#this was literally over 6 months ago n it still gets me so hard everytime

[batw1nk]

thinking abt the time she told me “i should have known you like being choked the way you suck my dick like that”. one of the hottest things someone’s ever said 2 me.

[mcufox123]

Poofed

WandaxFemReader

Summary: Wanda copes with a life that may not have you in it.

Warnings: Devestation

A/N: This story literally is heartbreaking but in a good way I think. Let me know what you guys think!

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You wake up suddenly to your hand being kicked. It was wrapped around your wife’s very pregnant belly as you both tried to sleep through the night. You smiled dreamily in your sleepy state as you were reminded of the twins who would be born any day now.

You and your wife were a part of the famous superhero group who saved the world numerous times. Shortly after she joined and got acclimated with the team the two of you started dating. It has now been 7 years of being together, 3 of them being married. You had moved out of the compound and were now living in your dream house in the countryside, the perfect place for your growing family.

While Wanda was able to take leave months ago as none of the team wanted your children hurt, you still went to work every day. The team promised that once they were born you would be given 3 months to spend with your family but until then “there were still bad guys out there” in Tony's words of course.

You checked the time to see you still had a half an hour to spare before you had to be at the compound. You made Wanda breakfast and set it up next to her then you got ready for your day. You showered, got changed and before you left you wrote two sticky notes to leave on your wife’s mirror. One saying, “I love you more than chocolate chip cookies.��� The second said, “You are looking like such a hot mama today.” You left a kiss on Wanda’s forehead and whispered an ‘I love you’ then you went to work.

Wanda woke later that morning with a smile on her face. She saw the breakfast you set up and immediately started eating because she was starving. After her breakfast in bed, she showered before seeing the notes you left. She actually laughed out loud. Even when you weren’t home you always made her day. She sent you a quick text.

Hi my love! Thank you so much for breakfast! I love you more than tv shows!

After that Wanda went about her day normally before she got bored and decided to go to the compound. When she arrived she saw Bucky and Sam watching tv.

“Hey boys,” Wanda said as she set her bag on the counter before walking over and sitting in between the two.

“Hey Wand, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” Bucky suddenly jumped into protective older brother mode.

“Sit.” Wanda ordered him, glaring at him. She appreciated the gesture, but she was pregnant and not handicapped.

“Yes Ma’am.” Bucky sat not wanting to make Wanda upset.

“Damn man, if she needs something she’ll tell us right?” Sam asked, turning to Wanda.

“Exactly thank you Sam.” They continued watching TV comfortably every once in a while bantering about something.

“Hey guys, where was y/n’s mission today? I usually hear from her by now if she’s going to be later than 6.” Wanda said realizing the time was now past 6 and she still hasn’t heard anything.

“I think they were in Florida today,” Bucky said, scratching his head trying to remember what Steve told them this morning. “Some mission with aliens that Carol warned them about. They’ll be fine. You’re welcome to stay here in your old room though.” He finished. Wanda thanked him before getting up to move to the kitchen, both men hot on her tail.

“Who is hungry?” Wanda asked as she started to get ingredients out for a caprese chicken dish and some pasta.

“Me, for sure. I missed your cooking so much Wanda.” Sam said, taking a seat at the counter pulling out his phone to que up some songs to listen to while you cooked. Dinner was good and shortly after Wanda went to bed in the now foreign space and begged for sleep to consume her. It was hard because she grew used to your arms wrapped around her with your face pressed into her hair. That night she didn’t get much sleep. She sent you a text letting you know she was sleeping at the compound before she rolled over and tried to shut her eyes.

The following morning Wanda woke up to a still empty bed. Now she started getting nervous, she searched for her phone to see no new messages. She took her time getting out of bed but quickly threw on the clothes she was wearing yesterday before heading to the kitchen.

As she was almost there she could hear Steve talking.

“So Wanda’s here?” Steve asked the person he was talking to.

“Yeah she came yesterday and we just told her to stay. So wait, you're telling me that these things just hit a button then poofed with Tony and y/n? Are they alive?” Wanda could now tell the other person was Bucky. She felt like she couldn’t breath, feeling the wind knocked out of her at the words she just heard. She couldn’t hide any longer and barged into the kitchen.

Her hands instantly went into a fighting position holding Steve in a tight grasp so he couldn’t escape.

“Where is she Steve? What happened? You promised me no life or death missions. You promised me she would always come back to me. She said she would never go away.” Wanda said while breaking towards the end and crumpling to the ground. Bucky went over and wrapped her in a hug.

After a few minutes Bucky put Wanda on the couch as now the rest of the team came in and Pepper with her two small children. Steve went over what happened on the mission and how they have no trace of either of their teammates. He made everyone aware that Thor, Carol, and the Guardians of the Galaxy were all in search of their friends.

Wanda felt so lost. Your twins were expected any day and you were gone. How was she going to do it if you weren’t back? How was she going to be strong for your two little ones if you weren’t there? The questions swarmed her head as she tuned out the rest of the team. After hours of talking the team now turned to their tuned out friend to offer some support.

“When was the last time you ate?” Clint asked Wanda, putting his hand on her shoulder to ground her.

“I don't know.” Wanda shook her head still thinking a million miles a minute not making eye contact with anyone.

“Wanda you need to eat. You have two other people to worry about. Y/N will be ok, she will come back.” Steve said, sitting next to her. She collapsed in tears and that was how the rest of the night went, crying and the team forcing Wanda to eat.

The following days Wanda barely left the bed. On the 4th day of you being missing Wanda felt a sharp pain in her stomach. Her eyes started to tear up from both pain and the realization of what was happening. She was going into labor without you. She screamed out in pain and heartbreak.

Steve rushed into the room as soon as he heard Wanda scream, “It’s ok Wanda we’re here, let's get you to the infirmary.” he held Wanda’s hand all the way down to the infirmary. Steve sent a text out to the rest of the team to let them know what was happening and soon familiar faces appeared in Wanda’s room.

They took shifts as they waited for the time to push. Natasha talked about the makeshift nursery they set up for Wanda, Bucky talked about how he got clothes for Wanda and the babies from Wanda’s home, Steve talked about schedules and shifts he made up to help Wanda, Sam bought stuffed animals, and Peter offered to take the babies to the playground. Wanda just sat and listened, grateful for her friends and the help they were giving her. All she could think about was how you should be there.

You should be freaking out everytime Wanda had a contraction, asking if she should get the doctor. She knew you would try to find her favorite shows on the TV and rub her back whispering soothing words. She needed that more than anything, she needed you. She needed you to be there for your twins first breath, for bringing them home, for the countless sleepless nights.

Soon the doctor entered the room, “Wanda it looks like you are ready to push,” nurses entered behind them with all of the equipment needed for the babies’ delivery. Wanda nodded trying to prepare herself for the experience that was moments away. “Would you like anyone in the room with you?” and Wanda did, she wanted you but you weren’t there. So she asked her best friend Nat to stay with her to which Nat agreed.

They got into position and Wanda endured the hardest fight of her life, childbirth. She could’ve sworn she broke Natasha’s hand from how hard she was squeezing. Soon a melodic sound broke through the pain as her first child was born. “It’s a boy!” she heard and she started to cry of joy. She had a son. The joy didn’t last as she felt another urge to push. “And we have another boy!”

Wanda was so relieved that both boys were here and healthy. You kept telling her that you could feel it was two boys, two football players, you would say. They brought the babies to wanda and laid them on her chest. Nat was quick to snap a quick photo before exiting the room to let the rest of the team know, giving Wanda a moment with her children.

Nat walked out of the room to see no one in the waiting room. She asked the nurse where everyone was who informed her that they were outside. She walked quickly outside hoping you were back. Instead she saw someone else. Tony on his hands and knees crying while the rest of the team was surrounding him.

“What? Where’s Y/N?” Bucky was the first to speak. Everyone was too scared to hear what happened, why Tony was back but not Y/n.

“I don’t know. One minute we were in a room being questioned the next thing I  know y/n lunged at the guy questioning us. She was fighting with him for the poof thing. Then after she successfully got it we realized only one of us could go back while the other had to hit the button. She didn’t even give me a second. And now, now here I am and she is there. Where’s Wanda I  have to tell her something?” Tony suddenly looked frantic.

“No, you’re going with Bruce to do everything you can to get Y/N back.” Clint said, poking Tony in the chest. “You are not doing anything else until she’s back. And you definitely are not seeing Wanda. That girl just had to give birth to twins without y/n, she’s destroyed.” Clint walked back into the infirmary while everyone was still in shock.

“I ‘m sorry. I ‘m going to bring her back.” Tony promised before walking towards the lab to get in contact with the people who were already searching for y/n.

Meanwhile Wanda was still in awe of the two boys in her arms, memorizing all of their features. She knew their names, you and her had picked out the names for all twin scenarios and for two boys it’d be Tommy and Billy. She started to hum a tune she remembered as a child. She started to get upset as she remembered the last time she hummed the song.

You had just walked in from a long day helping in the lab and training. You saw Wanda in the kitchen cooking dinner before turning to see you. She gave you the biggest smile as she came over to wrap her arms around you. Her pregnant stomach left some room between you two as she reached up to plant a kiss on your lips.

“How was your day my love?” she asked walking back to the stove to turn it off and putting the food on the table.

“I'm so tired. Tony was going on about this new feature he wants to make for the quinjet and then Nat beat my ass at training. I don't want to do anything.” Wanda sensing your mood guided you to the couch she sat then pulled you down so your head was on her lap. She played with your hair to calm you down.

“The babies were very active today kicking the heck out of me” she giggled to which you turned your face to her stomach. You placed your hands on her stomach.

“Hey you two, stop kicking mama. I  know you want to play football but you're gonna have to wait till you come out of there.”

“How do you know they’ll want to play football?” She questioned you.

“I  can just feel it in my bones.” You said as your eyes fluttered close. Dinner was long forgotten as Wanda continued to play with your hair humming the tune and you drifted off to sleep.

The following week after the twins’ birth was very hard for Wanda. She went through all the firsts by herself. Instead of going through the first night with you she went through it alone. Instead of bringing them home together with big smiles she took them to her room in the compound. Instead of introducing the twins to the team with you they were all by Wanda’s side before she could introduce them.

She spent the nights in bed. Someone on the team  was always sleeping on a cot to help her during the nights. It had been 11 days since you went missing and you had already missed the biggest week of your little family’s life.

On the 11th day Wanda left the sleeping twins with a sleeping Uncle Bucky and roamed around the compound seeing you everywhere she went. In the kitchen where you both cooked dinner for the team all the time. On the couch where you spent countless nights watching tv shows and movies. In the training room where you pinned Wanda more times then she likes to admit. Then she headed towards the lab.

She stood shocked.

Right in front of her was a man that betrayed her. A man that you had put your life in the hands of who disappointed you. She stormed at him in a fit of rage. “You son of a bitch! Where is she? What did you do to her? I'm going to kill you!” Wanda screamed at him while hitting his chest. Tony let her, knowing that this was what she needed. Wanda continued to curse him out before Tony finally grabbed her hands.

“Stop. I  get it. I'm the bad guy, and I deserve to be. I  messed up the biggest moment of both of your lives. You can keep hitting me, knock me out, whatever you have to do. There is something I have to show you first though.” Tony let go of Wanda’s hands before walking to the screen to pull up a video for Wanda.

When it came through it was you. You were sitting in a bare room and Tony was asleep on the floor behind you. Your hair was a mess and you looked exhausted.

“Friday is it recording? Yes? Ok here we go. If anyone is watching this I  probably did something stupid and I ‘m so sorry. If it’s Wanda hi babe. Man, I think it’s been 3 days and I miss you like crazy. I ‘m trying to figure out a way to get back to you and the babies I promise.” Wanda can feel the tears rolling down her face. “Well I think I have a plan. You aren’t going to like it but I promise you that it will all work out and I will come back to you. Babe I  don't have much time they are coming back. I  love you and our twins so much. I  am going to do everything to come back to you.” Then the screen went black.

“Play it again, Tony.” Wanda asked Tony and he did. She watched it about 10 more times. Just hearing your voice made Wanda feel better.

“Thank you for showing me that. Can you send it to me?” Wanda asked, keeping her eyes locked on yours on the screen. Tony nodded and Wanda walked out of the room back to the twins.

After that day Wanda had hope. She knew you would come back to her. She watched that video every night on repeat to fall asleep too. She played it for the twins and other videos of you so they could hear your voice. The team noticed the change in Wanda as well. They were very skeptical but didn’t question her mood change.

After a month of you being missing Wanda had almost given up hope. Tommy was fussy and Billy had an explosion in his diaper and it was the first time the team had all gone on a mission so no one was with her. She was crying while changing Billy’s diaper while using her powers to rock Tommy’s baby seat.

“Ah boys, it’s ok mamas here. We’ll be ok sh sh sh.” She was so frustrated she couldn’t even get the diaper on Billy. There were a few more minutes of Tommy crying and Billy and now Wanda before she heard Tommy stop. She didn’t even turn around; she figured he just fell asleep.

When she turned with Billy in her arms she was shocked to see the person standing in front of her. It was the love of her life with her son. A sight Wanda never thought she would see. You looked skinnier, tons of bruises and cuts littered your skin. Your clothes were tattered and your hair was a mess in your face. Wanda thought you still looked just as beautiful. She had Billy in her arms as she slowly walked towards you not believing her eyes. She reached up and touched your face to make sure you were there. And you were.

With Tommy in one hand you reached up with your other to place on top of Wanda’s. “Hey there stranger.” You said with a chuckle. She wrapped her arm around you and started sobbing. You put Tommy in the bassinet still holding onto Wanda then reached for Billy placing him next to his brother. Then you did the thing you had been wanting to do forever.

You held onto Wanda as she sobbed in your arms. You stroked her hair while whispering “I’m here,” over and over in her ear.

Your arms were around Wanda but your eyes were on your twins. You soon began to cry, realizing how much time you missed. Wanda pulled away when she felt something drip on her shoulder.

“It’s ok my love you’re here now. You won’t miss anything else. You’re here.” Wanda promised with her hands on either side of your face to make you look at her. You leaned down and gave your love a long awaited kiss. Both of you being grateful to have the other there to comfort each other.

You soon pulled away from Wanda to look at your twins.

“I told you two football players.” You chuckled as you picked up the other baby who you have not held yet. “Who is who?”

“That’s Billy and this is Tommy.” She said while picking up the other baby. You both made your way to the bed with the twins and got comfortable next to each other. You stared at them trying to take in the two people who were now your own.

“I’m so sorry I  missed all of it. I  tried to get back as fast as I  could. I  really did. I  thought when I sent Tony back it was going to be hours and I would be back. But I see metal man's mind isn’t what it used to be.” You rambled on. You wanted Wanda to know just how sorry you were.

“It’s ok. You’re here now and I’m not letting them take you anywhere. You’re staying with us for as long as I want.” Wanda assured you. You sat with your family for hours just basking in their presence and soaking it all in. You changed every diaper and did anything Wanda needed until she ordered you to go shower. While watching your 7th episode of grey's anatomy you dozed off with the babies between you and Wanda.

You only woke when you heard the rest of your rag tag group of friends enter the compound from their latest mission not even trying to be quiet. You turned to see Wanda still awake nursing Billy.

“Should we scare them?” You asked Wanda with a grin on your face. “You can if you want.” She didn’t feel one way or the other. Knowing how much the team helped her while you were missing.

You stood up and hid behind the closed door. It opened halfway.

“Hey Wanda how’d everything go?” Steve asked, you could feel multiple people enter the room however.

“Boo!” you jumped out to scare the team. Bucky not knowing it was you punched you in the stomach.

“Ah shit sorry y/n.” he said before recognition came to his eyes and the others. “Wait y/n?” he stared in disbelief. Nat was the first to tackle you in a hug before the others were soon to follow.

“How, how, how did you get back?” Tony asked with tears in his eyes.

“Well I  thought you would figure it out quickly once I  sent you back but that didn’t happen. I  kept waiting and finally decided to just do it myself. I  befriended another prisoner who promised to poof me back. And then when they did I  was in the training room. I  got Wanda’s text and just assumed she was still here and made my way up to her room.” They all said how happy they were that you were back. You ate dinner as a family and spent the night in your room with your beautiful wife and boys.

“Let’s go home tomorrow.” you suggested to your half asleep wife in your arms.

“You are my home.” she said and you felt warmth well up in your chest.

“I  love you so much darling.” you nuzzled closer to her.

“I  love you more.” and you both fell into a deep sleep which neither of you had had for a long time.

[ttylbabezzz]

Jeff wittek part one

Everyone knew Jeff in some way, whether just by association or from the vlog squad. He was the type of guy that could make even the saddest of people laugh and I loved that about him more than I should. I was a friend of Corinna’s, her hairstylist who did not only her hair but all of the girls in the squads too. We were all great friends, they were often at my place and I was the one thing they kept to themselves. Until we got closer and it was hard to hide our friendship. So like most people at parties, I ended up here thanks to Corinna. Everyone was here, people I had met, people I hadn’t and Corinna was quick to introduce me to everyone as we sipped on drinks. I couldn’t remember who’s party it was or why we were here but as we all laughed I didn’t really care. I was squished in between Scott and toddy but after a while Scott left and his body was replaced by another. He had been sitting on the arm rest and I hadn’t really had the chance to get a good look at him or really introduce myself. But as I turned around and I saw him I stopped myself mid sentence “hi I’m,-“ I turned back around swiftly and glared at Corinna. “Y/N” I finished refusing to turn back around. This was her doing. I made the mistake of mentioning my perfect guy. How I expected him to look and behave and the man sitting beside me was the exact replica of that. But there was a problem. So was my last boyfriend, he fit the same bill, rough exterior, with well sculpted hair and the perfect stubble. But Jeff, I knew Jeff, I watched his videos but everytime I watched them the same thoughts went through my head ‘he’s kind of a dick’ ‘wow if he can talk about girls like that...’ and ‘I can’t fucking stand this guy.’. I didn’t know whether I should scoff and walk away or be civil so I settled on simply smiling over at him with an apprehensive look in my eyes. He catches my eye and smiles back a soft wink shot in my direction as he smirked and leant forward with his elbows on his knees and his arms folded in front of him. I gave it some time refusing to look in his direction as we made snarky comments back and forth. I was frustrated by the time I was leaving and not in a good way. He was exactly the kind of guy I’d do anything for. But this time I wouldn’t let myself. As days turned into weeks and weeks to months, 6 had passed. Today was like no other, Jeff and I had been tossing rude things back and fourth all day. It started with me insulting his videos and slowly from there it just progressively got worse, but something about this one was different, it was very different. Our voices progressively rose as we yelled following each other around the house as we fought about nothing. It started off with me passing a snarky comment about him being an asshole, and grew to us now yelling little things just to make the other person mad. Then things started getting thrown in the others general direction not to hit each other but to prove how angry we were. Pillows, solo cups, keys, even my phone which now laid shattered and probably completely broken on the floor with his laying a few feet from me after ricocheting off the now dented wall. “You’re nothing but a piece of sh!t, you’re like everyone else that’s as attractive as you, nothing but a douche who treats women badly!” I yell and he recoils back away from me a look of fury passing his face “what did I ever do go make you hate me so much?” He asks his voice dropping. With angry tears falling from my eyes I crossed my arms over my chest. “Nothing.” I say “then why the f*ck do you hate me? We hadn’t even said hi yet and you hated me what the f*ck is up with that?! I thought you were this cool and kind and caring and giving girl who is so confident and really loves life and her people, like you were with everyone else but you’re nothing but a cold hearted bitch with me!” He says angrily still “I’d rather have a cold heart and be a bitch then just another one of those girls. I’m sorry I didn’t fall all over you like everyone else. Would that have made things better?!” I muttered storming towards the door.

“what the f*ck is that supposed to mean y/n?!” He says following me with confusion write all over his face “nothing Jeff. Just leave me alone.” I say forcing back tears and grabbing my keys. “Stop running away from me!” He pleads his voice hard trying to stop me from leaving again “no.” I say as I keep trying to walk forward. His hand gripped my shoulder pulling me around to face him and in that split second his lips crashed onto mine. It wasn’t like I planned on melting into him the way I did, it just happened. My arms wound around his neck, his hat falling off as he pushes me against the wall. Our hot breaths fanned each other’s face every few seconds as we pulled apart to catch our breath. Our kisses were hungry like we had been waiting and building up to this moment forever. My legs wrapped around his waist as we pressed into each other. I didn’t know how long we were making out with each other before we finally broke apart from each other. Our breathing heavy, a look of confusion was written across Jeff’s face as he looked deep into my eyes surveying my face as if to fully comprehend that we had just done that. His eyes flicked down to my lips once more before they met mine once more. As if to make sense of it all he placed his lips on mine once more and just like the last time, I kissed back. I don’t know what was more shocking to him the fact that we were making out or the fact that I was willingly kissing him when less than 30 minutes ago we were at each other’s throats over nothing. He broke the kiss once more before setting me down “maybe we should talk. About this whole situation.” He says and I nod “ yeah I think that’s a good idea. Maybe before David gets home.” I say nervously. I pick my keys and purse up off of the floor as we exit David nat and is house. Jeff drives and I just look out the window biting on my nails gently and scratching my one leg over and over lightly from the anxiety. My movements stopped as a hand grabbed mine and laced our fingers while he drove. I squeezed his hand gently letting him know I was okay as he rubbed circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. The thoughts were running wild through my mind how could I have been so careless. But I realized, it wasn’t care less at all. In fact it was to hide something I had been trying to avoid since we met. The inevitable. Me falling for him. I had hoped if I made him hate me then I would be okay and wouldn’t but in the process I found myself falling harder for little things he did, how he smiled, how for some stupid reason there was always this glint in his eye when he was looking at me. Just to piss me off he’d always wink. But deep down, I loved when he winked at me. All of the emotions I had been trying to avoid since I met him were exploding and I didn’t know what to do because a part of me was scared he didn’t feel the same. Maybe it was how he looked at me from time to time, or the way he said my name or the simple kind things he did for me even though we were always arguing. It was poetic really a love hate that was almost terrifying.He parked the car and I took a look around, my jaw dropped when I realized we were out in front of my favorite restaurant. “How did you know this is my favorite place to eat?” I ask “I pay attention. You’re carrying a takeout box from them almost daily.” He says and I furrow my eyebrows “I live with David and he doesn’t even know this is my favorite place to eat.” “David wouldn’t know unless it smacked him in the face quite literally.” He says and I agree “for the most part anyways.” I say and he nods . We’re sitting at a booth not 10 minutes later and I struggle to keep calm as anxiety courses through my body. I was playing with my nails not getting enough of them apparently. Jeff watched me intently, studying me as if I was the most interesting thing in the world. We get our drink and our shared appetizers and finally the conversation starts “I need to know if what just happened was in the heat of the moment or if it actually meant something.” Jeff says.

“I wouldn’t have kissed you if it was just in the heat of the moment and we both know that Jeff.” I say quietly and he nods. “So you don’t hate me either? Because your mouth was saying something but uh... your mouth also definitely said something like completely different.” His eyes meet mine and I blush looking away with a small giggle “yeah well my head wants one thing and my heart wants the other.” “Which ones which?” He asks biting into the jalapeño popper I always ordered. “My head was telling me to run, that you’re the kind of guy I should run far away from and never look back at. But regardless of that. You were my perfect guy. Corinna knew that when she introduced us, but I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I somehow thought it would be a good idea to make you hate me so that you couldn’t hurt me. It was stupid really but it made sense. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself of these things that weren’t and aren’t necessarily true but I tried making myself believe them so I could hate you. But I couldn’t hate you.” I say not much higher than a whisper. “ But why couldn’t you make yourself hate me? And why did you get to decide if I should hate you or not?” He asks slouching back in our booth. “Because. Instead of hating you I think I fell in love with you instead. I don’t know when, or how. Or even why really. But I could figure out a few things here and there that probably did that. And it wasn’t my place to decide if you should hate me or not, but it was at the time my best interest and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for making you hate me because I’m the insecure one who couldn’t admit that she was so fucking attracted to you. Im so sorry for all the things I said. But never for one second did I actually believe them. I I... I’m so sorry.” I say as a few tears fall out of my eyes and I sniffle wiping my nose while looking down at my lap pulling at my lip ring nervously. I was everything I told myself never to be and I was suffering from it. “What few things stood out to you?” He asks leaning forward and grabbing my hand “I don’t know, maybe it was the way you looked at me sometimes, it was like no matter what I said, no matter what I did, that I could do no wrong. Like I was the only person in that moment who mattered. Or how every fucking day you smile at me like you’re happy to see me. Or how even though were always yelling at each other you always walk beside the road, open doors for me, pull out my chair for me. You somehow always knew when I was hungry and you’d always make sure I ate. You never let anyone treat me badly, always got mad at everyone who tried. And that stupid fucking wink that almost literally makes my panties drop and that pisses me off.” I say and he nods. “You want to know something? The truth of the matter?” Jeff asks and I nod wiping some tears once more as he moves to sit beside me instead of across from me. “truth is, no matter how much you try to make me hate you, I won’t. I haven’t really tried either. Honestly I think part of me knew you didn’t really hate me, just wanted me to think you did. To the others, they wouldnt have noticed it, but I know you better than you think. I could see past your little glares I could see the regret in your face after everything you said, how your cheeks would turn red everytime you caught me staring at you, how you looked like you wanted to cry for hours after our little fights, honestly I fell for you so hard that I relied on our fights because at least I knew you actually cared when we did. You cared enough to notice things I did and it gave me hope. And I know exactly why. Because I’ve been in love with you for months. And this whole situation, us fighting all day everyday , I want to start over, not pretend that it didn’t happen because it did, it happened but I really want to see if we can work.” He says pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“I kind of do too. If I could take it all back maybe I wouldn’t have been so stupid and let you in. Because you’re not like everyone else, you treat me so good even though we were always fighting. You always open doors for me, walk by the road every time even when that’s the reason we’re fighting. God I’m such an idiot.” I say putting my head in my hands and letting a few tears fall. There was an arm around my shoulders a moment later as he pulls me close “I don’t blame you for being scared, I don’t blame you for any of this y/N. You’re not an idiot you’re human, we make mistakes and you came to terms with it and were being adults and were talking about this together. An idiot wouldn’t feel bad for anything and I know for a fact you beat yourself up over how we treated each other okay? But let’s start over, let’s turn over a clean slate and let’s do what we both want to do. Let’s be together. Baby, I want to be with you.” He says kissing my head. I nod and I hug him, for only the third time in my life and it feels amazing. We finish our meal before we go for a drive around to his place where we knew we’d have privacy. We both find a spot on his couch, far away at first but he was quick to come and sit beside me. “I think for a while we should just keep this between us, just gradually start being nicer to each other and see if they can figure it out.” I say and he nods “whatever you want. I’m fine as long as at the end of the day you’re mine.” He says kissing my cheek. I look up at him and press my lips against his once more with my hand resting on his cheek. Minutes pass before he pulls away grinning and chuckling “what?” I ask and he smiles at me “I’ve been waiting for so long for this I’m just so happy baby girl.” He says with tears in his eyes. I blush and look away “Jeff..” I start and he nods “I love you.” I whisper looking up at him nervously “I love you too baby. So much.” He says kissing me. Needless to say nobody heard from either of us for hours over the next two days. We spent our weekend together in his apartment making up for lost time. But reality called on Sunday night and I left for my place. I had to work Monday to Thursday and since I’d be filming with David almost every other day this week we’d have little time to see each other. I came up with a good excuse for where I was all weekend saying I got called in to teach a hair course my co worker wasn’t able to make so I was out doing that all weekend. Living with David was going to make this all the more difficult but it was going to be so worth it in the end.

More parts to come! Hope you all enjoy it!! More will be posted once I see if everyone likes it!

[beanfic]

New Roommates-Ch.2

Word count: 1838

Warnings: Talk of parental death & language 

Author’s note: Here is chapter 2 of my YouAU for Kansas’ writing challenge! As a reminder, this series is in first person from MY perspective so it is not a reader insert fic, but I hope you still enjoy it! :)

I felt strange right as I stepped foot into my new bedroom. It was still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have officially moved out and moved in with strangers I met off the internet. 

My suitcases sat in front of me. It seemed as if they were mocking me. I knew I should start unpacking but I could slowly feel myself getting more and more anxious. I stood up from the bed that the movers had installed and stretched my arms. Maybe if I had some company I would be able to unpack quicker and stay motivated. 

I opened my bedroom door and peeked my head out. I could hear Kae’s voice in the kitchen, and that was exactly who I needed to help me. Usually, I felt anxious around people who I do not know, but they made me feel so comfortable, it was nice. 

“Hey Kae! Do you want to help me unpack? I felt like it could be an easy bonding experience,” I joked as I walked into the kitchen.

“Hell yeah!” They stood up from the stool and walked back to my bedroom with me. 

The next hour was spent with me explaining my past to Kae while folding, hanging, and putting away clothes. Kae was easy to talk too, but I also wanted to know more about them. 

“Looks like the clothes are all done!” Kae announced. I nodded and held my hand up for a high five. 

“Let’s make my bed next since I need to sleep in that tonight,” I chuckled. Kae and I grabbed both ends of the black sheets and tucked them over the mattress. 

“This comforter is so pretty!”

“Thank you! My mom got it for me as a moving out gift!” I smiled. The black and white striped comforter matched well with the white furniture that I had picked out. The colors I chose for the room were black, white, and rose gold! 

“This blanket is so soft,” Kae wrapped her body with a fluffy rose gold blanket you had found at target. 

“Right?”

“I think I might steal this.”

“Maybe I will just have to buy you your own!” I giggled.

“I can just buy myself one! Target trip!” Kae clapped excitedly once again. 

“Yes! I love target! That is where I got most of my rose gold decorations to go on my dresser and desk!” 

“I love it! Your room is so cute.”

“Thank you, Kae!” 

A knock on the door interrupted the conversation that we were having. I went over and opened it up to reveal Tyler. 

“Kae don’t you have work at 6?”

“Oh fuck!” they screamed. “I lost track of time! Sorry, Y/N, but I’ll be over lots!!” I waved goodbye to Kae who rushed out of my room. Tyler shut the door leaving me alone with my thoughts once again. I continued unpacking tiny nick-nacks that had sentimental value. Small, nostalgic memories flooded my brain everytime I picked up an item. 

I missed Oregon. I missed the trees, the rainstorms, the beach, the mountains. Columbus isn’t bad, it’s just not the same. 

The smell of a seasoned chicken being cooked in the oven wafted into my room, filling my nostrils. My mouth started to water, and my stomach began to rumble. I had such a hectic day that I really didn’t eat that much. I was starving. 

I opened the door and was greeted by Josh also coming out of his bedroom. His eyes matched with mine and we both just awkwardly stared at each other for a second too long. 

“Hey, Sav,” Josh broke the eye contact as he looked away. I blinked a few times. Why was that such an awkward encounter? 

“Hey, Josh. Why didn’t you help me move in?” I asked with a hint of sarcasm to my tone of voice so he knew that I wasn't actually upset. I even crossed my arms and leaned into my hip for added effect. 

“As the boys probably told you I was busy!”

“They said you were taking a nap?”

“Yeah, busy taking a fat nap.”

I rolled my eyes and walked away towards the scent of dinner. My heart started to speed up as I realized this would be my first dinner at my new apartment with my new roommates. 

“Hey, Sav! Good morning, Josh!” Mark teased as we both sat down at the counter. He was wearing an apron that had ‘Chef Mark” embroidered into it

“It smells delicious!” 

“Thank you! We are having rosemary lemon pepper chicken, asparagus, and mashed potatoes! It should be done in about five minuted and then you can help yourself!” Mark explained. 

I smiled towards him before turning around to see what Tyler was up to. He was sitting on the couch heavily involved in a Mario kart race. 

“Does he usually play alone?” I turned back around asking Mark and Josh, not wanting to disrupt Tyler.

“Usually when I am cooking, or when Josh is busy.” Mark put air quotes around the word busy. 

“Shuddup,” Josh mumbled. He was busy on his phone and I took a peek over. I recognized the app almost immediately. 

“You’re on tinder?” I practically laughed in his face. 

“Jesus,” Josh locked his phone and glanced up at me. “Why yes I am.”

“For some reason that surprises me.”

“Why?” Josh furrowed his brow.

“I don’t know, I feel like you could just find dates naturally.”

“Because I am naturally handsome?” Josh winked. 

“No,” I rolled my eyes once again. I quickly looked away from Josh once I started to feel my cheeks get warm. There was no way I was letting Josh see me getting flustered. Even though I did think he was naturally handsome and pretty, and cute. I had to stop. He was my roommate. 

“Dinner is ready!” Mark called out. I stood up from the stool and followed behind Josh. Tyler slowly made his way over to the kitchen from the couch.

“How is Mario kart going?” I asked him.

“Not too well, I keep on getting third and I am no third placer.”

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Josh laughed as he scooped a pile of potatoes onto his plate.

“You lose to me literally every single time we play, Josh. You have no place to talk.”

“I’m not as bad as Mark though.”

Mark looked up from his own plate with his mouth wide open, “You guys are just rude.”

I softly laughed to myself as the boys continued to bicker. It was probably going to be something I need to get used to. I grabbed a few pieces of chicken, asparagus, and a scoopful of mashed potatoes, it looked and smelled delicious. 

I noticed that all the boys hurried over to the couch with Josh and Mark planting down on the bean bags. I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to sit, as I wasn’t fully comfortable eating on a couch so I decided to walk over to the kitchen table. 

“Sav!” Tyler yelled as he turned around. “Come sit with us!” 

I smiled, “Okay.” I took a few deep breaths as I shuffled over and sat on the far left of the couch next to Tyler. The couch made a pfft sound as I lowered down into the cushions. 

“So, Sav, let’s use this as a bonding experience! Tell us more about yourself!” Mark asked. 

I shrugged my shoulders as I finished chewing a piece of chicken that I had in my mouth. “I don’t really know what you guys even want to know! I’m not interesting.”

“Let’s start why you moved to Ohio! You mentioned something about your grandma?”

“Oh yeah.” I rubbed my arm. “My grandma isn’t doing too well, she has stage 3 breast cancer, and my mom felt guilty that she was all the way in Oregon and not here helping her own mom.”

“So it’s your mom’s mom?” Tyler clarified.

I nodded, “Yeah, it’s just me and my mom. My Dad passed away when I was 11 from Leukemia.”

“I’m so sorry, Sav, I had no idea,” Tyler said softly. 

“That must have been really hard,” Josh chimed in. He looked up at me with his large chocolate eyes and I found myself getting lost in them. 

“It’s okay, it was such a long time ago but I still have those days where I miss him a lot.” I looked down at my plate, not wanting to be caught staring into Josh’s eyes. I don’t know what it is about him, but he just mesmerizes me when I look at him. 

“Let’s change the subject to something happier! You graduated college right?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, from Portland State University! I majored in Psychology but I can’t really do anything with that degree unless I go back to school for a masters program which is why I am hoping to make extra money from the photography job I found.”

“You already have a photography job?” Tyler asked.

“Yeah! I had an interview about a month ago, and I just found out last week I was hired!”

“What is it exactly?” Mark questioned. He was a videographer himself so he was also familiar with cameras. I was actually hoping he could give me some camera tips.

“I’m working with the Olentangy Local School District with photographing their sporting events!”

“That’s where my Mom worked!” Tyler laughed.

“Just sporting events?” Josh looked up from his meal with his left eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, why?”

“What about the band? Theatre? Choir? The arts?”

“That’s true,” Tyler agreed. 

“The sports are just more important I guess,” I shrugged and smirked over at Josh. “Plus I don’t get to choose what I photograph.”

“I think that’s exciting! I knew you liked to take pictures but I didn’t realize you were a photographer,” Mark announced.

“I wouldn’t call me a photographer, but thank you!”

“Can we see some of the photos that you have taken?” Josh asked. I was surprised that he wanted to see them out of all the boys, but it made me excited. 

“Sure, I have some of my favorites saved on my phone.” I pulled out my phone and opened it up to the album titles ‘favs’. I clicked on the first photo, which happened to be of the sunset at a beach with a couple holding hands. I handed my phone over to Josh and Tyler and Mark were quick to look over his shoulder.

“Sav, these are amazing!” Mark said.

I smiled, “Thank you!” It means a lot coming from Mark since he was really into cameras and all that sort of stuff. I still consider myself to be new to the photography world.

“Yeah, you’re super talented,” Josh whispered as he handed me the phone back. His fingers brushed against mine as I grabbed my phone. I quickly shoved my phone back into my sweatshirt pocket and looked away. A shiver ran down my spine.

************

Tag list: @takenvysleep @fromcalmto-ill @svintsandghosts @reginawashere15 @breadbinishigh @ohprettyweeper

[mattsbabysitter]

Passers By ~ 3 ~ Bellamy Blake

TAGLIST

: @kawennote09 @littlelaia23 @winchester7984 (Let me know if you want to be tagged; Italics means it won’t let me tag)

Part 1  Part 2

PART 3 

Clarke, Finn, Jasper, Monty, and Octavia went searching for Mount Weather like Jaha had requested. Meanwhile, I was sitting in the opening of the drop ship.

Bellamy had presumed to make himself the leader. They built a fire, convincing the kids to take their wristbands off. I shook my head at how easy the leadership came to him. He had no problem giving orders and knew that the kids would listen if he said the right words.

“So,” My head snapped up, “you are definitely over 18. But not a day over 23 cause I’m 23.” He chuckled slightly, letting his hard exterior fall for the moment. Bellamy squatted in front of my legs, which were swinging from the edge. I couldn’t reach the ground from where I was sitting.

“I’m 20. Almost 21 actually.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Well you should come celebrate with me. Stand by the fire, take off your wristband. Be free with me.” I shook my head at his offer.

“You’re crazy, Blake. For a guy with plenty of girls to choose from, you picked the wrong one.” His eyebrows furrowed, and his head tilted in confusion.

“Oh, I think I picked the right one.” He stood from his spot and sat next to me, one knee bent, his arm draped across it. The other leg was straight out. “Y/N L/N, 20 years of age. Great grades so you’re smart, one of the few female guards so you’re persistent, you’re obviously gorgeous, can shoot a gun with impeccable aim. Not much of a rebel though.” I covered my face with both of my hands as he continued. “Except, when I was in a time of need. She swiped the scanner of her supervisor and father to try and save my ass.”

“I’m sorry, that I couldn’t save it. Even though it still looks pretty good from what I saw when you walked away earlier.” I had been sincere at first, dropping my hands from my face, but then I wanted to lighten the mood.

“You tried though,” he grabbed my hand from my lap, “and I’m grateful. And you thought that I wouldn’t remember.”

“Bellamy, you were literally the apple of my eye, so to speak. Living down the hall came with advantages. I just thought you weren’t worried about me. I was a little girl. When I grew up, I wanted to swoop in for my chance. I missed it. You left the guard and I was lost for a good 6 months. Hoping you just took a break from losing your mother and your sister.” I leaned closer to him, “My father noticed actually. He grew concerned, and he sent me to guard everything, hoping to distract me. It made it worse. The more I moved, the bigger chance I could see you.”

“And I had never even noticed you before.”

“Actually, not true. Do you remember one of the masked parties that you went to? I was at one of them. We talked all night, dancing, laughing. I knew it was you. When you asked for my name, I told you that you saw me everyday.” He turned to me, realization spreading through his face. As he noticed we were closer and what night I was talking about.

“That was you? I had been looking for you. I would look at every girl I passed. You were in front of me the whole time.” We laughed.

“I was right there. And I’m right here.” His eyes flickered to my lips. I pushed forward, kissing him. Pulling away, he kept moving towards me. “Now it seems like your leadership is doing well.” I cleared my throat and he just groaned.

“You did that on purpose.” I laughed and jumped off the ledge.

“Yes, but it was a free sample. You’ve gotta pay for the whole meal.” I winked, turning around and walking away from Bellamy Blake.

——————-

Everytime Bellamy had to yell throughout the camp, I steered clear. I stood at the back, not completely paying attention because I knew it made him crazy.

“Excuse me?” I sat at the bottom of a tree.

“Yes, Mr. Leader, sir.” I smiled and he did the thing where he leans back a bit, sticking his tongue in his cheek, looking around.

“That’s how we’re playing this game? Sir, free sample kisses.” I shook my head.

“We’re not playing a game. Your underage girlfriends that left your tent were the clear forfeit sign.” I broke the stick I had been twirling around my fingers.

“Did I hurt your feelings?” I stood up, looking him in the eyes.

“I could lie and say no. However, I did get to see you shirtless when you walked out.  But that’s okay. This is what I had expected at a young age. You let me down a lot. You live your king of the hill life the way you want to.”

“Fine, maybe I will.”

“Good for you, Blake.” I sat back down, picking up another stick. He walked away, but he stopped, turning back.

“I need another sample,” I threw the twig at him.

“Someone else will gladly give you a free meal.”

“But I don’t want a free meal. I need your sample, cause it was so damn good.” I thought about it. I mean what can I lose? I curled my finger for him to come here. He kneeled down, one knee on the ground, between my legs.

My fingers gripped his chin, pulling him to my lips. Our lips smacked together, savoring the taste of the other. I sucked on his bottom lip, tugging on it. He kissed me again, slipping his tongue into the mix. After a good two minutes, I placed my hands on both shoulders, slowly pushing away.

“Wow, that was a good free sample. That was like, wow.”

“Get back to work, Bellamy.” He was still dazed, so I stood up and he quickly followed my movements. I walked towards the dropship, and his heavy footsteps were heard throughout the aviation vehicle.

“But babe, that was amazing. Don’t you see?” I nodded at his words, not facing him, taking off my shirt to rip the sleeves off. “Oh my god. I’m gonna die. Are you serious?”

“I told you to get back to work.”

“But I don’t take orders from you.”

“That’s true. And I don’t listen to you.” His fingertips touched my shoulders, then they slid down my arms and back up. They lightly danced down my spine, causing my body to shiver. My hips were where they landed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to give an appetizer?” His words whispered in my ear, his breath causing goosebumps all over me. I turned around in his arms. Our eyes met, then we lightly paused, our noses touched. Just as we were about to let our lips connect, Bellamy’s name was shouted.

“Bellamy!” He groaned, placing his face in the crook of my neck, his hands still tightly on my hips. Slowly moving them down, he placed a kiss to my skin on my shoulder.

“I want you, so bad.”

“Duty calls, sir.” His eyes darkened and he looked down and back at me.

“Fuck me.” He had to fix the problem in his pants, when I stood on my tiptoes to whisper in his ear.

“I’m planning on it, when the time is right.” With that, I threw my shirt over my head, walking out of the dropship with him following.

“Bell- there you are.”

“Where’s the food?” Bellamy questioned the group.

“We didn’t get it. We were attacked.” Finn explained

“By what?” I asked.

“Not what. Who?”

“When the last grounder went up 100 years ago, he wasn’t the last one.”

“Where’s Jasper?” I looked around at the hunting group. Octavia was limping, so I walked to aid her. “Here, sit.” Bellamy was standing behind me as I helped.

“He was speared in the chest by them. They took him.”

“You let them take him?”

“We weren't gonna risk all of us getting taken. He isn’t dead. We have to go back for him.”

“Damn right you’re going back.” I ripped the bottom portion of my shirt off, wrapping it around Octavia’s wound in her leg. “And I’m going with you.”

“Bellamy, I heard you had a gun.” Clarke had gotten close to him to speak, but I could read her lips. He made eye contact with me, nodding his head to answer her question. “Great, you’re coming with us.”

“You don’t tell me what to do, princess.” He was very serious when speaking to her, while his response to me earlier had been lighthearted.

“But you want them to listen to you.” She nodded her head towards the kids in camp.

“Let’s go.” Octavia had tried to get up, but I shook my head at her. She shouldn’t keep walking on her leg.

“O, you’re staying here.” I let my head fall, knowing Bellamy would be hard on her about it. I saw they were going to argue, so I stepped in, placing a hand on his chest.

“Don’t take offense to it. We don’t want your leg to get any worse, it might slow us down a little bit. We’re gonna get Jasper and come right back, okay. And Bellamy won’t be here to tell you what to do all day.” I smiled at her and he was not happy with my response. Octavia nodded her head.

“Murphy! You’re coming with me. Atom, make sure my sister doesn’t leave this camp. And no one touches her.” Bellamy’s voice was like an explosion through camp.

“Are you serious, Bell? She’s almost 18.” I crossed my arms.

“And you’re almost 21, doesn’t mean I’m letting you drink alone.”

“Last time I checked, I don’t listen to you.”

“But Atom does.”

“He is the same age as her. Doesn’t he need a babysitter?”

“You can be his babysitter.”

“No, I’m going to find Jasper. Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Well who do you think is fit to watch Atom?”

“None of them. They’re all the same age or younger. This is the most pointless argument I’ve ever had. We’re leaving. Octavia is staying here to rest her leg and Atom is not watching her. He can keep her company if she wants his company.” Bellamy and I had a stare down until he gave in and I looked at everyone surrounding us.

“You sound like a married couple, let's go.” Clarke pointed out as we started the trek to find my goggle wearing buddy. I smiled and looked at Bellamy. He just looked at me and shoved my shoulder. I almost fell over from the force.

I elbowed him in his side and he hunched over. He groaned and I jumped on his back. His arms looped under my knees and he stood up tall. Everything was different from this perspective.

“Is this how it feels to be tall? Wow, I never thought I’d see the day.”

“I never thought I’d see the day where I’m giving a girl a piggyback ride through the woods on Earth.”

“Touché, Blake. So, do you like being in charge?”

“It’s not terrible. But I’m practically the cool uncle to all of these kids.” I giggled. “They listen when I’m serious and do whatever the hell they want when I let them.”

“Even the girls. They just jump at the chance to be in your tent. I mean at their age, so would I.”

“Yeah, I mean, no. It’s pretty complicated.” I leaned forward on his right shoulder, I pressed my lips to his cheek.

“It’s okay. I know what’s going on. I know what I’m getting myself into. Don’t worry. The multiple girls isn’t my issue. Just, do you treat them the same way as me?” He shook his head, twisting it to look at me.

“You’re different. You know you’re different. You’re better.”

“Why cause I’m the only legal one?” I laughed but he didn’t think it was funny.

“No, Y/N. You just won’t give up on me. And that’s just what I need. I need someone to believe in me when I’m not being the leader. When I go through the tough times, i need the push to keep going.” He set me down. “You are that push.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him.

“We’re gonna get left behind.”

“Who cares?” He left a trail of open mouth kisses down my jawline and my neck to my collarbone.

“You have the gun.” He stopped and look at me. “I read Clarke’s lips.”

“Can you read mine?” He kissed me again, gently.

“I think you said, we will finish this after we get Jasper.” He chuckled and kissed me again.

“Wrong. I think you need a little more practice.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the group.

[my-job-is-to-fangirl]

This is such a random post, but I watch a lot of youtube and it’s the best distraction/ way to pass time. I watch a variety of channels, and I’m subscribed to over 80 channels, and have about 1900 videos in my watch later list soooo :))) enjoy. No particular order but I’m doing 20 channels because 2020 (which needs to end right now). I’m going to link my favourite video of theirs as well, so you’ll have something to start with if you’re interested.

fashion and lifestyle

1. bestdressed

I already talked about her in my light content to consume while in quarantine post, but I’ll do it again. She is hands down my favourite youtuber. I had this phase where I was watching clothing hauls nonstop for some reason, and then I found Ashley’s channel. I couldn’t stop watching her videos. They’re fun, they have actual content, and she talks about stuff like how youtubers make money, and she gives the whole truth. Her fashion videos are so inspiring, I love her style, I love how she pairs things that you normally wouldn’t and her favourite word (say it with me, kids) juxtaposition of pieces that would ‘normally’ not be paired together.

She puts in so much effort into filming her videos, and even more into editing them. She doesn’t just do fashion videos, she does apartment makeovers, real talks, everything, but overall a fashion channel. I’ve seen her channel suddenly blow up and I think she had 500k or 600k subscribers when I started, and now she has 3.1 million :’) I want to raid her wardrobe for her thrifted pieces. Anyway, here’s my video pick(s) for her channel-

how to look cute when you’re out of f*cks

the ultimate guide to closet essentials

2. Yoora Jung

I wait for her videos more than any other channel, she just has the most relatable content because her days comprise of (other than her work, which is a lot) scrolling through instagram, watching youtube, snacking, rolling around in bed and procrastinating- I love her. Also her editing is on another level, all her intros are unique and fun. She can literally sit in a chair and talk about grapes for 40 minutes and I’d still watch. Also when she speaks in Korean, its the cutest thing ever.

I followed Jungkook’s workout routine for a week // getting fit with yoora season 1 ep 1

Waking up at 5 AM for a week in college    (she works really hard as you can see. I’d never have the motivation to get up at 5)

3. ohnonina

neeeeeeen < 3 Watching her videos makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Not to mention she gives a virtual hug at the end of every video :’) She does GRWM’s, k-pop, fashion, art, day in the life, studying and bullet journal videos. Everytime she hits a new 100k+ number of subscribers, she does a cooking with nina, those might be my favourite ones because she always does a korean dish. Also not really studying with nina I LOVE THOSE.

study korean with me but i actually study intensely | not really studying with nina 14

i made tteokbokki 떡볶이 (korean spicy rice cakes) | cooking with nina

4. ur mom ashley

She does fashion videos, but other content as well. She does thrift hauls, dressing out of her comfort zone type videos, and a lot of content with her siblings and boyfriend. Honestly, it’s a crackhead time when they’re around, especially her younger brother. She also makes what I eat in a day videos and I genuinely haven’t seen any other vegan person at least try to eat foods other than avocado and kale. She makes some nice recipes and eats good portions like a normal person, I really appreciate that.

what i eat in a week as a college student (vegan!!)

REVAMPING MY WARDROBE for 2020 (Princess Polly Haul)

5. Nava Rose

Firstly, I’d like to point out how much I love listening to her talk, I don’t know what it is but I love it. She has some great DIY videos, it is a DIY/ fashion haul/ hacks channel so ya. She does a lot of revamping/upcycling videos where she transforms men’s oversized clothes and makes them cute. I was very inspired by her and I did some myself! She has an amazing sense of style I wish I had some of her clothes.

50 WAYS TO STYLE DENIM | easy everyday outfit ideas!

6. Nuria Ma

She’s eighteen, lives alone some of the time and is possibly one of the hardest working people I’ve seen, juggling school and youtube. When I started watching her I think she just turned 17 and I was going mad wondering how someone could be so organized and put together at 17. She makes her own food- three meals every day, works out, studies for hours, does youtube, and what not. She’s genuinely amazing, also look how pretty she is.

KOREAN FASHION HAUL | Yesstyle

7. Erna Limdaugh

I found her channel only a few months ago, her videos are so calming and soothing to watch. She does a lot of day in the life type vlogs with her friends, morning/night routines and unboxings. She lives in Seoul that’s how I found her when I was looking for Korea content. Her fashion sense is amazing, and her cat, Yuri, is adorable *_*

A DAY IN MY LIFE – WHAT I EAT IN A DAY Life in Seoul | Erna Limdaugh

8. Jenn Im

I don’t watch her makeup and beauty videos because I don’t know much about makeup, but her vlogs, fashion, and book videos are great. I feel like she’s a wise older sister that I don’t have =p I especially love her cooking videos where she makes Korean dishes that her mom used to make. She has her own clothing line too, she does some promo videos and stuff, they’re cool.

What I Eat in a Day Easy Korean Recipes

9. Michelle Choi 최 혜림 (the seoul search)

She deserves so many more followers. Productive q u e e n. My friend and I are always discussing how the hell she can be so productive. She studies, does freelance design work, does assignments, cooks, does youtube, cleans, what is she?? Her videos make me want to be productive but instead I sit and watch more of them =)

(daily vlog) Finals Season: lots of coffee, cooking, + workspace tour!

food

10. Nino’s Home

Really yummy looking food, the babiest cat in a myriad of sweaters, and the funniest captions ever. No jokes, he’s truly hilarious. He has some really interesting recipes too, I think he takes from all over Asia, there’s a great variety of sweet and savoury.

Fried Milk Melt in Your Mouth

11. Maangchi

I legitimately call her maangchi aunty that’s how much I love her. Look how cute she is!!!!!! She has the happiest videos, they can brighten your mood in no time. Although many of her videos include meat, I still watch them so I can perhaps sub the meat for something else. She has a different headband/ head gear in every video, watch for that! I have tried three of four of her vegetarian recipes and I love them. I’ll link my favourite one, it’s become a staple at my house.

Vegetable Pancake (Yachaejeon: 야채전)

12. Pick Up Limes

Her videos are aesthetic, her recipes are easy, her voice can calm everything. It’s a vegan channel. I’m not vegan, I’m vegetarian so I can use her recipes by substituting whatever I want.

Cozy drinks to warm you up

13. Wil Yeung – Cook with Confidence

Also a vegan channel. I love his simple cooking and his style of narration. He doesn’t overdo it with the voiceover, he just says ‘medium sized pan’, ‘2 cups water’, ‘stir’. I’ve tried his gochujang and chili oil videos, they’re so good. I had to make do with what I had but still really good.

HOW TO MAKE CHILI OIL ***EASY 5 MIN RECIPE*** CHINESE HOT SAUCE

14. Zoe 조에

Her videos are so pretty to watch!! She works at her mom’s cafe so the videos are vlogs of that. They have beautiful desserts and drinks too. There’s always a montage where she shows their canning machine it’s mesmerizing xD

prettiest dessert cafe vlog on earth | Cinematography, Zoe, Blessroll (this was the first video that I watched)

Art

15. AmandaRachLee

Bullet journal videos, daily vlogs, productive days, organizing, doodling videos. I started bullet journaling in July 2018 and I follow her themes even now. I think I might have skipped two or three themes because I didn’t like them but bullet journaling is a huge part of my routine and I don’t know what I did before that. Also it makes me feel better about my stationery addiction when I watch her videos. She’s worse than me so I feel good. I love her stationery hauls.

Korea Stationery Haul! (HUGE Giveaway!)

16. cup of jasmien

The one and only art student I am subscribed to. She is SO talented, her paintings are great, but I appreciate her pen and ink pieces the most. Her videos are usually paint with me’s, a week/day of art school or travel vlogs.

before art school went online haha…

17. milkcloud

milk and cloud are two sisters xD They have painting videos, vlogs, lots of unboxings. Very nice to play in the background while doing something. Also they play k-pop piano covers for their videos.

finding joy in little things / a vlog

Books

18. BookswithEmilyFox

I watched a lot of book youtubers and she is the most honest one out there. If she hates a book she will say h a t e not put it lightly by saying it was okay. I read some of the books she recommended and I actually loved them, so I put her here because I can trust her reviews.

JANUARY BOOK HAUL 2020 + HUGE BOOKOUTLET UNBOXING! || Books with Emily Fox

Random

19. Banana Milk

This is so random but has provided me with several hours (minutes) of entertainment. She makes NCT crack videos they’re brilliant I swear. Please wait for the end of the video for the outro it’s the best part. Linked my favourite video.

Literally just NCT ruining twilight for two minutes

20. Buzzfeed Unsolved Network

Do I even have to talk about them?? I can binge their videos for hours, especially the supernatural ones. They’re freaking scary but I will watch them all. They go to real haunted places with their cool equipment (and holy water). I’ll link two of the ones that creeped me out the most.

Return To The Horrifying Winchester Mansion

3 Horrifying Cases Of Ghosts And Demons

    my favourite youtube channels (20) This is such a random post, but I watch a lot of youtube and it's the best distraction/ way to pass time.

[wildlove836]

2017

wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally. 

but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.

I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know. 

He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.

I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more. 

I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.

I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.

I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.

I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.

I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.

I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.

I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.

im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.

i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.

we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.

then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.

I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.

I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.

you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.

and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?

everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.

he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.

feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.

half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know. 

there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.

regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.

now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.

WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.

but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.

but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.

god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize. 

old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?

nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.

he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.

I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth. 

naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.

needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure. 

I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking  sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault. 

I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him. 

I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love. 

and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.

its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.

how sobering is that shit.