#this was supposed to be a fun post about tara freaking out a bit when sam said that

[tarastabz]

"I want to be in your life, but only as much as you want me to be" "i want you to be!"

I just know pookster got scared for a second and thought sam was going to leave her again.

Also i think it's so interesting to see how Tara tries to push sam away all throughout scream vi, but then the moment sam is "letting her go", she goes back to her and holds her even tighter.

Imagine Tara trying to push sam's boundaries because she wanted to prove herself that she was the problem and that sam would've left again because tara was too much.

But then she sees that sam is not letting her go, not even a little bit, because she is the one person that really cares and loves her. She won't give up on her that easily. Even because, i believe that sam understands tara more than tara understands herself, and she knows what she's doing. She's not going to let tara use this self-destructive mechanism.

[laufire]

Supernatural s2

I’m halfway through s3 already (technically a rewatch, but there were episodes I didn’t watch the first time around), so this post is a little overdue lol. At this rhythim the posts will overlap. Plus I’m hoping I can finish s4-5 during the holidays to see the ~intended ending~ before I have to slow down on the binge-watch. After that, a season a month sounds achievable AND won’t take longer than 2021 xD

ANYWAY.

-Overall, I’ve enjoyed it more than the first one, but at the same time I’ve found myself missing how... claustrophobic? Insular? Compact? That one was. s2 was about the world opening up just a little bit more, introducing new characters to the brothers’ life, etc. I do love the detail that this is something that can only have, narratively speaking, once John is dead. Again: this show gets abusive families, consciously or not.

-The foreshadowing is beautifully done. 15 seasons make for a lot of unintentional and ironic foreshadowing later on, I’m sure, but the purposeful foreshadowing is superb this season. About the crossroads deals, of course, but especially about John’s last words. I already knew he’d told Dean he might have to kill Sam (father of the year, seriously. Though I side-eye the fandom even more for always having acted as if this is only awful for Dean lol), so I was hyperaware of every single detail. My favourite moment was the absolute horror of hearing Gordon proudly, cheerfully relate how he murdered his sister when she became a vampire (which, btw, as someone that’s still bitter about what went down with the Gunn siblings on Angel, I found it healing to see something like that treated as a horror story).

-Speaking of Gordon: I unashamedly love his character lmfao. Sterling K. Brown is mesmerizing, always. At the same time, I have serious mixed feelings (especially after seeing his arc in full in s3) because man, if it isn’t a racist mess. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s not exactly revolutionary that the first time we see the story from the monster’s POV (something I want the show to do! Often!), it’s when white monsters are stalked and brutalized by our first black hunter. Especifically a white woman, btw (although I’m happy to see Tara Maclay as a brunette vampire. I didn’t know I needed that in my life, but I did). And you can tell that the show thinks it’s just so SMART and FUNNY to have a ~racist black hunter!! I mean, the comment about how psychic kids would be “betraying their race” if they allied with demons?? FFS.

And ofc there’s the fact that he’s condemned for the exact same type of stuff that makes Dean be hailed as a hero lmfao. Though I won’t like, I love the moment where, faced with the comparison, Dean’s response is “I might be like you, I might not. But you’re the one tied up.” I love those kinds of character moments. As of s2 I officially have a love-hate relationship with Dean Winchester, I hate it here xDD

But still, on his own, Gordon is an amazing character (it’s one of the most frustrating things about the show, the greatness tainted by the bigotry :))). Charismatic, terrifying, and ofc superbly acted. Also, I love that the fact that he praised John (as opposed to every other hunter having a rockier relationship with him) is clearly supposed to be a red flag LMFAO.

-I enjoy how the seasons delves more deeply into Sam’s ~~dark origins, since it was my fave thing about him way back when. I’m already mourning the (as I suspect) lost of his powers, ngl. There’s a little more attention in how he tends to over-identify with supernatural creatures struggling with their ~dark sides too (bitch me too, the fuck xD), which I LOVE to see (among other reasons because at least in that way we get a little of their POV in the forefront lol). One of my favourites in that sense was the episode centered around the ghost-who-didn’t-know-she-was-ghost, played by Tricia Helfer. I clocked early one what was going on, but it was still very enjoyable, especially with Sam’s empathy with her (contrasted by Dean being a total bitch about it, btw. I can’t believe I still see post about how Dean is all heart/kindness/compassion/whatever the fuck. Dean is all about selective empathy and only when it conveniences him, pls).

I was more divided on the episode with Madison the werewolf, tbh. OTOH it put Sam in a better position, for a change xD. As the one willing to make The Hard Choices by fulfilling his promise to kill her because she was dangerous, even when Dean offered to ~take the burden from him. OTOH I hate that kind of thing lol. YOU GUYS KNOW A HUNTER PRO LIKE BOBBY, I BET HE COULD’VE FIGURED OUT SOMETHING TO CONTAIN HER A FEW NIGHTS A MONTH. Also, my immediate reaction was to compare this to when my man Angel had a crush on a werelady and helped her every month lmfao. But then, very few characters can withstand a comparison with Angel, in any sense :P

I also liked Sam’s subplot with his fellow demon-psychic kids, though I wish it’d lasted longer :/ (also: RME at the queer girl dying almost immediately AND her power being killing people, her girlfriend first of all, with her touch. The black guy was the last one to die at least...?). My fave was Ava, by far. I loved her since her reaction to helping Sam stealing a psychiatrist’s records was yelling “I’M AWESOME!!”. It made it easy to buy that someone that appeared so mundane, with her easy life and her fiance and whatnot, would become so power hungry and go off the rails, IMO.

BTW: RME at Dean being all “oh Sam is going too dark/becoming to cold” when Sam kills Jake. Jake ripped off his spine and killed him first!! It both amuses me and infuriates me all the times Dean tries to push Sam to be more like himself and then freaks out whenever Sam is not all sunshine and rainbows (while still remaining, IMO, far less cold than Dean himself. Besides, it’s not easy to be colder than Dean, lol).

Lastly, a little character detail I loved was when Sam was jealous about Dean being in the federal database but not himself lmfao. 

-I loved the new foreshadowing crumb with Sam finding out Mary knew the demon, too (information he’ll withhold from Dean, which I approve of LOL). I mean, I know exactly what’s up, I’ve watched most of s4 xD (also, what is UP with this family and making deals with demons. Everyone but Sam so far!! And then HE gets dragged for ~getting too close to one smh. Maybe lead by example!! Also also: yes, it was meant to be ambiguous, but I can’t help but notice the only kiss-pact -or further, depending to how close YED was to Lilith’s levels, since to make a deal with her you have to fuck xD- we didn’t see was the one that must’ve happened between John and YED. Cowards!! xD). Still. I’m so curious about her. Her resurrection is one of the main reasons I’m determined to make it to the later seasons, ngl.

-Another thing I LOVED about this season is how they used sibling relationships to parallel/foreshadow stuff about the brothers, the way s1 did often with fathers. I’ve already mentioned Gordon and his sister, but the others are not less brutal imo: Andy having to kill his evil twin, who wanted him all for himself (... Dean is that you xD); the little girl’s ghost who wanted her grand-niece to commit suicide to stay with her, and didn’t give in until her old sister agreed to die in her place. It was chilling. Also, at one point the parallel was between the brothers and a married couple (the ghost-who-didn’t-know-she-was-a-ghost) and asñdlfkajsf. I’m guessing they had fun with the shippers lol.

Speaking of the brothers’ relationship, this season also goes a little further in escalating the violence between them, when Dean punches Sam in the face and he refuses to respond (“you can hit me all you want, it won’t change anything”. Fuck), or when Dean again punches Sam after Sam was possessed by Meg ¬¬

-Going back to my love-hate relationship with Dean, lmfao. My biggest beef remains how much validation his POV gets from the narrative, granted or not; he’s one of the most irritating cases of protagonist-centered morality and I know it’s only going to get worse smh. At least this season it feels a little more balanced than in s1, with episodes like the one where the civilian Sam had tried to keep away dies halfway through the ep because Dean allowed him to get involved, for example. Still, it grates on me xD. The continuing prison rape jokes/demonic possession rape jokes (with Meg and Sam), his general grossness with women and his lack of sympathy for non-humans even when they’re not trying to hurt anyone don’t exactly help. Also, I often see him praised for some of his political views, a lot of which I agree with (his mistrust of cops, saying convicts don’t deserve to die no matter what they do), but when contrasted with his general attitude across the show it’s really grating ngl.

But then he has such AMAZING character details thrown in, that make me appreciate him as a POV character nonetheless, as much as I often want to curb stomp the guy xD. I loved his speech about how there’s no such thing as a dignified death. I love how he refused to come near his mother’s grave, both at the beginning and at the end of the episode (this show is like, the cure to DCCW’s shows false fuzzy sentimentality istg). I love his pop-culture references, like when Sam mentions Dean always thought OJ was the murderer or Dean jokes about freeing Katie Holmes from Scientology’s cult xD (sometimes it really hits you how old this show is lol). I enjoyed his Wishverse episode, and his lines after Sam dies/he sells his soul to save him (“I had one job”, “my life can mean something”) hit HARD.

But most of all? I LOVE how and why he starts losing respect for John. It’s so fucking cold and abrupt and makes so much sense!! Like, yes, part of it is John’s message about killing Sam (... again, father of the year!), but most of all it’s about John making a pact with a demon and dying TO SAVE DEAN (and probably, simply that he died at all. That shit de-mystifies anyone). IT’S SO FUCKING GREAT TO WATCH. “He spent his life chasing that demon. He was supposed to die fighting, not making a deal with the damn thing. That was supposed to be his legacy, not this." Damn, Dean xDD. The *contempt* with which he said that killed me.

I also love his inherently atheist vision of the world (even if yes, it’s extremely funny knowing this show has canon God and angels and shit -no Jesus Christ though, which I find endlessly funny-, or that they actually meet the archangel Gabriel in disguise xD. Either way, the episode with the fake angel and its foreshadowing was hilarious), his anti-destiny stance, and that it’s him and not John who gets to kill YED.

-I liked Ellen and Jo. Not LOVED, but I liked them. I keep fearing that secondary (especially female) characters will feel empty/shallow but the show keeps proving me wrong, even with one-episode wonders, and at first I wasn’t sure about them, but I was sold quickly. Partially because of the actresses, they both had this... humanizing, endearing quality? It worked really well.  I also loved the explicit contrast between John and Ellen’s parenting styles, with Ellen wanting Jo to return to school and be safe from the hunt, and Jo wanting something different. Also, I wouldn’t ship it if you paid me, but LOL at anyone who actually buys Dean sees Jo as a ~little sister just because MEG said that rme.

This show is just REALLY good when it comes to giving depth to a character with only a couple of brush strokes, which makes it all the more frustrating when they abruptly die or disappear to never be seen again/only once more (to abruptly die!) :)))

I was less sold on Ash; he was amusing, but having a Genius Hacker TM helping them out seemed like the beginning of increasingly giving the brothers ways of deux ex machina-ing them out of problems, when one of my favourite things about the show is seeing them creatively find ways out themselves. I like when they’re competent! Like with the multitude of codes they have to improvise plans, like in the episode where with two words through a lawyer they implemented a quick scheme so that Sam would escape from a police precinct. I like that stuff.

-I’m still so bitterly jealous about the dead man’s blood hurting vampires detail. SO BITTERLY JEALOUS. I love a lot of what this show does with its lore but that little bit is the worst offender. I want it so bad xD

[reidandwrite]

...Surprise? (Spencer Reid)

Overview - In which the reader has been Spencer’s little secret for a while.

A/N: Requested! Okay so I know some of the teams reactions in this may be a bit far-fetched, but I was in the mood for a happy little story! Also I was supposed to post this sooooo long ago but I took some time off from writing for few days committed to resolving my mental health. Enjoy!

Hmm, you think, almost got it... you reach for the pan in the cupboard above your stove. You’re on your tippytoes and your chubby arm stretches as far as it can go and you’re a mere centimeters away from the pan.

“(Y/N)!” You hear your boyfriend say loudly a few feet behind you, making you jump. You turn around and see him almost running towards you with his long, lanky arms held out in from of you ready to catch you in you fall. “Don’t strain yourself, you could easily fall down or drop the pan on yourself.”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to make you breakfast before you wake up,” you say to him apologetically. You look down at your big, pregnant belly and rub it.

“I appreciate you wanting to do something nice for me, love, but honestly it’s not necessary; if anything, I should be the one pampering you,” he smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead, “besides, I’ve heard that raising your arms can cause the umbilical cord to wrap around the baby’s neck.”

“Spence, you know that’s just a myth right,” you giggle at him.

“I don’t care, I’m not taking any chances with my little bean,” he laughs and shakes his head. “Let me make breakfast. Go ahead and sit on the couch for a bit, you shouldn’t be on your feet too much.” 

“You never let me do anything fun anymore,” you pout and waddle your way over to the big brown couch in the middle of your shared apartment.

“Y’know, most women would love to have their boyfriends wait on their hand and foot,” he laughs as he reaches up into the cupboard and grabs the pan you were so desperately trying to reach a few minutes ago.

“I know, I know. I don’t mean to sound so unappreciative but I’m so used to doing everything myself. I’ve never needed anyone to help me through anything with life.” You take the remote control in hand and hit the Power button and start to flip through the channels.

“I know, (Y/N). You are so independent and goal oriented, it’s one of the things I love most about you, and you know that. I just want you both to be safe and okay,” he says as he cracks an egg. 

You wipe your mouth and take a sip of your decaffeinated coffee after taking your last bite of eggs. “Thank you for breakfast. I still don’t know how you make such amazing eggs,” you shake your head and smile at him.

“Will taught me how to make them. He made me promise to never tell JJ, though,” he laughs, “he said he wants to have at least one thing that he can make better than her.” He takes a sip of his coffee and notices your change in expression. 

You and Spencer had been together for the past year and 9 months and, somehow, he’s been able to keep you a secret this whole time. When he first started dating you, he didn’t think it would get much further than a few dates. In his mind, what would such an amazing girl like you want with a guy like him? But, after a while, he could tell that you were going to be the woman he was going to marry. He wanted you to meet the rest of the team, he really did; they were his family. But after what had happened to Maeve, he could not bare to lose you. He loved Maeve, there was no doubt about that. But with you... it was different. And if he lost you, there would be no way to recover from that. So, he kept you a secret from everyone. You understood his decision. You certainly did not enjoy being a secret from the people he called his family, but you understood. Of course, he didn’t plan on keeping you a secret forever, but when you found out you were pregnant, he knew he couldn’t keep you AND a newborn a secret.

“How is JJ, by the way?” You try your best to hide your battered expression from the profiler. Even though you’d never met anyone on his team, you feel like you’ve known them just as long as you’ve known Spencer. In the beginning of you relationship, your late night conversations consisted of him telling you everything about the team. 

“She’s fine; her and Will are trying for their girl.” He says as he stands up and starts to clear the table. “Speaking of the team,” he starts, “what are you doing tonight?”

“Considering the fact that I’m 8 months pregnant and carrying a freaking watermelon in my belly, nothing,” you laugh as you help pick up the plates from the table.

“Well... Rossi is cooking dinner at his house tonight,” he tells you.

“You mean his huge mansion,” you wink at him, earning you a giggle from your boyfriend.

“Yes, his mansion,” his laughter continues, “and I was wondering if you would like to accompany me tonight?”

“Wait, seriously?”  Your eyes turn wide and you’re a little unsure, feeling like he’s joking- even though Spencer was never really the joking type.

“Yes, seriously. I’ve been thinking about it and now’s as good a time as ever to introduce you to everyone. I can’t really put it off any longer,” he walks over to you and places a hand on your belly.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so excited! And I know exactly what I’m going to wear,” you say. After giving him a quick peck on the cheek, you waddle swiftly to your room to pick out your outfit for the eventful night.

You sit in the passenger seat silently as Beethoven plays softly throughout the speakers in Spencer’s car. after pulling of next the to curb in front of Rossi’s house, you both unbuckle your seatbelts. He turns off the car and turns to you.

“You ready?” He locks eyes with you and anxiousness takes over you.

“Y-yeah,” you say, “it’s weird. I’ve been waiting to meet them for months and I’ve always been really excited, but I’m actually really nervous right now... What if they don’t like me? Or they’re mad that you’ve kept me a secret for so long?” 

“First of all, they is no way that they’re not going to like you. You’re smart, and funny, and beautiful and wonderful in so many more ways. And second, after what I went through with Maeve, they’re going to understand why I did what I did. They might be a little shocked and confused at first, but they’ll get it.” He sees that the worried look on your face still hasn’t wavered and takes a big sigh. “(Y/N), please don’t be too worried about this. They will love you. I promise you this.” He takes your hands in his and places a light kiss on your lips.

You take a big breathe and smile at him. “Okay, I’m ready now.” You open up your door and place your foot out of the door before he jumps out of the car before you.

“Hold on, let me help you out,” he says as he sprints to your side of the car and slowly pulls you out. You hold out your right hand for him to grab and he gives it a quick kiss before helping you out of the car. You two walk up the steps of the porch hand in hand and he opens the door, letting you in first and closing it behind him. You look around, noticing that the living room in the front of the house was empty and you give him a quizzical, and slightly nervous, look.

“Calm down, love, everyone’s in the kitchen,” he chuckles and gives you a kiss on the forehead. You follow him through a long, long, hallway and after making a left, right, and another left, you’re standing behind him in the kitchen.

“Spencer!” The team greets him at once with wine glasses in their hands.

“Hi guys,” he starts, “so I know I’ve been unfair to some of you by ignoring your questions about the person I said I was bringing tonight, but that’s only because I wanted you to get to know her for yourself, and, hopefully, love her almost as much as I do. This is (Y/N),” he says as he takes a step to the right, revealing you.

Everyone examines you thoroughly within the first 10 seconds and you have to remind yourself that they probably aren’t judging you; they’re profilers. They’re expert at observation, in their work life and professional life. You can tell that they don’t quite know you’re pregnant, considering you’re wearing a huge winter coat (that Spencer insisted you wear) and are holding a large, brown paper bag in front of your belly.

“Hi. I brought tiramisu,” you smile shyly at them. One by one, each of them gather around you to greet and get a closer look at you. “Wait, don’t tell me. Rossi, Emily, Penelope, JJ, Luke, Tara, and Matt.” You point at each of them, matching them to their descriptions that Spencer had given you. “Spencer’s told me so much about you, I feel like I’ve known each of you for a while now,” you giggle nervously. Spencer gives your shoulder a small squeeze and you loosen up a bit.

“Well I haven’t had tiramisu in what seems like forever! And it smells delicious, where did you get it,” Rossi smiles at you, sparking up a conversation.

“She made it,” Spencer smiles proudly.

“Ah, I love her already! Brillante e bellissima! Let me go ahead and put it on the counter, dear,” Rossi gives another smile and grabs the slightly heavy bag from your hands. “Spencer, go ahead and put your guys’ coats on the coatrack over there,” he motions over to the corner. Spencer nods and helps you slip off you coat, revealing your large, pregnant belly. All the eyes that were previously on you are now wide and you could have sworn you heard someone almost choke on their wine. 

“Oh wow, (Y/N), you’re... you’re um, you’re,” Emily starts to say.

“Pregnant.” JJ smiles at you as she finishes Emily’s sentence. “Oh my gosh, here, come sit down, get off your feet,” she gestures and leads you toward the dining room table. 

“Thank you,” you murmur softly.

“So, you and Spencer, you’re like, a thing?” Penelope grins your way and you can tell that it’s taking ever fiber in her being to NOT jump up and down and bombard you with hugs. 

“Um, yeah, we’ve actually been a thing for a while now. Spencer’s kept me his little secret for my safety,” you explain to them as you see him hanging your coats on the coatrack near the patio door.

“Or because he was afraid that you would fall in love with me the moment we met,” Luke winks at you and laughs.

“God, newbie! Stop being gross for like a second! That’s it; you’re in time out. Go take your wine and stand in the corner,” Penelope snaps at him.

“It was a joke!” Luke pouts and grabs his wine glass before making his way over to the coatrack.

“A terrible one!” Penelope calls out after him. You laugh at their exchange and turn back towards Tara, Emily, and JJ. 

“So I’m guessing Spencer’s kept you hidden for at least a year,” Tara smirks as she points to your stomach.

“Don’t say it like that,” you hear Spencer laugh as he takes a seat next to you, “it makes it sound like I was holding her prisoner or something.”

“Spencer and I have actually been together for about a year and 9 months,” you start, “we met when he came into my bookstore. I’d never met anyone with such an extensive knowledge of literature.”

“Sounds like Spence,” Emily laughs and takes a sip of wine.

After a while of what felt like job interviews over dinner, everyone was still sitting down at the table, enjoying your home-made tiramisu.

“Holy crap, (Y/N), this is amazing,” Matt says mid bite. Everyone hums in agreement as they stuff their face with your dessert.

“Thank you guys.” you smile with gratitude. When everyone is done eating, they walk over to the living room to talk by the fire. You and JJ stay behind to clear the table- ignoring Rossi’s insists that you two really didn’t have to and Spencer’s attempts at telling you not to.

“You don’t have to help me, I can clear off a table myself. I do it all the time at home,” JJ laughs as she starts stacking the plates on top of one another. 

“You sound just like Spencer,” you chuckle back and shake your head. “He doesn’t want me doing anything that involves me getting up off the couch.”

“Yeah, he was the same way with me when I was pregnant with my two boys,” she says.

“Henry and Michael, right?”

“You know their names?” She smiles at you, amazed that you actually know the names of the two lights of her life.

“Yeah, Spence has told me a lot about all of you guys but probably the most about you.”

“Me?” She stops stacking plates.

“You’re his best friend. He adores you so much, I was honestly the most nervous to meet you tonight...” you admit while grabbing empty wine glasses off the table. 

“Why were you so nervous to meet me?” She looks astounded.

“He’s the closest with you. He tells you everything. And... I don’t know, I didn’t want you to look at me as the girl that Spencer kept a secret and then knocked up. I didn’t want you to hate me or be upset that he didn’t tell you about me,” you explain, trying you best to not offend her.

“(Y/N),” she sighs, “can we just sit and talk for a second?” She pulls out a chair for you and you sit down. “Spencer... has been through so much. I’m sure he’s told you about his mother. And Maeve. And prison. The only thing I care about is if he’s happy. And you two are clearly,” she gestures to your pregnant belly, “very happy. If he loves you as much as it seems, you really must be something wonderful. So... if you ever need anything, we’re all here for you. You’re family now.” She puts her arm around you and gives you the warmest smile she could give. Both of your heads turn around when you hear footsteps walking in.

“As much as I love seeing my two favorite women getting along so well, you want to get going, love? It’s getting late,” Spencer says softly, walking towards you with your coat in hand. 

“You’re right,” you say as you try to stand up and JJ helps. You turn to her with a smile, “can we continue this talk another time?”

“How about over lunch tomorrow?” She asks, hopefully.

“I’d like that,” you reply as Spencer helps your arms through your large winter coat. 

“What, I don’t get an invite?” Spencer tries a small crack at a joke.

“Nope, tomorrow’s a girls day,” JJ winks. You giggle back as she walks you two to the front door. The short walk to the car is silent but you sneak quick glances Spencer’s way and a small grin never leaving his face. 

[masterlist]

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Walking Dead: The Calm Before (9x15)

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Cons:

I'm going to start with some personal context here: when I watched this episode, my DVR recording for some reason cut it off early, at the cliffhanger moment when Alpha sits next to Lydia in the movie theatre. I wasn't paying much attention to how long the episode had been, so I thought that was the final moment of the episode. I was all geared up to write a quite favorable review - lots of tense moments, good character buildup, etc. etc. But then I realized there was still fifteen minutes to go, and now I have to deal with this bullshit.

The problem with The Walking Dead is they have this huge over-bloated cast of people, most of whom we don't really care about, and then periodically in order to make us understand how evil a villain is, some of these characters will get killed off. But there's always some problem with the way they pull off the deaths: either they are way too built up and foreshadowed, and every ounce of drama is wrung out of the moment (Glenn, Carl), or else it's a character we kind of care about, and they're given a bunch of attention and more character development suddenly, and it becomes obvious they're about to die (Jesus), or they're someone I barely know at all and I'm not sure why I'm supposed to be so devastated about it (several of the deaths in this episode).

Really, we should talk about the Big Three Deaths.

Enid. She falls into the "Jesus" category for me, in that we suddenly get all these moments with her being all cute with her boyfriend, and I instantly thought she was going to get killed off. Or he was. One of them, anyway. It's hard to care about this, because I don't really feel like I know Enid at all, especially post time-jump. She's just another random Hilltop community member at this point.

Tara. I'm too exhausted to repeat my tirade about this show killing off all its queer characters. At least there are still those two girls whose names I don't know yet. Or whatever. And at least there's still Aaron. The thing with a big ensemble cast like this is that it's not necessarily the end of the world if some queer characters die, as long as there are plenty of other ones on the show, and that kind-of-sort-of is what's going on here, so I won't repeat myself on explaining why it sucks to kill off queer characters. Instead, let's just talk about how stupid it is to kill off Tara specifically. Hilltop just lost Jesus, and now it's lost Tara, and it all feels so pointless. And I don't mean pointless in the way it's supposed to feel pointless. It feels narratively pointless. Tara has been around for a really long time, and she never really came into her own as a character. I've never disliked her, but I've never felt all that invested in her either. Maybe she was somewhat superfluous to the story that this show wants to be telling. But instead of constantly bringing in new characters and over-extending the cast, and then killing off people who have been around for years to make room for newbies, why not take the time to actually develop these characters? Why not make us care about Tara the way we care about Daryl or Carol or Michonne, so that if she dies, it means something?

Finally, Henry. I will admit, there are some aspects to Henry dying here that I'm going to put in the "pros" section too, because I genuinely did not see it coming, and there are some interesting possibilities coming off of this. But on the other hand... why now? Henry was an annoying brat when this season started, and I had just started to get a bit invested in him... and then he's dead. It would have meant a hell of a lot more if we'd had a whole additional season with him, if we'd seen him grow, if I came to care about him the way I once cared about Carl. This show has this problem of dragging some things out waaaayyyy too far, and then cutting other things off before they've had a chance to develop and mature. It's annoying. I'm always feeling robbed of the better show that we could have had if certain plot threads could be disposed of, and different characters could be given the limelight.

The frustrating thing about this dramatic mass-killing is that so many people had to make mistakes in order for it to happen. It was just so contrived that when various groups started splitting up, Carol, Michonne, and Daryl would be the three together, along with one of the new-ish characters whose name I still don't know. They're idiots to let themselves get surrounded by the Whisperers. After all these years, do they not have any tactical common sense? And also, not to put too fine a point on it, Alpha is an idiot for not killing Daryl, Michonne, and Carol when she had the chance. If she really wanted to punish the various communities for their defiance, that would have been the way to do it. These three characters are protected because they're the most popular characters on the show (they're certainly the only three that I personally care about at this point), not because it makes sense in-universe for them to be the ones to always survive.

Pros:

One of the reasons that I found the deaths to be so unsatisfying is that the rest of this episode was doing some really good work. I was completely drawn in, loving the suspense, enjoying the happiness of the Fair, dreading Alpha's retaliation... it was all great stuff, and even the setup for the deaths, seeing the heads on spikes, would have worked really well for me if it weren't for the buildup resulting in those specific characters' deaths.

The first thing that was awesome about this episode? The Fair. I resisted Carol being a part of the Kingdom for a long time because I didn't like how it separated her from the rest of the group, and I was skeptical of Ezekiel. He just seemed too goofy to me, even though I know that's sort of the whole point. But now? I understand their relationship, I understand the Kingdom, and I believe in it. That scene where the leaders of the various communities signed the Constitution was incredibly moving. I think it's important in a show like this for the characters to have something they're fighting for. Despite all of the loss and pain, they have to remain strong for something bigger than any one person. The Fair was a great symbol of that, and I like the fact that we lingered on it long enough to understand what's really at stake here.

This episode did a great job being genuinely scary, too. As predictable as some of the deaths were, in terms of the character set-up as I've described above, I'll admit I wasn't expecting the slaughter in this episode. I thought maybe it would wait until next week. Everyone thought that Hilltop would be the target of the Whisperer's wrath, and I'll admit that I got caught up in that assumption as well, even though the Kingdom made more sense in terms of the narrative. And when the groups went out to go defend Hilltop, I was scanning their numbers, wondering which among them were going to die, so it was a doubly effective twist that the victims were people supposedly safe at the Fair. When we first see Alpha in that dress, with the wig, just wandering among the people, it genuinely startled me and made me very nervous. That tension kept escalating throughout the whole rest of the episode. The whole scene in the movie theatre freaked me out. I kept waiting for a mass attack to happen, and when it didn't, the tension stayed with me as we saw Lydia and Alpha talking. Great pacing, great acting, great score, all in service of a very frightening atmosphere.

Lydia has really grown on me. Obviously there will be some people who are livid that so much was lost because of her, but I think we're seeing that these communities don't want to give up their values, no matter the cost. They've offered Lydia asylum, and even though the consequences of that decision were devastating, it was still the right thing to do, and I believe that Daryl, Michonne, and the others will continue to protect her, in honor of the people who lost their lives, especially Henry. Lydia has a great moment where she stands up to Alpha. It's important to remember the degree to which this poor girl has been brainwashed throughout her entire life. Escaping an abusive parent is no easy task, and I think we're going to see the trauma play out in interesting ways. Or at least I hope that's where this is going. Lydia could be a really cool and interesting character to explore more deeply.

Oh, Daryl. He was killing it in this episode. I loved the little nod he gave to Carol when Alpha led him away at gunpoint. It was him saying "it's okay" and "goodbye" and everything else all at once. We get two Carol and Daryl hugs, once when Daryl, Lydia, Henry, and Connie show up at the Kingdom, and once again when Daryl returns after his one-on-one with Alpha. He just loves Carol and Michonne both so much. When we see the heads on spikes moment, Daryl notices Henry first and runs to Carol, desperate to save her this pain. He holds her and tells her to just look at him. My heart broke for the both of them. I also liked the little detail of Daryl taking Lydia to the spikes (heads removed, of course), so that Lydia can say goodbye to Henry. Daryl has been isolating himself since losing Rick, but we can see how community-oriented he really is, how much he cares about the people around him and how much he wants to nurture them.

A few other little details that I enjoyed: I surprisingly didn't mind Rosita and Eugene's little moment, even if the whole plot scenario is still a little eye-roll worthy. I liked seeing Judith playing with other kids, enjoying the freedom and fun of the Fair, and I loved when she and Carol had their little moment. It's so sad to think of Carol not being a big part of Rick's daughter's life, but we see that Judith still remembers her, and I'm sure they'll be together again now. Ezekiel's opening speech at the Fair about Rick and Carl was really great, and helped to tie together the themes of this season. Connie and Daryl's goodbye, with Daryl asking Connie to watch the dog... I could see a real friendship developing between those two. Connie and her sister's conversation, hinting at some backstory stuff that I'd be interested to get back to. Luke being buddies with Enid's boyfriend, excited to play music at the Fair. I actually really like Luke and I hope we get to spend more time with him.

Finally, Siddiq's speech at the end. It's taken a whole season to unpack the reasons for Michonne's fear and isolation. It's taken all season to start getting some answers about the communities being estranged from each other, and we still don't have all the pieces of the puzzle. When I saw those heads on those spikes, one of my first reactions was to be worried that we'd backslide on all that character development. Michonne and Aaron would pull back and stay in Alexandria, Ezekiel's dreams of union and trade would collapse, and we'd be back to square one. It's possible that that's where we're going with all of this, but I actually doubt it. We can see how devastated everyone is, obviously, but hopefully this latest challenge will bring them even closer together, and when the Whisperers are gone, harmony can continue to grow.

So yeah. I liked so much of this episode. I liked the build-up and the atmosphere and several of the character beats. And yet here we are with another slaughter, a bunch of characters that were only just getting interesting, suddenly killed off so that we're clear on the fact that the Whisperers are bad guys. Yeesh. Annoying.

7.5/10

[weapon13whitefang]

Beth: You have to stay who you are, not who you were (S4E12)

Gareth: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E1)

Gareth: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E2)

Rick: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E8)

Eastman : You saw it happen, that’s how this started, right? It’s all happening right in front of your eyes, over and over again. Your body’s here, but your mind is still there. There’s a door and you want to go through it, to get away from it, so you do, and leads you right back to that moment. And you see that door again, you know it won’t work but hell, maybe it’ll work, so you step through that door and you’re right back in that horrible moment every time. You still feel it every time, so you just want to stop opening that door, so you just sit in it. But I assure you, one of those doors leads out, my friend. (S6E4)

Carl : We can go back to how it was. We can go back. And you saw it. What it did. How-How easy it got... That's why you changed why you brought those people from Woodbury in You brought them in, and we all lived together. We were enemies. You put away your gun. You did it so I could change, so I could be who I am now. What you did then How you How you stopped fighting it was right. It still is. It can be like that again.You can still be like that again. Rick : I can't be who I was. It's different now. Carl : You can't kill all of 'em, Dad. There's gotta be something after. For you and for them. There's gotta be something after. (S8E9)

This doesn’t account for every time this kind of mentality has been brought up on the show, but these are the ones that stick out to me.

Since season 2, everyone has been saying that things aren’t the way they were and that you can’t be like you were in the old world. Shane was constantly telling Rick “it ain’t like it was before”.

I find this concept interesting because, while agree it can’t be like it was and you can’t be like you were… You can be better. No, you can’t go back. Team Family can not go back. They can not be who they were when the outbreak started, who they were when they were at the prison, who they were when they first entered Alexandria.

But they can be better.

Rick can’t be sheriff Rick anymore. At least not the one he was. Not the one that was shot and left in a coma... But yet he can put on the hat again. He can be the Sheriff. But he can be better. You can come back from things. You just can’t be who you were ever again.

That’s what I feel like Carl is trying to tell his dad as he’s dying. Rick can’t be the Sheriff he was, but he can be a Sheriff. People can come back to something. They won’t be the same. They’ll be better or worse, but they’re back. If they have people that they care about – that they love – with them, then they can be more than they were. They can find who they're meant to be.

Recently, @twdmusicboxmystery made a post about the magazines seen at the end of S5E8 [Coda]. In that Meta, they talked about a specific magazine that was seen by Morgan as he came across the school that Father Gabriel had stirred the walkers from. The same walkers that he lead to the church and almost got everyone freaking killed over but also the same church that Morgan finds the map in that has Rick's name on it.

That magazine was this thing

Kinda hard to make out, right? Well @frangipanilove found a clearer image of it.

Okay, awesome. In the past I did a HUGE and obnoxious Meta on the magazines that Skybound had posted. Here.

I was kind of fascinated by some of the things that musicboxmystery talked about in their META. Keep in mind, they lean more on connecting pretty much everything to Beth (I myself do not). This is more of a simple observatory thought I had after reading the META.

First off, I'm gonna focus on the giant red box that was placed on the image for me. The word “Palendrome” is supposed to be the word “Palindrome”. It's been spelled wrong. If you try to look up the word as it's spelled above, the real spelling for the word – I instead of an E – constantly comes up and a suggested word search is given. So there's been a spelling error.

What is a palindrome? A palindrome is “a word, phrase, or sequence that reads the same backward as forward.” Examples: madam, nurses run, race car, Dammit, I'm mad, mom, dad.... Bob or Hannah. The word palindrome comes from the Greek word “palin” which means “again” and the Greek word “dramein” (or drom / dromos) which means “to run”. Together they become “palindromos” which means “running back again”.

So while the word is meant to describe words that can be played backwards and forward, it can also be related to the saying “running back again” or “going back again” or “to return to the beginning”. Because a palindrome can return to it's beginning. The word starts where it ends. Hannah will be the same if you flip it backwards or read it backwards in a mirror.

So what is the palindrome of Hannah Fairlight? Why use that word to describe Hanna? (Besides her name being backwards, there's no sense to the stitle then). Well I tried to do some digging into Ms Fairlight to get a feel about who she is and why this particular word was used for her. The title states “The Palendrome of Hannah Fairlight : Turning Heartbreak into Gold”.

I couldn't find anything that would explain why they would sentence it like that... Buuuut I did find something else kinda fun.

Hannah is from the midwest and she has a few EP's out, she's had a few roles in television, and she's currently known for being in Pitch Perfect 3 as one of the Veracity members. Coda was released in 2014. Filming for S5 began in 2014... There's no record of Hannah doing ANYTHING in 2014. In 2013 she was doing sound work for Double Divas, Love & Hip Hop, Jersey String, and Say Yes to the Dress. She's listed for the music department of the series The Adventures of Ben & Sarah in 2014. Otherwise... She hasn't had anything “big” until 2017 with Pitch Perfect 3... So why use Hannah in the magazine?

Because she does bare some similarities to Emily Kinney's career. Both are self promoted musicians, both are from the Midwest (EK in Nebraska and Hannah is from Tennessee), and both have a very unique type of voice. Also, I think because Hannah's Album “Creatures of Habit” was also being released in March of 2014. The album includes a variety of love songs. Sad love songs. Emily also has a habit of posting love songs. Hers sometimes are more lovesick and sugary. But she has the occasional naughty undertone or angry love or love is a battle feel to them. Like “Mermaid Song”; it's a broken heart song.... But in 2015 Hannah was releasing an album called “Bright Future”; which is music about things will get better. This Is War from EK was about love but also fighting to keep together or accepting the fall or just angry love. Hanna went from sad love to things can go on and get better. So both have shown that they use what relates to them or use heavy inspirations of life to express their music. Finally, both are under-appreciated in their music because Hannah has some pretty great songs from what I've listened to and EK deserves. If I knew more about Hanna, I bet I could find more similarities between her and EK.

So we have a self-promoted musician from the midwest singing about lost love and sad love being shown on a magazine in an after scene of an episode where a character who sings and was lost to loved ones after being shot... My head is VERY tilted to the side like “HMMMMMMM” because even I – who really doesn't like to get into relating everything to Beth and Emily – can not help but notice the simple but glaring similarities there.

While I'm still perplexed about using palindrome to describe Hannah... If they're using Hannah as a sort of representation to EK/Beth, then using that word could mean that the beginning is the end. Morgan said everything comes around; karma / life works in circles. What you do onto others will come back onto you. So if everything comes around... How does Beth come back to the beginning? Well that could mean a lot of things. It could mean we go back to the beginning of where this whole mess began for Beth; Grady. We might be able to go back to the prison or the farm, but there really isn't much left for anything there besides maybe triggering memories. The whole thing of “we can't go back” started with Terminus, so we could go back to what remains of Terminus, though Carol and everyone kinda left that place to burn to the ground... Or perhaps just going back to Gerogia in general is what could happen. Georgia is where everything is; the farm, the prison, burnt remains of Woodbury, burnt up Terminus, and Grady... There's all kinds of things left behind in Georgia and that's where a lot of these characters stories began; Rick, Morgan, Michonne, Carol, Daryl, and Tara all started in Georgia. Maybe it means to turn back to what happened in Georgia; what made them change and what changed. Who they lost and what they lost.

I'm wondering if this magazine cover is meant for Morgan. He's the one that stumbled upon it. He's the one who Eastman gave the door analogy to. Morgan's the one who wrote the infamous wall of CLEAR. Morgan may be the one who needs to go back to the beginning to reach the end. Or it could be about Beth because of the similarities we see in her and Hannah... Or it could be both and they're connected in a way that we the audience have yet to see. Hell maybe they don't realize they're connected yet... It's possible.

Either way, I am a bit fascinated by this magazine here. I'm not sure it's what musicboxmystery thought it was, but I can see why they got excited about it.

[femslashrevolution]

On Experience and Scarcity

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

First and foremost: the subject of this essay has been banging around my mind for a long time, but trying to put it into words turned out to be difficult. It wasn’t until I read Holyfant’s’s excellent essay, towards a “darker” femslash, that I found my starting point. Even so, I often struggle to find the right terms and language to describe my own personal experience, so I’m going to ask for a little leeway here.

Holyfant’s essay mentions three main reasons why people hesitate to write femslash. If I can (roughly) paraphrase: the first reason is the fact that compared to M/M fic, F/F is a niche fandom with relatively little feedback opportunities; the second is a  lack of interesting female characters and F/F relationships in canon; and the third is the feeling of responsibility that comes with writing less-than-perfect women. Holyfant focuses on the third point, which is an issue all of its own (and one that’s also echoed in havingbeenbreathedout’s “On the personal as normal; on the normal as political”.) But personally, I’ve always felt like I’ve been more influenced by the second reason. The consequences of what we write, the fear of the way we write a character having widespread consequences – that’s something I am, in a way, already a little used to. I’ve written a lot of what I’d call dubious shit; I’m used to dealing with the fear of consequences of writing things that could be generalised. Whether it’s women who are less than perfect or relationships seriously veering into the abusive, I’m always of the opinion that my audience is smart enough to see nuance and not to generalise. My own main problem isn’t really the political repercussions of writing femslash, if you can put it that way.

My problem is the canon material.

I’m speaking from my own experience here– I have no way of knowing how widespread this particular problem is. On the other hand, I’ve seen enough people write musings and reactions about similar issues to suspect I’m not just the only person struggling with this.

Anyway. Let’s start with my backlog of fic. AO3 tells me that right now, I have twice the amount of M/M fics compared to F/F fics. Looking at it by wordcount, it gets even worse. The longer ones, the intense ones, are always inevitably male/male ships.

This used to annoy me a lot. I couldn’t understand why I kept going for the male pairings. Had I really internalised this kind of misogyny so badly, that I couldn’t see the potential of female characters? Was I a Bad Feminist for ignoring the stories about women and focusing on men? I was a little disturbed at this clear trend in my own writing, yet I couldn’t really find a way to fix it – because I couldn’t find any femslash pairing that really inspired me enough to write about in great depth. But why? Why did female pairings fail to intrigue me? Was this really just internalised sexism?

Well, maybe. But there were other factors at play here too, ones that took me a while two discover. Two things helped me find them.

The first was genderswapping. The second was Person of Interest.

Genderswapping – shorthand in this context for taking a canon cis male character and creating a cis female version of him, also known as spectrumslide – is something that I find really interesting. I know there are a lot of people who are opposed, who see it as a way to drive out actual canon women in favour of male characters, never mind the gender change. But for me, there is no better tool to challenge the way you think about gender and personality and relationships, and how they’re all subconsciously intertwined.

When I read genderswapped stories, I often got annoyed at how far the female versions were from their male counterparts. Traits that I enjoyed were changed, or warped, or erased altogether. These stories didn’t appeal to me at all. On the other hand, some other writers created characters that did appeal to me, massively. Because they weren’t like others I’d read about before, because they possessed the same traits that attracted me to their male counterparts. Genderswapping offered me female characters unlike any I’d seen before in mainstream fiction. Rough around the edges. Unemotional. Violent. Aggressively sexual. Bitterly sarcastic. Nasty women, if you will. Women that seem to be the opposite of everything that’s traditionally associated with femininity.

(It’s probably important to note at this point that my type of character tends to be a villain, or at the very least somewhat of an anti-hero. Relatedly, the relationships I get inspired by are invariably damaging, unhealthy, possessive, power-unbalanced or twisted – relationships that almost seem non-existent between fictional women. But I’ll come back to that later.)

It got me thinking. In my head I started playing around with character stereotypes. A hard-drinking emotionally blunt promiscuous violent man as James Bond, for example. What do you get when you take those characteristics and put them in a cis woman? The hardboiled noir detective, the knight in shining armour… Can those exist in female versions? While keeping the essence of their character, their personality intact?

I started to challenge my own views on gender, feminity, and masculinity. What do I associate with “woman” as an abstract concept? When I create OC’s as side characters, why do I choose to give them one gender and not another one? Why do I automatically give a character this or that trait just because of their gender?

There were a whole lot of ugly subconscious connections I laid bare like this, and I found it was pretty confrontational. It’s not fun, discovering how biased you really are.

So, the logical next step was to try my own hand at genderswapping. Pure hypothesis-testing, that: if it really were just the characters’ personality and interpersonal dynamics that attract me, that should work just as well if I swapped out one gender for another one, right? And I suppose it did. But it took some work.

Like Holyfant mentions in her excellent essay: it’s very easy to fall into stereotyping when writing women. You’d think that taking a male character’s personality as a starting point might be a solution to that, but it isn’t quite that easy. For example: what is unnerving and aggressive sexuality in a man can become, in a woman, that boring old cliché of the femme fatale – if you don’t pay attention, that is. This isn’t made easier by the fact that there aren’t many examples of fictional women like the ones I want to write. To create something on your own, without a blueprint to fall back on… It’s tricky.

Then there’s the fact that you can’t just transpose characteristics from men to women. Mind you, I’m not saying that women are fundamentally different than men or any shite like that. But the way society looks at women and men -  here there are radical differences. On the whole, society’s reaction to certain traits is vastly different depending on if it’s a man or a woman doing it, which also means that the character themselves is going to look differently at that. A physically strong, violent woman is considered an anomaly, a freak; a physically strong, violent man is an action hero. Or, the other way around: a gentle, caring man is considered weak, while a gentle, caring woman is an example of traditional womanhood. So if you write a woman who’s violent, you’re going to have to take into account that society as a whole tends to condemn that. And if a whole society condemns a character’s personality, that’s going to have an effect on the way a character sees herself, too. it really is a bit more complicated than just swapping around the pronouns and calling it a day.

It takes work, it takes practice. That much had become painfully obvious to me. If I reread my first attempts at genderswapping now, I cringe a little. Not that they’re bad, per se. It’s just that they’re not exactly original. There’s a giggling lipstick-wearing short-skirted seductress, there’s lean-but-not-muscular assassins for hire… It isn’t what I’d call groundbreaking – and even at the time, it wasn’t quite what I wanted either. I just didn’t know how to make what I wanted, at first. It took a pretty long while before I finally had my first genderswapped character that actually felt like a real, original, complex flesh-and-blood woman.

So. What I learned by genderswapping is 1) it’s bloody difficult to write a female version as nuanced and complex and original as the male original, 2) clichés are always lurking, ready to pounce, but 3) in the end it really is someone’s personality and relationship that makes me interested.

Those points can just as easily be applied to non-genderswapped female characters: for me, at least, women are harder to write interestingly than men, at first. It’s less practiced. But – the positive thing I’d learned – I really do have a type regardless of gender. Meaning that if I wanted to write more (non-genderswapped) femslash, I merely had to look for two or more fictional women with the same traits as the male characters I enjoyed, and then squish ‘em together.

Problem was… They didn’t really seem to exist?

Most relationships between fictional women, if they’re explicit, are shown to be soft! And gentle! And good and pure! Tara and Willow in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, for example – oh, there was a lot of fucked-upness going on there but the essence of their relationship was tenderness and open, honest love and mutual support. Which is great! But not what I want to write about. Even a pairing like Black Sails’ Max and Anne – both morally ambiguous, three-dimensional, and in Anne Bonny’s case stereotype-defying – are portrayed as essentially a gentle, healing, deeply caring relationship. Those unhealthy relationships I like to write about, the mutually destructive ones… They didn’t seem to show up in fiction.

Then I started watching Person of Interest.

Person of Interest has Root, a major villain-later-turned-hero. As far as female characters go, she’s sort of midway. She’s still flirty and seductive, and later openly emotional and caring – far more traditionally female than any of the male characters in the series. But she’s a hacker, she’s aggressive, she’s independent, and her plotlines give her agency. She’s original. She’s got an edge beyond the stereotype.

Person of Interest also has Shaw. And this is where things get very, very interesting.

Shaw is blunt. She’s unemotional. She’s aggressive, likes guns, likes violence. She avoids romantic relationships – not because of some painful deep trauma that gets healed in the end by the ‘right person’, just because that’s who she is. She’s sexual, but in a rather forthright, dominant, taking-what-she-wants-without-complications way you tend to only see in men. And right from the start, her interactions with Root are decidedly sexual. Their very first interaction is laced with BDSM-implications, and when they start interacting more – once Root has come over to the good side –, every exchange between them is full of barbs and barely-concealed aggression and power play. When Shaw at a later point describes a potential relationship between her and Root as a four alarm fire at an oil refinery, she isn’t lying. And when they finally end up having sex (it’s a dream, sort of, but shush) it looks more like a wrestling match than like “making love”, each one tearing at the other one and refusing to back down, not afraid to use punches or kicks in between the kisses. Miles away from the smiling-laughing-cuddling-vanilla sex Tara and Willow have.

It still doesn’t quite work for me, on the whole. Root, although Amy Acker does her damn best to give her life, still fits the traditional model too much for me to connect. She feels more like an idealised version of a woman than a real one. Especially in the later seasons her reactions are far more emotional, sentimental, than I’d really expect or want from her – again, traditionally feminine (in contrast to Shaw, who remains her gruff self). And of course Root and Shaw (spoiler alert) don’t really end up together. It’s very much implied that they would end up together, but then – in fine queer fictional woman tradition –  Root goes and dies before they can get there. It’s a shame, because flirting is one thing, but an actual relationship between those two would’ve been something I’d kill to see.

Still. Here was an example of the dynamic I like, but between two women. It does exist, it is possible. And seeing that gave me a starting point, a sort of blueprint to use for my own writing.

So. Where does that leave me, and my 2:1 ratio of M/M versus F/F fics?

The way I see it, there’s a dual responsibility. Part of the lack of interesting, flawed, complex,�� ugly female characters in fiction has to do with the lack of material in canon – not just that there are very few female characters to start with, but also that this trend means fanfic writers have so few examples we can base our own work on. We still have to carve out our own model, here.

But another part is my own responsibility. Writing flawed women, unsympathetic women, women with ugly personalities or traits – that takes more work and effort. It doesn’t come quite naturally to me yet, which means it’s harder to write, which means I tend to avoid it in favour of easier things – which in turn, means there’s fewer ‘dark’ femslash in the word, and thus lesser examples to work from.

It’s a vicious self-perpetuating circle. But it’s starting to get its dents. In the form of Root and Shaw, of Gillian Anderson’s fingerlickingly complex Stella Gibson, in everything Sally Wainwright has written. And in our own work, of course. Story by story, we chip away at the block and create images and thoughts about the full complexity in relationships between women.

About the author

Pasiphile is a fanfiction author who mainly writes for Sherlock, but their work also includes Discworld, Attack on Titan, Luther and a heap of other fandoms. They have also co-edited two anthologies of original erotica under the name of Alex Freeman. You can find them on tumblr and AO3.