#this week has just been crazy bc of the typhoon and I really needed a break 😞

[zuzusexytiems]

Jean and Pieck have had their fair share of fights throughout their relationship—arguably a healthy amount for the average couple.

They’ve never had one quite like this.

Read on AO3

Comments very appreciated 🥹

[ragingtony]

Wow it has been a MINUTE but hi I needed a place to express my emotions and feel like they were being shared, but sadly most of my friends aren’t capable of emotionally supporting me right now and I blame them and I also don’t because the pain I’ve felt these past few months have required a typhoon of attention and care that I thought they would be able to give me, but sadly haven’t. Leaving me to feel vacant inside and like I have infected wounds left to fester which is!!! Dramatic but honestly true?? I have a lot of physical pain in my body and I’ve been having LITERAL heart palpitations this week and it’s a chronic experience that I thought would have improved by now, you know? I thought I’d still be sad but I’d have some hope, but mmmm no I’m a black hole of a mess. All the love in my life seems to have teeth. None of it is giving me back what I need, and it isn’t their fault really. I haven’t been around, they haven’t been around. But something seems less helpful and cathartic about your friends helping and listening to you only AFTER you told them to. That doesn’t feel like real loving friendship at all!

And I love them? Right? But the last thing I want to do is watch my two friends, who are dating, be in love and gross in front of me, in my house while I literally feel abandon by everyone including them. Plus I don’t wanna be a bummer for them, but I feel like I’m a place holder for my one friend. Just to be there to make it more fun for her, so she can see me while she also has her boyfriend and I, again, am left to my own festering mind.

I’ve lost so much this year and today I lost two more friends and god, it just hurts. I’ve never been so sensitive in my life, I feel like drying concrete people keep painting in. My two friends said something nice about me the other day and I didn’t realize until then how low and awful I felt about myself. I forgot I was anything at all, and again going back to before, I’m so desperate for attention. A hand, a friend, a place. But I’m a consistent basis while I’m healing. And everyone is too busy and too distracted and I see their selfishness and am only reminded of my own in the first place. I haven’t had the chance to talk to anybody about how I’m feeling, and I’ve told lots of my friends directly I needed someone right now and they’ve consistently faded in and out. And I guess empathy and compassion are more complex and difficult than you’d think. It seems an obvious and easy emotion to tap into when you’re exposed, but when life is going well for you nothing is more contenting then turning away I feel.

And I’ve been criticized by my friends lately when I asked them for compassion that I don’t show my pain enough so they don’t think I need checking in on? And I get that, but they’re aware I’m in pain? And one was in my immediate space for a month and never asked me how I was or if I needed to talk. I’m again, unsure if she’s selfish or if I’m asking too much of her. And it’s probably both. But I can’t stand not being communicated with, especially now when I have so much I want to say and share all the time but no one wants to hear and receive it. I’m not sure what to do when I see her next, today she hit me deep again and made me want to scream all over again. She reminds me of a man, the way she gives so little of her emotions. How little she thinks of how her actions will affect others. She reminds me of me hoenstly and it’s probably why it’s so sickening.

And I feel like I just keep getting met with unkindness in my most tender moments and i become an ugly mess to the world and then people think I’m nothing when really I just need a fricken hug and a pep talk, but like twice a day

My two closest friends are in relationships that hurt me to see and I hate being that friend. But I don’t really believe in either of their relationships and especially think one of them is wasting her time with a guy she doesn’t make sense with. And she’s said out loud she knows it doesn’t make sense, but like me, she’sld rather stay in a relationship that satisfies the senses rather than go through pain of letting go and finding a better one. But god she hurt me in choosing him all the time and not even wondering how I might feel. We’re new friends as well, but I’m aware of her, is it wrong to expect her to be as aware of me? When living in the same house?

Like I’m not talking about just crying and feeling bad. I mean I’ve dropped to the ground sobbing on a public bathroom floor holding my chest so tightly because I felt so much. I’ve sobbed on trains and sidewalks and parks. Homeless people have come up to me and asked what’s wrong, my parents are like afraid of me because they think I’m a depression volcano. I write and think and write and think and it’s not helping. It’s an exhaustion I can’t sleep off, I can’t run from it, it’s like a fucking phantom. And the lonliness feels like a shadow that creeps up behind me and taps me on the shoulder when I walk home from the movies alone and go back to an empty apartment, or when I have food left on my plate and no one to share it with or when i want a second opinion or a new idea and WOW I get why people are driven to hurting themselves. The pain is so deep and so chronic and no one am reach you and no one tries and they mistake you’re sadness as being tired and it’s just a well of cold nothing forever and ever.

I think my last love ruined my life, in its current state anyways. The sadness I feel has infected every part of my life and made me someone no one wants to be around, because again, I’m dying for attention. I’m even writing thsi for attention! This is literally last resort material guys, tumblr. Like is it 2013? Come on. But I’m 100% in love with last boi, and he hasn’t spoken to me in months. I reached out to him last with a really vulnerable letter and he never responded. And he’s not a garbage boi ok, he’s wonderful and gentle and kind and forgiving and so fucking smart and a wonderful feminist and was so loving and um! I literally have never met anyone worth so much. Yesterday at Christmas my uncles who met him asked where he was and then said how impressed they were with him and I was like ! I know! He put the fucking sun in the sky! And he literally just called me one day and was like hey I don’t wanna days anymore bye. And I don’t think he was sad at all, not like I was. I take everyone in my life so SERIOUSLY like I’m so fucking intense all the time and it’s killing me now. Like he probably cried once and then went and played guitar and never thought of me again except to be like “lol hope she’s good tho”

And I know you’re thinking “um he doesn’t sound like he put the sun in the sky” but no no, he did. His only fault is that he doesn’t know how to communicate.

It’s crazy how you’re subconscious knows a relationship is failing before you know. I used to cry all the time and feel so lonely because I know he didn’t love me as much anymore. I felt him pull away and get bored of me and I got bored of me too and I got so stuck. I get it, I try to make one person my whole world and happiness and that’s toxic and I gotta work on that. I knowwww what went wrong and Part of me has days where i wannnnt him to be happy but! He LITERALLY hasn’t responded to me? After a whole year of being in love? And it wasn’t like oh we dated cool, nono, we were each other’s everything. Like we couldn’t get enough and he was the absolute best boyfriend ever and did everything he could for me and we were best friends and had so much fun. And we TRIED to be friends after this but I felt like he had no idea how much this destroyed me? So I tried to tell him and he said nothing. What do I do with that? He was the essence of light and life and now all I have is people around me who can’t be bothered.

When people go through a huge break up they deserve to lay on their friends bed and tell them about it and cry and feel comforted. And have their friends just be there, but! I feel like I’ve spent two months in a freezer.

I also lost my best friend of 4 year this year, and my boyfriend abandoned me like a week after and I’ve lost my two most intimate relationships at once and thought I had good friends to back me up?? So I’ve literally spoke to no one the amount I’ve needed and had them give me perspective and love and so YEAH I feel 1000 abandon and YES if you were WONDERING I already had abandonment issues form my parents so this is a cute common familiar thing that I feel like will take 16 years of therapy to get out of but it’s fine bc I’ll never find love like I had before again ok so I guess 2017 was the Golden year I have to go die now

Also astrology ruined my life? I think confirmation bias is so real and I looked for all the flaws in people and had them validated instead of seeing them as whole people and i made them people they weren’t. I also boxed myself in and limited my own abilities to forgive and grown bc the FUCKING INTERNET SAID Taurus’s weren’t like that, and honestly in the two weeks I’ve tried to break that mentality and have told myself I CAN be energetic and forgiving in my own way has made me feel 1000 times better because before I just accepted that it wasn’t possible. And I made my last love believe we couldn’t be compatible and I just kept everything about astrology in the back of my head and let it be true instead of actually LISTENING to people, like??? I met ppl while traveling and got anxious bc I was like omg what if they’re a sag and then I’m like, I’m enjoying them right now why does it matter? It’s ruinnnned me.

Anyways everything just keep going wrong. Don’t even get me started on my job situation, I haven’t even thought about it. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to do anything. I’m cold and hate winter and darkness and god my roommate can be so abrasive and cold and it makes it all feel lonely and impossible. I haven’t believed a good thing about myself in so long I feel like the ugliest person literally ever? And I TELL my friends I’m sad and they don’t even acknowledge my words? And obviously they don’t see the gravity bc they aren’t with me but AH I NEED ATTENTION TO FEEL VALIDATED right now, like people deserve those things right? And YES I do have a therepist if you’re wondering but she got married and the thanksgiving and then I traveled Europe forever and now it’s Christmas and ????

Im also sitting in an airport writing all this and I sobbed in the bathroom for a hot sec and my brother made fun of me and I’ve put a lot of energy into my friends ok? I got one a REALLY nice Christmas gift and i took another one to Iceland and I don’t hold those against them they don’t owe me in that sense. But I thought of them so much and all I want is for them to be aware of me and help me ???? Like idk, FRIENDS DO. And

Don’t think I can just get new friends. Like no way. Impossible. Adults can’t just MAKE FRIENDS

I also don’t wanna get married and have kids I think and idk if I mean that but wow I just want to sit down with my last love and scream cry until we feel better aka until he loves me again. Like I loooovvvvvve him, I’d never loved anyone I dated before. I was so proud of him and adored him and loved how he treated everyone he met and how interesting he is and how we could discuss anything and say anything and !!!!! I learned so much from him and uh hi I wasn’t DONE so if anyone knows him let him know I’m dying kk

Thanks 4 coming to my podcast!