#this was hard because there are books that probably belong here MORE but i havent read them in so long that i dont remember the author's

[grapecaseschoices]

top 5 books! ✨

I should have predicted that this would come and bite me in the ass.

1. i 2. do 3. not. 4. know. 5. goodbye.

This is difficult because I've got the mind of a fruit fly and I also don't have my laptop on me. But OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD (and subject to change in a month), in no particular order.

1. Styxx by Sherrilyn Kenyon: I used to read SK a lot. I used to follow her Dark Hunter series like wild. To the point that two books I own are part of her series because an old friend and one of my cousins knew how into it I was. It's funny because I don't like vampires. I've reread a number of her books. And arguably, there are probably characters I like more than Styxx / romances I enjoyed more than his.

However, Styxx is my baby? ROFL. I like the development of his character, I like how the series shows us scenes and other characters from his perspective. I like the (often unexpected) relationships he gains. And I'm such a sucker for his type of character finding love as well as acceptance. (Also brothers!! *sobs*)

2. Great Illustrated Fairy Tales - Adapted by Rochelle Larkin & Illustrated by Shelley Austin: I actually haven't read this in a long fucking time. But it used to be one of my FAVORITE books (along with a book of nursery rhymes/riddles as well as an illustrated children's bible) as a kid. Aka #formative (or more indulged an interest/obsession I already had werwqas).

3. A Prince on Paper by Alyssa Cole: I don't know if this is one of my top five favorite books, or it's just my fave book of an author I really enjoy. But they're my favorite couple of hers (outside of Shanti and Sanyu, who are ... ugh need to go reread their book. goodbye!). She hit a lot of beats that were different from the typical royal falls for the non-royal.

The hero is the heart of gold cliché~~ but a lot of that comes from the fact that he was a soft, emotional kid and is genuinely sensitive. He's learned to use that as a shield and a weapon. Our heroine is shy and clever who also has a huge heart (more apparent) and a spine of steel (less apparent ... at first). She really learns to voice herself after being under her father's thumb. Like all Alyssa Cole books she deals with beats you don't often see in romances (or I hadn't, but am realizing isn't so rare/seeing more of now). Like, you'll see things like loss and self-esteem growth in stories. But I like how she touches on things like the struggles/effects of emotional abuse, grief, how we can hurt the people we love even when we mean well, and how it's okay to cut off the people we love once we understand that they never truly meant well.

4. The Pursuit Of ... by Courtney Milan: I know. I know. Don't at me. This is a story about a black man and his white british love interest during the American Revolution. I know. I don't care. John and Henry make me so soft. They are soft together. I love them as characters. I enjoy their growth together. I love how they fall into each other. It hit my 'I don't force you to be better, you're better because I challenge you / because you want to be what I deserve'. And this does that.

I love how Henry makes John smile and inserts much needed whimsy, levity into his life. I love how John doesn't ever dismiss Henry. I love how they listen to and hear each other. I could go on. But. Then it would be longer than the book (hur hur hur).

5. Falling Up by Shel Silverstein: I really wanted to put a childhood fave here. I wobbled between Judy Blume and E.B. White and Little Women/Little Men. But falling up wins because it definitely helped cultivate my love of poetry, it was a favorite book I shared with my little brother (who isn't a big reader, but Shel's stuff was one who bonded over), and who just doesn't enjoy his shit? It has been so long since I've read this tho, so I'm definitely going to check it out of the library. (Thanks for the opportunity to walk down memory lane!).

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Ty lee (i feel like i havent seen many of you ty lee thots)

honestly love her!! tbh i don’t have many that others haven’t said more clearly and more interestingly

Why I like them

she’s a character with lots of hidden motives, depths, and complexity, who guards her true thoughts and opinions quite closely, but simultaneously *is* what she advertises herself as: a happy-go-lucky girl. like i don’t think her cheerfulness and her enthusiasm for auras and spirituality is entirely inauthentic - it’s just that she’s adept at using her own enthusiasm to mask her real feelings and thoughts. like there’s a lot to her there.

Why I don’t

i mean, she props up an imperialist coup of ba sing se by stealing the disguises of warriors who honour the avatar. objectively not good. 

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

oh, the beach, hands down. we finally get to see a glimpse of what troubles and upsets ty lee, and how she struggles. we also get to see her angry, instead of hiding negative emotions through evasion.

Favorite season/movie

book two. oh sure book three adds depth and complexity but we barely see her. book two just has so many good lines and moments - the clumps or tufts debate, the first time we see how devastating chi blocking is, the match against the kyoshi warriors (underrated), all the stuff with the drill... classic honestly.

Favorite line

okay if i’m honest “you’re not prettier than us!” at the kyoshi warriors cracks me up. i know it’s a line that is almost definitely written by misogynists who believe beauty/prettiness is central to girls/women and how they see themselves and how they should see themselves, but when you remove that context it’s just so jarring and it screams baby gay to me, or some kind of issues that need to be sorted out.

Favourite outfit

oh she looks great as a kyoshi warrior! love her there :)

OTP

okay i love mailee and tysuki equally for different reasons.

mailee i love because the whole concept of love being about communication and building your own language and finding ways to speak only to each other is key to it, especially given the toxic environment they are in s2-3 with azula, they’re incapable of being honest with words and have to communicate in other ways. but also i think there’s a lot of good angst potential. as well as hiding it from azula, they have so little time to themselves, and are so often surveilled, that it is difficult to ascertain each other’s feelings. they’re not sure of whether they can trust *each other*, and there’s a sense of them wanting to reach out and confirm but not being able to... this is complicated further by mai’s relationship to zuko, which does ty lee read as genuine or as one of azula’s manipulations? when mai betrays azula for zuko, does ty lee ever expect to be loved back? the idea of them together is super sweet like goth/pink gfs rights but there’s depth there... complexity

as for tysuki, it’s like... this is very much an *interpretation* of how it could go down, but i love the idea that ty lee is able to find a sense of home and belonging and identity and selfhood in the kyoshi warriors, to build roots, to not just find herself but build herself, despite her expectations that it’d last six months to a year. and i love the idea of suki having an equal, who can take her in a fight, who can help her shoulder the difficulty of teaching and organising but brings some levity and mischief and fun back, after it feels like the war has sapped it out of them with responsibility after responsibility. i think suki’s groundedness could be exactly what ty lee needs and i think suki could do with a partner who can pull her own weight but also, make her smile. i like the idea too of ty lee really finding a place to call her home after all of the mess in the fire nation between her family and azula, away from all of that... it’s a little idyllic, but it’s what she needs. 

Brotp

oh ty lee & zuko!! there’s potential here, for sure. like zuko would need to see ty lee as more than ‘azula’s friend’, but they’re both emotional people who are outspoken about how they feel - it’s just zuko’s earnest and honest and wears his heart on his sleeve, whereas ty lee uses her reputation of ‘wearing her heart on her sleeve’ to hide it, & similar to how i think zuko’s inability to lie/emotional honesty is a big comfort and help to mai, i think it would similarly help ty lee. i really love the idea of these two in particular being able to talk about being hurt by azula together and help each other heal. but also i just like the ‘unlikely friendship’ dynamic of these two, and the possibility of zuko being able to overlook ty lee’s reputation to get to know her for real. they’ve both been overlooked/undervalued in their respective families, and both left the fire nation because of it (albeit in very different circumstance), are both well travelled and very independent for their respective ages, there’s definitely ‘on the road’ stories they could share, and both have struggled to find themselves in different ways. there’s a lot of common threads.

also i think ty lee & aang would be wonderful as well :) i think a lot of aang’s initial gaang - zuko, katara, and sokka - would probably want to head home after their adventures in the war, and i imagine aang ends up finding new companions to travel with. i like the idea of ty lee, after the kyoshi warriors, being one of these.

Head Canon

she’s a lesbian! :^)

just based off ‘the beach’ episode mainly, and how reluctant she seems around boys in that.

Unpopular opinion

hmmm i don’t think i have any?

A wish

asides from being happy and contented in general? would love to see her join aang’s second group of companions. i think toph, ty lee, aang, & potentially two new characters would be a really fun (and chaotic) little crew :^). also would just love her to realise the brotp potential with aang and zuko as outlined above, and get to date a nice girl of some kind.

OH I would also love more family background on her & exploration of the possible air nomad heritage ty lee theory, i’d love to see some of that. would make aang’s relationship even more meaningful (but potentially, complicated! having heritage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re part of that group).

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

being azula’s designated healer and makes-her-redemption-arc happen. i already outlined today why that’d be bad for zuko and i think, while their relationship is different, it would be a negative experience for ty lee as well. azula is her peer, a peer who has hurt her quite deeply through the manipulation she pulled to get ty lee to give up her dreams and come along and uses manipulation as a primary way of interacting with people (even if like, i think they might have had a genuine friendship as kids, that poisons a relationship quickly), then tried to kill mai when turned against her... like, ty lee has good reasons to want to stay away from her, and honestly ty lee needs to heal as well, needs time and space. she should not be responsible for her well being full stop, but especially in this situation. i’m not ruling out the possibility of reconciliation but ty lee and azula would need to ‘hard reset’ their relationship and that would mean plenty of time apart, azula coming forward with apologies, azula making amends, and slowly, over time, building up trust. but honestly, even if azula is genuine in wanting to make amends, i’m not sure risking her wellbeing for that process would be best for ty lee anyway - i’ve personally cut people off in my life for my own wellbeing for less (although really what decision is best depends on your personality outlook how comfortable you feel your support network etc. a multitude of factors). regardless of your interpretation of their dynamic, ty lee does not exist for azula, and should not exist to further her character development but also as a character in her own right at this point.

5 words to best describe them

cheerful, chaotic, complex, perceptive, pink! 

My nickname for them

“prettier than you <3” (after the kyoshi warriors line, but with a pink heart emoji because of course she would, but also because it’s just funny, lol. ty lee has a mean streak)

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[ladybugsfanfics]

Worth The Wait | Tom Hiddleston x Indian!reader

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Indian!reader

Style: One Shot

WC: 2.6k

Warnings: uhh, curse words, i dont thinkt there is anything in this??

Summary:  @thelowkeydetective said: “Hey, I wanted to request a soulmate au (with Hiddleston) and take your time, no hurry:if you're on separate time zones, when you sleep, you see the world in the eyes of your soulmate at present and when they look into a reflective surface/mirror the image is blurred. Hope you got which one.  I'm sorry for bugging you again but maybe you could make that one shot I requested to be Tom Hiddleston x Indian reader( that way you can get the time difference too and I'm Indian). Thank you😄” - soulmate au post also, to help the story i added another of the aus  “Because the universe is sadistic af, it only gave you the first letter of your soulmate’s name.”

A/N: this was so much fun to write and I hope i did good. I havent specified that anything about the reader so you can imagine being anything only you live in Chennai, India (it works so well since Tom’s older sister lives there). Thank you so much for the request and so sorry it took so long ^_^ italics are the dream she has btw

if you want to be added to my taglist, please send an ask ^_^  | requests are open, too.

Drying your hands after washing your face, your thumb swipes over the tattoo on your left wrist. The T stares at you, has your heart fall a little as the rope that holds it in place slowly rips―how much is left of that rope, you’re not sure. 

The tattoo appeared when you were 18. All over the world, people wake up to a new tattoo on their 18th birthday, except, most people get the whole name (the first name), and you woke up to only a stupid letter. When you turned twenty, that’s when the probability of finding your soulmate comes. If soulmates are on different time zones, you see their daily life when you sleep. 

For most, this never happens and is only something people use to test that they’ve found the right person. Most of your friends have gone on trips just to make sure the person they met is actually the person they’re meant to be with. 

You’re not one of the lucky. You’re one of the unlucky who has had dreams of their soulmate’s lives since the day you turned twenty. It has been a quiet ride so far, seeing as it’s impossible for you to find out who he is―the dude travels so much you can’t pinpoint where in the world he is from.  A lot of the time, you see manuscripts though, late night readings―Shakespeare seems to be a favorite. 

It doesn’t help that your parents want you to get married, have children and have been talking about this forever. Since you were twenty-five (about eight years), they’ve been going on about forgetting your soulmate and finding someone eligible in India, in Chennai. But you can’t find anyone you get along with, and believe it, they’ve tried hard. 

The T prompts a deep sigh, knowing if you don’t meet him, you will end up spending the rest of your life alone. Through the years you’ve seen him, you’ve noticed things, picked up on habits he has. Also, from time to time, when you believe he dreams, you’ve left notes, tried to speak with him. 

And he replied.

Steadily, you’ve been having a conversation. You still don’t know his name, or where he is from, because you’re afraid to ask certain questions. The first question was a boring yet sweet, how are you? To which he replied, fine, and you?

It became more prying after a while, but it’s only been going on for a year and it isn’t always easy knowing if he’s gotten your messages or not. Though he seems to have figured out when his will reach you. 

With a harsh scrub at the T, which does nothing but redden your skin, you let go of the hand towel. One final look in the mirror. Tired eyes look back at you. You sigh once more and get out of the bathroom. In your bedroom, you get into bed and pull the blanket completely over your head, hoping slumber takes you easily and that maybe, just maybe, you get a new message. 

People are everywhere, filing to and fro in every direction. They lug suitcases after them. Children screams at their parents. The woman who accepts the passport smiles warmly, raven-black hair tied into a ponytail that waves as she moves her head. She hands the passport back, with a tucked in boarding pass and reaches to tie a piece of paper around the handle of the suitcase. Her mouth moves, showing of a set of white teeth. 

Moving, the gaze lands on the boarding pass. It covers the passport, hiding away any information on it. But the pass says it all. From Heathrow to Chennai International Airport. The passport closes shut and is filed into a pocket as the moving stops. 

The security check is lined with people. The long line goes easily forward, stopping only a few minutes every now and then. Long, slender fingers grabs a gray box and pulls out some belongings. A belt, phone and keys land in one corner. So does a wristwatch. A black backpack gets its own box. The line through isn’t long. Green tells to go through. The security people smile and nod, and gestures to keep going. 

Big hands grab the backpack and puts away the other belongings. People everywhere, walking past in a slow tempo. The big screen that tells the gates shows the gate for the flight to Chennai. Increased tempo. 

By the gate, there are few free seats. There is one by the corner. From the backpack, slender fingers drag out a book and a notebook.  A pen sits in the spine. Opening the notebook, pages file past with previous notes. Scrambling a date in uneligible handwriting, and then, in block letters, where are you from? The gaze lies there for a full minute, and the book closes, the pen reattached to the spine. And the other book opens, a bookmark placed at the back and a hand holding it by the spine as the other scrolls to the next page. 

---

Are you allowed to freak out? Are you allowed to keep going over the words you wrote, desperately hoping he saw them? Are you allowed to have your heart beat its way out of your rib cage because you know your soulmate is coming to Chennai?

You pace back and forth in your office, feeling the eyes of your office-roommate burn on you. He raises a brow as you stop, turn to face him and cross your arms over your chest. 

“What’s going on?” he asks. 

“Uhh,” you say, “it’s complicated.” You drag a hand through your hair. Again, again, again. It grows annoying and you tie it up in a bun with the hairbands on your wrist. 

Advik pushes himself from his desk, his chair rolling closer to you. He pulls on you to sit down in your own chair, and as you slump against it, he takes one of your hands in his. “You can tell me, I won’t…” He tries for a smile instead of finishing the sentence―nothing you find very comforting. 

“It’s my soulmate.” It sounds weird saying out loud. 

Your coworker cocks a brow. “Soulmate, huh?” His face gets a playful smirk and he turns your hand in his, but there is no tattoo on that one. Nor can you see the tattoo on your left wrist as you’ve perfected how to cover up the T. 

“Yeah, soulmate.” Something tugs at your stomach. Advik moves to check your other wrist. Deep brown eyes look up at you, a frown thrown across it, mixed with something akin to fondness. 

“You don’t have one, do you?” he asks, eyes glances down at your wrist again. His thumb strokes where the T hides underneath make-up. “That’s great news.”

Lips pressed together, and knowing people have been talking about you not having a soulmate for some time now, you don’t say anything. You let him stroke over your tattoo, even though he can’t see it. 

He pulls back his sleeves and shows his wrists to you. “See, no soulmate.” The lopsided grin that accompanies makes you feel guilty, a stab of pain in your stomach and the far away feeling of impending sweat. “Isn’t that great?”

You shake your head. “That’s not…” The words feel wrong. But how else do you say it? “That’s not true. I have a soulmate.” 

Advik frowns, his expression giving away what he says next, “but you have no tattoo?” 

“Wrong,” you say and find a wet wipe in your purse. You rub it against your wrist, taking the time to get everything off. As the T is visible, you show it to him. 

“Who is this  T, then?” he asks, but he doesn’t sound convinced.

You take a deep breath. “I don’t know. I know he’s an actor, and that he likes shakespeare. Uhh, he travels a lot and reads a lot. Probably from the west, I think because he’s usually awake when I go to sleep.”

“So, he’s in another time zone.” Advik shrugs, though a small smile plays on his lips, as if he’s happy with that. “Doesn’t that open up to, maybe, trying someone else?” 

“I dreamt it tonight.” You take a deep breath. “He’s here. In Chennai. I saw his boarding pass.” 

Advik raises a brow, his smile falling. “Well, then we’ll have to see if we can find him, right?”

“You’re gonna help me?”

He nods. “Totally. I might not have a soulmate, and have hoped you haven’t had one either, but you seem to want to find him. Why not help you?”

You shake your head, unsure what to think but your heart flips at the thought. A grin spreads across you face and the anticipation of finding him has your gut churn. Maybe things will go your way? 

---

The bookstore you’re in feels like a dead end, just as every other bookstore you’ve been to. It’s not like you know he’ll even stop by one, you just know he likes to read. 

Advik smiles tightly, his eyes glancing to the door every now and then as the bell above it rings. It signals new customers, but so far, you haven’t seen anyone that could be from the west. After all, you’re looking for what you believe to be a white male, and the people coming in... aren’t that. 

“I don’t think we’re gonna find him,” you say and slide down the wall you’re leaning against. “How are we supposed to know he’ll come here?”

“Because he likes to read,” says Advik, “and this is the biggest bookstore in Chennai.”

You roll your eyes. “What has that got to do with it? He probably won’t come here, he’ll go to one of the small ones that are way cozier.”

“Y/N, he speaks English, how many bookstores here sells English books?” 

“Uhh, all of them?”

Advik purses his lips, but glances at the door again. To your lovely surprise, someone white does come in. A woman with long blonde hair and a pretty face. Behind her, a white man―probably not who you’re looking for though―with more ginger hair. It curls at the ends, slicked back behind his ears and a little messy, but it goes great with the beard he’s sporting. 

“Can it be him?” Advik arches a brow and looks at you. 

You shake your head. “Probably not, he’s way too hot to be my soulmate.” 

Advik chuckles. “Nah, he’s definitely within your league. Maybe check somehow?” 

Answering that with a resounding ‘no’ doesn’t work because Advik grabs your wrist and drags you with him to a shelf near the two white people. You’re certain they’re a couple, as it seems unlikely to think anything else. Though they’re not as handsy at the couples you’ve seen on TV in most American shows. 

You act as if you’re browsing―which you end up doing―and glance at the male every now and then. The book you pull out has an interesting title, but other than that you don’t really read what it’s about. 

“Tom,” the woman says, voice low but not low enough for you not to hear it. “Do you really think this is the place?” Her accent is British, and how the male’s name starts with a T has you glance down at your wrist. 

Advik wiggles his brows your way, nodding a little in the direction of the male. It works, he mouths. You roll your eyes, but still glance the stranger’s way. If it is him, you have to admit that’s not something you’re opposed to. 

“What better place? A bookstore is the perfect―”

Whatever the end of the sentence is, you don’t get it as he speaks too low. His accent is British, which works well with the soothing deep tone of his voice, which again does have an effect on the feelings flowing through your veins.

You swallow the lump in your throat. The side-eyeing of him seems to go unnoticed, however, still scared of getting caught, you turn your caze back to Advik. 

But your coworker isn’t where he was moments before. No, he’s… your gaze lands on him a meter away. The man is stumbling onto the male―Tom―with a book. Wide-eyed you go to him and decide to help. Which doesn’t work and instead you eye a clumsy mess together with the woman Tom’s with. 

“Boys, huh?” she asks, rolling her eyes. 

You nod. “Yeah,” you say. “That was on purpose, too.” Immediately after saying the words, you want to hide. 

The woman smiles. “Oh, so a friend of yours then?”

“You can say that. Only I didn’t know he was going to do that.” You shake your head, eyes on the two men who both laugh awkwardly at each other. 

“No, why did he do it?”

“He believes the guy is my soulmate.” You’re surprised at how casual it comes out. 

Something lights up in the woman’s face. “Well, let’s find out then? I’m Sarah, by the way. His sister.” She holds out a hand, and you take it. 

“Y/N,” you reply. “But I don’t understand how we’re supposed to find out.”

Sarah shrugs and takes your left hand in hers. She twists it to see your wrist. The T isn’t covered up today, and you’re almost relieved it isn’t. “That’s something, right? You know, he only has the initial, too. Maybe he is your soulmate?”

You nod. The prospect of being so close to figuring it out is overwhelming. It tugs at your gut, in a good and bad way. What if it turns out to be nothing like you want? Or to be completely awful? Or what if it’s everything you want? What if it actually brightens your days? And it will stop the nagging from your parents... 

“Okay, how do we check?” you ask. 

Sarah smiles. “You have to talk, and touch. The touch is important.” 

“Have you met your soulmate?” you ask. 

“Yeah,” she says and her smile brightens, “it’s worth everything.”

You mirror her smile and let out a deep breath. “Then let’s try this.”

Sarah waves her brother over to you, who seems deep in conversation with Advik. The two men walk over, and the glance over Tom gives you stirs something in your stomach. You press your lips together, and swallow. Only your throat stays dry. 

God, is this really how I’m supposed to feel?

Sarah smiles. “Tom, this is Y/N.”

You extend a hand for him to shake, and he takes it in a firm grip that shoots electricity up your arm. She was right about the touch. But she hadn’t warned you about those ocean eyes that rip your soul out and tug at your heart. 

“Hi,” you say, voice soft. You bite down on your bottom lip, afraid you’re gonna let something slip. And remembering you’re still holding his hand, you let go. The absence feels wrong, and that alone seems like all the answers you need. 

He smiles at you. “Hi.” 

“It’s official,” says Advik, “you are most definitely soulmates.”

Sarah nods in agreement. 

You just shake your head with an embarrassed smile. “I guess? Wanna go on a date?” where did this confidence come from?

“I would love to.” Your heart flips, does that one-two beat. 

So long, the nagging and rumours had scared you. Now that you’ve met your soulmate, you know it was worth the wait.

permanent: @devilbat @adefectivedetective @gamillian

tom:  @inlovewith3 @bookgirlunicorn @mindlesschicca @justawriterinprogress @wolfsmom1 @loser-alert

bold in the taglist are people tumblr wont let me mention

[xxstyleart]

Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

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He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

[scarletrebel]

⭐star⭐ waffle at me about your favourite lines youve written

ohhh friend you have opened a pandoras box and i hope you are ready also thank you aha

so i started…….. picking some lines and made the Executive Decision to just do one fic because i was planning on doing a couple from a handful of fics but turns out im far too prone to waffling about this kind of stuff because i love picking things apart and figuring out why they work because i love fuckign words and the things they evoke and stuff so yeah this is just some fave lines from most recent fic, requital. 

this was part of a ‘directors cut’ writer thing and if anyone has any more prompts, feel more than free to send them my way! 

Requital, Chp. 1: 

His honesty, wrapped tightly underneath a chivalrous act; a throwaway comment to soften the exposure of such a question, draws her closer.

She kisses him, and hopes that even though the motion is countless in the amount of times they’ve come together, that the answer is plain enough. A claim, she hears her own words in her head, tasting the tobacco of his morning cigarette on her tongue, the warmth of the pull at his hands on her hips.

so whilst i cant say this section was directly inspired by the ecdysis book, what i can say is that there is definitely some influence going on here, in particular these two lines from the page ‘synesthesia’:

“Wu Ming is a bonfire in the darkness, and she crawls toward his warmth.”

“Wu Ming leaves his questions by the wayside as he is drawn inexorably into the gravity well of her desperate honesty.” 

and thats not something i realised until i was writing the final draft, and im pretty pleased with myself considering not only is requital going to examine some of the similarities between avia and drifter, but also the fact that ecdysis is probably my favourite book. i mean…… ‘drawn inexorably into the gravity well of her desperate honesty’ what the FUCK KIND OF LINE its gorgeous i cant deal with it or this book or this page or how desperately gorgeous the tragedy of drifter and orins relationship is 

also…… look. im a hopeless romantic. always have been, probs always will be, so when i say avia and rook are soulmates i mean it in the cheesiest way possible. right before this is rook feeling a bit self-conscious about the whole awoken engaging thing, and theres no way avia can actually put into words how irrevocably in love she is with rook. so she kisses him, and hopes beyond hope that she can put those feelings into motions if not words. i also enjoy the small bit of possessiveness that came out of her too, because the whole ‘claim’ thing with the awoken was there since the first draft but this section came in the final edit, she thinks of it so casually but when she goes on to say that she’d actually duel anyone who came between them i…….. would not put it past her to be 100% down to do that. 

rook isnt a bonfire in the darkness, he’s an anchor in the deep, a solid tether when the sea becomes a storm. 

(ayyy where the FUCK WAS THAT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS) 

Requital Chp. 2:

Here’s the thing, if you’ve gone through the trouble of decrypting this (a fortified certain-eyes-only encryption that took me a couple of hundred years to perfect, thank you very much), it at least means you’re interested, so hear me out.

i like this line a lot, for a few reasons. drifter knows avia well enough at this point to be well acquainted with her temper and lack of time for dealing with his nonsense. it’s the first flick of the coin between the two of them, drifter laying the proverbial gauntlet down and at the end of the day, its up to her whether or not she picks it up. 

and she does, avia asks levi to decrypt it, and the first thing she sees is drifter acknowledging that shes done so and asking her to at least hear him out. he’s kind of caught her out, and she can respect that even if thats not at the forefront of her mind. avia also has her own brand of curiosity when it comes to people like the drifter, so this is kind of the first inkling of that. and it also (i hope) makes you wonder if drifter is aware of that curiosity that she has, if he sent the message decrypted on purpose to get her interested. 

She smiles at the note, throws her legs over the bed and stretches around a yawn. Five minutes later, Levi puts her in her armour.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stick around?” The Ghost asks. “We don’t have anything urgent to do. There’s breakfast here.”

Avia hums, considering. She moves into the kitchen, glances over the fridge, the cupboards. She looks then onto the sofa, the sprawled pillows, untidy blankets. Suddenly the armour on her body feels heavy, out of place, like the metal has no right being somewhere like this.

“No. I’m not hungry, let’s go.”

“Okay,” Levi says in that tone of voice that lets her know they aren’t buying it. “Should we walk, or transmat?”

Avia notices the balcony door is still open. She walks over and closes it, the streets barely alive as one or two civilians walk to and fro, glancing idly at each other as they pass. “Transmat.”

avia immediately makes an comment about being all domestic with rook in chapter 1. its just not something that suits her in her own mind, and that line (even though i havent waffled about it bc dear god theres too much here already) was something i immediately knew i wanted if i was going to write a day of domestic bliss with her and her fiance, because i knew it’d be a hard thing for her to just get on with like a normal person aha. 

so, we get this part in chapter 2. the domestic bliss is over, and what avia knows best, what shes always known best, is a set of armour and getting back to work. however this part of herself contradicts that which she’s experienced for the past day, and especially the line ‘Suddenly the armour on her body feels heavy, out of place, like the metal has no right being somewhere like this.’ i put in to really reinforce that idea. its not the metal that feels out of place in this scene, its the person in the metal. and her eagerness to transmat straight to the tower rather than walk through the peaceful city streets shows her tendency to run from such thoughts.

this part came really naturally, actually. its a small snapshot into a bigger struggle avia has with herself (especially given the dreaming city, the reef, petra and now potentially going back to the worst part of the shore with drifter) of where she belongs, and more importantly, if she deserves to belong. which is why levi talks to her in that tone because they know what shes doing, theyve seen it so many times before – avia in a scenario that resembles something normal and running from it with no one around to stop her, because in her subconscious she doesnt believe she deserves it. 

“Ada-1, I believe, has fully settled into the Tower. She becomes more and more tolerable of the Guardians by the day. And with the discovery of Niobe labs, her mood has been favourable.”

i had no idea how fun scarlet was to write until i got to this part. she almost has her own language, really. writing ‘im really proud of ada because i spent all morning with her and she was only snippy with like two guardians and shes been really uplifted and im really happy for her since they found niobe labs’ in scarlets own ‘okay but heres the relevant information’ way of explaining things is a challenge but FUN. like, really fun?? 

because scarlet wouldnt be mentioning adas mood if she didnt care, ya know? and its not that she cant say that longer thing about being proud and stuff, its just that she doesnt see the sense in it and its not important information. like, if avia and eden were to spend a dedicated amount of time whittling her down she would absolutely say ‘i am so proud of ada and also i wanna smooch her face how do i do that as an exo’ but its just not a thing for her. but part of the reason why ada and scarlet being together was an idea that i had was because i imagine that line of thinking probably suits ada. 

“It was at Ada’s request. I had more knowledge of the area in its current state, and felt more comfortable talking to Ikora and her Hidden agents than Ada did…”

supportive exo girlfriends. that is all. man ive gotta write more about these two

“Hmm,” Ada wears a concerned stare masked behind a formal rigidity that Avia knows her Warlock teammate best for.

if im being honest, i just really enjoy this line. i imagine its hard for exos to show concern, esp a character like ada and my girl scarlet, so avia has spent a lot of time dissecting certain facial cues and yeah im proud of how this description came out aha

…as if she hadn’t spent the past few months clipping sidelong comments and threatening him when his Gambit veered out of the realm of her control.

avia is a control freak. plain and simple, and i wanted to make that as obvious as possible considering this sentence is only a few away from avia choosing to go and talk to drifter. 

there’s a certain amount of ‘i need to understand this thing that i have limited knowledge on so i can predict/control/plan for it in the future’ in how avia views drifter in general, its a kind-of warlock way of thinking about things but the big difference is avias need for control in these situations is a) selfish and b) only applies to things that she knows she has a good chance of understanding/taming. shes not going around learning about the hive because she has a good understanding that thats a cosmic threat that can only be defended against until it comes. drifter on the other hand is on her doorstep.

i also really loved the contradiction in putting ‘gambit’ and ‘control’ next to each other in a sentence, i kinda hoped it showed how conflicted avia is about going and talking to drifter, and maybe even how naive it is of her to think that it could turn out okay. 

She was incensed, maybe, at the way he spoke to Ada, needed to go and stomp the idea out of his head but he got her talking, like he does

i like this line bc its avia acknowledging that she knows how shes viewed. she knows everyone sees her as a hot-head, she knows her anger veers away from her sometimes and whilst she’s gotten better at getting a handle on it, it’s still an aspect of her that people who dont know her well enough find it hard to get past. 

i also enjoy how new people to this fic/avia in general might not know that this is a big part of her? so she’s trying to use it as an excuse, ‘well no one can blame me if i say i got really mad because thats what i do’ and it (hopefully) tells new people about that aspect of her character without having to show the worst part of it, the convo with ada being an introduction to it i guess – especially since the past few scenes have seen her a lot softer than im used to writing aha. 

“Dammit,” she mutters under her breath. And walks towards the Drifter before she can make a better decision

fun fact – this line was originally ‘and walks down the corridor before she can make a better decision.’ 

i changed it because i wanted to make it more obvious that avia is making a conscious decision to choose drifter, that she’s walking towards a path that she knows is not a good idea. it provides foreshadowing for the allegiance quest and referring to him as ‘The Drifter’ cements it as an idea that she’s walking towards and not necessarily a person. 

[iceamericanoventi]

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face. 

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

 “Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” 

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.  

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

[melonmork]

this is home

in which yukhei works at his parent’s bakery in the town where you spend your summer~ 💕💫💛💖

~the best part of spending the summer in your parent’s home town is the accessibility of everything due to walking and biking trails that connect almost every neighborhood, store, and of course the downtown area

~you’d been spending summers here for a long time, longer than you can remember

~you love taking walks in the warm summer air, watching the birds flying in flocks over head, smelling the breeze that carries the perfume of flowers in bloom, and listening to children’s laughter like a song in the afternoon daze

~and now, this summer seems auspicious already; you arrive at your grandparents’ home just as the setting sun paints the sky brilliant shades of golden yellow and deep orange, and you fall asleep soon thereafter thinking about where you will venture to tomorrow

~mornings here are your favorite, because nearly every morning, like this one, you wake up to a simple melody sung by a bird right near your open window, and the sunlight in your eyes welcomes you back

~this year more than ever before, you feel a sense of home, and the thought lingers through breakfast and even as you say farewell to your family and set out to see what’s new in town

~yes, you think, i’ll go into town today and see what all is there, see if there’s anything new

~you walk leisurely through the paths, sometimes through woody areas teeming with wildflowers, squirrels, and butterflies, and sometimes through a quaint neighborhood with bikes strewn haphazardly on driveways, or an old man reading a book on his porch, enjoying the fresh morning air just like you

~after a relaxing half hour walk, you arrive in the downtown area, welcomed by the familiar scents of street food and the sound of soft, upbeat jazz tunes coming from shops surrounding the blocks

~the thought and feeling of home reoccurs to you instantaneously, and your heart feels a bit giddy at the sentiment. even though you don’t really live here for most of the year, you certainly feel a sense of belonging, and you can’t help but smile at the familiarity of everything in front of you

~you make your way comfortably through the area, recognizing each store and almost every street vendor, save for a few

~the smells tempt you every time you get a whiff of them; you ate a rather big breakfast, but that was nearly an hour ago now, and besides… how does that saying go? oh yeah! “when in rome…”

~so you continue down the street, turning here and there and making your way to your favorite cafe in the area, eager to taste that amazing lemon poppy seed muffin again

~but while you’re on your way, you have to do a double take, because something’s different…

~to your surprise, a local bakery had taken place of the small pottery shop you used to look through often

~your heart falls at first, upset to see that the pottery shop is no longer there, but your stomach wins over your heart after you get a whiff of the pastries and breads inside the new bakery

~you hesitate for a moment, not completely willing to give up on your quest for that divine lemon poppy seed muffin, but you figure it will be there later, and it’s always good to try something new, so you enter into the bakery

~and good lord does it smell heavenly in there

~and it’s not only the smell, but the ambiance of the bakery that enchants you

~the walls are a light yellow, the color of honeysuckles, and small vases with pink roses complemented by baby’s breath grace each little cafe table

~small speakers on the ceiling play soft accoustic tunes accompanied by charming lyrics

~the glass door and the multiple windows let in a cozy amount of sunlight, completing the comfortable atmosphere, and you decide that you aren’t upset anymore at the disappearance of the pottery shop

~nor are a lot of people in the area, either, apparent by the considerable line of people waiting to order a fresh pastry, or maybe a latte

~so you make your way to the end of the line and admire the decorations, the cute light bulbs hanging from the ceiling joining with the sunlight to illuminate everything in the cafe warmly and softly

~framed paintings of fruit bowls, loaves of bread, and people picnicking hang on the honeysuckle walls, and you look at each painting as you wait in line, slowly moving forward

~you’re close to the counter when you find yourself standing in front of a large wicker board covered in photographs which, as you inspect them, seem to be all of the same family

~in most of the photographs, the family is in a small kitchen, kneading dough or stirring something in a bowl or peering into a retro-looking oven

~there are a few photos of the same young boy, who in some photos wears a cheesy grin that lights up his whole face, and in others feeds his mother some sort of baked treat of his own childish creation, opening his own mouth as he feeds the treat to his mother, who looks at him fondly

~the odd photo out is the one of that same boy wearing a high school uniform, holding a diploma and standing in between his parents, wearing that same bright smile but looking much more handsome, and naturally so; in the photo, he is tall and seems mature, and you think he must be around your age in the picture

~you gather that this family of three-the mother, the father, and the son-is the family that opened this bakery here

~the line moves forward, and so must you, so you reluctantly remove your gaze from the photos and shuffle forward until you’re standing in front of the display of pastries, cakes, and sandwiches, all of which make your tummy growl on sight

~it’s so hard to decide because everything looks so absolutely delicious, and your heart (and tummy) is torn between the chocolate croissant and cinnamon bagel

~which you unfortunately do not have the time to choose between before it’s your turn to order at the register

~the same woman from the photos you were looking at earlier stands behind the register, wearing the same pretty smile as in the photos, her face a little more lined than back then but no less beautiful, and you can’t help but smile back at her motherly appearance

~“what can i get for you, darling?” she asks kindly, her smile genuine and inviting

~“well…” you start, but then stop, because you still havent decided between the croissant and the bagel and you’re really too torn between the two to make a decision on the spot

~someone behind you clears their throat in an attempt to express their impatience, and you pick up on the hint and try to hurry yourself

~suddenly, the son from the photos appears behind the mother and leans his hip against the counter and says, “if it’s pastries you’re interested in, i recommend the chocolate croissant! it’s not too heavy and it’s got just the right amount of chocolate. plus, i made them this morning, so they’re especially good today!” he gives you a big smile, the same one as in the photos, and then pushes back from the counter and busies himself again near the coffee grinding machines

~that’s pretty much an inarguable omen, you decide, so you tell the nice lady that you’ll have a chocolate croissant and a chai latte and then make your way to one of the two person tables near the windows with your order number

~as you sit there enjoying the sunlight, you think about the son, who you suppose you were right about regarding age.. he looks to be fairly young, maybe just barely an adult

~what shocked you, though, was the depth of his voice… somehow, it differed so starkly from the brightness of his smile, and you couldn’t help but think of it as attractive

~as you wait, your mind wanders to other topics, like the swimming lake not too far from your grandparents’ house, and the mangos you plan to buy tomorrow morning at the local produce market near the residential area of town

~your mango daydreams are interrupted by the smiley boy, who surprises you as he places your mug and croissant gingerly in front of you

~and he surprises you further by sitting down across from you and starting a conversation

~“are you new in town? i havent seen you come in the bakery before” his question is amiable and he raises his eyebrows innocently, and you cant help but notice how absolutely brown his eyes are…. they’re lovely

~“oh! not really, i spend every summer here with my grandparents, and i got here just yesterday!” you respond, giving him a smile and stirring your latte as a means to busy yourself

~“ahhh, cool! well, i hope to see you in here a lot this summer! my name is yukhei, by the way. enjoy your croissant!” he smiles warmly at you and then pushes in his chair and leaves, returning your goodbye wave before going back to the counter

~and throughout the rest of the morning, even while you eat your delicious croissant, you can’t rid yourself of the soft smile and the flush that lingers on your face and in your heart, all just because the smiley boy, yukhei, took a little time to meet you

~he probably introduces himself to all the new customers who dine in, you think, and the thought finally removes the blush and soft smile at his actions

~two mornings later you return to the bakery, this time for bread as well as breakfast

~you come a lot earlier than your first visit, so only a few other people are in the cafe, and there’s no one in line

~so you walk up to the register and order two loaves of bread and a muffin from yukhei’s mother, then sit down with your number at the same table and you doze off as you look at the flowers in the vase, still sleepy from having not rested well the previous night

~you snap out of your doze at the sound of a plate being set down in front of you, and your tired eyes look up to see yukhei, his face sleepy like your own, too

~he’s smiling sheepishly at you and he apologizes for waking you up and you tell him it’s okay, dont worry!! but he still apologizes again

~and this time he asks, “is it okay if i sit here for a minute?”, motioning toward the chair across from you

~“of course!” so he seats himself and leans his elbows on the table and rests his chin in his palms

~“i felt bad that i never asked your name,” he begins, “so im glad you came back in… i thought i might not see you again…” he hesitates saying the last part, smiling shyly and slowly moving one hand to rest behind his neck

~you tell him your name and smile shyly too

~“wow! pretty name!” he gives you a big smile, the one from two days ago and the one from the photos, and it makes your heart skip a little beat, because u are quite sure you’ve never seen a smile so pure and radiant on a boy so tall and alluring

~“thank you, yukhei,” and he smiles and leans his chin back into the palm of his hand, and there’s a moment of comfortable silence where the pale early morning sunlight shines on his fluffy hair, his pretty big nose, his shapely lips and his cute eye bags, and you take all of his beauty in

~“there aren’t a lot of young people here,” yukhei says, “so i was so excited when i saw you… no offense to the older people” he laughs and runs a hand through his hair, making it even fluffier and messier, and you laugh with him

~“yeah, most of the people our age have moved out of town, huh?”

~you and yukhei spend fifteen or so minutes talking about the town and what you like about it, getting excited when the other person mentions a place you’re both familiar with

~his mom eventually calls him back to the register once more customers start filing in, and he lingers a moment, still laughing at something you said, before getting up and pushing his chair in… but he hesitates there for a moment, and then says, “i’ll see you tomorrow morning?” with a cute, hopeful expression, and of course you can’t say no to yukhei’s big brown eyes, so you laugh and tell him that you’ll see him tomorrow morning

~and you do see him the next morning

~and the morning after that

~and for the next month, you go to the bakery to see him at least five mornings a week, spending fifteen (or thirty, if his mom is feeling extra sweet) minutes with him talking about your lives, about your own home towns, about the swimming lake

~yukhei tells you about how much he loves baking, how it’s so fun to knead dough and the outcome is so rewarding, how icing cakes is meticulous and exciting as well as frustrating, how baking muffins and cookies is easy and fun

~one morning about a month after you two became friends, yukhei perks up from where he was taking a little nap on the table and practically yells “I FORGOT TO BAKE THE PUMPKIN MUFFINS!!” and you’re like dude????? what should you do? and hes like come on, come help me bake them quickly so my parents dont get mad

~he quickly gets up from the table and grabs your hand in his own, leading you quickly behind the counter and back into the kitchen

~he grabs two aprons from a coat rack on the wall and hands you one, then puts on and ties his own in a few seconds while you’re still standing there confused

~“are you sure it’s okay for me to be back here?” you ask, a bit apprehensive even if yukhei is the son of the owners

~“eyyy, of course. want me to tie that for you?” he gestures toward your apron, and you stutter out a “sure” and hand him the apron

~he was in such a rush a second ago when he tied his own, but this time he’s meticulous, standing close to you and draping the apron carefully over your head, then gently placing his hands on your shoulders to turn you around

~his long fingers quickly tie a bow with the apron strings behind your back, and he mumbles a soft apology when his fingers graze against your back

~the intimate moment is over as soon as it started as yukhei quickly guides you over to a metal countertop and asks you to grab a bowl and a whisk while he prepares the ingredients

~yukhei works surprisingly silently, adeptly and precisely measuring each ingredient and asking you to pour them into the bowl in a specific order as he mixes

~in not ten minutes, you and yukhei finish the prep and put the muffin pan in the oven, then let out a simultaneous sigh and lean back against the counter

~and then you hear yukhei let out a low chuckle

~you look over to find him smiling at you, shaking his head slightly and still chuckling

~“what??” you ask through your own giggling… you can’t help it, his smile and his laughter are just so contagious

~“you’ve got flour all over your apron, and some even in your hair! how did you manage that~” he teases, with nothing but kindness and laughter in his tone, and you look down at yourself and laugh too, because u really did manage to get flour all over yourself

~“here, hold still.” yukhei leans the arm closest to you on the area of the counter directly behind you, then leans in and narrows his eyes, looking at your hair

~you’ve tried so hard not to develop a crush on him throughout the past month because you’ll have to go away in two months anyway and you don’t want to deal with the heartache

~but he makes it so hard even when he’s just sitting across from you talking about how he stubbed his toe on a desk chair right after he woke up that morning, so how, in moments like this one, are you supposed to not fall … hard… for him?

~honestly

~he focuses on gently brushing the flour out of your hair, and while doing so he absentmindedly chews on his bottom lip

~your attention, naturally, is drawn there, and you wonder what his lips taste like

~pumpkin muffins? sugar? coffee? chocolate croissant? cocoa, or maybe even fruit? maybe they taste like those mangoes from the street vendor right outside…

~your attention is drawn away from the taste of his lips (to your dismay) as he leans back and inspects your hair from a further distance away, no longer chewing on his bottom lip (which is now pinker than before, and it makes ur heart beat faster)

~“okayyyyy much better” he says, making finger guns and shooting them at you (complete with “pew pew” sound effects bc this is yukhei)

~you laugh at his silliness and try to laugh off the racing of your heart too, which doesnt work as well as you had hoped

~especially since yukhei, with your permission, is untying your apron and removing it from around your neck, this time not mumbling an apology when his fingers graze your back and the nape of your neck

~yukhei turns to you after hanging up the aprons and thinks for a second before speaking

~“i have tomorrow off” he says, and you nod, listening

~“would you… er, could we hang out?” his hand goes to rub the back of his neck and you internally thank the heavens for it because his arm always looks so good from your angle

~“sure! i was planning on getting some mangoes tomorrow morning from the vendor just outside. should we meet there at the normal time?” you ask, surprised by your own confidence and simultaneously excited at the opportunity to spend a whole day with yukhei

~“yeah! yes! yeah man let’s do it!” his eyes light up and he holds his hands up for you to high five them, and when you do, he briefly tangles his fingers with your own and holds your hands in the air

~and for a moment you’re just holding hands with him and both of you are laughing 

~he holds eye contact with you as you let your hands drop and he’s still got his cute grin on his face and his hair is messy and floofy and your tummy is doing somersaults 

~that confidence you had just a minute ago??? she is Gone and now you’re standing there kind of nervously, looking a little too often at your fidgeting hands between stealing glaces at yukhei’s pretty features

~you don’t know what else to do or say and yukhei is literally just standing there smiling at you and he’s so close and you feel like something is going to happen and you’re not sure if you’re ready for that so you quickly say that you should get going

~he opens his mouth in an O and after a moment he’s like “oh, yeah, okay” and he becomes a bit awkward too and after a second of standing there quietly, he opens his arms for a hug and smiles shyly at you

~so of course you oblige, wrapping your arms around his surprisingly strong waist and his big hands rest gently on your back

~then you pull away and say goodbye and he walks you out of the kitchen and waves at you as you leave the bakery, still waving even when you’ve turned around and left

~and then he remembers the muffins

~the timer goes off just as you leave the bakery, and he doesn’t hesitate a second, sprinting into the kitchen to take the muffins out of the oven, fumbling to get a muffin out of the pan without burning himself, and snagging a paper bag as he sprints out of the bakery to catch up to you

~you’re just taking your time walking through the street on your way back home when you hear someone yelling your name and all of the people around you turn their heads too, wondering what all this commotion is

~you stop walking and look around, startled until you see yukhei running toward you, his hair going every which way in the breeze and he’s weaving through everyone quickly

~when he comes to a clumsy stop in front of you, he’s panting and he has to lean down and rest his hands on his knees for a second before standing back up and huffing “you forgot… a muffin!” then he smiles and laughs loudly and hands you a paper bag, crumpled from where he was holding it

~you laugh from shock, still startled but so fond as you look at him, panting, his whole face lit up by his unabashed smile

~then, just as quickly as he came, he waves goodbye (after wiggling his eyebrows at you lol) and starts jogging back to the bakery

~”gotta go, my dad’s going to be pissed!” he yells as he weaves through the crowd again

~and you’re left standing there, still taken aback, shaking your head and laughing at the boy who ran after you and ditched his job just to give you a muffin

~it makes you feel special… which yukhei hopes it did!! because you are special to him!!

~and his tummy is fluttering just as much as yours as he runs back to the bakery, sort of proud of himself because he saw the blush in your cheeks and your ears and he saw the way you smiled at him and thinking about it boosts his confidence

~his mood is fantastic for the rest of the day, even after his dad threw a dirty dish rag at him and ruffled his hair for running off

~”yeesh, the things young boys do when they’re in love,” his dad says as he walks out of the kitchen, shaking his head

~in love? yukhei considers those two words all day, finding that they feel and sound write in a sentence with his name and yours, and it makes him grin like a goober at random moments during the day

~you are also grinning randomly all day because u cant stop thinking about his hands holding your back and how nice it would be to run ur fingers through his floofy hair

~and you even think about stealing little kisses, sitting next to him in the grass under the shade of a tree, the wind playing with ur hair and his fingers playing with yours

~that night neither of you sleep very well, and yukhei sets out early to be at the mango vendor because he has too much energy and was getting impatient waiting at home

~on his way into town he picks a bunch of wildflowers, orange and pink and yellow and white, to give to you 

~he ends up helping the nice old man who runs the mango stand set up his display and cart and helps him run the stand while he waits for you to arrive

~the old man thinks yukhei is just the greatest young man in town and he gives him a bunch of free mangoes 

~so when you arrive a little bit earlier than the agreed time, yukhei quickly bids the nice old man goodbye and walks up to you

~ur cute boy is grinning ear to ear, in one hand holding a bunch of wildflowers that, while still lovely, are beginning to droop, and in another hand he’s got five mangoes 

~”hi!” he says, and he tries to wave, but the mangoes just fall out of his hand, and he hangs his head and laughs and you help him pick up the mangoes, taking a few so he doesn’t have to carry them all

~”hey, yukhei,” you respond, smiling back at him and giggling at how excited he seems

~”these are for you!” he hands you the flowers and u laugh again and thank him, telling him that they’re beautiful

~”just like you~” he says, and then he looks down at his feet before looking at you again, embarrassed by his own flirting, but proud of himself because of it too

~you thank him shyly and then you two are on your way, walking down the street, making light conversation about the summer, about the morning songbirds, about all of the street vendors; you laugh at his silly jokes and exclamations and he listens eagerly to your stories about here and about home, laughing at your jokes, too, even when they’re kind of lame :’-)

~eventually you find a bench in a park and you sit next to him, pulling out a bagel sandwich that you cut in half for you two to eat for breakfast, and you eat together, content to just be there in each other’s presence, even when the conversation lulls

~the day is so beautiful: a few fast moving white clouds grace the blue sky, songbirds speak with each other pleasantly from the trees all around, and the soft breeze moves through the park, dancing with the flowers and the grass and the trees, cooling you down and bringing you the subtle scent of the summer morning

~you mention it to yukhei, and he nods in agreement, admiring the lovely morning in the park, pointing out pretty views and cute dogs passing by

~and then he turns to you and looks at you with the same admiration, as if he’s beholding the loveliest sight he’s ever laid his eyes upon

~in fact, that’s exactly the thought going through his head

~and he’s also thinking that he has to tell you today because he doesn’t want to waste any more of the summer without you knowing how he feels

~he stands up, holds a hand out to you, smiles, and tells you to come with him, so you take his hand tentatively and follow his lead

~he walks you across the park, not saying anything, but as he walks he intertwines his fingers in yours and holds your hand tightly, as if he might lose you in a moment

~finally you reach the edge of the park where the grass meets the swimming lake you often visit, but he continues walking, entering a slightly wooded area, making sure you don’t trip on roots or stumps

~when you ask him where you’re going, he just smiles softly and says “you’ll see”

~eventually you reach a small clearing at the edge of the woods; the sun shines onto the little patch of forest, wildflowers like the ones you’re holding surrounding the grassy clearing

~it sits right on the edge of the lake, and your breath hitches in your throat because it’s so beautiful

~yukhei lets go of your hand and walks into the clearing, then turns to face you, smiling, pleased by your reaction

~finally, you manage to say that it’s beautiful, and yukhei nods and takes a deep breath and then rubs the back of his neck

~”i’ve wanted to bring you here for a while now,” he says, and he faces the lake now, watching the dazzling sunlight reflect on the water. “i’m glad you like it.” his voice sounds a little more serious than usual, and you’re a little worried because his smile has faded and he’s watching the water so intently

~you decide not to question him though; you walk over and stand by him and look out at the water too, recognizing points of reference from a different vantage point now

~you’re still admiring the view when he turns to you and abruptly says “i like you. a lot” and then he sighs again and looks back out at the water

~for some reason he thinks you’ll tell him that it won’t work, that you can’t be with him because you live somewhere else, that you aren’t into him like that, so he feels sad and a bit deflated

~until you say “i like you a lot too” 

~he’s like “okay, i understand.” cause he wasnt expecting you to say that to him so upfront

~and then a second later his face lights up and he turns to you, his playful, excited grin returning to his face, and he says “wait, seriously??! oh my god! wow!” hes laughing that cute laugh of his and he opens his arms again for a hug, this time not gentle at all as he holds you tightly against his chest and happily sways back and forth, still laughing, burying his uncontrollable smile in your hair

~you’re laughing with him, also hiding your smile against his neck

~he smells like cinnamon and sugar and clean laundry and… home

~home, you find yourself thinking again, this is what home feels like.

~after the bear hug, yukhei takes a mango from his pocket (yes he was keeping mangoes in his pockets) and he also takes a little pocket knife from his pocket and adeptly cuts up a mango, giving you one half to eat, and when you finish eating your half, he gives you the stone to eat the fruit off of too

~yukhei when he gives you the stone: “im only giving this to you because you’re so special to me~”

~you: “oh hush,,” but you’re blushing and u have to look the other way because you don’t want him to see how big you’re smiling

~your attempt is futile though, because he definitely notices and it makes him smile even bigger 

~after you two finish the mango, yukhei lays back in the grass and puts his arms behind his head and you watch him, openly admiring his arms and chest and his profile, and when he sees you looking at him he smiles and makes a silly face to make you laugh

~a few minutes pass, you sitting beside him, propped up by your arms with your legs out in front of you, both of you just enjoying the peaceful and beautiful day

~then yukhei sits up beside you, his shoulder nudging against yours, and he leans his face teasingly close to yours at the very moment you look over at him

~he smiles cheekily and watches your cute shocked face for a minute, shamelessly letting his gaze linger on your lips

~but then he leans back again and you look back out to the water in another futile attempt to hide your smile

~”can i lay my head in your lap?” he asks suddenly

~he really just wants to be close to you all the time and he’s trying so hard not to come off too strong right after he confessed to you

~you smile at him and nod and you think about your daydreams from just yesterday… the ones about his hair… about his lips

~he situates himself so that the back of his head lays on your thighs and he’s looking up at you and you get so shy when he says “you’re beautiful”

~again you try to hide your face, this time holding your hands in front of yourself and smiling widely from embarrassment, butterflies playing around in your tummy

~yukhei’s hands come up to yours and he gently pulls them away from your face, resting one of your hands on his chest and holding it in his own and leading your other hand to his hair

~he closes his eyes, smiling softly as you run your hands through his hair

~it’s even softer and fluffier than you imagined and your heart soars when you see how happy he looks, laying in your lap while you play with his hair and massage his scalp

~you two sit like that for a while, unhurried, enjoying the intimacy with each other which you’ve both been thinking about before falling asleep for the past couple weeks

~and then yukhei slowly sits up and sits criss cross beside you and asks you to face him, so you do, sitting criss cross too

~his expression is still so peaceful and content, his pretty lips curved in a small smile and his big, sleepy eyes fondly looking into your own

~again, his gaze falls to your lips, and he watches them for a moment 

~and then he brings a hand up to your jaw, gently cupping your face, his thumb rubbing your cheek slowly and softly

~”can i kiss you?” he asks, his deep voice quiet and each word deliberate, and you can’t even get any words out to respond, you just nod and try not to breathe too fast

~he leans in now, and you watch breathlessly as his lips part every so slowly and then in a moment you’ve closed your eyes and his lips are on yours

~and it’s so so much better than you imagined

~his lips are soft and he tastes like mango and the moment his lips touched yours he let out a low hum that made your whole body flush from head to toe

~the kiss is relaxed and sweet, your lips moving slowly in tandem; it doesn’t last very long, but it’s perfect, and he lets out a little sigh when he pulls away and it makes you feel like you must be in heaven... you must have just kissed an angel

~his thought process is exactly the same 

~he leans his forehead against yours and whispers “i’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” and you laugh and say “me too”

~in your head, that same thought repeats over and over again

~this is home, you think as you press another chaste kiss against his lips, this really is home.

i hope you enjoyed this! it's quite long, im sorry, ahhhh! shoutout to my gorl ira for coming up with this concept with me!!! 💐☕️💫🌳🌊🍰 

[iwishnomore]

Empty Hands

Getting through hell

1: meeting by chance

In which Seras has taken a lot of damage after fighting witches by herself. She is on a mission of her own, trying to hinder the coven that she abandoned years ago from gaining a powerful artifact in hell. Doubting herself and her resolve to put her life on the line for her goal, she tries to recover and hide her wounds when she encounters the brothers. The chance encounter and the fact that D+V are looking for a way out of hell, spur her into lying and making a deal with them to get them out of hell in exchange for their help. Seras is really digging this guy with the slicked back hair, but that is only for her right now. There are more pressing matters to attend to- Seras observes the moon in hells skies. Waning already.

2: Ungrateful wench

After clueing the brothers in on at least a part of what is going on, the group encounters their first enemy, a witch that stands between them and a tunnel they need to get through. Being too weak to fight, Seras has to stand back and watch the men fight. Dante is the one fighting this witch. First hints on the book and Seras relation to the coven and it’s master are dropped. First banter between V+S

(add chapter or add content- after dante leaves.)

3: starting to work together, killing a big one

Getting through the tunnels, they soon realize that they are being followed. What seems to be a small fry, turns out to be a controlled demon, fighting against it’s will. An earthbound witch has infected the demon after it had entered a contract with it. While still not too much of a fight, the guys need to work together a tiny bit. Seras rids the demon of the witch’s core that it carried, but it is promptly stolen by the witch it belonged to. Dante persues the enemy and leaves V+S to themselves. He will catch up to them later. With the witch gone, the tunnels are soon behind them- Seras is pleased with this. Her eyes again, searching for the moon high above them.

(add chapter-what CAN you do) (add chapter- door mechanism)

4:tattered books on broken shelves

More banter. Playful from Sera’s side. Vergil has to hide a smile or two~ He is not exactly made of stone, you know. They move forward and reach the ruins of an old library. All the texts in the books and scrolls are writting in ancient demonic languages. Frustration on S’s part as she realizes that even if she was holding the book in her hands she wouldn’t know, as she can’t read the words. Their half assed search for the book (vergil is barely taking part as he is more amused by her than he dares to admit, also, he is not taking the witches seriously, so far. they are only human after all) is cut short when another witch makes an appearance. this one, accompanied by a strong demon she contracted with. she claims to already have the book and drops more info about what the coven wants with it. Seras is enraged and uses up what energy she still has left to do some damage but ends up almost killed as her powers forsake her. Vergil finishes the fight and finds the sought after book while Seras is unconscious. He picks up his witch and leaves the now burning library.

5: flashback to the coven

Memories of Seras’ time as a member of the coven. Getting found by mother, learning to control her core, finding out about mother’s past. Leaving (to save herself.)

(doesn’t need to be a chapter)

6:you are made of moonlight 

Seras wakes up but is barely able to move. It is night and while she was out, Vergil has brought them to a safer place. A quiet lakeside that seems eerily uncharacteristic for hell, she notices (but whatever i just want to write it like that ahahah). waking up a little more she notices Vergils coat on her. Well worn and with tattered edges if you are up close. That’s that for the coat but what about the man usually wearing it? Speaking of which, the one wearing it is washing up at the lake and we get some peeping action on shirtless vergil. yay. He notices her being awake as he comes back and we get some playful banter- now from both sides. Maybe her outburst in the last chapter has earned her some points?She asks if the witch really had a book with her; Vergil lies and says that nothing was dropped.Anyways, she explains that she wont be able to move further for a long time unless she gets some demonic energy for her core. He is sceptic at first but relents and offers his own. After a last few seconds of gazing up at the moon Seras falls asleep at his shoulder.Vergil reads in the book, secretly. some fluff- too bad seras wont know. you are getting soft Vergil, must be because you are getting old, my dude.

7: secrets written in ennoch

We get to know a little bit about the contents of the book. Part of the origin story of witches. :U cool. Hints about the true nature of the ‘first contract’ and who it was made between. Kinda a flashback of people we dont know. but it’s cool- this is what Vergil has been reading i guess.

8: breakthrough, the rewards for your feelings

Someone completely ruins the mood just when Seras wakes up and finds herself in a good spot (damn). With her energy fully recharged and her owunds finally closed, Seras wants to kick ass but of course things go different than she imagined. (does anything ever go her way?) Vergil is blocking her from the fight at every corner- damn you, tough guy. (exchange enemy with demon type- someone Vergil knows from his time in hell when he served Mundus) Bickering ensues, use of SDT due to irrational anger, genuinely trying to keep Seras save although she could probably fight- maybe also trying to keep her out of it bc it’s HIS problem- not hers.  He wins the fight but Seras is pissed and they argue. BONDING MOMENT???

8a: DEFINITELY A NEW CHAPTER HERE

A witch appears :D Wow, so innovative. this time Seras participates and things seem to go smoothly until the witch bamboozles them hard.  Seras ends up trapped because of something. Funnily enough, this enemy is not easy to kill. Fast and with amazing regenerative abilities that even put sparda blood to shame. Vergil struggles, no matter what weapons he decides to use against this witch. Seras is helplessly watching from afar :/ Finally, as all seems to be in vain, Yamato appears. With this, the witch is killed in seconds. Vergil wins, they are safe from the witch and the sword that can open portals is back. Which also means....there is no need for Vergil to help Seras anymore...or is there? Uneasy feelings.

9: The things we don’t dare say out loud.

Some backtracking through the past chapters, with vergil’s POV in focus.  The way he came to look at Seras has changed throughout the story for reasons we could guess- and some reasons we couldnt guess.  It’s true that with his Yamato back in his hands, there is no need to kill the witches of the coven anymore in order to get out of hell.  Still, Vergil chooses to stay at Seras’ side.  With some words that are so desperately needed to be said left unspoken, Seras and Vergil continue their way. The moon sickle is already dangerously thin. (needs more bonding stuff)

10: welcome back, dante

Dante comes back! YAY! This man is so confused when he realizes that the other two have become much more friendly with each other than before. The reunion is cut short by another witch. And this one isnt nice at all. For her fallen sisters, this one has gathered all the demons that have been freed of their contracts and formed an amalgamation of death and decay. Aiming straight for Seras, she is seriously out for blood. The group fights together to get rid of this last witch. Knowing that this was the last one of the witches that entered hell, that their plans have most likely been shattered successfully,  and that ‘Mother’ had pulled the strings from the safety of the covens base, our trio finally leaves hell....only to be greeted by.... 

11: Inivitation to your funeral

Seras’ actions in hell havent gone unnoticed. This witch is in for some trouble. Slyly, she is greeted with smiles and hugs in front of the pesky half demon brothers. Come back home, girl, Mother isn’t mad at all...This is her funeral she is getting invited to. the lie is obvious to seras. Yet still, how could she refuse, and pull the guys through even more of her problems. She agrees to follow ‘her sisters’ but not before taking one last thing she needs from the man that has helped her so much and who she has grown so fond of in such a short time. Just once. For luck (if only luck could really help her now). She steals a quick kiss from his lips that surprises not just everyone around her, but also herself. Yeah, if it wasnt her death day, she would have loved to find out if the feeling was shared. (Dante: Hey, where’s my kiss? I helped too!!) This ends her deal with the brothers. Seras leaves with the witches.  At the base of the coven, mother greets her with bittersweet contempt. The gall to stand before mother with a smile on her face. Seras reveals the reason she ran from the coven. Mother is hundreds of years old, keeping her youthful appearance with not illusion magic but by raising promising witches and stealing their bodies once she is satisfied they have a powerful enough core. Her technique is lacking though, and finding a host body that wont reject her has become harder and harder with each change she underwent. The book the witches were send to seek in hell has important information on the original witches, their powerful contracts and the origin of their powers. Mother needs it to save herself from falling apart. Nevertheless, the book is in hell, or lost in the fire, the portal closed and mother’s plans in shambles.  Bound and with the blade on her neck, Seras is ready to die, satisfied with knowing that mother’s life will end soon as well. Only, the execution is halted when... 

12: Betrayal

Vergil appears. (how the fuck did he even find this place??) Seras is alive. for now. (and secretly extremely happy to see Vergil there, bc oh wow he kinda came to save her, right?). The joy is shortlived though, when Vergil instead of just starting to fight, engages in buisness talk with mother. the book she has been looking for---he has it. and he wants to strike a deal. mother is quick to try and lure him in with promises of power. He wants to take the conversation elsewhere. And for that, ‘this’ needs to be finished. He stabs Seras with Yamato. Wow, much heartbreak. Mother is satisfied with this, seeing that Seras is bleeding out on the ground. The witches take their leave and Vergil joins them. Might change this and instead have ‘mother’ take Seras unconcious body to try and use it for herself, can add nice sappy scenes with Vergil longingly looking at her sleeping form if I do that :DDD[Dante appears, too late, and yet just in time to save Seras from certain death. He takes her to Devil May Cry. (maybe this is a good time to show some more characters. Morrison for intel, Trish for some demonic stuff- i love lady but i dont know how and if to fit her in here)].

13: I long for her. 

Vergil’s POV: about the book, his deal with ‘Mother’. We realize that he is in fact not after more power- but just here to get rid of the witches once and for all. (this has to do with stuff the witches have said to and about Seras, and what he heard before he interrupted Seras’ execution.) Is this man actually doing something for someone else?!?! wow. Seems he likes that Witch he met in hell a tiny bit. <3But even if he gets rid of the witches, after what he did to save her- how would she trust him again? Poor Vergil~ Subject to change[Meanwhile Seras is restless, Dante and Trish want to leave to kick some Witch and Vergil ass but she is still too injured to be of help. Still, she hides the pain and joins them. She could ask Trish or dante for help and some demonic energy that would heal her up more quickly....but she doesnt feel right about that.  Vergil stabbed her, betrayed her and joined the one she hates the most...yet she can still feel some of his energy lingering within her and taking someone elses would erase that...and, for some reason....well fuck it, it’s bc she has fallen madly in love, would hurt more than the slowly healing stab wound. Dante seems to know something about the whole thing...he tries to comfort Seras, but can’t find the right words to explain his hunch about something to her. Either way, the new moon is approaching, and the witches must be stopped.]

14: The Contract

Mother cant read the demonic texts. With Vergil’s help the ritual for the contract is prepared. this one will grant mother powers beyond a witches imagination. And what’s more, she can bind a son of sparda to her. A desirable feat. He seems cold for now, but surely he would warm up to her in due time~New moon. The thin ring of light that is still visible only emphasizes the emptiness within it. Either way, Vergil has made his decision. A favor he won’t expect anything in return for. If Seras lives, that is enough. Dante would have saved her. Dante, ofc. The thought brought a smile to his face. No matter...the ritual is about to start.

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode #11 “Revenge? is a dish best served cold” -Ali

-all i have to say. all i have to say. is revenge? is a dish best served cold. that whole vote was a nightmare. but i've promised to be nicer in my confessionals/host chat so i'm gonna keep it nice. chips is completely a liar, like he just played into the bodhi plan for no reason and its so annoying! he thinks he is playing the middle with tact, but he is just playing it really like... wobbly. jess? never dissed. was honest with me, tried to keep me calm. I STAN JESS. i think she will probably win the season and i'm? here for it. i also love gavin and i feel so bad that he burned his idol for no reason. i feel like none of me/cindi/ruthie is making it to the end, so i hope to be able to vote for gavin or jess. collin is a sweetheart, definitely the best player on his side. i also love rachael now that is also a sweetheart. timmy i do not vibe with, am never hear for men calling women bitches. as men we can and should do better than gross crap like that. birch is lovely, they never seem to know whats up in this game JKFDAS but they are a sweetheart never the less!. anyway so i gave ruthie the idol? because i stick with my allies. and if people are calling us a trio, why not keep cindi as the big threat and ruthie as the disconnected 'easier vote', keeps me cushioned comfortably in the middle mhmm. it was definitely risky but also having two idols was making me feel literally SICK. so agenda moving forwards? work down from that. i also have a jury of men who are likely to dislike me so what can you do about THAT, i'm here to have fun and pull off some cracked shenanigans and i sure did just do that. would LOVE to continue voting off men next round, chips or timmy suits me fine idc which one. my agenda this season is to make sure one of gavin/jess/ruthie/cindi wins the season JNKFDAS screw the rest. they can all GO. but once again bodhi... this is what happens when you tussle with me. in the words of that one game of thrones character (i havent seen the show)... tell bodhi.. i want him to know it was me.

-two final thoughts: - trent has pointed out that this is the third vote out in a row where i said twenty-four hours before tribal 'i want it to be' and then said who left. that streak will DEFINITELY end tho JNKDAFS - i feel like idoling bodhi while unambitious, was good for my game. he has the capacity to come after me lategame, he was connected to people i wasnt, breaks up that voting block of 4 while keeping in collin/rachael who trust me more. im... at peace.

-https://youtu.be/Yy5THF05qjg (from the day after Bodhi left)

-hello okay so today has been... so illuminating? main points are that i do not trust jess, and do trust collin and rachael again? also chips is full of LIES. and as i took a 10min break from writing this i started second guessing myself again, maybe collin is lying. honestly everyone on this tribe is confusing. i've been defending this trio narrative all day but people maybe dont even care. also i feel bad for bodhi that is a king even tho he is so shady all the time as a player NJDFKLAS. cant wait to join him in jury.

-okay so i am once again frustrated. ruthie, gavin and cindi never dissed. rachael and collin are also all good, but the rest whewie. first up jess. jess is my friend and this is by no means a reflection of her as a person, but as a player oh my GOD she is so frustrating. she just has no like... conviction as a player? like jess what do you stand for in this game, what are you as a player. i said in my host chat but talking to her is like trying to staple jelly to a wall, as a player she just... is so. so hollow? idk i just wanna see her have conviction and to see her fight for something . chips is also frustrating as a player he just sits and has an agenda of 'splitting up groups', but all that happens is he gets picked up by a group to target another group, what has he... actually done? he is #2 on my angry list, and top spot is taken by... timmy. timmy i am talking to for the first time in a few days today and its incredibly frustrating. he is sending me this wall of excuses and i? do not want to hear it. i should not have to explain to a grown man that calling a woman a bitch, and he can say he 'snapped and crossed the line' and that it was out of character all he wants but i- do not want to hear it. timmy can be mad all he wants after he gets blindsided and say the entire tribe talks down to him, but then when he leaks cindi's ENTIRE PLAN, cindi isnt allowed to be mad at him? and cindi also kept it as GAME. this is what is so frustrating to me, i've had videos made about how annoying i am in games, i've had people say all sorts of gross personal stuff about me and so i dont wanna hear it. i've had people call my game the worst they have EVER see and i just sat there and took. i. do. not. want. to. hear. it. this game has reminded me of three things, how much i love ruthie (my undisputed closest ally at this point), how much i love olivia and lukas and how much i hate men.

WELL, WELL, WELL... another round of complete and utter RADIO SILENCE. with allegiances to almost everyone left in the game aside from chips, bodhi, and collin, this round was destined to be extremely hard to navigate. there was a lot of talk about breaking up the "trio" of ali, cindi, and ruthie. while i can recognize the danger of keeping a trio in, it is also an enormous target ahead of myself and my duo with jess. an alliance was formed between myself, jess, timmy, and rachael, and we essentially wanted to vote with timmy and rachael to avoid them feeling discluded from the vote and having no trust with us. despite the silence, ruthie's name began to rise above, which as much as i love ruthie, i wanted to be able to appease to timmy and rachael while still being in a "middle position" where i could play both sides that are starting to form. however, during the final fifteen minutes of the vote, CHAOS broke free. bodhi's name started get pushed by ruthie and ali, and as much as i loved that idea, the numbers were not there. so, i encouraged ruthie to play an idol on herself if she had one because otherwise she was leaving, so either way, i would not be at fault for her getting votes. however, bodhi began to try to push a back-up plan to get votes on me instead of him... and when ruthie played her idol, i couldn't risk it knowing how few votes it would take to control the outcome of the vote. so, i wasted my idol. HOWEVER, this seemed to work out well for me, because people seem to trust me a lot more and were very sympathetic towards me wasting it... so i am going to ride on that sympathy for the next few rounds.

So class, today we're going to talk about the difference between a villain and a bitch. I think the class is confused about the distinction. A villain plays the game for themselves. They do not take their alliances seriously or they use them to steam roll. I have been guilty of both of these within this game. I am a villain in this game. You can call me that and I will give you game-related sass back because that is what villains do. Call out my game. It has been chaotic and has a lot of flaws. It's ugly. It hurts people who thought they were close to me (almost everyone thought they were close to me at merge so someone's gettin hurt). A bitch is a personal insult. To call someone that implies that they have explicitly hurt you personally within this game. I would consider a bitch to be someone who, I don't know, attacks someone's personality because they didn't align with them in-game. I'm done with Timmy. He can continue pulling his "No one talks to me" card all he wants, it's a game move that I will never respect, especially when people did talk to you about the Keegan vote. And to be clear, people did talk to both Timmy and Rachael about the Keegan vote. They can claim no one talked to them but the idea was floated by them and they shut it down and Keegan found out about it shortly after. So someone leaked it to him. So when we're looking to get him out last minute I'm sorry that you are not on my list of who to call to vote him out. I've been a shit ally to both Rachael and Timmy and I legitimately was going to try to make that better. Now I think I'm just gonna keep voting Timmy till he's gone and if Rachael stays I'll switch to her. I probably won't actually do that, but I'm over it. I will not vote with Timmy, if I learn he's in on a plan I'm throwing my damn vote somewhere else. 

-SO... ALI SENT ME HIS IDOL and I used it and I didn't go home!  It sucks that I got so many votes and it looked like the one that blabbed was Chips which is disappointing but oh well. I can't believe at one time I trusted him more than Cindi and Ali.  I'm so glad I told her about the counting to get an advantage and not Chips because I really thought about it but Cindi was the last person I had PM'd and had kept  me in the loop so I told her.   Also we made another alliance with the three of us annnnd Gavin and Jess who were both down but as soon as I made it, neither one of them talked? Like...  I know everyone has a life but I expect people to be around when I make an alliance chat!! :k So... we will see what happens with that, the three of us may be screwed after all, lol. 

-I really hope that Cindi is going to stay... time will tell what will happen and who people can kind of trust. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcNPArwK8PM&feature=youtu.be

hello I am drinking at a wedding and hope I don’t get voted out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

This vote and this round are sad and ugly because it became personal. I still really don't know what to do but am sticking with the first person who talked to me today. Hoping that once either of the two is out of the game that this can turn back into being a game.

After the confrontation with Cindi last round, I knew this round was going to be tricky. In the challenge, we all had two secret books we had to figure out who's books belonged to who. I was able to somehow get everyones except for Ruthie and Cindi. Cindi lied about her books to someone else and they told me the lie (not knowing it was a lie) so the 4 points I missed were both of their books. After the vote, Cindi posted in the main chat that it had to be her or I who went home this round, which tore a lot of people up because they are friends with both of us and do not want to choose sides. I do not believe that Cindi posted that for people to choose sides, but more for her mental health. Sadly, to find that closure it does involve people choosing sides. So far, everyone besides Ali and Ruthie have told me in a way they are saving me, but this is survivor anything can happen. I am on my guard, but we will see when the vote comes down today. If I survive, this could become a large turning point for my game.

an exhausted gavin has made an appearance to his confessional... my main goal was to win immunity after misplaying my idol last round. can we talk about how embarrassing that is? luckily, i think i am positioned well enough where i am no one's first target, and if i am, not enough people would turn against me. i have been trying to play the middle, and this vote between cindi and timmy has definitely put that position into jeopardy. i just need to do my best to remain close to ali and ruthie, and then from there i can focus on taking out people like collin who is in a similar position as i am trying to play the middle. unfortunately, this vote is breaking my heart, but i don't want a trio to dominate the game as much as i love cindi. so, at this point, i am voting for her... but i am not opposed to her staying.

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Click HERE to watch the Round 11 Cast Assessment 

[lollipopprincess]

Quiz thing

1. Have you met your soul mate? Nah I don’t think so. If I have, I surely don’t know about it lol. 

2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now? When I was younger, it was yellow. Now its pink=)

3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color? I only wore eyeshadow once and it was for a mermaid Halloween costume. It was blue and green=) 

4. Are you in love right now? Nah.

5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real? Uhhh, I don’t know, it might be. I’ve never had that happen before, i’ve always fallen in love with people overtime. 

6. Are you an optimist, realist, opportunist, or pessimist? Mix of optimist and pessimist lol. I’d like to be an optimist though lol. 

7. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

8). Do you own stickers and/or stationary? I have both, but dont really use either thing anymore. 

9. What’s your aesthetic? Long flowy dress, red lipstick, snow, roses, floral scents, castles. 

10. Do you wear dresses, and skirts? Both, I dont tend to wear pants ever. Sometimes I will to bed if its a really cold night, but I tend to run pretty hot constantly. I think dresses and skirts look nicer too. 

11. What is your hair like? Chocolate brown, curly, reaches a little below my shoulders, is usually wild and frizzy lol. 

12. Does time go by fast or slow to you? Depends on the day. If I have nothing going on (which I often dont have stuff going on), it goes pretty slow. If i’m hanging out with someone or doing something enjoyable, it goes lightning fast. 

13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up? I go to bed around 2:30, wake up around noon if I do not have to be up before then. If its school, i’m usually up around 11:30. 

14. Favorite sweet food? Warm chocolate chip cookies. I cannot pass those up! 

15. Tea, coffee, or hot cocoa? Tea, never been big on hot chocolate and H.A.T.E coffee.

16. Space, Ocean, City, or Forest? Ugh the last 3.....Forest I guess. 

17. Favorite game as a child? Uh...Candyland I guess. 

18. Comfort book? The Perks of Being A Wallflower

19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn? Princess always<3

20. Do you fall in love easily? Not really

21. Favorite word? Enchanting

22. What does your room look like? Uh, its big lol, bigger than my past bedrooms but its because it used to be the master. Its pink, I have 2 beds because the guest bed is in here too. Window overlooks the street and our front yard. Have a tv across from my bed...lots of Disney stuff everywhere lol.

23. What sheets are on your bed? Ariel ones right now. 

24. Do you wear fake nails, or paint your nails? I paint my nails, but its been kind of a while. When I do paint them, they are usually red or pink. 

25. What Hogwarts house do you think you belong in? I feel like im either Hufflepuff or Slytherin. Every quiz thing I do says i’m in Hufflepuff though lol. 

26. Any pets? 1 dog and 3 cats. 

27. What did you last eat? Mexican food

28. Have you ever cried in a book or movie? Movie yes, a few times. The one that comes to mind though is “Marley and Me”. UGH that death scene for the dog. 

29. When and who was your first crush? My first real deal crush, his name was Tre and we were in 4th-5th grade. We went to different schools for 2 years, then in 8th grade, he came to my school and I liked him all over again. 

30. Marriage or kids? Both=)

31. Are you superstitious? Yeah, sorta. There’s some movies I haven’t watched because I worry something bad might happen if I do watch them, like the Exorcist. I’ve always wanted to see it, but something about it doesnt feel right. 

32. Who’s your 3 am thought? I don’t know, probably something random like “do dogs have a sense of time?” lol=) 

33. Do you like candy? What’s your favorite candy? Eh, I dont like a lot of candy. I think my favorite is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or Kit Kat. Oh no! Mini M&MS! 

34. Favorite holiday? Christmas=)

35. Favorite season? Winter

36. Cat or dog person? Dog, but I DO like cats. 

37. Are you quiet or loud? In between. I can be kinda loud with people im comfortable with and I can hardly say anything with people I don’t know very well. 

38. Favorite time period? (80′s, 60′s, etc.). Hmm that one is really hard..I’m interested in different time periods but I don’t necessarily think they were good times to be alive lol. Maybe the 90s I guess, just because I was a kid then and things were decent lol=) 

39. Favorite fashion fad that went away? I really liked my jelly shoes when I was a kid, but I DO get why they kinda went away. They hurt like hell to wear after a while because there was no support AND you could get really bad sunburned feet. 

40. The best dream/ worst nightmare you’ve ever had? I don’t know, best dream was probably involving crushes I had lol. Worst dream was either one where my mom died or when my best friend died=( I rarely have good dreams so its hard to remember those more specifically. 

41. Worst fear as a kid? Losing my mom. 

44. Do you flirt? Ha, not really lol. Not bold enough for that=) 

45. What’s your style? Whimsical or 50s/60sish dresses. Lots of Disney and hairbows/flower clip things. 

46. Do you still go to school? Yeah, i’m a junior in college. 

47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel? Thats a really wierd question lol. I tend to feel a LOT of stuff, even what other people are feeling. My mom and other people in my life have told me that they feel like I pick up on what other people are feeling around me too so if one or 2 people are sad that are near me, I get sad too or if they are angry, same thing happens. 

48. Are you a crier? Do you smile? Both lol. 

49. First love? See question 29

50. Last love? I dont know...Prob Michael Jackson lol. I havent liked someone in person for a long time.

[viralhottopics]

The Art Of Loving Yourself

Buddha

Why is it that we can fall head over heels in love with a perfect stranger, in a heartbeat, yet when it comes to loving ourselves, we can endlessly struggle?

Self-love is something I personally battled with for the majority of my teens, and early twenties. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldnt help but compare myself to all the girls I encountered daily, and believed were prettier, smarter, and more popular than me. I often wished I could wake up as somebody else. else.

And it breaks my heart that I just wrote that. I wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone.

Today, youll be met with a bubbly, positive, and confident young woman. But the journey to get to where I find myself now has not been an easy one. I didnt wake up one day, and miraculously feel like an unstoppable Goddess. It took of changing bad habits, practising new ones, confronting my fears, and learning to believe in myself no matter what.

I want you to know that if I can learn to love myself, I believe with all my heart that you can too.

And you

Realise that you are enough

The trouble is that youre so used to being , that you cant see yourself the way that the rest of the world sees you. You are lovely, and you are kind. You are smart, you are funny, you are brave, and you are brilliant. You are magic, and you are raw beauty.

Wherever you may be as you read this, I want you to know that you are Contrary to what the world and your inner demons might have you believe, you are so much more than enough.

Forgive yourself & others

We all make mistakes, so quit being so hard on yourself. Mistakes are a valuable way to learn and grow so please, make plenty.

We are all simply human beings navigating this crazy thing called life.

Learn to forgive others who have hurt you and caused you pain. When you forgive, you allow your heart to let go of the pain that you are carrying around with you – and it does not belong there. Make room for more love.

Do what makes your heart happy

We only get one shot at living our lives. One chance, one opportunity to make a difference, chase our dreams, and write an incredible legacy.

Ten years from now, you wont look back and be happy that you stayed in your unfulfilling 9-5, that you said no to exploring the world, or that you didnt at least try and turn your dreams into a reality. Ten years from now, youll wish you started living the life youve always imagined

Understand that nobody is perfect

Everyone has their own battles, their own struggles, and their own demons that they are waking up to each day, and fighting. On the surface, you might think that somebody has the perfect life success, money, and love but the truth is, you dont know them. You dont know the journey they have been on to get where they are now, and you dont know what they might be facing right now.

Nobody is perfect, and the perfect life does not exist. The day you realise this, is the day you will stop punishing yourself for not living up to impossible ideas of perfection.

Stop looking for love externally

Dont look for love in a friend, or a partner, before you have learned to love yourself. Because nobody is meant to complete you. You are meant to be whole on your own.

If youre not quite there yet, dont worry. It will take months, maybe even years of changing your current beliefs.

If ever you are in need of love, look within you. Everything you could ever need has been waiting patiently in your heart all along.

Tell yourself youre beautiful

Wherever you might be right now find a mirror, in your handbag, on your wall, or even on your phone. Study the person staring back at you. Think of everything youve been through that has led you to this moment. Think of all your accomplishments, your successes, and your fondest memories. Think about everything youve faced, and overcome. Think about all of the things that you like about yourself. All of the qualities that make you so incredibly special.

Wherever you might be right now, I want you to look in to the nearest mirror, and say, Say it more than once, say it over and over, shout it, sing it, embody it.

Practise gratitude

Do you have any idea how amazing it is right now that you are ? That you are able to be here reading this? Probably not, because the real chances of you being here are so incredibly minute, we cannot begin to fathom it.

You might be having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad But life is merely how you decide to look at it. Choose to practise gratitude. Be thankful for all of the wonderful things you have, instead of wasting time thinking about what you dont.

Find your tribe

Dont worry if you havent found them yet, I promise you that your tribe is out there. Stop spending time with people who arent making you truly happy, merely to make up the numbers.

Spend time with positive people. People who challenge and inspire you to be better each day. People who will always tell you the truth, even when its hard. People who are kind and selfless. People who will lift you

When you surround yourself with kind and loving spirits, those thoughts, feelings, and energy will transfer to you.

Stop being so hard on yourself

Youre doing better than you think you are. I promise you that.

If you want to do and be better, great. Start now. But dont beat yourself up for what you yet managed to achieve. Focus on everything that you have done well. Everything that makes you proud to be .

Take yourself on a date

So what if you dont have a romantic partner right now? So what if you do? There is no better way to show yourself some much needed attention and love, than to plan and take yourself out on a solo date. Enjoy a fabulous candle-lit dinner alone, with a good book, or simply your thoughts. Pack a picnic full of your favourite eats and treats, and savour it in a pretty park. Go and see that movie that nobody wants to see, and love every moment of it.

Dont be afraid of your own company. Spending quality time with yourself is the best way to begin and strengthen your self-love journey.

Reflect

Even if you dont love writing spend regular time journaling and daydreaming. Reflect on your days, what went well, and what you want to improve on. You will begin to notice patterns in the way you think and behave. Once you know what these patterns are, you will be able to understand more about the person you are, and why you are that way.

If self-love is something you struggle with, this will pinpoint why and where you are struggling, so you can begin to overcome this.

Honour & cherish who you are

Eleanor Roosevelt

Dont try and change the real you, in order to fit into other peoples skewed views of what is normal, acceptable, or beautiful. You are you, and you are beautiful. Never let the world dull your sparkle. Your soul will shine brightest in its natural form.

You do you. Forget everyone else. The sooner you realise that you are here on earth do something utterly unique, the sooner you will learn to celebrate your differences.

Read more: http://tcat.tc/2kK3Z5G

from The Art Of Loving Yourself