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technoskittles · 5 years ago

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Catradora fic rec list

I mentioned making one of these awhile ago and I’m finally sitting down and compiling some of my all-time favorite fics. I’ve read a lot (like, a LOT), but I feel like a few of those really deserve an extra shout out.

I’ll separate them between multi-chap and one shots, but other than that they won’t be in any particular order. I’ll also try my best to tag the authors here on tumblr if I can find them, but if not, just lemme know if you see your fic and I can edit this later.

I’ll also be including ratings/word count/trigger warnings/etc

(I’ll mostly be including common tw’s so please make sure you also read the tags for anything that may affect you personally! Also, if I miss any, please keep in mind that it’s been awhile since I’ve read some of these so I may not remember all of them!)

Key:

[E] - Explicit

[M] - Mature

[T] - Teen & Up Audiences

[G] - General Audiences

And for the multi-chap fics:

(O) - Ongoing

(F) - Finished

(?) - Not finished and they haven’t updated in awhile so the author probably died

So let’s get started! (Get ready for a long post obviously)

Multi-chap fics:

1. upper west side by ceruleanstorm (F) [T] ~190,000 words

TW: past child abuse, alcohol abuse

@princessofgayskull

I feel like this is definitely one of the top must-reads for all Catradora fanfics. I know I’ve seen this on a couple different lists but I’m including it on mine as well because it really is just that good.

The chapters are lengthy (but in a good way!) and the story really takes its time to flesh itself out. The character development of the characters as individuals is beautifully done and wonderfully realistic. The pacing of the development of Catra and Adora’s relationship is also sweetly slow, a steady slowburn that invokes that deep-rooted yearning feeling mirrored by the characters themselves.

It’s a really clever premise that takes place in the modern world but implements the canon universe in the form of the book that Adora’s writing that ties back to her and Catra’s shared childhood. The way that aspects of the show were revamped into this fic are so creative and I just....ugh. LOVE.

This fic also has a oneshot compilation that takes place after the events of the final chapter which is currently ongoing and I HIGHLY suggest checking that out as well once you’ve finished this.

The sister fic for those interested: she’s god (and I found her) (O) [T] ~40,000 words

2. The Devil Is In (The Details) by SeasInkarnadine (O) [M] ~58,000 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, child abuse, emotional abuse, use of recreational drugs, Major Character Death

@seasinkarnadine

This is a really great fic where Adora is an undercover cop who sidles her way into one of the largest gang syndicates to bust whoever killed Hordak, a big gang leader and drug trafficker, whose death was originally ruled as an accidental overdose. Her and Catra (one of the gang members) both know foul play was involved and work together to figure out the truth.

The dynamics between these two is so casual and hilarious but still has those gut-wrenching moments that really ground you and realize that their relationship is dysfunctional on a few levels. The exploration of Adora’s conflicting feelings towards Catra hurt in such a good way as she realizes that she does genuinely care for Catra, but also is aware that what she’s doing will eventually screw her over and land her in jail. It’s the best kind of underlying angst and I highly recommend it.

Another really great selling point that I particularly love is that Adora is deaf in this AU and the author really shows this in such a realistic and natural way that shows she really knows what she’s talking about. It makes the dynamic between the two even more interesting considering that Catra also knows sign language which give the two a lot of moments of mutual understanding that doesn’t extend to the other characters. It’s something that the two of them have that’s sort of just for them to be on that level of understanding and it’s so great.

Also, Morgan is just a great writer in general and I highly suggest checking out more of her stuff (her art too!). She’s one of the writers I’ve looked up to since my beginning days in the fandom and it’s still amazing seeing all the great stuff she puts out.

3. Skinny Love by Maychup (O) [M] ~100,000 words

TW: past child abuse

@maychup

Another staple of big fics in the catradora fandom but for good reason. This fic is a wonderful exploration of events taking place after S1 illustrating Catra & Adora’s relationship in a different path that the rest of the show takes. It focuses heavily on their past experiences with each other and how that affects their current situation being on opposite sides of the war.

This fic is older, published just after S1, so canon divergence is an important aspect of its build. But the way the story is written is so beautiful and grounded that it’s still interesting even now knowing what really happens in the show.

Their dynamic is kind of back-and-forth, with Catra figuring out what Adora means to her and vice versa and where the two of them want to go from that point. It has so many sweet moments and steamy ones as well (btw, there’s a lot of smut) and the exploration into each of the character’s pysches is so compelling and intriguing.

4. Faded With Feelings by yesimgay (F) [T] ~24,000 words

TW: recreational drug use

This was such a cute, short multi-chap fic. It’s a bit older but I think it’s still one of my top faves.

A modern au, Catra & Adora are roommates post-college and trying to make their way in the adulting world. Catra has ADHD and smokes weed to help with that. One day Adora accidentally eats a couple of her edibles and cute shenanigans ensue. And that’s just the first two chapters.

The rest of the fic goes on to the girls figuring out their feelings for each other, especially Adora who, in this case, isn’t really sure of her sexuality. All-in-all, a really cute fic that’s a nice break from all the angst that typically saturates the fandom.

5. Chasing the Spotlight by holymountain (?) [T] ~20,000 words

This is an AU where Adora is hired to be Catra’s, a pop singer, bodyguard. There’s so many cute moments in this, though admittedly it’s been about 6 months since it’s last updated so be sure to keep that in mind.

6. we’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue by darklady21 (?) [t] ~24,000 words

An “and they were ROOMMATES” au. In this one though, Catra and Adora don’t actually know each other and really only get to know each other over time. It’s cute and has a lot of interesting interactions between the two, but it hasn’t updated in about 7 months.

7. Tuning Out by FaiaHae (?) [T] ~2500 words

I actually really loved the whole concept of this fic but it hasn’t updated in like, an entire year so...only read if you’re okay with the fact that it probably won’t ever be finished haha

8. burnt sugar by jeserai (O) [G] ~11,000 words

@jeserai

Oh god YES this fic. The classic “fake dating” au except Catra is a rich kid inheriting a business who essentially hires Adora, a broke college student, to go on a date with her to this big business function. There’s not a lot to say about it other than that without giving too much away, but the fic is about halfway done at this point so it’s a pretty short read as of now.

Just be warned, it’s currently on a MASSIVE cliffhanger so if you wanna wait until it updates I totally understand lol

9. still waters by summerson (O) [M] ~28,000 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, self harm

A “The Last of Us” AU. Personally, I’m not super familiar with TLOU because I could never get into the game myself, but this fic is so well done and the writing style is so interesting and well-executed that I still love this fic to bits. But obviously, for those of you who are aware of TLOU, you already know that this fic is going to contain quite the fair share of angst so be ready.

10. Whispering Dreams by dragonesdepapel (F) [T] ~7500 words

It’s been awhile since I’ve read this one so I don’t remember everything, but I do remember really enjoying the writing style and the construction of this fic. It’s a short read, but it’s totally worth it

11. please could you be tender by erce3 (F) [G] ~40,000 words

@figbian

please please PLEASE go read this fic. I’m actually begging y’all to go read this one I loved it so much it’s still one of my top 10 faves out there.

This fic is set in a modern setting where Adora & Catra were childhood friends and are in college and god it’s just SO. GOOD. The writing style and composition of the flashbacks with the present events is so beautifully done and organized and I really cannot hype this fic up enough GO READ IT

12. buried a hatchet (it’s coming up lavendar) by erce3 (O) [G] ~12,000 words

on the note of that last rec, I highly rec their other work which is currently in progress. It takes place after S3 but it’s an exploration on if Catra and Adora got trapped in the portal instead of Angella and FUCK this person is genuinely amazing go read their stuff

13. Senior Year by SimplyAbsolute (O) [E] ~98,000 words

@simplyabsolute

This is a really cute fic about Adora and Catra in their final year of college and I guess for me personally it really just hits hard because I’m also in my final year of college lol. But really, it’s a great fic and I suggest checking it out. It’s actually only got one more chapter left too so it’s almost done!

14. Assassinating Adora by Wicked42 (F) [T] ~13,000 words

@wicked-42

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Jeez this fic was a real rollercoaster of emotions. I loved every bit of it.

Basically, some people try to assassinate Adora and Catra stops one of them, but both girls are still inflicted by the poison and....it just gets crazier from there. Don’t wanna spoil it too much but this is a must-read for sure.

And this one may seem like cheating but I’m gonna plug one of my own multi-chap fics here

15. Pure Feeling (O) [T] ~30,000 words

TW: brief mention of sexual assault in Ch 5

This is a modern AU set after all the kids have been out of college for a few years.

Adora and Catra were childhood friends but ended up drifting apart and falling out during their college years. Fast forward about 6 years and they run into each other again, except now Adora has a daughter and is struggling to balance her life as a single mother. Overtime the two girls work on rebuilding their friendship and somewhere along the way might even realize that they’re feelings for each other never really went away. But of course, like all things in life, this isn’t an easy process and they run into more than a few complications - internal and external.

One Shots:

(there’s so many of these I’ve loved so I’m really going to try and narrow it down to about 10. If yours didn’t make it, no offense! I just have WAY too many to include and this post is already so long haha)

1. The Interlude That Never Ends by FMLClexa [M] ~2500 words

TW: Major Character Death, brief mention of sexual assault

Okay I’m gonna be honest: If you ignore all the other fics on this list, READ THIS ONE. This is absolutely my #1 favorite without a doubt. It’s a soulmate/reincarnation au and it’s so wonderfully executed that I honestly cannot even begin to tell y’all how much I love this one. It’s old and one of the first fics I ever read, but it’s so timeless and excellent and I promise you won’t regret reading it. I know I’ve read this about a million times over.

It’s been a whole year and this has held my #1 fave position the entire time. READ. IT.

2. after party by summerson [M] ~2000 words

TW: recreational drug use

God this fic was so great I read it last night and I’m still in awe in how well it was written and the emotions it managed to invoke in me. My favorite scene is the part where Catra tells Adora “I love you” because it’s so raw and desperate and I vibed with it so hard. It’s really difficult trying to tell someone how much you love them with just a few simple words because they really just don’t convey how much you love them and it’s so frustrating and GAH this fic was fucking great please read it.

3. jigsaw by jeserai [G] ~2500 words

@jeserai

This fic is so great and I felt so warm inside reading it. Definitely read if you want sweet, slow friends to lovers burn.

4. Vicious by SeasInkarnadine [M] ~3500 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-Con

I really highly recommend this one if you can get past the trigger warnings. It was so well written and very suspenseful with the juxtaposition of the timeline between current events and snippets of what had happened just hours before. But the ending is really sweet and the way that Catra cares for Adora after the whole thing squeezed my heart to pieces.

This is one I’ve read a few times over because of how much I love it. Def in my top 3.

5. Basement by spookyscaryskeletons [G] ~2800 words

This was such a great rendition of “Adora and Catra are forced to talk” and the emotions were raw and bleeding and I love the character portrayals.

6. Coming Apart by Whorls [E] ~13,000 words (or ~6,000 words each chap)

@crazy-pages

Okay this fic technically has two chapters but I’m including it here in the oneshots because the chapters are identical in the sense of story but the only difference is that in chapter one Catra is a cis woman and in chapter two she’s a trans woman pre-op. Other than that the chapters are identical so it’s mostly based off which experience you would rather have while reading.

This fic was. So. Fucking. Good. Sen did such a fantastic job with both aspects of this story and I love it to bits and pieces. The smut in the beginning is delicious as can be, but then towards the latter half it absolutely sucker punches you with feelings but in a good way. I really, really fucking love this fic and I think it needs more attention than it initially got so I’m imploring you all to please go read this fic. It’s fantastic.

7. Seconds That I Cannot Replace by Mogatrat [M] ~7800 words

TW: child abuse, underage(?)

This is a really heartbreaking fic set before canon. It’s about all the times that Catra and Adora started a romantic relationship only for Shadow Weaver to come in and ruin everything by constantly erasing and resetting Adora’s memory. I still think about this fic from time to time. Give it a go.

8. Come morning light by dragonesdepapel [T] ~1800 words

TW: Major Character Death

Another one that’s technically two chapters but it’s the same events, just covers the perspective of each girl. Adora’s dying and asks Catra to stay with her.

Basically this fic ripped my heart out and I still think about it sometimes.

9. someone you like by caela [T] ~5100 words

oh fuck me yes this fic. A modern au where Catra sorta stalks Adora on instagram and accidentally likes an old picture. Fluffiness galore.

10. When You Came Calling by ActuallyMe [E] ~5200 words

TW: Major Character Death

A 1940′s Mob AU where Catra is a private eye and Adora married high-ranking mob boss Hordak...who’s just been murdered.

Really great one shot. Personally I would’ve loved to see more come of this but it’s great on its own.

And once again, this is cheating but here’s a couple oneshots of my own that I wanna plug real quick

11. hang tight (all you) [T] ~9200 words

Modern AU fic set when Catra and Adora are in high school. Adora struggles to come to terms with her sexuality in an discouraging environment as well as the fact that she’s had a crush on her best friend since middle school. Personally I think this was one of my best works and a lot of other people seem to have liked it too so yeah!

12. as my World d[ivides] [E] ~2500 words

TW: Rape/Non-Con, Underage

One of my darker fics, but still one I’m pretty proud of. Without giving too much away, Adora suffers from a trauma and engages in unhealthy coping mechanisms and Catra enables her because no one’s taught them any different.

#she ra #spop #catra #adora #catradora #she ra and the princesses of power #fic recs #long post #thanks for hanging in with me guys #but yes I highly suggest all these fics

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ogcassiopeia · 5 years ago

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M+M Answers Kpop Questions

1. Which group have you thought about stanning, but never seem to get around to it?

I’ve essentially only ever stanned TVXQ and never deviated from that but I could totally see myself stanning Shinee or Monsta X.

2. Do you have any irl friends that like kpop?

It depends on what you mean by irl. As of right now, I only have one irl friend, who lives in Canada, that enjoys kpop as much as I do. We met back in the early 2000s when both her and I were massively into TVXQ. She moved on to stanning BTS after TVXQ broke up but she still loves TVXQ and we talk about kpop and other life happenings often. The kpop friend I had here physically in my town with me eventually moved to a different city and we lost contact a few years ago. I am not even sure if she still enjoys kpop or not.

3. How old were you when you first got into kpop?

Oh gosh…I think I was 13 at the time.

4. What song(s) took you a while to warm up to?

A lot of f(x)’s earlier stuff like Nu Abo and Chu as at the time when they came out I found them to be grating and irritating. Most girl group songs take me a while to get into since I am more of a boy group kind of kpop fan.

5. Have you ever disliked a group/idol? If so, why? (You don’t have to say who it is if you’re scared of getting hate).

I wouldn’t say I dislike or hate a lot of kpop singers/groups but I would say I am either just not a fan of their personalities and/or their work. For girl groups, I especially am not a fan of BlackPink, Red Velvet or Girls Generation. I like one of two of their songs, but I find their voices irritating and feel like their talents are limited. I do feel this way about some boy bands too…but the one I do not care for is one that I may regret speaking ill of due to their fanbase.

6. What annoys you the most about kpop?

As of right now, it would be the fans. There seems to be constant harassment of people, celebrities or other fans who have differing opinions. Just let people like who they like and hate who they hate. What does it matter if they don’t agree with you? If you like the boy group/girl group/solo singer GREAT...leave it at that. You don’t need to harass or bully someone else into liking your faves.

7. What do you love the most about kpop?

The music. It brings diversity and color into my consumed media and it’s just generally enjoyable pop music fluff that I do not get from American media.

8. Do you only listen to kpop?

Nope. I listen to all kinds of music outside of kpop.

9. Who are you favorite western artists (if you have any)?

Paperwhite, The Band CAMINO, The 1975, Bad Suns, Lennon Stella, LEON, ASTR, Ralph, The Midnight

10. How long have you been into kpop?

Since 2003…so it’s been a while…17 years or so. (P.S. I am old and boring.)

11. What music did you used to listen to before getting into kpop?

Mostly American pop music, J-pop, J-rock and indie-pop.

12. What fandom(s) were you in before getting into kpop? Are you still in them?

I was super into anime and manga back then…I was a part of the Sailor Moon fandom and I still love me some Sailor Moon. I also really loved the Backstreet Boys and still do…I am going to their concert in August (as long as it doesn’t get cancelled due to coronavirus)!

13. Which group did you used to think was overrated but ended up loving?

Shinee

14. Is there a kpop song that annoys you? If so, which one?

Uhm…there are a lot of them. Some of the songs I find annoying are: I’ve Got A Boy + Oh! + Kissing You – Girls Generation, I Don’t Know What To Do – BlackPink, Everyday – WINNER, Snapping – Chungha, Dog and Cat – TXT, Seventh Sense - NCT (I am sorry to all of you who may love those songs)

15. What aspects of kpop make you cringe/feel secondhand embarrassment?

The Aegyo and overly cutesy, child-like concepts that girl groups always seem to have to participate in. Even though I know it comes from cultural differences in sexual attractiveness (I lived in Japan for years...I’ve seen it first hand), it still just creeps me out. I don’t like it in J-pop either, btw.

16. Which concepts do you love?

I LOVE dark, sexy, horror-like concepts that have been used by groups like VIXX and Dreamcatcher. I also love slick, retro themed songs based in the swing/jazz age (Something or Spellbound – TVXQ) or 80s nostalgia (I Feel You – The Wonder Girls).

17. Which concepts do you hate?

Anything overly aegyo or cutesy.

18. If you could trade places with an idol, who would it be?

I would totally love to be in Shim Changmin’s shoes….being part of an idol group considered gods in the kpop realm.

19. What do you look for in a bias?

(1) Intelligence, (2) Sassy/Funny, (3) Honest, (4) Hardworking, (5) Talented, (6) Humble

20. Which kpop company do you hate the most?

Cube or Pledis

21. What are you opinions on shipping?

It’s fine as long as fans don’t push participation of it onto the idols they’re shipping.

22. How did you get into kpop?

I saw a Kpop Countdown show on cable TV back in 2003 where they showed BoA and TVXQ and I was hooked instantly.

23. Has anyone ever made fun of you or looked at you weird for liking kpop?

I mean, yes…1000x yes, I was made fun of for loving kpop all the time. Once again, I got into kpop in 2003 y’all….which was before the internet was easily accessible in my home so I felt like the only person in America who liked kpop at the time. Not even my closest friends were into it and they felt like I was just a massive weirdo for loving it as much as I did. Thankfully, I found a community online of international kpop enthusiasts like myself to talk to in around 2005 (since I finally was able to save up for a bulky ass laptop) and that helped me feel less alone and bullied.

24. What is the cringiest thing you did when you were starting to get into kpop?

By the time kpop came into my life, I was already a set up Weeaboo, so…really I just became a deeper version of that…I was like an embarrassing kaiju cultural appropriation combo of Weeaboo and Koreaboo. I would make my own tshirts for TVXQ and just wear them out and about. They were SO BADLY MADE because I had no idea what I was doing but I thought I was so smart and stylish at the time. I also made CDs of Jpop and Kpop for people around school to hand out at lunch...I cringe just thinking about it.

25. How long does it take you to learn the names of each member in a group?

I’ve stopped learning members names nowadays LOL…I am too old for that shit and just don’t care enough anymore. (For past reference though, it took me about one week to remember all of TVXQ.)

26. Are you a gg, bg, or middle/coed stan?

Boy group stan

27. If you could hang out with one idol, who would you hang out with?

Shim Changmin of TVXQ….he’s my forever bias and I wanna hang out with his puppies and have a meal with him...ask him what he wants to do with the rest of his life once idol-dom is over.

28. Who is the bias to your third favorite group?

I guess that would be Monsta X so…uhm…it was Wonho but apparently, he isn’t in the group anymore…

29. What name from your native language would you give your ult bias?

What would I name Changmin in English? He already has a stage name that’s in English, which is Max. I am not sure what this question is asking LOL (also, who the fuck still calls Changmin, Max? I thought we dropped that shit back in 2006.)

30. Thought on fanfiction/AUs/etc?

I think it is great and gets fans to think more creatively and figure out where their talents lay! I used to write a lot of JaeMin and HoMin fanfiction back in the day…now I write mostly Destiel (Dean and Castiel from Supernatural) fanfiction.

#about me #personal #about mochi and matcha #kpop questions #get to know mochi and matcha #no one cares #if you read this...good on you #welcome to my brain...its full of tvxq and chocolate chip cookies

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theskytraveler · 5 years ago

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So, here’s the deal.

I’ve been a terrible internet friend lately to the lovely @dreamwritesimagines. Sorry. I didn’t mean to pull a Houdini, you know? In my defense, it’s been one of the craziest years of my life, but now I’m BACK! For good! And I know I said that before, but now it’s FOR REAL.

Btw, thanks for always tagging me in your work, it truly means the world.

Anyway, I need to make up to you, so here’s a little surprise 😉 Instead of reading each and every chapter I haven’t read yet and writing my lovely comments on them – spamming your notes with me in the process – I wrote this little thing here.

To you, Dream, here are my long overdue thoughts on your recent incredible work.

To you, my followers and whoever else might be reading this, here are some incredible fic recommendations. You’re welcome.

Since this is partially a fic rec post, I’m gonna write about everything available on your Masterlist, Dream. You know my thoughts on most of these, but ah well. I’m on a roll.

Series I have already finished: (so you can skip it if you’re curious about the ones I haven’t talked about yet)

First, my all-time favorite series you have ever written, the phenomenal Bad Habit. I guess this started as a one-shot and it became so much more. This series has it ALL! Great characters, smart and funny dialogue, fantastic character development and plot twists that hit you out of nowhere.

Oh, and the Y/N here is basically my spirit animal.

Btw, I reread this series a few days ago, and I wanna know: where is my sequel? Where’s the Christmas themed one-shot? My little Zoe acting as Matt’s sidekick and falling in love with Peter Parker (I still remember this anon headcanon, yes, and I still ship it, yes). Gah, I love this series.

While we’re on the Ben Barnes train, let’s talk about Daddy Issues. It’s a Westworld fic that doesn’t take place in Westworld. And it is GREAT. Logan and Y/N are so cute and the ending was perfect. And I still want a one-shot of a proposal, thanks.

And before we get into the more angsty stuff, we gotta talk about Invisible. It’s the softest series ever. I know it’s on a long hiatus for now, but I still think about Y/N and Steve and the fact that I lowkey ship her with Billy. When you find the inspiration for this series again, I’ll be ready. Also, what the hell happened in Detroit?

Ah, Don’t You Love Me. Don’t I love this series. (Sorry, terrible joke. Don’t you love me?). One of the best character developments ever. Y/N here is so flawed and struggling with so many things. It just makes her so human and real. And her road to recovery was a joy to read. And Steve is Steve. The most perfect puppy of a man. And how could I forget my favorite villain in all your series? Trent is GREAT! I STAN A PERFECT ANTAGONIST!

And, finally, it’s time to talk about Faint of Heart. Another one where the character development we see Y/N go through is astounding. I love Queenie, my favorite Y/N ever. This series had the most perfect ending I could dream of. And not just Queenie, I mean, this series has the most amazing cast of characters, I love all of them! The ones from the show and the new original ones. Queenie, Bree and Eric are my babies. AND I WILL DEFEND THAT SOMBER LITTLE PASSAGE WITH MY LIFE OK? THAT IS MY FAVORITE PART IN THE SERIES, NOBODY TOUCHES THAT!

From this point forward, be aware that there WILL be spoilers for new readers.

Series I started, but you have no idea who I feel about the ending because I never told you and series I haven’t started yet: (again, my bad, sorry).

There is never enough Billy Russo, is there? So, Once a Year. The one I never finished. UNTIL NOW THAT IS! Two dysfunctional people falling in love, ah. Or realizing they’ve been in love all along. Billy and Skittles give me the creeps, but I also couldn’t help but ship them. As I recall, the last chapter I read was Chapter 9 and I had a LOT OF QUESTIONS. Like, what the hell is actually going on kind of questions. AND WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR kind of questions. Here are my final (and edited, because this post was already super long, so I had to do some compromises) thoughts on this series:

Chapter 10: My desire to kill Krista is alive and well, I see. Carter is still a puppy and I see myself in Karen, because I too want to see all the drama up close. Skittles and Billy “broke up” and I am SAD. And also curious as to WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! Always questions, never answers;

Chapter 11: THEY KISSED, OMG, STOP EVERYTHING THIS IS SO GREAT, SO FINALLY, OMG, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR LIKE 84 YEARS, NOBODY TOUCH ME! THEN HE SAID HE WAITED OVER 10 YEARS FOR THIS, EXCUSE ME DREAM HOW DARE YOU? YES THIS IS HAPPENING IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM, DON’T STOP THEM NOW! (This five steps game is so cute btw, BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS NOW)! HE BROKE UP WITH KRISTA? YAY! JSFOIAHFI IT’S HAPPENING;

Chapter 12: THEY ARE SO SOFT, I CAN’T- and now everything has gone to shit. Well, it was good while it lasted. Why can’t they just communicate? Tell him what is going on, Skittles. Why are you marrying Carter? AT LEAST TELL ME! Oh, wait. They’re communicating. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT! EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK? Bring me this Aldrich dude, I’ll kill him;

Chapter 13: This whole “second wedding” thing is cracking me up, I laugh every single time. Aldrich has some nerve showing up in the gallery. And I am reminded yet again of how much Skittles and Billy scare me hahaha it’s great;

Chapter 14: It really is one step forward and two steps back with those two, huh? I love my girl Karen! She ships it and her being confused about the situation is the funniest thing ever. And then she gives the best advice. Gotta love her. And now, back to the Skittles and Billy show… COME ON, MAN! Wait. IS SHE BREAKING UP WITH CARTER? Man, I’m so glad I don’t have to wait to find out, which brings us to…

Chapter 15: Oh, geez. I feel for Carter. Dream, set him up with Rose or something, I’m suddenly so sad. Carter is such a great guy. DAMN IT, BILLY! There are only two chapters of this left, how are you messing things up, man? Oh, wait. MERMAID! Oh, I just remembered that these two CREEP ME OUT. Jesus, Billy. That’s not romantic, man. Skittles and Billy need professional help, my GOD;

Chapter 16: Poor Carter. I’m not really a beach kind of person, but I’m glad Skittles and Billy are happy in a remote location. “BEYONCÉ TAUGHT ME BETTER”, THIS IS THE BEST QUOTE OF THIS SERIES, I’M DEAD! Awn, the gallery is so cute! I love it! OH NO! Rawlings. Of course you needed to give us on last plot twist, why am I surprised? EXCUSE ME, HOW DARE YOU? YOU WRITE AN EPILOGUE OR SOMETHING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK.

I just...

Of the new series I haven’t started yet, how could I not begin with Crown of Hearts? After how much I loved Faint of Heart there is a sequel? GIMME! Let’s break this down chapter by chapter (again, I had to edit my comments, because they were just too long):

Chapter 1: OMG I’M SO EXCITED. Ah, Queenie’s childhood was so sad, I’m glad she won’t let the same happen to her children. EITR, THE BEST FALCON, I MISSED YOU! The domesticity between Ivar, Queenie and Ragnar, I can’t. It’s too cute. BJOR AND BREE! I missed them too! And Gala and Hvitty. Where’s Ubbe? And Torvi? Btw, I don’t trust any of these new people;

Chapter 2: “Baby shark”. I’m gonna laugh every time I see that. “BWE” OMG! I LOVE THAT! Oh, yes! Flashbacks! I love those. Ok, I’m warming up to this Osmond guy, but I still don’t know if I trust him. Threats everywhere, they really can’t catch a break, huh? STOP EVERYTHING, ERIC the love of my life IS HERE! I am so ready for more Eric content. Can he fall in love with that dog loving shieldmaiden of the headcanons now, please? WAIT, QUEENIE, DON’T LEAVE! I WANT MORE ERIC CONTENT! NO! ERIC, FOLLOW HER! That was cruel, Dream. Wow, those rumors about Queenie. People sure are creative in defeat (burn people from her home country, burn). QUEENIE IS A LEGEND PEOPLE, YOU TELL THIS RAYDON GUY;

Chapter 3: They are really talking about teaching poisons and swordfight to a baby? Of course they are. Oh, they’re waiting until he’s seven. That’s better. I hate Queenie’s mother. Such a vile woman. Ok, I like Osmond. Can we keep him? Make him fall in love with a Viking girl! Or boy! I see him falling in love with someone rather clumsy. I ship it already. “Who did Ivar kill?” AHAHAH I LOVE THEM. It will happen, guys. But oh well;

Chapter 4: I love them all ganging up to tease Hvitty. Poor guy, but still. It’s so entertaining. DAMN BREE, WAY TO GET ME EXCITED LIKE QUEENIE OVER NOTHING! I want this wedding, damnit! But, sure, go off on a raid instead, I guess. “THE BJOR INFLUENCE” AND “IT’S LIKE A CURSE” I’M SCREAMING AHAHHA. Ok, Bree, you convinced me. Go chase your freedom. Excuse me, but WHO THE FUCK TOOK BABY RAGNAR? I’LL END YOU;

Chapter 5: Bree is a godsend. Bless her heart. Taking care of Queenie during this mess. This entire situation is awful, btw. That was MEAN, Queenie! This fandom has raised you better! OH THEY FOUND HIM, THANK YOU! Queenie scares me sometimes, but I guess this time those guys had it coming;

Chapter 6: Queenie is gonna have to make up to Ivar, sorry I don’t make the rules. HVITTY CALLS GALA “MY HEART”, EXCUSE ME THIS IS TOO SWEET! DAMN, Hvitty. Tell us how you really feel. But, yes, I guess Queenie needed to hear that little comment about Edgard. Bree is so smart, I stan. Why are you being shady right after I decided I like you, Osmond? Please explain yourself.

I’m loving this. I missed this gang so much. The only thing lacking in Crown of Hearts is more Eric content. How dare you show him for like two seconds and then NEVER AGAIN? You’re torturing me here, Dream. But ah, I want to know more about what is going on in Kattegat. I don’t trust a whole bunch of people, but, well, can’t say I’m surprised about that. CAN’T WAIT TO READ MORE!

I literally squealed with glee when I saw that you were writing for Bucky. Untouchable is the one I was the most excited about reading. And the best part? I already have 7 chapters to binge! And I am obviously going to tell you my you guessed it, edited thoughts on them:

Chapter 1: I’m liking this setting! The 1940s, what a twist for most of Bucky fics out there, this is great. And Y/N is already so interesting! AH, HI BUCKY, I LOVE YOU! I love flustered Bucky. This feels like they are star-crossed lovers, separated by their “places” in “society” and I am HERE for it;

Chapter 2: OMG SHE’S IMAGINING BUCKY, YES! I already ship them so hard, I s2g. This Charles guy, I don’t like him. I bet he is a Hydra double agent. Who sent her the flowers? Does Y/N have a stalker? I’m worried. OMG, HI LITTLE TINY STEVE! The alley scene broke my heart, thanks;

Chapter 3: Wait. Bucky and Y/N are sneaking around? What happened? Did I skip a chapter? Did we skip time and I didn’t notice? Like, I’m glad and all, but still. AH, it was a dream. I see. Rude. And on that note, Shirley is rude too. Oh, not now, Charles! Go away! Y/N and Bucky were having a moment. Oh, there’s bad blood between Bucky and Charles, I see. Interesting. “If you knew half of the things he did, you would have nothing to do with him”. Bucky, darling, do you really think Y/N has a choice? Men are so obtuse, my god;

Chapter 4: “And sooner or later he would get mean, all of them did” I AM CRYING! This is terrible. Y/N must have had a very difficult life. And her current situation isn’t really any better. LITTLE TINY STEVE TO THE RESCUE! I stan. Steve also ships it, welcome aboard, buddy. And, Y/N is in denial. I would argue that a broth is never just a broth. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I LIKE YOU THOMAS! He ships it too and he has no idea who is the other half of the ship. Bucky sees the real her, I can’t- “There’s nobody” and I am deceased;

Chapter 5: Daydreaming about Bucky Barnes? I sure can relate. NOPE, Linda! Don’t even think about it! And she thought about it. Argh. But who cares about that when we have Bucky and Y/N being their ADORABLE selves? Bucky, my sweet summer child, you are so fucked. You will be happy eventually, but Hydra, man. Brace yourself for the next 50 years. THE KISS! THIS MOMENT WAS SO SWEET! OMG, I’M DEAD! This was so perfect. So of course Y/N had to run away. Thanks. LINDA I’M GONNA KILL YOU! AND CHARLES IS NEXT! Y/N get OUT of there;

Chapter 6: I need to know. Are the bruises a regular thing with Charles or did she do something that made him angry? I feel like it’s the former. I don’t like it. WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID YOU SIGN THE CONTRACT, Y/N? I hate you, Linda. And you, Charles. OH MY GOD, BUCKY IS THERE! He is the best person ever, so soft. Someone get me a Bucky. Omg, tell him, Y/N! Why don’t you people ever communicate? This is driving me crazy;

Chapter 7: Do NOT ruin this for us, Shirley! Don’t tell a single soul! Or else I’m putting you on my hit list. Y/N and Bucky are going on a date and I am SO excited. Hey, Ruth? Do NOT ruin this for us! Go away. “I want you to trust me first” and my soul has left the earthly realm for I am deceased. Again.

Ok, I’m loving this? I don’t want it to EVER end! Bucky is perfect, Y/N is so interesting and Shirley is also pretty great. I hope she does find true love eventually. But that General guy… I don’t trust him. At all. I’m also pretty sure he’s Hydra and things will get really ugly for both Bucky and Y/N. And given your recent history with Once a Year, I’m not really sure we’ll have a happy ending, so thanks for that. I obviously CAN’T WAIT TO READ MORE!

Now, Burn It Down has nothing to do with FoH and CoH, but it was influenced by The Last Kingdom? I’m sold. (Like I always am when it comes to your writing, as you’re probably aware, but oh well). I obviously read all three chapters and here are my thoughts (edited, as I’m sure you know by now):

Chapter 1: That was a creepy way to start a story. Like, first paragraph and I’m already kinda creeped out, thanks. Hmm, the animal heart bit? We’re not in Kansas anymore, I guess. But I’m intrigued. She doesn’t trust men what a mood, very smart of her. I like her. She’s creepy, but I like her. What happened in Ivar’s tent two nights ago? Ok, I’m intrigued;

Chapter 2: I’m liking Y/N’s and Ivar’s dynamic. It’s fun to see them getting acquainted with each other and figuring out how to deal with this little situation they have going on. Ok, but why is she helping Ivar? Like, yeah, their destinies are entwined or whatever, but he’s so rude. I’d tell him to go to hell, honestly. He’d have to earn my help;

Chapter 3: Well, Hvitty is obviously the brother that will be forgotten. Poor guy, but oh well. At least forgotten doesn’t mean he won’t have a good life. Now, the brother who “shall be the victor” is Ubbe and the “tragedy” one is Ivar, because of course. Also because I don’t accept anything bad happening to my sweet puppy Ubbe. But like, “victor” of what? This is so vague. This Y/N and Skittles would be good friends.

Ok, I’m intrigued! Not sure how I feel about Y/N yet, but I think she’ll be more like Skittles than Queenie. I’m ready for that! This fic has a different atmosphere than the ones I’m used to see in your writing, but I’m liking it so far. Obviously can’t wait to read more.

So, there you have it! Hope you liked it and I promise I won’t disappear on you again!

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noccalula-writes · 5 years ago

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What are your favorite games and franchises? Top 5?

OH BOY have I got feelings on this subject.

Please keep in mind - I’m a storyteller and a writer. I fucking /love/ a good story. I DM a DnD game and my biggest weakness is that I don’t often include enough combat because I am so much more interested in telling a story. So for me, there’s got to be an emotional investment for a game to really land. I also hyperfixate like a motherfucker so I often refuse to pick up new things purely because there’s not enough space in my head for them at the time, so I’m slow getting to things as they come out.

So, I’m first and foremost a survival horror bitch. I cut my teeth on Parasite Eve before I played any others - my mother scrimped and saved and fought her way through Wal-mart back in like 1998 to get me the original Playstation gaming console and Tekken 2 (which was my first PS game, I played it in an arcade near her barber shop as a child - Tomb Raider 2 was my second). The old Playstation discs at that time came with demos for different games, including Metal Gear Solid, which I replayed until I could have done it in my sleep because poverty meant I wasn’t likely to get another game anytime soon. I mention this because the Parasite Eve trailer used to give me nightmares but I was super, super hooked.

I am a huge Silent Hill fan. Huge. That is a tragedy I could write a whole ‘nother post about, because as excited as I am to finally get my hands on Death Stranding (again, poverty, so it’ll be another minute before we can get a PS4), we’ll never get another SH game again unless some major reconciliation happens with Kojima and Konami, which is unlikely (and also hard to hope for - I’m happy Kojima now has the creative freedom to go as balls to the wall as he wants).

I am an equally huge Resident Evil fan. I’ve always maintained that my first fandom was The X Files, but my wife pointed out a few nights ago that my RE love started around the same time in the late 90′s, so now it’s a chicken and egg kind of thing. Point being, it’s either The or One Of my longest lasting fandoms/interests. RE and Silent Hill get compared to one another a lot - RE7 did nothing to help that - but they really are apples and oranges to me. Fruit, sure, but two totally different tones and experiences.

I’ve been a huge Tomb Raider fan for forever - my first high school boyfriend was loaded and bought me Angel of Darkness to come play at his house and while it was def critically panned, I do recall enjoying it - so that’s been fun to get those games remade with updated graphics. I’ve only played the one but the others are def on The List.

So now that I’ve talked for an hour, my Top 5 fave games ever -

#1 - Resident Evil 3 I am beyond jazzed for this remake, and a lot of people in the 90′s complained about RE3′s lack of clear cut boss battles, but I don’t know what they’re talking about. The entire fucking game is a boss battle - Jill vs. Raccoon City, and of course, Nemesis, who used to give my mother nightmares and caused me to sleep with a leaf-stabber by my bed for years. Jill is far and away my favorite protagonist in RE; she’s got a resilience of the spirit that somehow isn’t conflated with naivety, which is uncommon in ‘nice’ female protags. She’s savvy but she’s still kind, and she’s committed as fuck to survival - not to mention, as zealotous a Chris and Jill shipper as I am, she and Carlos had hella chemistry and I’m excited to see where that goes (JD Pardo would have made a fuck of a Carlos Oliviera, btw). It was An Experience and it’s forever at my #1.

#2 - The Last of Us

There is no comparison for emotional weight in video games, as far as I’m concerned. SPOILERS if you don’t already know the ending (this game came out in what, 2014?) but to me one of the biggest thing in the game’s favor is that the protagonist made the wrong choice. He had an option to potentially eradicate the cordyceps fungus and maybe save the world, turn the tides back for humanity, and with the weight of the world in the balance, he chose to save Ellie instead. It was, on a global scale, the wrong choice - but it was the human choice. It was the thing that a dad who never properly grieved his dead daughter would do for the surrogate daughter he inherited by accident. As for Ellie, there is no other character quite like her in games, and she’s fucking quality LGBT representation, especially considering how little we see queer children in media. I still cry every time, we play this game twice a year like clockwork and every single time, I still cry.

#3 - Silent Hill 3

All of SH’s games will have a special place in my heart - and if you wanna talk shit about Downpour, I’ll meet you in the Denny’s parking lot at 11, you better square the fuck up because I will defend Murphy with fists - but 3 is the best, hands down. I felt like it did the best job of streamlining the series’ ... uhm... somewhat complicated lore into something more understandable. SPOILERS: The villains are horrific - the Missionaries strike fear into my heart every time I play, and Claudia eating a miscarried god fetus to become god herself? Fucked up on a level you rarely see. I suppose if you didn’t catch it in the last sentence - your protag Heather vomits up a fetal god late in the game. Yes, you read that right. The best thing about this game though? Heather. I could climb up my feminist soapbox and talk about Heather as a subversion to video game tropes all fucking day - she’s a nonsexualized teenage girl whose father is killed for her character development. She’s self-sufficient, tough but still vulnerable, and hard as nails in a fight. As I might have mentioned a time or six, she also voluntarily aborts a god because Fuck Your Plans, She’s Got Her Own.

#4 - Final Fantasy X

Listen. I don’t know how much of this is because of actually enjoying playing the game and how much of it is emotional attachment. As most of you who follow me know, my mother died when I was sixteen. When I was about fourteen, I dated a rich kid who used to bring his PS2 to our very not-rich house and play games for us to watch - the sort of neophyte version of Watching Guys Play Videogames, if you will, which is another rant for another time. He got a Gamecube specifically so I could play RE Zero and Hunter The Reckoning. He was a neckbeard but he was also desperate to keep me from ditching so he did the smart thing and plied my very poor ass with money and food. The #1 game in the watching roster, though, was FFX - and if you know anything about the game, you know how heavily spirituality features into the story. My mother, very caught up in a very Eastern Philosphy Meets Quantum Physics internal seeking about the nature of things, was hooked from the word Go. She used to sit and watch Trey play for hours - we all did, but having her join us and love it that much? Wonderful. Half my memories of this game are both of us crying - crying when Yuna dances to send the souls, crying when Yuna reveals she’s on a suicide mission, crying when she and Tidus fall in love anyway, crying when she sends her Aeons to die in the final fight, crying over ‘the fayts are waking up’, crying when the big reveal about Auron comes up, crying crying crying. My wife bought it in 2011 and I watched her play through it again and while it suffers from the same issue as all FF games - too much filler and weird battle scenarios - it was cathartic. I miss my mom.

#5 - Resident Evil 6

Eat my entire ass. You already knew this was coming. I will defend this game to my grave for the fact that we have complex, interesting narratives surrounding female characters who have actual personalities. Was it perfect? No. Did it take RE out of horror territory and move it more into action? Woefully, yes. Is this series deeply problematic for where it chooses to set down your mostly-white protags and have them kill their way through? Big time. Don’t gloss those facts. But it’s got emotional punch in spades and a few weird character breaks that ended up being kind of brilliant - Chris has been so resiliently relentless in his fight against bioterrorism that a major PTSD break was inevitable. Leon would of course risk life and limb to help Helena, even though she implicated herself in something terrible. The icing on the cake to me was a grown up Sherry Birkin, wide eyed and believing like hell in the fight she thought she was on the right side of and getting knocked down only to get back up. Ada’s entire side campaign was brilliant. I hate some of the control choices they made in this game - the running from the Haos scenes near the end of Chris and Piers’ campaign makes me want to eat my own fist - but so it goes with most RE games (until RE4, moving your protag was like driving a tank). Jake and Sherry are My Unsinkable Ship. There are at least six scenes across this game that never get easier to watch - when the bomb hits the city and the cut scene of the mass infections begin, I still get sick to my stomach - and that, to me, is the mark that this game struck a hell of a chord in terms of storytelling.

This was long.

#noccalula answers #this was fucking long #ask and ye shall receive #vidja games

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jotink78 · 7 years ago

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Tag Game

Rules: Tag some people you want to get to know better. I was tagged by the lovely @waywardlodging hanks hon!

This one is kind of long, so I’m gonna put it under a cut. ;)

Appearance: I’m five foot four, and rock my curves. I have blue eyes and hair that is constantly changing. It’s got natural curl to it, but if I keep brushing it while it’s wet, it will dry fairly straight; if I don’t brush it at all after I shower, and put in my curl cream, it is nice and curly. I love it! It’s naturally a medium brown, but I haven’t been my natural color in years. I like to play with my hair a lot...I’ve been about every shade under the rainbow - blond, various shades of brown and red, plus had streaks/highlights of pink, royal blue, plum, and teal. Right now, it’s two tone - reddish brown at the roots that goes into a dark purple. Next time I think I’m going to do a medium dark blue with plum streaks. Or do a dark purple with violet and lavender highlights...or... who knows!

Personality: I am a massive introvert. With my friends, I sometimes get in a chatty mood, especially if your talking about a passion of mine (SPN, Tolkien, music, books, quilting, painting, etc). And I can enjoy the occasional party or club, but I need time afterwards to decompress alone. Hubs and I have a standing rule that at least one weekend a quarter I get a pajama weekend, where I don’t leave the house or have company. I just get to be quiet, watching tv, reading/writing, or crafting by myself. He goes out with his friends or maybe has them over on the main level while I’m in my craft room in the basement. I’m also fiercely loyal to friends and family, and I’m a great listener.

Ability: I’m creative and a great researcher. I’m also good at editing and proofreading, which comes in very handy at my job.

If there was one ability I wish I had, it would be the ability to speak any dialect of any language in the universe - kind of like having the Tardis in your head, except it wouldn’t translate everything into English, I’d just immediately know their language and be able to speak it as well. This includes conversing with animals!

Hobbies: Reading and writing are my two main hobbies. I’ve been doing both since I was a child and I still love it to this day. I’m also a crafty person - and I was thrilled when Hubs built me a craft room last year. I love to quilt - both regular style and rag style. And I like to paint/draw. Chalk pastels and acrylics are currently my favorite mediums, though I did take some watercolor lessons while I was on a cruise last month, so I will probably branch out and start playing with those soon. I have oil paints (they came with an artists’ set) but I have no idea how to use them yet (anyone out there know a good tutorial?). I also make jewelry and seasonal/holiday wreaths on occasion. I’d love to learn how to knit or crochet, but I need another hobby like a hole in the head.

A completely separate, but no less fun hobby - Hubs and I are both certified Advanced Open Water scuba divers. When we lived in Arkansas, we were only thirty minutes away from a wonderful diving lake, and we’d go almost every weekend. We also dive on our vacations - we’ve had dives in Cozumel (#1 place to dive so far), and Hawaii.

Experiences: I like how Josephine shared one negative and one positive experience, and I think I’ll do the same. I’ll start with the negative and end with the positive.

Hubs and I have tried for children for eight and a half years now with no luck. A few years ago, we decided to became foster parents. My best friend was fostering two sisters, ages 2 and 3. We’d known the girls for months, and they spent lots of time at our house, spending the night and having fun. We let my BF know to let the case worker know if they ended up having parental rights terminated, we wanted to adopt them (BF was only fostering - she was not feeling a call to adopt). The case worker agreed and told us the foster parents of the girls’ brothers wanted to adopt the boys. So it looked like everything was good to go and we prepared for the arrival of our daughters. Two days before the TPR hearing was set, we were told that the family of the boys’ were now petitioning to adopt all four children. We knew the judge would attempt to keep siblings together whenever possible. Sure enough, the other family adopted them. We found out later that they truly only intended to adopt the boys, but were told by an unethical adoption worker that if they didn’t adopt all four, they would get the boys taken away - which was completely untrue on more than one level. That particular worker has since been fired for his actions - but we still lost our girls.

Now for one of many, many wonderful experiences while being a foster parent. Our first official placement was two days before Halloween, 2014 - a little girl we called Boo on social media. Boo was almost two and a half, and she was a sweet, quiet little thing. We had her for a while and she never really spoke or initiated physical contact/hugs (there was NO abuse in her case, btw). One day in December, I woke her up and was pulling her out clothes for the day, and I heard her sweet little voice say “Mama” and felt her little arms around my leg. Y’all, I dropped her off at daycare and then bawled my eyes out. She was able to go back home to her mother late that April, and her family and I have stayed in touch ever since.

My life: Hmmm....not sure what to say for this one. I’ve had a pretty good life overall. My parents are my rocks. And this year, they’ve both had massive health scares and ended up in the hospital several days. They are amazing people and they raised my (twin) brother and I to be thoughtful, compassionate people, with a strong faith in Jesus. I was baptized when I was eleven, and one of my favorite things to do now is going to my core group meetings once a week with five other ladies from my church. My family is one of the most important things to me - my mom was one of 12 and dad one of 4, so I have lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins, whom I love very much. And that’s not even counting Hub’s family - he was his mother’s only child, but with divorce and remarriages, between his half-siblings and his step-siblings, he is now one of 8!

I thought for a long, long time I was never going to find someone to love me. I never really dated in high school - had one “boyfriend” that wasn’t really a boyfriend for a month or so. Even in college, I didn’t really date. Though I had a lot of guy friends - I was “one of the guys” a lot. One of them, I can honestly say was my first love, but it never worked out (we are still friends though). I was 27 before I met Hubs, ironically through a friend of mine who was dating him at the time. She told me he wasn’t for her, but she thought we’d be a good match. She was dead on. We’d only been dating four months when he proposed, and we married less than eleven months after we met - and celebrated ten years last month!

Random Stuff: I have five furry babies - three dogs: Drago (Drake), a 12 year old shepherd/pit mix; Panda, a 10 year old shepherd/pit/corgi mix, and Drake’s daughter, and Heidi, a 2.5 year old full blooded Australian Shepherd; and two cats: Tahoe, a 13 year old tabby, and Chloe, a 5 year old muted calico.

Tagging anyone who wants to participate, along with @sdavid09 and @winchesterprincessbride and @impala-dreamer and @life-is-righteous, cause I’m curious as to what they’d say. ;)

#tag game #get to know me

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rust-en-orde · 5 years ago

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and in the name of love, she’s coming back.

although it’s fairly confusing to point out the only one thing that CL lacks to make her own breakthrough in the US impossible, because duh, she has everything upon her sleeve, I think we can come to a final conclusion that it’d be good management.

what else does a leader of 2NE1, one of the pioneers in K-pop whose influence and contribution could never be denied since 2009, conceivably not have, unless a company with at least a functional brain which will let their artists release a goddamn album? y’all tell me.

the fact she’s from YG Entertainment (the shittiest company in South Korea, fyi only tho, just in case you’re clueless) had been the prominent reason for all the widespread frustrations growing from both important parties in this case (CL and her loyal fandom, GZB) since 2015.

2015 was like the perfect timing for her grand entry to the US, wasn’t it? her swaggering single ‘Hello Bitches’ was getting massive recognition, the high anticipation from both the general public and GZBs was rising higher than ever. not to mention her extensive connection! the relationship with all peeps from another side of the world that she builds throughout the years was beneficially helping to spread her brand out as an all-around rookie singer who’s more than ready to pull off ‘CL paves the way for Asian artists debuting in the US’ card.

and here’s the most ridiculous joke of the decade; instead of dropping a ton of remarkable albums which she has worked on either in South Korea or the US, all she could have was a longass hiatus after the release of her debut single ‘Lifted’ (which I always think as a mere warm-up song lol) in 2016.

can y’all imagine that?

she’s a top-notch performer. her number one mission has always been to stun everyone the moment she’s stepping on stage. she was one of two artists that being asked to represent South Korea at the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympic closing ceremony and she ate the whole stadion alive.

imagine being none but a literal idiot for wasting her unmatched talents, her golden age, her unstoppable stage presence? I simply can’t be one because nah that certain level of stupidity is beyond my ability.

another painful story is, as many as GZBs who decided to faithfully stay and wait for her music, there was also a large number of them who heavily chose to leave. if you’re starting to wonder who to blame, whose fault is it? well, to be frankly honest, no one (it’s YG Entertainment’s fault tho but I had enough talking about that garbage so).

let me break the situation down for you.

she couldn’t release any song she have produced by herself, she’s basically getting locked up. the desperation was painfully too much to be borne, both for herself and GZBs. dozens of new groups get to debut every year. they’re fresh and young, they have a dozen of chances to promote their songs frequently, to showcase their capabilities. and how’s CL doing? what exactly has she been up to? not even one single fleeting glimpse existed. GZBs were left by confusion, were hanging by only futile hope to listen to her new album which seemed wouldn’t be getting released anytime soon. inevitably, some chose to leave yet the rest wanted to stay. they, whose commendable persistence, truly did.

when the news of her departure from that sexist company broke out in November 2019, following the announcement of the ‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’ release (in less than a month since she left that broke agency, a glo up I aspire to have tbh) there was a huge relief within me. yes, solely a relief.

there was no scene of weeping a bucket of tears, or more extreme, an agonizingly painful blow within my chest, just like when they announced 2NE1’s disbandment three years ago. picture that as a twinge of irony, because it felt like years ago since the last time I could be just free of worry towards any news coming from K-pop artists I love (and in general tho tbh, 2019 is not definitely the best year of K-pop). that time, I couldn’t resist to pat my head and, if I may add, to give myself the highest praise for making a good decision. yes, hon, once in a lifetime. hashtag I’m indecisive and I knew it.

��smart of you to not ever forget her, to never have any slightest thought for leaving the fandom, to simply stay,” I told myself.

‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’, a meaningful gift for her friends and GZBs. but above all, a thoughtful letter written by herself to herself which for the most part saying that it’s always okay to start all over again.

it’s an extended play (EP) that contains six songs in total and every two tracks will be dropped in one week. she just released the first two songs, +DONE161201+ and +REWIND170205+, and the responses are nothing but hearty applause. oh anyway, the numbers in each song correspond with the date when the songs were written, as if it’s a kind of diary that depicted her feelings over that time.

in spite of the fact that it’s written 3 years ago, ‘Done’ is an enjoyable and super catchy bop. it’s like a peaceful break-up anthem, something that you can claim as rare topic because recent break-up songs outhere are mostly about the wounded pain and sleepless nights (SHOUTOUT TO AKMU’S HOW CAN I LOVE THE HEARTBREAK WHEN YOU’RE THE ONE I LOVE they can have all the waters from my eyes I truly don’t mind). the lyrics are very straight-forward (which I appreciate the most) and somehow I can’t help but squeezing out some memories from my teenager days by listening to it religiously.

“don’t hit me up

don’t show up on me

the one who left me

baby boy, that was you

please don’t hit me up

don’t call me

I told you that you would regret this, you fool”

2NE1 was widely known for their empowering songs back then, remember? you are allowed to have a sort of vague or even a clear-cut distaste towards the songs they made in their peak of career, but you definitely can’t disregard the truth that they’re effin good at conveying “you broke up with me so you better get your ass out and never come back to me and say you regret everything because duh boy adios” message. been a devoted Blackjack (2NE1’s fandom name) since 2010, it’s just really delightful for me to finally hear their distinctive sound again in newer production provided by the leader. if any of you are in desperate need of a clean break-up jam, Done is a decent choice. btw my personal favorite part of the song is:

“tears I shed for you is my last gift for you

what’s done is done”

(IT’S WAY TOO RELATEABLE I,,)

moving on to the second track, ‘Rewind’ aka a song that turned me into a miserable mess the first second I listened to it. I’m not a genius in music and its magical pieces of stuff but it doesn’t take a genius either to understand the meaning of this song is THAT deep.

“where did we go wrong? I don’t know

it’s too late to say goodbye

let’s try solving this unpromising puzzle

you don’t wanna let me go, me neither

the curtain between us

open it up and let’s rewind”

I think she’s like talking to herself. she’s questioning why everything is falling apart, why things aren’t right in the first place. then after dealing with not-so-momentary confusion and hesitation, she came up with a decision that she only had to go back to the beginning and start over. and it may not be the easiest thing to be done, but even so it’s not a serious problem because she knows that she’s more than capable of proving herself, that she’s never alone along every step in another big journey ahead of her. I’d say ‘Rewind’ is a very encouraging song, it feels so uplifting to be heard on your heavy days.

also, the music videos for both songs are quite personal and emotionally soul-stirring. she produced the video by herself hence you can easily notice the simplicity and creativity she carried on there. one thing that ought to be highlighted is the people who were shown in the music videos. they are her closest friends slash constant supports which are playing an irreplaceable part in her life, especially when times were rough for her with all US debut preparation and everything. on a lighter note, I’m profoundly thankful to know she’s never alone while facing all hardships she got to encounter, that she’d never be obligated to dissemble her feelings because she’s surrounded by her own people who are always all ears for her.

to sum everything up, ‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’ is a heartwarming start.

it’s not the main release for her high-anticipated return to the music scene, but instead, it brings a long-awaited comfort to the table as if she’s saying “hey fam guess what? I’m still here, I won’t ever give up, let’s do it now” to GZBs. her previous agency had done nothing but ruined her chances to make everything big on time and as now she’s no longer prisoned (I sound so bitter ok I know), I simply can’t wait to see what she got in store and am beyond ready to give my utmost support for a ton of albums she will be releasing from now on.

4 years filled only with the long stretches of waiting have passed, and that, surely not in a blink of an eye. but somehow, she made it. so did GZBs.

welcome back, CL. been long time, hasn’t it?

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rosalietodd013 · 7 years ago

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Forever (Part 9): First Heartbreak

Summary: The reader takes a trip down memory lane that makes her realize that being alone in the cabin might not have been the best idea. But will someone from her past convince her otherwise?

Warnings: angst, thoughts of suicide, hopelessness

Word Count: 4,808

Catch Up on the rest of the story: Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE, Part 3 HERE, Part 4 HERE, Part 5 HERE, Part 6 HERE, Part 7 HERE, Part 8 HERE

EMERGENCY A/N: READ THE A/N AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER. IT IS IMPARITIVE TO THE FATE OF THE STORY.

A/N: The journal entries in this chapter are not all of the entries the reader wrote about. As time goes on, there will be more that tie into future chapters, I just chose ones that followed past events that you guys have already heard about, and some that go along with this chapter or the next one.

Song Title: Loosely based off First Heartbreak by Tori Kelly. If you have ever heard the song, you’ll figure that out. The title is basically symbolism for what the reader has gone through and the source of her pain.

BTW: There are always GIFs and pictures for each chapter that you can either see on wattpad or Tumblr.

For the first little while, I keep myself as composed as I can. The first day, naturally, I explore the rest of the cabin to see what there is to see. First I find out that the places is a lot bigger and has a lot more to do than I first thought. Apparently, there is an indoor swimming pool on the bottom floor across the hall from a home theater. I really underestimated Angelina’s wealth and creativity before. She really goes all out on her safe houses. More like resort to me.

I also find an armory with a plethora of guns, knives, bottles of what I think is holy water, and an endless supply of ammo. It almost seems like she was trying to prepare for the end of the world. The Apocolypse, I would be so bold to say if I hadn’t know something like that was bound to never happen. Who would be dumb enough to start something like that, monsters or humans?

Over the next couple weeks, I start my day with a swim before going to the library to do my final few online classes, then research some to see if there are any hunts near me in order to stay sane and keep up a regular routine. I don’t know if I should be happy or disappointed when my searches turn up fruitless, so my studies keep me occupied for the time being. A part of me actually misses the assholes from all the schools we used to go to.

After my brother had left us, we didn’t have to worry about staying in a town longer than mandatory for a hunt. I didn’t have to worry about getting up at a particular time every day – besides the designated times Dad had Dean and I get up for morning training. I didn’t have to worry about getting adjusted to a new school or being deemed the school’s new freak.

Life wasn’t perfect, but it was a weight off my shoulders, especially since I didn’t have to experience all the same things as my brothers when they were my age in school.

The only good thing I know I’ll miss about going to public school is that I’ll never get to experience a lot of the best things about school like them too. Like I’ll never get to go to senior prom; that;s just a few short months away too. I won’t be able to formally compete for valedictorian, something I’m close to being online, but it’s not the same. I’ll never get a shot at a high school sweetheart – someone that isn't a member of my family – who would make me forget my first heartbreak. Someone who I might’ve felt comfortable enough to share my first time with.

But most of that doesn’t bother me anymore. Sure, when I was in my sophomore year I dreamed of what I would get to do during my senior year like most people. Senior skip day and senior prank day were the most anticipated for me because of Sam and Dean’s.

For Dean’s senior prank, he went into the principle’s office and took out all the bolts and screws in his desk and put superglue in his chair. I was still in middle school at the time, but Mr. Maclock had a habit of sitting on his desk during morning announcements on TV, and Dean got me a video; the way the man fell when the desk collapsed underneath him was HI-larious because he wasn’t a small man.

We were out of town before he was able to pinpoint it back to Dean –not that he ever had a doubt Dean wasn’t the culprit. He didn’t have any definitive proof that pointed to my brother. He was always causing trouble at every school he went to, with the girls or teachers sometimes both, all in one, but he loved to fuck with that particular principle for some reason.

Then there was Sam’s senior skip day. We were staying in Howell Township, New Jersey at the time; Dad and Dean had been hunting a pack of werewolves with another group of hunters because apparently, this particular pack had over 30 wolves in it. After Dad and Dean had left after dropping me off at Howell High, Sam came back to get me in the Impala – the oldest Winchesters having ridden with some of the other hunters; let me tell you, Dean almost killed Sam when he found out he had been driving what we all know was his future ‘Baby’ –and chose to take me to Six Flags: Great Adventure.

Because it was so close to summer vacation and graduation for the senior class of 2002, the park was hot and packed, but I didn’t mind. We got to ride every ride in the park, not something everyone can say they’ve done, plus Kingda Ka, twice. It was one of those rare days that we could be a couple without the fear of someone recognizing us – e.i Dad and Dean. There was a photo booth, and we were the clique couple that went in and took goofy pictures. On the last one, I kissed him, the rush of the day overtaking me, and it had to be my favorite picture of all. Both of us got a copy of the strip, and to this day I keep mine in a journal I write in because I wanted it to be something I could keep close to me without the fear that Dad or Dean might see it. By the end of the day, we exhausted beyond belief, and both Dean and Dad chewed us out for vanishing without telling them, but it was the best day of my life.

The more I think about it now, Sam probably did that on purpose, knowing that it would be the last time the two of us would spend that kind of time together for a while. If ever again.

I should have seen it coming. How excited he was when he got me out of AP Calculus. His smile was broad and genuine, but there was something else there that I couldn’t pinpoint at the time. But now I realize it was sadness, guilt even. When he spoke, his words held so much joy and happiness though; it was contagious. I pushed that hidden emotion to the back of my mind because I thought it was nothing and that Sam was just happy that the two of us didn’t get to spend enough time together, and that we finally were.

It was always Sam, Dean, and I when Sam started his senior year. Dad didn’t do that intentionally, there just seemed to be so many more hunts and so much going on that the time, like all the monsters decided that that was the time to come out and do whatever they felt like. Sometimes Dean would leave Sam and I to help Dad with the tougher hunts, not that either of us minded, and they would both be gone from a few days to a few weeks at a time. Rarely would they call Sam out to help, and when it did happen it was sporadic, and one of them would be back to check on me every night.

January of 2002, the January Sam left, things slowed down, and Dad and Dean were around more than ever it seemed. Almost to the point where we were all annoyingly close in our small, cramped motel rooms. So when Sam offered to take me out for a little while on a date to one of the best amusement parks in the country, I was out of my seat and halfway to the office before Mrs. Brooks even got my whole name out through the intercom system.

That all feels like a lifetime ago now, almost three years in May. When I take my journal out of my bag and look at the strip of pictures Sam and I took at Six Flags, I look at our happy, smiling faces, the faces of a couple who planned to be together forever, sealed with a kiss that promised just as much and so much more. At that point, I realize that was a lifetime ago and the good times only last so long. People eventually have to grow up and move onto greener pastures and more beautiful, more practical relationships. But some are stuck in the past, living in the happiness of a past long forgotten.

I don’t realize I’m crying until my tears hit the photos in my hands, but I don’t stop them or try to be strong this time. I just let them fall until the pain in my chest goes away.

What was I thinking? This pain is never going away. It’s been with me for too long. It’s a part of me. That part of me that just can’t seem to let him go. And I can’t let him go. I just have to keep moving, doing things to help take my mind off him. Huh, how well has that worked in the past?

I continue with the same routine of schoolwork and research during this time until my classes end, and with online classes being different from on-campus classes, they are over in January as opposed to May or June like most traditional high schools. When this happens, I don’t know what to do with my newfound free time.

I walk around the cabin aimlessly most of the time, not knowing what to do with myself until I can’t anymore and choose to wander the surrounding woods. I discover a lake about a half mile from the cabin, and I know this is going to be the place I spend my time from now on.

Something about the place feels, I don’t know, light? It doesn’t make me feel better per say. I guess it’s just being in a new place. Don’t get me wrong, the cabin is huge and beautiful with so much to do, but I don’t feel like any of those walls, rooms with TVs with cable that I never turn on – not even just the basic channels either – or the seemingly endless supply of both lore and pleasure books in the library can make me forget the pain I feel.

I’ve been here for almost five months now; it’s getting around the time for warm weather clothes, so hours spent at the lake get longer and longer. I don’t do anything for the longest while I’m there either. I get up, maybe take a shower, then go down to the water – I choose to give up searching for new hunts as well as swimming a while ago because I don’t feel the need to anymore – maybe with an apple or something.

While I am there, I find myself looking out at the water from my position on the beach, just watching as if something amazing would happen. The most entertainment I find there comes when ducks or geese swarm over the water, fighting over whatever breakfast they find. Whenever that isn't happening, I get lost in my thoughts about my past, the things I’ve tried so damn hard to push away, trying to imagine they never happened. Sometimes I’m not fazed by these thoughts, others I can’t help sobbing at the beauty and tragedy known as my past.

Eventually, when the emotions are so tangled and indistinguishable from one another, I realize that this feeling is somewhat similar to something I felt when I was younger. I was scared and confused with everything I was going through with school and my feelings for Sam that I needed to emit some of those pent up and jumbled emotions without anyone else being affected or knowing. So I took some of the money that Dad left for the three of us when he went on a hung and bought myself a journal.

I haven't felt the desire to write in a while. Not with everything going on in the past few years. I use to write in it all the time when my family was whole; I practically wrote something own every day. Typical journal stuff.

April 1, 1997

Dear Diary,

Sammy and I came up with this hilarious prank for Dad and Dean. We found this practical jokes store and bought stickers that mimic scratches to put on Baby. We waited until last night, when they were both sleeping, then went out to “decorate” her. It was so funny, and the looks on their faces was priceless. They thought someone did it trying to break in or one of Dean’s past flings had caught up with him somehow. When they saw Sammy and I cracking up when we called out “April Fools”, they really lost their marbles. I honestly thought they were gonna kill us ‘til we took off the stickers. Now we have to wash the Impala for the next year, but it was totally worth it. Best. Prank. Ever.

…

March 30, 1999

Dear Diary,

Sammy and I had our first kiss today. Not a platonic, sibling kisses. It was like one of those kisses that you see in those romantic movies when the boy and girl stare lovingly into each other’s eyes before leaning into each other’s lips as the music reaches crescendos. That’s it felt when he started kissing back anyway because it was technically an accidental kiss, but whatever. I was scared out of my mind that he was gonna hate me forever for my feelings towards him, but he actually felt the same. Can you believe that? My brother actually feels the same feelings for me. Most brothers wouldn’t be able to look at their sisters if they said something like that to them, but not my Sammy. We spent about an hour making out last night before we fell asleep in each other’s arms. We sleep in the same bed most of the time, but this was different. And Sam said we could do it all again whenever we wanted to, as long as Daddy and Dean weren't there, for obvious reasons, and man do I plan on doing that again. God, life is looking brighter every day.

…

April 15, 2002

Dear Diary,

I’ve never had so much fun in my whole life. Sam took me to Six Flags today. On a date! OMG! We didn’t have to keep our not so, sibling-like glances to ourselves as well as our hands. I mean we held hands a lot before, but everyone knew it didn’t mean anything. Today, everyone who saw us immediately knew we were a couple. We could act like a real couple, eating cotton candy and drinking milkshakes and all that cliché stuff Dean likes to act like he doesn’t like. Even a cheesy set of pictures in one of those classic photo booths. At first, I thought something was off with Sammy and haven't really thought about it until now, but then we got to the park and had the time of our lives. Guess I was just paranoid because everything seemed so perfect and amazing, beyond amazing, today. Best freaking day ever.

…

December 15, 2002

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what to think right now. Sammy told me he would be back for me around Thanksgiving at the earliest, but he hasn’t so much as called. I knew he might not be there directly at Thanksgiving, he said as much, but when my birthday past in these past few weeks and he didn’t call or send me a letter or something, I was deeply discouraged. I try and call and text his phone as often as I can, but he never answers or replies. I’m going to keep hope alive that he’s coming back for me, but as the days pass, hope seems harder and harder to hold onto.

…

May 3, 2003

Dear Diary,

I tried to call him again yesterday to wish him a happy birthday, a courtesy h didn’t even consider for me, but the operator said the number was no longer in service. My first thought was that the concept was crazy. I’ve been texting him for months to check on him, but the next was that he never answered those calls or texts or even gave a sign that he would. Maybe this was his way of telling me to fuck off. Well, you know what? Screw him and his dream life. Screw his promises at a normal life for the both of us. I shouldn’t have even opened myself up to the idea of something so perfect. With my life, that was never a realistic dream. When he kissed me goodbye in Mesa, I should have known he was saying goodbye forever. Well, I’m gonna give him exactly what he wants. He’ll never see me again. Fuck you, Sammy.

That was a long time ago, well almost two years actually. I was so angry at him for betraying me. For lying. For leaving me behind. Around that same time, I started hunting with Dad and Dean. I needed the distraction, and they needed the extra set of hands. I don’t actually know how long it took for them to realize that wasn’t true.

They didn’t need me. Not really. They needed to get their minds right and not get killed in the meantime. I was that window of opportunity. I was only helping them buy time until they could become the hunters we all knew they were, before Sam. I don’t even know why I kid myself.

My family has never needed me. I’m the one Winchester child that was never planned. Most would say that I’m just being insecure and ridiculous, but what if I said that I heard those words directly from my father’s mouth? Still, think I’m being insecure or ridiculous?

This was back when Sam and I both stayed at Bobby’s while Dad and sometimes Dean went out on hunts for long periods of time. Dad had just gotten back from a solo hunt. It was like three in the morning, so he had decided that he would let us sleep ‘til dawn before we headed out.

None of us knew he was there, so when I woke up in the middle of the night and heard his voice, I immediately got out of bed, careful not to wake up my brother whom I still slept with from time to time – I still had to be eleven at the time – and made my way downstairs.

I could hear their hushed whispering get clearer and clearer as I made my descent.

“…appened to us. (Y/N) was never supposed to have been born, and after hunts like that, I regret keeping her because of this life we lead. She won’t survive without her brothers and I, and that terrifies me.” I could hear the couch crunch under his weight when Dad sat down.

“Listen to me John Winchester, that little girl is stronger than you give her credit for. Possibly even stronger than you and your boys because of the things in the life you chose for you all. Don’t ever let her hear you say something like that. She looks up to you and your boys, but you especially because she sees you as the hero every little girl sees her father as. Don’t ruin that and get those thoughts out of your head. What would Mary say if she heard you say something like that about her baby girl?” Bobby scolded harshly, always quick to defend my brothers and I.

But I didn’t really pay attention to anything Bobby had said, so caught up in what my dad had said. I had so many thoughts running through my head at that time. Did my father not want me? Did he really regret having me? Keeping me after Mom died? How long had he felt like this? What could I do?

Eventually, I got up, having tuned out the rest of their conversation as I sat on the stairs in shock and with tears in my eyes. When I got back to Sam’s room, I wrapped myself around him, wanting to feel safe and warm after hearing something so cold and discouraging from someone who I was never supposed to feel like this about. There was no one in the world who could do that better than Sam.

I never told him or anyone about what I heard that night. I didny even write about it because I just wanted to forget. I looked at my father differently after that and noticed that he had a look in his eyes whenever he looked at me too. He was scared for me, I know, but I could also see the regret for what I now know was caused by my existence as a whole. And I hated it.

When I went to Bobby’s from then on, I trained longer and harder, and I knew Bobby knew something was up with me, but he never pushed me to tell him. And I never wanted to. I wanted to give my father a reason to want and need me, even if he didn’t know what I could do. I knew that eventually, I would get the chance to, and I did. In the time between Sam leaving and seeing him again, my father was proud of me. Of what I could do, but at that point, it didn’t matter to me anymore.

Eventually, I stopped caring and trying. Sam made me feel loved and wanted and needed. He made me forget about all the problems and insecurities I had about Dad. And that lasted for a good two years before he decided that he wanted to go to college and live out his normal life, alone. All of my emotions from then on were based off my feelings for Sam, even if I told myself otherwise. He made me stronger as a hunter, but weaker as an ordinary girl. But at the end of the day, those girls were the same person and weakness in one reflected in the other.

It makes me think that maybe those feelings I had so long ago, and Dad's words were true. I’m the outsider in this family. I’m the little girl who needs her brothers and father to help her through her problems and keep her together.

I can’t remember the last time I ate something or did something productive. Dean would be on my ass, force feeding me if he were here. Dad would scold me for how messy the place is. Books thrown all over the library, dishes from the last time I ate with food that is turning colors and emitting smells that food shouldn’t turn or smell like in the sink, and all in someone else’s place. Sam would be the one focusing on my current state of mind, and it’s not until April that I realize how much I miss and need them all.

I need them. I don’t know how to do this without them, and I haven't put in the effort to really try and figure it out.

God, I don’t want to be alone anywhere, but I made my choice in Palo Alto to be alone and abandoned my family. That makes me just as bad as, if not worse than, Sam. I could never face them now because I know that if I did, I’d see the same sadness and disappointment in their eyes the night he left.

I can’t live like that. With that. My family has never been too forgiving when it comes to leaving or disappearing for a prolonged period of time. For any reason. I know Dean has never truly gotten over Dad leaving all those times when we were younger. Hell, he still kind of holds grudges now. So did Sam and so do I.

I also know that my father, brother, and I haven’t – and probably never will – forgive Sam for leaving us the way he did. At this point in time, since I’ve left without a trace in a way worse than Sam, my family probably hates me. They probably blame themselves first and foremost, but at the end of the day, I know that they hate me for what I did. Putting them through this pain again.

Hell, I hate me for doing that to them. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I left, and now it’s too late to change things.

I’m miserable here, and sometimes I wish I could start over. Go back to the way it was before he left. The family moving around from place to place; all of us together and as happy as we once were.

That’s what I wanted when Sam told me he was leaving. That’s what I wanted after the year he was gone. That’s what I want now. But right now I’m just sad. I just it all to go away and for it all to be over.

A part of me just wants to end it. I’ve walked into the kitchen before and just stared at the knives for hours, imagining what it would be like to slit my wrists while I lay in the bathtub. Hell, I took a knife with me one day and just held onto it, but then I thought about the hassle it would be for someone else to clean everything up. I’m not doing that to someone else. Hunters might be warriors in their own right, but no one was built to handle something like that.

So I write instead. Every time I feel like I can’t do this by myself, I write down what I’m feeling. Every thought, every emotion, everything. It doesn’t cure my illness, but it relieves some of the pain and pressure. I write about my past with Sam, my feelings towards my family, all the pain, but also all the good. Dreams and wishes.

I write about my dad most of all. You’d think my thoughts and emotions would be mostly Sam based, but my dad is part of the cause. He’s the reason our lives are the way they are – I don’t mean that negatively by the way – he’s the reason Bobby had to give us all semblance of a normal life. But he’s also the reason Sam and I got together. Most of what’s happened ‘til now is because of him. And even though I was a major bitch to him after Sam left, I don’t hate him. I love him so much, and I wish I knew he felt the same because he is just as much a victim as the rest of us.

So I write about what it would be like if Mom never died. Birthdays, father-daughter dances, everything that I would have had if that thing hadn’t made the hardass soldier he had to become. But I can dream. It’s what I’ve had to do since I was a little girl. The only way I can begin to believe in happiness.

I spend nine months alone. Halloween, my birthday, Christmas, but I send Dean a post card I got in Nebraska to him for his birthday. I watch the seasons change from fall to winter to spring and eventually summer. All of it alone. I don’t go to the lake anymore because I barely get out of bed. On the rare chance that I do, I either sit in one of the chairs in my bedroom and stare out the window, or I sit on the couch in the living room and do the same.

I don’t talk to anyone outside the grocer at the store a few miles from the cabin. She tries to be friendly and get me to converse with her, but I never do. I barely smile at her, yet she always has something nice to say. I don’t think much of her because I don’t pay much attention to anything nowadays.

I don’t even notice the familiar vibe I had whenever I was around someone close to me or in my family until it’s almost unbearable. It’s around this time that I hear a knock on the cabin door. Hunter’s instincts tell me to grab my gun, but the feeling in my stomach tells me that I don’t need it. I just need whoever is on the other side of that door.

I pull my cardigan all the way over myself even though it has to be nearly 85 degrees and take a deep breath before going to unlock and open the door. When I do so, I’m with a face I didn’t think I’d ever see again.

“How did you find me?”

Part 10

A/N: So I’m doing a poll that will determine the fate of the next few chapters of this story. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and each option works for me, but each has pros and cons that I will explain. After this chapter, there is one more before the series premiere which the reader is not in. You all determine what I do directly after the events of the pilot episode. BTW, when picking an option, just keep in mind that the climax of the story isn’t until after the season three finale. The option that is chosen at the end of the poll will be explained in further detail when chosen. Also, the poll is in my bio on fanfiction.net, so if you can, vote there, otherwise leave it in the comments or send me a PM.

Option 1: I can do a series rewrite. This means exactly what it sounds like. My ideas take the Winchesters all the way up to the season three finale, unchanged and with the reader. Everything after that changes. Basically, all you will be seeing is the reader’s POV for each episode. Occasionally I might change it up to Sam or Dean or someone else in the episode’s POV, but nothing really changes. The pros are that you can see everything that happens step by step. How the relationships with the reader and the boys evolve over time, how the reader reacts to different events throughout each episode, and some fillers that I will have to put in to allot for time for the Winchesters between episodes. The cons to this option are the fact that the story itself will not start back up for 60 episodes minimum. That’s two to three chapters for each, which means between 120 to 180 chapters plus a handful of fillers before the story that I intend to finish will be back on track. All of that is background info for events and clues that follow the season finale and may contribute to the rest of the story but probably won’t make a huge difference at the end of the day. This option means that the audience will be caught up in everything that happens between seasons one and three with the reader and her brothers.

Option 2: I can rewrite a few episodes from each season. Just the most important, plus some fillers from the show. So the season premieres and finales would get their own chapters, episode changers for a whole season, etc. For this particular option, after the story really starts back up, I might do a side series that is connected to this story that goes back and shows brief glimpses of what happened for each episode. The chapters probably won’t be longer than you average drabble, maybe more, but most of what happens between seasons one and three that aren't explained in detail will be explained after the finale. At least the parts that are valuable for that chapter. The pro for this option is the fact that the story will be back on track after a handful of chapters with a little déjà vu from the series. The con is the fact that the audience probably won’t get to see how the reader’s relationship with her brothers changes, only the output, which may be confusing as the story goes on, but will get cleared up in time.

Option 3: This option basically consist of a quick summary of seasons one and two from the reader’s POV. It would basically be like the past few chapters where the reader talks about how being back with her brothers is affecting her, how she handles major events, etc. It would be a chapter or two, so we’d be back on schedule soon. That’s one of the pros, the other is that the flow of the story doesn’t change. It would be the same as the past few chapters so there wouldn’t be an adjustment period for the story getting back on track. The only con that I can think of would be the same as for the second option. The audience would miss a lot of what happens in the time between the season premiere and the season three finale. But again, everything would come back into focus as the story goes on. This option also works with the whole side series idea in chapter two. It would make it easier for you all to understand.

The thing about option one though is that you have to pay attention later because some of the small easy to miss details will come back to play a part. For options two and three, if you haven't seen the series in a minute, or ever, you might want to rewatch it, but that isn't mandatory. If anyone has any questions, comments, or concerns with these options, you can send me a PM or leave a comment in this chapter or the next depending on what happens first, the poll going up or the next chapter.

Tags: @sharethelovebeauty , @pretty-fortune

@ If you want to be tagged in this story or any of the others in my masterlist, just let me know. I also do forever (not the story this time) tags.

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haebane · 7 years ago

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dream journal

last paragraph of this one is like good ignore the rest if u read these (nobody read these btw dont waste ur TIME) but yea the last paragraph is like GOOD on this one

i was a cop in this dream at my high school and i was with about 3-4 other cops and i was trying to take them to this place i found in a dream like LAST YEAR that i forgot about (it was backstage in the auditorium, i found it by accident when I was trying to do a viola concert and i found this weird elevator that i fell into and it was all dark and it took me downstairs to this room full of like grecian godess looking women in this luxurious room with corinthian pillars with silk sashes all through them with red carpets, some of them were bathing in this beautiful like roman fountain and i was like oh god im so sorry im lost i didnt mean to come here) and there was this huge place underneath that i didn’t even see all of

so in this dream, me and these other cops are like looking around i guess for it? because it was like, the elevator doesn’t always show up but like it was really suspicious because people who fell into it were saying that men were getting into there and we were gonna like bust them, it wasnt made clear if the grecian goddesses were like regular people or if there was like actually this weird religious luxury place underneath the school?

theres a branching path in this dream where me and these cops are doing this activity with the students in this other part of the school which is also something from a dream a few months ago, it was like this wrestling ring. we were like popular cops or something that were like buddy-buddy with all the students and they were doing this art exhibit thing where it was like, in an hour build the most creative thing you can out of clay and we all had like profiles on the wall and shit and we got involved and started making stuff out of clay too, i opened ms paint irl and tried to draw it but basically itd take too long imagine a really big clay person laying down but its whole body is made out of smaller clay people

and then my police radio went off that HAROLD FROM HEY ARNOLD had been eating liquid tires, and my cop friends were like awww do you have to go? and i was like yea im like assigned to this kid bc he does this so much. and like long story short it turns into an akira situation and the kid like turns into this like blob monster of like liquid tires underneath the school and its like ah shit (everyone else was like normal looking and one of them was just fugo from jjba like copy pasted into the dream SDNAK)

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this actually is the reason im so fixated on dreams and now like documenting them on here because these old settings come back years later and it weirds me out and if i went back to the school today i would definitely get lost because the layout of my dreams has changed it so many times i dont know what it’d actually look like, not as an edge factor, but my dreams are so so so detailed and realistic from all the meds im on that i spend more time in dreams than i do awake and the point of this blog isnt edge factor anymore all the weird pictures are pictures that are familiar enough to my dreams that i post them here and hope that in the future it might jog my memory and i might go back there in another dream months from now or maybe even years

it sounds like narcissistic to like document that shit but idk i spend a lot of time in my dreams all the time and i know i cant remember everything from there so i want to write down everything i can

#dreams

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pluckyredhead · 8 years ago

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Daredevil 101: Last Rites

Last time on Daredevil 101, Matt returned to New York, regained his memory and as much of his mental health as he ever has, and reconciled with Foggy. Now he turns his attention to the next big item on his agenda: taking down the Kingpin once and for all. Also, Nocenti is gone and our new creative team is D.G. Chichester, who is honestly all over the place in terms of writing, and Lee Weeks, who is pretty good but was slightly “A girl??? Reading comics??? My word!” to me at NYCC a couple years back so meh.

CONTENT WARNING: Dubcon and...fraudulent mental health practices, I guess is the best way to describe it? And Matt is the perpetrator of both. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

Anyway, Nelson & Murdock isn’t quite back in business yet, but Matt and Foggy are working hard on getting Matt’s license back:

I cannot explain why Foggy looks weirdly sinister in that first panel OR why Matt is wearing a turtleneck, but I do like seeing him with a cross. This might be the first time we’ve seen him wear one.

Meanwhile, Fisk has decided to add a more legitimate revenue stream to his criminal empire and build a media conglomerate. One of his major investors is a group from Texas, represented by a ridiculous cowboy stereotype named Strang:

Uh oh, looks like Strang is more than just a rural stooge!

Fisk’s broadcast empire, btw, is basically Fox News - all inflammatory conservative talking heads stoking racial prejudice. This comic is 25 years old but not much has changed outside of car phone technology.

Meanwhile basically all Typhoid does these days is perch on Fisk’s desk sexily, which is an infuriating comedown for a villain who nearly destroyed Matt on her own, and I don’t even like Typhoid.

Oh, and Frank shows up for a bit with his rad 90s sweatband (YES):

guys that’s really gay

More importantly, Matt manages to track down Karen, who now has a job...well, it’s not clear if she works for a nonprofit or what, but whatever she does, it’s dedicated to taking down the porn industry:

(I should note here that while there are feminist arguments in favor of porn, Karen is responding to the porn industry of a quarter century ago and one that she was coerced into thanks to her dependency on drugs. She’s not trying to shut down indie feminist porn but the creepy trench coat peep show stuff of the 80s and 90s.)

Anyway Matt goes on about how Mary meant nothing to him, nothing - and also did Karen cut her hair, he can’t hear it moving around her shoulders and he always liked it...? At which point Karen absolutely lets him have it:

Karen is by no means ready to forgive Matt, but she agrees to slowly - slowly - start socializing platonically with him again.

Meanwhile, Matt launches his grand plan: trolling the Kingpin into madness. No, seriously:

Matt needles Fisk a bunch, then pulls out a picture of Vanessa that he somehow magically knows Fisk keeps in his desk drawer and gives it to him to remind him of how far he’s fallen:

How did Matt know what that was a picture of? It could have been the picture that came with the frame. It could have been a picture of a butt. “REMEMBER THIS BUTT, WILSON.”

In between moves in this very silly game of chess, Matt more takes tentative steps towards reconciliation with Karen:

I love Karen’s jacket and her short haircut and her not having any of Matt’s bullshit, I love it all so much. Karen!

Meanwhile, he and Foggy are still working on that license:

1. Foggy needs better self esteem. YOU ARE JUST AS GOOD A LAWYER AS MATT, BABY.

2. Matt affectionately full-naming Foggy is everything.

3. This is how they relax. WHAT A PAIR OF NERDS.

4. Right, so here’s the kicker: Matt knows that if he wants to take out Fisk, he needs to take out his support systems first - and one of Fisk’s biggest supports right now is Typhoid. So he’s laying the groundwork here to do just that, in possibly the most fucked up way possible, and using an unwitting Foggy to do so. MATT NO.

With his paperwork all planned out, he confronts Typhoid, more aggressively than he’s ever done before:

Yeah, so this is all really explicit: Matt is domming here instead of subbing, and Typhoid’s completely thrown by it. Like, the BDSM aspect wasn’t subtle in the Nocenti run, but it’s completely textual now.

Eventually Typhoid goes with it, and we fade to black, and cut to...

Yeah, so apparently their lovemaking was so tender or whatever that Typhoid turned back into Mary in the middle of it, which means she doesn’t have her powers at the moment. Because men domming is romantic and women domming is kinky and evil, I don’t fucking know. This is gross, and coercive, and makes my skin crawl.

But Matt didn’t just do this to get a happy, no; he has also forged papers that show grounds for forcibly committing Mary, and snuck them onto the desks of several mental health and law enforcement types, so that Mary wakes up to a nightmare scenario:

A sobbing Mary is forced into a straightjacket and, well, that’s about all we see of her for a good few years.

I just. This is so upsetting on a number of levels:

1. The female villain is undone by sex, of course.

2. Matt basically uses aggressive sex to defeat a villain - and since Mary is a separate personality who is unaware of Typhoid, she never consented to this.

3. Obviously Mary is not well and should be given medical care and prevented from harming others, but FORGING HER PAPERS AND HAVING STRANGERS BREAK INTO HER APARTMENT AND FORCE HER INTO A STRAIGHTJACKET WHILE SHE’S NAKED???

4. He’s straight up trying to date Karen in the middle of all of this.

5. I’m still mad that he made Foggy an unwitting, nonconsensual party to this.

At least (?) Matt’s pretty devastated by the choices he felt he had to make:

(I think that’s supposed to be vomit on the floor, not pee.)

Back to Fisk! Well, back to Strang, actually, who turns out to be not what he seemed:

Yeah, so Strang is Hydra. And I gotta say, reading about a bunch of Texas millionaires who are secretly Nazis using a corrupt New York City businessman to gain power and manipulate the media with an incendiary right wing platform was really, really unsettling in 2017.

There’s a lot of malarkey in here with Nick Fury and SHIELD, but basically Fury knows about Hydra’s involvement in Fisk’s enterprises but his hands are tied, so he leaks it to Matt to let Daredevil do his dirty work. Matt knows he’s being used but he wants to take Fisk down, so he brings his information to a federal prosecutor, since local law enforcement and politics are paid off by Fisk:

Daredevil starts spreading the word on the street that Fisk is being manipulated by Hydra. This weakens Fisk’s reputation, but also exposes Hydra, who decide to attack Fisk straight out. And while Fisk has big meaty hands and a lot of lackeys, Hydra has, like, helicopters and shit:

Fisk’s office is still in ruins when the federal prosecutor comes after him:

And Fisk is dragged into a lengthy trial exposing not just his dealings with Hydra, but all of his criminal activity, despite his insisting that he’s a legitimate businessman. Matt cranks up the trolling, sensing that Fisk is on the verge of a rage-breakdown:

MATT U TROLL

But Fisk has an ace in the hole, because of course he does. I kind of glossed over this when I covered Born Again, but at one point Fisk attempted to kill Matt by knocking him out and placing him in a cab which he then had thrown in the river to make it look like Matt had gone on a blind joy ride that ended badly. Well, the cab driver in question was in the trunk of that cab, and Fisk made sure to have a nice solid frame for Matt’s involvement in his death, too:

Fisk had the billy club with Matt’s fingerprints and the cabbie’s blood stored away in a locker at Port Authority (the city’s main bus terminal), and he goes to pick it up - but Matt already knows about this bit of “evidence,” and he’s ready to confront Fisk:

They fight. It doesn’t go well for Fisk:

The fight rages all over Port Authority (which looks much the same 25 years later, funnily enough), but finally Fisk breaks, mentally and physically, and Matt gets something like a catharsis:

Fisk manages to scurry away and basically goes feral for a while, slowly gaining power among the street people of New York (yes, really). Matt gets his license back, a favor to Daredevil from the federal prosecutor, and Nelson & Murdock is reborn.

...Aaand a few issues later he’ll have a nervous breakdown and fake his death again, but hey. It was nice while it lasted!

#daredevil #daredevil 101

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theresgloryforyou · 7 years ago

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my review of the mother! review, which I wrote last night in an attempt to break through some writer’s block I’ve been experiencing on top of everything else. this is what I do when I am bored apparently: apply feminist praxis to mass produced “entertainment” I refuse to otherwise engage with, because, as a family member recently told me, I’m no fun. I’m no fun because I can’t enjoy trashy shit like this for “what it is”. I said no, I’m not fun because I can’t enjoy trashy shit because I know exactly what it is.

anyway, my stupid review of the stupider review. david sims’ review in italics where applicable. if you care to see this movie and don’t want spoilers, do not read this, or david sims’ review in The Atlantic. you have been warned.

1. tried not to get too hard assed on the pretentiousness of the title, but every time I see it I immediately think JEB!

2. The plot of mother! is very simple—at least until it starts getting more unhinged. It begins on a shot of a woman’s crying face in the middle of a vast inferno, after which a man (Javier Bardem) inserts a crystal into a pedestal and magically repairs the burnt home around him. Cut to: an unnamed woman (Jennifer Lawrence) who lives in this gorgeous house in the middle of nowhere with her husband (Bardem). He’s a poet of some renown, busy toiling on his next great work (although he appears to be suffering from writer’s block). She’s devotedly renovating their home, painting the walls and such, and seems to have some mystical power to “feel” the heart of the house, by touching the walls and visualizing a giant, pumping organ.

Soon enough, another man (Ed Harris) shows up, identifying himself as a doctor looking for a place to stay. Bardem (the characters have no names, so it’s easier to identify them by their performers) invites him in and the two rapidly bond, to Lawrence’s discomfort. Harris quickly gets sick, with some unspecified ailment creating a bruise on his side. Then his wife (Michelle Pfeiffer) shows up, unafraid to snipe at Lawrence over the large age gap between her and her husband. Harris, encouraged by Pfeiffer, accidentally breaks Bardem’s crystal, inspiring his rage. The visiting couple’s grown-up kids (Domhnall and Brian Gleeson) then show up and immediately get in a fight, with the elder killing the younger and receiving a scar on his forehead in the struggle. As the family holds a funeral in the house (while Lawrence’s agita only increases), there’s a deluge of water prompted by a guest breaking a fancy sink fixture, which finally drives everyone out for good.

btw this reminds me of a student film I saw in the eighties, made by some dude who thought he could get into my pants by showing me his AMAZING movie and then, when that didn’t work, he asked my dad if he could marry me. true story. I’ll leave you to imagine how that worked out for him.

This covers the first half of the film, which, as Orr noted, you could cheekily call a “testament”: one where Bardem is a stand-in for God, Harris and Pfeiffer are Adam (down to his rib injury) and Eve (as much of a temptress as ever), and their kids are Cain and Abel, with the former killing the latter and being “marked” for this primal sin. Bardem’s magic crystal is a violated forbidden fruit, and the burst sink pipes are the flood punishing God’s early followers and wiping the world clean.

*yawn* what? oh, yeah, sorry, I mean it was extremely subtle and not even slightly heavy handed, thank you for explaining the not obvious parallels.

3. When the film’s second act begins, Bardem’s new poetry is complete and Lawrence’s character is pregnant. By the end, her baby (likely some sort of stand-in for Christ’s body) has been eaten alive by a crazed mob of Bardem’s followers. They initially burst into the house as fans of his work but devolve into violence and surreal scenes of warfare, ravaging the house before Lawrence burns it down in a fit of grief at the loss of her child. As she dies cursing her husband, Bardem asks for her love, and she assents. It comes in the form of her heart, which he pulls out of her chest and turns into a crystal that he then uses to rebuild the house again, creating a new bride, played by a new actress.

It’s wild stuff— but the Bible allegory only goes so far, even if Aronofsky himself hinted at it when introducing mother! at the Toronto International Film Festival (he referred to Harris’s character as “the man,” then added, “that’s a clue”). Lawrence’s character has no obvious counterpart in either testament; instead, she’s some sort of analogue for Mother Earth, or Gaia, an embodiment of nature and creation, with the house (which slowly gets destroyed by its callous houseguests) a stand-in for the planet itself. Or you could see her as the warmer, welcoming half of the Godhead, with Bardem representing the aloof, unknowable half. There are vague concepts of reincarnation and renewal in the film’s ending, too, more reflective of Hinduism or Buddhism than anything Judeo-Christian.

jesus fucking christ shut up. what you, and aronofsky, and jennifer too (I’ve read her Vogue interview, thanks to lili) are missing here is an ancient trope, in which males take a goddess and rob her of her power by handing her power to a new god. what you are missing is the ancient cycle in which the MALE is the one who is disposable, the Great Goddess the ancient one, the Great Goddess is creator/destroyer, the male is her consort. but he’s taken this and flipped it to the more acceptable (at least much less imaginative), yes, LESS WILD STUFF, version of events, in which the FEMALE becomes disposable. and incidentally, if she is “gaia”, there’s no second chances and no god to supercede her power.

and leaving aside paganism, just from a general science view, what is innovative about stoking humanity’s hubris and pretending it’s the PLANET that gets destroyed and not, you know, US?

what I’m trying to express here, based on this review, is what is described isn’t innovative at all, it’s just arsty and pretentious but otherwise totally run of the mill patriarchal bullshit, and here, let me…

4. The joy of mother!, to me, lies beyond the religious metaphor of God and Adam and Eve and so on; judge it just on that level, and it feels bludgeoning from a storytelling perspective. There’s a lot more to dig into, some of it probably conscious on Aronofsky’s part, some of it not so much. He’s spoken in interviews of the environmental message he’s trying to get across, telling The Hollywood Reporter, “I think [the planet’s] being undone by humanity. I don’t blame one gender over the other gender. I think it is about how people are insatiable, how there’s this endless consumption.”

there’s that amazing innovative thinking again, in which 150,000 years of non-insatiable human history ends up as a footnote to what should be a remark on three hundred years of capitalism and instead skews off towards gender (?), by which I mean this was an idiotic statement and if a (especially blonde) woman had made it everyone would be calling her a stupid hollywood bimbo, but aronofsky’s a dude so “oh wow he is so DEEP.”

5. But, like so many films (especially one with such obvious personal investment on Aronofsky’s part), mother! is clearly also a movie about art and the creative process, one with a rather negative view of the great creator at its center. The brooding Bardem can’t help but hold Lawrence at arm’s length, sometimes storming off to write, other times brushing off her concerns about the invading houseguests (from whom he draws inspiration). Though she loves him, Lawrence can’t help but fixate on the major age difference between them, and after their relationship eventually falls apart, Bardem uses her heart—her inspiration—to build a grand new work and, with it, a new female partner.

I’ll write this out, more literally, in one sentence: male uses female up and spits her out in the name of art.

(also “after their relationship falls apart” is a unique way of rephrasing “As she dies cursing her husband, Bardem asks for her love, and she assents. It comes in the form of her heart, which he pulls out of her chest and turns into a crystal that he then uses to rebuild the house again, creating a new bride” like omg you fucking weirdo, you just wrote that a few paragraphs ago! did you forget it already? it was that fucking forgettable to you, the disposable female partner? well that makes sense, actually, that’s such a boring repetitious done-to-death trope!)

6. Aronofsky is, ironically,* now romantically involved with Lawrence, though they met during the filming of mother!, well after he’d written the movie. (*not the definition of “ironically”, what you’re looking for is “coincidentally”. pray continue.) But of course, such industry romances are hardly unusual, and neither is the idea of artists writing about their own relationships; it’s just fascinating how Aronofsky has turned that dynamic into something grand, destructive, and ultimately horrifying. Lawrence’s character, at times, seems like a parody of the “barefoot and pregnant” stereotype, always padding around the house without any footwear. The actress called this a conscious choice, saying, “It never would have been right for my character to wear shoes. Nature is her creation.”

BITCH NO IT IS NOT, everything is HIS creation! the amazing nameless poet’s creation! made up of bits and pieces of females he has used up and stolen from! HOW IS THIS DIFFICULT TO GRASP?!?

deep breath

conclusion:

okay, I haven’t seen this movie. I’m reviewing the review. and the review, clearly, on one level, is about a story in which a creator god who doesn’t do much besides stalk about, brood, and not create, lets the guests he’s invited in do whatever they want including EAT HIS WIFE’S BABY and then when she destroys the house she still FORGIVES HIM and gives him HER LITERAL HEART so he can repeat the exact same thing. one feminist way of reading that is, yeah, this is a warning. this is what men do, on a small scale and on a global scale. why do women keep lending themselves to this? what is the nature of love? how is it truly love to keep lending yourself to it, to males like this? but we all know this is not the intent behind this film.

on another level, this is a white boy’s typical film school masturbation piece that happened to get him a super hot girlfriend who is deceiving herself into thinking she is anything other than disposable too, yes, even jennifer lawrence is disposable. as beyonce said, more or less, the most bomb ass pussy is disposable. that’s what this movie is about too.

but if gaia is involved, if we decide to lean into the conceit that Nature Herself is involved, guess who is actually disposable? and guess who doesn’t know how Nature Herself works?

because that’s the thing about taking ancient ideas that are based on truth and twisting them to serve the patriarchy. men been doing that for centuries, and underneath it sits all kinds of truths, no matter how they try to cover it up. if aronofsky was making something that was really a commentary on “the environment” and “both genders” and whatever the fuck, it would look more like EVERYONE DIES REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH POWER THEY HAD BECAUSE THE FEW WHO HAD IT DECIDED CAPITALISM WAS AWESOME, and THE PLANET GOES ON. this was such a stellar opportunity to make a genuine commentary, no matter how pretentiously and weirdly, but boys done gotta fuck everything up. lemme fix it, in one paragraph:

enraged by the death of her divine child she burns down the home, including bardem’s unpublished works, and his followers. bardem comes crawling to her, begging for her love. she just stares at him as he is consumed in flames. final scene: the house is charred, damaged, but already signs of life are appearing, grass between the stones. it is foggy, but “nature is her creation”, and sadly, in bare feet, comes j-law waltzing softly through her home. she sighs, and resumes renovating until the next consort crawls out of an ocean and takes a million years to evolve away his gills.

#word vomit #movie review for kicks #technically a review of a review #whatever just here it is okay #p

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wayneooverton · 8 years ago

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How to win friends and influence people on Instagram

Oh man, Instagram. That old thing. That photo app we love to hate. I wonder how sorry I would feel for myself if I knew the exact amount of times I opened Instagram and hit refresh per day. Shivers.

If I had to hanker a guess, I’d say around 20,000. You know, just to err on the side of caution.

Like most things in life, I go through phases on Instagram, of being so in love with it I have to be on for 24/7 and then other times where I consider deleting it. “Man, my latest sunset mountain photo only got 2,500 likes, what’s wrong with me? This is shit. I’m shit. Everyone hates me. I give up.”

Somehow, often my self-worth is tied to how successful I am on Instagram, or even worse, how successful OTHER people are. What. The. Fuck. How did it come to this?

My goodness, what is the world coming to when you feel like you are no longer validated because only 2,500 people you’ve never met before liked a picture you took. Then you upload a shot that gets 4,000 likes, and hot damn you’re back in business.

It’s a vicious cycle guys.

I’m the first to admit, I’ve been a dedicated slave to the Instagram for years. I mean, we go way back. Like iPhone 3 way back. Almost 5 years we’ve been together.

You see me and Instagram, we’ve had a tough relationship. You know, love hate. Hot and then cold, yes and then no. Or something like that. It’s the same with McDonald’s. You don’t people to know you actually like it, but then you end up drunkenly taking a taxi through the drive-through at 4 am. Nobody wants to admit that actually, on the inside, they really want those chicken nuggets. Badly.

*Crickets*

Wow, I’ve come a loooooong way since my first Instagram post!

But I digress. Over the years I have really loved Instagram – I still do, deep down. I learned to become a better photographer through the app, to try and become more of a visual storyteller. At the end of the day I’ve met so many incredible people through Instagram, shared so many unique moments and built my own community of followers of thousands of people, and that makes me smile. That’s what it’s for right?

Through Instagram I’ve become a keen photographer, and through it I’ve learned to challenge myself creatively.

But I’m also part of that small percentage of people who also use Instagram for business. I was New Zealand’s first professional Instagrammer, and I’ve built Instagram into my overall business strategy. In addition to my blog, it’s a large part of my work.

And when I see other people directly effecting my work, I get pissed. Guys, I’M SO PISSED

So here we go, the rant you all have been waiting for. It’s been a while, I’ve been letting you down, let me make it up to you. Are you ready?

There are two ways to be successful on Instagram; one is doing it the honest way – building up your brand, sharing high quality shots, being really active and engaged in the community, being creative and original in what you’re doing, and above all, actually be passionate about the photos and stories you’re sharing. You know, actually adhering to Instagram’s T’s and C’s, being ethical and honest, and authentic and genuine. What’s that word everyone forgets? Ah yes, having integrity.

Hell, I even co-launched my own conference called the Travel Bootcamp teaching people how to build a career in this industry.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Instagram

And then there is option B. Cheating and manipulating your way to the top, which has somehow become the popular choice these days amongst the youths and Instagram newbies. Why work hard when you can pay to get it done instead?

Cheating is rampant on Instagram these days. Rampant I say! It’s everywhere. I ignored it for the longest time, wanting to believe the best in people, many of whom are colleagues and friends of mine. But it’s getting so ridiculous now I can’t keep quiet.

So many people are exceptionally lazy. They want the success that comes with having a huge Instagram following but don’t want to put in the hours of hard work yourself. Don’t worry, I’ll make it easy . So check it out, how to fake being authentic 101. A step by step guide. Here are my best tips for cheating and manipulating your way to the top on Instagram. Good luck!

1. Go out and buy some followers

For less than $70, you can get 10,000 Instagram followers! That’s enough to start elbowing your way into this industry. But seriously, buying followers for your Instagram is so 2014. I mean come on, at least try to be more creative than that. There are far sneakier and better ways to get more followers fast than just straight up buying them. Jeez.

2. Get automatic likes on your photos

SO over the years most of us have really felt the drop on Instagram engagement, right? The number of likes and comments you get on your photos often matter more than the follower number. I’ve never worked harder on Instagram than I have been, and I follow all of their rules and suggestions to a tee for five years, and I’ve been suffering from it while watching other people cheat their way to the top without a second thought.

My engagement for my follower count actually isn’t that great, and no matter how hard I try, I can barely keep it steady let alone grow it with the way the algorithms are working. And as soon as I experiment with my shots, it plummets. And my numbers are so skewed because my followers keep growing, mostly from my blog I reckon. I’ve never been more proud of my feed and my photos than I am now, and I’m so bummed that so few of my followers or new people even see it. And I’m not alone.

But don’t worry, there are ways around it. Did you know that you can pay for a monthly service that dumps fake likes on your photos when you upload them? How great is that? You don’t have to do anything and if you get enough of them quickly, you might even show up on the Explore Page! And would you believe me if I told you dozens if not hundreds of people who might even be one of your favorite Instagrammers are doing that too! What’s a little casual fraud in between Instagram posts, right? It’s not like it inflates the entire platform and makes people who aren’t cheating look bad or anything. It’s also faking your own influence.

3. Originality is dead, guys

As much as Instagram touts the idea of being creative photographers and storytellers, does it actually back it up on the platform? Is creativity really rewarded these days on Instagram? Instagram’s own Instagram feed is all about creative projects, unusual themes and cool people doing cool stuff. But is that the content that is actually rewarded on the platform?

NOPE.

What is rewarded is people copying each other over and over and over again. The same pose, the same locations, the same outfits, even the same filters. How many people have become huge landscape travel Instagrammers because they’ve traveled to Iceland and the Faroe Islands, posed in front of cabins and woodpiles and laid on the VSCO moody PNW filters a little too hard. Cough cough, I can think of tons. I mean, Socality Barbie was popular for a reason.

I mean fads are fads, and trends are trends for a reason; and they are highly effective. Beautiful places are popular for a reason, but what about those spots that people have strategically shot over and over and shared repeatedly just to build an image. You know, wearing a fedora hat and a blanket.

But I’ve worked with people over the years, some of whom are huge btw, who blatantly admit that they look out for trendy places, then go there knowing that their photos will be the best. People who don’t consider going to places that might be under the radar, but actually look for locations to shoot in those spots from people who’ve been there before just so they can take a version that will be more popular. Or peruse Pinterest and rip off other people’s ideas as their own. Jesus Christ, does it get any lazier than that?

So come visit me in Wanaka! You might not have heard, but we have this Insta-famous tree in the lake AND a ridge view called Mt. Roy, both of which have been ruined by trendy Instagrammers! You post photos from here and you’re guaranteed double engagement!

4. Be hot and show your butt off

I’m mostly talking about girls here, just so we are clear. Statistically thinking, you have a 75% chance of growing your Instagram account by 50% if you post photos of yourself in underwear or bikinis with an emphasis on your bum. It jumps up another 10% if you have a thigh gap.* Too bad my thigh gap is limited by my nugget consumption.

2. You may not post violent, nude, partially nude, discriminatory, unlawful, infringing, hateful, pornographic or sexually suggestive photos or other content via the Service. Instagram’s Terms of Use

Um, good one!

*Disclosure, I just made that up.

5. Date someone bigger than you

Need to grow a following really quick? Start dating someone who’s Insta-famous, and be prepared to hang on for the ride! Even better if they are a good photographer. Instagram husbands anyone? And nothing grows a following quite like being a hot power couple on Instagram. Actually, if I’m being totally fair here, I am not quite sure there is anything wrong with this, I’m probably just being petty.

After all nothing is more annoying that oversharing oversexualized happy couples on Instagram, right? God I’m so bitter.

6. Steal other people’s ideas

I learned my lesson a few years ago. I have always been a candid person, and I talk about what I’m working on or goals I have openly. Til I got burned again and again by Instagrammers ripping off my work.

I learned the hard way not to talk about projects I’m in the middle of working on (at the risk of having them outpitched from under me – happened to me more than a few times), to shots I was planning to take, to my favorite locations to local spots to trips I was working on. I hate it, but it’s happened too many times that I’ve mentioned it to someone only to have that person try and pull the rug out from under me.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m the kind of person that if you tell me something you’re working on, I’ll either try to help you get there or be supportive of it. It wouldn’t even occur to me to steal someone’s idea. As a creative, I find that behavior HORRENDOUS.

There is a big difference between being inspired by someone and ripping off other people’s work, and it’s something that happens all the time on Instagram, shamelessly.

7. Don’t hate the player, hate the game

There are so many games you can play on Instagram that are far from the Candy Crush variety. One of the biggest ways people game Instagram is following and unfollowing people. Back in the day, people used to do this manually. Follow a bunch of people per day, then unfollow the ones who didn’t follow you back or just unfollow again anyways. What trickery!

Then it got sophisticated and there are apps that you can use that will automatically follow and unfollow for you. Bear in mind it violates Instagram’s terms to authorize apps like that, and it’s pretty fun to go stalk people on SocialBlade to see who’s cheating this way. You just enter in the name of any Instagrammer on a desktop, then click on their IG page and then click detailed stats and have fun!

This is a highly effective way to grow your account because it brings real people in the meantime over to your page. The downside of course, besides being highly unethical, means you aren’t in control of your account anymore and god knows who you’re following. “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to follow that nazi account, oops!”

8. Not who you seem to be

There are a few people, who shall remain nameless, mostly because I’m scared, who were the ultimate Instagram sneaks.

Like, having a feature account, which is to say a big account on Instagram that just reshares other people’s photos. Sometimes crediting the owners, most of the time just straight up ripping it off. Building a huge following only posting the best of the best, which isn’t even yours, then one day deleting all the photos and reposting your own as a personal account on Instagram.

Yes, people have done it, and some very, very successfully, though of course never admitting it.

I have two words for those people – dodgy motherf*ckers!

9. You don’t even have to be on the app

Did you know that you don’t even need to be on Instagram yourself? You can authorize apps that go and like and comment on stuff for you. I mean, I’m sure you’ve all seen it. Random comments on your photos that don’t make sense. I’ve called out bloggers who comment on all my photos but don’t actually follow me. Or better yet, friends of mine of leave comments on porn or other dirty pages. I’m sure you didn’t mean “wow what a great shot” of a teenager in a thong.

No one likes a spammer!

There are so many Instagrammers who are now super famous who got their start doing this one or two years ago. Because it brings real people over to your page, you get real growth and engagement, never mind that you didn’t even do it yourself and it’s super dodgy and straight up violates several of Instagram’s terms. Why you would do this is beyond me, let alone take the risk of losing your account.

10. Don’t be a dick!

It’s up to you whether or not you want to be a douche. I have to believe that at the end of the day, this kind of behavior will fail. It’s not a long-term solution to this kind of work, and I think that if you build a career on deceit and lies, it will blow up in your face.

Who said that breaking into this industry and being famous on Instagram would be easy? You have to work your ass off at it, often for years before seeing any kind of real success. I have been in this industry for seven years, that’s right seven years of work! It never stops!

Real influence and real success takes real work.

I’m mad because this terrible behavior is straight fucking up the industry on a big scale. It’s not a little problem, it’s rampant, and nothing is being done about it. It skews the numbers and screws over people who have worked and been ethical.

And here’s a shameless little self-promo: sick of seeing this kind of behavior combined with seeing a real lack of hard, credible advice to help break into the travel industry, my business partners Lauren Bath, Georgia Rickard and I co-launched our own conference, the Travel Bootcamp last year. An intensive one day, no BS workshop, we give you all the tools and facts no one talks about that will help you get paid to travel like us. Between us we’ve traveled to over 100 countries, worked for over a decade in the industry and make six figure salaries from it.

Our next Bootcamp is in a couple of weeks in Melbourne on April 29th if you want to come – we have a few tickets left.

Get your tickets to the Travel Bootcamp Melbourne here!

Have you heard of this stuff before? Can you believe it? What kind of terrible behavior have you seen on Instagram? Spill!

The post How to win friends and influence people on Instagram appeared first on Young Adventuress.

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avghisms · 8 years ago

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All of them please!! I'm curious OTL

gee well fine 1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? go out with friends or paint maybe lol2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned? i luv this lil black dress my ex gf gave to me!! 3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue? idk something creative tho like candle making 4. What does your perfect room look like? VERY PINK AND VERY CUTE 5. How often do you play sports? I dont!! im too lazy!! 6. What fictional place would you like to visit? Idk 7. What job would you be terrible at? probably customer service which i was terrible at 8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?probably like last week hahaa 9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for? being cute 10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have? i bite my nails when im anxious but i also hate loud breathing :// 11. What job do you think you'd be really good at? nursing or counselling!! 12. What skill would you like to master? writing or something 13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? travelling to somewhere really sunny with my friends ❤14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like? kinda petite bungalow with a big porch and on a beach!! 15. What's your favorite drink? black coffee cold water B))) 16. What state or country do you never want to go back to? belfast.... 17. What songs do you have completely memorized? a lot 18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in? n/a life is good enough 19. What do you consider to be your best find?matthew mcdonnell cus hes a saint 20. Are you usually early or late? early! 21. What pets did you have when you were growing up? an evil cat and a hamster 22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with? just their emotions i guess or for a line of reasoning/second opinion 23. What takes up too much of your time? sleeping ahh24. What do you wish you knew more about? people 25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years? where them gay girls at 26. What are some small things that make your day better? my friends nd my cat :')) 27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to? hayley kiyoko/mystery skulls28. What's the best way to start the day? black coffee and a cigarette29. What TV shows do you like? not many at all :0 30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should? anna channel 31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished? my mama and my best friend 32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently? 16 tbh33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? noneee ahh 34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend? going on a trip w my friends to the beach!!! 35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without? gourmet coffee 36. What is your claim to fame? when i turned 16 i became a lot more open minded and forgiving. with a lot more empathy and willingness to see beauty in everything. positive vibeeeesss. 37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way? essays even tho i get wankers cramp 38. What's your favorite book or movie genre? i like rom coms 39. How often do you people-watch? idk what that means but sometimes i see pretty people and im happy 40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? my lifeee 41. What's the best day of the year? all day every day in july 42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of? occultism 43. How do you relax after a long day of work? napping 44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched? jane the virgin 45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home? france!! 46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? forgiveness and reconciliation. compromise. 47. What is the most annoying question people ask you? "who do you have a crush on?" "Will you meet this guy?" 48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation? psychology or biology 49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? create a beautiful eutopiaaaa 50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? reflect 51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting? hand gliding 52. What's your dream car? a pink one 53. What's worth spending more on to get the best? makeup 54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get? IDK DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS 55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? travelling a lot more !! meeting new friends 56. Where is the most interesting place you've been? île de adam 57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it? art work 58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week? free coffee 59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again? Steven universe omg 60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have? hair dresser 61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see? idk... 62. How different was your life 1 year ago? it was extremely different, i was extremely different. it was kinda hellish and im glad im so different now. 63. What quirks do you have? always drinking coffee n being weirdly generous 64. What would you rate 10/10? hayley kiyoko 65. What fad or trend do you think should come back? baggy jeans 66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen? me 67. What kind of art do you enjoy most? dark abstract 68. What do you hope never changes? me 69. What city would you most like to live in? bordeaux70. What movie title best describes your life? love, actually 71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? i don't work am lazyyy 72. What's the best way a person can spend their time? being kind 73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make? a pipe74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been? bed or beach 75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you? winning the lotto 76. Where would you rather be from? france77. What are some things you've had to unlearn? self-hatred, loathing and accepting abuse. i had to unlearn a lot. 78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months? swedennn w my love 79. What website do you visit most often? www.google.com 80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford? break stuff 81. Where do you usually go when you have free time? the park or someones house lol 82. Where would you spend all your time if you could? a beach 83. What's special about the place you grew up? absolutely nothing 84. What age do you want to live to? 60 85. What are you most likely to become famous for? cult leader 86. What are you absolutely determined to do? to be the best person i can be and to be positive!! 87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? understand most things. 88. What do you wish you knew more about? the world. 89. What question would you most like to know the answer to? why did you lie? why did you treat me so horribly and yet retained a complete victim complex? What happened to make you so fucking monstrous? What put you out of your way to humilate me worse than anyones ever done before, all the while pretending you cared? 90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person? why are we here? 91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major? recently, everything changes! 92. What's the best compliment you've ever received? too many heck "you have taught me so much" "you have a beautiful soul" "you're angelic to me" (all platonic btw romance is bullshit) 93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do? try to survive. Befriend animals! 94. Who inspires you to be better? my mom and JESUS 95. What do you want your epitaph to be? honest 96. What haven't you grown out of? some grudges 97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in? at a dinner table 98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well? trying to make friends 99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about? probably transformation 100. What's something you will never do again? trust so openly 101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future? i don't. I think im good now. 102. What keeps you up at night? the possibilities!! of life! 103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had? i deserve better 104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done? driving w/o license 105. How do you get in the way of your own success? laziness 106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you? im dont generally care about what other people think of meee... 107. What is your biggest regret? Making the wrong decision and losing something that could've been great.. 108. What do you look down on people for?being indirect and bitchy 109. What bridges do you not regret burning?there have been a lot of abusive people who im so glad ive been able to get rid of bc they were like poison. 110. What lie do you tell most often? "i only had like 4 beers" 111. What would be your spirit animal? a cat lol112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older? learning aand experiencing is the best but moving on is the worst 113. What are you most likely very wrong about? politics 114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it? pink 115. What's happened that changed your view on the world? uhh generally being loved and appreciated for who i REALLY am and therefore being able to become a good person with good people surrounding me 116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned? trust no one. 117. What is the most immature thing you do? get rly drunk nd become all rude n dumb 118. What are you famous for among your friends & family? giving advice and support 119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be? rotting human flesh 120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have? always being the bigger person or trying to. 121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die? a real relationship a baby and a good job! 122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self? trust no one. no one in ur life is gonna keep ur trust except ur mom n Matthew. 123. What's the best thing you got from your parents? love uwu 124. What's the best thing about you? seeing tje beauty in everything 125. What blows your mind? life in itself 126. Have you ever saved someone's life? yes 127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at? writing ehehe 128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like? like me? long dark brown hair on a short girl wearing a pink hoody n black jeans?? 129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?im left handed, im psychic and im strong owo130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? the big fucking gash on my right leg 131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life? happiness is....... 132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life? september 4th 2016 133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned? dont trust him 134. What do people think is weird about you?im always confused 135. What mistake do you keep making? USIMG CUPS AS ASHTRAYS 136. What have you created that you're most proud of? A LOT OF PAINTINGS 137. What do you doubt? that people are truly sorry.138. What are some of your morals? always be honest w those u trust, give everyone a chance, dont judge, forgive with ur heart. 139. What do you want to be remembered for?loving and being loved 140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?n/a 141. What is your favorite fragrance? jasmine anr roses and ylang ylang aaa142. What do you think your last words will be?noo letsnnot 143. Who or what do you take for granted?my schoool144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?eat a LOT 145. What is something you're insecure about? IM NOT yay 146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received? best: never be ashamed. worst: drink green tea to cure epilepsy 147. What irrational fears do you have? being alone, 148. What makes a good life? love 149. What's the last adventure you went on? idk man 150. What is the most memorable gift you've received? my granpas snuff tin 💖

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bjornartesttest · 8 years ago

Text

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year.

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max:

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice.

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out.

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life.

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post.

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that.

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues.

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think.

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY

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