#though i kind of burnt myself out on souls games recently

[asleepinawell]

lands between hacker voice: i'm in

[thedandelion-writer]

congrats on 600! may i request a matchup with a male from genshin? i’m an INTP, i’m an analytical and blunt person who likes to tell things as they are. i’m generally seen as intelligent and knowledgeable when it comes to going on tangents on subjects of interest but i am a burnt out gifted kid :,D. i’m a peaceful and trustworthy person who takes relationships slow and at my own pace, and am able to offer words of affirmation when needed, i’m generally seen as everyone’s budget therapist ahaha. i may have some trust issues but am overall loyal and devoted to those i love. i could be brutally honest at times although i don’t mean any harm, i want the best for everyone around me. my favorite date places are where i can be alone and comfortable with my s/o like stargazing, playing video games together, looking at the sunset, etc. i’d like to see my possible other matchups too, thank you so much! ^-^

A/N: Thank you! And yes yes of course you can! This was one of the ones I had lots of fun writing and honestly, I had half a mind to turn it into a fic but if I did, I wouldn't have a good idea for this matchup so here we are. Ending was a bit abrupt because I promised myself I wouldn't make these things so freakishly long (*ahem* Childe matchup).

But without further ado, you're going with...

Zhongli!

My reasons!

Alrighty, first off, I chose him for you because I do think that you have similar attributes to him. Zhongli is also a blunt person, and I hope that the straightforwardness in the relationship can lead to good communication! As you know, he will never miss out on a chance to share some knowledge with you, so you guys can discuss whatever it is that tickles your fancy as I think he won't mind being the listener once in a while either. I don't think he'd really rush into anything, so if you want to take things slowly he'll match your pace. He'd appreciate your peaceful, trustworthy, loyal nature and he would return you with the same qualities. I also don't think he'd pay your occassional brutal honesty any mind. I think he would like one of those conversations where you talk about things and just say what you think. My other choice for you would have been Albedo and even though they'd both work just fine for you, I did prefer the broke archon in this case. So I hope you did too :)

The First Date:

You and him enter and you almost forgot that this was a museum, not a library

The air smelled musty, 'If history had a smell, this what it'd be like' crossed your mind

"Which area would you like to go first?" Zhongli's eyes wander across the ceiling which were painted with intricate tales of Ancient Liyue, in its age of gods and monsters

You hummed thoughtfully before answering,"let's go from left to right!"

He nodded and off you went

The usually crowded museum was quiet today, without its usual packs of children on school trips, seniors and adults alike. Today, the atmosphere was hushed, the air conditioning blasting cold, dry air.

You were grateful for that since you'd be able to spend some time with him in peace. And it felt like you rented the place just for yourselves

Arriving at a row of glass cases, your eyes scanned the tabloid next to it. It read a brief passage about the adeptus that once governed and protected Liyue Harbor.

"Who are the yakshas?" You asked, turning to Zhongli who was staring intently at a display of broken masks and a jade spear that did not look like it aged at all.

"Coincidentally, I've read about them in a book recently. They were summoned by the God of Liyue himself, Rex Lapis, to purge evil through slaughter. Alas, they were all driven to madness by the karmic debt they accumulated."

"All except for one, who lasted longer than the others. Alatus, who was given the name Xiao. He is...an interesting one if I do say so myself." Zhongli pressed a palm onto the glass right above the spear.

"They were such pitiful souls," a weight settled into your heart as you thought about it.

"Legend has it that Alatus still roams to this day," you recited off the tabloid. "Well that's a cool myth. If it were true he'd stick out like a sore thumb!"

Zhongli smiled at your little comment, and you both move past statues and paintings of more adeptus to stop at the exhibit of Rex Lapis, aka Morax.

"To think that beings like these used to exist," your voice was tainted with wonder.

Pulling the urge to run your fingers down the thousands of scales that run across the statue of Morax back, you saw Zhongli reading off the tabloid.

"He was the one who made mora, right?" Your sights set on a display that said "world's first mora".

"Yes, that's right." Zhongli moved a little closer to you to also take a look at the shing catalyst.

"Wow, he must've been really rich then? Even richer than Lady Ningguang of the Jade Chamber even."

Zhongli chuckled,"you are probably right."

The rest of the time, you both made rounds throughout the building, never missing one area, making sure to read every tabloid, to see all the displays.

Sometimes, when your shoulders brush every time you or him leaned in to look at the same thing, you suddenly could no longer focus or remember what was it you were looking at.

Which was fine because Zhongli did not look affected at all. He was way more into it than you thought, as if looking through an old album. It was a strange feeling, but you brushed it off as him enjoying his interests.

He always liked this kind of stuff anyway

When you finally got your fill of history, the sun was already setting, swathing the cooling sky in a bruise purple and and cheetos dust orange

"Are you hungry? Let's get something to eat."

Zhongli was happy to go along with your suggestion and you both decided on the restaurant that was right next to the museum.

It claimed to serve traditonal Liyuean cuisine, using recipes from the olden days.

There was a stall where you ordered with a kitchen behind it and the tables and chairs were splayed out with the sunset as the backdrop. The strings of light flickered to life as the evening settled in.

"Y/N, I recommend a pot of slow cooked bamboo shoot soup," Zhongli's voice was closer to your ear than your ear than expected, causing you to jump a bit.

"Huh? Oh yes yes--you know best when it comes to these things, order anything you want! Surprise me," you tried your best to cover the blush that was slowly, inevitaby spreading across your cheeks.

"Oh? Alright then, I won't disappoint," he said, gingerly plucking the menu from your hands.

And he was right. Everything that came on the table turned out to be so delicious! It made you regret how fast society changed. Your thoughts suddenly wander to how your life would've been if you were born in the time that the museum preserved.

You wonder if you'd know Zhongli then too?

But you were snapped out of your daydream when he, quite frankly and without a hint of panic in his voice, told you that he left his wallet in the car.

You couldn't help but laugh and said,"if you were Morax, could I just ask you to make money and it'd appear? No wallet needed, ever!"

Zhongli shook his head, laughing with you. You confirmed that yes, his laugh alone is in enough to send your stomach twisting in knots.

[aminiatureworld]

omg bern hello !!!! it’s been awhile omg but aaa how have you been doing?? also god i could feel you when you said you wished you had kokomi- i got kokomi on my alt but didn’t on my main even when i tried pulling so many times 😃 she must be mad at me for giving my everything to raiden ksksksks —blue

Answering this during a game of Windtrace might not be my smartest move, but hey we're killing time!

Helloooo! I'm doing alright, and I hope you're doing well too. Also also, this is my reminder to respond to the recent tag games you tagged me in. My head isn't stuck on right! (Also I realized that I wasn't your mutual which I am very sorry please have mercy on my dumb soul).

You really aren't kidding when you say it's been a while. I guess I kind of burnt myself out, and then with all the stuff going on in my personal life, it's just been busy. I'm glad to be back though, playing Genshin properly for the first time in weeks has been so refreshing and nice, though I'm sad now I missed out on so much, since I was barely active. I did play the story events at least though, so I got to experience all the potential Albedo angst of the December event. Honestly, I could write so much about it, but I realize that you probably don't want to hear too long of a tangent.

But ahhh Kokomi. I'm still so irritated I got Keqing instead of her, especially since it was a constellation and she was only at level 50 at the time - idk I never got super comfortable playing with her. I know that a lot of people complained about her kit but as a super reckless player I can never get enough healers. And catalysts. I may love polearms the most, but honestly catalysts are probably better for the health of my poor characters (rip Hu Tao).

I hope that despite the negative reception she gets a rerun, I would love a second crack at her. I also wish I had her and Qiqi as I think that would be a really interesting tanky team. Maybe Kokomi, Qiqi, Hu Tao, Bennett? Or swap Bennett with Zhongli. Of course I have neither Qiqi nor Kokomi, but one can dream.

I hope Kokomi forgives you for choosing Raiden (I'm sure she will eventually), and may we both be more lucky next time around! Until then, I'll just have to pine in secret lol. Congrats on getting her on your alt though!

[ngame989]

SVTFOE: A Retrospective

Happy Mama Star Day!

OK, first and foremost, a quick update on TGG: I plan to have something ready for at least one of the major anniversaries coming up, and hopefully will resume slightly more regular updates from then forward. Thanks to everyone for your continued support, it’s been a rough year so far for me personally and for everyone in in the current pandemic situation. The anniversary of both STH and Mama Star seemed like a fitting time to get some things off my chest, both good and bad, so I’ll do that now and get it out of the way to focus on bigger and better things in the future. Fair warning, this is gonna be long and rambly and personal more than it is any sort of serious show analysis. If you’re looking for fun, feel-good celebration of what definitely were some of my favorite moments in the series, I’m not so sure this is gonna be the post for you.

It goes without saying that Star vs the Forces of Evil, for better or worse, is incredibly important to me and has been without fail for years. How are you supposed to feel when something that important lets you down so hard? Is having such strong, mixed emotions and attachment better than having nothing you care about at all? The past year hasn’t answered these questions for me, and this post certainly won’t either. There’s no thesis or likely any kind of closure here, just me baring a bit of my soul here on tumblr dot com.

It’s been a rough year or two for me. I don’t want to get too much into the specifics, but let’s just say I hit a crossroads where the entire path I’d envisioned for myself in life came into serious question, and I had been spiraling into depression and paralyzing anxiety over a complete lack of any fulfillment in my “professional” life for months before I even recognized it for what it was. Season 3 finished airing around the last few months of my undergraduate degree, which (while obviously it significantly emotionally impacted me) was a generally happy and stable time in my life. As things started to change and get worse for me, SVTFOE S4 was my ray of hope. I’m not kidding when I say that some days in the hiatus leading up to it, the thought of S4 delivering on its potential for emotional fulfillment and Starco goodness (consistently, not just at the end) was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning and the only positive thing I could see in my future. 

When we got the S4 we got, it shattered me, utterly and completely. This isn’t an attempt to dunk on S4 in some “objective” manner - hell, I even like a lot of the things about it that the fandom despises (the ending prioritizing character closure over lore, the upheaval of the political structure rather than just having Star become the Goodest Queen, etc). I’d still make the argument that a lot of the character development was very flimsy and poorly paced, a very clear effort to force the relationship resolution to be delayed until the end at all costs, but that’s not the point here. Life felt dull and lonely and warm fluffy Starco was my vicarious escape from that, and the season we got left me so completely hollow insid that it felt like I couldn’t breathe for its first more-than-a-dozen episodes, and I was so burnt out that I couldn’t even properly enjoy the parts that were genuinely good.

Even earlyish on, I was already fearing that things wouldn’t be resolved till the end and that there’d be almost none of the content I actually longed for from the show. As I’ve mentioned before, The Greatest Gift was born the morning after Lake House Fever’s late night release, out of salt and spite and a need to give myself something good to look forward to, even if it would be something I’d be making myself. I completely removed myself from even passing conversations with my best friends in the fandom because it hurt too much to even think about. I even had Seddm give me summaries of episodes before I watched them so I could take some time to emotionally prepare (at least until the 2nd to last week). And to the show’s credit, its last few weeks of episodes (with some exceptions) tried their absolute damnedest to right the ship (pun intended) and bring back the sorts of things I wanted with a vengeance. I was smiling like a complete fool for 12 hours straight after Here to Help. The ending didn’t fix my issues with the show, not by a fucking long shot, but it at least left me on a positive enough note that there was a feverish enthusiasm to continue it further on my own.

But it’s been tough. Have you or a family member/friend ever gotten bad food poisoning from a restaurant you really liked, and the smell of it makes you queasy afterwards even though you do really like it? That’s probably the best analogy I can draw to a lot of my relationship with SVTFOE since it ended. PLEASE NOTE I’M IN NO WAY TRYING TO EQUATE THE MAGNITUDE OF MY IRE WITH A CARTOON WITH SERIOUS DISORDERS THAT PEOPLE SUFFER FROM, but I’d almost be tempted to liken it to PTSD. Seeing reminders of the painful parts can put me in a bad mood for hours, and on some days even just dwelling on the show in any way will invite creeping negativity and “why the fuck couldn’t it have just-” types of thoughts taking over. There have been some days writing TGG where having to draw inspiration from or reference events/dialogues in S4 was so emotionally taxing that I had to stop writing for the night. I blocked Seddm’s entire askbox tag because I’d find my own emotions frothing into a rage over things in the show people would bring up. I’ve lost acquaintances and potential friendships over my bitterness. I instantly block anyone who posts even a hint of Tomstar/Kellco content in the Starco tags on any site because it induces such palpable negativity in my heart - I think I’m up to 1000 accounts blocked on Instagram right now, which is why Toxic runs the TGG page over there. If you’re one of the people out there that tried to strike up a conversation with me over a shared interest in the show and I vomited bile into your DMs, I sincerely apologize. And to anyone who got wrapped up in the brazen high hopes I put forth here every day as S4 approached and came crashing down with me as a result, I’m sorry for that too.

And yet... I can’t say there’s not a genuine love I still have for a lot of it. I still have my little shrine of stickers and pictures that I’ll sometimes just get let myself get lost in. There was a recent postcanon fic started by someone who just caught up on the show that brought such a depth of warmth into my chest that I’m smiling like an idiot just now thinking about it. I haven’t watched even a clip (let alone a whole episode) that Star and Marco’s voices in my head feel distant and abstract, but when I’m writing chapters I can still get emotional imagining them saying and doing things out of their devotion to one another. I’ve made no secret that I (to put it very very very lightly) have a strong distaste for the vast majority of this fandom, and yet the joy of knowing I could make people’s days or lives brighter gives me a satisfaction I can’t put words to. Don’t get me wrong, writing quickly just isn’t my thing normally anyway - I’m not trying to suggest that the sole reason for TGG downtime is that I’m driving knives into my own heart and pouring my blood onto the page. Just that that’s part of it, and it takes its toll. 

The last few months, although I have missed the joy of brewing up fluff ideas and seeing them come to life, have admittedly been a welcome reprieve just not having to think about this stuff so much. In the last few weeks I’ve finally been coming around to a bit of a better place where the good bubbles up without bringing as much of the bad with it. It will likely still wax and wane, and I can’t guarantee if or when TGG will fully finish. And this isn’t my entire life - I have MMOs and card games and all kinds of other hobbies that suck up lots of my time, so don’t worry about me just lying in bed sobbing over S4 for 12 hours a day. I don’t know if the day will ever come when I can truly be at peace with it all, but I don’t want to toss out the good with the bad. All I can ask is for your patience as my own journey evolves alongside my writing, until the day comes when perhaps this story can finally come to a close. Thanks for reading, and stay safe.

Ngame

[magica-witch-project]

my wish would be to be able to make myself and others happy! i'm very sleepy and slow all the time, but if i can focus on something i can be very passionate and energetic! i tend to be very protective of my friends and love sweets, gaming and drawing and work better under pressure. i'm also a very jumpy person and i'm very much a "go with the flow" and "whatever happens, happens" kind of person, though under the surface i am still quick to anger, like lava bubbling under the surface of a volcano

So, this asker has recently contacted me wishing to update their wish and personal info, so the wish I will actually be writing is “I wish I didn’t have to rely on others to be happy”

Your magia form is all pastels- pink, mint, and yellow. Your top is mint, ruffled and short sleeved with an elastic neckline. The top is tucked into a pair of yellow shorts, part of which is covered by a pleated pink half-skirt. Your soul gem- an oval-shaped yellow stone- is fixed to the center of the neck of your shirt, surrounded my delicate pink embroidery. Your weapon is a shiny gold blowgun with feathered darts that match the colors of your outfit. You pair these with your newly increased speed, making your battle tactic one of quickly chipping away at your opponent. You aren’t the most powerful fighter, but your comrades are still drawn to you- perhaps it’s the infectious happiness that emanates from you? A side effect of your wish, you suppose. Life has definitely gotten much better for you since you became a magia- everything feels so much more satisfying to you, and your friendships have never been better without the stress of relying on them for happiness. You even feel less sluggish in your day to day life, which is nice!

Of course, all good things pass with time. Being a magi is absolutely taxing, both physically and mentally. It takes a while before the reality of your situation gets to you, but all of these losses pile up. The questions from your friends and family, the injuries, the bystander deaths, all of them chipping away at your happiness and replacing it with bubbling anger- all you wanted was to be happy! Why should you have to suffer for it! This comes to a head with the death of one of your fellow magi during an incredibly tough battle. Bloodied, scared, and angry, you feel your molten-hot tears streaming down your face as you descend into witchdom. You are now Veila, the smoldering witch. Her nature is seething. Veila’s barrier is hot and hazy with sinus-burning smoke. It seems to be the burnt-out ruins of a small village, covered in the ashes of its own ruin. Many of the misshapen buildings of the area are still flaming in some areas, but much of the damage has already been done. Veila shambles through the center of it all, a massive creature built of red-hot coals that pulse gently with the wind. The best way to defeat this witch is from a distance to avoid touching Veila’s blisteringly hot skin. Upon defeat, Veila’s body will fall apart and a gentle rain will begin to fall, putting out the flames as the barrier fades from view.

Thank you for the wish! If you want anything changed please let me know. I wish I had some good advice to give you, but I struggle with some of the same issues. The best thing to remember is that friendship is a two-way street- it’s totally okay to rely on your friends to cheer you up, especially if you do the same for them! I wish you happiness in your future, from yourself or from others. Much love!

-Mod Mami 🔥 

[a-patheticapathetic]

ID - The Background World

Nine Inch Nails - Add Violence

It’s been probably about 3 years since I’ve written one of these single-song music video ideas down, given that I haven’t done any since starting Film for the Blind. And I’m not necessarily stalling that, by the way. I have a pretty good idea on how to finish God is in the Radio, a decent amount of planning for Another Love Song, and the end of that album is what I’m really looking forward to. In the meantime a lot of my creative energy has been going toward writing music (yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!). But recently this song has been giving me a lot of ideas that I don’t want to keep cooped up in my head any longer. Let’s go.

The song (as well as the rest of this fantastic EP) is about simulation theory - the idea that we live in a simulated reality, controlled by unseen and likely malevolent forces that can end, reverse, or restart us at any moment. The music video will tie in directly to that. 

The intro begins with a close-up of the main character (details, appearance, etc up to you) sleeping in a void. They face the camera straight-on and vertically, although they appear to be sleeping on their side. As the intro progresses to the verse, their room beings to appear around them as the camera slowly zooms out. It isn’t a smooth fade; objects and furniture glitch and render in individually, like the textures and models from a video game. The character begins speaking with the lyrics, and opens their eyes with the bassline. Some things are still popping in behind them. At the line “What am I supposed to do?”, they begin to get up out of bed. The camera tracks and rotates with their torso as they do so, making it look like the world is turning around them. They throw on a proper shirt and pants, and head out of their room, turning 90 degrees into a hallway. The camera does not track this horizontal rotation, and so we change to a profile view of the character. 

At the line “I’m going into you again”, the character reaches their kitchen/living room, which has a large window facing the camera. Here we are introduced to the world of this video. It is a soft kind of cyberpunk; no flying cars, no cyber police, no body augmentation. Technology seems to be only a couple of decades ahead of what we have today. The main difference is in presentation. The window shows a cramped, choking cityscape of obsidian black buildings with bright multicolor stripes. Cars and aboveground trains move at a frantic place, all colored different shades of white and grey. It’s impossible to see the sky or even tell what time of day it is due to the frequency of monolithic skyscrapers; the only indication of weather is the rain coming down. Many of the appliances in the character’s apartment share the black/white with monochromatic stripe design of the infrastructure outside. It is clear that it is a dystopia, even though no crime, dirt, or suffering is immediately apparent; it just looks devoid of soul.

The character goes through a routine that is absurdly sped up due to the smart devices in their kitchen. Coffee pops out of the counter as they enter the room; they grab it without even looking. A news station appears on one of the walls and many other screened devices turn on. The character ignores them all and goes to the window, staring out into the city. At the beginning of the line “ I will keep myself awake”, they turn away, putting the cup of coffee down without drinking any of it. They grab a messenger bag from a couch or jacket rack, step into their shoes, and exit their apartment. The door closes itself behind them and appears to lock with two blinks of a red light on the handle. They walk down the hallway and get into a glass-encased elevator. It goes up without the press of a button as the strings come in and song transitions to the next verse.

This shot begins with the camera facing directly at the outside of the elevator doors as the character comes out of them, no longer mouthing the lyrics. They move towards the camera, which keeps a constant distance. They walk down a long hallway which appears to be lit well, despite the lack of light sources above and the seemingly flat black side panels all along the walls. As the verse plays, the camera slowly rotates 180 degrees around the character at a constant speed. The rotation is synchronized with the song; when we reach the full 180 (viewing from directly behind the character), it will be exactly after “...is always bleeding through”. As the camera rotates around the character, it is revealed that each black panel on the wall is actually a pane of polarized glass. Each one only lets light through when viewed head-on, from a perpendicular angle. So when we are viewing our character from the side, we are able to see out the window. Outside it is a grey-blue cloudy morning. We can see this now because we are far above the skyline, and although there are still several black spires visible, they all appear to be shorter than the building the character is in. 

The character walks down the hallway briskly, and with intention. As they do, they begin fiddling with something inside their bag. A little over halfway through the verse, the hallway ends at an an automated security checkpoint. The character quickly and smoothly drops the bag onto the conveyor belt while keeping something hidden in the palm of their hand. They appear to press in on the object as it goes through the scanner, immediately dropping it down the sleeve of their shirt as they raise their arms and walk through the detector. A couple of rings rotate around them for a couple of seconds, but no alarms sound and they continue walking through. They drop their arms, subtly catching the sleeve object in their hand again, and pick up the bag from the opposite end of the scanner in one fluid motion and without breaking stride. After rounding a corner, they release the breath they had been holding, and drop the object into the bag. They come to a closed black door with a keycard scanner, and after a look over their shoulder, they pull something metal out of their mouth and begin working at the handle. They are noticeably shakier and less self-assured at this point, but after a moment of struggle, they manage to turn something in the handle. They then reach into the bag and pull out a palm-sized circuit board covered in various electronic components, before waving it in front of the scanner. A green light turns on above the door and the character immediately opens it and quickly disappears inside. In the song, the door closes behind them exactly before the first “Are you sure?”.

The screen is black for this second, aside from an oscilloscope-like white line stretching across. It reacts the the audio of the song as a waveform. When the drums come back in, the camera begins panning to the right of this wave, at a slow and fixed pace. 

We are now in another profile view of the room the character has just broken into. In contrast to the city outside, this room and all of its equipment looks like a computer lab from the mid-20th century, complete with beige walls, square ceiling panels, and massive yellowed plastic computer towers. There are only a few sputtering fluorescent lights left; the rest are burnt out, casting the room in dark shadows. The character makes their way over the old dust and cables cautiously, and they appear to be looking for something. The camera does not follow them now; it continues dollying right at a constant pace as the main character ventures further into the room. As the camera reaches the far end of the room and stops, it reveals that the last monitor at the end of a long table is on. The character notices this and quickly makes their way to it. The camera zooms in slowly on the screen. It’s covered in dust and unreadable until they wipe the screen, revealing three words in blinking red text: ARE YOU SURE? The character reads this and looks down at the keyboard, locating that old L-shaped enter key. They hesitate for a moment, before pressing it. 

Immediately, the screen goes black and shuts off. The lights then begin to flicker more seriously, and the building seems to shake slightly. The character stands back for a moment in waiting before the building begins shaking more violently, prompting them to hurry back to the door and leave. The camera does not immediately follow, staying on the now empty screen as bits of plaster fall from the ceiling and the light of the opening door stretches over the keyboard. 

At the third “Are you sure?”, we return to following the character’s torso, now outside the room. They walk cautiously at first, but as the shaking continues they give up the pretense of innocence and start running. It’s fine, as all the security measures seems to have lost power. The walk-through detector is blocked because the metal rings are stuck in place; the character instead jumps onto the conveyor and vaults over the scanner to get past. They sprint down the long corridor, now panicking. We reverse the 180 degree camera rotation here. Thankfully the elevator doors are open, and when they get inside, gasping for air, it takes them down to ground level. 

At the fifth “Are you sure?”, the elevator reaches the ground floor, the camera pointed at the outside of the doors. The character, noticeably pale, steps out and looks around.  The lobby is filled with people who seem to be moving about business as usual, but the shaking hasn’t stopped. It’s much lesser here at street level but it’s certainly still happening. Nobody else seems to notice, however. The character stumbles through the lobby, trying to steady themselves, but the shaking is still getting worse. Drinks rattle, a light flickers, and even a bottle falls off a shelf and shatters; nobody pays any mind. Upon witnessing this, the character quickly makes their way through the crowd and to the door in order to get out onto the street. It should be noted that upon reaching the lobby, a person in the crowd mouths along with each “Are you sure?”. As the song progresses into the outro, the amount of people that do so will multiply until by the last repetition, every person aside from the main character on-screen will be saying it. 

(When the character leaves the building the camera begins to very slowly spin around them, as well as gradually lower in angle.) Outside, things aren’t any better. Traffic is bumper-to-bumper, and people move briskly to limit the time they spend in the rain. Still, nobody reacts to the shaking. Even as the puddles begin to ripple and splash and the cars bounce on their suspensions. An LED sign swivels and falls from its second-story perch; the character is the only one to flinch. As they see all this, they begin walking faster, before running, before all-out sprinting. The camera’s rotation speeds up with the character’s hysteria. The crowd and traffic seem to gradually disappear as the frame moves away from them. We follow the character into the middle of the street, now devoid of cars and other people. 

At the final “Are you sure?”, the camera stops rotating and moving entirely, and the main character runs out of frame to the right. It then straightens out to no longer be a worm’s-eye-view, and zooms and dollys to the right slowly. The character reappears in frame, crawling backwards and to the left while staring directly ahead of them at something off-screen. As a wave of distortion overcomes the song, so too does one begin to affect the visuals. Right before the song cuts completely, the character raises an arm as if to defend themselves, or shield their eyes. The few seconds of strange distortion after that appear to be actual video glitches, with images of the switchboard taken from the This Isn’t The Place video spliced in.

Okay, that’s the specifics of what I have planned for the main song. A lot of the actual content of the outro looping is up to you and your imagination. Here are my guidelines:

For the duration of the loop, the main character is running from right to left. They appear to be running away or toward something with desperation. The camera follows them but not like in a way we’ve seen yet; instead of the center of the screen tracking them, imagine there is a point on the screen that moves from the right side to the left side over the course of the loop. The character is centered on that point. While they can be running at any speed in the world around them, they will always be moving at the same speed across the frame. The reach the far side of the frame right at the end of the loop. They are reaching out to something but it is just barely off-screen by the end of the loop. 

Now take that loop and add 52 more frames to it. What you reveal in those frames is up to you. Each time the loop is repeated, remove a frame from the beginning and extend the ending by that one frame. Also, each time the loop repeats, add some kind of distortion to the visuals. It can be static, video/image artifacting, texture rendering issues, CGI rendering issues, objects disappearing or lowering polygon count, shaders or light sources disappearing, etc. Essentially, make it look like the resources and source code for the simulation are breaking down. Start with the background and be subtle for the first few loops. Get more aggressive and start hitting the foreground after that, and by the end it should be a terrible and undiscernable mess that not even the main character was spared from. 

 - - - - - - - - - 

Holy hell that took 3 hours to write, but it’s there. It’s done. It’s out of my head and onto paper. Thanks for reading.

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

[lillaxtrigger]

Young Hope: Chapter 28

“Motherfucker!” The spice queen’s angry roar echoing beyond the Spicer abode, Cayenne takes her seething frustration out on Kingsley’s broken bedroom wall; punching yet another hole that gives a wider view of the twilight sky outside. “Why couldn’t get to him in time!” Behind the furious spice queen, Kingsley sits completely unconscious at his desk; his head nestled above dozens of documents and reports. Lying at his side weeps the orange haired demon, Alex’s wailing echoing outside as he sobs for his crush with: “No! My beloved Kingsley, taken from this mortal coil against his will! Why do the good always die young!?” Passing by the sad display, the blue angel strolls over to the massive hole that was recently Kingsley’s bedroom wall; kneeling along the edge to gauge a closer inspection. Tore runs his hand along the jagged cracked edges of the hole, his fingertips scrapping against the burnt wood. He fancies a look down outside to see any evidence of any tools or parts left behind by the potential culprit; finding almost nothing of the sort outside of a few pieces of wall and glass along the walkway. “I’ve seen and caused a fair share of blast all through my life. One’s that I shoot out leave holes scarily similar to this one. This was definitely somebody shooting their way inside.” “Looks like the doors seen better days too.” they hear the orange skater claims. Glancing towards the boy genius’s bedroom door, all of them find Mally taking a careful look at the side of the wooden door; running her finger through the burnt remains of the doorknob. “Whoever did this sure wanted Kingsley outta the picture badly.” the orange skater reviews. “You think that the perp we’re looking for might be onto us?” her blue brother questions. “I’d say so.”

“It’s unforgivable...” they hear Alex whisper. All of them turn back towards the orange demon lying beside the comatose genius’s side; watching as he slowly rises from the desks side. “Uh, Alex?” Mally worries. “So long as my fiery red blood courses through my demonic being, I will hunt down whoever harvested my beloved’s precious soul and rip their flesh to nothing bloody chunky pieces!” the demon swears, growing more monstrous and demonic the further he rants. “Definitely loving the enthusiasm there, pal, but we still don’t got us any reliable culprit to speak of.” the blue angel reminds him. “Yeah, we only got a few minor clues to work off. Nothing really case breaking here.” Mally adds. “Not until now.” they hear Cayenne correct.

Upon hearing such, everyone in the room glances back to the spice queen along the side of the broken bedroom wall, Mally wondering: “You found some evidence?” “Un- Yeah. Paid some of my little cousins a visit and one of them was just all over this damn case; cooking up weird conspiracies and made up bullshit about the government being involve. Just the usual.” “And?” Alex asks. “Short version is that Ty wound up snagging a good pic of the culprit leaving the crime scene.” “Could you tell who it was?” Tore asks. The spice queen hesitates to answer the blue angels question, too afraid to give the answer as she looks away with a mix of disappointment and shame on her face. Her silence is all that both Tore and Mally need to process who their friend has in mind, the orange skaters pupils shrinking as her blue brother questions: “So it really is Chloe then?” “But...why? I know we had are suspicions, but...God, why would she be going around doing all this now; especially to her own family!?” the skater frets aloud. “She wouldn’t be doing this?” they hear the spice queen add. “What sort of brain damage induced nonsense are you on about? You said you saw photographic proof yourself.” Alex rudely counter. “I mean not by herself, asshole! Don’t you think its kind of an ass pull how she suddenly has the power to take souls from people in just one night? I guarantee you that whatever she’s doing in all this, she ain’t working alone.” “You think that she might have a partner?” Tore wonders. “More like a kidnapper. Someone has to be forcing her to nab souls in the dead of night.”

Before any of them could attempt to process their Spicy partners theory, all of them soon hear a familiar voice sounding off from the other side of the bedroom door; claiming to all of them that: “You got the right idea there.” All of them glance back towards the door to witness a lone arm breach through its mahogany wood; the entire door soon being ripped out of its frame by the purple merc himself as he finishes his statement with: “But that’s only half the picture.” “So who else you might think be the player 2 in this soul reapin game?” his blue brother asks; their sister wandering over to the desk where Kingsley lies. Pushing the unconscious boy genius aside, Mally riffles through the dozens of witness reports littered on the desk; her eyes shifting between the two she grasps in her hands. “Whoever they are, they might’ve been doing this long before Chloe came in their picture. Reports here talk about someone with a rainbow trail leaving the scenes of the crime a couple nights back.” “So were lookin for somebody who has a rainbow aura, eh. Wonder who that could be?” the blue boy wonders. Upon questioning such does everyone’s eyes stare right at the blue boy himself; Tore flustered by the sudden stare down as he defends with: “What...I just had that a couple times. What would I even want with a bunch of souls anyway?” “For Hera’s sake, it ain’t him. Not even closer.” Roy corrects. “How the hell can your sorry violet asshole be so sure?” Cayenne questions. “Doesn’t all this feel a little familiar to you? The rainbows, all the magic ass bullshit, the kidnappings; or guess soulnappings if you wanna be a nitpicky asshole? Plus, who else would have enough foresight or petty anger to go after Chloe and Kingsley like this?” “So it’s somebody who definitely knew we would be onto them and is trying to cover their tracks.” Mally reviews. “But who do we know that’s still alive that know which people to go after?” Tore further asks. “Hears a little hint. Which witchy bitch did we wind up screwing over a couple months back?” The merc’s apt description makes almost everyone in the room freeze up in but an instant; a strong, dreaded silence crashing throughout the entire room. The blue angel is the first to break through the horror inducing quiet, uttering the name of who his purple brother suggest be their culprit. “Circe.”

“Wait, which bitch may we be referring to here exactly? I normally don’t humble myself to mingle with any of you peons willingly at least, so most of your personal lives are a bit foreign to me.” the orange haired demon questions. “You seriously don’t fuckin remember that witch who you and the rest of our friends and family and almost killed you guys for their powers?” Cayenne wonders. “Hmm...the events you refer to do strike me as rather familiar...Though the rest of it seems rather as a blur.” “It was literally a month ago.” “Why the hell would Chloe of all people be so willing to help her with all this!? She was scared stiff the last time we went up against her.” Mally questions. “Your cherry coke crush might not be as willing as you think.” his purple brother corrects. “You suggesting that Kingsley’s sister might be under the influence of mind control?” Alex claims. “A+ on the upkeep here, my shape shifting student. That self absorbed, “Goddess” got some strange ass magic up her tight, rainbow spewing coochie; mind control would probably be a pretty standard spell for her. And who better to take advantage of for that kind of mental fuckery then an emotionally insecure teenage girl?” “Phrasing dammit!” the orange skater warns. “Mal, you said something a while back about her tryin to nab the red heads little pink trinket off her neck?” her purple brother mentions. “Uh, yeah. As soon as that witch grabbed hold of it, sparks of pink lightning just went flying out from her necklace; almost like some kind of defense mechanism. She mentioned something about it being sealed onto Chloe.” “So if that mystic cunt can’t use that trinkets for herself, why not use it through its owner instead? Swear to fuckin god, I’m gonna slug that witch bitch’s jaw clean off her damn skull! Beat her head in to a bloody pile of pulsating brains and bone!” the spice queen swears.

“So, we have our culprit. But we still don’t got a place in mind. Somewhere she could stash and conceal her horde of gathered souls from the feverish public eye while manipulating the body of her newfound pink puppet.” Tore describes, all the while Alex glances back to the desk that Kingsley lays upon. The demon gently pushes his crush aside to reach for his closed laptop, soon opening the computer and informing the rest of them that: “It seems my beloved Kingsley might’ve been onto that very fact moments before he was tragically robbed of his own soul.” This baiting the entire rooms attention, all of them look to the boy genius’s laptop to discover an entire map of Townsville laid out on screen; several lines and markers tracing themselves along a certain point of the east side of town. “So, if we ask around for where Chloe’s been constantly flying to last night, we’ll find where she’s been packing everyone’s souls. Maybe even the which bitch herself.” Mally claims. “Sounds like a plan to me.” her brother adds. After each of them take a quick pic of the marked part of the map on their phones, they quickly race out through the hole in the bedroom wall. The last of them to take off, the purple merc stops moments before he could glide off alongside his comrades when hearing a phone go off behind him. Glancing back, he notices Kingsley’s cell vibrating along the side of his desk; snatching the comatose boys phone and checking the message that he had received. “Tracking potion is ready. Bring something of Chloe’s to put in it.”

Once reaching the part of Townsville marked on Kingsley’s map, the rest of the gang descend down from the dark city skyline; landing within the bad part of the eastern side. Just from taking a simple glance ahead could all of them tell of the neighborhoods less than grandiose upkeep, reflected by the cracked asphalt roads and unkempt homes and buildings nestled along the side. “Dear hell almighty. Just look at this horrid dumpster fire of city block, it’s absolutely disgusting. What sort of depressing life wasting urchins could possibly spawn from such a filth ridden hole like this?” the orange demon repulses. After giving the demonic brat a swift smack to the back of his head, the spice queen moves in front of the entire team and relays to them: “Alright, bitches. We got us a missing red head to search for and some souls to set free. We don’t got a lot of time on our hands, so I need you all to get the dry shit outta yer ears and listen. Since the witch bitch we’re lookin is using Chloe to harvest a shit ton of souls, the people around here might’ve seen her going back and forth through here last night. I’d imagine a bright pink flyin teenage girl would be pretty eye catching to people around here, so they might’ve seen which way our little red head was going. The plan were cookin up here involves all of us split up and ask around the neighborhood; maybe figure out which direction Chloe’s been gliding back and forth from. Any of you dig up anything worthwhile outta anyone, give everyone a quick text and we’ll rendezvous to where that mystic cunt is cowering at. Everyone clear?” “Yep.” Mally confirms. “Of course.” Alex adds. “So were gonna bother people in the middle of the night to ask them straight faced if they’ve seen a pink little girl flying around?” Tore restates. “That’s the plan.” Cayenne reinforces. “Does it also involve them asking if they’re on any expired meds?” “Right then, lets fuckin move people!” Upon the spice queen’s orders, all four of them split off towards different directions of the district; Tore and Cayenne taking towards the north while Alex and Mally head out south. While skating off alongside her demonic partner, the orange roller blader pulls out her phone; aiming to text her brother to question him if: “You know where Roy wound up taking off to?” A few moments later, the blue boy had responded back with: “No. I didn’t notice he was gone until we landed.” Its in with her blue brothers lack of an answer does she decide to text her purple sibling herself with: “We’ve landed in the neighborhood. Where the hell are you?”

“Can’t join you right now. Little busy with the other half of our mission here.” After texting his little sister such, the violet merc puts his phone away as he stands in Serena’s basement potion brewery; turning back to the potion witch herself. The merc witnesses the young brewer carefully place a small glass veil on the desk set before him; its violet glow illuminating the entire brewery in a shade of deep purple. “And here we go. One veil full of Extra strength tracking potion. Took almost all day to make a single an ounce of this magical concoction.” As the potion witch slides the brew to her purple guest, she further state how: “I’m guessing I don’t need to warn you not to ingest any of this, do I?” “Eh he he. Nope. And I’m guessing I don’t need to ask you if we could make some steamy magic of our own later, do I?” the merc responds with a devious grin. “I’d gouge our eyes out with my spoon if you tried. Now you’re going to need to be absolutely careful with this particular batch of tracking brew, the ingredients I used to mix it are a lot stronger than the standard; so I need you to-” “Yeah, I know. I read the text. Gimme a sec.” Saying such does the purple angel pulls out from the depths his pants pocket a lone diamond earring; tossing the accessory in the brew as he review how he should: “Just plunk something with Chloe’s aura on in the mix and it’ll show the way to red head herself.” “No!” Upon the witch’s exclamation, Serena attempts to catch the small diamond earring before it could be dunked into the mix; her grip failing to grasp the accessory in time before it falls into the brew. “What!? What’s the problem!?” Roy wonders. “You were supposed to wait until we got outside to drop it in!” “Geez. Scared the shit outta me. You’re acting like its gonna violently explode and turn out faces into thick chunky meat soup.” Claiming such, both of them soon discover the potion sitting on the table starting to tremble and bubble before them; the brewing witch reinforcing that: “That’s because it is.”

“Duck.” “What?” “Duck now!” the merc demands, charging a beam in the palm of his only hand. Once Serena ducks underneath the table, Roy fires down onto the basement window behind her; blasting open a sizable hole leading out into the nightly neighborhood. Almost immediately does the purple angel grab hold of the rumbling brew shaking along the table; swiftly chucking the potion through the freshly blasted open hole. Once tossing the mixture outside; both of them soon then hear a booming explosion of shattering glass and metal sound off through the entire block. After the young witch lets out a relieved breath, her and her violet guest scuttle to the blasted side of her basement to take a peek outside. From looking out into the darkened neighborhood, the two find a bright pink aura trailing our from underneath the cracks of the scorched wreckage of someones car; the automobile left reduced to nothing smoking scrap. Beyond the destroyed ride, the purple angel watches the pink trail gliding out towards downtown; its bright pink glow contrasting with the jet blue night sky. “Might be biased here, but you really should warn about shit like this before you hand your potions over to them. Thanks for the help, Serena the teenage witch!” Once thanking the brewer for her aid, the violet merc takes off to follow the fleeting pink trail out towards downtown Townsville; leaving the witch doctors totaled basement behind. Seeing her guest glide away, a frustrated sigh leaves the young witch’s lips; wondering aloud how: “How am I going to explain this to my parents? No really, some purple asshole just waltzed in and blasted a huge hole through our basement.”

Knocking his black coated hand upon the one of the run down neighborhood residence, the orange demon is soon greeted by the site of a man who’s condition reflects his estate; disgusting, poorly dressed, not looking like he’s had a decent shower in literal months. Hell’s sake man, a stained tank top and unkempt facial hair is all that really anybody needs to tell how low your life has sunk. Best just get this over with then. “Greetings, my less than hygienic host. For once in your seemingly miserable life, you’ve been graciously lucky to be visited by such a powerful and distinguished demon such as I; humbly gracing you with my immeasurable superiority and intelligence. Its in arriving in your worthless hovel that you so unfortunately call a home that I may harbor from you a couple of needed questions from the drugged and alcohol ridden body part that you so unfortunately call a brain. May you be as so polite as to invite me in?”

Hearing the demons less than welcoming greeting, the less then fortunate man slams the door right in Alex’s face; turning away from the door and hobbling over towards his stain littered couch. A painful groan escapes from his mouth before he falls face first onto its cushions; the filthy dweller attempting to drift off to sleep on his couch. The man is jolted out from his drifting slumber when the sharp sound of breaking wood reaches his ears; jumping out from his makeshift bed and taking another glance to the door. He discovers a pitch black blade piercing through his front door, the sword roughly sawing through the aged wood until its splits right in half; the demon he shut out turning his arms back to normal as he lets himself in. The orange demon creeping ever closer, the junkie grovels right in the corner of his living room; small incoherent whimpers leaking from his lungs as cowers in fear. “I was really hoping that maybe the residence of this rat infested hole would be at the very least nice enough to cooperate; but I guess we’re all proven wrong from time to time. No matter.” The cowering man peeks out from his covering arms as the young demons shadow consumes his figure; Alex transforming his arm into a whip as he finishes his statement with: “I promise to make you talk one way or another.”

Descending towards the front of another home, Cayenne approaches the door and prepares to knock; her hand reeling back from the front when she catches the sound of insanely loud screaming and crying coming from inside. When finally deciding to knock, she punches the door as loud as she can in hopes of grabbing the attention of those living inside; her pounding soon drawing out a lone woman that looks just so fed up with life's shit. And who could really blame her, the woman’s got 5 to 6 screaming kids just racing around and jumping all over the place like fucking animals; just breaking shit constantly. “Eh, sooo...I was hoping that-” Despite the spice queens best efforts to talk, her words are ultimately drowned by the horrid chaos going on inside. “Maybe I could ask y-” Her words still fail to reach beyond her lips, the constant cries of rowdy children swallowing her voice. “A couple of questions about last night-” Even when shouting at the top of her lungs, her words are unable to reach the mothers ears; the spice queen soon met with the door. A small scoff is all that comes out from Cayenne in that brief interaction, the Spice queen walking from the home as she claims aloud how: “Hot damn there. Fuckin brats are worse then my little cousins.”

On the opposite end of the block, the blue angel gently knocks on the door of another abode; one of which sadly displays far more degradation and decay than the rest. Smells something hella bad in there too. Like somebody’s having a plastic bonfire from inside. Almost a little too much to handle. Even with the horrendous nasty ass stank coming from inside, the blue boy fails to hear anything coming from inside; no footsteps, no voices, nothing. Maybe they just didn’t hear the door. Attempting to bait the attention of those inside, Tore once again knocks on the wood of the door; this time being far harder enough for the pounding to echo across the street. Once done beating on the door, the blue angel’s ears catch the noise of panicked footsteps and shifting metal echoing from within; glancing to the window and taking a peek inside only to find not a soul in site. Rather than moving on to the next home, Tore attempts to investigate further; grasping the door knob and slowly letting himself in. “Hello...Anyone in here?...Don’t worry, I’m not some kind of crazed hobo; I’m just wanting to ask a couple questions here” Looking through the worn torn living room, the blue boy then runs face first into the wrong end of a shotgun barrel; the firearms blasting the boy right in the face.

The surprise headshot causes Tore to fall right on the coffee table, his body breaking the table straight in half upon impact. With the young man lying on the remains of the shoddy piece of tableware, a handful of shaggy, suspicious people come crawling out from dark corners of the run down home; all of them gather to gaze upon their intruders body. “Aw, dammit! It’s just some kid.” one of them curses out. “Guess we got worried about the fuzz for nothing.” “Fuckin dumbass! They’ll probably be snoopin around here more tryin to look for this blue dipshit.” “How bout we hide the body somewhere they won’t find it. Got a landfill a couple blocks back we could dump the kid in.”

Just as all of them approach the thought to be finished intruder in hopes of hiding him somewhere, the blue boy arises from the splintered remains of their coffee table; much to their shock and dismay. All of them swiftly back away as the young man stands before then; Tore rubbing the parts of his face that got shot and exclaims that: “Ah jeez! The hell is wrong with you people? Just sneaking up and shooting me right in the face. You know how painful a point blank shotgun blast is?” Just from the site of the unharmed blue boy, everyone else scrambles to the back of the room; pulling out their various firearms as one of the orders them all to: “Everyone, open fire!” Hearing those demands does the entire room unload everything they have onto their blue intruder, firing out a hailstorm of led bullets upon the young man. Tore himself is left absolutely unfazed by the barrage of bullets battering his entire body; so much so in fact that the blue angel opts to pull out his phone while waiting for all of them to run out of ammo; protecting his device with nothing but his bare hand. Soon enough though, the entire squad finally run out of ammunition; all of them horrified when realizing their assault having done fuck all to their intruder. Discovering this horrible realization, the only course of action left for them all left is to retreat, the entire room scrambling throughout to run down abode while one of them screams out: “Grab the stash! Grab the fuckin stash, man!” “I’m going! God, why did we get busted so fast!?” Figuring how he ain’t gonna be getting any answers of these loons anytime soon, the blue boy decides to simply take his leave; wandering out through the front door as the panicked chaos behind him continues. “Maybe I should ask around in another block.”

Skating away from block on the other side of the district, Mally rolls through the crumbling neighborhood as she ponders on where to look for answers next. That witch could be hiding out anywhere in this mess of a neighborhood; gleefully watching all of us wander around for answers to no avail as she sits on her harvested batch of stolen souls. The chance of finding somebody willing to take the time in this hour of the night to help out some random kids knockin on their doors are pretty much slim already; add the fact of asking them about a pink flying girl gliding back and forth through these parts of town and you’ll be hopeful at best laugh and mocked at. Hell, some people might even take a step further and shoot yo sorry ass for wastin their time too; god knows that people have been probably gunned down here for way, way less than that. Its getting kind of worrying if there’s any answers that could be gathered from this cracked asshole of the city. In pondering all this does a particular site grab the young skaters attention, a glimmer of light coming from a tower standing a little further in the district; though far too high above to gauge whatever could be shining out such a colorful glow. Could it be…

Hoping to garter a better view, the young lass takes off towards the tower in question; taking out her trusty grapple yo and casting it up to the brick wall of an upcoming building. As soon as the yoyo attaches itself to the buildings surface, its string retracts and pulls Mally up from the cracked concrete roads; flinging herself up to the upcoming buildings rooftop. Landing on top of an apartment complex, the orange skater speeds across the rooftop as she races towards the tower; soon finding a massive gap in between the complex and the next rooftop before her. Closing in towards the gap ahead, the skater gathers as much speed as she could muster; picturing the gap between as the crevice back at in the woods. Reaching the very end of the rooftop, Mally takes one giant leap out towards the building across the street; gliding above the poorly kept road above. Her jump this time proves to be a success as she lands right on the edge of the rooftop, letting out a loud cheer as she skates across the top of the buildings. “I did it! I actually did it! That whole gap just jumped over on the first try! Yeah!” In her premature celebration, she winds up tripping on the opposite end of the roof; tumbling down towards the alleyway below. Moments before she could hit the hard asphalt, the falling skater throws her grapple yo up towards the roof of the neighboring building; her gadget sticking itself to the very edge of the rooftop and stopping herself before crashing down. After dodging that nasty fall, the skater climbs up the hard brick wall of the alley, pulling herself up towards the edge of the rooftop.

Once standing safely on the rooftop, Mally manages to finds herself closer to the tower in question; gazing up to its top where she found the glimmering light. Despite the distance she had travels, the orange skater could not tell what shines such a rainbow glow; the windows making up its crown boarded up with countless planks of wood, leaving only a few glints of light to creep through. Yet despite failing to see what lies within, light coming from within proves all too well what may lies beyond its walls; no doubt the perfect hiding spot to horde a mountain of harvested souls.

Dwelling within the dark insides of the tower itself, a slim, feminine figure glares down to the buildings below her; her eyes locked upon the little teenage girl standing atop one of their roof’s. A sinister snicker passing through her devious smile, the figure raises her finger out towards the streets below; the tip of her fingernail illuminating a bright rainbow glow.

Gliding along the other side of Townsville, the purple angel speeds through the night skyline while tracking the youngest of the Spicers through her own bright pink aura trail; all the while the goddess echoing in his head: “So, might I wonder what you plan is once you find her?” “Don’t know. Trying to figure out the same thing. I still ain’t 100% sure if our little red head here is being mind jacked by the witch bitch or if she’s doing all this shit on her own.” “I certainly hope that she isn’t. If that’s the case, then we might have to try and talk her down. Poor baby.” Hera’s last comment throws the purple merc off a tad, her words stirring a hint of curiosity within his head. “Hey, Hera. Mind if I ask ya somethin?” “If its about how much people worship, in your own perverted words “My poppin lockin sweet bouncy bootay”, I will smite you where you stand.” “Nah, nah. Something else.” “Oh.” Just before the angel could ask the goddess his question, the trail he follows baits back his attention; discovering the neon pink aura he follows growing ever brighter. Gazing out ahead of himself, the merc soon catches a faint pink light glimmering in the distance; no doubt it being the red head herself.

Rather than rushing off towards the fleeing teenage girl head on, Roy instead decides to intercept her from the front; ascending up to the rooftops and continue his pursuit from above. While concealing himself from those below, the merc glides over the rooftops neighboring the fleeting pink glow; Roy speeding across the tops and towards the edge to attempt and get a peek of his pink pursuit. Just moments before he could however, the pink light takes a sharp turn away from the purple angel; the merc coming to a skidding halt before making an aerial u turn. Leaping out to the neighboring buildings, Roy lands atop the roof and flies out to the other side; gazing ahead for any sign of neon pink; the trail glowing bright despite not seeing a single glint of the girl herself. “Th-...The fuck...The fuck did she go?” In the midst of wondering such, an illuminating pink light begins to shine from the merc’s backside; Roy himself noticing the glow from the light on his hands alongside the sound of charging power. “Shit!” Seeing the readying attack behind him, the purple angel swiftly turns back and blocks his front with his only arm; such defense nowhere near enough to soften the blast. Facing the full front of the assault, the neon pink beam sends Roy careening across the darkened city block; the neon ray lighting up the night as both it and the merc streak across the skyline.

The purple angel’s trip across the nightly neighborhood ends with him smashing right in the face of a tall office building; the slam down leaving him lodged to the surface as crumbling stone and glass rain above him. Recovering from the crashing pink blast, Roy opens his eyes to come face to face with the one who shot him halfway across the street; beholding Kingsley’s younger sister staring the merc down with her bright pink eyes. Trapped within a translucent pink bubble behind Chloe be a myriad of colorful souls, moaning and wailing like frightened apparitions; all of it confirming the young red head to be the soul harvesting reaper dressed in glowing pink. “Oh Chloe...How could you?” the goddess questions in horrible shock. “I doubt its really Kingsley’s sister behind all that bright pink flare.” Hearing the purple angel’s accusation makes the red head raise a single eyebrow to her foe, a small smile forming between his cheeks as Roy presses further with: “That’s right, bitch. You really think I’m that stupid enough to not figure it all out? All the little things that were going on were more than enough to piece it all together. Getting a shit ton of power in just one night and not having my senses be enough to trace all of it right to the red head. It typically wouldn’t be hard for me to keep a good track on power that intense, but you very well knew that, didn’t you? You had the foresight and magic to mask the red head from my life sense so that you could prolong us finding the poor girl; and that is exactly what gave you away. Who else would have that kind of magic at their disposal and know to cast it ahead of time to throw us all off, but the witch bitch whose rainbowlicious asshole we kicked in a month ago. So quit the bullshit and show yourself Circe!”

Taking in the violet angels accusation in full, the red head can’t help but let a sinister smile gradually crack between her cheeks; a small giggle leaking out from her smirk. The young girls giggle eventually transforms into full blown cackling; her snide laughter ringing across the entire darkened block. Once the teenage red head laughter dies down, her bright pink eyes gaze back to the lodged merc; her voice resembling that of a full grown woman as she admits how: “I was honestly beginning to wonder which of you mortals would catch on next. I was starting to think that all of you worthless fools were basically braindead; well, except for that damn Spicer boy. Oh how he was so close to busting up my little soul harvesting operation and ruining everything; but I’ve learn from my mistakes from last time. I anticipated him be a potential thorn in my side and swiftly plucked him out of the picture before he could squeal. The rest of your pathetic group might be onto what part of this horrid city I’m hiding in; but by the time they figure out where, it’ll be far too late. Once that tank of souls I’ve been harvesting fills with the lives of this bustling metropolis, I shall devour them all and move on to the next town; and then to next, and the next after that. All the while I keep this cute little rose by my side, using her to harvest the souls of countless others; up until I garter enough of them to finally break that accursed seal put under placed on her Amazon crystal. With the crystal in my rightful possession and my magic at its peak, I’ll have attained enough power to trump anybody who dares stand in my away. Even against you...Hera.” Hearing the possessed teenager call to the goddess in his head takes both Roy and Hera herself completely off guard, the witch letting out a prideful snicker from the merc’s astonished gaze and continuing with: “That’s right, my goddess. I can hear you speaking inside that purple pricks head. I may never come to understand what drove you to take someone so undignified and crass as your messenger; but it really doesn’t even take a simple minded peon to understand how mine has the clear advantage.”

“You wanna bet?” Roy growls aloud. Its in asking this does the merc pull himself out of the mess of crumbled and cracked stone and glass; lunging out towards the hovering pink girl before her as he reaches his only hand out for the pink trinket tied around the young girls neck. Mere moments before the violet angel could grasp the possessed red heads smooth pink stone, a wall of translucent pink suddenly forms between him and Chloe; a smug smile cracking upon the girls face the witch asks: “Tell me something, mortal...What part of just rushing at me did you think was going to be effective?” Its in that moment that the shield blocking the merc’s grasp begin to expand around his entire body; the translucent energy quickly trapping the angel within a bubble of solid pink. Held captive within the bubble, Roy does whatever he can to attempt and escape from the prison of bright pink; punching and shooting the inner layer of bubble with as much strength as he can muster. Even when hitting his prison with all that he’s got, the inside of the bubble proves to hold not a single scratch; the self proclaimed goddess letting out a mocking laughter as she rises right above her caught purple pest. With but a single stomp, the possessed red head sends her violet foe rapidly plunging down to the nightly streets below; all while charging up a bright pink blast in the palm of her hands. Tossing the bright ball of pink down with the falling angel, the manipulative witch watches as both her foe and her blast slam down upon the concrete roads in a mess of smoke; the explosion ringing across the entire block. Gazing down upon the erupting cloud of smoke underneath, the goddess calls out to her unfortunate violet adversary; advising him with: “If I may humbly share a smidgen of godly wisdom, its that I suggest you take your losses and quit while your still breathing. Lest you desire for me to relieve you of your other arm.”

Out from the bottom of the smoke cloud, the purple angel flies out from behind the peering self proclaimed goddess; tossing out a ball of darkness out to the possessed red heads backside. As the sphere of shadows closes in towards the bewitched Chloe, a bright pink light shines in front of the young girl; turning back to the approaching blast with a huge pink hammer. With only a single swing, the mind controlled red head bats the ball of shadows aside; the sphere of shadows exploding upon the buildings beside her. After deflecting the purple angels darkness, the possessed red head uses the momentum of her swing to spin in place, quickly picking up breakneck speeds while keeping a tight grip on her pink hammer. Once gaining enough velocity, the bewitched teenager flings her bright pink hammer down the darkened streets; speeding towards the purple merc like a descending meteor. The streaking mallet proving far too fast to reliably dodge in time, Roy reaches his only arm out to the approaching pink weapon; hoping to stop the hammer with his only hand. Though he indeed manages to catch the head of the massive mallet with just the palm of his hand, the intense force behind it sends the purple angel skidding across the neighborhood; the asphalt breaking beneath his feet as he slides. His skidding trip comes to a very hard stop when crashing straight into a hard stone wall; the blow causing the entire building to collapse onto the violet angel.

The possessed teenage girl slowly descends down towards what remained of the destroyed buildings, her bright pink glare watching as her purple prick of a foe digs himself out of the resulting rubble. “What...the...fuck...is happening right now!?” Roy wonders aloud as he stands up from the crumbled stone. Hearing a devious cackle echo from above, the purple merc glances up witnesses the glowing pink young girl floating overhead; the self proclaimed goddess answering him by declaring that: “Tis divine justice, you barbaric darkling; Retribution for the heretics that have wronged me in the past. I dare say there may never be a more satisfying and sweet feeling than personally hand out rightful punishment; especially when using one of the guilty’s own companions to deliver it. Perhaps once I’m done toying with you, I’ll indulge in serving my holy wrath on the rest of your friends; reveling in the looks as my young puppets very site spurs betrayal, confusion, anger and hopelessness on their faces once ending each of their very pathetic lives. Oh, I can’t wait to see them all suffer in sorrow.”

Taking in the goddess’s condescending threats to kill his loved ones, a raw, intense rage stirs within the purple angel’s being; Circe’s maniacal laughter further fueling his unbridled fury. Focused by his anger, the merc charges out towards the cackling bewitched red head; a coat of black and violet darkness enveloping his armless side as he dashes forth. Distracted by her self indulgent glee, the bright pink teenager is caught off guard when Roy rams straight into her; the unholy assault sending the self proclaimed goddess towards the tall building down the road. Hurtling towards the buildings brick face, the enchanted red head starts slowing her flight down; decelerating herself the closer she reaches the wall. The manipulated Chloe manages to land on her feet when reaching the brickwork; her hands illuminating a bright pink glow as she rises from the buildings face. Soon after recovering from the unholy tackle, the possessed red head leaps back towards the angel who dares strike her; casting from the tips of her fingers a barrage of bright pink. The bewitched teens swarm of pink swiftly forms into a whole bouquet of blooming sharp roses, their razor thorn stems aimed at the approaching purple merc.

Seeing the barrage of razor roses incoming, the violet flies out to the side to evade their throny cuts; gliding inches above the stone face of the building. Witnessing more of them closing in fast, the merc kicks off from the buildings surface to dodge them in time; diving down to the dimly lit streets below. Once landing on the asphalt, the merc leaps back towards the possessed red head in front of him; all while the puppet herself stands without so much as flinching from his approach. As the purple angel charges towards the red head, he fail to notice the roses that he had evaded turning back towards him, their pointed stems darting towards his backside. Just moments before Roy could ram the self proclaimed goddess out, the roses dig their stems in the purple angels back; the surprise flowery backstabs throwing the merc off his charge. While easily evading her stunned foes unholy tackle, a bright glimmering glow shines out from the palms of Chloe’s hands; the light soon constructing itself into a sharp neon pink sword. Her newly made blade in hand, the brainwashed young girl swings her sword towards the merc; aiming the sharp end right at his exposed neck. Moments before the blade could swipe at his tendons, the lethal edge is caught just in time by the merc’s only hand; his palm bleeding on the sharp end as he halts the sword. Despite stopping the bewitched girls assault, the grin on her face fails to waver; the possessed Chloe gliding her glowing hand right to the merc’s stomach. In a flash of bright pink, the young red head shoots the purple angel square in the stomach with a powerful blast; the blow strong enough to send Roy rocketing through the sky in a trail of pink. Watching as the black angel careen through the darkened sky, the magical goddess can’t help but indulge in having warded her purple pest away; letting out a menacing cackle as the witch flies off into the distance.

Wiping off the stains of ruby red crimson from the black of his hands, Alex ventures further through the nightly backwater streets; the streetlamps he passes under reflecting off the bits of blood the orange demon wipes off. “Well, that was a rather unfortunate waste of time. Barely got any answers from that urchins frightened mumbling and wailing. Ugh, the absolute audacity of that man. A higher demon such as I took the time to stop at his worthless, dirt ridden abode in this run down, rat infested street hole, and he doesn’t even have the basic courtesy to even greet me, much less kneel at my very presence. I honestly wonder what this world has come to sometimes.”

On the cusp of this rant does the orange demon hear a faint sound of footsteps echoing nearby; the combined noise of kicking gravel urging Alex to transform his arms into lethal blades as warns whoever may be near that: “I dare warn you. My blades are sharp enough to slice through the very air you breathe. Think carefully before you rush into your doom.” Despite his brave words, the orange demon can’t stop his legs from trembling beneath him; his eyes constantly darting across the surrounding nightly streets in hopes of finding who may be stalking him. While the frightened demon gazes out to the streets ahead, a single tap to his backside causes him to jump; swiftly turning back and slashing out at whoever may be behind him. His arms lethal edge is blocked by the neck of a hockey stick, the demon calming himself when he hears a familiar voice urging him to: “Chill out here, Alex. It’s just me.” The reassuring tone makes the young demon open his eyes, finding Roy’s younger sister blocking his blade swing; Alex transforming into a girl as she turns her arms back to normal. “You!? D-don’t sneak up on me like that again! I could have sliced your head off your shoulders for satans sake!” “Aw, guessin you do care?” “Perish the thought. Killing an ally by accident would be seen as rather foolish in any case. And didn’t my brash older cousin split us all off to gather information on finding the witch that captured my Kingsley soul? If you have nothing significant to report, then I suggest you stop wasting our precious time and get back to your duty.” “And if I in fact do got something important to say?” “Well then, the night is fleeting. Spit it out already.”

“I got a pretty good idea where all the souls might be stowed away at. Saw some rainbow lights shining from the top of that tower over there.” the skater explains, her finger pointing out towards the towering building set to the north. “Hmph, your certain?” “As absolute as your horns be black.” “...Right. If that is the case, then there’s no time to lose. We best head out at once.” Hearing her demonic partners eager determination, the orange skater pulls out her phone and states how she’s: “Right there with ya, my black horned bud; just gimme a minute to text the others.” Just before Mally could get to her texts messages, Alex lowers the phone down from her face and claims how: “Oh please, we don’t need those brutes. I’d wager that the two of us are perfectly capable of freeing all those souls ourselves.” “Might I remind your sweet demon girl ass of the insanely powerful witch that’s probably lurking inside; ya know, the one that nearly killed us all. It’d be better for all four of us to go in at once to even the odds.” the skater informs. “Well then, if you insist on indulging in the notion, they you could at least come up with a halfway decent plan while your at it.” “Oh, and like you can come up with one on the spot?” “I in fact can. Clearly, the best strategy going in this is to coordinate a pinching assault; with your moronic brother and my brutish cousin coming in at the top while the both of us sneak in through the bottom. Even if that horrid witch dares to attempt and escape, she would have to handle wasting time dealing with us. Once we corner and finish her off, we free all the souls trapped within.” “Hmm...Since it sound like your coming up with all the idea’s, you got a way for us to sneak inside?” The young skaters question causes a sinister smile to form upon the demons face, a devious snicker escaping from Alex’s mouth.

Out along the green pasture of the Townsville park, a lone couple stands upon the stone bridge above the small river; both the girls staring upon to the darkened sky as one of the complains on how: “Aw, I can’t see even a single star out tonight. Wish this cloudy weather would just let up.” The other girl of the two glances back up at the sky as her lover eyes drift down, reassuring her partner on how: “Hey, I’m sure it’ll clear up soon. I bet we’ll even see something magical tonight.” Her eyes glued to the sky, the woman discovers a bright pink light high among the clouds; its glow urging her to grab the attention of her love and mention how: “Babe look! A shooting star!” The other girl pulls her gaze back up above to witness the trailing light drift across the sky, amazed by the site as she awes: “Whoa, I’ve never seen one so...pink before.” “It looks beautiful.” Its in admiring the star do they realize the bright pink glow growing in size; it’s luminescence beginning to blanket their bodies. “It look’s like its getting closer.” “Uh, yeah…How bout we take this date somewhere else?” Stating this do both ladies race off as the comet closes in; the couple running off as the bright neon pink light crashes straight into the stone bridge.

The resulting dust eventually settles, unveiling the park bridge reduced to nothing but crumbled and cracked stone; the water from the river leaking our from the cracks of the rubble. Out from the mess of rubble, a lone arm punches itself out from the pile of stone bridge pieces; the arms purple owner soon pulling the rest of himself out of the rock. “What...the...fuck...” Once taking in the biggest breath his lungs could possibly hold; Roy screams aloud: “What the fuck was that Sailor moon hentai bullshit about!?” “Roy, calm down.” the goddess in his head insists. “How in the...Why...What the hell was all that about!? I could barely land a hit on her! Nothing I threw at her worked! How the hell is she doing all this?” “Circe has been utilizing the full potential of the Amazon crystal through Chloe’s body; she  obviously knows how to bring out its full power.” “Even so, nothing I did even slowed her down. She just scoffed it all off like it was nothing.” “Well that’s not much a surprise. The crystals were designed to counter and combat against the forces of darkness. I’m afraid your shadowy powers can do little against her.” “Agh, fuckin plot armor. Hate that shit. Wonder how it would stand against a slice to the jugular.” “Roy, your honestly not thinking about killing the young girl, are you?” “Hate the thought of it. Almost makes me shiver thinking about it. But if things get that bad, I might just have to.”

The purple angel’s regretful response draws out a surge of pink energy to course through the merc’s entire body; the flowing power causing the merc to let out a painful cry. “You will do no such thing!” Hera forcefully demands. “Dozens of lives are riding on all this. Kingsley and his parents, Tore and Mally’s mom. What other choice do I have?” Asking such causes another wave of pink to painfully course through the merc’s entire body; the shock proving intense enough to make Roy kneel on ground. “If you think of so much as hurting her, Roy. I swear that I will send forth a powerful shock straight to your brains.” “Why the hell do you care so much about that red head? You barely batted an eye when I wound up snuffing out a dozen others; what makes her so special to you?” “I...I can’t tell you. You’ll just have to trust me.” “Don’t you fuckin gimme that “blind faith” bullshit to be, dammit. I ain’t the kind of complacent dipshit that just believe whatever people say to me. Either you tell me why, or just shut the hell up.” “I can’t. If I did, it would potentially open old wounds that are just too painful to bear.” “And you think that’s any worse than what’s happening now?” the merc questions, arising from the wet dirt. The purple angel hears not a single answer from the goddess; not even a single word could be heard ringing in Roy’s head. “What urges you to prioritize one mortal over a dozen others!? Why demand me to spar one over the hundred other’s I’ve taken. Hypocrisy? Faith? Goals and end? Prophecy? Blood? Answer me, Hera!” “Because Chloe is my granddaughter!” Having finally drawn out an answer from the goddess, her words cause the merc’s pupils to gradually shrink; the only response that could escape from him being: “What?”

Strolling through the cracked, dirty sidewalk of the run down neighborhood, the blue angel can’t help but ponder upon where his purple brother might be. Mally did text something about him saying that he was taking care of the other half of the mission; meaning that he’s probably trying to find Chloe in all this chaos. If what he might have been talking about her being possessed is true, then we might be in some trouble if she winds up coming here.

In the midst of thinking of the potential consequences of going against their red headed friend, the faint sound of growling catches the blue boy’s hears; Tore stopping dead in his tracks and glancing around to try and find where he might’ve heard it. Was that a bear? Seriously, that sounded like a bear growling back there. Why is there one out this far in the city? Despite these questions, the boy finds next to no sign of any ursa in site; eventually shrugging off the bizarre occurrence. Eh, might’ve just been someone’s TV cranked up way too loud.

Once the blue boy turns his back away, a massive shadow emerges from around the corner; the shadow letting out soft, heavy breaths from its drooling maw. Once close enough to the boy’s backside, the shadow stands as tall as it can; towering over the blue angel as it begins to descend its claws towards his head. Moments before the beasts claws could dig into his flesh, Tore turns right around and catches its giant maws with his bare hands. The blue boy is caught off guard on discovering what stands against him, gazing upon the fuzzy underside of a huge ass bear; the ursa letting out a maddening roar as it attempts to push the boy down. In the midst of its roar, the blue angel headbutts the bear right in its muzzle; the blow sending the fuzzy beast reeling back. Tore takes the moment to follow up his head butt by charges straight towards the stunned ursa, driving his fist straight into the beast stomach and sending him flying into a brick wall. The unexpected ursa collapsing onto the sidewalk, the blue boy starts to carefully approach the downed bear; poking at its fuzzy hide while it remains unconscious. Just what the hell is a giant ass bear like this doing roaming the streets at night? The zoo’s on the other side of town. In the middle of inspecting the beast, the blue boys ears catch the sounds of a dozen animals worth of enraged growls; turning back to discover himself surrounded by an entire cavalcade of predatory animals; all ranging from tigers, buffalo, hyena, lion, eagles, bears, and pumas. As all of them encroach closer towards the indigo teenager, only a single thought rings in his head. “How the hell did this happen?”

“Seriously, how the hell did this happen?” Cayenne wonders as well, holding back a screaming wild baboon inches from her face. Before the simian could have the chance to tear into its foe’s face, the spice queen socks the ape right off her; sending the animal slamming right into a set of garbage cans that topple over on impact. After smacking the ravenous baboon off her, her ears catch the growl of a predator approaching from behind; turning back to discover a huge lion on the verge of pouncing right on her. With only just a single kick, the Spice queen plants her boot right in the lethal felines face; the blow causing the oversized cat to careen straight into the side of a buildings. Checking her side, Cayenne witnesses a speeding hyena lunging towards her; its bared fangs aiming at the side of her stomach. Right when the dog was ready to bite down upon the girls side, the spice queen grasps its neck moments before it could sink its teeth into her stomach; soon tossing the hyena down the neighborhood.

As she watches the wild dog scamper off into the darkness of the streets, her ears catch the sound of panicked children screaming from nearby; glancing behind her to witness a set of familiar looking kids racing across the street. “Help!” “Mommy! Mommy!” “Somebody, help!” “Ah, no, stop!” All of them cry out for somebody to come to their aid as they race away from the roaring wrath of a fearsome leopard; the feline claws coming out as it closes in on its feverish pursuit. Cayenne acts fasts and zips out towards the fearsome leapord, tackling the beast away from the children and pinning it to a nearby brick wall; the spice queen evading its constant claw swipes as she holds the feline down. “All of you get somewhere safe and hide, now!” she demands from the kids. “Mommy, no!” one of the cries. “Don’t worry, I’ll find your mom...Just beat it already!” “Stop it please, your hurting her!” another of them pleads. Hearing one of the kids mention such at first confuses the Spice queen, wondering what the hell they mean by it; glancing towards them all to find them staring upon her with pleading eyes.

As she looks away, one of the leopards back legs slashes its claws onto its captors stomach; the unexpected and sudden swipe causing Cayenne’s grip to loosen. This gives the wild beast the chance to turn the tables on its foe, shaking out of Cayenne hold and falling right onto her; the beast attempting to tear into her as the spice queen holds the feline back. “Mommy, please! Stop hurting her!” one of the children beg out loud. Its in hearing this that Cayenne finally realizes why these kids all look familiar, its the kids of that mom she could barely get a damn word out to; the pieces all quickly connecting for the spice queen. This giant fucking cat is their mom! “How...how the hell did this happen!? She just have enough of yer shit and thought you’d be better of as sirloins than kids?” Cayenne questions the children while holding their transformed mother off her. “We were all just having fun running around and playing tag, when she saw a bright rainbow light surrounding our mom and turn her into a giant cat. After that, she started chasing us all through the streets. We begged her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen.” Rainbow light?...Circe. That witch bitch has to be onto us, tryin to slow us down with this shit. The feline beast swiping its claws inches from her face, the spice queen finally tosses the transformed mother off her; Cayenne kicking the ravenous leopard crashing straight into a set of trash cans. While the feral feline starts to pick itself up, Cayenne takes the opportunity to lunge forth towards the predator; grabbing one of the trash cans in her rush. The spice queen scoops the transformed mom into the garbage can and shuts it in, trapping the beast in the can as she holds the lid down; Cayenne struggling to keep her grip as the can jerks and shakes under her. Having caught the feral leopard, she turns her gaze over towards the set of children; demanding that they: “Don’t you little ankle biters just fuckin stand there; help me find something to tie this can down!”

“What the fuck do you mean she’s your granddaughter!? You really sittin here expecting me to buy that Kingsley and Chloe are from line of demigods!” Roy exclaims. “Well, no. My daughter was born far before I became a goddess. I had perished in battle making sure that she and my grandchildren would have a future to live for, but left my little princess all alone in this world. I can’t imagine what any of them may think of me.” “And this has something to do with our situation because-” “Believe me when I say I can’t bear seeing my granddaughter reduced to a puppet for Circe’s plot, but I will not let that be an excuse to have her executed.” Hera proclaims. “Alright, alright, fine; I won’t touch your precious baby girl. But we still need to do something. If taking her head on and stealth killing is out; what the hell else you expect me to do?” the purple angel wonders.

“Hmm...there may be perhaps be one thing that we could try, but I’m afraid you may not live through the process.” “What do ya got in mind?” “Its rather in your mind, really. There is a tiny smidgen of the crystals power dwelling within you; specifically trapped inside your brain. It’s how I’ve been communicating with you all this time. That tiny bit of power might be enough to undo the seal placed on the Amazon crystal; effectively rendering Chloe completely harmless.” “Fan fuckin tastic. Mind telling me how I can use this power trapped in me head?” “I afraid that you can’t. Such raw goddess energy can only be wielded by those with the body and or mind of a woman.” “Why exactly is this called a plan again?” “Its because I can remotely control that power without you. I can essentially use it to project myself through you and lend you a fighting chance.” “I guessing this is where the “but” comes in.” Roy claims. “If we’re wanting it to be that effective, then we’ll need that energy coursing through your entire body.” “Sounds simple enough. Just get it outta my head and run it through.” “I’m afraid its anything but. Not only do I have to carefully navigate the energy out of your delicate brain; but also to make some adjustments to your insides so that there won’t be any complications afterwards. All of which will no doubt be incredibly suffering. I’m not sure you’ll make it through such a painful process.” “Bitch, have you seen how much shit I took this past few months? Beaten, blasted, frozen, set on fire, and stabbed through multiple vital organs. I got enough in me to take years worth of torturous abuse and come out of it sticking the middle finger outta my torturers asshole.” “I can’t exactly stop once we start. Are you sure your ready to endure such constant agony?” “I ain’t like we got a lot of choices or time on our hands. So we best get this shit show on the road.” “Well, if you insist. I suppose I should get started.” the goddess mentions. “Right...So just a heads up here, how painful is this going to be exactly? Will it just be a small numbing sensation or will it be a frothing agony so insanly torturous that’ll be like shoving an entire bramble branch entwined with barbed wire so far up yer ass that the thorns’ll be pokin out yer mouth. Or maybe could be that-” Interrupting his wondrous rantings, the purple angel’s entire body starts to glow a brilliant shading pink; Roy convulsing as he screams in utter pain that: “Aaaggghh! It’s worse! I didn’t think it was possible, but its so much worse than I thought!”

Set along the bottom of the dilapidated tower, a large grate stands dislodged right next to an open air vent; the midnight air blowing through its steel insides. Alongside the cold night winds, the sound of foot steps could be heard ringing through the tunnel; the breeze reaching the vertical tunnels and climbing up the shaft. Spreading itself through the tunnels, a bit of the wind reach out to both the orange haired demon and skater crawling through the sheet steel vents; Mally slightly shivering from the breeze as she checks her phone. While they traverse through the dust ridden vents, Alex swats away the dozens of cobwebs littering the path ahead of him; letting out a disturbed shiver as she glances back to her human partner to question: “Have either Cayenne or your blue dumbass of a brother called back yet?” “I’ve been sending both of them dozens of texts and voice mails, but I haven’t heard back from any of them yet.” Mally explains. “And what of your purple prick of your other brother?” “Busy.” “Gah, If none of them have even bothered to review my strategy, then I’m afraid the two of us will need to switch tactics. What else could I have expected from those incompetent fools; their lack of proper attention spans will surly spell our demise.” “Oh, don’t gimme that. Neither of us know what’s even going on out there. Maybe if you’d stop constantly putting other people down; you’d see that they aren’t as terrible as your constantly making them out to be.”

“Well, I’m so sorry that I’ve grown to have such low expectations of everyone; as if the occasional mockery and social exclusion hasn’t already painted a good picture for me already.” “I’m guessing having black horns and hands haven’t exactly given you that great of a social start; hasn’t it?” “I’m beginning to wonder what your first guess might’ve been. All the way back in kindergarten and stretching to this very day, everyone can’t help but give suspicious glares and wondering stares; as if questioning whether I’m nothing but a freak under these horns. Each and every one of steer clear of me whenever I walk by, not even bothering to talk to me when they bump by.” “...Not everyone does.” “Well of course. I’m certain that my family members have a sort of obligation to stand by me. But they’re no different in the end, glaring at me all the same.” the orange demon explains while gazing ahead. “While I’d argue otherwise, they’re not who I meant.” “Ah. Kingsley, of course. The only diamond in this hellish rough. Out of all of the people that I have encountered in my 13 year old life, he was the only one to have actually bothered to care; even stand up for me while I was being hounded by my older cousin. Quite the notable exception to this world filled with judgmental cowards.”

“What about Roy?” Hearing the purple angels name causes the demon to stop crawling in his tracks, Alex glancing back to the young girl behind him and questions: “What about him?” “He didn’t see some kind of loud mouth, pompous demon like everyone else. He saw somebody who wanted to be as amazing as they say. He could have just scoffed at you and continued with his life like every other arrogant asshat; but instead, he took the time and patients to try and change you into something better. Roy harnessed your spite, anger, and hatred to try and turn you from just another bragging and whining brat, into the demon that proves to be everything they say they are.” Hearing this sentiment coming from her masters own sister draws out nothing but silence from the demon; Alex’s eyes drifting to the sheet metal both her and her partner crawl upon. “So, now that your not bragging anymore. Can ya think of what else the two of us can do to free all the souls?”

Beyond the towers foreboding streets, the sound of screeching and roaring animals ring throughout the neighborhood; the blue angels wings lighting up the darkened streets as he glides across the skyline. In his flight through the run down neighborhood, Tore glances back to find himself being pursued by a flock of deadly birds; their talons aimed right at the boy as they close in. “Come on. Leave me alone already!” he pleads while casting forth ball after ball of light towards the chasing flock. The birds of prey evades the blue boys barrage of pale light energy, the flock dispersing in all directions while evading their pursuits shots; one of the hawks ascends high above the skyline to soon dive bomb straight down towards its target. Once close to the unsuspecting blue angel, the hawk draws forth its sharp talons as it prepares to strike; gliding across its pursuits side and slashing through his clothes. Upon the hawks sudden swipe, Tore hisses out in pain as he grasps the side of his stomach; the warm wet crimson of his blood staining his white blazer. Before the blue boy could heal the new wound, an eagle flies in from below; feeling its sharp talons swipe through his face and clip his eye. The two back to back assault cause the angel to plummet back down towards the darkened streets below; crashing straight into the asphalt road. After taking the hard fall onto the concrete roads, the indigo teenager rises from the pavement as the palms of his hands emit a bright glow upon the side of his stomach and face; uncovering them as the light fades to reveal both completely. “Agh! A slash to the stomach I can take, but the eyes...god, I never knew how much that hurts.” In that moment do his ears catch the sound of a cry for help sounding off alongside loud squealing; the blue angel gazing in the noise to discover an elderly lady being chased down the street by a charging wild boar.

“Help! Somebody please!” the old woman pleads aloud while fleeing from the mad pig behind her; the tusks of the pursuing boar closing in on her backside. Just when it was ready to ram right into her back, a pair of hands grabs hold of its tusks and stops the charging boar right in its track; the woman hearing the pig scream and gazes back to discover a blue haired angel holding the wild pig back. “Don’t worry, lady! I got this!” the boy reassures the lady; holding the boar in place as it struggles to escape from his grasp. Trapping the animal in his grasp, Tore heaves the boar off its four hooves; lifting it overhead to toss its hairy pigskin right into a brick wall. Watching the boar slam hard into the wall causes the old lady to let out a horrified gasp; her eyes gazing back to the young blue boy when she notices a bright light beside her. “I wonder if I can make bacon like this?” he ponders, charging a powerful energy the palm of his hand. “No!” the old lady shouts.

Just when the blue angel was about to fire out towards the stunned, Tore soon feels something tackle him straight to the concrete ground; his beam misfiring and speeding through the night sky. Tackled to the pavement below, the blue boy soon discovers the spice queen right on top of him; Tore questioning her with: “Cayenne!? What’s the matter with you!? I was just about to make egg sandwiches with a side of bacon bits outta one of them.” “Quit trying to blast the brain outta the animals around here, you blue dumbass! We can’t afford to kill any of them!” “Why!? They could seriously hurt people!” “Because they are people, Dammit!” Her Spicy comrades answer throws the angel back a bit; the boy proving confused as all hell as he letting out a preplex: “...Huh?” “It’s true.” he hears somebody confirm.

Glancing to their side, both of them find the old woman that the angel had just saved look down upon them, continuing to support Cayenne’s claim by recalling that: “That wild boar you just threw over there happens to be my husband.” “How...how’s that even possible?” “I don’t know. All I saw was a bright rainbow light that woke me up beside my husband; looked over and saw him transform before my very eyes. Once he turned into a pig, he chased me outta the house and across the streets. No matter how much I beg him to stop, he just wouldn’t listen.” After hearing the old woman’s story, Cayanne lets the blue boy stand back up from the cold concrete; Tore asking the spice queen: “So what’s our next move, captain? It’s not like we can just stuff them all in one building somewhere; all of them would just tear each other apart either trying to get out or just natural instinct telling them to go fuck them all up.”

To the blue angels question, the spice queen takes a moment to ponder what exactly they could do to combat this unorthodox situation; soon coming up with something and ordering the angel before her that: “What you’re gonna do is round up any people you see on the streets that haven’t turned and take them somewhere safe. While your taken care of all that, I’ll go around and keep the entire zoo’s worth of rabid animal people from getting further out into the city. God knows that if all of them start stampeding through town, all of Townsville would turn into a massive shitshow. That clear, bitch?” “Aye aye, captain!” Hearing the blue angel confirm her orders, the spice queen glides over to the wild hog and heaves it onto her shoulders; soon flying off into the night sky with the pig. Tore meanwhile sweeps the old woman off her feet; the elderly lady lets out a worrying yelp as she’s carried off, all while the blue angel warns her to: “Hold on tight.” As the blue angel flies off with the old woman in her arms, he takes a quick birds eye view of the rest of the district; discovering hundreds of wild, untamed predators roaming the entire neighborhood. This realizing site makes Tore let out a worrying breath; the blue boy can’t help but wonder how both Cayenne and him can sort out this giant mess on their own.

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Sorry about this. This finale is taking a little longer to develop then I had hoped. But I swear the next chapter will be the last this season. I want to thank you all so much for stick by this long and hope that you've been enjoying the stories that I've been writing.

[neoluciferian]

My Luciferian Journey

It began in church, as it often does. I was only seven or eight years old, and I couldn't understand why God would even make Lucifer if he was going to fall, and cause the fall of humanity. Didn't that mean Lucifer was doomed from the start, doomed to an eternity of hell because he was who Yahweh created him to be? I was so little, but I began feeling sorry for Lucifer. And even then, demons, Lucifer, sin... these concepts piqued my curiosity.

As I got older, these feelings intensified. I was very interested in Satan and demons. I watched TV shows featuring demons, and I found myself wanting to be one. I badly wanted to be a demon. I convinced myself that I wanted to be a "good" demon and fight the "evil" ones. I started asking Satan to make me a demon. I did this quite a few times between ages eight through thirteen. I started hissing when something upset me, going into a feral mode (particularly when alert, and at night) and doing things to frighten my friends as "games." My interest in Lucifer grew, too. I liked the name Lucifer. It reminded me of the color blue and starlight. I felt an inexplicable connection with the fallen angel. I felt a bond with him.

I wrote my first blood "contract" when I was fourteen or fifteen. I wanted to be able to transform into Chaos, from FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus. I childishly offered Lucifer my soul for this ability, figuring I could turn back to God whenever I wanted. I added that, if there were some other form that would better suit me, I would have Satan turn me into that instead. After all, he "knew my heart." That was how I concluded the contract. I then signed my name and sealed it with blood.

I have to admit, I was frightened by Lucifer for quite some time, too frightened to come near him. I saw images of Him as a glorious angel of light surrounded by a midnight blue sky and sparkling starlight - visions, though I did not know what they were. I had a very immature view of Lucifer and demons in my late teens and early twenties. I saw them as evil, but I also thought they could be used.

At age eighteen, I was living in my first apartment. My roommate was in jail for a probation violation and could have been there for potentially a year or more. Naturally, I decided to summon a demon using nothing but dragon's blood incense and a mirror, and naturally, we struck a deal. I told the demon - I cannot remember who it was - that, if he got my roommate out of jail by the end of the month, he could burn down my apartment in six months.

I ended the session and thought nothing of it. Until my apartment suddenly caught fire, six months later. Don't ever make a dangerous deal with a demon. Demons are real. Lucifer is real. Lilith is real. If you make a deal, they will follow through. I learned that the hard way; the flames engulfed the apartment in a matter of minutes. Thankfully, no one was hurt.

Years passed. I had a brief Luciferian phase in my early twenties, but the spark quickly burnt out. I think I was afraid of someone finding out. And I think I was afraid of Lucifer himself. The blasphemous and heretical Luciferian community on Tumblr certainly didn't help. I tried on religion after religion, faith after faith, until I had a revelation.

Those images flashing across my mind, disrupting my daydreams, at times predicting the future... were visions. And Lucifer was clearly the one sending them. He has appeared to me in many different ways over the years. More recently, he appears to me as a man with dirty blond hair to the nape of his neck, a soul patch, and steely gray eyes, wearing a gray suit and cornflower blue tie. He looks cold. He looks like a lawyer. And he has messages he wants me to deliver.

He's not all cold. He sleeps in my bed at night and occasionally moves something around in the house to make his presence known. Once, I was ignoring a work-in-progress painting and it shifted slightly. Another time, I was playing piano when I suddenly heard someone walking through the dining room and kitchen on lithe, almost silent feet. I followed the sound all the way to the basement door, which swung open wide. This has been going on my whole life.

I don't know for sure why he's chosen to speak through me, or why he's such a regular presence in my life. I guess I'm just that kind of person. Once I realized I was having visions, I started asking Lucifer questions, and I learned a lot about him. I don't fear him anymore. He is light and shadow, good and evil. He appears differently to everyone, but he's always beautiful. He desires the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom for all of his followers, and I'm just here to act as a medium: I want his message to reach you.

So, from now on, I will be doing free readings. Lucifer prefers if your questions are spiritual advice regarding himself and his demons. Otherwise, he will get frustrated and may not provide me with an accurate vision. This is spiritual counseling. I will also be sharing my own personal visions and discussions with Lucifer on my blog. I assure you, my visions are genuine. I'm not claiming to know the future. I just have symbolic imagery playing out like a movie in my head, and I'd like to share my gift with all of you.

To you all: Lucifer is calling. He desires a relationship with every one of you, and he has a unique form he'll share with you, and you alone. He looks different to all of us. He wants you to pursue knowledge, to reject false doctrine and tyrant gods, and he would like to speak to you. I'm here to help.

- Dusk

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel Season 11: A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality.

Season 11 Summary Analysis

Cas experiences intense PTSD after being brutally beaten by Dean (who was influenced by the Mark of Cain) and after brutally beating up Dean (while under Rowena’s spell). Dean feels more and more drawn to Amara over the course of the season, and it makes him uncomfortable. Cas lets Lucifer possess him in a last-ditch effort to help defeat Amara. Dean tries to save Cas from Lucifer’s possession but fails, and he obsessively searches for him when he’s taken by Amara. Dean is relieved when Castiel resurfaces and tells Cas he’s the best friend he’s ever had.

My interpretation: Dean feels intense guilt for brutally attacking Cas at the end of the previous season, and Cas feels the same guilt after beating up Dean while spellbound. Cas feels useless while he’s paralyzed by PTSD, and he lets Lucifer possess him out of a sense of desperation to be helpful—he sees self-sacrifice as the best option because he can’t face the possibility of hurting Dean again. Dean is incredulous that Cas would let Lucifer posses him willingly—at first, he can’t believe it because he believes so staunchly in Castiel’s goodness. Dean tries hard to save Cas from Lucifer’s possession because he can’t stand seeing the man he cares for behaving like the Devil, and he‘s not willing to risk Castiel’s life for the greater good. Dean’s attraction to Amara freaks him out, partially because he doesn’t want it to interfere with his closeness to Cas. Experiencing Castiel’s absence for an extended period of time helps Dean see how much he values Castiel’s company, and he feels bad for not being there for Cas earlier in the season when he was struggling with trauma. Dean makes sure to tell Cas how he feels after Lucifer is expelled from him. Cas is touched by Dean’s sentiment, knowing how rare it is for Dean to let others get close to him. Cas appreciates Dean calling him a friend and brother, knowing that brotherhood is the highest compliment Dean can give to someone. As Dean is gearing up to sacrifice himself to defeat Amara, Cas is distraught and does not want to leave Dean’s side.

11.01 Out of the Darkness, Into the Fire

When Cas calls Dean, he urgently wants to know whether the Mark of Cain has been removed from Dean.

11.02 Form and Void

Castiel’s angel torturers recognize his consistent prioritization of the Winchesters over heaven: “What are you?” “What? I’m an angel of the Lord.” “That so? ‘Cause near as I can tell, when you have to choose between heaven and the Winchesters, you choose them. Every time.”

Cas refuses to give Sam and Dean up to the angels, even to Hannah.

11.03 The Bad Seed

Dean and Sam try everything they can to find Rowena to help cure the spell she put on Cas.

When Sam insults Castiel’s car, he’s offended. Dean tries to make him feel better: “You think it’s crappy?” “Eye of the beholder.”

After Cas feints, Dean puts him back in his chair and wraps him in a blanket.

Dean is able to help Cas resist his compulsion to kill a someone while under Rowena’s spell.

Cas starts seizing when Rowena lifts the spell, and Dean cradles Castiel’s head in his hands.

Cas apologizes to Dean for beating him up while under the spell: “Dean, I... there aren’t words.” “You’re right. There aren’t words, Cas, ‘cause there’s no need. You were under a spell. It’s fine.”

Dean declines Castiel’s offer to heal him because he feels bad for beating up Cas while under the Mark of Cain’s influence: “Dean, I can fix that.” “No, no no, it’s fine, Cas. Besides, I had it comin’.”

11.04 Baby

Sam asks Dean if he ever wishes he could have something more meaningful than a one night stand: “You don’t ever want something more?” “I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re battin’ a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs.” “You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever, but something? You know, with a hunter, somebody who understands the life?” “Have you not heard a single word Bob’s been singin’ about?“

11.06 Our Little World

Dean tries to keep Cas out of the hunting scene out of sense of protectiveness: “Oh, what? You think he’s ready? He’s had a pretty rough go of it lately.” “Which one of us hasn’t? Seems insane to leave our one and only angel friend on the bench.”

Dean shows concern for Castiel’s mental health when he finds out he’s been binge-watching tv: “You sound weird, okay? Bad weird. Now, I’ve been down that road before. I’ve heard the siren song from the idiot box, and I’m tellin’ you, whatever you’re lookin’ for, you won’t find it in there. So do me a favor—turn off the tv, go outside and get some air. We’re in the dark here, pal. I need you back in the game, okay?”

Castiel tries to follow Dean’s advice to get out of the bunker, but he can’t bring himself to do it because he’s traumatized by the violence and mind control he’s experienced recently. The two most prominent flashbacks he has are of him beating up Dean while spellbound and Dean beating him up when he had the Mark of Cain.

Sam jokes about Dean’s relationship with Crowley: “Oh, right. I keep forgetting about you and Crowley’s summer of love.”

Metatron recognizes Castiel’s trauma: “You have gone full wuss. Now, I dunno what it was that happened, but whatever it was, you are scarred deep, paralyzed by trauma, by fear. I mean, look at you. You can’t even hit me.”

Crowley brings up the closeness that occurred between him and Dean the previous season: “Do you know how disturbing it was to realize that I couldn’t bring myself to kill you? I’ve had tons of chances over the years, some you don’t even know about, but still, I made my peace with it, embraced my softer side, learned to accept that there was just too much going on between you and I—bromance.”

Dean lies about not killing Amara, and Cas looks skeptical about the truth of his claim: “You said you were close. Dean, how’d she get away?” “I’m sorry, what part of ‘God’s freakin’ sister’ did you not understand? She overpowered me. End of story.”

11.08 Just My Imagination

The flamboyance and expressiveness of the Zanna make Dean very uncomfortable. He has difficulty taking them seriously at first, but he later tells Sully that he and his kind are a “good weird.”

11.09 O Brother Where Art Thou?

Amara kisses Dean, and he kisses her back. Then he pulls back suddenly, weirded out by it. Amara says the two of them are “bonded” and that they belong together, but Dean rejects the idea.

11.10 The Devil in the Details

Cas gets up in Dean‘s grill to diagnose his smiting sickness, but Dean pushes him away when he offers to take Dean’s temperature with his finger.

Amara recognizes Castiel’s lingering trauma: “You think I’m afraid to die?” “I know you are. You reek of fear and self-loathing.”

Lucifer is on the verge of killing Dean, but Cas tackles him before he can. He then lets Lucifer possess him.

Dean checks on Cas after they leave hell to make sure he’s alright.

11.11 Into the Mystic

Dean confides in Cas (Lucifer) about his failure to kill Amara. Casifer asks Dean if he’s drawn to Amara out of attraction, and Dean admits to it: “I know, okay? Whatever it is—attraction, connection—I gotta tell ya, man, it scares me. I don’t know that I can stop it. I don’t know that I can resist it.”

While Lucifer is posing as Cas, he performs a high level of affection toward Dean.

Dean notices that there’s “something off” about Cas, but Sam doesn’t pick up on it.

Dean feels so disturbed about his feelings toward Amara that he can’t sleep.

11.13 Love Hurts

Dean is cursed with being hunted by a qareen who takes the form of its victim’s deepest darkest desire, and for Dean, it takes the form of Amara.

Sam helps Dean understand that he doesn’t have to feel guilty about his attraction: “It was Amara.” “That surprise you?” “That doesn’t surprise you?” “Honestly?” “Honestly. What, you seriously think the sister of God is my deepest, darkest desire?” “She isn’t?” “No! She can’t be.” “Why not?” “Why? Because if she was, then that means I’m...” “Means you’re what? Complicit? Weak? Evil?” “For starters, yeah.” “Dean, do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She’s the sister of God, and for some reason, she picked you, and that sucks, but if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you, I’m not.”

11.14 The Vessel

When Lucifer threatens to kill Sam, Cas resists his control, but he won’t eject Lucifer because they need him to bring Dean back from the past.

Dean refuses to believe that Cas would willingly let Lucifer possess him, even though Sam does: “Lucifer may be in control now, but Cas may not come back willingly. I mean, he chose it.” “No. No, not possible.”

11.15 Beyond the Mat

Dean is adamant about saving Cas from Lucifer, even though Sam isn’t convinced that’s what he wants: “...if he wants to be saved.” “He does. Even if he doesn’t know it yet.”

Dean feels extra “burnt” after finding out Lucifer is possessing Cas, so he takes Sam to a wrestling event.

Dean is disturbed by seeing a childhood icon sell his soul, and he doubles down on his determination to save Cas and win the day: “Dean, you know what? He made a bad decision. We’ve been there.” “Yeah. Yeah, you, me, now Cas.” “Dean, we’ll get him back. We will. We just gotta...” “Keep grindin’. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it gets, you gotta keep grindin’.” “Right.” “And that’s how we’re gonna win. And we’re gonna win. We’re gonna save Cas, we’re gonna ice the devil, and we’re gonna shank the darkness. And anyone that gets in our way, well, God help ‘em.”

11.17 Red Meat

When Sam presents a case possibility and Dean doesn’t want to go, Sam recognizes that Dean is obsessing over finding a way to save Cas: “We’ll get him back.” “How?” “I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. Meantime, we gotta get outta here, clear our heads. This is a case. Let’s do what we do. Let’s work it.”

11.18 Hell’s Angel

Dean prioritizes Castiel’s safety when planning to take down Amara, but Sam disagrees with him: “Priority is to put the Horn in Lucifer’s hands and set him loose on Amara.” “After we exorcise Lucifer out of Cas and put him into a new vessel.” “What? Really?” “Yes, really. I’m not gonna send Lucifer into battle inside Cas. What if he doesn’t make it?” “Dean, it’s a strong vessel. It’s held Cas for years, and we know what he’s been through. I’m guessing it can hold Lucifer.” “It? It’s not an ‘it’, Sam. It’s Cas.” “And Cas wanted to do this.” “Yeah, well, there’s times I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearin’ a Zorro mask. That don’t make it a good idea.” “Dean, this is exactly how we screw ourselves. We make the heart choice instead of the smart choice.” “Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Cas is family.” “Yes, and his choice deserves to be respected.” “Even if it kills him?”

Dean is distraught after failing his attempt to talk to Cas without Lucifer hearing. Dean is taken aback when Lucifer mocks him for yelling out for Cas.

When Crowley enters Castiel’s mind to convince him to expel Lucifer, Cas is only willing to consider it after realizing it’s what Dean wants: “Wait, that was Dean I saw a minute ago, wasn’t it?” “Yes.” “And he wants me to expel Lucifer?” “Yes!” “Well, he may have a more objective view of the situation. Maybe I should.”

Even after realizing that they can’t get Lucifer out of Cas, Dean still calls out to him before Amara leaves with Lucifer.

11.19 The Chitters

Sam is concerned about Dean losing sleep during his obsessive search to find Cas: “Dean, we’ll find Cas, okay? He’s stronger than he looks.” “You know, we gambled with Cas, and now Amara has him.” “For a reason, which means he’s still alive.” “I’ve been with Amara. Her beef is with the big guys—with God, with Lucifer. The small fries, even an angel like Cas, doesn’t even register. And if it meant hurting Lucifer, killing Cas would mean nothing to her.”

When Dean finds out the two hunters they’ve met are a romantic couple, he takes an interest: “What’s it like settling down with a hunter?” “Smelly, dirty. Twice the worrying about getting ganked.”

Dean is tempted to ask the couple to help them find Cas and defeat Amara, but he doesn’t have the heart to pull them out of retirement: “Two hunters who make it to the finish line?” “Yeah, you leave that alone.”

11.21 We Happy Few

Dean continues to worry about Cas while the gang is gearing up to take on Amara: “...After that, it’s Lucifer’s turn. Physical attack, one on one.” “What about Cas?” “Oh, don’t worry. Your pet’s safety is my highest concern. Trust me, he’s on board.”

11.22 Alpha and Omega

As soon as Amara leaves, Dean goes to check on Cas, and he’s relieved to see that Cas is himself again.

Dean recognizes Castiel’s distress and tries to make him feel better by telling him how much he values him: “How you doin’? Good? I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing...” “I was just SO stupid.” “No, no, no. It wasn’t stupid. You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun. Me and Sam wouldn’t have done that.” “Well, it didn’t work.” “No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.” “I WAS just trying to help.” “Well, and you DO help, Cas. You know, sometimes me and Sam have got so much goin’ on that we forget about everyone else.” “Well, you do live exciting lives.” “Yeah, that’s one word for it. But you’re always there, ya know? You’re the best friend we’ve ever had.” “You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.” “Thank you.”

Cas is worried about Dean after Rowena puts the soul bomb inside of him: “Dean, are you okay? How do you feel?”

As Dean is getting ready to go sacrifice himself, Cas gives him a giant hug, and Dean hugs him back. Cas also offers to go with him. Dean demonstrates the trust he has in Cas by asking him to look out for Sam. Cas agrees, and Dean thanks him “for everything.”

Dean tries to be macho, but Sam calls bullshit on him: “No chick flick moments, come on.” “Yeah, you love chick flicks.” “Yeah, you’re right. I do. Come here.”

When the gang sees the sun getting brighter, Castiel’s first thought is whether Dean survived.

[thestudyfeels]

How to Get Back Into the Creative Process

A definitive guide by @thestudyfeels 

If you follow me (highly recommended, shameless plug), you might’ve noticed that I haven't posted in, well, a million years. The reason being that for about two months I hit an incredible low when it came to making content. I had ZERO creativity and inspiration for quite some time, and if you're a creator, you might recognize that as the best recipe for disaster out there. It's finger lickin' good! (Wow, now I'm dissing KFC, what's this turning into, Wendy's twitter?)

As a rule, I refrain myself from writing posts when I'm dead, since I know without a doubt, that the ennui will automatically transfer into the post. (I sincerely hope that none of my readers are walking zombies with a taste for lifeless posts and aimless rambles. Signed, me.)

But the truth is, my life revolves only around creating and doing crazy shit so I couldn’t deprive myself of this litness for too long. It meant that I had to pick my shit up real quick and get my ass back into the game.

Which is exactly what I did. (This is how you clickbait, youngsters. Watch and learn.)

During my record-breaking low, I couldn't fathom the thought of writing because of the non-existent ideas. I really wanted to, after all I felt empty inside from not doing anything worthwhile, but the lack of inspiration was eating me alive. (Again with the zombie jokes. Sorry, lmao.)

As a creator, such experiences probably sound common. Allow me to assure you that it's okay to be completely blank. It's okay to feel like shit because you love bringing your imagination to life but just can't seem to at the moment. You will get back to grinding again. Never lose faith in that. In fact, I'm specifically writing this guide to help you get back into creating (oh, and to rant about how awesome it is and how I can't get enough of it).

[And yes, this guide works no matter what kind of a creator you are. Bloggers, vloggers, podcasters, writers, illustrators, editors - legit every single one of you who identifies as a creator. I got yo’ back, my Liams and Janes.]

Finally! Now, with the intro done, let's settle down (here's your mint tea and Oreo cookies—no, no burnt popcorn this time #DoItDifferent) and get on with what I promised. Drumroll please, for this marks the starting of a new era where you make a comeback in your field, better than you’ve ever been.

I'm excited to see you win.

Creating is tough. Truly. I find it funny how most people under-appreciate the Arts, because a) hello Monica, wake UP. We're making stuff here. Fresh, crisp, and hot out of our skull-shaped baking pans. Isn't that insane? And b) I doubt any of us would be happy without the sappy rom-com movies and mystery shows to look forward to, or philo books to engulf in a day, or fast-paced vlogs to binge watch or addicting gam- ok, you get my point.

Although most of us are aware of how incredibly demanding and magical the entire process is, we still beat ourselves up for lacking those creative juices at times. Here's a pat from my side and a reminder to NOT do that. Why? Because all creators go through a “dry period” where they feel like they're totally done and are never going to produce anything ever again. In fact, even pop stars routinely take a step back from their fast-paced lifestyles to restore their creative talent - Ed Sheeran being a somewhat recent example (and a great one, have you listened to Divide?). I mean, if they can pause their careers and afford to take a break, then so can you. So stop making excuses and take that day off.

You can also think of it this way: the juices dry up (stop sniggering, ya hoes) because you’ve been using your craft too much, too fast (remember, genius only happens in small quantities) but they start flowing better than ever after a short period of revitalization. So, if you ever find yourself stuck, gazing at the walls in despair, blank docs becoming your serial killers - take that break and don't feel guilty about doing so.

Alrighty, moving onto making that break productive and getting those creative juices back into us. Oh, and Monica? Wipe that stupid smirk off your face.

Now, I don’t know why you started creating (bless you for doing so though), but I do know that there must be something which ignites you and keeps you pushing, even when you hit the lows. This can be anything - nature, music, puppies, art galleries, your loved ones - absolutely anything that makes your soul dance inside and your face flush with pure joy.

During my break, I spent a majority of my time listening to mentors and reading non-fiction. And listening to angelic yet badass music (cough, Billie Eilish, cough). And watching sunsets. And taking pictures of said sunsets. And doing yoga outside while that glamorous sun continued to dip below the horizon. (And trusting all along that I'll get back on track soon.) All things I genuinely love, no effs given. From outside, it seemed like I was on vacay, chilling out; but from the inside, I could feel inspiration and hope trickling back in, my needle moving towards full tank once more.

Point is, DO NOT waste your break loitering about. It's fun to play and party, but the real disaster unfolds when you get back to work and realize you're in the same state again, if not worse. A creative break should centre on getting inspiration back. Figure out what feeds your soul, be it watching other creators, spending time alone, or having meaningful convos, and just do more of it. Re-energize. Rejuvenate. And revive your art.

Now that break’s over and you finally feel more in touch with your creativity, it's time to ease back into it. And I said ‘ease’ because see, the thing is you simply can't force this process. A hint: the more you force yourself for ideas, the more you start relying on your surroundings and other people's work and start losing your own originality. So don't push your creativity.

BUT, good news, if you used that break to rethink your craft, you'll ALWAYS come back with a bunch of ideas, which are much more inventive than anything you've done before. (If you don't, it might mean that you need to extend your break just a teensy bit more.)

Easing means getting back slowly. With consistency. Every single day, without fail, spend some time creating in small chunks. And you CAN'T say “fuck it” or ignore it and purposely start a new show on Netflix after closing that blank doc again in the next tab because you didn’t wanna face the guilt. That's a rule. Obviously, once you get comfortable with the process, increase your time and increase the number of “create” blocks.

This is your life, so don't you dare tell me you're tired or sad or can't make stuff, because I know you can. I've seen you produce magic before and I know you have it in you to create lit fireworks this time as well.

… And soon enough, you'll find yourself happier than ever, for you'll be creating again. I hope you'll feel proud of yourself, because I, for sure, will be.

PS: let's also talk about me finishing this post. This is the first one after my break, HOHOHO! *wiggles eyebrow, which doesn't exist* The girl's back at it again as you see, and I hope you're just getting started too.

We're in this together.

Want to read more? Kay, plopping down some related posts right away —

Read my last post: Biggest Takeaways from The Alchemist (book review, sorta?)

Mentioned: Ed Sheeran’s creative break of almost a year

Rebecca Green and her creative low (you see, it happens to everyone!)

An update chit-chat post by Rebecca on the burnout (if you want the entire story)

Interview Two: motivation to get going (talks about how inspiration comes from inside - me recommending ways to regain your creative energy won’t help for inspiration is different for everyone)

+ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box!

Well, that’s a wrap! I post new articles twice a week, on every Sunday and Thursday, so you can follow me if you are into killing the game & conquering life. I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life. ✧

If you want to go through my blog, I suggest picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cozy afternoon while chilling under blankets, I recommend reading one of my interviews. Feeling spoilt for choices? Here’s another! If you want to implement the ideas I share in my masterposts by taking action, take on one of my challenges!

I hope you are well; stay strong and conquer life, my conqueror.

— Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

BTS Members as the Sons of Feanor

OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HECK

so @thelonelybrilliance just showed up late to the Silmarillion and new to BTS and she decided to break my brain by tagging me and @abadpoetwithdreams asking us if we could match up the 7 members of BTS with the 7 sons of Feanor. May she never ask such a question again because I have spent about 6 hours total writing this rant essay that is somewhere of abouts 3500 words. I don’t have the self-control to stop myself from things like this, I love Tolkien and BTS too much

anyway here is a very long and rambling post that was partially composed in my head in the shower and is now just stream of consciousness

(Disclaimer: The members of BTS are beautiful souls and this post is in no way saying that they are as murderous as my problematic faves the sons of Feanor)

ok so the only thing I know for ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN is that Namjoon is Maedhros. if you know anything at all about BTS and the Feanorians, the reasons are obvious:

1. Namjoon is the tallest, and Maedhros is literally called Maedhros the Tall.

2. Maedhros has a lot of names but he was called Maitimo by his mom which means “beautiful” or “well-shaped one” and such an appellation is perfect for Namjoon (ok let’s be real the name could fit every single member of BTS but whatever)

3. (and most important!) never was there a more harried elf trying to keep his brothers in line and alive and not cut to pieces by some justifiably insulted cousin or Sindarin. Maedhros is the mom, the dad, the king, the leader, the eldest bro. “Guys, can we NOT be rude to the sons of Finarfin, can we NOT start a war among the Noldor when we still have Morgoth just across the way” I’m pretty sure he would also lose his passport multiple times if Middle-earth had such things, because his brothers are hard enough to keep track of. while Namjoon may not be the eldest in years, everything else matches up too perfectly. He is the leader of BTS, the spokesman, the one who encourages the other members to step up and speak, helps them with their English (even when he judges them for their dumb mistakes lol), is literally SO DONE with his bros all the time but loves them so freaking much. He is the planner, the peace-maker, yet also has fire in his veins and has seen a lot of darkness and suffering and survived to become even stronger. So too with Namjoon

(caveat: if BTS were Feanorians, and Namjoon captured by Morgoth himself, there is no freaking way they wouldn’t have done SOMETHING to rescue their fearless leader. Jin and Jungkook would storm Thangorodrim fists swinging, followed by Jimin and J-Hope, fierce like you’ve never seen them, and Taehyung would Luthien Tinuviel Morgoth centuries early, or Yoongi would simply glare at Morgoth till he shrank down into a puddle of trembling goo. Don’t laugh at me you know I’m right)

moving on

I have maybe two choices for Maglor? One is Jin, but that might partially be because everyone always talks about how Namjoon and Jin are the mom and dad or dad and mom of BTS. and Maglor is always paired in my head with Maedhros as the other parental figure of the Feanorian bros, though that might be because of how he and Maedhros look after Elrond and Elros. Of course, I love Jin’s singing and I will never ever ever be over “Epiphany”, so I am way cool with making Jin Maglor as far as the music thing goes

All this said, I am not sure if this is the best fit overall. Jin is the King of Chaos in BTS, and I wouldn’t name Maglor as such...also I think I might have another Feanorian for Jin, but I’ll get to that later (spoilers, it’s...Curufin??!) (oh no, I just realized I might have one other argument for Jin being Maglor: “I use other people to make myself happy. I make myself smile by making others smile.” Like, that could be a good quote for Maglor potentially, if you want to relate it to his music, or his care for Elrond and Elros……..but I’m still thinking Curufin for Jin. Stay tuned)

So anyway my other option for Maglor would be...oh heck no I have two other options. No wait THREE. What the HECK. ok let me figure this out. The options are J-Hope, Yoongi, and Jimin. I’m not even sure why yet so let’s find out. (sidenote: if Maedhros did not exist Namjoon the song-writer would be Maglor, as the greatest poet and bard)

1.  J-Hope as Maglor: I don’t know, I had reasons but they are escaping me. Maglor is said to have had a gentler temperament than his brothers and I would say J-Hope has a very soft sunshine heart. I guess one thing is that Maglor was left to hold everybody together when Maedhros was captured by Morgoth, and if Namjoon was ever hung on a cliff for an indeterminate amount of time or whatever equals that in our world, J-Hope would step up. I keep seeing things about how he supports the other members when they are having tough times, giving them encouragement and food and love. He leads them in practicing dance choreography all the time, and if I remember I am pretty sure Namjoon actually stated that Hoseok would make a good group leader. 

Also one time Namjoon was talking about Hobi (oh shoot, should J-Hope of the many names be Maedhros of the many names? Lol maybe in that one universe where Namjoon is Maglor, then Hobi could could be Maedhros) Namjoon says that J-Hope is like water (where did Maglor toss his Silmaril again hmm?) and puts people at ease. Well idk about other people but Maglor seems to have put Elrond and Elros at ease because even after that whole Kinslaying thing “love grew between them as little might be thought.” I too would probably come to love J-Hope no matter the past between us. He is just that sweet and soft-hearted

2.  Yoongi as Maglor: ok honestly I really really actually want Yoongi for Caranthir, more on that later. However I also like Yoongi as Maglor because it is unexpected, yet certain things just feel right. I keep thinking about Yoongi’s “First Love” where he raps about how his PIANO was his first love (GOSH ISN’T THAT THE SWEETEST THING EVER) also in Lee Sora’s “Song Request” he raps this: “I’m happiness to someone and the soul to another / A lullaby to someone and at times a noise / I’ll be with you at your birth and your end / Remember we’re always together anywhere / I’ll always console your life / So just lean on me and rest sometimes” and LOOK I JUST DIED TYPING THIS but what I am getting at is music is burnt into Yoongi’s soul as I think it is Maglor’s, and Yoongi really is very soft and loving and also one time Namjoon said that Yoongi “makes me ponder about what kind of person I am” and Maglor several times is a voice of reason and very much tries to dissuade Maedhros from going after the Silmarils one last time. Idk it could work (but also...CARANTHIR) (BUT ALSO OMG YOONGI’S VOICE MURDERS ME WHEN HE RAPS AND HIS PASSION WOW AND NOW I AM PICTURING MODERN DAY MAGLOR RAPPING  OBLIQUELY ABOUT HIS FAMILY AND PAST AND PAIN UGGGGGGGHHHH

3.  Who was my other choice? Right, Jimin. Why did I say Jimin?? ? i don’t remember, dang it

Ok I think it is definitely time to do Caranthir.

As previously stated, I love Yoongi as Caranthir. I have my reasons personally I think they are very good reasons :D Ok Caranthir is WOW ok I am OFFENDED because I just went to double-check something on wikipedia and I typed Caranthir into the Google search engine and the first three results were all about this Caranthir dude from the Witcher, and while that game seems very interesting I am UPSET for Yoongi’s I mean Caranthir the Dark’s sake.

AHEM

Caranthir the Dark. What a name. I mean it might just be a reference to his father-name of Morifinwe and to his hair, but he is also described as being the harshest and quickest to anger. Yoongi, bless his soul and his actually very soft and squishy heart, is well known for: being unbothered by BTS general antics, for being the one to sit back and watch everyone else do dumb stuff (like when they were all dancing to MIC drop and he just walks away from them, or when they are all acting like kids jumping in the pool and he just watches with a smile on his face while drinking a glass of wine and look to me Caranthir is the one Feanorian who doesn’t pair up with anyone in particular, like we have Maedhros and Maglor, Celegorm and Curufin, Amrod and Amras, but Caranthir is the one who goes off and lives separate from them and

GOSH now I sound so dumb because I am NOT trying to say that Caranthir doesn’t love his bros or that Yoongi is a loner that is NOT what I am saying, agh I mean Caranthir is great (minus, you know, the kin-slayings the Feanorians sadly fall into) and even befriends Haleth’s people and protects them, t’s just this weird categorizing thing in my head, that Caranthir is the crusty brother, and while he loves his bros to DEATH and they him, the majority of his bros are sliiiiightly afraid of him, in a brotherly way, like how the members are with Yoongi! Like just recently oh what was it, they were on a BTS Run episode and someone had to splash or otherwise give Yoongi a penalty and right away everyone was like NAMJOON YOU DO IT. turning to the leader hyung because they don’t want Yoongi to be mad at them

Of course now I am remembering that one post of gifs demonstrating how Jungkook is the only one who can bother Yoongi without dying lol except NOW I am picturing Amrod the youngest Feanorian* being the only one who can bother Caranthir and then the ensuing PAIN because Amrod Umbarto (thanks for THAT name, Mom) perishes (in certain canon) in flames at the Burning of the Ships and wowwww no I do not need any of this pain

*SIDENOTE: AMROD IS THE YOUNGEST IN CERTAIN CANON WHICH CONFUSES THINGS A HECK OF A LOT SEE THE AMROD AND AMRAS SECTION BELOW

I’m pretty sure I have never rambled so much in my life and also pretty sure I have way too many parentheses and not all of them are closed oops

Anyway, imagine Caranthir as the brother you are afraid of but would die for and who would die for you if anyone looks at you wrong, the brother with the wry acerbic wit, but who LITERALLY LIGHTS UP THE UNIVERSE WITH HIS SMILE AND ALSO DOESN’T EXPRESS HIS LOVE ALOUD AS OFTEN AS SOME OF YOUR BROTHERS DO BUT

HE SECRETLY LOVES PHYSICAL CONTACT AT TIMES AND ALSO SECRETLY LOVES PIGGY-BACK RIDES EVEN THO HE PROFESSES TO HATE THEM AND GIVES OUT WISE LIFE ADVICE TO HIS BROS AND HIS PEOPLE AND IS SUCH A SOFTIE FOR HIS BROS AND OCCASIONALLY SENDS ONE OF HIS BABY BROS LONG LETTERS WITH A SIMPLE “I LOVE YOU” AT THE END THAT HAS CELEGORM OR AMROD CRYING FOR TEN MINUTES (HAHAHA GUESS WHO I THINK TAEHYUNG WOULD BE)

Also someone has to be the best cook of the Feanorians and it might as well be Caranthir

….apparently I’m not done with Caranthir, because “the Dark” also makes me think of a dark horse, or at least something happening that is unexpected, and that reminds me of that interview where dad/mom/interpreter Namjoon was like yeah none of the other members can speak English, and then Yoongi just out of NOWHERE speaks a line of great English and Namjoon was like ….guess I was wrong

OKAAAAY WHERE ARE WE

I do not have very clear thoughts about who the rest of the members are so let’s just go with my brain and hope it makes some good connections

Let’s do Celegorm since I just mentioned him

Celegorm could be either Taehyung or….Jin? :? Merrr idk. Let’s examine

I think the main reason why I jump at the option of Tae for Celegorm is because of Tae’s love for his dog Yeontan, or Tan, and of course Celegorm is the master of Huan, and they had a very special relationship for ages until Celegorm f---ed up. Seriously, you want to see something cute? Look up Tae’s Vlive that is entirely focused on his lil pupper (what am I saying look up ANYTHING about Tae and you will find something cute)

On the other hand Jin could be Celegorm because Celegorm is known as the Fair and if you don’t know by now that Jin is World Wide Handsome I don’t know how I can help you

OMG WAIT I JUST THOUGHT OF OTHER REASONS WHY JIN COULD BE CELEGORM! So Celegorm’s father-name is Turcafinwë, which basically means “strong in body” and Jin has got those broad shoulders (gosh they are so broad). Also, Celegorm’s mother-name is Tyelkormo, or “hasty riser,” referring to his quick temper and habit of leaping when angered. And this doesn’t perfectly relate but the amount of times I have seen Jin yelling or just being wild in general or even just pretending to be mad makes me think of this. Also there was one time idk what was even going on but Jin was struggling to pronounce Bangtansonyeon-dan (SAME) and saying it was too long and difficult and J-Hope was teasing him and Namjoon told him not to get mad since he had been calling himself a fairy and shouldn’t be mad as such, and Jin was like hey I can be a mad fairy if I want lol

See now I am just confused because now I am looking back at Jin as Maglor and I might like that better? WHY IS THIS SO HARD

Speaking of Jin, and Celegorm, why on EARTH was I thinking of Jin for Curufin? Ugggh see my problem is I ran out of time last night and so I am finishing the essay some 20 hours later and I kNOW that when I was saying Jin should be Curufin I had a better reason then their names rhyme. Heck, I could make that same argument for Jimin as Curufin.

Except I also have a second and better argument for Jimin as Curufin, at least under the circumstance where Taehyung is Celegorm. Look, all the BTS members are really close with each other, and you can literally argue all day about who is closer to who (a really pointless waste of time in my opinion I mean why argue when you can just melt over them all being sweet and funny and kind and teasing with each other) but anyway all that aside one thing I love in particular is how sweet Jimin and Taehyung often are with each other, holding hands and comforting each other and being on teams in competitions *starts laughing at the memory of them being complete disasters that one cooking show* and anyway Celegorm and Curufin seem pretty inseparable, running around causing all kinds of trouble (guys sTOP). Jimin and Taehyung have called themselves soulmates, so it makes sense to have them be part of a duo

Not that Taehyung would engage in a kidnapping stunt like Celegorm did, but the point is, Jimin, the precious bby, has Tae’s back

Jimin: “Taehyung is the happiest when he is with me” aww

This has nothing to do with the point of this post but I just need to stop here and say that Jimin is so freaking talented I was just looking up some gifsets of him and obviously his singing is angelic but also OMGGG his dancing!!!

Ok, jumping back slightly, I guess one way Jin could be Curufin is if Jungkook is Celegorm, because I could see those beautiful dorks running around causing all kinds of trouble, except I really have no reason to have Jungkook be Celegorm, especially since he is very much Amras in my head for reasons

OOOH NO I also thought of a way in which Jungkook could be--wait for it--cURUFIN. WHY AM I LIKE THIS

You see, Curufin was his dad’s favorite son and thus Feanor gave his favorite son the exact same father-name Feanor had, Curufinwë, and Curufin is the only son who chose to use his father-name over his mother-name if I recall, and anyway all meaning he probably loved his dad a lot and was proud of his name, and this makes me think of how Namjoon gave Jungkook the title of the Golden Maknae and of how freaking much Jungkook looks up to and respects Namjoon (look while Namjoon is a hyung, he is also a dad figure, so he may as well be Feanor and Maedhros both)

I guess if Jungkook were Curufin, Jin could go back to being Celegorm

Aaaaggggh you do not know how much hair I have pulled out this is taking a lot of brainwork

FINALLY AT THE LAST TWO

We now present my exceedingly confused ramblings regarding the twins Amrod and Amras. Before we begin, let me SHAKE MY FIST AT TOLKIEN FOR MAKING THIS ESSAY EVEN MORE CONFUSING TO WRITE

See, I had Jungkook all set up in my head as Amras, the youngest son according to the Silmarillion. Jungkook is the maknae, the baby, and all the members DOTE on him and he loves them and respects them and pesters them and it’s great, so yeah Jungkook has to be Amras the baby of the Feanorians. I would then put Taehyung as Amrod, the just barely older bby who the other members also adore and protect. Jungkook and Taehyung are SO FREAKING CUTE whenever they are doing stuff together, whether it is singing or hugging or holding each other on their backs while they singing. When they goof off together or pester each other, they are the most precious, must dorkiest dorks to ever be my faves. Hence why I pair them together in my head as Amrod and Amras, at least the times when I am not pairing Tae with Jimin or Jungkook with Jin. Amrad and Amras seem as inseparable as Celegorm and Curufin, and they go off and live in some beautiful wild part of the land and basically stick to hunting and staying out of everyone’s business until they get reminded they took a stupid oath

EXCEPT then Tolkien has one alternate writing where the youngest is actually AMROD and Amrod dies at the burning of the ships because Feanor doesn’t know how to count his kids I guess (Namjoon you lost something again) (sorry that is a terrible joke) (but is it made slightly better by the fact that while Namjoon is apparently Feanor he is much more Maedhros, who was against the burning of the ships and did not participate?) so like this is where I started to get my third headache (exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t eaten dinner yet and it is 9 pm what is wrong with me) because then I have to make Jungkook Amrod and Taehyung Amras. It’s such a trial having to write both their names next to both Feanorians

On the other hand, an interesting thing to think about is that in this alternate writing, Amras was so aggrieved by his brother’s death that he called out Feanor--Feanor!--for being so dumb as to A. call or let his wife call their youngest by the name of Umbarto (the Fated) and then to B. accidentally let him perish in a fire that FEANOR started because he had a grudge (and I think Tolkien wrote that that Amrod was possibly sleeping on the ships because he was upset with Feanor for the terrible deeds he was committing, so like, double way to go Feanor)

I am really tired and hungry my head hurts

What am I missing?

I like Taehyung and Jungkook best for Amrod and Amras a lot BUT if I were doing one of the other options above, I could see having the follow lineup:

Jin=Celegorm, Jungkook= Curufin, Jimin=Amrod, Taehyung=Amras

In this instance, I could see Jimin and Tae as either Amrod or Amras no matter which one is older. Taehyung could definitely be the bby and do his own thing but could also be the brother who mourns his brother and calls out Feanor. Actually though Jimin while being young and precious gives me more of an older brother vibe than Taehyung does, so I guess I would have Jimin be the elder of the twins. Yes, that makes more sense

UGH but wait if I put Jimin and Tae as Curufin and Celegorm, I could put Jungkook back as youngest bby Amrod or Amras, but would Jin fit into the older twin role? Maaaaybe, if you just think about Jungkook and Jin heading off by themselves and goofing off...I don’t like it as much though

Possibilities So Far

Maedhros: Namjoon, maybe J-Hope?

Maglor: Jin, J-Hope, Yoongi, maybe Namjoon

Caranthir: Yoongi

Celegorm: Taehyung, Jin

Curufin: Jimin, Jungkook

Amrod: Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin

Amras: Jungkook, Taehyung, Jimin

……………………….

I have spent five minutes now trying to figure out possible final line-ups but it’s all a mess

I  LITERALLY CAN’T THINK ANYMORE

I DECLARE THIS ESSAY/RANT HAS COME TO AN END

PLEASE CHELSEA SEND HELP!

WHAT AM I MISSING/HAVE WRONG? IS THERE A BETTER SPOT FOR J-HOPE? SHOULD SOMEONE ELSE BE CARANTHIR? COULD JIN BE A CARANTHIR IN SOME WAY?? (I THINK I COULD HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT BUT I AM TOO TIRED TO THINK THEM)

[dreadlock-detective]

Oddly enough, Dindel didn’t actually end up being my next D&D character - this lady, Elena, an undead Ranger/Wizard did. Dindel’s campaign was planned earlier but started later. Elena here is based on a heavily modified version of my warlock D-Series, Daemraine. She’s basically built to be the exact opposite of Dindel: Undead vs Divine soul, melee vs support, mature vs naive, old vs young, cynical vs optimistic, completely unconcerned with wealth vs desperate for it and perhaps most prominent: cruel and self-serving vs compassionate and self-sacrificing.

Trying to walk that fine line of “good heart, terrible conscience” - the kind of evil that can work with others and not hinder the game. To help with that, a hatred of traitors is very fundamental to her identity so she’s unlikely to sell the party out for her own benefit.

Like with Dindel I’m going to start a journal series for Elena too, to practice writing as a character with that different mindset. Going to put it below the cut~

Entry #1 – In which words are written

Well I guess I'm starting this. Finally had some old memories of how the weave of magic works click with me again so I might as well get back into this whole written word business. I got used to my missing arm long ago but I haven't done much writing in the past... however long it's been, so this is still awkward feeling. Feels good to have a reminder of what should be driving me though. I've gotten too complacent with myself lately. My memory isn't what it used to be (or so I like to think. Perhaps I've always lived in this haze) so it seems pertinent to maintain a back up.

Recent events are as good a place to begin as any. I've been running with a strange group lately. Some tunnel elf obsessed with seeking “knowledge”, likely to make up for his utter lack of any, was the first of them I came across just after a group of clients I was leading got struck down by a pack of gnolls. Ilivyraen he's called. Or “Seeker”. He's harmless enough but a fool nonetheless, searching desperately for things beyond his comprehension. Reminds me too much of myself in my past life. It grates on my nerves. It seems he was simply born with access to the weave. He has no respect or understanding for his own powers. That's the problem with sorcerers. Power without effort.

The others I've known for less time but are no less out of place. Dune is some form of humanoid to a house cat as gnolls are to dogs. Temperamental. Naive too. Stabs things. Fuzzy. Blidnol is a short bald blueish fish-man that carries a banner with him wherever he goes. He's a goody-goody, too caught up in ideals for his own good. Needs to learn to hold on to his weapon when he swings. Maybe it's the lack of water resistance on land. He seems to have some kind of divine power in him, though I haven't a clue what sort of divine being would put their faith in seafood.

Then there's Welsimyse. I'm not honestly sure what kind of creature she is yet. Definitely inhuman, I can tell by her voice. It doesn't sound like she has a normal mouth. She keeps her entire self concealed in robes and wraps through and through. Never eats with the rest of them either. Uses arcane magic but I'm not sure on the source. None of my business though, I suppose. O'arian, being a half-elf, is the only “typical” member of the group, if you can call him that. Bard with a mouth so big I can scarcely believe he hasn't been run through by anyone yet. He calls us “The Honest Men”, appended with “And the dishonest women”.

They're all idiots.

But I suppose that may not be much of a problem. Working with those I thought were near my level is why I'm now a walking corpse after all. And for all their lack of understanding of the arcane it seems like just being in the presence of the weave as often as I have around them has reawakened something in me. And besides, following around a gaggle of bumbling simpletons is an amusing distraction to the monotony of eternity.

As for what they, or I suppose we, have been up to lately, it's as absurd as ever. We met some merchant who wanted us to help him raid an old elven ruin for stock. They agreed without so much as negotiating price. When the job was done he paid us in a large sack of what turned out the next day to be a magically disguised pile of scrap metal. Dune in particular was quite emotional about the whole ordeal, likely as he nearly met his end on the excursion. The fish was also quite incensed as well. Frankly I hardly see their grounds for anger when they were so unconcerned when taking the job, but I suppose creatures that need to eat and are used to sleeping with roofs over their heads would find coin more necessary than I. Another perk of this “blessing” I was left with.

The job itself did have it's excitement, as mentioned with Dune's brush with death. Gnolls lay in wait in the old ruins along with a few eyeless humanoids I couldn't identify. Overall it would have been a rather unremarkable encounter except the last gnoll refused to simply die: it burst into green energy as its body decayed and it lashed out in a mindless rage until we finally felled it and its body burnt away to nothing. Not even ash remained.

We would later learn thanks to an orc woman named Divinter or some such that it is, apparently, some sort of magical affliction gnolls are suffering from. She has tasked us with travel to more elven ruins, this time a library, in search of a cure. The others suspect an ulterior motive. They are, perhaps, not as hopelessly inept at judging their situation as I had thought. But it's of no great concern to me. The grand plans of mortals mean nothing in the vastness of time. As long as I can keep myself entertained I will be content. At least for this fleeting moment.

-Elena

NEVER FORGET THIS. OSVALDO CARTER. HIRAM DUNSLER. GLORA NOVEER. GASTON MULLINS. NEVER FORGET THIS. BETRAYAL WILL BE REPAID TEN FOLD. ON THEMSELVES OR KIN. NEVER FORGET THIS. DESECRATE THEIR MEMORIES. DESTROY THEIR LEGACIES. NEVER FORGET THIS. COLLECT THIS DEBT IN BLOOD. NEVER FORGET THIS.

[dandystones]

Being a dream empath

I’ve recently discovered the concept of what it means to be an empath, in all spiritual sense of the word. There are many different types of empaths but for the sake of this post and those wondering what the word means...

What is an empath?

TL:DR An empath is a highly sensitive individual who has the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective (much like  how a normal person with empathy might be able to relate to other people’s emotions). However as an empath, you take things a step further. You actually absorb emotions as if they're part of your own body, and sometimes you’re not able to distinguish them from your own.

Types of empaths & what do I identify with?

There are 3 main categories of empaths that talk more about how the emotions/vibes of others that you absorb manifest in your body in different ways, namely physically, emotionally and intuitively. There are 6 subcategories under intuitive empaths - I fall into what we call a dream empath. A dream empath is somebody who regularly have vivid dreams that they remember, usually bringing some form of healing, guidance or foreboding to overcome difficult situations in reality.  

I also identify as an emotional empath but we can talk about that another time. In this post, I wanted to document my personal experiences as a dream empath and what that really means to live as one. 

Types of Dreams

I like to think there are 3 main categories of dreams (but don’t quote me, I’m really not an expert) - normal dreams, symbolic dreams and prophetic dreams. 

Normal dreams are what I like to call ‘rubbish or random dreams’

- These are the kind of dreams that don’t have any specific meaning tied to it (i.e.sporadic events occur that are not tied to anything or anyone you know.)

- For example, you may observe something before going to sleep and then dream about it, without it having any connection or importance to anything in your life.

Symbolic dreams

- These dreams rarely have a direct message (i.e. seeing yourself as pregnant in the dream doesn’t mean you’re actually going to be pregnant.)

- The events that occur are usually trying to communicate a deeper level of healing, a warning or a form of soul communication.

- You can dream of events as a way to help you process emotions that you haven’t yet dealt with IRL. 

Prophetic Dreams

- These are dreams where you have an experience that has yet to happen in our realm of existence but later happens, similar to a dejavu. 

I would say most of my dreams fall into the first 2 categories. 

Let’s talk about Hyperphantasia.

For awhile now, I realize not everyone experiences vivid dreams daily, much less remember specific imagery, emotions and details of the events taking place in their sleep. Even as a child, I’ve always woken up feeling like my consciousness had lived a different life in my sleep. Most of the times, these events take place in first person POV in locations I’ve never been to in my life. There’s usually a thorough story plot though the concept of transition doesn’t really make sense in my dreams. This means events may occur linearly in time but they often change quickly and usually do so in a bizarre fashion (think random jump cuts). 

I would wake up to a collection of moving imagery from the night before, as if I watched a movie in my sleep. At first, they just lived as images in my head but I read that if you started keep a dream log, you'll better be able to analyse these dreams and figure out what they mean in real life. So I did. 

Here's a summary of some of the finer things that had transpired in my sleep.

There are days I dream about deaths - of a loved one or of a child I never had. I haven’t really thought about having children of my own in the future yet, but having dreamt of aborting your own child in 3 separate dreams is still pretty depressing. Once, I also watched a friend walk through a spiraling staircase of fire and get burnt alive when he reached the bottom. 

Other days, I dream of miraculous births. Once, I conversed in fluent Korean (a language I haven't even mastered in real life) with a baby who was barely of age to walk. 

I've dreamt of disasters; of how I stood at the edge of an alfresco ocean side cafe, parked within a hotel on the cliff and watched together with other hotel guests as a tsunami slowly crept towards us; or how I found myself running away from a zombie apocalypse in a quaint mountain town peppered with farmhouses, one of which I run into to take shelter; or another time, I stepped out of an outdoor elevator (that led to a mall) which was facing a broken train track, watched a train continue to ride at full speed towards the hole in the track, almost crashed the first time and get deeply mangled in a metallic debris mess the second time. 

I have dreamt of escaping beautiful and luxurious houses with my family because it was haunted by demons and spirits (think along the lines of paranormal activity). I remember running from room to room, trying to rescue my siblings and parents as furniture continue to fall around me. In one of the rooms, I looked out and saw a large beautiful private pool below and watched in horror as black shadows swam underneath the surface. 

I've dreamt of monsters - ethereal dinosaurs that have never been discovered chasing my friends and I through the neighborhood we live in. 

I've also dreamt of stepping foot in places far away that I’ve actually travelled to in real life; I dreamt that I was back in our cosy airbnb in Stockholm re-arranging furniture one night. When I came to though, I concluded that being in a dream like that was a little too out-of-body for my liking. I felt like I was floating for the rest of the day, as if my soul hadn't returned from the astral travel. 

Dream Emotions Vs Emotions in Reality

What surprises me each time is how real emotions can be in dreams.  While my body is asleep, my mind has been transported to a world of its own. I feel panic, joy, fear, happiness, as you do when you're awake. My face and personality usually stays the same - in some dreams I feel just as trapped and indecisive in my fight-or-flight response as I typically would do when I'm awake.

I generally sleep well but I always struggle at dawn when my dream emotions bleed into the transitional state between consciousness and unconsciousness.  That's always the hardest part, deciphering where my dreams end and where reality began. It can get terribly ungrounding at times, like I've left a part of soul elsewhere and i can't seem to get it back. No matter how hard I tried to focus, I usually don’t feel quite like myself for the rest of the day.

How often does it happen?

There isn’t a fixed frequency but I’d get dreams like that several times a week, sometimes almost daily.

Do these dreams mean anything? 

Yes, they do. At least for me. 

To someone who doesn’t dream to this extent, these dreams sound ridiculous and fake. Well they are, because they never happened in this current time. But having kept a dream log made me realize most of these dreams are happening in real time because they are either a manifestation of my emotions about a life event or a form of foreboding of future events (call it a gut feel if you will). 

Often, when I map out a significant event happening in real time & the dreams that transpired around that time, I tend to find a common theme and message that helps me to figure out if there’s something I should stop or start doing. I could write you a whole list about how every one of those dreams I mentioned above related to an important positive or negative event that was happening in my life at the time (i.e. a switch in jobs, my wisdom tooth surgery, a coworker’s impending conflict a work, my sister’s life-changing attitude towards her own self worth, even an upcoming date) and have helped me make a decision to avoid disaster, but we would actually be here forever. 

Having experienced this since I was a child, I want to say I'm used to it and I don't mind them. However, I do get moments when these bizarre dreams come in overnight and it sends me into a state of wonder / shock. It's kind of like a waiting game - at the end of the day, there's not much you can do but trust your intuition, let go and have patience. At the right time, all the fragments from a story you only saw bits and pieces of will fall into place and you'll know when it's time to make your decision. 

Until then, I just try to enjoy the scenes of a movie that I get to bear witness too at night!

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear Friend, 

i am currently on leave for 2 days by accident due to medical appointment rescheduling. I am so happy to be well rested, but also so wrecked and chest-hurting by the end of the day once distractions are gone. I won’t see it as a bad thing though.

There are a few things which i would like to address and put out here, just because i think keeping it to myself in a clusterfuck of mess in my head is not useful at all, and counselling is too expensive to let her listen to my rambles and it should ideally be more on the “active” side where she can use her experience and knowledge and guidance to help me. 

Firstly its the guilt and all that i’ve felt over the weekend and today because i have not done any work at all. I really had a strong urge to cry last night, but in the end i realised its not actually worth crying about. My trigger last night was out of self-pity and guilt, that i am a useless human being as i didn’t manage to get any work done over the weekend nor do anything “productive” like work or chores or errands and all. But i do think that there are many other things that i have achieved, such as meeting with a close friend, spending alot of time with family, resting, dabbling in hobbies like skincare, shopping, musuem hopping, dressing up, makeup, games, delicious food and videos etc. Then i realised that i spent the weekend the way it was meant to be spent - for rest and recuperation. 

Sorry my mother is talking in an excessively loud voice and i’m getting riled up just by the sound of it. She pointed a very aggressive finger at me just a few hours ago ordering me to clean up a table we have in the room and i just thought it was so rude, so i just ignored her. No one should ever point a finger in your face. 

Okay i have put on earphones and listening to soothing music. 

I was sharing with my close friend during our meet-up, that everything in my life culminates on me passing my probation at work, because without my job, my 4 years in university would be wasted, and i would have to pay back 50k worth of scholarship bond, find a new job, and start anew in another place (provided i even get hired, because the reason of losing my job would be due to incompetence). And without a salary - i can’t pay insurance, i can’t pay allowance to my parents, i can’t buy clothes or skincare or any of the lifestyle i even have now or in the future. Literally i won’t be able to have a life or a future if i don’t pass probation. I thought of putting down a list of feedback that have been given to me over the last few months as to the main things i need to work on to pass probation - just to give me a sense of direction and that i am doing something wrt this life-or-death moment, instead of simply relying on experience and that “it will be okay” like i used to with day-to-day work. 

because i’ve been dreading work so much and i actually find acting professional very tiring and draining, i’ve been considering many things - whether this job is something i can do for decades or if i’m even cut out for working (which i know, is a weird ass thing to think about but i really feel that way)

my journey with probation has been a rocky one. Seniors have tried understanding, tried shadowing, tried feedbacking+++, stressing me out+++, or just leaving me to it. i tried to stress myself out, i tried to overwork myself saying that as long as i work hard, things will work out (it didn’t, it got worse as i made more careless mistakes), i tried to listen and emulate everybody i saw, i contemplated suicide, i tried meditation, i tried sleeping pills, i took MCs from breakdowns, i tried talking with family and friends (some helpful some not), i tried different mindsets - “its just work” vs “i nEED to do this” vs “let me just survive” vs “i need to do my best for patients!!” vs “i am already doing my best” and all. Recently i think i have to create a better work-life personality barrier as if not, i will die and burnout. 

its just - on one hand, passing my probation to be in this profession for decades to come is the most important thing, but at the same time, i don’t really want it to be the rest of my life. i cannot imagine myself struggling like this day-to-day everyday, forever. Because once i get good at one area, i get moved up to the next level. So i am just forever struggling. i don’t know if i can take this. i used to think i wanted a career that constantly challenges me intellectually and requires a personality that i would respect, and surround myself with people who are mostly kind-hearted and want to do morally correct things. But just to even THINK about going back to work on Wednesday and having to put on the “professional front” and having this hectic lifestyle where people keep expecting you to get everything done in a short amount of time, look unfazed and shit whilst dealing with such high stakes, i just don’t know if i want this to be my life anymore. On paper, in terms of ideals, it did seem like the best idea, but i don’t know now. 

Previously, before my previous counselling session, I did find something that binded me to this profession abit better - setting a long-term goal within the profession. For me, i thought of moving to a different type of work environment though still in the same profession - one that is less stressful and contains more of the type of work i am interested in achieving with patients (at least what i can tell from my ~1 year in this profession). I also thought of doing graduate studies abroad - to specialise, and also to gain some abroad experience. Ideally and if i see things from above, this profession still has alot to offer to my soul. But the day-to-day ground work is so energy-sapping and just..... so draining, that i don’t know if i can tolerate this. I do wonder if its just a matter of resilience, but i just see how long i have tolerated my poor mental health of undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and depression to the point of multiple suicide thoughts for YEARS, and i don’t think my resilience is that bad. At least - i think i managed to see the purpose in life or that it was just too troublesome or effortful to die lol over the few years. But resilience in a high-stress, high-speed environment where you have to make quick decisions of high-stakes.... tbh this is the very reason why i didn’t choose a few other professions. I wanted a more easy going job but also meaningful and within this sector. But in order to get there - to move on to a different work environment... i need to survive this bond.....is it even worth it? I want to think back to when i was in school - how much drive i had to help people achieve their goals and the creativity and personal bond it took to achieve that. I frequently wondered what happened in my current work environment that caused such poor results sometimes - but seeing the conditions for myself, i understand why - many things are out of our control and we can only do what we can. There is a skill i want to perfect and master here as that will be useful down the road (”DP”). I will draw out a mindmap tomorrow. 

Things to do to pass probation:

- Collate feedback

- DP flowchart

- SF6

okay i’m done with the above. 

i feel that i’ve been so harped up about passing fucking probation that i have no life. its just very annoying because my parents are still telling me to be productive - day and night. And what they define as productive is work (they know i need to pass probation and shit coz my stressed out self vents sometimes) and chores. Then they tell me today (where i have literally rested the whole damn day) that they have never seen me smile so much and be so happy. Well wanna guess why? ? It’s annoying when you realise they have been telling you this shit since you were a kid, no wonder i always feel so fucking guilty whenever i take breaks or decide to put my own happiness before “productivity”. 

It’s dumb though, because no matter how much i worry and THINK that “I HAVE TO PASS PROBATION” and all that, there’s no point if i’m not actually doing anything about it. And i think i stressed myself out (also my seniors and my parents stressed me out) so much that i’m so scared that i will breakdown or even entertain the idea that i might fail, that i don’t even dare to do anything about it. So i’m just glad i finally made that list above. 

It would also be good if i firstly, stopped using words like “need” and “should” (i just edited the start of this sentence haha), but also that i solidify my long-term goal abit better. Do i intend to be an educator as well? 

Thing is, the progression in my profession is so hierachical and systematic, that its pretty standard for all new joinees. But i don’t really want to go down this route. I wish i didn’t join my current workplace now. This is not what i intended to do - i wanted to work in other types of environment since the start when i considered doing this for a living. But now i need to go through this system for 4 years and not get fired or burnt out to the point of committing suicide, or i will be in debt and rely on my parents again (and also, making everyone start to worry about me again and treat me like a child again.) sounds sucky as fuck. 

I’ll just take this as “good learning opportunity” and i will leave once my bond is up. Because all these knowledge and skills are still useful for future. The knowledge definitely is able to carryover, and in terms of skills - multitasking, DP like i mentioned above, keeping calm in high-stakes decisions, PR, planning (time, resources) and teamwork, i think these are all carryover material. 

I just need to keep reminding myself of my time during student days (2,3,4) and volunteering days. That’s what got me into the profession, and that will allow me to see further than tomorrow to survive for..

And other personal counselling thingos: Having my own opinions and thoughts, and standing up for them. Is a thing i want to cultivate. Reducing self-doubt and all. Perhaps I can try the whole accepting the cause and all, maybe that will help with mitigating the damages like my counsellor mentioned last session. Anyway that is her strong point. Might as well get value for money. Perhaps even things like what i comment on YT, or here on tumblr, things i like/dislike - these are all aspects of my own opinions and beliefs already. Perhaps this is worth diving into. 

Thanks for sorting things out with me! We will be lifelong friends.