#this song and sarah makes me break down sobbing

[jjtheresidentbaby]

-little sarah cameron moodboard-

standing in the yard, dressed like a kid

the house is white and the lawn is dead

the lawn is dead,

the lawn is dead.

- half return, Adrianne Lenker

[reidspharb]

The Moment I Knew

*Part two

Summary: Spencer misses your 25th birthday and that’s when you realize your relationship can’t be fixed.

Word count: 800 or something idk ICBA shes a short one

Warnings: angst, Reid is a shitty boyfriend in this one

Note: hi this was written at 3 am and I’m new to writing so if this sucks sorry anyways but I got this idea from Taylor Swifts song by the Same name and I thought I would write it so yeah enjoy

Sure, you were so happy all your friends were there and everyone was having a good time… but you couldn’t help but think about Spence.

It was 10 pm, the party started at 8 and he still wasn’t there like he promised. You couldn’t help but think about him coming through the door right now, gifts in hand as he did on your last birthday with that baby I’m right here smile.

You knew he couldn’t be here, and you knew how much he valued his work, but, he wasn’t even on a case far away… he was here, in Virginia, and he couldn’t even call to wish you a happy birthday.

Your eyes were locked on the door most of the time as you socialized. People asked about him, about your relationship, and the most you could give them was a sad smile and a dishonest word about how great everything was going.

“So how have you been,” your friend Sarah said as she laughed and took a sip of her drink “I mean I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

you plastered on the brightest fake smile you could and mustered up an answer just normal enough to get you by.

“I've been okay, you know, with work and everything.”

All you could think about was him, how he said he would be there. He told you- no he promised you weeks in advance that he would be here. But he’s not.

You felt stupid, standing there all dolled up in your tight black dress and red lipstick. You thought maybe if you dressed up nice he would make sure to be there, but then again, there you were with no one to impress.

You knew it was hopeless, there you were on your birthday staring at the door and watching the clock tick as everyone around you danced and laughed. You looked around the room, trying to spot him in the crowd but who were you fooling, you knew he wasn’t there.

As you listened to your loved ones sing happy birthday around you, you could only hear his voice in your memory. When you blew out those candles your only wish was for him to be there with you. You should’ve been so happy, but he was the one thing missing.

Then it was 1 am, and you were barely tipsy. you already had a nervous stomach, you knew drinking would only make it worse. By now you were sick of everyone being around you, you just wanted to be alone. You stumbled to the bathroom over some discarded red cups and locked yourself in there, tears burning at your eyes when you saw yourself in the mirror.

You did your makeup the way he liked it too so that if you sent pictures he really wouldn’t miss it, such a naive thing to think you told yourself. You heard a knock on your door and there were your two best friends, Tegan and Oliver, mixed with the emotions of seeing them staring at you with so much pity in their eyes and Spencer being away made you break down.

Tegan held you as you sobbed, mascara dripping down your cheeks with every tear.

“He said- he said he would be here…”

“I'm so sorry, love bug, I wish I could grab him and rip him into pieces. You deserve so much better.” Said Oliver, holding your cold hands.

You felt so embarrassed, sitting there in front of your friends crying about some stupid boy. But he was the one who meant the most to you and he wasn’t there.

The next morning you woke up on your couch, head pounding. Your apartment was trashed, there were plastic cups scattered all over the room. As you stepped over them to get ready for the day, you felt a sharp pain in your chest as you heard Spencer’s familiar ringtone playing from your phone.

“Hey doll, it’s me” he sighed on the other line of the phone.

“Hi, Spencer.” You mumbled. You knew it would hurt to say his whole name instead of the nickname you’d been calling him since the day you met him.

“I'm so sorry I didn’t make it babe I was caught up in paperwork and I lost tra-“ you interrupted his rambling, you didn’t care anymore.

“It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later Spencer.” You hissed into the phone before hitting the red button on the screen and setting your phone back down on the counter.

That was the moment you knew.

That was the moment you knew that this would never work out.

[smilesstyless]

Needing you

Summary: Harry and y/n had an huge argument and they broke up. Y/n is worried about him because of his depression

Pairing: singer!harry x fem!reader

Wordcount: 959

Trigger warnings: angst, depression, mention of depression

A/N I was listing to little freak last night and it popped into my mind

Harry was thinking about her all the time, he made a mistake and now he realizes that. He wants to be with her, but he messed up.

He’s lying in his bed and thinking all day about her. Every song he writes is about her. He tries to let her go but he can’t. He needs her in his life. Sarah told him it was a mistake to let her go.

She brought light into his dark days full of depression and anxiety. She was good for him, she made him less nervous before a show or an interview. Since he broke up with her, he is in such a dark place. He got stronger medicine for his depression, if he is honest he doesn’t take them. He lies in bed and waits until this day is over, he can’t do this without her. Sometimes he writes or plays guitar but it doesn’t help that he always thinks about her. He can’t let her go.

He’s thinking about her.

Sarah made him dinner; he hasn't touched it in days. “Talk to her, call her, h. You’re not fine,” she tells him. She misses the old Harry who made dad jokes and who was happy she misses the happy guy who loves kids more than anything in the world.

“I’m fine,” he mutters, “took my medicine,” he mumbles.

“Don’t lie about the medicine, they are—”

“Shut up,” he raises his voice at her. Sarah flinches as he raises his voice at her. She barely heard him yelling at anyone, he’s at his worst right now. He doesn’t listen to her, he listens to nobody except y/n.

“Harry I’m just suggesting that you have to talk to her, she will miss you too,” she just wants him to talk to y/n or anybody else it doesn’t really matter about the break up. She just wants him to talk, she doesn’t want him to eat everything into himself.

But she isn’t doing well. She pretends it’s fine they broke up. She cries herself to sleep every night she hates to be without him. She just wants to lie in his arms and cuddle with him. In the day she looks happy and at night she cries so much until she is asleep.

She knows about his depression and it makes her worry about him. In winter it’s always worse and she takes care of him every day until it is the first day of spring. She made him dinner, she gave him his medicine. When she found out he threw them out they had a huge argument and he told her it wouldn’t work. So he broke both of their hearts. Sometimes she just wants to call him and check on him. Which she does but he never picks up, she guesses his phone is dead.

Today is one of those days she calls him and he doesn't answer. It made her worry even more. It's been over a week since he charged his phone. She grabs her keys and drives over to his place. She wants to make sure he is okay.

It’s been almost a month since they talked.

She opens the front door and closes it quietly. She sneaks upstairs into his bedroom. He is lying in his bed, he hasn't changed since the fight so she assume hasn’t showered in two weeks.

“Harry,” y/n breathes out. He turns around and sees her standing in the doorway. She puts her stuff away and sits down on his bed.

“Hi,” on his lips is a short smile.

“How are you feeling?” She is going through his messy, greasy hair. Harry rests his head on her thighs.

“Now a bit better,” he whimpers. “I’m sorry,” he sobs out.

“Don’t apologize, can you tell me which color you’re feeling?” They talked with his therapist about the colors. She suggested the color thing and it helps them a lot. Harry doesn't see a point in it but he answers it. Green is good, yellow is okay and red is bad.

“Red,” he mutters.

“Sunshine, look at me. It was a stupid fight I know you don’t feel well. Wanna eat something?” He nodded his head.

Y/n made him his favorite pancakes with chocolate chips. She came back upstairs with a plate and a glass of water. “Did Sarah made you something?”

“Yes, couldn't eat. I made you worry because I’m sick,” he took a sip of the water.

“Yes, I was scared. It’s okay to be sick, you will get better again,” she kisses his greasy hair.

“Hate that, I can’t take care of you. You always take care of me. I’m supposed to take you out on dates, but instead we sit in my bedroom and watch a movie,” he sips his water. Y/n hands him his medicine out.

“Please,” he swallows them down. “You’re not supposed to take me out. I like staying in with you and watching a movie. Don’t think that,” she kisses the tip of his nose. “I’m so proud of you,” she kisses his knuckles.

“I love you, sunshine.” He calls her sunshine because he brings light into his dark days like a sun. “Do I have to shower?” He mutters under his breath.

“No, but if you like to I would draw you a bath,” she looks at her boyfriend who has a slight smile on his lips. He looks pale and dark bags under his eyes from staying awake all night.

“Tonight, maybe,” he lies down and closes his eyes. The first time in a while he felt like he’s going to be okay. Y/n is here and the world seems fine, he seems fine. He missed her touch.

[inmyloveworld]

life for two

pairings: platonic pete "maverick" mitchell x kazansky!reader, bradley "rooster" bradshaw x kazansky!reader

word count: ~0.6k

warnings: pregnancy, allusions to grief, top gun: maverick spoilers, allusions to anxiety and ptsd

a/n: there is an incredibly detailed collection by @ofstoriesandstardust revolving around a mitchell!reader x rooster where her godfather is iceman, but i have been pondering the idea of if the roles were reversed for a hot minute. i VERY highly recommend reading through the same mistakes-verse if you are a tg:m fan as this collection does an incredible job of expanding upon the characters we love so much from a different perspective. but this is my little self-indulgent spin on things.

song inspo: life for two by brandon jenner

A light knock broke Maverick’s focus on the reports scattered across his desk. The captain peered up to spot his intruder, eyes softening at the figure standing timidly in the doorway.

“Frost,” Maverick chimed. Her presence was always a welcome one, to be sure, but her demeanor was worrying to him. Ice’s daughter had always stood with as much pride as her father did in his earliest days at Top Gun. There was something off about her now, with her shoulders slumped and her fingers fiddling at her sides. Rather than a grown woman, Maverick thought he was looking at a frightened child.

“Uncle Mav,” she tried, voice already shaking. What had happened? How had his goddaughter been reduced to such an open state of fragility? Not even on her father’s funeral day did she let her resilience go. Maverick crossed the room in quick strides before tugging her inside and shutting the door behind them both.

He let her get settled on the small couch before sitting beside her. Maverick’s eyes didn’t budge from their fixation on her worrying expression. Frostbite couldn’t quite meet his gaze. Her hands continued to fidget frantically, wringing back and forth in an attempt to steady herself. Still, not a drop of her nerves relented.

Maverick tried calling out her name. He was now getting scared. Ice reacted similarly when telling him his cancer had come back. Was similar glum news awaiting him at the end of this conversation? “What’s going on, kid? Talk to me.”

At last, Frostbite looked up at her godfather. Tears were beginning to break along her lashline. It sent a cold shock through Maverick. But before he could press further, she spoke. “I’m pregnant.”

Oh. Oh. The news itself wasn’t entirely jarring. His goddaughter and godson had been together for quite some time, happy as can be. What was jarring was the fear that seemed to freeze one of the most fearless people he’d ever seen.

Maverick offered a soft smile in response. “Frost, that’s great. You’ve wanted kiddos for you and Bradley since you were kiddos.” He gently clapped a hand on her shoulder, feeling the muscle tense beneath his touch almost instantly. 

“What if he doesn’t want it?” Every word came out shaking. “What if he does, but another deployment comes up? What if he never makes it home?” Some of the tears Frost had been holding back slipped down her paling cheeks. Doubts and worst-case scenarios had been running marathons in her mind ever since that little plastic stick showed two dark lines. Giving voice to these ideas was only making them seem that much more plausible.

Frostbite did not give Pete the time to counter before she went on, her next words chilling him to the bone. “He should be here.”

Maverick knew she did not mean Bradley. Sure, Sarah was still ever-present and well in their lives even in the face of ultimate grief. But what little girl imagined going through a pregnancy without her father there? Walking down the aisle at her wedding without his arm linked through hers? Raising his grandchild who would never know his warm embrace?

A sob brought him back to the moment. Frostbite was bent forward, hands pressed against her head as her body shook with every cry struggling to surface. It broke his heart to see her, even now, trying to hold some composure.

“Come here,” he beckoned. Maverick softly tugged her to lean against his side, arms wrapping around her trembling form. Frost tucked her face against his jacket as she finally let go of all she had been holding back: all of the sadness, anger, denial, and resentment that came with grief.

Pete held her close, letting some tears of his own fall as the pair grieved for the man who tied them together.

-

i might write a part 2 where frostbite actually tells bradley that she is pregnant but this is all my mind will let me get away with for now. i hope someone enjoys >.<

[pluckysidekick]

It’s Wednesday, my fellow Drewds! Going into the holidays I can’t help thinking about how our favorite Crew are celebrating the holidays. Can’t wait for all of the @secretsleuthexchange fics, gifsets, and fanvids we’re going to get!

In the meantime, I was inspired by a poll from @burningblake about which classic “standard” song best represents Nace (all excellent choices). I wound up making a Season 4 playlist of standards from the Great American Songbook, and a few other classic tracks, that represent their Season 4 journey for me. If you’re interested in this sort of thing, here we go!

I’ll be linking the Spotify tracks, but you should be able to find them all on Apple Music or YouTube. If you want a link to the full playlist, just hit me up here or on Discord.

1. The Nearness of You - This Hoagy Carmichael classic brings to mind Nancy and Ace’s inability to stay apart every time they’re near each other in Episode 401 🥺. I love the Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong duet, but I picked Norah Jones’ version from her 2002 debut album because it’s just so perfectly wistful.

2. Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby - this so so cool track was written by Louis Jordan, but I first heard it on Tom and Jerry (that’s the fighting cat and mouse cartoon in case you’re too young to remember them). I immediately envision the back and forth argument Nancy and Ace have throughout Episode 402 in the lyrics of this song. Ace just wants to know! I adore Joe Jackson’s version, but I went with Dinah Washington and Quincy Jones from 1956 because it is absolutely perfect.

3. Night and Day - I like to imagine that Nancy and Ace stayed up all night talking at the end of 402. This song perfectly embodies their relationship at this stage 🥹. It was written by Cole Porter for Fred Astaire to sing in the original ‘The Gay Divorce’ Broadway musical (catch the film, a classic Fred and Ginger madcap musical romcom with such amazing dancing🕺🏼). But I had to go with Frank Sinatra from 1957’s ‘A Swingin Affair’ because it’s such a classic swing tune.

4. April in Paris - I’m not crying, you’re crying. Warning, there’s going to be a lot of crying in this playlist. Nancy telling Ace the story of her parents’ honeymoon in Paris in Episode 403, that shy smile when she tells him she always wanted to recreate it with someone, GAH. I had to pick the wonderful Sarah Vaughan with Clifford Brown on trumpet, simply exquisite. I’m going to have to take a break to sob quietly in the corner. “What have you done to my heart” indeed.

5. Fever - There was only one song, and only one version of this song, that matches the heat Nancy and Ace generated in the infamous Sigil scene. Peggy Lee burned the house down in 1958 with this track. “What a lovely way to burn” - Nancy can relate.

6. So in Love - Another genius Cole Porter song, written originally for Kiss Me Kate, but sung here by the incomparable Ella Fitzgerald (my personal hero). I had to pick it for THE KISS. They are just so in love 😭. A beautiful song and a beautiful rendition worthy of Nancy and Ace’s love. The fact that Kiss Me Kate is a musical about bickering exes who eventually find love again makes it even more perfect.

7. Crying - Roy Orbison, 1962. Need I say more? I may never recover from the final scene of 403. This song at least helps a little with the pain by naming it. Roy hits some insane notes in this song—the intensity matches both Nancy and Ace’s misery in that moment.

8. Good Morning, Heartache - More like Good Morning, Sorbet. In Episode 404, Nancy drowns her sorrows in her favorite frozen dessert to deal with the heartache of gaining and losing Ace. And no one does heartache like Billie Holiday, who recorded this song in 1946. Heartache haunts Nancy all throughout S4, and this track represents it perfectly.

9. I had two contenders for the Nace scenes in Episode 405, both from the early 60’s. I Fall to Pieces, released by Patsy Cline and The Jordanaires in 1961, was a country crossover and Patsy’s number one hit—an incredible track that embodies Nancy’s emotions on seeing Ace again. She can’t even look him the eye at the beginning of the episode. Which brings me to my other choice, Walk on By, written by Hal David and Burt Bacharach, and famously sung by Dionne Warwick in 1964. Nancy puts up a brave front for most of this episode, but inside she wants to break down and cry.

10. Episode 405’s speed dating montage is one of my favorite scenes of Season 4. Again I have two contenders—why should I have to choose? Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer’s One For My Baby (and One More for the Road), as sung by Ella Fitzgerald (again ‘cause she’s the best), is an ideal soundtrack for Nancy’s increasingly desperate descent as she spends every would-be speed date talking about Ace and THAT KISS. Equally appropriate is Billy Strayhorn’s Lush Life—velvet-voiced Johnny Hartman and saxophonist John Coltrane’s 1963 track positively drips with ennui, elegantly over cocktails, of course. If you’ve never heard this one, please give it a listen. There’s even a mention of a week in Paris 🥺.

11. Episode 406, with the infamous Spider Prom, is Ace’s episode IMO—we finally get to see how he’s dealing with the loss of the love of his life and his best friend. He so desperately wants to somehow get back to being friends with Nancy, he resorts to spending countless hours with the help of S4 MVP Nick trying to catch Chunky Velez for her. Can’t We Be Friends? is the perfect song for him in this episode, gorgeously sung by Ella and Louis. That is, until he spies Nancy and Tristan dancing, and realizes what he can never have. Etta James’ blistering track I’d Rather Go Blind captures Ace’s feelings in that moment. He may have been the one to halt their attempts to brake the curse, but he’s hurting just as much as Nancy is.

12. I’ve got two seminal songs to represent Episode 407. When Nancy realizes that Ace let Chunky go, and hears his admission that seeing her with Tristan hurt, it positively screams Cry Me a River. No, not the Justin Timberlake song 😅. This epic torch song was famously sung by Julie London in 1955, and expresses beautifully Nancy’s scorn at Ace’s hypocrisy even as she admits that he broke her heart.

Their fight, and Nancy’s subsequent dashed hopes that Ace would call her bluff and come back, makes me think of Ev’ry Time We Say Goodbye. Another Cole Porter masterpiece sung by Ella. What can I say? You can’t top perfection:

Every time we say goodbye, I die a little Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little Why the gods above me, who must be in the know Think so little of me, they allow you to go

I dare you to listen to this track without weeping over the Nace of it all. Enjoy!

Well, Drewds, we’re just past the halfway mark of Season 4 and this post is already a novel, so I’m going to stop here for now. What did you think of my picks? Any you think I missed?

I’ll do a Part 2 as long as I get a few notes on this one 😂 . It will feature more classic songs that represent Nancy and Ace as they head into the back half of the season. I know it’s going to get rough ahead, but I promise the music will be sweet.

Update: Part 2 is here!

[heartpascal]

[SPOILERS FOR TLOU PT2]

so i was listening to "the other side" by ruelle and "wait for it" by leslie odom jr. and had this depressing thought regarding that maybe bonus scene of "if the door wasn't shut" series but like- what if it was reader who abby kills instead of joel? hear me out but- joel killed her father right? and probably made her go through sm pain and grief right? so what if somehow she finds out how much reader means to joel.

"did we ever see it coming?

will we ever let it go?"

and blinded by her need for revenge, she 🏌️ the reader instead, wanting joel to feel the same pain and grief she feels and twists the knife even deeper saying that her death is on him. the reader who didn't even go with them and had no idea what even happened in that hospital and absolutely had no part of it was killed because of him. that her death will be on his conscience. she was just someone who was caught in the crossfire because of her relations with joel and ellie.

"i don't want to lose part of me,

will i recover?"

and joel, ellie, and tommy just watches her get 🏌️ by abby. i'm- IMAGINE THE PAIN TOMMY AND MARIA WILL GO THROUGH 😭😭😭😭 reader whom they basically raised as their own just gets killed just like that 😭 maria gonna lose another child 😭 AND READER'S SHOP IS JUST BURIED IN FLOWERS 😭😭😭

"i don't want to know what it's like to live without you,

don't want to know the other side of a world without you."

what's even more depressing is that she's still young and still had a life ahead of her and it's just cut short because the world is cruel just like that. (especially in the tlou universe cough)

"death doesn't discriminate,

between the sinners and the saints,

it takes and it takes and it takes."

and joel just breaking and wondering why he's still when so many people that he has know and cared and loved has left him (i'm going for the sarah's mom left route and tommy leaving joel to join the fireflies) or died (sarah, tess, bill, frank, sam, henry, and now reader) AND WHAT IF THEY JUST MADE UP TOO?!?! I CAN'T- 😭😭😭

"(and we keep living anyway),

we rise (and we fall),

we fall (and we break),

(and we make our mistakes),

and if there's a reason i'm still alive,

when so many have died."

might go back to this if ive thought of even more but for now i'm ending this here and gonna cry about it 😭😭

THE LAST OF US PART 2 SPOILERS!

howl you have HURT me with this one. so badly. my heart hurts. i’m gonna add my thoughts hope this is ok <3

FIRST. LETS TALK ABOUT THE SONGS. especially the other side by ruelle?? HELLO??? “i don’t want to leave here without you” …. stop it. i’m in so much pain. “i don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you” SCREAMING. this hurts me so much and it fits for all of the characters AND AND “i don’t want to know who we are without each other” i cant do this today howl i really cant. it’s interchangeable between the scenarios as well i-

“and if there’s a reason i’m still alive when everyone who loves me has died” stop. i’m gonna cry and shout and sob and yell.

lets think about this scenario, shall we?

warning: graphic content, death, weapons, blood, canon-typical, grief, aftermath of r dying. you should know what’s happened if you’ve come past the keep reading thingy. pls read at your own risk <3 its not written as a proper fic/drabble (although there’s an idea) but still, be careful of the content you consume !!!!

lets say that reader and jesse were partnered up to take joel and tommy off of patrol. lets say that reader is fucking terrified when the miller bros don’t show up. lets say that jesse agrees to go and find dina and ellie while reader goes ahead to look for joel and tommy, fearing the worst.

lets say reader hears that gunshot, and rushes in, guns blazing. lets say she shoots owen in the shoulder when she pushes the door open, because he’s the first person she sees. lets say manny takes her down, gets her gun off of her, while joel is yelling as he realises who it is.

lets say joel is yelling, “get your hands off of her” and “don’t you touch her” while the others hold him down, tommy already knocked flat out. lets say abby is stood there, looking between you baring your teeth as you’re held down by manny and joel yelling for you. lets say she’s angry, she’s angrier than she’s ever been. lets say that she looks at you and sees herself, and she looks to joel only to see what he took from her.

lets say reader is looking at joel, at his leg that’s almost beyond saving, lets say reader is praying that jesse, dina and ellie are quick. she’s sure that if they got here soon, the four of you could get the upper hand. joel would be okay, if only the others were quick.

lets say abby looks at joel one more time, and spits “move him”, and she looks to reader while the others pull joel away, while he’s kicking and screaming the whole way.

lets say they pull reader over towards the wall, all looking at abby nervously.

lets say when she swings at reader’s head the first time, she’s still struggling, looking over to joel as one of the group hits him across the head with their gun. lets say the second time, she goes down, and they don’t need to hold reader against the wall anymore.

“don’t,” reader would say, “please, i-” lets say abby hitting her again would cut anything else off, and some of the group have to rush to the door when it opens, and reader blinks bleary eyes over to see ellie, and almost sighs with relief until she’s taken down.

lets say reader waits, vision swimming, to hear or maybe see jesse and dina come through the doorway, guns blazing. lets say reader tries not to cry when they don’t come.

“stop it! she had nothing to do with this” ellie would say, despite not knowing why the group was here, why they were doing this. “i’ll kill you, i’ll fucking kill you! stop,” she would be begging, pleading, as they hold her head against the floor, lets say she’d try and pull away, try and get to reader as abby would swing again.

lets say joel hears ellie scream as he starts to wake up, his first and only image being reader with her face covered in blood and- they hit him across the head again, and he’s out.

lets say jesse and dina come, and dina almost doesn’t shout for jesse to come down. lets say jesse almost passes out when he pushes the wooden door open. lets say that he shouts, and he’s on his knees beside reader in a second, not touching, hands just hovering, and lets say he doesn’t know what to do. lets say he holds in his tears as he turns to where tommy is blinking into consciousness. lets say he blocks the man’s view of you until he’s pushed aside.

lets not say how joel is unresponsive when he wakes up, even though dina had pulled a sheet to cover the sight in front of him, lets not say that none of them can get him to speak even when they pull him up, on his half-fucked leg, tourniquet wrapped around his thigh from the very group who had-

here’s what we shouldn’t think about this situation!

lets not think about tommy having to go home to maria, to his son, and look her in the face to tell her what happened. lets not think about maria demanding to see reader, demanding for someone to tell her it’s not fucking true.

lets not think about how joel can’t be there when reader is buried, stuck in the infirmary, because he’s alive. he’s alive and reader isn’t. lets not think about that.

lets not think about how jesse would blame himself, would never forgive himself for letting her go searching alone, how he would carry that blame forever.

lets not think about ellie sitting in reader’s shop, looking at the clay reader had set out that morning, ready for when she’d be home later on in the evening. lets not think about all the flowers that would be laying outside of the shop, obscuring ellie’s view out of the windows.

lets not think about tommy leaving maria when she needed him most.

lets not think about ellie and dina going after him.

lets not think about joel, finally being let out of the infirmary, heading back to Rancher Street, not knowing what else to do. lets not think about joel being completely despondent, about him finding the mug that reader had made sat on the counter from the coffee he’d had in it just before he had gone on patrol.

lets not think about joel finding out his whole family has gone to avenge reader, when its his fault she’s gone. lets not think about him limping to the stables, demanding to go after them. lets not think about jesse helping him sneak away.

lets not think actually.

(i could add more to this. expand on other things that could happen in this situation. but. i’m sad. i will if yall want tho >:])

[beezusvreeland]

a very good idea - chapter 9

summary: After your boyfriend cheats on you at a party, you break up with him, who tells you nobody else is willing to be with you like him. You decide to prove him wrong, with a little help from a new friend.

ship: miguel o'hara x f!reader

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 9

“Hey!”

With the corner of your eyes, you saw Miles running in your direction. You felt both relieved and upset that it wasn’t Miguel. 

“Are you going already?”, he reached you and touched your arm. 

You turn to him, face full of tears.

“Hey, hey, what happened? Are you hurt? Do you want me to get someone?”, Miles sounded desperate. 

You shook your head, pursing your lips. His arms embraced you into a hug, his chin on top of your head. You started crying on his chest. Miles tightened his grip.

“It’s ok, it’s ok…you’re gonna be ok”, he whispered. After a while, your sobs slowed down. “Do you want me to take you home?”

“J-J-Jenna is coming to get me.”

“Jenna? That’s your sister, right?”

You nodded, breathing deeply. 

“Okay, good”, he loosened the hug, looking down at you. “I will wait here with you.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I have nowhere else to be.”

“You should be inside dancing with Gwen.”

“I’m alright…”, Miles stops abruptly, separating from you. “Wait, what?!”

“Oh, fuck”, you covered your mouth, realizing what you had just said. 

“Why do you think I should be dancing with Gwen?”

“Sorry, forget about it, I have no idea…”

“Oh, no, you sounded pretty sure. Why did you say that?”, he pleaded, looking nervous and hopeful. Even though you were new friends, you felt so much love for him at that moment.

“You really like her, huh?”

Miles looked at his sneakers, kicking a small rock. He then looked back at you and nodded. 

“Yeah...I do. Like, a lot.”

“Well, for the love of God, don’t tell her I told you”, you pointed at him, whose eyes widened. “She likes you too.”

“Are you for real???”, Miles has his hands on his head. “Yo!”, he starts laughing, shaking his head. That brought a smile to your face. To learn you are your crush’s crush, what a concept. “What is even happening? What should I do?”

The beats from “Making the most of the night”, by Carly Rae Jepsen, made you look back at the house where the party was happening. You felt like you could see things much clearer now. 

You regret spending so much time hiding yourself for the comfort of others. You had done your best back then and there was nothing you could do about the past. But the present and the future were other ordeals. You were sad about fighting with Miguel and disappointed at his lack of reaction or sympathy for you. However, speaking your truth out loud felt liberating. It was as if a part of yourself you had no idea about had just woken up. 

“Tell her how you feel or show her, I don’t know, just don’t waste anymore time.”

He nods and puts his hands on your shoulders. “Thank you, I…thank you”, Miles looks at you and, before you know it, he is hugging you again. 

“You got this”, you let go and give him an encouraging smile. 

Jenna’s black beaten up minivan arrives at the street.  

“Let me know how it goes”, you said.

“Yeah yeah”, he chuckled. 

You went to the car and, as you opened the door, Miles shouted: “Yo, Jenna! Drive home safely, precious cargo and all!”. 

Jenna laughed, rolling her window down. 

“I will do my best!” 

Pressing the car horn three times, she drove away.  

***

It was past midnight as you and Jenna sat inside the car, eating hamburgers and fries at a McDonald’s parking lot. Focused on the food, you only spoke to ask each other for ketchup or napkins, “A Little Bit in Love”, by Sarah Close, playing on the radio, the type of sad and mellow song the stations loved to play late at night.

Jenna turned the volume down as she finished her chocolate shake. It took a while for you to realize she wasn’t driving home after the party. When you questioned, your sister said she was craving McDonald’s and wanted to enjoy the little time she had to herself while her kid and husband were asleep at home.

“Feeling better?”, she asked, grabbing an elastic from her pocket and putting her hair up in a bun.

You nodded.  

“Good”, Jenna turned to her side to get a better look at you. “Now tell me, who’s the boy?”

“What?”, you snapped out of the thoughts that were trapping you inside your own head.

“So there is a boy, okay…”, she chuckled. “Who is he?”

“Jen…”, you groaned.

“Come on, Bubbles, it’s me. I bet you’ve been beating yourself about whatever this is for a while in silence.” 

She was right and you knew it. You were also well aware that she wouldn’t let you escape from this conversation. Even though you were different from each other, your sister had always been extremely protective of you. Now that you were closer to adulthood than childhood, the two of you grew closer, being able to talk eye to eye. 

“I hope it isn’t Harry again, I taught you better than to go back to shitty exes”, she played, but had an edge to her voice.

“It isn’t Harry”, you were defeated, exhausted from the getting ready, going out, embracing the possibility of new love just to burst into pain and tears. After eating a greasy meal wearing Jenna’s spare and comfortable sweatshirt, your body started to relax. It was like all that was left inside your brain was static.

“Harry said some things when we broke up that triggered my insecurities”, you went on. “Stuff like…I’m never going to find someone who will accept me.”

Jenna rolled her eyes.

“Who does he think he is?”

You shrugged, shaking your head lightly. 

“That kind of triggered me, so I made a deal with this kid who needed to increase his grades. Basically, I will help him and he will pretend to be my boyfriend for a while.”

“And this boy…just accepted that?”

“Yeah, almost immediately.”

Your sister frowned, you could imagine all the cogwheels turning as she tried to process that information.

“Why would you do that, Bubbles?”, Jenna didn’t even try to hide the sadness in her voice.

“I thought that if Harry saw me with someone…out of my league, he would feel bad, jealous, I don’t even know anymore”, you lean your head on the window. “Maybe I’d come out on top and prove him wrong and feel better about it.”

What were you even saying? You thought you sounded stupid and insane. There was so much more to unpack than you had imagined. 

You look back at your sister, who quietly waits, letting you take your time. Instead of keeping that rhythm, you went into full panic mode. 

“I guess I acted in the heat of the moment and kept going and now I think I’m feeling…things for Miguel, and I let myself believe that he was too, but I guess stupid Harry was right…”

“No no no, pause!”, Jenna tugged your ear gently, as she used to when you were little and, instead of paying attention to her or the task at hand, you would get lost in your own world. As always, it worked. “Let’s take a breath”, she had a concerned expression on her face. 

“First of all, Harry is a dipshit playboy who never deserved you. Second, did you ever consider that the things he said to you say more about him than you?”, Jenna had listened enough, she was going to give you a piece of her mind and there was no stopping it. “Can you imagine living in that creepy empty mansion with Norman Osbourne of all people? Jesus, what a nightmare. Get out of your own head for a bit, Bubbles”, Jenna said, making you look at her. “Harry might’ve been your boyfriend for a long time, but you were his too. I bet he never had a serious girlfriend before.”

She was right. When you thought about it, Harry did have a few girlfriends before you, but no actual relationship that lasted more than a few weeks at a time. 

“And yes, your whole deal with this Miguel kid is kind of weird and unlike you, but he accepted it. Apparently, enough for you to even come to a party. An actual high school party”, she emphasized, a smile on her lips. “I know there is a lot going on right now, but it makes me so happy to see you going through actual high school experiences.”

And…the tears were back. They reached Jenna’s eyes too.

“After everything you went through, you are still here, healthy, looking pretty wearing what I know to be the pair of earrings I let you borrow months ago”, the two of you laughed. “With music and friends who you will help dress and who will miss a chunk of the party to make sure you’re going home safely. You’ve come a long way.”

“I didn’t think I had anymore liquid in my body for tears”, you chuckle, whipping them with the sleeve of Jenna’s sweatshirt. 

The two of you stay in silence for a few moments recovering.

“This Miguel kid…is he nice to you?”

“Yeah”, you said, almost to yourself. “There is something about him…It’s like I’m a different version of myself around him.”

“A version too different of who you are?”

“If anything, when I’m with him is when I feel like myself the most.”

***

You woke up the next day feeling disoriented. Looking at your phone, you realize you slept for more than 12 hours. A lot of notifications come through: from spam emails to texts from Jess, Gwen, Miles and

Miguel: can we talk?

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a very good idea playlist

[asukiess]

Super random question, but I feel like you'd have a good answer:

Do you have any book/movie/scene/song/etc. that makes you cry every time you read/watch/listen to it?

hahahaha yes I love being moody!!!

ok gonna break it down for all the things that I revisit to make me cry:

movies: wolf children (I’ve seen this movie 7 times and it never fails to make me cry at various points) & eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (I’ll shed a few tears now but what strikes me is the absolute sadness this movie evokes). Her also makes me quite upset. The first time I watched When Marnie Was There, I sobbed so hard I got a headache and was blindly rapidly to read the subtitles through my blubbering. The same can be said for when I watched Grave Of The Fireflies—legitimately, during my sob, I thought I might call out sick from the work the next day lmao I was like how… can I live… after watching that…

songs: moon song by phoebe bridgers. when she loved me by sarah mclachlan still fuckin gets me (or when he loved me by Samantha barks!). My backwards walk by Manchester orchestra (although specifically the death cab version on Spotify lol). the whole hospice album by the antlers is whew… have cried to that…!!

I can’t thiiiiiiink of a book that’s made me cry recently… and so so many fics have made me actually cry. one of which is thirteen by anna-scribbles & we’ll find your new color by emsy and ya’aburnee by rosekasa and the touch of her hand but mind the rating/tag. probably a bunch of others too but those come to mind immediately. oh and penumbra by selkie made me weep!

[variety-fangirl]

Regret / JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Part 1 here

Summary: after a month of not seeing or talking to your ex JJ, you finally see him at your welcome home party at the boneyard. JJ confronts you, giving you all the dreaded answers you wished you'd know before. But can you forgive him?

Warnings: 18+ NO MINORS, NSFW, swearing, drinking, JJ confessing his feelings, angst, fluff, smut (oral receiving and giving, fingering, unprotected penetration, hair pulling, dirty talk etc...)

Authors note: so here's part 2! I'm so happy you guys wanted to read more of this story 😁 so thank you my loves! It means a lot. A song I unintentionally listened to whilst writing this and felt it fit so well is:

Word count: 2.3k

"I know! I should've told you, but fuck! I'm not used to being loved and open with someone fully, Y/N. It's hard, and I've never loved someone so deeply that it takes over everything I know!" JJ exclaimed, stepping closer to you. His hands were beside your face, pressed against your car door. His face was close, an expression you couldn't quite read adorning his beautiful features. Your breathing was short and erratic, shocked by his loving confession.

Clouding your thoughts with unconditional vulnerability and love. This was the most open JJ had ever been with you. "You consume my whole being, your love is intoxicating and clouds my judgment. I want to be the best for you, and do the best for you. And I fucked up, I know! But damn it Y/N, I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about you every day." The tears continued to flow at his confession, feeling thankful that his love for you was as strong as yours for his.

Two weeks after the break-up, JJ sat in one of the hammocks outside the chateau. A now lukewarm beer lazily resting in his hand, as he stared mindlessly drunk at the scenery in front of him. Sarah, John B, Pope, and Kie stood on the porch worrying about him. For two weeks they had watched him drink, smoke, and wallow in his room at the chateau. They were going to leave him to himself, getting ready to go back inside, until JJ got up from the hammock and stumbled around.

JJ took a large swig from his drink and then threw it on the ground, the glass smashing all around his feet. He began screaming, grabbing whatever he could get a hold of, being bottles of full and empty beer. He threw them to the ground with force, wanting to make himself feel better. John B and Pope ran over quickly, the girls following behind, they didn't want him to hurt himself. John B grabbed JJ and stopped him from throwing anything else.

JJ thrashed around in his arms, trying to fight free from John B's hold. John B was patient, waiting for his friend to calm down enough to stop fighting him. After a minute or so, a large sob escaped JJ and he stopped fighting him. John B sank to the ground with him, holding him tight and nodding in understanding. JJ continued to scream and sob loudly, holding onto John B's arms. John B understood what his best friend needed at that moment, wanting to comfort him the best he could.

Pope moved the glass out of the way and put the beers away, JJ had drunk enough for the next month. Sarah and Kie slowly walked over, looking at each other in worry for the blonde-headed boy. They knelt down and wrapped their arms around JJ and John B, resting their heads on JJ's back, letting him know they were there for him with no judgment.

Pope stood to the side awkwardly, unsure of what to do. So, he did the only thing he could think of and joined the ball of tangled bodies on the ground. Wrapping his arms around Kie and John B, his head leaning on JJ's arm. They were all unsure of how long exactly they stayed like that, comforting and just holding JJ, but they stayed like that as long as JJ needed them to.

"This past month has been absolute hell without you Y/N, I can't lose you for good. Please give me the chance to prove to you that I won't hurt you again and will treat you the way you deserve. Please, baby." He whispered the last part, staring intently into your eyes. You could feel the emotions he was trying to convey, your heart aching. You considered it, for a year he hadn't hurt you, until that day anyway.

And the only reason he did it was that he wanted to protect you, thinking a break-up was the best way to do so. He'd always treated you amazingly, making sure you were okay and showering you with love. You were utterly besotted with JJ, he was "the one" as they said. "Okay." You nodded, giving him a small smile. JJ's eyes went so wide that you thought they might pop out of their sockets. You laughed at this, your body being grabbed.

"Okay what? I need to hear you say it." He ushered, waiting for you to confirm his desires and wants. JJ couldn't believe that the girl of his dreams was potentially giving him a second chance, to make things right. "Okay, I will give you a chance." You confirmed, watching as a Cheshire cat grin appeared on his face. Your body was lifted off the ground, a squeal escaping your lips.

JJ put your giggling self back on the ground and pulled you close, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have you, I love you." You were pulled into his warm embrace, his cologne overwhelming your senses, his arms wrapping around your small frame. "I love you too." You whispered contently, feeling completely overjoyed that he loved you also still. You were pulled back, JJ's eyes meeting yours. "Say it again." He pleaded, biting his lip and his features softening.

"I love you JJ Maybank, forever and always, you will have my entire being." You grabbed his hand and placed it above your heart, "yours." JJ leant down and rest his forehead against yours, a sigh and chuckle escaping him. "Can I kiss you?" He muttered breathlessly with a smile, his hands grabbing your face. "Please." You almost begged, craving the feeling of his lips on yours after so long. JJ leant down and softly placed his lips against yours, moulding perfectly together.

Your mouths moved in perfect harmonious sync like they were made for one another's pleasure. Your hands reached up to tangle in his soft long locks, pulling slightly, causing a moan to leave him. "God I missed this." He panted, pulling you back in once more. Your body was pushed against the car, and lifted, your legs wrapped around his waist immediately. A moan escaped you of its own accord, the feeling of his body pressed against yours was utter bliss. "Want to get out of here?" He panted, you nodding in return, you needed him badly.

-

You'd both hurried to drive your car back to the chateau, eager to explore each other's bodies after a month away. But once here, JJ decided to take his time. He was being so gentle and slow, savouring the moment. Your back was lowered onto the mattress, and JJ knelt above you shirtless. JJ leaned over and helped you to remove your dress, lifting it slowly. He placed a trail of gentle yet sensual kisses from your stomach to your shoulder, multiple gasps escaping your open lips.

JJ groaned once he realised you were braless, your nipples already rock hard and waiting for attention. JJ led you back down on the bed and cupped your right breast, his mouth wrapping around it slowly. You gasped and arched your back, his free hand playing with your left breast. Moans rolled off your tongue, your body still just as responsive and sensitive to his touch after all this time.

He trailed kisses down your body and reached where you needed him most. He placed kisses against your clothed core, teasing you. He grabbed ahold of your panties and dragged them down your thighs painfully slow, more kisses following their trail. He lowered his mouth to your core and licked a long stripe up your folds, you moaned in delight. "So fucking beautiful," JJ mumbled against your core. His tongue flicked and licked against your clit, whilst he inserted one of his fingers inside you.

You gasped loudly, your back arching slightly and your head rolling back. "Look at me." He demanded softly, placing a small smack against your thigh. You whimpered, enjoying the sensation as you looked back down at him. Your hand reached down to tangle in his hair, pulling slightly which caused JJ to groan against your pussy.

He added a second finger, pumping in and out of you at a slightly quicker pace than before. Loud moans filled the room, from both you and JJ. You could feel the knot forming, the pressure in your stomach building and getting stronger by the second. "I'm close." You moaned breathlessly, pulling on JJ's messy strands from the repeated movements of your fingers. "Come for me, baby." He mumbled against you, his eyes staring straight into yours.

His assault on your pussy became almost unbearable, the pleasure unimaginable and his fingers working magic. He made the 'come here' motion with his fingers, hitting all the right spots and you were finished. You came with a scream, your back arching off the bed whilst JJ worked you through your orgasm.

Once satisfied that you'd finished fully, he stood up and began removing his shorts and boxers. His cock sprang free, a groan leaving his as it hit his stomach. You sat up, eyeing his cock hungrily, desperate to touch it. You crawled towards him and pulled his waist towards you, "what're yo- oh fuck!" JJ gasped, watching as you pumped him in your hand.

You began kitten licking the tip, dragging your tongue down the base and sucking his balls. JJ was stunned, just watching with a slightly ajar mouth. You wrapped your lips around the head, taking him all in your mouth slowly. A guttural moan left his mouth as your nose touched his public hair, almost all of him in your mouth.

You began bobbing your head up and down, using your hand for whatever you couldn't fit. JJ threw his head backwards, collecting your hair in one hand and helping to guide you. Tears filled your eyes, gagging slightly when he would deep throat you. "Stop gorgeous, as much as I love this, I want to come in your pretty pussy." You nodded, laying back down on the bed. You watched as he got on top of you, lining himself up with your entrance. You hiss, feeling the slight burning stretch.

JJ waited patiently for your signal to move more, rocking his hips slowly and gently. JJ began kissing you passionately, helping to distract you. You moaned, "Okay move." He nodded and adjusted his arms to lean on either side of your head. He began thrusting, fully pushing all of himself in, a deep groan escaping him. You moaned, throwing your head back against the pillow. "Look at me." He demanded breathlessly, you immediately stared into his eyes.

There was something extremely beautiful and vulnerable about staring into your partner's eyes as they made love to you, all your focus being on that person and holding them close. It creates a bond, that just pulls you together closer as a couple. JJ picked up his pace, indicating he was close. His fingers worked against your clit, pulling loud moans from you.

You were both close, JJ's hips pounding against yours, "together?" You nodded. " Oh fuck!" JJ pulled in for a sloppy but still amazing kiss, both reaching your highs together. You screamed, the euphoric pleasure rippling through your body. JJ collapsed on top of you, both breathing heavily as you came down from your highs.

JJ rolled off you and got up, going to the bathroom. He returned two minutes later with a washcloth, helping you to clean up. You both got settled into bed comfortably. "I love you." JJ turned to look down at you, your body cuddled into him as your head lay on his chest. His hand was stroking soft patterns up and down your bare arm, naked bodies pressed together. He smiled, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, "I love you too."

-

You both woke up early the next morning, feeling better than you had in a very long time. You stood in the kitchen, making some breakfast. Well trying to, as JJ kept hugging you from behind whilst kissing your neck and stroking the skin of your stomach. You were only in a pair of panties and JJ's t-shirt from yesterday, giving JJ easy access to tease you. You giggled, trying to wiggle free from his hold as you attempted to make scrambled eggs for everyone.

"Hey, I'm SO happy you guys are back together but please stop macking in front of us," Kie announced as she strolled in, a smile on her face despite her words. Pope strolled in behind her. You moved from JJ's arms and made a cup of coffee for the pair and passed it to them. You continued to make breakfast, JJ staying close whilst chatting with the pair. You'd have to speak to Kie about what was happening with her and Pope at some point.

Once everyone was finally up and had their way in, you placed plates of food down for everyone. Everyone took their seats and immediately dug in, "god, I missed your cooking Y/N." Sarah moaned, taking another mouthful. You giggled, thanking her and made your way to sit next to JJ. Choruses of agreement followed from everyone, cooking had always been a passion of yours and was something you missed doing for the group whilst away.

You took your seat, dug into your food and chatted with John B. JJ admired you, watching as effortlessly slot back in like you'd never even left. He found you incredibly beautiful at that moment, watching as you held a hot cup of tea in your hands, your hair behind your shoulders and laughed as you chatted with everyone. He missed this, he missed you. JJ wrapped his arm around your back, his hand placing on your thigh and drawing small soothing circles on the skin. You smiled against your cup, took a sip and placed your free hand on his thigh. You were both finally happy and whole once again, your hearts slotting back together as they were supposed to.

[jeonggukookies]

too young || six

summary: you and jungkook meet up after a surprise delivery happens at the school

word count: 2,018

genre:  parent!au, single dad!jungkook angst

one || two || three || four || five || six

When you thought about your first heartbreak, you’d thought you would be nonstop sobbing in your bed, being surrounded by empty jars of melted ice cream pints and sad movies. You thought that despite the distance, your mom would make the trip and drive all the way to see you, rub your back in small comforting circles and take care of you as if you were a sick child. You thought that everything would hurt so much that you wouldn’t even want to move. 

The only problem? Your first heartbreak didn’t feel like that at all. 

It was all practically numb.

You didn’t fall apart when you did something that reminded you of him. 

You didn’t start breaking down when you watched him pick up Jules and didn’t bother to come in to your office to say hi to you. 

You didn’t crumble to pieces when you had no notifications on your phone from him.

You lived your life normally again just without Jungkook and Jules. 

Alone.

There were no more screams or echoes of noise from Jules and her cousins when you peacefully relaxed, there was no more idle music playing in background as you did your work and there were no more soft breaths and snores next to you in your bed. 

Your mom called you every night on the phone, checking up on you. It was like she wanted you to cry and to feel some pain, just so she could go down there and be there for you. But you told her that you were fine and will deal with whatever negative feelings when they come. 

Life went on whether you liked it or not. 

Three weeks after the break up, at the end of March, there was a familiar knock on your office door after the last school bell rang. You haven’t talked to Jules since the night she found you looking at pictures of her mom, and you really hope it wasn’t awkward when you talk to her. 

It’s the first time you see Jules’s hair was down, strands of her hair going in every direction. She looks like a mess. Tears streamed down her face as she ran towards you, hugging your legs. “Can you help me?” 

“What’s wrong, Sweetie?” 

“I lost Jungkook’s mp3 player,” she cried, rubbing her face on your black dress pants to wipe her tears. “He’s going to kill me!” 

“It’s okay, Jules.” Bending down to comfort her, you wipe her face and stroke her hair. You’ve never seen her this sad, and it made your heart sink. “I’m sure he’ll understand. Things like this happen all the time. It’s okay.” 

She shook her head. “Auntie Moon Soo is coming soon, and I can’t leave without the mp3 player. I can’t.” 

“Why don’t we ask her to come look for it with you?” You asked softly. “That way 3 people are looking for it.” 

Namjoon’s wife, Moon Soo comes out of her van, she’s surprised to see you standing next to Jules. She doesn’t say anything to you at first and tries to reassure Jules that’ll be alright, that they will find it before Jungkook goes home tonight.

When it’s been over 30 minutes, retracing Jule’s steps from her locker to the gym to the playground, she goes to the bathroom, making you and Moon Soo wait outside for her. 

“I’m sorry we had to meet like this in this circumstance,” she said, offering a kind smile. “I heard a lot of great things about you, and I’m sorry things didn’t go well at the dinner with the girls.”

You hear Jules flush the toilet. “It is what it is.” 

“I know what it was like,” she said. “They made it seem like I wasn’t good enough for Joon, and we took a small break too. But at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel about Jungkook and Jules that matters more than their opinions, especially if they brought up Sarah.” 

“I’m almost done!” Jules shouted, turning on the sink. 

“But that doesn’t change the way Jungkook feels about Sarah.” Tears were forming in your eyes, and you bit your lip to hold them back. “But I’m glad you and Namjoon were able to overcome it.” 

“It’s been like what, almost a month? Jules knows Jungkook can easily buy her a new mp3 player, or even a phone, anything she wants, honestly. But think about it...I’m sure she misses you and is using this as an opportunity to spend time with you again.” 

“Can we check out my classroom?” Jules finally opened the door, getting out of the restroom. 

The three of you walk quietly over to her class where she looked through every desk (without touching their things) and looked over to the place where she reads books in the class. She lifted the bean bag in the corner of the room, revealing what she has been looking for this whole time. “Yay!” 

“See, everything is okay.” Moon soo smiled. “Are you ready to go, Jules?” 

She nodded, but then stared at you with her piercing eyes. “Is this going to be the last time you’re going to talk to me?” 

“Of course not, Jules.” You took a breath. “I’m here for you always.” 

“I have to tell you something.” But before she could tell you, she pointed at Moon Soo. “Why didn’t you go to the bathroom when we went, Auntie?” 

Moon Soo raised her eyebrows, then looked down at what Jules was pointing at. She then began holding on to her stomach with a pained look. “My water just broke.”

_______

“Hey!” Namjoon exclaimed, rushing through the hospital doors. Before he goes to Moon Soo’s room, he went towards your direction as you waited outside the room with Jules. “Thank you so much for bringing her here safely and for being there for her at that time. I seriously cannot thank you enough.”

“No worries,” you let out. “I’m glad I was there.” 

He’s about to say something, but you hear Moon Soo scream Namjoon’s name, making him go into the room as quickly as he can. 

Your phone in your blazer buzzed. 

[seokjin]

the whole fam is coming in about 10 minutes 

thank you for taking care of jules

will be there soon and you can leave

“Are you leaving when they come?” Jules asked as she looked down at your phone screen, seeing the texts from. “You’re not going to stay to see the babies?” 

“I don’t know yet.” You lied, knowing you were going to leave once someone is here able to take care and watch over Jules. As much as you wanted to see the twins, you didn’t want to see some specific people. You were doing fine right now in your life and didn’t want to ruin that if you saw Jungkook or some of the girls. “I have a lot of work to do still, Sweetheart.” 

“Will you see the babies with me on different day then?” 

“I hope so.” You couldn’t make an empty promise to her. “Are you excited to have more cousins?” 

She nodded. “I like my small family, but sometimes, I hate being alone. The cousins help me forget that I can’t have any brothers or sisters.”

You sighed, wrapping your arm around Jules. “Never forget that you will always have your family, your uncles, aunts and cousins to support you. They will always be there.”

“Will you?” She asked, looking up at you, once again, her eyes were so piercing.

“I hope so.” You rubbed her back in small circles. 

“I heard what Auntie said when I was in the bathroom,” she said. “I missed you, but I had to find this mp3 player. Jungkook’s new song is on here. I’m always the first to listen, and I didn’t want to lose this song.” 

“That’s good you found it then.” 

She’s about to tell you more, her mouth is slightly opened, but she doesn’t say anything more and started to stare in the direction behind you. Letting go of her, you turned behind, seeing Jungkook walking towards you two. 

He paused, not expecting to see you here, but then continued to walk forward as you looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m hungry,” Jules answered with a pouty look on her face.

He laughed, taking his leather wallet out of his back pocket. He hands her a couple dollar bills, telling her to get something for the three of them from the vending machine. “Go crazy.” 

“You know I will,” she joked. 

There’s awkward silence in the air now, with Jules gone. Jungkook then sat down in the empty chair beside you, with his head turned to you as you looked down at your hands in your lap. He doesn’t know where to start and what words to say. How ironic, coming from a songwriter. “Hey.”

“Hi.” 

“Did you eat yet?” He asked. 

“Nope,” you replied, still not looking at him. “Did you?”

“Not yet.”

“I should get going.” You finally took the first step, grabbing your purse off the ground. 

Before you could take another step, Jungkook reached forward and grabbed your wrist, stopping your movement. “I never loved her, you know.” 

You wanted to shake him off, go on your own way, but you kept standing in front of him, facing away from him. “What?” 

He sighed, wishing he could look you in the eyes. “I never answered you that day because I was too scared to admit it out loud. I never got to tell her either, and I knew she loved me. The thing was I only thought of her as a sister, someone I had to protect. And I was afraid that if I actually told someone that I didn’t love her before she got the chance to hear it from me, I would somehow hurt her even though she’s gone.” 

“Jungkook,” You said this name, but he kept talking.

“I know that’s no excuse, but I am so sorry. I never wanted you to feel like that, and I should have just told you. No one has been competing with you.” He let go of your hand and stood up. “I don’t want you to be Sarah because I love you for who you are. I want you for who you are. My life feels incomplete without you.”

Finally turning around, you stared at Jungkook. It’s the first time finally looking at him up close in three weeks, and he looked like death. Dark circles were under his eyes, his hair was a mess. You could tell Jungkook felt too much.

And he did. For the last three weeks, he got up every morning, trying to ignore the pain he was feeling in his heart. He tried to continue his life like everything was okay, but all he kept thinking about was you. He wanted you to see you when he picked Jules up from school. He wanted to hear you laugh when he watched a movie with Jules. He wanted to you next to him when he was alone on Wednesdays. He wanted to hear you cheer for Jules when he watched her soccer games. He just wanted you. 

With all the pain he had been feeling, he’s been trying to figure out his feelings and all the words he wanted to say to you that night, and now that he was finally letting all of it go, he was crying right in front of you.

“You saw me more than Jule’s guardian. I felt like you were the first person to honestly see me for me. I want to live spending more time with you, watching Jules’s games, hearing all your different opinions and views than mine. And I am so sorry that I damaged us in the process.”

“Hey, Y/N!” Namjoon rushed out of the room. His jaw dropped once he saw you and Jungkook together, looking all sad. Still, his smile on his face reappeared as he asked, “Do you guys want to see the babies?” 

____ 

hi this is so long overdue i apologize, i’ve honestly been stuck :( hope you all have a good day and enjoy permission to dance<33 lowkey not proofread either:/

[charlie-pippin-faraday]

fabina h/cs?

Oh yes I was hoping someone would ask me this. Warning this got very long I have a lot of thoughts and feelings

They are so sweet it makes everyone wanna barf sometimes

In S1 some of them (Mick, Mara, Alfie, Patricia) place bets on when they're gonna get together. Mick wins

During S2 Amber tries to get them together in a multitude of different ways. She tries mistletoe, the old "trapping them in a small dark room together" trick, conspiring with Patricia and Alfie to ensure they just so ~happen~ to find themselves alone together, etc.

Throughout S3, they literally never stopped thinking about each other

After graduation, it's a really turbulent and transitionary period in Fabian's life, and he has to assess what he really wants. And he realizes he never stopped loving Nina, and he wants to be with her again

Amber actively encourages him to go after her, saying he'll regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn't

Nina realizes the past year without him has been miserable. It's been awful not having her best friend by her side to talk to and confide in and do things with, and she's missed him so much. So when he reaches out, all of her feelings come rushing back with an intensity, and she decides she doesn't want to lose him again, and they get back together. For good this time.

They go to college in America together, and Fabian ultimately moves to her hometown of Cleveland to be with her

After college they work at a museum together looking at historical stuff all day long. They get to nerd out and they work together well; it's a dream job

Nina tries her best to introduce Fabian to American culture. Some of it is a bigger culture shock than others. Nina is always incredibly amused when he doesn't get words right or he gets flustered and confused at certain customs

He's not sure how he feels about American fast food

American pie, however, is his new favorite thing. Especially Nina's gran's pies

The Fourth of July scares him. But barbecues are nice

Nina is a fan of Cleveland's baseball team. She takes him to a game, and by god is he confused. He has trouble following. The first game is a lost cause. But once Nina points out how dependent the game is on math, then he starts to get the hang of it. A little bit

American driving, however, is horrifying to Fabian. Nina's a pretty good driver, and Fabian's fairly good (if not a bit stiff and nervous) at driving in the UK, but in America it's a whole different animal. Not only are they on the other side of the road, but the drivers here are fast and aggressive. It's very scary. The ONLY reason he eventually learns to do it the American way is because he wants to be able to take Nina out and be a competent enough man to drive a car around

Speaking of cars: one summer they definitely go on a cross-country road trip, just the two of them. It's meant to bring them closer and be romantic, and it is. They love looking at all the sights together, and Fabian is amazed by the sheer diversity of landscape and how gorgeous parts of the country can be. He TRIES to split the driving 50/50, but America is just so goddam BIG, like intimidatingly huge, and he's not used to driving for that long. The driving ends up being more like 70/30 in Nina's favor, but she doesn't mind. She gives Fabian the responsibility of making a road trip playlist, and he knocks it out of the park

At home, they enjoy cozy nights by the fireside, reading and snuggling under blankets

Sweaters! They are sweater people and I enjoy the image of them snuggling together in sweaters

Handwritten letters! They write each other handwritten letters all the time, especially in the summer between season 1-2 and the period of time between graduation and Fabian making the move to America. They both keep every single letter they receive and each keep them stored in a sentimental little box

They like to frequent old/used bookstores and antique shops. Their place is filled to the brim with odd knickknacks and collectibles that they find, and they have an entire wall with shelves piled high with books

They don't need a lot of fancy stuff, and they don't care about being high-class; they don't care much about appearances, and they don't need a lot. All they care about really is being together.

They learn to get better at communication and not let anyone else's opinion about their relationship impact their relationship. They're the only ones that know what's best for them, and they take things at their own pace

Nina can get overly emotional and stressed sometimes, and Fabian's her rock. That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be

They love to watch the discovery channel and the national geographic channel, along with netflix documentaries

They fuckin LOVE escape rooms, they use every excuse they can to go to escape rooms

Nina takes Fabian to the rock and roll hall of fame, and he's like a kid in a candy store

They are frequent patrons of their local coffee shop, to the point where all the baristas know who they are

They are very cheesy and sentimental all the time. Most everything they do is very thoughtful and has some kind of meaning

They like to write cute notes to each other and leave them around the house

It takes Fabian forever to actually propose to Nina, to the point where he gets calls from Amber just about every day asking when she's getting an engagement announcement. He just wanted to be careful and deliberate about it and make sure everything was perfect

He makes sure the proposal is simple and romantic. He sets up a candlelit dinner, the lights are low, he talks to her softly and sweetly and tells her he loves her and pops the question

Nina, surprisingly, does not cry. Fabian, however, definitely does when she says yes

He proposes with a family ring; his grandmother's ring. It's very sentimental and has a lot of history behind it, and we all know Nina loves that stuff, and the history and story makes her very emotional

He does what he should have done in S2 instead of writing a poem: he writes her a song and plays it for her on the guitar. It's her favorite thing he's ever done for her.

After the engagement they tell Amber before they tell anyone else, because she'd kill them if they didn't

They surprise her with a video call, and they don't tell her at first, but then Nina surprises her and shows off the ring, and Amber screams so loud they're convinced she's going to break glass.

Amber is even more excited than they are, she talks with them absolutely non-stop about their wedding. She even tries to take control of it at some point

Their wedding is a fairly small wedding; it takes place at an outdoor venue in the spring, at a beautiful location just outside her hometown in America. Mick is the best man and Amber is the maid of honor. Amber gives an incredibly emotional MOH speech and sobs buckets. Gran walks Nina down the aisle

Her wedding dress looks a little something like this; definitely something with long lacy sleeves

They have 3 kids, all girls

The oldest is Evelyn, named after Nina's gran. She's got dark hair, Nina's curls, Nina’s light blue eyes, and she looks like Fabian. She got Nina's courageous leadership side, she's very adventurous

The middle child is Sarah. She looks like someone legit photocopied Nina. Same hair color, same curls, same eyes, same general facial features. She got the intellectual and bookish side of both of them

The youngest is Eloise, kind of a little bit after Sarah's mother but mostly they just liked the name. Often they call her "Lou" and she definitely goes by that when she's older. She somehow got to be strawberry blonde, has less curls than her sisters, she has Fabian's blue-green eyes, and is a mix of them both when it comes to facial features. She got the part of them that liked to sneak around and break the rules; as she gets older she becomes very rebellious, and Nina jokes "are we sure this child came from me and not Patricia?"

All 3 girls are little troublemakers and they're partners in crime

At some points when the girls are a bit much Fabian gets stressed and shouts "we're outnumbered!!!!!"

Amber is their aunt and showers the girls with expensive presents all the time, especially clothes, which all of the girls LOVE. Nina and Fabian accuse her of spoiling them and she says "If I can't spoil them then what's the point of being the rich beloved aunt?"

The girls do indeed love Amber, all three of them adore her

When the girls get older they find the boxes of letters their parents wrote to each other, they think it's very sweet

Even as they get older, the two of them always set aside time to be romantic with each other

And they remain each other's best friend and confidante forever and ever

yo please feel free to keep sending me these! or asking me my opinions on stuff! this is a lot of fun!

[cherryyharryy]

i have an idea for a request (it’s totally ok if you don’t want to do it) like an angst-> fluff where one of harry’s songs accidentally gets leaked bc of y/n like she has something on a flash drive and the song is on another and they get mixed up and obviously he’s really mad at y/n and they have a fight he’s super snappy with her but something happens to her like she gets into a really big accidental or something and he forgives her bc he cares about her more tha the leaked song

WC: 2.7k

***

Damage control wasn’t even an option. 

Y/n sat there, staring at Harry’s laptop, numb to everything except the blaring desire to go back in time just two minutes. Two minutes is all she would need to undo possibly the biggest screwup of her life.

And the worst part is that this mistake ultimately doesn’t affect her. At least not in comparison to how it will affect Harry. And his band. And his team. Basically everyone involved with his career. 

Her mind is equally begging for her to shut down and come up with a plan—an excuse—something, Is there anyway this wasn’t my fault?  

She checks the time, her heart sinking to her stomach when she realizes Harry and his team will be back any minute. Any minute and she’s done for.

They’ve only been together for five months, officially. She’s still new to most everyone. She’s that girl Harry’s dating.

“I told you he played in that movie.” Jeff’s voice echoes outside the studio. Y/n closes the laptop and prays for strength. 

“I have him confused with someone else.” Harry bustles through the door, a small crowd of people filing in behind him, back to the spots they left an hour ago. “Hey darling,” he greets, “finish your paper?”

Y/n’s frozen, morbidly wishing he had found out about his song leaking on his own so she wouldn’t have to tell him. “Uh, almost.”

He kisses the top of her head and hands her a cup of frozen yogurt. “Your favorite.” 

“Thanks.” She sets it on the table she’s sat at while Harry pulls up a chair beside her. “Aren’t you guys still working?”

He waves in the direction of his band, “Mitch’s gotta fix his guitar.” He snickers, and slides his laptop out from under y/n’s hands. “Had a bit of an accident in the car.” 

Y/n’s head tingles with what must be nerve damage, her place in this world, her place in this room, decreasing in value as Harry opens his computer.

“It’s gonna melt.” He nods to her yogurt.

“I’m not hungry.”

He furrows his brow. “You alright?”

“Mhm.” She looks around the room, everyone busy getting back to work, light chatter passing among them. “Uh, actually, I uh, I have to tell you something.” Y/n tries to swallow the lump in her throat with no luck.

“Okay…” He shuts the laptop and gives her his full attention.

“Okay, um—”

“What the fuck!?” The room freezes as everyone turns toward Jeff. “Harry someone’s got a hold of your song!” 

Harry scrambles to his manager, complete shock on his face as they both stare down at Jeff’s phone. “Fuck.” They start to play a video, the sound of a girl screaming, with Harry’s unconsented voice playing in the background, fills the room. “How the hell did this happen?” He’s gritting through his teeth, neck red, veins bulging in his hands as he rips the phone out of Jeff’s hand. “HOW? Someone answer me!”

Y/N considers keeping quiet. Playing innocent. What good will it do to confess anyway? It’s not like it’ll undo what she’s done.

Sarah chimes in from across the room, “It looks like it happened half an hour ago. That’s when this video I’m looking at was posted.”

Y/n’s staring down at her lap, holding her head up with her fingers pressed into her temples when Harry slings himself back into the chair next to her.

“All that work, all that fucking work,” he nearly growls, “for some cunt to spread my unfinished song around for a buck.”

Y/n peers up to the room, a completely different picture compared to five minutes ago. Now there’s talk of lawyers and pressing charges while everyone shuffles around. Jeff slams the door as he steps out with his phone to his ear, and y/n knows she can’t claim denial, it’ll only make things worse.

“Uh, Harry?”

“What is it?” He doesn’t look at her, eyes glaring at his phone while another video plays of a group of people reacting to his song. “Glad they fucking like it.”

“Harry?”

“What, y/n?”

She shrinks under his gaze, mouth dry as she forces her confession out. “I uh, this is all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m so, so sorry. And I’ll do anything—I know I can’t fix it—but...”

Harry’s tongue presses against the inside of his cheek, his eyes narrowing in on her as a morbid silence forms a little bubble around them. “Go on,” he whispers with grit, “finish what you were gonna say.”

She stutters, desperately trying to figure him out. “I’m just sorry. It was an accident.”

“An accident? How did you even manage to do this?”

“I—”

“Do you have any idea what this accident means, y/n?”

She reluctantly shakes her head no.

“How the fuck did you do this?”

“I—I don’t know...I was taking a break from my paper, and, I don’t know Harry.” She’s in tears now, warm and salty as they spill down her cheeks. Her mouth wobbles around another apology, but no sounds make it out.

“Fix it.”

“What?”

He stands up, yanking his laptop off the table, pausing to glare at her one last time. “I said, to fix it.” With that he storms across the room, slinging the door open just as Jeff reenters.

“Harry, your attorney—”

“Forget it.” He turns around and points his phone towards y/n silently sobbing in the corner. “She’s gonna handle it.” He takes one step out into the hall and stops, spinning on his heels to face the studio. “Don’t speak to me until you do.”

Mitch’s guitar that was fixed and propped against the wall, crashes to the floor when Harry slams the door. 

Chatter passes around the room one more time, only now everyone seems to be in agreeance—that girl never should have been allowed in the studio, and maybe, Harry should break up with her.

***

Early morning rain fell outside Harry’s apartment. It was still dark, street lamps burning through the fog in the city below. His home fills with coffee as he pours his fifth cup; the prior four never offering more than a few sips before he had abandoned them somewhere, the counter, mantle, bookshelf, because he can’t talk without his hands.

Y/n sits on his couch. It’s velvet and pink and too big for one person. She hated it the first time he invited her over. If he breaks up with her, she’s going to tell him how ugly it is.

“I don’t know what you expect me to do.” She’s exhausted. She hadn’t hesitated to drive over when he finally responded to one of her hundreds of texts in the week since the mishap. But now she regrets it. They’ve been going in circles with the same argument for the past four hours. She’s convinced he invited her over just to be mean. She sighs, rubbing her temples. “I said I was sorry. You know that I’m sorry. And you know that I never, ever in a million years, would have done something like this on purpose.”

“I’m allowed to be angry with you. I have every right to be.”

“Do you, though?” She straightens up on his ugly couch and looks at him leaning against the doorframe that leads into the kitchen. “Aren’t you a little tired of hating me? God Harry, everyone else in the whole world has moved on except you.”

“It’s not everyone else’s song, is it? It’s not everyone else’s months and months of hard work. It’s not everyone else’s unfinished art? Nobody else is having to deal with a girlfriend that is so careless, so thoughtless, that she actually managed to leak my song!”

“Stop raising your voice at me!”

“You had no business snooping around my computer anyway! I told you you could work on your fucking paper, not to go prying around my personal shit!”

“You know what,” she scoffs, shooting up off the couch, “this argument is so pointless. You didn’t want me here so we could talk. You just wanted to torture me because you’re mad that people don’t love your stupid song.”

“What the fuck did you say?”

She brushes his shoulder as she passes by him, and a drip of his coffee spills onto his hand. He curses, and follows her into the kitchen where he lays his final cup down on the island.

“You’re being a baby because people aren’t fawning over you like they usually do.” She shrugs and slings her bag over her shoulder. “It’s not your best song, Harry.”

The veins in his neck strain against his flaming skin. His cheeks are sucked in, and if he bites down on the skin any harder he’ll puncture his face. “Get the fuck out.”

“I was already leaving, dumb ass.” She strides by him once more, practically feeling the heat steaming off his body. When she gets to the front door, she pauses with her hand on the knob. “Your couch is hideous, by the way. Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you have to buy shitty looking stuff.”

When she slams the door behind her, the apartment shakes, and cold coffee spills from each cup.

***

It’s nearing five a.m. when y/n backs out of the complex. Her wipers race across the windshield, but do nothing against the downpour wreaking havoc in the city. She does her best to stay on what she assumes is her side of the road, swerving to the right each time headlights blind her.

“Shit.” Nothing is open, and she can’t even see where it would be safe to pull over to let the rain pass. But her home isn’t that far, and traffic isn’t too bad. 

She comes to a stop at a red light, only to realize she missed a left turn she should’ve made a minute ago. “Damn it. Fucking hell.”

As soon as the light turns green, she spins the wheel to make a U-turn, and if it hadn’t been for the rain, and her own clouded mind, and Harry’s voice echoing in her ears, she might have seen the truck who didn’t even try to avoid her.

***

It’s the headache from hell that wakes her up. And it’s the sterile smell of hospital that jogs her memory. And it’s a nurse not much older than y/n that says something about you’re lucky to be alive. 

She’s poked and prodded and asked a thousand questions before her IV is adjusted and a pill to ease one of the many pains scratching her body is handed to her in a small plastic cup. A police officer repeats half of this process, and somewhere in the mess of her reality, she learns that the other driver was sending a text to his wife when he plowed into her car. He’s at home and she’s here. Lucky to be alive.

She made calls to her mom and friends, and even managed to type out a decent email to her professors for her upcoming absence in class.

When she automatically pulled up Harry’s name on her phone, the last text he sent, the one inviting her over so he could make her more miserable than she already was, sat there in all its taunting glory.

What is she even supposed to say? Hey, I know you hate my existence right now, but I’m lying here in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped around my head. It’d be cool if you stopped by.

It’s not long before the sun pops up and reminds y/n of just how early it is. The clouds part, and it’s like it had never even rained, like it had never even been dark for hours, and if she closes her eyes, y/n can pretend that the past week hadn’t even happened.

***

 “How are you feeling today?” The nurse checks y/n’s IV, humming after her question.

“Just sore. Ready to get out of here.”

“We’ve started the paperwork, so shouldn’t be too long. Who’s coming to get you?”

Y/n blinks, feeling stupid she hadn’t thought this far ahead. She doesn’t even have a car anymore. The nurse looks over the computer monitor, waiting for a response.

“Uh, my friend.”

“Awesome. Dr. Kirby has to come check on you one last time before you leave. I’ll go see if he can stop by now, if you want to let your friend know.”

As soon as the nurse is out the door, y/n scrambles to turn her phone back on, and once it is, her lock screen is filled with missed calls and unanswered texts.

She’ll respond later; gives her something to do in the car to occupy her in front of Harry. 

She can’t call him. Harry’s not a monster, although the past week doesn’t exactly prove her case, but she knows he wouldn’t refuse to come get her. If anything, he’ll be annoyed she didn’t tell him about the accident sooner. But she’s too emotional to deal with hearing his voice.

She types out a text recounting her last 24 hours, along with the name of the hospital. He immediately reads it, and a moment later he’s trying to call.

To: Harry

I’m too tired to talk rn

She lies. And it works.

From: Harry

I’ll be there as fast as i can

***

“Baby?”

Y/n cracks her eyes open, irritated she never quite fell asleep. Confused as to why Harry’s calling her baby. Angry that she cares. And the next words out of his mouth are ones she’d been predicting.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve dropped everything. You’ve been here all alone, shit. Are you okay? What hurts?”

He’s hovering over her, fidgeting, unsure if he can touch her.

“I’m fine now. Just sore. And tired.”

“Fuck I can’t believe this, I—”

“The doctor already said I can go. I’m not allowed to walk out on my own, so, you need to let the nurse know you’re here. She’ll take me down in a wheelchair.”

“Baby I’m so sorry-”

“No, Harry. You would still be busy hating my guts right now—”

“Hate you? I don’t hate you?”

“Well you did a great job this week making me feel otherwise.”

Harry sighs, gripping the bed frame and dropping his chin to his chest. When he looks back up he has tears brimming his eyes. “I’m sorry,” his voice cracks. “I know I’ve been an ass this week. I—you were right. I took out my anger from no one lovin’ the song on you.”

“Well it’s not no one. A lot of people did. And it’s unfinished anyway. You wouldn’t enjoy a meal if it was only cooked halfway.”

He nods, but y/n knows he’s only accepting her words because of the situation.

“You mean so much more to me than a leaked song. I’m sorry I treated you like shit. And that I—I made you think I hated you. You have every right to hate me.”

“You annoy the hell out of me, but I don’t hate you.”

His lips twitch, but a few tears slide down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” She takes his hand off the rail and smoothes her thumb across his knuckles. “You can make it up to me by getting me out of here.”

“I can do that.” He kisses the top of her head and hits the remote to call for the nurse.

“You can really kiss me, y’know. I’m not gonna break.”

He’s hesitant, but slowly lowers his head to press his lips to hers. He’s timid, and his lips are still damp from tears, but it’s more relieving than either of them would ever admit.

The nurse ends their moment when she pops in the room, pushing a wheelchair in front of her. “Hi, you must be y/n’s friend.”

“Friend?” He peers down at y/n, suggestion lacing the word. “Care to explain?”

“Not really, I’m so tired.”

“Mhm.” He clicks his tongue, supporting her arm as she swings her legs off the bed. Once she’s standing and steady, he tucks her hair behind her ear and bends down so his mouth can graze her lobe. “Since we’re just friends, I guess you’ll have to sleep on my ugly couch.”

[seraphdarlimg]

wish I were (pt2)

 harry acts like everything is good and dandy but reader sees Heather wearing the sweater

part 1 here

‘heather’ by conan gray WARNINGS - ANGST WORD COUNT - 1,892

A/N: hehe because it was december 3rd, I just had to get this chapter done to post even if it might be a little late but here ya go 

____________________________________________________________

      My guitar rested on my thigh as i brought my head down to lay on the fret, staring at the blank piece of lined paper in front of me. I sighed, turning my head away and just bathed in the silence of the separate room from the main studio. The weight on my chest might of suggested the frustration out of my creative block, unable to produce words or lyrics for the past weeks. Or that I was progressively losing the will to even pick up an instrument, as strumming the strings took a lot of energy for me to do. 

The oversized hoodie I brought kept me warm, but i knew that wasn't satisfying enough. However the idea of wearing one of his hoodies I've place in a closed box in the corner of my apartment hurt too much and that now I'm back in the studio after weeks of trying to avoid coming here at all costs. After the New Year's party, I've done nothing but wallow up in my apartment alone, trying to come up with songs as quickly as possible just so I could get this project done and over with. That proved to be difficult however, especially with Harry trying to call on a normal basis.

  "Helllooo bubs, why haven't you been showing up at the studio eh?" "You said at the beginning of this project that I could work at home whenever I want. I'm just taking you up on that offer." "Of course, you'd remember me sayin' that. How've you been love, haven't seen you in a while though." "Fine, just been doing my job." "Well yeah, can't write all these lovely songs without your talent, can I? You gonna come in tomorrow then?" 

I hesitated for a second, biting my tongue when I felt my eyes pool up again. "I'll just send a pdf of lyrics to you Harry." "O-oh. Well that would conventionally work... yes but you have to come in tomorrow though." "Why? Just text me what you like and don't like about the verses and I'll fix them." "Bubs you know how I feel about in person collaboration. Plus the deadlines are coming up and it'll be easier and faster to have you in the studio." "Okay." He hesitates this time and I could see his brows furrowed together as well as having a hand on his hip. Most likely wearing lose sweats and the knitted cardigan he's been falling in love with over the months. His hair a bit longer than it was last time I saw him and his pink lips quirked to the side in thought. Maybe the bags under his eyes are gone, has been looking more happier lately. More happier than I could of made him to be over the months. "Are you okay?" "I have to go Harry, I'll see you tomorrow." "Oh see yo-"

      He was the first one to greet me when I arrived, and I wanted nothing more than to burst out sobbing when I see his smile. It took everything not to do so, giving him a tight lip smile and quick side hug before sitting down farthest away from him. For the first hour and a half of discussion, I didn't say much and zoned off a lot, tuning in and out of the conversation Harry leaded about a song he had written recently. I felt his glances on me when I turned away, probably sensing my unwillingness to comment so he was considerate enough to not put me under the spotlight in the discussion. In the middle of it, Harry's phone started ringing and he didn't waste a second to excuse himself to answer it. "Hello? Oh hey darling, you almost here?" I froze when he grows a cheesy smile on his face as he walks further to the other side of the studio before telling us to continue without him. I took a deep breathe, not mentally prepared to be in the same room as her. Has she always been coming to the studio or did I just choose to worse day to finally come in? I try to focus doodling in my little notebook, but it grew harder and harder to focus on anything else but the way he crosses his arms and laughs while on the phone with her. From the corner of my eye, it was definite he's completely captivated just hearing her voice and I could just picture the angelic tone of it. I didn't realize I was tapping my pencil till I hear Sarah calling out my name, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay, haven't seen you in a while." I nodded, putting on a smile. "Yeah sorry, been getting a lot of work opportunities and just a bunch of family stuff that's exhausted me." Sarah gives me a look that resembles one of a mother who knows their child isn't telling the full truth, but she nods and pats my hand. "Completely understandable. But that's exciting, new artists been reaching out to you n' all that?" "Ha surprisingly, considering saying yes to all of them." my smile was growing genuine a little, thinking about how content I was with my career. Being a lyricist and songwriter was a definite risky path to take in terms of stability, but it made me happier knowing I was able to to do. "Oh of course, you can totally do it. Probably wanted to see what all the hype was about when Harry couldn't stop talking about you at every social gathering he's been at." Sarah chuckles, rolling her eyes playfully. "Yeah?" I quickly looked down, feeling my eyes water as the pang in my chest came back. "Mhmm, acts like Thomas and Mitch don't even exist." I laugh lightly at that, fiddling with my fingers as I focused down on my notebook. I found myself in an awkward situation, not knowing how to continue the conversation but knowing I didn't want to try. I love Sarah, but I was close to break down right there if I tried and it was not the place to do so. Not when everyone is trying to meet deadlines and Harry was about to walk in with Heather at any moment. "Hey, I actually have a lot of emails to respond to so I'm gonna be in the other room." I stood up, taking a guitar and my notebook. "Might actually be better for me to focus in." "Sure, we'll let Harry know." I gave her a grateful smile, walking out into the hallway to a different room. I let out another shaky breath, feeling overwhelmed once I was finally alone. But before I could close the door, I hear her. I peak out to see both her and Harry standing at the entrance of the building, huddled close together. "Sorry I forget it gets this cold in LA sometimes." She says, looking up at him while he rubs the sleeves of his sweater that was wrapped perfectly around her. It was a simple orange stripped sweater. A vintage that Harry bought in Vienna and became one of his favorites. It was just a simple polyester sweater, but it became my favorite too. So it was hard to give it back after wearing it that night we kissed, but fuck was it harder to see her wearing it. Now as I sit alone with no sense of motivation to do anything else but wallow in my own pity I thought about a lot of things. I should be angry, be fuming and cursing at Harry for how he's been acting. I should confront him, make him feel as hurt as he made me for choosing her. Or maybe I should hate Heather, despise her for taking the chance I had with him. But deep down I know I couldn't hate Heather. She's such an angel, it wasn't her fault he's still hung up on her. And as much as the image of his arm wrapped around her kills me, I couldn't hate him either for the same reason. She looked prettier in his sweater than I did. "You okay in here bubs?" As if the tears welling up in my eyes and heavy weight on my chest wasn't enough, the sound of knuckles against the door and his voice calling out my name made me almost sob. "Yeah, I'm good. Door's open." I quickly try to compose myself when he enters the room, giving me that warming smile of his. "Just wanted to check up on ya, been quiet since you got here." Harry looks at me with concerning eyes as he places a hand on my shoulder before crossing his arms and leaning against the wall in front of me. Keep your hand on my shoulder, the second it was there all the nerves went away. I wanted to say but instead I fake a smile again, waving it off and shrugging. "Oh no, just have a lot on my plate don't worry." He nods, feeling his eyes on me while I try to avoid his by opening my laptop and skimming through my inbox. "Sarah told me about different singers reaching out to you." He points at my laptop before taking a seat on the chair to the side. I nodded, humming while I typed out quick responses. "Yup, thanks by the way but now I gotta sort out a whole schedule for this year." I took a glance up to see him focused on my song journal on the table in front of us.

“So...you and Heather huh?” The sheepish smile he has tugs my heart strings but I tried to keep from fumbling with my fingers.

“Yeah uhh...” He scratches the back of his neck, keeping his eyes on his hands and looking like a young kid with a crush. “Started talking again and catching up, been working out stuff between us since the party.”

I tilt my head to the side, motioning him to continue. “She’s gorgeous...”

“She’s amazing.”

I finally looked away from him and onto my screen, letting out a little chuckle. 

“So you guys are back together?”

“No no, we’re just sort of figuring things out at the moment.” Though it was an answer I was hoping for, the look in his face was none the less comforting. 

“Well, hope everything goes great. You guys look perfect together.” I managed to say, going back to typing while he only responds with a nod and hum.

There was silence. Does he not feel it too? Uncomfortable silence was never a thing between us but it was prevalent here. "Not gonna leave early are you though?" He says out of no where and I stopped typing for a sec to give my attention to him. "Not going to ditch me for someone else of course." He says it with a laugh, playing it off like an obvious joke... but the way he looked at me. Part of me wanted to scream at how oblivious and selfish that statement sounded coming from him, as if he has no idea the drastic shift our relationship has taken. But I see the vulnerability in his eyes, sensing the subtext in his question that is practically asking me to stay. Stick by his side and help finish this passion project he's dedicated to put out, not only for his fans but for himself. Be with him to figure out what to do next, even if I would be in a different county or continent and working with someone else. Keep in touch throughout because I've become an important person in his life. Even if that person who used to fill that spot came back, he's still here and asking me to stay with him in a similar sense. It wasn't the kind of love I wanted, but never the less, it was still love from Harry. Did the smile I wear at that moment reach my eyes? When I placed my hand on top of his in reassurance, was the hesitance obvious? Maybe he did notice the little signs, but he took my hand in his anyways and placed it against his heart. 

"Of course, 'm always gonna here Harry."

____________________________________________________________

part 3

A/N: guys my heart hurts writing this lol. There’s gonna be one or two more parts of this series, but thank you for reading! feedback is appreciated :)

[chaoticpizzalawyerbiscuit]

I just read your Azriel × reader one shot, I think I'm in love ! And I have a request for you. I've been in love with one song and one song only. It hhas never been changed since like very long time , lot's of years. And the song is Lana Del Rey- Love. The feeling that it gives me is just enchanting. English is my second language so sometimes I just shut down my brain for English and just feel the song with its melodies and rhytm. And it always gives me hope but also kinda sad. Like it has been raining hard but now you see rainbow or you missed your lover terribly and now you're kissing them. I think you got what I meant. Can you write someting with Azriel that' gonna make me feel like the song does? I know this might be silly or doesn't make any sense but if you do I would be more than happy and appreciated💖 thank you so much!

Love

Hi! I'm sorry it took me so long to answer you, but here it is!! I hope you enjoy it, darling 🥰 ✨don’t forget to make your own request✨ • I don’t own any of Sarah J. Mass’ characters or any of her plots, I’m just a fan having fun. Also I do not own the images. This is story is mine though, so please do not copy • WARNING! this is VERY angsty and sad, and you might cry and/or explode because of the fluff

My tears dampened the pillow beneath my head. Today, sadness claimed me more than yesterday, sucking the very strength out of me. It paralises me enough that I can’t get out of bed, and that I only wish crawl into a dark corner, staying there forever.

Loneliness was my most hated color. But today, it paints every moment of my miserable existence. And I think it suits me.

∞

The pain blurred my eyes, and I only saw teardrops

The pain took my youth, and left the weight of my mistakes

The pain blurred my days, and I lost track of time

The pain took my soul, and left the monster of my true self

and eventually

The pain blurred my emotions, and I stopped feeling at all.

∞

My mother used to say beautiful words that my young ears never understood. Most of them got lost with time, but one was carved into my very skin.

alight

And yet, even after I learned what it meant, I never got to feel it.

∞

But I should’ve guessed it. Destiny liked me too much to leave me alone as well. So he played the strings one last time, and magic was done. I felt it all again.

The pain blurred my eyes, and I only saw teardrops

The pain took my youth, and left the weight of my mistakes

The pain blurred my days, and I lost track of time

The pain took my soul, and left the monster of my true self

and eventually

The pain blurred my emotions, and I stopped feeling at all.

but I saw his face and

The pain no longer blurred or took anything

The pain was gone.

∞

Azriel, she learned later, was his name. That gorgeous male was her mate, and the classic, beautiful traces of his face never failed to take her breath away.

Once, he asked her, in the middle of the night

“Y/N, why are your eyes so sad?”

He had never seen someone like her, with an indescribable beauty. She was elegant and gracious, fun and unpredictable, but above all, she was intense. And so was her sadness.

What strained his heart the most was her eyes, that even after an eternity of laughter, reflected such a deep suffering. He saw eyes like that on his own face.

The only answer he got was a single teardrop down her cheek.

∞

Turns out, the pain never truly went away. It was just forgotten when she was around him, and because of that, the moments away from him were unbearable.

He found out about this too when he came to see her, and found her crying. Harsh sobs racked through her body, and his gut clenched.

He knelt in front of her, took her face into his scarred hands, and asked

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything.” She whispered. “All of it is so awful, and you are my only light. I drown in grief every day of my life. I feel too much, and feel nothing at all. I want better, but I can’t stop treating myself so awfully.” Her voice raised with every word, and agony filled her. “It hurts. It all hurts.”

He embraced her, pulling her into his warmth, trying to sooth the pain. She laid her forehead on his chest, kneeling with him, and gripped his shirt with an iron grip. She would not loose him as well.

After the tears and sobs, she tried to move away, and he pulled her closer.

Their eyes met, and he laid himself bare to her. Took down all his walls, laid down his guard around himself, and told his entire history to her. Showing her his own pains and fears.

But in that moment, he was too late. Pain had taken everything from her once again.

He flinched when her blank stare met his overwhelmed one.

He tried to move away and succeeded.

She did not pull him closer.

So he left

And she was set alight.

∞

First, pain burned her from the inside.

Second, she was angry, at him and at herself.

Third, she forgave him.

Fourth, she forgave herself.

Fifth, she built courage to face him one last time

∞

He met her at a hillside with a view to the sea. She sat underneath the soft light of the sun, in late afternoon hours. Beside her, there was a panic basket and a pile of books. Her dress fluttered with the passing breeze, the same that caressed her hair. After months of solely thinking of her, seeing that face was a definitive answer. He loved her, with all his might, with all his sorrow and all his happy.

Sitting beside his mate, his heart was at ease, even with the hurt that she caused him.

“Hi” she said hesitantly.

“Hello Y/N”. She shivered with that voice, she missed him so much. There was nothing capable of describing the relief of seeing him.

“I wanted to talk to you,” she averted his eyes, “about what happened last time. What I did was wrong, and you deserved a better reaction than the one I gave you. You deserved support.” She looks into his eyes, her voice breaking slightly. “I am so sorry. You were always there for me, and I ended up hurting the both of us when I forgot who I truly am.”

Her gaze went to the sea, and beyond into the horizon. Her chest moved with a soft sigh she exhaled. “I want to tell that it was not intentional to hurt you in a vulnerable moment, and that I’m grateful that you shared with me such a beautiful story. If you want to try things between us again, I I would love to, but if you —

His fingers touched her chin, turning her blushing face towards him. She froze.

“Y/N, I’m sorry too. For not trying to help you earlier, and for letting my fears control my actions so deeply. But the thing I’m most sorry for is the fact that I didn’t come to see you in such a long time. I hurt the both of us as well with my pride, and I wish I could change that. But I can’t change the past, so I offer you this: I love you, Y/N.”

She blinked her teary eyes, and threw her arms around me, a choked laugh passing through her lips. I hug her back, breathing in her scent, and she whispered in my ear: “I love you, Azriel.”

She pulled back slightly, and pressed her lips against mine softly. We join in a slow sweet kiss, my hands on the nape of her neck, and a small humm of delight leaves her.

When we break apart, she lays her forehead against mine.

“Thank you for reminding me,” she says “of who I truly am, and who I’ve always been.”

“And who would be that, my light?” She blushes with the nickname, and answers

“A beautiful star, with her glowing scars and smiles, set alight by love. My love for myself, my mother’s love, your love”

[mindofharry]

deja vu

in which harry gets a new girlfriend and it’s giving him major deja vu.

angst ! fluff ! all of the above ! feedback is welcome as always <3 based off of the wonderful song, deja vu by olivia rodrigo!!

“Well, maybe we should end it”

Harry suggested and Y/N froze. end it? why is that even something that came into his mind. It was a small, petty fight about a girl. A nice girl that Y/N is apparently jealous of, she’s not by the way. The girl just is the a little too close to her boyfriend, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek when she thinks Y/N isn’t watching them. And harry just sits there, let’s her do that while Y/N his girlfriend of three years is sitting right in front of them. Never did he bitch about her or complain, just compliments for the nice girl at the party.

“W...What?” Y/N stuttered sitting on the hood of the car. The car they bought together. They both worked at an ice cream place down in town, so with the little money they both had and a little support from their parents, they both this beauty. Of course, harry was the only one able to drive it for a whole year because poor Y/N didn’t have her drivers license yet.

“I think we should end it, this” Harry said pointing between himself and Y/N. Her eyes began to fill with tears and the guilt hit him quickly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. But i just can’t do this back and forth thing anymore. We’re not in middle school” Harry said and sniffled a bit. Y/N nodded, she had sort of know someone like harry wouldn’t stay with someone like her for that long anyways. It’s just apart of life, right?

Right?

“You can keep the car. I’ll find some other way to get into work” Harry mumbled handing Y/N the keys to their shared car. Her eyes widen and anger surged through her veins.

“How dare you” Y/N yelled, a sob coming out of her mouth. “You’re dumping me? you’re fucking dumping me?” she yelled out and that attracted some stares. They were in their place, their special place in Malibu under the stars and near the beach. That’s all theirs.

“You flirt with this girl for a year of our relationship. you do it right infront of me, harry! and you can’t handle it anymore?” Y/N exclaimed and harry sighed, looking slightly embarrassed as more people started to watch them. “Fine, fuck go be with her! i don’t care” Y/N said wiping the tears off of her cheeks and getting into the car.

“Goodbye, harry”

And a couple of weeks later, harry was with that nice girl. That pretty girl, who was a carbon copy of you - harry figured that out pretty quickly, when they got to know each other more.

They were watching reruns of glee when he got this moment of deja vu. Like he had done this before.

Because he had. With Y/N.

“I love this show” Y/N giggled, her hand in harrys hair. Harry nodded agreeing as they watched the new directions so a performance again, this time tina and mercedes were leading the group.

“Y’know you don’t have to pretend to like it, we can change the channel if you want?” Y/N offered and Harry shook his head quickly and blushed. “No, i like it. Could make a good band name, no? New direction, one direction?” Harry teased and you giggled.

“Huh. You’re more of gleek than i am”

“i hate this show” The nice girl said changing the channel, before harry could speak up. Instead of disagreeing with her, he just nodded and kissed the side of her head. He liked glee.

Other times of this deja vu stuff, it was really honest mistakes. Like, nearly calling her Y/N’s name. You were just on his mind, it was nothing serious. He missed the car, that’s all. He also missed the strawberry ice cream and the late night chats under the malibu sky. So he took her there. He put billy joels, ‘uptown girl’ on the radio and grinned when she sang to it. She wasn’t as care free as Y/N though. Y/N had her own shrine of billy joel, her dad is absolutely obsessed with the man and passed that on to Y/N.

Of course, harry had heard of billy joel but had only listened to his most famous songs. Y/N introduced to him to the real billy joel, it was their thing. Listening to billy joel in Y/N’s basement after a long shift, harry would lay his head on her stomach as Y/N sang to vienna or sometimes harry would pull her up and dance around to piano man. He missed that so much.

The chorus of ‘uptown girl’ came on and harry looked over at the nice girl, he now calls his own.

“I love you” He said and she stopped singing and placed a hand on his knee.

Y/N did that. Had her hands all over him.

“I love you too” The nice girl hummed and Harry sighed, now getting another sense of deja vu.

“Did you see Harry and that girl together, Y/N?” Sarah, her new shift buddy asked. Y/N had seen them together, the nice girl that harrys with likes to post everything on social media. Y/N sees the traded jackets, the billy joel, the i love you’s in malibu, the strawberry ice cream. Y/N wondered if the girl laughed at harry because of how annoying he was during glee, or when he puts a jacket on way too small for him, or when they sing in the car. Does he steal Y/N jokes, like he stole everything else?

“Yeah, i did. Seem like a nice couple” Y/N said with a smile. Sarah, only knowing her a couple days, thought nothing of it. Y/N was breaking inside, she literally felt her heart break in two everytime she thought of the two.

How could harry just replace Y/N like that?

“I’d like to be an actress” The nice girl said licking her strawberry ice cream. Harrys eyes widened, deja vu. Y/N had told him, just before they started dating that she was going to be the next meryl streep - why she chose meryl streep, he’ll never know. Y/N has always wanted to be an actress. She had done a few jobs here and there, and always got the main part in plays and musicals. Being an actress is Y/N’s things.

“That’s great” Harry said supporting a forced grin. The nice girl didn’t think anything of it. Y/N wouldn’t known something was wrong.

A different girl, but nothings new.

Harry had to get away. Away from the nice girl who had ruined Y/N and Harrys relationship. So he went to the ice cream parlour. He knew Y/N was working with sarah, mitch is one of his closest friends and he’s dating sarah — so after some digging and prodding, he got the info he needed and set off to town. Without her. Harry dropped her off at her apartment, made up some lame excuse of not feeling well and needed to rest. Y/N would’ve offered soup, the nice girl just said get well soon and closed the apartment door in his face. It was too easy. It shouldn’t be that easy to lie to her, it was never like that with Y/N. Harry couldn’t lie to Y/N for the life of him, even around birthdays or christmas. He sucked at keeping secrets and telling fibs.

“Welcome to All things nice, how may i help you!” Y/N’s voice rang out as she was cleaning out the sink. The bell had notified her, that a customer was in the shop. She just didn’t know that customer was her ex boyfriend.

“Are we able to talk?” Harry asked wringing his hands. Y/N quickly turned around, almost bashing her head into the shelf. Her eyes were wide and her heart broke, again. She could barley handle the instagram posts. She can’t handle harry in real life. Not after what he did. Maybe if it was a mutual break up - but it really was not a mutual break up.

“I’m sorry, we don’t serve that” Y/N snapped pushing the spoons into a drawer. Harry flinched and nodded placing his hands in his back pockets. “Ok, i deserved that” he mumbled. He just needed to explain, just five minutes.

“Please, Y/N. i just need to explain” Harry pleaded, sounding proper desperate. Y/N couldn’t help but feel anger and sadness as she listened to harry beg for her time. She just couldn’t believe he was back so quick, so early in his new relationship.

“What do you possibly need to explain” Y/N asked dropping the spoons and looking at harry over the ice cream. It was rather cliche, really.

“You dumped me, because i pointed out that a girl - by the way, i was right - was coming onto you. I just needed reassurance, harry. That you wouldn’t cheat, that you wouldn’t leave me!” you exclaimed and harry nodded. “I just needed that. and i’m really glad that you dumped me. because we obviously weren’t meant for each other” Y/N said continuing her clean up.

“We are meant to be” Harry said. “We’re Y/N and harry” he said, his voice breaking. Y/N almost felt bad.

“No. You’re in a relationship. You say i love you, to her. You sing billy joel and swap jackets. You eat strawberry ice cream with her for fuck sakes harry” Y/N yelled, pulling at her hair. Harry sniffled and nodded. “I know, I know” he mumbled.

“Do you get deja vu?” Y/N asked “hmm?” she asked again when she didn’t get an answer.

“Thought so”

[maybankiara]

JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE CRYING ON THE SHOWER FLOOR

pairing: JJ Maybank x Pogue!Reader

prompt: “You think you want to be alone, just wait until you’re crying on the shower floor.”  - The Breakup by LANY (from my song prompt list)

summary: You haven’t seen your boyfriend since the night John B and Sarah were lost at the sea. When you find him, he’s falling apart in his best friend’s bathroom.

word count: 1.6k

additional: written post finale, angst

written for @kiarasflowr

requests are open

The Chateau is cold when you enter. There’s no sight of anyone, and you have to remind yourself that this is the way things are, now. There’s no one paying the bills; no one using the electricity or heating.

  The Chateau is empty because no one lives in it anymore.

  It’s still light outside, as the sun hasn’t fully set yet. You see the furniture scattered around the place, thrown about in Pope’s fit of rage a few days ago. If you decided to look for it, you know you’d find JJ’s gun pushed somewhere underneath all this mess, where Kiara kicked it to stop any of you from making a bad decision.

  Your heart tugs and aches as you look over the place that you used to call your second home. Right in the kitchen, that’s where JJ kissed you for the first time, when you were fifteen, when you taught him how to make the your secret sandwich recipe. On the couch, where you and Kiara did your homework more times than you could count, pillows were ripped and torn into pieces. The porch, where Pope liked sitting because it offered the best view, was awaiting the disappearing memories.

  Losing John B ruined you all.

  You walk deeper into the Chateau, leaving your backpack at the entrance. It hurts too much to look around – memories threaten to flood your mind and with them, tears come, too.

  You can’t cry now. You’ve got other things to worry about.

  John B’s room is empty, but you still walk in. Everything looks the same as it always has; nobody dared touch the last thing you have of him. It’s a shrine, almost, so you close the door and hope you never have to walk in there again.

  The next place you check is Big John’s office. The files are scattered just as the hit men left them, and the sight brings up more memories.

  He’s not here. Your heart skips a beat and there’s a heaviness on your chest, but you push it away. If you held out this long, you can’t give in to your feelings now.

  You call his name, but no answer comes. Still, you know he’s here – there’s nowhere else he’d be.

  It’s when you come closer to the bathroom that you realise there’s a faint sound of water running. You wonder for a second how there’s still water running, and then you remember JJ helped John B install a water source from the underground waters, not too long ago.

  You shake your head. You’re not supposed to be thinking about this right now.

  ‘JJ,’ you say. ‘I’m coming in, okay?’

  No response comes, and you close your eyes. You ignore the shakiness in your fingers, the unease in your stomach, the heaviness on your shoulders that pulls you towards the ground. The door knob creaks when you turn it.

  You brace yourself, going in.

  The bathroom is cold and quiet, save for the shower running. You look at the floor and you hate yourself for it, but looking up means seeing—

  ‘JJ.’

  He’s sitting in the bathtub, knees pulled close to his chest and arms resting on them. He’s fully clothed, with sneakers on, dripping wet. Water from the overhead shower is running over him, with his hair now reaching down all the way to his eyes.

  If he notices you enter, he doesn’t show it. You walk closer, slowly, as if you were walking on eggshells.

  The heaviness shifts from your shoulders into your lungs, and you’re starting to find it hard to breathe normally. You shake, and you feel yourself tremble, and you feel the need to cry hurting in your cheeks.

  You say his name again, halfway to the bathtub.

  His eyes are open, and you wonder if he’s seeing anything, at all. His face is empty, or so you think at first glance – the bags under his eyes are too dark, the skin on his cheeks too red, the rest of his face too pale. His eyebrows are moving the slightest bit, trembling just as much as your fingers are.

  You swallow the tears.

  When you take his hand, it’s cold, almost frozen; he still doesn’t look at you, but you see him flinch.

  No words come out of your mouth, no matter how hard you try.

  He looks broken.

  You climb into the bathtub, across him. The little water that is underneath you is cold, and your clothes get soaked immediately, but that’s not something you worry about. Instead, you take JJ’s hands in yours, rubbing your thumb against the back of them, trying to warm them up. His skin is all wrinkly from the water; you wonder how long he’s been like this.

  That’s the first time he looks at you, but it’s almost as if he’s looking through you.

  Whatever you think of saying, it wouldn’t be good enough, so you’re quiet. The only sound between the two of you is the water running.

  He hardly blinks. Your heart is breaking for him, but you don’t know how to show it, or what to do about it. He’s always been good at refusing to feel anything he didn’t like, and in moments like these, all the repressed emotions burst out of him.

  They haven’t, yet. You see that in the way his hands are limp and eyes empty; he’s broken, but there’s more where it came from.

  This is the first time you see him in almost two days. Losing John B is something all of the Pogues deal with in different ways.

  You needed him, but you couldn’t find him. Until now.

  The hurting part of you wonders if you would’ve been better of without finding him, but you cut it off immediately.

  His eyes drill into yours, through them, into a place where only JJ knows. You squeeze his hands, lightly, and then you pull them into your lap. You leave them there for a bit, feeling tears threatening to fall, but you close your eyes until they’re gone.

  Is this is what the world is like now?

  It hurts to look at your boyfriend. It hurts to see someone you love falling apart. It hurts having to keep yourself in check because one person being unable to deal with the situation is already more than you can handle.

  But he’s here, and you’re here, too, so you bring JJ’s hands to your lips and kiss them, softly.

  You open your eyes and see his shoulders shaking. His eyes are closed, his lips pressed tightly, tears blending with the water pouring over his face. You shuffle closer, until you can feel his calves against your thigh.

  You hold his hands in one, and reach for his cheek with the other. There’s water pouring over you, too, but you can’t bring yourself to care.

  He leans into your hand, and you move even closer, sitting on your legs until you’re close enough to pull him into an embrace.

  JJ’s whole body is shaking. You wrap your hands around his back, holding his weight as he falls almost limp against you. He cries, his head buried in the crook of your neck, and it takes him ages to put his arms around you.

  ‘It’s okay,’ you say. ‘I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.’

  Finally, he breaks. He’s holding onto you as if nothing else is keeping the broken pieces together, and he sobs into your shoulder until there’s no tears left to cry. It’s loud and emotional and ugly, and it fucking hurts. You hold him and you hold yourself, too, until he’s done and he pulls back, and looks at you.

  It feels as if he is seeing you for the first time since his world fractured.

  His face is redder than before, eyes bloodshot to the point where he looks high – but you know he isn’t.

  JJ’s hands are on your cheeks, holding you as if you were made of porcelain. ‘Please don’t leave me.’

  You shake your head, covering his hands with yours. ‘Never in a million years, J.’

  ‘I can’t lose you, too.’

  ‘You won’t,’ you tell him, ‘I promise.’

  He nods and he pulls you in, as you lay your head against his chest. The water is still running but neither of you can bring yourself to do something about it. Instead, you feel his heart beating against your ear, and you close your eyes, letting yourself be lulled into faux safety of his hands running up and down your back.

  When you begin to cry, it’s just as loud and devastating and ugly as it was with him, but grief is never pretty. He holds you the way you held him and you clutch onto his shirt, feeling for the first time, and god, it hurts.

  The only things that keep you from completely losing it are his chin resting on the top of your head, his arms holding you close to him, his legs shielding you at each side.

  It’s for you, you realise as your tears run dry, but it’s for him, too.

  That’s the way you’ll get through this, eventually, a long time from now, until the thought of John B doesn’t cause an earthquake in your chest, a crack in JJ’s. You make him give you the same promise you gave him, through hiccups and a coarse voice, and you kiss him when he does.

  You rest your forehead against his, your thumbs tracing the lines of his jawline, and the thought of a world without JJ makes you feel as if someone has dropped you from a building.

  You hold him close, and he holds you, too.

  ‘We’ll get through this,’ you say, for the both of you. ‘Together.’

  JJ nods, gripping the back of your shirt, inhaling a sharp breath. ‘Together.’