#this song means so much to me as someone who deals with maladaptive daydreams sigh

[lunarvalleysbetterplanet]

my thoughts on 'I hate it here' and the "backlash" against those particular lyrics:

My friends used to play a game where We would pick a decade We wished we could live in instead of this I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists And getting married off for the highest bid Everyone would look down 'cause it wasn't fun now Seems like it was never even fun back then Nostalgia is a mind's trick If I'd been there, I'd hate it It was freezing in the palace

without all the racists and getting married off for the highest bid ie. she recognizes it was a shit time to live. the 1830's was the romantic era, the year Emily Dickinson was born and the book secret gardens starts in the 1830's as well. all of those facts matter in context with the rest of the song. it's about getting lost in a fantasy because things are terrible irl. romanticising your life and trying to believe everything is okay.

Her saying without all the racists is a nod to being young and immature but still recognizing that hey, things were bad then. it's not downplaying slavery or the other host of issues from that time. i am pretty sure if t.s. had managed to write about every single bad thing going on in 1830 people would just give her shit for that too. and the whole point is that she ruined the game by bringing up that things would be awful. nostalgia is a mind's trick. they're all caught up on the romanticism of the 'good' and she knows it.

she says the game wasn't even fun while she was playing it.

i remember how popular quizzes like 'what decade are you' used to be. or how many times i've heard someone say "i totally belonged in the 70's". It's clueless and tone deaf to the way real life was in the past, but that is the point.

by all means dislike t.s. but at least consider that this is false outrage. the entire lyrics are below:

[Verse 1] Quick, quick, tell me something awful Like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy Tell me all your secrets, all you'll ever be is My eternal consolation prize You see, I was a debutante in another life, but Now I seem to be scared to go outside If comfort is a construct, I don't believe in good luck Now that I know what's what [Chorus] I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind People need a key to get to, the only one is mine I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here I hate it here [Verse 2] My friends used to play a game where We would pick a decade We wished we could live in instead of this I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists And getting married off for the highest bid Everyone would look down 'cause it wasn't fun now Seems like it was never even fun back then Nostalgia is a mind's trick If I'd been there, I'd hate it It was freezing in the palace [Chorus] I hate it here so I will go to lunar valleys in my mind When they found a better planet, only the gentle survived I dreamed about it in the dark, the night I felt like I might die No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here I hate it here [Bridge] I'm lonely, but I'm good I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on purpose This place made me feel worthless Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me And in my fantasies, I rise above it And way up there, I actually love it [Chorus] I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind People need a key to get to, the only one is mine I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here I hate it here [Outro] Quick, quick, tell me something awful Like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy

[himiko-yumehellno]

Saiouma Week Day Four: Music

Title: Do You Daydream of Acceptance?

Summary: Kokichi has Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder, which means he's gonna have his head in the clouds for a good part of his life, even if he doesn't want to. He wouldn't be surprised if Shuichi leaves him once he finds out... But will he?

Words: 2142

Note: Note: I saw the word "music" and was like "ah, yes, MADD time." Cause!! I see so many fics in so many different pairings talking about the ships dealing with depression, anxiety, and sometimes other mental disorders. But Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder? Not so much! So screw that, us maladaptive daydreamers deserve our happy endings too. (Oh, and btw, if you're wondering how I got MADD out of a music prompt – most madd-ers, including myself, daydream while listening to music.) Hope you enjoy!

+++

Kokichi was pacing again.

To be fair, it wasn't like it was anything new to Kokichi. Whenever he got home to his dorm room after school, he'd go to his room, plug in his earbuds, and pace while listening to music on YouTube. It was normal, it was routine, and... And it was something he'd been doing for years.

Kokichi stopped halfway through the song, pausing it as he plopped down on the floor to switch over to social media for a few minutes. Typing in a tag and scrolling through it for a few moments, Kokichi had inspiration again, and he jumped up to continue pacing again.

Maybe... Maybe "pacing" was the wrong word. Sure, it <i>was</i> pacing, but that wasn't all he did. Sometimes Kokichi danced, sometimes he'd act... But most of the time, he was pacing, making movements and saying lines that went with the masterpiece of a plot in his head –

The sound of a doorbell startled Kokichi out of his thoughts. Pausing the song again, this time a bit more irked, Kokichi marched through his dorm, took a moment to compose himself, and opened the door with a fake smile already plastered onto his face.

"Ooh, heey, Shuichi! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Kokichi asked, poking his cheek with one finger while he batted down his irritation at being interrupted. He checked the clock on his phone; Shuichi never took too much of his time up, but maybe if Kokichi hurried him along...

"Ah, nothing much!" Shuichi smiled at him, and Kokichi returned it with a grin, but the next words out of Shuichi's mouth both ruined and inspired any genuine feelings behind it. "I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today? I was thinking about a date at the carnival?"

The carnival. It was in town for the week, and though Kokichi had already gone with DICE, going with his beloved would be <i>awesome.</i> Kokichi'd been hoping to go with him since the carnival opened! He just wanted to see if Shuichi would ask him first, and now he had.

But... There was just one problem. "Ooh, is Shuichi asking <i>me</i> out on a date instead of the other way around? How bold, Shuichi! But, I'm a very busy person. Will it fit in my schedule, I wonder?"

Shuichi's smile started to fall, as if he knew what was coming next. "I... Was thinking about going now, if that's okay."

Kokichi's grin disappeared, and as it did, his grip on his phone tightened. Kokichi pulled out his earbuds, but he knew he understood what Shuichi said.

That wasn't nearly enough time to mentally prepare, and shove around when his scheduled daydreaming would be. So Kokichi, inwardly sighing with a heavy heart, picked up his metaphorical mask again and beamed his best sad grin at Shuichi, hands behind his head. "Sorry, but that won't work out! Unfortunately for you, I've got a lot of supreme leader business to –"

"Kokichi, I know that's a lie." Shuichi cut through his lie, and Kokichi's face fell only for a moment. Ignoring Shuichi's determined look, the kind he only got when he was serious about something, Kokichi switched tracks to a different story.

"You got me! I'm actually decoding the next Rosetta Stone; Korekiyo asked me to do it and you know I can't say no to someone as scary as –"

"That's a lie."

"Okaaay, so I was actually baking something and if I leave it in the oven too long it's gonna burn, so if you'll excuse me –"

"Kokichi."

Shuichi called his bluff one final time, and Kokichi gave it up. Kokichi's shoulders slumped, and as Shuichi took a step forward, face full of concern, he took a step back.

"Kokichi, what's wrong? Are you sick?" Shuichi asked softly, and Kokichi practically jumped at the chance to lie and leave, but before he could even do more than open his mouth, Shuichi was muttering to himself, "No, that doesn't explain why..."

Frustration bubbled inside Kokichi like the bubbles in his favorite soda. "It doesn't explain <i>what,</i> Shuichi? Having a busy schedule?"

Shuichi froze for just a moment, eyes wide, and Kokichi swallowed. Teetering on the edge of two choices, Kokichi wondered for a heartbeat if everyone felt like the world was tilted when they had the opportunity to open up to someone, but banished the thought with the next movement Shuichi made, which was to take a step back, looking over him curiously.

Kokichi knew he could have pushed further, poke the metaphorical bear of temper some more and made Shuichi leave, but something inside him was tired.

Maybe this time, he'd let Shuichi push back.

... Kokichi checked the time again. Seven minutes had passed.

"Kokichi," Shuichi began slowly, but Kokichi didn't meet his eyes. The hallway wall seemed very interesting right now. "Are you okay? Whenever I bring up something to do, if it's not a few hours away, you shut the idea down. And I know you stay up late, a lot later than what's healthy, and... And I see you muttering to yourself sometimes, or doing something that doesn't make sense in the situation. I know it could all just be a part of who you are, but...

"Are you okay?"

Are you okay. Are you <i>normal,</i> more like. Shuichi, like the detective he was, had laid out a good handful of his symptoms, of the things he couldn't always cover up or handle, and Kokichi didn't move.

<i>... So, is that it?</i>

Kokichi knew Shuichi was growing uncomfortable with the silence; the shifting and fidgeting he did would have made it obvious to him, even if they hadn't been dating for over a year now. Kokichi raised his free hand, eyes going to the door, and a memory of soon after they started dating came to mind.

<i>"Are you really sure you'd wanna date a liar like me? I doubt you'll want me once you really know the true me – if you can manage to unravel my lies, that is, nishishi!"</i>

<i>"Yes, I'm... I'm sure. And unless your 'true self' is a murderer or something, I won't leave you just for you being yourself. That would be just wrong."</i>

<i>"... Oh really? You promise then? To stay with me even if you find out the horrible secrets of who I really am?"</i>

<i>"I – ... Yes, I promise. I love you, Kokichi.</i>

... Hah. "I love you, Kokichi." Kokichi knew it was a lie, the promise Shuichi made. No one wanted to stay with someone who dealt with something as "obviously fake" as Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. No one wanted to deal with someone who spent half their life in a world they made up.

"Kokichi?"

Ah. So he hadn't left yet. Alright, might as well tell him and get this over with, since Kokichi knew how this was going to end anyway. How... Boring.

<i>How... Typical.</i>

"Nishishi!" With a giggle and his fakest smile yet, Kokichi lunged forward, grabbing Shuichi's arm and pulling him inside the room. Shuichi stumbled as Kokichi shut the door behind him, quickly spinning on his heel and leading the way into the living room.

"Ah? Kokichi?" Shuichi's voice betrayed his surprise, while on the outside Shuichi appeared quite calm, the only indication of concern his raised eyebrows and glances around the room. He followed Kokichi slowly, shuffling to the couch that Kokichi plopped down on; Kokichi was already scrolling through his saved photos, looking for a specific one. "Kokichi, what is it? Did – did something happen?"

<i>Yes, I developed a mental disorder years ago as a coping mechanism, thank you for your concern,</i> Kokichi snarked back in his head. He stayed silent through, even when he found what he was looking for and jabbed his phone at Shuichi for him to take.

Shuichi flinched, but after a moment of staring between the two, he gingerly took the phone, perching himself down at the edge of the couch cushion as he read. Kokichi turned away, gazing at the solitary window his dorm provided, waiting for Shuichi to understand.

He knew the words by heart. He knew the <i>explanation</i> by heart, he should say. He got used to having to explain it to therapists over the years, and having to pull up sources for the ones that scoffed at him. Heck, if Shuichi wanted, he could probably rattle off the url for the webpage of the the scientist who put a name to his disorder.

But Kokichi wasn't going to do that. As he heard Shuichi take a deep breath, Kokichi closed his eyes, waiting for the rejection, the mocking, or the storming out.

Hey, maybe he'd get all three this time. It had been a while since he got that reaction... Not since...

"So... You have... Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder?"

Kokichi didn't open his eyes. "Yeppers!"

"And that's why you've been doing all... All the things I talked about earlier?"

"... Yep!"

"..."

"..."

"Okay, thank you for telling me, Kokichi. I'm glad I get to understand you a bit better."

All at once, Kokichi's eyes snapped open wide, he shot up to a sitting position, and his jaw dropped open like a fish's mouth. He didn't know how he felt – relieved? Happy? Loved? – but <i>something</i> was going on with his emotions, and Kokichi had to take a deep breath to steady himself, feeling light despite how heavy his heart had been just a minute ago.

"You... You don't..." Kokichi didn't care if Shuichi could see right through him right now. Kokichi blinked at Shuichi, as if the situation were a fuzzy dream that would disappear if he just woke up, and as Shuichi reached for his hand, a concerned frown on his face, Kokichi finally found the words to express his shock.

"You really don't care? Shuichi, this – this is – a, a, a <i>DICE member</i> left because they didn't want to deal with that! With... Me! Why on earth would you... It doesn't... It doesn't..."

Kokichi trailed off. Swiftly, Shuichi moved to put his arms around Kokichi, and the smaller boy buried his face in Shuichi's shoulder like it was second nature.

"I'm really, really sorry, Kokichi," Shuichi breathed, just loud enough for him to hear, and Kokichi tensed, heart skipping a beat before Shuichi kept it going with his next words. "You shouldn't have had to feel like this was something you needed to hide."

... <i>What.</i> Kokichi stayed there for a heartbeat. Slowly, shakily, he brought his own arms around Shuichi, and though his face was still pressed against his boyfriend's chest, Kokichi mumbled out, "You still love me?"

"Wh – of course I do!" Shuichi's voice was surprised, but there was still that undertone of "why the hell are you asking me this?" that Kokichi expected of him, and Kokichi choked out a laugh as Shuichi continued. "I wouldn't... Kokichi, I..."

Kokichi took a deep breath. Pulling away from Shuichi, Kokichi grinned, and not even he was sure whether it was fake or not. "I knew my beloved wouldn't leave me! I was just testing you!"

Shuichi pulled back as well, though he kept his arms wrapped around Kokichi. Something danced in his eyes – pity? Love? Kokichi couldn't tell.

But the shock was wearing off now. And with the lack of shock came all the previous emotions Kokichi had before he opened up.

"Welp, alright. That's enough mushy business for one day!" Kokichi beamed at Shuichi, jumping off the couch and turning to face him while clapping his hands. "Now, I'm gonna ask this of you as polite as possible, so listen up, Shuichi."

"Ah?" Shuichi shifted on the couch, straightening up and giving Kokichi his full attention. "What is it?"

Kokichi gave him one of his creepier grins, and said very, very slowly, "Get the fuck out of my dorm room so I can daydream, and do not breathe a single word about this to anyone."

Shuichi jolted back, but after a moment had passed where Kokichi didn't move and gave him the opportunity to process his request, Kokichi felt his heart flutter as Shuichi laughed. "All right, I'll do that. I'll see you later, then?"

"Totally!" Kokichi held his hand out. "Buuuut, you gotta give me my phone back, beloved! Don't tell me you were trying to steal it!"

Soon, after a series of apologies from Shuichi, and a return of reassurances and pushes from Kokichi, Shuichi was out of his dorm, and Kokichi was able to sigh in relief as he returned to his bedroom, checking his phone again.

<i>Hm. Fifteen minutes.</i>

And it seems that Kokichi had lost his train of daydream in that time.

...

Maybe he'd listen to some love songs this time.