#this the part of the post where I get Vaguely serious? idk :V

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for venting?

(Couldn’t think of a better title I’m sorry/TW for talk of suicide)

Alright so a bit of backstory. I (15M) have a younger sibling who I’ll call L (13NB). L has a friend group that I kinda got sucked into consisting of V (13NB) and N (13M) (& another few people who weren’t as involved and I haven’t talked to much/at all). So the group was recently in quite a lot of drama that I for the most part won’t get into because it isn’t relevant & I want to maintain as much anonymity as possible but 4 important details are:

1.There is a group chat that the 4 of us are one (that I ended up muting for my own sanity)

The drama was mostly between V and N

L mostly took N’s side and I was mostly on V’s

I thought the drama was (for the most part) the stupidest thing ever (specifically in terms of the topic vs the reaction)

Now here’s the part where I might be TA. I was getting sick of the constant fighting and it got to a point where I was being dragged into it more. Partially for a small thing that I understand I shouldn’t have done but mainly for something that both then and now while I 100% do not regret. Now I’ve typed this sentence a million times trying to find a way to say what I did vaguely but all of it just kinda makes me seem like an AH for the thing I’m not even asking about so I’ll just say what they were mad at me for. Earlier in the drama N sent a post to the group chat basically saying “Fuck you. This situation is so stressful for me and I’m going to kill myself or at least try” which caused me (who has a history of seriously suicidal friends & suicidality myself) to have a panic attack and text & call his mom (who from what I’d seen & heard was pretty understanding of that sort of thing) at 10PM about it (keep in mind I had a similar thing happen to me a couple years ago except I was the one who’s mom was being called in the middle of the night mid panic attack). I didn’t want anyone to know who told her because I didn’t want to make the drama worse but a few days later I let slip to L that I was the one who told and they told N from there. (sorry that wasn’t really relevant but I couldn’t think of a shorter way to say it.) Anyway, back to what actually happened. I got fed up with them and vented at first to a few tumblr mutuals (no names or accounts were mentioned and it was all to people who didn’t know them) and then when it got worse I made a post about it, first making sure to block N (L doesn’t use tumblr and in retrospect I should’ve blocked V too but I didn’t think it was necessary because IDK they were the ones being yelled at/made fun of/whatever by L and N) and again, didn’t mention any names or urls, just stuff that was said in the group chat. Anyway V ended up showing L and N the posts and they got pretty mad (which TBF I understand) and long story short after yelling in the group chat I wasn’t paying much attention to both of them at different times ended up talking to me on PMs and they both apologized to me/I apologized to them and whatnot and this post is ABSOLUTELY NOT about calling anyone TA for anything except what I’m specifically asking. What I’m asking is AITA for talking to those people and making those posts? I wasn’t doing it to spread rumors or to vaguepost (if I was I wouldn’t have taken the care to make sure they didn’t see it and no one knew who they were) I was doing it because I was pissed and seriously felt like I was going insane, but also I do understand why they’re mad. So AITA?

PS: if you think you might be one of the people involved here I just want to make it clear I’m not doing this to start or continue anything. I’m just doing this because I’m curious about whether I’m in the wrong objectively for this specific thing. When I said I hated drama and it takes a serious toll on me I meant it, I really just want this situation over and would rather it not start up again because of a post (which is why I’m sending this on AITA and not making a normal blog post). Also sorry everybody for the bad formatting 😅

What are these acronyms?

[fandom-hoarder]

Considering OP is yelling at ppl to leave them alone when questioned on specifics because a post that says “the grooming in spn fandom is insane” (specifically Wincest) was “not a callout” and only “a legitimate safety concern” about “a space is known for well you know”, they are not worth the time. They also reacted very rudely to an anon who only wanted to apologize for following them (thinking that OP was anti Wincest and trying to respect OP’s boundaries). Just not worth it.

[I held onto this in my drafts for a day, but I think I'm just gonna publish it after all. Even though v did a much better job of addressing the op directly, imo, I'm not interacting with the op. I'm also going to gather screenshots in a posterity post, but it will likely be unrebloggable.]

Hmm, I debated publishing this ask, because I'm really just. So tired. And annoyed. And it's not a great combination for tact. Nevertheless...

I haven't seen the yelling myself, just avoidance and redirection. Flippancy. But maybe it's happening in a space I can't see, or between people I've blocked, idk. If so, it sounds a lot like it IS January 2023 redux 🙃🙃🙃 -- I HAVE seen it now, and my suspicion still stands, though still not 100%.

People need to stop making such serious accusations when they refuse to back it up. Words fucking mean things. Saying a certain sector of the fandom--that ostensibly you're also a part of?--has a problem with grooming and is stupid...that was NOT worded in a way to help people stay safe. It was worded like a vague callout post to scare people. We've seen those before. 🙄

A post that was actually concerned about grooming in online spaces *in general* would list some things to be aware of, things to recognize, tips for getting out of a situation. But no, it's this vaguepost without anything specific, with the one question in the notes asking for an explanation or if it's sarcasm-- unanswered [eta: well maybe they responded and I can't see it, since I realized I had op blocked]-- and one reblog from a person who claims it wasn't about wincesties specifically, when it demonstrably WAS??

So who is doing it, and where/how? I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to make public posts with names that devolve into personal beef and worse, but if someone is making the accusation that there's a grooming problem in the fandom they need to come with receipts or at the very least descriptions of the situation??

This isn't cutesy. You know exactly what anon is talking about, as shown later. Reblogging the post unaltered gives at least the appearance of agreeing with it as written.

This isn't to make light of! You reblogged it.

This isn't helpful.

If there was no one specific, why reblog a post specifically about the wincest fandom having insaneeee grooming? It wasn't "just in general." It's not a joke, yet this reply looks entirely unserious.

I am too old to keep seeing this type of shit go through the fandom at regular intervals, especially when it's so often a false accusation based on interpersonal drama. The only purpose this serves is riling up the dash. It's exhausting, and waters down the gravity of the accusation by making it a phrase that cries wolf.

I'm not even saying outright that the post is a LIE; just that it has seriously similar markers of past drama that was approximately 90% unaddressed purity culture biases about fiction, 9% interpersonal beef, and 1% actual concern for a human being who was an adult, but young. And it led to the utter gutting of fandom, loss of acquaintances, deletion of a glut of fic-- all due to smearing the reputation of a writer by using horrible UNTRUE AND INCENDIARY ACCUSATIONS.

So I'm sure many of you already understand why I take umbrage with these types of posts! Who knows if it's about fiction or something real? 🤷‍♀️

And since there's no further context to be found, the way it LOOKS on the dash is that someone is taking creeper!Dean too seriously. It could be about something else, but who knows.

[tenshindon]

dragon ball games selectively exist in my mind cause sometimes they’re just like ‘hey look ;) it’s launch ;) and tien ;)’ and it’s like What Do You Want Me To Do He Literally Doesn’t Like Her Like That Why Do You Keep Trying To Push This Idea

Could never get behind perceiving tien as straight like how’d you come to that conclusion michelle I’m genuinely curious

[laraplisetski]

Last Boss/ Takatora Samura NSFW Alphabet

Request by @seiktom​-

First of all I really love the way you write Last boss❤️, it's cute, and can I request the nsfw alphabet for him? If you are comfortable writing that of course.

The alphabet is by-

Link: https://spotofimagines.tumblr.com/post/615133765398888448/fluff-alphabet

Here is my Last Boss/ Takatora Samura Fluff Alphabet- [1], [2]. 

A/n: Umm I generally did the ones I was most comfortable with and I kept them really vague so I hope you don't mind. Also thankyou! I was really unsure about how I portrayed his personality because we dont get much insight for him in the show other than he doesn't care for the world and thinks that its meaningless.

Tags: @nekohwa, @koreaweeb, @mn202zzz, @cheshirekitten87, @milky-neptune, @faith0518, @waifuhqlic, @asmileisalwaysbetter, @fantasticwizardnerd, @imthatchishiyasimp, @kekozume​

I couldn't find a good picture of him so here's the actor!

NSFW warning and some graphic descriptions?? idk.

Nsfw-

A = Aftercare (what are they like after sex?)  and Z = ZZZ (how quickly do they fall asleep afterward?)

Okay so Tora thinks you deserve the best in the world cause your basically an angel in his eyes. He would definitely pick you up and like take a long bath with you, dry your hair and you into some fluffy clothes or one of his hoodies and then he would like change the sheets straighten them out and if your hungry he has a bunch of snacks in his bedside table and he’ll let you eat those and then hell just wrap his arms around you and sleep. 

B = Body part (what is their favorite body part of their partner?) 

Okay so Tora thinks all of you is perfect definitely an ass man. Also he loves tracing your collarbone and jawline and like he loves leaving hickeys on your neck and anywhere he can ¬‿¬

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Before coming to borderland he didn’t even get out of his room so he doesn't quite knows what hes doing. You’ll have to guide him for some time but he’ll learn very quickly.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment or humorous?) and I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? are they romantic?)  and P = Pace (are they fast and rough or slow and sensual?) 

So Tora’s definitely very serious and intense. I dont feel like he would go slow or be very romantic either cause I feel like sex is supposed to be just for pleasure for him. Also hes fast as fuck. I mean hes not rough and hes not into choking or whatever I feel like he would be into knife play but he doesn't do it cause he doesn't want to hurt his s/o

L = Location (where are their favorite places to do the do?) 

He would like be down to do it anywhere. Like wherever his s/o’s comfortable but I feel like he would really be into car sex- Imma stop here.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) and Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) 

Oh he has a ton load of stamina like where does it even come from. And he doesn't get tired easily thats why he can take care you so much after just doing it.

V = Volume (how loud are they? what sounds do they make?) 

He grunts like- I dont know he seems like he grunts and when ever he's about to come he lets out a few moans but he wouldnt admit to it cause he’s not supposed to be ✨soft✨

[calm-me-down-oh]

1, 5, 7, 12, 15, 16, 27, 31, 36, 37, 46, 48

under readmore bc its long!!

1. Would you rather be blindfolded or blindfold me?

mm either is good but when i was w my ex i asked them to try blindfolding me. we never got around to trying it tho

5.  Which part of your body do you consider the most sexy?

um.. idk hgbfdh sometimes i can get my thighs to look ok in a kinda sexy way ig

7.  Who do you fantasize about when you’re alone?

@you-better-make-me

12. When was the first time you masturbated? 

um, like, ever, or like in a way that actually felt good? bc i went thru a bunch of stuff when i was younger that led to ppl telling me to masturbate and it never felt good bc i had NO idea what i was doing and they certainly were more focused on their pleasure. but when i actually figured out how to get it to feel good i was like. 16?? in the bath. and i discovered my clit sfhskdjf

15.  Do you sleep in pajamas, underwear, or nothing at all? 

pyjamas! tho if its summer then sometimes jus boxers

16.  If you had a sexual “to-do” list, what would be on top of the list? 

can i just say @you-better-make-me skdfsdkj okk being serious tho it sounds dumb n simple maybe but i really wanna try penetrative sex bc i haven’t done it yet and its something i just LOVE the idea of even if its also a lil scary

27. Something that never fails to make you horny: 

hickies / my neck being bitten, im a simple man

31. Whats the fastest way to make you horny? 

see above

36. Three spots that drive me insane: 

like? that its easy to make me horny messing w?? my neck, my nips, and idk my clit or if thats not allowed then my hips

37. Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? 

absolutely 100% if we’re in a situation where we dont have to worry abt being quiet do not hold back its super hot and also lets me know im doing the right thing shfdsjk

46. Spanking: turn on or turn off? 

unpopular onion mayb but more of a turn off tbh idk i get weird abt my ass being touched sometimes especially like that and theres no appeal to doing it to someone else either really

48. Biggest sexual fantasy?

oof im.. very tired so this isnt gonna be super in depth but i guess lately its been a lot of, being collared, a lot of taking ur time, mayb some cockwarming like jus,,, sit there and cuddle and make out and mayb some teasing till we finally give in and jus fuck and yknow,, mayb repeat that process,, sksdjs sorry this is super vague im v tired and not all that horny rn so its hard to think abt but also like if u wanna know what i wanna do theres a whole bunch of posts on this blog most of them are that. yeah

[amoebo-id]

a o t d !!!

no more than 1 release per artist to keep it interesting. selection and ranking is arbitrary and would prob be wildly different if i did this tomorrow. also i only went down to #42 cause everything after that didn’t feel like real aotd status - at least as far as the specific relationships i built over the past 10 yrs with the music i was listening to

#1 laurel halo quarantine

nobody did machine-body dialectic like laurel halo in 2012. i loved everything else from her this decade too but every time i listened to Carcass it made me leave my body physically. absolutely unreal album art too

https://laurelhalo.bandcamp.com/track/carcass-2

#2 e+e the light that you gave me to see you

2012 was a good year. pop/ambient/noise/radio-dj-tag sound collage ascended to spiritual intensity. makes you feel like a child experiencing awe. also fire-gut used to have probably my favorite music video ever but i think it’s gone now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p-SSuwW9cw

#3 ilovemakonnen 5

not to be confused with Drink More Water 5, this one’s from 2010 during his mostly-forgotten diy outsider-pop phase. off-key singing and amateur beats and the sheer absolute joy of making cool songs. all 5 are perfect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORKpg_-z0Mk

#4 macintosh plus floral shoppe

would’ve made top 10 on album art alone. music, aesthetics, and cultural impact are inseparable here but going back to the album reminded me just how engaging its 2010s-updated chopped-and-screwed sound is, musically not just conceptually

https://vektroid.bandcamp.com/track/420

#5 jason lescalleet this is what i do 17

hard to pick a favorite from jason lescalleet’s semi-monthly document of his electroacoustic / field recording / tape loop practice but i’ve cried to multiple tracks on tiwid 17 so it gets the nod. couldn’t find any of them online so here’s something else of his

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t33x8OOm68E

#6 barrio sur बड़ा शोक (heart break)

dedekind cut guy’s weird one-off side project ended up being my favorite thing to come out of the last few years’ obsession w cowboy/western/country music/aesthetics. pure mystery

https://soundcloud.com/user-366783613/redemption-7inch

#7 cities aviv come to life

i think maybe people thought cities aviv was just another no-flow pseudo-”conscious rap” type rapper in 2014 but actually this album is nuts. hyper-energetic vaporwave rap? what if death grips were happy? idk

https://citiesaviv.bandcamp.com/track/url-irl-2

#8 beach boys the smile sessions

this cool fresh 1960s rock myth arrived fully formed and way more fun than the other ones. brian wilson’s concepts and songwriting got so unwieldy we had to wait 50 years to hear the sessions. i don’t care about conversations about his genius or whatever these songs kick ass

https://oldmasterpainter.bandcamp.com/track/surfs-up

#9 mindspring memories & intl. debris international memories

did this really only come out in 2017? i feel like i’ve been listening to it since i was born. tangential lateral kind of wormhole out of vaporwave into two meditative spiritual infinite-feeling loops that perfectly complement each other

https://noproblematapes.bandcamp.com/track/sad-horizons

#10 nyege nyege tapes sounds of sisso

absolutely obnoxiously insanely high energy high pitch high bpm dance music. i can’t believe this isn’t what people mean when they say future bass. set me down the path of historical and contemporary non-”global north” ideas about dance/rhythm/bass which i’m still on

https://nyegenyegetapes.bandcamp.com/track/mshamba-video-mster

#11 blithe field face always toward the sun

the most gorgeous implementation of the sorta-ambient guitar-looping vignette aesthetic. is this a real trope or did i listen to this album so much i convinced myself it was a thing? for me this is the sound of what its like to feel completely content with life and at ease in the moment

https://blithefield.bandcamp.com/track/zen-den

#12 anohni hopelessness

listening to this album and singing along while driving my car made me feel absolutely disgusting. unbelievable hooks, grossly hi fi sound design, and overblown drama add up to imo a scary effective type of explicitly political or ‘protest’ music

https://anohni.bandcamp.com/track/drone-bomb-me

#13 21 savage, offset, & metro boomin without warning

why is these 3 pop stars’ vaguely halloween-themed one-off collab my favorite trap album? 21 savage, offset, and metro boomin were all wildly corny in different ways but everything was perfectly balanced. i hope metro boomin makes like one seriously ambient album next decade

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWv-bR_X-VM&list=PLC1uUM4twa8i6zsD_Sn1LRUq4vhl_PLCx&index=11&t=0s

#14 laura les big summer jams 2018

‘crying in the club’ type bangers with no fear of ugliness and no fear of beauty and no fear of wildly unfashionable tropes like skrillex-y dubstep and guitar solos. so much input from other trans/queer artists it felt like a big t4t party

https://osno1.bandcamp.com/track/the-river-feat-scum-yung-skrrt-and-99jakes

#15 triad god nxb

the other triad god tape from 7 years later is just as good. what was this man doing in the intervening time? i just imagine him riding london public transit while it rains or something. i love knowing that most of his cantonese spoken-word/rap parts are insults and jokes rather than like, melancholy observations

https://soundcloud.com/hipposintanks/triad-god-remand

#16 dj koze knock knock

what if pop music sounded like this? somehow every song on here is wildly danceable, wildly sing-alongable, and also wildly detail-oriented. feels like a transmission from an alternate present where things are okay

https://djkoze.bandcamp.com/track/club-der-ewigkeiten

#17  ocora world of traditional music

box set of “world music” recordings from the label that french electronic composer pierre schaeffer started in the 1950s as a project to teach people in rural west africa how to dj. ethnography can be a fucked up idea but afaik ocora is one of the good ones and if you can sorta try to disengage from the tropes/cliches that get imposed on it, the music is phenomenal. hard to find a track specific to this box set but here’s another from the label

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJm8rn6gW5I

#18 oneohtrix point never replica

opn feels like an artist i’ve ‘grown out of’ i guess but samples never felt more alive or more dead than they did on replica. set a template for the kind of melancholy ‘soundscape’-y vibe that i spent years trying to find more of after

https://oneohtrixpointnever1.bandcamp.com/track/power-of-persuasion

#19 rihanna anti

the most perfect imaginable pop album. i keep trying to move it higher up. i almost put club chai vol 1 on this list purely cause of the Woo remix but then i remembered the original is better

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dDCUKElEwk

#20 colleen a flame my love a frequency

colleen’s ultra deadpan singing and wriggly rhythmic synth put me in a trance. everything sounded dry as hell even though it was covered in reverb. i think maybe some people were put off by the corny song names and lyrics

https://colleencolleen.bandcamp.com/track/separating

#21 dj paypal drake edits

back when drake seemed like a sorta-shitty dude rather than seriously creepy, dj paypal used the power of footwork to expose both the melancholy-ambient modality and the serious-bass-music modality latent in his voice and beats

https://mallmusicinc.com/track/brand-new

#22 huerco s. for those of you who have never (and also those who have)

not really as ambient as it first seems imo, but rather like a really intense focus on what we mean when we describe things as ‘static’ or ‘dynamic’. i know it’s corny but i wanna say these tracks are fully both and fully neither

https://brianleeds.bandcamp.com/track/promises-of-fertility

#23 girls rituals reddishness

for a track so deliberately shitty-sounding I Know had no right to be so fucking danceable. persona and production synthesized into the only ‘singer-songwriter’ music i could really get into

https://temporaryenjoyment.bandcamp.com/track/i-know

#24 chromatics kill for love

fakeass 80s retro melancholia digitized and pushed so far past pastiche it turned into pure slime. the phone call in There’s A Light Out On The Horizon came straight from the void

https://soundcloud.com/johnnyjewel/chromatics-kill-for-love-album

#25 actress ghettoville

the only genuinely post-apocalyptic music. specifically the postapocalypse in wall-e but if there was no wall-e to clean it up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcCPdfUFq6k

#26 playboi carti die lit

every beat on this album was reducible to a 4-second loop that perpetually demanded its own repetition and playboi carti somehow knew exactly what to do with them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2pjiKmhlAI

#27 charli xcx vroom vroom

the charli xcx that came after this was fun, but there was black hole levels of power compacted into when she said vroom vroom on Vroom Vroom

https://soundcloud.com/vroomvroomrecordings/charli-xcx-vroom-vroom

#28 pacific breeze: japanese city pop, aor & boogie 1976-1986

it’s kind of amazing to think that this compilation only exists because vaporwave aesthetics made ‘japanese grocery-store kitsch from the 80s’ a marketable thing in the us. anyway every single one of these is an absolute bop

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl91bvEKj20

#29 young thug barter 6

i can’t get enough of listening to young thug’s voice. i’ve seen his rhythmic-melodic-textural sensibility described as virtuosic and i don’t know really if that term means anything but it feels right to me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg9ZxQKSDuw

#30 magic eye babylon

smeared dreamy lo-fi guitar music w wistful buried melodies pushed to an extreme. every song sounded the same and i wish there was more than the one cassette

https://magiceye.bandcamp.com/track/flame

#31 tirzah devotion

you could say this was ‘stripped down’ r&b but i think more accurately what separated it was that every sound stood exactly and only for itself

https://tirzah.bandcamp.com/track/basic-need

#32 mount eerie clear moon

it’s amazing how well mount eerie navigated the move from a lo-fi sound/mode/affect to a hi-fi sound/mode/affect. clear moon wasn’t his first attempt but it was the one that most embodied the feeling of the new possilibities that had been opened up

https://pwelverumandsun.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-trees-pt-2

#33 kelela aquaphoria

this mix was such a good idea it immediately seemed shocking nobody else had tried afaik. and kelela executed it so well you forgot the tracks already existed in other contexts

https://soundcloud.com/kelelam/aquaphoria

#34 james ferraro skid row

not sure what it means that the only james ferraro i really love is also the one i think of as the least abstract/conceptual. his recited lyrics had a rare spoken-word-poetic power

https://breakworldrecords.bandcamp.com/track/to-live-and-die-in-la

#35 salyu x salyu s(o)un(d)beams

absolutely unbounded sense of joy and creativity and possibility hovering between bangers-lite and ‘soundscape’-y electronic manipulation

https://soundcloud.com/snouu/salyu-x-salyu-s-o-un-d-beams

#36 dj rashad just a taste vol 1

double cup got all the press but it was so smoothed-over it could never have done something as absurdly beautiful as Ghost or even Go Crazy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZuHPAbte9U

#37 yves tumor serpent music

i’m sorta put off by the high-gloss sheen of music like this but serpent music somehow had the right combination of total cohesion and a ridiculous density of impactful moments

https://soundcloud.com/pan_hq/yves-tumor-the-feeling-when-you-walk-away-pan-73?in=pan_hq/sets/yves-tumor-serpent-music-pan

#38 maral mahur club

lo-fi beat collage elevated to something that could actually genuinely be called world music

https://astralplanerecordings.bandcamp.com/track/avesta-khani-reggaeton

#39 lucki ecks watch my back

did not expect this super low-stakes sadboy trap to end up on this list but i love his min-effort flow and somehow every beat is exactly the vibe even when the tracks aren’t volume balanced

https://soundcloud.com/boob7/leave-wit-you-prod-plu2o-nash-clams-casino?in=boob7/sets/watch-my-back

#40 arca stretch 2

not sure why i get more out of arca’s nonsense broken-beat non-rap than any of her later projects

https://unonyc.bandcamp.com/track/tapped-in

#41 klein only

a new way to do fucked up noise w pop leanings. ‘audacitycore’

https://klein1997.bandcamp.com/track/pretty-black-2

#42 city arcadia

another mysterious transmission, this time w lots of harp

https://soundcloud.com/halcyon-veil/city-arcadia

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[riboku]

How do you feel about Voltron's new season?

christ why would you ask this lmao it’s not like i post my opinions on here on a regular basis??? anyway this gives me a good opportunity to rant tho so

1. HAHA okay let’s just get the big fucking issue out right here but i was absolutely mad with how they marketed this season based on lgbt rep! this has been said before (and probably better lmao) by other people, but what they did was in extremely poor taste and is pretty low tbh. they hyped up and marketed that voltron would have lgbt rep in this season, and hyped up adam as a character, then were so incredibly vague about it and didn’t confirm anything on screen and killed adam off lmao.

anywAY this ended up fucking long and i threw in some positives i enjoyed from the season at the end of this post, but this is 95% a big fucking long rant about the issues i have with this season so it’s going under a read more!!

and like, before i get into this more i’ve also seen people mad about people getting mad which is ??? but the most common things i’m seeing people saying are ‘stop being mad your ship didn’t happen!!!,’ ‘it doesn’t matter what happened shiro is still gay so there is still rep,’ ‘this is NOT queerbaiting guys! -insert screenshot of dictionary definition-,’ and 'they’re at WAR guys people die during a war’

okay. one lmao how tf did this get to a point where people think it is a ship issue because it’s not. idgaf about shipping or who ends up with who, i will likely be indifferent regardless! do not give a shit! not about shipping! nobody is talking about shipping??? also this could have LITERALLY been avoided mostly by the insertion of a few words. they could have gone with something as simple as 'if you do this, the wedding’s off. i won’t be here when you get back’ bam. insta confirmation! no vagueness there! and then like, not unecessarily kill a gay character off for no reason lol. what happened here is an issue with largely how this was marketed vs how they delivered. they marketed the fact they’d have lgbt rep pretty extensively. and adam! they talked about how we were going to meet adam this season. hyped him and him and shiro’s former relationship up in their promo materials and posters. like, this doesn’t happen on its own lmao. this was a conscious marketing decision that they went with beforehand knowing that they were not going to confirm anything on screen and knowing that they were going to kill adam off. and like, if you need an analogy to get this??? let’s say some fast food place does a whole campaign on how their burgers are made of REAL beef. maybe they don’t specifically say 100% beef, maybe they do, w/e, but they hype the fact that their burgers are real beef and not fake stuff like crazy and their consumers hop on that. then you get there and it’s like. 35% beef. people are mad! is it still made of beef? well, yeah. but they have misrepresented themselves a bit here and probably should have never said anything in the first place. bad business move. and as far as hyping up adam??? that’s like coming up with a new product line and deciding to axe it. BUT ADVERTISING IT ANYWAY. lol. and then people are upset with the company when they go to buy it. literally does not make sense. like, regardless of what you expected to go down with these characters or how you feel about them or literally anything, this was a conscious decision on their part and they should have not marketed it like this.

as far as shiro still being confirmed gay, yes that is true and great! but it still wasn’t confirmed on screen and not the issue at hand here! the issue is still how they marketed lgbt rep for this season without really delivering and killed off a gay character without reason. if your issue is the use of the word queerbaiting then lmao okay, whatever, maybe it’s not the most 100% accurate use of the word idc but that is a semantics issue and is deflecting the issue at hand here. like if you wanted to sum up the issue with all this in one fucking word that would be pretty accurate and the closest thing to describe what happened! like come on guys i work in advertising but this??? is not that hard of a concept to understand. they utilized lgbt rep in their marketing for this season. if you’re marketing something, that content has to be targeted towards a certain audience. if you are marketing lgbt rep, your target audience is likely going to be - shocker - the lgbt community lmao. AND FINALLY if you’re going with the 'people die in war’ thing like. okay. yup. that happens. from a marketing perspective though, it’s still dumb to advertise a character and then kill them off. like, if you’re using a cHARACTER in your ads you uh. generally expect people to feel something for that character lmao otherwise there is no point, and seeing as how many fanfics and fanart and shit popped up of adam before the season even aired??? def a lot of attachment there. so literally if they had done this with any other character it would have been stupid? but doing this to a gay character is a whole other mess of worms and is in very poor taste! fucking stop killing off gay characters for no good reason, it’s a gross trope with a long history behind it! also unless something is plot related and done well, there is literally no point for killing off your characters lmao. doesn’t matter if it’s war, it’s just shock value at that point. that scene was a couple of seconds at most, and literally nothing about the season would have changed without it. moot point. this is not a case of character death that has moved the plot significantly or significantly affected the story or the character.

like, as a queer person i’m mad and very disappointed. do i still like the show and its characters? yeah. did i enjoy the season? yeah. will i still watch it? yeah. but this whole thing was still a fucking mess lol. that being said, some positives:

2. lmao ok that gameshow episode gave me serious ergo proxy flashbacks to when they did the whole 'i’m suddenly and inexplicably on a magical gameshow hosted by a weird entity with my life on the line??’ deal

3. hunk development???? good and it’s about time, star of the season tbh. i really hope they continue with the diplomat angle for him!

4. pleasantly surprised by ezor and zethrid, now let’s hope they’re not fucking dead lmao

5. atlas was uh. weird? weird.

6. granted i stayed up all night to watch this so my perception by the point i got there was uhhhh but the finale was odd and kinda fell flat, especially in comparison to how much of an impact last season’s had. that being said, the season overall was pretty enjoyable?

7. sorry but during the whole time they were drifting through space in their lions i just kept thinking 'where is kaltenecker tho’ and then at first i thought acxa had went with them so then i was wondering where tf she was too and my sleep deprived brain’s beautiful answer to that question was 'wait what if acxa is with kaltenecker???’ yeah.

8. matt’s new design looks gr8 but it looked pretty familiar and again, sleep deprived brain was like 'oh my god he looks like discount space judeau’ so hope you know that

9. V E R O N I C A also i really super enjoyed the earth team!!! like idk how i feel about james yet because they went pretty hard on painting him as a jackass as a child lmao so i’m positive but also on the fence about him, but i adored the others and i hope we see more of all of them!! ALSO ROMELLE loved her to death too. and the cosmic wolf. yes.

10. okay so as soon as shiro got his new arm my first thought was 'i bet him and sendak are going to have a floaty arm showdown’ and i was very glad to be right

[astroellipse]

lil late but wtv. turned into sort of a photo shoot post, just a big ol current outfits log

Looks like I’m speedrunning, now. the next update is in 6 days. I’m going to level AST and DRG, probably... I can go back for the others later.

A bedtime story from Norvrandt. “Warrior of Darkness, servant of death, take care of our souls at our dying breath... Let sinners and eaters of sin go with thee, That all may return to the sunless sea.” Servant of death, huh.

OH MY GOD. YOU. YOU CAN HEAL A PERSON IN A CUTSCENE????? I’m playing as AST right now cause the outfit is pretty and EVERY time someone gets hurt in a cutscene you’re doomed to just stand by, but... you can help Alphinaud in this one that’s adorable.

he is helping...  Also. In some lighting he just looks so strange. This is Doran trying his hardest not to combust both of the Chai’s in this instant. I think it’s his lips that’s the issue? Idk it just... flattens his face...

Oh while I remember... here are more pictures........

this one’s just cute, ignore the door interactable in the back :|

And here’s a view of the outfit in full. I need to find a weapon I actually like, this is just the level 70 scaevan weapon... I might add a ring, was thinking a little gold ring with a pear or other white stone would look nice. Might swap out the boots if I find anything better, and I’ll see how the 2B leggings look with this once I get them. the accents on the bridesmaid tights go with the rest of it pretty well, though I don’t care for being able to see the hem.

And while I’m here, I might as well do the others.

Dragoon! Now sort of my canon class.I’m really satisfied with it, i love the boots especially... the texture is good and you can’t see it well here with his feet digging into the ground but they have heels on them. There’s little metal bits poking out of his hair that I like quite a bit, and I think they work even better with this hair than the other.

This one’s a bit goofy but I remembered that you can do battle animations in gpose. I actually forgot that I picked up those boots for this outfit but I like them! I wanted to make the outfit a little more my own, having the hat body piece and shoes from one set was too much, especially with a color so close to the default.

Ah... i was gonna screenshot the outfit I had for SMN but I haven’t fixed its accessories yet. Not that it’s a permanent outfit or anything I just enjoy it. Makes Doran look like a creepy bastard a bit, like some kinda cult leader. And then there’s my GNB glam... I... almost like it. But the pants HAVE to be jet black. they’re purple right now, temporarily, but. I need them to be black. the problem is, even a single pot of jet black dye is 300-400k gil :( Speaking of... i should go check the markets.

hhghghggh I caved. 350k, 367k after the fee. All in all just about as low as it was gonna get without waiting for an idiot to lowball the price. I uh. Forgot to take a pic of the glam though and am now in a cutscene lol

Oh man that was bad. I did the first dungeon as DRG and fucked up so many times, like, not in a way that was detrimental to the group but. I kept pressing v instead of c which. Meant I, several times, interrupted my combo with an aoe attack which is VERY visible and also audible. Incredibly embarrassing.\

Oh god

This uh. Has story implications on a different level. This... is how I resolve the issue of who’s gonna take the reins between Doran and Secret. Secret I’m fairly certain answered with the third choice, haggard as she was. The first choice is the cleanest answer, Doran is willing to take on the responsibility. The second one is... uncomfortable for how serious this is, especially with Ardbert in the back there. But it could certainly say something about Doran’s attitude about all this, even if he’s just putting on a brave face. And the third would lead to him succumbing to the same feelings as Secret... the first choice it is, then.

Doran’s life has been forfeit for so, so long at this point. He was the first to be joined to Secret, hailing from the fifth, his shard bringing the first umbral calamity with the aspect of wind. He’s been joined to that base shard of Azem longer than anyone. Secret at least thought she might have had her own life, before realizing that her perceived amnesia was actually just an absence of memories for having her person be fabricated by Hydaelyn. But Doran... any memory of the lives he lead on the Fifth have been washed away at this point, for as long as it’s been. He didn’t rightly have a will or conscience outside of an incredibly vague awareness until Secret unconsciously willed him to once more. He will do this if it means lightening Secret’s burden.

This has been an incredibly roundabout solution for Secret’s problem. Why continue with what you’re doing? For yourself. Technically. i suppose once Doran catches up to Secret, they’ll go through a little switcheroo. maybe Secret and Doran could be aware of each other, and sapable of some small form of communication. Secret for one will not be pleased with Doran having to make any difficult decisions in the future and will doubtlessly come to regret letting this all happen. i really should uhhhh actually write some of these imagined scenes huh. Much easier to have funny little brain people though.

Aw mannnn I fixed my outfits but entering the Occular launched me into a cutcsene. Hey when do I get to see Emet-Selch again? I forget when he introduces himself but I know he’s around. Probably soon, with the WoL having beat their first light warden. Aw man I love G’raha’s voice acting it’s so good. I don’t even know how to describe it his va just gets his oddly casual but learned speech so good.

Oh here we go. Picture time.

alright this one’s goofy. but you can see the outfit well enough. actually here’s another. ACTUALLY now coming back to this part. I really like this picture above it is very cute..........

Hmmm... not sure if I ever took a pic of his old outfit that was mostly just this. All the pieces were dyed lavender, and the corsage was instead some pastel lillies. That color scheme didn’t look as nice with this hair, though. There was suddenly too much of that dark purple, which had previously been balanced by the shoes. Dark then became the primary color, and orange a main accent instead.

And finally GNB. The lighting messes with it sorta, the shirt and shoes are purple.

I’ll be switching out this one’s weapon, too. His hair sticks right through the shirt’s hood which is unfortunate, but I paid a fortune for this shirt before I changed his hair and I am going to USE it.

Oh jeez it’s 6:30. I’m going to keep playing but end this here. Know that I love Doran and am now at the point where I will cry about him right now, like I promised I’d get to a while ago.

[thisnerdsadventures]

a day in the life

so i thought i’d hash out what i did yesterday because some of you i suppose are wondering what college students do, so here is a rundown of everything i did yesterday and today:

tl;dr if you don’t want to read the whole thing just click on this youtube link for the most important part of the last 48 hours of my life -> [x]

wednesday:

8:30am: woke up after 4 hours of sleep and ran to my 9am

9am: took a practice quiz for my programming class. finished around 45 minutes early, so i got a chance to buy breakfast

10:15am: went to hide out in the eecs lounge while eating a breakfast sandwich. dropped my resume to a couple of companies (twitter)

11:00am: went to my algorithms recitation where we talked about basic hashing and chaining

12pm: ran over to my lab meeting, where there was unexpectedly, no free lunch. sad. but i also got there like halfway through the meeting, so they were discussing a table and i wasn’t really sure what the table meant but i sat there and was impressed because i was being surrounded by science

1pm: went to my machine learning class. we started on a lab about stochastic gradient descent and the pegasos algorithm. pretty interesting stuff

2:30pm: bought panda express for lunch, hung out for like half an hour

3:00pm: ran over to lab to work on my urop (i also realize i havent talked at all about my new project - basically its all the way on the other side of the spectrum, i’m doing protein modeling, specifically modeling silk proteins. i’m doing structural analysis to study changes in different conditions. im being vague bc idk what’s confidential at this point)

5:00pm: ran over to yoga. because you need to take PE here to graduate. sigh

6:00pm: got dinner, they had poke bowls that made my mouth feel weird

7:00pm: tutored someone in 6.042 (we have HKN tutoring here where you can get paid for tutoring others). i took this class last semester and honestly don’t remember stable matching

8:00pm: worked on my machine learning lab and finished it, but realized i really should review everything we’ve done lately.

9:30pm: did my readings for my world music class. 

11:00pm: worked on practice problems for my quiz in 009 on friday. tomorrow. thats tomorrow oh n

11:45pm: took a break and hung out w some friends. we watched a video of a fish eating a nut. i’m serious though please watch it [x]

12:00am: went back to interview prep and studying up for my interview with bose on friday! v exciting, much anxiety. lost productivity

2:30am: slept

thursday:

10:20am: woke up

11:00am: went to algorithms lecture. did not understand a single thing

12:00pm: hung out in a lounge before my HASS class. read up more about hashing to try and comprehend what lecture was about. realized book did not have anything on rolling hash

12:30pm: went to my music class

2:00pm: ran to buy lunch, worked on my urop in the eecs lounge

4:00pm: had to go to a makeup yoga session. was much more chill than my yoga class. why

5:00pm: currently hanging out, should be applying to other things, insteada writing this post

6:00pm: will eat dinner

7:30pm: i’m doing a mock interview with a senior friend, and idk why i signed up for this because now im really nervous for this

8:00pm: FINALLY HOME AND I WILL EAT PIZZA AND REST AND TRY NOT TO CRY BEFORE TOMORROW BECAUSE INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 10:30AM MY FIRST INTERVIEW OF MY PROFESSIONAL CAREER CRIE

also if you look at the above schedule you will see i leave around an hour for dinner and 15 minutes of break time at like midnight to call my parents and have social interaction, so if i dont respond to your text/messages immediately THIS IS WHY LMAO

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: The Art of Losing

Last week, @redphlox, @sojustifiable and @soundofez stopped in to talk about their 2016 Resbang, The Art of Losing! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: What is your fav scene, to write or just based on how it turned out! 

redphlox: I def had fun writing the climax, it was so much drama and I. love. writing. drama. I'm happiest with that. I also really enjoyed writing the middle section, where Soul and Maka are traveling, because i got to build their relationship in small scenes. It was fun to write a scene and realize it could lead to something else. It blossomed.

Q: Amanda and fez, you both did some really cool unique art! What made you wanna work in those mediums and how did you decide what scenes or subjects you wanted to art?

Amanda: Last year my default position was that I wanted to write music because I wasn't as experienced with visual art and I love writing songs based on stories and I definitely decided to stick with that for Julie's because she has a really poetic style that made for good lyric mining. And then for my other piece, marsh had sent me a bunch of cool art supplies and I wanted to try them out so I decided to do some work with pastels.

fez: I had enough Resbangs that I wanted to do something different for each one? And I'd been wanting to animate lately and I knew I could find gifs to trace from Anastasia so that helped. The third gif tho... so the night before post day I felt like I hadn't really done enough with the Fic Itself, all I really did was trace movie gifs and idk, I wanted to actually have scenes from the fic. So I started skimming and looking for things to sketch and then I came across one particular line that inspired my third gif and... that one took over lmao rip.

Q: What made you inspired to write an Anastasia AU?

redphlox: I was watching the movie and I thought "Imagine Soul in Dimitri's outfit" and it snowballed from there! I also love Anya and Dimitri's relationship, they have a lot of sass at first and grow to like each other, and I saw a lot of SoMa in them.

Q: Amanda/fez, do you feel like you grew in ur arting skillz from this Resbang, and how so? Same for you and writing, Julie.

fez: I learned that animating hair is stupidly difficult hahah. But yes, I definitely learned things about animating (namely how it takes a suuuuuper long time) and it made me appreciate animation so much more.

Amanda: Every time I write a song it definitely gets easier and I can rely more on motivation than waiting for raw inspiration.

redphlox: Hmm I felt like I grew in the plotting department. Style-wise, I learned I change styles a lot, and finding my voice for this fic was incredibly hard at first. It took 3 months to iron out the beginning because of these things, but the rest flowed after I found something I could own. I also learned to write faster and to be more disciplined. I committed to doing 1k a day to trudge through the difficult parts, and on days where I felt inspired I did a lot more than that.

Q: What was the hardest scene to write?

redphlox: Lord, the hardest was the beginning, for plotting reasons. I kept writing and deleting and adding characters and deleting them, it was awful. Overall I think the opening scene gave me more hell than it should have because I couldn't decide how I wanted Soul and Maka's relationship to start.

Q: What kinds of things did you do to find the voice and tone for the fic? Are there any writing rituals you have?

redphlox: I have to find a song that puts me in the feel of the scene I'm writing and I listen to it on repeat the whole time, haha. And to get myself pumped up, I read a lot of good writing that I admire.

Q: Do you do playlists for each fic?

redphlox: I listen to the same songs when I write, tbh. I listened to "4 page letter" by Aaliyah a LOT for this fic. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2maiIc_LACs). The lyrics don't fit the fic but I love the emotion behind Aaliyah's song, and her voice is beautiful. The longing is real, and that's what I wanted Soul and Maka's relationship to lead up to. I also listened to this song over and over again: https://youtu.be/bs2VL_HYG9Y.

Q: What inspired Maka's parents story for you, if anything? I know that that was an interesting subplot that I was not expecting when I read it!

redphlox: I wanted to stick to canon, but I also wanted to borrow from the movie, haha. So Spirit and his wife not having the best relationship comes from the manga, and everything else was a sprinkle from the movie. I was just trying to make everything plausible and it turned out into this subplot xD. All the little bits of what Maka COULD remember had to make sense in the end so I had to think and think and think.

Q: The jazz scene was one of my faves, and one that didn't really have a movie parallel. Was that a scene that you knew to write from the beginning, or did it pop up on its own?

redphlox: That scene literally popped up on its own. It was one of those that bloomed because of the previous scene. I also wanted to address Soul's love/hate relationship with music and extend the metaphor of Maka being able to see things around her, and that included Soul.

Q: Did you do any research to nail the period? Same question to all.

fez: Julie gave us clothing references ;v; I... really didn't do any research.

redphlox: Oh yeahhhh. I know the movie is set in the 1920s-ish and I wanted my fic to be vague time-period wise so that I didn't have to commit to too many intricate details, but I did look up clothing references for Amanda and fez. And I had to research transporation methods for that time period, because Soul and Maka spent so much time doing that. I wanted to be subtle, but not entirely inaccurate. Idk how many times I googled "1920s women’s fashion" in different words.

Q: What are you most proud of?

redphlox: I'm most proud of how much I wrote in so little time. I lost 3 months agonizing over my writing style and the opening scene. I don't think I got the beginning down until after second author check-ins. So when it just clicked, I cranked out 13k one week, 10k the next, and 5k in one day :0 It was insane. I'm also really proud of chapters 5-8 because everything was piling up for the characters and I introduced Spirit and Wes, and tension were running high between Soul and Maka. I can't tell you how much I love to make them suffer.

Q: I loved the part where Soul is like "WAIT WHAT BOY" when she "remembers" him when they're in the train. Did you pull from anything specific to get those emotions across?

redphlox: Ahhh I pulled from those depression feels of inadequacy LOL. He was just touched that he had an impact on her, bc the time they had together was v little. ;-;

Q: Did you watch the movie a lot? I really love how you managed to capture the feel of it while staying true to the spirit of the SE characters. How did you manage to walk that line so well?

redphlox: Ahh, I watched it the first time when I decided to write it, and then I watched it with fez at her house, and I watched it again when I was at my most frustrated with writing. Anddd I love that movie so much, it's one of my favorites, and I wanted to do it justice. I wanted to capture its feeling, because it's so beautiful and nostalgic. I didn't want to take everything from the movie, because some of it didn't fit the characters. Like, I couldn't see Soul trying to con someone for their money, like Dimitri did in the movie, but I could def see Spirit heartbroken but hopeful of seeing his daughter come back one day, even if it was stupid.

Q: Did you have any beta comments Julie that you particularly liked/thought were funny/encouraged you?

redphlox: All of bendandcurl's comments were super encouraging and insightful, and anytime Proma gave me a thumbs up on something I did feel like a proud student. Because my fic was more of a serious drama than fluff there weren't any funny comments besides the occasional gif during a serious moment in the fic.

Q: Okay but. Anya. Did you consider having her make an appearance?

redphlox: Oh I did! I had originally written Anya coming into the bakery to meet Soul in the very beginning to talk about their thing but leave after he didn't show up. That way later, when the truth was revealed, Maka could've had a lightbulb OH moment. But then I decided against it and left Anya as a background character.

Q: fez, I wanted to ask why you liked the spirit and maka gif so much, what inspired you to pick that scene?

fez: Ahhhh I have a lot of family feels, so when I saw the twirlies I... I wanted it. Maka's pigtails made me suffer but in the end it was worth it.

Q: What was [everyone's] favorite part about collaborating?

Amanda: Oo well first of all I was excited to work with fez and Julie because they are both gr8 and I had no idea Julie was writing it, so it was a really fun surprise, and then also a perfect fic to write a song for because Julie has so many good phrases to pull for lyrics.

fez: I also flipped out when I found out I'd be working with Julie and Amanda ;v; probably I had the most fun throwing my WIPs around ahah;;

redphlox: I was so stunned when I saw that Amanda picked mine, and that multiplied when fez joined. :0 It was a wild ride, and seeing their progress on their art was phenomenal like, they truly brought it to life and I'm so grateful for their hard work. I'm happy with it, it was a good team.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling diary #8 (my memory is baaad plus some general frustrations and encouragements)

This past week was kinda hmm... nyeeeeh. I wouldn't say I did anything particularly exciting or new or memorable and I was kinda sickly but it wasn't bad bad and that's all that matters ^^ My memory is bad bad baaaaad in other words, same as usual lol

I’ve decided I’m gonna try to write this weeks (or well, last weeks) stuff using the tumblr app this time, I haven't really used it much, but it's been pretty neat so far aka I cba to clear my desk and use the pc. My typo rate is srsly v. high tho and I wanna shorten the words cuz phone typing and effort but I think I actually type about the same speed with my phone as I do on the PC hah... If only I could read back the text and edit stuff easier as I go along though... oh welp. (Whoa phew, I thought I accidentally posted it by accident lulz the app gives a 'it posted' notification when I save it as a draft what even lol)

This weeks counselling app was... pretty alright, though I'm feeling the pressure and the nerves more now because as predicted I am expected to try even more harder with the communication and skill learning stuff for next time and I really arghhh xwx I only just got over the last wall and the next one seems way more difficult to scale... but I think I can do it... I just need to push away the unhelpful thoughts and persist..! >^<

So that sheet about emotions and thoughts I had to do... I only managed to write two small things but it's something at least, we didn't actually look over it this session because we were still looking at the unhelpful behaviour sheet from last last time which was a slight relief but I still have the sheet now and need to fill it by next week xwx

The behaviour we went over was to do with comparing yourself to others and I really can't remember a lot of the things that was said gdi... maybe I'll just bullet point some of the important stuff and the rest will come back to me easier... and so I don't forget even more lol I'm just feeling extra lazy and unmovtivated hahaha.. ugh @v@"

🍰 Every person has their own views on things/their own way of doing or reacting to things and there is no right or wrong way in essence. Like baking a cake, one person may use so and so ingredients and the other such and such or even something that seems pretty unconventional but they both still result in cakes. Another person may prefer the taste of cake 1 over 2 and another person cake 2 over 1. No one is wrong in their choices, it’s just personal preference.

🥞 All professions work together in harmony and are necessary to make up and keep up a society. There is no need to be ashamed of or think lowly of your profession because it is just as important (eg. trash collector people, some people might think lowly of them but without them there would be a mess of vermin and disease etc etc as juxtaposed with another profession like a doctor which is usually thought highly of).

🍕 The only way to break the cycle is by doing. Doing will provide you with the experience and evidence needed to override your negative presumptions and this in turn will allow you to get past the things holding you back and grow. Your beliefs should run on facts and not irrational thoughts which probably hold no truth at all. 

🍔 Like reading a book, you only know as much as you've read (your current and past experiences and beliefs), but there is still so much left to learn and absorb if you push forward and continue. The parts you haven't read yet (future experiences and knowledge etc) may be the positive and powerful parts needed to neutralise and flip back the negative beginning chapters.

🍝 You live in a place where freedom and choice is encouraged and accepted (unlike some other places in the world where people live under strict control), so why would you willingly choose to cage yourself in with all these rules and restrictions..? (T^T Idk why... but I don’t want to no more that’s for sure!)

🍦 Everything you do should be for your own approval and not anyone else’s. It’s your life and your choices, not theirs. Your own opinions matter most and your own wellbeing should be your priority. Do it all for yourself.

🍩 I would really like a doughnut right now, damn. I can’t have any of these foods rn cause of my diet lolol... they’re unhealthy anyways ^^”

These are some really awfully phrased retellings of the stuff the counsellor told me, but that’s basically all I can remember right now but they give very interesting and useful views on things. Normally I would rephrase them even more or not include the examples but w/e I need to stop being so afraid, just get it all down nice and straightforward and truthful! Yeah, I could've just used the actual bullet point formatting but food emoji is much more exciting of course :D I literally can’t think anymore about last week, I’m just so overwhelmed with this week, my head hurts with the mental effort x^x I decided to go back to using the pc, the app is good for brief things only I guess.

In terms of doing something brave or well out of my comfort zone, I walked down a few streets on my own and went to collect some post. It’s something I’ve done before (though not completely on my own) but I still had a hella awkward time at the desk cause the queue was kind of jumbled and idk if the person before me was actually someone that came after, I thought maybe they were an employee and went behind them instead or maybe they skipped in front idk ugh... I really suck at looking and remembering people’s faces sometimes.

If I wanted to go somewhere else on my own my parents would probably not let me go and my dad would lecture me all the safety things even more than usual (seriously, I get the don’t talk to strangers type of line every single time..!). I’m not a child, I shouldn’t have to ask for permission and this time I didn’t ask, I just said where I was going and why and left but if I tried that to go anywhere else then they’d get ruffled. But the main thing is the communication again I guess, as long as they are informed, it’ll lessen the stress and make them more open to me taking my own initiative. 

Like I understand they want me to be safe, it’s what parents do and I obviously don’t want to run into any trouble too, but sometimes being too overprotective and overly cautious means I’m just stuck and can’t grow at all. It just goes to make me even more scared of the world, when I should be out there doing things like everyone else, it sucks. 

I know in parents eyes, their daughters and sons will always be their kids, their babies, but at some point they will see them as adults too and well, that just isn’t happening for me. I haven’t proven myself worthy of the adult title and I also feel I don’t deserve it yet, it seems a long way off still but it feels so ridiculous, but what is age but just a number anyways, everyone goes at different paces. I shouldn’t dwell on this too much and just try my best to prove to myself, yes myself first and foremost, that I can be an adult, I can be responsible and independent at least a little more. I need a better action plan really... besides the vague, get a job, learn to drive, cook etc. idk what else @^@” I’m getting a little ahead of myself with even this though, gotta not forget, take things slow and gradually, baby steps!! ^^

In my other endeavours with art and posting things online, it’s just come to a stand still or gone backwards actually, I’ve just gotten so scared again, I can’t put a pen to paper or even leave a comment on other people’s stuff anymore and it feels really awful, like why can’t I just do it and forget about feeling foolish or judged or inadequate, I keep overthinking again gdi..!! >^< I keep wanting to plan things and have things all perfect and ready instead of just getting things done as I go like other people... damn, I keep saying like other people, constantly comparing myself to them, that’s another reason I’ve gotten scared to try again with anything. 

Gosh, these unhelpful habits are for reals and are the worst, at least I’m more aware of them though, maybe I can fight them back a bit better now that I know how draining and evil they are... Okay! I challenge you unhelpful habits!! Imma throw you in the trash and get my ass moving! You’ve got nothing on me! I can do it!! Ugh... ;^; No no, no sad! Fight fight fight! Go go go! ò^ó

My sis got me a lot of gifts relating to art, she encourages me through this and her kind words and wants me to do well, I want me to do well too and to show my gratitude with action, so imma do well and make a lot of nice arts to be proud of! They don’t have to be perfect! I saw a quote that was something like ‘even the pages on your bad days are better than the ones on the days you did nothing’ (I just totally butchered that lol) or something like that and it was like, damn, that’s true. A little practice even if it’s not serious is better than nothing at all! Okay okay I’m pumped!

The stuff I had to do this week is to help out at the front of the shop, gain some experience and converse with customers..! I already attempted it once for a short time and welp, it was scary but I guess not that bad (also I kinda botched up a phone order maybe) but I keep reading into things too deeply and negatively and it scared me off and now as usual the week is ending and my opportunities to try are limited, need to get my ass in gear, c’mon I can do it! Don’t be afraid, you’re doing well, keep going! ^^”... go go go! ^u^

Maybe I can kill 2 birds with one stone, sit and observe but also draw, space is limited though so idk if it’ll work out but there’s no harm giving it a try I guess. Must not forget to fill in that emotions/thoughts sheet ugh, I should have done it as I actually do stuff but I do things in bad and unconventional ways. Need to break a lot of habits. I downloaded this app that is supposed to help you build new healthy habits, so far all it’s wanted me to do is to drink water when I wake up so I feel more energised lol but I did it and it does help, I wonder if I can build a lot of other good habits too, it certainly makes things feel more fun in a way.

Everyday in my mind I want to look over the days happenings in a more positive light and congratulate myself for all the small things I did that I maybe I wouldn’t have some weeks ago, so I can see how much I actually improved and have put effort in. Even though on the surface it just all seems meh, I want to let myself see how things have actually become a little easier and how the negative thoughts relating to them has begun to affect me less and take up less space in my conscious. Be proud of yourself and all your endeavours, silly!

Hmm, this post is probably shorter than my usual one but oh well, I don’t want to spend too much time rambling or ruminating or being a paralysed perfectionist, I’ve got other bigger fish to fry! And draw and eat omnomnom! Yolo! x3

Okay okay, now I’m going to go do some artsy fartsy stuff or at least have myself set up for it and my conversing/experience gaining challenge hoo! Believe in yourself, you can do it! Let’s go go! :D

Have a lovely evening and keep trying, keep flying! ^^