#those bus cards are normally like 100 a month but lucky me I’m so poor I get the employee discount

[crowcryptid]

guys don’t look at your paystubs worst mistake of my life

[snazzyo]

The Frustration of Explaining White Privilege

I’m white. Let’s make that clear. I’m also female.  But I have tried to explain how white privilege benefits my family, my friends, my co-workers.  I’m batting about .300.  And I think I’m a reasonably well articulated woman.  Now I can tell you that I do MUCH better with women than men.  Women can ‘see’ the issue even if they were not aware of it before.  Some men, who have been very open minded on almost all social issues will still give a look like I’ve grown a third eye.  So, I thought I’d at least try to explain what approach seems to finally hit the central CPU and what does not (in my attempts thus far).  If this topic is of interest to you, excellent.  If not, please don’t yell at me. I’m not attempting to ‘white-splain’ as if I had the answers.  Clearly I don’t.  A batting average of .300 sucks.  

WHERE I’M COMING FROM: So, as I’m not a person of color, I can’t start off with “I know how POC feel.”  But I don’t think that should stop me from trying to get at the answer regarding communication with other white people to open their eyes.  I’m REQUIRED to at least try. First, I have zero issue acknowledging that as a white woman I have lived a life of opportunities that came to me that many POC do not.  I’ve done well from an external statistics point of view (income, career, family, etc..).  But I do have one relatively unusual experience, however, that has given me a window into seeing privilege from both sides.  

As a military officer, when I was wearing civilian clothes and speaking with customer service in any area where civilians were allowed, I would often find a relaxed attitude by those providing service.  Usually they were very helpful, on a rare occasion they were not.  And then when they asked to see my ID (you have to show your ID for everything on a military base), I would literally watch their face, body posture, and attitude shift.  Out came the “Yes ma’am’s”, they stood up straight, the chit chat was gone, and I got whatever I wanted accomplished with little to no hesitation.  That little green “active duty” card along with my rank turned me into someone different in their eyes.  In fact, I’d say it was pretty close to ‘white male privilege’.  I had power in their eyes (and in truth), and everything changed.  I would continue on with my casual dialog but that ‘relationship’ was gone.  And although I missed some of the previous openness of conversation, I also secretly was glad that I provided a reminder that the times were changing and to not presume my gender meant ‘dependent’. And here’s the truth, it was USEFUL.  I never threw around my rank, but just knowing I could?  Well, it gave me a confidence in interacting with others.  Still, to this day, I have that straight-forward confidence of expecting to be treated well.  But now that I’m retired, I can see the difference in attitude.  Not when I’m working with military personnel. Even retired, the rank ‘continues’ to some extent.  But with civilians in the engineering world?  “Please justify your salary compared to your peers (i.e. all men)” was literally required of me at one point.  Now, this gender inequity, at a minimum, rankles, but it’s not nearly the same as the power inequity that I see POC facing. So I’m coming from a perspective of trying to leverage my experience of being perceived as not having power vs having power to help my arguments with people who do not ‘see’ white privilege.  

The first reaction when I talk about white privilege is the “I worked for what I have.” They see the years of education, the long hours of work, and dedication to their profession as honorable.  And there is an immediate defensiveness that by saying they have ‘white privilege’ I’m saying they don’t deserve what they have accomplished.  This is going to be a losing argument.  Of course they worked hard.  But the idea that they drove the race in a Ferarri while others weren’t even driving a car (they were getting a lift on the public bus) makes it feel like somehow the person in the Ferarri cheated. Our culture sells the “American Dream” of get educated and becoming anything you want. And white people see a lot of competition within their universe for the best jobs, the best ‘fill in the blank’.  So they think they’ve overcome adversity.  That’s their normal. So I tell them my little “with and without military ID” story and they chalk that up to ‘not a major issue’. Still, I get a FEW people who understand the concept of power/no-power.  Just a few.  But most cannot separate their personal success and other’s personal inequities.  They will rapidly admit they were lucky they were born white, but they still feel that somehow admitting others were disadvantaged by being born a POC diminishes their own accomplishments.  To me, it’s the ‘scarcity mentality’. The idea that there is only so much pie, and so if they unfairly got more pie, they’ve done something wrong. And it’s too late to turn back in that college degree, house, and family.  So, they’d rather not think about it. 

The next strong reaction is when I try to talk about the inequities of the criminal justice system. Now the statistics come out. Again, they don’t see that systemic racism DROVE the statistics in the first place.  I’m have some success when I compare the story of Brock Turner (the white rapist from Stanford) versus Brian Banks (the innocent man who served time for rape due to false allegations).  If I still have my audience, who has possibly said “that’s one example”, I hit them with the $75M payout by New York City for unlawful arrest of over 900,000 people. Eyes glaze.  They are still uncomfortable with the topic and think I might have a point, but they really don’t want to continue talking now.   ‘And... and it would all be better if there just weren’t so many X. X being drugs, gangs, poor, etc... Those are the issues, not the color of a persons skin.’  Still missing the point that the color of a person’s skin is WHY they live in an environment with more “X”. So it fundamentally comes down to people using statistics in whatever way proves their inherent bias. Only unambiguous statistics are really useful in those arguments. 

Finally, if I’ve talked at length and gotten someone to see the problems of systemic racism, I have a hard time getting them to take up the cause. It’s like ‘racism’ is the third rail of social politics.  If they touch it, they might get fried.  They might do it ‘wrong’.  They might be told to ‘shut up because your opinion doesn’t matter’. Or they might find out that they’ve lived a life of privilege and never acknowledged it’s value to them.  That despite working so hard, they need to help others get that same blessing they have.  We have GOT to come up with a lexicon that allows people to discuss the topic. I’ve taken the white-on-white training approach but, again, batting .300. 

But now we’re back to pie.  The socially conscious individual will state there is enough pie for everyone.  In my opinion, it is the underlying competition in America that drives the systemic racism that created the white privilege in the first place.  And keeps it in place.  Even many of those who readily acknowledge systemic racism are at a loss as to what, precisely, to do. I’m personally going with 1) acknowledge, 2) consciously factor it in decision making, 3) make others aware, and 4) help overcome where I can. 

So now I’ll come to the two ‘hot-button’ issues of the month. Kneeling for the National Anthem and “Black Lives Matter”.  Well damn. We have Neo-Nazi’s marching in Charlottesville.  I think ignoring racial tension has become absurd.  The Neo-Nazi’s have almost done us a favor. They’ve found their ‘power’ in Donald Trump and are running to try and leverage that power.  Their economic situation has worsened, which has NOTHING to do with POC but it’s a pie issue, so it’s immediately conflated.  And now in frustration, like so many dictators of the past, Trump is fueling hate speech and giving them an outlet by blaming immigrants.  He’s a flat out bigot for everything but white males. But his target of interest is the immigrants with emphasis on Hispanic and Muslims.  How inconvenient for him that the Black Lives Matter movement won’t go away.  So he frames the issue around patriotism and the service of the military and the police. And the people who think they are ‘supporting the flag’ are often the same as those who won’t touch that third rail of social politics.  Strawmen arguments about player salaries come out. And THEY SUCCEED.  Because the players protesting don’t look disadvantaged.  Yet it is only BECAUSE they are protesting that we even are having the conversation.  Well, white privilege people don’t want to have that conversation.  ‘And why can’t they just protest outside a courthouse or something rather than bring an uncomfortable topic into my living room?’  No, they won’t say that outloud.  But we’re back to pie and the white privilege of not wanting to think about how much pie they have versus others.  And we don’t want to talk about that so we rally around the American Flag when in fact it’s the Constitution that is our unifying governance.  So.. the challenge is to get people to see that it’s time to have the uncomfortable conversations.  (Okay, it’s about 300 years late in having the conversation .. but it’s coming to a head).  And then theirs the “Black Live Matter” movement.  And the grade school response is “All Lives Matter.”  I’m going to be honest, I think the “Black Lives Matter” is 100% spot-on regarding topic, but I think the slogan was easy to manipulate for the uninformed. If you ask a socially conscious person should black people’s lives be treated with the same respect as white, their immediate response is “obviously.”  But the slogan has two basic interpretations that are put out “ONLY Black Lives Matter” or “Black Lives Matter TOO”.  The people behind “Black Lives Matter” were, in my opinion, going after the second interpretation.  But it’s the first interpretation that is allowing reasonable people to think that there is something wrong with the movement.  The first interpretation is, of course, the one that racist agitators love to rally around.  I realize this is obvious, but not everyone sees the manipulation and thus they fall for it. 

So, what do I recommend from my white privilege position? (note: if you don’t want to know... don’t read it.. I’ll listen to reasonable constructive criticism... but if you just want to yell at me for bothering to write at all?  WHY are you following me?  These are not the droids you are looking for)   Well, I want to change hearts and minds of those in power (the white people). Because I believe that until they recognize that a system based primarily on only white people having power is inherently un-American, systemic racism is not going to get resolved.  Those in power rarely give it up.  But I do believe it can be done.  Peacefully and rapidly. Not in some far off generation. And I’ll continue to do my own research and reading articles and passing on statistics and listening to other people’s stories (which are far more compelling than mine) in order to improve my engagement with other white people about privilege.  But here’s what would help. First, I think the NFL players are free to each do their own thing, but a unified approach about how to show team unity and support of correcting the inequities of racial-based police brutality would be a good thing.  IF they could unite to at least make it less individually interpret-able by team, that would help make the message clear.  But I strongly support their right to make that protest during the national anthem.  As for Black Lives Matter, I wish we could come up with a slogan that isn’t so easily manipulated.  The truth behind it is unambiguous in my mind. But I think you can’t presume that everyone understand the “Too” versus the “Only”.  It’s not yielding the conversation we need to have. Instead we are talking about pie. We need to get the focus to shift to treating POC with the same power and dignity we treat white people. To stop the violence against POC. I wish I had the eloquence of a Lin Manuel-Miranda to come up with a phrase that speaks to every rational American and cannot be hijacked by those who propagate system racism. I don’t have those words yet. I just know we need them. 

Comments and constructive criticism welcome. Name calling and insults, not so much. 

[bipolarblurbz-blog]

Where Would I Be if I Were Born 25 Years Later?

I wish I had known a long time ago about my mental illness. As the saying goes, “hindsight is 20/20” and my life played out as it should have, but I believe I would be “further along” intellectually, emotionally, and professionally had I been born 25 years later. I speak from an education perspective, because I believe that school is critical to a child’s neurodevelopmental, social growth, academic success, and ultimately their professional career. Today it appears that parents have a much better sense of their child’s character and surroundings, an awareness of potential psychological disorders and, perhaps most important, a closer relationship with their child’s teacher than years past. Teachers are privy to a child’s daily behavior and their associated developmental and learning disorders, and are often the first to recognize the need for intervention. Either way, it feels as though children are looked after and cared for in a way that I was not. And because of this, many get the support and help that they need to do their best in school, on the playground, and at home. I can still see my 3rd grade self being put in the corner for acting out. It was not until recently that I realized that I wasn’t a bad or misbehaved kid, I just couldn’t sit in my chair for an entire lesson. Had it been known that I had ADHD, then maybe I could have had the tools and, perhaps, medication to improve my school experience, and positively influence my life’s path. I always dreaded school assignments from elementary grades through college. Some people actually get enjoyment from learning! Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. I imagine this is because it was painfully difficult for me to focus to get work done; there is nothing enjoyable about that. People with ADHD are often quite bright and, because of this, the disorder goes unnoticed until the student can no longer “keep up.” This means that I was smart enough to get the work done even though I was comprehending far less than 100% of the lesson being taught. This explains my grades; both academic and conduct. I would soar academically and drown in conduct. Talking out of turn and to classmates, and getting out of your chair disrupted the class and are significant factors that affect conduct grades. I remember doing all of that. By junior high, my grades started to slip in some classes from A’s to B’s, spoiling my chances of getting into “honors-level” courses. I fell even further behind in high school. Courses were harder and more demanding, and I just couldn’t keep up. The student advisors were useless; we’d meet 1-2 times per year and accomplish next to nothing. They should be required to assess a student who isn’t doing well, and ask questions in an attempt to identify the potential cause and demand further evaluation, so that a proper diagnosis and treatment can be prescribed. Teachers working in my school didn’t talk to students or their parents about their progress, or lack thereof. Any news that got back to my parents was simply what I was telling them; and my report card of course. Neither of which told the whole story. But my home was chaotic and my mother didn’t have the time nor energy to understand and help all four of her children. My father was never involved; he was too busy being an alcoholic. My mother was the disciplinarian and caretaker. But she wasn’t able to see my poor grades as something beyond “laziness”, “misbehavior” and “carelessness” and to get me the help I needed to thrive in the school environment; ironic because my mother, herself, was a middle school teacher for 40 years. If I complained about school being hard or making me anxious, she would tell me something to the effect, “Well, I don’t know. You’re a bright girl and have a high IQ. You have the highest IQ of your three siblings.” But that didn’t help at all, nor did it matter to me. I was crying out for help, feeling as if I was drowning at school. Unfortunately, my calls for help went unanswered. My mom didn’t have anything to give; she was spent from the turmoil that was her life. It hurts my heart when I think about high school because I know I’m smart and could’ve done well. I could’ve learned and participated more, and ENJOYED the classes, but I had untreated ADHD, and symptoms of depression coupled with anxiety that began to significantly affect my performance. I remember having anxiety as early as junior high. That followed me into high school where it got worse, eventually becoming acute anxiety. Walking from the bus to homeroom was agonizing. Homeroom to first period, agonizing. Sitting at lunch, agonizing. Getting on the bus to home, agonizing still. I had no self-esteem; common for someone with ADHD who is often forgetful and clumsy and just can’t seem to “get it together”. Self-worthlessness shared space in my head with depression and anxiety. I managed to make friends, play sports, and make it through high school despite my struggles. I felt lucky that my state university accepted me -- I swear it was God working magic! My 2.8 GPA got me into their reputable business school. I chose a major in business administration because I was strong in math, and it seemed like a more functional degree to have when looking for a job after college. I remember arriving at college feeling clueless and terrified. My anxiety was debilitating, and coupled with my ADHD, I felt paralyzed. I was scared to go to class because I knew I could not pay attention and didn’t want the professor to call on me. I could not speak in class. I was horrified to give an oral presentation and would worry from the day I received the syllabus until the date of the presentation (usually 4 months in between!). I loathed working in groups and frequently didn’t produce my piece of the pie. (As a child of an alcoholic, you hide the truth and do anything you can to appear “normal.” Relationships are difficult to foster and hard to keep, and you don’t want anyone to see your weaknesses, so you do your best to not show any.). I skipped class often and would daydream during class; missing whatever the professor was saying. I would’ve been better off sleeping or going to the gym because I would’ve done something productive. I was so unbelievably not “present” that I FAILED the introductory course to my major! In the business school, you had to take an intro class for each department to confirm that the one you chose was something that you could succeed and were interested in (i.e. Intro to Marketing, Accounting, etc.). Since I could not pay attention in class, I would often not attend and would subsequently fail the exams. Consequently, I teetered my senior year on the seesaw of graduation or failure, while working my tail off to make that class up. Hard to believe I was taking an introductory course and the more challenging classes that are required just before you graduate at the same time. This was my life – a sad young woman who was lost and fearful, always trying to clean up her mess. I am a good example of what happens when mental illness goes unnoticed and untreated, while the person suffers, but either thinks it’s normal because they don’t know better or doesn’t understand why they feel the way they do. So, IF I were born 25 years later, my life might have looked like this: My parents and teachers would’ve gotten me help in elementary school where I would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and put on a treatment plan. This wouldn’t necessarily include medication; however, as an adult I have responded very well to stimulants. I would’ve enjoyed school more and performed better. I imagine a chain reaction, with an early diagnosis and this newfound focus being my elixir to thrive academically, socially and emotionally.

Nothing is perfect though. I did develop depression (now diagnosed bipolar disorder II), anxiety, and PTSD, and those too would’ve had to be addressed as I reached my high school years. I would have had all my diagnoses and been treated consistently from high school to college and thereafter. I believe had my mental illness been cared for sooner, I would have chased my passion for languages. I started to learn Spanish and French and adored them both, but like anyone with ADHD, you start many “projects” and have 100 going at the same time, but you can’t ever complete any. Also with self-esteem and self-worth (squashed by untreated mental illness and an unhealthy home environment), I would have applied myself in all aspects of my life and progressed more quickly professionally and in my relationships. I never had a problem making or keeping friendships, but I also didn’t show them all of me, just a few. I was the friend who quietly listened, gave the feedback that they wanted to hear and shelled out compliments like candy to avoid talking about myself. The perfect people pleaser, typical of a child of an alcoholic. But I did have a social life and friends, that wasn’t my problem. I had a terror of boys and men and didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 23 years old and I plan to marry in my 40’s. Maybe that’s the way it was going to be regardless, but I like to think that losing trust in men at a very young was a result of fearing my alcoholic father and growing up with parents in a dead marriage. I don’t attach mental illness to hiding myself from friends or being scared of males, but anxiety definitely contributed to feeling very uncomfortable around them, platonically or not. Doesn’t mental illness, though, impede life from moving forward? Not until recently did I no longer sense an immaturity (not naivety) that I had when thinking about being an ���adult” (i.e. sustaining a serious relationship, getting married, having children, etc.) It took time for me to get a proper diagnosis, which had a negative effect succeeding in romantic relationships and jobs, and may have correlated to the relapses I had from stopping my medication. To me, mental illness, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, undoubtedly stunted me emotionally and affected my growth into adulthood.

But, this was my path and I am who I am as a result. And despite the lack of mental health intervention and my many struggles, I’ve managed to find my way to create a life for myself, rich with wonderful friends and a loving fiancé, and will continue to push myself to grow emotionally and spiritually. This is why I am bravely taking on the challenge of blogging my way through mental illness and pain in pursuit of mental health, just like how I eat well and exercise for my physical health. My hope is that I won’t allow fear to stop me even though each time I sit down to write, I am slapped with paralysis. I have to remind myself to write from the heart and the words will flow. “There is no shame in your story. There is no shame in your writing.” I imagine the more I write the better my writing will become and the prouder I’ll feel about my progress. There’s only going up from here!