#though i think my writing would look surreal if i randomly change things

[someonedefinitely]

i was re-reading my first fic (it's an unfinished long fic and I wanted to get an idea on wtf is going on to complete the thing), and holy shit do I want to delete the fic and myself from existence

like I wanna go up to every single person who has ever read this crap and genuinely apologize

[collapsedglasshouses]

An Angel for Noah || Noah Sebastian x OC [Part 4]

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @cafekitsune

MASTERLIST

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x Jules [she/her]

SUMMARY: When Noah started to notice how things changed around him, he thought he might turn insane.

WARNINGS: angst, psychological tension, paranoia, mentions of mental health problems and mysterious occurrences, ...

A/N: Hi! So, here is the next chapter... I feel like this story is becoming really dear to me and I am so excited how you all will react to my ideas for this. If you enjoyed this chapter, please don't hesitate to reblog or comment! I love seeing your reactions!

TAGLIST: @trvshdxddy @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @measuredingold @cncohshit @signs-of-ill-portent

If you wanna be added to the taglist of this story, please DM me or let me know in the comments!

Keep in mind, this takes place in an alternative universe. Even though I write about real people, the way I write them has nothing to do with how they are in real life.

When Noah woke up the next morning, he felt strange. Everything felt unreal to him. He couldn't stop thinking about how everything had changed over the last four weeks. But something had changed, and he couldn't quite wrap his head around what it was.

He realized there were too many coincidences for him to ignore, and it was driving him insane.

It all started when he would randomly catch the scent of a perfume he didn't recognize. It wasn't the usual cologne his bandmates used. Instead, it carried a flowery fragrance that was both unfamiliar and oddly comforting. At first, he dismissed it as a strange quirk of his senses, chalking it up to fatigue from their hectic schedule on the road.

He even mustered the courage to ask the other band members if they had changed their perfumes or scents, but they all looked at him like he was crazy. They had no idea what he was talking about, and his concerns were met with bewildered shrugs.

After a while, he convinced himself that something was wrong with his nose, and he tried to ignore the mysterious scent. But then, the next strange occurrence began to unfold.

As their tour approached and they began working on their new album, Noah would lock himself in the small recording studio for hours, attempting to channel his creative energies into lyrics and melodies. It was during these solitary sessions that he began to experience something truly bizarre.

Random, brilliant ideas would come to him, seemingly out of nowhere. They were not like anything he had ever composed before, and they felt as if they were whispered directly into his ear. Noah couldn't explain it, but it felt as if someone or something was guiding his creative process.

At first, he dismissed it as a surge of inspiration, but it happened too frequently and felt too surreal to be a mere coincidence. It was as though he had tapped into a wellspring of creativity beyond his own understanding.

One day, he confided in Jolly, one of his closest friends, about these peculiar occurrences. Jolly, with a furrowed brow, listened to the new songs Noah had composed and admitted that they sounded markedly different from Noah's usual style. It was as if Noah's music had been influenced by an external force.

But that wasn't the end of it.

Noah's paranoia about the strange smells and inexplicable creativity began to seep into his daily life. He started to see things—shadows moving out of the corner of his eye, fleeting glimpses of figures that vanished as soon as he turned to look at them.

There were just so many things that were slowly driving him insane. He became increasingly jumpy, always feeling like someone was watching over him. It wasn't unpleasant; in fact, it brought an odd sense of calmness he couldn't describe. But it was still nerve-wracking, a constant reminder that something was amiss.

Slowly but surely, Noah was convinced he was losing his mind. The tipping point that solidified this belief occurred during the car ride. Noah had dozed off in the driver’s seat when he was abruptly awakened by a sharp pain on his cheek. Nick, who he had apologized to last night after a stupid argument, suggested it might have been a surge of adrenaline, but Noah knew the sensation was more than that. It felt like a physical slap, even though there was no one else in the car.

Terrified, he had turned and drove home, unable to shake the feeling that something unseen was with him in that vehicle. And as if to confirm his growing unease, he later felt a soft touch on his cheek just as he was about to drift off to sleep—a gentle, reassuring stroke that sent shivers down his spine.

Noah couldn't blame all of these unsettling experiences on a lack of sleep or stress anymore. There was something inexplicable happening, and it was consuming his thoughts and sanity.

He let out a frustrated sigh, rolling over in bed, and reached for his phone. The display illuminated with the time: 3:46 PM. He had almost slept the entire day away, but the exhaustion that plagued him was far from gone.

Yawning, he dragged himself out of bed and made his way downstairs to the kitchen. There, he found Nick sitting at the counter, engrossed in his phone.

"Do you feel better?" Nick asked, concern etched across his face.

Noah opened the fridge, hunting for something edible, and replied nonchalantly, "Why shouldn’t I feel good?"

Nick persisted, his concern growing, "You weren’t feeling so well yesterday, after the sleeping-in thing…"

Noah grabbed a small yogurt, closed the fridge, and turned to face his friend. "Talk to me, Davis," Nick said, his voice taking on a warning tone.

"I'm fine," Noah replied, a sense of frustration welling up within him. He quickly retreated, making his way back upstairs to his room, sighing in relief when he closed the door behind him.

The exhaustion that gripped him was unlike anything he had ever experienced. It wasn't just physical; it was as if his mind was weighed down by the inexplicable events that had taken over his life.

Noah lay back down on his bed, absentmindedly eating his yogurt before starting to game a bit, and contemplated the strange turn his life had taken. He had planned to work on editing a song that day, but all he wanted now was to silence the chaotic thoughts racing through his mind. The world around him felt surreal, like a waking dream he couldn't escape.

As he stared at the ceiling, he whispered to himself, "This can't be real." In a final act of surrender, he turned off his game console and closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would wash over him, even though he knew it would provide no escape from the enigma that had consumed him.

When Noah opened his eyes again, he jumped at his surroundings. He found himself standing in a small suburban garden, bathed in the soft glow of the moonlight. About four meters in front of him, there was an old wooden bench, its weathered appearance suggesting it had seen countless moments of contemplation.

As he surveyed the garden, a sense of peace washed over him. There was a gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the trees, and the distant hum of crickets provided a soothing backdrop. But what truly captivated his attention was the figure sitting on the bench.

There, on the bench, was a girl, her silhouette illuminated by the faint starlight. She seemed lost in her own world, gazing up at the stars with a serene expression. Her presence felt like a dream, yet it was all too real to Noah.

His curiosity piqued, Noah decided to approach quietly, his footsteps muffled by the soft grass beneath his feet. However, as he drew closer, a feeling of confusion began to creep over him. He couldn't explain it, but there was something incredibly familiar about this girl.

The mom of the girl suddenly emerged from the nearby house, her footsteps barely audible as she gracefully made her way to the bench. She carried an aura of maternal warmth that was noticeable even from a distance.

"What are you thinking about, Julie?" the mother asked, her voice filled with affection and concern.

Noah's heart skipped a beat at the mention of the girl's name. Julie.

Noah, hidden behind a tree, couldn't tear his gaze away. He strangely wanted to know more about Julie, as if he had known her for a lifetime.

"Nothing," Julie replied, her voice soft and contemplative.

"Jules," the mom said with a gentle smile.

"Mom, it’s okay. I’m just a bit anxious," Jules admitted, her eyes still fixed on the stars above.

"Why?" her mom inquired, her voice laced with maternal concern.

"My life is going to change so drastically from now on," Jules explained, a hint of vulnerability in her words.

"That’s okay, that happens," her mom reassured her, placing a comforting hand on Jules' shoulder.

"I'm scared I’m not good enough," Jules confessed, her voice quivering with doubt.

"Jules… my love… you will be great. It’s always been your dream to go to Juilliard," her mom said, her words filled with unwavering support and love.

Noah's heart ached when he witnessed the tender exchange between mother and daughter. It was a moment that brought back vivid memories of his own family—his parents who had passed away when he was younger.

As he stood there, hidden from view, Noah felt an inexplicable connection to Jules. He wanted to get to know her better, to understand the significance of this dream-like encounter. It was as though fate had brought him to this moment for a reason.

Unable to resist his curiosity any longer, Noah took a tentative step forward. But as he did, leaves crunched under his feet, producing a sound that pierced the quiet night.

Suddenly, the scene around him seemed to blur and waver, like a mirage dissipating in the desert. Within the blink of an eye, the garden, the bench, and the two figures vanished.

He was awake again, back in his own reality, but the memory of the girl named Jules and the emotions that had welled up inside him remained vivid.

"Jules," he whispered to the empty room, his mind filled with questions, a longing to understand the connection he felt, and a burning desire to unravel the mystery of the girl from his dreams.

PART FIVE

[sunlightnmoonshine]

In the end (pt. 1)

It feels a little surreal that the show is over and I will no longer have anything to look forward to because the devil judge set such a high bar in terms of writing and character exploration that I will always hold dear to my heart. Given that its actually done, I found myself drowning in the realisation that we will never see these characters again and how I feel about where the show left them off. So this is me coming to terms with it:

1. Min Jung Ho - Snake lol. Something I admired about the writing was how they didn't try to make him all out some evil piece of shit but rather someone that had a very strong misguided belief off some strange frustrations against Yohan who was changing the legal system more radically but effectively. Which he could not come to terms with. In the end he villanised Yohan and ignored the actual problems that persisted and inevitably contributed to the problem all in a sense of self righteousness, ah sorry, hypocrisy is the better word. The show leaves him looking oh so pathetic, he can't even raise his head to meet Gaon, the boy he betrayed severely and he'll rot for the rest of his life going down in history as a hypocrite who did nothing to actually fix the system he claimed he would be the arm of justice for. Its a fitting end.

2. Heo Joong Se: Clown. The show really said he's a spoilt, stubborn arrogant joke until the end. Down to the way he insulted everyone but specifically insulted women. The way all he did in that court room was scream his head off without an ounce of remorse somehow still deluded by the fact that he's doing this for the country? But knowing fully well he's a businessman through and through and that was all he will be. I can not stress how phenomenal it is that it is Jung Sun Ah that shoots him dead. Its clear he's had it coming from her hand ever since she tried to suffocate him during the massage but it's just how randomly she does it. She's sick of him, she's aware she's going to be targeted, she's aware he's done too much behind her back and never once respected her and its in the midst of one of his screaming fits particularly screaming "I am the King" that the bullet goes through and there's silence. Perfection.

3. The rest of the clowns of the SRF : idle bystanders that turned an eye away from inherent evil and repeatedly benefitted off of their actions without an ounce of remorse yet again. But hilarious nevertheless because they really became jesters on that stage in a desperate fit to live, threw themselves away to get out a door. It's noteworthy that they spent most of their time trying to stop the other from leaving instead of quietly watching and just getting out. None of them of are capable of that, they only know to take from others. Crumbling under the systematic stage they built? Poignant. I don't really care what anyone says they deserved to die point in tow with HJS who saw human life as so unworthy of it wasn't their own. There's a reason why human trafficking is considered one of the worst of crimes, human experimentation falls closely next to it. All because they were poorer than them. Guess their greed really out did them. Tried to put on a show in a court house which was anyway all just a staged facade and ultimately they died on that stage with their masks out for everyone to see. For their people to see them throw each other away to live. If they were going to throw each other away - their own kind- what wouldn't they do to the lower class? Oof the show gave them what they deserved- humiliation.

4. Jung Sunah - I still struggle to come to terms with how she's gone and how painful everything about her was until the last minute. It's clear Sunah has been breaking for a few episodes now. She's so close to the top and she's realised how truly alone she is and she's realised Yohan will never want her the way she wants him to. She's realised every person she used to get to where she was, ended up being wasted stepping stones because she doesn't have what she wants all the way at the top and never will. The way the show has her quietly go to the experimentation centre and weep over the girl she saw herself in but someone she initially turned away from because she's not part of her bigger plan. The child she left to fall prey to the people Sunah has inevitably helped secure positions in her attempt to secure her own position. The way the show focuses on how the child has been repeatedly pierced with needles something Sunah hates the most and how she realises this is also her fault. She probably thought hey I'll get to the top and do things my way but as Yohan pointed out, ruling over trash isn't it, it'll never be worth it and she's essentially walking with a target on her back and she'll never be free because the weight of her sins will catch up to her and the rich will always be after her because she's not the same as them. She would be living on the edge forever. And she knows this.

Something I found very interesting was how she wasnt roped in on the crimes of the Dream House Project. Yohan only highlighted her crime as having killed K and Soohyun and its the frustration she feels in that moment that really gets me. It's also why I think she could never get out of the show because she killed innocent people which is highlighted repeatedly and at the time never showed remorse for it. BUT I love how the show somehow saves her from humiliation, until the end they paint her with regality and power because that is who Sunah is. Frankly she could have walked right out of the door while they were throwing a fit and Yohan would have let her because that was the terms of the game but he'd have come after her at some point and even if he didn't Gaon most certainly would have.

But it's the way the show brought it all back to how she feels about Yohan since he's the other half of what she's always wanted, the way she's happy he's alive, how she goes and stands in front of him and she's got her hand on the trigger of the gun while Yohan on the button of detonator. I believe, if Sunah had shot him Yohan would have detonated the bomb and died with them and I also believe deep down Sunah knew Yohan would somehow get out of this even if she didn't shoot him, so she really gave him the chance to get out and back to Elijah. I am not sure if Sunah couldn't shoot Yohan or if she didn't want to, and I lean towards the latter because she really liked him, it might have been ill placed desire but if things were different if she hadn't sided with the SRF in hopes of getting to the top she and Yohan might have worked things out and they would both be healing. If she only hadn't killed the innocent people to make a point... But at the end of it Sunah took her fate into her hands and I appreciate that the show gave her the agency over it, to decide not to shoot Yohan because she's finally letting go ( I stand by this but if Yohan had died Sunah would have lost - she never wanted him to die), because she won't do what the rest of the SRF scum want of her and because she's fine with going on her own terms.

That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though... I cry thinking about it because the show tried really hard to show how unfair everything was to Sunah and how if circumstances had been different, if the world had cared a bit more how she might have turned out differently. Her final moments the flashback to the one act of kindness she had needed in her life, the way Yohan really must have sparkled in her eyes, and how much she valued that moment all the way to her death because no matter what, in his own loneliness and difficulty he was kind to her. Jeez it hurts.

Ideally I'd have wanted her to live but I don't know how that would have worked out. At the end of it not all villains are evil. Some are products of the ills of the system that left them alone and let them become monsters but behind a monster there can also be a victim.

[dreamescapeswriting]

The Collaboration ~ OT7 [Request]

WORD COUNT: 2.1K

GENRE: Fluffy, platonic, established friendship,

PAIRING: Platonic ot7 x Fem!Reader

A/N: I hope this is okay for you sweetheart! It’s been a while since I’ve tried to write ot7 so I hope you enjoy this

The friendship that you had with the BTS boys was no secret, it had been public knowledge since the moment you meant them backstage at an award ceremony almost two years ago. One of your stylists had been recording you getting your hair and makeup done when there was a knock at the door and your manager walked in with them. It was hands down one of the best days of your life, even better than the day you signed your contract to become a singer and actress. The whole video consisted of you freaking out a little before finally coming down from the excitement and just talking with them. You'd been an ARMY for years so getting to meet them in person had been so surreal and then getting to call them all your friends was even more surreal to you. 

But the friendship was hugely publicised since you and BTS were both huge artists within the industry which meant a lot of articles were written about you and the boys together. Not all of the articles written about you both had been the nicest, some were and others were a lot worse. Some writing about how you were a nobody until it came to BTS. Some claiming you were dating one of the boys while others claimed that you were dating them all, which would be nearly impossible since you saw them as brothers and they saw you as a sister. Those ones happened to be your favourite to read but mostly because your fans and ARMY would be in the comments defending you or going along with it just to try and troll some people. There had been thousands of edits made to make it look as though you were dating which at first creeped you out and you made a statement about it which lead to less and less being made. It was nice to have that sort of vibe with your fans when they would actually listen to what was going on and what you did and did not like to see.

"The latest articles on us, have you read them?" You questioned Yoongi as you walked into his studio carrying two cups, one with your hot chocolate and another with coffee inside for Yoongi. You'd flown out to Korea for a break from your latest acting gig and decided to visit the boys while you had the chance to see them and actually spend some time together. Most of the boys were still working while you waited for them to go out to lunch with you, 

"What is it?" Yoongi chuckled taking the drink you were holding out for him as you brought up the article on your phone and sat down on the sofa behind you, the articles had begun the moment you touched down in Korea. It was going to take you a minute to be able to translate it all into Korean for him but you did your best, the Korean lessons with Namjoon and Jin were paying off really well.

"According to this one I'm using you guys for your fame, I'm only around you whenever I need to go up in fame points," You let out a small laugh at the thought of it. Were fame points even a thing? You continued to scroll through the website when went to the next one which instantly made you want to scream, Jimin walked into the room ready to tell you that he was ready for lunch when he saw the look on your face. It sent shivers up and down his back and made him feel like he was in trouble with you.

"You've got that murderous look on your face, Yoongi...What did you say?" Jimin questioned looking between you and Yoongi as he tried to figure out what could have been said to make you look this angry at something.

"Nothing...He didn't-" You mumbled as you scrolled through the article that was claiming that both of the fandoms were toxic together when it couldn't be further from the truth. Both fandoms were the sweetest you'd seen, ARMY had been so welcoming to you and your fans as well as vice versa. It honestly felt as though they were more like family members to one another than just random fans. You regularly found them defending one another whenever you went onto your personal Twitter account t update your fandom on things.

"A writer is claiming that our fandoms are the most toxic ones out there..." You mumbled as you brought up your keyboard and began getting ready to type out something on your page, you knew you were supposed to rise above things and if it had been about you you would have done. But since it was about people you scared about you had to take the matter into your own hands, 

@Y/NOfficial: Thank you to all of you that are always trying to be kind and treat everyone nicely. It's refreshing to see all of you act on behalf of me and other people on this app. You're always so kind and caring and I love to see it.

Along with it, you attached a photo of you with the boys from the night you arrived in Korea so that people would know what you were indirectly tweeting about and just like that people were coming to add smirking emojis or to start laughing about what it was you were actually talking about. 

"We should do something..." You muttered as you looked back at Yoongi and Jimin ideas filling your head within seconds. A collabortation between you and the boys had been in talk for a while but neither of your managers had come together to put the plan into action.

"What are you thinking?" Jimin quizzed as he sat himself down next to you looking over at your phone to see what you had just sent out.  

"We've spoken about it, Yoongi and I both have song ideas we've been working on..." Yoongi turned to look at you from his chair as he nodded along to what you were saying instantly knowing what you were talking about. There was a huge folder on his laptop dedicated to the work you'd both been doing together both long-distance and in person.

"I still have it all saved on my laptop if you want to take a look at it all." The statement was directed in Jimin's direction as you both waited for him to say something to it,

"Sure...What have you been working on?" He moved closer to Yoongi to take a look over everything and you smiled. The things you and Yoongi had been putting together were a backing track with some melodies and adlibs you'd both been doing overtime. It was far from being done but it was better than having nothing to go off, all you needed to do was get the okay from both of your managers and the rest of the boys. 

"I've been working on a rap part for Hoseok and Namjoon and Y/n has been writing her own lyrics for her parts," Yoongi mumbled as you grabbed a spare chair to sit down next to him with. Hitting play he let the melody and your rough lyrics fill the air of his small studio.

The collaboration had been amazing, the song was one of your best works in your opinion and the videos were shot and ready to be released at a moments notice. Teasers had been being released all month between your account and the BTS one but neither of the fandoms had put it together that this would be some kind of collaboration. The teasers for the songs had been dramatically different from one another, Yoongi changing the melodies on his and yours just so that nobody would be able to place that they were the same track. Your Twitter had been focussing on releasing your parts in the video with your words and then the boy's parts only being theirs. The fans had no idea but there were a select few that had pieced it together bit by bit and were starting to realise what was happening but no one else seemed to piece it together. 

"It's almost midnight," You said over the call to the boys, all of them were sitting on skype with you as they waited inside Hoseok's studio this time. They were all sitting on the sofa in his room watching the countdown on one of the monitors, the plan was to release the music videos at the same time and wait to see what would happen with the fandoms.

"We've worked so hard for this," Namjoon chuckled as he handed all of the boys a small drink each to celebrate with, you had your own glass of wine to drink while you waited as well. Jungkook cleared his throat as he got up to give a small speech about how much he'd enjoyed working with you.

"You guys worked so great, I don't know how I'll thank you enough." You whispered as you looked at each of them through the screen feeling an overwhelming urge to cry as you thought about how close you'd all grown as a friendship group. This time it was your turn to get a sappy speech but the countdowns began and you smirked looking at the titles, both the same song and video on each channel but the boys had their title while yours was left as. Y/n Y/L/N ???? For a little extra surprise to the fans. Taehyung began counting down from one minute and thirty seconds and the rest of you began to join in with him.

"5...4...3...2...1," The iconic BigHit entertainment logo and intro filled the speakers in your room and you let out a small squeal at the thought of it finally being live after the months of working on it. The boys cheered as the music started and Jin opened up the song for you all walking around their dorms on the screen.  

"I'm going to check Twitter!" You yelled out as you brought out your phone to see all of the different reactions that were coming out from the video. Mostly people freaking out thinking Youtube had crashed and placed both videos onto the channel until your line came up. In the music video, you walked onto the set and began singing through your part of the song as if it was casual. The video idea had been that it was just supposed to be a casual setting at the dorms and you randomly walked through the front door and sat with them while singing. The song was about friendship, which wasn't like a lot of songs any of you had written before but it felt like it needed to be said. That people could be friends or more like family members without having to hate one another or have everyone assume that they were dating. It was mostly a huge slap in the face to all the media outlets claiming that you couldn't be friends with the guys because they were...well guys.

"THE COLLAB OF A LIFETIME!" Someone had tweeted out with your retweet of the music video link, you smirked reading through everything that was on the screen, your whole dash refreshing itself every two seconds. Everyone seemed to be loving the fact that you had decided to finally collaborate with the boys, 

"They love it," You giggled as you sipped on your glass of wine in celebration of the song coming out, cheering along with the boys.

The night continued on as you waited for people to react to it until you decided to go live on Instagram. The boys were all gone now so you wanted to see what everyone was thinking of it now so you set your phone up on your desk and got ready to read through everything.

"I can't wait to see your reaction videos tomorrow, you guys know I watch all of them." You laughed softly as you stared into the small screen of your phone reading through the thousands of comments that were flying through. Play with your hair if this was because of the article about you using the boys for fame. #Y/nandBTSTakeOver You smirked to yourself before playing with the ends of your hair and winking into the camera, going back to answering more questions from your fans and ARMY wanting them to know how the collaboration had come to be and if there would be more work with them in the future.

Tagline: @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @fan-ati--c​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​ @rjsmochii​ @bisexualmess007​ @innersooya​ @sw33tnight​ @sweeneyblue1​ @jin-from-the-block​

[sankyeom]

belle’s 2020 tumblr wrap up

i almost didn’t make one of these because i lost my laptop charger on my flight home to california and i didn’t want to type this out on my phone but after being tagged in so many people’s wonderful end-of-year messages (thank you @sunlightwoo​ @heartyyjeno​ @atbzkingdom​ @chaoticdeobi @xfirebenderx @fairyoftbz​ and for including me thus far 💗) i decided i had to join this beautiful love fest and end the year on a good note! 

m i l e s t o n e s  (personal and for the blog) ✨

◇ on february 17th 2020 i started stanning (and eventually ulting) the boyz!   ↳ this is important because i had been listening to the boyz’s music since no air era, but never watched their videos or learned the members’ names. after stanning the boyz, i was introduced to my beautiful deobiblr, which is such a warm and welcoming community. i met most of treasured mutuals through this community and honestly don’t know what i’d do without it!

◇ on april 23rd 2020 i reached 1,000 followers on my blog!     ↳ this was very special to me because i have previously reached 1k followers on many different platforms (quotev.com, wattpad, a different tumblr blog, etc.) but after not writing for a long time i was worried people wouldn’t like my writing anymore or that i wouldn’t be good at it after taking a break. reaching this number was surreal for me and it made me realise that i wanted to study creative writing in university, which i am now doing!

◇ on may 30th 2020 i graduated high school!   ↳ i graduated with honours and a 4.0 along with a lot of life-long friends that i had made in the two years i spent at my competitive, college-prep private school. i faced a lot of hardships but eventually got through it and i am a better person for it. congratulations to all the graduates who didn’t get the graduation they all dreamed of, you did something spectacular this year!

◇ on august 24th 2020 i started university as a creative writing major!   ↳ 2020 was a crazy year for everyone and it made picking which uni to go to really hard, but there was one uni in particular that loved my admissions essay and wrote to me personally saying they would love to have me in their creative writing program, which really touched me and interested me in this uni. i’ve always been someone who finds academics really important so i had gotten multiple scholarship offers from different “higher ranking” universities, but i was able to learn what was important to me in picking a school that would both foster my learning and make me feel at home.

◇ on september 21st 2020 i got my first ever B on a test!    ↳ and i was really happy about it. in high school i strived to get 100% on every test and would have panic attacks when i got even a single point off. i wish i was joking, but that’s the truth. i’ve always been a perfectionist and i wanted to have a more healthy relationship with my personal expectations in university. being in uni helped me to pace myself academically and learn to juggle doing fun things – like this lovely blog – alongside studying. i still managed to get all As in my final grades for this semester, but i really loved letting myself get Bs and take breaks. 

◇ on october 18th 2020 i reached 2,000 followers on my blog!   ↳ if you read how important reaching 1k to me was, you can probably guess how amazing and emotional this was for me. not only did i have enough followers to fill three of my high schools, but i had made a lot of friends at this point, and that was so special to me. i had also never done a special series to celebrate a milestone, and as i stand here on december 31st with 2,457 followers, i have yet to finish my 2k celebration due to taking a short break from writing. don’t worry though, it’s all coming very soon!

◇ on november 29th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a masterlist!  ↳ facade? was my first social media au masterlist to reach 1,000 notes and when that happened, it truly blew my mind. i have no words to describe how special that moment was for me. a lot of people loved it because they resonated with the main character or because they found all the plot twists fun, and i really love that so many people enjoyed it and gave it a chance, despite the general plot being quite common.

◇ on december 7th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a fic! ↳ he loves me, he loves me not was my first one shot/fic to reach 1,000 notes and my second fic ever to reach 1k notes, which was literally crazy. so many people have reached out to me about that fic and how much it resonated with them and their experiences, and i just loved that this was the first written fic i ever had reach 1k notes because of the emotional implications.

m u t u a l s 💛

i have so much love and appreciation for you all, it’s unreal. i’m a very shy, often times insecure, and quiet person so i have a hard time reaching out to people. this means that minimal interactions actually mean a lot to me, so please never think that i don’t love or support you guys just because i’m a little quiet. that being said, here are some mutuals who i have gotten to know better in 2020 and a little love letter for you each 💌

@xfirebenderx

💌 nani, you were one of my very first mutuals here on tumblr back when i ulted seventeen and literally never spoke to anyone or interacted with people other than the few anons in my inbox. you made me feel comfortable and welcome here on tumblr, and i’ve always seen you like an older sister figure because of that. your enthusiasm and support are often times unparalleled because you never hold back anything and i am in awe of how lovely you are. thank you for having my back this year and making me feel so supported! 🌟

@chaoticdeobi

💌 bea, you’re such a ray of sunshine and brightness in my life and on my dash, i’m in awe of how much of a social butterfly you are! you were one of the reasons i started writing for the boyz because i felt excited when i read your fics and i was extremely impressed with how immersive your writing was (and still is!). aside from your amazing writing abilities, you’re truly someone who i feel comfortable with even though we haven’t spoken that much privately, and you have an amazing gift of making people feel accepted and at home. thank you for being a wonderful brightness in my life this year! 🌼

@heartyyjeno

💌 alesha, i’ve said this to you many times before but i truly treasure you as a person and as a friend. you are without a doubt one of the most supportive and uplifting people that i’ve met on tumblr, and i can always rely on you to make me feel like i’m loved and a good writer, especially on days where i feel like i’m neither. i know that 2020 has been a struggle for you and i wish i could have done more to support you, so i hope you take this love letter as evidence of how loved you are and how much i cherish you as a person and as a friend. thank you for being my rock this year! 🌷

@httpsohnpouts

💌 rosie, you are someone who is very dear to me and i always feel so lucky to be your friend! we’ve spoken quite a bit this year and i loved getting to know you and finding out we stan/ult so many of the same groups! i loved gushing over dark haired eric, seunghoon from cix, and blackpink’s comebacks with you this year so much because it made me feel much closer to you! you’re always one of the first people i send love chains to on tumblr and i just really appreciate your lovely energy every time we interact. thank you for being a caring friend for me this year! 🌹

@stealerz

💌 qiu, first of all your url change is absolutely adorable and i’m a huge fan. second of all, your writing is so stunning and it was also another reason why i wanted to start writing for the boyz this year! you’re somebody who i often see on my dash and try to interact with, and it always feels a little surreal when you gush over my writing because i look up to you in that sense. you are such a lovely friend who i don’t talk to very often because i’m shy, but i feel like you’re always around to remind me that you support me and just make me feel loved here on tumblr. thank you for being an inspiration to me and sending me so many cheerful love chains on tumblr this year! 🌻

@neoskidz (i wasn’t sure which of your blogs to tag so i’ll add @chocolattees just in case)

💌 elsie, i always feel undeserving of your hype and excitement when you comment on my fics or leave me lovely asks in my inbox to sing my (absolutely undeserving) praises. you’re someone who seems very bright and warm-hearted so i always feel comfortable around you, and i only wish i could have praised you and given you as much love as you did for me in 2020. i love when you randomly pop up in my inbox and i love to hear about how you’re doing because i feel like it’s the least i can do to show you that i support you and am always interested to hear what you’re up to! thank you for reminding me that friends can come from anywhere and for always being so compassionate this year! 💐

@deobienthusiast

💌 k, i always look forward to when you reach the latest chapter of my social media fics because i’m always living to hear your reactions to them! i always feel so lucky that you interact with me and reach out so much because i’m shy and it makes it a lot easier for me to talk to you and actually get to know you. i love that we stan so many of the same groups and can always gush about cix and the boyz together, especially when we tag each other under any posts that have to do with blond baejin. you are honestly someone who i feel very relaxed with because we talk so often and have so many of the same interests, i really appreciate your presence in my life. thank you for being someone who i can talk to about my fics and all of our bias wreckers this year! 🌈

@atbzkingdom

💌 dee, i’ve said this before but you’re a literal ray of sunshine to me and you warm me up like the sun with all of our interactions. i always love to hear your comments about my fics because you never hold back and always unleash so much excitement onto me that i can’t help but reciprocate and allow myself to get super hype and happy. you have an ability to make me open up and actually feel excited about my friendships here on tumblr and my own writing, which can be really hard for me sometimes. i’m blessed that you look up to me and i have to say that i absolutely look up to you as well, in more ways than just your writing! thank you for being my personal hype-man and helping me come out of my shell this year! ✨

@lsangyeons

💌 yu, i think you are seriously so damn talented it’s actually unbelievable. not only are you an amazing writer but your designs, sketches and other amazing works of art are just so inspiring and i find it incredible that you’re so multifaceted. you’re always someone who i think very genuinely wants to know how i’m doing and is always ready to catch up and share what you’re working on with me, and i find that really illuminating and fun because you’re so talented. thank you for reaching out to me so often and making me feel comforted this year! ❄️

@fairyoftbz

💌 rosy, i am totally kicking myself right now for not reaching out as often as i wanted to because i feel like we get along well and we could be really close if i wasn’t so shy and bad at keeping up with my asks/mentions. i think you’re a lovely person and i’ve felt so fortunate to have gotten to know you better this year. as i mentioned before, you’re a very thoughtful person and i look forward to getting to know you better in 2021! thank you for being a supportive friend to me this year! 🪐

@sunlightwoo

💌 gina, i adore you, and that’s the absolute truth. i’ve been so happy that we were able to connect this year and become friends because you are a fiercely supportive and lovely mutual to have. i have to thank the kpop gods for getting you to start standing the boyz so we could meet and be friends after all this time. i love how you yell and gush about my fics because it makes me feel like i’m actually writing something people like and not just rubbish that i come up with in my head, and you make me feel grounded and supported, which i can only hope to reciprocate just as enthusiastically to you! thank you for being a fiercly kind and supportive friend to me this year! 🌠

here are some people who i haven’t interacted with much (because, like i’ve said, i’m terribly shy and don’t interact with people much in general (feel free to reach out though i would love to chat 🥺)) but still wanted to mention! i love and appreciate you all for replying to my posts, recommending my fics or just posting really amazing content here on tumblr for us all to enjoy, and that i’d love to get to know you better in 2021!! @1ovejisung​ @jenoleeaesthetic @thepixelelf​ @honeycobie​ @tbzwurld​ @meltingjukyu​ @mae-gi-writes​ if i’ve forgotten everyone i’m terribly sorry but also very jetlagged and bad at keeping track of my friends xx

a n o n s 🦋

i’m grateful to everyone who joined my anon list this year and i’ve genuinely enjoyed all of our interactions so much! i wanted to give a short thank you to a few specific anons but i also love my other anons, 🐝 anon, 🧸 anon, 💫 anon, 🦋 anon, 🥯 anon, 🍇 anon, 🌜 anon, 💒 anon, and 🦕 anon a lot and appreciate you all! thank you for joining my anon list and i hope we can continue to get to know each other in 2021!

🤍 anon 💌 you always check on me and ask me how i’m doing, and i feel so comfortable around you it’s like talking to a friend. we always talk about anything and everything and i appreciate that you’ve been such a constant in my life this year!

🌱 anon 💌 my sweet deobi 🌱 anon! i love gushing about the boyz and my social media fics with you, it’s always so fun to see how passionate you are and it’s honestly everything to me.

🐹 anon 💌 you really feel like a sibling or a friend to me because you’re always telling me to take care of myself and encouraging me to take breaks and be happy. i want everything that you encouraged me to do for you as well and i hope that you take care of yourself and stay healthy/safe!

🐱 anon 💌 literally the absolutely king/queen of getting involved in my fics and gushing to me about how every chapter made you feel. i love seeing your responses and i’m always so touched when you leave me simple messages telling me to have a good weekend or asking me to be your friend. we are absolutely, 100% friends my love!

🔮 anon 💌 you’re my most recent anon but i feel like we’ve known each other forever now! we talk quite often and i always love it when i see the little 🔮 emoji in my inbox because i love how enthusiastic and understanding you are. thank you for deciding to join my anon list so we could become closer!

f o l l o w e r s   a n d   r e a d e r s 💘

i doubt that all 2,457 of my followers are going to see this, but i’m going to write this as if you all will anyway. thank you for being here and for caring about my content enough to hit the follow button. numbers don’t mean much and are quite arbitrary, but i still think that it’s amazing that there are 2,457 of you cuties who put up with me. to those of you who don’t follow me but read my fics/like and reblog my posts, thank you. i personally see those things as small praises and/or appreciations for my efforts and i wish i could tag you all here to tell you that i love and appreciate you, but tumblr won’t let me and i think most of you wouldn’t want that either. i couldn’t make a love letter to the people that shaped my 2020 without addressing all of you, so i hope that some of you decided to give this a read. i appreciate you and i want you here, healthy, and safe on this planet. please take care of yourselves as i would love to take care of you. x

[flowerpowell]

The Royal Holiday Romance (Liam x MC)

PART THREE

A/N: Good morning and welcome to the third part of this mess of a series that I randomly decided to write. It’s still cheesy and still Hallmarky. Nothing changed in that department. And we’re almost kinda halfway through. I hope you’ll like this part! Characters belong to Pixelberry.

Rating: G 

Tagging: @twinkleallnight​ @kingliam-rys​ @sfb123​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @gardeningourmet​ @gkittylove99​ @texaskitten30​ @delightfullypinkglitter​ @kingliam2019​ @queen-arabella-of-cordonia​ @lodberg​ 

Victoria looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She wasn’t sure if her little black dress was an appropriate attire for meeting the King. On the other hand, she truly believed that ‘less is more’ and her LBD was inspired by the fashion of Audrey Hepburn. If the King had a problem with Victoria’s love for simple outfits it wouldn’t be her problem. She doubted it’d be the case though; Hana insisted that the King was a true gentleman and one of the nicest people she’d ever met. Victoria was already excited to meet him. Besides, she’d never met anyone from royal family before and she was interested what they would be like. Her obsessions with fairytales definitely added to that interest.

“Ready?” Hana walked into Victoria’s room in a house the filming crew rented for all the actors.

“I think so. What do you think?” She did a little twirl and Hana chuckled.

“Beautiful. You look like an actress straight from the 50’s. Come on, our car is waiting for us!”

Victoria took a deep breath before walking out. It felt almost silly how excited she was but the inner child within her was screaming with joy at the prospect of going to an actual palace.

“Here goes nothing.” 

~~~~

“Ahhh! I’m so excited! Do you think Hana will like my squid suit?”

“Mhm.” Liam only nodded and Drake rolled his eyes.

“Why do I have to be here as well? I’m not a noble!” He asked, for the fifth time that hour.

“Because you want to support me?” Maxwell suggested and Drake shook his head.

“Try again.”

“This is so exciting! Thank you, Liam! You’re the best friend a guy could ask for,” Maxwell said, completely ignoring Drake.

“You’re welcome. My father liked lady Hana a lot and since her role in The Crown and the Flame he considered her a friend of the Crown. It’d be nice to have her back here.”

“And her friend Maxwell insisted on inviting,” Drake noticed.

“You’ll like her. Besides, Hana said nice things about her and Hana is never wrong.”

“Your obsession with Hana Lee is a bit concerning.”

“It’s not obsession, it’s an appreciation for her art. You’ll never understand it with an attitude like this, Drake.” Maxwell stuck out his tongue at him.

“Your Majesty.” Antonio, the King’s assistant, walked into the room. “The ladies have arrived. Shall I ask them to come here?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Your Majesty!” Bastien called out from behind Liam. “The American Ambassador is on the line and wants to talk to you. He says it’s urgent.”

“Very well, then.” Liam nodded. “I’ll join you in a moment. Please excuse me,” Liam apologized and followed Bastien into his office. Truth be told, he was quite happy about that distraction. As much as he liked lady Hana, he wasn’t in a mood to socialize today. All he could think about was the mysterious Victoria. He wondered if she visited his secret spot again. He wanted nothing more than to go to that forest again and see her again. Maybe. If she was still Cordonia, that is.

“Liam, get yourself together,” he scolded himself in his head before returning to his duties.

~~~~

“The King had to answer a call but he’ll join us shortly. I’m so happy to see you both again,” Maxwell welcomed Hana and Victoria as Drake shook their hands.

“He’s always busy in the Christmas time,” Drake added.

“It’s okay,” Victoria tried to smile but she was too anxious to do that. Now that she was in the palace, it all felt real but still almost surreal.

“What an interesting suit, Maxwell,” Hana noticed.

“Thank you, m’lady.” Maxwell smiled and turned to Drake, sending him a quick, I-told-you-so look.

“Let’s go to the dining room. I’m sure you two must be hungry after working all day.”

Victoria only nodded, glancing one last time behind her to see if maybe the King had joined them. So far, there was no sight of him.

~~~~

Liam was sitting in his office with his eyes closed. If he had had any energy left before, now he had absolutely none. The ambassador talked to him for straight thirty minutes about his idea, which Liam didn’t fully understood. Something about the movie with Hana Lee and about the premiere of it, as well as some other details Liam simply hadn’t noted. He was tired, too tired to talk to anyone. Would Maxwell forgive him if he ditched the dinner?

“He’s probably too focused on Hana to notice I’m not here,” Liam said to himself before standing up and taking his coat. He needed fresh air first. He could join his friends later.

~~~~

It was already an hour since they came to the palace and there was still no King on the horizon. Victoria wondered if the Kingly duties were that absorbing or if he simply decided to skip the dinner. Hana and Maxwell were chatting and seemed not to notice someone was missing but Victoria kept glancing at the door from time to time. She talked a little with Drake who, as she learned, was half-American and was King’s best friend. He told her about his family’s ranch in Texas and about how different his life was in Cordonia. In return, Victoria told Drake about how she wanted to become a movie critic but became an actress instead.

“Y’know, it’s never too late to change your career path. Maybe you’re never really happy with your roles because you’re not doing something you really love?” Drake suggested when she confessed to him why she wasn’t so excited about the movie.

“I don’t know… It feels easier to be where I am rather than change my life drastically.”

“Maybe.” Drake nodded. “But I learned the hard way that we don’t grow if we stay in the same place. Don’t settle for less just because you’re comfortable or scared.”

Victoria chuckled. “That was deep.”

Drake smiled and motioned the alcohol on the table. “That’s whiskey talking. Or maybe my wife’s influence, I don’t know.”

“In this case, I’d like to thank whiskey and your wife for the advice. I’ll think about it.”

“Please do. I was in a similar spot before I met my wife. She completely changed me and made me realize all these things I just told you. And that being said,” Drake looked around the room, “I gotta go, I miss my wife.”

“Sure. Have a great night, Drake. And thank you for the pep talk!”

“At your service.” Drake smiled and said goodbye to Hana and Maxwell. Victoria sat alone for twenty minutes more before she finally decided to go home as well. The King wasn’t coming. He was probably very busy and Victoria wasn’t surprised he couldn’t make it.

“I think I’ll go as well. I’m a bit sleepy after today. You can stay,” Victoria added as she noticed Hana was getting up, too.

“Nonsense. I brought you here and besides, it is pretty late.”

“Hana, I know where to go. And I think I could use a walk. Please, stay here with Maxwell and don’t worry about me. We’ll see each other tomorrow morning anyway.”

“If you’re sure.” Hana hesitated and Victoria smiled reassuringly.

“I am.”

“Do you need a drive? I can ask one of our drivers to give you a lift,” Maxwell offered but she shook her head.

“I’ll walk, I want to get some fresh air before I’ll go to sleep. You two have fun, though!”

“Text me when you get to your room safely!” Hana called out after Victoria and she only nodded.

~~~~

Liam was wandering around the forest for over an hour, each minute feeling guilty for leaving his guests without their host. He truly believed they were better off without him as he was too tired to make a good impression on anyone.

It was already late when he decided to head home. He didn’t see Victoria, not that he was looking for her. He was that naïve to think he’d meet her again.

He was about twenty minutes from home when he noticed someone familiar. His heart began to race as he realized it was Victoria. As usual, she seemed to be lost in thought and didn’t see him. He admired how beautiful she looked for a moment before he decided to catch her attention.

“Victoria!” He called out and felt tingles when their eyes met. He watched as she walked up to him smiling from ear to ear and realized he was grinning like an idiot himself.

“Liam! What a nice surprise to meet you here!”

“Indeed it is. I… umm… was in the forest today and I missed you bumping into me.”

Victoria chuckled at his words. “I wanted to go there today but I had to be somewhere else.”

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow? There’s another spot I like and which I think you’ll like as well; besides, I just finished reading Little Mermaid and need to discuss it with an expert.”

“You read Little Mermaid?” Her eyes were sparkling with joy and Liam’s breath hitched.

“Of course. I’m always down to read a good thriller,” he joked causing her to burst out laughing. She quickly covered her mouth but Liam took notice of how adorable her laugh was.

“I’m free,” she replied. She had no scenes that day anyway and Hana would forgive her if she skipped one day of eating lunch together. Liam smiled at her words.

“Wonderful. Should we meet by the cave? What time would be the best for you?”

“Maybe it’d be easier if we had each other’s phone numbers?” Victoria suggested shyly. It was the first time ever she asked a man for his number. “This way we wouldn’t have to wait to bump into each other again and if something pops out we’d be able to contact one another.”

“I’m glad at least one of us is thinking straight,” Liam laughed. They exchanged their phone numbers and after chatting for a few moments, each of them went their own way, both of them thinking about the other one.

~~~~

“Good morning to you, Your Majesty who skipped your own dinner party. I hope the call was fruitful.”

Liam rolled his eyes at Drake’s sarcastic comment.

“The call was way too long and exhausting. I needed to go for a walk afterwards.” He bit his lip and Drake eyed him suspiciously.

“I know that look. You’re hiding something.”

“Not at all.”

“Mhm. Where were you yesterday and where are you going today?”

Liam sighed. “Drake, I really—”

“Be sorry that you didn’t come to dinner yesterday. We had so much fun! And Hana loved my suit!” Maxwell waltzed into the room, beaming.

“She said it was interesting,” Drake corrected but Maxwell ignored it.

“Where were you anyway?”

“I went for a walk and it took me longer than I thought. I’m happy to hear that you all had a great time,” Liam replied. They might have had a great time but he was sure he had even greater time. A certain movie critic had something to do with it. They shared a few messages since last night, mostly talking about movies and books. Liam found himself completely fascinated by this woman who was so passionate about cinema that it made him watch something for the first time since becoming the King.

“Maxwell had. He was talking to Hana all evening and left Hana’s friend out,” Drake noticed.

“She was talking to you!”

“Until I had to go back to Riley. Maxwell, you sucked as a host, face it.”

“Thank you, Drake for keeping her company though. Had I known she’d be sitting alone I’d have come sooner,” Liam said suddenly feeling guilty. He didn’t know this Tori but she was his guest and he felt bad for how Maxwell treated her.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I should’ve acted differently but I was just so excited to talk to Hana that I forgot about everything else. And Tori didn’t seem to mind. I told you she was cool,” Maxwell shrugged.

“We’ll talk about when I’ll come back,” Liam warned.

“Where are you going? Shouldn’t you have a meeting with my brother and Olivia today?”

“I rescheduled. I’m meeting someone.”

“Who?” Drake raised his eyebrows.

“Just… someone I met recently. I’ll tell you later.”

“Oooh, interesting!” Maxwell exclaimed. “Then I’ll tell you more about what I learned about Hana! Look, I even took pictures of us! I’ll use them in my book.” Maxwell showed Liam a few selfies from the day before. Most of them showed Maxwell grinning at the camera and Hana smiling slightly.

“Wait, stop,” Liam asked. “Can you go back to three pictures ago?”

“Umm, sure.”

Maxwell went back to the photo and Liam’s eyes went wide as he looked at it. He zoomed in on a person in the background, not believing his eyes.

“Victoria?!”

--------------------

[nextgenfairytale]

Arnold & Helga’s quarantine letters by Craig Bartlett

"Dear Helga, Day 33 of the quarantine. Going a little crazy. Thank goodness for Abner, who isn’t bothered, just seems glad that I’m around all day! Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Imagine my surprise when Harvey delivered your letter this morning. In case you haven’t noticed, Einstein, there’s been a little invention called the smart phone, and I’m available by text. But I enjoyed writing this reply in an old-fashioned letter, because as you know I like to write, and it gives me the chance to go outside to mail it, and snoop around the neighborhood a little. So thanks for cheering me up, Hair Boy. From Helga. No, scratch that... Love Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 39, and I’m feeling it. It’s kind of an out-of-body experience. Grandma keeps telling me to Look Up, and Grandpa randomly comes upstairs to tell late-night ghost stories. Thanks for writing back, I never thought I’d miss hearing you call me Football Head, but these are strange days. I miss you. Love, Arnold. #stayhome" "Dear Football Head, I was minding my own business on some random sidewalk when Harvey stopped and pulled another letter from you out of his bag, like he’s Santa Claus now. And not like it’s any of your business, but I’m fine, stuck here with the Patakis for the duration. Olga’s acting career is on lockdown so she has to perform for us, going from Little Miss Sunshine to Mozart’s Requiem in 30 seconds flat. I’m mostly in my room, running out of stuff to read, so I was actually pretty glad to hear from you, Arnoldo. I could use some of your blind optimism. Write me some more, okay? Love, Helga.” "Dear Helga, Day 49 since we could just go to Slausen’s and get an ice cream. I’m spending even more time in my room — Grandpa started a game of Risk downstairs and it’s gone on for days. Things are getting surreal up here. The colors keep changing. I find myself asking questions like, where did Grandma find this carpet? I finally fall asleep and dream of flying, and then Nocturnal Ned wakes me at 7:00 and I count how many days it’s been. Thanks for the song dedications, by the way, they’re always spot on. But do they always have to be “from Helga who hates you”? And thanks for writing back, I really enjoy your letters. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Harvey came to the door waving another letter from you like I’d been waiting for it or something. The nerve of that guy. I told him I’d been out, staring at clouds and trying to see shapes in them like you do, and normally I could make fun of you and call you dorkwad or yutz or paste-for-brains, but you weren’t there. So I returned to Casa Pataki, where nothing changes: Bob’s on his phone straight through dinner, Miriam stares a hole in her blender like to smoothie or not to smoothie? And if Olga reminds me to wash my dirty little hands one me time I’ll wring her scrawny neck. Back to the magnificent solace of my room where I can write you back, as you requested. So don’t say I never did anything for you, Hair Boy. And please write back. Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 58 of this thing. How could the days go by so fast and then just stand there? I’m in my room trying to make the walls go away. When I fall asleep, all I do is dream. I know it’s boring to read about other people’s dreams, but I had a dream about you. You were trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear what you were saying. You were smiling, though, so it was something good. I went out walking today, and Harvey asked me if I had any mail for him. I said, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I think he’s on to us, Helga. But please write back. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, you’re right about Harvey. He came sauntering up, made a big show of going through his bag looking for your letter, humming some stinkin’ love song. I told him I don’t have all day, what does he think, I just pace around in front of the house waiting to hear about a certain Hair-Boy’s dumb dreams? And speaking of which, I’ve been having some doozies. Last night you came out of this spooky fog and I was trying to tell you something important, and you turned into Arnie. Then I realized that I was a monkey. Well, a monkey-girl. Anyway it’s nice to get these letters. I don’t mind reading about your dreams as long as they’re about me. Keep it up, Arnoldo. Dream about the day we can go out for ice cream. I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say over a banana split. Which you are paying for, Bucko. Just kidding, we can split it. Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 70 of this craziness. I tried sleeping on my couch to see if I would maybe dream less, but nope. Here’s one: we were up in Mighty Pete, and you said follow me down, Arnoldo, and then you were gone, and then the whole tree was gone. I was a little gloomy at breakfast, probably because it was chickpea pancakes (Dad’s still grinding his own flour substitutes). Grandma and Grandpa tried to cheer me up, but you know what? All I wanted was another letter from you. I went down to wait for Harvey, and he comes dancing up, and even with his mask on he was singing, “You’ll never find... someone who cares about you! Like sheeee does” and I’m like “C’mon Harvey, just give me the letter please.” Anyway thanks for writing back. These letters are giving me life. And yes, I will love to meet you at Slausen’s for a banana split, and I don’t care who pays. That will be a great day. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Ha! Think you’re dreaming a lot? Even if I tell you just my dreams that you starred in I’ll be writing letters for years, or at least till this quarantine is over. Okay, last night I fell asleep reading Ulysses, which always puts me right out, and then I was wandering in that Dali painting with all the melted clocks. And I’m yelling, okay I know time seems to be stretching these days but this is ridiculous! And then you float up in adorable cherub mode. I call out, “Hey! Arnoldo! When will the quarantine end?” And you say, “I know you want to come up, Helga, but we have to wait until Mayor Dixie says it’s okay.” And then I run and run up a bunch of stairs and into my room and slam the door, and then I notice it’s YOUR room! Heh-heh, not like I know what the inside of your room looks like, Hair Boy. Anyway thanks for writing. Harvey brought your latest and I practically tackled him to get it. I think he’s enjoying being the lockdown mailman a little too much. More dreams, please! Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 82 and now we have a curfew on top of a quarantine, which is like stay home squared. I’m dreaming of the day we get our city back. Speaking of which, last night I dreamed you were a 100-foot tall giant running across our neighborhood, and I was trying to catch you, and realized I was a giant too, and was immediately terrified I was gonna step on someone. I hear a crunching sound and then a tiny car alarm and I yell, “Helga! Slow down, we’re gonna knock down the neighborhood!” And you turn around and grab the top off a building and say “Don’t worry Arnoldo, it’s cake!” And I can see it’s chocolate, with candles on it. And I’m, “But your birthday was the end of March!” And you’re all pleased, “Arnold! You remembered!” And then you explain how time is all stretchy these days so March, June, who cares? “I say it’s my birthday, Football Head.” And then you throw the cake at me and now it’s a food fight, and I wake up to the smell of Dad burning a cake made out of what turns out to be Amaranth flour, whatever that is. So happy birthday, Helga! I miss you. A lot. Write back, please. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, I was out at my little spot where I like to, y’know, think, and Harvey came sauntering up like he knew I’d be there. “No letter today, Helga, but you won’t believe whose door I saw open. Slausen’s!” And my eyes bug and I say, “Hey! You’re supposed to DELIVER my mail, not read it!” And he starts dancing really annoyingly, “It’s gonna open, Mayor Dixie’s gonna call it! Soon!” And off he goes, singing “Someone who cares about you! Like heeee does!” I, uh, assume he’s referring to you, Arnoldo? Heh-heh. So I mosey home and wake Big Bob up and make him drive me over there. And Harvey wasn’t kidding, the lights are on and the sign on the door says opening soon, just waiting for Dixie to announce the next phase of opening the city! “Soon,” Hair Boy! Soon!! Are we still on for splitting that banana split? I await your reply very calmly. Love, Helga."

"Dear Helga, I just saw Mayor Dixie make the announcement on TV. Phase one of opening the city starts on Saturday! Restaurants can open! That means Slausen’s! I yelped them, they’re gonna open Saturday at noon! I’ll make this letter short — I ran up to the roof and I could see Harvey coming down the block! He waved, though, something tells me he’ll wait. Now I’m tearing up my room looking for a stamp. Okay! See you Saturday? Noon? Slausen’s! Banana split! Love, Arnold."

"Dear Arnold, The Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble, They’re only made of clay. But come Hell or high tide, Headless Cabbie or Ghost Bride, I will meet you on Saturday. Love, Helga."

[tessmontyart]

2020 year in review

It’s funny, last year I never actually got around to doing one of these. I didn’t think it was overly interesting. Oh 2019, how I miss you so 😭Such an innocent time ....

I’ll do a quick recap, cause hey no-one but me reads these anyway. 2019 was a glorious time. I went to Italy for the first time, went on an awesome Hunter Valley trip with my friends, had a 100th birthday celebration for my pop, I got to see the show I worked on air on TV, we saw the Lano and Woodley apartment in Melbourne .... Good times!

I didn’t give a rats about being unemployed and took matters into my own hands by making loads of new merch and selling at the most conventions I’ve ever been to. I tabled at Sydney Supanova, Adelaide Avcon, Sydney SMASH, Coffs Nexus Con, Sydney Oz Comic Con and Brisbane Supanova! I did so much travelling and events, it became my full time job. It was exhausting, but it was loads of fun, it paid the bills nicely, and it was wonderful to meet followers and mutuals in person.

My partner was very invested in counting up the numbers of what was selling and what wasn’t, and taking note of what was inconvenient with my setup and how to make it better. He even made a powerpoint presentation on what I could focus on for 2020, what kind of merch I could focus on and adding more conventions to my list. We were both excited about the idea of trying out Armageddon in New Zealand, which would have been my first overseas convention!

Cue 2020.

It started off uneasy. There were still bushfires everywhere and smoke hanging around, but I was optimistic they would die soon and the rest of the year would be fine. I booked a bunch of conventions early as usual. Got a whole bunch of new things made and ordered for the first convention of the year, Melbourne Supanova in early April. Some Acrylic charms didn’t make it in time because of COVID, but I thought that’s ok I still have a whole years worth of conventions to sell them at!

COVID-19 was just a spooky mysterious thing that was happening overseas at that point. I think there might have been 1 case in Australia, so all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer was sold out, but we were still able to do our usual travelling for the event. Little did I know, Melbourne Supanova was the first and last event I could do in 2020.

COVID hit Australia hard, Melbourne especially. There were lockdowns, quarantines, planes were grounded, airmail was halted, the cases kept multiplying, rules kept changing and changing and it was all so new and such a headache. Seeing every single convention I had booked cancel one after the other was hard to process. This was my main source of income in 2019 and now it’s up and vanished. Everyone were losing their jobs too, so the idea of getting a new job was completely out the window. 

I tried to cheer myself up by drawing ‘Toilet Paper Chan’, my new magical girl character who has the ability to summon toilet paper in a time of need 😅

I made it into a Draw This In Your Style challenge, seeing as everyone was bored out of their minds in quarantine I hoped it was something people could pass the time and have fun making. 

(here’s a handful of my favourites) I had a few entries which were all very adorable, but I admit not as many people joined as I expected. I don’t blame them though, this whole pandemic was very soul sucking and demotivating, especially hearing the constant stream of bad news when it all started.

I also made some lineart of a cute Easter girl, encouraging people to colour her in if they are bored in quarantine.

That was really fun, and I planned to do more, perhaps whole colouring books for a small price to download. 

Then, out of nowhere, my friend from the last animation studio I worked at in 2018 contacted me. “Hey Tess, are you looking for work?”

“Um .... yes?”

Work? In 2020? What?

It turns out the animation industry is one of the only industries that are doing fine in the pandemic. Literally the only change is that animators have to work from home instead of at a studio. If you have the animation software and an internet connection you have everything you need.

So my good friend had recently scored this job for a studio which outsources all their animation for their animated TV series. The role is just fixing up any animation errors inhouse to minimize the amount of back-and-fourth between studios. It doesn’t sound like much but it became too big a job for just one dude to handle, so he contacted me and 2 of my other animation friends to help out. We had a ball!

It was loads of fun, and the contract lasted the whole year! 

It wasn’t just fixing up errors either, I got to animate walking/ running / jumping / flying cycles for the overseas animators to use, which was great practice for me, and we even had a whole episode to ourselves to animate from scratch which I really enjoyed.

And then ... the year just flew by, because I was busy working the whole time. It was really quite surreal!

There were a few highlights, such as being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and organising her hens party, which is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things.

(Hens Party - it was yellow themed (her favourite colour) and High Tea.. it was adorable!)

(The bridesmaids and the bride on the Wedding Day)

Unfortunately there were some lowlights too ... This was the last year I got to see my aunt. 

She was the craziest, funniest aunt, and still far too young to go. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same without her.

As always, drawing is the only way I cope with anything. My family chose a plain wooden casket, encouraging everybody to write a message or draw something on it, before it would be sent to the crematorium. I drew Spotty, her awesome horse I remember from my childhood, surrounded by her favourite flowers. Monty draw Mingus, her awesome ferret we also remember from our childhood.

That wasn’t the only bad news either. Pat’s Grandpa passed away later in the year, and a handful of my friends had relatives who either passed away or were diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible life threatening disease. A musician who collaborated with favourite artist collaborated passed as well, and even though I didn’t know him personally, it was still horribly devastating. Not to mention all my friends/relatives pets who didn’t make it through 2020. There was just so much loss this year, and I’m still grieving my cousin and my friend’s mum who both passed last year, it’s getting harder and harder to cope. It’s gotten to the point where I’m paranoid about who the next person will be because I haven’t finished grieving the last ... 

All I can say is I hope 2021 is a little kinder when it comes to my loved ones. The small light at the end of the tunnel is; any suicidal thoughts I used to have frequently have all completely vanished, because I’ve been faced with the reality of it all. You really don’t realise how many people love you, people you don’t even know.

...

That was very dark, but it’s definitely something I needed to get off my chest.

Lets go back to a much lighter note. 

More highlights: 

🌻Animal Crossing New Horizons came out this year! I used to play Wild World back in the day so it was wonderfully nostalgic, and me and Pat have made the cutest little town with all our favourite villagers. It’s a nice way to escape from it all ^_^

(Monty’s island when we started)

🌻Speaking of games, the brand new Crash Bandicoot came out this year too! It was actually jaw droppingly amazing seeing all the awesome new ideas and mechanics they came up with while still keeping it classicly Crash. I loved it and I’m so excited to see if they give Spyro the same treatment!

🌻2020 brought about new and interesting ways to still enjoy Live entertainment. Lano and Woodley did a Zoom show which was absolutely hilarious, and Lights did an amazing online Dead End show which had me so pumped!

🌻Pat and I continued our anniversary High Tea tradition, this time trying it out at the Hydro Majestic hotel in the Blue Mountains!

🌻Speaking of Pat, his sister got married this year too, despite the pandemic. Congratulations!

🌻Pat randomly bought a Miku figure for himself, out of the blue, completely unravelling years of unnecessary ‘shame’ I’ve inherited caused by a pushy mother and a crappy ex. I used to love figure collecting but was convinced by certain judgy people that it was stupid and I needed to sell them all. I kept my very favourites in a cupboard ‘just incase they increase in value’. But now I can finally display them all again knowing Pat loves them just as much as I do!

We also added a ton more to the collection to make up for lost time (and because there’s SO MANY CUTE MIKUS NOWADAYS)

It’s a bit messy because we recently got new ones and need to make more space for them. The shelf with the Vocaloid nendoroids were my original ones hidden away in the cupboard, the rest we got this year ^_^ They make me so happy!

🌻Speaking of Pat unlocking things I’ve always wanted to do in the past: I am now planning to revive my old OCs Yui and Lotto! They were just characters of mine back in the day, but since I’m not good writing I never really came up with a story for them. But with Pat’s writer wisdom and my kawaii art style, I’m now planning a webcomic featuring the two cuties ^_^ It’s still in the very early planning stages but I’m super excited, and forever grateful for Pat, for believing in me ;w;

🌻This year I drew 31 more Owl City songs in copic markers, to go towards my ongoing project to draw every song! I’m actually getting quite close to my goal now which is exciting! 

🌻This year I went to a Drive-In movie theatre for the first time to see the new Bill and Tedd movie, it was glorious and now I wanted to try more drive-ins. Going out to see a movie on a big screen *without* being able to hear smart-asses or screaming babies? Yes please!!

🌻How could I forget, this was the year my idol noticed me!! Lights shared and retweeted my Deadend fanart! Life = made.

What to to look forward to in 2021:

This is the first New Year where I actually have an idea of how 2021 will go! I managed to secure another animation job at a new studio starting January, ending January 2022 😊So thats the financial security for this year sorted! :P

As for general goals for 2021;

I’m hoping to have a decent plan, concept art, chapter ideas and hopefully even a script done for my new webcomic! I also wanted to make some cute simple animations of the characters just because c:

I’d also like to just do more of my own animation in general ... I animate every day for work but I never get to do my own animated projects. It will be hard with a full time job, so maybe this can be a 2022 goal ... but hopefully I can do at least one little animation of my own!

I suppose another goal is to make a social media accounts for my animation, too. Even if I don’t fulfil my goal, I still would like a page to showcase everything I’ve done so far.

And if all else fails .... Another goal is to draw more Miku. It’s crazy that I love her this much and haven’t drawn any fanart!

I think I’ll leave it there because I’m babbling now. 😅

I’ve done so many of these now o_o

[2018] [2017] [2016] [2015] [2014] [2013] [2012]

[dear-space-cadet]

10 Questions Tag

thanks @musicofglassandwords for the tag!

1. Do you conciously take inspiration from authors or books you love, or from your genres? Or do you actively try to avoid it?

Honestly, yeah, I do. Considering my ventures into sports journalism, I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from Jon Bois and the SB Nation gang, most prominently the Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles. It has that exact level of surrealist realism that I aim for in my writing and that and 17776 kind of been the holy grail of inspiration for my recent writing. I kind of feel like I’m plagiarizing because Jon Bois is the only writer in the game doing surrealist sports writing, but hey, he’s a football guy and I’m a basketball guy, and he’s never written about a mascot that is out to kill the players it represents, and I don’t think he’s ever written Ersan Ilyasova as a monster hunter, either. But still. Holy grail of inspiration.

2. Do you write fanfiction, do roleplaying, or other kinds of fan activity? How do these things influence the way you create original work? Do you feel they’ve given you valuable “tools” in your “creative toolbox?”

Yes, I write fanfiction. And I’m proud of it. I’ve been writing fanfiction since I was eleven years old writing a Warrior Cats spin-off series. Nothing has helped me in the writing world more than writing fanfiction, because the world building and development is done, so you can just screw around and do basically whatever you want with it. Most of my fanfictions end up being somewhere in the realm of surrealism, realistic sci-fi/fantasy, or just straight up, old fashioned realistic fiction with some wacky variable pulled in, like, they’re all suddenly in art school *cough* itao. Fanfiction is so much fun to write, too, and it helps you learn things like plot structure, character arcs/development, and how to write an original story, especially while working in the world of something already established.

Even for nonfiction writing, fanfiction helps you figure out things like sentence structure and narrative while playing around in a completely inconsequential world. I think fanfiction might be the most valuable tool you can have as any kind of writer.

3. Do you use WorldAnvil (or something like it) for worldbuilding purposes, or do you prefer to use your own methods/systems for worldbuilding?

Nah. Most of my worldbuilding is adapted from the real world when I worldbuild anyway, because even when I delve into sci-fi/fantasy I like to keep it mostly realistic to the standards set on earth.

4. How do you choose your characters’ appearences? Do you use generators, choose face claims, make sketches, or something else?

I usually just look around on Pinterest for someone who vaguely matches the depiction I already have in my head. My characterizations can change on a whim, though, like if I see a tiktok of someone with a character’s very specific energy sometimes I can change their appearance just based on that.

5. What are your favorite tropes to read about or watch? Are they the same as the tropes you yourself most like to use in your writing?

I love whump and hurt/comfort. Even if I don’t mean to, my stories ALWAYS incorporate aspects of whump and hurt/comfort. There’s basically no escape. I love reading it, and I love writing it so I can read it later, and it’s such a habit to write it that it always just ends up being a plot point. I always have sort of a designated whumpee as well and they’re always the exact same archetype of character: that caring but silly romantic-comic relief character. Whether it’s Constantine in Forever and Ever, Amen or Andy in Sleep It Off, it’s always the exact same archetype. I’d like to switch it up but it’s always about liking what I’m writing, and I’m just not tired of this yet. Yes, most of my fics are this way as well and you can definitely pick out the archetype, but considering the vast majority of my fics are real person fanfiction, I’m not going to name names or anything.

6. Do you have a network of writer friends offline, such as a school club, writing workshop partners, etc.?

No, sadly. I have a couple writer friends and an English teacher I’m close with and I harass people for feedback but that’s really it. I’m hoping to find a community in college, though.

7. When looking for inspiration for a story, are you more likely to be drawn to visual or auditory elements? (Ex: would you browse through picture prompts, listen to music, seek out a written prompt, or something else?)

Music, always. Forever and Ever, Amen was inspired by a daydream I had while listening to Franz Ferdinand’s “Outsiders” one day on my way to school in my junior year of high school. You can listen to Caldwell and Constantine’s playlist here, if you want, because it was such an integral part of their story design.

8. Are the names of your characters and the places in your world important to you? How do you choose them?

My characters’ names usually just sort of pop up. When I was first making characters I always used sites like NameBerry to perfectly calculate a name: Polaris and Juneau and their whole little squad are total examples of this. When I introduced the Sideline Warriors, their names were all sort of randomly picked from wherever. Jacy just sort of came to me, Veridis and Voyager were Daft Punk songs, I’m an Aries, so screw it, there’s Aries. Most of the characters from Sleep It Off were either adapted in some way from real life, Kira being a slight misspelling of her inspiration’s name, Axel being named after the emo kid living in my head, Chuck being sort of a hint at my old crush, or they were adapted from songs, like Khalil (Khalil Gibran - STRFKR), Valencia (O, Valencia! - The Decemberists), and Andy (San Andreas - CVLTRALIGHT). Their names are always important, though, and I try not to reuse names as best as I can.

9. Do you utilize any personality types or tests to determine your characters’ personality, like Meyers-Briggs, enegrams, character archetypes, the four temperaments, alignment charts, the elements, Hogwarts houses, or even various types of astrology (Western Zodiac, Celtic tree, Chinese zodiac, etc.?)

I really don’t, but I definitely think about zodiac signs when choosing birthdays. Claudia is such a Taurus. Kira is a Virgo. Axel is an Aries. Andy’s a Capricorn because January 23rd came to me in a dream. Constantine is such a Leo, and Caldwell’s obviously a Pisces. You can kind of see this in each character’s personality so it’s always decided after their initial creation as a character. Make sense?

10. What is your favorite part of worldbuilding? (Ex: building cultures, mapmaking, history and timeline work, making conlangs, religion and mythology, plant and animal making, magic and technology systems…)

Most of my worldbuilding is meant to fit into the “real world,” so my favorite part of worldbuilding is probably odd quirks, like in Shitty Sixers Fanfiction, for example, Furkan Korkmaz freezing up whenever you make direct eye contact with him, or the fact that the team lives in Wells Fargo Center and lines up for Arby’s every morning, or the new NBA team called the Omaha Gophers featuring Jeremy Lin and Jimmer Fredette. It’s fun to give the story’s world its own little quirks and things specific to that universe, even if it’s fanfiction.

—

tagging @kindofwriter @klywrites @kiraawrites @fruzsiwrites @baconkat02 @h-faith-marr-writeblr @necros-writings @mercutioswriting ! use the same questions bc they’re lots of fun

[sylleboi]

𝕽𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖊𝖜𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖚𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖘𝖈𝖎𝖔𝖚𝖘 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉 | 23/09/19

During the morning we talked about how it’s important to stay up to date on blogs. It’s where we keep all the knowledge and research, so updating is crucial if you don’t want to fall behind on the content we go through in and outside of class. During the part of the morning, we then went over the things we had gone through and done over the past 3-4 weeks. (since induction day)

- Information

- Knowledge

- Understanding

- Application

This list is a process of how we are going to work when we do research. We have yet to go over it in full detail, but we have already been over the basics of it. Basically, when you do research, you find the relevant and correct information, then you read it through or review it if it’s illustrations or pictures, building your knowledge on it. After that, you then make sure you understand everything you’ve collected during your research so far. This part is vital because if you haven’t understood any of it, then you can’t do the final step; Application. Now that you have everything that you’ve researched and rathered together, you can now apply that to your own personal work. Some examples of this could be;

- Trying to replicate the style of the artwork/artist yourself.

- Write a review or essay based on the information you have gathered.

- Attempting to do a collaborative project with some other artists or friends and then gather together all the results, comparing them to each other and evaluating what is good about it, and what could be done better for next time or the future.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝖂𝖊𝖊𝖐 𝖔𝖓𝖊: 𝕰𝖝𝖖𝖚𝖎𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕮𝖔𝖗𝖕𝖘𝖊

During the first week, we focused mainly on the game “exquisite corpse”. We did this to build confidence in doing collaborative work together, as well as getting a feel for the general course- But what was the reason to why we did this in the first place? What was it based on and what was the historical context?

Well, it was linked to the topic of surrealism which is what we have been focusing on lately. On the collaborative aspect; the exquisite corpse is a game; meaning there has to be more than one player. The act of playing together is important for an animator and/or illustrator. It’s a way of pushing your imagination while having fun with it and letting go of your self-doubt in what you create. It gives you the opportunity to have an automatic approach when sketching. It’s a game so It promotes the collaborative process, helps with accepting accidents as well as being able to aid one's imagination and spontaneity.

Have we actually used this learning yet to develop our own ideas?

The answer is yes; we have much more to learn experience-wise, but some examples of using what we have been taught (referring to the exquisite corpse) - personally I have found it helpful to talk through and share my ideas with my classmates. It’s nice to get another opinion and set of eyes to go over your work. Constructive criticism can go a long way.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝖂𝖊𝖊𝖐 𝖙𝖜𝖔: 𝕮𝖔𝖑𝖑𝖆𝖌𝖊 𝖆𝖘 𝖆 𝖜𝖆𝖞 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊𝖑𝖞

The main focus of this week was learning about the german surrealistic artist Hannah Höch. She was known for her abstract work in the genre of collage. Her style of work was not only ahead of her time but also quite unusual. She was popular during the early 1920′s, which was shortly after world war one. People were left in a state of feeling somewhat depressed and saddened. Surrealistic art was one of the ways of escaping from the harsh and depressing reality of the time.

We tried out replicating Hannah’s style ourselves by doing collages to understand how she worked and to embody her motivations of female empowerment.

What exactly did we get out of doing this?

It created a reference for us to then further develop when we sketched it; continuing the process of its design, whilst following the theme of disfigurement and disproportion.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝖂𝖊𝖊𝖐 𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊: 𝕻𝖗𝖊𝖈𝖎𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖚𝖘𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖉𝖎𝖌𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖆𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖘

For this week we focused mainly on the other german artist; Max Ernst. He, like Hannah Höch, was fond of the surrealistic movement and did collages too. But opposite from Höch’s style, his work was always in proportion to reality. It looked much more traditional and realistic, with the occasional weird subject matter blended into each piece. All of his work was done with incredible precision; which was the way that he could create a collage that in the end appeared as if it was all done with a pen rather than cuttings from other artists drawings. So where Hannah Höch’s style was so different that it appeared surreal, his almost looked as if it was plausible. Yet, of course, it wouldn’t be something that could be applied to real life, but it is all in the illusion (tying into animation; the illusion of movement that isn’t real). His way of working is called merging but is also known to some as photo manipulation if you apply it to a more digital and modern way of replicating this style of work. As we did with Hannah, we tried out his style of collage ourselves; though we did this process digitally rather than on paper. Again, the finished piece of artwork we put together would then become the reference for further development through sketching. - This whole practice didn’t only give insight into how you could replicate Max Ernst’s style, but it also supported digital practices.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝕶𝖊𝖞 𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖚𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖒:

Here are some of the key ideas connected to the theme of surrealism:

Subconscious       Allegorical   Juxtaposition        Considered          Organic

    Parody                Measured       Refined    Essence               Disfigured

 Chaotic      Reflective        Established                           Incongurant

Mutated              Allegorical                       Angular            Fluroecent   Surreal

            Objective            Accidental                    Automatic

Surrealism can be identified as being something created during a dreamlike state; it’s unconscious, yet it can be controlled to some extent by drawing with your subconscious mind. Another way of describing the term surrealism would be that it’s connected as hyperreality. It’s beyond reality since it’s an artistic reflection on the real world. Another word for this would be super-real.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝕬𝖗𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖘 𝖙𝖔 𝖗𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗:

During the time of the surrealism art movement, started by Andre Breton in France 1926, there were a handful of important figures leading the wave of the movement. Some of these artists were:

- Salvador Dali

- Max Ernst

- Hannah Höch

- Rene Magritte

- Man Ray

- Joan miró

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

𝕯𝖔𝖈𝖚𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖞:

A new task we were handed today was to watch a video about surrealism and write down new information that we may learn from watching it, dates and other information that seems of importance. These are the notes I wrote:

Exploring the surreal

1924, Paris, Andre Breton, Froyd wrote a book, The unconscious mind (not aware of it) - Playful and disturbing. (Juxtaposition) Automatism and dreams. Shapes and objects. Conscious mind was better to Froyd. It’s a way of thinking and a way of transforming existence. Simulating surrealism and he believed that everything was based on sex, though he changed his mind about that later on; Sigmund Froyd. Unconscious to Subconscious to Conscious.

Juxtaposition is key to what we are working on; things that aren't supposed to go together, we put together in a way that creates something new and that works well together.

Embracing improvisation, accidents, and chance

Automatic; Drawing randomly, Unconscious to a conscious transition. It aids fluidity in one's art.

Unconscious mind

Can't control anything, randomness, Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personality.

𝕴𝖓𝖐𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖙 𝖙𝖊𝖘𝖙/𝕽𝖔𝖗𝖘𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖈𝖍 𝖙𝖊𝖘𝖙:

After we had gone through all the work we had done so far, we finished off with doing some art. We briefly went over the history and facts of the “Inkblot test” also known as the “Rorschach test” made by the Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach, in the 1960′s. It was made to be able to determine whether or not you were crazy, by looking at a series of different pictures of inkblots and then letting you describe what you see. It doesn't work, or at least there is very little proof that it does. It impulsively conveys thoughts and feelings and it’s completely based on interpretation, so essentially they just assume what’s wrong with you.

The task we were set was based on this, but instead of telling each other that we’re crazy, we would unconsciously make some inkblots on paper and then let someone else interpret each blot as a drawing. These are some of the ones I came up with:

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 1: Vegas Notes

Okay, I’m going to try to write up some notes on my vacation, mostly just the straight events of what I did and when, because I don’t want to forget anything but I also don’t want to spend five hours writing this. Plus I wrote down some emotional impressions yesterday and during the trip itself.

 Wednesday

Mostly a traveling day, but because the time change worked very much in my favor, also sort of a ‘first’ day in Vegas itself. I left my apartment at about 7:30 and flew out of Richmond at about 9:03. The Richmond airport isn’t large and I’ve flown out of it before so that was quite easy. Just had time for a chai tea latte before I headed off. I know it’s weird to be this person but I actually really like air travel, and at this point I’m even inured to stuff going wrong, so I was having a good old time even then. Even though the aisles are very narrow and the seats are small. My flights weren’t too long anyway. And for ONCE everything was even better than on time. Three of my four flights arrived early and so did my mom’s, and even my last flight, which left 20 minutes late, only arrived 5 minutes late, which is to say it was also ‘early’ except for the delay in take-off.

Anyway my first flight was to Charlotte and only about an hour, and then in Charlotte I had, like, NO TIME (from talking to a co-worker who’s also going West through CLT and from looking around online, I’ve gotten the impression American does this a lot, gives people a 45 minute layover in Charlotte), but the two gates weren’t too far from each other—farther than I’d though they would be because I had to go from C to B and my gate at B was all the way at the end—and I got in early. So I rushed but didn’t run, got there with ten minutes to boarding, and still had time to use the restroom and wait around for 10-15 minutes before my group actually boarded. So in fact it worked out well.

My second flight was almost 4 hours, which I didn’t think would be long, but it kind of was. They showed Avengers: Endgame and although at first I was just watching and listening to my own music, after a little bit, I decided to plug in and listen because I thought it would make the time go faster to actually watch a narrative. And luckily that monster is 3 hours long so that was most of the flight. I was also starving by this time, so I did in fact get an expensive sandwich on the plane, the eating of which also took up time.

I got in early, at about 1pm, but I had to wait for my mom to get in a couple hours later. I flew into D gate and it took me about an hour of wandering around just to figure out that D was a little satellite collection of stores, gates, and Starbucks, and I needed to take a shuttle to the gates where my mom would be. Once I did that, I saw her flight was early and I had less than two hours of waiting left. So I found a Starbucks with a seating area (there were only A BILLION of them, a fucking Starbucks in every aisle, more Starbucks than DC even) and had a coffee and a yogurt parfait and wrote a bit, which was fine, even though Starbucks is overrated (literally just sugar ice water after five minutes????? Why??????????????? Why is this $500 I could make this myself?). Then I went to my mom’s gate, which was in a nice place with a good view, and read and listened to music until she arrived.

We found the taxi stand, got one right away, and drove to our hotel. It is SO CLOSE. I guess because you can only carve out so much space in the desert. And literally it’s like desert all around and then Vegas, that’s it, a big entertainment center in the middle of nowhere. The landscape was gorgeous and actually the whole time I was traveling across the country I felt very… moved. And then getting into Vegas itself is bizarre because it’s literally a few very famous, very large building just rising up out of nothing.

Anyway, I agonized a lot about hotels but ended up going with an off-strip, non-resort hotel and this was a very good choice. I was pleased. For the same base price as a resort, and without resort or wi-fi fees, we got a whole fucking suite, almost as big as my apartment, with a living room, kitchen, large closet, bathroom with two doors, etc. Plus a fridge and a microwave and a dishwasher and all that. It felt like being at home right away. We spent a couple hours there, catching up, and then went out to eat at about 7 or so. We’re night people and so this felt, for us, like the sort of ‘late’ dinner we naturally want to have but know we shouldn’t—for us, a 10:30 dinner, but in reality, because of the time difference, a normal person hour dinner. Our hotel was right across from Planet Hollywood, so that was our base. I must say I also liked it right away. The fake buildings and fake sky. Even the mall part spoke to me in a strange way given that usually I find malls very stressful. We ended up eating at an Italian restaurant, which seated us in the fake outside part. The food was great, and the salad was probably the best I’ve ever had in my life. After that, we walked around a little and got our bearings, and then went home, showered, got ready for bed. I was exhausted, which was a great feeling: in my head, it was 1 am, and I’d been up since 6, so obviously I was tired, but the clock only said 10, so I felt very responsible. (It was more like 11 by the time I actually went to sleep but still.)

 Thursday

Got up at 7 all on my own, which also felt great—of course it was 10 am in my brain. Life hack for night owls: travel west! We didn’t actually leave until about 9 though, and then we had a big breakfast/brunch at the Café Hollywood in PH, where our server very nicely let us substitute like half the menu for the breakfast we wanted. They also gave me honey with my tea, which, even though I don’t like honey, was an unexpected gesture that rather tickled me. We wandered the resort some more, looked at stores and so on, then went back to the hotel. We were planning on going to the pool but it was in the sun at the time, so we rested for an hour, and then went out and floated for a time. It felt very surreal to me to be floating in a pool in Las Vegas. Just lovely.

After the pool and quick showers, we went out to dinner, at a Mexican place, which I liked although it was a lot of food—I had an appetizer and it was way more than I could eat. Then back to the hotel to rest a little. By this time, we were starting to feel that fatigue that comes with allowing oneself any time to think while traveling. Then my friend B randomly texted me, and I got into a conversation with him, which was hilarious as he did not know I was in Vegas. Very fun to answer a question “how are you” with “I’m in las vegas.”

After that was the show, from which we crawled home at maybe 11, and I guess I must have been awake for some amount of time after but I have no recollection.

 Friday

We had breakfast at the Café Hollywood again and then did some souvenir shopping. Dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and then went out adventuring. Basically I mean walking down the strip. We had lunch at the Hard Rock Café, where I had the best strawberry basil lemonade ever, and then walked down to NYNY Casino. Walked through the Park, with the metal trees, and into the casino itself, which was absolutely the most surreal thing. Like… the fake buildings do not look or feel like NYC but what do they feel like? A movie set, kinda… a stage… an adult Disney World… so fake and yet so pleasing. Street signs with famous street names just placed next to each other randomly, Greenwich next to Broadway and Broadway does not look like Broadway... and then in the middle of it all, a casino just like BAM out of nowhere. I liked it a lot but I’m not sad I didn’t stay there. I liked having my little home to come back to.

We wanted to see what the Paris one looked like, to compare, plus it was on our way back, but at this point walking back through the hottest part of the day was just…exhausting. We stopped in briefly in the Cosmopolitan just to cool down—it was very black and shiny and full of crystals. Paris itself was underwhelming; it didn’t feel like Paris, obviously, but it also didn’t feel like a Paris replica either. Maybe the comparatively interesting parts were just somewhere else, we seemed to basically be in the casino, but we were tired, so we just left and headed to the hotel at this point. We walked through PH first and I got a maple ice latte, yogurt, and banana muffin, all delicious.

After some rest, we went out again for dinner, even though we weren’t really hungry, but neither were we not hungry. For me at least, I felt like I should eat, more than that I wanted to eat. If/when I do Vegas again, I’ll do two meals a day—it works out much better. Mostly what I wanted was a huge bowl of berries tbh. I ended up with a spinach and berry salad, which was almost the same. We went outside to watch the Bellagio fountain show from the steps of PH. I kind of wanted to be closer but the streets in Vegas are so wide and we would have had to cross two to get there, and we didn’t know if we would make it. But our view was okay regardless. We also saw several groups of showgirls walking across the street, some of them in sparkly sneakers, which was adorable.

We got back to the hotel just past 9, when most people’s Friday night was just beginning. We went back to the pool, to experience it after dark, which was weird but also very relaxing. At some points, we were the only ones there. I floated for a bit with my eyes closed and felt the most peaceful I have felt in years.

At quarter to ten, we went back upstairs to shower and pack. It was sort of a let down but also I just couldn’t think about it. I didn’t want to leave and there were things I hadn’t done that I had wanted to do but I also felt like I would need at least 2 more days to do them, because if I stayed another day I wouldn’t leave the hotel except possibly to float in the pool, I was just too exhausted. We had to get up at 4:30 for my flight, and we both got to sleep fairly late, and I at least did not sleep well at all. I kept having nightmares, none of which I can remember, and randomly waking up.

 Saturday

My memories of the morning are very hazy… I had to get dressed, pack a few last minute things, stuff a granola bar in my mouth to say that I had eaten. Our taxi came up very fast after the hotel called it—literally, I was still rolling my suitcase down the incline when it was parking at the steps. And the drive to the airport was short. My mom and I said goodbye outside of security, and then I had to take a shuttle to my gates because I was, again, leaving at D. But I found everything okay and had plenty of time.

On the way back, I had a not-quite-three hour flight to Dallas first, and then a not-quite-three-hour trip to Richmond, with a 2.5 hour layover in between. So I lost two hours, and then another hour. The flights were both fine, and the layover was quite easy because the Dallas airport is very nice. A lot of signs and gigantic touchscreen information kiosk things, which told me where all the food was. So I knew right away that if I headed toward my gate, I would run into a French café first (where I had a delicious pesto pasta and chicken dish) and then a Dunkin Donuts (for some a GOOD latte and a donut, to go), and then to my gate, where I settled down with my magazine and coffee. By the time I was done it was almost time to board. We ended up sitting around for a while longer than I had wanted, and the plane got quite hot and stuffy, but once we were in the air, it was fine. I listened to music and read my magazine, and finished the article just as we were landing. My co-worker picked me up outside and drove me home, and I got back around 7 I think.

Today I have truly just been sleeping and thinking about the trip. I haven’t event unpacked yet. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off, too, because I truly couldn’t stand to go to work tomorrow, but I do think, perhaps too optimistically, that I will feel normal, or mostly normal, tomorrow.

I already miss this vacation so much but I’m so glad I went, it was honestly just about perfect, and I do feel refreshed, as a vacation should make one feel.

[iridescentwinters]

when in rome

— prompt: hey, your writing is amazing and you're awesome for taking the time to write prompts! If you want to write it, I'd love to read some soft™️ Edoardo and Eleonora content about them randomly meeting during the summer? Have a nice day x

— part two of the two-part series “summer in rome”

edo had promised ele a tour of a lifetime. and he certainly delivered.

for the rest of the summer, they had gone further from the central of Rome, to smaller parts of it and the outskirts, where ele discovered many beautiful sites and monuments. edo had also taken her to a couple of historical and art museums.

it felt as if she hadn’t stopped snapping away. everything was so beautiful, so surreal, that she was afraid that the moment would slip away if she didn’t take a photo. and whenever they returned to the familiar streets of Rome, she immediately went into the shopping centre and got her photos developed, ready to be slipped into her photo album and described as well.

among those photos, there were several edo photos. some of them were him adorably wanting to be in the shots, while others were him being photographed unknowingly. they were the most perfect shots, though, since it was either him looking at a statue or a masterpiece, and putting his whole concentration on them. him being naturally photogenic wasn’t even a question.

ele printed those out as well, double copies; one for him, and one for her album.

there were also photos of them together. some were actually even taken by strangers who had surprised the duo by asking themselves if they’d like a photo. and admittedly, they were great photos. it was also probably the coincidental outfit matching and its colours that made them seem as though they were a couple.

a senior citizen had also complimented ele and edo, saying that they were a beautiful couple. she then went on to compare them to her own relationship with her late husband.

especially after that mini-storytelling, the two didn't have the hearts to let her know otherwise.

as the summer went on, ele admittedly started growing fond of edo. of course, there was the endless flirting, but he had been a good boy so far. and he wasn’t lying when he said that he knew and has been on every street there was in Rome. because at every restaurant or café the had gone to for either lunch or dinner, he knew at least one person there. or maybe someone who worked at the museums. he was also pretty informative himself, which led her to discover that he was in fact History major.

on one of the last few days of summer, edo and ele decided on going to the beach in the evening, just to take a stroll. the sky was a beautiful shade of brown. the breeze was getting slightly stronger, which was also an indication that summer was slowly coming to an end.

ele sighed, as the two sat on the brick wall, which was on the street right in front of the beach. they watched the calm sea. “i can’t believe summer is ending.” her tone gave it away that she was slightly sad, disappointed even. usually, she was upset because of the season change, but this time, it felt as though there was another aspect that made her upset as well.

edo nodded in agreement. he exhaled a breath he wasn’t even aware that he was holding. “sucks.” he muttered, “we’re gonna be back in school, and i have finals to worry about.”

“i’m pretty sure you’re like, a genius or something.” ele said, making edo laugh. “what makes you think so?”

ele smiled, and bumped her shoulder against his. “i’ve been with you basically everyday. i’ve been noticing things.” she shrugged.

the wind blew again, and this time, it was a lot stronger than usual. edo scooted closer to the girl. “i’m glad.” he replied, and without thinking, ele wrapped her arm around his, immediately feeling warmth. “i actually hate the cold.” she muttered, “explains why i love summer, i guess.”

“i can tell.” edo chuckled. he took off his signature leather jacket, and placed it around ele’s shoulders. she gave him a grin. “wow, edoardo incanti, giving me his only piece of clothing that matters to him?” she feigned surprise and innocent, and placed a hand on her chest. “i’m touched.”

edo smirked. “wow, eleonora sava, calling me by my actual name? i’m touched.” he mocked. “must be one of the things you’ve learnt about me.”

ele smiled. “definitely. it’ll be a hard thing to remember, though.” she joked, and edo let out a laugh that she had grown to really, really like. it was nice seeing edo smile for a change. he didn’t do it often while they were in school, but when he did (which was a lot these past few weeks), it was truly a sight to see.

“i like the way you’re looking at me.”

that made ele snap out of her trance, but her secret smile was still displayed on her face. “mm?” she hummed as a response.

edo had gone a lot closer to her. his eyes kept flicking from her own eyes, to her lips. “you know…” he muttered, “i hadn’t made a move on you at all.”

“i noticed,” she teased, “and i wonder why. don’t like me anymore?”

her breath hitched in her throat when edo’s nose brushed against her cheek. it suddenly hit her that they barely had any space left between them. “you know that it’s far from that.” his voice had turned sultry.

at that point, ele barely had control over her own actions. her eyes instinctively closed, as edo’s lips got dangerously close to her neck. “is that so?” she asked, trying to regain her power.

that was impossible, though. whenever edo wanted to dominate, he certainly did so. and ele wasn’t even resisting anymore.

ele suddenly felt cold when she couldn’t feel edo against her neck anymore. he was looking straight at her with an overwhelming emotion that made her want to look away.

but she didn’t.

“may i kiss you?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

her own lips grazed over his. “does that answer your question?” she whispered.

he kissed her, pouring every single emotion he felt with her into it. and she kissed back with the same amount of force.

she hadn’t realised how much she actually wanted, needed it, until in that moment. her arm went around his neck, while his hands had caught her face in between them.

it was the kiss of the summer, maybe even of the year.

when they broke apart for air, edo kissed her neck. “you know i’m definitely not going to let this be just a summertime romance, right?”

ele smiled. “i sure as hell wouldn’t let you let it be like that.”

maybe summer had come to an end, but it was the start of something even more special than that.

[xbaepsae]

positivity tag | 2017

tagged by lovely @guksheart <3 loved, loved reading your post! thanks for tagging me :) sorry this took so long; it’s already almost march *awkward smile*

rules: write ten positive things that happened in 2017, then tag several people you love and have an amazing 2018!

1. hmm... first of all, this blog lol. even though i created this blog in august 2016, i feel like i didn't really “take off” until the beginning of 2017. that was when i started joining networks and making/meeting new friends :)

2. i changed my major! i came into college declared as a biology major--idk why lol--and hated it so much. but i stuck with it for two years because i wanted a job after i graduated. and... my parents lol. however, on a whim, i realized that life is so incredibly short to not pursue your passions. also, bts really inspired me to chase my dreams :’) so i am now an english major and stressed, but happy

3. this was the year that i really started to love myself, and it wasn't because of bts lol. i stepped up my fashion game, took more photos of myself, got into skincare, and just really stopped caring about what other people thought about me. i also have really become an advocate for that #praisintheasian thing on twitter. i think that really boosted my self love because i used to HATE being different. being asian and growing up in a predominantly non-asian community is tough and all i ever wanted was to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed, which now makes me sick to think that i hated who i was that much. but no worries--i love who i am now

4. i got bangs! that was a big moment for me lol. it was a huge change for me because i hadn't had bangs in years--like i’m talking, since childhood. but idk, i just wanted something different. and i cut them myself, which was one of the most nerve-racking experiences of my life. but the bangs were fun while they lasted. i just hated how high maintenance they were, and how i looked like i was 12, so they were only present for a few months unfortunately... but they were still cute

5. so my school has this program where students can travel abroad--a two week trip--after taking a semester long class. however, the program is really competitive and hard to get in. i had like zero hopes to get in lol. but miraculously, spots were still available and ya girl copped a spot! i am going to france and germany! i was seriously sooo happy and excited when i realized i actually managed to get into a class. and ugh--last march when i found out, the trip seemed so far away. but now it’s just three months away and i still can't believe it

6. my family adopted a doggo and my heart has never been so full. we’ve had pets in the past, but my mom really isn't an animal person. but for some reason, she randomly sent me a picture of this cute ass dog and said, “we’re getting a new family member.” i’ve never been so confused in my life lol. but long story short, my doggo’s original owners were giving him away because the wife didn't like animals, but pretended to like him just so she could be with the guy... but then they got married and an ultimatum was set. i know, so sad right?? well, her loss because my doggo--brock--is literally the love of my life... even though he’s super needy sometimes but i love him so much and would die for him

7. i mentioned earlier that i’ve started to up my fashion game and that’s all thanks to thrifting! omg thrifting is literally my favorite thing to do. i love it so much. i mean, i’ve been thrifting before in the past... but i never understood it’s true potential until 2017. my love for thrifting basically started when i realized that clothes at regular stores are way too damn expensive lol. like... who wants to pay $30 for a pair of shorts? that’s not even a lot of material. so, i started thrifting because i needed shorts for summer and the rest is history :) oooh! but i’ll tell you guys some of my fave finds: a pair of vintage tommy jeans, a super cool wilson’s leather jacket, and a shit ton of denim shorts galoreee

8. i turned 20 this past year and it was kinda crazy lol. like, im not a teenager anymore... it stills feels surreal most days. but even though i hate the thought of getting older, it’s also a great thing because it means im finally past the super awkward teenage phase LOL. jk. im still awkward; but what i mean it, i finally feel like im “blooming” into the person i was meant to be

9. in 2017, i really made it a point to spend more time with the people i love and grow my relationships with them. and i think i did a pretty good job lol. hopefully. it’s just that, life is so short friends... make everyday count

10. and last, but not least, i started posted my poetry for the world to see in dec 2017! growing up, i was never that into poetry. i mean, i was kind of interested in it a little when i was younger. i liked writing, so poetry was kind of easy for me. but i didn't love it until i got my heart crushed--not broken people, just slightly crushed lol--by a boy in 2015 and suddenly, the words couldn't stop flowing out of me. so, i’ve been writing poems for a little over two years now and it’s been so much fun! i decided to start sharing my poems because i figured, why not? lol. so maybe i’ll become an instagram famous poet one day

tagging: @kawsofhobi, @blumiin, @sunkissedmin, @taecup, @nochuism, @tiniekihyunie, @gukspoc, @19jiminieee95, @sonnenfuchs, @gujoonim, @minyoong2 & anyone else who wants to do this bc it’s two months into 2018 already so everyone has probably done this already...

[loulougoingsolo]

What happened to Santa?

The first thing that came to mind when I saw Jack Black as a guest on GMM was:“Does he know about the horrifyingly awesome Snack Jack Black cake they had on the show before?” I kind of hope he does. I also wonder if the fact that Rhett and Link once ate Jack Black’s face (as a cake) made it awkward to actually have him on the show.

I’m not gonna lie, I feel the Christmas song segment seemed a little less unrehearsed than when they did this with Miranda. I could definately see just how much the production value has gone up from those days, and with a guest as famous as Jack Black, I understand that they couldn’t just randomly select the songs or genres to perform. It didn’t make this segment any less awesome, though - it just changed the game from hilarious to epic. I enjoy hilarious, and I enjoy epic, they are different but equally excellent.

If someone didn’t already know this, these guys can sing. I could totally see Rhett’s Seattle grunge performance make it as an actual song - he nailed it! And he clearly did an awesome job with the country song, too. As for Jack Black, well, the 12 days of Christmas performance was on point, but I laughed so hard when he killed Santa during the Heavy Metal Silent Night. I hope he didn’t traumatize any young mythical beasts - Link sure looked a little shocked! 😂

I bet someone chose Link the weird Opening scene music just to make him seem silly - no-one can sing to that - but for some reason I love it when he raps, even if it’s about Santa and turns weird. I know he’s no Eminem, but he has a great sense of rythm, and he can beatbox, and…sorry, fangirl mode taking over. In a less objective thought, I think Link has the ability to bring out the authentic laughs even when the episode is not as humorous as other times. Ok, I love him.

The secrets game in the second segment was for me the more enjoyable segment with Jack Black. The conversation was totally surreal, and I still don’t know who actually won - and I didn’t really care, because I was too busy laughing at Rhett in his uncomfortable chair, and suffering from blood cravings. I also think they all played with different rules…Anyway, the inappropriate laughs Jack did were truly inappropriate. And Link never got to say much of anything when someone already got the answer. This felt like the kind of GMMore they used to have where they chatted with their guests. So, with the real More, we actually got two Mores for the price of one!

Leave it to Rhett and Link to make kids’ toys look weird. The moment they called each other daddies, I knew things would get just a little inaproppriate. Either my mind is dirtier than I thought or they pretty much talked about something completely different from just kids’ toys the whole time. And I loved it. Oh, and of course Link spanked the hatchimal to make it scream…🤣

I don’t watch any other reality shows but Project Runway and some random cooking shows, and I have to say most of the reality stars on the segment about robots creating faces were more artificial looking than the robo-faces.

There is nothing quite as underwhelming as to get your dream game or toy just to find out it sucks. But I don’t think I’ ve ever seen anything quite like the weird gun game. It was only humane of Rhett to shoot the blue thing off the board and let Link out of his misery.

It took me forever to write this post, but this silly pic took me only a few seconds to edit. I hope none of us need to hide behind our happy masks this holiday.

[writingpaperghost]

I Would Offer It Happy With a Smile On My Face (Chapter 29)

Chapter 29: Past the Distant Sky, I See a World Where Lives Collide

Everything has to end eventually. It might hurt, but it'll happen.

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860734/chapters/65176882

There is a peculiar feeling that one might experience, a feeling that could best be describe as an often inexplicable expectation that something might soon come to an end. A feeling that occurred almost randomly, seemingly unprompted. It might appear as though something was ending, though there was often little indication that anything was, nor that anything was significantly changing. It was a feeling that said something would happen, something would end, despite nothing truly making it seem that way.

It wasn’t something that could be helped, it happened unbidden. Often, it meant nothing, having no reason for its existence, simply happening. Yet sometimes, it overwhelmingly felt as though it meant something. That something was going to end, something would be ending soon. It was near impossible to dismiss, no matter how much one might tell themselves they should.

That was the feeling that Asahi felt, one cloudy Tuesday morning. She awoke with it, unable to pinpoint the source, what might have caused it. It felt like something major would happen, what she was unsure. Though she attempted to dismiss the feeling, little she could do would take her mind off it for long. Yet, it was harder to pretend it meant nothing then it was to pretend that her subconscious might have been trying to tell her something.

On the TV off to her side, the news played, currently on the weather. Cloud today, the man said, with rain later. He told that if luck was on everyone’s side, by sunset it might clear up, allowing the remaining rays of light to find their way to the eyes of all those looking. It wasn’t all that interesting, not something that Asahi particularly cared about. All she gleamed from it was that she needed to bring her umbrella if she went out, as she had little desire to get wet.

The feeling didn’t horribly distract her from what had occurred the week before, from the person who chose to pretend to be her. The one who had sent King Joe, who most likely had some connection to Kenshin. There was much on her mind, things that the strange feeling that something might end couldn’t distract her from. She knew she couldn’t let it distract her, for there were other matters far too important.

Asahi held a pencil in hand, a piece of note paper resting on the table. She found herself writing, nothing in particular, just thoughts. About everything that had happened since she came to Kurokita. About Tomomi and KPaRS, her Kaijus, Kenshin, everyone she’d met since arriving. It was almost like a letter, though there was no one in particular it was addressed to. She let her thoughts flow, occasionally erasing a word or phrase. She had no true intention, she simply wrote what came to her.

They’re all wonderful people, I can’t imagine what it would have been like to come to Kurokita without even one of them. If it wasn’t for Tomomi, everything would have been, at best, so much harder. At worst, I might not have even managed to make it this far. All of KPaRS seem so kind – and they are. They care about the Kaiju, but they also recognize that they have a duty to protect everyone in the city.

She stopped, reading what she had just wrote, smiling. It was still hard for her to truly realize that everything had actually happened. Ever since she came to Kurokita, it was like a strange story, more than anything else. Maybe it was because she was detached from everything she’d known before. She’d left her family in Ayaka, coming to Kurokita with no connections, knowing little of what was going on.

It was like she was in a crazy book or something. But despite how surreal it was, she still knew, somehow, that it was all real. Maybe that was what seemed to be ending. The surreal feeling of being in some kind of fairytale, the feeling that she might be the protagonist who could fix the world and be on her way to a happy ending. Yet, the Fake Grigio she fought before, it made her wonder. Would there be a happy ending? Would any of this end?

She wasn’t sure what prompted the train of thought, but it most certainly existed. Would she ever return to Ayaka and her family? She hadn’t a way to know, but she liked to think it was possible. Some part of her insisted it was, that one day she’d see her family and her home again. All she knew for sure was that if she ever did, she would not be the same person, much like the change she experienced over the time she’d known Saki.

Asahi set the pencil down, glancing over at the TV. It had changed from the news to something else, a children’s show of a heroes who both befriended their enemies and fought them. The heroes were colorful, coming in many colors, kind and happy for they knew their lives were what they wished it to be. Asahi didn’t watch many shows like it, she had vague memories that said she had, but she knew they hadn’t truly occurred. She was never a child, she simply had a false memories of one, memories that lacked detail and seemed as unknown as the depths of space.

Yet there was something about the show that made her smile. Perhaps it was the personalities of the heroes, or maybe it was the actions of the heroes. She wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but she decided that it wasn’t important. She picked up the piece of paper, folding it and placing it into her pocket.

Though it was dreary weather, though she knew it would probably rain, Asahi wanted to see her friends at KPaRS. It was an unusual desire, especially given the impending rain, but she didn’t mind. She grabbed an umbrella before leaving, so that she might have it on hand if – or rather when – it began to rain.

Was there a particular reason she wished to see them? No, but it didn’t matter, she needed no reason to see her friends. She wasn’t used to being around so many at a time, throughout her life she only ever spent time around a few at any given moment. It was a choice, she certainly had friends, but it was always hard to gather them all up at once. And at the time before she had arrived in Kurokita, many of her friends had become much more busy, or had left Ayaka entirely.

---

Tomomi wasn’t actually working today, but he didn’t tell Asahi that. Because though he wasn’t working on a piece in the way he normally did – and truly he wasn’t supposed to be working on anything at all – He still was doing some research. Given everything that had been happening, he had a peculiar inspiration, his focus on KPaRS. It wasn’t like he hadn’t written articles about them before, he had a few times. But he wanted people to realize how much work KPaRS has been putting in since the Kaijus had began to rampage.

He knew how Asahi could be, so he purposely didn’t mention his current project. Besides, there was a lot of things he still needed to do before he’d be ready to even write it. And… He had a feeling Grigio was probably going to creep her way into it, but that was on him.

So he made his way to where he was supposed meet with Matsuoka – to talk about a variety of things, some of which may have had little to do with his newest project. Upon entering, he found Matsuoka frowning at some papers. It wasn’t really odd, Tomomi could have sworn that Matsuoka frowned at nearly every piece of paper work he was handed.

Matsuoka looked up, giving Tomomi a smile, “I almost didn’t hear you,”

“Well that’s not my fault, I wasn’t trying to be quiet,” Tomomi laughed. He sits down across from Matsuoka, glancing at the papers. “What’s got you frowning now?”

Matsuoka sets the papers face down, a habit he’d had for years. He sighed, “Our Kaiju expert has decided to quit, citing health issues brought on by stress.” Drumming his fingers on the table, he continues, “Obviously that means we’ll have to look for someone else.”

Tomomi gives him a reassuring smile, “I’m sure you’ll find someone.” Then he frowns, “Though I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t expect a job here to be stressful…”

“It really wasn’t though. At least before the Kaiju rampages and Grigio.”

Flipping through the pages of his notepad, Tomomi responds, “I suppose you’re right…” He jots a note on the pad, sudden rise in work due to Kaiju attacks. The notes were simple, serving only the purpose of reminding him when he went to write. One ought to give KPaRS credit for managing to continue to do their job, despite the fact that they were understaffed for the large amount of monster attacks that had began to occur. “Bet finding someone will be really fun.”

Matsuoka responded with a smile and a laugh, nodding. It wasn’t exactly like those well versed in Kaiju studies were hard to find, but they sometimes were a bit… eccentric. Not to mention that despite KPaRS being what it was, there never was a lot of people jumping to join. It was often considered a sleepy job, though opinions might have changed in light of recent events.

Maybe it wouldn’t be that hard to find someone, but it would still probably be an interesting process. Either there will be many applicants, or there will be few, as it would have been before. It would probably be the latter though. As soon as things began to calm down, whenever that may be, Kurokita and everyone else would quickly forget everything. It’d be a mark, maybe something mentioned in some news articles, but it would be moved past as quickly as many other things.

What will Asahi do when everything’s calmed down? If Kenshin is defeated, then would Asahi even have a way home? It wasn’t something that could really be answered right now. Or maybe some of it could be. Asahi would want to go home, and maybe she had a way, maybe she didn’t. Somehow, Tomomi figured it would probably work out, if only because that’s the sort of thing that seemed to happen.

He decided he should probably get to why he was actually here in the first place. “So, aside from that, how have things been going?”

---

Akimitsu had a very interesting project assigned today – or at least he thought so. Write an essay about someone who inspires you. He was so excited for it, which was an odd thing to say, because who was ever excited for a school assignment, especially an essay. He even knew exactly who he was going to write it on!

If any of his classmates, friends – or anyone who knows him – were surprised at who he was doing it on, then they clearly weren’t paying attention to him. Because he talked about Grigio a lot, he had since she appeared. He always knew that Grigio was a hero and now that he had even met her, he knew she was someone who inspired him.

She could work with Kaijus to protect everyone, even actively befriending them. When Grigio fought, she often chose to pacify Kaijus instead of destroying them. She was a hero who he knew wasn’t perfect, Asahi had shown that. But no one was, and her was more than willing to find a way to write that in his essay.

Although… Given the appearance of that other Grigio, even if one of them was clearly fake, some people wouldn’t agree with him. But he knew what he believed! That Fake Grigio just wanted people not to trust the real one! But the opinions of other people might be different. That was fine, people were allowed to have their opinions, he just wasn’t going to agree with them. Which was fine. Though given how clear it was that one of those Grigios were fake, he didn’t understand how anyone could still think that way.

But maybe they were simply looking for a reason not to like her, Akimitsu knew that some people did that. So when the Fake Grigio appeared, they just jumped at having some reason to say she was bad. Or something like that.

He gets home from school, surprised to see Hiroko home. She was reorganizing one of the bookshelves in the living room, a stack of books, small boxes, and various small things on the table. It probably needed it, but it was still strange to see.

“You’re home?”

Hiroko looks up, giving him a smile, “I have today off, remember?” She picks up one of the books, flipping through the pages, a small smile on her face. If he recalled correctly, that was one of their picture books. “I know I’m working a lot, but…”

He sets his bag down, grinning, “No, it’s fine!” He rushes up to her and gives her a hug, “You’re just doing your best.”

She laughs, “Okay, alright!” She ruffles his hair, “How was school?”

“As school usually goes,” Akimitsu replied, sitting down on the couch, “Oh! We got a really fun assignment today!”

“Oh really?” Hiroko responds, closing the book and returning it to the shelf. She picks up a small box, filled with small little things. “That’s surprising.”

With a shrug, he replied, “Well, we have to write an essay about someone who inspires us.”

The knowing look she gave told him that she had a good idea as to why he was excited about the essay and who he was going to write about. Still, she inquired, “Who are you going to write the essay on?”

Akimitsu grins, “Grigio, of course.”

In response, Hiroko laughed, “Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Well! Grigio’s really cool!”

She nodded, “I suppose you have a point,” Akimitsu couldn’t tell if she was joking and poking fun at him or not. “Well, I hope you have fun writing it.”

“Oh, I will,” He said, “I’m already thinking about what I’ll write.” He picks up a little card he made as a part of a school project several years before. He had given it to Hiroko, who proudly displayed it on the shelf. Choko had a similar one, which she kept on her desk.

“Of course you are,” Hiroko returned a few more books to the shelf.

“It’ll be great!”

“Knowing how passionate you are about Grigio,” She comments, “I’m positive it will be.”

---

Asahi’s feeling, it hasn’t gone away. It still felt like something was going to happen, though she still didn’t know what. It was odd, but she could ignore it easily. She was watching as Chikako and Katsuhito worked on something, not that she was sure what.

She had some distance between her and the two, mostly because she wanted to be away from them in case whatever they were working on blew up. Given Chikako was working on it, it was a very real possibility. The two were always working on something, it felt like. Maybe it was because there was always something that they needed to fix.

“What are you two working on today?” She called to the two.

Katsuhito simply glanced over his shoulder and smiled, while Chikako turns around and waves with a huge grin. Chikako was the one who responded, “Fixin’ up our net!” She waved a screwdriver around, “Hopefully we can get it so it works twice as fast!”

With a sigh, Katsuhito nodded, clearly not surprised by Chikako’s enthusiasm. He rolled his eyes and added, “If we can get it to be more effective…” He paused, tilting his head, “Well, I guess it won’t do that much. But it might be helpful.”

“Anything that can help,” Asahi nodded, “It could make a difference.”

“Exactly!” Cheered Chikako, who now spun back to the table, causing Katsuhito to move slightly, trying to avoid getting hit one of her wayward limbs. “So we gotta make it better!”

Katsuhito raised an eyebrow, “Isn’t that what you say about everything?”

“Eh, maybe. Probably.”

Though she didn’t sound horribly sure, it was also a very Chikako answer. Asahi really wouldn’t be surprised if Katsuhito was right and that was what Chikako said about everything. The only response Katsuhito gave was an eyeroll and a small smile.

Asahi pushed herself off the table she was leaning against. While watching the two work reminded her of Isami and their mom, it was only interesting for so long. So she was going to go talk with someone else, especially since Chikako and Katsuhito were busy working. She didn’t want to interrupt them, so it wasn’t like she was going to continue trying to distract them.

So she made her way to where everyone else was, figuring that even if everyone was too busy to talk, she could still look out the window. When she entered the room, she realized that though Jun, Fuyuko, Rin, and Hisoka were there, someone was still missing. Oddly, Matsuoka wasn’t at his desk, only strange because of all of them, he was the one who was at his desk the most.

Fuyuko noticed Asahi gaze curiously at the empty desk and said, “Captain’s busy right now. Not sure what, but he should be back soon enough.”

“Ah,” Came Asahi, who just walked to sit down, “Anything interesting happen?”

Rin shakes their head, “Nope,” They scribble something on a piece of paper, “Boring as it ought to be.”

“Always good when nothing happens,” Jun adds, shuffling some papers with a bored look on her face.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Asahi leans back in the chair, “Still I… I guess I just have a weird feeling.”

Rin looks up, frowning slightly, “What kind of feeling?”

Asahi tilts her head back, thinking. She was trying to think of the best way to describe the feeling, because it wasn’t something easy to describe. “I guess it’s that weird feeling you get when it seems like something’s going to end even though you have no reason to think that.” She wasn’t sure if that was the best way to describe it, but it was the best she could do. “Does that make sense?”

Drumming her fingers against her desk, Fuyuko responds, “I think so,”

“Sure,” Jun shrugged, “I mean, I think we all know the feeling.”

“Who knows,” Rin wondered aloud, “Maybe it means something.”

Asahi shrugged, “I hope not,” She looked out the window, “I’m honestly afraid of what it might mean if it does.”

Everyone returned to their tasks, leaving Asahi to her thoughts, staring out the window. She hoped that Rin wasn’t right, that the feeling she had meant nothing. But at the same time, maybe if it meant something, that something could be important. It was hard for her to decide what she’d prefer. Maybe she didn’t prefer either.

This feeling of ending or large change, made her think. What would she do once Kenshin was gone – if he was ever gone? It was hard to say what exactly Kenshin would do, so the idea that he might eventually go away was still hard to imagine. But if Kenshin was ever gone, she’d like to go home, it wasn’t like Kurokita would need her at that point. Not that she was sure how she’d get home in the first place. But she really was missing her family.

Maybe that return would be less sudden than her arrival to Kurokita. Maybe it wouldn’t be, she wasn’t really sure. She had a feeling that either way, she’d miss everyone here. They were her friends, she didn’t really want to say goodbye, even though she knew that she eventually would have to. But one day it would happen and she’d just have to do it.

It wasn’t like there was much going on that day, though Asahi spent much of it expecting something, at least in the back of her mind. A boring day could easily change, simply from one thing happening, and she wasn’t going to put it past the sort of odd things that tended to happen. Of course, if something happened, it would probably be a Kaiju attack. But if that happened, she was ready, be it a monster or the Fake Grigio.

Asahi pulled the piece of notepaper from earlier out of her pocket, pencil in hand. She began to write, nothing in particular, once more. Maybe she could write about her Kaijus? Hm… No… Something else, then. There was just so much she could write about, so much. From Ayaka to Kurokita, there were so many amazing people and amazing things that have happened.

After a while, Matsuoka returned, giving her a wave. He sat at his desk and began to get to work on all his paperwork. She didn’t pay him much mind, though she waved in response. He had his paperwork to do, she had her random writings. At this point she had already filled out the front page of the piece of notepaper. She’d even started little doodles in the margins, her Kaijus, Grigio, things like that.

“Everyone,” Hisoka announced at some point, sounding rather tired, “Guess who just decided to show up.” He shows them the video of what was going on, no one particularly surprised to see the Fake Grigio standing about the city. They didn’t seem to be doing much this time, but as far as they knew, it was only a matter of time before that changed.

“The Fake Grigio, again,” Rin noted, their tone dry.

Jun stands looking thoroughly unimpressed, “Well, they don’t have King Joe to fall back on, so at least they probably won’t run away.” She then looks to Matsuoka, “What’s the plan, Captain?”

“We need to stop the Fake Grigio,” He responds, “Everyone knows their duties.”

Everyone nods, then rushes to what they needed to do. Asahi knows she’ll get there first, but that was fine. She had her Kaijus and it seemed like Fake Grigio didn’t have that power, so she should be at an advantage. The only thing she really needed to worry about was the Fake Grigio running away again. And like Jun said, they probably wouldn’t run away without King Joe, at least if they have some kind of goal.

She transformed, landing in front of the Fake Grigio, not summoning her Kaijus or her weapon yet. She was hoping to be able to simply convince Fake Grigio to leave, and since they weren’t armed, she was hesitant to get her own. “I don’t know why you’re here or what exactly you’re trying to accomplish,” She began, carefully watching Fake Grigio. “You can just leave and we can settle this without a fight.”

Fake Grigio laughs – something that’s so unsettling – and shrugs, “I can’t do that!” It’s like their mocking Asahi’s personality with their cheerful response. Then they summoned their bow, “I have a job to do.”

Asahi wasn’t surprised by the response, she’d been more or less expecting it. So, she summoned her sword, immediately dodging out of the way of multiple oncoming arrows. Out of the way, she decides to call on Regina and Bemstar to help her. She could always rely on Regina and Bemstar would be useful for a large amount of the Fake Grigio’s powers.

Dodging the way out of a barrage of arrows, Asahi dashes towards Fake Grigio, sword in hand. She has to continue to dodge the arrows until she’s finally close enough to stab at them. Though Fake Grigio managed to dodge out of the way of the initial stab, Asahi was able to slash at them from there. Attack caused Fake Grigio to stumble back slightly, though they shot an arrow at her. She wasn’t able to dodge the arrow due to how close it was, though it didn’t hurt her too much.

In response to Fake Grigio’s attack, Regina roared, launching her missiles. Fake Grigio was able to destroy a few of the missiles with arrows and able to dodge out of the way of several more. Ultimately, only a few missiles actually hit them. Fake Grigio fires a Grigio Shot, prompting Regina to grab Asahi and pull her away. Bemstar moves in the way of the attack, swallowing it in his second mouth. Then, he threw the attack back at it.

Regina blew her fire breath at Fake Grigio after they were hit by the countered beam. After this barrage of attacks, Fake Grigio’s form shifted, no longer appearing as Grigio. Now there stood a gold and black Alien with orange hair, with spikes on his shoulders and arms. Apparently, they had done enough damage to knock away the alien’s illusion.

The alien stumbled back, grunting. When he realized that his appearance had returned to normal, he growls, “Oh, come on!” Then he tries to straighten up, grimacing, “Tch. Whatever.”

Asahi stumbles back as a flurry of dark magenta feathers fly by, soon taking form off to the side of the alien, revealing Kenshin. Kenshin seemed to be slightly annoyed, crossing his arms, tilting his head in the alien’s direction. “I thought you said you had it handled.” Then he reaches with his foot to spin around and face the alien, “Or is one brat too much trouble for you?”

Well, that answered why the alien was here. It was because of Kenshin, unsurprisingly. Given how annoyed Kenshin sounded, it only added to the idea that he had something to do with it.

The alien huffed, “You’re the one who keeps insisting it would be easy.” Then he scoffs, “Actually, if you think it’s so easy, do it yourself.”

The alien turns, then leaves, barely giving Asahi time to register what had happened. She blinks. Then Kenshin growls, sounding unbelievably annoyed. He spins to face Asahi, giving off the feeling of very murderous intent.

“You’ve caused a lot of trouble, you know that Grigio?” There seemed to be almost a shift in personality when he spoke. He wasn’t as he had been, he sounded far more dangerous. He slowly takes a step forward, “I think it’s time we end this.”

Asahi took a deep breath, steadying herself. “I think so too.”

[lit--bitch]

Charlotte Geater, ‘poems for my FBI agent’ (2020)

(Disclosure: I don’t know Charlotte Geater, but as I’ve previously stated I am familiar with Amy Acre and Jake Wild Hall from Bad Betty Press — though I don’t particularly know them well).

poems for my fbi agent is a convoluted, multi-faceted investigation into surveillance and our present-day predicament. Who is watching us? Who is watching those who watch us? Every time an advertisement appears boasting a lipstick from a brand we were talking about just yesterday, do we still call this serendipity? Or is it evidence that we’re being observed? And is our relationship with “our agent” a symbiotic one, where we share, even indulge, in each other as voyeurs? Unlike Crispin Best’s Hello, Charlotte Geater’s collection probes more sinister pockets of Internet culture: of spy and spied.  It’s provocative, surreal and deeply disturbing. It’s also encrypted by so many different subtexts and jarring imagery, which makes this a challenging and very personal read, because it entirely depends on you and your experiences. So strap yourselves in.

Whenever I start a new book, I always read the acknowledgements first. I do this because I’m nosy. I like to make sense of the writer, I like to know who they are thanking, where work might have been previously published (particularly if it’s a poetry collection or a photobook). Because beyond the author’s name, the acknowledgements page is the writer’s final note. Afterwards, you’re flung into the book’s meat, and you’re on your own. 

I flicked to the acknowledgements and I had a look at what Charlotte had written. At one point she says: “[I thank] all of my friends, for being supportive when I said, “I’ve started writing some poems inspired by a meme that is already kind of dead.”’ I understood what she was referring to. She’s talking about memes like this: 

It’s interesting to see that we as a generation deal with a lot of our problems in meme-culture (and that is a whole separate conversation from this review). The FBI memes were one such example. They’re designed to nullify and humour our digital anxieties about being spied on. We have developed an acute self-awareness both outside in real time, and on the Internet. We know that we are constantly being watched, whether it’s through cookies or CCTV. Privacy is a luxury. It can be purchased like groceries. We’re not automatically entitled to being left alone. And that brings up questions about authenticity, self-identity, self-integrity. It throws up all kind of worries and fears, as our online presence and real selves chafe against each other. But unlike these memes, poems for my fbi agent doesn’t minimise your worries, it amplifies them. 

I couldn’t always penetrate this collection and hold myself to one specific intepretation; it flummoxed me. I was really confused by the dislocation of imagery, the subtlety of Charlotte’s writing style. It’s exactly how Sam Riviere put it: “a Lynchian rabbit hole”. The series of images, which seemingly bear no relation to each other, is quite jolting. You have to make the connections yourself, you have to look within and draw on your own references to access what certain poems “mean” (I’ll expand on this later). At one point I just sat back in bed and gulped. Because I thought “how the fuck am I going to write a review about poetry I don’t always understand?” And I was panicking because, I thought, “there’s a plethora of ways to understand this work, I don’t have to hold myself to one specific interpretation”, but I was struggling to grasp the imagery and syntax. So I figured talking to my mother about it would be useful because sometimes you need to discuss a book and bounce off one another to engage with it. So really I owe a lot of this review to her and our discussions. 

One of the most disarming things about this collection is its perturbing elusiveness. As my mum said, “I can’t put it into words what she means, but I can feel what she means”. 

A pretty good example of this (and what I mean by jarring imagery) is in ‘my FBI agent is a mathematical problem’:

and not just a philosophical one. if i ask who watches the agent  who watches me, it sounds insincere;  but let’s get down to it in our underwear [...] who does he text when he’s lonely?  who gets to see his underwear, [...]

So far, I’m with Charlotte. I too ask the very same questions. Who is keeping our agent under watch? Y’know, does it become a situation of meta-surveillance where everybody is a threat, even the ones who supposedly work “to prevent threat”, like the agent? Is the agent part of, or rather, included within the same system? Or more worringly, do they sit at the top of the hierarchy, and are therefore untouchable? 

if i type a poem instead of writing it out first it feels closer to god, by which i mean closer to you, watching me and if i am not a problem, are you there? 

The FBI agent and our traditional conceptions of “God” as omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, are conflated here. It’s true; the agent has total power and knowledge over everything we do and investigate, even the things we plan to do. The agent can wield time, can document and record. The agent can create business and yet the agent is our business. The agent can defend and attack, break things, read your mind. It’s in the agent’s “god-like” apparition (you can’t put a face to your agent like you can’t with God I guess), and in the agent’s “god-like” power, that we are wholly subservient and are most afeard, because the FBI agent knows all our conversations, thoughts, and internet searches. That access to our personal psychologies makes for an entity like that of God. And it’s all supposedly in the name of our protection, to defend from terrorism or people who might break into houses and axe us out of the blue. The question is: If we’re not posing a threat, or being threatened, where’s the need for the agent? Does the agent evaporate? Do they move only when we move? 

matter changes when it’s hit am i a problem for you yet?  the lake turned to ice improbably fast; and the custard became a rock inside your mouth. 

I mean like, lake? Ice? Custard? This is so random and strange. I sat there scratching my head for ages about this. But I’ve sort of hazarded the best guess I can. And there’s two things. Firstly, this idea about matter changing when it’s hit, liquid states and solid states. So in quantum theory, there is a  suggestion that observation affects reality. So for example, if you wanted to observe electrons and how they move, you have to get them to behave with a proton. And electrons know that they’re being observed when they’re forced to interact with protons, because their wave function changes. It’s horrifically complicated and I don’t know enough about quantum mechanics to really unpack it in detail. But basically, what it means is, simply observing something can change the appearance of how it is perceived. It can have an affect on outcomes. And I’m linking a pretty good, simplified article about this here. 

The second interpretation of this really odd image is a little easier to understand, and again relates to this “lake turning to ice impossibly fast-custard to hard rock” metaphor. So ages back, there was this Doctor Who episode (when David Tennant was the Doctor), called ‘Blink’. In that episode, they were these aliens appearing in the form of stone angel statues, called The Weeping Angels. If you get touched by a Weeping Angel, you get zapped back in time and the Angel feeds off all the energy you might have potentially lived in the present-day. They move impossibly fast. Like they can make their way from a garden into the kitchen within a blink. Here’s the snag: they only ever move when they’re not being watched. The minute you look at them, they turn to stone. They can’t even be seen looking at each other, if they are facing one another, they’ll never move again. 

I think about this episode a lot still, and whenever I watch it, it never fails to get my heart racing. But when I read “matter changes when it’s hit”, I was reminded of the clever, foolproof defence mechanism of the Weeping Angels, which renders them the loneliest creatures in the universe. There were parallels between this and the statement implied in the poem. Is it possible then that like the Weeping Angels, the agent’s movements are rendered undetectable when we try to watch them back? When we catch them in the act, say when our phone randomly opens up an app we closed, does the agent freeze? Or is it the reverse? And how lonely that must be. How alone the agent must feel. It was at this point I became more aware of how I was receiving the writing. When I thought about Doctor Who, and made comparisons from the bulk of my own references, I really tapped into the essence of the work, which is written so cleverly. 

Remember how I said earlier that, to understand what Charlotte’s getting at, you have to look within and draw upon your own experiences, in order to access the work? What I meant was, understanding the random collage of images requires understanding your own anxieties, about being watched all the time, reaching into your own pocket of knowledge, and relating all of it back to the work. Like how I drew upon my memory of Doctor Who. And it’s very much like social media, or Wikipedia. You’re constantly having to manage cookies or accept cookies, so you can continue using the programme. Likewise, you’re constantly forced to share more of yourself in order to access a level of understanding in Charlotte’s poetry. So for example, ‘my FBI agent takes me on a date’. This is Page 28. At this point, the gender pronoun of the agent has shifted. The agent is no longer “he”. “He” is now she. 

and decorates her hair with crane flies  prawn cocktail lips / when i said scare me she listened badly  [...]

[...] and I hate anything with a see-through body  plastic wings dancing no,  it’s the legs are wrong in the air like that  it’s the compartments, the exoskeleton  it’s that she doesn’t know how & she pries me open early  & she has teeth that she thinks give more pleasure at the cracking / she says i will like it 

that she has heard fear / makes us braver people in the end & she eats from within

You can feel the discomfort, the repulsion, in this poem so keenly. Sentences like “& she pries me open early // & she has teeth that she thinks give more pleasure // at the cracking / she says i will like it”, it’s so menacing. I could vividly picture the clacking of plastic wings, the sensation of sharp teeth, the cracking. It’s just horrible. And when you try to think about what a “date” is, and what that means when it’s with an FBI agent, you get something really odd, intimated by the gender shift of the agent to being “she”... When I read this transition, I saw it as an indication that ‘I’’s conscience had evolved. At some point, we become so self-aware of everything we say and do online, that we develop the objectivity like that of the agent. If I’m to assume that the ‘I’ is a she here, it’s arguable that and that the ‘I’ and ‘she’ in ‘my FBI agent takes me out on a date’, are the same entity. 

I think this poem implies that as we reveal more of ourselves online, the acuteness of our self-awareness intensifies. We become our own agents, we assimilate the role of our watchers and watch ourselves. We become transparent, as we study our profiles through our own focalisation. This, to my mind and my mother’s mind too, is the “exoskeleton” that Charlotte resents. It’s the imagery of self-consumption, the self-destruction in laying yourself bare to the world, where in turn it’s you that becomes the meal, it’s you who dates yourself, it’s you who tucks into yourself. We become indiscernible from watching and watched, and in these inexactitudes, we end up disorienting ourselves. We have to share so much in order to be able to “progress” or access sites or information we need. It’s parasitic. This is what Charlotte means by “she eats from within”. As though we’re the parasite and the host, we eat of ourselves. 

Other perplexing images: ‘my agent, a rational object / the same size as a mannequin’ (from ‘my FBI agent takes a holiday’) I found this image really wonderful and so apt in defining the agent’s agency... The mannequin is like, your anonymous blank slate. You change its clothes, it remains the same sculpture. It’s something you imprint, and it projects what it wears, how it wears it. The agent being depicted as a mannequin is again, another non-sequitur of a metaphor in this poem, but it makes absolute sense. The agent’s identity is subsumed in the person they surveillance. The agent is in a strange way, our personal twin, which is basically saying, we’re bonded. 

This symbiotic relationship is reflected on deeply throughout the work, oscillating between the way we are watched, how we watch, and how we watch ourselves. Take ‘my fbi agent doesn’t like to read’:

i read a lot of ebooks because i am always thinking  of him                           and his lack of access to an academic library  marxist monetary theory  kate millett’s sexual politics william morris biographies  [...]  i like to read through his eyes 

This is a profound image. As if the agent and the ‘I’ here are sat together. Whatever ‘I’ indulges in for reading pleasure, the agent indulges in also. Ultimately this is not a space that the agent is invading, when we’re aware we’re being observed. Like in those ‘fbi’ memes, we welcome the agent in, to laugh, to trust that everything, as uninnocent as it all is, is still ultimately innocent. No harm, no foul. So with that assurance, we make do with their elusive presence, content to let them read over our shoulders. 

One perplexion I do have about this work, and perhaps it’s an intentional move from Charlotte, is the inconsistency of grammar and capitalisation. Most of the poetry is written lowercase, it reads like the way we text. But every now and then there’s the odd full stop, or comma or semi-colon, that just doesn’t seem to sit right, and I wonder what the motivations are behind introducing punctuation at certain points. It’s something to think about when you’re reading the collection. Similarly with capitalisation, the book cover title is in lowercase “fbi” whereas all the poems are in the uppercase acronym: “FBI”. Funnily enough when you type ‘fbi’ into your phone, it will autocorrect it to uppercase. So that was an interesting distinction I found. Ultimately I don’t think this writing is yearning to read entirely like a text message, it is inviting punctuated sentences, grammar, clever choices in the positioning of semi-colons. But it’s not always clear why they appear within certain poems at particular points, and I question the impulse behind their inclusion. The form too, is fairly consistent, bar ‘my fbi agent talks me through my facebook ad settings’ on page 14, which really experiments with sentence length and the ‘/’:

i say: is this how you see me?  birthday in october / close friends of men with a birthday in 7-30 days / close friends of ex-pats / commuters / gmail users // 

i want to know about data in poetry when it’s bad data & i want to know about how you see me in these systems when they’re bad, i don’t mean morally, i mean shitty, incomplete, i mean you know too much and it’s all worth except. except for the ways in which it works for you. 

I perceived the ‘/’ here as not just a spacer. I think of it as an imitation of a navigation menu, the “clicking and loading” from one page of information to another. The writing itself also stretches right across the page, like it would across a computer screen. The best way to edit your Facebook ad settings is on a computer, not a smartphone device. And similar to Crispin Best, Charlotte’s line breaks often occur less than half way across the page of the book, imitating the dimensions of a phone screen, again. But in this poem, there’s more elongation, there’s more steps. For that reason, it really stands out and it’s also one of the more clogged pieces in terms of its references. The random assemblage of information pertaining to the ‘I’ and their profile, problematises the way information is harvested on social media. It’s loads of ubiquitous, vacuous crap which is all vested in the same person, but ultimately means very little. The only connection in having a birthday in October and being close friends with ex-pats is simply in the ‘I’, here. But there’s about a bajillion other people out there who could have the same thing in common. This poem is a criticism of the conjectures that the agent makes based off watching everything about us. What is the point in having all this crap on me? How boring. How confusing. 

I understand now why I lack conviction in a lot of my own thoughts about this collection, and it’s also why Charlotte Geater is incredibly talented. Everything in our world is open to reasonable doubt, even more so with technology. That same notion is integral to this collection’s thematics—we doubt who we are, we doubt what we do, we doubt what is around us and worst of all, we know that someone is recording those doubts and documenting them as evidence. The fact that Charlotte can recreate our digital anxieties, forcing us to think and overshare with ourselves so we can access an understanding, in the same way that the Internet does, that’s powerful. That is a technique. 

poems for my fbi agent articulates something much greater than ourselves, and yet we have the power to dispel of it whenever we want, collectively as a species or simply as individuals. Otherwise, morbid consequences follow (and are already a reality): ‘your coffin / is there / for the rest of your life’. This absolutism of our persona’s enduring presence that remains long after physical death is the ultimate artifice of reality, and immortality. We’re never truly dead and gone, we’re never really buried, when the evidence we lived is always there. 

It took me time to wrap my head around it, and tbh I don’t think I’ll ever totally wrap my head around everything, but I loved this collection, and I’m interested to see what Charlotte produces next. This is an incredible debut with an amazing press.

If you want to read some of these amazing poems in full, you can view them in some of Charlotte’s previous publications here, here and here. Or you could skip the bullshit and just buy this amazing work at Bad Betty Press, and follow Charlotte on Twitter.