#this wont go anywhere bc they wont ever bring that issue up again so ill stfu

[zatna]

soon i will write a meta about zatanna's traumatic responses to sacrificial characters and why she has, down the line, kept more of her cards close to her chest in hopes that the lack of knowledge will discourage people from trying to take the wheel on situations; an abstract way of forcing her own autonomy & ensuring they won't take unnecessary risks that she herself should do.

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell

[mousepatrol]

8.28.17

Yooo

Ok so today wasn’t so bad. I still don’t have internet btw, which is jjust so cool ofc… I woke up at 730 and chilled in bed for a lil b4 I got up and got dressed and got all ready for school. Catherine had to drive me bc my car was in the shop so we left at like 810 and got there around 830ish and we parked at horsebarn hill, which they added more commuter parking to! Yay! My class was in hicks so it was right there and then I had INTERNET! So I posted my replies yaaaaaaaaaay!

The first class I had was wetlands ecology and the guy doesn’t talk very loud but honestly he was kinda funny and seemed like a nice dude so I think its gonna be good and not too hard. We did an activity and for part of it you had to find someone who had been to minesota, and when we finished he called on me bc I had been there. It was weird, he asked weird questions that I couldn’t answer like which suburb was my family from??? And I had no clue… I just said we go to st paul. I guess he did his degree there so he thought I knew shit but im from cali baby sorry

Next class was in the basement of ITE so I had to RUN omg. Its already hard enough to go downhill from there to hicks, and going up sucked. But the second class was intimate relationships and OH BOY im excited for this class! The teacher sounds gay first of all which is cool even if hes not gay, and its about all SORTS off interesting things that I kinda just think I should know about. He specifically noted that hes going to try to be inclusive and we are going to talk about non hetero things which is GREAt. I drafted an email to send when im on campus tomorrow with questions about honors conversion and his research and stuff so I rly hope he replies

So then I went to the gym and did arms, and MAN my pump was awesome. I could pull 100 on the lat pulldown doing chinup grip and I could only pull like 80 last semester! I felt pumped. It wasn’t so busy bc I went at like 1130 when everyone was eating lunch so it was great yaaaaay! So then I showered and I met my dad so that he could get lunch and I could eat mine, and then I had to run nd get my last HPV vaccine shot and it hurt but I did great hehe and now im ALL DONE. No more fuckin needles for a while thank god. My arm is gonna be sore for like 4 dayss though, so that’s why I did arms today lol

Then we went and got my car and the tires apparently are worn down in weird spots so its kind of a bumpy ride but I mean… I will survive I guess. We also ran to target (altho I was fucking dying I was so tired) and we got a bike. We brought it back and at first I was having major issues and it was being shti and I thought it might not be good, but I took it around again and actually I think itll be fine. So hopefully thatll help me get around campus because last year I was fast walking a lot abd honestly like what the fuck. ALSO the buses are fucked up because theres a road closure and basically you cant get anywhere so I wanted a bike to jst be able to go fast. Its in my trunk and im gonna use it tomorrow… wish me luck

I came home and my dad eventually left and he gave me a card that had 140$ in it omg thank god I can actually pay for groceries while I wait for paychecks for a month. I took a shift Wednesday n ight with Meagan so things should get moving in that respect, I hope. Aw shit I GOTTA remember to bring my work clothes on Wednesday then, wow. I should have time to change and stuff. Ill also need two meals… ill figure it out I guess uhh

Btw I was so annoyed bc I cried a little when my dad left because I feel so bad that HE feels sad about leaving and it just makes me feel shitty… im in this weird limbo where like… he is still mean to me sometimes and he does bad things but its not as bad as it used to be but the past still HAPPENED sso I mean? Im not forgiving him and I cant ever feel comfortable around him and I just. I guess I feel like I should never feel sad abt it and im really not I just. Idk. Im not really sure rn.

Made some food and chatted with Catherine a bit, almost burnt my nachos but I saved them. The broiler is quite hot here. Then I excused myself at like 930 because omg I needed to fucking write like, im gonna get nothing done if I just get stuck talking to Catherine for hours every night. But tomorrow im coming home at like 330 and she wont be here for 2 hrs after that so hopefully I can chill and maybe make rice then and get a head start on things… that would be good. I have to do some reading for both of my classes so far but im not good at reading during the week, I might see if I can wait and read it/catch up/read ahead on the weekend when I have more time. Catherine will also be gne then and it’s a 3 day weekend so I think thatll work out well honestly

Well I gotta go to bed now I have a class at 930 and I gotta go early to work out this bike so bye

[cryincoward]

hi im not okay and i really hate myslef  i rlly hate myself i hate myself i hate myself bc im terrible i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate this im not happy i hate myself i hate myself i hate me i hatet his im not happy im very unhappy i want to die i wish i were anywhere but here i wish i could explain myself why cant i explain myself whats wrong with me sometimes i feel like a have a learning disability of some sort but i feel so bad self diagnosing but my therapist doesn quote on quote diagnose and i only got my depression meds bc my fuckin doctor finally prescribed them why is my mom a naturalist why am i the bad person why is my sister asking me so much and getting mad that im getting mad stop i dont know why the fuck i do anything stop asking why i do things i dont know and i maybe dont want to sstop it stop it be quiet just watch if u have a question ask urself before u ask me and the answer is probably bc i am stupid and didnt think of it yet i didnt think of anything better stop making me feel like an idiot! stop making me feel bad for being an idiot i dont retain shit  and i never will!! i hate myself thank you for reminding me! that im a fucking idiot! god!! this isnt about u ! this isnt some deep thing and my kids arent gonna resent me bc i cant answer everything theyll either look it up or not care enough! i dont resent my mom bc she is dumb i just dont ask her why she does everything she does bc she doesnt know either! stop doing this then acting like u didnt do anything! thinking is harde and it hurts and everything i see on tumblr about learning disabilities reminds me of myself and if i was actually diagnosed would u finally treat me differently are u gonna fucking go up to someone knowing they have autism or aspbergers or anylearning disbaility and just fucking ask them why theyre like that im sorry u dont understand what its like to not fucking know everything not everyone needs to know everything not everyone is like u and i kno not everyone is like me but i am REALLY not the one acting like they are its u! so often u bring up issues with me that really arent about me! but to say that to u in the heat of the moment you would only fight me on it and convince me that im wrong again but i am not fucking clueless i can tell ur damamged but ur hurting me when u dont understand that im not u! stop asking me why i do things i dont fucking know and my kids wont fucking care! bc i am a good parent u hate urs bc shes terrible u just associated her with dumbness dont put that on me im not the one who treated u like shit ! but i understand that ur at a different emotional level than me so i dont say all this to u just to get interrupted or bc saying it out of the blue makes no sense and i dont know how to begin the conversation and i love u but i cannot solely make u better bc sometimes i feel like u dont think ur hurt but ur clearly hurt but i get we also feel hurt in different ways and youve taken urs and made urself wanna succeed but i cant do that1! i cant even succeed in the first place im a fucking dumb shit ! and im so frustrated all the time i dont want to learn and i dont want to teach all i want to do is exist but u keep trying to learn from me and teach me shit and i just dont want it! I wish i were diagnosed bc itd be so much easier to use one word to explain my behaviour than try and think of a billion behavioral traits that let ppl know hey i wont remember u or anything u say unless we hang out often and if u try to tell me something i wont remember all of it and yes it does haunt me and ill think about it later if u dont understand pls fuck off bc dealing with myself already takes so much energyu 

im tired and were out of mj and im sad and it makes me question if my meds actually ever did help bc im so very sad and tired and i wish i was easy to understand 

sometimes i rlly connect to the whole ‘young girls being underdiagnosed’ thing bc when i was younger i didnt talk much but my parents didnt seem to notice or maybe im just imagining it all and i was a “normal” child but why am i so hurt now i hate talking all i do is get into trouble and say the wrong things and hate myself for it later diufhvnjsdgb

[mqcky]

for kate its boring

this is for kate and it is boring its just me answering questions bc i wanted to and im only sendingi t to kate ok?

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

i only have like 1 album but ok....

all night - bey, maybe sweet one u wont have nightmares tonight - father john misty, demo of the adams administration - hamiltn?, thrill of first love - falsettos, im breaking down - falsettos, sandcastles - bey 2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? omg idk.....maybe jenny slate or like .. oprah.......would be a good story 3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. im so lazy but the book is the secret history  4) What do you think about most? hpw much i hate the whole world!!! at least lately AMIRIGHT 5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? no who am i the pope??? 6) Do you have any strange phobias? tsunamis D: 7) What's your religion?     death 8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going inside LOL ;) 9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? a group of oscar isaac clones 10) What was the last lie you told? that i took tylenol when i didnt bc im afraid ill die if i take it :/ 11) Do you believe in karma? no 12) What does your URL mean? its my name w my last name as the a 13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? greatest weakness is that im lazy and strength is ?? people stuff i guess?? 14) Who is your celebrity crush? i think...we...all know 15) How do you vent your anger? calling 6 of my friends in a row 16) Do you have a collection of anything? playbills i guess but not on purpose except i spent 45$ on one once 17) Are you happy with the person you've become? ya 18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? hate is men talking and love is kates beautiful and versatile voice 19) What's your biggest "what if"? what if i cleaned my room 20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? bobvisutlt 21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. left is my starbucks cup and right is a pillow im in BED 22) Smell the air. What do you smell? like sweat im so gross and sweaty rn 23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? hoboken new jersey 24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? ??oscar? 25) To you, what is the meaning of life? being perfect for OScar 26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no i dont but when i was a kid i was in the car alone and put it in drive and drove it into a building 27) What was the last movie you saw? inside llewyn davis 28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? concussion 29) Do you have any obsessions right now? suits and the crumbling state of society 30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? probably idk! 31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? na 32) What is your astrological sign? sagitrasu 33) What's the last thing you purchased? food proabbly 34) Love or lust? love????? 35) In a relationship? with kate??officially

36) How many relationships have you had? 100?? 37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? lie and say we like the same thing even fi i dont like it

38) Where is your best friend? halifax :( 39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? watching tv 40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yes 41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? call the fire dept ? obviusoyl? 42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? a) yeah id get so much free shit are you kidding?? id tell people i dont know b) idk im really poor but id want to go somewhere nice w my friendos c) obviously ??? 43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? that one song by the weeknd. u know it 44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? jokes and lying to eachother 45) How can I win your heart? ^^ 46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? i mean i guess?? 47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? lowkey it sounds dumb but probaly like making a tumblr bc i met jess thru there and made other connections?? 48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “lived gay died gayer” 49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." blood 50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? purple  51) What is your current desktop picture? its like a painting but then w emojis replacing the OG face 52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? I THINK WWE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION....... 53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? idk probably none i love intrusive questions 54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? idk flight w no issues... like i dont die or get cold or whayever 55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? watching wicked w stephanie j block when i was 11 bc i didnt appreciate it enough 56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? lmfao HONESTLY my FUCKING BIRTH  57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? ??OSCAR? idk that feels like cheating ...... i dont want to bang other ppl 58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? usually id say ny but honestly rn probably like somewhere w a fancy beach 59) Ever been on a plane? yes 60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. oscar isaac, eddie redmayne in jupiter ascending, the other hot guy in jupiter ascending (NOT thumb man channing tatum), thats it honestly :/