#this would be a verrrry complicated multi-pronged conversation for faust and lucanis to have

[evenmorecrows]

ramblings about my rook ahead.

i think the longer his and lucanis' relationship goes on, and the more he learns (typically inadvertently) about how lucanis was raised by caterina, the more it disturbs him. faust, having embodied 'if it sucks, hit da bricks', would start to fantasize abt living with lucanis away from all of this crow business and danger and violence as he learns more about what being a crow Really means and not just the public face they put on, but he's also not stupid. he knows treviso is very, very important to lucanis, and his family is important to him, and the crows as an organization is important to him. not only that, but to ask that of him, he's feels he too would have to be willing to leave his work with the shadow dragons behind and... he doesnt know if he could do that.

and i think faust would have a lot of reluctance at bringing any of these complicated feelings up. partly due to him feeling like its not 'his place' to. i mean, who is he to tell lucanis that actually this is all very fucked up when lucanis doesn't seem to think that way? but it still deeply bothers him. plus he worries that maybe his own experience clouds his judgement, considering faust ran away from his (adoptive) family closing in on his 16th birthday and has been no contact since. he knew his adoptive parents didn't truly want him, struggled with loving him the way parents should love their children, and does that make a difference? is it... somehow better that caterina loves lucanis? in truth that thought just makes faust sick. not to mention faust knows now, at least on the physical side of things, he never had it as bad as lucanis did growing up. nowhere near.

ultimately faust just wants lucanis to be happy, warm, safe, loved. when he realizes the grip theyre all in? the cycles that, in that grip, might require perpetuating? (if they ever had children, either adopted or surrogate, would those children become part of house dellamorte? would they get tortured to become crows as well? faust would love to have children with lucanis, he deeply desires to, but... he doesnt think he could ever stomach letting his own children go through that. like i literally think faust would be more likely to run away with the child, even if it meant leaving lucanis behind, if putting the child through crow training was the only option. it would break him. possibly irreparably. but he could not stand by and allow anything like that to happen to his own child.) and that he doesnt know how he could ever even get lucanis out of it? if hed have the right to? god

i think lucanis catches on to something bothering faust as it builds, but i think neve catches it first. which is necessary for faust to be able to properly put all his feelings into words. way easier to talk through it with neve than lucanis himself, at least as faust is still reckoning with it himself.