#this was supposed to be a stress-free quick sketch and i. don't know where it went

[idliketobeatree]

painland week, day 1 : language of love do you have thirty years of practise in handing each other things or are you straight

[boxturret]

"One Sec Lol"

[disclaimer]I'm not insulting anyone's work on the project, everyone did amazing work and the project was shaping up to be amazing with everything I had seen.

I worked on the fan game Bionicle Masks of Power for nearly 2 years. I worked really hard on it, learned many things, used a lot of programs I'd never done before, actually worked up the nerve to use a mic for the first time, etc. Over time I got promoted to the head of two departments, 3d art and level design, basically because I was around a lot and kept things organised.

Then one day, with a "One sec lol" I was completely demoted, in a dehumanising, buzzword filled message. It called working on the game a "Journey". Now the reason I was demoted I won't really dispute, I was under a lot of stress, and sometimes I'd get upset, but these things don't happen in a vacuum, I don't get stressed for no reason.

The team was for the most part a bunch of really good, talented people that I enjoyed working with immensely, but there were some who were more focused on the glory (of making a free fan game for a 20 year old dead toy line... look, getting 200k views on the teaser went to their heads) so there was this constant push to get things...not done, because that wasn't really their concern, it was get things in a state where they could be shown off. And not a "here's a work in progress asset" sort of shown off, a "2 Paragraphs of fluff about the game, talking like it's already done, not actually mentioning the assets we're meant to be showing off" sort of thing.

The image in this tweet was meant to show off the newly (semi) completed UI, you know, that thing on the edge you can't see?

The 80/20 rule seemed foreign to them, where 80% of the work takes 20% of the time, and the final 20% of the work takes 80%, so someone would get a quick rough draft of an asset done in like a day, and they'd start pushing us to get it complete so we could show off, even though it would normally be months for something to get there.

This image here, of Pohatu in the desert. Do you know what it was supposed to show off? If you guessed the desert, no! That whole scene was thrown together by one person in like a day, it's completely fake, no work had been done on the desert at all. It was supposed to show off the Toa, as we'd just reached a pretty big milestone of completing and texturing all the parts and most importantly the masks. You know, that tiny thing that's facing away from the screen?

Originally the idea was to just show off the Toa in all their glory in their biome, but it mutated in to that...thing. There was work on a second one, but everyone finally realised that it was just looking bad so it was cancelled, thankfully.

This constant push to get things done to show off was so pervasive, and always seemed to fall on my shoulders, being the 3d art and level design lead, even though the real bottle neck was programming. We only had 3-4 programmers of very limited availability. When I first joined the team as a 3d artist I was basically given makework tasks to do, things of no real consequence, most of which got thrown out. (why make random set dressing objects for Ta-Koro, a place that hasn't even been roughly sketched out yet, for example)

This only got worse when I was put in charge of level design. The levels themselves are the prime thing to show off things in, so there was this constant push to get the levels finished, which I always pushed back against because, and I need to really stress this, the game was in a suuuper early state, and still is. If you've played the stand alone game Trials of the Great Spirit, that area was initially supposed to be the intro to BMOP proper, but the gameplay evolved so much that it became unplayable. At one point there was even the suggestion of keeping the TOGS area with the old player movement. As this was supposed to be the player movement tutorial this was dire and shows the danger of putting work in to making a level look nice too early, you run in to the sunk cost fallacy. Making a level look nice takes a lot of work, it's very fiddly, moving around little decorative objects and getting textures right, and you don't want to have to redo it a lot, which is why most games are blocked out first, meaning that the basic level geometry is created with basic shapes, and once everything is refined then they move on to actually making it look nice. As level design lead I insisted that we do this, because most previous attempts at making levels had spent way too much time worrying about the looks.

One of the first things I was tasked with as a 3d artist was to make a series of modular tree bits:

I was given nothing but a pair of images as guides of what they wanted.

So I worked really hard to try and make a modular system that would allow some interesting level layouts. Once I made the rough version pictured do you know what I was asked to do? Texture it. Make them in to final assets. No testing at all, no time to see if they'd work for the levels they wanted, nothing. Just rough>final for platforming assets immediately.

Well I knew that if I did that it would just end up getting tossed out eventually so I refused, and guess what? These were made before the movement refactoring so they're completely useless now![emphasis added because people keep missing the important part]

So now you see why making sure everything was finalized before doing final art was so important, which is why I would always fight against moving on to set dressing in the demo, because the demo wasn't and still isn't done, not even close. Having been put in that situation where I was told to work on something that would inevitably be tossed out later, I didn't want to put anyone in the teams I was responsible for in that situation, it's not like there wasn't a shortage of things to work on anyway.

Basically I was put in the situation where I had to constantly say no to all these, I'll call them what they were, marketing ideas, due to the game not actually being in the state it was being presented as. The video released on 8/10 this year was cobbled together from a bunch of unfished assets, barely functioning in an area that was designed just as a goal for set dressing to reach in a real level. It took the poor dev who had a computer good enough to run it hundreds of playthroughs until they got one good enough to show off, avoiding most of the bugs. And now seeing all this, know that I had to spend literal DAYS trying to convince everyone we should have that tiny disclaimer on the screen (every one else was worried about the aesthetics).

So this was the source of most of my stress, trying to focus on making a game while fighting against those that wanted instead to act like we had made a game. That's what lead to my stress and occasional outbursts, and me just in general getting fed up with working on the game.

After I was demoted, for the next week or so I was miserable. The way it was done just completely destroyed any sort of comfort I had in the team. I'm very shy and introverted, it takes me a long time to warm up to people or a place, and when something like that happens, it's all gone in an instant.

I didn't feel comfortable in the chats anymore so I left, I tried to explain myself to the person who demoted me and they just ignored me for several days at a time, leaving it to all spiral out of control in my head, another person said conflicting things that just made it worse. "It's not a punitive measure" "We appreciate your work" "You should be thanking me you didn't just get kicked off entirely" forcing me to grovel at their feet etc. It was all so much.

The final straw, and what got me kicked off, was do do with a document I had spent 9 months creating, that outlined a possible way of structuring the whole game. Before I started trying to get some structure in to it, the game design just seemed to be a big question mark. 6 playable characters needing to collect 11 upgrades, it's quite a complex thing that doesn't really track to any other game I've seen. The first version, Legacy, was simply a fully open map with the masks scattered about, but that wouldn't do with the level of detail and gameplay complexity we were aiming for. I eventually worked out something I thought would work, using a system of context sensitive gates, and I wrote and did many diagrams on the subject.

After I was kicked out of the leads, not a week later they announced big sweeping changes that were basically what I had been pushing for for months. There was something I was unclear on, a sort of gate for Kopaka involving wind, and I asked what it was. The new level design lead, the person who I had explained the concept of gates too, then proceeded to tell me what a gate was.

This was it. I was done. A week after I get kicked off the lead team and I'm treated like I didn't do anything. Then later I was confronted by another lead, and forced to post PROOF that I'd actually posted this document I'd spent 9 months publicly working on, that we'd had a whole meeting about with the story team, the document that got me promoted to level design lead.

In the moment, was too much for me, with everything going on with the game project and stuff in my personal life being stressful at the time, I genuinely didn't want to be around anymore, it was too much for me, I wanted to disappear. I tried to tell one of the leads this, and was ignored, I tried to speak openly to the team about it, I was censored, probated, then the next day, before I'd even woke up, kicked off the team. For being "negative". I was then told that if I didn't want things I'd made to be used I could ask them, but the only things they listed were the makuta totems and some jungle assets which I didn't even know what they meant.

So 2 years of work, and all I'd done for them by their account was a noodle and some wood.

[clarification]I'm not implying that they stole anything or are using assets without my permission, it's more that I've worked on this game for nearly 2 years and made sooo many things, yet all they could list were the things I did in the past month. Sorry for any confusion.

Just keep working like a good little drone, no matter how much disrespect we throw at you. This is Team Kanohi.

I wanted to put this all behind me, but someone on the team had the gall to request the very document I was accused of pretending to have made (I mean who ever asked for it on the team, not who asked me personally, just to be clear) , so I'm just so fed up with them. I was paying to host the bulk of the parts and 3d assets out of my own pocket, and it took them like a month to bother moving things, by which time I got charged.

Here's a quick overview of some of the things I worked on, it's not comprehensive at all, it barely mentions the atlas system, but I'm so emotionally drained that I don't really want to bother with all that. It's also not just a noodle and some bits of wood though.

I want to reiterate that I genuinely enjoyed working with most of the people on the team, and I wish them well.

I just want to add one more note: I was personally asked to join the team, I was asked to be 3D art lead, I was asked to take on the Level design leadership role, and even after I was demoted it was still seemingly thought that I would do everything I had been doing up until that point. I never asked for these roles, I accepted them because I believed in the game project and wanted to do everything in my power that I could to make the game as good as it could be.

[chipistrate]

Me when I fall asleep! Hi bestie, I just wanna know... How do you draw hands?? You have a certain style to it, that makes it look so shaped yet still fluid like... I can't describe it, but what's your process when drawing ✨hands✨ (...of tiIIIME– sorry.)

Huh! Well I guess I never really thought about it... I kinda just auto-pilot when I draw hands now that I think of it, so I don't really have a "process" But I'll try to explain the best I can regardless!

Though not what I always do(sometimes I just wing it), I start with the usual shape base for the palm! Though sometimes I forget it's the palm and just use it as a base- and it's not a strict base! Don't gotta follow it 100%, if you gotta break it to make the pose work better, do it! I always have an idea of where the fingers will be when I draw the base, so I don't really map em out at all like others would with the circle thumb trick n all. (nothing wrong with that trick of course, just never worked for me)

More under cut!!

During the sketch I usually just vaguely map out the fingers like this, like mittens! And honestly, more often than not I keep em like that in the final product, lmao.

Don't be afraid to merge together two or more fingers if it helps get the pose across better! Just make it obvious it's not one huge finger by adding bumps or a line where the fingers would usually split.

I always add a curve to the base/fingers to make the poses less stiff! No matter the pose, I try to avoid straight lines on the hands! Even the slightest curve is enough for me. Though that doesn't always fit! Sometimes you gotta have a straight line or two, especially if it suits your style more! Nothing wrong with that.

Remember that the thumb and the index finger are attached! Try to make their lines flow together when possible.

Also, when I draw clutched hands, I make the index finger poke out a bit!

I don't usually draw hands with wrists attached now that I think about it(I like drawing long sleeves,,), but when I do, I make sure there's a clear dividing line between the wrist and the palm, so they don't look merged together!

Use reference pics when needed! Pinterest is usually my best bet for quick and easy hand ref pics of all kinds! Though you can also use your own hand! Whether by taking a pic or just posing it long enough. You are your own free model or something rejiagdlzf BUT if it's something simpler, I usually just pose my free hand under my desk and feel it out/imagine the hand and go from there.

And of course, the thing everyone says...

Practice makes perfect!

Though I suppose if I'm being completely fair, I never really followed that and just drew for 7 years and hoped something happened... I still struggle with hands ALLLL the time, but these are some things that I learned over the years that made em a bit easier! I guess my number 1 tip would be to just- not stress about it! I don't pay attention much when I draw hands and just let my brain go off while I think about I dunno Hatstache or something LMAO

But uh! Yeah! I hope that helped and was at least a bit comprehensible! Hope I didn't forget anything- If you need something a bit more specific then I could whip somethin up for ya real quick! Just ask! ^ This also goes for anyone reading- if I can be of any help, I'd love to try my best!

[whiney-wine]

Therapy~ February 11, 2019

This first words out of her mouth were; “tell me about your week.” I smirked. Her melodious voice echoed in my still mind.

“my week was good,” I said.

“So, fill me in, did you show your professors that list of symptoms we made?”

“no.”

“that’s what I guessed,” she chirped, “oh well, if you had given it that’d’ve been OK too. There’s always the option of doing well in class and then there’s no need to show it at all!”

I smiled. My mom told me the same words on the phone.

“Did you shower?” she asked. For the past few sessions I’d been showing up, rancid, in a 7-day shower-free streak.

I giggled, “yeah I showered this morning.”

“That’s a relief, eh— that you don't have to show up here and tell me it’s been three weeks,” she took a sip of her coffee while I suppress a laugh.

“How about school? How’s that figure drawing project going?”

“Good. I did a quick 45 minute sketch to show durring critique.”

“That’s good you got something done. Will you have it finished by the time it’s due?”

“Yeah. I’m about 75% done,” I boasted, “I drew two girls stranded in a swamp with bird-men crawling among the trees on watercolor paper.”

“That’s creative! Sounds a lot like your lizard people amphibian people psychosis theory,” she said.

“I always wondered what I’d concoct in another psychotic episode...” I trailed off.

“Say, thinking back on those episodes, how did your episode in December compare to your episode in August?”

“the one in August was way worse,” I said.

“How so?”

“Well, in December I remember I got confused, and that was really it.”

“What was confusing?”

“My thoughts. They got loud, and they were demanding all my attention— usually my mind is quiet— it was like there were little people in my brain,” I paused, “I only remember that happening in December.”

“Were the sounds coming from inside your head or outside?”

“Inside.”

“Was there anything similar between December and August?”

I considered this for a minute, “I thought I was under mind control both times.”

“explain.”

“I thought my family controlled my life.”

“Who in your family? Your mom? Your sister?”

“My mom mostly.”

She leaned forward in her chair, intrigued, “how did your mom control you?”

“I’m not sure,” I said, “I thought I could only do what she told me to.”

“What would happen if you didn't do as she said?”

“I couldn’t,” I protested, “I thought that all the choices I made were because of her. And even if I did disobey I would be fated to live my life as is.”

“Explain.”

“I thought fate dictated my life. I thought all my choices were preordained. And that it didn't matter what I did I’d end up in the same place whether or not I tried.”

“How did that affect you?”

“I suppose I gave up trying. What’s the point, right— when everything just happens the way it’s supposed to?”

“What do you think about God?” she said. I cocked my head. “How about what’s up there or down there,” she said as she pointed to the ceiling and the floor.

“I’m not really religious,” I said.

“Talking about fate sounds pretty religious.”

“Those are just strange thoughts from my psychosis brain. I don't really think about it now.”

“Try thinking about it now, to see what happens.”

I shrugged, “I suppose I believe in an energy or aura.”

“That sounds religious to me,” she said. I shrugged again.

“When you draw, how would you draw fate?”

“I couldn’t,” I said, “because it is both something and nothing.”

“You’re right; that’d be like personifying it.”

We sat in silence for a moment; “so, were you fated then to have those episodes of psychosis?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “but sometimes I think those episodes were caused by stress.”

“Then, that’s not really fate.”

“I guess,” I said, confused, “but maybe I was fated to be stressed and no amount stress-free precautions could have changed that.”

“What had you so stressed?”

I considered this for a moment, “before my episode in August there was that psych testing. I think that stressed me out.”

“What was so stressful about the psych testing?”

I smirked, embarrassed. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do know.”

I held her in a stalemate before finally speaking; “I felt like an experiment.”

“What made it feel like an experiment?”

“All the questions I suppose,” I said, “and the fact it was a test.”

“Did you feel like that, stressed, before the test?”

“Maybe a little bit— mostly during it, I’d say.”

“Do you think it was lucky or unlucky to go in for testing?”

“unlucky.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

“It sounds like there's a big theme about control with you— talking about fate makes it seem like you have no control but some of your behavior says the opposite,” I narrowed my eyes. She continued, “some of your behavior shows control, weather it be good or bad, take your eating habits for example” I was taken aback by the intelligence she must have to make such a connection. “Say, how has your eating been these days?”

“I’ve been eating normal,” I said. I had been too lazy to count calories this week.

“I remember last week you said you had been gorging yourself, and the week before that eating around 700 calories a day.”

“I’ve been eating normal,” I repeated. “Oatmeal, toast, some pita chips, those microwaveable vegetable medleys” I added, “and some skittles.”

“I love skittles,” she said, “what’s your favorite color?”

“The red and the yellow.”

“I love the yellow,” she smiled, “and the green. Not a big fan of the red, though. What flavor is the red? Strawberry?”

“I thought it was cherry, but I might be wrong,” I studied her raised eyebrow. “I like cherries,” I added.

“Do you buy the whole huge bag and eat them all?”

“No, mine was in the box. It was leftover christmas candy,” I said.

“Wow, takes you a long time to go through candy,” she noted.

“I don't like eating candy. It makes me feel gross,” I let my nose wrinkle in disgust, “I had a lot more candy but I gave most of it away to my friends.”

“Not a big candy person?”

“Nope.”

“When you say it makes you feel gross it sounds like it’s a feeling up here,” she tapped her noggin, “or do you feel it in your body?”

“I feel it in my body,” I said, “it makes my blood feel sticky.”

“So the more candy you eat the stickier your blood feels?”

“yeah,” we laughed together.

She let the laughter rest on her face before continuing;

“You don't talk much, but when you do a lot of what you say is important— maybe not the bit about the sticky blood, but definitely the bit about fate. You have a lot of important thoughts in your head.” My eyebrows shot up. Her words caught me off guard and I felt warm for sharing so much today.

I didn't reply.

We sat in silence more. I was smiling to myself, trying my best to cling to her words.

“Why are you smirking?” I didn't want to say it was because of her. I loved hearing what she had to say, I instead spoke of what had been on my mind earlier;

“I was just thinking about the last time I was here,” I said, “I used to keep a journal and I would write about our time together, but recently I’ve been finding it hard to remember,” I studied her round glasses looking for a hint of emotion. Her face was placid. “Last time I left I tried to remember what we talked about. But I couldn't remember.”

“I remember you saying the same about classes. That’s sad that you can't remember,” she sympathized. “Let’s try our best to make our time together memorable.” She stood up from her chair and meandered to her desk where she retrieved a pad of paper. “Tell me what your remember about today.”

“I remember we talked about fate,” and I remembered you said ‘that sounds like a hoot’ in response to what I can’t remember, I added silently.

She wrote on a paper for me;

She handed the paper to me. I smiled; her frilly handwriting danced across my vision as I read.

And like that our time was up.