#thisazelife

[mysollicitusmind]

The Reminder.

This reminds me that right now, you are not mine to keep. That your heart still belongs to someone else that it's not me on your mind most of the time. That there are days where you are overwhelmed by the memories of warmth and it's not mine.

This reminds me that you are in pain. That you need your space even if you don't show it.

This reminds me that there was once someone who you treasured and protected more than me

This reminds me that there is still a shadow looking over your days and your still in the process of making lesser rainy days.

This reminds me that you are not mine to keep.

Not yet. Not still. But maybe someday..

[mysollicitusmind]

In one of my facebook memories I saw that 10 years ago I already started having major depressive issues and that eventually led to the makings of my agoraphobia. I talked about it with my doctor and told her that " I've been fighting for so long and yet I'm not winning" . Then she told me back." You have been fighting so long and yet you never lost."

That's a big difference.

Same issue. Different perspective.

“Growth always happens smaller and slower than we think it will; but those baby steps add up, and then one day you look back and see just how far you’ve traveled!”

— Steven Handel, The Emotion Machine: Self-Improvement in the 21st Century

[mysollicitusmind]

YOU SCARE ME.

I'm starting to see a good change in you..if I was my old self, id probably say that it's a good thing. I'd be sooo excited to help you be the person you should be. But right now? I'm scared. I'm scared that when you do move on and get better, you'll pack up and leave.

It's not something that you would intentionally do. I bet right now, your not even thinking of doing any of it. Our love is young and promises are easy. You won't even notice that you want to leave, it will creep on you like a thief in the night. Slowly consuming your thoughts. So little each day that you think it's not even there until the day comes when you wake up and you look at me sleeping beside you and the love you have for me is just gone. You won't hate me. There's no reason for hate but you feel different..indifferent. you don't hate me but you don't love me. And just like that, it's gone and your heart left before you did.

Why do I always have to do the fixing? Why am I so fond of picking up broken people? Maybe I was hoping that somehow somewhere someone would want to start fixing me too.

What does love really feel like? Coz up until now, I'm still trying to figure it out. Still trying to find that thin line that separates needing someone because you love them and loving someone because you needed them..it's a hard thought but something that I was never able to find the difference. Maybe this time, I hope...

[mysollicitusmind]

The most annoying part of being an overthinker is that you apply it to everything. Every move. You hang on to every word everyone says and it scares you almost immediately. You know you have become too dependent of them and getting out of that same thing scares you. It was already hard getting in. Being able to trust a person and now, untrusting them is a lot harder. You know it's gonna make you fall apart. But you take the risk anyway..hoping that one day. You'll be able to be more independent. But again, how?

[mysollicitusmind]

Maybe, Just Maybe…

Maybe, Just maybe..

I’ll find someone who won’t mind dancing in the rain

Who laughs at my silliness not because it’s funny but because it’s me

Whose face brightens up whenever I sneak a peak.

Who makes me laugh even when I’m angry.

Who gets all the eggs wrong in the morning because I’m the one who does the cooking

Who loves bringing lunch to work so he can share it with his work friends and brag that it was me who made them

Who pulls over at the side of the road for a pretty flower to take home so i would never have to wonder if I crossed his mind on a busy day at work

Who is excited to come home coz he knows it’s a place of rest where laughter is easy and burdens of the day floats away with a series of deep breaths on a tight hug whenever he gets home

Probably just someone whose love is so tangible..making it impossible to hide

[mysollicitusmind]

I envy the sun. For when it sets, it resets.

I wish there was a reset button to all these. I guess we all do. A time where you can go back and undo the mistakes that you did. It's quite alarming to think that everyday feels the same and nothing ever changes.

Well, today..I just feel like my life deserves a reset. If most people feels like they don't want to change anything that is in their life today, I feel like for me, I want everything to be just different. It's not that I have a problem with the blessings that God has given me since Day 1. I just think that things are so messed up everyday and.. it's time to get a chance to reset your life.

I wish I could 🥺

Over to the night and into the morning

[mysollicitusmind]

Photo grabbed.

The walk.

It was a monumental one. I guess at this point, I could say that I really had been through a lot. Probably a lot more than the regular people. The constant battle with my mental health and the never ending failing of my body. It sometimes feel like my body refuses to live and I just push it to do so.

It was one of those rare moments when he just said. "Do you want to take the stairs?, It'll just be like a red carpet". There's this wide stair in the hospital and we walked there hand in hand. Chin up. The he started saying "this is for us. This is for the times when we faced through a lot of things but we didn't give up. We were stronger and we fought our way through".

Cheers to couples struggling out there. We will surely come out stronger.

[mysollicitusmind]

Pain demands to be felt.

I wasn't wearing a smile when I met you. My life was upside down and you gave me a little bit of hope. You dragged me to a place where I thought I could be happy. Then you left. You said it was all just for the fun of it. I was hurt but I didn't hate you. How could I? When you where the one who showed me that I'm worth the attention you were giving me at that time. The sad part is, you left me when I needed you most. I told you I needed you. You said you don't want to be in a relationship, you said your not responsible enough that I'll be better without you and I was desperate. I was still in a bad place and you left. But still, I didn't hate you. How could I? When you gave me the one thing that would push me to be better? But the pain was there. Is it possible to feel pain but still love someone? A few weeks later, you told everyone that you are happy with someone. Broken was more than what I felt. I just know that it wasn't me. That maybe I'm not just worth it. That it's okay for you to leave. Because really, what can a girl like me give to someone like you. I just ended up accepting that.. no one would want to be with me. I mean, really. Then I lost "Eli". I sent you a message. You said you were afraid of hospitals so I didn't push. I hid everything to everyone. It was a mistake trusting you. I held ashes on my hands, saying sorry..because I can't do anything to keep him.. sorry because maybe I wasn't careful enough or maybe because I didn't have the courage to show him off to the world like his dad did. So thats why we lost him. I wanted to hate you. Blame you for everything. But I can't. How can I? When you gave me something that helped me stand on my feet so I can be what you dont want to be. Then you came back, you said sorry..you said it was your fault. You said you wanted to let me go. But I can't. Not anymore. How can I? When I've been waiting for you to love me all this time? But I guess the question is: Is it possible to love someone who deeply hurt you? I can still feel the pain but I can also feel his love more.

[mysollicitusmind]

WERE NOT SAFE HERE.

Were my exact words when I bolted up our bed. I saw a flash of light and suddenly I'm no longer where I am. I'm transported in a place where people are screaming. I can hear them in my head and they are telling me "You have to run", "It's not safe here", "They are coming after you", "No one is safe", "If you leave, you'll avoid bringing everyone down with you". "Run. run..."

I was sobbing. He hugged me tight. Whispering "it's okay. We're safe. I'm right here". I held his face with both my hands and leaned my forehead against his and told him "We have to go. It's not safe". He hugged me tighter. My sobs become louder. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest as fear creeps in. We have to go now before fear takes over and leaves me paralyzed. My feet are ready to bolt. My mind already making plans how to make my escape. Every route, every turn was already clear in my mind. I just have to keep running to lure away those trying to hurt us. I need to run. He kept on telling me to calm down And started asking me a few things." What's your grounding techniques?" He said, "5 things you can see,4 things you can touch?". "No.no. I answered". I tried to tell him until we got it right. Then we started again. He asked.."tell me five things you can see". I opened my eyes, didn't even realized that my eyelids were shut tight opening them gave my eyes some relief. I looked around and said "pillow, curtains.." I stopped and he urged. "What else?". I responded " Fan, bed, you". "Okay. Good. Tell me 4 things you can hear". He pushed. I replied " the mechanical hum of air-conditioning, the blades of the fan, the cars outside and your voice". He said "Good. Let's keep going. Tell me 3 things you can smell". He was hugging my tight again and for a moment I remembered we needed to go. I struggled for a bit and then he told me: "we will leave if you tell me this. Give me 3 things you can smell" he repeated. I answered " the soap on the pillows, my own perfume, your skin". And then asked me again. " Name 2 things you can touch". I tried to focus and said " the texture of our bed sheet, the warmth of your skin". He cupped my face and asked. " Name 1 thing you can taste". He suddenly brought his lips to mine.. kissing me slowly, as if I'd break if he kissed me intensely, it took a me a few seconds before I realized I was kissing him back. I tried to pull away to stop my sobs but he was holding me tight and I melted into his kiss and just like that--i was back.

#thisazelife

[mysollicitusmind]

Sometimes it just hits you. Right in the gut. Right where you think everything is just going great and then bham! The depression hits. It could be that something triggered you. A word. A snide comment. An unintended remark. The thing is it hits you real hard and it can't find its way out of your mind. Suddenly, you start making plans. Plans to escape, plans that one day everything you have will fall apart. The sad thing is, no one understands you. They will, for a while..and then, it starts becoming a drama. Now your a drama queen and everything you say is all part of the "drama". No one believes you now. You feel things you aren't supposed to but it's all engraved in your mind now and everything everybody says gets absorbed in the dark grey malivore you created for yourself. All the positivity they are trying to pass on to you are just like mythical creatures that doesn't exist in your mind anymore and it just won't stay.

Id like to say that people who killed themselves was just weak, they let their thoughts get to them. But as I have experienced the same thing myself. I know it's not just one moment that led them up to that moment it's the small things that gets piled up and everything just doesn't matter anymore. All you can see is the pain. The sorrow. Life became uninteresting. Life became meaningless and you lost the will to live. People say it's selfish. But when it's almost the end.. None of those matters. Their pain will fade away just like they would. Someday the people who remembers you would be gone and nothing will be left so..really. what does matter? If we would all be gone soon. Why are we still trying hard to live? Life is hard itself and living is a lot harder. For what exactly are we trying to stay alive?

[mysollicitusmind]

I've been saying this a lot lately. Everyday I wake up, work, eat then sleep. It's always the same thing everyday.

I was terrified of the future so I don't think about it.

I never had plans beyond a year. My plans were all short term.

I never thought I'd live long enough to get what I want for the future.

But then again, I met someone. Things changed. I started making plans I never knew I was capable of. My plans stretched to decades and not just a year. Suddenly, the everyday routine seems to have meaning. I'm doing this today because someday I'll be able to do this.

So I asked myself, if he ever leaves, would you still have plans? The answer is YES.

It will take time to revise the whole thing but now I know I'm capable of making plans. I know that I somehow will be able to live pass the age of 35 ( I always thought I'd die at this age).

So..I guess..I'll live and I'm not going back to square one.

[mysollicitusmind]

Sometimes there are just no silver linings.

You try to find something positive out of a negative situation, but really there is just none. Is hard to keep up with those kind of moments. Hard to accept that maybe the life that you have now is already at the maximum level. Like this is actually the top of your mountain and you just need to fight to stay there but there is no more climbing upward. It's done. Your done. You've reached your destination. You just need to grab on some roots so the strong winds won't make you tumble down to the foot of your mountain.

If this is all there is, can I really accept that? Knowing myself? With what I had been through and what I had achieved lately, lol. Truth is I won't be surprised if I started climbing my neighbor's mountains too. Hahaha

[mysollicitusmind]

There are moments where people forget what I can and cannot do. I try to be understanding a whole lot but at the end of the day. What I can't do are still the things that I can't do. How do you explain the most irrational fears you have? I listed some of mine that I can think of right now.

1. Fear of going too far away from hospitals

2. Jumping on a motorcycle when I panic and kill everyone on sight. Would have been better if it's only me

3. On the road with just 1 person with me

4. Water. I'm scared of drinking too much of it

5. Food. I get panicky when I eat too much

6. Waking up thinking that people forgot that I can't be left alone

7. Afraid that the person beside me is no longer breathing

8. Afraid of going to bed at night thinking I might not wake up tomorrow

9. Scared of all kinds of change

10. Turn lights off? Sure. Wondering if you've gone blind

11. Reading every movement of everyone around you all wrong

12. Always thinking they are better off without you

13. Thinking that they'll find other options once there are more available ones

14. Believing it's okay if they leave they don't deserve to suffer with you

15. Your always gonna be sick. All the time. Everytime.

16. You see no good days ahead.

17. You try to be happy with the simplest things and yet you know it's a desperate attempt to want to keep living

18. Scared that what if you run out of things to do? What then?

19. Anxious on keeping a job

20. Anxious on losing one

21. Scared of curfew because it means too little people around.

22. Scared if there are too many people around

23. Pandemic lockdown now feels good because it's sure and it's safe and no one is leaving

24. Afraid that people around you would compromise having adventures because they feel you'll be unhappy if they left you alone

25. Knowing you can't leave, saying it's okay if they did but blaming yourself for not being able to

26. Your guy gets so excited he forgets you can't travel

27. Your guy gets so excited he forgets you can't be left alone in the house

28. Your guy gets so excited to live with you not knowing that the next place would be a haunted house first before it becomes a home.

29. Your guy gets excited about babies, you got PCOS and you think you can't have one

30. Your guy gets excited about babies but you know that hormones would be too much and without psych meds, you'll probably go insane and end up hurting yourself or worst your baby

31. Feeling that if you wean off medications you'll never find yourself again

32. Feeling like when the time comes that you get caught up with life he forgets you got special needs and you are expected to take care of yourself something that you have never done your whole life but he expects you to

33. Believing that he would pack up and just leave because he is tired

34. Accepting that it's okay. It's okay. You knew this would happen all along

35. You got plans but then he doesn't think of Plan B's. What if? You never get better?

36. Toxic positivity is true.

37. I'm an overthinker? What dyou think?

38. Every fight you, you read the wrong signs and tell yourself. This is it. He is leaving.

39. Always thinking that someday he'll find a reason to go

40. Got kids? Disappointing them because you can't take them to school, go on trips or go to their meetings and be a mom

41. Hold back the kids from being their best because you can't support them to be more active when you are not

42. Kid got sick? How to go to the hospital?

43. Emergency at work? You need to get your husband? Just be a bad wife and ignore. Coz you can't leave the house

44. Kids need you at school? Call a friend. Your never getting there.

45. Your tired? You can't be.

46. Wanna stop? You'll die.

47. Wanna die? You cant

48. Wanna live? It's hard

49. Are you living or surviving?

50. Why won't people just let me die?

[mysollicitusmind]

YOU NO LONGER SEE MY EYES

You no longer see the fear in my eyes,

How i tremble even im right by your side

You no longer see the sadness in my eyes,

The tears rolling down when im out of sight

You no longer see the pain in my eyes.

How i lay still while screaming inside

You no longer see the love in my eyes,

The feelings i have are not bound with time.

[mysollicitusmind]

Asking for help maybe the last thing on my mind. I always try to make things on my own. It's really hard and today..I just need to write this down.

Hi love, sorry today. I got upset when I asked you Kung kelan Yung ride nyo and you told me Wala pang date and that your bestfriend and his gf will also be riding with you along with other friends of yours. At some point, yeah. Nakakainggit na you get to go to places. Pero that part, I think I have already overcome. I want you to to go to places and not get stuck with me in this four corners. Another thing that I got scared of is that there will be people in there who you would certainly get along with. You might find yourself talking to an amazing woman that has a lot of common things with you. You both love to sports, wants to travel to places, and can ride anywhere you want to. You may start off having simple conversations and without knowing you start thinking that you want me to be like her and eventually end up falling for her. I know this is waayyy to advanced stuff but that's what I'm scared of. Because certainly, in your circle you'll find someone compatible and the thing about that is that..it's okay. I mean it when I said I want you to be happy. And right at this moment, I can imagine you with this amazing girl riding into mountains, going into hikes, taking incredible photos. Living the life.

And you know what? I want you to have that kind of life. Not this one. Not the one that I can give you. So I hope someday if you cannot find me, I hope you understand why I left and believe me when I say that when the time comes that you have that..that you find that person.. I'll move away slowly and this time, I hope you'll stop looking for me.

I love you and it's weird to say but your happiness means more to me now.

[mysollicitusmind]

Little Do You Know

Little do you know that the best moments I had with you are the least exciting ones.

It was when we sat down at the front of our apartment talking about random things.

It’s waiting for a ride at the stairs of a closed bank in the night and just watching the other people pass by.

It’s you sleeping at the couch while I work on stuff

It’s you holding out your hand while we cross the street.

But most of all. It’s the first time you held out your hand. You had your back at me but your arms were stretched out beckoning me to hold your hand and then and there..I knew you’ll always have a place in my heart.

#thisazelife

#PapaP