#thisturnedintoacurlyhairfetish

[volklana]

Love's The Death of Peace of Mind

Title Comes From This Song:

Cannot recommend enough listening to this song as you read it set the whole tome for me writing.

Request: Please I'm on my knees a modern Sihtric x reader where they hate each other. But somehow end up fucking and then become obsessed with each other. I've seen with your Bucky fics that you sometimes use songs so could I suggest The Death of Peace of Mind by bad Omens? I'm already drooling...

Modern!Sihtric x Reader

Warnings: Hints of slight alcohol abuse. If that isn't for you, please don't read, protect your peace and you can catch me next time xx

I don't know why but I hyperfixated on Sihtric's hair in this one??

You felt stupid, walking up the steps to the club with the small gift bag in hand, the loud music already blaring before you even made it inside.

Your eyes scanned the room for the one person you knew in the city, slightly regretting that you had agreed to come out to celebrate his birthday but he had assured you his friends would love you, and when he got down on his knees at work amidst the pile of band shirts you were attempting to fold and begged you to come, you just couldn’t refuse him.

You finally spotted him laughing easily with a group of friends and shyly made your way over.

“You came!” he shouted, placing his drink down on the table and running to meet you, picking you up and spinning you around as you laughed freely, despite your nerves, “You got me a gift?” he exclaimed when he finally placed you down.

“It’s only something small,” you laughed at his childlike excitement.

You had left an incredibly shitty relationship and moved to London, a few months ago, but it wasn’t until you started working at a backstreet record store that you had met Osferth, and surprised yourself at how quickly you two had become friends. 

He didn’t exactly give you a choice.

Soon another pair of strong arms pulled you in for a hug and he introduced himself as Finan, winking at you and you felt your cheeks flush.

Osferth brought you over to the table they had been sitting at and introduced you to a couple who were seated.

“Uhtred. Gisela, this is y/n!” Osferth shouted over the music and Gisela was rising out of her seat like lightning “Finally!” she exclaimed coming to give you a hug, “We’ve heard so much about you! It’ll be nice to finally have another girl to keep these guys in check!” you giggled and squished her back in appreciation, throwing a smile towards Uhtred who was patiently waiting his turn to give you a hug. 

“I’m not sure where Sihtric is but you’ll meet him tonight too,” Osferth grinned and Gisela leaned in closer to your ear, “Don’t be offended if he doesn’t react too warmly. He’s shy.”  You nodded, thanking her for the heads up.

“I’m going to get a drink,” you shouted over the music and Osferth rose too, “I’ll come with you,” he offered and you shook your head, “Stay and enjoy yourself, I’ll be right back!” you countered and he smiled happily taking his seat again.

You pushed your way through the sweaty bodies on the dancefloor, making your way across to the bar and tried to settle the nerves in your stomach. You were so out of your comfort zone, that you’d already decided you would have two or three drinks and dip out early and leave Osferth in the very capable hands of his friends.

You ordered your usual drink and then for good measure, ordered a shot for some liquid confidence. It was then you spotted what you thought was the most gorgeous man you had ever laid eyes on, leaning with his back against the bar, eyes watching the dancefloor with a drink in hand, His black skinny jeans were tucked into a pair of doc martens and he was wearing a grey and black plaid shirt over a black tee, his hair was pulled into a bun at the nape of his neck. He must have sensed your gaze because suddenly his eyes were on yours and his face hardened, eyeing you with uncertainty. You quickly downed your shot and made your way back to Osferth’s table. 

You chatted easily with Gisela, already making plans to meet her for coffee and swapping numbers. Finan was laying the flirting on thick but you quickly realised it was his way of teasing and he almost lit up when you began giving it back just as good.

When you finished your drink, you were relieved when he offered to grab you a fresh one as he went to order himself another pint.

“Sihtric!” Osferth shouted “Finally, come here I want you to meet y/n”

Your stomach dropped when you realised it was the guy from the bar. He simply nodded your way in acknowledgement, and it was only under these lights that you realised that he had two different coloured eyes, and his face twitched in amusement.

“Your friend has a staring problem Osferth,” he teased and you felt your cheeks heat up and wanted the ground to swallow you whole, “I’m Sihtric,” he nodded your way.

 “Nice to meet you, you managed a small shy smile his way and Gisela, squeezed your leg with a knowing smile. 

After a couple of drinks you made your excuses, reminding Osferth that you had taken the opening shift so that he could sleep off his hangover in the morning. Sihtric was once again nowhere to be found, so you said goodbye to the rest of the group, promising you would come out again soon. 

You pulled your leather jacket tighter around your body as you took your phone out to book an uber.

“Leaving so soon?” a cocky voice called over your shoulder and you turned around to see Sihtric propped up against the wall, exhaling cigarette smoke, as he flicked the ash from the top of his lit cigarette.

“Yeah,” you sighed “I’ve got work in the morning.” 

“Thought you’d be heading back with Osferth, giving him his proper present,” he smirked, taking another pull of his cigarette and you glared his way.

“It’s not like that. We’re just friends.”

Sihtric threw his cigarette away and moved towards you, “So you’ve no interest in letting him take you home and having his way with you?.” 

“None,” you shot back indignantly. “Maybe, you can’t keep friends without fucking them, but I’m not like that.”

“Hmm,” he considered, moving into your space, “But we’re not friends, and I’ve seen you looking at me all night. Maybe you’d like me to take you home and show you a good time.” 

You wanted to tell him to back off, to tell him he was reading you wrong. But truth be told it had been months since anyone had ignited this kind of spark in and you had been lonely in this city.

You swallowed thickly as his two mismatched eyes bore down into yours.

“They- they told me you were shy,” was the only thing you could muster and he chuckled, deep and seductively he dipped down to whisper in your ear, hand snaking up to wrap in your hair “Quiet and shy are not the same thing, lady.” 

You could barely keep your hands off each other in the cab back to his apartment. He nipped and sucked the skin on your neck, and you were sure you would have to wear a turtleneck to work tomorrow to hide the evidence.

Sihtric pushed you up against the wall of the elevator and you were almost dizzy when he pulled away, spilling out into the corridor and through the door of his apartment.

He was rough and needy, barely allowing you space to breathe, pulling the sleeves of your dress down your arms and watching as it slipped to the floor, he made quick work of his own clothes too before he flung you on the bed.

He was a commanding lover, marking your body and fucking you hard and fast until you were a screaming mess, which seamed to only spur him further. 

“Say my name. Say my name love, I’m so close.”

You looked up at him through your lashes and it was like his name left your lips of its own accord and he collapsed a panting weight on top of you.

He snaked his hands around you, pressing you closer to him, “Such a feisty little thing,” he chuckled and you wrapped your fingers through his soft hair, pulling the band from his hair and letting his loose curls free, “So pretty,” you couldn’t help but muse, as his curls fell down around his face, but his gaze hardened and it was like the spell was broken.

He rolled off you, and slipped his underwear back on and began rummaging through his jeans until he found his box of cigarettes, he made his way towards the balcony before he threw a glance your way, “Do you want me to call you a cab?”

You whipped your head in his direction but he was keeping his gaze solely on the door to the balcony and you couldn’t help the shame pitting in your stomach. He wanted you to leave.

“Um, no I can get an uber,” you tried to answer nonchalantly, trying to disguise the hurt you felt at being used and the sudden change in pace. 

“Okay,” was all he answered before pulling the sliding door open and stepping out into the night air, as you watched the flame of his lighter ignite the cigarette.

You quickly pulled your discarded clothes back on and fumbled with your phone until you had successfully booked an uber through the app. 

You waited for Sihtric to come back inside, but he never turned to look at you again, feeling your stomach churn when he simply lit another cigarette.

Your phone pinged to say your driver was outside and so you let yourself out of his apartment, and down to the lobby. As you opened the door to get into the back of your car, you risked a glance back up to his balcony, you could still make out his silhouette and the little flicker of a lit cigarette, but he didn’t acknowledge you, instead turning on his heel and making his way back inside, and you cried the whole way home in the back of the uber. 

You never told Osferth about what had happened after you left the club that night, and you gathered that Sihtric hadn’t either. You did however meet up for that coffee with Gisela, mainly because she wouldn’t give you the option not to. 

“You’ve been avoiding us,” she murmured softly.

“I’ve just been busy,” you lied, stirring your coffee more than you needed to, and she decided against arguing with you.

“Well this Saturday is Uhtred’s birthday, and before you say you can’t, I happen to know you have the weekend off. I already checked with Osferth,” you couldn’t help but laugh at her eagerness “Please, y/n. For me. For Osferth. Please come.”

And that was precisely how you’d found yourself sipping a drink on the sofa of Uhtred and Finan’s apartment, music blaring and deep in conversation with Finan.

You were relieved when you arrived that there was no sign of Sihtric, and so had settled into an easy conversation with the Irishman, who was trying to convince you to let him tattoo you, opening up his instagram to show you some of his work.

“Sorry I’m late,” a voice announced from the hallway, hauling in a crate of beer, “My last appointment ran a little over time.”

“Sure!” the Irishman taunted “More like you got carried away with that hot blonde I left you with.”

Sihtric smiled smugly, but his face dropped when he spotted you.

“Y/n,” he acknowledged.

“Sihtric,” you threw back and then turned your attention back to Finan urging him to continue showing you his work. 

You danced a bit with Gisela and Eadith, bumping hips and running your hands through your hair, you were tipsy and having more fun than you’d had in months, before you excused yourself to go grab a drink from the fridge. Sauntering past Sihtric without sparing him a glance.

You were about to close the fridge yourself, when someone reached over you from behind and slammed it shut.

“Were you just going to ignore me all night then?” Sihtric’s sultry voice whispered in your ear and you carefully twisted around, eyeing him cautiously.

“That was the plan.” 

“And why would you want to do that? You were screaming my name not so long ago.”

“I’m a good actress,” you spat and went to push past him, but he caught your arm.

“No, you’re not,” he laughed smugly and pushed you up against the fridge behind, “Bet I could have you screaming my name again right now if I wanted.”

You shoved him off you hard, “Go find someone else to hit and quit. I had my turn.”

Sihtric swallowed hard and looked like he wanted to say something else, but he simply let you push past.

“Are you and Finan a thing?” he asked suddenly, shocking even himself.

“Why would it matter to you if we were?” you shot back “You clearly don’t even like me, and I certainly don’t like you,” you spat before, Sihtric cut you off by crashing his lips to yours. You felt ashamed again when all your resolve melted and you allowed him to pull you upstairs into Finan’s room, taking you up against the wall, you dug your nails onto the skin of his back as you tried to stop yourself crying out when he came undone, panting as you came down from your own release.

“Come back to mine,” Sihtric pleaded and you were snapped back to your senses.

“What? No!” you shoved him off, pulling your panties back up, and watching as his mismatched eyes flashed with confusion. You were not going to give him the opportunity to make you feel like nothing again. You stepped out of the room, not sparing him a glance as you went and took your seat beside Finan, you didn’t see Sihtric again, until he slinked out of the apartment with a girl wrapped up in his arms and you had to hide the tears that were threatening to fall, telling Finan you were just tired.  

You stopped allowing Sihtric to be the reason you didn’t go out with your new found friends every weekend. Instead you both gave each other a wide berth, feigning politeness in front of the rest of the group but not speaking to each other at all aside from keeping the peace.

But why then did every night out end with your hands wrapped up in Sihtric’s hair and his lips on yours, begging you to come back to his place with him, but you always refused.

You tried to convince yourself it was simply sex, but the more it went on the harder it was to deny that you were developing feelings for him. That’s what made it so hard. 

And when Sihtric disappeared for a few weeks, Osferth told you he had gone on a retreat, you scoffed and Osferth looked confused. You just didn’t see Sihtric as the spiritual kind, but evidently you were wrong.

You joined a dating app and pushed yourself out of your comfort zone by agreeing to go on a date. Even if it was just to try to forget about Sihtric for an hour or so.

You spent hours on your makeup and settled on a black satin dress, a baggy denim jacket and boots. You felt confident for the first time since Sihtric had knocked it significantly.

But your confidence was quickly shattered, when half an hour turned into one hour. And one hour turned into two, and your date was a no show. You went to check your messages only to find that he had unmatched you and blocked your number, and that was that.

You had been ordering drinks as you waited and now you were drunk.

“Fuck it,” you sighed grabbing your jacket and decided on walking home.

You were drunk and it was possibly the stupidest thing you had ever done, but you were alone walking streets you didn’t quite recognise after dark and it happened like lightning.

Someone tried to pull your bag off your shoulders and you attempted to fight them off, you barely registered the punch to your pace until blood began to pump from your nose, the taste of metal filling your mouth as your attacker pushed you to the ground and made off with your bag.

As you gathered yourself off the ground you attempted to give chase but he was long gone and you weren’t even confident in what direction he had gone.

You walked in shock for a few minutes, holding your nose, tears spilling down your face and then you found yourself at a familiar junction.

The welcoming light of a lobby to an apartment building that you had been in once. You chanced a look up at his balcony and were surprised to find the lights in his apartment were on. Swallowing your pride you wrapped your jacket tighter around yourself and took the elevator up to his floor.

“Y/n,” he gasped, taking in your appearance “What the hell happened?” he rushed.

But you were frozen to the spot, shock beginning to set in, as you shook.

“I’m sorry to just turn up here. I didn’t- I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Fuck,come here,” he said softly ushering you inside. He was topless, in a pair of low rise black sweats, his curly hair hanging loose around his face, damp from just showering.

“What happened,” he asked again softly and you relayed the story as you trembled.

He looked you over, blood drying on your face, but thankfully your nose didn’t seem broken and you were very, obviously drunk.

“My phone, my purse, they’re all gone,” you were beginning to freak out and Sihtric could see it.

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, we’re going to sort it all out. Come here,” he subconsciously pulled you to him, rubbing soothing patterns on your back, heart falling at the feel of you trembling in his arms.

“Were you on a date?” he eventually broke the thick silence, you nodded and he tutted “What asshole would let you walk home alone in the dark after you’d been drinking?” 

You laughed dryly and his eyes shot down to look at you like you were crazy “The kind of guy that leaves you waiting for hours, only to stand you up and block you on everything. Just my luck,” you sniffed “The only two guys I’ve been with since I left my emotionally abusive ex have been even bigger dickheads.” 

Sihtric stilled, all actions and you froze “I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. I think maybe you should just call me a cab and I’ll go.”

Sihtric shook his head, pulling you into the bathroom and seating you on the tub, “At least let me get you cleaned up.”

He took a washcloth and gingerly wiped away the drying blood, you were surprised at how gentle he was capable of being. 

“We should block your phone so whoever has it won’t be able to use it,” you nodded, head spinning and he set about doing it all for you, he gave you his phone to call the bank so you could block your cards too. 

He went to make you tea and it was only when he was out of your space that you allowed the tears to fall, and you sat holding your head in your hands.

“What can I do?” he begged quietly as you sipped your tea, tears silently slipping down your cheeks.

“Can you take me home?” you sniffed “I feel stupid in these clothes. I think I need to sleep.” 

“You should sleep here, I’ll take you home in the morning, you’ll need to call your landlord for a set of new keys anyway.”

“I don’t want to stay here,” you suddenly panicked.

“I wouldn’t try anything tonight, not while you’re hurt,” Sihtric rushed, hurt etched across his features “I may not be a good man in your story but I can be..good,” he sighed in a small voice.

“That’s not- I know you wouldn’t-”

“-But you don’t want to stay?” 

“The last time I was here, you treated me like an asshole, Sihtric, how can I sleep wondering when you’re suddenly gonna decide to kick me out” 

“Y/n” he looked at you blinking frantically, like he was desperately trying to find the right thing to say.

“Please, just take me home,” you whispered and he was nodding furiously before he could change his mind. 

The ride back to your apartment was silent and you kept your eyes trained on the window, watching the London skyline fly by, your head spinning from the alcohol and events of the night. 

As soon as he pulled into your parking lot, you were pulling at the handle, before he had even put the car in park. 

“Y/n, wait…wait,” he grasped your hand, “I’m sorry I haven’t been the guy you want me to be. I fucking wish I could be.”

You pulled your hand out of his grasp and you couldn’t help the tears gathering in your eyes, “You know Sihtric. I could have loved you. But, you just wouldn’t let me,” you slammed the door and made your way up into your building before he could respond and before you lost all resolve completely. 

Weeks passed and you didn’t see Sihtric, nor did Osferth for that matter. He said Sihtric sometimes did this.

“It’s like he hits self destruct, he starts running around with his old friends. He goes on a bender and then he comes back when he’s worked through whatever it is he needed to get out of his system. It’s not the best way to deal with things, but hell if I’d been through the shit Sihtric has in his life I don’t even know if I’d be here anymore. It’s a shame because he is such a sweet and caring guy, he doesn’t deserve it”

You wanted to press Osferth on what he meant, but you didn’t want to seem so interested in Sihtric that it would raise suspicions. 

But it was evident that his friends were beginning to worry about him, you were worried sick but you didn’t even have his number to text him. Was it even your place to do so? 

A loud banging on your door woke you up with a start, and you began to panic, fearing someone was breaking into your apartment.

But then you heard it again, the distinct sound of knocking and someone calling your name, and you flung the door open to find Sihtric, slumped against the wall, very clearly intoxicated and upset. 

“Y/n,” he sighed, falling down at your feet, grasping your waist and leaning his full weight into you, “Please. I can’t stop thinking about you. The way you taste, the way you say my name. Please, I need you to just hear me out.”

“Sihtric,” you cried, raking your fingers through his soft curls, trying to sooth him “We’ve been  worried sick about you. I’ve been worried about you,” you decided to be honest.

“Please, y/n, I’m sick of pretending that I don’t care about you. I can’t do it. I can’t pretend that I’m not head over heels for you anymore,” the last statement slipped from his lips and he looked up at you wide eyed, fearing you would reject him.

“You’re drunk Sihtric, you don’t mean this,” you tried to sooth but hurt flashed across his face.

He suddenly rose up to his full height, cupping your face “You’re all I can think about. I thought by drinking I could forget about you. But I can’t stop thinking about you. You’ve been the death of me. The death of my peace of mind.”

“You don’t mean this,” you repeated, trying to reassure yourself more than him.

“Why do you keep doing this to me? You keep denying me. Keep dismissing me.” 

“You did it first!” you threw, and he had, Sihtric had rejected you first, forced you to build these walls to try to keep him at arm’s length. He looked at you sincerely, confusion written all over his face so you continued.

“That first time, Sihtric, you couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. After you’d gotten what you wanted. You’ve always just wanted the sex you don’t want me and I’m not going to have my heart broken again by another emotionally unavailable man.”

“Don’t you get it?” he spat “You have the power to completely destroy me. You already are. I thought I could stop myself from falling if I made you leave. I thought I could drink and fuck you out of my mind but I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. I need you.” 

He brought his forehead to rest against yours, breathing heavily, his eyes slipping closed as he held your face in his hands.

“You said you could love me if I let you. Did you mean that? Please tell me you meant it?” he begged and you nodded in his hands and he sighed in relief.

“I’m fucked up. I have so much baggage and I will probably fuck up a million times, but I want to try with you. I want to try for you.” 

“I always wanted you Sihtric,” you admitted “But this is a complete 360 and I don’t want to get burned again.” 

Sihtric didn’t know how else to convince you he was serious, so he pressed his lips against yours, Sihtric was not a man of words but he could show you with his actions.

You woke in the morning, encased in Sihtric’s arms, his grasp on you like a vice grip.

When you made to move, he refused to release his grip, snuggling further into you, but relenting when you told him you were going to make breakfast.

You watched him as he scoffed down his toast and took a big gulp of orange juice.

“Did you mean everything you said last night?” you eventually tested, breaking the silence.

“Every word,” he promised, looking right into your eyes sincerely, “I pushed you away because I was afraid to let myself fall in love with you, but all that did was hurt the two of us, and I can’t take back all the time we lost, but I promise I will try to make it up to you.” 

You considered him quietly for a moment, and he swallowed hard.

“I’m not sure how much Osferth told you about my past..but it’s not a happy one. It’s why I’m so fucked up, but it’s not a good enough excuse for the way I behaved with you. When we first met I was on a downward spiral, I had just come from the most traumatizing relationship of my life and you terrified the life out of me, all gentle and tender and looking at me like we could have been something more than just that night, and I panicked and I was cruel. ” 

“I’m sorry,” you muttered “I didn’t know,” you said softly.

“How could you love?” he sighed gently “I never even gave you a chance. But I have tried to be better for you. To be the man who deserved to be looked at the way you looked at me that night when you ran your fingers through my hair. That retreat I went on, I signed myself into a programme to try to get my drinking under control again, I had this whole plan to ask you out proper. To explain myself but when you turned up on my doorstep that night  I realised I was fucked, and the thought of you rejecting me, sent me into a spiral, and I hit the drink again.” He suddenly pulled his knee up to rest his chin on. “Fuck, I’m a lot right?” he suddenly chuckled, extending his hands out with a self deprecating shrug.

“Honestly, yes,” you laughed, examining his face, blushing when you found his eyes were already on yours. You still thought he was the most gorgeous man you’d ever seen on the planet and your breath caught in your throat.

“So where do we go from here?” you tried gently.

“C’mere?” he mumbled and you crawled your way onto his lap and he placed feather light kisses to your face.

“Will you let me date you proper? Take you out, show you off, be my girl? No more sneaking around. I want to tell Osferth and Uhtred and Finan.” You nodded, smiling as your heart began to flutter.

“You know Osferth is going to kill me don’t you?” he laughed against your skin and you laughed out loud “And I know that you’re going to have to learn to trust me, I’m not expecting it to happen overnight.”

You nodded, playing with the soft curls around the nape of his neck, and he leaned heavily into your touch.

“I want to trust you and I want to love you.”

“But?” he hummed.

“Don’t hurt me Sihtric.”

“Never again,” he promised, pressing his lips to yours.

“I fucking knew it!” Finan exclaimed, slapping Sihtric on the back.

“No you did not!” Uhtred laughed,coming to clasp hands with his friend, “I am so happy for you both,” he said honestly and Gisela came to pull you into a hug, you released Sihtric’s hand so you could squeeze her properly.

Osferth, who had been strangely quiet stepped forward, a worried frown across his brow, “I don’t know who I’m supposed to warn about not hurting the other. You are both my friends.” 

Sihtric took your hand in his again, pressing his lips to your hand, “I’m never hurting this one. I love her.” your eyes fluttered and you couldn’t help the shaky laugh that left your body with relief.

Sihtric had once said that love was the death of peace of mind, and if that was so, you were out of your own damn mind in love with that boy.

Tagging: @canyonmoon-2 @sihtricfedaraaahvicius @whitedarkmoonflower @shamrockqueen @thenameswinter99 @foxyanon @acdassenza @thatawkwardlittlefangirl