#this was based on an impromptu rp session so it's kind of a mess

[sirsnoinkers449]

Battle for Bacon (10-9-2013)

     Based on a true Toonbook story!

     It was an ordinary day by the river, and Sir Snoinkers was walking along the riverside. He was heading to the beach for a day of fishing, but he decided he’d stop and fish in the river. Just then, he heard a noise in the distance. Maybe it was a bird. Maybe it was the wind. Maybe it was another toon. As he cast out a jellybean into the river, he planted his rod in the ground and lay down. He managed to fall asleep and was awoken by a sudden pain in his nose.

     “SNRKNRKKNRNK!” He grunted. A can of Mountain Dew had somehow flew into his nose! A black cat toon named Lunar Black Mist ran up to him and violently pulled the can out of his nose.

     “Thanks”- Sir Snoinkers was interrupted by the cat pulling out a frying pan! “Oh no! Not again!” He was tossed into the pan and was being fried! “Get me out of here!” He squealed as he flopped about in the pan to escape what could be his untimely death. He was eventually pulled out by a purple toon and tossed into a shopping cart with a camouflage wrap.

     “NNNNNPARKBENCH,” the toon yelled out. Sir Snoinkers made him out to be a purplish dog toon named Error who highly reminded him of his best friend, Crazy Cuckoo Crumblecrumbs. There was no time for creating resemblances, though; this could be his last day he’d ever make one!

     Just then, a cry of “MY BACON!” rung out as Lunar Black Mist caught up with the shopping cart. She leapt in and nabbed Sir Snoinkers! This time, though, she didn’t take the time to cook him, and instead attempted to eat him alive. Sir Snoinkers managed to push himself out of her mouth.

     “This happens all the time...” grumbled Sir Snoinkers.

     Sir Snoinkers had a bit of time to comprehend what was going on as soggy cereal flew at Lunar’s face. “NO! Not soggy cereal!” She shrieked as she tossed some rotten milk at Error, who had thrown the cereal.  Sir Snoinkers noticed Lunar coming for him once more as Error stumbled around and bumped into an elderly lady, but his attempts to scramble away were fruitless and he was in Lunar’s hands again.

     “Why don't those toons eat horse meat instead?” He wondered to himself as he flailed in Lunar’s arms. Just then, the third toon tore Sir Snoinkers out of Lunar’s arms and into her own. At this point, Sir Snoinkers noticed this wasn’t a toon; this was a pony! Sir Snoinkers didn’t know much about these ponies, but this one was blue and her name was Rainbow Dash. Sir Snoinkers was fed up with nearly being eaten. “They gotta stop with this bacon thing. I'm not even fat...”

     Everything was a blur to Sir Snoinkers. Error now held Sir Snoinkers as Lunar cracked an ostrich egg on Rainbow’s head. What felt like the next second, Rainbow Dash punched Error in the back, throwing Sir Snoinkers into Lunar’s hands. Lunar and Rainbow were now stretching him in a tug-of-war! Sir Snoinkers knew he was done for. “I never thought I'd go out this way. It's happened so many times before, but never like this.”

     Things got even stranger from there! Rainbow now held a firm grasp on Sir Snoinkers’ small body as water flew all over Error. He roared and, in a fit of rage, tossed five Chinese children at Lunar! They bounced off her and into her arms, where she set them down. While this was going on, the four toons were engaged in a game of Hot Potato, and the potatoes were Sir Snoinkers and the can of Mountain Dew which likely started the scuffle. He was flung, squeezed, dragged, and stretched between the two toons and the pony. He swore he could make out the five Chinese children watching in awe as Sir Snoinkers was engaged in unintentional acrobatics. “Why did that can have to fly into my nose in the first place?” He thought to himself as he bounced around in the middle of the mess.

     Just then, Sir Snoinkers noticed a large, black spider had appeared in Error’s brown hair! He pulled it out and, to the toons’ disgust, ate it whole. “LOL. What.. I cooked it-“He tried to make out a sentence, but was interrupted by his own violent coughing. The spider popped out of Error’s mouth and into Sir Snoinkers’ snout! With a loud snort, the spider popped out of his massive nostrils and onto Rainbow Dash’s head.

     "OH GOD!” She screamed as she threw the spider off her head. It landed on Lunar, who tossed it to Error as she held Sir Snoinkers. Error tossed more spiders at Rainbow and Lunar, but surprisingly not Sir Snoinkers. Lunar panicked and tossed Sir Snoinkers away as she rubbed the spiders off her body. He landed in the river with a massive SPLOOSH. Sir Snoinkers tried to hold his breath, but bubbles started coming out of his snout. Suddenly, he was thrusted upward and out of the water. As he held his breath, he looked down to see that he was between the piano-like teeth of a Piano Tuna!

     “And I could’ve caught that if that stupid can didn’t fly in my nose…” Sir Snoinkers sighed as he attempted pushed his way out of the Piano Tuna’s mouth, causing a horrible discord as his hands pushed on the fish’s teeth. Error leapt in and tackled the fish, expanding its mouth and taking Sir Snoinkers out.

     “I’m nobody’s to eat,” Sir Snoinkers said defiantly as Rainbow now held Sir Snoinkers. To Sir Snoinkers’ horror, she pulled out a butcher’s knife, but felt relieved as she held it toward Lunar. Sir Snoinkers usually cares for strangers, but not in a time like this.

     “Thank goodness that knife isn't pointed at my head…” Sir Snoinkers said to himself as he attempted to wiggle out of Rainbow’s arms. Lunar kicked the knife out of Rainbow’s hoof, and tackled her, sending all three tumbling down a steep hill. Rainbow must have heard Sir Snoinkers’ remark, as she smiled sinisterly and pointed the knife at Sir Snoinkers’ head. This was it. This was the end of him. He couldn’t wiggle around, as he’d probably stab himself on accident. He closed his eyes and thought for a moment before getting an idea. Instead of wiggling, he pushed himself downwards and rolled out of Rainbow Dash’s grip. Rainbow Dash tumbled down another side of the hill and into the river as Sir Snoinkers heard a voice in the distance.

     “THE BACON IS MINE, LADIES! HASTA LA VISTA!”

     It wasn’t over.

     Error swiftly picked up Sir Snoinkers, but he wasn’t immobile. He turned to Error and released a thought on his mind.

     “You remind me of my best friend, except he didn't try to eat me.”

     Sir Snoinkers wiggled for all he was worth before Lunar jumped on Error from behind, knocking him down on his face and freeing Sir Snoinkers. He didn’t know where Rainbow Dash was, but he had no time. He could run, and so he did. “GET BACK HERE!!!” Lunar yelled as she leapt on Sir Snoinkers. The two rolled around, Lunar desperate to keep her grip and Sir Snoinkers struggling to break free. Suddenly, Sir Snoinkers noticed Rainbow Dash flying toward Lunar and him. She snatched Sir Snoinkers out of Lunar’s grip, taking him up into the air. Sir Snoinkers noticed the river below him and knew what to do.

     “I've been grabbed by you way too many times...” he said as he pushed himself out of Rainbow’s four-hoof grip and cannonballed into the river. He popped out after a few seconds and called to Rainbow. “Focus on the cat, not me!”

     Rainbow did focus on Lunar, but Lunar had her eyes on Sir Snoinkers. As Rainbow Dash and Error pushed each other into the river, Sir Snoinkers wondered why a battle for Mountain Dew ended up as a battle for bacon. Rainbow dragged Error into the river again, but soon found her muzzle stuck in the ground as Lunar pulled her from the sky and into the grass. Lunar now had both Error and Sir Snoinkers in her paws, but that was soon to change.

     “Hey Lunar, you can’t hold two toons at once.”

     Sir Snoinkers wriggled out of Lunar’s arms once more. He noticed that Rainbow was lying on the ground in pain. She tried to get up, but her wings were severely injured. As he observed the pained pony, Error snuck up behind him. “NOT SO FAST, PIG!” Suddenly, Rainbow Dash got up, and she snapped. Her mane became shorter, her eyes turned a shade of blood red, and her teeth grew sharper. She was having no mercy.

     Rainbow Dash flew at astounding speeds toward the three toons and knocked Error and Lunar into some mud. Sir Snoinkers dodged the move, but Rainbow Dash came up from behind and threw Sir Snoinkers on top of the pile of toons. “Man, I should’ve been a monkey,” Sir Snoinkers groaned.

     Lunar got up, grabbed Rainbow Dash out of the sky, and tossed her into the water. Lunar’s focus changed to Sir Snoinkers, who couldn’t take any more of this fighting. Observing the large burn on his back from her frying pan earlier in the brawl and the many grab marks all over his body, Lunar turned the tides. She grabbed Sir Snoinkers and threw him in the river, which flowed into the ocean. Sir Snoinkers poked his head out of the rushing water and could just hear what Lunar was saying.

     “It’s not worth hurting an innocent animal. I’d rather buy bacon from the store.”

     Sir Snoinkers stared at Lunar in joyous shock. Was she serious? Lunar looked over at Error.  “Oops!” She said and picked Error up. “So, how about we get some jellybeans and some bacon?” Lunar fled with Error, who gave Lunar a high five.

     “You got moves!” He said. He looked at Rainbow Dash, who was still in the water. “AND RAINBOW. YOU SCARE ME.”

     “Eheheheh... Sorry about that…” She said, climbing out of the river. “Eh yeah, I scare people.. It's what I do.” Her teeth were still razor-sharp from her rampage.

     Sir Snoinkers had to thank Lunar. “Thanks a lot! Now I just need a boat.” Thankfully, Lunar seemed to have one on hand, as she tossed one out to Sir Snoinkers. As he climbed onto the raft, he saw the three toons and the pony drink some of the Mountain Dew. Sir Snoinkers didn’t really want it, but was surprised when the can appeared in his nose again. He blew it out of his nose and into Rainbow Dash’s hoof.

     “Catch!” She said, tossing the can to Sir Snoinkers. It still had some of the fizzy drink inside, so he drank up. For such a fast-paced and deadly battle, it sure turned out better than expected. As Rainbow Dash flew away, it was just Sir Snoinkers. No old lady and no five Chinese children. Once again, Sir Snoinkers was at peace on the river, but with a new raft.

     “I’m surprised I survived that fight!” Sir Snoinkers chuckled to himself. They had traveled so far during the fight that Sir Snoinkers noticed his rod after minutes of floating. He was wet, covered in handprints, and burned on his back, but was happy to continue with his fishing trip. As he found his rod, he climbed off the raft and back onto the riverside. His rod was wiggling, making him wonder what happened to his trusty rod during the fight. He yanked on the rod and pulled up a Balloon Fish, which flew around in the water a bit before deflating and surfacing. Sir Snoinkers put it in his bucket and headed toward the beach.

     As he cast out a bright blue jellybean and anchored his rod in the wet sand, a thought came over him. Some toons prefer to eat fish over selling them. If Sir Snoinkers struggled so badly to avoid becoming bacon, then how do fish feel when they suffer the same fate?

     THE END

[millennial-ring]

Can we get more info on 5-7?

             5. Dear God

So this one is ANCIENT (2012!!!) and idk why it’s still in my WIPs folder because I do clean it out/reorganize it every few years or so (which is why that unfinished powershipping christmas fic wasn’t on the list, cause I moved it to a different folder). Sadly the title makes it seem more interesting than it actually is - it’s just a few paragraphs and nothing really happens at all. 

Russet eyes were glazed over as they watched the rain pelt the ground, each drop making tiny indents in the dirt, puffs of the still-dry earth floating up with each splash before settling down again, the process repeating over...and over... Rain drummed against the body of a beaten up jeep, the only prominent sound within miles, save to the sound of the rain falling in the grass, and the dirt, and the leather jacket Bakura wore. 

The man blinked as water ran down his face, following the curve of his brow and rolling over the crease of his eyelid, flowing into his eye. The water pooled between his lids, blurring his vision for a few moments until he blinked again, and the water was squeezed out to mingle with the rest on his face, like a single, solitary tear. He inhaled slowly, then let the breath out in a quick huff, turning away from the long stretch of dirt road in front of him. Behind him, another long chunk of drivable desert. He growled under his breath and began to pace, wet sand squishing under his boots, gravel shifting with each step. 

How could be trapped here, in the middle of fucking nowhere, with a flat fucking tire and no spare? 

It was inspired by this Avenged Sevenfold song and I vaguely remember that it was going to be thiefshipping, about the various trials Bakura goes through to get back to Malik after a fight or something but... 🤷

              6. Domestic Disturbance

This one is also super short, more fleshed out in my mind than on paper, and I started writing it after we had to call the cops on our neighbors because they were having a very loud and long argument (like, over an hour of yelling). Inspiration comes from the dumbest places with me, haha, but this is another one of those “why is this still in my wips” documents because I don’t have any intention of finishing it. After writing what I did I kinda had a “maybe these kinds of situations shouldn’t be your inspiration for fanfics, weirdo” moment and I scrapped it. But anyway! 

The story goes that Bakura was playing some Wii game, lost grip on the controller, and accidentally chucked it and broke a vase because he wasn’t wearing the wrist strap. Malik hears the crash and comes around the corner, lecturing him about “how many times have i told you i s2g bakura why are you like this” even as Bakura’s already beginning to clean up the mess. Bakura gruffly tells him to chill out because nothing important was broken anyway, just “that ugly ass vase” and he holds up a piece for Malik to see. The tension thickens immediately and Malik speaks with measured anger instead of the usual screaming, so Bakura knows He Fucked Up. “That was a gift from my sister.” Bakura panics a bit on the inside, but outside he scoffs and he’s all like “even better, tell her she has awful tastes” because ykno. He’s like that. Doesn’t wanna admit he fucked up, doesn’t wanna take responsibility or acknowledge he hurt Malik’s feelings. At this point I’d stopped writing it, but still have the basic outline. The regular bickering becomes a super intense all out screaming match about basically anything and everything, all the tiny little things they’d been burying for as long as they’d lived together finally coming out, start demanding why they ever thought this would work and they’re just about to get to that great crescendo where they're about to break up (”Well then maybe you shouldn’t have brought me back!” “At this point I’m inclined to agree!” Bakura’s shocked. “Well...then is this going where I think it’s going?” “I think it is.” “Then say it.” “...” “Say you want to break up!” “I...Bakura, I...” when someone knocks on the door. Heyo, it’s two cops, saying someone called in a domestic disturbance. Malik snaps that they’re fine, still pissed from the fight, but obviously like no Malik that’s not gonna help. So one officer brings Bakura out into the hall to question him and the other stays with Malik. Cop asks if they’re together, how long, what the fight was about, etc etc, and then if the fight had been physical at all. Bakura recoils in shock and practically screams “No!” “You never hit Malik?” “I would never!” “And Malik wouldn’t hit you?” There’s a few things there, bc I wasn’t sure how I wanted Bakura to respond; make an “only if he asked wink wonk” joke that the cop rolls his eyes at, or stammer that “i mean he’s smacked my head once or twice but it never hurt and i was being super annoying at the time and it was more like playful slapping” but either way the cop asks for a more direct answer or for Bakura to elaborate and Bakura gets pissed, says Malik would cut off his own hand before he hit Bakura because obviously. Cop seems taken aback but nods, and then lectures Bakura a bit about volume, tells him maybe one of them should pack a bag and stay with friends or family for a few days. Their partner comes out soon after and the two cops leave. Bakura goes back inside, where Malik is standing with his arms crossed, looking shaken with red rimmed eyes. They look at each other, feeling awkward, but then they make tea, sit down, and have a calmer “are we really like that?” conversation. they admit a lot of their fights are pointless and stupid and they’re just fighting to fight because it’s Their Thing and aha, aren’t we so cute and quirky, arguing is our foreplay - which it is, but they admit they’ve taken it too far, gotten too used to snapping at each other when something happens, and some of their issues (like Bakura disrespecting Malik’s siblings, and Malik’s control freak attitude) really need to be sat down and talked out, not screamed out. They apologize, foreheads pressed together, and Malik thumbs a tear from Bakura’s cheek. Bakura strokes his fingers through Malik’s hair. Malik makes a “well you know the best part about fighting, right?” and Bakura laughs, and then it ends.

               7. But he came back

So if y’all didn’t know I recently commissioned a(n amazing) fic from @/sitabethel (not properly tagging cause i don’t wanna bother them). In it, Bakura promises Malik he’ll come back after his final showdown with Atem, but ten years pass and Malik gets engaged to Seto. It’s corporate theifshipping and obviously I recommend reading it - but it’s based on an RP I did with a friend of mine years ago. In the RP, Bakura was pissed Malik hadn’t waited for him and does the whole “why did I even bother coming back I literally only came back to be with you?????” and Malik being like “Sorry? But you took a long fucking time and I had to do something to stop the loneliness.” We never finished it, but when we dropped it Bakura was starting to heal and move on and we had plans to end it powershipping and tendershipping - and Bakura catching the bouquet at the wedding and Ryou immediately being like >:) but anyway. The concept stuck with me and I really liked the idea of Bakura coming back to that situation and more so rolling with it - maybe a touch bitter at first, but hey, he’s nothing if not adaptable, and he absolutely invites himself into the relationship in the clunkiest way possible. 

“But he came back” was the start of my own attempt to write something with that kind of plot. When I write a fic, I start with a vague collection of ideas or scenes I want to write, and then when I have enough to work with, I begin organizing them into an outline. This doc is just a very small collection of ideas and dialogue, mixing some things taken from the RP and my own ideas. It’s mostly things like how Malik and Kaiba get to the marriage point, starting with an impromptu kinda tipsy make out session hidden away in the kitchen during a party Yugi’s throwing, and how they navigate each other’s trauma and fumble their way into a genuine romance despite everything. I’ve never managed to sit down and work it out into an outline of any kind, and the way I wanted to explore Malik and Bakura’s relationship before the show down, Malik and Kaiba’s relationship building afterwards, and then the relationship building with all three of them meant 30 chapters, at least (the original rp is over 2,500 pages and again, we had only just started with Bakura wanting to ask Ryou out and going to Malik for advice adjklj, when we dropped it) and well. yall know i’m bad at writing multi fic chapters