#thought i was gonna throw up for a minute thrre

[sterlingh-117]

I have auditions for the school musical tomorrow and it is the most nervous I have ever been

Guys. I’m freaking out. In approximately 16 1/2 hours I’m trying out for the lead in the school musical. There’s a senior going out for the part (I’m a junior) and I’ve been practicing the song for well over a month, but I’m so scared. The last few school theater events (by last few I mean: 8th-10th grade ensemble parts in the musical) I haven’t gotten the biggest part and it made me really loose confidence in my skills. I used to never get nervous before auditions and even when I started to it wasn’t until day of. Now I’m trying to go to sleep and just shaking because of how nervous I am. My throat is closing up and I feel like I’m gonna puke. I never blamed my directors for not giving me a part because there was someone better suited for the roll. But this year I’m one of the oldest there, I’m PERFECT FOR THIS PART. I’m serious, if you knew me in real life and saw Adelaide (Guys and Dolls, this is the part I’m going for) then you’d realize that we were almost the same person, except she’s got a squeaky voice and is a dancer. She’s an alto, she’s a comedian, she’s dramatic. She’s BASICALLY ME. So I’m basically just making this post to reassure myself so that I can fall asleep, but I still know I’ll be shaking for hours after the audition. The parts don’t come out until the ninth of September (today is the 4th now at 12:05 am) and me getting no sleep is not going to help the situation. I really wanna like take something that’ll mellow me out but that would be bad... right? (Haha jk). So hopefully I get this part, I really do want to not be an ensemble part this year. I don’t know if I can mentally handle it. Because I went into a really high depression last year, not only because of this, there were a lot of things going on. But this happened at the same time, I was in ensemble and I was student director. I was seriously considering quitting the musical and for those of you who know me that’s a big deal because... I don’t like to quit commitments and I’m IN LOVE WITH DOING MUSICAL THEATER. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. Honestly I just wanna do my best tomorrow and see how everything goes and hope that it turns out my way. Even if it doesn’t (even though it would suck) I’m not straining my entire mental health through this tiny hole. I have a lot of toxicity removed from my life (he was just really toxic and he’s doing full time PSEO ((college)) so I will hardly see him except for musical practice and his influence being removed has really improved the environment around me, even though it’s only been one day I’ve noticed a significant difference in how my thoughts are and how his comments really did affect me majorly. And he’s someone I thought was my friend, and now he’s gone and I never realized how much better it would be with him gone) it wasn’t just one person but this persons influence on the people surrounding me has become basically invisible, so thank you to this person who has decided to leave the high school I’m in and choosing to further your education AWAY FROM ME. This is just me venting for 15 minutes. I’ll probably do the same thing tomorrow because this has really calmed me down and has really collected my anxieties and put them in a different place other than my brain. So if you made it to the end of this very long rant. Thanks, ummmmmm hope I get the part... pray for me... ummmmm bai