#thoughts and prayers to the family thats gotta hurt...

[enchantechante]

Hey,Tae.This is the anon who wished my ex well.Thank you so much for your reply and transparency.

Getting to the place where I am in life now and being able to wish my ex well with no remorse did not happen overnight.We had been in each others lives for 10+ years and experienced a lot (personal health problems,loss of jobs,deaths of family members etc).We went through a lot of things and had more good days than bad.After he came back in my life I couldn't believe it because I use to pray for that moment.I never thought it would even happen.I prayed and asked God if he's meant to be in my life then please let us cross paths again one day and if not then I'm thankful for the time we were able to share together.Over two years later he contacted me.Things went well from day one and we talked every day. I felt like he was trying to rush me into a relationship though because he would mention it and marrying me a lot.I let him know I still loved him but a relationship was not apart of my plans at the time.Plus I was working two jobs, taking care of family, volunteering and in school.I was also still learning the new version of him and he was doing the same when it came to me.We made changes in our lives as we got older... I am more conservative now and he's a former church boy turned hippy.He also couldn't let go of the hurt his ex caused and her taking the kids away.He swore he was over it but we would get into it about them weekly and it was draining.She popped up a couple times too because she still wanted him back.Even though he swore he didn't want her and spent a lot of time with me,I got tired of her doing that.Each time she popped up I was reminded how he left me for her in the first place.I would get angry and start talking shit to him each time.I remember my blood pressure would be high every time I checked it which was every day.I was stressing myself out over his ex.Eventually I just decided to let it go and moved on.

I prayed and asked God to let us cross paths again one day since we both still had more healing to do.I figured if he still loved me and wanted to give things another shot after thirteen years then it could possibly happen again.Even though he fucked up years ago,I understand no one is perfect.He was also dealing with depression badly so I prayed for him to overcome that everyday even when we weren't in touch.He was single for a few years after we stopped talking and now in a relationship.I really do wish him well and hope he's genuinely happy.At first I was a little ticked but that feeling went away.

I love him and always will but even if we never reconnect again,I'll be okay because I did right by him from day one.I know he wants to be married and have kids as well.Who knows?Maybe his new girlfriend can give him all of those things.Either way,I will always wish him and his family well.Like I said getting to this point in my life didn't happen overnight.I did a lot of praying and shed many tears.To be honest,I still do.I've been through a lot of things and experienced so much death lately.Life really is short.I just want everyone to be happy and experience real love.If I don't get another chance at experiencing love in this lifetime,I'm happy that I had that opportunity to do so...and even if I do,I hope I will be open to it because I do have a lot of love to give and I still work on myself every day.No matter what my future holds or who will be apart of it,I'm just thankful for where I am in my life and all of the lessons I learned.I know things will work out for me and be better than I ever could imagine.

THIRTEEN YEARS?! 🥺

i wlda been feelin like:

I'd sooner conjure Beetlejuice + Bloody Mary than ever ask to cross paths w my ex. 🙅🏾‍♀️So thats mad brave.

Thank you so much for this encouragement. This process or prayers and tears and time apart and honesty w self and others, starting fresh, being unafraid to let go - ugh! Heart-wrenching soul work.

I gotta applaud you Anon 💐

Letting go is the hardest part imo.

I hate unfair things and people. So grace, and people deserving forgiveness and love is hard for me to understand.

But I see how your life has flourished and it makes me curious for how mine can as well 🙌🏾✨

[oryxcrafts]

God,,,

No one deserves that,,,

Rest in Peace you absolute legend,,,

[i-cant-sing]

Yandere RE8: TRP Part 4

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Part 3 is here.

Part 5 is here.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Uhh... hello?"

You looked at the woman standing in the stairs. She was wearing a dark veil that matched the rest of her outfit- oh shit, that's a funeral outfit.

I really did pick a bad time to come here, didn't I? She's in mourning, she sees an intruder, and her day went from bad to worst. Yep, she's gonna kill me.

You took one look at the woman and then at all the possible exits: the doors- no, they'd be too heavy to move and what if they're locked? The window- but I'd have to jump out and just because it looks cool in movies to jump through glass, doesn't mean it'll work, Y/n.

So, the only option was to eliminate the threat. Or maybe... defuse it.

"This is your doll, right?" You asked, pointing at the doll, judging by the lace designs on both of their dresses. The woman didn't reply. "It looks like its been... used a lot. To be honest, she's very different than most dolls I've seen, definitely a lot more spookier." You nervously giggled, hoping she didn't mind. "But... she looks like she's been loved. A lot. Despite being broken from a lot of places, someone still took their time to fix her." You smiled sadly, remembering your own doll that Mia had ripped. "Wish I had someone like that. To sew up the wounds and fix them."You mumbled, not really sure if you were talking about your doll or yourself.

"Your doll, she's- she's very pretty. My sister would've liked her." You began. "Which is why I'm here. My family, we were in an accident- I know it was wrong of me to come here without permission, but I need to find my sister, Rose and my father, Ethan." You took a step closer. "They both of have blonde hair. Rose, my sister, she's just 6 months old. She was dressed in a baby pink onesie, bundled up in a blanket. My father, Ethan, he's about this tall and has big blue eyes. I think he was wearing a jacket, with blue denim jeans. H-have you seen them?" You asked, eyes full of hope and voice laced with eagerness.

Please, please let her have seen them. God, please.

Unsurprisingly, the woman didn't reply, but she did turn her head towards the left window. You didn't know whether she was telling you to get out of her house or signalling that they are out there, but you knew you had to leave.

Nodding, you slowly walked towards the window, your heart beating faster as you prayed that this wasn't some sort of trap, hoping she wouldn't attack you from behind because that would be like... really shitty.

But you left the house unharmed, and without looking back at the window because you didn't want to jinx it, you walked towards the forrest once again, thankful that the sun had finally came out.

Where are you guys?

You had been walking for a couple of hours now, the sun had been a bit warmer today, which was good since you hated the snow that surrounded you now. You looked at the map, tracing the path to your new destination. The Salvatore reservoir. It seemed like it would take you a day's journey to get there, and you sure as hell weren't seeing any lake in sight.

God, when will this nightmare end?

You decided to sit on a stone and take some much needed rest. Your feet ached from all the walking, and your calves were cramping. You rolled your head, popping it from the side, before taking off the rifle that had been weighing down, stretching out your arms. Digging through the little back pack you bought from Duke, you pulled out a thermos of coffee and twinkie. You don't know how or where he got it, but Duke had filled your bag with a couple of snacks; saying its for his loyal customer.

So, here you sat, in the middle of the snowy woods, eating a twinkie and drinking a lukewarm coffee. Both didn't taste good, but they're gonna keep you alive so, no complaining.

After drinking the coffee, you rested your head against a tree, recalling last nights events as you waited for the caffeine to kick in.

You tried to make sense of what happened when you got... locked in the basement. You thought you had forgotten about her, Angel. Guess not.

Wait- didn't that lady lock me in the basement? Maybe, she didn't look very hostile, her creepy doll looked scarier than she did.

You laughed at the irony. You always made fun of the horror movies where the family would become so attached to the most horrifying doll, and you'd scream at their stupidity, And yet here you were, falling for the cliche as you found comfort in that creepy doll.

Man, I'm really losing it here.

You sighed, closing your eyes as you tried to come up with the next plan. But the warm coffee had lulled you right to sleep, which was dangerous but you were too tired to care.

Just for a couple of minutes...

You woke up to the sound of growling and heavy steps. And as soon as you opened your eyes, you knew you had definitely slept for far longer than a few minutes. But that was not of concern at the moment. No, it was the source of the growling that had woken you up.

Just about 40 feet away from you were lycans. Plural. Not one, not two, but 5 lycans, and one of them was a really big one.

You held your breath as you watched them wander around; they hadn't spotted you yet, and if you stayed quiet, you hoped they would just go away.

Stilling yourself as much as you could, you watched them with wide eyes. One of them started to walk in your direction, it wasn't looking at you, which meant that it hadn't seen you, but he would if he kept on walking this way.

God, I know we haven't been on good terms, but like c'mon, you gotta give me a break. Please, I love you? Come on, you know this is not how I want to go.

You sent a silent prayer, and perhaps it worked, since the lycan suddenly turned the other way, joining its pack as they started walking deeper into the woods.

Slowly, you began to gather up your things, silently shoving them in your bag, one eye on the lycans and the other one making sure that you don't accidentally drop something that'd cause noise.

Fortunately, you didn't. You swung the bag over your shoulder, and took a step forward, careful not to step on any twigs.

Maybe God did love me. All that time in church-

THWACK!

You jumped back as a huge sheet of snow fell from the trees in front of you. You whipped your head towards the monsters and they all had stopped dead in their tracks. Slowly, one of them turned and if they hadn't heard the snow fall, they'd definitely heard the way your heart was about to burst out of your chest. Then, it growled.

Motherfucker.

You pulled out your gun just as the two of them began running your way. With a quick jump to the side, you dodged them and shot them two times each. Hearing your gun fire, the other two began running your way too, while the larger one stayed behind as it watched. This time, as you shot one of them, the other managed to kick you in the chest hard, throwing you against the rock. Luckily, you didn't hit your head, as you rolled and shot it dead.

Spitting out the blood, you looked back at the last lycan who had already started running your way. You began loading up your gun with trembling hands, but just as you aimed, the lycan took a giant leap and knocked the gun out of your hand.

Fuck.

The giant grabbed you by your neck, lifting you up high before throwing you across the ground. You wheezed, scrambling up to your feet as you began running away from it, its heavy steps following you. It roared angrily behind you, and that only made you ignore the burning pain in your chest as you ran faster.

But of course, God had decided to make you live a cliche horror movie, because you tripped over a fucking branch, making you fall on your stomach. You flipped over instantly, and saw your nightmare come true as the lycan jumped on you.

On pure reflex, you punched it square in the face, which you doubted hurt it more than it hurt you, if anything, the monster was momentarily perplexed, but that was enough for you to slip from under it.

But you were only able to take a few steps away when it suddenly grabbed you by your neck and lifted you up again, snarling as it began opening its mouth, revealing its razor-sharp teeth at you.

God, if you're hearing this, I'm converting to atheism because I did not need this today.

Looking at the horrifying lycan, you prayed one last time before you were eaten by it. Surprisingly, your life did not flash before your eyes, which you were kinda grateful for because you did not need to relive that before your death.

But that moment didn't came. No, what came were familiar moans of pain, and then the sound of a drill, followed by blood splattering on your face as the lycan was sliced vertically from the head to the toe by the aforementioned drill.

The lycan fell to the ground, revealing the pair of soldats that killed them and behind them a smirking Heisenberg, who rested against a tree, tipping his hat at you.

You were far too shocked to say anything, and after a few seconds, the man walked over to you, blocking the view of his monstrous creations just mutilating the lycans.

"So... that was a bit traumatising." He started, chuckling at your stunned face. "You okay, kid?"

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck-

"Yeah." You took his hand, and he helped you up. You groaned at the pain, touching the tender side around the chest where the lycan had hit you. Yeah, you probably broke a rib.

Heisenberg helped you sit down on a tree stump. "Hmm, that bastard kicked you hard didn't it." Wait- "But that was a phenomenal punch you threw at it. Nearly made me burst out laughing."

"You were watching? Why the fuck didn't you come in before!"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to see if you could really handle yourself- which you were pretty good at, but then you lost your gun and it was kinda an unfair match from there on." He pulled out some pills from his coat. "i was just passing by when I saw those lycans moving away. Thats when I pushed the tree which made snow sheet fall and you know the rest from there on."

Your eyes went wide. "You did that on purpose? What the shit, Heisenberg-?! Fuck." You doubled over in pain, clutching your ribs, heaving.

"Shh, stay still, kid. Here, take these. They'll help with the pain." You eyed the bottle before popping two in your mouth. Hey, if he wanted me dead, he wouldn't have saved me from the lycan. "I just wanted to see if you were worth the trouble, and as it turns out, you are."

"You didn't have to almost kill me to see that. And now I've lost my gun. And I don't have any money to buy a new one. I doubt Duke gives freebies." You huffed out.

Heisenberg rolled his eyes. "God, you sure do whine a lot. Here-" He dropped a tiny pouch in your lap. "There's some coins in there. That should be enough to buy you a new gun. And for fucks sake, get a gun with more rounds! You don't have time to be loading a gun mid battle." He huffed. "So, where are you going now?"

You rolled your head from side to side. "Well, I went to the Beneviento house. Didn't find Ethan or Rose there. Now, I'm going to the lake."

"The lake? Huh, well if you survived Donna, then Moreau should be a piece of cake. You got the map? Let me show you the short cut, it's not far from here." You gave him the map and he showed you the directions.

"Where are you going then?"

"Mother Miranda called. Don't worry, I'll keep our meeting a secret." He then nodded at you. "Alright, I'm off now."

"Wait!" Your voice stopped him. "I don't know when I'll see Duke again. And I don't have gun, so what if another pack of lycans come?"

Heisenberg slumped his shoulders as he let out an annoyed sigh. "Fine. I gotta do everything by myself." He dog whistled and one of the soldats stopped maiming the lycan and ran to Heisenberg. "From now on, you're gonna listen to her."The soldat looked at you and nodded. "If she tells you to kill, you kill. If she tells you to die, you die. Follow her around and keep her safe." The soldat nodded. Then Heisenberg turned to you. "He's already dead, so don't worry about throwing him in danger. Oh and also, just take him into the sun every once in a while so that his engine can recharge. You'll know when he needs the sun."

You were baffled. "Wait, Heisenberg- how the- what the hell am I supposed to do with him?"

"Figure it out, kid. Think of him as a guard dog."

You looked at the soldat then at Heisenberg's retreating form, then back at the soldat.

"So..." The soldat stared at you. "You got a name?"

"Handsome." You nodded to yourself as you trudged, using the soldat's arm to support yourself. "That's what I'm gonna call you. Handsome. What do you think?"

The soldat was wearing a metal contraption over its eyes, so you couldn't really tell what it was feeling.

"Well, you don't seem to have any complaints, so from now on, you'll respond to the name "Handsome". Do you understand?"

The soldat nodded.

You laughed. God, the pain meds were either making me stupid or everything else funnier.

You looked at the map again. Just a couple of more minutes and then a right turn. And then you should see the lake- god, this map was confusing as hell.

"So..." you wondered what you should ask the cyborg. Oh right. "You seen Ethan? Blonde man, crazy big eyes. Or a baby, Rose?" The man shook his head no.

Sigh. What else could I ask him? What about how did he die? No, what if that's triggering? I can't handle a Terminator right now. And I don't think I should ask him about his past or anything that'll cause him to have a existential crisis. Ah! I've got it!

"Hey, how do you see?"

The soldat looks down at you for a few seconds then points at his metal contraption.

Wait- is that sarcasm?

You scoff. "Of course, you see with your eyes! I meant, with the whole metal thingy covering them, how do you- oh, there's this vision specs in them."

You smiled. "Hey, you're kinda like Cyclops, yknow-" you were cut off as Handsome suddenly pushed you to the ground, turning on his drill.

"Wait, shit- you don't have to be Cyclops! We can talk this out-" but Handsome was focusing on something else, and that's when you saw it. Two lycans.

Handsome ran and easily maimed them to pieces, I mean, you had to look away from the horrific scene midway.

The soldat returned five minutes later, covered in blood. He extended his hand and you reluctantly took it, letting him support you as you began walking again, your heart still beating like crazy.

But you calmed down when you finally reached the lake, the setting sun gave serene feel to the entire reservoir. You inhaled deeply before looking at Handsome. "Lets go down there." You pointed at the lake.

You were both sitting at the wooden broadwalk, your legs hanging off the ledge. You looked at the water, it wasn't crystal clear, but you could see some fishes swimming around, so at least it wasn't dangerous to life. You looked at Handsome, then at his drill and you realised he was still covered in blood. "Lets get you cleaned up, hm?" You said, pulling out a rag from your bag and dipping it in the cold water below. You began with cleaning up his drill, then dipping the rag back in cold water and cleaning his chest and his other arm.

"Good job back there, Handsome."You smiled as Handsome nodded. "Heisenberg was right, you are kinda like a dog. Hmm, I wonder if..." You tested your theory as you petted him on the head. "Good job, Handsome!" But the soldat only tilted its head in confusion.

"Hmm, perhaps not." You cupped the cold water in your hands and washed your own face, You looked at your reflection in the water. "You wanna go for a swim? I don't mind." Handsome shook his head. "Yeah, I'm not a fan of swimming either."

Handsome stared at you. You scoffed. "Oh so you pretend you don't understand what I say, but you want to hear the story? Fine, but I'm only telling you because it might be important later."

You both stared at the water as you began your story. "Well, when I was 15, I had snuck out of the house to go to a party. It was at this rich girl's house and I knew she didn't like me, but I was surprised when she had invited me to her place. Yes, a red flag I should've seen from miles ago, but I was young and dumb and desperate to climb the highschool social hierarchy." You chuckled. "Anyways, long story short, one of the guys there pushed me into the pool because I don't know if they thought it was funny to see me drown? By some luck, I managed to grab onto the pool ledge and pull myself up. I immediately left the party, embarrassed and cold and on the verge of breaking down. Then on the way back home, there was this car following me and then some weirdo catcalled me and tried to get me in his car. Now, scared for my life because I watched a lot of Criminal Minds, I ran all the way home, praying that he leaves me alone. I think he stopped when he saw a Range Rover following him, but I don't know. I just rushed back home." You sighed. "You know what happened next? I bursted through the front door, slamming it shut and I turn around to see my dad in the living room, looking surprised to see me. He stood up and looked me up and down and then said, "Y/n? You're drenched completely. And you're messing up the floor. You know what? Mia's in the bathroom right now, why don't you go upstairs and I'll clean up here. You know how she gets when there's water on the wood." And I was just so shocked, that I didn't say anything and went back upstairs. Once I was in the shower, that's when I broke down crying. I almost drowned, almost got kidnapped and my father was worried about me messing up the wooden floor? Hell, he didn't even ask me why I was coming home at midnight." Your tears fell into the lake, making small ripples. You chuckled, "God, I always wondered how tired he must've been from work that day to ignore all these visible signs of distress. I always hated his job, you know? They made him work way too much." You looked at Handsome who was looking at the lake. "Anywho, now you know I can't swim so, save me if I fall into this lake, okay?" He nodded.

You guys sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before a question popped up in your mind. "Handsome?" He turned his head towards you, only to see a mischievous smile on your face. "Are you seeing someone?" The man turned his back to the lake, making you laugh. "Ahh, so you like someone. Tell me, is it someone from the village?" The man further turned his head away from you in embarrassment. "Oh come on, tell me! Is it a girl?" He nodded reluctantly, making you punch his arm. "You dog! Does she know?" Handsome shook his head, making you smile. "Tell you what? As a payback for saving me back there, I'll help you get her. I'll be your wingman, Handsome, hm?" He nodded a bit enthusiastically.

"We all deserve good things, Handsome. No matter how we look, or what we are, these things don't really define one's self worth. Its our intentions, you know?" Handsome didn't know, but he nodded anyways.

"Good. Now, lets go check out this place. Keep an eye out for Ethan and Rose, okay?" You told him, not knowing someone was already watching the two of you.

So... thought?

What did you guys think about Handsome? I'm gonna post a pic of him soon if you guys want.

Part 5 is here.

[3sh-4]

it’s been ups and downs ever since, building up on my way to win. more problems have come but the old ones have passed, and I guess through all of it we always last. and shit, part of me goes back to the thoughts I felt, but I keep it within, no need to tell, just tell them I’m well, no need to knock nor ring at my bell. and these mental illnesses still live with me, these thoughts still sing with me, but I hush them with faith, tell them there’s a lesson from my pain. sometimes you gotta smile for others to smile too, because if you feel happy I might feel mine too. and you gotta fight whatever’s inside, just so you don’t give them a reason to cry, it’s so hard but you just gotta try and promise yourself everything’s gonna be alright. and truth be told these days are better now, but let me say a couple things before I put this letter down. that shit life ain’t ever gonna be perfect, you’re always gonna have a part of you that’s hurting, but thats God telling you your prayers are working. for good times follow the bad times, we find our smile after the sad times, we only grow when we learn to break, only understand the truth after we learn to fake. so in life all you gotta do is hold on and hold strong, despite whatever tries to destroy yourself, understand there’s always help. all those times you’re sat at your desk and you feel like it’s time to go, here’s some words I want you to know. that this tiredness you feel will soon become your strength, and days will pass and you won’t feel so tense. I know you’re so desperate to leave and so desperate to stop everything so you don’t have to breathe but people will spend months crying blaming themselves, making the peace inside their head a hell. I know it’s so selfish to suggest, that you should stop listening to the thoughts inside your head, and that burning desire within your heart, just so your friends and family don’t fall apart. but you leave because you feel like you have no worth, and how every day just gets worse. and you must feel so lost right now, but these words are your light now. you are loved and needed so much, your existence matters and the heart of your loved ones will shatter. not everything lasts forever and soon you and happiness will be together. somehow in this world everything finds its place, so please don’t go away, please stay. your life is a gift so please don’t lose it, your friends are a blessing so don’t push them aside, they want to help you in life. as day and night comes, your worries will run, life will become fun, you are ever so young. there’s so many days of your life to live yet, so many mistakes you’re gonna make and forgive yet, so many cities for you to explore, there’s life and so much more. this life is hard but you’re so strong, and where you are is right where you belong. don’t lose yourself, please just talk to a friend, tell them how this pain doesn’t seem to end. you’re going to be happy and you’re going to survive, I promise you, you’re going to get through this life.

[forethan21]

18/12/2020

To me love isnt about staying in a relationship or dwelling on a feeling. Love to me is bending but not breaking to compromise. It is the kind where you know when to let go in hopes to trust for the best to come, the kind where you empathise, showing vulnerability and completely surrender. (Remember when Jesus died for us in the cross? Diba he gave his all, his everything just so we can live. That should be a standard in our lives. To choose someone who would do anything to just be with us without questioning our worth. Never settle for someone who gives half of their heart. Its all or nothing.) The kind that is mature. Love is what you do despite of what you feel. The kind that fights for the good of someone else even if they never see the value or sacrifice that you did. (Thats what Jesus did. He never complained when he was on the cross. All the pain and burden he endured bc he loves us. And look at us now not even recognising how amazing he is. We took it this life for granted- some of us are wasting it, choosing people for our own accord and pleasure. Im saying this in general im not hinting it on anyone, but if the shoes fits then..) The kind that demands temporary surrender of security, giving up familiar bad habits and patterns, giving unrewarded works and efforts. The kind that challenges you in so many ways. Love wasnt made to be comfortable. It was made to show change and growth.

Not gonna lie tho i loved you for you and everything youve done. Those memories are dear to me bc i knew you tried no matter how difficult it was to love me in some days. Kaya gusto ko lng magpasalamat dun. Likewise, something i learned recently was that we should never question someone elses love for us regardless if it was inadequate. Bc i realised we should be thankful for the amount of love and care we receive from any person out there. Family, friends, lovers. That itself should be enough. Its not up to us how much love they should give to make us feel satisfied. That wouldn’t be love. The greatest love you could ever receive should come from you and the Lord not from anybody else. So i just wanna tell you that i take back those times i questioned your love. Bc what you gave was already enough.

Im sorry i couldnt wait for you to change. Bc i realised if you knew how to love me the very first time I wouldnt need to tell you anything. I wouldnt feel hurt bc im rest assured that you love me enough to know what to do. It didnt feel mutual to me.

When u came bck with your letter idk it seemed like there was something missing. Committment and plans. Maybe i was hoping that youd take me back but i guess it was the opposite. And maybe that was your answer after all. To tell me that you arent staying. I hope next time you go into a relationship po, you dont assume the worst. You dont jump into conclusions when it gets tough. Bc like anything can change if youre willing to do it. You need to trust the the other side will stay. It was the way your mindset was so fixed on the idea that I will leave. That i was making excuses. Ndi pow. I jst have standards. Oo tao ka lng, you make mistakes but how do i know tht youre not gonna make the same mistake again? Im jst protecting my heart po. I guess i dont wanna experience the same trauma again.

I hope someday na you will learn to see the good in people regardless if they did u wrong pow. (idk lng ha pero I dont think youve moved on sa ex mo pow. I feel like you havent fully forgiven her and accepted what has happened. I know it hurts to know that they betrayed you like that but your worth is not defined by them po. You did your best po and if she did not recognised that then thats her loss. This is partly what keeps u holding bck. Bc u didnt get closure. I hope you reflect on that and find the closure that you need po. Dont tell me you dont need one bc i know deep in your heart that it still hurts. Like bruh the fact na sure na sure ka na sa kanya u were ready to put a ring on her finger. You were hopeful and certain. I think it was meant to happen to test you both in your worst. You had your mistakes. She had hers. Dont you think you should close tht chapter of your life before starting a new one? Or more importantly, dont you think you deserve peace? Ill leave you to think bout tht). I wasnt trying to find something wrong jst to let you go. If i did i wouldnt put myself in a situation where I will lose my friends po.

Ethan i understand you. I understand your fear of giving too much to someone who youre unsure of and thats fine. But you need to accept the consequences of your mistakes. You need to take responsibility of it and what you couldve done to fix it. (Reflection is very important.) Youre not wrong for not knowing that but again you need to reflect in every situation in your life. It doesnt matter if you were right or wrong. Its important to do this bc the next time it will happen to you, you will know what to do. reflecting really helps you to step back and understand yourself, other people and the surroundings. It helps with analysing your own feelings, emotions and as well as understanding the depth of your own thinking. You need to consider other people’s feelings too. Understand their point of view and why they did things that way. 

I told you yesterday that what happened in the past does not define you. You may have done them so wrong but i hope your realise youre not in debt to them. I remember your story about what you did to the girl. Yung trauma mo sa kanya you gotta let it go pow. You dont need to blame yourself every day for something that youve no control of. You did it out of anger. and she threatened you bc she has her personal issues as well. She was showing wat kind of person she was. It does not put a label on u. So far as I know you havent apologised to urself for what had happened and u havent forgiven her for what shes done. Whenever youre mad po dont let your emotions get the best of you. Give space and time. Step back from the situation and reflect. count to ten and reorganise your thoughts and feelings. What happened? what made me feel that way? what can i do to fix this? 

The way i see it lng ha pero it felt like youre pitying yourself. And i want o reassure you that i recognised all you did to keep this relationship. The fights where you communicated with me, the times where you waited for me to explain, the support you give, and how you made me happy each single day. What youve done until this day is enough. I cant emphasise it enough. Ndi ko yun binalewala lahat. I saw your effort. Thats why i fought for u. Bc alam ko ndi ka ganun na tao. Kc alam ko na they have perceived you wrong. I saw the good in you. I saw that youre worthy of change. Everyone does pow. That was the purpose of it all.

But ldr is frickin hard. Being in a relationship is difficult enough let along ldr. Jst thinking about the amount of trust u hav for ur partner dang.. you need to fully invest on trust yo. How to overcome and resolve issues esp if theyre like me haha. Its hard for sure to do tht kc even ako may trust issues but it is possible. But as of now theres many areas in your life that you need to fix alone. Im not saying that im right ha. I could be wrong in so many areas about you that idk of but this is based on knowing you for months. im not saying you have a problem internally cuz we all have problems po What im saying is that there are some things we need to learn from others as well. Its a matter of listening and comprehending what theyre tryna relay and teach u.

Also asking for help isnt a weakness. (Idk but i cud feel you were mad that I reached out to your mother. Bro i know na kaya mo nman maging independent and i know na ayaw mo lng maburden yung parents mo with your problems on top of theirs but its gud that alam din nla ang anak nla is struggling and needs emotional support.) Its realising that we are deserving to feel and be emotionally supported. so dont ever feel bad for reaching out and admitting that youre struggling. after all were only human.

Though i never said anything i lowkey promised that I would not give up on you (sinsabi ko sa sarili ko to) bc i wanted to show you what its like for someone to stay. You told me about your past and struggles and i did everything i can for that not to happen again. You told me what broke your heart and I nver wanted you to feel anything like that in the relationship. More like i ensured that my intentions for you are pure. But somewhere along the way i came to realise that we both need to grow seperately. Not bc i gave up on you but bc i decided to think about myself and what i needed. I dont wanna text you and talk to u bc i respect you that much to know that this isnt the right time for both of us.

Being the way i am right now is for the best. Were both healing and getting the peace we need. God knows what Hes doing with us and i keep you in my prayers at night. Maybe someday down the line well meet again, at the right time. God will decide tht for us but for now ill be supportive of you in the silence. I dont wanna be civil cuz i know itll jst hurt you more esp since you have strong feelings for me. Dont worry my love for you will remain unconditional. But one thing i cant promise tho is that idk if my love for u will stay. We dont know what the future will bring. We may find our happiness in diff places. We may find it together. But all i know is i trust God to dictate my life. Thank you Ethan. Kahit paano i felt your unconditional love din. You can text me anytime if you need anything. Ill be here nman pow.

[claimingtheflame]

Conversations With My Mentor 1

I am studying for priesthood currently, and doing so have consulted a special spiritual advisor for some time throughout. I ask questions everyday people would ask, questions I may or may not have answers to, but his perspective is unique and powerful and I hope some of it stays with me if I am asked these questions myself.

I may edit the questions to omit personal info.

A thought came to me when my family was sheltering from a tornado. Help me understand. Do the gods inflict suffering or do they feel our suffering with us?

I would say neither. Everything that takes place here in the cosmos are driven by perfect forces, i.e. gravity never fails, elements always behave as they should, fire always rises, water is always wet, etc.

This cosmic perfection means then that an extreme event like a tornado or an earthquake are the products of this perfect working of the cosmos.

While we are personally directed by souls who desire to maintain the integrity of our body, these bodies are as much part of the cosmos as everything else, and so must bend to its laws. Or at least must do so without magic.

The gods however do hear the prayers of the pious and, being the masters of the cosmos, are capable of directing it so that the prayers might be answered. But the gods never inflict hurt upon anyone, their judgements come in the afterlife.

During our presence in cosmos, we can seek piety and virtue and be supplicants to the gods and they will help us, but we should also remember the power of fate when things don't go our way.

Think of the work of the gods like this:

You want to build a house and you have in your mind the idea of the house you want to build. You didnt have to build the house in your head though, the idea of it built was instantaneous.

However for you to realise the idea in the cosmos, you need to work the matter into the shape of the idea, and this takes time and is a process of construction. It isnt always perfect either since our acts are subject to the cosmos and we are not self-perfect beings.

However gods are self-perfect beings. When they work, they work perfectly. They stand beyond the cosmos, and so when they think of an idea, it is as if that idea came immediately into existence. However, since all things in the cosmos happens by process, we experience their ideas coming to fruition within the metric of time - something gods are of course not subject to - so sometimes the result of this is it destroys our works or our lives, mainly because we ended up in the fated path of these perfect works begun by them in process way before we even existed.

I have a feeling this is right, but I'll have a hard time swallowing it. Fully appreciating it, etc. I appreciate your perfect earnestness in these things. I do certainly agree and understand that many divine beings exist outside time and cosmos. Thats a concept I find is hard to explain to people.

Not sure if you grew up anywhere like this. Tornados come and go here and they tend to be bad lately when they happen. There was one a mile wide Not too long ago.

I do believe my prayers have been answered many times over this last few weeks. I prayed at the altar just before the storm hit. But once I was in the bathroom holding the damn mattress over the family. I gotta admit my faith took a whallop. My kids were talking about dying and being ghosts.

I saw the tornados across the river, 3 hit in all. Not only did they miss us. The whole damn storm did. There was hail and some harsh wind for maybe 45 mins and then it was quiet.

Of course the next morning I gave libation and thanked the gods for our safety.

I think it's hard because our experience of care is one where the carer generally has some kind of emotion in the delivery of that care, whether it a sense of love or duty or sympathy, which makes the care more coherent in our understanding and we appreciate this as social animals as it gives us a sense of social security.

[arwaaxxi]

Why me?

Summary- Having Daryl confess his feelings for you, was the only thing you ever wanted in this ruined world. But what happens when Negan shows up and everything changes.

[PART TWO]

[Previous Part]   [Next Part]

Characters - Father!RickxReader. DarylxReader. NeganxReader.

Note- it’s going to be a series.

Warnings- Smut in future parts, maybe? Violence. Abuse.

Number of words - 2044

I fucked up

I shouldnt have done this. I shouldnt have done this.

crap, crap, crap!!!!

I’m dead. they will kill me and kill everyone here because of me.

I’m so stupid! thats why dad never lets me do anything.

thats why daryl never noticed me

oh crap, Daryl!

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes.

his eyes were wide. everyone’s eyes was wide.

i had 200 guns pointed at me.

I’m going to get everyone killed.

I should have listened to Gabriel and stayed home.

“Let them go!” I said, trying to hold my grounds. trying to appear strong. keyword- trying!

“Wellll, Helloo there!” Negan said in a singsong voice

“Do you think you are cute? I will blow your brains out!” I said my voice raising. I pressed my gun harder into his head “Now!” I screeched and he raised his hands up in surrender.

“This, is sooo, not cool!” Negan said greeting his teeth.

“I said. LET. THEM. GO!” I said each word dangerously low.

“I say, how about you drop the gun, before someone gets hurt sweetheart?”

“If your men, take another step, from there place, I will seriously blow you all up!” I said, my voice fluttering in the end.

“You will regret this!” Negan said angrily.

“Y/n, drop the gun!” Carl said, his voice wavering with fear

“Y/n, get out of here” Michonne said

“Y/n, please.” Daryl said and thats when I half turned to take a good look at him. he was bleeding, oh god

“Y/N!” Dad’s voice yelled.

Before I could react, Negan had turned, and flipped the gun out of my grasp.

Everything happened fast.

The yelling, the kick I received in my abdomen, my hands being twisted behind my back and my hair getting yanked upwards and my face getting shoved in the ground.

Well, fuck!

“What do we have here!” Negan said as he squatted next to me looking at me.

Someone yanked my head up and now I came face to face with Negan

wow. if this wasn’t the time, i would totally tap that! but he was a maniac. who had my family on their knees and the only thing I’m going to tap, is my knife through his face.

“You are a kid!” Negan said amused

“Depends on your defenation of kid, asshole!” I spat

“Well, i give you A for the effort, sweetheart! but what you did here wasn’t cool, oh so not cool and I cant just stand for it. oh i certainly would not!”

“Just let us go, and we wont kill you!” i hissed at him, and the fucker holding my hair yanked it down and up again. i shut my mouth, trying to not hiss in pain

“Y/n, shut up!” Rick hissed and i rolled my eyes

“I dont think you realise who has the upper hand here, sweetheart.” Negan smirked

“Well how about you tell your minions to let me go and give me back my gun and we will see about that, asshole!” I snapped at him

“Y/n!” Daryl warned

Whats wrong with everyone, why is no one fighting. is this our end?

“I like your spirt!” Negan chuckled “Get her in line, with the rest!” Negan said and in a second i was yanked up and thrown in line next to Dayl

“What the hell were you thinking?” Daryl hissed at me, as he gave me a deadly glare

“You’re welcome!” i snapped back

“So what was I saying before I got interrupted?” Negan asked

“Picking who gets the honor.” A guy, with his hair combed back spoke

“Right!” Negan chuckled “I gotta say, this shit is hard!” he said as he started walking

Oh no. he was going to Carl, not Carl, dont you dare.

“You got one of our guns!” he told him as he kneeled in front of him “Lighten up, at least cry a little” he chuckled

“Leave him alone!” I said annoyed and some one hit my back with a gun

i fell on my face, fuck this was embarssing.

i looked up and it was the half burnt face dude, what was his name again? Elite? Blite? Dwight?

Dwight!

“Sweetheart, next time you cut me off, I’m going to do something you wont like!” Negan glared at me and i scoffed

“Next time you call me sweetheart, I’m going to do something you wont like. you know what, coming to think about it, I’m going to do something you dont like just to piss you off” I glared back at him and he smirked

what the hell?

why is this bastard smirking? I’m bloody serious!

he ignored me and went to Maggie

oh no, not Maggie

i turned to Glen, he was freaking out!

shit, shit shit

i showed have kept my mouth shut

if he hurts her because of me? oh god no

“You look like shit! let’s just keep you out of your misery right now!” he said as he raised his bat, swinging it. I closed my eyes shut, tight. I cant see this

“NO, GOD, NO!” Glen’s voice made me snap my eyes open

he has crossed to Maggie, lying in front of her. Dwight the fucking asshole was standing above him, with Daryl’s crossbow.

I’m going to get that crossbow back, and i will burn Dwight and Negan together at the stake, like they do to witches

Negan rubbed his jaw, his face turning serious “Nope, no! get him back in line!” he said annoyed, Dwight dragged Glen back, glen was whimpering.

“No, please no..” Glen sobbed

“Listen” Negan said “Dont anyyyy of ya, do that again!” he said as he swung the bat in front of everyone “I will shut that shit down! no exceptions! first ones free, its an emotional moment” he said “I get it!” he said cheerfully, flashing Glen, a hundred dollar smile.

what a fucking maniac!

Rick was sweating, his eyes tearing up. Maggie was swallowing her pain. Glen was sobbing. Eugene was terrified. Daryl was bleeding. Rosita didnt seem to register what was going on

And just now, it hit me. this might be our end.

i could be cocky and try to get his attention to keep him away from everyone else, as much as i wanted. but it wouldnt make a diffrence. we all were dead

he walked to Carl, oh no, please not again. kill me first before you touch anyone, please.

“He is your kid? right?” he said pointing at Carl. looking at Rick thoughtfully and then looking at Carl again, before turning to me “She is yours too!” he snickered. crap! “They are defiantly your kids!”

“So stop this!” Rick yelled

“Hey!” Negan yelled equally loud.

Fuck!

“Dont let me kill the little future serial killer, dont let it be easy on me!” Negan said pointing at Carl before turning to me and winking

what?

what just happened

“I gotta pick somebody! everyone is waiting for me at the table waiting for me to order!” he said as he started walking and whistling

how is he even this calm

“I got an idea!” he jumped excited. like he lost something and suddenly found it.

I’m going to kill this son of a bitch.

“Enie, Menie, Minii, Mo” he sang

WHAT THE FUCK

IS HE SERIOUS

Everything happened so fast, Negan choosing his victim, my hands shaking, my body stiffening, i wanted it to be me. i tried to speak, tried to volunteer, but I couldn’t find my voice, just Daryl’s hand holding mine tightly

“Anyone moves, anyone says anything, cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father!” he smiled. he is sick. disguesting. I dispise him “And then we’ll start! you can breath, you can blink, you can cry. hell you all will be doing that!”

he said as he smashed the bat in Abraham’s head

I couldn’t turn, i couldn’t shut my eyes. I saw everything happen in front of me.

Abraham stood his grounds, not like he just got hit by a bat, through his brain.

Abraham is like my big brother, he thought me how to fix cars. he shared with me his secretes, his conflict emotions, his love for Sasha and the guilt he felt for leaving Rosita. Abraham is my big brother.

Everything started so fast, but Negan smashing Abraham’s skull went so slow, i saw it in slow motion, as if the universe was laughing at me, taunting me. I couldn’t breath. i tried to move but Daryl gripped my hand tight.

Michonne was the only person between me and Abraham, Michonne was the only barrier between us. Michonne do something. someone do somthing.

Sasha was whimpering, Rick was shivering. Rosita was crying.

Abraham was smiling softly.

he accepted this

i didnt accept this

“Oh look at that!” Negan’s voice echoed. Rick turned his face “Taking it like a champ!” he whistled. no…

“Suck… my… nuts!” Abraham’s chocked words came out

Negan swung again, and again, and again, and again.

“Did you hear that!” Negan laughed “He said suck my nuts!” he repeated as he started hitting a dead corpse.

Abraham was my big brother.

Rick tried to get up, but his legs seemed to fail him

Maggie was shivering.

Eugene was crying big fat tears.

“Guys! look at my dirty, gurl!” Negan smirked

He walked towards Rosita, and i felt Daryl stiffen next to me.

he pointed the bat towards Rosita “Look at this!! he smiled "Damn! were you two together? that sucks! but if you were, you should know there was a reason for all this, he just took six or seven for the team!” he yelled the last part and I could feel Daryl shift next to me, letting my hand go.

oh Daryl, I wont let you.

“Take a damn look!” he said “TAKE A DAMN LOOK!” he yelled making Rosita flinch.

Before Daryl could move, i shoved him back, and jumped on Negan, swinging my fist at his face.

if someone else was going to die today, it wont be you, Daryl. i wont let it ever be you.

I reached for my leg knife as i pulled it out as fast as i could, trying to stab Negan, but he pushed me off of him as easy as you shoved a book.

Two men shoved me to the ground, one of them stood on my hand, crushing it under his weight, making me let go of my knife. I’m ready to die, just leave Daryl alone.

“NO!” Negan yelled as he shoved the bat right in front of my face “Oh, no!” I could hear Daryl curse, I could see Rick’s tears fall, I could see Carl fall back scared, I smiled at him. its okay little brother. take care of Judith.

I sent my silent prayer to anyone who is listening

Negan walked away from me laughing

“Oh my! That!” he said smiling at me “That” he repeated as he squatted next to me, just like he did before as his men shoved my face in the dirt  "Is a no, no! The whole thing, not one bit of that shit flies here!“ one of his men moved away and Dwight approched me with Daryl’s crossbow, pointing it at me

"Do you want me to do it? right here?” he asked Negan.

“I’m going to kill you, and take that back!” I spat at him and he pointed it towards me head, Negan chuckled.

He took my hair in his rough big hands as he yanked it, not so hardly up. studying my face he looked back at Dwight

“No” he smiled, and i could see that this bastard has dimples

cause god went like, ‘Sure why not make a crazy phsyco manic, hot. wait lets give him dimples for extra measures, so that if his gun runs out of bullet he can kill with his bloody looks’ yeah thanks god!

“You dont kill that! not until you try a little” he said, what? he wont kill me? why?

His fucking men dragged me back in line, tossed me like i weight nothing.

i will have to eat more

“Anyway, thats not how it works, now i have already told you people first one is free! and when i said i will shut that shit down! no exception!” he said as he walked towards us, shooting me a gloating smile “Now i dont know what kind of lying assholes you have been dealing with but first impressions are important” he said as he stared at me for a couple of seconds before he turned his gaze away “I need you to know me” he smiled as he raised his bat in front of him, smiling evilly “So, back to it!” he said as he swung his bat.

he hit Glen

Maggie screamed

My eyes were open, wide

“Maggie….” Glen chocked

Negan made a remark but i didnt listen. I did this. i killed Glen

“I will find…. you” Glen chocked out

[deeeknows]

Wowwwwo im honored and excited for you to read this blog. This one was hard for me to write so dont hate me if it is less easy to understand. Id love to discuss anything you guys hate/love in the comments. See you on the other side.

June 28

today was a big day for me as i was looking forward to taking my math assessment all day. i should have studied but hindsight is 20/20. what i will note is my trip with Uesin. he selflessly gave up his afternoon to drive me to my house, to get food, and then to lanham. What i appreciate about him is how thoughtful all of his actions are. not even just the ones that place me on the receiving end but rather how he places purpose in every decision he makes. i want my relationship with God to mirror how his looks in these ways one day. but after we the assessment i drive back and there is a group meeting centered around Vaughn and he was telling us about his relocation story. a very humbling experience but it seems like God does that to many people that being give them a task they cannot complete on their own. Important Part There is no way for me to claim i trust God with my life and then not my child’s life. so when i feel called to move into the city and education for my child comes up i dont think I want the best for my children. i want what God has for my family and i trust that following his will we do the rest. secondly i learned there is no way to do this alone. no matter how much i tell myself i hate people and want to be alone community is neeeeeeded for relocation. not only will God get you plugged into the city but he will plant you in community with folks with the same mission as you. your church should represent where you live and the values of Christ. make the sacrifices needed to do Gods work if youre going to go there you might as well all the way do it. Important Part people call tell when youre just moving in as compared to bringing Jesus into their Community.

June 29

without much change in my day to day this week i was eager to see where my life would be challenged. my first adventure came when i went further out of the city with Megan and Lestle to the bank. our walk confused me slightly because of what i anticipated to be true about the city was just not lining up to be true at all. everyone thinks the city is the worst part of baltimore but Important Part i am starting to believe i have reason to believe that the people who live outside the city before they are in the county technically that have the most strenuous places. ostracized from the county because they arent good enough and without the “resources” of the city. its a hard life out here. fastforward to dinner time im walking to hiphop chicken and a woman starts screaming to me if i want to buy any movies. its in my nature to stop and talk because i just cant pretend like i cant hear someone speaking directly to me or keep walking when someone is trying to get my attention. so tell her i dont have any interest in any DVDs or console games or perfume but that also wasnt good enough for her. so she crosses the street to better communicate her need for a dollar just have something to drink. the thing that was catching me was we were on our way to eat dinner and i had already decided i wasnt going to spend my money because i wasnt to hungry. so i told her i didn’t have any singles but she can have and i assured her that if i did she would be in luck. shortly after i ended up giving her the 5 to her surprise and she starts crying. i ask her name and then she tells me and i say i will be praying for her but my family group was standing a ways off and were waiting for me to go to dinner. as i tried to walk away she reaches out for me and asks for me to pray for her now. by the time im finished she is in full blown tears and i just gotta go because i cant be out here crying in these streets. i tell this story because i think for me and her it was more than about the mere 5. Important Part while the 5 would get her something to drink it wasnt going to meet all of her needs and we both knew that. the immediacy she wanted her interaction with her Savior right then. and it just teaches me not walk past anyone again because besides “costing me” 5 dollars which was only mine for all of 5 minutes i was able to be with her in her interaction which i believe she will remember way longer than she will remember the 5 i dont even remember what it looked like.

June 30

Who am I. Question I’ve found in all of my conversations since Sunday. Looking for ways I could define myself without telling people what I’m not. Today’s thought provoking comments came by the brilliant minds of Feitian and Lestle. After I was taking notes on my Asian culture 101 class I started to realize my questions weren’t specific to myself and that many other people groups go through the very same things I do. Seeking to find ones self. Feitian communicated to me the exact thing that I knew I couldn’t have been the only other person thinking. That people don’t want to know you, they’d rather skip all the time it would take to get to know each person and use what they have gathered previously through most times skewed lens to contextualize you. Important Part Who you are and who you aren’t are two different people trapped in one body. And most times we are stuck in between looking for someone else to shine some light on us to help determine where our strengths and almost-strengths lie. But I didn’t come to this until the 3 of us went around and spoke about how we were having such immense difficulty communicating who we were to the next person or how hard it was without describing what we weren’t. I believe we live in our pursuit for purpose in our lives and we start with figuring out who we are and what we like. Most times we never make it to the second part without placing our identity in Christ. Important Part It sounds super corny but I have been thinking all week and those are the only concrete things I can describe myself with that others cannot change the definitions to. Who knows. Maybe one day I won’t be afraid of someone knowing me better than I do. But I can’t call it as of yet.

July 1

Writing this a day after wasn’t my smartest idea yet. But we didn’t do as much. It was comprised of a seminar on racial reconciliation. while this seems like a super broad topic and it is. the main parts of what we were doing were focused around a couple steps that really broke down the process into knowing who you are racially and ethnically and what that means for our society and how can we knowing our differences work to create heaven on earth. this whole seminar was a challenge as to what i thought heaven was going to look like. i can see now what a real working definition of unity looks like. unity is fully realized in diversity. as a puzzle works there are many many pieces and they are all shaped through cultures and experiences they have been in. Important Part we needed more than 1 uniqueshape to complete the image of God and thats what unity is about. accepting people who are different from you and working with them because we all together reflect God

After the seminar we went on a trip to the National Blacks in Wax museum. While it was a learning experience i would have enjoyed maybe another hour or 7 to properly pace myself to get to really digest the museum. The worst part about this whole thing for me is in the idea that many of the atrocious acts that were used to oppress black people in the past were not only “based” out of christian beliefs but also done by christian people. So to think about reconciliation for me is to attach myself to an agent that was used to divide people in the past didnt sound appealing at all. Important Part But i realize i serve a God that is big enough to take what some people manipulated to hurt and dehumanize my people and redeem not only what was taken but Christ’s name. This is so important to me because the more broken the more we can see God’s grace cover many times over.

July 2

as practicing sabbath becomes more and more a thing im getting used to im thankful for the time im putting aside to be alone. lol and be with

God. i went over to the Zubeks home and there i met so many new friends. these people im starting to see work together to get your will done and i say the way teamwork looks. vision casting and group work does more and helps to create a community that is dependent on each other. every part of me hates being dependent on someone else but im trying my best to do more than just isolate myself and grow to work with people towards a common goal. but today i went to worship at a mass. it was so new and short i didnt even realize it was over when it was. a different pace but not something i dont think id do long team. i dont see enough variability for myself. i like the experience. id want to get to understand why they do all of what they do for their practices.

July 3

monday was a day that we began to get back into everything with brother Jeff. as a starter we spent about 30 minutes in prayer interceding on behalf of the kids who were just coming back from camp, playing in the league, and the coaches. This is so valuable to me because of what the kids experienced while they were at summers best 2 weeks. This christian camp was a structure and environment that many different kids have in. Brother Jeff took these 7 kids and they all took MAJOR steps in their walk with Christ. And this is great to see but everyone isnt going to be at the best 2 weeks forever and the situations these kids are coming back to isnt one that would accidentally foster them to continue to grow. Important Part Which is why we were fighting in prayer for these kids to meet us halfway so we can continue to pour into them while they are around. becoming an intercessor is exciting me more and more because im becoming like my momma and i see the importance and value of what she does so well. pray for others. i might have to get me one of those closets that dont have a door since i feel like id get locked in and die. but thats besides the point. we then went shopping for the 4th and the weekend for him before coming back home and doing more admin things. then my favorite part of it all. spending time with the youth came. we took timmy*** to the park to hoop for quite some time. seeing and getting these kids to be themselves and slowly begin to look up to myself and lestle and begin to ASK us questions just shows how willing and eager they are to learn. cant wait for more times.

July 4

Writing this blog now I’m still experiencing the 4th in the city and so the nonstop fireworks kept me awake enough to write this entry. To begin my 4th I went to brother Jeffs home and had a cookout with the kids and some of his closest mentees. Over a couple games of uno, burgers, and corn we discussed among many other things honor. While it might seem like a little thing to you guys honor for these kids is VERY VERY important. As I believe it should be for everyone but in biased. Honor and respect is given to those who earn it and something you would never give up on your own accord without a fight. While I know this to be true in my life it didn’t settle in how serious this was until asked point blank where put in a situation you had to Choose walking away with your life or dying with your pride that some would choose to die. Not only did this seem almost ludicrous to me but it wasn’t until shortly after that “death before dishonor” really held any weight. Not only were these kids being put in these situations but they were being forced to make these decisions and would rather die and be known as a real one that held to their values than to flake even when your life is on the line. I love it when someone teaches me something new about myself and this was definitely a time i could realize who i was and where i could grow, Because just putting it in my Blog doesnt mean id be willing to give up my life for anything. Important Part These soldiers would be rocking it in the army of God but until we can get them to stand on the solid rock of Jesus things prolly not gon stay too bright.

My second part of my day I want to compare firework experiences. While they aren’t entertaining to me I enjoy seeing others amused by them. To start off we went to the Zubek Home to watch then after our crab feast. People start to filter onto the roof of their rowhome in SOWEBO and lean up pretty much with their significant others. As people all around the city shoot of their fireworks the thing that stuck out most to me in this situation was how people were celebrating. The laid back privileged group of christians versus the constant street show that we watched for close to an hour as they blocked off stricker less than 50 meters from our home opens my eyes to so many things and actually visible comfort zones. Important Part I want to remember to that the people in Baltimore are not here to put on a show for me on my rooftop but rather that im challenged to learn, experience, and love on the people to try and better understand them. Connections work wonders as we watched and listened to the fireworks go off from 9-2 am non stop.

While this blog was harder for me to write i think there were less Important Parts as well and i dont want yah to hate me for it. Hopefully the ones ive pointed out in this last week add help with anything you might have experienced once upon a time. My last impressions would be to find 3 things you can tell me about yourself without telling me who you arent. My challenge would be to try a vegetarian lifestyle for a week. And my question would be where would you put yourself on the death before dishonor scale?

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

God is answering my prayers

the last few days have been raining, and i love it. it has been so fun i love the rain and clouds. I am meeting such cool people and they like me for me its really sweet. i havnt felt this way with people other than sophia and my family for a long time. and its me not under the influence which is really cool. i think i may be acting too happy tho, i might be annoying, but if im hapy im happy right. i got kinda an attidude cuz they wouldnt let me leave recovery group for substances and i wanted to go to eating disorder topics i got really quiet after it just made me mad because i didnt wanna be there. well i lied to them, ive smoked once. i wonder if susan is mad about that. i should talk to her maybe. or dont, its my business and i did it once and regret it anyways. I love my mom i just gotta get over her bugging me honestly. but last night we had so much fun adn watched tv and it was a lovely night. and then i came home and dad anmd barrtt were in the garage having really good conversations. this answered my prayer because it really stresed me out the other night when they were fighting. we talked about the idea that his generation were like dogs and our gernation is like ctas. and then we watched live bands perform the mathew something baand and peter gabirel it ws truly a blessing. and earlier i started crying because 1 the rainbow was so beautiful and 2 i saw barrett driving and as he turned to look at the ambulence that passed the other way i saw his glasses. there kinda dorky in a way but not really idk but it made me love him so much. it made my heart aso tender towards him i started crying. i started thinking about how much i love my family i wish i coudlve enjoyed more time with us all together but thats just how it works and i am the youngest. i just have so much love adn gratitude for them. at sunst i continued crying and 3 birds flew over me. i think it was Gods sign to me. I am held by the creator of the universe and he is near to me. in the garage i thought about how at barretts concert outside at dads one night i was in the kitchen at one point ( this concert i proceeded to ask for money from people for my bible study and recieved upwards $60. I did buy notebooks with bibkle verses on them and im pretty sure my mom just ended up using them )and carter said “did barrett just try to pulla screamo” cuz barrettett screamed a bit i thought about how much barrett practiced and was probably so nervous to perform in the first place. Little did we know he would be our step brother in the years following. He said it kinda louder so it was a statement to be made not just a whispered side comment. it was arragont and i know based in his deeply ruted insecurity that barrett is better than him. in wish i could go back and help barrett when things like that happned. when he was ging thru his hurt and confusion i wish i could be like the person i am today and comfor him adn help him so he didnt grow to have a resentful heart towards christianity. but thats nnot my responsibility and the fact of the amtter is i was little and had no knowledge or capability of doing so. Here we all are with outr past hurt as we are and none of us can go back in time. and i do believe everything happens fora  reason and weare all here bruises and cuts frfrom the past hurt and shame for whatver reason. i love my brothers so much and my mom and dad i was so blsessed to even be born and the fact this happned not out of a place of love just proves its a mircale even more. past the hurt past the lack of love. came beautiful children and i am so grateful to have been born and apart of this famaily. thank you Lord. I have so much love for my brothers, like seriously even just barretts shorts an he way his car is alwyas e]messy. kyles funny faces and chill personality and michaels ability to make any situation fun. I think they are the best men on this planet. i want them tojalways be in their lives. i love them all. it scares me thinking about how kyle will be goignoff to baseball michael willbe here married with hayley and barrett, idk, hopefully he goes on crazy adventurres and falls even depper in lve with someone and wwith life. and the thought about me going up tos anta barba=ra means im leaving all this and the moment i had last night. but my dad shared how family is always here. and i really souldnt not go live my life because i have a string attached to mescared to levae my family. i ma just so thankful and God is answering my prayers