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[adamwatchesmovies]

Hellboy (2019)

If only it was one thing making 2019's Hellboy bad but it’s multiple things too numerous to ignore. You can see the movie it could’ve been just out of arm’s reach so maybe some people, under the right circumstances might be able to enjoy it... as a rental... maybe.

In WWII, Demon Hellboy (David Harbour) was rescued from evil forces and raised by Professor Bruttenholm (Ian McShane) to fight on the side of mankind. When the B.P.R.D. (Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense) learns of an attempt to resurrect Nimue, the Blood Queen (Milly Jovovich), Hellboy learns of a prophecy foretelling the end of the world.

I want to be fair. David Harbour is great in the titular role. The makeup and prosthetics to turn him into the red-skinned hero are excellent. I even like his performance as the sarcastic, frequently exasperated monster hunter. There are many creatures for him to fight and they’re all awesome. A scene in which we see a group of demons - the non-humanoid kind - is pure nightmare material. They’re so much more terrifying than any other hellspawn I’ve seen in any other movie.

Hellboy pace is reminiscent of 80’s slasher films, in a bad way. Every fifteen minutes, something gets torn to shreds in an orgy of blood and gore. At every turn, Hellboy reminds you that it’s R-Rated with foul language and gruesome deaths, many of which should’ve been cut out to either truncate the running time or give the plot room to breathe. Whenever Nimue invites Hellboy to rule alongside her, you never believe he’d be tempted. How could he be? Every fairy, witch, giant, dragon, goblin, etc. wants nothing more than to steal children so they can peel off their skin and suck the eyeballs out of their skulls. These are monsters fit for extermination.

The stomach-churning piles of limbs and half-digested corpses blend poorly with the film’s comedic attempts, resulting in awkward-sounding dialogue. You can see what it’s trying to do. There’s cool mythology on paper but the translation of Mike Mignola's work is muddled up by trying too much. This is most apparent in the special effects. Director Neil Marshall wants what films with four times his budget is doing and it isn’t convincing. Some of the monsters move around weightlessly. When Hellboy gets tossed in the air the effect isn’t convincing and the absolute worst example comes in the shape of two ghosts whose designs so don’t work they’re embarrassing.

Despite everything, I enjoyed enough of the film to feel like I didn't waste my money. Even so, I can’t call it good. Bad special effects, dialogue, soundtrack, story, and an inconsistent tone, combined with an end-credit teaser assuring us more is to come force me to call 2019's Hellboy awful. (Theatrical version on the big screen, April 15, 2019)