#though. theres something towards the end that might make that difficult. formatting wise

[birdybirdnerd]

i think when i finally eventually finish somewhere else in like six years probably im gonna print it out and bind it because. i can

[botwstoriesandsuch]

Sidequests are part of the story so it’s still my ballpark shut up it’s time for

Read Part 1 here!

Part 2 || Part 3

If you’re on mobile, and tumblr hates this post, follow along on this google doc!

Rules/overview this rewrite in the beginning of Part 1

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Side quests, side quests, side quests. What are they? And what are they doing here, on an Age of Calamity rewrite? I must admit, game design is not an inherent forte of mine, and I like to think that my only “expertise” would be on writing and storytelling. So what the fuck is a fool like me doing here

Well my dear ladies, lads, and gentlefolk, if your memory does serve, I did say that the format of Age of Calamity was one that served the major plot and story beats for it’s cutscenes, and its worldbuilding and good parts of it’s character development for its gameplay and side quests. It’s actually a concept that can be seen in shows and movies too, although obviously it’s origins are in TTRPGs and videogames. Definition wise, a side quest is any deviation from the main story and plot that serves to flesh out an optional/overseen aspect of the game. So there’s out perfect outlet for worldbuilding, characters, and even a bit of humour. Side quests, by definition, can’t simply be just XP grinders, because otherwise you could…..just make an XP grinder. It’s like saying you’re getting your kids a bike, but then you get them a stationary exercise one. Sure it’s functionally the same and gives the same benefits, but it could be so much more. 

Does Age of Calamity have good side quests? I’d actually argue, yes. I mean sure, it’s not exactly gonna hold a candle to Fallout or Witcher 3, but there are great memorable side quests that do serve their purposes in this game. 

A fan favourite is “The So-Called Knight,” in which Link spars Mipha, Teba, Sidon, and Revali, a conflict of the Sidon’s confidence and belief in Link, with Revali’s skepticism and grudge against him. Not only is it great fandom content, but it explores the carrying POVs of several characters in a fun way. We also have Hestu’s Dance Competition, and the Miss Vai Battle Pageant. What they lack in serious character tone, they make up for in humour and world building. Even the quests that have nothing to do with the main cast of characters, like the Questionable Escort Mission, still provide funny and interesting details about the world, like how the Yiga Clan is still ever persistent in trying to take down Link with monsters and Windcleavers alike. 

It’s not like those side quests were functionally useless either, all of them still provided great amounts of exp and materials. What specifically made them great and memorable was their small little stories and character/world details. Of course, that’s not to say you can’t have the occasional plotless boss rush every now and again, those are fun in their own right and it’s good to have variety. But just thinking about it...what were everyone’s least favourite sidequests? The timed Yiga Escape?  The ones where you sit around defending strongholds? The one hit death Hair-Width Trials? Ah...so all the least enjoyable side quests were the ones that were difficult, with no enjoyable character or worldbuilding to back it up….interesting interesting….interesting pattern indeed. 

So, let’s improve the game a bit further. I do need to pace out my future character arcs somehow. I tried to make use of the existing quests where I could, but it’s just eaaaasier to just not think about it and do it from scratch. Just shove these in place of all those quests whose only description is “monsters have been spotted here! Take Mipha and go to work!” and stuff like that. Alrighty then! Here’s my take on cool side quests for every single character thus far, along with their paired gambit attacks. Prepare for heists! Drama! Simping! And Bananas!

Link: Mastering Stasis

Ok I have no idea when this quest unlocks so just for my purposes assume this only becomes available after Link pulls the Master Sword. 

Engage the hordes of monsters that have been spotted in Hyrule Field. Now is a great time to master the use of the Stasis Rune. Impa and Zelda accompany you, but it seems stasised monsters aren’t the only thing coming to a tense standstill…

This isn’t anything that special, I just want to further highlight this tension that Zelda and Link have, as it’s something touched upon in Botw, but never really mentioned or used ever in Hwaoc. Now more than ever, Zelda has an excuse to have a rocky relationship with him because she could actively see just how far he’s coming in such a short amount of time. Classic “he probably hates me so I guess I’ll hate him” thing.

You play as Link, the game gives you your little prompts on how to use Stasis, you take out a few hordes of Bokoblins and blah blah blah. I wanted to use an earlier level to establish Zelda’s relationship sooner as obviously it’s gonna be important to the story. But of course like all side quests it won’t kill you to skip out. Text dialogue can be Zelda saying science shit like “This will be a good opportunity to test out the full limits of the Stasis rune” and then Impa’s all “Yep! We got your back, Princess! We’ll clear out these monsters in no time.”Then Link the little angsty shit that he is says nothing, and as you play you clear out more and more bokoblins Zelda just says “...” and then we can toss in a Moblin or two in there for gambit voice stuff.  

Gambit dialogue with Impa would be supportive, her usual spunky dialogue. I had two ideas for Gambit attacks with Link: One where Impa does that thing where she cuts a giant laser through the air, but it’s aimed towards Link and he parries it right in a monster’s FACE because I think it’s badass and also a good way to show trust and stuff. The second thing was Impa’s giant bomb barrels, but Link is the one to somehow ignite them, because he is an arsonist after all. He can even have a chaotic Sheikah blue glint in his eyes like blue flame, I can already picture it so clearly given how anime/dramatic Impa’s movements are. Impa sets bombs, Link *teleports behind Moblin* nothin personal, kid. 

Also right at the end of their gambit attacks, Impa and Link should try to fist bump or something (cause the whole “cool guys don’t look at explosions” thing that Impa usually does on her own) but are interrupted by eggbot jumping up to try and join in. And then Impa can be annoyed and try to punt it or something. That’s not just self-indulgent that’s in her character she totally would and I want to make use of the fact that eggbot travels around with Link. The success of her attempts to punt him can vary.

If Link does a gambit with Zelda, her dialogue can just be her usual monotone Princess stuff, “Thanks for lending your strength,” or “There is still much more to do!” just purely professional, we’re not at a stage yet where she’s buddy buddy with Link. Their gambit attacks can still be cool though. One idea I had was Zelda using stasis, and you know how when you use it in botw everything lights up with that sonar effect? So Link stands besides Zelda, and she activates stasis, the first “sonar” light wave reveals the stasised monster, and you see it from the view of the Sheikah Slate. Then with each additional flash of sonar you just see this silhouette of Link going absolute ham on a monster. And then when the stasis “ding ding ding ding ding” is done, everything’s just dead. Can you see my inspiration from Persona 5 yet? Second idea was Zelda using cryonis and makes an ice ramp for Link to shield surf on and ram into a monster. For entertainment purposes Zelda should also be putting frogs on said slide. (Also also the reason I’m putting Link as the main focus for those gambit attacks is because I want to juxtapose it with future gambits where Zelda may or may not be more powerful…)

Anyhow anyhow, so this side quest, you beat some bokoblins, theres a moblin or two. However as you progress Zelda’s dialogue because a bit more passive aggressive, maybe Zelda can be a bit irritated at how quickly Link is defeating everything before she can even contribute. Impa can comment on this like “She hasn’t exactly been warming up to you, has she…” and then the last point of the side quest, Zelda runs off, there’s a...let’s say a big horde of blue or black Moblins. Or a horde of Wizzrobes, I’m not too picky on it. Link can save her and do a gambit or whatever, but the point of importance is that Zelda leaves with the clear mindset off, “You don’t need to keep coddling me, I can handle my own” to Link, but is “Thank you, I’m glad you’re here,” to Impa. 

Now I stole was inspired to use this based on this comic by @novellanova, and you should check it out here. But basically, at the end when all the monsters are dead and the last few text boxes are rolling, Impa says something like “Gee, at this rate I might have to protect you from the princess! Hmm…. you know, maybe if you two had the opportunity to hang out more and get to know each other, she’d warm up to you! Ha! That’s it! I’ve made up my mind. Listen up Link, from now on I’m gonna let you man the wheel when it comes to protecting Zelda. So with me out of the picture you better take the opportunity to be the nicest, most helpful, and most effective body guard there is. I know you already are, but still, if I hear that one little Chuchu so much as splat in her direction I will take you down...got it?” And, that’s that.

Side quest done. Fun Link gambits with Impa and Zelda, some little character POVs on the situation, plus an explanation as to why Impa doesn’t accompany Zelda everywhere/nods to the cutscenes of Botw as to what happened to Impa. Alright, that was probably the most boring one so let’s move on to

Daruk: A Rumbling Stomach

Alright I’ll be honest...I have no idea what to do with Daruk. Especially when Yunobo’s not here, I got zip-zero to work with considering his character is non-existent. Further down the line I’ll certainly try to give him more nuances and the like, but I’m afraid the majority of my character efforts have been towards Astor, Revali, Zelda, and [REDACTED] so this is my apology ahead of time, rock fuckers.

This is my take on how to make those timed quests more fun. So basically, the premise of this stage is that Daruk was just happily hanging around trying to enjoy his rock roast, when a monster surprised him and he dropped it, and now it’s rolling down the hill. This is based on my real Breath of the Wild experience where I had to trek up that Volcano path to bring a rock roast for that shrine quest, but at the very top I dropped it and had to chase it down before it fell into the lava below. 

Daruk is eager to chow down on the finest rock roasts this year has to offer! It’s too bad things go downhill when monsters start to ambush. Defeat key enemies and rescue Daruk’s tumbling meal before this year’s wait goes to waste!

So, that’s what this is. The stage opens and Daruk says “NOOooOO! My rock roast! Damn monsters!” and you have to defeat baddies and catch up to the rock roast before the timer runs out and it falls into lava. And then when you finish and get back the rock roast that’s pretty much it….except SIKE no it’s not. Because a lot of these timed quests usually have a “surprise! There’s more!” thing at the end so I’ll do that here too. So Daruk has saved his rock roast and he’s talking about how he’s going to enjoy it in all its deliciousness, when he’s cut off by a random Goron’s scream. Turns out, Daruk’s yelling at the monsters about desperation to retrieve his lost lunch has attracted monsters to some traveling civilians, and now you gotta go beat a Talus, or a couple of Moblins, or something...Again I don’t really have level set or idea when these side quests unlock so just use your imagination. Once Daruk defeats the monster(s) the Gorons can thank him, and then one of the Goron kids can be like “Ooo! Is that a super special rock roast?!?” And Daruk is all:  “Ah! Well all the best Goron heroes eat plenty of rocks! This here is the gourmet stuff. You can only get it once a—” And the kid’s like “Woah! I’ve always wanted to have one, that’s why I’ve been training hard so I can explore more of the mountain. Where’d you get it??” And Daruk can sputter a bit, before finally sighing and giving into his instincts. “Ah….well, why don’t you have it? You’re probably really hungry after running around with those monsters…”

“Woah really?? Are you sure—”

“YEAH JUST TAKE IT ALREADY GO”

“Woah, thank you!” and then the Goron kid and co run off. Cue Daruk crying to himself in the background. Daruk may have an appetite, but I like to characterize him as the Goron Hero first and foremost.  

I’m sure that doesn’t stop him from mourning his rock though.

Mipha: Stronger Sentiments

Mipha and Daruk talked a whole bunch about training together so that Mipha can grow stronger, and Daruk was catching on to her crush on Link and it was a nice interaction in between them except for the fact that we never see them do the damn training so that’s what this is.

I think this is as good an opportunity as any to make this a Hair-Width quest, the ones where you can’t take one hit. The difficulty of a level is one of the most effective ways to put the players in the boots of a character to experience the same struggles they do. If the player works hard, then they automatically associate that with the character working hard. So, yeah, let’s have Mipha kicking ass and working to be strong enough to protect Link.

Mipha is determined to grow stronger. Daruk and the other Gorons are helping out with an intense training session by Gut Check Rock. Prove yourself by defeating all the enemies you encounter!

So Mipha is sparring with the Gorons, you fight through them and the captains and blah blah, the final boss is fighting Daruk without getting hit. 

“I promise not to hurt you more than I’m capable of reversing.”

“Ha! Give me all you’ve got, princess!”

You fight, cue the special music or whatever. I mentioned that gambit dialogue/attacks could also work to be custom for the character that you’re fighting, so I’m thinking something like this. Daruk slams the ground and rocks and magma sprout up around him like jagged pieces of glass, but Mipha is no where to be seen. Daruk’s kinda huffing and puffing, “Where’d you go Mipha…” and then FWOOSH, giant geyser right behind him. [yes I KNOW I overuse the *teleports behind you* “nothing personal, kid” thing but I think it’s COOL and you can’t stop me] So anyhow, you know that thing in Avatar where Pakku is just riding at the top of a whirlpool and destroying everything? That’s Mipha.

Daruk turns around and scratches the back of his head. “...huh….that’s not good.” Cue Mipha swooping down to deal the defeating blow. 

So Mipha wins, she can mention how wonderful it was and how much stronger she feels. And she can thank Daruk, and he’s all “No problem!” but he mutters something like “And I thought Gorons hit hard...now I know how Link feels.” End side quest….SIKE it’s another surprise boss at the end. A Goron captain suddenly reports that an Igneo Talus has appeared nearby. 

Mipha goes up to fight it, but wow! Link is already there. They both fight it, but it’s clear that Link didn’t need her help that much. You can defeat the Talus with a Mipha/Link gambit. It’s similar to Link’s usual “swing sword in a giant circle and become a death windmill” but Mipha kinda enhances it with water or something and it puts out the Talus. I wanted this ending with a focus on how strong Link is just to show that while Mipha is improving, she’s still not yet where she needs to be. 

Daruk: “Sorry I wasn’t much help at the end there, I was busy, uh, stretching.”

Mipha: “Oh it’s quite alright, Daruk. We were both quite tired from today’s training.”

Daruk: “Well I dunno about that...seems to me you were quite lively and active as you fought beside Link. *wink*”

Mipha: “Huh!?!? W-What is that supposed to mean??”

Cue laughter from Daruk. Mipha is flustered. And Link is just...confused, as always. 

Urbosa: Mighty Thunder of the Gerudo

So in the game this is just some normal outpost capturing, stronghold defending side quest, but we’re gonna spice it up just a bit. 

An important excavation site is being overrun by monsters, and Urbosa has set out to engage them. Defend and capture the outposts, in order to prevent this valuable place from falling into enemy hands…

So you fight as Urbosa, defeat some enemies and blah blah. When you first arrive there, I want one of the Gerudo Captains to be like “Lady Urbosa? Where did you come—What are you doing here? Aren’t there areas of greater importance for you to be at right now?” Urbosa says something like “Nevermind that now, let us focus on achieving victory over these rotten beasts.” 

As the battle goes through, it is revealed that this excavation site is where Zelda’s mother would often work and hang out with Urbosa. Urbosa says some stuff like “Her Majesty would not be happy to see all these monsters heading here!” *decapitates Moblin* and then she can say other dramatic stuff at the end like “We have fought well...for her memory” and other classic lesbian pining. Some guard at the end can say “Perhaps you should move on and help out somewhere else, Lady Urbosa. We can handle the clean up from here.” 

“Sure,” Urbosa replies, “Just another moment.” And then cue reminiscing. “She always did love these machines…”

And just other sentimental stuff like that. If you’re gonna be a coward and hold out on the Champion death angst, then you best be pumping that angst and emotion from somewhere, you know?

Also yay for worldbuilding! At least in my rewrite, the Guardian excavations and stuff were overseen by the Queen. Could be a reason Zelda hangs out with Sheikah tech so much...who knows who knows... who knows what other implications this has, it’s just a side quest after all.

Revali: Anti-Ice Training [get it??? Cause in this one, Revali’s gonna break the ice with some other characters?? I’m funny I swear]

Ok so for this one, I want to pull Revali’s character away from just “the birb that doesn’t like Link” and give him some other stuff to stand on. Obviously, there would be other side quests in a fully fleshed out game that did even more to characterize him, but for my rewrite I’m only dedicated this post and one other future post to sidequests, so I gotta really bring out what I can for the few side quest stories I have time to tell

Revali sets out alone to deal with some monsters by the Hebra trail. Although intended as an isolated moment to hone his skills, he finds himself with unexpected company. Defeat key enemies.

So you play as Revali and at first you’re alone, taking out Ice Lizalfos and the like. Revali’s text dialogue can say stuff like “Hmm...not fast enough” “My current needs to be stronger” “*mutters* Can’t compete with lightning and magma with aim like that.” Just stuff that establishes that he’s working hard to really prove himself as the best, but is still a bit insecure about his position. He thinks he’s better than Link, sure, and he certainly thinks that being a princess or a chief doesn’t automatically make you the best. However by this point, Revali has battled alongside the other Champions and seen their skill in battle, and has developed some respect for them. Afterall, Champions were chosen in some part for their skills, unlike Link or Zelda who destiny just thrust greatness upon. 

So Revali has this slight insecurity that compared to lightning, and magic healing, and magma, with chiefs and princesses and titles of heroes, he and his efforts will be overshadowed and forgotten, unfairly deemed the useless one. Thus, here he is, training in solitude, not wanting anyone to see the imperfections and mistakes until he is absolutely perfect.

Except for the fact that after you beat a Wizzrobe, the other three Champions show up. 

Revali: Wh—Huh?? What are you all doing here?

Urbosa: Well, we all have to travel with the princess to that Tower in a few hours, so I recommended we find you and hang out until then

Mipha: And a good thing too! Look how many monsters there are

Revali: I’m actually doing very well on my own right now. Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold or something, so why don’t you head on back and let me handle this.

Daruk: Aw, it’s not that we think you can’t do this. It’s that you’re hogging all the fun! Urbosa: And that it would be more efficient if all of us went to work

Daruk: That too

Revali: Look it’s not—you all can’t just—this is not just about—AUGH, look, I’m just trying to train myself at the moment, and I don’t need you all to mess with my drills

Urbosa: Training, hm? Well how about this...you let us continue helping you with these monsters, and after, I’ll let you in on a good Gerudo training technique

Revali: Hmph. Fine, whatever gets you out of my tail feathers faster

So Revali and the Champions clear out the monsters. Revali can have gambit attacks/dialogue with each of the other Champions. This is already incredibly long so perhaps I’ll save specifics for another time, feel free to use your imagination. Urbosa teasing Revali and they make a thunderstorm, Mipha and Revali swimming in the sky and kissing—wait that’s— 

When all the monsters are cleared, which honestly isn’t tooooo many, Revali speaks again.

Revali: So what’s this oh-so-holy technique you had in mind, then?

Urbosa: Ah yes, well really it’s quite simple. It’s called…

Urbosa: One-on-one combat

Now Revali fights Urbosa. It think it’d be really fun if your allies on a stage could swap to a boss, and I wish hwaoc had a bit more freedom with the interactions as a whole, but ah well, that’s what I’m here for I guess.

So when you/Revali defeat her, it’s a good accomplishment! Not only for you the player, as Urbosa would not be the easiest to beat, but also because match-up wise, Revali prevailing over Urbosa is a big feat as their styles are quite opposite, arguably with the strength in favour for Urbosa.

Revali might at first have the mindset that Urbosa is overconfident and thinks she’s got an easy win on Revali, but that mindset is quickly proven wrong when 1) the difficulty of the gameplay itself shows how they’re both doing their best and 2) Urbosa with her Gerudo qualities is probably shouting stuff like “give it your all!” and things.

And so, as you beat her...

Revali, kinda huffing and puffing, but just a bit:: ...you….held back

Urbosa: Come now, do you really think of me as someone who’d do that? I’m almost insulted.  

Revali: Hmm...perhaps not then....

Mipha: Wow! What a wonderful fight from both of you. 

And then insert some other dialogue from Daruk or something that shows the Champions acknowledging the training and hard work Revali must have put in to be so skilled. Perhaps it’s not so bad, when you train with others and your skill is fully appreciated by your frie—GAH. Perish the thought, they’re all just a bunch of royal fools who can’t hold a candle to the skill of a Rito Master….probably…

Revali: Well unlike you lax fools, I tend to take my job seriously. I don’t have time to longue and banter when the princess is still expecting me in an hour or two

Urbosa: Oh alright, let’s get to it then. What’s the expression? “The early bird gets the w—”

Revali: Gross. No. Don’t finish that sentence, I beg you. 

Urbosa: Oh? Well why don’t you fly off to escape my dreadful tones then?

Revali: ...Heh, don’t be absurd…

Revali: Without me, you’ll all probably get lost. So, I suppose I should stick around for that sake Great Fairies: Dress to Oppress 

The Great Fairies are holding a fashion competition and rating people’s outfits. Poorly judged outfits gives them the right to compensation combat. Defeat all your less than fashionable allies.

...

...yeah.

It seemed funny in my head, alright? cOme on, just imagine…

Revali, fully expecting to win: Well?

Great Fairies: Hm...I don’t know dear, all the colors are very clustered. Perhaps if you were taller—?

Revali: bWHAKT!? *other angry bird noises*

- - - 

Daruk: I brought my BEST out today! :D

Great Fairies: Is that a….chain?

Daruk: TWO chains, actually. :D

Great Fairies: Oh honey…

- - - 

Great Fairies: Ooo! Our little hero is about to come out! Wonder what he chose...a knight in shining armour? A handsome desert voe? Ooo!! And those Snowquill braids always made him look so cute…

Link: *comes out in the Tingle Outfit*

Great Fairies: …

Great Fairies: …………..hm…..

At the end of the side quest, after you beat everyone, the Great Fairy wins because of course they do. 

Great Fairies: Oh my! What an unexpected outcome...but it really couldn’t have gone any other way. I declare the judges the winner! I mean just look at me, I’m as dazzling as a jeweled desert flower, because I am! Ohohohoho…

This side quests unlocks the Tingle Outfit

Hestu: Forest Dance Festival

Alright this quest was already pretty perfect, BUT, I just want to use this opportunity to say that all of Hestu’s gambit attacks makes his allies and enemies do special dances. Absolutely abSURD that Hestu can only make the lesser smaller enemies dance on occasion, nonononono, my guy Hestu is making everyone dance. You can’t stop this. Nothing I say will ever top the imagination, so just take my word that this is a good thing. [Reluctant Revali doing the macarena against his will in sync with Hestu and they bash someone’s head in...ah the possibilities.] 

Maz Koshia: Links to the Past

Ok so before I get into this, a few things. This quest takes place well after the tower activations in Akkala. Age of Calamity leaves a whole lot of plots holes as to why a Monk is just...here, and what the point of the shrines are, and personally my first reaction to all this was just a five minute extended “huuhhhhhh???” 

So here is my headcanon, explanation, thing, canon to the world of the Kip Cut story. Ones all the Sheikah Towers were activated, that officially woke up all the Shrines, because we know that the Towers and Shrines are all connected to the same system. [See Great Plateau Tower activating all the Shrines and Towers, and Creating a Champion explanation on the system] But when all the monks were in their little altars and noticed how Link hadn’t dont a single one, they were like “what the fuck.” Monk Maz Koshia, who is kinda the head honcho of the monks and probably the only one powerful enough to go out in the world anyhow, sets out to see what the deal is, and after many a teleportation and telepathic communication, he figures out that Link is just running around with the Master Sword already. This kinda confuses him, because the whole point of the Shrines was to test Link and give him the spirit orbs so that he could grow strong enough to get the Master Sword, but he somehow already has it...so hmmmm something fishy is going on in this timeline. So Link technically hasn’t proven himself at all, Maz Koshia ambushes him, they do their little combat trial, Link passes, and Maz Koshia’s like “ok cool so you’re not useless.”

So now Monk Maz Koshia has cast aside his old monk duties of waiting around for a couple hundred years, in favour of just hanging out with Link and continuing to train him combat wise. Shrines are still explored by Zelda and co because they are important areas to establish teleportation pads, and whenever they’re there, Maz Koshia forces Link to get in a shrine to get a spirit orb, which is not only useful in general for health, but since Link already has the Master Sword, the other characters can get the spirit orb too. (So all those little heart upgrades that you see on the map, those are all just in the real Botw Shrine locations, rather than just scattered around randomly. Also I’m ignoring the stuff about talking to Hylia in order to exchange for stamina or heart containers because the game never talks about her, or stamina, and I’m not about to create an entirely new custom gameplay feature for this game, fuck you.)

I like to think that Maz Koshia is very selective about the Shrines he encourages people to try out. “Oh nonono, don’t bother with Qukah’s….lazy ass, only set up one little mountain that you have to blast through with lightning and that’s the entire puzzle! Disgraceful...Here, Kaam Ya’tak has set up a wonderful Trial of Power for you. I’m sure you’ll find the level design quite thrilling. They spent a lot of time on the critical thinking aspects so have fun!”

“I should warn you that this one was made by one of the millennials...yes, those youngins who were only initiated 1000 years of age. Honestly, they lack so much experience. Ms. Agana over here was experimenting with something called ‘motion controls?’ Pretty lazy if you ask me. Traditionally I would just stick to combat and block and switch stuff...but ah well, variety I suppose.”

Right, what was I talking about? Oh right! This is a sidequest. So Monk Maz Koshia doesn’t really have...a character??? Or a personality??? So I don’t really know what to do with him other than use him as an outlet for world building. Apologies to the Monk….fuckers? Stans? Feel free to leave me a comment about how I missed all the nuances of his character or something I’m all ears.

On an expedition to mark more Shrines and establish more teleports for the Kingdom, a large horde of monsters is spotted, seemingly with the intention to destroy these Ancient relics. Link and Maz Koshia use this opportunity to sharpen their combat skills. Protect the stronghold and defeat key enemies.

And then that quest would just kinda echo the stuff I said earlier about the world. (As Maz Koshia defends a Shrine, somewhere Qukah Nata is smugly shouting “Bet you wish ALL of them were protected with a giant mountain now, do ya?)

Also Link and Maz Koshia’s gambit attack involves the Master Cycle. I don’t have the specifics, but damn if I want some call backs to Botw while also having fun.

Impa: Steal Yourself [Yiga Clan Escape]

In an act of pure hatred and malice, the Yiga Clan has snuck into Kakariko Village in the dead of night…and stolen all the Swift Carrots! Impa sets out to get them back, as well as taking something else as a form of swift revenge...Escape before the time runs out.

Ok I can explain.

So you know how the Yiga and the Sheikah have kiiiiinda been murdering each other a bunch in Botw, going as far as to kill a deserter’s wife and threatening to murder his kids, and also people on both sides were sorta massacred for no reason? And alsoooo one of those people who literally lived during that time of the massacre is just kinda floating around now?  And you knooooooooww how the Yiga Clan just kinda joins Zelda’s side later on and we’re not supposed to think about the implications of that too hard because they’re the funny banana ninjas, haha? Yeah well neither Age of Calamity or I really have time to explore the moral grey areas of an alliance between two warring factions, one of which has a leader who doesn’t really seem to remember the reason why they hate Hyrule which brings into question whether the lackeys even know their clan’s history, and brings about the moral dilemma of criminalizing the ignorant, and also there’s the whole other dilemma of depicting the side that submitted to their oppression as being “in the right” and the topic of a race of people being pitted against their own by a higher power is really brushed over sO WE’RE JUST GONNA TOSS ALL THAT OUT THE WINDOW AND MAKE THEM ACT LIKE RIVALLING HIGH SCHOOLS, OKAY? OKAY! This is fine this is fine— 

So I have dubbed the High School mascot of the Sheikah, the Swift Carrot. And although there does seem to be some internal debate about whether the carrot should be replaced by the Fortified Pumpkin, the hero of Hyrule Link favours carrots so that’s that. Then of course, the mascot for the Yiga Clan is the Mighty Banana. The two sides hate each other and steal their food symbols to be petty. I’ll be covering the side quests of Kohga and the other later characters in another later post, but just know that Kohga will have his banana heist sidequest too. 

So anyhow, you play as Impa. Maybe she can say a piece of dialogue or two about how she has to uphold the image of her people as she has to lead them one day. And then, this side quest is just her retrieving the carrots and running off with the Yiga’s big banana supply before she’s caught. This is based on that “Escape the Yiga Clan” quest if you couldn’t tell.

Custom gambit defeat of Impa vs Kohga: On one hand I think it would be badass to see Impa’s Sheikah skills go up against the Yiga Clan tactics. Kohga summons a giant metal ball to throw, Impa teleports behind him “nothing personal, kid” nO fuck I’m doing it again away goes to swing a blade at his face. He blocks it with his little energy shield thing, but not before an entire conga line of Impa clones start slashing at him until he’s defeated by a giant explosion. So yeah, that’d be badass and cool. But on the other hand…

Kohga, stomping his feet and having a fit: I cARROT believe you would do something this terrible! Give us back those bananas right now! D: ….please? You can keep the gross orange sticks.

Sooga: He asked nicely. You wouldn’t deny the wishes of the most polite and charming Yiga Chief there is, would you?

Impa: No can do, Yiga scum! I’m afraid this cruel action wasn’t veggie nice of you so I must exact justice! Now it’s my time to split. *Impa clones gather and throw Kohga into a giant frog’s mouth. Impa runs off with a sack of fruit [fruit (derogatory) if you will] cackling into the horizon*

Zelda: The Path She Laid For You

The King has order Zelda to head to the Temple of Time, in order to see if anything there could help awaken her powers. Zelda sets off quietly, with minimal company, as not to attract too much attention lest the Town’s folk be hit with another attack. It seems, however, that these precautions won’t be enough...Defeat key enemies

So this is a pure Zelda sidequest, with no other characters except for eggbot because I said so. Starts out normal when SURPRISE! Bunch of monsters appear and Zelda has to whip out her iphone and fight them. 

Also!! Good time for the Hollows to show up, and you know, tell her what a failure she is and all that. Convince her that she's useless and gonna doom everyone. All that good stuff!! It’s just nice to catch up with the villains and see how they’re doing, you know? ‘Sup Hollow Urbosa, last I saw you were barely spitting words in the Lost Woods, and now you’re giving full hard-hitting insults to Zelda’s character and ability? Good for you, Queen, good for you.

So Zelda and a handful of guards are fighting off monsters, and Zelda has to beat the Hollows too. Her gambit dialogue when she defeats Hollows can be stuff like “You’re not the real ___” or something idk, I don’t have a lot of experience with the evil clone trope, I’ve never played Ocarina of Time. But one specific I DO want to highlight is that Zelda uses the nearby Sheikah Tech to defeat the enemies. I find it a bit weird how Zelda just knows how to use those random water canons in the Faron region in later chapters, so we’re just gonna at least set up a pattern so that it makes a bit more sense later. Plus! This is in front of the Great Plateau, AKA Gate Post Town/Garrisons AKA oh lOOK it’s that area where Link and Impa and eggbot first meet in that Impa introduction scene of my rewrite so we have already established that Sheikah Technology is being stored here and ready to use! Continuity in world building! Nice.

So Zelda uses her knowledge of Sheikah Tech to defeat the Hollows, when...dun dun dun! Astor appears. But you don’t fight him...

Astor: Have you listened to one word spoken to you today? Why are you still resisting? Let me help you.

Zelda: And what exactly is your plan? You wish to kill me, then?

Astor: Not quite. I mean, if you do die, there are ways I can manage, so if some stray Yiga blade happens to strike you I’m not completely doomed.

Astor: But no, the most optimal outcome for everyone is the one where you live yet. You must see the truth as I do, and let me fix this. I can undo this terrible knot destiny has thread for you. [and insert other fate sisters and sewing metaphors here]

Zelda: But how? What’s your game here, if you’re truly claiming to be in everyone’s best interest then why all this secrecy?

Astor: Ah...ever the one to look for the facts and logic, hmm? Can’t blame you, you get it straight from your mother.

Zelda: …!

Astor: But...I’m afraid even if I did tell you now, you’re in no state to truly grasp it. No...the only way this works is for you to truly understand the position you're in, and the stakes that hang in the path before you. 

Astor: And if I have to kill every King, Champion, or knight to get you to understand…

Astor: Then so be it. 

[dun dun dun]

Zelda: No! I won’t let you hurt anyone, I swear it!

Eggbot [just pretend eggbot can have dialogue boxes too]: *chirps* 

Astor, suddenly noticing eggbot: ...You…you’re one thing I still don’t—

Eggbot chirps again beside Zelda, both seeming to be angry at Astor’s words. Eggbot releases a glowing flash of light. Kinda like a...flash bang? [is that the right word idk]

Astor: Ah—! *and he teleports away to escape* Astor: Until next time then...Princess

And that’s pretty much the sidequest. Zelda can question what exactly eggbot did, but he’s not exactly the most verbal in responses. Finally it ends with Zelda going home, “He was still right though...I’m still sitting in failure, with not a hint of my powers awakening. All I have is some Sheikah tech, some exhausted shoulders….and well, you, I suppose, little one.”

“Come, it’d be a waste to continue forth in this condition. Let’s go back to the castle.”

Eggbot: *happy whistles and chirps*

= = = = = 

Tune in next time folks, as we dive back into the main event! Needless to say, Chapter 4 is where the shit starts to go down...

[themoneybuff-blog]

An index to every money book I've reviewed during the past twelve years

147 Shares I read a lot of money books. As a result, a large section of my large library is devoted to books about personal finance. (And if I hadn't purged hundreds of money books when I sold this site in 2009, I'd have even more books and no place to put them.) Last week, a GRS reader named Lindsay dropped a line with an interesting question: I'm really enjoying your work back at GRS, the email newsletter, and your most recent FB live video! I'm wondering: Do you have a list of all the money books you've reviewed? I've been poking around to try and find one)? As it happens, I've been wanting a list of reviews myself. I know I have a million billion different projects around here, but one that I'd like to pursue is a free nicely-formatted PDF download that compiles every review I've written. To answer Lindsay's question and to satisfy my own curiosity I sifted through the GRS archives yesterday to compile a list of every money book I've reviewed during my 12+ years at this site. In this post, I've linked to those reviews, plus I've included a short summary of each book. Note: I'm certain that about half of the reviews are missing from the archives. The folks who purchased this site from me unpublished hundreds of articles (including many book reviews, apparently) during the time they owned GRS. Those reviews still exist, and I'll eventually find them and list them here, but it's far too cumbersome to find them at the moment.

For each book below, I've included a link to Amazon. I've also assigned each a book a letter grade and, in some cases, a star . My letter grades might seem harsh. That's because I've tried to really think about these on a sort of curve, where the vast majority of books are average and only a few merit As or Fs. As a result, some important titles get average (or low) grades despite their contribution to the field. If I grade a book an A, I think it's excellent. It offers excellent advice with no real flaws.If I give a book a B, it's a good book with good advice, but something about it holds it back. Maybe it's poorly written or maybe it's off-base on a topic or two.If I give a grade of C, the book is average. That means it gives reasonable money advice in a typical way. There's nothing drastically wrong with the book, and it's worth reading.If I give a D grade, the book is flawed in some major way. It still has some value to it maybe a core concept that you can't find elsewhere but I'm hesitant to recommend this to average folks.If I give a book and F, I don't think it has any sort of value. I don't give many Fs because I think nearly every book has some nugget of wisdom in it. Note that all of my letter grades were assigned today. They're based on who I am and what I know now, not when I wrote the reviews. And they're based on how valuable the book's info will be to a modern reader. (Some money books that were awesome in 1978 haven't aged well because their advice is specific to that era.) When I've marked a book with a star , that indicates I believe regardless of my grade, the title should be considered part of a core personal-finance library. (I don't have a review of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover here. If I did, it'd get a C or lower because the book's quality is mixed and it has certain drawbacks. But the book would also merit a star because it should be in any serious library of money books.) Ultimately, though, you shouldn't let the letter grades and stars guide your decision to read a book. Use my reviews instead. They're much more nuanced than an arbitrary grade. The grades are meant as a sort of quick reference. Finally, I've sorted the titles into roughly reverse-chronological order based on year of publication. I think most readers are interested in recent titles. (Because of my hiatus from money-blogging, there's a gap here between 2010 and 2016.) If, like me, you prefer older money books, you'll find them closer to the end of this list. That's enough explanation. Here then is a list of (nearly) all of the book reviews from the archives here at Get Rich Slowly!

Get Money by Kristin Wong (2018)Get Money is all about applying game-playing principles to money management. Most money books tend toward boring and stale. Not this one. Get Money is both funny and wise, packed with practical tips for how to play the game of money and win. It's a useful money manual from a favorite former GRS staff writer. [my review] BThinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke (2018)For a long time, Ive argued that the best money books are often not about money at all. Thinking in Bets is an example of this. Duke says that there are exactly two things that determine how our lives turn out: The quality of our decisions and luck. She uses plenty of personal finance examples, but the book itself is about self-improvement. Its not specifically about personal finance, yet the info here could have a profound impact on your financial future. [my review] A-Meet the Frugalwoods: Achieving Financial Independence through Simple Living by Elizabeth Willard Thames (2018)Meet the Frugalwoods isnt a money manual. It isnt fiction. Its memoir. The book covers ten years in the lives of Liz and her husband Nate, from their post-college job-hunting experiences in Kansas to purchasing a 66-acre homestead in Vermont. Through their story, Liz shows readers its possible to move from a life of consumerism to a life built around frugality and purpose. My chief complaint? The Frugalwoods didn't achieve financial independence through frugality; they achieved it through a high income. [my review] CYou Need a Budget by Jesse Mecham (2017)You Need a Budget is a simple book, but its excellent. It doesnt try to throw the entire world of personal finance at you. Its laser-focused on one thing: building a better budget. Because Mecham has been reading and writing about budgets since 2004, hes learned a lot about what works and what doesnt. Hes constantly receiving feedback from the tens of thousands of people who follow his program. This book is a culmination of that experience, and it shows. If you need a budget, I highly recommend this book. [my review] A The Simple Path to Wealth by J.L. Collins (2016)The Simple Path to Wealth presents the advice from the author's blog in a coherent, unified package. Its an easy-to-understand primer on stock-market investing and financial independence. Although the book is intended to offer wide-ranging advice about the journey to financial freedom, I think its at its best when Collins covers retirement investing. [my review] B+ Early Retirement Extreme by Jacob Lund Fisker (2010)Imagine a personal-finance book written by a theoretical physicist. What would it be like? Full of formulas and figures, right? Well, thats what you get with Early Retirement Extreme. This feels like a book written by an engineer for other engineers. This isnt a bad thing, but it is unique. Some people will love it; others will hate it. Also, this book could use a professional editor. These caveats aside, ERE is packed with excellent information, and is one of the key books in the Financial Independence movement. [my review] B The Simple Dollar by Trent Hamm (2010)This book isnt really about personal finance. Theres personal finance in it, sure, but like Hamms blog, The Simple Dollar is about personal and professional transformation. This is a book about change. The information in the book is good, and its sure to be useful to many people, but the content is so jumbled that its difficult to see the Big Picture. [my review] C-Mind Over Money by Ted and Brad Klontz (2009)Mind Over Money wont teach you how to budget and it doesnt ever mention index funds. This isnt a book about the nuts-and-bolts of personal finance. Its a book about how we relate to money. The strength of the book isnt in the answers it provides, but in the questions it provokes. If you're looking for a book about the psychology of personal finance, this is worth reading. [my review] CEscape from Cubicle Nation by Pam Slim (2009)Escape from Cubicle Nation starts at the beginning of the entrepreneurial journey: deciding what to do with your life. Slim spends several chapters discussing how to get in touch with whats important to you. At times, this almost seems touchy-feely. Almost. Thankfully, the book packs in ton of practical info on how to start a successful small business that matches you and your lifestyle. [my review] B+The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (2009)On paper, The Happiness Project may seem sort of lame. Rubin decided to spend one year consciously pursuing happiness. Each month, she tackled one specific aspect of life marriage, work, attitude, and so on and during that month, she attempted to meet a handful of related resolutions she hoped would make her happier. Fortunately, the book isnt lame. Rubins style is warm and engaging, and the material here is useful. [my review] BI Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi (2009)This book is great, but its not for everyone. First of all, its targeted almost exclusively at young adults. If youre under 25 and single, and if you make a decent living, this book is perfect. But if youre 45 and married with two children, and if you struggle to make ends meet, this book is less useful. That said, it's packed with solid advice, cites its sources, and provides scores of tactical tips for managing money. [my review] A- Spend Til the End by Scott Burns and Larry Kotlikoff (2008)Burns and Kotlikoff analyze dozens of hypothetical scenarios as they seek to discover which choices provide the greatest lifetime living standard per adult. Their aim is to find a way to balance today and tomorrow, to pursue what's known as consumption smoothing. Much of the books advice is geared toward those nearing retirement, but theres still plenty for readers of every age. [my review] C+Increase Your Financial IQ by Robert Kiyosaki (2008)The problem with the standard financial advice is that its bad advice. Youve been told to work hard, save money, get out of debt, live below your means, and invest in a well-diversified portfolio of mutual funds. But this advice is obsolete so argues Robert Kiyosaki in Increase Your Financial IQ. I'll be blunt: Kiyosaki is full of shit. I worry about his financial IQ. [my review] D-

The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss (2007)When I picked up The 4-Hour Workweek, I was worried it was some sort of get rich quick book. Ferriss makes a lot of bold promises, and some of the details along the way read like the confessions of an internet scammer. Ultimately, though, I found tons of value that I could apply to my own entrepreneurial ventures. In fact, this has become one of my most-bookmarked books of all time! An intelligent reader can easily extract a wealth of useful here, which is why it's become a modern classic. [my review] B- The Quiet Millionaire by Brett Wilder (2007)The Quiet Millionaire is different from most of the other money books I review. Though Wilder includes behavioral finance and life planning concepts, this is a numbers book. It's like a textbook for personal finance. It isnt really a book for beginners. Its targeted at folks who are out of debt and building wealth. I suspect many people will find this book boring. But then, smart personal finance is boring. [my review] BDebt Is Slavery by Michael Mihalik (2007)Debt is Slavery is a deceptively simple book. Its short. Its advice seems basic. And its self-published, so how good can it be? Well, I think its great. In fact, I found myself wishing that I had written it. Mihaliks advice is spot-on, and he covers a lot of topics that other authors shy away from, such as the effects of advertising, the weight of possessions, and the soul-sucking misery that comes from a bad job. This book may be short, but its sweet. Especially great for recent graduates, I think. [my review] B+Overcoming Underearning by Barbara Stanny (2007)Overcoming Underearning isn't what I expected it to be. When I read the title, I expected a book about how to stretch your dollars and how get more from what you do earn. This book is about asking for more, creating more, and working your way through the psychological pitfalls that lead to being satisfied with less in the first place. But the book contains few actionable steps that will help you make more money or invest well. If you need a how-to book, keep looking. If you need to get started, or are started, but have hit a wall and you dont know why, this might be the book for you. [my review] C-The Secret by Rhonda Byrne (2006)The Secret is all about the so-called Law of Attraction, which is not actually a law of anything. The Law of Attraction states that your life is a result of the things you think about. From a psychological perspective, this notion has some merit. But this book offers no evidence of any kind: no scientific discussion, no experimentation only scattered cherry-picked anecdotes. Its the worst kind of pseudo-scientific baloney. And its money advice is actively harmful rather than helpful. [my review] FThe Millionaire Maker by Loral Langmeier (2006)The Millionaire Maker attempts to codify Langemeiers proprietary Wealth Cycle Process. She believes there are better places to put your money than in mutual funds. This book is a mixed bag. While it preaches what ought to be preached, and Langemeier provides more specifics than some authors, her message sounds hollow. There is some good information here, but theres stuff that raises red flags, too. [my review] D+Work Less, Live More: The Way to Semi-Retirement by Bob Clyatt (2005)For years, Work Less, Live More has been my go-to book for info about early retirement. I give away copies several times a year. I recommend it when replying to email. I refer to it myself when I have questions. I like this book because it strikes a balance between the high-level Big Picture stuff and the low-level nitty-gritty numbers crunching. (See also: Bob Clyatt's guest post here at GRS about his life since writing the book.) [my review] A All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Tyagi (2005)This book was written by the mother-daughter team of Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. (Warren is now a U.S. Senator from Massachusetts!) The authors dont get bogged down in the details of frugality and investing. Theyre more interested in changing behavior, in fixing the big stuff. They offer a framework around which the reader can build lasting financial success. The book's advice is solid, if sometimes flawed. To me, its lasting legacy is the introduction of the Balanced Money Formula (which some now call the 50-30-20 budget), a concept I promote extensively in my public speaking gigs. [my review] B- Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth by T. Harv Eker (2005)Many people would dismiss Secrets of the Millionaire Mind as useless. Theres not a lot of concrete information here about how to improve the details of your financial life. (Though the scant advice presented is sound). Instead, this book encourages readers to adopt mental attitudes that facilitate wealth. Its about changing your psychological approach to money, success, and happiness. (This book is the source of my money blueprint concept.) [my review] CMoney Without Matrimony: The Unmarried Couple's Guide to Financial Security by Sheryl Garrett and Debra Neiman (2005)As difficult as marriage and money can be, things are even tougher for unmarried couples, both gay and straight. Its difficult for these folks to get good advice in a society thats geared toward married couples. Money Without Matrimony is a great book with sound suggestions. Its non-judgmental, practical, and packed with advice. If youre in a committed unmarried relationship, I highly recommend you track down a copy. [my review] AThe Automatic Millionaire by David Bach (2005)David Bach is perhaps best known for coining the term the latte factor, a phrase that has almost become a joke in personal finance circles. Thats too bad, really, because Bach has some good ideas. And the latte factor is a marvelous concept, applicable to many people who casually spend their future a few dollars at a time. This book encourages readers to eliminate debt, to live frugally, and to pay themselves first. But the core of his book is unique: rather than develop will power and self-discipline, Bach says, why not bypass the human element altogether? Why not make your path to wealth automatic? [my review] C Luck Is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career by John D. Krumboltz and Al S. Levin (2004)Luck Is No Accident is a short book. Nothing in it is groundbreaking or revolutionary. Yet its common-sense wisdom is a powerful motivator. Whenever I read it, I cannot help but come away inspired, ready to make more of my situation, and to try new things. If youre the sort of person who wonders why good things only happen to other people, I encourage you to read it. [my review] B+The Random Walk Guide to Investing: Ten Rules for Financial Success by Burton Malkiel (2003)Malkiels advice can be stated in a few short sentences: Eliminate debt. Establish an emergency fund. Begin making regular investments to a diversified portfolio of index funds. Be patient. But the simplicity of his message does not detract from its value. If you want to invest but dont know where to start, pick up a copy of this book. [my review] A-

The Bountiful Container by Rose Marie Nichols McGee and Maggie Stuckey (2002)The Bountiful Container beats most gardening books hands-down in several key areas. It focuses on growing plants that give a beginning gardener the most bang for the buck, plants that are both edible and decorative and can be grown with limited space. It is splendidly organized and easy to read, and has a great index, too. And the level of detail is just right for almost any skill level, and the writing is pleasant to read and easy to understand. [my ex-wife's review] B+The Four Pillars of Investing by William Bernstein (2002)In this book, Bernstein describes how to build a winning investment portfolio. He doesnt focus on the details he tries to explain fundamental concepts so that readers will be able to make smart investment decisions on their own. The Four Pillars of Investing is challenging in places, but it provides an excellent introduction to the theory, history, psychology, and business of investing. If youre able to finish, youll have a better grasp of investing than 99% of your peers. [my review] B Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping by Paco Underhill (2000)In this book, Paco Underhill an environmental psychologist describes what he learned through years of research into consumer behavior and retail marketing. Like it or not, youre manipulated all of the time while youre shopping, and in ways you dont even suspect. But by taking Underhills lessons for marketers and flipping them around, you can make yourself immune to marketers manipulations. (Well, maybe not immune, but less likely to succumb to their ploys, anyhow.) [my review] BWhy Smart People Make Big Money Mistakes (and How to Fix Them) by Gary Belsky and Thomas Gilovich (1999)In this short book, Belsky and Gilovich catalog a menagerie of mental mistakes that cause people to spend more than they should. What might have been a boring topic becomes fascinating thanks to an engaging style and plenty of anecdotes and examples. This book covers a couple dozen psychological barriers to wealth. [my review] B+ The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley and William Danko (1998)The Millionaire Next Door has earned its place in the canon of personal-finance literature. It's built on years of research, on a body of statistics and case studies. It doesnt make hollow promises. That said, the book is a flawed classic. It offers a fascinating portrait of the wealthy, but it buries this beneath mountains of detritus. The book is poorly organized, repetitive, and dull. (The section on car-buying seems to go on forever.) A patient reader will be rewarded with a glimpse at what it takes to become a millionaire, but I cant help but feel this book could have been something more. Warning: Avoid the audiobook, which suffers even more in the tedious sections. [my review] C+ Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence by James Stowers (1992)Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence is informative without being dense. Its accessible without being condescending. Its advice is solid. The book is filled with investment advice, but it gives equal time to thrift and savings. Best of all, it asks as many questions as it provides answers. It prompts the reader to think, to evaluate his priorities. Its message is that yes, you can achieve Financial Independence, but you cant get there overnight, and you cant get there without setting goals and making sacrifices. [my review] A-How to Retire Young by Edward M. Tauber (1989)How to Retire Young is one of the oldest books Ive found on the subject of early retirement. Taubers premise is that many people can retire early if they plan and remain dedicated to the plan. I wish I could say that this is a great book. Sadly, its not. Its good (dont get me wrong), but it suffers from being first. [my review] C-Cashing In on the American Dream: How to Retire at 35 by Paul Terhorst (1988)Cashing In on the American Dream is a seminal early retirement book and its advice was spot-on for 1988. But that strength is now its weakness. Some of the advice is thirty years out of date. If you dont need specific advice but are instead interested about theory (and story), then seek out this title. (The last half of the book is filled with stories from folks who made early retirement happen.) [my review] BHow to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis (1988)How to Get Out of Debt is built on the principles of Debtors Anonymous, a twelve-step program founded in 1971 to help those who struggle with compulsive debt. Mundis was himself a debtor, and he based this book on his own experience. This isnt purely theoretical information from the mind of some Wall Street finance whiz who has never struggled; this book contains real tips and real stories from real people. [my review] A- You Can Negotiate Anything by Herb Cohen (1980)Whether you like it or not, your life is filled with negotiations. You negotiate your salary, for the price of a car, for the cost of a couch. You negotiate with your wife about where to spend your summer vacation, with your husband about what color to paint the babys bedroom, with your daughter about what time she should be home from the football game. Of all the books Ive recommended at Get Rich Slowly over the years, You Can Negotiate Anything is one of the best. [my review] A How to Get Rich and Stay Rich by Fred J. Young (1979)This book is built around a single principle: Spend less than you earn and invest the difference in something that you think will increase in value and make you rich. It reads like homespun advice from your favorite uncle. While theres plenty of good advice in these pages and lots of amusing anecdotes, theres very little polish. [my review] CThe Incredible Secret Money Machine by Don Lancaster (1978)Though the title smacks of get-rich-quick schemes, The Incredible Secret Money Machine is really about starting and running a small business. To Lancaster, a money machine is any venture that generates nickels. Nickels are small streams of revenue from individual customers. If your goal is simply to earn a comfortable income for yourself by doing something you love, then this book can help you explore the idea of business ownership. Its not going to help you launch the next Google or Microsoft, though. Lancaster is all about nickels, not about dollars. [my review] C+Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression by Studs Terkel (1970)In 1970, writer Studs Terkel published Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression, which features excerpts from over 100 interviews he conducted with those who lived through the 1930s. Terkel spoke with all sorts of people: old and young, rich and poor, famous and not-so-famous, liberal and conservative. The book is fascinating. Its one thing to read about the Great Depression in textbooks, or to hear it used as leverage in political speeches, but its another thing entirely to read the experiences of the people who lived through it. [my review] A-

That's it! If you find any reviews I missed, let me know so that I can add them to this index. I consider this a living article. I plan to add to it with time. As I re-publish old reviews that are currently unpublished, I'll add them here. And as I write new reviews in the future, those will get added to the list too. Know of a money book that I should read and review? Drop a line to let me know! 147 Shares https://www.getrichslowly.org/money-books-index/

[themoneybuff-blog]

An index to every money book I've reviewed during the past twelve years

Shares 139 I read a lot of money books. As a result, a large section of my large library is devoted to books about personal finance. (And if I hadn't purged hundreds of money books when I sold this site in 2009, I'd have even more books and no place to put them.) Last week, a GRS reader named Lindsay dropped a line with an interesting question: I'm really enjoying your work back at GRS, the email newsletter, and your most recent FB live video! I'm wondering: Do you have a list of all the money books you've reviewed? I've been poking around to try and find one)? As it happens, I've been wanting a list of reviews myself. I know I have a million billion different projects around here, but one that I'd like to pursue is a free nicely-formatted PDF download that compiles every review I've written. To answer Lindsay's question and to satisfy my own curiosity I sifted through the GRS archives yesterday to compile a list of every money book I've reviewed during my 12+ years at this site. In this post, I've linked to those reviews, plus I've included a short summary of each book. Note: I'm certain that about half of the reviews are missing from the archives. The folks who purchased this site from me unpublished hundreds of articles (including many book reviews, apparently) during the time they owned GRS. Those reviews still exist, and I'll eventually find them and list them here, but it's far too cumbersome to find them at the moment. For each book below, I've included a link to Amazon. I've also assigned each a book a letter grade and, in some cases, a star . My letter grades might seem harsh. That's because I've tried to really think about these on a sort of curve, where the vast majority of books are average and only a few merit As or Fs. As a result, some important titles get average (or low) grades despite their contribution to the field. If I grade a book an A, I think it's excellent. It offers excellent advice with no real flaws.If I give a book a B, it's a good book with good advice, but something about it holds it back. Maybe it's poorly written or maybe it's off-base on a topic or two.If I give a grade of C, the book is average. That means it gives reasonable money advice in a typical way. There's nothing drastically wrong with the book, and it's worth reading.If I give a D grade, the book is flawed in some major way. It still has some value to it maybe a core concept that you can't find elsewhere but I'm hesitant to recommend this to average folks.If I give a book and F, I don't think it has any sort of value. I don't give many Fs because I think nearly every book has some nugget of wisdom in it. Note that all of my letter grades were assigned today. They're based on who I am and what I know now, not when I wrote the reviews. And they're based on how valuable the book's info will be to a modern reader. (Some money books that were awesome in 1978 haven't aged well because their advice is specific to that era.) When I've marked a book with a star , that indicates I believe regardless of my grade, the title should be considered part of a core personal-finance library. (I don't have a review of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover here. If I did, it'd get a C or lower because the book's quality is mixed and it has certain drawbacks. But the book would also merit a star because it should be in any serious library of money books.) Ultimately, though, you shouldn't let the letter grades and stars guide your decision to read a book. Use my reviews instead. They're much more nuanced than an arbitrary grade. The grades are meant as a sort of quick reference. Finally, I've sorted the titles into roughly reverse-chronological order based on year of publication. I think most readers are interested in recent titles. (Because of my hiatus from money-blogging, there's a gap here between 2010 and 2016.) If, like me, you prefer older money books, you'll find them closer to the end of this list. That's enough explanation. Here then is a list of (nearly) all of the book reviews from the archives here at Get Rich Slowly! Get Money by Kristin Wong (2018)Get Money is all about applying game-playing principles to money management. Most money books tend toward boring and stale. Not this one. Get Money is both funny and wise, packed with practical tips for how to play the game of money and win. It's a useful money manual from a favorite former GRS staff writer. [my review] BThinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke (2018)For a long time, Ive argued that the best money books are often not about money at all. Thinking in Bets is an example of this. Duke says that there are exactly two things that determine how our lives turn out: The quality of our decisions and luck. She uses plenty of personal finance examples, but the book itself is about self-improvement. Its not specifically about personal finance, yet the info here could have a profound impact on your financial future. [my review] A-Meet the Frugalwoods: Achieving Financial Independence through Simple Living by Elizabeth Willard Thames (2018)Meet the Frugalwoods isnt a money manual. It isnt fiction. Its memoir. The book covers ten years in the lives of Liz and her husband Nate, from their post-college job-hunting experiences in Kansas to purchasing a 66-acre homestead in Vermont. Through their story, Liz shows readers its possible to move from a life of consumerism to a life built around frugality and purpose. My chief complaint? The Frugalwoods didn't achieve financial independence through frugality; they achieved it through a high income. [my review] CYou Need a Budget by Jesse Mecham (2017)You Need a Budget is a simple book, but its excellent. It doesnt try to throw the entire world of personal finance at you. Its laser-focused on one thing: building a better budget. Because Mecham has been reading and writing about budgets since 2004, hes learned a lot about what works and what doesnt. Hes constantly receiving feedback from the tens of thousands of people who follow his program. This book is a culmination of that experience, and it shows. If you need a budget, I highly recommend this book. [my review] A The Simple Path to Wealth by J.L. Collins (2016)The Simple Path to Wealth presents the advice from the author's blog in a coherent, unified package. Its an easy-to-understand primer on stock-market investing and financial independence. Although the book is intended to offer wide-ranging advice about the journey to financial freedom, I think its at its best when Collins covers retirement investing. [my review] B+ Early Retirement Extreme by Jacob Lund Fisker (2010)Imagine a personal-finance book written by a theoretical physicist. What would it be like? Full of formulas and figures, right? Well, thats what you get with Early Retirement Extreme. This feels like a book written by an engineer for other engineers. This isnt a bad thing, but it is unique. Some people will love it; others will hate it. Also, this book could use a professional editor. These caveats aside, ERE is packed with excellent information, and is one of the key books in the Financial Independence movement. [my review] B The Simple Dollar by Trent Hamm (2010)This book isnt really about personal finance. Theres personal finance in it, sure, but like Hamms blog, The Simple Dollar is about personal and professional transformation. This is a book about change. The information in the book is good, and its sure to be useful to many people, but the content is so jumbled that its difficult to see the Big Picture. [my review] C-Mind Over Money by Ted and Brad Klontz (2009)Mind Over Money wont teach you how to budget and it doesnt ever mention index funds. This isnt a book about the nuts-and-bolts of personal finance. Its a book about how we relate to money. The strength of the book isnt in the answers it provides, but in the questions it provokes. If you're looking for a book about the psychology of personal finance, this is worth reading. [my review] CEscape from Cubicle Nation by Pam Slim (2009)Escape from Cubicle Nation starts at the beginning of the entrepreneurial journey: deciding what to do with your life. Slim spends several chapters discussing how to get in touch with whats important to you. At times, this almost seems touchy-feely. Almost. Thankfully, the book packs in ton of practical info on how to start a successful small business that matches you and your lifestyle. [my review] B+The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (2009)On paper, The Happiness Project may seem sort of lame. Rubin decided to spend one year consciously pursuing happiness. Each month, she tackled one specific aspect of life marriage, work, attitude, and so on and during that month, she attempted to meet a handful of related resolutions she hoped would make her happier. Fortunately, the book isnt lame. Rubins style is warm and engaging, and the material here is useful. [my review] BI Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi (2009)This book is great, but its not for everyone. First of all, its targeted almost exclusively at young adults. If youre under 25 and single, and if you make a decent living, this book is perfect. But if youre 45 and married with two children, and if you struggle to make ends meet, this book is less useful. That said, it's packed with solid advice, cites its sources, and provides scores of tactical tips for managing money. [my review] A- Spend Til the End by Scott Burns and Larry Kotlikoff (2008)Burns and Kotlikoff analyze dozens of hypothetical scenarios as they seek to discover which choices provide the greatest lifetime living standard per adult. Their aim is to find a way to balance today and tomorrow, to pursue what's known as consumption smoothing. Much of the books advice is geared toward those nearing retirement, but theres still plenty for readers of every age. [my review] C+Increase Your Financial IQ by Robert Kiyosaki (2008)The problem with the standard financial advice is that its bad advice. Youve been told to work hard, save money, get out of debt, live below your means, and invest in a well-diversified portfolio of mutual funds. But this advice is obsolete so argues Robert Kiyosaki in Increase Your Financial IQ. I'll be blunt: Kiyosaki is full of shit. I worry about his financial IQ. [my review] D- The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss (2007)When I picked up The 4-Hour Workweek, I was worried it was some sort of get rich quick book. Ferriss makes a lot of bold promises, and some of the details along the way read like the confessions of an internet scammer. Ultimately, though, I found tons of value that I could apply to my own entrepreneurial ventures. In fact, this has become one of my most-bookmarked books of all time! An intelligent reader can easily extract a wealth of useful here, which is why it's become a modern classic. [my review] B- The Quiet Millionaire by Brett Wilder (2007)The Quiet Millionaire is different from most of the other money books I review. Though Wilder includes behavioral finance and life planning concepts, this is a numbers book. It's like a textbook for personal finance. It isnt really a book for beginners. Its targeted at folks who are out of debt and building wealth. I suspect many people will find this book boring. But then, smart personal finance is boring. [my review] BDebt Is Slavery by Michael Mihalik (2007)Debt is Slavery is a deceptively simple book. Its short. Its advice seems basic. And its self-published, so how good can it be? Well, I think its great. In fact, I found myself wishing that I had written it. Mihaliks advice is spot-on, and he covers a lot of topics that other authors shy away from, such as the effects of advertising, the weight of possessions, and the soul-sucking misery that comes from a bad job. This book may be short, but its sweet. Especially great for recent graduates, I think. [my review] B+Overcoming Underearning by Barbara Stanny (2007)Overcoming Underearning isn't what I expected it to be. When I read the title, I expected a book about how to stretch your dollars and how get more from what you do earn. This book is about asking for more, creating more, and working your way through the psychological pitfalls that lead to being satisfied with less in the first place. But the book contains few actionable steps that will help you make more money or invest well. If you need a how-to book, keep looking. If you need to get started, or are started, but have hit a wall and you dont know why, this might be the book for you. [my review] C-The Secret by Rhonda Byrne (2006)The Secret is all about the so-called Law of Attraction, which is not actually a law of anything. The Law of Attraction states that your life is a result of the things you think about. From a psychological perspective, this notion has some merit. But this book offers no evidence of any kind: no scientific discussion, no experimentation only scattered cherry-picked anecdotes. Its the worst kind of pseudo-scientific baloney. And its money advice is actively harmful rather than helpful. [my review] FThe Millionaire Maker by Loral Langmeier (2006)The Millionaire Maker attempts to codify Langemeiers proprietary Wealth Cycle Process. She believes there are better places to put your money than in mutual funds. This book is a mixed bag. While it preaches what ought to be preached, and Langemeier provides more specifics than some authors, her message sounds hollow. There is some good information here, but theres stuff that raises red flags, too. [my review] D+Work Less, Live More: The Way to Semi-Retirement by Bob Clyatt (2005)For years, Work Less, Live More has been my go-to book for info about early retirement. I give away copies several times a year. I recommend it when replying to email. I refer to it myself when I have questions. I like this book because it strikes a balance between the high-level Big Picture stuff and the low-level nitty-gritty numbers crunching. (See also: Bob Clyatt's guest post here at GRS about his life since writing the book.) [my review] A All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Tyagi (2005)This book was written by the mother-daughter team of Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. (Warren is now a U.S. Senator from Massachusetts!) The authors dont get bogged down in the details of frugality and investing. Theyre more interested in changing behavior, in fixing the big stuff. They offer a framework around which the reader can build lasting financial success. The book's advice is solid, if sometimes flawed. To me, its lasting legacy is the introduction of the Balanced Money Formula (which some now call the 50-30-20 budget), a concept I promote extensively in my public speaking gigs. [my review] B- Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth by T. Harv Eker (2005)Many people would dismiss Secrets of the Millionaire Mind as useless. Theres not a lot of concrete information here about how to improve the details of your financial life. (Though the scant advice presented is sound). Instead, this book encourages readers to adopt mental attitudes that facilitate wealth. Its about changing your psychological approach to money, success, and happiness. (This book is the source of my money blueprint concept.) [my review] CMoney Without Matrimony: The Unmarried Couple's Guide to Financial Security by Sheryl Garrett and Debra Neiman (2005)As difficult as marriage and money can be, things are even tougher for unmarried couples, both gay and straight. Its difficult for these folks to get good advice in a society thats geared toward married couples. Money Without Matrimony is a great book with sound suggestions. Its non-judgmental, practical, and packed with advice. If youre in a committed unmarried relationship, I highly recommend you track down a copy. [my review] AThe Automatic Millionaire by David Bach (2005)David Bach is perhaps best known for coining the term the latte factor, a phrase that has almost become a joke in personal finance circles. Thats too bad, really, because Bach has some good ideas. And the latte factor is a marvelous concept, applicable to many people who casually spend their future a few dollars at a time. This book encourages readers to eliminate debt, to live frugally, and to pay themselves first. But the core of his book is unique: rather than develop will power and self-discipline, Bach says, why not bypass the human element altogether? Why not make your path to wealth automatic? [my review] C Luck Is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career by John D. Krumboltz and Al S. Levin (2004)Luck Is No Accident is a short book. Nothing in it is groundbreaking or revolutionary. Yet its common-sense wisdom is a powerful motivator. Whenever I read it, I cannot help but come away inspired, ready to make more of my situation, and to try new things. If youre the sort of person who wonders why good things only happen to other people, I encourage you to read it. [my review] B+The Random Walk Guide to Investing: Ten Rules for Financial Success by Burton Malkiel (2003)Malkiels advice can be stated in a few short sentences: Eliminate debt. Establish an emergency fund. Begin making regular investments to a diversified portfolio of index funds. Be patient. But the simplicity of his message does not detract from its value. If you want to invest but dont know where to start, pick up a copy of this book. [my review] A- The Bountiful Container by Rose Marie Nichols McGee and Maggie Stuckey (2002)The Bountiful Container beats most gardening books hands-down in several key areas. It focuses on growing plants that give a beginning gardener the most bang for the buck, plants that are both edible and decorative and can be grown with limited space. It is splendidly organized and easy to read, and has a great index, too. And the level of detail is just right for almost any skill level, and the writing is pleasant to read and easy to understand. [my ex-wife's review] B+The Four Pillars of Investing by William Bernstein (2002)In this book, Bernstein describes how to build a winning investment portfolio. He doesnt focus on the details he tries to explain fundamental concepts so that readers will be able to make smart investment decisions on their own. The Four Pillars of Investing is challenging in places, but it provides an excellent introduction to the theory, history, psychology, and business of investing. If youre able to finish, youll have a better grasp of investing than 99% of your peers. [my review] B Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping by Paco Underhill (2000)In this book, Paco Underhill an environmental psychologist describes what he learned through years of research into consumer behavior and retail marketing. Like it or not, youre manipulated all of the time while youre shopping, and in ways you dont even suspect. But by taking Underhills lessons for marketers and flipping them around, you can make yourself immune to marketers manipulations. (Well, maybe not immune, but less likely to succumb to their ploys, anyhow.) [my review] BWhy Smart People Make Big Money Mistakes (and How to Fix Them) by Gary Belsky and Thomas Gilovich (1999)In this short book, Belsky and Gilovich catalog a menagerie of mental mistakes that cause people to spend more than they should. What might have been a boring topic becomes fascinating thanks to an engaging style and plenty of anecdotes and examples. This book covers a couple dozen psychological barriers to wealth. [my review] B+ The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley and William Danko (1998)The Millionaire Next Door has earned its place in the canon of personal-finance literature. It's built on years of research, on a body of statistics and case studies. It doesnt make hollow promises. That said, the book is a flawed classic. It offers a fascinating portrait of the wealthy, but it buries this beneath mountains of detritus. The book is poorly organized, repetitive, and dull. (The section on car-buying seems to go on forever.) A patient reader will be rewarded with a glimpse at what it takes to become a millionaire, but I cant help but feel this book could have been something more. Warning: Avoid the audiobook, which suffers even more in the tedious sections. [my review] C+ Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence by James Stowers (1992)Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence is informative without being dense. Its accessible without being condescending. Its advice is solid. The book is filled with investment advice, but it gives equal time to thrift and savings. Best of all, it asks as many questions as it provides answers. It prompts the reader to think, to evaluate his priorities. Its message is that yes, you can achieve Financial Independence, but you cant get there overnight, and you cant get there without setting goals and making sacrifices. [my review] A-How to Retire Young by Edward M. Tauber (1989)How to Retire Young is one of the oldest books Ive found on the subject of early retirement. Taubers premise is that many people can retire early if they plan and remain dedicated to the plan. I wish I could say that this is a great book. Sadly, its not. Its good (dont get me wrong), but it suffers from being first. [my review] C-Cashing In on the American Dream: How to Retire at 35 by Paul Terhorst (1988)Cashing In on the American Dream is a seminal early retirement book and its advice was spot-on for 1988. But that strength is now its weakness. Some of the advice is thirty years out of date. If you dont need specific advice but are instead interested about theory (and story), then seek out this title. (The last half of the book is filled with stories from folks who made early retirement happen.) [my review] BHow to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis (1988)How to Get Out of Debt is built on the principles of Debtors Anonymous, a twelve-step program founded in 1971 to help those who struggle with compulsive debt. Mundis was himself a debtor, and he based this book on his own experience. This isnt purely theoretical information from the mind of some Wall Street finance whiz who has never struggled; this book contains real tips and real stories from real people. [my review] A- You Can Negotiate Anything by Herb Cohen (1980)Whether you like it or not, your life is filled with negotiations. You negotiate your salary, for the price of a car, for the cost of a couch. You negotiate with your wife about where to spend your summer vacation, with your husband about what color to paint the babys bedroom, with your daughter about what time she should be home from the football game. Of all the books Ive recommended at Get Rich Slowly over the years, You Can Negotiate Anything is one of the best. [my review] A How to Get Rich and Stay Rich by Fred J. Young (1979)This book is built around a single principle: Spend less than you earn and invest the difference in something that you think will increase in value and make you rich. It reads like homespun advice from your favorite uncle. While theres plenty of good advice in these pages and lots of amusing anecdotes, theres very little polish. [my review] CThe Incredible Secret Money Machine by Don Lancaster (1978)Though the title smacks of get-rich-quick schemes, The Incredible Secret Money Machine is really about starting and running a small business. To Lancaster, a money machine is any venture that generates nickels. Nickels are small streams of revenue from individual customers. If your goal is simply to earn a comfortable income for yourself by doing something you love, then this book can help you explore the idea of business ownership. Its not going to help you launch the next Google or Microsoft, though. Lancaster is all about nickels, not about dollars. [my review] C+Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression by Studs Terkel (1970)In 1970, writer Studs Terkel published Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression, which features excerpts from over 100 interviews he conducted with those who lived through the 1930s. Terkel spoke with all sorts of people: old and young, rich and poor, famous and not-so-famous, liberal and conservative. The book is fascinating. Its one thing to read about the Great Depression in textbooks, or to hear it used as leverage in political speeches, but its another thing entirely to read the experiences of the people who lived through it. [my review] A- That's it! If you find any reviews I missed, let me know so that I can add them to this index. I consider this a living article. I plan to add to it with time. As I re-publish old reviews that are currently unpublished, I'll add them here. And as I write new reviews in the future, those will get added to the list too. Know of a money book that I should read and review? Drop a line to let me know! Shares 139 https://www.getrichslowly.org/money-books-index/