#this was almost a vernon fic but i always default to vernon

[nonranghaes]

heads up: depiction of anxiety attack (hyperventilating, anxiety, a loss of control/out of body feeling) + mentions of vomiting (fic primarily under readmore as a result)

from the moment you left your apartment, you knew something was wrong.

living with your own personal concoction of mental bullshit sucks. your family knows about it, your friends know a little less, and your long-term boyfriend knows... probably the most of any of those people, since you opened up to minho easier in a weird way. he texted you maybe ten minutes ago that he'd be there in thirty minutes, and you'd realized that you were out of drinks and the store was only a short walk away... so what was the harm in making a quick run?

except something just... set you off in a weird way. maybe it was a text from someone else that you decided to answer later, or it was the person walking down the street in a jacket that you felt you'd seen somewhere else, or maybe it was something about the news article you read that morning that slithered under your skin and stayed there. but the moment you stepped outside, you felt... off.

and now you're really feeling it now that you're safe at home again, already shut into your bedroom as you pace and try to swallow these feelings whole. minho will be here in a few minutes, you tell yourself: push back. you can try to smash the ugly panic rising in your chest if you just try hard enough, can't you? except it doesn't work that way. you've been able to stave off these moments of hyperventilation and sobbing until you were able to get out, but that's not how it works at home. home is out. home is safe for you to come undone, and your brain seems to refuse to let you breathe now.

a swear bubbles up and tumbles from your lips as you decide you have to ride this out. you can't fight it, and minho will be there soon, and you can't let him see you as a mess. he'll let himself in: you know he will, because he always does nowadays. he practically lives there now. and that means he'll see you and he'll worry and you can't have minho worry more than he already does.

you practically collapse onto your bed, curling in on yourself as your breathing grows more frantic, more uneven, more fucked up as everything feels like its closing in on you. you fumble for your phone, desperate to find some sort of help. a video to help you breathe. something. but your hands shake too much to type, and you abandon it, pulling a pillow into your arms to grapple with as your body fights against you.

if you could just stagger your stupid breathing, you could be better. you would be fine. but your body and your mind feel at odds with one another now. all you want is for it to be over. you sob into the pillow you're clutching, just trying to find some way of stopping yourself.

the door opens. you think minho says your name as he hurries over, asking if he can touch you now. he's seen your anxiety attacks before, he's helped you through them, and yet he still asks to be careful. to make sure that he's not overstepping. he pulls the empty trashcan from beside your desk over to the bed, and he sits, reaching for you. you shift so that your head is in his lap, still holding the pillow to your chest as he finds your hand.

"can you count with me?"

you don't think you can do anything more than sob and breathe frantically. you don't think you can do anything at all, really. your body feels like its out of your control, and it makes you nauseous. minho holds your hand securely, murmuring that he's here. he's with you.

and he begins to count, slowly.

one... you feel your stomach turn. you haven't eaten today. is that good? is that bad? he'll scold you. but you feel sick. you're going to be sick.

two... minho's watching you carefully. does he pity you? does he wish he was dating someone else? why is he with you? why doesn't he just leave? you don't want him to leave. please. don't leave.

three... what does he see in you? what does anyone see in you? lots of things, you manage to think: people like you for a reason, even if you struggle to see them.

four--

you swear loudly, lunging for the trashcan as you vomit into the bag. minho's already there with you, though, hand rubbing your back as he supports you through this. it isn't much, but your throat burns nonetheless and you wipe your mouth on your sleeve before burying your face into minho's shoulder. he slowly sets the can down, holding you as your breathing finally evens out. your eyes are still wet. minho's saying something you don't quite hear.

"did something happen?" finally pushes through your foggy mind, and you shrug. you don't know what happened, specifically. all it took was one perceived threat somewhere along the way for you to get so upset. funny thing, anxiety.

"it's okay," he says a moment later, still rubbing your back. "you can always call me if you start feeling anxious."

you know you can. you nod. "i know," you finally manage to say. just so he knows, too: you trust him, even though you hate him seeing you like this. you hate anyone seeing you like this, really.

minho presses a tiny kiss against the side of your head. "i'm going to get you some water, okay?" he waits until your draw back, and he takes your face into his hands. "okay?"

you nod. "okay. thank you, honey."

a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth: he'll only rarely admit it, but he loves when you call him things like honey. it makes him feel loved, the same way you feel when he looks at you. "we can cuddle when i come back, if you want to stay here a little longer." he tucks a strand of your hair back from your face. "i was going to ask if you wanted to go out, but..."

"maybe in a bit," you say, and you watch him get up after pressing a quick kiss to your forehead. getting out with minho feels... possible, if you take care of yourself first. the water, maybe a little snack... and cuddling with him for a bit, just to help you feel safe again. "min?"

he looks up from where he's tucking your trashcan away. "yes?"

"i love you."

he does smile this time. "i love you, too. i'll be back in a moment."

(and he is, quietly pressing a thing of plastic-wrapped crackers into your hand too. just to say how well he knows you.)

[steelplatedhearts]

sorcerer’s stone reread

it’s been 20 years, the epilogue just passed, i’m emotional as shit, it’s time for a full reread, one book at a time. these posts are gonna be less recaps and more reactions, tagged ‘madi rereads harry potter’ for your blacklisting needs, here we go!

-i'm reading this in the new fancy illustrated form because my original copy is lost in a box in the garage somewhere because i didn't label my shit properly when we moved, and it's kind of throwing me off because i left it on the lawn overnight when i was six and the sprinklers went off and now the pages are all warped and kind of rainbow-ish from the smeared ink, and i've gotten used to it. the SPINE IS INTACT on this new book, what is that NONSENSE

-there's a little grunnings picture in this that says BORING IS OUR BUSINESS. imagine working at a company where that's your motto.

-"it was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge" is this like the weasley's clock at all?

-honestly, what the fuck was dumbledore thinking. a LETTER? he couldn't have knocked on the door? did he just not want to give them a chance to refuse? what if they hadn't read the letter? what if they had just turned and dumped harry in a foster home? THERE ARE TOO MANY VARIABLES HERE, DUMBLEDORE. you left a small child outside in november.

-harry potter is cinderella. discuss.

-...you know upon reread i'm kind of...worried about dudley? because, okay, he's been spoiled to shit by his parents, and he's gotten the message directly from them that Harry is an Acceptable Target, and i'm kind of wondering what other messages he internalized? messages like different is bad and this is normal and maybe even if you're different we'll treat you like him. what might the dursleys have done, if dudley showed any signs of being different? if they didn't have someone they considered Obviously Inferior around to hold dudley up next to as a shining example? i think there's an interesting point to be made about the cycle of abuse and how it can be perpetuated even through children but like...fuck, guys, they're eleven years old and i will never stop wanting something where they banded together.

-also, fuck harry's old school instructors who just ignored the signs of neglect. we like to think it got better at hogwarts, but it really didn't, did it?

-damn guys i PROMISE THIS ISN'T GONNA BE A DOWNER THE WHOLE TIME

-i love the fucking snake scene. someone give harry a pet snake.

-come on, mrs. figg, you couldn't even let harry watch TELEVISION? sure, dumbledore didn't want you to make it "fun" or whatever, but you could've at least made it not miserable.

-when i was like, eleven or twelve, i got a harry potter stationery set for christmas and i used the book and a green marker to write myself a hogwarts acceptance letter with the plan of like, going to britain and talking my way in, somehow. I didn't make it out of the neighborhood, but i still think it would've worked.

-what happens if a muggle family doesn't want to send their kid to hogwarts? do they even get a choice??

-"Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag." does an eleven year old need a television, vcr, and computer? no. does this demonstrate exactly what i was worrying about a few bullet points back? yes

-these illustrations are fucking amazing. hagrid has a TROLL DOLL KEYCHAIN.

-HAGRID IS SO WONDERFUL! he brought cake! he treated harry gently! he listened! i love him!

-so wait, hogwarts knew that harry was living under the stairs but didn't know that the dursleys hadn't told him about magic? or if they did know, they didn't bother to fill in hagrid? WEAK.

-“I know some things,” he said. “I can, you know, do maths and stuff.” my precious son

-i just now realized that this illustrated edition has the british text, and my ancient original copy has all the american changes they made when they first published it.

-i would read a 50k epic about nothing but petunia and lily.

-"Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake" #same

-...okay, hagrid, i adore you beyond reason, but why didn't you give uncle vernon the pig's tail, considering he was the one you were actually mad at, rather than dudley, who was literally just standing there?

-I bought a harry potter knitting pattern book once and there were all these patterns for molly weasley but nothing for hagrid, & that's some bullshit. molly and hagrid should probably be in a knitting circle. god how many sweaters and hats and shit does hagrid knit for harry's kids

-i would also read 50k of quirrell backstory fic

-honestly, the wizarding world needs to get with the paper money program. can you imagine just carrying around PILES OF GOLD every time you go out? my purse barely fits all my shit as it is

-has anyone done any deep-delving goblin stuff? because i would be all over that

-"After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things — terrible, yes, but great.” man this line has ALWAYS STUCK WITH ME

-this whole "owl or cat or toad" thing clearly isn't even all that enforced if multiple weasley generations can get away with scabbers

-how does everyone already know about harry's scar? like, who told everyone?

-don't fucking @ me he's my son and i love him

-i honestly kind of wonder about the differences in reading this as an american person vs. someone from the uk? because reading this the whole concept of houses was cool and unusual, but would it have really been that ~magical~ for someone who was used to the concept?

-"mandy brocklehurst" sounds like the mean girl from an early 00s teen movie

-i love that the wizarding world has jello

-ah, the days when taking a single house point was an apocalyptic event

-madam hooch is a Lesbian ™

-parvati patil: the founding member of the neville longbottom defense squad

-parvati patil: ALSO the first person to defend harry to mcgonagall

-parvati patil: severely underrated, y'all

-i love that professor mcgonagall is 100% willing to ignore the rules if quidditch is involved

-as a former lonely smart child, hermione is so relatable

-i absolutely forgot neville was involved the first time they found fluffy. SORRY NEVILLE

-"so I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?" ...hermione is my dad here, RULES ARE RULES GUYS

-they should at least modify the bludgers so they're less dangerous when you've got eleven year olds playing

-do brits really call baked potatoes jacket potatoes that's the funniest goddamn thing i've ever heard

-just let a bunch of live bats loose in the cafeteria, no way that'll cause a problem

-"harry then did something that was both very brave and very stupid" and continued doing so for seven books, i love my son

-oh my god this book stops for two pages for "newt scamander's guide to trolls"

-"Inside a troll's mind: Food, violence, kittens, nose-picking, keep thinking it's tuesday"

-this book's hermione has hair that's almost IDENTICAL to my hair as a child

-hermione may be unwilling to believe that snape is a bad guy but she sure does zero right in on him at the quidditch match

-fred and george repeatedly hit voldemort in the face with snowballs while he couldn't do anything about it

-what's wizard church like? they celebrate christmas, surely some of them go to church. is there a wizard pope?

-i love that ron is good at chess even if he isn't traditionally book smart

-this picture of harry and dumbledore sitting on the floor in their pajamas in front of the mirror of erised is so cute and almost heartbreaking when you consider the future

-i know dumbledore is basically Grey Morality: The Musical, but i really do love him

-"harry found that he had fewer nightmares when he was tired out after training" oh no harry you're too small for this sadness

-look if you're letting literal children play a sport that makes them genuinely worry about dying, then there's a PROBLEM THERE

-"i'm worth twelve of you, malfoy"

-hermione hugs parvati, bless

-let hermione granger have more female friends

-that's, uh, something i'm probably gonna hit on a lot in these

-"wonder what it's like to have a peaceful life" oh, you sweet summer child

-i had to pause to look up how often the illustrated editions will be coming out because they're beautiful and i want them all

-it looks like once a year in october

-"four students out of bed in one night! i've never heard of such a thing before!" sure jan

-it's understandable for people to be pissed at harry for losing all these points the first time, but after five years of him being disliked for some reason and then vindicated in the end, you think they'd learn

-malfoy's got a point, this probably isn't something they should have students doing

-MARS IS BRIGHT TONIGHT

-”If I get caught before I can get to the Stone, well, I'll have to go back to the Dursleys and wait for Voldemort to find me there, it's only dying a bit later than I would have, because I'm never going over to the Dark Side! I'm going through that trapdoor tonight and nothing you two say is going to stop me!” i love him so much i want to cry

-"oh come off it, you don't think we'd let you go alone?"

-and i cry and my tears are golden trio feelings

-"But if we get caught, you two will be expelled, too." "Not if I can help it," said Hermione grimly. "Flitwick told me in secret that I got a hundred and twelve per cent on his exam. They're not throwing me out after that." bless you hermione

-NEVILLE MY DARLING SON

-YOU'RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

-ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT

-also i really like that bit, mostly because, okay, Hermione's been learning about magic for a year, but that's stacked against eleven years of not defaulting to magic, that's probably a difficult instinct to change

-when i was maybe ten or eleven, i had a harry potter birthday, and my mom went full Artist on it, it was the coolest thing ever, but a special shoutout to the old antique keys she bought and glued feathers to and then hung from our ceiling fan

-i'm so proud of you and your chess skills, ron

-but holy shit they didn't even go over to check on him after, they just KEPT GOING

-which like, fair, it's a race against quirrel at this point, but DUDES. U GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR CONCUSSIONS.

-look, there's no way around it. a bunch of magically talented professors got beat by three eleven year olds.

-"it wasn't the snitch at all. it was a pair of glasses. how strange." harry is either way too chill or has no chill at all, there's no middle ground

-hagrid's scrapbook is the most precious thing

-when i was five reading this for the first time i was so pumped about gryffindor winning the house cup. i am less pumped as an adult, he could've awarded those points BEFORE the decorations were up, dude, where's the cutoff?

-ANYWAY this was so good, i remember back when when i first read these i would read a passage, leave the book in my room, run downstairs and recite an entire page at my mother before running back up to finish it

-those were the days

-this is the greatest book

-NEXT UP CHAMBER OF SECRETS, in which i will most likely be reading from my original waterlogged copy