#three fifty chuck doesn’t have any pizzazz.

[mensfrightsactivist]

i know we’re all tired of #girldinner but this is legitimately my treat yoself meal so idk what to do

[zrtranscripts]

Radio Abel, Season Three

Part 3 of 7

Parts 3 and 4 take place after S3M25, “The Road Goes Ever On and On”

PHIL CHEESEMAN, JACK HOLDEN, and EUGENE WOODS: [singing] "63 brain-eating zoms on the wall! 63 brain-eating zoms on the wall, 63 brain-eating zoms! You shoot one down, a cheer goes around, 62 brain-eating zoms on the wall!"

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on, everyone!

EUGENE WOODS: Why don't we give the listeners a break from the singing, and give them a bit of an update?

ZOE CRICK: Please, anything but this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, come on, Zoe! It's a traditional car song.

ZOE CRICK: And it's going to drive me to a bit of a traditional car murder if it doesn't stop soon.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, all right, we get the hint. So, update. We're in a van. Driving, obviously. Well, Phil's driving. I'm just sitting. I can see trees, and shrubs... other plants? Whatever. The weather's pretty nice, and -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. Jack, come on. Got to give it a bit of pizzazz.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, like Michael Palin. [imitates Michael Palin] You join us as we travel north through the verdant countryside, taking in all the sights and sounds of the thriving British woodland. Embarking on our epic journey, the road ahead, home behind, and possibility our travelling companion.

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] That is the worst Palin impression I've ever heard.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] And then what happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, uh, uh...

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Zoe, why don't you let everyone know what we're doing out here.

ZOE CRICK: Sure thing. A little while ago, we were approached by Amelia Spens -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody traitor.

ZOE CRICK: - Amelia Spens, who is now on the run, and is being sought for questioning on some pretty serious allegations, yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, BBC.

ZOE CRICK: I'll take that as a compliment. We were approached by Amelia with a proposition on behalf of the Ministry: perform a tour of the country as a morale-raising and information-gathering exercise.

EUGENE WOODS: Which is why we're here now, in this van, heading north, potentially coming to a town near you soon! We'll be broadcasting as we go, thanks to all the equipment we've been given by the Ministry, so stay tuned to the usual frequency. And if you see a white van on the road with "Roadio Cabel" painted on the side -

JACK HOLDEN: "Roadio" [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: - be sure to give us a wave, or stop and say hello.

ZOE CRICK: Yes! We're really looking forward to meeting some of you, so until that happens – [whispers] Come on, guys.

ALL: Stay safe out there!

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, listeners, this is just a quick update to those of you in the Pendrington area. As you're probably aware, you have the dubious honor of hosting our very first live show. We're currently about... two days? Two days travel from you, and we hate to do this, but -

JACK HOLDEN: Special Z-Bay segment.

EUGENE WOODS: We have a few requests.

JACK HOLDEN: Hello, listeners in Pendrington, and welcome to Z-Bay! Today we bring you special requests from our very own radio hosts, live from the road. Up first, we have Philip Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack! Uh, listeners, I'm afraid I've been quite a silly man and forgotten to bring any cutlery with me. And while I do sincerely enjoy eating my dinner with my hunting knife, I'm also getting a little bit tired of cutting my tongue and lips. 

So if anyone out there has a spare fork, knife, or a set of chopsticks, I would be greatly obliged. In return I'm offering this: the last remaining sealed bottle of my own Truth or Dare cider.

JACK HOLDEN: What? You can't give that away! We need that. Give it here!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, hey! Keep off, Holden. Hands on the wheel!

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Yeah. Calm down. [out loud] It's a generous offer, Phil. Hopefully we'll be able to get you some eating implements. Up next, Zoe has a request.

ZOE CRICK: Earplugs. Oh God, please, listeners. Please let someone have some earplugs.

EUGENE WOODS: To the point.

ZOE CRICK: How is it possible for every single one of you to snore so loudly?

JACK HOLDEN: What? I don't snore.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes, you do. I love you, but yes, you do. Zoe, what are you offering our listeners in return?

ZOE CRICK: Well, you've pointed out that I've probably overpacked on the weaponry front, so I'm prepared to offer my machete.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow! But... but you love that thing!

ZOE CRICK: And I also love sleeping through the night. So listeners, your earplugs, my machete. I hope we can make a deal.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Zoe. And thanks, listeners. Pendrington, we'll be seeing you very soon.

ZOE CRICK: [rummages] Ooh, look!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, yeah! That is so useful! Oh, and check it out, a couple of radio mics.

ZOE CRICK: Nice! That means we're not stuck in the van.

JACK HOLDEN: Just have to remember to keep the batteries charged.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, of course. We've got the solar flat, so -

EUGENE WOODS: What are you guys so excited about back there?

ZOE CRICK: We're checking through the equipment the Ministry gave us. Some really nice kit back here.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, Gene. Gene, really nice kit. I don't even know where they got this stuff from.

ZOE CRICK: We've got radio mics, a compressor that actually looks like it works, a digital recorder for calls and pre-taped stuff. Hell, we've even got a dump box.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] I mean, what would we even use that for? It's not like Ofcom are going to come after us if we let a few F-bombs through.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, I really don't know what most of that stuff is, but I'm glad you guys are so excited.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did you say we got radio mics?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah! We got four.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Cool! Let me see.

ZOE CRICK: Oi! Eyes on the road, Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry!

JACK HOLDEN: Give me a sec, Phil. I'll come hook you up and we'll test this bad boy out -

EUGENE WOODS: Ouch! Watch it! Ow, my ear!

JACK HOLDEN: I'm sorry, all right? Now I just clip it on there...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] That tickles.

EUGENE WOODS: Watch it, Phil. I might get jealous.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, ha bloody ha. All right, Zoe, give it a try. Mic check, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, testing. [audio feeback squeals] Testing. Toast. Toast. Uh, fifty-five [?] for fifty friendly Frenchman. Fifty-five [?] -

ZOE CRICK: Sounds good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet. Radio Cabel radio mic road show! Oh yeah!

ZOE CRICK: Oh no.

ZOE CRICK: And that's when I told him he had to move out, or I'd tell his boss about the whole thing.

EUGENE WOODS: Jesus, Zo. That's just -

JACK HOLDEN: - totally badass!

EUGENE WOODS: What?

JACK WOODS: Screw that guy! He was cheating on you with his boss's wife. I'm glad you kicked him out, Zoe. Total badass!

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. But it didn't feel badass at the time. I felt pretty stupid that I didn't see it coming.

EUGENE WOODS: That's understandable. But you have to know that -

JACK HOLDEN: - that you're a total badass.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Thanks, boys. What about you, Jack? Ever been cheated on?

JACK HOLDEN: Nah. Too good in -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait.

ZOE CRICK: What is it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pull over, Jack.

[JACK HOLDEN pulls over and parks van, PHIL CHEESEMAN unbuckles his seat belt and opens the van door]

EUGENE WOODS: Phil, wait - ! Don't - ! [van door shuts] He's gone.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Sod it. Chuck me Sir Geoffrey, Gene. I'm going after him.

JACK HOLDEN: Phil! Phil, Jesus! Phil, come back! Hey, stop. Look, what's... what the hell, man? You don't just – oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I saw the tent from the road.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh man. I'll, uh... let me get a spade.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, just... [sighs] Give me a minute. "But Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kindom of heaven." In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, amen.

JACK HOLDEN: Amen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, Jack. They'll be worried.

[van door opens]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, thank God.

JACK HOLDEN: We're okay, we're okay. Sorry.

[van door closes]

EUGENE WOODS: What the hell happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nothing. We're fine. Sorry.

JACK HOLDEN: Phil saw a -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought I saw a deer.

JACK HOLDEN: ... yeah.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought I could get us some better meat than pigeon and squirrel, but it had already been savaged. Not clean...

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, it was – it was really gross.

ZOE CRICK: Jesus. Phil, you scared us half to death! Just... [sighs] Jesus! Just don't – don't do that again, okay?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know. I'm sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: No one goes anywhere alone, Phil. You know that. This is basic stuff, man.

JACK HOLDEN: It's cool, Gene. He gets it.

EUGENE WOODS: I'm just saying - !

JACK HOLDEN: Look, he gets it, okay? Just – just lay off.

EUGENE WOODS: Right, fine. Whatever. It's just basic safety.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It won't happen again, Eugene. I'm sorry.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, then! Come on, everyone. Let's get moving. I'll drive, then. [starts van] Here we go! [sings] "99 brain-eating zoms on the wall, 99 brain-eating zoms!" [nervous laugh] "You shoot one down, a cheer goes round, 98 brain-eating zoms on the wall..."

JACK HOLDEN: So it was right here, then? This village?

ZOE CRICK: 17 years ago, or so the story goes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hang on a minute. If it was that long ago, how do you know about it? I thought you grew up miles from here.

EUGENE WOODS: Your aunt told you, didn't she, Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: That's right. My aunt told me the story. Do you want to hear it or not, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I do, I do. Sorry, go ahead.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. So, 17 years ago, in this very village, a series of events unfolded which have, in all the intervening years, never been explained.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh...

EUGENE WOODS: Shh shh shh!

ZOE CRICK: It all started on a rainy night just like this one, right around this time of night. The local pub, the King's Head, was crowded with people drinking away the cold and the damp. The windows were opaque with condensation, the air thick with pipe smoke and the gossip of the day. At 10 minutes past 11 – [imitates a lightning strike, others laugh]

Lighting hits the pub. All the lights go dark. For a brief moment, the room is illuminated only by the glow of two dozen pipes and the fire in the grate. Long shadows dance over the walls. But the darkness has barely fallen before it is broken again. The great oaken doors burst open, gusts of wind and rain soaking those nearest to it. And there, silhouetted against the lightning arching through the sky outside, is a man.

JACK HOLDEN: Who was he?

ZOE CRICK: No one knows for sure. Some say he was just a traveller with a few old trinkets to sell. Some say he was the devil himself. Whoever he was, he marched on into the King's Head and sat himself down at the head of the bar. Then he reaches into the pocket of his coat -

[thunder rolls, everyone startles and then laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: So what did he pull out, Zoe?

JACK HOLDEN: Is it a hook?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or a severed head?

ZOE CRICK: Neither. He pulled out a wristwatch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Boo! That's not scary.

EUGENE WOODS: Wait, Phil. Let's see where this is going.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, I bet it's like a haunted watch, or something. Ooh, or it's - ! Sorry. Sorry, Zoe. Go on.

ZOE CRICK: The man offers the watch to the landlord without a word. The landlord, transfixed by the watch, reaches out to grab it, his hands shaking as if moved by a supernatural force. Accounts differ on what happened next. Some people say the landlord begged and pleaded with some unseen person not to make him take the watch. Others say he took it willingly, offering the man free drinks all night in exchange.

Whatever happened, the landlord ended up with that watch, and several other patrons of the pub found themselves taking home mysterious items they hadn't known they'd desired. John McCreary, a local farmer, took home an old, battered trowel. Alister Logan, the chemist, woke up with a new copper frying pan in his kitchen. And Michael Stewart's new pair of boots fit more perfectly than any he had ever worn.

The years passed, and the visit from the mysterious man passed from the memories of most. At least, until John McCreary, digging in his garden, hit an unexploded bomb from the war and was vaporized. They say his arm was found three streets away, his hand still tightly clutching the trowel he'd received all that time ago.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, that is so creepy!

EUGENE WOODS: See, Phil? Told you it was going to get good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, go on, Zo. What happened next?

ZOE CRICK: One by one, all the people who'd received gifts from the man in the pub met their end, and every one of them died using the gift they'd received. Alister Logan burned alive in a fire started by the oil in his copper frying pan. Michael Stewart slipped while hiking in his new boots and fell to his demise. And finally, Jerry, the old landlord of the King's Head, overslept because his watch had stopped, and was crushed by a falling tree branch long after he'd have ordinarily left his bedroom!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No way...

ZOE CRICK: Yes way! And then, not one month after Jerry's death, the driver of the bus that serves the village called in to his depot to report the entire place deserted. No bodies, no notes, no sign of the village ever having been inhabited. Just empty houses, empty shops, and empty beds. And that is the story of Little Hayfield.

EUGENE WOODS: Damn, Zoe. That is an awesome ghost story.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Gene. Now everyone – sleep tight! Mwahahaha!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Building on my side! One point to me.

EUGENE WOODS: My side! That's 17-15. My side! 18-15! My side! 19-15.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn it! Come on, what's with all these fields on my side?

EUGENE WOODS: My side! 20-15!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Urgh! Ha, my side, 20-16.

EUGENE WOODS: 21-16.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh! Curse you, Eugene Woods, you damned witch. Curse you straight to hell! Let's get some bloody buildings on this side!

ZOE CRICK: Newcastle.

EUGENE WOODS: Oswestry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Penzance.

JACK HOLDEN: Damn it. Q. Why do I always get Q?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You've got 30 seconds... [sings a countdown tune]

JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, damn it! Wait, wait... yes, uh, Queensborough.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nice!

ZOE CRICK: Rotherham.

EUGENE WOODS: Salisbury.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tottenham.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh come on, that can't count. That's a borough, not a town.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil, stick to the rules.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, all right. Who made you the boss of this game, anyway?

ZOE CRICK: You did, when you complained you were bored of playing Spot the Building with Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Which was only because I was winning.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not true! It's just... I wanted to play a game that involved a bit more skill, is all.

EUGENE WOODS: Spot the Building involves a great deal of skill, Mister Cheeseman. I'm just sorry you don't possess enough to compete on a professional level.

ZOE CRICK: Anyway, now we're playing a new game with more skill, like you asked. And if that's the case, then you've got to play by the rules. So, town beginning with T, go.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fine. Tadcaster.

JACK HOLDEN: Upminster.

ZOE CRICK: V, oh my God. Wait!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: 30 seconds. Rules! [sings a countdown tune]

ZOE CRICK: I know, but - !

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tick tock! [sings a countdown tune]

ZOE CRICK: Just give me a minute to think!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sings a countdown tune] Aw, that's it. Too late. You lose. Zoe loses.

ZOE CRICK: You're the worst.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, all right, one more game. We're nearly there anyway.

JACK HOLDEN: I Spy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not a chance.

EUGENE WOODS: No. 20 Questions. I'm thinking of something. Ask your questions.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. Is it alive?

EUGENE WOODS: Yes. 19 questions left.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. Uh, is it a person?

EUGENE WOODS: Yup. 18.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this person a man?

EUGENE WOODS: No. 17.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh ooh, is she a singer.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Definitely not.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, damn it. I was hoping it would be Dolly Parton.

EUGENE WOODS: Why would you hope that?

JACK HOLDEN: I don't know, I just... I wanted to get it when we had nine questions left, and then I could start singing "Nine to Five," and it'd be really, really funny.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is she famous?

EUGENE WOODS: I'll think you'll have heard of her.

ZOE CRICK: Um, do we know her personally?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I'd say so.

ZOE CRICK: It's me, isn't it?

EUGENE WOODS: Ding ding ding ding ding! Bingo!

ZOE CRICK: Nice.

JACK HOLDEN: That's such a gyp! You can't choose someone we know!

EUGENE WOODS: Says who?

JACK HOLDEN: Says... says... just because - !

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. What now?

ZOE CRICK: Still nothing?

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] No.

ZOE CRICK: How long's it been?

EUGENE WOODS: An hour, maybe more. [sighs] This doesn't feel right! I'm going to go find them.

ZOE CRICK: Eugene, no. No one goes anywhere alone, you know that. And we can't leave the van.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] You're right.

ZOE CRICK: Look, they've probably just lost track of time. You know how Phil can get with hunting.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And Jack just gets distracted easily, right?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] You can say that again.

ZOE CRICK: And Jack just – [EUGENE WOODS smacks ZOE CRICK] Ow!

[both laugh]

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Thank you.

ZOE CRICK: Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: What?

ZOE CRICK: They're here, look.

[van door opens, zombies growl]

EUGENE WOODS: No.

JACK HOLDEN: Start the van! Phil, come on!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go! I've got them!

ZOE CRICK: No!

JACK HOLDEN: Start the damn van! Phil, move!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'll buy you time! Just go!

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe. Van, now!

ZOE CRICK: No, no, no! Idiot! Oh, stupid idiot! [unbuckles seatbelt]

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe, no. [van door opens] Zoe, come back here! Damn it!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Stay back, I've got this! Just go!

EUGENE WOODS: Keys, ignition! [starts van] Zoe, Phil, let's go! Let's go!

ZOE CRICK: Move, Phil. Come on.

EUGENE WOODS: Drag him back here! We have got to go!

JACK HOLDEN: Come on, come on, come on!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Open the door - ! [screams]

JACK HOLDEN: Phil!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh God!

EUGENE WOODS: Come on, come on!

[PHIL CHEESEMAN shouts, ZOE CRICK beheads zombie]

ZOE CRICK: Get up! [beheads zombie] We're here. We're here. Go, go, go!

[van peels out]

[characters take deep breaths]

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, Zo... first kill.

[everyone laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, is this - ?

ZOE CRICK: No, I think it's the next turn. Yeah, right here, I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Should we announce ourselves or something?

EUGENE WOODS: I think they'll know who it is, Phil. The name of the show is painted down the side of the van.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, this place looks pretty decent.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yeah. Is that -? Hey, yeah, they've got working lights.

EUGENE WOODS: Maybe we'll even get a shower.

ZOE CRICK: God willing.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, what does that sign say?

EUGENE WOODS: "Welcome to Pendrington Village. We are a private community. Please declare all weapons as you enter, and disable any transmitters, walkie-talkies, headsets, or other recording devices. We thank you for your compliance."

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Better kill the feed, Zo.

JACK HOLDEN: Just let it play some pre-taped for a bit.

ZOE CRICK: On it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Day four in the Radio Road Show van. Zoe is in the Diary Room.

ZOE CRICK: Hi, Big Brother!

EUGENE WOODS: Hello, Zoe. What do you want to talk about?

ZOE CRICK: It's just... it's Jack. He's really pecking my nut. All he keeps talking about is his singing career, and he's always showing off in the kitchen so I can't tell everyone about the kid's book I'm writing.

EUGENE WOODS: That must be frustrating, Zoe. Are you homesick?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, I'm really homesick. I just... I just... I just want to go home!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Elsewhere in the Radio Road Show van, Jack is entertaining Janine with a song from his upcoming album.

JACK HOLDEN: And then it goes like this – [sings] "Come on and text me up! Whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh" [others groan] "Come on and text me up!" [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Low blow, Jack.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I'm going to have that stuck in my head all bloody day now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters] "You got my number, I want your ILU"

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Eyes on the road.

[audience applauds; Radio Cabel sing theme tune]

EUGENE WOODS: It's that time, Pendrington! We're here, and we're live! Welcome to the Radio Cabel Road Show! [audience applauds] I'm your host, Eugene Woods, and with me tonight are the dazzling Jack Holden! [audience cheers] The charming Phil Cheeseman. [audience applauds] And the one, the only, the legend that is Zoe Crick! [audience cheers]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We love you, Pendrington!

ZOE CRICK: Thank you, thank you, you beautiful people! Thanks for having us here tonight! Can I get a big round of applause for the gratuitously talented Mister Eugene Woods here!

[audience applauds]

EUGENE WOODS: Yay!

ZOE CRICK: Pendrington, Pendrington, Pendrington. What a place. What a great settlement you guys have here. You know, I did some research on Rofflenet last night, asking around about Pendrington.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As you do.

ZOE CRICK: As you do. And someone told me that you've lasted this entire time without losing a single person.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, now, that can't be right, surely!

ZOE CRICK: Is that right, or is that just - ?

[audience cheers]

EUGENE WOODS: Sounds like it's right. That's pretty impressive, you guys.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I mean, just look at all these fences! We must have passed through – what, five sets of fences to get in here?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, this place must be more secure than Eugene's self-image.

[audience laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Ha ha, very funny. Very funny.

ZOE CRICK: Calm down, boys, calm down. All right, everyone. We're glad to be here, really excited, and we can't wait to get the show started properly, after this song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hit it! We love you, Pendrington!

[audience cheers and applauds]

ZOE CRICK: All right, welcome back. This is the Radio Cabel Road Show, broadcasting live from the village of Pendrington.

[audience applauds]

EUGENE WOODS: How are you feeling tonight, Pendrington? [audience cheers] Awesome, awesome! Well, uh, we've got a great show for you tonight. We've got some stories from the road, some tips from the Ministry, and we want to hear from all of you, as well. You know, on our way here, we were all talking about how excited we were to meet you.

JACK HOLDEN: Excited, terrified is what it really was.

[audience laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Potayto, potahto. [laughs] Because uh, because you know we do these broadcasts from our little shack back in Abel or New Canton, and there are people there who listen to us, but we've never really actually met any other listeners face to face, really.

PHIL CHEESEMANl We hadn't even met each other face to face until recently.

EUGENE WOODS: Exactly! So we're having this big discussion about, you know, who are these people that listen to the show? Are they just like us? Do we have a specific crowd? Or, you know - ?

ZOE CRICK: Who the hell are all of you people?

EUGENE WOODS: Right! [laughs] Who the hell are you? So we made sure to spend as much time walking around before the show, chatting to a bunch of you, uh, so that we could find out.

JACK HOLDEN: And basically, you're all just people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And some dogs.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right, yeah. People, and dogs, but the dogs don't really listen properly, do they?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs have pretty acute hearing, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] I'm not talking about hearing, Phil. I'm talking about listening.

ZOE CRICK: They've got cows as well, and some sheep.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs definitely hear better than sheep.

JACK HOLDEN: It's not about hearing!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm just saying -

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All right, wow! [laughs] I think what Jack was trying to say, Phil, is that the most exciting thing about meeting everyone here is that our listeners aren't just people who like tea or cats or conspiracy theories, or Jack. They're – as Jack says – they're just people.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: People united by the idea that we can still have some of the old comforts, that we can still have music and jokes -

ZOE CRICK: Even if they're cheese puns.

[audience groans]

EUGENE WOODS: Especially if they're cheese puns. Anyway, [sighs] what we're trying to say is the best thing about arriving here on our first stop of our national tour is you, the audience.

[audience applauds]

JACK HOLDEN: Now Eugene's done pandering to you, here's a song we picked out especially for the occasion.

[JACK HOLDEN sings, audience cheers and applauds]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God.

ZOE CRICK: Jack! Jack, that is the best dancing I have ever seen.

JACK HOLDEN: I am the dance master. Dancing baby! Dancing boy Jack!

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Mister Jack Holden, ladies and gentleman!

[audience applauds]

ZOE CRICK: Well, I hope that's answered your question. Jack is the funkiest member of the radio crew.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well now, now, now, hold on just a minute, Zoe. Jack might be a pretty funky cat, but I think you're forgetting about old MC Cheeseman over here.

EUGENE WOODS: MC Cheeseman?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's me.

EUGENE WOODS: You have to be kidding me. [laughs] You're kidding, right?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He's kidding.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack, if you would be so kind as to drop me a beat.

[EUGENE WOODS and ZOE CRICK laugh]

ZOE CRICK: This is not how I expected this evening to go.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: You're serious?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn straight.

[JACK HOLDEN beatboxes]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat, raps] Yo. Yo. Yo. Hey people, better listen up! Grab yourself a seat and pour yourself a little cup - of wine, because now it's time, to hear Mister Cheeseman rhyme. Oh yeah. [audience cheers] Jack says he's funkiest. I doubt it. So take a break while I sing a little song about it. When you look at me, you see a plain guy. Kinda nerdy, drinking tea, and yeah, I guess I'm kind of shy. But that don't mean I'm boring. When I'm talking, no one in the house is snoring. When I'm singing, every person's ears are ringing - with my music. Yeah, I'm the funkiest, and everyone just heard me prove it!

[audience applauds]

ZOE CRICK: Mic drop, mic drop! MC Cheeseman in the house

EUGENE WOODS: Give it up! Oh, give it up, everybody! MC Cheeseman!

JACK HOLDEN: Cheeseman! Cheeseman! Cheeseman!

EUGENE WOODS: - I underestimated you, Phil. I've got to say, you've got some skills on the mic.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, heck. It's just a trick I picked up at uni.

EUGENE WOODS: Still, it's not something I'd have thought -

JACK HOLDEN: Guys, guys. Look.

ZOE CRICK: Who the hell is that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is that a gun?

JACK HOLDEN: Where's Sir Geoffrey?

ZOE CRICK: Here.

EUGENE WOODS: What do we think, guys? Is he dangerous?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dangerous people don't normally wave, do they?

EUGENE WOODS: I guess we're going to find out. He's coming over.

JACK HOLDEN: Stand ready, everyone.

[van door opens]

MINISTRY GOON: Are you Jack? Or Phil?

JACK HOLDEN: Who's asking?

MINISTRY GOON: The person who's been keeping you safe these past weeks.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, what?

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: Well, the Ministry said we'd have an escort, but no one showed up at Abel before we left. I just guessed they'd scrapped that bit of the plan, but...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So he's, what? Our bodyguard?

MINISTRY GOON: Head of the class, Cheeseman.

EUGENE WOODS: So you've been watching us this whole time?

MINISTRY GOON: Sure as hell haven't been sitting around with my thumb up my ass. It ain't easy work, either, keeping you all safe. Time to pay the piper.

JACK HOLDEN: Hang on, we didn't hire you. We're not paying. Go talk to the Ministry.

MINISTRY GOON: I don't need money, Mister Holden. Really, you should have been briefed on this. [sighs] In exchange for the Ministry's protection while you're out on your little tour, and for safe lodging at each community you visit, you are required to furnish the Ministry with such information as they request on each of the communities in question. Not ringing any bells?

ZOE CRICK: Hang on. You want us to spy on people.

MINISTRY GOON: Just a little census information, Miss Crick.

EUGENE WOODS: No way.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We're not doing it.

MINISTRY GOON: Then I won't be on hand to keep you safe the next time you're face down in the dirt with a horde of zoms on top of you.

JACK HOLDEN: Zoe took care of them!

MINISTRY GOON: Aye, a couple of them, maybe. So I don't dare think what would have happened if my aim hadn't been so good.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] What do you want to know?

MINISTRY GOON: So, three sets of fences -

EUGENE WOODS: Two wooden, one metal.

MINISTRY GOON: And about how many people in the settlement?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, more than 50, fewer than 100.

JACK HOLDEN: Plus some dogs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs, too.

MINISTRY GOON: Right. Well, thanks for your cooperation. I think my aim's going to stay pretty true for a little while. Go on, off you trot.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, boys.

MINISTRY GOON: See you soon.

JACK HOLDEN: I don't like it!

ZOE CRICK: I know.

JACK HOLDEN: Janine told us we'd be meeting her contacts, but not that we'd be bloody spies for the Ministry or whatever it is!

ZOE CRICK: I know!

JACK HOLDEN: Look, I'm just saying I don't like it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: None of us like it, Jack! But what the hell -  

JACK HOLDEN: What? But what?

ZOE CRICK: Well, what can we do?

JACK HOLDEN: What do you mean, "what can we do"? We can -

EUGENE WOODS: It's time for some music, isn't it?

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: Don't you think we should play some music for the listeners, Jack? I think it's time for us to take a break.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, yeah. Okay.