#this took so long to write and should've been posted a year ago

[sissyisawitch]

I'll Be Home For Christmas

Relationship: Sebastian Sallow x f!MC

Summary: After leaving everything behind and starting a new life almost three years ago, MC returns to Hogsmeade for Christmas Eve. Little does she know that her brief return will be enough for her past to catch up with her…

Word Count: ~9.4k

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol in the beginning? Otherwise it's just pure pining and fluff

Author's Note: Special one shot because I just love Christmas. It should've been even longer, but I had to shorten it, or I'd never have managed to post it in time for Christmas. Anyway, I had a blast writing it, and I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did!

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas!🎅🎄 Lots of love💕

“Oh, MC, I can’t get over how much we’ve missed of each other’s life. You can’t imagine how much I’ve missed you!”

MC and Poppy sat in a cozy corner of the Three Broomsticks, whose dim lighting and soft hum of conversation provided a comfortable backdrop for their reunion. Excitement and laughter had been echoing for the past hours, as the two best friends shared their numerous respective adventures, and reminisced about the wonderful times they shared while at Hogwarts.

“Life sadly took us on separate journeys after graduation, there was no other way… But I'm so grateful that we haven't lost touch.” MC said as she took a sip of her third Butterbeer of the afternoon. She had never realised how much she had missed the sugary drink, especially after being away from Hogsmeade for so long. It tasted of the good old days when she spent the entire day shopping with her schoolmates, before going for a collation to relax and forget about the homework they had to do.

After Hogwarts, Poppy became a renowned Magizoologist, following in her grandmother's footsteps, like she had always dreamt of doing. As for MC, she had taken a very different path. Barely a few weeks after graduating, the girl had decided to leave everything behind and embark on a life full of travel and adventure. She never stayed in one location for very long. Her aim was to discover as many places as she could.

Now, the only thing left of her former life was her best friend Poppy, and the letters they regularly exchanged. It was for her that MC had exceptionally returned to Hogsmeade, to see her on this Christmas Eve.

“Merlin… I didn’t realise it was so late already.” MC sighed as she looked out the window. The evening sun painted the sky in hues of orange and pink, casting a warm glow through the pub windows.

Poppy grimaced in response, as if a bittersweet realisation came to her, “Time flies when you’re having fun. I wish I could stay longer... but Gran hasn't been well lately, and I've already left her on her own all afternoon...”

“Don't worry, Poppy. I totally understand.”

“I'd love to offer you a place to stay, especially since it’s Christmas Eve… but as I said, it's complicated at the moment.”

MC offered the girl another genuine and reassuring smile, “It’s okay, I don't mind. I've managed to find a room in an inn for a couple of days.”

“I'm glad to hear that.” Poppy smiled back, although ruefully.

After paying for their drinks, the two girls made their way out. They stood on the porch on the Three Broomstick in contemplative silence, the air thick with unspoken emotions. The time had come to bid farewell once again.

Poppy took a deep breath, as if to get rid of the lump in her throat, before breaking the silence, "MC, it's been wonderful catching up with you. I wish we could freeze time and stay like this forever."

A wistful smile played on MC's lips. "Life moves on, though. We have our own journeys to continue."

Poppy hesitated before uttering her newt words, “…Don't let it be another three years before our next reunion."

“It won’t. I promise.” MC replied weakly, having to bite the inside of her cheek to hold back her tears. She had never been very good at goodbyes.

Maybe that was why she had never said one to Sebastian.

With a lingering hug, they exchanged a few more words, promises to stay in touch, and expressions of hope for the future. It was nightfall when Poppy finally disapparated, leaving MC alone on the village streets, which were neither crowded nor deserted. Most of the people still outside were on their way home, or off to enjoy a late drink with their friends.

MC walked for a while, before stopping at a vantage point overlooking the quaint village which was bathed in the soft glow of Christmas lights that shimmered like a galaxy full of stars. Tremendous decorated Christmas trees could be found on every street corner, perfectly matching the garlands of fir branches that linked the roofs of the various cottages. It was even possible to find some snowmen that were bewitched to fill the air with the enchanting melodies of Christmas carols. The whole scene resembled a holiday postcard brought to life, especially with the thick blanket of snow covering the village.

It was magical. Literally.

As MC gazed at the picturesque view, memories started flooding her mind. The charming village setting reminded her of the spirited Christmases she used to share with Sebastian, spending the best part of their day at Zonko's trying to find a way to prank Ominis, before heading off to Honeydukes to buy Chocolate Frogs, just in case the blond ended up sulking for too long. The inseparable duo then made it back to the Great Hall just in time for the big Christmas feast, where they joined Ominis. The smell of roasted turkey, and the sound of familiar laughter echoed in MC’s thoughts.

After dinner, the group of friends used to return to their common room and sit down by the fire. She could almost hear the crackling of the fireplace, and feel the camaraderie that accompanied their joyful exchange of gifts. After that, Ominis fell asleep very quickly, and MC and Sebastian usually took the opportunity to get a little closer. If she closed her eyes, she could feel the sensation of his shoulder used as a pillow against her cheek, while his woody cologne invaded her nostrils.

MC could never escape these kinds of memories, especially when she was in Hogsmeade.

Everything always led back to Sebastian in Hogsmeade.

That was why she had refused to set foot there for so long.

To forget the insurmountable heartbreak of never having her feelings returned by the love of her life, MC had decided to start a new life. She had wanted to move on, to forget her feelings for Sebastian, but she had known that this would prove to be impossible with him in her life. She had therefore decided to make a clean break – because she knew that bidding Sebastian farewell was not a skill she possessed – and to disappear brutally. To make her plan even more effective, she had also cut ties with Ominis, seeing as he was Sebastian’s best friend, and MC had felt awkward to put him in the middle of her drama. The only thing MC had kept from her old life was Poppy... now her one and only friend.

MC had then spent years travelling around the world, searching for a place where she would feel comfortable enough, and that she would love enough to want to settle there for the rest of her life. The goal to her quest was to find a place that felt like home.

After almost three years, she still had not found her home.

“Ow!” MC suddenly exclaimed. Someone forcefully colliding against her back disrupted her reverie.

“I’m so sorry, ma’am. I didn’t see you.”

MC turned at the sound of a deep masculine voice. Indeed, the man could not possibly have seen her, for he was carrying a large pile of children's toys in his arms, up to his eye level, thus blocking his field of vision.

The man shifted the pile of toys into one of his arms instead of both, moving them away from his face to take a look at the unlucky person he had just unintentionally bumped into.

Next thing MC knew, before she could even realise it, MC found herself face to face with none other than Sebastian.

His chocolate eyes widened in recognition as they locked onto hers. An amalgam of shock and bewilderment flashing across his face, washing away his previous apologetic look. He was so flabbergasted that he forgot about the packages in his hands, which began to wobble. MC rushed closer to him, to put the parcels back upright, and prevent them from shattering on the floor.

“…MC?” He asked hesitantly, never tearing his gaze away from her, just to make sure he was not dreaming, that his former best friend was well and truly standing in front of him.

“Hi.” She smiled softly at him. She could not believe that she had not recognised what had once been the only voice capable of soothing her even on her worst days. To be fair, it had changed remarkably. It was more intense, manly... even sexy.

“You’re back?” He questioned eagerly, a beaming grin breaking through the initial stupor.

MC nodded in response. She could not bring herself to tell him that it was only temporary, or even worse to admit to him that she had not come back for him, that she had never had a single intention of ever seeing him again. She could not be the one to wipe that gorgeous smile from his tantalising lips. It would break her own heart all over again.

As she kept staring into those familiar eyes, a rush of emotions overwhelmed MC. The old crush she had once harboured seemed to reignite with an unexpected intensity. It was unbelievably insane that just one glance at him was all it took to make her flamboyant feelings for him resurface. She thought she had managed to eradicate them, but she had actually only been able to bury them deep inside.

However, with that also came the horrid realisation that Sebastian was carrying a large number of toys in his arms. As MC looked once again at the eye-catching bundles in his arms, reality struck her like a cold breeze.

There, nestled in his grasp, was the object of the rude shock that life had evolved without her, in ways she never could have foreseen. Obviously, these toys were for his children, meaning that Sebastian was also married and had a loving wife waiting at home for him.

MC, still quite in denial, racked her brains to find another rational explication, but there was none. There was no other option because Ominis always said he never wanted kids in order not to pass on his ‘cursed Gaunt genes’. As for Anne… well last time MC had heard of Anne was the day Solomon Sallow died. After that, she had severed all contact with everyone except Ominis, who had promised her not to divulge any information about her whereabouts.

MC’s heart sank as her mind kept repeating itself that Sebastian had moved on, embracing a world that now included the joy and responsibility of raising a family.

“Merlin, MC! I thought I’d never see you again! You’ve missed so many things, there’s so much I need to tell you! Do you live here now?” If Sebastian had ever held a grudge against MC for disappearing without warning, no trace of it was visible. His excitement was taking over completely.

“I have a room at the Hog’s Head.”

“What? The Hog’s Head?” He exclaimed in horror – rather dramatically if you asked MC – “You can't possibly stay in this dodgy shithouse!”

MC was surprised by his crude words. She was used to his outspokenness, but she had not expected to hear it again so soon after such a long time. She could only shrug sheepishly, “I don't really have much choice... Sirona didn't have any more rooms available for me. Everything was booked up… you know… with the holidays.”

“Ah... Well, I can't exactly let a lovely lady like you sleep there. I've got room at home, you can come if you like.” Sebastian puffed out his chest, putting on his false air of chivalry.

MC tried her best to conceal the blush creeping up her cheeks, but alas, she could do nothing about her nervous stammering, “Oh… Oh, I… I don’t wanna bother you. Besides, the Hog’s Head’s not that bad…”

“Don't say no. Please. Really, I insist. We could spend the evening drinking and catching up… What d’you say?” Sebastian gave her the sad puppy eyes, and MC could feel all her resolve slipping away at the same second.

Thinking about it twice, the Hog's Head was truly, absolutely dreadful. The few times MC had been there, she had been catcalled far too many times for her liking.

So yes, she knew that staying with Sebastian, his wife and their children was going to be pure torture, but MC still preferred that to the risk of being mugged or assaulted by one of the Hog's Head patrons.

“Okay.” She ended up saying, forcing a smile that masked her internal turmoil.

“Brilliant!” Sebastian looked so excited that it would not have surprised MC if he had started jumping up and down. “Have you got any luggage you need to pick up in your room before going to my place?”

“No, I've just got this." MC replied, pointing to her small rectangular shoulder bag, barely large enough to hold a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. “I travel light.”

“Perfect! Well then, if you will follow me, my lady.” He offered her his arm with a wink, and after a brief moment of surprise, she accepted it.

Sebastian made it so effortless to fall back into their old dynamic, that it made it just as natural and easy for MC to do the same. It was like they had never been apart.

They walked together, sticking close to each other, in the same way they used to do when they were still teenagers. As they strolled through the streets of Hogsmeade, MC assumed Sebastian was taking her to a Floo Flame. The girl was therefore genuinely caught off-guard when he stopped in front of her. a small house typical of the village – made of stone with an excessively pointed roof – and took out a key to open the front door.

“Ladies first.” Sebastian's face lit up with pride and joy, while he let MC in first, still the perfect gentleman as usual. Even married, he could not help being flirty.

Before entering, MC took a deep breath to try and calm her nerves, in anticipation of meeting the woman who had succeeded where she had failed, the woman who was better enough than her in Sebastian's eyes to have succeeded in stealing his golden heart.

However, instead of coming face to face with her nemesis, MC found herself immersed in an intimate reflection of Sebastian's essence, overwhelmed by how homey it felt. The house was truly cosy, but a little small for a family in MC's opinion. But then again, it had to be remembered that Sebastian was used to small spaces, having lived in his little one-room cottage in Feldcroft for most of his life.

The living room had the charm of disarray, with stacks of well-read books scattered on the coffee table next to empty mugs, suggesting that Sebastian had not lost his messy habits. The smell of the fireplace and coffee intermingled, creating a comforting atmosphere that reflected precisely the way Sebastian always managed to put MC at ease.

MC guessed that the upstairs, which was in fact a mezzanine, must be the bedroom. She did not dare go upstairs to respect his privacy, but from the ground floor, she could see the top of bookshelves reaching up to the pointed roof, proof that Sebastian was still as thirsty for knowledge as ever.

All these little details showed MC that, although his life had evolved, the man standing a few steps away from her was still her beloved Sebastian.

Sebastian, observing MC's reactions, could not suppress a grin, "It's not much, but it's home. You can have the bedroom, and I'll sleep on the couch.”

On further inspection of the house, MC came upon the kitchen, which was open to the living room. She could not help noticing that the worktops bore the marks of failed culinary experiments. Some pans with burnt bottoms were abandoned on the counter, and dirty cutlery had accumulated in the sink. In short, the kitchen was a mess, just as Sebastian could be in other people's lives.

However, what stood out most to MC was the absence of signs of shared living. There were no visible traces of another person – no stray belongings, no indications of a partner or children. It was as if the whole house resonated with Sebastian alone, as if his whole person had become woven into the fabric of his environment.

As MC continued to stare in silence at his topsy-turvy house, Sebastian scratched the back of his neck nervously, “Don't pay attention to the shambles, please. I didn't clean up... since I wasn't exactly expecting any guests.”

Instead of reassuring him as she would have liked, MC's curiosity was quicker to take over her next words, “Where’s your wife?”

“My wife?” Sebastian frowned.

“Yes. The woman you married.” She added bitterly. Her curiosity slowly lowered its mask to reveal its true self of authentic jealousy.

He looked away, but MC could still see that he was biting the inside of his cheek to keep a straight face, “I’m flattered you think I’m charming enough to get a wife, but I’m afraid there’s still no Mrs. Sallow. Besides Anne, of course.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Sebastian chuckled at her enigmatic reaction.

“I thought the toys were for your kids…” She admitted shyly, pretty embarrassed after making so many wrong assumptions about him.

“My kids? Bloody hell, MC, you sure have high expectations for me!” Sebastian exclaimed, clearly amused by the situation. “But no, I don't have kids. The toys are for my niece.”

MC was gob smacked, eyes wide and mouth agape, “Your… niece? You have a niece? Anne had a child? Wait, did she get married? With who?”

“That’s a lot of questions.” He smirked playfully at her, while looking for a bottle in one of his cabinets. “But I think you can guess the answer to the last one.”

MC looked down at her feet, taking a moment to think, when realisation hit her like a bolt of lightning. She turned her head back to Sebastian so fast it almost gave her whiplash, “Ominis?”

“Bingo.” Sebastian replied casually, uncorking a bottle of Firewhiskey. “And he took Anne's name. He's Mr. Sallow now.”

“No way!” She gasped, letting herself fall limply onto the sofa out of utter stupefaction.

“Yes way.” He laughed wholeheartedly, sitting down next to her and pouring two glasses of alcohol for each of them.

"How? When?"

"Apparently, after fifth year, they did more than just keep in touch."

MC took her glass in hand, but did not drink from it. She had far too many questions on her mind to take the time to have a sip, "But how did they deal with Anne's curse?"

"It disappeared once you killed Rookwood, since he was the one who cursed her. Apparently, magic disappears with the caster. I learnt all this a few months after graduation, when Anne got back in touch to invite me to their wedding…”

Sebastian suddenly paused in his explanations to down his glass of Firewhiskey in one gulp.

“She wanted to invite you too… I had to explain to her that you'd disappeared without warning." He continued, looking pained, and MC suspected it was not just because of the bitterness of the alcohol.

"I'm sorry." MC winced at her own words. She was pathetic to listen to, using the most clichéd and basic phrase. But it was all she could muster to respond, because it was exactly how she felt. She was profoundly sorry. Sorry to the people she cherished the most, for abandoning them without looking back. But also sorry for herself, because she now had to accept the bitter realisation that she had been absent for so many crucial milestones of their lives.

Sebastian only shook his head, avoiding her gaze and preferring to stare at his empty glass, "Why did you do that? Why didn't you say anything? I was worried sick ‘cause I thought something bad had happened to you, that some Ashwinders were still out there, and had kidnapped you. I spent months looking for you... I'd even asked the Aurors to search for you.”

MC sipped her drink slowly, using the alcohol as a distraction from the painfully heartbreaking explanations of the man sitting next to her

“…They eventually found you overseas. In perfect health... and in perfect company so I've heard. That's when I realised that you hadn't been taken away, but had gone away of your own free will.” Sebastian poured himself another glass before throwing it back again.

“I'm so sorry.”

He scoffed bitterly, “I don't want to hear that you're sorry. It's no use. I just want to know what you were thinking when you left.”

This time, it was MC's turn to down her glass before pouring her heart out in the most honest way possible, "I just needed to get away from everything, from the past. I just wanted to start again."

Against all odds, he nodded understandingly, "Wish I could stay mad at you for it... but I won’t say that I don’t understand."

What he did next surprised MC in the most pleasant way. Sebastian reached out towards her, placing his large hand on top of hers, which was resting on the brown leather of the sofa. Even if his hand was calloused and weathered by time and experience, MC was amazed by how perfectly it fit around her own.

"What matters is that you're here now." He offered her a tender smile that warmed her heart in the most appeasing way. Only he could do that to her.

"I am." MC smiled in return, even more brightly. It was contagious. She turned her hand over and intertwined their fingers together.

As their conversation died down, MC could not help but steal a moment to observe the transformation in Sebastian’s appearance. The once-adorable teenage boy she remembered had blossomed into a handsome man. His features, chiselled by the passage of time, sculpted a strong jawline that added a touch of rugged refinement to his countenance. The shadow of a beard adorned his face, giving him a distinguished and slightly mysterious air. Sebastian's tousled hair fell with a casual elegance, framing a face that bore the subtle imprints of life's experiences, such as a scar on his eyebrow arch that MC had never seen before.

The only remaining trace of the boyish charm that MC had cherished years ago, was the constellations of freckles that beautifully decorated his face. They had always made MC weak in the knees, but the butterflies in her stomach were multiplied tenfold now that they were highlighted by his light tan.

MC internally begged herself to stop ogling him before she fell further under his spell (if that was even possible, considering how head over heels she was for him).

She poured herself another drink and cleared her throat, “You said you wanted to catch up over drinks, right? Go ahead. Tell me about yourself.”

As Sebastian spoke, MC found herself captivated by the way he carried himself – his confidence unaltered after all these years, and the assurance with which he gestured. There was an understated magnetism in the way he spoke, a reflection of the man he had become since they last parted. As he easily recounted all he had achieved, MC marvelled at the beauty of the journey that had transformed him into the person sitting in front of her.

And so, MC listened attentively, desperate to know everything she had missed about him. She thus learnt that, after Hogwarts, Sebastian had joined the Auror recruitment programme. His first reason was that it was a profession he was passionate about, and that allowed him to do what he loved all day long. The second reason – and perhaps the most important – was because he knew that this career would help him to achieve noble things. In other words, it was his way of making amends for all the mistakes he had made in the past, in the hope that Anne would eventually forgive him too (which had taken a long time, but eventually worked out).

After having been accepted into the programme, Sebastian knew that he would not be able to stay in Feldcroft, firstly because the cottage held too many painful memories, but also because it was now Anne and Ominis' shared home. Consequently, he had found himself a small studio in London, not far from the Ministry. However, even after spending several months there, it just never felt like home to him. He resented the lack of green space, and the fact that he always had to check that none of his Muggle neighbours noticed that he was a wizard. So he moved again.

Looking for a place that was both in the heart of the Highlands and still bustling with life, Sebastian found only one possibility: Hogsmeade. The small, all-wizarding village met all his expectations, and the Ministry was easy to reach thanks to the Floo Network. And so, Sebastian moved into this small cottage, perfect for his life as a bachelor.

“So Auror Sallow, huh?” MC said playfully. “Well, can Auror Sallow win a duel against Ancient Magic Prodigy MC?”

“He sure hopes he can, since it’s supposed to be his job.” Sebastian laughed along with her.

“Do you want to put yourself to the test?” She cocked an eyebrow at him mischievously.

“You know I never shy away from a duel.” He replied with the same spark of deviltry in his eyes.

Without wasting any more time, Sebastian stood up, then turned to MC, holding out his hand to help her up. It was a simple gesture, but it was enough to make MC's cheekbones turn pink, as would any act of affection she received from Sebastian.

The two took their positions, taking a few steps apart before facing each other. It had been years since they last engaged in the exhilarating dance of magical duelling, a pastime that had once defined their youth, especially after being named Crossed Wands champions for three years running.

"Ready?" Sebastian grinned, the confidence of experience illuminating his eyes.

"Always." MC replied, wand at the ready, and they prepared to rediscover the thrill that had bound them together in shared laughter and friendly rivalry.

Ever the perfect gentleman, Sebastian let MC commence hostilities.

“Expelliarmus!”

“You're off to an easy start.” Sebastian laughed after brushing the attack off with a simple Shield Charm. “Confringo!”

MC deflected the spell just as easily, smirking right back at him, “You're off to a predictable start.”

A symphony of lights ensued, as sparks and spells flew, and the air shimmered with the energy of their magical prowess. MC’s spells were fluid and controlled, a testament to the skill she had honed over the years. Sebastian, however, moved with a newfound grace and precision, his every movement reflecting the growth and mastery he had attained thanks to the Auror training.

The duelling only grew in intensity as the two friends weaved intricate spells, each trying to outmanoeuvre the other. Laughter and teasing remarks echoed through the night as memories of their youth resurfaced in the midst of their magical exchange.

After several long and intense minutes of competing against each other, Sebastian unexpectedly directed his wand away from MC, aiming instead at the ceiling, and more precisely at the chandelier hanging from it.

“Glacius!” The candles obviously failed to resist the ice and were instantly extinguished on contact, plunging the room into semi-darkness.

Distracted by the newfound refined strategy established by Sebastian – which he had no doubt learnt to put in place at the speed of light during one of his courses – MC did not notice Sebastian disappear under a Disillusionment Charm, which was all the more effective as there was hardly any light in the living room, apart from the orange flames crackling in the fireplace.

With a final, masterful flick of his wand, Sebastian cast the final blow, “Depulso.”

MC found herself propelled to the floor, her back slamming against the sofa. Judging by the underwhelming low force of the impact, it was easy to guess that he had restrained himself, so as not to hurt her.

“Looks like I've had my long-awaited revenge for fifth year. I've finally bested you in a duel." Sebastian, breathing slightly heavier but grinning ear to ear, extended a hand to help her up.

MC, refusing to admit defeat, grabbed Sebastian's hand but only to make him fall to the ground beside her. She rolled them over until she was astride him, holding him firmly down.

She grinned down at him, “Really? Because I actually think I’ve won.”

He barked a laugh, “And I think you've forgotten the rule that you're not allowed to use physical violence in a wizard duel.”

“Since when do we play by the rules?”

Their gazes met for the umpteenth time that night, but this time was different. It was as if time had come to a standstill, as if the world had momentarily stopped spinning for them, just to let them savour the closeness of the moment.

MC kept staring into Sebastian's chocolate eyes, and was truly taken aback by what she saw in them. His eyes, once full of youthful curiosity, now sparkled with a different kind of radiance. They shone with a brightness that seemed to reflect the happiness and contentment he had found in his life. The laughter lines around his eyes only enhanced their glow, and as MC looked into those bright, expressive eyes, she could not help but feel a sense of joy for the man who had evolved from the adorable teenage friend she once knew, into the confident and content individual currently lying on the ground beneath her.

In those eyes, she saw the echoes of the genuine happiness that had transformed Sebastian into the person he was meant to be, the person she should have met from the very beginning of fifth year, if only Anne had never been cursed by Rookwood.

But now Sebastian was completely fulfilled with every aspect of his life. It was as plain as the nose on his face. And the feeling was made all the clearer by the fact that his lively eyes were perfectly matched by his wide toothy grin, which shone brightly even in the middle of the darkened living room.

After eventually snapping out of her thoughts, MC pulled herself away from Sebastian and helped him straighten up, “I’m proud of you, Seb, of what you’ve become. The future Mrs. Sallow will be very lucky to have a capable man like you by her side.”

Sebastian sat down next to her on the floor, facing the fireplace, and back resting against the sofa behind them, “She’ll never be as lucky as Mr. MC will be. I hope he’ll realise he’s got the most brilliant witch of the world by his side.”

MC grabbed his arm and hugged it close to her chest, while hooking her leg over one of his. Their limbs were tangled together, clinging to each other. Sebastian seemed to have no objection to this new positioning. In fact, he seemed quite delighted as he wrapped an arm around the shoulders of the girl next to him.

“What d’you think he’ll be like, my future husband?” She asked quietly.

“He’ll have to be right for you.” He replied all too solemnly.

A small laugh escaped her, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means it has to be someone who will know how to take care of you, and give you everything you need to be happy, without a single shred of hesitation. It will be someone who's worthy of standing by your side and will be able to protect you from any danger… so basically someone who'll be able to defeat me in a duel."

"Seems like I'll be stuck with you for the rest of my life, then." MC continued to smile, but it was no longer in amusement. It was something more akin to contentment.

Sebastian mirrored her expression, "Perhaps you will. I can’t imagine it'd be too bad, would it?"

"Apart from your occasional bad temper, I think I could take it." She rested her head on his strong shoulder.

MC was not sure whether it was the fatigue accumulated from her perpetual travels, or the feeling of being in a warm, comfortable home, or even the fact of being reunited with Sebastian (it was probably all three), but her eyelids became heavy without her even realising it, leading her into a peaceful sleep.

“I'm going to celebrate Christmas at Anne and Ominis' house tomorrow. You're coming.” Sebastian declared out of the blue, without realising that the girl had started dozing off.

“What? No, Seb, I can’t do that. I can’t just barge in when I wasn’t invited.” MC mumbled groggily.

“You don’t need an invitation, MC. It’s you. You’re always welcome.” He retorted instantly, as if it was the most common fact to ever exist. “Plus, they miss you, so they’ll be the happiest people in the world if you show up.”

“I won't even have a present to give them...” She muttered like a pouting small child, which made it impossible for Sebastian to hold back a chuckle.

“You're back. Believe me, that's better than any present you could buy.”

Sebastian's fingers subconsciously started tracing invisible shapes on her arm, effectively lulling her back to sleep.

❄∗❆∗❅⁂∗☃∗⁂❅∗❆∗❄

The next morning, MC was woken by the few rays of winter sunshine that the curtains had failed to hold back. Keeping her eyes closed to enjoy a few more minutes of rest, she rolled onto her stomach and was pleasantly surprised by the feel of soft sheets against the skin of her face. But what struck her most was that she could smell Sebastian's perfume all around her, as if she were immersed in one of the bottles.

Completely enveloped by the sophisticated fusion of woody undertones and hints of vetiver, and the enigmatic charm it carried, MC opened her eyes and realised that she had indeed spent the night in Sebastian's bed. On seeing this, MC let herself think that Sebastian had slept in the same bed as her, and that perhaps, with a little bit of luck, he reciprocated her feelings.

A flutter of anticipation flickered within her, one that prevented her from staying in bed any longer. Without wasting any more time, MC descended the mezzanine stairs to the living room, where Sebastian was already sitting on the couch, Daily Prophet in hand.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Sebastian greeted her with a smile when he noticed her standing at the bottom of the stairs.

MC realised he must have been up for quite some time, for he was freshly cleaned up – the lack of stubble which had been present the previous day was testament to it – and already dressed up for the imminent Christmas reunion. He was clad in a tan windowpane shirt, coupled with a gingerbread brown vest matching his tailored pants. The choice of colours could not have been more perfect. All those shades of brown brought out all his most majestic features: his unruly yet soft hair, his freckled skin, his warm and reassuring eyes…

Sebastian was making it humanly impossible to tear one’s gaze away from his god-like appearance, and MC could not resist making a comment about it.

“Morning, handsome.” She smirked playfully back at him.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Better than ever.” MC admitted, a discreet pink tinting her cheekbones. “Just a question, though. How did I get up there?”

“I carried you, of course. Couldn't let you sleep on the floor. What kind of host would I have been?”

“And… you slept…?”

“On the couch. Just like I told you I would.” Sebastian smiled tenderly.

“Right.”

And with these few simple words, reality dawned on MC. Disappointment settled in, like a gentle snowfall dampening the warm embers of her previous hope that Sebastian harboured feelings for her.

The truth was that he had chosen the sofa over sharing the bed with her, a sign that he still viewed MC as nothing more than a friend. The girl felt her heart tug, like a reminder of why she had chosen not to be part of his life any more.

MC took a deep breath, “I'm gonna go and get ready, so we don't arrive late at Anne and Ominis'.”

“Anne likes us all to be dressed up for Christmas. We can go and buy you a dress at Gladrags, if you'd like–”

She immediately shook her head, “No, no, it's fine. Don't worry, I've got everything I need.”

MC took out her wand and pointed it at her small shoulder bag on the floor. With a simple flick, the object grew tenfold in volume until it reached the size of a suitcase. MC opened it, revealing that the bag had been enchanted to be bottomless, and she climbed inside it before disappearing. All that could be heard was the sound of her footsteps, and her bustle as she went through all sorts of outfits.

“Talk about travelling light.” Sebastian snickered.

A few moments later, MC emerged back from the suitcase as if climbing a ladder, wearing an ankle-length cotton mahogany dress. The corset hugged her waist perfectly, and highlighted her bust with its square neckline and short puffed sleeves. The dress was nothing extravagant, but the fact that it fit her like a glove was what made it so charming.

“Is this dress all right? Think it'll be nice enough for Anne?” She gave it a twirl, so that Sebastian could see it from every angle, before putting on a black cloak to protect herself from the winter cold.

“It looks great. You look great. Well, not great, actually. I mean– More like stunning. You look stunning, you do. We’re even matching. The colour, I mean. Because obviously you look better than me.” Sebastian stammered awkwardly, his cheeks tinged with a hint of shyness. “Merlin, this is awful. I need to learn to shut up.”

“It’s alright. I understood what you meant, that's the most important thing.” MC could only chuckle at his new bashfulness. She found it absolutely endearing.

Sebastian took a deep breath before speaking more clearly, “What I’m trying to say is… You're beautiful. You’ve always been.”

“Thank you, Seb.” She met his gaze, a gentle smile playing on her lips.

He tried to divert attention from his nervousness by slipping on his long black coat, and grabbing the wrapped gifts for his niece, “Ready to go?”

MC nodded in response, waiting for Sebastian to apparate them. She expected him to grab her by the arm, but instead he wrapped an arm around her waist. He brought her small figure close to him, as if he wanted to make sure that she would be comfortable during the apparition, that there was not even the slightest chance for her to get splinched.

With a loud crack, the world began to spin. Next thing she knew, MC was standing in the middle of the snowy village of Feldcroft. As she tried to right herself, she staggered slightly, dizzy from the apparition, whose effects were far more brutal when someone was doing it for you. Fortunately, Sebastian still had an arm wrapped around her waist to cradle her against him. With his other hand, he grabbed her elbow to steady her.

Once Sebastian was certain that MC was all right, he guided her towards the Sallow cottage, which she had not seen for years. From the outside, it looked much bigger than she remembered, particularly because it had an extra floor. Sebastian explained that he had helped Anne and Ominis enlarge it after their wedding, so that they would have enough room for their future family.

Sebastian was the first to set foot on the cottage porch. He hid MC behind him with his body, to create an effect of surprise, then knocked on the door. It was Anne who answered, appearing in the doorway wearing a sublime ankle-length midnight-blue velvet dress adorned with cultured pearls.

"Sebastian! I told you to buy only one present! She's going to end up spoiled rotten if this keeps up." Anne exclaimed without even greeting her brother.

"She's my only niece. Who am I to spend my money on if not her?"

"How 'bout your sister?" She raised an accusing eyebrow at him, while clearing him of all the packages in his arms.

"Ah, but I've brought a surprise for you too. Look what I found last night…" He intoned with amusement, and stepped aside to reveal MC. "A lost soul who wanted to spend Christmas alone at the Hog’s Head!"

"Oh my, MC!" Anne swiftly pulled the girl into a bear hug. "Ominis, come here!"

"What is it, sweetie?" The blond man called from afar, carrying his daughter in his arms.

Judging by the way he had stopped dead in his tracks, coming to an abrupt halt, MC knew that he had sensed her presence thanks to his sentient wand.

Sebastian decided to take his brother-in-law’s daughter off his hands, so that the two friends could reunite peacefully, "Hey, little monster! Wanna give a hug to Uncle Seb?"

Meanwhile, MC approached her old friend and spoke softly, "Hello, Ominis."

Knowing that Ominis was not very comfortable with physical contact, especially with people he did not know well, MC was not sure how to greet him. So it came as a great surprise when he made no hesitation whatsoever and took her in his arms, holding her tightly.

"I should be telling you off for disappearing... but I'm not going to. Not today." Ominis whispered in her ear.

She chuckled lightly, "I'm happy to see you too."

"Let me take your coat." He offered after pulling away.

MC untied the ribbon from her cloak, and handed it to Ominis. She then turned to Sebastian to pick up the toddler in his arms, so that he too could remove his thick winter coat.

"Hi, little princess. I'm a friend of your mummy and daddy, and your uncle Sebastian too." MC cooed in a honeyed voice. She could not help noticing that the little girl in her arms was the perfect amalgam of her two parents. She had all her mother's features, but with meadow-blonde hair and grey-blue eyes like her father.

"Unkie! Unkie!" She pouted and made big gestures with her arms to indicate that she wanted to go back to her uncle. She truly was an uncle's little girl.

"I'm here, baby.” Sebastian immediately took her back into his arms, after giving Ominis his coat, to cradle her. “You don't have to be scared of MC. She's really nice too, you know."

"Auntie?" The one-year-old asked hesitantly, reaching out to wrap her hand around MC's index finger.

"That's right, that's Auntie MC." Sebastian encouraged her. It was impressive how he naturally had his way with kids.

It may have been silly, but something as simple as being called Auntie by a child she had just met, as well as by Sebastian, awakened something in her, a sense of belonging that had been dormant for a long time. She truly felt like a fully-fledged member of this family.

Anne suddenly let out a sigh, "I'd love to be able to celebrate the reunion with you, but I've still got lots of things to do in the kitchen. Sebastian, can you look after the baby while Ominis lays the table?"

"I'll come and help you, Anne." MC declared.

"Thank you, MC. You're too kind." Anne exited the living room, followed by MC.

“So… You and Ominis, huh?” MC started once they were alone. She was sitting across from Anne at the small kitchen table which was covered in food stains from preparing the meal.

Anne immediately shook her head, “Oh, no, no. We’ll have plenty of time to talk about my marital life later. Let's talk about how you ended up here with my brother after all these years."

"We ran into each other last night in Hogsmeade. He offered me to sleep over, and we basically spent the better part of the night talking." MC shrugged.

"And?” Anne pried impatiently. “What happened?"

"Nothing. What do you want to happen?”

“Nothing. It was just a random question.” Anne replied coyly while she finished icing the Yule log. “So, update me as well. Where are you in life? Have you met anyone?”

“No, not at all. I haven't really had time for that.”

“That's a shame.”

“What – uhm – What about him?” MC did not look up from the kilted soldiers she was preparing, in an attempt to appear nonchalant. Needless to say, it was a failure.

“Who?” Anne feigned ignorance.

MC heaved a sigh, deciding to finally meet her friend's gaze, “Sebastian. Has he met anyone recently?”

Anne bit the inside of her cheek, "I think you should ask him directly."

"I'm scared it'll be awkward…"

"Well… if you want to know everything, he hasn’t courted anyone since you went away. He claims that he's not interested in dating, that he’s focusing on becoming a proper Auror first. He always finds an excuse to avoid admitting that he's already got a girl on his mind, but is too much of a coward to act upon it."

MC felt her heart skip a beat. A cold realization settled over her, making her stop everything she was doing. Her heart sank, the weight of unspoken truths pressing upon her, and she forced a tight-lipped smile, concealing the ache within as she navigated the sudden revelation that someone else was in Sebastian's heart, and it was not her.

MC swallowed thickly, "Has he known her for long?"

"Several years."

"And is she a good person? Does she treat him well?"

"He's never been happier than when he's with her." Anne admitted with a sincere smile that contrasted drastically with the unsettled look that MC was unable to disguise.

"Who is it?" She asked weakly, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.

"I fear that’s too much information, and that's not for me to tell. Just ask him."

Without another word on the matter, Anne gracefully pivoted, excusing herself to go back to the living room and announce that the meal was ready. MC took a moment to compose herself, swallowing the bitter pill of disappointment before joining the others in the living room.

Seated at the table, surrounded by the warmth of holiday decorations and the aroma of a festive feast, the four friends engaged in a pleasant chatter. The clinking of cutlery and laughter created a veneer of normalcy. They reminisced adventures from their time at Hogwarts, shared stories about their jobs, exchanged anecdotes about Anne and Ominis’s little one, and indulged in the delights of the Christmas meal.

“So, MC, what have you been up to during your travels?” Ominis asked as he had just finished feeding his daughter.

MC swallowed her mouthful of turkey before replying, “Well, you know, trying to explore the world and discover new places. Honestly, I’ve just been searching for a place that makes me want to stay, that feels like home.”

“And have you found that place yet?”

MC was silent for a moment. How was she supposed to explain that she had found this special place years ago, but had fled far away from it, just to search the world for something similar? Because if MC was willing to face the truth, she knew that her home was wherever Sebastian was.

Sebastian was her home.

It was quite ironic that he did not feel the same way about her…

“I… I’m not sure.” MC finally said.

“…Does that mean you’ll be back on the road again?” Ominis questioned again, but this time with caution.

“Yes. I leave tomorrow morning.” MC replied resolutely.

The clatter of dropped cutlery echoed like an unintentional punctuation to the tremendous silence that followed. Eyes widened, gazes met with uncertainty, and an unspoken tension pulsed through the room.

Anne was the first to break the palpable unease by raising her voice, “What? But you just came back! You can’t leave so soon.”

The next sound came from Sebastian's chair legs scraping the floor as he stood up abruptly and threw his napkin on the table, “Excuse me. I need some fresh air.”

His eyes did not meet anyone's as he left the table. Without even grabbing his coat, he stormed out of the house. The door slammed behind him and echoed through the deathly hush inside.

"What’s up with him? Did I say something wrong?" MC asked, disconcerted. She was completely unaware of the weight of her revelation, which had hit her friends like a tidal wave.

Anne huffed in irritation before shouting at her, "Of course you did, MC! You're supposed to be his best friend! Can't you see how cruel you're being to him?"

Ominis rested a hand on his wife's shoulder, "Calm down, sweetie. It's not her fault MC is dense."

"Hey!" The girl exclaimed indignantly, but Ominis ignored her.

"Let me put it simply for you, MC. We were all hurt when you left without saying a word, but Sebastian's been a complete wreck ever since. The usual cheerful Sebastian you know was nowhere to be found for years… until today. And that's only because you came back.”

“And now, you've just brutally told him that you plan to disappear tomorrow, and take his happiness with you! Again!" Anne insisted, determined to keep rubbing it in until realisation eventually hit the girl.

Fortunately, it worked quite quickly, but now MC did not know what to do with herself, "I... I didn't know that... I thought he’d just forget about me and move on."

"I thought you knew him better than that. Haven’t you yet realised that you're everything to him? Because it's more than time you do!"

“I… need to talk to him. Excuse me.”

MC, in turn, rushed out of the cottage, only grabbing Sebastian's coat in her haste.

The freezing air greeted her as she stepped outside, snowflakes landing on her hair and the bare skin of her arms. Thankfully, it did not take her long to spot Sebastian, who had moved slightly away from the house to lean against a tree, his shoulders hunched slightly against the winter chill.

She approached him slowly, but with a determined step, the snow crunching under her feet. She knew he had heard her by the way he straightened up, even though he seemed intent on ignoring her.

“Seb, come back inside. It’s freezing, you’re gonna catch your death.” She implored him, covering herself with her arms to protect herself from the icy wind.

“What’s it to you? You won’t even be there to see it.” He replied even more coldly than the weather, without even turning to look at her.

“…Put on your coat at least.” She insisted, extending it to him.

Sebastian took the coat from her, but instead of putting it on like expected, he draped it over her, so that she would not get cold. His hands lingered on her shoulders, which were now protected by the thick felt.

At last, he met her gaze, his eyes silently pleading with her, “Am I not good enough for you to stay? Not good enough for you to notice me?”

MC grabbed his wrists as if by instinct, “Seb, of course you’re plenty enough. You’re my oldest friend–”

Sebastian sighed in annoyance and pulled away from her, “But can’t you see it’s not enough for me?”

“…What?”

Sebastian reached into his pocket, retrieving a small velvet box. He had always imagined giving her this gift with a broad smile, but now he was opening the box with a rueful frown, to reveal a delicate ring.

“I wanted to give it to you a little after we graduated. I wanted to give it to you to confess my feelings. I wanted that ring to be a symbol of my devotion, and a promise to always remain loyal to you… Turned out life had other plans because you left the day I bought it.”

“Sebastian…” MC croaked out, doing her best to fight back the tears that threatened to fall as she stared at the magnificent jewel that was the poignant representation of all the missed opportunities and lost time.

"Now’s a good time to give it to you, I think. If you’re going to leave again, might as well be honest while I have the chance, before you run away like last time." He said acrimoniously as he placed the ring on her finger.

"Wha…” The shock took away MC's voice before she could even finish her sentence. Her eyes were riveted on the golden band. “What about the girl you like? Anne told me you were interested in someone."

"The girl I like?” He laughed humourlessly. “MC, I've been ridiculously and irrevocably in love with you since fifth year, since the day you kicked my arse in Hecat’s class. You literally knocked me off my feet. I know I didn't always show it well, but it's true, it's always been you.”

MC let out a pained grunt and hid her face in her hands in shame, "Oh Merlin, Seb... I've been such an idiot."

“Why?” Sebastian frowned.

“I've always loved you too. But I was so miserable thinking I'd never be anything more than your friend, that I decided to disappear to try and forget you.”

“And? Please, tell me it didn’t work.” His words came out desperate, almost begging.

She took his face between her hands, and lovingly caressed his cold cheeks, “It didn’t. How could I ever forget you? Being away from you only made me miss you more.”

His hands came down to rest around her waist, bringing her close to his body, in search of both solace and warmth, “It's all right. We're together now. You don't have to leave anymore. All's well that ends well.”

“Well… Not exactly all. You gave me this beautiful ring, and I have nothing to give you in return.”

“I finally have the witch of my dreams back at my side. I couldn’t dream of a better Christmas present.”

Suddenly, MC and Sebastian were interrupted by a cracking sound coming from above them. They looked up and saw a branch of mistletoe sprang out of thin air from one of the branches of the tree they were standing under, its delicate white berries shimmering in the soft glow of the surrounding lights.

Sebastian looked back down at MC, a playful smirk tugging at the corners of his lips, “Actually… I’ve just thought of a gift you could give me.”

The snowflakes descended gracefully around them, creating a magical scene that mirrored the fluttering emotions in their hearts. In that enchanting moment, with the world cocooned in a quiet hush, MC found the fiery courage and desire to close the thin gap between them. Their lips met in a passionate kiss, and their hearts were set alight, for the moment they had dreamt of most in their lives had finally become reality.

Out of enthusiasm, Sebastian tightened his grip around MC, with his arms completely wrapped around her petite frame, enveloping her in such warmth that she completely forgot they were both covered in snow. He pressed and secured her tightly against him, and lifted her off the ground. Out of reflex, the girl's hands travelled up to wrap around his neck to steady herself. Her fingertips grazed his soft curls, sending shivers down her spine.

Unfortunately, their winter wonderland moment was abruptly interrupted by the joyful cheers of their friends inside the house. MC and Sebastian reluctantly pulled away from each other, and turned in the direction of the commotion to see Anne and Ominis glued to the window to spy on them. The wand in Anne's hand was proof enough that it was she who had conjured up the mistletoe.

MC giggled, looking back at her boyfriend with stars in her eyes, and her hands resting in his chest, “Merry Christmas, Seb.”

“Merry Christmas, darling.” He answered softly before leaning in to steal another kiss from her.

MC sincerely hoped there would be another Mrs. Sallow other than Anne next Christmas, for she had finally found her home and never planned on leaving ever again.

❄∗❆∗❅⁂∗☃∗⁂❅∗❆∗❄

Part 2 : Christmas at Home (link)

[poppadom0912]

Would it be possible to please request a Halstead!Sibling piece where the reader is the sibling, and during the late hours of the night, they get a really heavy nosebleed, so they come out of their bedroom to Jay and Will in the living room watching some TV with a few beers, and all hell breaks loose when they see reader is covered in blood and can't get the nosebleed to stop? Thank you!

A/N: I feel like I haven't written in years so I apologise in advance if this is rubbish. I also apologise for not writing this earlier, this was requested quite a while ago.

I am also aware I have posted in nearly three months but life is very stressful. I promise I'll try posting more once all my exams are over which is technically mid June. I'll try to get out all my finished drafts so you guys aren't starving.

Warnings: Blood, fainting/nausea, mentions of hospitals.

*****

For once in a long time, things were good.

Jay was mentally handling things and was starting a relationship with his detective partner whose name you kept forgetting but you remembered how pretty she was. Will wasn't making Ms Goodwin's life miserable and he was accepting that he was moving on from Natalie. And with you, school was better than ever with your grades and no longer letting anxiety stop your life.

Overall, things were the best they've been since your dad died and you couldn't be happier.

Neither of your brothers were at work and upon your incessant pleas, the three of you found yourself settling on the same sofa watching a movie.

At some point, you had to excuse yourself when your best friend messaged you in a rush about homework that you completely forgot existed.

Ignoring the darkness of the night and the comfy pajamas you wore, you completed the homework to the best of your abilities and shared it with her when she expressed her struggle.

Eventually, you lost track of time and found yourself tucked under your duvet reading the intense story on your kindle; homework safely in a folder in your bag for the next day.

Totally immersed in the heating up plot, you were oblivious to the very clear signs that you would usually catch onto had you been much more alert.

You only ever realised what was happening when several single droplets of blood plopped onto kindle screen, obscuring you from reading any further.

Confused, you let go of the kindle, letting it sit on your covered lap, your hands went up to your face, trying to find the source of blood but deep down you kinda already knew.

Removing your fingers from your nose, you glanced down and sighed in defeat, shoulders slumping at the sight of blood coating your fingers.

Rolling your eyes in annoyance, you kicked off your sheets and scanned your bedside table for the tissue box you always kept because of you hayfever and nosebleeds like this. But, it wasn't there and that threw you off because it was literally there the other day.

Huffing, your mind drew a blank at what to do as blood continued to fall steadily but it seemed that as the seconds ticked away, the stream only increased in speed.

In hopes of not ruining the rug under your feet, you held up your shirt to your nose, using it just like how you would tissue in this case.

Then, all of a sudden, your nose felt ticklish and the urge to sneeze became all too strong that you couldn't even say pineapple to prevent yourself from sneezing.

With no control, your grip on your shirt fell and you sneezed thrice. The pain in your nose throbbing and stinging, your eyes pricking with tears from the onslaught of everything happening all of once.

You were far too gone now. Dragging your eyes to your alarm clock, it took you more than a few seconds to read the time and work out whether or not Jay let yet but then you remembered Jay wouldn't have left without bidding you goodbye.

Well, even if he had gone which he should've seeing as it was nearly 1am, Will would've been the most useful in this situation.

Opening your door with your elbow so you wouldn't get blood on the handle, you walked towards the living room even if you were in a daze. You knew the layout of the apartment by the back of your hand.

Your feet pattered against the wooden flooring, alerting the other two inhabitants of the apartment that you were entering. Taking into account the late time, Will turned around ready to question why you were up at such a time on a school night when he froze upon laying eyes on you.

"Y/N? What happened?" Will asked straight away, getting onto his feet and coming up to you, lifting your chin in his hand so he could get a good look at your face.

Jay turned around to see why Will was asking you such a question when his eyes widened in alarm at your figure, pajamas practically drenched in blood and blood smearing your nose and upper lip.

"What the hell!" Jay shot up. "Why are you covered in blood?!"

"I'm having a nosebleed." You said plainly, boredly gesturing to your very bloody nose that Will was inspecting. "Duh."

"Jay, can you go grab my bag?" Will asked the middle Halstead sibling, not once taking his eyes off you.

Without any rebuttal, Jay did as the doctor said but not without mumbling under his breath about how using manners would get people so far in life.

"I have no idea. One second I'm reading and the next I'm bleeding everywhere." You shrugged, answering Will's question. "And then I sneezed three times."

Will hummed, your chin grasped lightly in one hand while the other was held out to Jay. Will asked Jay for certain things which he was given without a second thought.

"You most likely burst a vessel when you sneezed which made it much worse." Will said so nonchalantly, not at all bothered by the blood that was staining the gloves he put on with way too much ease.

"Alright, just hold that there for a few minutes." Your oldest brother told you, letting you take over from where he was holding the gauze. "Let's sit you down but don't get blood anywhere, I cleaned yesterday."

You looked at him dumbfounded but followed him to sit down anyways, Jay scoffing in disbelief at his words.

"Wow, you love me so much." You said sarcastically, a tight lipped smile on your chapping lips as you went back and forth with snarky remarks.

"This is a lot of blood though Y/N." Will addressed seriously, looking at just how much blood was covering your pajamas. "How long have you been bleeding for?"

"Like literally two or three minutes." You gave a very rough estimation, grimacing as you actually looked at the damage on your clothes, groaning in disbelief. "Ugh, these are my favourite pjs."

"Don't worry about that." Jay said, watching you closely from behind Will's shoulder so he wasn't in the way. "You dirtied your sheets or anything?"

You hummed in thought, squinting as you tried to remember. "I got blood on my kindle but I don't know about my bed."

"I'll go check." Jay allocated himself the job, finding himself useless as Will wasn't going to remove himself from your side.

"Okay, let me take a look." Will said under his breath as he carefully took the bloodied gauze away from you so he could replace it with a new one.

It was only a few seconds period of having nothing for the blood but it seemed that it wasn't dripping as it was. Alas, the uncomfortable urge to sneeze overcame you and you found yourself overwhelmed with the need to sneeze.

Without even registering what was happening, you sneezed twice, covering your mouth with your inner elbow instinctively.

You groaned, dragging it out at the sight of blood on the sleeve of your cotton shirt. Yep, there was definitely no chance of salvaging it now.

"Ooo, okay." Will winced, being as gentle but using as much force necessary when pinching your nose. "Either you're getting the flu or your hay fevers suddenly acting up in the winter."

Your shoulders slumped against the back of the chair, tired with your bleeding nose that wouldn't stop. At this rate, you'd be up all night because of your stupid nose.

"Woah!" Jay exclaimed, freezing in his steps as he entered the kitchen, eyeing the new mess that he luckily missed out on seeing. "What'd I miss?"

"I'm going to die."

"She's not going to die."

"Jay, Will's lying." You whined like a baby, dropping your head in exaggeration. "I'm going to bleed out and not live to see either of you get married. What a miserable life."

Both your brothers rolled their eyes at your dramatic self. Sharing a knowing look, having a silent conversation with just their eyes you groaned again.

"I want black flowers at my wedding and I want Trudy to do my eulogy because at least she'll miss me." You said, starting your funeral arrangements very seriously despite what your brothers were thinking.

"Perfect, I'll go on holiday then."

"You're not going to die Y/N."

You sighed dramatically, your voice was nasally, as if you had a severe blocked nose when in reality, it was just a really bad nose bleed that you were trying to stop. "This sucks."

"Yes it does but as long as you don't sneeze or blow your nose, you'll be fine." Will said, tossing the bloodied gauze and replacing it with another, letting go when you held it on your own.

"This is going to be a long night."

[writingsforwhatever]

Part 1: Love letters to Matthew (m.s.)

summary: matt never felt the same way until he finally did.

warnings: very very slow burn. this is a long read, go get a snack! if you don't like reading, don't read it. ALSO, i have one shots based of this story. Their little moments leading up to the reader and matt confessing their feelings for each other. Let me know if you all are interested! enjoy my little bored mind.

A/N: Hi, before you continue reading this story, please be aware that I wrote this work of mine two years ago for my creative writing. It's my baby, and I hold it close to my heart. I lost inspiration for it a while back, but now I'm sharing it with the world. This is a long read because it's the entire story in two post. (Part 2 is posted). It's in no way connected or affiliated with Matt Sturniolo. I just made him the character because he fits the character's personality, and I needed to envision someone while I continued writing it, so I thought, why not?

word count: 27,231k

"If I could choose to live anywhere in the world, I would still choose to live here," she remarked, passing the bowl of Cheetos to Matt. "I mean, I could also pick a place in Sweden, somewhere in Northern Europe, but who could leave Massachusetts?"

Matt, sprawled out on the couch with the TV playing in the background, shrugged. "You could," he replied, smiling down at her. "Come on, don't be so negative. You can't possibly stay here forever."

"Why not? What's wrong with here?" She asked, standing up. She was now facing Matt, and a change of heart suddenly took hold. "I mean, I guess you're right." She flopped down next to him once more, sighing. "Do you think we'll ever fulfill our dreams and go to Europe together?"

"Of course, you idiot. We will, don't worry about it too much," he reassured her, glancing at her. It was the 19th day of December, a snowy day in the Bay State, and excitement was in the air. Airports were busier than usual, which meant one thing: Christmas was just around the corner.

September 2023

"Damn it," she cursed as she unpacked her suitcase. It was September, with summer in the process of ending and fall about to arrive. She couldn't believe her parents had thrown a "party" to welcome her back from her two-month long vacation. Before leaving, she had made it crystal clear that she didn't want any crazy shit, but it turned out that Luke had talked to her parents behind her back while she was spending time with him abroad. She glanced at the poster on her wall once again and whispered with a smile, "That idiot."

Luke.

The boy with light brown eyes reminiscent of autumn leaves, the one who swam throughout college, briefly dropped out, and then returned to college. He was the boy she met at Samantha's birthday party, the one her little cousin had a crush on - Luke.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized frantically, searching for the green tissue pack in her little bag while setting the glass of beer on a nearby table. Her white shirt was now stained with liquor, which was just great. The embarrassment of the situation was overwhelming, leaving her unable to think straight.

"No worries," Luke chuckled, clearly taken aback by the unexpected encounter. "I should've been more careful."

She handed him the tissues, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "That was so embarrassing. I'm truly sorry," she said with a sheepish smile.

"Don't worry about it. It’ll dry," he replied with a reassuring smile.

In that moment, she wished she could vanish into the ground, hoping some higher being might intervene and make it happen right there and right then.

"I’m going to miss you so much," Luke sighed, embracing her from behind.

She turned to face him, her expression softening. "Me too, but we'll see each other again on Christmas, okay?"

"That's a long time. I'll really really miss you," he admitted with a sad smile.

"Oh, shut up. You're probably tired of seeing my face every day," she giggled while still unpacking her suitcase.

"I could never. I love you too much." He chuckled, shaking his head.

"That's a nice touch," she pointed at her wall, changing the subject.

"You like it? Your mom helped me," he replied, smiling at her.

"Ya’ll are so dramatic," she chuckled.

Welcome back! – Haley, Mom, & Dad

After that fateful night in March when she met Luke, she had slowly stopped composing letters to Matthew altogether. The dynamics of her relationships with him had shifted, leaving behind a stack of handwritten words that now belonged to the past.

Matt.

Matt, with eyes as blue as a warm sunny day's sky, was someone she could lose herself in. He was the boy she loved so deeply that if her heart were torn from her chest, his name would be etched there. Matthew, the only one she had ever loved before Luke.

During the summer of ’20, she came to the realization that she had developed a crush on her best friend. On the night he drove her home, she silently prayed for God to make her feelings for him disappear. It seemed absurd; this was Matt, her very own Matt, her dearest friend in the world, and she was in love with him.

As they both grew older, she began to perceive him in a new way. He underwent changes; growing out his hair became something she loved. His height increased too. Whenever she sees him, a permanent smile adorned his face, and she found herself deeply and irrevocably in love with him. Everything he did captivated her, particularly the moment he slept on her shoulder in the car. It was ridiculous how loudly her heart throbbed at that time.

"Do you think they'll mind if it's just the two of us, Matt?" she asked, settling into the passenger seat.

"Why? We've done this plenty of times before; they'll be okay," he reassured her, quieting her with a gentle shush as he started the car.

On the day they left for LA, tears streamed down her face, staining Nick's shirt. "We'll be back for Thanksgiving, you goof," he reassured her.

No matter if it was for Christmas or her birthday, she didn’t care but the fact that her best friends were leaving at that moment weighed heavily on her. "You’re moving to the other side of the country, and I’m heading to college," she sniffled, the airport surroundings continued to add to her gloom.

Chris, empathetic, offered her a comforting a hug. "The other side of the country is crazy,” he said. "You can visit us, you know."

Her response came with a hint of frustration, "I'll be in college, Chris."

With a warm smile, Chris reassured her, “You can visit us during breaks. We're just one flight away."

She gazed at Matt, noticing his pink cheeks. "Everything's going to be okay. We'll see each other again in no time," he smiled sadly at her. She wanted to believe Matt wholeheartedly, as she always did, but deep down, she knew that things would never be the same.

August 23, 2021

Dear Matt, I miss you all so much. Mom and Dad just dropped me off at college, and my roommate, Samantha seems nice. She's from San Diego. You don't think my Boston accent is interesting, do you? She keeps saying it is, but I don't think so. I hope you're having a blast over there. I know you are. I really wish you were here. I miss you the most. Massachusetts sucks without you guys.

September 15, 2021

Dear Matthew,

I already miss you. It's funny; we just spoke on the phone, and here I am writing you a letter already. You sounded really happy, which makes me happy too. By the way, I just realized I brought Nick's shirt with me and your white hoodie too!! I didn't mention it earlier because I thought you might want them back. Haha.

Anyway, I can't wait for Fall; maybe we can visit a pumpkin patch. I know how much you love those. I'm looking forward to seeing you and everyone. Homesickness is setting in, and I miss home, especially you. I miss you the most.

P.S. Samantha thinks Nate is cute, but I don't think she’s his type.

The days went by, and she found herself missing him even more. The calls and texts lessened, she became busier, and Matt was texting her when she was at class and would reply to her when she was face down on the bed, asleep.

She struggled to admit it, but the Instagram posts featuring their new friends tugged at her heartstrings with a sense of longing. She couldn’t shake the feeling of being left out, as if life was in full swing without her presence, playing out somewhere in Southern California with her friends and the love of her life, while she sat alone at UMass, eating a sandwich in the cafeteria. She yearned to turn back time to those carefree 9th-grade days, where she’d laugh at Chris’s antics in class or when Matt and Nick would whisk her away for impromptu beach adventures.

September 28, 2021

Dear Matt,

I saw a guy today who I thought looked just like you in an ice cream shop while I was out with my friend. I think I might be losing my mind. College is going pretty well so far. Alahna sent me a snap from early 2021 last night, and it was of you getting annoyed at Nick because he had the megaphone while we were in the drive-thru. It was so funny. I thought you looked great that night, but then again, when did you ever not? Congratulations on hitting 4 million!

Oh, and does Chris have a crush on Natalie? Never mind, I'll ask him about it later. I miss you guys so much.

Years had passed since she last laid eyes on the photos that adorned the walls of her childhood bedroom. The pink and white paint of the room served as a poignant reminder of the unrequited love that had once consumed her heart.

The photos of her, Matt, and their friends playing in the snow, or the selfies Nick snapped during sleepovers when Chris and Matt would crash on the floor of Nick's room - memories she cherished dearly. The thought of past Thanksgiving gatherings tugged at her heartstrings, recalling how he'd tower over her at the table, his tender touches igniting a warmth in her skin. She loved Matt deeply, more than words could express.

October 11, 2021

Dear Matt,

I got my hair cut today. It felt weird. I was going to take a selfie to send it to you, but I got shy. I hope you're doing well over there. I heard you guys went to a party; Nick won't stop talking about it, lol.

I can't believe it's been months since I last saw you in person, even though I saw you the other day through a video call, it's just not the same... Time is flying by.

Also, Chloe just passed her driving lessons. I wish you guys were here to see it. I know she texted Nick about it, but still, I miss you, Matthew. Anyway, I'll text you later. I have this professor who's very old, and he hates late students.

She did see them on Thanksgiving, and she couldn't forget how Matt looked. Those moments made her question how she could go on with her life, knowing he was completely oblivious to her deep feelings for him. She hated herself for falling in love with him. It was a realization that left her feeling stupid.

November 30, 2021

Dear Matthew,

You looked absolutely handsome at dinner last week. I couldn't help but wonder how LA gets to see you like that every day without turning the whole state upside down. You mentioned missing me, but I'm pretty sure I missed you even more. It's odd that Mom keeps talking about how much taller you've grown, because she should have expected that. Yesterday, when you brought up about meeting a girl, my heart sank. I believe you genuinely like her. I didn't want to ask more because I didn't want to be too obvious, but I think Chris saw my smile disappear. He was kind enough not to ask about it though so it’s all good.

Why do I still miss you even when you're sleeping right beside me on the couch? It's as if you're so far away.

It was early August 2022 when she paid them a visit in California for their birthday. She could recall every detail – the weather, the ride from the airport, and the woman in his arms.

She had faced numerous challenges before, like the time she had to carry Samantha, who was far too drunk for her own good, or when Chris begged her to retrieve his backpack in subzero temperatures. However, this situation felt entirely different. As the doors swung open, she yearned to be anywhere but there – perhaps back in her small dorm room in Boston.

From within, she could hear the voices and music, the uproar of celebration and delight. Outside, the soft hum of Los Angeles traffic persisted as cars rushed by. Yet, above all else, she swore she could hear the unrelenting rhythm of her own heartbeat, as if it were the only thing keeping her grounded in that moment.

The woman was already there, wearing a warm smile, eagerly awaiting her boyfriend Matt's arrival. She couldn't help but admire Matt's taste, as in that moment, she found the woman to be stunning. With her dark blonde hair, brown eyes, and a height of 5'3, she gave off an endearing aura that she effortlessly carried with her. The woman greeted everyone with an open-hearted smile, embracing her as if they were long-lost friends reuniting after a decade apart.

"Hi! It's so great to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you," the woman's voice was flawless, yet there was a hollow feeling within her. She genuinely liked the woman and had an inkling that she would become a significant presence in their lives for quite some time to come.

Her gaze fixed on Matt, a mixture of confusion and hurt in her eyes. How was it possible that he hadn't disclosed that he had a girlfriend? Those nights when he would call her, those were the very nights she longed to be in his arms, not realizing they had already been spent with someone else.

That night was etched in her memory, a vivid recollection of the moment she had realized it was impossible for her to remain friends with him. She couldn't maintain their friendship, not while she was overwhelmed with sadness while he was immersed in happiness.

December 6, 2021

Dear Matt,

Today, I spent the day baking cookies with Haley but the real takeaway is being back in Boston and just one car ride away from you.

Weird, Nick brought up the name of the girl you're talking to, and it took me by surprise a little because you never mentioned her to me. I could sense Chris was giving me the stare, like he knows something, but that's just Chris, right?

It was a scene she had seen countless times before, both in movies and in real life – the clichéd tale of falling in love with your best friend and the inevitable heartbreak that followed.

There he sat, a picture of handsomeness in the midst of the kitchen, so immersed in what he's doing that he only noticed her staring when he looked up and playfully asked, "Any boys I should know about?" She chuckled, finding Matt's question entirely characteristic of his random sense of humor.

"No one, Matt," she replied, rolling her eyes with a smile. Inside, she thought, "It's only you. It was only ever you."

"I find that hard to believe," he said, casting a shy glance her way, his smile never wavering.

She pressed, "And why is that?"

"Because you're..." he started, his voice trailing off, leaving the unspoken feelings hanging in the air between them.

"…because you're amazing. You're good at baking cookies and-"

"Please, shut the fuck up, Matthew," she blushed, looking away.

"It's true! Ask Chris. He thinks you have a college boyfriend you’re not telling us about," he defended himself.

"Well, Chris is stupid," a small frown appeared on her face.

"Hey, I heard that!" She looked toward the boy sitting on the couch in the living room. "Shut up, Chris, Nick is sleeping."

She was standing over the kitchen counter, finishing the gifts she had prepared for her cousins and parents. She rolled her eyes, feeling a bit exasperated. "You're all so dramatic; I'm trying to do something here, fucks sake.”

"Let me help you with that. I'm almost done with this," Matt offered, standing beside her. His proximity alone nearly sent her into a frenzy.

He was incredibly touchy with her, and it only added to the intimacy of their connection. His frequent and intimate touches with her left her in a state of confusion. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was normal for best friends to share such physically intimate moments like this.

"You're terrible at this," he chuckled.

"Whatever Matt," she grumbled, continuing to tape the wrapper.

He leaned even closer, almost putting his entire weight on her. "Matt, you’re so annoying! Get off me," she exclaimed.

Years later, she learned that Chris had glanced at them, shaking his head in bemusement, and thinking about how oblivious his brother Matt was to her feelings. Chris couldn’t help but realize how deeply in love she was with his brother, even if she had never voiced it. She didn’t need to, Chris thought.

August 2022

She felt stuck in place. In that moment, she felt like time had frozen. Her feet glued to the ground.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks - he had a girlfriend, all this time, and no one had told her. It was a profound sense of betrayal and feeling forgotten, it didn't matter that their relationship is just starting, she had loved Matt for years!

It was as if she wasn't worthy of knowing this crucial piece of information about the person she had secretly loved for so long, even though he didn't know he was the love of her life. The waves of emotion threatened to make her sick, but she managed to maintain her composure.

Chris remained by her side throughout the entire party, his friendly nudges and conversation attempts providing a comforting presence. "You know, I still can't believe you're here," he remarked, genuine surprise in his voice. "It's only been a couple of months, right?"

"Only a couple of months, Chris," she confirmed, her gaze fixed on her drink.

"I missed you so much. We all did. It felt like forever since the last time I saw you," Chris continued, offering a playful smile.

She managed a smile in response, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. She kept her thoughts to herself, silently yearning for the familiar comforts of Boston, even though it no longer felt like home. In truth, nothing felt like home as long as Matt was in the arms of another. Chris could see through her facade. He understood the reason behind her dull mood, realizing it was linked to the presence of two specific individuals in the room. However, he respected her feelings enough not to confront her about it here and now, choosing to let her navigate her emotions in her own time

The days seemed to stretch on, with summer taking hold. Matt's girlfriend had flown back home to Florida, they were back to their old routine, but her heart couldn’t forget the feelings she had buried deep within.

They drove her to their favorite restaurants and shops in L.A., but the nagging ache in her heart persisted. With her pretending to enjoy the days while ignoring the sinking feeling that gnawed at her treacherous heart, she tried to be as cheerful as possible before her return to the East Coast.

Until one particular car ride with Nick and Chris temporarily absent and inside Ralph's, she couldn't keep her feelings bottled up any longer and decided to have a heart-to-heart with Matt. It was a brief respite from the facade of happiness she had been trying to maintain.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It all happened so fast," he said, his eyes pleading for her to meet his gaze.

She cut him off, "It doesn't matter, Matt. I guess I just felt really sad that you didn't tell me. I'm your best friend, for heaven's sake." She fought back the urge to cry, keeping her emotions expertly concealed.

"I'm sorry, okay? It all happened in a whirlwind, and suddenly, you were on a flight from Boston to L.A.…," he trailed off. "Plus, I wanted it to be a surprise." He sheepishly smiled.

"God, Matt," she whispered, genuinely taken aback by the revelation.

She continued, "It's okay, it's all in the past now. I was surprised, no doubt."

She smiled, rolled her eyes, and forced a lighter tone into her voice. "So, tell me about her. Where did you guys meet?"

He chuckled, sensing that things were somewhat getting back to normal, but it was never quite the same, she thought to herself.

The night before she left for Boston, they drove and explored the city once more, just the two of them. Chris seemed too tired to join, and Nick had editing work to do.

"I wanted to take you here. It's one of the best viewpoints in L.A.," Matt explained, his excitement palpable.

"What, Griffith Park?" she replied, laughing. "You mean the spot from GTA, right?"

"Yeah, exactly. We used to play that game, remember?" he smiled down at her, feeling nostalgic.

How could she forget?

After several minutes of driving, Matt parked the car, and a heavy silence hung between them, no one seemingly wanted to step out. "Thanks for spending your summer here. It means a lot... That you're here," he expressed, looking at her with his blue eyes that shone through the Los Angeles darkness, seemingly even brighter than the city lights.

"Of course, anything for you guys," she replied, breaking their eye contact, and shifting her gaze to the dashboard in front of her. How could he do this to her? How could he not know? She wished she could freeze this moment in time, his face looking so soft in the gentle glow of the traffic lights. His tired eyes and tousled hair that had always made her heart leap and now, she felt like she could cry right there; she loved him so much and he didn’t know. She also wished she could tuck this memory away in the pockets of her thrifted yellow dress.

Tonight felt different, marking the end of summer, and they were both a year older. They weren't 19 anymore, and yet, she remained deeply in love with him.

~

Nicolas Sturniolo was a smart man, and his brothers secretly admired him for it, even if they would never openly admit it. Of course, he noticed the lingering glances she directed at Matt but never said anything. Nick believed that Matt had informed her about his girlfriend months before she arrived in LA but was shocked upon learning that his brother didn't. That explained the sudden change of mood he'd seen with her at the party.

The older brother had always had an inkling about it since they were young, ever since Matt hadn't asked her to prom. He remembered how she had waited for Matt to notice her new hairstyle, and when Matt already did compliment her, Nick swore he saw her smile so big it could light up the entire school that day. Nick thought his brother Chris was dense, but Matt was on a different level.

He had brought up the subject with Matt once, while they were in line at TSA, just before a flight to California, a mere 7-hour journey away. "You do realize she's in love with you, right?"

"What?" Matt's brows furrowed; genuine confusion etched on his face.

"Come on, Matt. We all know she's had a crush on you since high school," Nick exclaimed, adjusting his backpack.

"That's not true, Nick," Matt responded, shaking his head in disbelief. He found the idea ridiculous.

"Whatever, Matt. You guys are both stupid. I see the way you look at her, and I see how she looks at you. What's holding you back?" Nick shrugged.

"Because we're just friends, Nick? Can't two people of the opposite sex be friends?" Matt retorted, feeling exasperated.

"Okay, Matt, we get it," Chris chimed in, adding his two cents. "We're just telling you what we see."

As Nick appeared impatient and tired of the conversation, and Chris pretending to not care, Matt pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

December 18, 2021

The sight of you on my porch brought me immense happiness. Dad was yelling, which woke me up, and he said you guys were at the front door. Honestly, that pie was incredible; I couldn't believe you three made it.

I wanted to thank you for joining me today. I understand you're not a fan of walking in the snow, but I loved every moment of it.

Christmas is just around the corner, and it's only a matter of days now.

I often wonder if you notice how frequently I steal glances at you whenever I have the chance.

As I sit here writing this, I’m looking at the Christmas gift I got you. It's a necklace. It might seem cliché, but I genuinely hope it brings a smile to your face whenever you see it.

~

She held onto the memory of that day, those tense days after learning he had a girlfriend and before the car confrontation.

"Are you planning to sleep on the couch?" Matt asked.

"I am," she stubbornly insisted.

"Come on, you're our guest; you can sleep in my bed," Chris mumbled with a mouthful of chips.

"And have you sleep here on the couch? No way, Chris," she replied firmly.

Nick chuckled, watching Matt's obliviousness. How could his brother not realize that she was upset with him?

"Alright, then we'll both sleep in my bed," Chris suggested, glancing at Matt for his reaction.

Matt was puzzled. They always shared his bed, so what was the issue now?

Snatching the blanket Nick had given her, she hurried downstairs to reach Chris's room.

Matt's jaw hung open. "What did I do?" he mumbled, frowning at his brothers.

Nick shook his head, grinning. "I'm off to bed. Matt, quit being stupid."

"What?" Matt looked to Chris for answers. Chris shrugged, "I guess she just wanted to sleep in my bed tonight, Matt."

"But-"

"Goodnight, Maaaatt," Chris sang, leaving Matt bewildered and hurt.

"But she always sleeps with me," he whispered to himself, still trying to make sense of the unexpected change.

Lying in Chris's bed that night, she silently yearned for divine intervention. Avoiding eye contact with Matt as she passed by him on her way downstairs, she couldn't ignore the confusion and hurt etched across his face. Deep down, she desperately wanted to pull him into a hug and tell him that things were alright.

It was unusual for her to sleep in Chris's bed, given that she always slept in Matt's, so the sudden change had caught Matt off guard. She was aware of it, but at that moment, her anger towards him outweighed her care.

Earlier that day, Madi had teased her about her apparent coldness toward Matt when they were getting tacos in Melrose. It seemed that everyone had noticed her subtle avoidance of his touches and comments, leading to hushed discussions among their friends.

She was also certain that Chris was a light sleeper. He didn't snore, but he definitely woke easily.

"Couldn't sleep?" Chris whispered, turning to face her.

"Yeah, too much on my mind," she replied, exhaling wearily.

The stillness of the night, combined with their exhaustion, allowed for a comforting silence to settle between them. A beat passed, "Why don't you just tell him?" Chris suggested, his voice barely audible. She couldn't see her best friend, but she sensed the sadness in his gaze.

"Tell him what, Chris?" she deflected, shutting her eyes.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know? You might fool my stupid brother but you can’t fool me and Nick," he remarked, adjusting himself under the covers.

Silence descended once more, but this time, it felt oddly reassuring knowing that one of her closest friends was aware.

"It doesn't matter. He would shut me out."

"No, he won't. He genuinely cares about you, and you know it," Chris assured her. While Chris might not be privy to his brother Matt's true feelings, whether he reciprocated them or not, one thing was certain: Matt cared deeply for her, more than she could ever comprehend.

"It's also different now that he has a girlfriend. I don't think she'd appreciate me sharing a bed with her boyfriend. It's more about respect," she added.

Chris disregarded her attempt to change the subject and pressed on, "Matt loves you, bro. If he ever shuts you out for telling him how you feel, then he's an idiot. You have me and Nick by your side forever. If you never tell him, you'll never get the chance to express your feelings."

“You guys should talk.” He added.

"I don't think I'm ready, but I'll think about it," she replied, her exhaustion evident in her voice.

Chris nodded, even though she couldn't see him. He understood the weight of the emotions she was carrying.

"Of course, at your own pace."

"Chris?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, kid."

In the quiet of that night, as dreams and sleep intertwined, she found solace in the knowledge that Chris, her closest friend, understood the depths of her emotions. It was a small source of comfort amid the uncertainty that had clouded her heart.

As they both drifted into slumber, she imagined a future where everything would fall into place, where she could openly express her feelings to the boy upstairs. In the warm embrace of their Los Angeles home, she held onto the hope that the friendship that she shared with Matt would weather these feelings she has for him.

January 10, 2022

Dear Matt,

I have to say, you can be pretty stubborn. I warned you not to visit me and bring me food because I’d probably end up puking it all out (eww), and now you’ve gone and caught the cold too. Now everyone’s infected!

 But you know what? You bringing me food made my heart leap, I’m pretty sure you know how to make me fall in love with you even more. Nick texted me earlier that he and Chris have lost their sense of taste because of Covid, but you seem to be fine already so you’re making them try different drinks.

I’m feeling a lot better now and I’ve tested negative for Covid, thankfully. Still, I’m dreading the day I go back to school. Ugh.

Alahna mentioned about wanting to visit you guys, but I know deep down she just wanted to see Chris. Haha.

Just so you know Matt, I love you. I think you probably know that already, but I wanted to say it anyway here.

She was certain that Matthew Sturniolo was going to be the death of her. The mischievous boy had cornered her against the kitchen counter, removing the chocolate residue that Nick had playfully smeared across her forehead. It was a sticky, gross mess, but Matt was attentively cleaning it up with a wet face towel. And there he stood, in all his splendid glory – tall and handsome. Nick and Chris's laughter in the background only intensified the fluttering of her heart.

"There, all gone," he confirmed, a warm smile gracing his features, the kind of smile that always had the power to weaken her knees.

"You're such an idiot, Nick," she scowled, avoiding Matt as she walked toward the center of the room.

"What? It kinda suits you," Nick replied, and the hearty laughter of Chris and Matt filled the room.

She flashed a playful smile. "Whatever. Are you guys ready to go?" she asked, her impatience showing.

The car ride proceeded as usual, with Matt behind the wheel and Chris in the passenger seat, en route to Chloe's house for a swim and to meet their other friends. The broken AUX meant the soft tunes of the radio filled the air, harmonizing with the breezy Boston weather.

"Matt, if you don't put me down, I'll kill you!" she screamed.

"Come on, it's not that serious," he laughed, making his way towards the pool.

"I don't care! Seriously, Matt, don't do thi-" But before she could finish her sentence, she found herself submerged in the pool.

"You're such an asshole," she grumbled, retaliating by splashing water at him. He chuckled and swam away.

A few feet away, Chris was engrossed in conversation with Nate about an Amazon package he had ordered, while Nick sat nearby, casually nodding and occasionally chiming in.

When she turned her attention back to Matt, he quickly splashed water on her face again. "Stop it. I mean it," her voice carried a trace of laughter.

"Okay, okay." Matt gazed at her for a moment, his smile fading.

"What?" she grumbled, feeling a twinge of self-consciousness under his gaze.

"Nothing. You're just really pretty," he said.

Moments like this only added to her confusion about where she stood in his life. Her heart skipped a beat, and she was momentarily taken aback, but she was swift to respond and hide her feelings. "Yeah, pretty annoyed at you," she said, pinching her nose to hide the forming blush.

Matt shook his head, a warm chuckle escaping his lips. He decided not to delve further into the matter. Why was he acting like this?

They lingered at the pool for a few more minutes. Matt's intimate touches making her melt, and his constant glances at her lips only added to the simmering heat of the Massachusetts summer.

The ride back home was interesting, she couldn't ignore the flutter of anticipation mixed with uncertainty that had settled in her heart. The day had been filled with subtle gestures and flirty remarks, leaving her wondering if their friendship was tiptoeing towards something more.

That night, when everyone had returned to the boys' home and a drowsy Matt lay beside her, she allowed herself to sleep soundly, knowing that something was undeniably changing between them.

February 3, 2022

Dear Matt,

I watched with Sam your new video. Chris mentioned about a little dinner you guys will have later, I’m so sad. I wish I was there. Anyway, Nick is Sam’s favorite. I couldn’t help but agree. Haha.

I know you’re busy with like stuff there and me too. My professors are killing me with these projects and assignments, also, I learned matcha helps with anxiety. I’ll have you taste it next time we see each other.

Also, you keep asking me why I’m sad, I didn’t think you would notice. How do I tell you, Matt, that the reason I’m sad is because I love you?

March 14, 2022

It has been so busy lately, oh my god. I lost my trusty pen because we moved dorms, but it’s all good now. I got so much work to do with finals coming up as well.

Anyway, I saw your tiktok with Nick today. You looked really cute with the Eeyore shirt, and I’m glad you’re still wearing that necklace I gave you last Christmas.

I miss you Matt. I’ll text you later when I’m done with class.

The car ride to IHOP proved to be quite intriguing, to say the least. Chris had evidently concocted a few surprises before their departure to California and before Spring break came to an end, forcing her to return to Morrissey Blvd.

Matt seemed unusually cheerful that day, expressing his desire to take her out, as well as everyone back home, for a little treat.

In that moment, it almost felt like things were back to the way they used to be. She occupied the passenger seat, engaged in a playful argument with Chris over control of the aux cord. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Matt, his amusement evident as he fought the urge to break into a broad smile.

As Nick and Chris hurried to enter the house after Matt had parked the car at their Somerville home, he prevented her from getting out. Matt fixed his gaze on her, a gentle smile dancing across his face, as he softly uttered, "I really missed you."

There he was again, stirring emotions within her, clouding her thoughts. "Me too," she responded shyly.

"Truth is, I wanted to spend the day with you, alone," he admitted, rolling his eyes playfully. "But I couldn't say no to them."

"That's okay."

A brief silence settled between them.

"What's on your mind, Matt?" She furrowed her brow, sensing that he had something he wanted to say something.

"Nothing. I'm just happy I'm home..." He trailed off, his voice carrying a hint of longing. "Seeing you, being here... with you."

Inside, she silently pleaded with him, "Don't do this to me, Matt. Don't say these things and expect me not to fall in love with you."

"Why? Has LA not been treating you well?" She pressed.

"No, no, LA's great," he replied, offering a smile before shifting his gaze towards their small garage at home.

"What is it?" she whispered softly, just loud enough for him to hear.

"I really don't know," he confessed.

Meeting his gaze once more, she couldn't help but smile. "Okay, then tell me once you've figured it out." She chose to lighten the mood, knowing that he was dangerously close to unraveling her with those looks he kept giving her.

April 8, 2022

Dear Matt,

Today you asked me what I want.

to be with you, that’s all I want.

September 2023

When Luke left for the San Diego, she looked around her room.

She gazed at the framed photo that hung beside her closet. In the picture, she and Matt were watching a movie, and slowly, they had leaned on each other. As they grew more comfortable, she had briefly considered adjusting her posture, but she couldn’t resist a sleepy Matt. The next thing she knew, his arms were wrapped around her, and they were nestled together, fast asleep. Neither of them had acknowledged it, but Nick had managed to sneakily capture a photo of them when he woke up at 4 a.m. to turn off the living room lights.

A bittersweet feeling loomed over her. She remembered the day all too well. With his mom waking them up for waffles and before things took a turn for the worst.

May 13, 2022

Hi Matt,

Only a few more months till I visit you guys in L.A. I’m kind of nervous but Chris assured me that everything would be fine.

I’m also excited to meet Madi, Nick said she’s nice, so I feel like we’ll get a long pretty well.

Everyone around them can see how much they love each other, from her mom and his mom to her dad, her sister, and even the entire Sturniolo family, including their grandmother. But a silent understanding prevailed; no one uttered a word about it. Perhaps they were all waiting for the day when Matt and her would finally act on their feelings. That's why when Luke entered the picture, it took everyone by surprise. Her mom, Elizabeth would drop hints about Matt’s brothers, mentioning that she saw their mom at the grocery store, and asks about Justin's new girlfriend, in which were all met with her silent nods. From behind her, her parents shared a knowing look.

Luke was the safe choice. He didn't make her feel like she had to beg for his love. He was dependable, polite to her parents, adored by her cousins, and fulfilled all the checkboxes of what she needed. He was unafraid of public displays of affection, and constantly tells that he loves her. Luke wasn't bothered by the story of her intimate friendship with Matt; he remained indifferent.

As time passed, the difference between Matt and Luke became more apparent. Luke, with his warmth and openness, brought stability and security to her life. Their relationship flowed smoothly, and the world seemed to accept them as a couple without question.

Yet, the blue-eyed boy who had once held her heart had an uncanny ability to infiltrate her thoughts. No matter how much she had tried to move on and embrace this new love, Matt remained an enigma. He was the unspoken part in her life, a book she couldn't close. She always wondered if he ever thought about her as she did about him.

It had been a few months since she had made the choice to be with Luke, months of happiness and contentment. But the heart has a way of keeping secrets, and hers held a special place for the blue-eyed boy in Los Angeles.

June 9, 2022

Dear Matt, two more months! God, I’m so over these classes, I swear. Samantha got really drunk two nights ago, it was so funny. I should’ve taken a video but whatever. Mom called me earlier today asking for my flight details, I guess she’s as excited as me.

July 16, 2022

Summer is finally here! I mean, it's been here for a while, but I'm looking forward to seeing all of you for your birthday next month. You better bring me to the thrift shops Nick was talking about the other day in the call.

August 17, 2022

I still can't quite believe you never told me about her. So, she was the girl Nick mentioned the last time you guys went home.

I couldn't help but notice the way you looked at me, and how I instinctively recoiled when she introduced herself. How did I not know? And why does she seem to know so much about me when I didn't even know her name?

Chris tried to console me that night, and I appreciated it. I also noticed how Nick was glancing at me, likely gauging my reaction to it all.

Matt, you don’t know what I’d give to stop being in love with you.

As the months passed, the girlfriend revelation of Matt was soon forgotten. She became increasingly immersed in college life. While Matt would text her from time to time and they would occasionally have video calls with Nick, she learned to accept the way things were. She had to make a conscious effort to push aside the memory of that night in Griffith Park when they had laughed and hugged, with her secretly gazing at his face and him giving her that look she adored. She came to the realization that if this was how things were going to be, she would be happy for him, even if it meant breaking her own heart. She contemplated Chris's words, but they didn't matter; what mattered was that Matthew was happy, and that's all she cared about. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about it too.

Matt was a private person, subtly posting little reminders of his girlfriend, but it didn't escape her notice how much it hurt her heart.

The longer she suppresses her emotions, the easier it seems, she believes. Suddenly, seven months have passed since that fateful night in LA, and March ‘23 is approaching steadily. Deep down, she's aware that she hasn't been honest with herself throughout this entire period, but she resigns herself to the reality of the situation. It is what it is, and she's compelled to carry on, masking her true feelings.

September 20, 2022

Dear Matt,

It's been a month since that night in LA, and Chris has never brought up our conversation again. I trust him. Life has felt quite mundane lately. I still have my moments, but I'm doing okay. I'm trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I suppose I felt betrayed, you know?

Yesterday, Chloe and Alahna came to visit, and we ate burgers. When I finally admitted my feelings to Alahna, I broke down. She told me she had always known I was in love with you, and with Chloe agreeing, both of them sharing the same sentiments, it left me wondering just how oblivious you can be.

October 5, 2022

Dear Matt,

I don’t know why you look at me that way, as though you could genuinely love me, even though deep down, I know you don't, and I know you won't.

Nick mentioned your plans for a trip to Florida to visit her. I tried to convince myself that it wouldn't hurt, but my own curiosity led me to check her Instagram. It was a mistake. I stumbled upon a photo of you two kissing on the beach, and I felt like such a fool for thinking this was something I could handle. I ended up in tears, obviously, poured my heart out to Samantha. I desperately wanted to forget, to stop these feelings.

I truly did try not to love you.

I really did.

November 3, 2022

"You know I hate these types of parties," she grumbled. "Do I even look good?"

"Girl, please, you look good every day," Madi assured her.

The night was still young, and everyone was on their way to this party the boys had been invited to. Chris was practically bouncing in the front of the car, and Matt, always effortlessly handsome, drove with calm and cool confidence.

Nick tried to comfort her. "You'll be fine. They're actually nice."

But she tuned out Nick's words as they entered the venue. The booming music only heightened her nervousness amid the lively crowd.

When Nick, Madi, and Chris entered the party, she found herself walking closely beside Matt. He was well aware of her uneasiness at these kinds of gatherings. With a gentle touch on her lower back, Matt guided her towards a group of people. Leaning in, he whispered into her ear, his face mere inches from hers, and for a moment, it felt like they were the only two people in the entire party. "You look really good tonight. Don't worry too much. I'm here."

A thought crossed her mind – he's such a flirt without even realizing it.

Under the party's red lights, his lips looked incredibly inviting. If only he didn't have a girlfriend living across the country, she might have kissed him. Of course, that's only if he wanted to kiss her too.

She sighed, as the party continued to buzz around them and the night progressed, surprisingly, she found herself genuinely enjoying the evening, engaging in conversations with Madi. However, she couldn't help but notice that Matt kept stealing glances at her. Fueled by newfound confidence, she walked up to him. "Hey, stranger," he greeted her with a smile, her savoring the sight of that familiar grin.

She could feel his warmth. "Shut up, Matthew. I'm so hot right now; you guys weren't kidding about Los Angeles being intense."

"You are hot, sweetheart."

"Yeah, this leather jacket Madi lent me—"

"No, I don't mean your outfit."

Before she knew it, their faces were inches apart, his eyes locked onto her lips. This was it, she thought. He was going to kiss her. After all those years of pining for him, the past didn't matter anymore. What mattered was now.

He was driving her crazy. And then it happened – he kissed her, and the world stopped. Their lips met in a passionate, consuming kiss. Sure, she had kissed boys in high school, but this was different. This was Matt. She could feel his hands on her neck and waist, his lips following hers when she needed to breathe. This was how it was supposed to be, she thought, her lips on Matt's. Her best friend, the boy she had loved since they were 18, kissing her beneath the Los Angeles night sky. As their lips remained locked in a passionate kiss, she felt an electric charge surge through her. All the inhibitions, the uncertainties, and the fear of what might follow were momentarily forgotten. All that mattered in that heart-pounding moment was the taste of Matthew Sturniolo on her lips, a forbidden but intoxicating sensation she had yearned for since they were teenagers.

“Five years of friendship flushed down the drain just so I could know what Matthew Sturniolo tastes like.” (Ifykyk. This is one of my favorite lines from a book!!)

When their lips brushed again, a soft moan threatened to escape her swollen lips, and her head began to swim with desire.

"Oh my god," she muttered senselessly, her mouth still locked with Matt's.

His touches ignited a fire within her, the heat of his mouth overwhelming her senses.

"Fuck," he breathed, pulling away from her and running his hands through his unruly hair. "Fuck, I shouldn't have done that."

Her stomach sank as embarrassment washed over her. She didn't speak for a moment, still reeling from the intensity of the kiss. "I'm sorry."

"No, I—" He choked on his words. Horror painted his expression as he struggled to make eye contact with her. "I shouldn't be kissing you."

His internal conflict was palpable, and the emotions on his face left her feeling utterly perplexed. They were both breathless, caught in a state of shock. She was about to cry when Chris walked in with a cup full of soda.

"Are you guys ready to go? Nick's about to beat a bitch up-" Chris asked laughing, seemingly oblivious to what had just transpired. "What happened, Matt?"

A concerned look began to appear on Chris’ face as he assessed the aftermath of the situation.

"Just let it go, Chris," Matt muttered, looking at the ground.

"Let's go," she insisted, taking quick strides past Chris to find Nick and Madi, eager to get away from the confusing situation and head back home. Meanwhile, Chris tried once more, his voice hushed as he approached his brother. "What happened, Matt?" Seeing Matt in such a shocked state had him deeply concerned and worried about his brother.

November 29, 2022

I never should have visited again and allowed you to kiss me the way you did because I couldn't stop thinking about it afterward. The pure shock and regret in your eyes were enough to shatter me into pieces. We never discussed it when we got back to your house. Chris, with his knowing glances, probably figured it out, and I know you told him but thankfully, he didn't press the issue. The morning after was just as uneasy; you didn't come out from your room until 4 pm. Nick was concerned, but I was too nervous to say anything, feeling like a colossal mistake that had happened.

But I knew, when you looked at me to say goodbye at the airport, that I was hoping it meant even a fraction as much to you as it did to me.

We didn't speak for two weeks following that day, but today you sent me a text saying you were sorry. Our conversation resumed, but neither of us mentioned it again. I didn't ask if you had told her; that was none of my business.

You have to understand, Matt, that before you kissed me, I was always yours, if only you had looked closely enough to see it.

Christopher Sturniolo had never appeared shocked in his entire life. It was as if the heavens had granted him this shocking revelation.

Nick's voice echoed, "Okay, what the hell happened between you two at that party? You've been moping for days, and you didn't even take out the trash when I asked you to!"

"We kissed!" Matt lashed out at Nick. “Happy now, Nick?”

"Oh, shit. This is good. I mean no, this is bad, you have a girlfriend," Chris winced.

Matt's thoughts raced to Florida. His girlfriend’s going to be furious.

"I know," he muttered, feeling a headache coming on.

Days had passed since they dropped her off at the airport and her departure making Matt more confused as ever.

He groaned, unable to believe he had allowed that situation to unfold. He had also been ignoring her.

"Get your shit together, Matt. Seriously, you can't just kiss her and pretend it didn't happen!" Nick's frustration was too intense for Matt's liking.

"This is bad, Matt," Madi's voice sounded small as she contemplated the situation, her thoughts divided between the girl in Florida and the other one in Boston. This was undoubtedly going to be a messy affair, she thought.

Their comments offered no solace to Matt's torn heart, a whirlwind of suppressed feelings from his teenage years. He didn't genuinely regret the kiss, but he had a girlfriend, someone good who trusted him, and he had shattered that trust by succumbing to his feelings for his best friend.

"Okay, okay, Matt, breathe," Chris tried to comfort his brother.

"I can't do this," Matt said, standing up in frustration. "Let's not talk about this again. It's too much."

He stormed off and slammed his bedroom door shut, leaving Nick, Chris, and Madi in stunned silence.

"I don't understand why he just won't admit that she's always been it for him?" Madi questioned, her gaze shifting between the two brothers.

"Because he's an idiot, Madi," Nick replied, his annoyance evident in his tone.

The situation was complicated, and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was playing with fire. His relationship with his girlfriend was hanging by a thread, and the unspoken tension with his best friend was driving him to the brink of frustration.

Matt knew he had to make a choice, a decision that could alter the course of his life. The pain of knowing he had hurt someone he cared about and the fear of losing the person who had been his confidant for years weighed heavily on him.

He was at a crossroads, and there was no easy path to take. He couldn't escape the truth, unsure of where his heart truly belonged.

December 20, 2022

Dear Matt,

It seems like things have returned to normal. Nick has stopped bombarding me with constant texts, asking if I'm okay, and Chris's late-night calls have ceased. I heard you broke up with her, I know you'd never share all the gritty details with me, but it probably was for the best. I can't help but feel like a terrible person for playing a role in your relationship's downfall. Alahna said it wasn’t my fault, but I feel like she’s just saying that, you know? I can't shake this feeling, I keep thinking I wasn't worth the risk. But then, you had a girlfriend at the time, so I understood. You'll have to forgive me, because I've never stopped thinking about that night since you kissed me.No one will ever be able to knock the wind out of me again. Not like that, not like you, Matthew.

January 2023

Matt clung to the familiar comforts of their Boston home, the very thought of remaining in the same bed that had cradled him in warmth and surrounded by the cherished memories of his childhood with his brothers offered solace to his melancholic heart.

Despite the fact that it was only the second week of January, the jarring noise of Nick's suitcase scraping against the floor downstairs served as an unwelcome reminder of the imminent reality awaiting him in just two days.

He yearned for the days before their move to California when life was different. He pined for the crisp, cold embrace of winter and the warm, welcoming smile she had for him whenever she would visit. Without a doubt, summer was his least favorite season.

Three days ago was her birthday, yet she was still in Nantucket, enjoying a vacation with her family. She texted him just two hours ago, explaining that she would be busy exploring the place with her aunt.

He had also gifted her a necklace, a token of their shared memories, as she had once given him last Christmas ago. The necklace was a heart-shaped silver pendant, a symbolic representation of his heart. He had chosen it with such devotion that Chris had teased him, saying he was like choosing an engagement ring. Matt silently agreed, but the truth was, he couldn't forget that night, the kiss they had shared, and how she had looked painfully beautiful beneath the soft, dim lights of the party.

His mom offered a comforting hug upon their arrival from the airport; Nick had probably told her over the phone about what had happened last November. As he looked around, everything had changed, yet he always felt the same.

He noticed it, as did everyone else, when Alahna and Nate visited; she didn't come. She was distant, and he couldn't help but feel guilty. It was all his fault. He had kissed her and pretended it didn't happen, only offering a sorry that didn't even comfort his own heart. Matt couldn't help but recall the conversations he had with his brothers late at night, in the car, about her being in love with him. Had he been so foolish not to notice the longing glances she directed his way?

It was four days after Christmas when he finally got up and entered Chris's room, the brightly lit space giving him a headache.

He found his brother scrolling through his phone, stress evident on Matt's face.

"Wow, you look like shit," Chris said, looking up. "What's going on? Nate has been bugging us to go to his house. Apparently..."

"Chris," Matt whispered, frustrated.

Chris leaned in, his concern evident in his eyes. "What's eating at you, Matt?" Matt had now settled on his bed, his legs touching Chris's sock-covered feet.

Matt sighed heavily, his emotions bubbling to the surface. "It's her. Something's not right, and I can't ignore it anymore. I kissed her, and then I acted like it never happened. I gave her this weak apology that didn't even begin to cover it. Now she's distant, and I can't shake this feeling that it's all my fault."

Chris listened attentively, his brows furrowing with understanding. "You've been worried about this for a while, huh?"

Matt nodded, the weight of the situation pressing on him. "Yeah. I mean, remember we've had late-night talks about her having feelings for me?  And now, I can't help but wonder if I've been too blind to see it. Maybe I've hurt her more than I realized."

Chris put a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder. "Look, you can't change the past, but you can talk to her, try to understand how she feels. Maybe it's not as bad as you think."

A beat passed as Matt solemnly gazed at his brother.

"I think I'm in love with her, Chris. Nick was right. I am in love with her," Matt said, eyes heavy from lack of sleep.

With Matt's confession hanging heavily in the air, Chris finally broke his silence. He leaned forward, a half-smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Congrats Matt, you're the last one to know," he said. "We've known for a long time that you felt this way."

Matt sat up, eyes widened in surprise. "You have?"

Chris nodded. "Yeah, it was kind of obvious, the way you'd light up every time she walked into the room. Mom mentioned before that you guys are two peas in a pod. She said it was only a matter of time before you realized she had always been here."

Matt sighed, unsure of himself. "I have no idea what to do, Chris. I'm just so scared of messing everything up."

"Well, technically you already did, idiot," Chris grinned sheepishly. “Just tell her how you feel. What's the worst that could happen?"

January 19, 2023

Chris was being weird, big time. He kept asking if I have talked to you. We talk every day, don’t we? Does he not know that?

Anyway, Chris being Chris, I guess.

You wanted me to visit for Spring break again, but I don’t think I can, but I’ll see you when you fly for Nate’s birthday in June. I cannot wait.

You seemed different these days, Matt.

As days turned into weeks, Matt struggled with his emotions in silence. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her and making things awkward between them. His ex-girlfriend didn't handle his confession well. She said had expected it and firmly told him not to contact her again.

This situation took a toll on Matt because he never intended for things to become so complicated. He was willing to do anything to prevent it.

Realizing he was in love with his best friend left a bittersweet feeling in his heart. He had been fooling himself all these time with him ignoring the intimate moments they shared and him being clueless as to why she reacted the way she did when she found out he had a girlfriend or when he kissed her.

He wanted nothing more than to fly to the East Coast just to see her, but he felt like it wasn't the right time, especially with college going on.

Matt appreciated the updates from her about school and life, but he can't help but feel things have changed in the air between them especially when she turned down the suggestion of her visiting again for the upcoming spring break. Matt understood and he knows that she too, was processing her own feelings just as he was.

Chris, talkative and ever supportive, insisted that she had always loved Matt too, with Nick joining in on the teasing, he couldn't help but feel hopeful. All of his loved ones reassuring him that things had always been this way. Two peas in a pod.

His Mom also called the other day after Nick had shared the details with her. “Oh, honey, we’ve always known,” her sweet voice comforting Matt. “Don’t worry about a thing; I’m certain she has loved you since the day she laid eyes on you.”

February 14, 2023

Dear Matt,

Samantha teased me today about not having a Valentine's date, but I told her I didn't need one. Anyway, seeing all the couples around campus makes me miss you even more and I know I might sound negative but it's a bit overwhelming.

I remember 2 valentines ago when you made me that pink cupcake with a heart on it. You were so excited to give it to me that you had a little argument with Nick in the car because he was taking too long to get ready, and you couldn't wait for me to see it. I also remember that rainy Valentine's Day when you stopped by my house just to give me the flowers you had bought earlier that day. The soft look on your face, the sly smile and damp hair was enough to make my knees weak. I also remember how Chris snickered from the passenger seat when you said the flowers reminded you of me. I miss you so much Matt. I wish you could have been here with me today, but you're in Palm Springs having a blast.

It's already February, Matt and I don't know how many more seasons I'll spend loving you.

February 14, 2019

"Hurry up, you idiot. Holy shit, I've been sitting here in the car for 20 minutes, and you're still not ready," Matt complained, clearly annoyed.

"Wow, Matt, what's gotten into you? Sorry, holy fuck," Nick responded, taken aback by his brother's sudden outburst.

Chris chimed in; his teasing tone evident as he laughed. "Calm down, Matt, I'm sure she'll understand if we're a little late."

"Shut up, Chris, it's not that. It's just the fact that Nick always does this," Matt retorted, starting the car.

"Is this what this is about? You being excited to give her your cupcake?" Nick teased, making a face at Chris and smirking.

"You're stupid, Nick." Matt grumbled, proceeding to drive down the familiar road to her house, a route he had taken many times before.

February 14, 2020

"Chris, come on, wake up!" Matt's voice boomed through his brother's room. It was 3 pm in the afternoon, and Nick had already been pestering them to go out. "I'm up, please get out of my face, Matt. I'll kill you," Chris grumbled sleepily.

With Chris in his usual grumpy state and Nick being overly excited, Matt found himself stopping by a nearby flower shop in Somerville. As he stood in front of the various types of flowers, his focused remained on a bouquet of tulips. He had heard from their mom the other day how exceptionally pretty tulips were.

Unbeknownst to Matt, Chris had slipped out of the car to join him. "You're getting flowers for her?" Chris asked, his tone laced with teasing.

"Yeah," Matt replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"Huh," Chris remarked, flashing a smile at the elderly woman behind the counter before turning his gaze back to his brother. "Why?"

"Because" Matt rolled his eyes, "why not?"

"Fair enough, geez, I'm just curious."

"Do you think she'll like tulips?"

Chris grinned and gave his brother an incredulous look, as if he found Matt's question amusingly strange. "She'll absolutely love them, Matt."

"Great," Matt said, clapping his hands together. "I'll get it," he cheerfully declared, already making his way toward the old woman.

With his usual teasing, Chris added, "Why don't you pick up some chocolates and write her a love letter too while you're at it?" He couldn't help but shake his head and chuckle.

"Shut up, Chris," Matt said dismissively.

As the rain began to pour, Chris watched his brother buy the flowers and wondered how unaware Matt can be with his own feelings.

March 2023

It was the week of Samantha's birthday, and she found herself contemplating on going. She didn't want to come across as a buzzkill for considering not attending, but the truth was, she often found immense joy in staying in on Friday nights. However, there were moments when she felt sad while lying in bed, especially upon hearing from Madi that all of them was heading to a party. Her thoughts would drift to Matt, wondering how he was doing or if he met someone. She tried to push the thoughts away still.

Matt would text her late at night updating her that he was already home, and she would read his messages in the morning. She hated how different their lives now were, with her being in college and him having the time of his life in California.

Sadness washed over her again when she remembered the kiss, they had shared last year. It saddened her to think that it might not have meant as much to Matt as it did to her, but it felt too late to bring it up now. He had apologized, and she had told him to forget about it.

With a change of heart, she confirmed to Samantha that she would indeed attend her birthday celebration. It was time to step out and have some fun, she thought. If Matt could do it, so could she.

The backyard of the Airbnb is transformed with colorful decorations and fairy lights are strung along the trees. The little bonfire in the center, surrounded by Samantha's friends chatting and laughing made her anxious, there is a lot more people than she thought.

She spotted Samantha and approached her cheerfully. "Samantha! Happy birthday!"

"Oh my gosh, you're here! I've been waiting for you. I'm so glad you made it."

"Me too," she replied, enveloping the curly-haired birthday girl in a warm embrace.

"Please, enjoy yourself tonight, alright? We have drinks and food in the kitchen, and I think Lorraine is around here somewhere," Samantha mentioned.

"Yeah, of course. You don't need to worry about me. I'll have a great time," she reassured her. "Go ahead and mingle."

"Alright, I'll catch up with you later, okay?" Samantha planted a peck on her cheek and continued welcoming other guests.

When she surveyed the crowd, she mentally reminded herself to grab a drink to avoid just standing there awkwardly. The party was in full swing, and despite her nagging desire to be in her cozy bed, she was determined to have a great time.

"Hey girl, how are you? I didn't see you come in. Have you seen Sam yet?" Lorraine greeted her with a warm hug, while Hannah waved.

"Hi, Lor, I'm good. And yeah, I just did. I just got here too so," she replied.

"That's great. You didn't get lost, did you?" Lorraine said with a playful grin.

She chuckled, “No."

Lorraine is Samantha's best friend from high school, she has long black hair, sharp eyes, and legs for days.

"Do you drink?" Lorraine asked, as Hannah busied herself mixing drinks at the counter.

"Uh, sometimes," she admitted, although deep down, she wasn't really fond of alcohol but tonight was different, though. She was feeling bold and what's a little alcohol after a rough week?

"We've got plenty here—tequila, beer, vodka, and all that jazz."

"I'll take a beer, please," she decided, opting for a more casual choice.

As the night wore, she took small sips of her drink and appreciated the light-hearted conversations with Lorraine and Hannah, which kept her from constantly checking her phone. Two hours ago, Matt sent her a text about whatever, but she ignored it. Truth is, she still feels a little hurt and awkward with him because of everything that has happened. Just for the night, she allowed herself to clear her mind of thoughts about the blue-eyed boy in California.

"I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back," she informed the couple, receiving only nods in response.

Aware of the dangers of drink spiking, she was cautious and brought her beer with her.

The hallways were narrow, and she wondered how many people had made out in these halls. There were many rooms too and photo frames with inspiring quotes that adorned the walls. Her trip to the bathroom was going fine until she bumped into a guy.

“I'm so sorry," she apologized frantically, searching for the green tissue pack in her little bag while setting the glass of beer on a nearby table. Her white top was now stained with liquor, which was just great. The embarrassment of the situation was overwhelming, leaving her unable to think straight.

"No worries," The guy chuckled, clearly taken aback by the unexpected encounter. "I should've been more careful."

She handed him the tissues, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "That was so embarrassing. I'm truly sorry," she said with a sheepish smile.

"Don't worry about it. It’ll dry," he replied with a reassuring smile.

“"I'm really sorry," she winced as she saw him examining his now alcohol-soaked shirt.

"It's okay," he smiled softly, causing her cheeks to turn pink. When he noticed her freezing in embarrassment, he spoke up again, "Hey, apology accepted. Please don't worry about it. I can just wipe this off, and I'll be fine."

She nodded and whispered, "I'm so embarrassed."

"Really, I'm over it now. Besides, it's my fault for not looking. You got drenched too," he chuckled, glancing at her blouse.

"Yeah, don't worry about me. It's not as bad as yours. Can I at least help you with that?" she offered.

"What? Help me wipe this beer off? Nah, I'm good. You go do your thing," he dismissed her with another friendly smile.

Feeling somewhat defeated, she simply nodded and said, "Alright."

In the bathroom, she found herself shaking her head in embarrassment while trying to wash off the small beer stain on her top. The night is not going well, and she was starting to regret not staying home. Why did embarrassing situations always seem to find her at parties?

After a few minutes of recovery and self-reflection, she returned to where Lorraine and Hannah were. But before she could reach the couple, she spotted the guy she had bumped into earlier. Hannah was chatting with him and giggling, while Lorraine wore an amused expression that made her feel even more self-conscious. Great, he knew them and had definitely shared the incident with them.

Hannah noticed her approaching and said, "Oh, I see you've already met our friend, Luke!"

The mischievous glint in Hannah's eyes confirmed that he had indeed told what had happened.

"Yeah," she replied shyly, smiling. "I think he has already told you how we met."

Luke laughed while Lorraine snickered. "Don't worry, he's not upset with you. In fact, he thinks you're cute, right Luke?"

"Oh..."

"Ignore Lorraine. Nice to meet you," he said, flashing her a warm smile and offered his hand. She couldn't help but notice the dimples in his cheeks or how perfectly curled his hair was.

"You too," she replied with a smile, shaking his hand, feeling her embarrassment vanish little by little.

Matthew Sturniolo was confused once again for the millionth time in his life, and his brothers found it funny.

Just five minutes ago, Nick mentioned she was at a party. Matt's head shot up upon hearing what his brother said.

"So, that's why she wasn't replying," Matt said, fingers fast on opening Instagram. "She didn't mention about going to a party."

With furrowed brows, he watched her story, where a girl with jet black hair was seen pouring a drink into a red up. The background confirming that she was indeed at a crowded party.

"She doesn't have to share everything with you, you know?" Nick rolled his eyes, as if Matt should already know this.

Chris chuckled, rising from his slouched position on the couch. "Yeah, you guys aren't dating, so why should she keep you in the loop about everything?"

Chris was teasing him, and he was aware of it. Nick gave Chris a look that said, 'who does he think he is?'

But Matt didn't care. It bothered him that she didn't even tell him knowing how much she disliked parties. He reopened their text conversation and stared at his unanswered message.

He sent another text:

Hey, just checking in. Saw your Instagram story. Hope everything's ok 😊

Turning to his brothers, who were now grinning, Matt asked, somewhat annoyed, "What?"

"Come on, Matt, lighten up. She can take care of herself," Chris teased again.

"She's a grown woman, Matt," Nick shrugged.

"Fine, I don't care," Matt grumbled, shifting his attention to the TV in front of him.

"Except you do, lover boy," Nick replied, and Chris laughed.

Matt stayed quiet, ignoring his brothers' teasing. He didn't need to know every detail of her life, and Chris was right. She could manage on her own but tonight he just felt uneasy. Was she ignoring him on purpose? Is he losing her?

He did his best to shake the thoughts as he stared at his empty notifications bar, hoping it wouldn't bother him as the night wore.

“Trouble in paradise?” Luke asked curiously, a playful smile gracing his beautiful face as he observed her reaction to a text message she had received, which seemed to elicit an anxious sigh from her, if Luke were to point it out.

She nervously chuckled and replied, "No, it's just my best friend asking how I'm doing," explaining helplessly. Luke nodded, choosing not to press any further.

They were now outside, surrounded by the soft chatter and faint music coming from the house. Lorraine and Hannah had left them 15 minutes ago to mingle with the other guests.

"So, is Sam a good roommate?" Grateful that he was attempting to initiate conversation and maintain a lighthearted atmosphere, considering what happened earlier. Lorraine had already explained that they had all been friends since high school and that Samantha was her roommate.

She chuckled and replied, "Yes, she is, thankfully. Although she tends to dance when she's drunk."

Luke laughed and shook his head, agreeing, "I heard she could be a handful when drunk," recalling a conversation he had with his own friends years ago.

"What do you study, again?" She asked, changing the subject. Realizing she couldn't quite remember what he had mentioned earlier, as she had been preoccupied with trying to forget the awkward bathroom encounter.

"Oh, I study business at SDSU, same school as Lorraine," he replied. “You’re studying computer science, right?”

She nodded, unwilling to discuss her major further. "How's Boston treating you? Do you enjoy it here so far?"

"Well, I've only been here for three days, and I've still got two more to go, but yeah, I like it. Just not used to the weather, that's all," Luke replied, looking down at her.

"Oh, yeah, I completely agree. Boston's weather is moody, unlike California's. It's very different," she said.

"I don't mind," Luke shrugged. "It's my first time here, after all."

"Really?" She turned to face him fully.

"Yeah, don't tell anyone, but I've never actually been to any state other than where I live," he chuckled, taking a sip of his own drink.

"Well, I think you deserve a proper tour from a native!" She looked up at him, smiling.

"You think so?" Luke grinned at her knowingly, his eyes twinkling with playfulness.

"Yeah, I mean, I've got nothing to do. I'm finished with most of my projects."

She couldn't pinpoint the source of her newfound confidence, whether it was the influence of alcohol or perhaps Luke’s casual smiles and affectionate glances throughout the evening.

He laughed, obviously amused by her eagerness, and she couldn't help but notice how nice his teeth were and how his curls looked.

"What's so funny?" She raised her eyebrows at him, a faint smile on her lips.

Still smiling, Luke replied, "Nothing, you're really cute."

She went silent, a blush forming on her cheeks. She was about to speak when he continued, "But yeah, a tour would be nice. Maybe we could get some lobsters?"

She snickered, the alcohol giving her confidence once again. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"If you want it to be," he shrugged coolly, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Well, it's not a date. I'm just a new friend touring my new friend in the city," she declared.

He chuckled once again, his voice ringing in her ears. "Okay then, it's not a date."

She didn't even realize how engrossed they were in each other until Samantha approached them with a wide smile. "I see you two have already met," Samantha said, her eyes holding a hint of mischief.

"Sam!" She turned her attention away from Luke, her surprise evident. "Hi. Yeah, it's kind of a long story," she said, offering a sheepish smile.

Luke chuckled. "Your roommate here seems eager to show me around the city."

"Is that so?" Samantha looked between them, clearly amused.

The atmosphere remained light-hearted. Samantha’s playful smirk hinted at her enjoyment of the situation.

“Well, if she’s offering to be your tour guide, you’re in for a treat,” Samantha said, looking at Luke with a playful glint in her eye. “She knows all the best spots in Boston.”

Luke nodded with enthusiasm. “I have no doubt about that. I’m excited.”

Samantha winked at them both. “You’re in good hands.”

She understood that Samantha was insinuating something else. She wasn't stupid and she very was certain that tomorrow, the birthday girl would pester her about this encounter with Luke.

Samantha and Lorraine gave them knowing looks after Luke offered to walk her home and after a moment’s hesitation, she agreed. It was just a 10-minute walk to campus, after all.  She didn’t want to be rude, but she also didn't want to walk home all alone at night.

She couldn’t help but remember Matt. Her Matt. The Matt she had been ignoring for hours now.

It had been an eternity since someone had taken the time to do this for her. She remembered from their high school days, how Matt used to walk her to her door, the way their hands would touch a little while walking, and her secret hope that he would kiss her goodbye. Of course, Matt never did.

“It’s been so long,” she whispered, her heart aching, unintentionally saying it out loud. Luke stopped mid-sentence.

“What?” He asked, confused.

She shook her head, caught off guard by her unexpected outpouring of emotion. “Oh, I’m sorry. I got a bit lost in thought. Please continue, what were you saying?”

“You did seem a little distracted all night. Is this still about the drink you spilled?”

“No, something else,” she replied, stealing another glance at her phone. Matt’s unanswered goodnight message, sent 20 minutes ago, weighed on her. “Just a lot happening in my life,” she chuckled, attempting to make it sound light for Luke’s benefit.

“Like school?” Luke asked again, his gaze steady.

“Yeah, something like that,” she answered, slipping her phone into her jeans pocket, concealing her suppressed longing.

Matt rose from his bed, finding no solace for his troubled heart in its confines. He headed downstairs to see if Chris was still awake.

"Hey, you up?" Matt opened the door to find his brother engrossed in his phone.

Chris looked up and said, "Oh, hey. Yeah."

Matt let out a long sigh and flopped down on Chris's bed.

"Uh-oh," Chris turned off his phone and turned his full attention to Matt. "She still hasn't replied to your texts?"

"Nope," Matt grumbled. "I want to call her."

"Matt," Chris frowned, "Don't. I'm sure she's fine."

"This is just not like her," Matt added, feeling stupid.

"I thought you didn't care?" Chris teased.

"Of course, I care," Matt sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Damn, you’re really down bad.”

"Chris, what's keeping her so busy at this party? Tell me, have you ever been so engrossed at a party that you forget to check your phone all night?" Matt asked, sitting up as he tried to calm his racing mind and heart.

"Uh," Chris tried to think, but honestly, he wanted to say no. There was no plausible reason she would be so absorbed unless she was actively ignoring Matt.

"You see?" Matt widened his eyes, attempting to convince his brother. "What if something happened to her?"

Chris intervened, "Whoa, we're jumping to conclusions here. Look, Matt, I'll call her."

Matt watched hopefully as the seconds passed by.

Five rings, and then her voice came through the speakers. "Chris?" Her voice sweet as a honey to Matt's ears. She must have made it home because he couldn't hear any background noise.

How could she answer Chris and not even reply to his texts?

"Hey, look, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? Matt here has been worried sick about you. You're not replying to his texts—"

Matt snatched the phone from Chris's hand. "I'm sorry. Chris is an idiot. I'm not worried, trust me."

There was a brief silence, and Chris facepalmed, whispering, "What are you saying, Matt?"

When she didn't reply, Matt continued, "I mean, I am worried. Just checking in, you know?"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Sorry, no, yeah, I'm good. I just got caught up with friends, that's why I didn't get the chance to reply." A lie.

Matt paced slowly in Chris's room, trying to imagine her face. Chris gave him a look that said, 'What are you doing? Get it together.'

"I was a little concerned," Matt admitted chuckling, downplaying his worries.

"I'm fine, Matt. I just got home 20 minutes ago," she replied, her voice a whisper. She must be smiling, Matt thought, though he couldn't see her.

"Thanks for checking in, and sorry for not answering your texts," she added.

"That's... that's okay. I'm glad you're home and safe."

"Me too. This guy was kind enough to walk me home. I mean Samantha's friend from the party, Luke."

Matt and Chris exchanged surprised glances. "Luke?"

"Yeah, he was really nice. Offered to walk me. Also, I didn't tell you, but I spilled beer on him, which was embarrassing, but he was sweet about it, so we're good."

Chris snickered, and Matt shot him a hard stare, his stomach sinking by the minute. Who the hell is Luke?

"You can't be serious," Matt chuckled, trying to conceal his concern. “What?”

"No, I'm dead serious. We talked all night, and then, yeah, that's it. I offered to show him around Boston tomorrow, just to make up for what happened, I guess." She continued her story, seemingly unaware of how it was affecting Matt.

Matt couldn't hide his unease. "You just met him like 3 hours ago, and now you're spending the day with him? Who is this guy?"

"No, he's really nice, I swear. Plus, he's Samantha's friend, so..." She was quick to defend.

"I'm just saying, you don't know this guy well enough to spend your whole day with him," Matt said, growing more upset by the minute.

"Well, how am I supposed to know him if we're not going to hang out?"

Chris chuckled, shaking his head, while Matt tried to keep his feelings in check.

"Up to you. I'm just looking out for you, you know that. Again, just saying. Be careful," Matt replied, struggling to hide his true emotions.

"Yes, Dad," she teased, rolling her eyes, though she was likely fighting off a smile.

"I'm serious. I'm just looking out," Matt insisted.

"I appreciate that, Matt. Don't worry, I'll update you guys tomorrow. Also, do you still remember the address of that pasta place we visited a year ago where Chris fell in love with the chicken alfredo?"

"I'll ask him," Matt's voice sounded small. He felt like he was losing her by the second. Who was this guy? Were they going on a date? He can already feel a headache coming and a lump forming in his throat.

"I'll text you the address," Chris shouted from across the room.

"Alright, I think I'm going to bed. I'm really tired," she said, still painfully unaware of Matt's feelings.

"Okay, then. Go to sleep. Text me tomorrow," Matt pleaded, his voice carrying a sense of desperation. "Please."

"I will, Matt. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Chris."

"Goodnight!" Chris cheerfully replied, clearly enjoying the situation way more than Matt was.

Deep inside, she felt a bit guilty for distancing herself from Matt, ignoring his texts, and even considering dating other guys, possibly including Luke in the future.

However, she loved Matt for a long time, but he never felt the same way. Some days it felt like he did, especially that time he had kissed her, but it was never enough. She believed that if he had ever felt the same way about her, she would have been aware of it by now.

She was becoming tired of constantly holding onto false hope, longing for a love that would never happen and yearning for a touch that seemed always just out of reach. She desired to be consumed by his fire, even if it meant getting burned.

She craved the warmth of his affection, the reassurance of his reciprocation, and the simple comfort of knowing that her love was not in vain.

Truth to be told, she knew that Matt deserved to know the depth of her feelings, even if it meant facing the harsh reality that he might not feel the same way. Love, after all, deserved to be known. On the other hand, she feared the potential fallout – the awkwardness, the possibility of rejection, and the damage it could do to their friendship.

She couldn't escape the fact that she had held this love within her for so long, it had become a part of her very being. It was like an unspoken truth that lingered in the air whenever they were together.

"Love has a right to be spoken. And you have the right to know that somebody loves you." - Ursula K. Le Guin, A Fisherman of the Inland Sea

From the moment she pushed open the imposing wooden doors of the campus, she spotted Luke, leaning against a tree. The sunlight played upon his brown hair, making it appear lighter, and his eyes took on a golden hue.

It was undeniable, Luke was handsome. Every time she looked at him, it felt like a breath of fresh air on a crisp morning. Maybe it was something about the way his eyes locked onto her when she told stories, or how effortlessly he could reply with clever comebacks that always seemed perfectly timed. It was the way he carried himself that caused her poor heart to race a little.

When he caught sight of her, his face lit up. "Hey you," he grinned, his hands tucked into his pockets.

She returned his warm smile. "Hey yourself," she replied playfully, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he said, extending his arm, inviting her to link hers with his.

She shot him a look that said, ‘I’m not doing that,’ but she rolled her eyes, still smiling and continued walking.

Luke caught up with her, shaking his head with amusement.

Walking side by side, Luke kept his hands in his pockets, while she tucked hers inside her jacket to shield herself from the chilly air. She couldn’t wait for March to be over.

The curly-haired boy was surprised when he noticed a list of places on her notes app. Luke found it incredibly cute that she had taken the time to jot it all down for him.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’ve listed everything,” he chuckled, glancing at her phone to catch a glimpse of their planned destinations. “You’re really committed to this, aren’t you?”

Despite his best efforts to meet her eyes, she remained engrossed in her phone, her gaze fixed on the screen. “Of course. I did say I’ll show you the city, remember?”

Luke’s curiosity was piqued, and his eyebrows raised. A small smile played on his lips. “Do you always do this?”

She couldn’t help but laugh at his question. It was quite out of character for her to agree to tour someone around the city, especially when they had only met the night before. But Luke had proven to be a pleasant distraction from the strange texts she had been receiving from Matt lately plus he was really cute.

“To be honest,” she began, looking up from her phone to turn to Luke, “no. I just felt like doing something different today.” Her gaze softened as she spoke, and for a moment, her thoughts drifted to what Matt had texted her earlier that morning.

‘You do know that’s a date, right?’

Her response was that it wasn’t, explaining that she was simply acting as a good friend, and this left her message without a reply.

As the day went on, she found herself more and more drawn to Luke. If she were to describe the distraction from her unrequited love, who was miles away from the East Coast, it would undoubtedly be a flirty man with curly brown hair, coffee-colored eyes, and a smile that could light up any room he walked into.

With a playful tone, she leaned in and asked, “So, what’s one more thing on your Boston bucket list, aside from the lobsters?”

They sat together at a cozy coffee shop near the school, where a handful of students were studying. The shop’s walls were adorned with rustic brown bricks, and colorful flowers added a touch of charm. As the sun began its descent, the interior was bathed in a golden hue, creating a warm and inviting atmosphere.

Samantha had just texted her asking how the date with Luke in which she replied again that it was not.

Luke paused for a moment, considering the question. “Well, I’ve heard Fenway Park is pretty iconic.”

She agreed, reaching for her cup yet again. “That’s a fantastic choice! You’ll get to experience the true Boston sports culture.”

Luke grinned, appreciating her enthusiasm for everything he says. “And what about you? Any more must-see places you’d recommend?”

She thought for a moment, remembering the restaurant Chris loved, but chose not to mention it, as if she were safeguarding a secret that the world couldn’t know, the restaurant symbolizing memories that were now part of the past. Instead, she decided to keep their conversation in the present, allowing it to flow naturally.

She smiled shyly, a glint in her eyes, as she playfully remarked, “If I didn’t know any better, I think you’re just finding reasons to see me again.”

Luke's grin widened, his charm shining even brighter. "Ah, you've caught me," he admitted, "guilty as charged but who could resist an opportunity to explore Boston with such beautiful company?"

Her shy smile only added to the allure of the moment, and he couldn't help but appreciate the twinkle in her eyes. "Well," he continued, his tone dipping into a more flirtatious register, "if this is me saying I’d like to see you again, then what do you say? Perhaps you could be my personal tour guide for a while longer?"

She couldn't help but blush at him. "If that's your way of saying you'd like to see me again, then I say you're in luck,” she teased.  “I wouldn't mind being your tour guide for a while longer."

Luke laughed, his face lighting up at her response, and he couldn't help but shake his head amusingly. "That's fantastic news! I supposed I'll have to come up with even more reasons to see you then."

Her smile remained coy, eyes locking onto his. "I look forward to it."

“But on a Saturday, in a café, she watched it begin again.”

(ifykyk haha)

May 2023

Nick Sturniolo couldn't tolerate it any longer; once again, his brother was wallowing in his room, shrouded in darkness with the covers pulled over his head. It seemed like Matt's sole agenda was eating and sleeping these days.

"That's enough," Nick's voice reverberated through Matt's room, with Chris trailing behind him. "This has to stop. Seriously, you need to get out."

Matt grumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. "No, Nick."

"Dude, come on." While Chris empathized with his brother's emotions, he knew that spending five days holed up in bed was far from ideal. "Have you even talked to her?"

"No," came the quiet, dismissive reply.

Exchanging concerned glances, Chris and Nick understood that Matt was avoiding them once again. Unmoved, Nick reached out and yanked the covers away, leaving Matt exposed from his warm cocoon.

"Nooo, Nick," Matt whined, rising from his bed, and walking past them into the bathroom. "Can you two just leave me alone?"

"Matt, please, this needs to stop," Nick pleaded, following him. However, Matt shut the bathroom door before Nick could utter another word.

Chris shook his head, deeply concerned. "This is getting out of hand."

"I'll call her," Nick declared, determined to mend his brother's broken heart as he headed toward the couch to grab his phone.

Chris halted him in his tracks. "Don't, Nick."

"Why not? This is ridiculous. She needs to know what's happening to Matt, you know?"

While Nick loved her just as much and empathized with her feelings for her brother, witnessing her heart break over the same guy repeatedly over the past few years, he also loved Matt and understood his reasons and he would go to great lengths to ensure he never saw his brother like this again.

"Don't do it, Nick," Chris warned again.

"Why not?" Nick persisted, challenging Chris, his frustration mounting.

"Because what are you going to tell her? That Matt's been depressed as shit because she went on multiple dates with this guy, and it all went well?"

Matt, listening from the other side of the door, emerged and interceded between them. "No one's going to tell anyone anything, okay? I'll be fine. I just want to be left alone."

"You have to tell her, Matt," Nick said, speaking more softly this time.

Chris gazed at the side of Matt's face, his heart aching at the sight of his brother in such despair. "Before it's too late," Chris added.

It pained Chris to see his brother like this, but he couldn't help but consider that maybe Matt had missed his chance with her months ago when he failed to understand why she was so upset about him having a girlfriend. Chris also couldn't deny that she had pined for Matt for years, and it had taken a long time for his brother to realize his true feelings and he also knew that even time would not wait for Matt.

In the weeks that followed, their household was like wrapped in an atmosphere of melancholy. Matt's isolation continued, and it seemed like there was a cloud of sadness hanging over them, especially when she announced that she plans to make it official with Luke.

Each day that passed without Matt addressing his feelings felt like a missed opportunity, and Nick couldn't help but wonder how much time they had left before those feelings became irrevocably entangled with regret.

He knew Matt's heartache was genuine and real. It wasn't just about a date gone well; it was about missed chances, miscommunication, and the unraveling of a connection that had been there all along. Nick also couldn't shake the nagging feeling that time was slipping through their fingers like grains of sand. It was an unspoken truth, a silent echo in the house, that they were running out of chances to mend the rift between Matt and her.

Meanwhile, Chris wrestled with his own conflicted emotions. He remembered that moment when Matt had failed to understand the depths of her pain when he had kissed her and pretended it didn't happen, his brother's lack of action when she needed him the most. It had been a missed opportunity, an oversight.

March 29, 2023

Dear Matt,

Spring’s break over. Been over for a few days. Everything is back to normal, and the air is getting warmer, which makes me a little happy. Mac Demarco’s song came on shuffle earlier on my way to class and it reminded me of when we were listening to it during the car ride back home. Remember the mint ice cream I let you try, and you hated it? Yep, that was the day.

I’ve already told you about Luke. He’s okay. He’s nice. I think I like him. I mean, what’s not to like? He flew back to San Diego, but we've been talking non-stop through FaceTime and texts. I think he might like me too, though I don't want to assume anything. You did say to get to know him better before rushing into anything.

I feel like things are changing, Matt. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I miss you so much. I wish you weren’t so far away.

April 7, 2023

Hi Matthew,

I’m just struggling with my feelings right now. Luke admitted last night after nonstop calls and texts, that he likes me more than a friend and he wants to take things further but slow.

I was frozen for a few seconds. I like him but I don’t know. I guess I’ll see where it goes.

I texted you about it, but you didn’t reply, Chris said you were out with Nick and Madi. I’ll tell you all about it later. I wish you knew, Matt. I wish you knew.  That it has always been you.

It was the second week of June of 2023 when Matt Sturniolo landed in Boston, Massachusetts. After being gone for months, he was immensely grateful he was back home. The weather was warm which made everything feel just right. Things had improved significantly with him compared to the previous month, following a heartfelt conversation with Nick and Chris. They all agreed that confessing his feelings while she was entering a promising relationship wouldn't be fair, and his brothers supported this decision.

The way she would light up when talking about Luke during their video calls was enough for Matt to accept the situation as it was. He also realized that the opportunity had already passed him. She had already met someone else, and he believed, or at least liked to believe, that this person makes her happy and that was more than enough for him.

This newfound understanding brought a sense of peace to his heart, but he couldn't deny, not even to himself, that he was truly heartbroken. Despite the acceptance, there were moments when the weight of the unspoken emotions, the timing, and the distance bore down on him.

Remembering their intimate moments together leave him with a lingering ache in his heart. Matt had been in love with her long before he could put a name to his emotions, but by the time he understood his own feelings, it was already too late.

"Yo, Nate just texted me," Chris said while munching on chips and leaning against the kitchen counter. "He said shit’s ready."

"Wait, I need to take a shower first, and then we can head out," Nick shouted from the other room.

Matt appeared from the laundry area, a sock on one hand, and asked Chris about his outfit, "Do you think this looks good?"

"Yeah, that's alright. I really like that shirt," Chris replied.

Matt smiled and said, "Me too."

Impatient, Chris sighed and yelled, "Can you hurry up, Nick? Alahna just texted me, she said they already pulled up to Nate’s house."

Nick shouted back, his words somewhat unclear, "Yeah, I'll be quick."

Silence enveloped them again. After a moment, Chris whispered, "Are you sure you'll be okay there, Matt?"

"I'll be fine, Chris. It's Nate's birthday," Matt responded, still engrossed in his phone.

Chris sent him a half smile. “You know she’s never going to replace you right? Your friendship with her is already special in its own right.”

Matt looked up, his expression softening but still uncertain. He nodded, agreeing with his brother's words, though not entirely convinced.

"Alright, I'm ready to roll," Nick announced after 20 minutes, already heading for the door.

Chris could sense Matt's tension and placed a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder. "Hey, Matt," he began, his tone gentle. "It's gonna be okay."

Matt leaned on him, nodding. "Thanks, Chris."

With a nod, Chris turned to Nick who's already impatiently waiting by the car. "Let's get going then. Nathan's waiting."

Hands on the wheel, Matt did his best to focus on the familiar road ahead of them. Nick sang along to the radio in the backseat, while Chris stared out of the window. Deep down, Matt wanted to turn around and retreat to the safety of his bedroom, but he hid his anxieties by remaining silent.

As Matt parked the car and they approached Nate's house, he couldn't shake the nervousness that had been building inside him. Chris and Nick walked ahead towards the sliding door in the backyard, where they greeted Nate's family.

For Matt, however, it was as if time had slowed down. As he scanned the gathering, he saw familiar faces - people he had known since middle school, some high school, and some he forgot the names of. Life appeared to have moved on for them, unaware of the feelings he was facing with.

With his hands in his pockets, he looked timid and shy. But then, as if the universe conspired to grant him a moment of relief, he saw her. It had been seven months. Seven long months since he had seen and kissed her, and it felt like finally witnessing the sun after a cold winter night.

Nick was approaching her first, and she welcomed his brother with a big smile on her face. Matt couldn't help but notice the subtle changes in her appearance - her hair now cascaded just below her collarbone, framing her face beautifully. Her smile, however, remained as radiant as ever, perhaps even more so. The way she held onto Nick, the carefree way her hair danced in the breeze, the sunlight gently touching her face made her seem almost unreal. The summer air had given her a healthy flush on her cheeks, making them pinker than he remembered. Her laughter like music to his ears.

After what felt like an eternity of hugging and catching up with his brothers, she began searching for him in the crowd. Her eyes eventually found him, standing there in all his handsome glory. With knowing smiles exchanged between Chris and Nick, his brothers left them alone. Matt approached her slowly, his hands still tucked in his pockets. "Hi," he greeted her with a shy smile.

She looked up at him, biting her lip, her voice now softer compared to when she had greeted his brothers. "Hi."

Subtly and unwittingly, her body leaned towards his, just like old times, and reached out to embrace him. Matt couldn't help but notice the familiar scent of her hair, the same fragrance that used to linger on his pillow for days after she had slept over.

As always, good things must come to an end, and she reluctantly pulled away, her eyes sparkling with happiness as she looked up at him. They were so close that they could feel each other's breath.

"Missed you," Matt blurted out, unable to contain his feelings. He had truly missed her more than she'll ever know.

"I missed you too, Matthew. How are things?" Her affection for him was evident in her words. Matt, who had been the love of her life for years, was now back home.

"Things are good," he replied, his voice carrying a mixture of emotions. "I'm so glad to be back home."

"Finally," she murmured softly, the word laden with longing and spoken with an intimacy meant only for his ears. Her gaze remained locked onto his, they were so absorbed into each other that they didn't notice that their friends were watching them, both oblivious to the hushed whispers in the background.

"Yeah, finally," Matt whispered, eyes steady with hers.

Observing this interaction, Nate nudged Chris gently, nodding towards them. His eyes wide.

"Oh no, Matt," Chris whispered, seeing Luke, who stood a few feet away and had seen everything. Her and Matt are standing really close, almost as if they were about to kiss. "Don't do it, Matt." Fearing his brother would do something stupid, again.

A faint clearing of the throat from behind them interrupted their moment.

"Luke," she whispered, surprised and wide-eyed. Luke responded with a polite smile, concealing his uneasiness.

Watching from a distance, Chris's heart continued to race.

Feeling embarrassed, Matt wished he could disappear. He had let his emotions get the best of him and now found himself in an awkward situation. Sensing her pull away, Matt watched as she moved closer to Luke's side, putting some distance between them.

"Luke, this is Matt," she introduced them, her voice slightly small. She gestured towards both of them. "Matt, meet Luke, my boyfriend." Matt hid his true feelings behind a polite greeting and shook Luke's extended hand but from a distance, Chris and Nate could see the sadness in his eyes as he glanced back and forth between the new couple.

"Nice to meet you, Matt. I've heard a lot about you and your brothers." Matt couldn't help but find irony in the situation, as he remembered the night in Los Angeles when he had introduced his ex to her, and his ex had offered similar words of welcome.

Matt smiled and nodded, his gaze lingering on the way Luke held her waist.

Luke started a friendly conversation, trying to ease the obvious tension in the air. "So, when did you guys get back from L.A.?"

"We got back just two days ago," Matt replied casually, shifting his gaze to Chris and Nate a few feet away from them, who was now stopped dead in their tracks, watching their interaction unfold. "What about you? I heard you're from California, right?"

Luke, keeping things relaxed, replied, "Yes, San Diego. I've been here for a week. Planning to stay for the rest of the summer."

"Oh," Matt struggled to find the right words. Spending a whole summer, indicating a serious step into their relationship.

"That's cool. Boston has nice beaches, although they might not compare to the ones on the West Coast." 

Her gaze remained locked on his, searching for a reaction. Nathan, Matt's best friend since they were 13 has always known the right words to say. He swooped in just in time to save Matt from a potentially explosive situation. 

"Hey, you guys, do you mind if I borrow Matt here for sec?” Nate asked casually, offering them his playful smile. "We need help with the ice and stuff." He said cooly, earning a knowing glance from Matt.

This was Luke's first time meeting Matt, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was more to the history between her and her best friend. After witnessing their intense interaction moments ago, he wondered if it has always been like this.  As Nate led Matt away, a moment of silence settled between Luke and her. She could sense the curiosity in Luke's eyes. Finally, he broke the silence with a gentle tone, "You guys seem very close. Is there more than what I know?"

She took a deep breath, her fingers fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. "We've been friends for a long time, you know that." she replied, her voice a mixture of apprehension and vulnerability.

"I just never expected you two were that close," Luke chuckled lightly, making an effort to lighten the mood.

When she didn't reply, Luke gently continued, "Hey," speaking in a softer tone this time, he turned his entire body to face her, ensuring she could look into his eyes. "I'm not worried about anything. If you say you guys have been nothing more than friends all this time, then I believe you."

She smiled, feeling grateful that Luke had gracefully dropped the topic. But there was no lie in that statement; they were just friends. Matt had never reciprocated her feelings, and it had always been that way. She should be happy that she has a love like Luke's. A love unwavering, ever-present affection that wraps her in a sense of security and even though this love was just starting, it's here. It wants to spend the whole summer with her. It kisses and hugs her at night. A love that loves her back.

Chris followed Nate and Matt into the house and found them already engaged in a conversation. "Dude," he began. With Nate, deeply looking into Matt's eyes Chris knew he was helping calm his brother down. “What was that?”

Matt snapped, growing irritated with Chris, feeling the situation become more increasingly awkward and cringeworthy. "Just be quiet for a second, Chris."

“You need to keep your feelings in check before it gets complicated,” Chris informed, arms up in defense.

Matt sighed, realizing the truth in his brother's words. "Was it really that bad?"

"Bro," Nate gave him a sideways glance.

"Matt, with how close you two are, you might as well just kiss her," Chris whispered loudly, scanning the room for any guests who might have overheard them.

"It was like you guys were the only ones in the room," Nate chimed in, to which Chris nodded in agreement.

Matt hung his head in shame, anxiously sighing once more and burying his face in his hands. "I can't handle this."

"Yes, you can," Nate reassured him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You're here for my birthday, nothing else and you're gonna go out there and we're gonna have fun. Look, look, Karl's already setting up the barbeque."

Matt can only nod. Tonight was all about Nathan, and no boyfriend was going to ruin it for them.

Truth was, Nate was hesitant when she asked the question of whether she could invite Luke as her plus one. Deep down, he understood that she was slowly unveiling to the world the fact that this charming, curly-haired brunette with captivating brown eyes is going to be in their lives whether they like it or not. Nate was also aware of the feelings Matt is dealing with, feelings he suspected had been simmering beneath the surface ever since he witnessed them sharing a slice of pizza in his very own backyard three years ago. He feared that Matt wouldn't take this well, and the feelings of regret over missed opportunities might shadow him as he watched her with Luke. Yet, despite these, Nate couldn't bring himself to say no. He firmly believed that she deserved to show her love, just like anyone else and to Nate, this love was something his best friend would ultimately need to come to terms with.

The night proved to be a blur for her, with Matt's presence lingering nearby like a shadow. Just the knowledge that he was only a few feet away made her stomach churn. It hadn't always been like this; typically, she had a firm grip on her emotions and could maintain her composure, but the situation earlier, with the three of them – herself, Matt, and Luke – had left her wanting to go home and avoid talking to anyone ever again.

It had been a slip, a slip that should never have happened. The way she had clung to him, waiting for any sign, anything that might reveal his disapproval of her relationship with Luke. But when he walked through the door with Chris and Nate trailing behind him, she realized she had been fooling herself once again.

Matt had calmed himself down, thanks to Nate and Chris. With Nick giving him raised eyebrows as if to say, 'What the hell just happened? We'll talk about this later.' he shifted his focus to the food that was being handed around, attempting to divert his thoughts.

The night progressed smoothly, and the final blow came when Matt sat across from her in the group circle. Chloe, who had joined them, shot knowing looks her way as she sat beside Matt. "So, what are your plans for the summer?" their friend asked.

Various answers were heard from the group. "What about you and Luke?"

"We're going on Europe with Luke's friends from New York," she blurted out, her eyes finding their way back to her hands, avoiding Matt's piercing eyes.

She could hear the excitement and wows reverberated around the circle.

Luke chimed in, adding, "Yeah, it's going to be fun. I’m excited."

The conversation continued, with the group asking about when they will leave, and some were sharing recommendations for must-visit spots in Greece. She tuned them out, feeling smaller with each passing moment.

A European adventure was Matt and Her’s secret dream, a dream they had shared only in the quiet of the night, under the covers, with Nick sleeping on the couch nearby. It symbolized another significant step in their relationship, something that Matt couldn't help but notice.

Matt felt his heart break a little more with each passing moment, like a series of painful stabs. Of course, he didn’t forget the plans to elope in Europe and here she was fulfilling those dreams with another man.

When their eyes met, he masked his pain with a faint, forced smile.

Finally, the night ended with Chris giving her and Luke a friendly hug. With Matt already in the car avoiding the couple and Nick in the back saying his own goodbyes to Alahna and Nate.

Matt went straight to his room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Chris stopped Nick in pestering Matt and asking him about what happened at the party, he insisted that they give their brother space to work on his feelings.

~

"You're awfully quiet," Luke nudged her gently. They sat in the living room, surrounded by her sister and cousins, watching cartoons as the warm Boston summer air flowed in through the open windows of the house.

"Just lost in thought," she sighed.

"What's on your mind?" Luke asked, rubbing her hand while his gaze remained fixed on her face.

"Nothing much, just a bit nervous about meeting your New York friends," she chuckled, trying to keep her tone casual.

"They're not that bad," he reassured her, his fingers now absentmindedly playing with hers. "They'll love you. Who wouldn't love you?"

One person, she thought, but she managed to smile at Luke, appreciating his warmth. It had been a week since Nate's birthday, and Matt hadn't reached out. Part of her was secretly relieved; she wouldn't know what to say to him anyway. She knew Matt tended to withdraw when things got awkward.

This had been her problem since they were young. Matt always looks at her like he could love her, and she fell for it every time, only to have her heart broken again.

She knew she was lying to Luke about her old feelings for Matt, but she was determined to bury those emotions and start fresh with Luke.

"What if they don't like me?"

"They have no choice but to like you; they're going to spend two months with you in Europe," Luke chuckled before giving her a sweet kiss.

"I guess," she replied.

Silence settled between them once more. "Is everything ready for you? We leave really early tomorrow," Luke asked, mentally checking if he had brought everything he needed in his head.

"Yup, all packed and ready. Actually, I think I'm going to visit Nick and the boys later, you know to say my goodbyes," she shrugged.

She could feel the mood had shifted between her and Luke.

Luke straightened up, letting go of her hand. "Oh. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, that's fine. Nick has been bugging me to hang out since they got back. He wanted to catch up and stuff."

"Alright," Luke nodded, smiling at her, not pushing further.

Setting foot in her lifelong friends' house brought a wave of nostalgia; it felt like an eternity since she had last visited. Nick welcomed her at the front door with a cheerful smile, the sounds of a heated argument between Chris and Matt can be heard from the kitchen.

"You just don't get it. I didn't know it was yours," Chris defended himself, dressed casually in shorts and a white shirt.

"Well, you should've asked me! Can't you leave a soda in the fridge for 24 hours max?" Matt shouted, clearly agitated. "Geez, you're so fucking grumpy today, is this because-" Chris replied, and Nick cleared his throat, worried that Chris might say something she should not hear. Chris noticed her presence first and practically lunged at her, almost knocking the air out of her. "Oh my god, I missed you so much."

She smiled and patted his back, returning the hug warmly. When he released her, he continued with a mischievous glint in his eyes and a playful tone, "I'm so sorry we couldn't talk much at Nate's party. You were so busy."

"Chris," Nick warned with a pointed look. Chris shrugged, still grinning.

"I missed you too and no, I wasn’t," she chuckled, glancing between Nick and Chris, offering a reassuring smile.

"Yes, you were. You were busy with your new boyfriend," Matt snapped, his tone cutting and bitter, causing her smile to slowly vanish. He wasn't looking at her, not acknowledging her presence and not even trying to hide that he doesn’t want her there.

The room fell silent, Chris and Nick exchanging shocked and speechless glances in response to Matt's outburst, making the atmosphere tense.

"In fact," Matt added, his voice sharp as knives, "you were so busy with your new boyfriend that you forgot we had plans to go to the beach with Chloe yesterday."

His words were meant to hurt, like venom injected into her heart. "Matt, please." Chris intercedes, but the tears and the lump in her throat were already starting.

"Shut up, Chris. It's true! She's Miss College-this and Miss College-that. Why are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be in Europe with your boyfriend?" Matt sneered, his blue eyes piercing through her soul, oblivious to how much his words were hurting her.

"What the hell, Matt?" Nick glowered at Matt; his eyes wide, unable to believe that his brother was speaking to her like this.

"No, it's okay Nick, leave us," she whispered, stopping him. She swallowed hard, attempting to hold back the tears and keep her composure.

Chris, sensing that this was a necessary conversation between her and Matt, guided Nick out of the kitchen. He believed in her; if anyone could handle this, it was her.

"What's your problem?" She approached Matt slowly, keeping a comfortable distance, with the kitchen counter acting as a physical barrier between them.

"You! You're my problem," Matt mumbled, avoiding eye contact, turning his head, and looking towards the window.

In the years of friendship with Matt, they never once had an argument like this. Matt had never been this upset with her, especially over missed plans. She had missed one or two in previous years, but he had never been this furious.

Her heart ached trying to understand Matt’s current level of distress. She was not understanding why the boy in front of her was seething with frustration, his cheeks flushed, hair disheveled, and his eyes usually so warm and inviting now looks exhausted and empty.

This was not the Matt she had grown so close to.

"How am I your problem? Are you seriously this fucking upset because I forgot about our plans to go to the beach yesterday?" She was getting angrier, and her voice was rising.

Matt finally looked at her again. "Just forget it."

He tried to walk away, but she blocked his path. "No. Tell me. What's wrong?"

She peered into his bloodshot eyes; he looked so done. But before she could speak again, Matt beat her to it. "Nothing's wrong. Everything's just great. Go back to your perfect boyfriend; he must be worried about you."

"He's not worried about me, Matt. Are you kidding me? What did I do to make you this upset? Look, I’m sorry, okay? We had to pack-"

Matt didn't answer and brushed past her, bumping her shoulder in the process, his back turned to her.

"Seriously, you're just going to leave? So this is about Luke? Are you jealous? Do you think I'm too busy for you guys now that I have a boyfriend?"

"I'm in love with you, okay!" Matt turned around, facing her. His blue eyes now on the verge of tears.

She stood there in stunned silence, her feet rooted to the spot. She couldn't believe it — Matthew Sturniolo, her best friend, and the boy she had secretly pined for over the years, was in love with her.

Meanwhile, in the other room, Chris and Nick listened in wide-eyed shock, their brother’s confession echoing through the house. Chris exchanged a surprised glance with Nick, who couldn’t help but roll his eyes, muttering, “Finally,” under his breath.

Matt continued, his voice frustrated, "I cannot, for the life of me, forget the day I kissed you and how much I still wanted to. How much I wanted to chase after you that night, to kiss you again, I cannot stop thinking about it."

[imtrashraccoon]

It's here! I don't have a name for these series of connected prompts just yet but I'm sure I'll think of one! I was originally going to write the characters doing more in this chapter but it didn't work out. Still, I'm happy with this narrative I'm creating. By the way, I am planning on posting this to AO3 like all my other works if you want to check it out!

@owl-bones Please let me know if you don't want me to tag you for each prompt. Thanks for making the list!

Next Day.

Bad Sansuary: Horror - Hot Drinks

Word Count: 2,914

It was a dreary day today, yet despite the overcast sky and brisk breeze that often whipped snow into your face, it was the nicest it had been in days. You'd practically gone stir crazy after a freak snow storm had blown in several days ago and so now you were getting some much needed fresh air.

It had been an incredibly spontaneous decision to come out to this barely traveled trail. You'd been meaning to check out the area for ages but had been too busy in the fall. While your winter gear was generally enough to keep you warm on most days, it seemed like you should've worn an extra layer or two with how chilly it was out here in the woods in comparison to the city.

Regardless, you were moving at a steady enough pace to keep your blood pumping. So long as you weren't out here for longer than a few hours and got home before it got dark, you should be alright.

The walk had been every bit as beautiful as you'd expected it to be. While the forest was mostly made up of deciduous trees, you were now walking through a large grove of mature cedar trees, which just so happened to be your favorite type of conifers. The dense shrubbery served to insulate this part of the trail from both the wind and the sounds of the wild, not to mention that they smelled lovely as well.

The path made a sharp turn to the left up ahead, although right in front of you was a natural gap in the treeline, possibly made by animals as they passed through this grove. Feeling a tad curious, you ducked under the branches and emerged in a small clearing on the other side.

The clearing seemed to be natural as you couldn't see any signs of tree cutting, even with all the snow. It was framed on all sides by cedar trees whose boughs were blanketed in a thick layer of the white powder. It was strange though. You couldn't see anything that looked special about this little clearing and yet it was so peaceful here.

You'd only walked a few paces into the open space when you felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

Something was very wrong.

Some sort of primal instinct deep inside your soul screamed for you to duck and your body responded without even thinking about it.

You heard the unmistakable sound of an object whizzing through the air where you'd been standing moments prior.

You barely had time to register what happened before someone roughly grasped your shoulder and flung you into the snow.

You landed hard on your right side. The cold snow stung your face. There was pressure on your abdomen.

It took a moment for you to catch your breath. When you did though, you shifted slightly to see what had just attacked you, but as soon as you did so, the pressure on your side increased sharply.

A low rumbling growl was the only warning you got to stay put.

Now your mind was racing. This wasn't a random animal and no human could possibly sound like that. So could it be a monster? They'd been on the surface for a couple years now and were pretty commonplace in the city. In fact, you didn't know of any that would willingly choose to live out in the middle of nowhere after being trapped underground for centuries.

"Uh... H-hey, can...can we talk about this...?" Your voice came out much hoarser than you'd expected it to but you didn't know what else you could do right now.

Nothing happened for what felt like ages. You continued to stay as still as you possibly could, save for the pounding of your heart and how badly you were trembling. The snow was cold and your clothes were rapidly becoming soaked, but you barely registered it.

Your attacker suddenly shifted their body and the pressure on your abdomen eased, although it didn't go away entirely.

You chanced turning your head in their direction this time, rather than trying to move your entire body.

Your gaze immediately locked onto a singular glowing red eyelight. It belonged to a hulking figure of a skeleton monster who was currently pinning you to the ground. The eyelight itself took up almost the entirety of his socket and there was a thin line through the center, likely acting as a pupil. The only other details you could make out from this angle was that he was breathing rather heavily and he had a large hole on the top of the left side of his skull.

You didn't dare break eye contact for fear the monster would lash out suddenly if you did so. Whether it was how blown out his single pinprick looked or the tight smile that seemed much too wide for the current situation, but you could tell something was very wrong him right now.

Taking a shaky breath, you tried to speak to the skeleton again. "H-hey... Big guy... Are you...? Is something wrong?" you asked. Although to your frustration, your tongue betrayed how nervous you really were right now.

He said nothing and just continued to stare down at you, or maybe through you was more accurate. If looks could kill, you'd be dead at least a hundred times over.

For whatever reason, he wasn't actively restraining your arms, just preventing you from getting up. So against your better judgement, you slowly raised your left hand and reached for his face. Although you quickly discovered he was at least several inches out of range and you couldn't actually touch him.

His eyelight tracked your movements and seemed to focus on your outstretched fingers. He still said nothing though and just sat in silence.

"It's okay... Did I startle you earlier?" Your voice was becoming stronger the more you spoke and while you were still rather nervous, you were feeling a bit more confident than before.

He seemed to be acting pretty distant. The lights were on, pun unintended, but nobody was home. So what had stopped him from actually hurting you earlier? The only thing you could think of was when you tried to talk to him and since it seemed to be having a positive effect, you decided to keep doing that.

"Hey... Um, you scared me pretty bad, you know...?" No response. "But it's okay! I'm... I'm not mad or anything..."

People said you tended to ramble when nervous but you'd never believed them until now. Not that you'd been in many life or death situations before now to know, or at least none where talking your way out had been an option.

"Okay... I'm not going to hurt you, but... I'm going to try doing something." With a nervous chuckle, you added, "Just...don't take my hand off, okay...?"

You waited a moment to see if he'd try to respond but shocker, he still didn't react. So against your better judgement, you attempted to sit up so you could reach him. You moved slowly while keeping a close eye on him, but thankfully, he didn't show any signs of further aggression.

He startled when your mittened hand met the right side of his face. His red eyelight wobbled and flicked between your outstretched hand and your face. The corners of his painfully wide smile fell a fraction as he seemed to properly take in the current situation.

"Ah, that's better," you murmured. "You seemed far away so I was wondering if you could actually hear me. Are you...? Are you okay?"

He said nothing and continued to stare at you. Then his gaze flicked back to your hand and his bonebrows furrowed slightly. Before you could protest, he grasped your wrist and with some hesitation, jerked it away.

Crap... His hand is like twice the size of mine.

He let go of you and managed to stand up, staggering away from you. Complete shock was practically written across his skull and you could see how desperately his mind was scrambling to make sense of this awkward situation.

Although your muscles were a bit numb from the cold, you slowly crawled to your feet and attempted to dust yourself off. Although the snow had completely soaked through your pants and coat so your efforts were futile.

"..."

The mysterious skeleton muttered something that was so quiet, you almost didn't realize he'd said anything in the first place.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that..."

He blinked, somehow, and actually made eye contact with you this time before trying again. "...sorry..."

His tone was about as deep as you'd expected a guy of his size to sound, although it was also rather subdued. You couldn't be sure if that was just how he spoke or if he was feeling ashamed about what had just happened.

Speaking of his height though, this monster was much taller than you'd initially thought. He was easily more than a foot taller than you were, even with the way he was purposely hunching his shoulders. Was he trying to make himself look smaller?

"It's alright, you didn't actually hurt me," you responded.

He gave you a strange look but didn't say anything else, instead he started looking around in the snow.

Feeling rather awkward, you chewed your lower lip and kicked a small clump of snow. He didn't seem like much of a conversationalist and you didn't blame him right now.

After a moment of searching, he seemed to find what he'd been looking for a couple paces ahead and to the left of where you were currently standing - a large axe with a rather sharp blade. The way it was stuck in the snow suggested he'd actually hurled it at you and the thought of how close your brush with death had really been, sent chills down your spine.

But, if he had intended to kill you from the beginning, how come he'd hesitated to follow through?

You watched as he hefted the axe onto his shoulder with minimal effort. There was one more question on your mind now though.

Who was he?

Taking a step forward, you cleared your throat to get his attention. "Do you need me to call someone?"

He straightened up a bit more but remained facing away from you. "...no."

You frowned and pressed again, "Then...do you live nearby? Do you need help getting home?"

"...no," he responded in that same quiet tone. He turned to look at you again but this time his expression seemed more perplexed than anything.

You didn't know what to say next. You wanted to do something, anything, to help him, but he'd denied each of your attempts to do so. You couldn't just walk away now, not when he was so clearly struggling with something.

"what's with you?"

His question was a bit surprising and it took a second for you to come up with an answer. "You're hurting... I just want to make sure you'll be okay..."

He threw his skull back and laughed. It was a slow, bitter sounding laugh that nearly broke your heart to hear. After what felt like several long minutes, his laughter finally calmed down and he fixed you with a scrutinizing look once again.

"i just about killed ya."

You nodded solemnly, "But you didn't..."

He cut you off with a harsh glare. "and you're incredibly lucky right now..." he growled. "...i'm a dangerous person and you're pretty foolish for stickin' around this long."

You crossed your arms in annoyance. "Yeah, I guess I am foolish..." you huffed. "I don't know how to leave people be, I'm too nice for my own good, and I can't say no to people even if I really don't want to do what they ask me to. So yeah, I know I'm foolish!"

He raised a bonebrow as your voice got louder and louder but let you keep ranting until you'd gotten everything out. Running his free hand over his skull, he chuckled quietly. "wow...sounds like you've had a lot of experience, huh?"

"No kidding..." you muttered.

His footsteps crunched through the snow as he moved closer and you looked up at him again when he stopped about a foot away. He seemed to size you up for a moment before his permanent grin widened slightly.

"you're a funny human..."

You balked and took a step back. "Wha...? What's that supposed to mean?" you stammered.

He chuckled again and placed his free hand on your left shoulder. His touch was much gentler this time, even with the tips of his phalanges being rather sharp like claws.

"just that. ya got spunk to look at a guy like me an' think 'i can help him'." He hummed thoughtfully and then asked, "so how'd ya do it?"

"Do what?"

"shake me out of it..." He trailed off and a confused frown flickered across his face for a moment. "you were talkin' but i don't remember what you said until you touched me..."

"I don't understand. I didn't do anything more than that though. I just... You seemed...like you were somewhere else and not fully aware of what was happening? I guess I thought that maybe physical contact might help?"

"huh, interestin'..." he murmured thoughtfully. "so you've never heard of intent?"

You frowned slightly. The way he'd specifically put emphasis on that word made you think it meant something different than what you'd initially thought. "I can't say I have," you said with a shrug.

He started to respond when a sudden gust of wind blew through the small clearing and caused you to shudder as the cold air went right through your soaked clothing. You clutched your coat closer and stamped your feet in an effort to warm up.

Changing the subject, he made a quiet tisk sound and commented, "you'll catch your death if ya stay out here much longer, human."

A little voice in the back of your head wanted to retort that you wouldn't be this cold if it weren't for him, but that would be cruel, so you didn't. Instead, you gave a little laugh and tried to smile, but it wasn't exactly easy with how badly your teeth were chattering.

"Um, my car's not that far from here and before I left the house this morning I made a thermos of hot coffee... If you'd like some...?"

He laughed, much more genuinely this time by the way, and shook his skull. "crazy human... do ya have no self-preservation instincts or somethin' ?" he asked in a tone that practically screamed "ya can't be serious?".

You nodded, "Compared to some men I've met, you've been downright pleasant to make conversation with." Turning to head back to the trail, you added, "It's probably a good thing you took me by surprise though, because I definitely would've tried to fight you if I'd seen you coming."

"you'd definitely be dead then," he muttered bitterly.

You chose not to continue this morbid train of thought and walked on in silence. It was a bit surprising that he'd decided to actually take you up on your offer, considering he'd rejected every other one, but you didn't mind in the slightest.

After a few minutes of travel, you asked, "Do you have a name?"

He made a low humming sound before answering. "axe..." He grinned when you shot him a confused look and nodded his skull towards the weapon he had slung over his shoulder.

"I see... It's kind of...fitting? If I can say that?"

"mhm. what about you?"

"Oh! How rude of me... It's..." you gave him your name, "Sorry, I guess I completely forgot my manners in the heat of the moment..." You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly.

Axe repeated your name out loud a few times like he was trying to commit it to memory. You paid him no mind as you knew all too well how annoying it was to forget someone's name. You didn't think you'd ever forget his though, not with how crazy today had been.

You caught him typing something into his phone out of the corner of your eye before he slipped it back into the pocket of his shorts again. He really hadn't needed to borrow your phone afterall it seemed.

"i am sorry for scarin' ya that badly...and for nearly killin' ya too," Axe muttered. He looked rather sheepish all of the sudden, like his previous apology wasn't nearly good enough now that you'd talked a little.

You waved him off and smiled warmly. "Hey, it's fine now. I'm not mad at you for something you couldn't help."

"i'm surprised you're not askin' more questions about me or why that happened in the first place..."

"Do you want to tell me?"

He shook his skull silently and glanced away.

"That's fine then... If you're gonna be okay now, then that's all I care about."

You hummed happily as your little car came into view at the side of the road where you'd parked it earlier. That coffee sounded absolutely divine right about now and you were so glad you'd decided to make it. Thank your lucky stars you'd thought ahead today.

Your companion had grown rather silent all of the sudden and when you glanced at him, you saw his bonebrows seemed to be knit together in deep thought. While you definitely were curious about him and where he came from, you didn't want to pry into something that wasn't your business.

Besides, the less you knew, the better...

[musicfashionmonsters]

Love Should've Brought You Home

Random short based off of a JH story I'm free styling writing. It has nothing to do with the story itself, though some facts from the latter may present themselves.

Warning: Angst ahead

Synopsis: Jack is engaged to his former high school girlfriend Simone after they reconnected and began dating in their adult years. As the stress of their careers, wedding planning and their relationship weighs heavy on them, Jack begins a five month affair with a woman he met at a party. Growing tired of lying and sneaking around, he decides to tell Simone everything.

Main Cast: Jack Harlow and Jourdan Riane (as Simone)

Cameos: None

Mad Love Library Masterlist

Jack laid back in the comfortable California king bed staring up at the ceiling as Stacey laid asleep next to him. He looked over at her, though his mind was elsewhere. He thought about Simone, his fiancee of a year and a half and the only woman to have gotten him near the full point of marriage.

The two of them had known each other since they were 14 years old and dated from ages 15 to 17. They'd broken up months before graduation due to their differences in plans and Jack's acceptance of gaining attention from other girls. She wanted to pursue a degree while he wanted to chase his rap career. Though the two supported each other's dreams and remained faithful to each other, the relationship didn't last.

Others thought they would be the high school sweethearts that stayed together through college age and eventually get married and have kids. The two of them secretly thought that as well.

Simone Le'vine was the name she was given at birth and what the world knew her as, but he knew her as Monie. A Louisville native of both French and Haitian decent with the brains, beauty and spirit to match. Hypnotizing brown eyes, brown skin, beautiful naturally curly hair that he liked to run his fingers through when it wasn't in a protective style, long legs with thick thighs and an ass he loved to grasp in his palms. She'd earned her degree in both business and psychology while in college, though she became a model due to being discovered shortly before her graduation.

She had been on nearly every famous magazine cover known in and outside of the US and even walked a few runways. Though her height was only 5'7, designers were mesmerized by her with every step she'd take.

The two of them reconnected at the 2022 Met Gala with plenty of hostility from her end which he understood. A civil conversation between them eventually took place and they renewed their friendship, though Jack knew he wanted her back. Simone wanted him back as well, but didn't want to come off so eager. Which she wasn't.

They'd gotten back together and things had been great the past three years. Until Stacey came along.

He'd met Stacey at an awards after party nearly five months ago and the two had been sneaking around ever since. She met her around the time that he and Simone had been bickering and having petty arguments back and forth. It didn't help that Simone had a male friend that she was close with who was also in the industry she was in. The guy rarely hid his desire for her or the fact he wanted her to be with him instead of Jack.

It pissed him off more when he would comment on every photo she would post or the photos he would take with her, alluding to there being something more between them. Sometimes he wondered if there was.

He looked over at Stacey's sleeping figure once more, shaking his head to himself. She wasn't even half of what Simone was and he began to think with his head up top instead of down below.

He needed to come clean with his woman and stop whatever he had with Stacey.

He flipped back the covers and got out of the bed to put his clothes on. As he dressed himself, Stacey turned over, her eyes fluttering open as she looked at him.

"Leaving so soon?" She asked in her sleepy voice.

"Honestly, I should've left sooner." He admitted honestly and grabbed his New Balance sneakers, "Look, I might as well go ahead and tell you now. This is the last time we're gonna see each other."

Stacey immediately sat up, covering herself with the comforter.

"What? Why? Did I do something wrong?" She asked him, concern laced in her tone.

"It's not you that did something wrong, it's me. I should've never started this...thing with you. I have a woman waiting for me at home that I love and I'm here with you. This should never have happened." He shook his head, slipping on his sneakers.

"Wait, Jack. Just wait. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that what you and me had is done. I'm going home to my woman and I'm telling her everything that's been happening."

Stacey scoffed and chuckled humorlessly, "And you really think it's that easy? You think she's gonna just welcome you with open arms? From what you've been telling me, she never has welcomed you with open arms."

"You know nothing about her or the history we have." He defended, "That woman knows me better than anybody else and look at what I'm doing to her. It took a while for me to get her back and this is how I treat her. I'm going back where I belong and you and me are done."

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, leaning back against the headboard.

"Fine, do whatever. When she kicks you out of the house and breaks up with you, don't come crawling back to me."

"Believe me...I won't. Made the mistake of crawling to you once, a second time is not needed to remind me."

He grabbed his phone, keys and wallet and walked out of the bedroom towards the front door. He left, got into his car and immediately started the engine before pulling out of the driveway.

When he arrived back to Simone's house in the last night hour, he used his key and carefully the front door, quietly closing it behind him. He tiptoed through the spacious entryway, making sure not to make too much noise.

Suddenly, the lights in the living room came on and he looked to see Simone sitting on the large sectional with her arms crossed. If looks could kill, he would be a dead man.

"Studio session must've ran late, huh?" She questioned him, the look of anger swirling in her eyes.

Jack rubbed the back of his neck and walked closer towards her, "Yeah, about that...um, I wasn't at the studio."

"No, really? I had no idea." She expressed in fake shock, tilting her head.

"Cut the sarcasm, Monie."

"You don't get to tell me that. I don't wanna hear shit from you except her name. Who is she?" She badgered him.

He sighed and looked down at his feet.

"Her name is Stacey." He confessed.

"And how long have you been seeing her?"

The guilt began to sit in more and he sighed a second time.

"Five months." He mumbled.

Simone chuckled humorlessly, pinching the bridge of her nose and bit her bottom lip as she attempted to suppress her rage before directing her attention back to him.

"Five months? Five MONTHS?!" She exclaimed, standing up from the couch. "We're supposed to get married in six months and you've been sleeping around on me with some random bitch?!"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry! You and I were arguing so much back and forth and neither one of us wanted to listen to each other. I met her at an after party and she just-"

"Distracted you from the problems we had when you should've been talking to the main one you have the problems with?" She finished his sentence, crossing her arms.

"Baby, princess...I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it, I really don't. I know I should've been thinking with my head up top and I should've talked to you first instead of letting her come between us. I don't want her. I even told her I'd come clean to you and I broke things off with her because I couldn't live with doing that to you."

"Clearly, you could live with it. You made it five months, what's a lifetime?"

She scoffed deeply and pushed past him, marching up the stairs to the bedroom. He was hot on her trails, following her upstairs and watched as she grabbed a suitcase from the walk-in closet.

"I know I fucked up, there's no excuse for it. I was wrong and I'll do whatever to make this right. Just please give me another chance." He begged her.

Simone remained quiet as she packed some clothes and other belongings into the suitcase.

"Come on, baby. Why are you packing a suitcase? Where are you going?" He asked, keeping his eyes onto her.

She chuckled humorlessly again and looked at him.

"I'm not going anywhere. See, I don't know if you forgot, but I paid for this house and I pay for the bills that go with it." She reminded him and pointed at the suitcase, "These are your things."

"Baby, please don't. I don't want her, I don't need her and I don't even love her! I love you!" He expressed desperately.

"You love me?! You love me, huh?! Is this how you treat somebody you love?! Sneaking around and fucking some other bitch behind my back?! Lying to me for months?! If that's your idea of "love", I don't fucking want it! Love should've brought your ass home to me instead of her for the past five months!" She raged, angrily zipping up the suitcase.

Tears filled both of their eyes as she took the suitcase off of the bed and placed it in front of him.

"That should be everything. Anything else, I'll have it sent to you."

"Princess, I don't want this. I don't want to be without you. I don't want anybody else, I want you. I want you forever. Let me know what I can do to make this right. I swear I'll do anything." He pleaded, cupping her cheeks into his palms.

"You know what you can do?" She caressed his cheek.

"I'll do anything. You name it."

All of a sudden, Simone reached back and slapped him as hard as she could. Jack stumbled back slightly and held his reddened cheek, looking at her sorrowfully.

"You can take the suitcase and get the fuck out of my house. I don't want to see you right now, if at all." She spoke calmly, her voice trembling in anger and betrayal.

"Princess..."

"Get out, Thomas. NOW." She demanded.

They always used each other's middle names whenever a situation at hand was not one to be taken lightly. It was also a way to show just how upset one or the other truly was by something that was done or said.

Knowing there was no changing her mind, Jack grabbed the suitcase and began walking out of the bedroom.

"Oh, I just remembered. You did forget something." She spoke up.

She reached for the seven carat engagement ring on her finger and threw it at him. It bounced off of his chest and he looked down at it, feeling more tears fill his eyes. He grabbed the ring off of the floor and looked at her as the tears fell down her face.

A burned memory that he'd never forget. He had no one to blame for it but himself. Usually, he'd be the one wiping her tears from someone else causing her harm. Now, the cause of her tears were on his hands.

Not another word was said as he held the suitcase in his hand and walked down the stairs and out of the door.

If she never wanted to see him again, he knew she would've been well within her rights. He did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do ever when they got back together.

He broke her heart and her trust.

[mikashisus]

Memories of You

“i’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. i’d write love poems to the parts of yourself you can’t stand. i’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you i’m not afraid of your dark.”

— andrea gibson

summary: In which, Barbatos reflects on a distant past, a time where he felt the cruel sting of first love.

pairing: venti x fem!reader

content warnings: death, angst

wc: 1.7k

author’s notes: this has been sitting in my drafts for awhile. decided to post it here since i dont want it to go to waste yk.

i recommend listening to iris by the goo goo dolls while u read! enjoy! <3

Aether shuffled his way through the busy streets of Mondstadt, craning his neck to look for the ever playful bard.

This time of year had rolled around once again: the time of the Windblume Festival.

Mondstadt was a romantic and free city, without the rule of royalty. And although many years had passed since the people last saw their beloved archon, he still wandered the streets as a carefree bard— an archon hidden in plain sight, though his "disguise" actually should've given him away a long time ago.

At the sound of singing, Paimon gasped and grabbed Aether's attention by pulling on his arm. "Look!" She pointed ahead, where Venti had been standing in front of the mighty statue of Barbatos. "The tone-deaf bard is performing again! Let's get closer!" She floated above the heads of the crowd, glancing back at Aether while he struggled to get to the front.

Akin to Venti's many other songs, this one told a story of a harrowing tale. Of a love found through festivals and flowers, of a maiden with stars in her eyes and a smile as warm as the sun.

She was as beautiful as the sky on a cloudless night, with grace like that of royalty. Every word she spoke flowed off her tongue like liquid gold, and each press of her fingertips were as light as a feather. Crafted from the finest marble and made to be worshipped like a goddess.

She fell in love with a boy, one filled with determination and courage. A boy who cared a little too much for others and never for himself.

A boy who sought freedom, up until the very end.

The story continued, with the girl clueless as to the boy's death. Not having witnessed his final moments and final words, she was left in the dark, never to know he passed on because his form was taken on by someone else.

His memory was preserved, and she found him after a long while of wandering on her own. Tears were shed, and wine was brewed in celebration, and as the Anemo Archon bestowed a blessing of protection onto her, he whispered to her through the wind and together they created what was now known to be the Windblume Festival.

The people of Mondstadt joined in, and the tradition was carried down through the generations. The song ended on a happy note, but Aether could sense there was something more to the story.

As the people around him clapped for Venti's stellar performance and eventually dispersed, Aether took his chance to finally speak with the bard.

"Ah, Aether! Paimon!" Venti greeted with a smile, his voice a little strained. There was something clearly wrong. "How are you enjoying another Windblume Festival? Is it as exciting as the others?"

Paimon hummed excitedly. "Mhm! It's so nice seeing the city decked out! And I bet you're having the time of your life with all this wine too!" She pointed accusingly to the wine left at the foot of the Barbatos statue, along with multiple bouquets of cecilias.

Venti laughed nervously before clearing his throat. "Shh!" He brought a finger to his lips and spoke softly, "Don't blow my cover!"

"Who was that song about?" Aether questioned, getting straight to the point instead of beating around the bush.

He knew Venti was familiar with whomever was in that ballad, as he knew many people throughout history and was knowledgeable on many events. He knew how the Golden Apple Archipelago was formed (because he was behind it), the history of all the festivals in Mondstadt (because he created them), and especially— what happened 2,600 years ago during the reign of Decarabian.

Venti's face fell, a solemn smile adorning his lips. "Ah, that. Nothing gets past you, does it?" He tried to lighten the mood with a small laugh. He sighed, "Meet me at Old Mondstadt. I'll tell you the story in full there. But first, there's something I must do. I'll see you there."

Aether nodded, watching as Venti disappeared into a gust of wind and dandelions. He followed the bard's orders and began to trek into the mountains, ignoring Paimon's theories and complaints on the way.

The wind blew especially hard here, a testament to the ruins that withstood time. He wandered the outskirts as he waited for Venti, taking in the breathtaking scenery.

A gust of wind blew his braid around, and he squinted his eyes until it died down a little. There was no doubt in his mind that that had been Venti making a grand entrance. He turned to his right, and sure enough, his suspicions were correct. The lonesome bard stood there with a look of nostalgia in his eyes and a small bouquet of cecilias in his hand.

"It was over two thousand years ago, before the fall of Decarabian," he began, his tone turning serious. Aether could tell he was no longer talking to Venti, and was now speaking with Barbatos. There was always a notable difference between the two.

Venti was a carefree bard who represented the true meaning of freedom. He had no worries and lived everyday to its fullest. He traveled the world and sang songs from the past, present, and even the future. He was jovial and exceptionally fun to be around. Barbatos on the other hand, was on the calmer and wiser side. He was full of regrets, and although being labeled the god of freedom, he wasn't free in the slightest. He carried the memories of his fallen friends, and held a deep rooted fear of the heavens above. He's seen the cruelty of the world, experienced it for himself, and drank his worries away until he felt numb.

He was kind and gentle towards his people, loved them with all his heart and protected them from threats. He promised them everlasting freedom, even if it meant giving up his own in turn for it. He never abandoned them, and always listened to the prayers they whispered along the wind. He tried his best to answer said prayers, giving hope to his people and blessing them with joyful days. He walked among them, saw them as equals and never as inferior.

Among the gods Aether has met, two have struck a serious chord within him. The gods of freedom and wisdom, two who were the kindest and most loving.

"I met a girl..." Venti continued, taking a sharp inhale. "Well... my friend did. The two of them met during the rebellion. They loved each other dearly, and before I knew what was happening, I had also fallen in love with her." He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"I watched as they lived out their days happily together, despite what was going on. I thought it cruel to wish that was me loving her instead of him, but... I supported them, because that was the only thing I could do." He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "And then it happened... my friend passed, and his final words to me were a song. I ascended to godhood not long after, and brought his memory back into the world."

"And now his form represents what the Anemo Archon looks like..." Aether said softly, receiving a slow nod in return. It was crazy to think about that: that the Anemo Archon statue in the city, and the statues of The Seven littered throughout Mondstadt depicted the nameless bard's form, and not Barbatos'. In fact, he never realized that until now.

"I couldn't let his memory be forgotten." Venti shook his head. "And now it never will be." A small silence passed as the three of them let that fact sink in. Venti closed his eyes and continued his story. "After his death and my ascension, I found her again. She was older— she was a mortal after all. And her beautiful features had not changed at all. Our reunion was bittersweet, as it wasn't me she was looking at, but my friend. It hurt, but I dared not tell her my true identity.

"We continued on, and I got to love her in his stead. I wrote her poems and sang her ballads, even sung some of the ones he dedicated to her. As the Anemo Archon and the god of freedom, I sought out peace and freedom for my people. I made festivals, one of them being the Windblume Festival. I dedicated the festival of love and cheer to her, and in the song I wrote about her, I tweaked the story a little.

"I changed it so that both her and I created the Windblume Festival. That way, she would always be a huge part of Mondstadt's history. Just like my friend."

"What happened after?" Paimon asked, a little too invested into this story. So much so, that she didn't realize how much of an impact her question had on him.

He bit his lip, his eyes turning glossy as he looked down at the cecilias he held tightly in his hands. "She died, never knowing what truly happened to the one she loved, and never knowing that I am Barbatos." The wind picked up, a clear sign of his bubbling emotions, and he made quick work to calm down. He couldn't be seen like this, vulnerable and upset. It tarnished his image as a jovial bard.

He led them inside the ruined tower, descending a few sets of stairs until they reached a spacious room. He walked ahead as the other two gawked in wonder, and knelt down next to a masterless vision. Her vision. He placed the bouquet of cecilias overtop of the vision, closing his eyes and paying his respects before he stood back up.

"It's okay, though. She didn't need to know that I am Barbatos to know that I loved her."

author’s notes: didn't realize until after i wrote this that the windblume festival was created FOR the anemo archon & not by him 💀 mb ig

barbatos created ludi harpastum tho, i do know that. i think i got the two mixed up when writing but wtv. we'll just pretend he created the windblume festival lmfao

this was written before the events of 4.0.

masterlist!

[circledotdestroy]

Retrospective - Chapter 5: Let’s Rock

Pairing: Shouta Aizawa x F! Pro-Hero! Reader (the slowest burn)Main summary: After 12 years, you, Pro-Hero Strife, has to return to Japan. Your objective: discreetly track down and capture Akari Kaneko, a.k.a. Pro-Hero Aegis— your old classmate who attacked you during her visit in America. In the aftermath of All Might losing his power, however, using UA resources has its complications. The most unexpected complication being Aizawa, someone you never expected to see again. Why does your past have to come back to haunt you now? Masterlist First Chapter Last Chapter Word Count: 3,869 words

A/N: Hey, I'm back. Sorry for the long gap between this chapter and the last. I know I said i was supposed to be post more frequently last time. This chapter was a struggle for me to write because I lost my grandmother to cancer a few weeks ago and that kinda caused a depressive episode. I think I'm better now tho! There's a lot of stuff going on with the anime and manga (I can't believe its ending) so if anyone wants to discuss, i'm here Anyway, thank you for stopping by, and I hope you enjoy the show!

The screeching device rattled from your hand to your skull.

A child-lock. Uh huh. If the past was in the past, what’s this about? You shoved the gym doors wide open letting all the heat escape the room. As you take a step forward, you wince at explosions blasting through the room. You forgot how hero training areas can rival a construction site in terms of noise. A tight grin cracked on your face as you scanned the potential disaster zone.

Where’s Eraserhead?

Around the rocks? You wondered about walking the perimeter.  Behind the towers, you tilted your head. Hiding?

Mere seconds and the adrenaline in the room burrows into your nervous system with the heat waves. You did the math from the time he left— from the time he left you were supposed to have at least 20 minutes, but you were caught off at 17. Three minutes can start and end a fight, you thought as you weaved through rocks falling from the sky. Did he really think you’d intentionally waste his time?

A rock the size of a steroid-addled moose hurdled toward you.  A loud CRACK traveled through the room—fragments raining around you. Holding your arm out you looked around you. Where the hell did that come from?  

“Are you okay?!” You turned your head to the direction of fast, frantic steps toward you. It was the boy in the knight outfit running toward you with smoke coming out of his calves. You glanced at the scratched knuckles of your gloves then gave it a shake to take the remaining dust off. 

Turns out there was dust all over your uniform. That’s no way to make a first impression on the boy who was racing to meet you. As you continued brushing yourself off you took a good look at the state of his uniform, also covered in debris, especially the guards on his legs. When he was close enough to speak to you nodded at him. “Kicked that rock pretty far—are you conditioning?” 

The boy's eyes widened behind his glass as color drained from his face. He “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to—”  

“Hey, hey, hey,” you interrupted him as his arms went to his side. The boy was confounded by the disruption. “You don’t have to say sorry. I’m not hurt. I conditioned my hands a long time ago. I was a little older than you then, and I’m extremely old now.” You scanned the room swiftly to see if Eraser had decided to investigate the noise, to no avail. “You can go back to your training,” you finished, waving the boy off. 

Before you can go back to your mission the student stopped you. “Wait, I’m the class representative, and a student at UA. I should've been a better example…”

“Then do better next time? There’s a lot of people in here, think about that before you kick the big rock somewhere.”

“I see…” The boy’s hand came up to his chin as he pieced together what you said. You couldn't help wondering if your accent somehow got worse between the meeting and now.  “All of the students training in the gym together is not only about our ultimate moves, but about our awareness of our environment as well,” he commented, although it was clear he was talking to himself. “I take your advice to heart! Thank you—uh?

“Strife. I’m the Pro-Hero Strife.”

“And I am Iida Tenya.” The boy said bowing before you. “Thank you for your advice, Ms. Pro-Hero Strife.” 

You pressed your lips in a tight line looking across the room as the boy continued to bow in gratitude. In all your years, you’ve never quite understood what you were supposed to do in these types of situations. Having someone bow at you was up there with people singing happy birthday or crying, in terms of you not knowing what to do. The best thing you knew to do in either of those situations was move it along as fast as possible. 

Luckily it didn’t last for as long as it felt it would. The boy stood upright and gestured toward the device you held. “Ms. Pro-Hero Strife? I don’t mean to be rude but your tablet has been ringing this whole time.”

“Yeah,” you lifted the tablet higher. “I was borrowing this from Eraserhead. The screaming won’t stop until I get it back to him. Have you seen your teacher?” Apparently he was exactly the one to ask, giving you precise instructions on where to find him. Mic should really take up some lessons from this kid.

By the time you spotted Eraser standing by the side entrance, the one that came from outside, your need to roll up and say “What the hell is wrong with you? I thought we were cool—” was gone.  Explosions and the sound of bowling balls striking drowned out the sound of the tablet. Getting closer to Eraser your spine heats up like a wire. Your eyes locked onto the girl with pink skin above you on a plateau immediately. You crossed her path like a black cat, giving her a slight wave, but not truely stopping to interact with her. She waved back before nearly getting hit on the head by a Smile Man. Two steps later your spine increased by a few more degrees. Still feeling her eyes you glance back to see she was drawing the pathway between you and her teacher. When you reached your destination, you held out Eraser’s stupid little tablet.

“You’re here.” He took the tablet off your hands and tapped at the screen disabling the alarm. “Did you get the information you needed,” he asked with holding the tablet closer, swiping and tapping at the screen. 

A passive aggressive half-thought bubbled in your mind, but floated away just as quick. You weren’t trying to start anything and you were just relieved there was no more high pitched screeching in the menagerie of sound. “For now, yes,” you answered, turning to stand next to him. 

The mountain range ahead was truly something else. Three of the mountains had their own light show going on. One of the mountain tops had a laser beam, another had a full solar flare that made the mountain look like a volcano, and the third was capped with flaming ice. From your time in both countries you can confidently say that pretty lights were one of two things that people across the world could get excited about. Think about it, fireworks, lasers, glow-in-the-dark toys, neon lights— who doesn’t like those things? The only downside these things could have is that they’re often paired with loud noises. Like the explosions in the air and bone rattling booms hitting the pavement.

As you watched the lights, Eraser fiddled with his device, reading something you can’t see on the screen. He didn’t look confused at all so he couldn’t have read your notes.

“I spoke to your class president,” you continued, putting your attention on the flaming ice. “Your students are very serious.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be.” 

“All of them, or just Iida?” You grin at the swaying flames in the distance. Eraser lowered his tablet and set his eyes on you. Your spine started to heat up and you didn’t have to mention moose-sized rock or how his student tried to apologize to you. “You shouldn’t get nervous, he was training and he’s supposed to improve… I can see—I think he cares more about training than we did.”

“When did you ever care about anything?”

You chuckled and looked at the flames again, “I cared. Less than you but I still cared.”

“I’m sure you did…”

“Iida should work on his aim for his Ultimate Move. I’m sure we both know a giant flying rock could really hurt someone.” Eraser doesn’t respond. Warm air begins to suffocate you next to him. Out of all the dumb jokes you could’ve made that’s what you chose? Adjusting the guards on your arms you looked off. A few Smile Mans— Smile Men(?), were still with the students you could see. The other man, the Cement Snowman was missing, either having left or camouflaged extremely well. That left the only actual adult you’d rather be with— “Where’s Midnight, anyway?”

“She’s helping a student on the other side of the room,” Eraser stated plainly. The explosions from above shook the room as it did before. Bits and pieces shatter and fall onto the main path connecting the mountains and plateaus together. 

“Alright then…” Somehow the steep slants and the narrow trails with falling ruble looked more comfortable then how this conversation felt.

Shifting your weight side to side, the image of stumbling, toppling over the side consumes your thoughts. Yet you still took a step forward. With Midnight on the other side of the gym, and Mic not around at all, you needed to make your own exit. The only practical excuse you could think of was observing the students close and that meant… Looking up toward the looming peaks you gulped.  The looming peaks made you gulp. 

Another heat wave flushed your skin and buried into your bones. Your skull felt like it was expanding. If you weren’t working then you wouldn’t have been okay with this. Eraser of all people should know damn-well you wouldn’t have, maybe that’s what he was relying on. Here you were though, poised and marched into your work as you always did. 

Adrenaline was in the air. 

You’ll work with this.

Eraser called out after you before  you left his sight. “You're not taking notes?” He held the tablet out toward you, but you put your focus on the path ahead. You declined. He’d probably put another one of those god-awful alarms again. His head turned from where you stood to what was behind. 

“Are you sure you can walk okay?”

Your lungs filled with sand. “Why wouldn’t I be?” You smiled as your heart picked up the pace. Did he notice it when you were in the observation room? Or was it the meeting? It’s possible he noticed before than and chose not to say anything before now. The way he tucked the tablet under his arm told you nothing about what could’ve given you away. “The path isn’t smooth. I can ask Cementoss to make a wall if you’re worried about falling.” 

“I’m good,” you said, your smile turned tight. So he didn’t notice your injury, he just wanted to use your past fears against you. Go figure. “I’m going now. Bye.” You didn’t give him a chance to respond before you turned and dropped your grin. You sighed and prepared yourself for the journey ahead.

Having to ignore your fears for the sake of a mission was nothing new. You’ve had to climb and jump off objects at great heights to face opponents and beasts alike. Occasionally you had to jump from one rooftop to another when you worked in a main city. The main difference between then and now was you had a goal. If that’s all you needed…. All you had to do was approach every trainee. Get enough information on their quirk to have an idea then move on. That’s easy! You already saw the class rep, who has speed. He has a good amount of power if he was able to kick that boulder at you. When you punched it, it felt like it was about 1200 pounds–good to know…

You walked past a few more students. The boy with super strength, the other boy with the tail, diaper boy… The next student on the roster was a girl with a frog-themed uniform. She worked on camouflage, which could be seen as strange considering she’s wearing bright green. Then again you wore bright red and she hasn’t noticed you. Actually now that you think about it, the last three didn’t either…

Well that’s awful!

 Grabbing an outlying curve in the wall beside you broke off a chunk. Staring at the back of the girl's head, you counted to ten, but she hadn’t sensed your presence. You squeezed the chunk with both hands until it crumbled to bits. Twenty seconds and the girl still hasn't seen you. You picked a pebble to place between your fingers. Pointed, aimed, then fired toward the wall behind her. She leapt out of the way as a projectile pebble flew past her. 

You hummed. The lack of awareness was concerning, for her and the other students you walked past. However, her reflexes are good for a first year. Shrugging you continued your hike ready to find your next target. 

Flicking pebbles toward students yielded some interesting results. Out of the ten you launched pebbles toward, eight students with the first girl included, had excellent reaction times. Then of those eight, three students– a tall boy with extra arms, a girl who created a giant iron bar, and the girl with pink skin, who shrieked and melted the pebble on instinct–spotted you after stones were thrown. Of course you apologized and said they could ignore you. 

What you weren’t prepared for was student eleven. Unlike the first ten, he stood by a giant generator. The coat of paint was the same green of the robots used for challenges and tests when you were a student. When you entered his vicinity, he faced the path and waved enthusiastically. “Oh, hey!” It caught you off guard. You tried to subtly put the pebbles into your pocket as you met him halfway. The pebbles scattered across his platform when you felt your work phone. The boy, one of the little rockstars from earlier, buffered as he saw them roll away. “So that’s what you were doing— I was wondering when you were gonna get to me! You’re a Pro, right? I’ve never seen you before, where are you from?”

You thought of how to answer the question, but was interrupted by someone below you. “Kaminari! Is that mystery woman up there with you? Who is she?”

“I don’t know! She was about to tell me before you had to interrupt!”

“Well, excuse me for— AAHH!” The girl shrieked. You jumped to the edge of the platform with grit teeth leaving the boy behind you. “Aizawa-sensei!” The girl became pastel at the sight of her teacher drawing closer. 

“Do you have an ultimate move ready, Ashido?”

The girl slumped, “no… But who is SHE,” the girl pointed up at you. Standing upright again, you waved at the two beneath you. When you stopped waving, you used that hand to brush on top of the itching wound and dug your nails in. Eraser kept his eyes on you and you tilted your head back at him. 

The boy, Kaminari, stepped closer to the ledge. “Yeah, she just showed up unannounced in the hallway. We’ve been dying to know!”

Eraser’s hair raised toward his student, but the energy flowing through you stopped leaving you cold. You forced your weight to bended knees. “Does it make a difference to your training?” Dizziness struck you at the distance between where you and they stood. Your side was burning hot, probably because of your little hike. Stepping away, you’ll look suspicious; but if you did nothing you could topple over. You swallowed. How were you supposed to make him stop? Kaminari was downtrodden— he and Ashido didn’t get there answer

“Good morning, I’m Pro-Hero Strife,” you said as kind as you could muster despite yourself. After a split-second of confusion, the students brightened up. “I’m here to help you with your license exams.” You looked toward Ashido who beamed with energy as Eraser’s hair fell back in place. “I’m sorry I didn’t say my name earlier. We wanted you to focus on Ultimate Moves.” As you explain, the warmth of your energy creeped back into your spine. You took your focus off the girl to say a half-hearted apology to Eraser, a simple “my bad, I won’t distract your students again. I mean it— forever, for life.” Now came the exit strategy: “You will know more about me later with everyone in your class okay? Focus on training for now, cool? Cool. ” you and the girl waved goodbye at one another as you stepped away with a sigh.

“I know— Aizawa is scary sometimes,” said Kaminari. 

You chuckle at the statement. “Really? And he lets you call him ‘Aizawa’, casually? My old teacher would’ve made you run laps around campus.”

“Wait, you went here?”

“Yeah, fifteen years ago– I’m like really old.” You nodded.

Kaminari hummed, “doesn’t that make you the same age as Aizawa?”

“Are you ready for that exam now,” you asked. You didn’t feel like giving a history lesson on your personal life at the moment. The flare in your back spiked as the trainee’s curiosity dropped into horror. “No? Alright, then I guess it’s time for me to go,” you held your hand out to the boy catching him off guard. “Right, we don’t usually shake hands with—”

Kaminari shook your hand enthusiastically, “it was cool meeting you!”

After shaking hands, you went back to scaling the mountain. If how you felt earlier told you anything, time was ticking. You needed to hurry before you made your condition worse. Patting at the phone at your side, you thought of whether you should call the medic. When you’re alone you’ll make the decision. You could only call when you were in your hotel room. If anything, after training you can find a way to leave if it gets to that point. 

After Kaminari, you passed by three other students— the boy with red hair punching away at the wall, the other rockstar who made smaller rocks explode, and the boy with the burn scar who was responsible for the flaming ice. You didn’t bother launching pebbles at them. Moving things along, three more students were left at the top. Two of them, a boy and a girl, were in the sky–you don’t know how to work with that, the other one you couldn’t see was shooting something from the platform above you. You squinted at the shiny line in the distance, as you approached closer. Was this plastic—

The ground slid beneath you, then it was gone. You fell parallel to the plastic piling on the floor. The length was the same as a three story house. You attempted to grab the knife at your side, you moved the phone in your pocket, but grasped at nothing.

That’s right… Campus visitors couldn’t bring weapons into school; and you didn't even sign the official papers yet. Falling down, your body twisted until you faced the wall. Generating as much force as you could, you jabbed at the rock.

Fireworks burst your eardrum when your right hand pierced a hole in the wall. A tight coil squeezed around at your side. Thundering explosions rattled your skull, split your brain down the middle.

“What were you doing falling like that for!” A rough voice boomed over the explosion. Two more sounded off before you were slumped on the ground breathless. When you opened your eyes a masked boy with gigantic grenade-style gauntlets and an orange X across his black tank top blurred across your vision. “Aren’t pros supposed to watch where they’re going?”

“Wow. One interesting way to speak to a person you saved—” you commented, pushing yourself up to stand. The shattered remains of your work-phone scattered across the top of the plateau caught your eye. “And my phone’s broken now too…” you finished, looking onward wistfully. 

“You flung yourself off the tower on purpose,” the trainee asked, irritated and baffled at your vacant diatribe. 

Behind you Eraser rushed toward you, and that girl who was in the air floated down. “What do you think will happen when it’s your turn to take the exam?”

“Hey, are you alright?” The girl asked when she was shot in earshot. She touched her fingertips together in a diamond shape– it must be how she activates her quirk. You raised your gloved hand, the one you put through stone, to show off to her. The material had damage, but it was minimal. Just a few scratches. Eraser was getting closer too, anything you’d say he’d hear. 

“I put my hand through the rock a little hard. Your classmate caught me and he did good. Thank you for—”

“Just GOOD?”

“Bakugo,” Eraser called out, the blond student snapped his head up bearing his teeth like that security guard at the entrance. “That’s not how you speak to guests, or people who are helping you with the exam.”

“You made a choice and you acted fast,” you explained. “Your catch was done well, you didn’t hurt me more. If technique was the only thing judges grade on, you would be great.” The boy muttered before walking off. Eraser’s hand clutched at the binding cloth bunched at his neck. 

You raised yours distracting him from grabbing the kid to tell him to respect his elders, you shook your head at the man. He lowered his hand on his weapon, thankfully. God-forbid makes the kid bow to apologize to you. Walking away you went to inspect the remnants of your phone, so much for calling the medic later. 

 “Well…” Eraser opened disturbing the silence in the hallway. After all the improvised excitement happened you were called in by the PA system to Nezu’s office. You signed some papers, got your badge made, and then he wanted to get your opinions on the students you watched today. Eraser entered the room when the conversation was almost finished. When the meeting with Nezu was over, you decided to excuse yourself for the day. Eraser being the gentleman that he is, offered to show you out the gate. The moment he approached the office doors, you could feel he was worked up by something. “What did you think?” 

 “One day in the country and my phone broke,” Eraser didn’t appreciate the joke though. You didn’t think he’d get worried about your evaluation today. “Don’t stress, your students are fine.” You thought about bringing up how most of them didn’t notice how you walked by them and even had pebbles thrown at them, but you figured you’d save that for another time.

“I’d say they’re better than fine considering one of them caught you… what was that anyway? I can’t see the logic behind you falling on purpose.”

“That one student knew why in seconds— you shouldn’t think too much about what happened.”

“So you grew out of your fear of heights then?”

You thought about a moment from when you were younger. A time where you would complete these types of assignments. You held your head high, confident as a lion in front of your classmates; but when classes were over and it was time to tutor Aizawa on some moves, you’d joke about how freaked you were. At one point, you told Shouta all the times you thought you were going to fall before practicing his takedowns. “We grow up eventually, don’t we? I’m not a child anymore, Eraser.” 

.

.

.

Taglist:

@lonelyghosts-stuff

[wonhosmistress]

Aphrodisia;Prologue

(NSFW)

Word Count: 1,196

Warnings: Slight mention of Kinks, sexual BDSM themes, sex work, and lastly, TW! toxic-ish relationship mentions. Think I missed some? Lmk and send me a dm, I'll update this.

A/N:I have no IDEA how long this took for me finish because I’ve been teasing this series for a couple months with the only two teasers I mentioned of Hyunjin. Seems I have a lot of sub!Hyunjin enthusiasts because same y’all. 😩I promise to finish the Hyunjin before June ends and after that I’ll focus more on other members.

Anyways! This is the prologue enjoy this unfiltered, unedited, there will be hella grammar mistakes and I don’t plan to edit it because it’s too much work and I honestly just want to post ASAP. It’s been far too long since I’ve written and had any sort of inspo to write. Thanks to my dear mutual @nirvanawrites111 she gave me hella inspo with her amazing works!! I’m obsessed with her writing please go do me a favor and read her amazing stories/fics.

Also I tried to add the read more on mobile but I’m a dumbass and idk how to work tumble mobile sometimes lmao. So I apologize for anyone that will see this and doesn’t want to see it.

As a result of unsuccessful relationships and partners being concerned about where she went or what she was doing, she became more secretive about her whereabouts. Even though she wanted to be honest and open with them, she hesitated on many occasions; if she were to be bold and unapologetic they would go insane and ask questions like, "Why did you choose this job out of all the others?", "Are you cheating on me?", etc.

Those tiresome scenarios were one of the reasons she was always the one that broke it off with them, and so she took it upon herself to take a break from her dating life to focus on herself.

She had a job that wasn't just any regular job.

OnlyFans? No

Camgirl? No.

A phone Sex worker? No.

Feet pics? No.

Used panties? No

For her working at night was ideal because her sleeping schedule only allowed her to be a night owl. Even before any partner appeared in her life she was still in the process of discovering a whole new part of herself that she wasn't aware existed, and here she was in a dungeon that she had been hired at over a year ago and was one of the few popular dommes among the clients.

"How are you feeling?", She stood next to the man sitting on the loveseat.

"I'm good, Mistress." He smiled at her.

"Would you like some water?" He nodded in response.

She walked towards the room next door and back to the playroom to hand him the bottle.

She crouched down to his level to face him as well to check in with him, "How are you feeling? Was it too much?", she asked curiously as to how she could improve. What she should've done is saved that question for the head domme but she didn't and took the risk.

"No. Not at all. It was perfect, I enjoyed every second of it."

He faced her smiling at him and held her hand realizing he shouldn't be doing that.

"I'm sorry...may I?" She smiled warmly at him not pulling her hands away from his grasp.

"I just wanted to say thank you."

While she had not broken skin or drawn blood, she still left a few red welts on him. She grabbed the first aid kit in the corner and treated his wounds, trying to be as gentle as possible.

"No need to thank me. You went out of your way to give it a shot when you could've easily backed out and I would've still respected your decision. BDSM isn't everyone's cup of tea and so we've learned to respect everyone's decision."

She applied a first-aid ointment to every single red mark on his back; he hissed at the lightest touch, "I'm sorry, I know it hurts I'm just trying to make sure these heal quickly and nicely."

"I know and I appreciate it."

"Done." She stood up and handed him his T-shirt. "Make sure to take a warm bath or shower after you get home and keep applying ointment on the marks afterward.

He smiled at her making his way toward the exit.

"Will do.",

She smiled at him and nodded, seeing him off.

That was one of the roughest BDSM scenes she had done in a while. She would like to take time to make sure her submissive didn't go into a sub-drop, but sadly she couldn't. If it were her, she would go out of her way to remain with every submissive for a bit longer. However, her boss had to remind her that they only came here for a service nothing more. Because of this, she couldn’t be there for more than ten to fifteen minutes with her clients after their sessions ended.

~~~~~

"See you tomorrow night!" Her boss told her as they both headed in different directions.

She silently walked for the next couple of four blocks by herself and finally got closer to her apartment. She walked up the stairs and opened the door to her place. The second she got in she took off her shoes left them at the entrance and hung her purse on the rack.

Exhausted and couldn't even begin to explain how she felt after handling four subs back to back today. It was not an ideal situation for her couldn't handle more than two subs a day because her anxiety and insecurities kept creeping back up on her.

She meditated, journaled, exercised, and even set days apart for self-care plus, she detoxed from her constant electronic use. She ate healthily and did her best to keep her homey environment clean and organized. However, regardless of what she did something inside her told her she couldn't keep doing this.

She craved something new and stable.

She loved domming but maybe because of all her ex-partner's insecurities of themselves as she hid her true identity was reflecting on herself.

Could it be that deep inside she was ashamed of her job and what she did?

Years ago when she discovered the person she truly was glowed with confidence. How could she even be a dominatrix if she wasn't sure of herself and her current job?

Oh no.

She was experiencing not only her anxieties but also a dom drop.

Telling her boss; she was fine could've been a mistake because she was responsible for taking care of her dommes since half of them didn't have a partner to take care of them.

Fuck.

~~~~~

Two years Later:

Two years and a half of learning Korean were a big help during the entire process of her moving across the world. She wasn't fluent yet but could manage conversations with her neighbors, classmates, and strangers. And so here she was, sitting inside a cafe shop a couple of blocks from the Korean class she had just finished attending.

It seemed like only yesterday, she was experiencing the worst anxiety and burnout from only a year of working as a domme which was odd considering that she had never once felt like that before. But it made sense since she kept getting the gnawing feeling that she shouldn't have gotten into the dominatrix world way too early and so she took it upon herself to resign to take time for herself; and continue her future as domme by researching more information about the career, lifestyle, and possibly a new business.

The grueling work of research, language learning, space vacancy, furniture shop, etc made her take a step back and reconsider if she could do this all by herself. Thankfully, after taking a couple of weeks to continue her research she found herself posting on an exclusive adult site looking for dommes to work with her.

After returning calls and doing interviews she had successfully found four dommes who wanted to continue their careers in the kink community and so never once she thought, that she out of all people would be involved with any of Korea's music industry. Especially the ever so sexually frustrated men of Kpop that had an image and reputation to uphold in the industry, their companies, and not to forget their fans.

[gingerwerk]

tagged by @wouldthatbetheenemy for last line wip game :)

(yes i was tagged like over a week ago but I was busy on vacation and not writing so heres what i wrote the other night at 4am when i should've been sleeping. also yes i am doing Much more than a last line because fuck the rules)

------------------

Instead of speaking, Snafu retrieved his worn wallet from his jeans and from within it he pulled a folded up newspaper clipping. Eugene watched as Snafu silently unfolded the clipping before he passed the piece of newspaper facedown across the table. Raising an eyebrow at the man, Eugene waited until Snafu lit himself a fresh cigarette and seemingly focused on the television set behind Eugene before he retrieved the clipping from the table.

Eugene wasn’t sure what he was expecting but he was surprised to find the clipping dated from last August and covered some of the protests held at the Republican National Convention in Miami. Scanning the article, Eugene’s eyes hovered on the author name- Robert Leckie -and immediately Eugene knew what had caught Snafu’s eye. The same article had found its way into his own mother’s hands soon after it was published and had caused quite the stir in the Sledge household. 

He wasn’t obvious to a quick scan but it wasn’t a terribly long article. All it took was a few minutes focus and there he was, halfway down the second column:

… not only are they the largest contingency here but they are also the most disciplined and the most serious- the war they are against is the one they fought in. These veterans have traveled thousands of miles across the country to ensure that their voices are heard at the Republican National Convention. 

“These pointless deaths need to stop,” said Eugene Sledge, who served as a mortar man with the esteemed 1st Marine Division from May 1967 to June 1968. Sledge, who currently resides in Brooklyn, New York, traveled over 1,300 miles to attend the protest. “If by being here, I can help shorten this war even by a week it’ll be worth the travel.”

Eugene still wasn’t sure how his mother had gotten hold of the article but when she did, Eugene had been on the receiving end of quite the furious phone call. 

“It’s one thing to do and say these things in your own neighborhood but to cross several state lines to protest at the Republican National Convention?!” his mother’s upset voice still played clearly in his ears a year later. “If you get arrested at this type of event you could face serious repercussions! This can go on a permanent record- it could affect job prospects, could consider you a danger to the President of the United States and you could be considered a felon-!”

Eugene conveniently withheld the fact that he had been arrested at the protest but had been released twenty-four hours later with little more than a Billy club to the shoulder and a sore back from spending the night in a holding cell. He didn’t want to send his mother into cardiac arrest and if his dear old acquaintance Leckie didn’t want to also disclose that fact to the world at large, Eugene assumed he could keep it a secret from his family. 

His mother finding the article and her outrage had been at least partially considered after the brief interview occurred. But as he stared at the heavily creased newspaper clipping clutched tightly between his hands, Eugene realized that perhaps he really hadn’t considered all the possible ramifications when he allowed the former war correspondent to quote him.

tagging @ackackh, @judesstfrancis, and literally anyone who sees this and wants an excuse to post some of their wip (tag me if you do!)

[treason-and-plot]

I'm finally caught up! It took a few days of non-stop reading but I had to know what those 3 trainwreck idiots (Anita, Roy, Joël) ended up doing.

Anita and Roy are the biggest self sabotaging idiots I've seen in my life. Anita was an absolute trainwreck. I mean the girl had made all the wrong choices in life, one thing she did right is probably never giving up on her and Joël.

Roy is... he is just as bad at making decisions as Anita but I think their biggest difference is he just doesn't feel guilty or responsible, at all. I think the only time I've seen him actually feel sorry is when that whole pregnancy drug thing had happened.

And Joël, sweet idiot Joël. I don't have words for how stupid this man is. He just let's things happen to him. He let's women in his life manipulate him. I'm not a jealous person but him being such a clueless idiot about his exes' motives, is part of the reason why Anita lost it so many times (his idiocy and Anita's insecurity were bound to breed that problem.)

So far where they are at, I think Roy should've dumped Sonia looooong ago, like at the altar. The man had serious growing up to do before he got married and Sonia definitely wasn't it.

I'm just happy about Anita and Joël. For a while there I was really thinking that they were done but they made it. I'm still worried whenever I see Anita go out drinking because she still haven't fixed any of her problems but being with Joël seemed to have stabilise her. And Joël is in bliss with his daughter and son, even Saffron. I loved how much that little girl was upset when Joël was leaving.

It's a great story and I really advise anyone who had followed you to go back all those posts and read it all. I loved it!

Ps. After reading all of I've come to conclusion that Raj and Mia deserve each other, for sure. xD

I am dying at you christening Anita, Roy and Joël '3 trainwreck idiots!' That's made my year. And the fact that you spent days reading my story non-stop...my gratitude and awe knows no bounds. You are the best.

Poor Anita...dear, sweet, simple Harry was never going to make her happy. And she nearly destroyed her life and Joël's with her insecurities and her self-sabotaging behaviour, that's very true.

I don't think Joël is stupid...although I know many readers will disagree with me! He's a sensitive, intense, moody introvert who loves deeply and passionately and whose heart rules his head, often with disastrous results. But I wouldn't want him to be any other way!

You have hit the nail on the head re Roy...his personal mantra is never apologise, never explain. He never, ever second guesses himself. His sense of self is inviolate. He married Sonia because she presented a fascinating challenge to him and he did love her (and still does!) But yeah, theirs was a marriage destined to fail. I still miss them as a married couple though, as bizarre as that sounds. Their relationship was just so much fun to explore and write about!

One of the high points for me in my story's recent history has been the birth of Joël and Anita's daughter Alice...I still get emotional thinking about it! And thank you for mentioning Saffron's distress when Joël left Anita...that was another part of the story that I felt was particularly poignant for a variety of reasons (not least of which was Anita's selfishness) and has stayed with me for a long time.

As for Mia and Raj...well, we'll just have to wait and see! The two of them intrigue me as much today as they do as when I first started writing about them;)

Thank you again for taking the time to read my story and send me this...it's hard to express just how much it means to me. But one thing's for sure, it's people like you who make this community so wonderful and who make me inspired to keep on writing as long as I possibly can. And for that I will be forever grateful❤️

[foundfamilymafiaboss]

Final(?) Update:

Hey, Everybody. So you've probably noticed my last post was from quite some time ago, And I've been silent since. Well, There's a reason for that. And I wanna finally address this and dust off this blog.

A while ago, I promised a fanfiction that was massive, And was gonna tell the story of the Mafia Boss's revenge after getting a new body from the empress and engineer metro cats. I started writing it, and last year when I went on a vacation, I wrote while I was away. I really wanted it to work because I had the entire plot I've had for a few years about this mech revenge thing, and I was so excited to share it with everyone on this website. I had made a lot of posts about it on an art website I was on before I moved to Tumblr and with the new audience I had and the Fandom being able to see it, It made me even more excited.

But then I didn't touch it. I took what I thought was going to be a short break, but weeks turned to months, Days into nightsbrain rotation, And then an entire year, And it sat in my Google docs, collecting dust. I realized I had hit huge burnout. And then I never recovered. It was a mix of both writers burnout and Fandom burnout. (I love you all!! It's not you I just meant the fandom itself. Not anyone in it.) I still love a hat in time, Don't get me wrong, As it's still one of my main special interests, But around October, A new special interest came to me. I fell head over heels for the game "Poptropica." At first I thought it was just brainrot, But I started making ocs, Stories, And nonstop the characters and lore took up my brainspace. I even started drawing fan art, and it turns out it was a special interest. I joined the fandom shortly after, And it kinda overtook others for a bit. Basically, What I'm trying to say is.. I lost motivation. The project became overwhelming, and I wound up not wanting to work on it. And burnt myself out. It's not that I've stopped liking a hat in time (My main blog theme proves that) but Poptropica is just what's been on the brain. ..That and something else but we'll get to that. Also, I don't think I'll have a blog for it.

I think I'm stepping down from this blog. I'll return to it one day, maybe, But for now it's on permanent hiatus. I don't know when I'll come back, but maybe it'll be with a post summarizing the story I was gonna tell. I love this game but it's just not the main fandom anymore. A Main special interest? Yes! But not the main main one anymore. (Also, life stuff. That was a huge factor for this blogs inactivity.)

I'm sorry to anyone who was excited to see where it went. I'm sorry that I disappointed you and went radiosilent. I'm sorry I didn't fulfill my promise. I should've made this post way earlier, but i didn't.

One day, Who knows when, The Junior Mafia cook and Jar Man Mob Boss will make a return. Maybe not into a large fanfiction that I didn't calculate it's length for and thus led to it's early cancelation, But still a return in some way shape or form. (I also lost the file and all my progress for the cover art.. Haha..)

That being said, I still post about Piper sometimes. Or Ahit as a whole. But just.. Not as often. To those who see this: Thank you for understanding. And for sticking around as long as you did.

This isn't goodbye, This isn't the end, This isn't even the final act. It's just the intermission. It's just the pause. It's just the wait. It's just the rest.

Over time, My focus just shifted. That's all. And it sounds redundant, I know. If you want more activity, Check out my main blog @gengar-pixel-2 . It's where most of my stuff is, including fandom things.

That being said.. Here's what I've been up to:

-Gained two new special interests. It's four now instead of two. These being Poptropica and the Jumanji Franchise. (Minus the reboots.)

-I did start writing a fic.. But this time I prepared myself. It's only gonna be 13 chapters long, And isn't even Canon. It'a a crossover fic. I'm taking my time.

-Made new fandom friends.

-Reunited with old fandom friends.

-Went to Chicago for my birthday.

-Made a bunch of new ocs, Little guys.

-Birthday and Christmas happened I suppose.

-Got onto DND. (Haven't played yet though..)

-Got nominated for fan awards and won fourth place. And more..

..Anyway I'm sorry for this sad sounding ramble post. But I wanted to say...

Thank you. For the support, For sticking around, For listening to the stories I had to tell, All the asks, The fan art, The jokes, All of it. You made my day, and I'm not even joking. You all made it worthwhile. I didn't think anyone would even enjoy a story about one of the fandoms most hated characters. Thank you for showing me otherwise.

Anyway, I hope we meet again, Soon. Only time will tell. ..But for now.

"Keep it up! You are amazing and my best friend!! Remember! When you come to HQ, I'll have a sticker for you! Remember: I'm always gonna be there for you. Even if I'm not there!"

"Goodbye, For now. Come back anytime! It does tend to get boring around here. ..But you better not plant any bombs inside of my headquarters. Maybe I'll have a new body next time."

"..Farewell, I suppose. Perhaps you can stop by my metro sometime? Maybe then we can discuss some business.. There's a place in my metro where you would fit right in. ..So long as you fulfill the end of your bargain, Of course."

"I'll see ya some other time, Sugar cube! And you better be ready because I'll whip up something delicious for the next time you come to the island! Remember, I'm always in the rafters. I'll be there for ya when ya need me."

..And from me, Gengar, I'll see you on the other side. Wherever that may be. -Gengar, Signing out.

[pass1onepr1ncess]

Taking the chance to share a story of mine on this related note. I have pretty much always been incredibly skinny. Underweight, in fact. I was the thinnest kid in my family. I have a very distinct memory of my mother (Who I will be referring to as Melody for the rest of this post bc she doesn't deserve the title of mother to me) talking with my sister about her weight because she was afraid she was too skinny and Melody literally grabbed my sleeve, held up my arm, and said "Now this? This is skinny."

First of all, there is no fucking winning when it comes to other people commenting on your weight. I was made fun of for being skinny and told to eat more despite the fact that I had an even more voracious appetite than ANYONE I knew. I was also praised for being underweight and told that they "wish they had my body." And even though I ate and ate and ate and never seemed full (which should've been a very clear and obvious sign, by the way. At least a tipoff for SOMETHING) I never seemed to gain weight. In fact, I was still actively loosing weight and no one knew why. And despite the MULTIPLE times my doctors told both me and Melody over the years that I was SEVERELY underweight, she never thought just once maybe there was something wrong. I moved out and started to finally do some research and figure out wtf was wrong, and you'll never guess what it was.

I had pinworms. For at LEAST a MINIMUM of 10 whole fucking years, I was infested with pinworms. And you might think "But wouldn't you notice? Especially in the bathroom?" Ah but consider! I had had them for so long and from such a young age that I thought it was normal. Because no one took me to the doctor or stopped to think anything was wrong with me. And because no one taught me otherwise, I thought it was normal.

For 10 whole years (again, at MINIMUM) I had parasites stealing my food and nutrients. And not only did it prevent me from keeping or gaining any healthy weight, but it literally stunted my growth. I've had multiple people tell me that I have the proportions of someone who should be much taller than I am and that they're always shocked at how short I am in person. It's because I literally did not get enough nutrients to grow properly.

But ofc because I was skinny and "attractive" by eurocentric fatphobic beauty standards, no one thought to say "Hey! This actually seems really unhealthy that you're not gaining weight or growing despite how much you eat. Maybe something's wrong."

I don't have them now, of course. I got treated and for literally the first time in my entire life I'm gaining weight and I couldn't be happier!! Not only that but because of the extra weight, I've actually started to grow some features that should've come in a while ago bc apparently the lack of nutrients also paused/delayed my puberty.

I don't mean to get so personal on a blog mainly for silly anime shit and fandom ramblings, but it is ridiculously to me that I was infested with parasites for such a huge chunk of my life (half of it, in fact, at the time I'm writing this) and that no one thought something was wrong because the parasites made me skinny. It was also a product of Melody's various forms of neglect, but everyone else looked at me and just passed it off as a high metabolism despite that I was incredibly underweight, easily fatigued, severely anemic, and never felt full and satiated.

It pisses me off so bad that so many people complimented me for being skinny and underweight even when I told them I didn't like it and that I was trying so hard to gain weight. Or when people told me to eat more when it wasn't my fault. I was eating, it was just being stolen from me. I'm overjoyed that I'm gaining weight now because it means I'm parasite free.

[iridescentblood]

7 Backwoods & a 10pk of Bareskin rubbers

So it's been 4 months has it? Boy what depressing ass posts have been here lately. I came back to write tonight finally for a good reason. Theres glimmers of happiness poking through the storm I've been battling. I almost drowned.. but a hand reached out to me. It was a stranger, though.. and I didn't take it at first. I was so terrified to be left alone at sea once again that I had convinced myself it was easier to keep struggling. But I took the risk. I grabbed his hand, and it was somewhat familiar.. a touch that felt easy.. and right. I could finally breathe- and for the first time in so long I feel fucking alive again. I'm finding pieces of myself that I thought I lost. I'm starting to learn who Ally is again, I'm remembering who I was.. who I am now. You wouldn't even recognize her! She's so confident, killing it at work, living this full life where I actually go out!! Drinking and laughing with new friends in new places, meeting new people, and sharing new experiences. I'm even getting GOOD ass sex at the end of it all. Could you believe it?? I wish I could go back years ago.. and tell crying Ally.. slowly breaking into smaller pieces.. that not being fucking touched by your boyfriend should NEVER have been tolerated. Its not normal to not connect sexually. I NEVER should've sacrificed my powerful feminine energy, my deep desires and fantasies for him. I NEVER deserved to feel that insecure. But guess fucking what? I found a guy that matches my flame. He burns so hot he's reigninting that fire that I buried so fucking deep inside of me to keep my ex from getting burnt. But not him. He wants to burn. He wants it.. Hotter. Fuck. Me. I am happy. Maybe I found the one to finally fuck the depression outta me, I've only been waiting on that one since what... 2016 or some shit? Haha. It's in there real deep but hell I think it really might come loose for him 😈 Truth be told it's not just the sex. I actually like him. That thought is terrifying yet exciting all at the same time. New doors are finally opening and I'm ready to see what's inside. I hope it's more backwoods..

[so-litudinal]

i miss it here, kinda

main two reasons i haven't been around are 1) my phone died a few weeks ago and 2) my only consistant thought these days(?) is that i wanna disappear, as in i don't wanna/can't live, and i feel bad about only posting depressing, suicidal stuff (which is ridiculous, since i created this blog over 10 years ago as an online personal diary — but i guess shame follows me anywhere i go). 

my phone had been messing up for a long while, i know i should've gotten a new one at least a year ago. but it had been holding on (barely) anyway so i kept putting it off, as i do everything you know. but then one night i stupidly dropped it in the stairs. it only fell down a couple of steps and i seemed to be able to turn it back on just fine (albeit slow). but the day after it kept turning off randomly, until i couldn't turn it on anymore at all. anyway. guy at the repair shop couldn't do anything. and since i'm the worst, i hadn't backed up anything. i thought i'd lost everything, but turned out at least pictures and videos were saved to my cloud. still, i lost all my notes + audio recordings. i don't care all that much about the audios except for one i took two years ago of junko purring in my bed a few days before she died [now that i write this…i have a vague feeling i might’ve posted the audio here at the time… but i’m kinda scared to go back and look, only to be let down again]. thought/hoped i'd saved it somewhere on a hard drive with all her pictures but couldn't find it. 

what i'm saddest about is losing my notes. repair shop guy said that if i’m lucky (big lol….) and if my phone was connected to a google account (??? idk, my mom told me cuz of course i didn’t go myself), i might be able to retrieve them once i got a new phone. i’m not sure if that was supposed to be about my notes being saved to a google drive or something, cuz that wasn’t the case anyway. so yeah. years and years of notes. i’m dumb, so dumb that i kinda deserved this happening to me (watch it not be a learning lesson, just like anything else). the notes i really cared about were the fanfiction drafts + artwork ideas. speaking of, sorta crazy that i’m ashamed to talk about writing fanfiction on this blog. i’ve always had this compulsory need to “split” my personality and interests across different online platforms—irl too. don’t really wanna dig into that here and now but yeah, it probably all stems from shame and deeply rooted self-contempt + fear of judgement from others, even though most of my online presence has consisted of my existing in and talking to the void. some of those notes dated all the way back to 2020. there were some that i wrote on my pc but the large majority stayed on my phone for easy access when i got random ideas in the middle of the night or in the shower. i really liked most of what i wrote, even the stuff i didn’t necessarily have the intention of finishing. took about a week to buy another phone but it’s been 2 weeks since that and i still haven’t used it. been using a tablet. i guess i get used to not having a phone cuz with the way i live, like a hermit, i don’t even have much need for a phone’s primary functionalities anyway. i don’t go out at this point and i pretty much never contact anyone anymore. but also, every time i think about those notes i’ve lost, i feel like “what’s the point?” what’s the point of a phone if i’m gonna be so dumb about it. also—and that’s even more pathetic—what’s the point of writing at all. i’ve had ideas and things i’ve wanted to write about in that time but even on the occasion that i do start (on pc), i systematically get to a point where i lose interest, or rather the motivation to continue and finish. i’m aware that this mindset is not only worryingly cynical and pessimistic but also sounds ridiculously dramatic, even to myself. but i think the reason why is because when anything even mildly inconveniencing or upsetting happens, that plays into my depression and lack of purpose/will to live, and vice versa. vicious circle and all that, you know. everything, including the positive actually, ultimately brings me back to the same point, the same conclusion—it’s not worth it, because all of it is wasted on me, whose my life isn’t worth much at all, and all of it goes away or ends up in the same dumpster of despair, nothing will last, whether i stay alive or disappear. not that i necessarily believe this way of thinking is reasonable, or even truthful—more that it doesn’t matter whether i believe in it or not, because it so strongly influences, if not dictates my perception of all things in life. so yeah, all of this over a dead phone and a bunch of lost writings, but also not really. worst thing is i haven’t even had the motivation to kick my butt and at the very least save the images and videos from my cloud onto a hard drive yet. i’m gonna regret this. …i say, as i sit back and once again consciously watch myself doing the thing that will only lead to more regret and self-hatred. heheh. queen of self-sabotage.

speaking of things that i seemingly can’t react to in an appropriate, normal human way… on the 31st of last month, the gacha i game i’ve been playing every day for the past 3.5 years was announced for eos by the end of september. i mean. there’s more than one valid reason to be upset over this, for just about any other fan. and the series it’s based on has been so, so important to me for the past 4 years (see how i intentionally don’t name it like "here is not the place for that”? yeah). but idk. the fact that i was so shell-shocked by the news and once again left with the feeling that nothing is worth getting attached to…. i know this kind of response is disproportionate. pathetic. not healthy. not normal. i’ve gotten a bit more used to the perspective since—at least for now, cuz i can very well envision going back into full woe is me mode as the date of eos gets near.

there are 2 other observations, or whatever i should call them, i can make from this reaction. 1) not being able to access something (probably even more so since it’s a form of escapism) that’s been part of my life, without missing a day since creating the account on december 31st, 2020, makes it glaringly obvious how empty and repetitive my days are and have been for an embarrassing amount of time now—the worst part being that i’ve found some sick, sick sense of comfort in it being and staying so (anything else is….terrifying and something i can’t allow myself to aim for).

2) i’ve had this vague feeling for a while but never really bothered to put it into words until recently but the more my interest about a certain thing grows, the more i’m susceptible to become unsatisfied, not with the thing itself, but with myself and the way i engage with it. very passively—like i effectively let it pass me by like i do anything else in life. i don’t usually want to admit it cuz it’s a bad character trait of mine, but i’ve kind of accepted that i find no real joy in sharing an interest with other people, engaging with them over this thing we presumably have in common. i’m the worst, so ugly for that, because it’s obviously an envy/jealousy thing. but also i tend to wanna cut myself some slack (self-indulgent?) regarding that specific thing cuz i’m pretty sure it also comes from my overall lack of social skills—which, at its root, is not my fault (severe bullying at a young, crucial age + prolonged and repeated child neglect). i know that it has now, in my adult age, become my responsibility to address and grow past those traumas and their consequences, especially assuming i still have hope for a life worth living (not taking the “do i?” factor in consideration here for the sake of this argument). my generation wasn’t exactly born with the internet but we did, at least partially, grow up with it, and it’s now such a(n unnecessarily?) huge part of our daily life, just like younger generations. i mean, talking about generations is probably pointless—what matters is that this was effectively my experience with the internet. so yeah, all that to say that i’ve had an “online presence” (not just as an occasional user of computers/the internet as mere practical, communication, sometimes educational, even more rarely entertainment tools) from my early teens, if not earlier, via blogs and now ancient forms of social media lol (msn, i’ll always have nostalgia for you—but please don’t come back). anyway. my point being… i’ve been using the internet as a hyper-social shared space for a long time, and there’s something that i’ve come to realise has been true, if not from the start, at least more and more over time, and that i’ve had, still have a hard time recognising and accepting: i can’t connect with people online any more than i can in real life. i think i wished myself to be one of those people who, however socially awkward in real life, or even downright social outcasts, managed to find a place online. i never truly could. it’s gotten worse over this past decade (the worst these past 4 to 6 years), as i progressively lost touch with the outside world and became more and more isolated. all these factors, dating long back or recent, are reflected in my ongoing online experience. with social media, “online communities” (niches, fandoms, circles, etc.) as a concept are so prevalent, and it’s hard cuz never in my life have i had the feeling that i could belong to one in real life. i grew to even regard the idea of a community as something i had no desire to partake in (i don’t know if i still feel that way but thinking so is self-preservation). i remember for example, the lgbt community is one i never quite felt i wanted to identify with, beyond my orientation being what it is, even in my adolescence, and sure, that might’ve had something to do with my own internal struggles with my identity, but in a way, it also circled back to my aversion to social groups (which is very much based in trauma and not just me being an introvert). that naturally, and unfortunately, extended into my experience with online communities of all sorts. that being said… i think that as long as i accept this as a fact about myself, even a little, it’s tolerable and not that big of a deal. if it changes over time (that would require my irl circumstances to change first and, well…), fine, i guess. but if it doesn’t… idk. It’s still a bit sad. cuz the internet is a big part of my life, one that supposedly brings me joy in various forms (the most prevalent being escapism—and i refuse to let that go, why would i hurt myself in that way).

all that to say that this gacha game closing is just one of the instances that have brought me to think more about how to engage with the things i like in a more fulfilling manner. since connecting with others is not a viable option at this point (or maybe ever), i think the only way would be to be more proactive. make or acquire something—something of my own—out of those interests. like putting more effort into writing. learning how to draw/make art. become normal and earn money to collect more merch (tie-ins) so i can be physically surrounded by things that make me happy. create the space i could never find outside, inside. i don’t care if it’s not fully enough to make up for everything i feel like i’m missing out on, because it would still be better than the loneliness and bitterness i’ve been stuck with for the longest time.

i don’t really have any definite conclusion i draw from those observations, much less a plan of action, but i just kind of went off and wrote about them anyway, i guess. there’s that.

so yeah… well, you know.

aah it’s gonna be such a chore to read over this before posting…..probably won’t (or else i might just give up on posting entirely)......nevermind, i'm doing it now lol.

rare good news is that paimon seems to be on the tail end of a very long and intense moult. last time it was that bad was when i got her and she immediately underwent the very first moult of her life. at the worst of it, last month, maybe even the month before, she was so down. so quiet and skittish. i never even had an opportunity to touch her. and as always, i was scared it might be something else, like an illness, or even a stressed-induced moult. i’ve been scared that my own irregular, unhealthy lifestyle might start to impact her. i know i don’t deserve her. at the same time, i was hesitant to take her to the vet. she can be a pretty fearful bird to begin with, so i feared that having to go through that kind of stress (the trip itself, being in an unknown place, handled by a stranger) would only make her worse. in the end, the risk of that didn’t seem worth taking cuz there was a good chance the vet would’ve just said that it was indeed just a moult and it would’ve been all that anxiety for nothing. during the time it got really bad and she was completely distant, i started to wonder if this was a glimpse into what it would be like without her here anymore. i’d already been thinking before that i would probably not want to go on after her death and this… well. it feels very real. but she’s better now. i cried when she sat on my shoulder for the first time again, and when we started playing and she tried biting my fingers or my ear. the absolute best was getting to sniff her (there is not one better smell in the world than that of a bird) + petting her until she falls asleep in my hand. I love her very much.

going back to the whole notes and writing thing… i don’t easily let myself admit to positive thoughts and feelings (fear and defeatism, i guess). still, i wanna put out there, somewhere—here being as good a place as any—that i really like writing. it’s fun (especially when it “works” lol). and it’s one of the rare things i genuinely like doing for myself, regardless of the purpose, the quality, the destination. not even talking about what comes afterwards…

it’s one of the “better,” as in tangible, ways to distract myself i can think of (goes back to what i was saying about engaging with interests in a more productive way).

at least when i’m in the middle of writing, i’m having fun.

now that i’ve started, i don’t even wanna finish this right now. i could write more, too. but then it’ll get late and i’ll be frustrated for different reasons. and if i “leave it and come back later”... well, i know there’s a good chance it’ll end up in my drafts never to see the light of day again lol. and i did want to post something on this blog specifically cuz it’s a place dear to me on the internet. 

closing remarks: i’m thankful for cloud servers and birds always.

[x0401x]

The saga continues.

So it's been a year since the anime ended, and a little bit more than that has passed since I got these asks. As you guys know, I always reply to messages, no matter how long it takes. And I really needed time to reply to these. I don't even mean just because I'm living alone in Tokyo and have to juggle grad school, part-time job, my actual job and doing all the housework by myself, plus occasional fun immigrant paperwork things. I mean all of this and the fact that I had to go out and actually do research for a lot of things regarding volume 3, in order to confirm the conclusions I took reading it. I also went to Japanese Twitter to see people's analysis of this volume and of the previous volumes, especially MasaMina, because this book is one of the most complex novels I've ever read. The amount of hidden meaning in EVERYTHING is no fucking joke. And as I wrote, I just kept finding more of it. I remember saying way back when S1 was airing that Tsurune had many, many layers. This volume, however, had infinite layers. Again, no joke.

I feel like what has transpired in this book is what Ayano Kotoko actually wanted to do from the very beginning, but there was no guarantee of whether the series would be successful enough to get a continuation, so she had to hold back at first, and then she dumped into volume 3 all that she hadn't been able to include in volumes 1 and 2. It's honestly no surprise that this one was so convoluted. It made me start to think that series should've been a seinen manga instead. So yeah, there was a lot that I had to check while writing this actual essay. Because yes, that's just how gigantic it turned out to be. 20 pages on Word. Even I was surprised when I finished it. Scratch that, I was terrified.

I have to say that I feel utterly insane for making this post. I know that a lot of you guys are aware of how difficult life has been for me over here, how I haven't been able to stay consistently active online in the past two years. I also know that the fandom is dead as hell right now in the overseas side. I'm sure nobody would've minded if I had never finished writing this thing, but I wanted to. More like I wouldn't be able to rest easy unless I did it. I feel like I needed to have the hidden things, theories and interpretations of what happened in this volume written down all in one place, even if we never get any more volumes. Kind of like a reference book so that people can look back on it whenever they need to remember what is what.

I have noted that most novel readers on both the Japanese and the overseas sides of the fandom have either gravely misunderstood this volume or didn't really get much of it. No surprise here, because, I have said this six years ago and I will say it again: although Tsurune is an amazing novel, it's not well-written. Especially volume 3. So this is an attempt to explain what transpired in it, at least on the MasaMina side of things, which is what you guys have requested. That's about 2/3 of the book anyways, lol.

Warning for insanely long post under the cut.

Before I begin, by all means, guys, share this post with anyone you know who also has questions or things they didn't understand about volume 3. Chances are you will find the explanations for them here. If you don't, then don't hesitate to hit me up, because for now, I'll have more free time to answer asks.

Anyway, here's the much-requested continuation of the Tsurune Bible, one year in the making (which now even has its own tag, just to make things easier for you guys and myself, lmao).

This volume already starts out serving MasaMina from the cover. It’s just so cute that Masaki has been slowly approaching Minato in each cover until they’re finally side by side, lol. Gotta love that Minato’s yugake and underglove look like a hand on top of another in the back cover. Good symbolism, good food.

In this volume, Masaki and Minato’s first interaction is kinda like volume 2, where Masaki amuses himself with shit Minato says. The boys are fucking around with Minato, having told the kouhai that touching his forehead brings luck and proceeding to come up with different versions of the rumor, in all of which some part of Minato’s body brings good fortune. Masaki says it’s actually Minato’s feet that they have to rub, and tells Minato to “get his legs out”. Yes, this is the mandatory old man joke, because Masaki just has to tell at least one in every volume, and it has to involve Minato. Minato asks him to cut it out, saying that he’s neither Pindola nor Billiken, which reminds me of an interaction from volume 1, where Masaki beckons Minato into the dojo like he’s a small animal, prompting Minato to assert that he’s neither a dog nor a cat. Masaki breaks into giggles and contemplates patting Minato’s head like usual, but doesn’t do it. We readers know that this novel always comes full circle later on, and this interaction is no exception.

The initial portrayal of MasaMina in this volume immediately turns angsty despite this wholesome moment, because Minato is actually having a hard time dealing with Masaki avoiding him lately. The yearning and obsession with Masaki’s eyes has reached a new level in this volume, if that was even possible. Masaki has been consciously dodging Minato’s eyes, and this upsets Minato to a point where he starts doing the same to Masaki, because finding Masaki’s gaze only to have it turn away from him is too much for Minato to handle. And unbeknownst to Minato, Masaki doesn’t really want to be doing this, but he has to, and he also feels bad when Minato avoids him.

Following this bullshit is a hint that I’m sure most people missed, and I would’ve missed it too if someone hadn’t pointed it out on Twitter. This novel, as we’re painfully aware, is full of galaxy brain shit, especially when it comes to MasaMina. But this volume goes so fucking overboard. Around page 66, there’s a joke about Seiya mothering Minato, because that’s also mandatory, but the joke isn’t like the previous volumes. “Seiya home security, protecting you 24 hours a day 365 days a year”. 365 days a year, meaning leap years are not included. If the year has 366 days, Seiya won’t be able to protect Minato for one day.

No, the OP wasn’t reading too much into it, I promise. Stick with me here, y'all.

I know that the anime might have confused everyone as to which year Tsurune is supposed to be set in, as the second season implies it's set in 2023. However, the novel begins from the year 2016, its year of publication. That means Minato was born in the year 2000 and that the accident that killed his mother happened in 2012, both of which are leap years. He also had his first proper meeting with Masaki in 2016, yet another leap year. So basically, Minato's most life-changing events happen in leap years.

Apparently, same goes for Masaki. He had to change his name in his last year of high school, and in that same year, he got target panic and his master forsake him. The following year, 2012, was when he received the death certificate of his brother and became estranged from his grandfather. That was on his birthday, so it was summer. The novel doesn’t mention in which season the accident with Minato and his mother happened, but according to the anime, it was in summer. Both events definitely did not happen on the same day, ‘cause if Minato’s mom’s death was on the same day as Masaki’s birthday, this would’ve already been mentioned at some point. But they happened within a short time gap from one another, that’s for sure.

Soulmates just be synchronizing like that. It’s been going on since volume 1, where they’re so obviously mirrors of each other that literally everyone can see it. Not to mention that really bad things and really good things happen to them alternately, in a way that they always come off as even in the end. The scars, losing members of their families to tragedy, target panic, “I now understand where my master was coming from” moments, near-death experiences related to car accidents, sixth sense, a keen connection to gods and the supernatural, get along well with nature and now, as established in this volume, allergy to poison/venom. I say poison because ginkgo fruits and seeds are actually poisonous on main, but most people can handle eating them if it’s in small amounts. Minato can’t, though. As for giant hornet venom, it usually doesn’t go as far as killing people, but Masaki must've nearly died from it, or else he wouldn’t carry an antidote with him. All volumes are adamant about Masaki and Minato being mystic creatures living amongst men, who find comfort in the natural and spiritual worlds, and who are pure not just in mind but also body.

Let’s not forget that just like Minato, Masaki also has someone who acts like a guardian around him. Ren, who wanted to protect Masaki from his issues with his grandfather, but failed at it. Who wished Masaki would quit archery for his own good, only to watch him go back to it because Minato happened. Who watched Masaki almost die saving Minato’s life and God knows if he really meant what he said when assuring Minato that it wasn't his fault. Who messes around with Minato to no end, and maybe he does it partly to take out his frustration with Minato's existence on Minato himself. Who is always the one to reveal the dark parts of Masaki’s past and how Masaki isn't a normal person. Who called Minato a marebito. Seiya probably has a similar sentiment regarding Masaki. “Maybe it would’ve been better for you not to have met him,” is what both he and Ren implied at first. But turns out neither Minato nor Masaki would be where they are without meeting each other, as confirmed way back in the last tournament of volume 1. Bad things have always happened to them, but they can overcome them thanks to their karmic connection to each other, be it direct or indirectly.

Ayano just loves this bound by fate trope and takes it to extremes. No news spotted.

Back to the dog and cat thing, the next MasaMina hint we get is actually in a scene where Masaki doesn’t show up—the one where Minato tells his teammates that he feels like he’s being watched lately. Obviously, Masaki is the one watching him when he's not looking. He just doesn't realize that because he's also incidentally avoiding Masaki.

A little later into that scene, he has The Talk with Nanao about Masaki not looking him in the eye lately. This part is ridiculously funny for so many reasons. Firstly because it bothered Minato so much literally everyone could tell. Because of course it would. Not getting his daily dose of Masaki’s undivided attention is torture for this poor little bastard. Secondly, the suggestive way that Minato talks about anything concerning Masaki is just too much. Ayano doesn’t even try to hide that Minato’s wording gives people the wrong idea—Nanao immediately assumes he's having love troubles, because of course that’s what it sounds like.

When Minato says that’s not really it, Nanao resorts to calling the individual in question “the person Minato is interested in”, which… still makes it sound like it’s love troubles, lmfao. And it's a deliberate word choice, because when Minato denies that it’s love, Nanao prefaces his next sentence with a “hmmm”, as if he doesn’t believe it for a single second. Maybe this doesn’t translate well into languages other than Japanese, but it’s the sound that people make when they don’t really believe what they’re hearing. Kind of a “you sure, buddy?” expression. Then again, Minato isn’t lying. I have said it time and time again, but this isn’t a BL novel, yet the author loves her ships and would totally make them canon if she could. Therefore, her approach is to make it so that the characters’ feelings for each other can be taken as both platonic and romantic, with neither canceling the other.

In Minato’s case, he does love Masaki. The whole series makes it clear enough. However, that love can manifest as anything. As in, it’s a platonic relationship on main, but if there were a window for it to turn into a romantic one, I honestly doubt he’d turn it down. Because there was one later in this volume, and he didn’t. Ultimately, Minato seems to be in love, but as it is posteriorly revealed, he’s happy just being by Masaki’s side. Therefore, he doesn’t see Masaki as a possible target for romance—actually, this volume suggests that he has to make a conscious effort not to see him as such. So when Minato denies to be talking about love, he means it, because he isn’t trying to pursue Masaki. But that, again, is a deliberate word choice from the author. He denies to be talking about love, but he never denies being in love. Nanao’s reaction is also deliberate, and surely he knows exactly who Minato is talking about. Or else, his reaction wouldn’t make sense.

And then comes something that just shook me to the core when reading this scene for the first time. They hear the cry of a varied tit. In Japanese culture, the varied tit is known as a tricky bird, lmao. This, too, is deliberate. Even because it’s not the first time that a bird is used to represent what’s going on in a scene. In volume 1, when Minato is riding his bicycle and ends up at the Yata Shrine, he’s guided there by a grey wagtail. In Japanese, the name of this bird is “kisekirei”, which can be read as “spirit of miracles”. Someone on Japanese Twitter pointed out that the grey wagtail is said to be a herald of love (as in romantic love, exclusively) in Japanese culture. Again, Minato denies to be talking about love, but narrative devices come in to suggest that he is in love, regardless.

Nanao is one of these narrative devices. He’s presented as being in the same situation as Minato in this scene, essentially saying the same things as him. When he says he isn’t too bothered at being dropped as a regular and that all he wants is to be around Kaito, he means it, but that's not entirely true. It’s revealed afterward that he actually was frustrated. He fights hard to be placed as regular again, and Kaito is the one to give him motivation for it. Like Minato, Nanao wasn't lying. It's just that, at this point in the story, he hadn’t yet realized how he truly felt.

And all that shoujo jazz.

Hilariously enough, much like Nanao didn’t seem to believe Minato, Minato also doesn’t seem to believe what Nanao says. He translates Nanao’s thoughts like he’s reading Nanao’s mind (“I want you to be by my side”), because that’s exactly how he feels too, about Masaki. But again, although just being around Kaito is what he wants now, Nanao starts wanting more later. Then what about Minato? Does he start wanting more along the way as well? Ayano flings that information at us and tells us to make of it what we will, but the text throws a big “yes” at our faces later on.

Following this comes the infamous “don’t look at me like that” scene, where Minato is trying to talk to Masaki and Masaki insists on leaving it for after the training camp. The way that Minato just comes at him with a question worded in the most painful manner possible is fucking delightful. Masaki had the whole trauma with being ignored by his master in the past, so when Minato asks if he’s so bad a disciple that it warrants Masaki ignoring him, that’s probably the worst thing he’s heard so far as a coach.

Similarly, when Masaki tells Minato, “I’m really sorry, but please don’t look at me with those eyes”, that’s probably the worst thing he’s heard from him. At least I can’t recall anything else Masaki has said that brought him to the verge of tears like that. But turns out it’s the opposite of what he thinks: Masaki is avoiding him because it’s so obvious that he’s The Favorite TM that everyone else is getting jealous. And then the whole thing just transforms into double-entendre, because it’s also mandatory for these dumbasses to have at least one conversation that makes them sound like a couple in every volume.

“You too, Minato—you wouldn’t react when I waved at you.”

“That’s ‘cause I thought you didn’t want to look me in the eye.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to, but it puts me in a spot sometimes.”

“What do you mean ‘in a spot’? Just spill it out.”

“There are times when I also really wanna stroke that forehead of yours, but I can’t let anyone see us like that now, can I?”

“Wha… Wha… What’s up with that?”

That's fucking clownery, Ayano. Low blow, Ayano.

No, but, seriously. How does this woman come up with such out-of-pocket shit like this? It’s better than any romantic comedy I’ve ever come across in my life. Minato completely misunderstanding and assuming the worst when the truth is that his master is actually looking after him is no news in this series. It has happened in the previous volumes as well and it's one of the staples of their relationship, but it’s also so chick flick-like it drives me nuts. The whole “you were actually being showered with care and kindness in the only way he could give it to you at that moment” thing is delicious. And so is Minato’s realization that Masaki is feeling just as bad as Minato for having to distance himself. That he wants things to be like before but can’t afford it because it would disrupt the harmony of the club. Like, yeah, king! Go get punched in the gut with affection! You (unironically) deserve it!

This follows a pattern that happens in every volume, where Masaki always, at some point, has to do something for Minato’s own sake that ends up upsetting him, which in turn upsets Masaki as well. And when Minato confronts him about it, he finds out that Masaki was actually caring for him all along and gets all flustered. In volume one, this happens when Masaki tells Minato that he should join his friends at the club because he wouldn’t be coming to the Yata-no-Mori kyudojo forever, which means Minato would eventually be drawing his bow alone. This completely screws Minato up internally, because how dare you give me so much and then suddenly announce that you’ll leave me in the near future. But turns out Masaki just thought that this would be the best for Minato, and when Minato finds out the truth, he’s “so embarrassed he could die”. Jump to volume 2, where they fight over Minato’s recklessness in regard to his injury and his bad form, and Masaki finds himself having to forbid Minato from coming to practice. Minato loses it because you’re the one who got me back into archery, yet now you try to take the bow away from me. And then he realizes where Masaki was coming from, and calls him an idiot because he’s frustrated.

Ayano clearly likes to do this kinda shit where Minato gets insecure assuming the worst whenever he’s deprived of anything related to Masaki, only to reveal that it was for his own good, then having them resent the lack of proper communication in-between. All in all, these situations are portrayed in a heartwarming way that showcase Masaki is actually a responsible adult and Minato is, as he says, a very cute disciple. But it also makes it look like married couple bickering, because this woman just loves fucking with us like that.

And also because this follows the same pattern as what archery means to Minato.

In every single volume, something happens that deprives him not only of Masaki, but of archery itself, because to him, those two things are connected. When he feels like Masaki is about to disappear from his sight in volume 1, he begs him to stay. When he’s forbidden from coming to practice, he could’ve just gone to Saionji or practiced at home with the rubber bow if he wanted, but instead, he kept coming to the dojo like the jealous little bitch he is to watch Masaki teaching everyone but him. Minato’s love for archery and his love for Masaki are portrayed in the very same way. He gets burned by them at some point, but he also gets healed upon understanding that the burn was for the sake of growth. Just as it says in the last tournament of volume 3:

“Goodbye” is a spell. Something devised from the very beginning.

The sound of a knock on the door. Ringing through.

Yearning, chasing, wishing.

Crouching down, struggling, being doubted and scorned.

Raging, despairing, cursing.

Repenting, lamenting, accepting death.

And when one gives up…

They bow down their heads, love, forgive. Thus the door finally opens.

“Welcome,” it greets.

To love means to forgive yourself and others.

Just like with archery, Minato yearns and chases and wishes for Masaki, but he hits walls along the way. It breaks him and he literally goes through the five stages of grief when it happens, but then he decides to accept it and face Masaki about it. And in doing so, he finds out the truth, and with the truth comes the catharsys. He finds himself even more in love with archery, so I'm willing to bet that his love for Masaki also deepens whenever these misunderstandings are solved. The reason why he gets so disproportionally flustered in the aftermath is because, on the inside, Minato is like, “So you were thinking of me all this time??? You weren’t trying to abandon me???? I love you so much????? Fuck you?????”

And maybe he also gets flustered at how Masaki words his arguments? I mean. “I can’t let anyone see us like that” undebatably refers to not letting other people see them being intimate with each other. It’s not the first time that Masaki talks like this. In volume 2, for example, there was that one scene where Masaki told Minato to not “take on anyone’s style” but his. Minato was also extremely flustered back then, thinking that Masaki didn’t have to word it that way. This is one more thing that only works in Japanese, because the expression he used was “don’t dye yourself in anyone’s color other than mine”. “Dyeing oneself in another’s colors” means taking on someone’s way of doing things, and it’s an expression most often used to describe the role of a wife in marriage, where she’s expected to “dye herself in her husband’s colors” (as in, to follow his way of thinking and do what he says). This is a double-entendre that can be read as “don’t you cheat on me”, and we’re completely free to interpret Minato’s reaction as “you didn’t have to make it sound suggestive, what am I supposed to do with that thought now”.

In that same fashion, when Masaki says they can’t afford to let other people see them being so close or else it’ll give them the wrong idea (which is actually the right idea, because Minato is indeed his favorite disciple), it gives Minato, for a split second, a free sample of what it would be like if they were in a relationship. Because if Minato were in love with Masaki, as the birds imply, then this way of interpreting Masaki’s words is 100% something that would go through his head in that moment. Actually, even if he weren’t in love with Masaki, the wording is inexcusably implicative. There’s a million other ways he could have put it. But if we take it from a “Minato is in love” perspective, it’s easy to understand why Masaki’s word choice only adds up to his frustration, and his reaction makes even more sense. Again, the text gives us leeway to read it like that, and it’s intentional. It wasn’t written in this way by coincidence, nor is it a coincidence that we get this kinda shit at least once per volume.

I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot in this analysis, but much like everything else in Tsurune, their relationship is cyclical. This shit is going to happen all the time with these two, as if it’s a rule between them. Masaki does the best for Minato and ends up hurting him in the process without meaning to, which means he’s also hurting. And when everything is solved, Minato doesn’t know what the fuck to do with himself, because that’s how much he loves Masaki. It’s almost like Masaki himself is an embodiment of archery for Minato at this point.

The whole process of shooting in Japanese archery, as stated in volume 2, is about severing your life and being reborn. Minato’s journey with archery has also been one of having his love for it be tested, and when it seemed he was about to lose it, the fire is set alight again by Masaki. His affection for Masaki goes through the same path, and just when he thinks Masaki is about to turn his back to him, he gets this kind of dopamine dump and is able to reaffirm that their bond would never break so easily. In fact, any little bit of logic would be enough for him to realize that, but although Minato is a pragmatic person in general, logic just doesn’t apply when it comes to Masaki. This is entirely mutual, because the same things happen to Masaki as well. He can’t look at Minato in the eye because it obviously makes him feel guilty, and when Minato dodges him, he gets a taste of what he himself is doing to Minato. It's all about retribution, which is a concept present in Shinto, Buddhism and Japanese archery.

The realization that Masaki was avoiding him for his own sake makes Minato lose it. He probably would’ve reverted to calling Masaki an idiot or a pervert and lashed out at him like usual if his grandparents hadn’t arrived to the scene. And then what happens next felt like a fucking fever dream. I still remember the first time I read it so damn vividly. The way the elderly couple just stormed in and presumed that Minato was crying for entirely different reasons. Minato trying to undo the misunderstanding. The car accident suddenly being brought up. The iroha poem that Minato’s mom used to sing being mentioned out of fucking nowhere. Masaki being Masaki and interpreting it for Minato and, again for whatever reason, has to put a hand on Minato's back while doing it. It’s all just so fast and ridiculously shippy. The stupid couple vibes, the way that Minato’s grandmother seems to approve of Masaki and bless the relationship by asking Masaki to “take care of Minato forever”. Seiya and Kaito watching over them from a distance and worrying whether everything was gonna go well or not. It’s all like a reverse parallel to when Ren asked Minato to take care of Masaki, except unfortunately very rushed. Just MasaMina being shoved down our throats as per usual, except lightning style.

On the topic of shoving down throats, the following scene with Masaki spitting his coffee when Minato’s apron fell down has puzzled people for the longest time now. To this day, I can’t really explain what happened here. I’ve seen people speculating that it was “lucky lechery”, and ugh. Ew. Gross. But though I can’t really imagine it, it’s true that he didn’t spit the coffee due to the sight being funny. He wasn’t laughing. And he was the only one who was so weirdly surprised. I have a lot of qualms about thinking of it that way, but Masaki has always been portrayed as having the dirty mind of an old man. Honestly, it’s disturbing to imagine it, but an intrusive thought isn’t... too far-fetched. What makes me feel not so bad about this is the fact that, looking back on the talk between Minato and Nanao, it’s easy to figure not only that Minato is “interested” in Masaki, but also that, whatever the way he looks at Masaki is, Masaki doesn’t correspond. With that in mind, I'd rather interpret this apron scene as Masaki being caught off-guard.

As Minato says, he’s looking at Masaki, but Masaki has his eyes on the Gods. Of course, Masaki was properly looking at Minato, as we know, just in a different way from how Minato looks at him. Masaki was being a responsible master and watching over his disciple in spite of everything. So by all accounts, Minato’s feelings are not reciprocated, which again pushes the idea that Minato is in love. If his distress was just from him being concerned with his master as a disciple and nothing else, this would fall into their master-disciple dynamics and therefore would automatically be reciprocated. There’s no other way around it. Masaki is looking at him as a disciple and Minato is… doing something else entirely. Again, whatever that something else is has been left to our imagination, but the birds are just fucking unexplainable from any perspective that isn’t romantic. They didn’t even have to be there. Hell, the café scene was also completely unnecessary.

Amazing how this book still has the power to make me lose my fucking mind.

First hint of the “imina” is dropped as Masaki tells the boys about it, and Minato concludes that it is “the name of a life”. In Japanese, this is written as 命の御名, and there are two ways to read 御名. One of them is “gyomei” and the other is “mina”. “Gyomei” is used when referring to the name of the emperor, while “mina” is used when referring to a name that is sacred, such as the name of a god. The one that Ayano chooses as the furigana here is “mina”. Of course, this also is a reference to Minato’s name, as well as foreshadowing to the whole thing with Masaki’s birth name.

More foreshadowing ensues as Minato is shown giving instructions and teaching the kouhai in the next scene. I didn’t catch it at first, but it was really just him doing that amongst the upperclassmen, so yeah, future coach!Minato putting his skills on display once again. I say once again because it’s not the first time he gives advice to people regarding archery. He’s been doing it since volume 1, with Manji. Many mistook him for being savage back then, but he was giving candid advice when he warned Manji about target panic. Not to mention that he has the ability of setting people’s souls ablaze and making them want to draw the bow. He’s got talent for it.

This goes on right before Hikaru watches him talk to Masaki like they’re a married couple. Just obvious as fuck. Hikaru is shipping this shit. I’m only half-joking when I say this, because he quite literally considers himself “lucky to be around them”. He’s canonically enjoying this domestic load of bull. Now, I don’t know how many people noticed, but the way Hikaru thinks of them is pretty damn unnatural. Maybe it’s just me, but this struck me as intentional. I feel like he was being used as a reminder for how the readers should view these two. Unfortunately, thanks to the anime, many people got the wrong impression about Masaki and his relationship with Minato, which is most definitely not how Ayano wants people to see them. I mean, let’s be honest, fellow readers. We know that Masaki is her favorite character and this is her favorite relationship. I honestly believe she wants us all to see them in the way Hikaru does: a master and his disciple being cute with each other.

The dialogue is also gold. The way that Minato is able to deduct that Masaki’s offer to come to his place and look for the book he wants inevitably means having to clean up in the process. The way that Masaki can tell that Minato knows what’s coming just from him saying that it’d be a pain in the ass. Him responding with, “Don’t think you can get fish without doing some work” and Minato retorting that he’s more into red meat than fish. This was the author’s way of showing that these idiots are in the same wavelength. The good humor and wholesomeness is palpable in how sassy and comfortable they are with one another. There’s mad levels of intimacy here, which is, again, completely unnecessary plot-wise. It’s there because Ayano wants it to be there. Not to mention that there’s double-entendre again.

I’m talking about the “vegetarian” and “carnivore” part of the conversation here. In Japanese, “vegetarian” and “herbivore” are the same word. Y’all know the terms that Japanese people use to define who’s passive and who’s dominant in a relationship? Yep, that’s right, it’s “herbivore” and “carnivore”. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but with the amount of hidden meaning, suggestiveness and word play that this volume has, I don’t even doubt anything anymore. And we gotta be real here: as far as all 3 volumes go, Minato is ridiculously physical when it comes to Masaki. Not only is Masaki the person he has more physical contact with, he’s the only character whose touch and presence Minato actually craves. He’s always reaching out to grab Masaki, and just the prospect of not getting his fix of head pats is literally enough to make him tear up. And Minato isn’t even the kind of person who likes physical contact. More often than not, he’s annoyed by it, if it’s coming from anyone else. That aside, he’s also weirdly physical when he’s thinking about Masaki. I’ve said this time and time again, but Minato often describes Masaki in his head in ways that sound very much like he’s physically attracted to Masaki. So far, the descriptions of Masaki that we’ve gotten from Minato’s point of view are:

He’s got basically every Japanese ideal trait of conventional attractiveness

Has “adult charm but still retains some childishness in him”

Warm hands, slender fingers, bewitching eyes

A smile like the New Moon

And as most recently defined by this volume, smells really fucking good (at least to Minato)

All of these are physical things. And we always get this from Minato’s perspective only. Meanwhile, Minato obviously has nothing that Masaki would be physically attracted to, of course. But even while putting Minato aside as an option (because he’s not at all an option), Masaki is a priest. Yes, Shinto priests can get married, and they don’t even have to be married to have sex, so there are no inhibitions imposed on him in that regard. But even then, due to their lifestyle, Shinto priests tend to be abstinent. This is something I read on an interview with an actual Shinto priest, and Masaki seems to fit into the stereotype, given that he doesn’t seem to be remotely interested in romantic relationships or being sexually involved with anybody. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, isn’t anyone’s “friend with benefits”, and doesn’t appear to give a shit. This isn’t because he’s too busy or doesn’t have social life. As established in volume 2, he has always had many friends, and he himself says it in volume 3 that he thinks all women are beautiful. However, “the only ones he considers to be cute are his disciples”. What I’m trying to say is: regardless of Masaki’s dirty jokes and old man attitude, he might actually be the more pure-hearted one between him and Minato in that regard. He definitely doesn’t have any idea that Minato thinks those things about him, and if he knew, he’d be taken aback for sure.

By the way, quick translator's note here, but when Masaki says that “the only ones he considers to be cute are his disciples”, the word “disciple” is actually not in plural form. Basically, we're free to interpret that as either him talking about all his disciples... or just one. And the second option is the most likely to be what he means, because the club is full of female members now. It wouldn't make much sense for him to draw a line between "women" and "disciples" when half of said disciples are girls.

Just take that piece of trivia and run with it.

Another implication that Masaki doesn’t get the effect he has on Minato is the scene where everyone goes out to play in the dog and cat park. Seiya had clearly planned for Masaki to go with the first-years instead of with them. When I first read this volume, I was weirded out by how Seiya suddenly turned into a prick to Masaki and began to resemble his anime counterpart. But then, in-between, he would be acting like his usual self, teaming up with Masaki to debate with Kaito and Keima, unintentionally laughing at Masaki’s old man joke, lending the marker to Masaki so that he can scribble on Takumi’s face, etc. Minato and Kaito’s passiveness also struck me as kind of weird, because if Seiya were being outright hostile on purpose, they wouldn’t stand for it. This led me to believe he wasn’t just being a little bitch, and at some point, Seiya in this volume started reminding me a lot of how Kaito acted with Minato when they had just met. And then I realized that this is probably what Ayano was going for here.

Back when Minato was still trying to avoid being part of the archery club despite Seiya’s attempts to get him into it, Kaito was criticizing him for not making it clear enough that he was never going to join. Minato obviously gave off the vibes of someone who still loved archery and wanted to do it, so in spite whatever he said, Kaito was basically arguing, “Well, it ain’t working. Try harder”. Seiya is taking this same approach with Masaki, except without saying anything directly to him. Other than that, he also seems to be doing kind of the same as Ren does with Minato.

Seiya was the one who did the poll with the club members, so he was the first person to find out that they thought Masaki favored the second-years, especially Minato. And the problem here is: the first-years aren’t wrong. Masaki really does lean towards the second-years, not exactly because he likes them more, but because he’s closer to them, having already been with them for a whole year. As for Minato, the second-years know how deep his bond with Masaki goes, but the first-years don’t, so there’s no convincing them that this is fair. What does Seiya do? He pushes Masaki away from them—away from Minato, in particular—and onto the first-years. And in this process, he’s probably aware that he’s hurting his best friend, which definitely leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, so he takes it out on Masaki. It’s killing two birds with one stone. He gets to throw shade at Masaki for making him do this while also being like, “Who said we’re close to this guy? Nuh-uh, not me” in front of the first-years.

Speaking of shade, the comments Seiya makes on Masaki in this volume are pretty damn interesting. They all have something in common. Can y’all guess what it is?

“Amazing, Masa-san. So you’re a mix of monk, priest and old man.”

“Now, Masa-san, please go tag along with the first-years. You’re the one responsible for looking after us, right? Your club president will be watching over the second-years, so rest easy.”

“He’ll be just fine; he’s an adult.”

“If you know it, Masa-san, that means you’re also someone from ancient times.”

Yep. All of them contain reminders that Masaki is a grown-up, specifically. It’s like Seiya is saying, “You’re a grown man; get your act together”, just like Kaito was saying to Minato, “You’re an archer; get your act together”. It’s funny as hell that Minato is always present during these moments, so it might as well also be a reminder to Minato that Masaki is an adult and he isn’t, lmao. Other than that, this attitude of Seiya’s also feels like one more dig on the anime and how it portrayed him and Masaki. How it looks on the surface like Seiya is being gratuitously offensive when, in reality, he’s siding with Masaki.

It’s almost like the author is doing her own little rebellion and I’m here for this shit.

On the topic of making digs on the anime, I have to be honest about one thing that I felt throughout this whole volume. We know that the tendency is for it to get gayer the further the story progresses, but even so, we gotta admit that Ayano tripled down on the gay this time around. It was a lot, to the point that I saw people from the Japanese side of the fandom calling Tsurune a BL novel, both ironically and not, and saying that this volume had “too much gay”. This isn’t normal, guys. But although it makes me feel bad for the author seeing reviews like these, I must say I kinda get where they’re coming from. I was highkey shocked every time the characters had a “moment” with each other—not just Minato and Masaki but also Seiya and Kaito, and although they barely showed up in this volume, Eisuke and Koushirou too. Because, my God, it was all so visceral and heavy. Some parts gave me diabetes while others basically ripped my heart off my chest.

Am I complaining, though? Absolutely not. I’ll take a whole ton more of that. Still, there’s something about it that I can’t shake off my head even now. Very often did these passages feel like covert criticism toward the anime, as well as Ayano’s compromise with what she wanted her story to be. Like, “Oh, so the anime is portraying Masaki as an asshole using his students to seek revenge on his dead grandfather? Here’s him and Minato being domestic as fuck.” Or, “Oh, so the anime ignores Seiya and Kaito’s relationship? Here’s Seiya being sweet to Kaito and acting like his girlfriend.”

And don’t get me wrong, I do think she’s eternally grateful to KyoAni for picking up her work and not only publishing but also animating it, but that doesn’t mean she has to agree with what has been done with her story and characters. I mean, it’s so far removed from what she’s doing. I also see people in the Japanese side of the fandom commenting about how different the anime is from the original, and that it’s best to view both as separate stories. This isn’t normal either, although I saw it happen to Violet Evergarden as well. Add that to the fact that Ayano never gave any interviews, or even wrote a creator’s comment outside of the novel afterwords. I reiterate that do think she is thankful to KyoAni, but yeah, I also believe she resents the anime to an extent, and it shows in this volume.

Now back to the analysis.

One of the gayest things ever presented in the entire franchise is the reference to “Greensleeves”. Nothing could’ve prepared me for that shit. I have answered an ask about this scene where I break down and analyze the KaiSei side of it, which can be found here. This is one of the many instances where KaiSei is a direct parallel to MasaMina. Kaito talks about how the dog that Seiya is petting is “so clingy”. Minato has to deal with sharing Masaki with more club members this year, many of whom are openly crushing on him, so he’s jealous all over again. Kaito wonders if it’s okay for him to try to catch up to Seiya, who is full of secrets. Minato often tells Masaki not to treat him like a child and it’s always through him that we are shown Masaki and Ren keep a lot of secrets. Kaito wants to know what burdens Seiya and hopes that Seiya would share the load with him, rely on him. Meanwhile, Minato doesn’t mind Masaki not wanting to tell him about his circumstances, because an adult shouldn’t try to rely on a child to share his problems. However, Minato makes it very clear that he will stop Masaki if Masaki ever attempts doing something dangerous. Which means Masaki doesn’t even have a choice here—he will have Minato pull him out of the Crimson Lotus Hell whether he wants it or not. But I’m now getting a little ahead of myself. Let’s go back to “Greensleeves”.

English: Alas, my love, you do me wrong Greensleeves was all my joy Greensleeves was my delight

Japanese: Aah, my love, you're such a cruel one Greensleeves, you were my joy Greensleeves, such merry days I was happy just being by your side

The author’s choice of song and verses are… interesting, to say the least. The translation that comes with it is very interesting too, because it’s how she interprets the lyrics. The fact that “alas, my love” is a phrase we can canonically associate with KaiSei and MasaMina still sucks away all of my sanity, especially when thinking about how the lyrics fit into their interactions.

“You do me wrong”, “you’re such a cruel one”: Seiya was a dick to Kaito when they first met, until they had that big fight and later made up. Whenever Seiya was a dick, Kaito would answer at length and they would clash, so this was technically a mutual thing. As discussed above, Masaki sometimes has to do things that hurt Minato for his own good, which is also mutual, as Minato’s response hurts Masaki as well.

“You were my joy, such merry days”: Minato is happiest when Masaki is there. That much has already been stated since volume 1. Before Masaki joins the club, Minato is happy to be back to archery, but also feels sad that he’s no longer able to draw the bow with Masaki, until we get the most “surprise, bitch” scene of the series. Nothing of the sort had ever been implied for Kaito before, but this volume raises the question of whether or not Kaito is okay with Seiya going somewhere far away. Unsurprisingly, he never says he’s okay with it, because no one in this novel says things they don’t mean. What he does say is that it’s Seiya’s own decision. Regardless, everyone can tell how much it affects him. Now maybe that’s a big claim to make when it comes to Masaki and Seiya, but Masaki literally went to Kazemai because he wanted to keep teaching Minato and Seiya has gone to individual competitions because of Kaito.

“I was happy just being by your side”: Again, it has already been stated, quite literally, that Minato just wants Masaki to be by his side. Same for Kaito with Seiya. He wants Seiya to rely on him, but regardless of whether Seiya does it or not, just being by Seiya’s side is enough for him. This is actually an authentically Zen-like way of thinking and highlights how pure of heart Minato and Kaito are. It also affirms that they have a lot of feelings piled up, but they’re keeping it to themselves. Again, this is mutual. Suppose Masaki couldn’t teach at Kazemai anymore, he’d still be happy so long as Minato kept coming to Yata Shrine to learn from him. As for Seiya, he knows his time with Kaito is limited if he’s going to choose the path of medicine, so he’s enjoying what he can get for now.

The way Kaito’s red shoes chase after Seiya’s blue ones also feels a lot like the way that Minato is always chasing Masaki, both in the literal sense and not. And the way that Kaito and Seiya eventually end up walking together might very well apply to Minato and Masaki too. Masaki is a figure of authority in the dojo, but essentially, he and Minato are equals. From the get-go, Masaki allows Minato to speak with him informally and use a nickname to refer to him. Minato makes fun of Masaki, scolds him, yells at him, calls him an idiot, a pervert, a shitty old man, etc… because he can. Not because he doesn’t respect Masaki (“respect” is literally the word that defines their relationship in the official character chart), but because they’re on equal grounds with each other. Masaki knows better than to follow the stupid “I’m superior to you because I happened to be born first” unsaid social rule of Japanese society. He isn’t worthier just for being older and Minato isn’t lesser for being younger. He’s always poking fun at Minato for being a “little kid”, but that’s because he thinks Minato is cute when he acts childish. He’s not actually belittling Minato for being a child.

Aside from that, the things Seiya said about Bernese dogs also feel like a MasaMina hint. He talks about how they have a short lifespan even amongst other dog breeds and that any amount of years they live past the average is a “gift from God”. This is a reference to Minato. In every volume there’s at least one scene where Minato nearly dies. The car accident, the truck accident, the boar incident and Takumi’s little “prank”. Not to mention stuff from the boys’ childhood that is mentioned in-text, like falling from a tree along with their tree house, getting lost in a forest and accidentally eating a ginkgo fruit. Masaki even comments in volume 1 on how Minato gets injured often, and sure enough, he also gets wounded or sick in every volume. He injuries his hand when he and Masaki first meet, then hurts his neck after his fight with Seiya, then the ganglion happens, the fever, the allergy. In these cases, he always gets saved by sheer coincidence. Most of the time, the coincidence is the fact that Masaki is there for him. On volume 1, coincidences and encounters are described as “gifts”. Masaki is Minato’s “gift from God”, who keeps him alive despite his lifespan being at constant risk of running out.

Skip to the tournament and more foreshadowing of future coach!Minato comes up as he gets Hikaru to cast away his insecurities and shoot. I have discussed this before in previous analysis but Minato does it in an essentially Zen way, where he never outright tells Hikaru to “just do it”. He motivates Hikaru by telling him about bullet train names, which seems like a completely unrelated topic, but then he connects it to tsurune and makes Hikaru want to shoot. He’s being exceptionally sensible here, communicating with Hikaru in a way that sounds abstract, but which Minato knows will get through to him. That’s exactly how Masaki gets him to do things and it’s how masters usually do it. Zen is really just like that—you have to get people to find their own answers. This is the author telling us that Minato is in the right track to following Masaki’s steps.

After that, “Greensleeves” comes up again. Kaito’s interpretation of the lyrics is superb. Especially the ending, which he translates as, “This is goodbye, but please come here one more time and give me love”. That’s Minato whenever he thinks his relationship with Masaki is going sour. And although the verses are the same in English in this scene, the Japanese translation has additional verses for some reason.

Aah, I feel my chest about to burst You, who bestow me with love, what a cruel one you are You let me bask in your affection, only to say that you will abandon me Is this a test from the Lord?

Bro, that’s. That’s fucking Minato there. It's especially literal when applying it to volume 1, when Minato thought Masaki was getting tired of him after humoring him for a while with overcoming target panic. Where he was basically a parallel to Fuu, who returned to the forest after Masaki healed its injury. Except Fuu eventually came back, and so did Minato. What I get from this is that the gods are always testing how much he loves Masaki, and so far, he has given them the right answer every time. Minato also always almost leaves, but in his case it’s literal—he always almost dies. These near-death experiences always seem to kind of come outta nowhere, but they do have a proper reason to be other than ship tease. It’s the heavens above announcing that Minato’s time is up, except Masaki is there to intervene.

Masaki interprets “Greensleeves” as “an arm that is green”, with “green” being not exactly the color but rather a way to describe something miraculous. Touch it and you will be graced with a miracle. Meanwhile, Seiya says that the lyrics feel like someone’s words to God—a song of lament and resignation, with a hint of criticism in it. Sound familiar? Yeah. “Yearning, chasing, wishing. Crouching down, struggling, being doubted and scorned. Raging, despairing, casting curses. Repenting, lamenting, accepting death.” Saying “goodbye” (“this is goodbye”), and when one is about to give up, the door opens, and in comes forgiveness (“but please come here one more time and give me love”). “Greensleeves” is presented here as an equivalent to what the universal experience of doing Japanese archery feels like. Ayano Kotoko interprets it as the definition of “one shot and expire”. And by no coincidence, it’s also a description of the roller coaster that is Minato and Masaki’s relationship.

The origins and meaning of “Greensleeves” are unknown, so Ayano is taking the liberty to offer her own view of it. The way she conceptualizes it, it’s an analogy to coming of age. How is that related to Japanese archery? Through the process of honing oneself by way of practicing a Zen art, people grow—they “come of age”. Or, as the novel puts it, they become “adults (saints)”. Masaki has pointed out in the first volume that he’s like a baby to people who are older than him—age doesn’t really define how mature someone is. Reaching enlightenment equals reaching spiritual adulthood. True adulthood.

And how does that apply to Masaki? I don’t know if anyone’s been keeping track of it, but Minato and his feelings for him have come a long way since volume 1. He’s less reckless, less impatient and less greedy. He no longer freaks out or gets sad when Ren tells him shit, he shares Masaki with even more people at the club now and doesn’t pry on Masaki’s business. Slowly, through repeating this process of one shot and expire, of nearly giving up and then seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in their relationship, Minato and his feelings have slowly evolved and ripened.

So again, Minato’s love for archery and his love for Masaki are portrayed as following the same pattern.

Minato interprets “Greensleeves” as being a “naru poem”, a song that celebrates coming of age, as described by his mother. Later, in the last tournament, Ayano reiterates that affirmation in the text. And since the characters discussed about not just the song but also the individual referred to as Greensleeves in it, then there ought to be an equivalent to that as well—a character who is considered “a miraculous hand” by another character. Someone who gave them a gift, a miracle, once they made contact with them. In other words, “Greensleeves” as a song is the definition of how Japanese archery feels to everyone, but each character has a Greensleeves of their own in their lives.

To Kaito, it’s Seiya. To Ryouhei, it’s his sister. To Seiya, it’s Kaito. To Nanao, it’s also Kaito. To Shuu, it’s Minato. To Masaki, it’s his little brother. More on these later, because for now, the focus is on Minato.

Masaki suggests that Greensleeves is someone who cannot be touched even if one gives up everything for it. Minato opposes to this so vehemently it feels unnatural. He’s too outraged, but it’s because this hits a sore spot for him, without him even knowing it. He absolutely doesn’t want that to be the case, because it would mean that Masaki is out of his reach. Masaki all too often seems to slip from his grasp, off to somewhere far away (or as the novel puts it, to the “Other Side”, the “Farthest North”, the “Crimson Lotus Hell”, etc). And every time this happens, he grabs Masaki’s arms and begs him not to leave (again, one shot and expire). When he thought Masaki was a ghost and was about to pass on in volume 1, he grabbed both of his arms. When they’re in Masaki’s car in volume 2 and Masaki is lamenting how useless a teacher he is, Minato has to hold himself back not to grab Masaki’s arm before affirming that Masaki will be his master forever and always. The last scene of that volume is Minato falling asleep on Masaki while holding onto his arm.

Who else could be Minato’s Greensleeves, I fucking wonder.

Next scene is about future plans for the boys’ careers. Just a KaiSei galore. Fast forward to Seiya and Minato walking Kuma. And then it happens. The biggest middle finger that Ayano flips on the anime.

“The moon’s beautiful, huh?”

“Yeah, it is, very much. Minato, do you know about Natsume Souseki’s anecdote?”

“That he had the habit of plucking out nose hairs whenever he had writer’s block and would line them up onto the manuscripts?”

“That’s the one you went for? I meant the anecdote that Japanese people use other kinds of expressions when professing their love instead of saying ‘I love you’.”

“Sorry, I don’t know that one.”

“Minato, you and Kaito just don’t get fazed, do you?”

I’m sorry but this was fucking brutal.

So the author here takes a very common trope in literature, manga and anime. A classic that everyone loves to use for their ships. And then she completely destroys it.

Minato not knowing something that all Japanese people know is 10000% a stretch. Doesn’t matter that he’s a teenager—everybody and their mother knows this anecdote over here. And yeah, that wasn’t him being funny or embarrassed, because Seiya would’ve noticed it. This is meant to show that the gag was on purpose. That a romantic trope is the last thing Ayano would use for SeiMina. Instead, Minato is thinking about Masaki in this scene, as he asks Seiya if he wants to see some dormice. That’s a confirmed volume 1 reference, because Minato had brought the dormouse mascot that Masaki gave him to Seiya’s house. And Seiya is thinking of Kaito, because why would he bring up Kaito’s name out of nowhere? Did he ask Kaito the same question? In what fucking context? What the fuck did Kaito say back? I need answers, Ayano.

Fast forward further to Minato talking about his plans for the future for the first time. He’s at a loss, but he’s interested in what the job of a Shinto priest is like. In any case, it seems he’s going to find an occupation that is related to it, just not necessarily as a priest.

Fast forward even further to the Meigen Ceremony. In this ritual, Shuu is Kyoka Suigetsu, the “moon over the water surface”. Meaning he’s someone that can’t be reached, no matter how much one tries, because the moon’s reflection is but an illusion over the water, and the real moon is somewhere completely out of grasp. That’s basically what Shuu is to Minato. Minato envies Shuu just as much as he admires him. He strives to be a great archer like Shuu, but in the end, Minato can never be exactly like him—he can only be like himself. That’s just how archery works. This is, needless to say, 100% mutual.

Meanwhile, Masaki is Katsura Otoko. That’s the name of a youkai who lives on the moon. He’s said to be so beautiful that once one looks up at him, they become enthralled to the point they can never take their eyes off his figure. I’m sure we’ve read enough of Minato’s monologues about Masaki to understand that this is exactly what Masaki is to him. It checks all the boxes.

Ayano said “motherfucker is thirsty”.

Later on, Minato’s “sixth sense for Masa-related matters only” starts tingling as he feels chills at Masaki asking Nanao for that one picture. Minato can’t exactly tell, but he can feel that Masaki is up to something. More sixth sense bullshit ensues after Masaki’s traditional court music performance along with his mother and Ren. Minato asks Masaki about the Heart Sutra, which he remembered Saionji telling him to study in the past. They debate about it until Ren interrupts and, as Masaki takes his leave, the mandatory exposition of Masaki and Minato’s karmic connection comes to punch us directly in the face. We already knew that both of them have scars because they “belong to the gods”. We already knew that Minato can see people’s auras. Now we’re told they also see light differently, feel people’s energy and can hear things that normal people can’t.

Ren describes the two of them as having a “disposition for the spiritual” and wonders if Minato is like that because someone in his family was also like that. Seiya had previously asked if Minato’s mother had that kind of disposition, except the word was written differently when he said it. The term he used was 巫女気, while Ren used 神子気. Both read as “mikoke” in furigana, but they have different meanings. Seiya was asking if Minato’s mother had the natural disposition of a shrine maiden (巫女). Ren was affirming that Masaki and Minato had a natural disposition for something else entirely. 神子 reads as “miko” but doesn’t mean “shrine maiden”, exactly—the literal meaning is “child of the gods” or “child of a god”. This is a gender neutral version of “shrine maiden”, referring to people who carry out the same duties at shrines but aren’t women. There’s no translation for it, as far as I’m aware.

Many people on the Japanese side of the fandom have theorized about the implications of this interaction. Everyone seems divided between the following options:

Masaki and Minato are gods or demigods

Masaki and Minato are candidates for becoming gods

Masaki and Minato are descendants of gods

Masaki and Minato have been either gods or god candidates in their past lives

Masaki and Minato are the reincarnations of gods

In any case, the two of them are once again officially set outside the scope of normal human beings because they “belong to the gods”, one way or another. Personally, I lean onto the “god descendant” theory because of the mentioning of Minato’s mom. I also lean onto the “god candidate in a past life” because this volume brings out the topic of past lives and characters experiencing memories and feelings that aren’t their own. So I guess my bet is that they were god candidates in past lives because they’re god descendants.

As for what gods they are or have descended/reincarnated from, people mostly agree that it’s probably Amaterasu for Minato and Tsukuyomi for Masaki. I’m on board with that as well. Even if none of these theories turn out to be true, the fact that the two are parallels to Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi in the text is undebatable.

Minato and Masaki are often portrayed as the “shining sun” and the “guiding moon” of the club. Minato gets people motivated, “sets a fire” in them, and is associated with fresh verdure, which evokes the image of sunny summer days. Meanwhile, Masaki is a beacon—he’s there to lead these kids through the dark. This is even included in his character song. Yata Shrine is also associated with nighttime and it’s no coincidence that Fuu is an owl and not some other animal. Plus, Masaki is the first character to be described as having his soul “set on fire” by Minato (moon reflects the light of the sun).

Their birthdays also play into it. Minato’s birthday falls on the winter equinox in, you guessed it, fucking leap years. As volume 3 so eloquently puts it, that’s the time when the sun “dies and is reborn”. Masaki and Minato met for the first time in fall—a time of decay, of death. And then they met again in spring—a time for rebirth. When Minato came in contact with archery for the first time, it was the end of life as he knew it, and he began a new one. When he moved from middle to high school, having lost sight of his form and “given up” on archery, it was the end of that cycle, and yet another cycle began. Masaki was there in both of these moments.

Before meeting Masaki for the second time, Minato had a different attitude towards archery. He was in kind of a comfort zone as the oomae because he knew he could count on Seiya and Shuu, and didn’t like the cheering of the crowd because it was distracting. He was also a little averse to the Buddhist essence of archery and how it seemed to cross the boundaries of what he considered human, which is why Saionji told him to study more. It lowkey felt like he was looking for vestiges of his mother in doing archery, as suggested by the references to “Kaeru no Uta”. But now he is pretty much the opposite of all that. He’s the ochi instead of the oomae, which made him realize all sorts of things and has come to feel gratefulness for everything he has. And he himself attributes it all to meeting Masaki that night, during the last tournament of volume 1. In the same paragraph, it’s confirmed that Masaki would also have given up archery and be in a bad place if he hadn’t met Minato.

One of the first people to notice the change in Minato is Shuu. He says in volume 1 that he wanted to “shoot through a certain someone’s heart”, and of course he meant Minato, only to then realize in volume 2 that Minato’s heart had already “been shot” by someone. As if that wasn’t already enough of a shocker, Minato suddenly only had eyes for this person, meaning he wanted to shoot through their heart too. It’s said in this volume that “Bows and arrows had come into the world as tools to sever the lives of others, but archers used them to sever their own lives. And then, to be born again.” It feels like Minato and Masaki use bows and arrows to server not just their own lives but also each other’s. And when they’re “reborn”, their bond grows even stronger. They continuously do this dance together in every volume.

And for the billionth time, archery = their relationship.

As for Masaki’s birthday, other than it being exactly one month before Japanese archery day, it also falls on the 6th moon day of the lunar calendar. It’s a day for assimilation of cosmic energy, where one will find grace, love, forgiveness, mental and verbal work. It’s also a day associated with “prophecies” ("something devised from the very beginning", as the novel always says). If those are not perfect definitions of Masaki and Minato’s relationship, I don’t know what is.

There are other things that add up to the Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi theory. For example, Minato shutting off to everyone when he is in a slump because of target panic, just like Amaterasu hiding in a cave and taking the sunlight with her. People try to lure her out, just as Seiya and Ryouhei try to convince Minato to join the club. I’ve seen someone on Twitter discuss about Tsukuyomi being a violent god when provoked, relating that to Masaki’s “gorilla moves in the Kujou villa” (OP’s words, lol). This same person also theorized that the Kazemai archery club being dubbed the “mustache club” is also an Amaterasu reference. “Mustache club” in Japanese is “hige-bu”. “Hige” in this case means “mustache”, but can be written as 日下, meaning “under the sun”. The colors of the mustaches are also the colors of Japanese dragonfly types, so they are indeed a direct reference to Minato. There’s also Eisuke and his photosensitivity. He can’t handle the sun just as much as he can’t handle Minato.

“But Amaterasu is a female god” yes, and Minato has been confirmed as non-binary in the afterword of volume 3. The author had already set him up as an androgynous character from day one, but now she just went and said it: Minato is neither male nor female at heart. That’s also very Zen-Buddhist, because it means he’s detached of the very concept of gender—he’s just himself.

And of course, there’s the elephant in the room. The fact that Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi are both a couple and siblings. We’ve had Kaito monologuing in volume 2 that Masaki is the “big brother” of everyone in the club. In this same monologue, he also notes that Minato is closer to Masaki than everyone else. There’s something between them that goes beyond what Masaki has with the other club members. It's technically the same relationship as Masaki has with the others (master and disciple), yet it just goes deeper. Kaito never really says that Masaki likes Minato more, but it's what he seems to think. And he probably isn't wrong. Masaki loves Minato and all not-Minatos equally. I recall seeing a few people go, “so we’ve been BroTP’d” when the translation of this chapter came out, but one thing does not cancel the other. Masaki can be a reliable big brother figure to the club and Minato can still have the biggest crush on him. Shocking surprise, I know. Even more surprising considering the fact that Minato himself was never shown to think of Masaki as a big brother, and neither does Masaki see Minato as a little brother.

Then again, it's siblings and married couple. And now, thanks to volume 3, we can count “marriage proposal” as one of the things to associate with these two.

Chapter 5 was really something. I mean, I know volume 3 is literally “MasaMina the Book”, but this fucking chapter. Masaki just so happening to see a bicycle that looked exactly like Minato’s outside the store he was going into proves that he also has a fate-powered radar. He can find Minato even when he isn’t looking for him or doesn’t even expect Minato to be anywhere nearby.

The talk about the jeans is also funny as hell because the sentence “indigo blue seems like a good fit for you” is just too much. Too fucking much. I don’t even mean the literal implication that Masaki’s designated color suits Minato best. I mean the fact that you can read “indigo blue” as a euphemism for “Masaki”. It’s the whole “don’t dye yourself in any color other than mine” all over again. Fuck off, Ayano.

This whole scene is the cutest sequence ever. The two of them looking around the store together, and then going solo only to give each other presents after they were done just... rotted all my teeth off my head. Both of them asking for the presents to be put in wrapping, and it turning out to be the exact same wrapping, was a cherry on top. The ribbons got me a little off-guard because anyone would be embarrassed to do that shit. You don’t have to go this extra mile of present wrapping, but it's natural for them. And it’s absurdly adorable that they’re speechless for a moment at the coincidence.

Did they. Did they also realize how extra they were being? Did they?

Color matching is again implied as Masaki gives Minato a green shirt because it’ll “look good with the pants”. We get it, Ayano. Enough is enough, Ayano. And speaking of colors, way back in ancient Japan, blue and green were conceptualized not as different colors, but as different shades of the same color. The word “blue” was used for both for a long time. And by that I mean really fucking long. "Green" was only introduced in the Heian period, but it wasn't widespread until after freaking WWII. That's extremely recent. The Ainu go a step further and still conceptualize not only blue and green but also white as the same color. White is also one of Masaki’s colors, given that he’s a Shinto priest. Very predictably he wears white during important ceremonies at Yata Shrine.

Their colors are one and the same. These two idiots are one and the same. Yeah, we know, Ayano. We fucking know.

As they arrive to Masaki’s apartment, it’s revealed that Minato had already been there before. It’s also implied that he has slept over at least once, and that when he spends the night, they sleep together in Masaki’s bedroom. I was wondering why there was a brief moment earlier in the volume where Ren asks to stay at Masaki’s apartment for a while, only to be turned down. There seemed to be no reason for it, but apparently it’s because Minato stays there every now and then. Good fucking god.

Masaki’s habit of being messy in contrast with Actual Housewife Narumiya Minato is a voice whispering in the background that Masaki needs someone like that living with him. The part where their legs bump under the kotatsu and their reaction to it is to look at each other and laugh fucking ended me.

When Minato tells Masaki that Ren said things about his vision, Masaki tries to dodge it by saying, “yeah, I have good vision because I grew up in a place surrounded by greenery”, and surprisingly, Minato can see through it. He knows Masaki doesn’t want to talk about whatever Ren told him, and that his reaction means everything Ren said was true. And he backs off. He really wants to know but he gives Masaki space. I feel like this wouldn’t have happened in the previous volumes. Again, Minato is becoming more mature and less impatient as the story progresses.

Then comes the revelation of Masaki’s real name. I have talked about this scene at length in a previous post, which I’ll copy-paste here:

So Masaki’s first name was originally “Tamamori Masaki”. “Masaki” was written as 正樹 in the past and later became 雅貴, because he changed his first name as well when changing his last name. Same pronunciation, different writing. Just a random observation while we’re at it, but “Tamamori” is a weird surname. In a good sense. Like, it means “soul protector” in a very not obvious way. “Tama” means “sphere”, which has the connotation of “spirit”/“soul”. “Mori” means “protection”/“protector” (think of protection charms, “omamori”, for example). It’s not a common name by any standards (in fact, I didn’t even know this name existed before), and damn, does it define Masaki well. As a Shinto priest, he is literally a protector of spirits and gods. As a coach, he’s the protector of his disciples. And in general, he’s Minato’s protector.

We’ve known since volume 1 that Masaki had changed his surname to “Takigawa” because his mother had divorced his biological father and remarried. We also knew that he didn’t have his grandfather’s surname (Yasaka) before that, because that’s his mother’s father. He originally had his father’s surname, and until now, we didn’t know what that was. And we also didn’t know that Masaki had changed his first name along with his last name. There shouldn’t be any need for that. In fact, there shouldn’t be any need for him to change his surname either. Just because his mother remarried doesn’t mean he’s obligated to have his stepdad’s surname. Something else was the issue.

The issue being that Masaki’s biological dad is on Trash Dad Team.

Volume 3 is the one where we get the most of Masaki’s past until this point, so be ready for one hell of a ride now. For starters, his grandpa’s family is special. Not just because they run a shrine, but also because the people of their bloodline have a strong sixth sense. They can see and feel certain things that normal people can’t. I’m sure everyone could already tell that from volume 1, though. It’s always been hinted that Masaki has some sort of connection with the supernatural and the mystic aside from the fact that he’s a priest. It’s been even more strongly hinted that the same goes for Minato, and in this volume, we get a confirmation of it.

So there you have it. Masaki is a descendant of important people who have a long-standing, intimate relationship with the “other side”. One of his ancestors has their remains enshrined within a forest in another town and is worshiped by the locals. And here’s where things get wild: his father stole one of this ancestor’s bones from the shrine and ran the fuck away with it. His goal was probably to sell it to the black market or something. That kinda shit gets you an insane amount of money in Japan. However, before stealing the bone, he had tried to have the remains exhumed and handed over to him from the local people, claiming that he was one of the descendants of whoever was enshrined in that forest. From what the text implies, the actual descendant wasn’t him, but rather someone who was related to him.

Who that someone was? Masaki’s brother.

No, not Ren. Masaki’s biological brother.

Yes, Masaki has a sibling. Or had, before their father kidnapped him.

Masaki’s brother is three years younger than him and his name is never revealed. All we know is that they were close and Masaki loved him very much. When his father left, he took his youngest son along without anyone’s consent and ran away. Masaki and his mother have not seen him since.

“But wait, Japan is a country where the law actually works. How is it that the police hasn’t caught this guy? Is this a stretch from the author? Perhaps just bad writing?” you might be asking yourselves. Sadly, no. The author is actually being realistic here (and likely providing an educated critique to how flawed Japan’s law is when it comes to caring for minors in general). I know that what I’m about to say is going to sound crazy, but parental kidnapping isn’t a crime in Japan.

I wish I was making this up.

If two parents get divorced and one of them takes their child along when leaving, even if by force and without the consent or knowledge of the other parent, this isn’t considered kidnapping at all. Why? Basically, children are viewed as property of their families in Japan. If one of the parents wants to take their kid to their new home and raise them there, it’s completely legal. Their child, their choice. The child doesn’t have any right to object. The only one who has that right is the other parent, but they can only exercise it if they manage to catch the kidnapper in the act. Otherwise, if the other parent tries to get the child back after the child has been kidnapped, they need to have the permission of the kidnapper, because by then the child would be in a new residence that doesn’t belong to both parents, only to one, and accessing it without the consent of the residence’s owner would be invasion of property. And that is a crime that could get the other parent in jail, even if they’re literally just trying to save their child.

All of this felt completely insane to write and I presume it feels even more insane to read.

As to why Masaki’s dad took his brother away, it’s because of their special bloodline. Apparently, Masaki’s brother was just like him. After his father left with his brother, Masaki and his family figured that he’d come back to take Masaki too, and that’s why he had to change his name. That way, Masaki now belongs to his stepdad’s family, meaning that if his father tried to take him, then it would be legally considered kidnapping. It’s not very clear why Masaki also changed the writing of his first name, but it’s suggested that he did so because his father was the one who picked it for him.

But oh, it doesn’t get better. A while after the kidnapping, Masaki’s dad sent his little brother’s death certificate to them. On Masaki’s birthday. Ever since then, Masaki’s birthday has been his brother’s death anniversary.

Death and rebirth, and then death. The usual.

Masaki doesn’t think his brother really died. His father probably pulled some strings to forge the death and then got his brother a new identity. That way, his ex-wife’s family would give up on trying to get him back, and even if they decided to do otherwise, the chances of them succeeding would be next to none. Like, suppose they happen to get ahold of him by some dumb luck, they��d still never be able to prove that it’s him (with him being legally considered dead and probably having a whole different name now).

Masaki is understandably the most bitter creature on earth over this whole thing. He despises his father with a passion and hates his birth name. During his conversation with Minato about this, he says that his birth name is an “imina” to him.

We’re now coming full cycle with one of the earlier foreshadowings, so I need to contextualize imina a little more. Before the Meiji Restoration, Japanese people had a custom of using several different names for themselves, as well as taking on many different kinds of epithets, pen names and titles. People hardly used their birth names even to sign official documents or works made by themselves. This was so that it would be the hardest possible for their real names to ever be disclosed. Only their families would know their real names until they passed away. That’s when their names would finally be engraved in their tombstones, family altars and whatnot.

Other than family, the only person who would know another person’s real name was the one they were making romantic advances on. It was okay to pull this move because, during those times, people flirted with the ultimate purpose of getting married, meaning their sweetheart would become part of their family eventually. But there was always a chance of them being rejected, so it was a risky feat. It meant they were betting everything on getting a "yes" as the answer. Wars and battles over territory, political power and assets were an everyday life thing, and so were betrayals, spying, ordered assassinations and coup d’etats. People had to protect their identities at all costs back then. Revealing your real name to an outsider was an act of absolute trust, and this is mentioned in the novel—it was like entrusting the other person with your life. Of course, this isn’t the case anymore, but Masaki revealing to Minato his birth name, as well as telling him this extremely personal and heavy story, is act of absolute trust, equal to putting his life in Minato's hands. Remember chapter 1: imina = "the name of a life".

But Masaki knows that he can share this with Minato. Minato won’t be put-off by it, won’t be judgmental towards it, and most importantly, won’t ever tell a soul about it. It’s actually real funny to me that Minato listens to this absurd story without batting an eye. He just accepts all of it, no questions asked. And the only thing he isn’t okay with is Masaki talking about his own name as if it’s disgusting and a burden.

Now I have to leave a translation of this part here because it’s fucking golden. You've gotten through this wall of text. You deserve it.

“‘Tamamori Masaki’. That’s my former name.”

“Your birth name?”

“I changed my first name along with my surname. My old name is an imina to me. Don’t really wanna be reminded of it.”

Masa-san was giving a bitter smile – one that was not like him. First there was Ren the other day and now this; these brothers just had too many secrets. Minato did not mind that they would not tell him about the circumstances. However, hating your own name was simply too sad.

“That doesn’t feel right. Imina were used up until the Meiji Era and they were something precious that only your lord and family members could know. Apparently, you’d only tell it to other people when courting them.”

“Fuh, that’s dangerous. Seiya would beat me to a pulp if he found out. Well then, mind giving me your reply?”

“To what?”

“To my marriage proposal.”

“Heh? I-I don’t know anything about that kinda stuff.”

“‘That kinda stuff’, huh.”

“I’ve never thought about that kinda stuff.”

“You just said ‘that kinda stuff’ twice.”

“You’re the worst master ever.”

“Minato, you’re like a jack-in-the-box. Whatever’s inside is always beyond my imagination.” Masa-san giggled.

——Looks like he was teasing me. Geez, I’m seriously no match for this man.

Minato stood up. “About time I head home.”

“Want me to give you a ride?”

“I’m good.”

When he pushed the door open, a gray sky spread out before his eyes.

“Uh, it’s raining. I didn’t bring my raincoat today.”

“Well-timed shower, huh? Wanna drink some coffee?”

“Hm.”

Minato closed the door.

Filed under: jokes that mean exactly what they mean.

I love that in Tsurune, the punchline in these moments doesn’t come from double entendre. The joke is precisely what it sounds like. When Masaki says “proposal”, the word he uses is specifically meant for marriage. But no, he’s not really asking for Minato’s hand. He just worded it like that because he knew it’d get a reaction out of Minato, and that’s where the humor lies.

I have seen some people (even some influential artists) in the fandom honestly believing that Masaki really was proposing to Minato in this scene, and if any of y’all ever happen to come across someone posting about that, rest assured. He wasn’t. It’s the same as when he joked about teaching Minato “the basics of a relationship”. He wasn’t being serious at all, but when he said “the basics”, it meant exactly what it sounds like.

I also think it’s really funny that Minato makes a mental note on the fact that he was being teased, which means he at first thought Masaki was being serious. For a hot minute, Minato honestly believed that Masaki was proposing marriage to him, in canon. His realization that it was a joke is literally written there. And the best part is, he didn’t say no. He took Masaki seriously for a moment and didn’t reject him. This had my head spinning when I read it for the first time. I was straight-up fucking disoriented for a while. I don't know how many people truly understand how outrageously big this is. Minato basically just said... that it was too early for him, lmfao. It feels like he was asking for time to reply. Like, "Gimme a few years so that I can say yes."

But don't be fooled, y'all. Masaki wasn't proposing, yet he was asking Minato a question that he wanted an answer to. Except this question wasn’t “will you marry me”. It was something else, hidden between the lines, which the novel comes back to in the last tournament. More on that later.

And just to finish up the analysis of this scene, gotta love the weather suddenly turning on Minato just so that he’ll get to spend more time with Masaki. He’s about to leave out of sheer embarrassment but the gods say, “Oh, no, you don’t”. And when he goes back in, it just feels like he completely forgot about how flustered he was a second ago. Speaking of flustered, this doesn’t translate into English, but the way Minato thinks about “being no match” for Masaki is distinctively feminine. It truly feels like a girlfriend or wife thinking about her man. The text pretty much slapped me in the face ‘cause it’s by far the girliest thing I’ve read in the entire novel.

Cut to Takumi’s first attempt to sabotage Minato and Masaki coming back after a week of looking for his brother. Mandatory Missing Masa-san Hours and wanting to go to him for advice are over, and Minato is relieved to see Masaki’s smile for the first time in a while, because this is also a mandatory “Masaki’s smile has a healing effect on Minato” moment.

New yugake in hand, Minato goes to Yata Shrine to get used to it, because duh. When Masaki misses the target more than once during their little practice, he gets dodgy again, except this time it’s hard to notice. He says it’s because he hasn’t drawn the bow for a whole week, and while this also plays into it, the main reason is his current state of mind. Which is also the reason why he doesn’t want Minato to touch him as he is now, as well as the reason why he was asking his grandfather from beyond the grave if he was really qualified to do purification rituals. Because right now, he's as impure as can be.

Masaki has murderous intent towards his father for ruining the lives of his family, especially his brother’s. When he swears that he’ll find his father and "choke the life out of him", he means it in the literal sense. He up and declares to the gods that he’ll kill his father with his own hands. And it's not valid for just this life, but no matter how many times they’re reborn, he’ll end his father if he ever finds him.

Don't know about you guys, but this reminds me a lot of S1 Masaki. More specifically, this feels like the author's take on S1 Masaki. Him being all bitter and gloomy, missing the target and bearing heavy negative feelings toward someone from his family is a first in the novel, and it's all stuff that S1 brought about. But the way S1 did it was just so wrong on so many levels and butchered Masaki's character so blatantly that I can understand if Ayano felt tempted to do her own fix-it of that. Feels like it's her saying, "If Masaki wanted revenge for being done dirty by a family member, this is how it'd go." It takes parental abuse and child kidnapping for Masaki to actually wish for something this serious. That's how far it'd have to go for it to taint his thoughts even when he's in the dojo, to the point he loses sight of himself for a moment and misses the target.

But anyway, back to the scene at hand. Masaki's desire to have his brother back feels more like a curse than a prayer to him at this point, but there’s someone who can break it. That’s why he doesn’t want this someone to look at him with “those eyes”. It's not just Masaki who has a healing effect on Minato—Minato, too, has a healing effect on Masaki. Again, everything is mutual and equal in this relationship. But Masaki can't afford to be healed just yet. He probably feels that if his hatred for his father dies out, it’s the same as giving up on finding his brother, and turning a blind eye to everything his father has done. However, Minato can hear what Masaki isn’t saying: “I wasn’t born for the sake of hating someone.” Masaki has made up his mind, but he actually wants out. He doesn’t hate his father because he wants to, but because he can’t help it. What he truly wishes for is that none of this was happening, and that his brother was there with him.

Minato knows that full well, so he nulls the fucking contract.

“Correction; I’m taking that back. What you said earlier isn’t valid. Masa-san is nothing but a perverted, shitty old man! That’s all!”

“Mi-Minato?”

“It’d be a problem if a Shinto priest says something like that and it happens to come true, yeah? I’ll go learn pro-wrestling. I’ll pin your arms behind your back and stop you.”

Masa-san blinked a few times, then burst out with a “pfft”. “That’s too much, Minato.”

“What’s too much?”

“Well, just everything. Just as I thought, my disciple is cute.”

“Hah? Don’t call me cute. And saying stuff like, ‘My birthday doesn’t matter’ even though everyone celebrates it with you... how can you spout something so selfish? There’s this thing my mom used to say. That a birthday is the day when people express gratitude to you for being born.”

“All right. My apologies. I will keep that in mind. I take back what I said a moment ago.”

“You’re talking like a middle schooler, Masa-san.”

“That’s rich coming from a little kid.”

“Don’t call me a little kid! I’m 16 and a second-year in high school!”

Masa-san laughed with a hand over his stomach.

——Isn’t that rude? I’m being serious here.

The bright red thing that had been surrounding Masa-san disappeared.

“Crimson lotus” was originally a Buddhist term, and the seventh of the Eight Hells, the “Hadoma Hell”, was also known as the “Crimson Lotus Hell”. It was said that those who fell into this hell would have their skin and flesh torn up from the excessive cold, thus their body would be dyed in the colors of fresh blood and suffer extreme pain. It was said that this made them look like a crimson lotus flower.

——I’m begging you, please don’t go away to that farthest north. Don’t disappear from my sight. Ever again.

So to break this one down, when Minato says “I take that back” and “what you said earlier isn’t valid”, he’s referring to Masaki’s declaration. He’s talking to the gods and telling them, “don’t listen to him, he doesn’t know better”. And then Masaki himself takes it back. The contract isn’t valid anymore, and even if Masaki tries to go through with it, Minato won’t let him.

It’s said earlier in the novel that breaking a contract with the gods isn’t easy. Once you put it into words, your fate is no longer in your hands. But Minato did it. Because if it’s Masaki, he can. Whatever concerns Masaki also concerns him. In that same scene, Masaki was thinking about how “First meetings are like the moon in an overcast night. Like a blink of peridot”, and then the Kazemai kids come to mind. This is a parallel to the ending of volume 1, where Minato tells Masaki about his grandfather's last words about him, and where first meetings are described as a “gift named coincidence, as if someone else had devised it”. This moment was a “gift from the gods” that Masaki received from the boys, all thanks to him meeting Minato.

Masaki bestows Minato with gifts, but he gets gifts in return.

This brings us back to “Greensleeves”. One of the many interpretations from the boys is that it’s a declaration of “I’ll hold your arms and stop you no matter how many times it takes, no matter how many times we’re reborn”. When Minato talks about pinning Masaki’s arms behind his back to stop him, that’s a direct reference to it. He’d already asserted in volume 1 that he’ll go after Masaki if Masaki dies, and now he’s asserting that he’ll go after Masaki into any number of next lives. This implies they’ve been through multiple reincarnation cycles together. Of course it’s not just You and Eddie who have known each other from past lives. No way that the author would introduce the concept of reincarnation only to limit it to secondary characters. None of this started now—it was, again, “devised from the very beginning”.

So if you put Minato's statemens together, what you get is: “If you die, I’ll go after you, and I’ll find you and hold onto you again.”

Minato is literally saying he’ll be with Masaki forever, beyond the borders of time. His grandmother asked Masaki to take care of him forever, Ren asked Minato to take care of Masaki, and now Minato is saying that Masaki doesn’t even have a choice—he will take care of Masaki whether Masaki wants it or not. All in all, I think Masaki isn’t completely free yet, but this is the first step to getting rid of his “curse”. I don’t know how many people realize that this means the fucking world to him. Minato is helping him pull himself out of his own personal hell, and I firmly believe that, in this moment, he thought the same thing that Minato did during his “proposal”. That he's no match for him.

Fuck me sideways.

Next thing we know, the boys are at the prefecturals. Masaki once again sweeps Minato’s thoughts during Kazemai’s turn.

“The pure of heart were fragrant. He knew with every inch of his body that this was no metaphor. Whenever he brought his face close to the owner of the fragrance, he was ecstatic. He could hear a whisper saying, ‘I want to let it intoxicate me for good; I wouldn’t mind even sinking to the bottom of a lake if it would mean that I can keep him to myself’, but those were the words of a demon. He must not fall for the sweet talk of the one who bore the same face as himself.”

Ex-fucking-scuse me, but why the fuck does this sound like a scientifically accurate description of what being in love is like from a biology standpoint? Feeling ecstatic whenever he comes closer to Masaki and is able to smell his scent? Is that fucking pheromones or what? Hello???

Amazing how literally all of Minato’s internal struggle in this volume consist of him trying not to give in to his desire of monopolizing Masaki. And my God, boy would go some crazy lengths for that desire. I've said this in an ask reply before, but I need to reiterate that it's just delightful how Minato's whole deal isn't whether or not he wants to cross the line with Masaki. It's that he does want to cross the line and he fully acknowledges it. He even seems to believe that he'll get what he wants if he pushes hard enough. But he won't cross the line because he "mustn’t fall victim to temptation". I mean, regardless of the nature of it (be it romantic or platonic or whatever), that is temptation, undebatably. It’s quite literally being presented as such by the narrative.

Masaki is very much tailored to Minato’s tastes, interests and necessities, we been knew, but this also means he’s Minato’s probation. He says earlier in this volume that being human comes with basic necessities, like hunger, sleep and libido, and that there’s no need to try to eliminate them from our lives. What we need to do is not to exaggerate—in other words, to fight back greed. Minato has to resist the urge to take Masaki for himself, 'cause that’s the only thing he’s greedy about.

Yeah, that checks it out. Minato is a carnivore, all right.

What also checks out is that MasaMina covers up depictions of all five senses. There are very specific things between them that correspond to the five senses, plus the two being gifted with sixth sense.

Hearing: tsurune, Masaki's laugh, and now meigen

Taste: coffee

Smell: the above-mentioned scene

Sight: always looking at each other and wanting each other's attention, plus the dozens of references to each other's eyes

Touch: two normally-not-tacticle little bitches have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time whenever they're unable to touch each other for an extended period, what the fuck is this novel

Yes, Ayano went Six Base Senses on us. MasaMina is Buddhism too, guys. Just gotta love that it’s not even a matter of whether Minato wants to cross the line or not—he does, and his whole arc in this volume is about him trying his best not to do that.

Bonus: one more thing from this scene that doesn't translate well is the sentence “bows and humans—a world for just the two of them”. This is very ambiguous in English. It might sound like “two of them” refers to a person and their bow, but in Japanese, the word used means specifically “two people”. Minato is thinking about Masaki here. No one else would make any contextual sense.

“Masa-san, there’s something I wanna tell you. I want you to listen without laughing.” Goddamn. That is one fucking way to start the second section of the last chapter.

So Minato has had a strange experience years ago but could never tell anyone about it, because Seiya would think he’s gone crazy and Ryouhei would dismiss it as a dream. Coincidentally, Masaki also has had a supernatural experience that he’s never told anyone before. For the millionth time, they entrust each other with a secret.

Minato has had an episode of sleep paralysis as a child. It was on Setsubun, the day on which Japanese people traditionally throw beans outside their houses to ward off evil spirits. He was feeling particularly out of it on that day and had no memory of the previous one—might very well be an indication that the veil was thin in that occasion and Minato was feeling the effects of it. During the sleep paralysis, he heard six sci-fi movie-like sounds shooting past him.

Masaki in turn tells him about the time when he fell into deep depression because of the whole thing with his brother and grandfather. He was sent by his mother to a temple to recuperate, but just kept having suicidal thoughts every single day, until he heard a voice from above the left side of his head saying, “all right”. Someone on Japanese Twitter pointed out that this the position of the head of the family in a family altar. That was Akihiro cheering him on. Masaki wanted to disappear, to never wake up again after going to sleep, but when he thought of his family, he couldn’t afford to take his own life. So he didn’t. He just continued doing his best, and Akihiro was seeing it all from the other side. This was also acknowledgement—the acknowledgement from his master that he longed so much for. That’s when he began to get better.

Not sure if Minato understands any of this. But their reaction is once again to look at each other and smile.

“Gives you kind of a weird sense of empathy, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s true. You can tell other people about this day when the time is right—when your words are filled with your truth.”

This moment is described as a “secret between master and disciple”, but the word “secret” in this case isn’t the commonplace 秘密. Nope, it’s 秘め事, which is, more often than not, used as an euphemism for “secret love maneuvers”. Deliberate, deliberate.

Please kindly go fuck yourself, Queen.

The six sounds Minato heard on that day come back to him during the last match of the final tournament. They are distinguishable from one another and take the form of “arrows of light”, piercing through his body from his head into the ground. It’s implied that these sounds are “meigen”. This might very well be the boys’ shots, plus Masaki’s, taking on a spiritual form and traveling through time and space to reach Minato, after he has found his “truth”. Maybe from a past life, where they did the Meigen Ceremony together, or maybe from something else that they will do in the future.

The shots are apparently compared to dragons in flight by the narrative, and it’s even suggested that they might have colors. The reason why they come separately in bouts of three might be a reference to the ultimate goal of Japanese archery (truth, goodness and beauty), as well as the three sounds that define a good shot (sae, tsurune and matooto). Can’t forget the references to Buddhism. Six is probably the most recurrent number in it, and Masaki even talks to Minato about the six realms, six senses and six cycles of reincarnation earlier.

People are shouting, “all right, all right” as the boys hit the targets, one “all right” for each of them. But Minato can hear a sixth “all right” immediately before the arrows of light hit him. Perhaps that was his mother.

Minato thinks to himself, “The days I’ve spent with you. The days I’ll spend with you from now on. Who am I supposed to thank for this happiness?” The “you” is in singular form, meaning he’s thinking about Masaki.

Kazemai is once again associated with the sun as the boys are described as “those who gather under the sun” and “heading towards a bright place”. They are depicted as dying and being reborn, becoming babies and growing up all over again, and at the end of that process, they will become true adults (saints) once they’re able to embrace even those whom they despise. Minato is very much on the way for that, as he despises neither Takumi, who literally almost kills him later, nor Eisuke for being a general dickhead or the twins for picking on him. He also was never depicted as hating the driver who killed his mother or the one who almost killed Masaki—this wasn’t ever even mentioned, and instead, he blamed himself for being the one who got the long end of the stick in both situations. And by the looks of it, he doesn’t hate Masaki’s dad for everything he’s done to Masaki and his family, either. He treats everyone equally.

“The sun was in itself a form of unconditional love. It shone down on everyone equally—both the good and the bad. The Japanese called that star Amaterasu Oomikami.”

Minato recalls his most recent encounter with Saionji, where he has given his answer to the Heart Sutra. Saionji basically tells him that he’s in the right track. This, added to his monologue above, makes me think that maybe. Just fucking maybe. Minato is always able to forgive everyone and everything because thanks to all of it he’s been able to meet and spend time with Masaki. So he’s grateful for both the good and bad things in his life.

The boys then go back, in their own heads, to the day they heard “Greensleeves” at the park. Seiya is thinking about what he was going to say to Kaito under that tree, meaning that Kaito is Greensleeves to him. Ryouhei probably has his sister in mind, as he had a two-page monologue about her in an earlier chapter. Nanao is also thinking about Kaito and how he gave him strength to not give up his position as regular. Kaito is most likely reminiscing to the monologue he had when chasing after Seiya. And Minato is speaking to his mother about the meaning of the song to him.

Minato’s interpretation of “Greensleeves” is that it’s a song where a master asks his disciple for the answer to a problem, and then smiles when the disciple answers. The problem: “Mind giving a reply to my marriage proposal?” The answer: “I’ll go learn pro-wrestling. I’ll pin your arms behind your back and stop you.”

Yep, that’s right. The “pro-wrestling” thing is one more of the many word plays of this novel. In Japanese, the words “pro-wrestling” and “proposal” sound very similar. Minato could’ve just said he’ll hold Masaki’s arms and stop him. He didn’t have to mention pro-wrestling. But he did so because Ayano wanted us to associate “puroresu” with “puropozu”. She wanted us to remember the marriage proposal scene when reading this part, because that was Minato’s answer to it.

In Japanese culture, if it wasn’t already obvious enough, you say things without really saying them. In Zen martial arts, this also applies, because everyone has to find their own answer to the problems and doubts they encounter along the way. And in romantic relationships, too (throwback to the Souseki anecdote).

Masaki reveals to Minato the darkest truth about himself and shows Minato his ugliest side, then basically asks him, “So what are you gonna do with that, now that you know?” (proposal) and Minato’s answer is “I’ll take care of you” (pro-wrestling). Roundabout as can be, this is intentional. This bullshit is very well concealed in all these word plays and cryptic expressions because it’s supposed to hit you like a truck when you realize what they truly mean. Just like it hits Masaki like a truck back then. He most likely understood what Minato was really saying. Fundamentally, Minato was telling Masaki that he loves him without directly saying “I love you”.

The moon is fucking beautiful, huh.

And then Masaki laughs. The master asks, the disciple answers and the master smiles in response. “Greensleeves” has now come full cycle. This is also an ultimate Zen moment because Minato was essentially accepting everything that Masaki is, even the worst of him. This is quite literally a promise—a contract that Minato has made with him.

You know what else is also a contract?

It’s not a marriage proposal... but it is, actually. Those are not marriage vows... but they are, actually. Ayano is fucking with us.

She’s fucking even more in the following paragraph:

“Attraction towards the opposite sex and affection between parents and children are biological desires based on the prosperity of offspring, and it is not so difficult to love someone who has been kind to you. True friendship is beautiful and hard to earn. Those who walk the same path, master and disciple, are also friends. The only difference is that one is going ahead and the other behind, but the two of them continue on a never-ending journey together.”

So, before anyone goes “we’ve been BroTP’d” again, Ayano is affirming here that friendship is also an aspect of Masaki and Minato’s relationship, specifically, and that this is purer and more beautiful than love between couples or family. Now, what exactly is the extent of “friendship” here? Welp, traditionally, in Japan, “friendship” includes a lot of things. If we look back into Edo or Heian, both periods of Japanese history that are constantly referenced in Tsurune, “friendship” between men often included courting for a certain period. Especially between master and disciple. This was actually the common sense back then.

Yes, I’m talking about Shudo. I’m also losing my fucking mind, so bear with me here.

Ayano is definitely aware of the whole wakashu thing. This woman knows her history, okay? The “monk” jokes about Masaki aren’t for nothing. Monks used to work as Shinto priests as well back in the day and vice-versa, for Shinto and Buddhism were intimately connected for a long time. There’s also the ceremony that the boys participate for the Star Festival in volume 2, which, according to Masaki, was performed by chigo in the past. Chigo aren’t a thing anymore, of course, but this seemingly unnecessary comment indicates that, if this were a few centuries ago, Minato would’ve been a chigo and he and Masaki would obligatorily be in a relationship.

Now, remember the past lives theory? If Masaki and Minato have been master and disciple in their past lives, then they have been in relationships with each other in all of the lives where both of them were born as men. But that also means they had to marry a woman later on, because those were the times. In that paragraph, Ayano is quite literally saying that, regardless of who they marry, whatever they felt/will feel for their partners doesn’t hold a candle to what they feel for each other. "All women are beautiful, but only my disciple is cute."

But what would have happened if one of them was born as the opposite sex, you may ask. Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi all over again, probably. Minato is non-binary on the inside, so he would probably see and treat Masaki the exact same way and there would still be friendship between them.

Besides, once again, this is deliberate wording. “The two will go on a never-ending journey together”, “a world for just the two of them”, etc. Why do these sentences refer only to Minato and Masaki? Masaki isn’t Minato’s only master and Minato isn’t Masaki’s only student, so why does the narrative act like only the two of them matter here?

Japanese Twitter has speculated about this too. The conclusion is that maybe this is Ayano enforcing the concept of soulmates, and perhaps even of twin rays and twin flames. It’s often brought up how similar Masaki and Minato are, and twin flames/rays is based on the idea that each soul has its own frequency, which complies with the theory that “the world is made up of tsurune”. Not to mention the whole fate element and the implications that they’ve known each other from past lives. It honestly sometimes feels like the author is trying to say that Minato and Masaki are just one soul dwelling in different bodies or two separate souls that were once one. And they’re not the only characters who are implied to have a “half”—it’s very obvious that there’s a bunch of pairs in this story, and it’s not for nothing. Most likely, what Ayano means here is that Minato and Masaki will go in a never-ending journey not just regarding archery, but regarding life in general, including future next lives.

Ayano is being pretty realistic here too, because there are lots of little gay ships in Tsurune, but they will never be canon. MasaMina and KaiSei might have a veeery slim chance, but probably won’t either. Yet she’s laying the foundation that no matter who they end up with, their friendship is many steps above it. Have to admire her completely crushing the dreams of fans who ship themselves with the characters, lol. “He will never love you as much as he loves this other guy”, basically.

So in short, Masaki and Minato are master and student, which means they’re also friends. They’re sorta like siblings by default as well, and act like a married couple. All of this fits Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi just right. It also fits what Ayano says in the afterword about liking things that “are in-between” and “waver”—things that “can’t be put into a mold or categorized”. You really can’t put this relationship into a mold because it’s in all molds at the same time. It’s Everything and nothing at once. An optimal relationship from a Zen standpoint. A truthful, good and beautiful relationship.

The ultimate ideal.

Speaking of ideal, Masaki and Minato’s relationship is, in itself, the ultimate Zen ideal. I’m not just talking about how their dynamics literally follow the same flow as of Japanese archery, but also their relationship is the pinacle of what Zen standards consider to be pure. Minato never asked to be Masaki’s disciple and Masaki never offered to teach him. It just happened naturally, just like how they got into archery. Before they realized, they were doing it. Minato simply asked how Masaki was able to shoot so beautifully and told him about his target panic. Masaki, in turn, revealed that he also suffered from target panic in the past. And that was that. The next time Minato came to the dojo, Masaki started teaching him. Unprompted, unsolicited—directly, at least.

Minato needed to be taught and Masaki needed to teach.

So, back to this volume. The tournament ends and so nearly does Minato’s life. Another gift from God is bestowed upon him as Masaki saves his ass from imminent death for the nth time. Dramatic as fuck, like always. Yet he still says “excuse me” before shooting the allergenic into Minato’s tight, what a gentleman. Seiya’s reaction was priceless, I gotta say.

Masaki going after Takumi was kind of a shocker when I first read volume 3, but after reading it again in order to make this post, it was actually to be expected (notice that I'm saying "expected", not "okay", because that shit wasn't okay at fucking all). He has a lot of pent-up anger, but even if he didn’t, he’d never forgive anyone who puts his students in danger, let alone in a near-death situation like that. 'Cause Minato would have died if Masaki didn’t have that syringe with him. Minato, on the other hand, hasn’t yet learned pro-wrestling, but as promised, he comes to stop Masaki and shows that he, too, can be extra as fuck.

The afterword is packed with MasaMina this time around. Not just the confirmation of non-binary Minato and the uncategorizable things part, but also Masaki being described as someone who is human yet not. She really just up and said it, huh. Masaki is in-between the realm of people and the realm of gods, and more than once did he almost cross over to the gods’ side, but Minato was there to hold onto his arms and stop him. As Ayano herself puts it, she wrote this story because there are people whom she wanted to stop and keep by her side, and this shows in the way she writes about the main relationships of the story, especially MasaMina.

There’s also the way she describes what Tsurune is about—“this is a story of master and disciple and of bow friends”. The fact that she felt the need to clarify this and place “master and disciple” first speaks volumes about how this woman views her own story. This feels like another tiny act of rebellion against the anime, which makes it all about bow friends and barely shows any of the master and disciple aspect. Heck, it barely shows Masaki at all, period.

And like, this isn't even a matter of being salty about a fandom favorite getting sidelined, although that alone is already valid enough of a complaint in my opinion. It's also about the essence of keiko and how it simply doesn't work without the active participation of a master. It makes the whole thing seem to be about knowledge and practice (sport), when actually contemplation and looking inside oneself plays a much bigger role (art). Not to mention that it gives people the wrong idea about what the story and its characters are supposed to be. I've had people straight-up try to argue with me that Tsurune is about the main five boys and Masaki is secondary. I think we can finally put to that discussion to sleep, now that the author herself has spoken.

Tsurune-centric accounts on Japanese Twitter usually have the words "original work" in their bios. There's a reason for that, and it's the same reason why AO3 has separate tags for the Tsurune novel and the Tsurune anime. Even if we ever get to see volume 3 animated, it will only be as loose of an adaptation as can be, and we'll continue to get more and more anime-original content. I hope next time, if we ever get a next time, Masaki won't be borderline ignored again.

But he probably will, and that's what this post is for.

I hope this has clarified some things about volume 3. As I have already announced, I'm planning on making more analysis on other things that I wasn't able to include here because this post is already enough of a monstrosity as it is. I'll see you guys in the next ones!

Okay already.

Y’all are really damn eager for it, so here you have it: the infamous List of Erased Gay, AKA a glimpse of how we could be having it all if KyoAni weren’t doing us so dirty this year, Tsurune edition. The Violet Evergarden edition seems to have left a big impression, so maybe this listing will become a thing.

Then again, along with the canon gay that we lost, we gained a lot of anime-only shippy service that is not only weirdly fixated on Minato alone but also ruins the nature of many characters. KyoAni has been outright baffling this year in how little it understands the novels that it has been adapting, and even more in how proficient it has become in destroying the main relationships of each title. All in all, the personalities and purposes of the main characters have been severely altered, and there has been a disturbing trend (not only in Tsurune, but also in Violet Evergarden and Liz to Aoi Tori) of making the protagonists obsess with someone who apparently does only the minimum for them and being lukewarm with the people that seemingly care more for their wellbeing.

That’s not what any of these novels are about.

But since this post is centered on Tsurune, I’ll only talk about how the aforementioned major flaws apply to it. That boils down to KyoAni erasing most of what Masaki did for Minato and about 85% of the scenes they had together, replacing it with additional scenes without much purpose involving other characters. For whatever incomprehensible reason, KyoAni is hellbent on enhancing Minato’s relationship with everyone except the person he has the strongest bond with in the books, and a lot of you guys seemed to notice this. So, in order to address the cringeworthy disaster that the Tsurune anime has become, I’m naming this one as the List of Erased and Misplaced Gay.

Had to put it under a cut because of how long it got. While we’re at it, please consider reading the novel translations.

Keep reading

[meobsessions]

Hi! I saw you were taking requests, so I was wondering if you could maybe do a Dutch x reader where its later game Dutch and the reader is trying to keep him from spiraling further and it's just super angsty? If you don't have time or the inspiration to write it, don't worry about it. Love ya thanks!!

Wow, this was requested forever ago, and I just now got to it 💀sorry about the wait, hope this makes up for it (she’s a long one)!

Title: With Me or Against Me

Word Count: 9.4K

Rating: M (swearing, violence, suggestive themes, no actual smut tho)

Summary:  When you first met Dutch Van Der Linde, the two of you were in love. It was bliss. But as the gang is on the run from the law, trying to stay hidden and safe, tensions rise and you find the two of you drifting apart. That's not what you want to happen, but you find as you try to fix things with your love it only gets worse. When you finally confront Dutch will it make everything better, or will it be damaged beyond repair?

Here’s the AO3 link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29191437

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meeting Dutch van der Linde had been the best thing you had ever done. 

The work you did to make a living wasn't anything big, but it was enough for you to get by on your own. Delivering packages from one post office to the other was something that most people didn't want to do--it consisted of long days and uncontrollable weather conditions, but you always liked traveling. Seeing different sights, meeting new people, and giving your brown quarterhorse, Scout, some good exercise gave you more joy than spending your days in saloons like it did most people.

The first time you met Dutch van der Linde it was quite dramatic. Like a knight in shining armor, he saved you from some men who had surrounded you while you were riding your horse to a neighboring town. They wanted your packages and you told them to go to hell. Bandits weren't uncommon, so you made sure to always carry a pistol, but the three of them to your one presented odds even you weren't happy about. Dutch showed up out of nowhere, along with a man who introduced himself as Arthur. Dutch tried calmly speaking to the men, but when they drew their guns he didn't hesitate in pulling his own and shooting the one closest to you in the head. The other men spooked and took off, shouting idle threats as they left in a cloud of dust. 

When you had the chance to get a proper look at him, you were taken aback by just how handsome he was. Dark hair slicked back, a well-trimmed goatee on his face, warm brown eyes, and a muscular build visible even underneath his dress clothes. You hoped he didn't notice your ogling and looked him in the eye, thanking him profusely. He merely said he was doing what any decent man would do. He was suave, you had brazenly flirted, and then you were on your way. Though you didn't see the man for another week, he never left your mind. 

Then when you were delivering packages to a farther town, one that required you to ride through the night, you heard some scuffling in the woods. Thinking it nothing more than a random animal, you urged Scout on until you heard the following groan that was most definitely human. 

The last thing you were expecting was to find a drunk Dutch practically passed out in a bush. He didn't seem to be hurt, and it just looked like he had too many to drink after a good night out, so you weren't worried. After getting ahold of your laughter, you helped him onto your horse--his was nowhere in sight--and took him to the hotel in town where you paid for his room. He grabbed your hand just before you slipped from the room, and asked you to stay. Though a part of you was tempted, you politely declined. You just wanted to make sure he was safe in his inebriated state. It was the least you could do for him after what he had done for you. 

But if there was one thing you would learn about Dutch van der Linde in the coming months, it was that he was a man of determination. 

In simple terms, he didn't leave you alone. He always seemed to just so happen to be at the next town you were to go to. You'd bump into him at the post office, as that was where you normally went first. At first, you thought it was just a coincidence. He took you to dinner that night as a thank you for what you did when you found him. You told him it was unnecessary, but he insisted. 

But as time went on, the bumping into each other became more frequent, the dinners were expected, and the talks were longer. 

And after a month of this, it became clear that he was wooing you. 

Did he do so successfully? Yes. Were you going to take it easy on him for doing so? Absolutely not.

Though Dutch was a man of class, he was also just that: a man. If there was one thing your mama taught you that you remembered, it was that you should never change yourself for a man. So you didn't. 

You showed him who you were. What you liked doing. How you enjoyed your freedom and independence, more than most women you've encountered in your travels get the pleasure of enjoying. You expected him to be appalled, disgusted, wanting to move onto some other submissive woman. 

But instead of doing so, he was like a moth to a flame and came around even more. 

You met the group of people he traveled with, the people he called his family, and soon you came to understand why. The women were easy to get along with, and then men had their challenges, but don't they all?

After seeing each other for four months, you finally discovered the true nature of what it is that Dutch and his family did. You had been delivering a small box to one of the fancier towns in the country when you began to hear gunshots. When you walked down the street, you saw that the bank was being robbed. This wasn't uncommon--people didn't have money and some figured the only way to get it was by force. 

But what shocked you was the familiar voice that was calling out orders to the men who had bandanas on their faces as they ran from the building, large bags clutched in their hands. The man, whose hair was as dark as the night, turned in your direction and seemed to lock eyes in the crowd. He paused, and then another one of the men, this one also with familiar sandy blonde hair, grabbed his arm. He seemed to shake it off and ran around the back of the bank. 

Needless to say, when you saw Dutch that night you confronted him. You weren't going to keep secrets between the two of you, not when you were beginning to harbor some serious feelings for the man. 

He admitted to seeing you, and that he didn't want you to find out--at least not in the way you had. He told you what you did, how he had dreams of making a safe home for his family where they could live comfortably for the rest of their lives. 

And man if that dream didn't sound beautiful to you. 

And when he showed you how much money he managed to get from the bank, it didn't hurt either. 

Shortly after that, Dutch asked you to join the group, to travel with them. He told you they were going farther south than they had before, and that he couldn't bear to leave you. He wanted you to come with him, to be with him. 

And there was no way you could say no to that. 

So here you are, almost a year later, still sticking around.

Even after the hot pile of horse shit that was Blackwater. 

That was rough on Dutch, but you were there to help calm him down and think clearly. The two of you were a power pair: the gang looked up to you. Where Dutch was the leader, telling everyone what the plan was for the next step and making sure everyone was provided for, you were there at his side to look after everyone and make sure they had what they needed. You were the one they came to if they really wanted something because they knew that if you batted your lashes at Dutch there was no way he could say no. 

He both loved and hated it, you could tell. But he never told you to stop. 

And though you and Dutch love each other deeply, ready to lay your life down for the other should it come to it, you've also noticed that he's been...more withdrawn as of late. 

You shouldn't complain. A lot has happened in the past six months, and unfortunately, not much of it is good. 

Sean was killed after someone ratted the gang out to the families in Rhodes. Kieran was beheaded as a warning to your gang. Arthur was kidnapped by the Pinkertons, and try as you had to convince Dutch to go after him, Micah was there to whisper in his ear that it wasn't a good idea. You already butt heads with Micah as it is, and you had thought for sure that Dutch would listen to you, but Micah's voice was stronger you suppose. It had hurt, but when Arthur miraculously showed back up on his own, all attention was fixed on getting him better so you pushed it to the back of your mind. 

The time in Saint Denis was nice. Dutch took you to dinner like he did when you first started seeing him. He even took you to the theater and judging by how Dutch simply watched you instead of the show, you get the feeling that he took you there simply for your own pleasure instead of his own. You thanked him in more than one way later that night in your tent. 

Then when he made a plan to rob the bank in Saint Denis, you got a bad feeling in your gut. It didn't sound right to you, and Hosea agreed. In a rare moment, Dutch seemed to display a show of jealousy that you were siding with Hosea over him. You tried to reassure him that you were just looking out for everyone's best interests, but he didn't want to hear it. You didn't like the plan, so you excused yourself from the job and stayed back at camp.

And severely regretted it. 

Hosea and Lenny were killed. The others who went to the bank, Dutch included, disappeared. For a month. All of you thought them dead, unsure if they managed to escape or if the Pinkertons eventually got them in the end. You were all overcome with grief, and you were riddled with guilt for not being there. Maybe something would have gone differently, maybe if you had tried harder to convince him to stay...

But they came back. Dutch clutched you to him like you were what he needed to survive, and you didn't leave his side (or stop crying) for nearly three days. He put up no argument and didn't complain when you doted over him. He had lost weight, was injured in more than one place, and compared to the other men in the gang when they also eventually regrouped, he was lucky. Javier was shot.

And so you thought things were finally moving in a better direction. He grieved for those you had lost. For Lenny, for Hosea...and you were there for him. There to hold him when he needed it, there to comfort and care. You were his rock. 

And when you arrived at Beaver Hollow, he seemed to be a little more positive than before. Everyone did. Maybe it was the location, maybe it was the town that was nearby where nobody knew who any of you were, or maybe it was the fact that he was inspired once more to look for a place for all of you to settle down. This was finally it, you hoped, and then you could live the rest of your days out happily. 

Except Dutch started spending less time with you and more with Micah and Bill. More time was spent either at Micah's table or in your tent, and Dutch didn't allow you in the tent when he was talking over plans with the men. 

You had frowned and argued. "Since when am I not included in the plans?"

He shook his head and cupped your cheek, but you stepped out of his touch, unable to hide how hurt you were from being excluded. "We don't keep secrets, Dutch."

"It's not a secret," he had frowned, "it's a plan. The less who know, the better. I promise that once we get everything laid out here, it'll already be over. It just ain't...the safest of things, Sweetheart."

You didn't want to hear his words anymore and so you left. 

And that was the beginning of the rift. 

Dutch tried to patch things up at first, reassuring you that he was doing this for your safety, but you just wanted him to be done with his plans. You didn't want any more risky business like the bank in Saint Denis. Hosea's death had been the last you could take. You couldn't lose him too. 

But bringing up Hosea's death was a bad idea. He had closed off almost immediately. Micah had snickered and told you to go sew with the other women where you'd be useful, instead of distracting the boss. You had scoffed at his words, expecting Dutch to come to your defense, but...he didn't.

And so the hurt between the two of you grew. You stopped actively seeking him out, and he did the same with you. You started spending more time with Miss Grimshaw and Arthur on occasion, going out to hunt with him just so you'd feel useful. He knew that there was something wrong, but he never asked. And for his silence you were grateful. 

One morning something was different. Dutch was gone already when you wake up, and as of late that isn't odd. It hurts your heart to think about how you were when you first moved in with him, how he would hold you in his arms as if you were the most precious thing he'd ever had in the world. He told you about Annabelle, about how deeply he cared for her. You told him about your own experience with love. About the man you had been engaged to for a time, about how you broke it off because he wanted to keep you at home. 

He told you how though he cared deeply for Annabelle, he never thought it possible to love a person more...until he met you. And you told him you never knew what it meant to love someone until you met him. 

But these days you don't get that feeling from him anymore. It's like breaking up, even though you're still seeing the person. It's awful. 

And the worst part? You still love him with every breath you take. You still watch him as he walks through camp, as he talks with the others. When he glances your way you turn, almost embarrassed that he would think you were looking at him, even though just a little bit ago you would have done so without hesitation. 

You miss your best friend. 

"You listenin'?"

You tear your eyes away from where Dutch is deep in conversation with Micah, a frown tugging the edges of his lips down. Tilly has her hands on her hips as she waits for an answer from you. "Yeah, sorry. Just lost in thought, I guess."

She scoffs and shakes her head. "Lost in thought my ass."

You frown but take your turn and place a domino down, not saying another word on the subject. Mary-Beth looks between the two of you silently, her journal forgotten in her lap. 

"Y/N, when was the last time you was out of camp?"

You glance over at Mary-Beth, trying your best not to look over her shoulder at the man who's constantly on your mind. "I dunno...about two weeks ago, I reckon."

She frowns, tapping her lips with her pencil. "You're lookin' a little worn. Maybe some new scenery would be good for ya."

You can't help the weak smile you give her. "Are you sayin' I look bad?"

She laughs softly at that. "Not at all. I think we could all do with a nice ride around the area. We ain't really...checked it out since we got here. Only a few of the men have had the chance. There ain't no good reason we shouldn't go."

You look to the sky. Though it's only the middle of the day, the sky isn't that bright. There are gray clouds in the sky, a warning of rain to come. Hopefully, it won't happen for a few hours yet.

She's right. Maybe some fresh air, a place that's new and will offer a distraction would be nice. 

This time you allow your eyes to drift to Dutch. He's still deep in thought, and you can't help but sigh. Maybe it would be good for more than just you to get out of here for a little bit. 

Tilly can already see where your thoughts are heading. She throws the rest of her dominoes on the table in frustration and crosses her arms, startling you and Mary-Beth. She looks between the two of you. "What? Just go ask him already."

You snort, and that manages to get a lip twitch from her. You stand and take a deep breath. "I will. Just give me a minute."

You smooth your hand over your skirt, smoothing it as you muster up the courage to speak to Dutch. It shouldn't be this hard, you think to yourself, and just that reminder makes a twinge of sadness race through you. 

Maybe this can be the first step back in the right direction. Just a simple ride, right? Just to go see what's out there? He knows how much you like traveling. You know he does too, so maybe he'll be open to spending some time with you.

Micah spots you first as you walk over. He stops speaking and sneers, not even trying to hide his disgust at you. He's always been jealous of the sway you've had with Dutch, and now that he's somehow managed to gain that upper hand, you can understand how he was feeling. You want nothing more than to rip that mustache off his face. 

Dutch lifts his head and stares at you without saying a word. Of course, he wouldn't speak first. 

You clear your throat. "Me 'nd the ladies was thinkin' of takin' a ride around the area, getting out of camp for a while."

"Just another excuse to avoid the work that needs done 'round here." Micah's voice is dripping with disdain. Dutch shoots him a displeased look but doesn't say anything. 

You continue on. "...how does that sound?"

He takes a deep breath, folding his arms over his chest and looking away from you. "Take Arthur or John with you. We don't know who's living around the area, so just be safe."

You purse your lips. "I was hopin' you'd come with us, Dutch."

His eyes flit to yours quickly, and the surprise in them is gone just as fast as it was there. But you still saw it. Did he not think you wanted him to come?

He sighs and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his pocket watch and checking the time. "I'm too busy today, Y/N."

You frown. "You can't spare any time? Any?"

"He said he's busy," Micah jumps in. You throw a glare at him. 

"I'm not talkin' to you."

"And it's obvious that he don't want to talk to you."

You can't ignore the hurt that Micah's words send through you. Because even though you know he's just trying to make you leave, there's truth behind his statement. Dutch doesn't want to talk to you, otherwise, he'd be looking you in the eye right now. 

"Is that how it's goin' to be between us, Dutch?" You ask quietly. You wave a hand out at Micah. "I barely see you anymore, we can't share more than a few words, and Micah is answerin' for you now? Is that what he is, your bitch?"

Dutch does look at you now, but he's glaring. He's never looked at you like that before. You take a step back, unsure of how to handle this situation. It was never meant to escalate like this.

"Better than bein' his whore," Micah chuckles evilly, and you reach across the table and smack him across the face before he's able to get another word out. The camp goes silent. Micah is on his feet in a second, hands balled into fists at his sides and lip curled. 

"I'll fuckin' gut you, ya slimy--"

"Micah," Dutch barks, standing as well and facing the man, giving you his back. You're not sure what look it is he gives the blonde man, but whatever it is is enough to make him sit back down in his chair. That doesn't mean he doesn't continue to throw dirty looks your way. 

"You're just going to let him say stuff like that? You're not going to say anything?" You ask, pointing at Micah. He looks like he wants to jump across the table and bite your finger off. You don't care that you're shouting at this point. Everything has gone too far--the old Dutch would never have allowed Micah to even look at you like that. "You're going to let him call me a whore and not say a god damn word?"

"You slapped him," Dutch says lowly, turning to look down at you. His brows are pulled together as he frowns down at you, annoyed that this is happening. That people in camp are listening in. 

"Because he called me a whore, Dutch. It was an insult to me, and it was an insult to you." You shake your head, unable to believe that you even have to explain yourself. "Be honest with me Dutch, because that's all I've ever wanted from you was, to be honest. Do you even care anymore?"

He blinks, some of his anger fading away. He clearly wasn't expecting that question to come from you, not right now. "What?"

You feel your eyes begin to burn as the hurt, the loneliness, the grief from the past months start to creep forward. "About me. Do you care about me anymore, Dutch? I feel like I'm alone. I feel like you don't even want to be around me. I feel like a god damn nuisance to you anymore."

His face softens, and he murmurs your name quietly. "I didn't mean--"

"She's just lookin' for attention, boss. We got more important things to do." Micah growls, the back of his hand pressed to his inflamed cheek. Your eyes cut to him briefly before going back to Dutch. 

Do it, you think to yourself, prove him and me wrong. Prove that you still care about me. Pick me over him.

But Dutch just snaps his mouth shut, tight enough that you can hear his teeth clack. A muscle ticks briefly in his jaw. "I am trying to plan something for all of us, Y/N. A better way of livin'. I can't do that if I can't focus, and all it seems that anybody around here can do anymore is distract me."

And just like that, your heart drops to your stomach. 

You let out a shaky breath as tears start to stream down your face. Dutch's eyebrows raise in surprise and he flinches, his hand automatically reaching out towards you even though he probably doesn't mean for it to. "Y/N--"

"Don't touch me," you hiss, taking a step backward out of his reach, "don't talk to me. I can't do this to myself. I love you, Dutch van der Linde, and you're breaking my heart."

You turn without another word, refusing to look him in the eye. You pass the table you just sat at with the women, ignoring their sympathetic looks and the way the men politely avert their eyes as you walk past. 

Only one man tries to stop you. "Y/N," Arthur calls, jogging to reach your side, but you throw a hand out behind you to tell him to stop. 

"I'm goin' out," you say, hating the way your voice shakes. You go over to Scout and don't even bother putting the saddle on him, knowing you'll be gone quicker if you go bareback. You hike up your skirts and throw yourself on his back, grabbing fistfuls of his mane and finally looking down at your other friend in this camp. Arthur looks lost, like he isn't sure if he should push and follow you anyway or give you the space you're asking for. "Don't follow me. I need time alone to fuckin' think."

You squeeze your legs and Scout takes off, going faster than you asked but letting it go since it's been a while since he's been allowed to move like this. You let the sounds of camp fade away in the dust that Scout picks up and focus on getting as far away from this nightmare as you can.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You'll never admit it to anyone, but part of you knows that riding off like that, alone, when there's a storm gathering in the sky and the sun is beginning to set might not have been the smartest thing to do. 

But you're feeling sad, hurt, betrayed, so you don't really give a shit. 

When you first rode off you headed towards the nearby town, but you remembered you don't have any money or weapon on you, so you turn and head off down the trail through the woods instead. It's an obvious path and doesn't seem all that threatening, and Scout is calm as he trots along, so you push any possible fears to the back of your mind and instead focus on stewing about what has happened between you and the man that you would kill for. 

You give Scout control and allow him to wander wherever he pleases, satisfied when he decides to linger around a small stream just away from the main trail. You dismount and sit down at the bottom of a tree, pulling your knees up to your chest and watching Scout as he starts sniffing around the area. Once you're ready to go you'll whistle for him and he'll come, but for now you're fine with just being here for a while. 

The sound of the stream is calming in ways you didn't think possible, and every once in a while you see a rogue squirrel or bird come to the area before catching sight of you and quickly scurrying off. 

You just can't believe that Dutch is acting like this, treating you like this. You fell in love with the Dutch who knew what he wanted but cared enough for everyone else that he was careful about making such rash decisions. And most importantly of all, he included you in what he was doing. It made you feel wanted, made you feel like he needed you by his side. 

And now?

Now you feel like a bother. Like you're some garbage he's stuck with and he's looking for the closest trash can to throw you out in. 

You gave up your life for this man because you wanted to. You wanted to travel with him, join his family, be by his side. As you were around him, you got to know the real Dutch van der Linde. The one who had big dreams and wanted to share them with you. The Dutch who loved you. 

You don't know if that man exists anymore. 

It's not until a tear falls on your hand that you realize you're crying. You wipe your face clean and stand to your feet, deciding you can go for another ride and looking around for Scout. You don't want to shed any tears, especially for a man who no longer shares the same feelings for you as you do for him.

Not spotting Scout, you put your fingers in your mouth and whistle loudly. An answering whinny sounds just down the stream, so you start trudging down the rocks in that direction. 

"--the hell is a horse doin' down here?"

You hesitate on a rock, looking down the path and seeing a man sitting astride his own horse as he peers at Scout. He doesn't look threatening, and you don't spot a gun on him anywhere, so you continue moving and clear your throat, alerting him to your presence. 

"Oh, hello," he frowns as he greets you. Not the most welcoming thing, but you've certainly had worse. "Didn't see ya there."

"Hello," you keep one eye on him as you walk up to Scout and scratch his muzzle when he thrusts it in your direction, "sorry if he startled you."

He looks you over from head to toe, almost as if he's assessing if you're a threat like you did with him just a moment before. "Just surprised is all. Ain't many wild horses 'round here."

"He ain't wild, we were just takin' a ride is all."

"He's not wild?" He asks, sounding surprised even though he can clearly see how easily you're interacting with him. You take a better look at the man. He seems to be around his mid-forties, with long legs and a lanky frame. Though he looks like a twig you wouldn't doubt that he's got more strength in him than he's willing to show. You know better than to judge a book by its cover, especially considering some of the people you live with. 

"No, sir, he ain't. I was just headin' back home, but it was nice to meet you."

"You out here by yourself?"

You keep your back to him as you mount up on Scout once more, making sure to hide the way your eyes widen at his question. Why is he being so pushy?

"No, sir, my brother is just upstream. We're on our way to visit our father."

The man strokes a hand over his clean-shaven face in thought. It isn't until now that you start to feel a hint of unease bloom inside you. Get out, your mind says to you, get away from here.

"Well, these places ain't nice to a lady on her own, 'specially one who's as pretty as you are. Would you like me to ride with ya until you meet up with your brother?"

You shake your head as the fear you had pushed away earlier starts to come back. "I appreciate the offer, but it's unnecessary. Have a nice day."

With a gentle squeeze of your legs, Scout starts walking up the stream and away from the mysterious stranger. "Hope you get there soon!" He calls after you, his voice scaring all the critters that had been lingering in the bushes. "Rain's comin'. Stay dry!"

You say nothing and make Scout move a little faster, just wanting to get out of there. Thankfully you don't notice anyone following you, even five minutes after you left the area, so the man didn't follow you. A sigh of relief escapes you and you start pushing Scout back in the general direction of the camp. 

The man was right about the weather. Not twenty minutes into your ride back to camp and the rain starts. It's a small trickle at first, nothing too bad, but then five minutes later and it's as though the gates of heaven themselves have opened up and the earth is being flooded for the second time. You have to rely on Scout to really know where he's going, as the rain is so heavy that you can barely see more than five feet in front of you. Your clothes are soaked less than a few minutes later, and you're starting to seriously regret riding this far from camp. Or any shelter, really. 

Thirty minutes later and the rain has lessened, though it's still steady as it falls from the clouds. The cold no longer bothers you, but you're not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Scout is puffing and constantly shaking his mane, trying to clear off some of the rain running into his eyes, and you feel guilty that your horse is suffering because you needed to be alone. 

"I'll give you lots of treats when we get back," you pat his neck, "promise."

"Hey!"

You look up ahead and see that just off the main path there are a few men standing on the ground by their horses, looking directly at you. They're dressed in long black coats and hats that are shielding their faces from the rain. As you ride closer, you can see that they have pistols strapped around their waist. That uneasy feeling from before comes back again. 

"Can't talk," you call out as you get close, "weather is unkind, gentlemen."

Two of the four men step away from their horses and into the path, causing Scout to slow down automatically. You grip his mane tightly and sit up straighter as they force you to stop anyway. 

"Sorry 'bout holdin' you up, Miss," the one man says as he walks over to Scout's side to peer up at you. He's tall and well-built, and if you had to guess you would say he was either involved with the law in some way or a ranch hand. "But we just wanted to know if ya saw a man here recently. Tall, middle-aged. Has dark hair, nearly black, dresses real smart?"

You fall silent, the image in your head instantly forming into one of Dutch. You swallow and wipe some of the rain off your face before shaking your head. "No, sir. Haven't seen him."

The man nods, but judging by the way his lips thin you can tell he isn't happy with your answer. He waves the other man standing in the path over, and he goes to stand on Scout's other side. The man walks up and places a hand on Scout's muzzle, acting like he's petting your horse when in reality you know that that's not his intent. 

"Say, this ain't the kinda place for a woman to be out alone," the first man says, and you tighten your hold on Scout's mane. "What're the odds you're out here travelin' alone?"

"Small," you say through a thin-lipped smile. "My brother is waiting. The storm just caught up to us. Now if you'll excuse me--"

"Haven't seen any other man ride through here," he interrupts your excuse, "think it'd be best if you waited here with us for a while."

You narrow your eyes. "No. Step away from my horse, please."

The second man chuckles humorlessly. "Better listen to what he says, Sweetcheeks."

When you feel a hand start to creep up your leg that's pressed against Scout's side you inhale sharply, caught off guard by the brazen touch. You don't hesitate when you tighten your grip on your horse's mane and squeeze your thighs, urging him off and away from the men. You startle the two men with your sudden departure and you hear swearing before there are some whistles behind you.

Looking over your shoulder through the rain you're just able to make out the four men as they mount their horses and take off after you, shouts of glee echoing through the thunder. You force down the panic that threatens to rise inside you and face forward once more, lowering yourself and trying to help Scout ride as fast as possible. 

The rain makes it hard to see, but thankfully Scout has a good sense of where to go and where to avoid. He takes you through the woods and weaves around trees, making it harder for the pursuing men to follow your trail. You start to feel like you might actually make it out of here, that you might actually succeed in losing them. 

Until they start firing their guns. As good of a horse as Scout is, if there's one thing he hates it's guns. He spooks and startles so bad that he trips over his own hooves, nearly sending the two of you tumbling forwards. You can tell from their shots that the men aren't trying to hit you, but they are trying to scare you. 

Sadly, it's working. 

Just as Scout makes a breakthrough the woods into an open clearing, a bullet is fired too close for comfort and lodges itself into the bark of a tree just by Scout's head. Your poor horse rears and lets out a whinny of pure fear, and if you weren't bareback and if it hadn't rained then you would've been able to hold on. But Scout is too slippery and is shaking too much so you fall onto your back on the hard ground with a muffled thud, the impact knocking the breath out of your lungs and causing you to bite your tongue hard enough to draw blood. Scout takes off into the clearing and over a hill until he's out of sight, leaving you for the wolves. 

The men ride out of the woods and surround you just as you start to push yourself up, two of them immediately hopping down and circling you like vultures. The one from before who touched your leg kneels down beside you and shoves you back onto the ground by your shoulders, looking up and down your body with a disgusting glint in his eye. You reach up and slap his face, just like you did to Micah a few hours ago, and give him a good kick to his chest as well for good measure. He falls away from you with a grunt and his eyes turn angry, his lips pulling down in a sneer. 

You just can't seem to please any men. 

Not that you care to please them.

"Son of a bitch--"

"--just hold 'er down--"

"--make sure she ain't got any weapons--"

You let out a scream of frustration as multiple sets of hands grab hold of you then, one of them holding you down again by your shoulders, another skimming over your clothes to check for a gun or knife, another just touching and feeling and being all over intrusive. You try not to panic, you try to fight back, but when a fourth pair of hands grabs hold of your own and starts to wrap rope around them, effectively restricting you, you start to feel hopeless. 

"Let me go!" You cry out, your voice competing with the cracks of thunder that shake the sky above you. Rain is falling into your eyes and mixing with your tears as you grit your teeth. "I'll fuckin' kill all of you! Get away from me!"

"Let's take her to the cabin," one of the men says, and the other starts making noises of agreement. You're pulled up onto your feet and then thrown over the shoulder of one of them like a sack of potatoes, but you continue fighting. You bang your fists into his back, kick your legs, scream until your throat feels like it's going to start bleeding. 

And then one harsh strike to your head with the butt of a rifle takes the fight out of you. You try to stay awake as your vision swims, your ears ring, and your stomach churns, the man's shoulder suddenly pressing into the wrong spot of your stomach. Something warm runs down the side of your face, a stark contrast to the cool rain that's already running in rivulets there. 

And then suddenly the man holding you is dropping to the ground like a stone, his hold completely gone. You roll off his shoulder and onto the ground, your face pressed into the cold and muddy ground. The ringing slowly fades away and you can make out shouting, but not shouts of triumph. No, it's a mixture of panic and fury.

You open your eyes and see what looks like more men riding towards you on horses, though you're not sure if they're here to join the men you're currently with or not. 

More gunshots ring out and you watch as another one of the men standing near you falls to the ground, dead. The other two fumble for their weapons and start firing back, not expecting the attack and underprepared for it. It doesn't take long before they're also on the ground, blood spilling from their own wounds. 

Three horses come to a stop near you and the men quickly dismount. Two sets of hurried footsteps move in your direction, and then someone's knees are hitting the ground as they fall beside you. A new set of hands reaches out and lifts you out of the mud and props you up in their arms, far more gentler than the other men did. 

You blink away the rain and mud and whatever other substances might be in your eyes and focus on whoever it is that's holding you, feeling surprised when you see it's Dutch.

"Dutch?" You ask, almost unable to believe he's really here.

He's soaked to the bone and even though your vision is still a little murky from the knock to the head, the anguish is as clear as day. 

He says your name like a whisper of a prayer--like he's unable to believe that you're right there. Someone else kneels down on your other side and takes your hands, quickly flicking their knife through the rope and cutting you free. Arthur is watching you with concern in his eyes as he tucks his knife back into his pocket and stands to his feet once more. 

"Talk to me," Dutch says hoarsely, "are you hurt? How do you feel? Did they touch--" he closes his eyes tightly and grinds his teeth together.

"We're lucky that man back there told us 'bout which direction you was headin' in," Arthur says gruffly, locking eyes with Dutch. 

Man? What man? And then it hits you. The man from the stream. 

The man who also fit the description of who these men were looking for. Most likely their actual target, instead of Dutch. 

And he just saved you by telling Dutch and Arthur where you were headed. 

"C-cold," you finally croak, feeling the rain leech into your skin and take any and all warmth from you. Dutch's hands tighten on you and he looks up at Arthur, nodding firmly. Dutch stands to his feet and brings you with him, keeping his arms firmly around you as he whistles for his horse. The familiar beast ambles over and Dutch carefully lifts you onto the saddle there before mounting behind you. He takes his coat and bundles you in it until you're tucked in, though it won't do much since it's also soaked with the rain. He wraps one arm firmly around your waist and brings you into his chest before taking hold of the reins and flicking them, urging the two of you off and back towards camp. 

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You're shaking by the time you get back, unable to stop the chills that are racing up and down your body. Dutch keeps you clutched tightly in his hold, your head in his neck, and his chin resting on top of your head. When you finally see Bill standing on guard at camp you feel as though you could cry tears of relief. 

"Miss Grimshaw!" He calls, his voice cracking at the urgency of his tone, "I need hot water and dry blankets!"

Susan pokes her head out of her own tent, annoyed that she's being asked to do something when it's raining but then that quickly fades when she takes in your state. She nods once and gets to work without a word. 

Dutch rides his horse over to your tent instead of stopping where the others are. He dismounts first and then before you have a chance to get down yourself he's bundling you up in his arms and carrying you into your tent, one arm beneath your shoulders and the other under your knees. You lean against his chest, tired and cold, and happily accepting any form of heat that you can get. 

He places you on your bed and starts hastily pulling your clothes off, and if you weren't still reeling from what just happened and if you weren't still upset about what he did earlier today then maybe you would have laughed. Maybe you would have told him to calm himself and slow down. 

"Dutch," you murmur as he gets to your blouse and starts unbuttoning it. He ignores you and keeps moving, determined to get your clothes off. "Dutch."

"You'll freeze," he hisses, his eyes almost black as he looks at you for the first time since he found you on the ground. You swallow and let out a deep breath. "You can't...you can't be wearing these. You need warm clothes, honey."

The name makes you melt just a little bit, but you still reach up and take hold of his hands, forcing him to stop. He frowns as he looks to you for an explanation. 

You swallow and look down at your muddied skirt. "I can do it myself."

"What?" He asks quietly, hands tightening their hold on your own. "Why would you--"

"I haven't forgotten this morning," you clench your eyes shut and try not to get too angry as you think of the betrayal you felt just hours ago. "I appreciate you helping me, but I know now that you have more important things to do than be here with me."

There's a moment of silence as Dutch lets your confession hang in the air between the two of you. You're afraid to look him in the eye, afraid of what you'll find there. He hasn't had time to think through things as you have, he probably feels no different now than he did this morning. 

"Y/N," he shocks you by leaning forward and pressing his forehead against your own. You jolt and look at him in surprise, finally meeting his gaze. He looks troubled, weighed down, tired. All of you in the camp are feeling those things, but Dutch? He feels all of them but in a more profound way. In a way that others will never understand because they're not expected to lead this group. In a way that you understand because you've seen him go through it, experience it, live it. 

And sometimes he forgets that you know this part of him. 

"I saw what those men were doing, how they touched you," he spits the words, his face screwing up in anger. "And I'm sorry I didn't stop them sooner. I should've been there."

"Dutch," you frown, not stopping him as he continues to unbutton your shirt and tug it off your shoulders. It's been a while since the two of you have been intimate with each other, and so him doing this, him touching you and taking care of you brings up feelings that you thought were gone. 

"I can't lose you too," he finally admits, his voice breaking and his hands stilling as he clenches his eyes shut. "I can't. I can't. You ran from here, straight into the path of those sick bastards, all because of me. If they had...if they had taken you from me, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Not after Annabelle. Not after Hosea. Not you."

You cup his face with your ice-cold hands, unable to stop yourself from tilting his chin up and pressing a kiss to his lips. He's warmer than you, and he flinches as your cold skin touches his own, but he doesn't pull away. He doesn't shrug you off and push you to the side as he did earlier. 

"I have the water," Miss Grimshaw calls from outside of your tent. You can tell that Dutch is loathed to move but he stands up and slips out quickly before bringing the large basin inside, the steam still rising from the water as it sloshes around. You look him over from head to toe, noticing how the rain has made his clothing stick to his body like a second skin, accentuating his muscles and strength. 

"Come here, Sweetheart," Dutch says softly as he takes your hands and helps you to your feet. He helps you step out of the rest of your clothes, his eyes lingering only briefly on your body before gently lowering you into the water. You can't help but groan as the warm water instantly soothes your aching muscles and burns away the worst of the cold that was clinging to your skin. You expect him to sit on a chair and let you soak, but he surprises you by sitting on the ground and grabbing a cloth, wiping your face clean. 

He dabs around the wound on your temple, frowning as he soaks up the blood that had run down your face and makes you clean once more. You watch him closely, afraid that if you look away then this side of your old Dutch will fade away with the storm. 

"What?" He finally asks after a few minutes of silence. 

"Are we goin' to be okay?"

He hesitates when you ask that, his brown eyes locking with your own. "Of course we'll be okay. This plan--"

"No." Your voice is firm. "Are we going to be okay, Dutch? I can't...the thing that happened with Micah today. I can't take you choosing him over me."

Dutch frowns. "I didn't choose him over you."

You nod once. "You did, Dutch. And you're too blind to this plan of yours that you don't even see it."

His brows furrow, showing a hint of annoyance. "Now, Y/N--"

"No, Dutch. I'm trying to live my life, happily, and with people I love. I love the members of this family you've let me into, all of them are great. Except for Micah. He's shit and he's creating a rift between all of us that is soon goin' to be too big to fix." Tears begin to build in your eyes. "And you 'nd I aren't on the same side, Dutch. So when it finally splits, what's goin' to happen to us? Is there even goin' to be an us?"

"Hey," Dutch reaches out and gently holds your chin with his thumb and forefinger, forcing you to look at him, "nothing is going to happen to us. I'm making a better life for us--"

"Do it another way."

He shakes his head, caught off guard. "What?"

You grit your teeth. "Do. It. Another. Way."

"What does that even mean, Y/N?"

"I want this better life, Dutch. This dream you've told me about from the beginning. I want that, I want that for us. But it ain't gonna happen with this plan, especially if you're makin' it with Micah and I ain't allowed to know what it is."

"Micah has good ideas--"

"I don't care!" Your frustration finally breaks through, and you decide now is as good a time as any to let it all out. "I don't care if he has the best plan in the world. Micah Bell is ruining our family, Dutch. He's killing all of us, turning you against us and makin' you think we're out to get you when we love you!" Your lower lip wobbles and you bury your face in your hands for a moment, getting your composure back. "So you need to make a choice, Dutch. You either do it another way, or I'm gone."

He falls back on his haunches, eyes wide as he stares at you with an open mouth. "Y/N--"

You tear your eyes away from him, unable to look at him while simultaneously feeling your heart break. You take the rag that now lies forgotten and continue to clean yourself, trying your best not to wince when you brush over a particularly tender spot that smarts with pain. 

A large hand slowly and gently encompasses your own, halting your movements. You look up with stinging eyes, afraid of what you'll find. Dutch's hair is unkempt, his face paler than usual and bags under his eyes. He's exhausted. You're exhausted. Both mentally and physically. He looks the same. 

"I mean what I said, Y/N," he murmurs quietly, "I can't lose you." He squeezes his hand over your own, an intensity crawling into his chocolate brown eyes as he refuses to leave your gaze. "I didn't know that you were feeling like this."

"It's not just me, Dutch," you try not to let your voice wobble, but it still sounds shaky anyway, "it's our family. We don't like what's happening here. We don't feel safe. We just want a home."

"Home," he murmurs, and you know it's more to himself than to you. 

"Micah is not a part of my home." You solidify your voice, making sure to stress to him how serious you are about that statement. "I want the others, Dutch. I want Abigail and Susan and Tilly and John and Arthur. I don't want Micah. I don't want him with us and our family." You take his hand and lift it so you can press a delicate kiss to his knuckles. "Our family, Dutch. Blood or otherwise. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Dutch watches you with a lost expression, so to help you take his hand and dip it in the water, guiding it until it's resting lightly on your belly. His fingers tickle your skin but his touch is soft and gentle. His eyes widen as he finally understands the message you're trying to tell him. 

"I want a home. I want our family." You take a deep breath, tears once more brimming in your eyes. "And I don't want Micah there for it."

Dutch's face falls blank, and then he's pushing off his knees and standing to his feet. You think it's a rejection, him getting ready to leave you, your demands too high, and you want to cry. Tears slip down the side of your face and fall in the water to mix with the dirt and blood that's swirling around. 

But Dutch surprises you when he gently grasps your hands and pulls you up to your feet, helping to gingerly guide you out of the tub, taking care so you don't slip and fall. He takes one of the towels that are sitting over by the entrance of the tent and wraps it around you, guiding you over to your cot and urging you to sit down. You do so, keeping it held tightly around your shoulders as he then pulls out a pair of his long johns and a soft union shirt. He helps to dry you off before leading your limbs through the holes in the clothing, putting dry and clean clothes on you. 

"Dutch--" you ask in confusion, but he merely blows out the candle that's burning on the table and strips out of his own wet clothes, dressing himself once again in quick fashion before guiding you to lay down on the bed. He crawls in beside you, using his large hands to grasp your waist and tug you into his chest, one of them skimming up your back and cradling the base of your skull, asking you to rest your head in the crook of his neck. You do so without hesitation. 

"I'll always pick you," he presses a kiss to your forehead, and in the darkness of the tent you start to cry once again, a wave of relief as big as a tsunami washing over you at the realization that he's not picking Micah over you this time. "I'll make a new plan, Sweetheart, for us. For our future."

You grab handfuls of his shirt and tilt your head up, peppering kisses along his jaw and over to his lips where you give him a longer and more meaningful kiss. "Do you promise?"

He nuzzles his face into your hair, letting out a sigh. "Anything for our family." He snakes one hand to your waist and softly brushes his thumb over your belly. "Both of them."