#this was for his birthday which is tmrw. but yknow

[ozzingtonavenue]

skate fast kick ass💥

[borom1r]

lawrence asks,,, hm. if you have any thoughts on it, I wld like to hear the most vulnerable lawrence has been w adam post-bathroom? we've both talked abt it b4, & since he tends to fall into the habit or bottling his emotions up/struggles to bring up smth that's bothering him, how wld such an event occur? idk I'm just very weak for soft hurt/comfort,, other than that tho! what are some of your favourite parallels he has, regardless if they're based in canon or not? (I hope you have a better day tmrw also,,)

ooghdhfh,,,, hmmmm

I think. nd I know I just extremely briefly touched on it but I think it comes after Daniel is recovered. in a world where the traps play out relatively the same, yknow? bc I think there’s a whole… like if Lawrence had just had the, idk, divine fucking foresight and used his one bullet to shoot John then hey, another kid wouldn’t have been fucking tortured + lost his father. but instead Lawrence put a hole through the shoulder of the man he loves.

obviously I think hearing news about traps in general is hard for both of them, but I think hearing about Daniel specifically would send Lawrence down SUCH a spiral. bc he is a father and Diana was tortured by Jigsaw too but not nearly to such extremes and at least Diana still has both her parents. and I think it would be very hard for Lawrence to ignore that voice in the back of his head going “if you’d just been smarter, none of this ever would’ve happened. that boy wouldn’t be traumatized, his father wouldn’t be missing, and Adam wouldn’t be nearly as hurt. it’s all your fault.”

which of course it isn’t. But Lawrence is very good at 1) bottling up his emotions, and 2) spiraling. bc I think he’s the kind of person to debate himself and when his mind only wants to make him feel worse, Well. i don’t think this necessarily ends in an explosion, more likely Adam comes home, mentions off-hand that “that Matthews kid is being released from the hospital, thank god.” — and ofc he knows Lawrence has been distant and moody but they both get that way having to listen to reports and speculation on Jigsaw like he’s some kind of fucking celebrity. so I do think it’s kind of a surprise when Lawrence just. looks up at Adam and tries to smile and can’t get any words out. because what can he say? (what excuse could he possibly give when, certainly, Adam is thinking the exact same thoughts he is?)

except, y’know, Adam isn’t thinking those thoughts, and it takes some coaxing to get Lawrence to admit what’s got him shaking so bad. they wind up on the kitchen floor cause there’s just no way they’re making it to the couch and when Lawrence can finally breathe again, after listening to Adam quietly assure him he could Never blame Lawrence for what happened— Adam’s fingers stroking up and down his spine, his own clutching the fabric of Adam’s shirt tight, Adam just, completely seriously: “if I ever see him I will kill Jigsaw for what he did to you.”

and Lawrence can only nod, because what can he say to that? Especially when he’s not at the stage where he sees himself worthy of compassion all the time, let alone anger. The idea that someone loves him enough to fight for him is. Mmnfh.

(Adam follows it up with “seriously, I don’t care if I’m just identifying a body, I’ll bring him back to life and fucking kill him again!” which gets a laugh like he’d hoped it would. “You’d find a way.” Lawrence smooths out Adam’s shirt, finally cracking a smile as Adam nods: “Fuck yea I’d find a way. For you.”)

+ oofhdjfidjjfhs obviously I love all the religious parallels he has… it’s not rlly a PARALLEL per se but as we’ve discussed i heavily associate him w sheep! 🐏 bc he is Soft n Huggable Like Sheep :’3

I also associate him w Lavender. ummnn and bc im thinking abt it!! when I was assigning birth flowers for William’s tattoos, I gave Lawrence 6/26 as his birthday! which makes his flower Honeysuckle (devotion, pure happiness) but also makes him a Cancer sun! his birthday is also a feast day for St. Norbert of Xanten, who is a patron saint against birth complications + for peace. His birth cards are Temperance + The Hierophant, which share a passionate nature, concern for purity of intention + faith in perfectability. Both are impatient with wrong-doing + lack of effort. They can be both trusted leaders and loyal followers (hmmmm… sound familiar? sjfhdhd). OH and June actually has 3 birthstones (pearl, moonstone, + alexandrite) but I lean towards Alexandrite since it’s been used for healing + is believed to bring good luck (I don’t have a lot of experience w/ Alexandrite + tend to take online crystal guides with a grain of salt, tho lol)

[ayyponine]

ugh ew last week i had a big argument w my dad bc he had been pushing stuff on me re: my mental health, trying to force me into shit that he thought was best fr me even though it clearly wasnt v well thought through and even highly unhealthy & inconvenient fr me personally & when i tried to explain all this he’d be like “... i just don’t understand why you’re so unwilling to do this for me >:/” im like :))))))))))))

so last week (at our standard once a week like 1 hr meal hangout) i tried to get through to him again but it just ended w me crying my fucking eyes out & him yelling because im “being stubborn and don’t WANT to get better” which was like.... i mean i was already feeling 1. constantly guilty abt not making quick progress & still being kind of a mess 2. hurt and betrayed w him trying to push actions on me after i tried to explain frm my own knowledge and experience why that was absolutely not a good idea but to then hear that kind of shit was like ok great. im never opening up & being vulnerable to you again. which ive already found out also makes him angry but at least it’s better than this. i’d rather get scolded fr only sticking to superficial comments than be forced into facing painful & triggering shit at a public restaurant or while stuck in a car w him while he gets frustrated, offended & outraged eg @ me disagreeing with him on my personal progress and what’s the best course of action or approach

he sent an email after like “oh i only want what’s best for you, this is really hard for me, much to my regret ive now cancelled this arrangement i made as you asked, i think it’s better we see each other less now since this is all asking so much of us both” im just like. these are problems that you low key created tho man..... idk tbh i still feel like i handled that conv to my best ability. i explained my part, was open abt my feelings & was considerate & respectful twrds his pov. i think it might be possible that im just like. better at interpersonal communication than my parents are and sometimes that just means there’s nothing left to do but just leave it & accept theres nothing you can do to make them understand. anyway tmrw’s his birthday and im so fucking tempted to just not even send him a text tbh bc im so Tired and still so anxious and hurt over the way he spoke to me when he was so obviously in the wrong to try and assert dominance in a sensitive situation hes clearly no fucking expert in but 1. hes already got One shit daughter and i cant be like her, i cant be put on that same level 2. i /know/ he’d only use that as further validation of how much He is suffering under what i’m Doing to him (by being mentally ill) so it’s like. no /i’m/ the one who’s fucking struggling here and it’s messed up that i tell him he’s hurt me & then he’s the one like “oh youre hurting ME by saying ive hurt you, anyway let’s not talk about this anymore & let’s not meet up this week bc i need some time to myself to think this all over”. yah he didnt see me all week and ive been feeling so fucking anxious abt him cutting off that contact. and it pisses me off that i now have to be nice and at least wish him a happy birthday when deep down, very cautiously still since im not used to standing up fr myself, i KNOW i’m in the right and im not the one who should hand that olive branch as a sort of apology from my side when he’s the one who crossed a very serious line and damaged my ability to trust him. but yeah ill probably send it even tho i dont want to and dont rlly know how i’ll have to phrase it but yknow, what can ya do