#tho i probably wont bc i understand quality of life better now than i did when i was younger

[twodogsoneguy]

I went to bed around one am today. Athena woke me up again around two, vomiting. I called the vet hospital to ask them about it, and about when she’d had her last antiemetic. They said that her last shot had been Saturday (lol) after admission and that it was very normal for her to have vomited bc of how long it had been. She should’ve had another pill at three yesterday afternoon so twelve hours later it makes sense that she’d puke. Puking is a part of renal failure; I don’t know exactly why but it’s one of the things taken into consideration about when euthanasia will be the correct course of action. If the dog is vomiting frequently and cannot keep down fluids and food, quality of life has decreased enough that euthanasia is probably the correct choice, however if controlled with medications you can kinda wait.

I’m trying to wait until this weekend for her euthanasia, though I don’t know if I’ll be that lucky. My mother is having surgery tomorrow, and will be in the hospital until Friday. Athena has been such a blessing to her as well, and I would love for her to be able to share in her euthanasia, however both of us have agreed that Athena’s comfort and quality of life comes first and if she declines majorly before my mom can come home we will go ahead with the euth at the best possible time.

I guess I wanna take the time on this post and talk about at home euthanasia. There’s not always a service for this, though sometimes vets will travel to your home regardless of whether they participate in a service or not. At home euthanasia is more difficult during the pandemic, though my local service is still providing this option.

There are several benefits to at home euths. First, your pet will be in a place that they are already comfortable with, and you can usually pick a spot where they will be the most at peace while they pass. It saves you the trouble and heartache of traveling to a clinic and the logistics of getting your pet transported because there are no ambulances for animals. Performing it in your own home is often easier on you as well. Another benefit not often talked about is that if you have other pets in your home, they can either witness the passing or be allowed after your pet has passed to investigate the body and understand what happened. There is also often more dignity and compassion in home euthanasia, your pet will pass without having to go through an intake at a clinic or veterinary hospital and you can have them when it’s best for you, rather than on a clinics schedule or as a last minute emergency. The service that will be taking care of Athena also provides resources for grief and mourning your pet, as well as suggestions of local resources should you need them. In addition to all of these things, like with any euthanasia there are many options for your pets aftercare, from home burial to cremation and urns and mementos that memorializes your pet.

I have personal experience with at home euthanasia already; it was how we helped my parents dog over the rainbow bridge last year. She was very old, around seventeen if the estimate of the shelter was correct, and her mobility had decreased to the point where she had very low quality of life. She had a very peaceful passing in our living room, surrounded by her family and after having lots of yummy treats. Afterwards, we were able to allow both Athena and Harley time to see her and understand what had happened to the matriarch of their little pack. It was so beneficial to both of them, while we did see grief symptoms in them, they seemed to fair better in terms of anxiety and confusion and moved on in a more relaxed way. We opted for her to be cremated alone so that only her ashes would be in the container we received. We also had them do clay imprints of her paws, which are a sweet keepsake to remember her by. We opted to not get a fancy urn for her, given that at some point I hope to bury her on my own land. There’s is something to be said for being able to watch your loved one die in the comfort of your home; I’ve also done euthanasia at a hospital and while they did everything they could to make the dog comfortable and the process as easy as possible, it hurt a lot more because it was a strange environment and you could tell she was stressed because of that in addition to her condition.

With Athena I plan to do similar things as we did with my parents dog, I will have her cremated alone and get paw prints done. I also am going to try and get an ink imprint of her paw so that I can have a memorial tattoo done when time and conditions permit. Her euth will be slightly different due to covid, we will have to practice social distancing and rather than being in our living room we will have the procedure done in the backyard per health standards in our state. I think it’s fitting though, to have her pass in her favorite portion of the “house”. She has spent countless hours in the backyard, watching the birds and the squirrels and bunnies, soaking up the sun in the summer and rolling in the snow in the winter time. I’m going to try and plan for an evening time, because the light is perfect around that time this time of the year and I want it to be as nice as possible. It’s hard to talk about these things, but I think it’s important that we start to destigmatize the conversations we have around death, dying, and euthanasia in our pets because so many people don’t know about their options and how they can help their companion pass with dignity and grace.

I will try to post more updates as we go along, though I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up or if I’ll be in a place where I can put my emotions into words. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Athena is dying and that there really is nothing we can do except keep her comfortable until it’s her time. Renal dysplasia is a killing disease because the kidneys are malformed from birth, though you can’t always tell. These dogs never have good values in their lives, though they often tolerate the condition for a year or two before becoming very symptomatic. The fact that Athena is 2yr 7mo is a miracle, most renal dysplasia dogs have onset of symptoms much earlier and pass at around 18mo. I am so grateful for the time we have had together, and that I will be able to keep her comfortable up until the time becomes right to help her pass on. I going to miss her so much though.

[anxietysroomsupport]

As bad as this sounds, I dont want to be alive anymore. Please dont tag the hotlines bc those wont do anything and i know i shouldn't be putting this all on you guys so you dont have to respond with advice or words of encouragement bc i just want to say this. I just know my life is going nowhere. I cant handle what my future going to be bc I know big things that are impacting my future1/?

I want to just get it over with bc the sooner the better but I live my mom so much and I dont know what this will do to her. But it's also my choice whether or not I decide I want to live this life (this sounds so depressing, I'm sorry I've never told anyone this) I dont want to talk to someone who knows my legal identity bc I'll definitely be sent to an asylum for these thoughts. I just want everything to be over. I want to be dead 2/?

I know for a fact my future is going nowhere (dont say that to be self depricating I just know what's going to happen) I dont know why I feel this way, I just do. Theres nothing for me to live for, nothing whatsoever. I dont mean to sound like a typical depressed kid who loves attention I just wanted to tell someone this bc I need to talk but honestly this is just the shell of the things I want to say but I have no idea how to word all of my thoughts(I dont mean to sound overly angsty, sorry)3/4

My grades are terrible and by how bad they are I'll never be able to get them up. I just dont see a point and just continuing if I know exactly what is going to happen and I have no power over what will happen. Sorry I sent in so much, I didnt want to type a lot but I needed to tell someone just to hear their words and again I dont mean to dump thos big load on you so again you dont need to respond with words of encouragement or anything (I actually prefer you dont bc they wont do anything) 4/4 

Ask Blog Challenge Mode

don’t tag the hotlines

no words of encouragement

Challenge Accepted

Please note that if we start to sound encouraging, it’s entirely because the facts are just innately encouraging and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. :) 

Hi Anon,  

Miss Fay- Hate to break it to you, pal, but nobody knows the future.  To all our readers, add a comment if your life did or did not go as expected?  Mine sure didn’t.  Please and thank you!

I did find this website just talking about what to expect from psychiatrict holds.  Cold, hard facts.  It’s a pervasive misconception that people can still just get sent away, never to be heard from again.  It varies by state, but most places cannot legally hold you for more than 3 days.  And sometimes they actually help.  From the website: “For people with mental illnesses or their loved ones, it's important to understand two things. One, police and medical providers only commit patients against their will during extreme cases. Two, involuntary psychiatric holds are performed with the patient's best interests in mind; they're not an arbitrary punishment.”

Now, I’m gonna wax philosophical for a minute, then Kai’s gonna bring it all home with some Real talk.

Often when the future looks bleak, it’s because we’ve narrowed the focus too far down.  We’re only seeing one path and it’s typically one that was laid out for us, and told to us as “the” path for success.  We’re either on it or not, and if you’re not, then every step automatically feels like the wrong direction.  But that’s too extreme, too limiting.  

Think for a minute about what You want.  If you had to keep living, what would make that life bearable?  What would you pursue, what would You look for if you had no expectations placed on you by your teachers, your friends, your mom (even though you love her and she loves you, there are always expectations).  

Kai-I’ve also been dealing with depression, which is what this sounds like, for a really long time. I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, Anon, but depression causes physical changes in your brain that make you less likely to notice good things in the world and your life, and more likely to imagine the future in a negative way. I do think that’s worth considering at least. I also think it’s important to remember that school and academics are not the path for everyone. Some people are bad at school, and will still go on to live full and wonderful lives.

But I do understand the idea that your future is definitely going to be bad. I have several degenerative disabilities. Barring a medical miracle, my quality of life and ability to do things is going to decrease and I probably won’t live to be very old. All of which limits my ability to see a very bright future, especially in periods where that loss of ability is sped up for whatever reason. I’ve found that all I can do is find little reasons to stay alive. I have a couple friends who I know would be upset. I have a cat who would be devastated. I also set up things to look forward to. Sometimes they’re big, like a trip or soon I’m getting a service dog puppy. Sometimes they’re small, like a package coming in the mail or plans to go somewhere. None of these things change the situation or make the big Future™️ better, but sometimes it’s really about taking it one day at a time.

-Miss Fay, Kai