#this siffrin just uses the time loop to torture others

[false-savior]

horrorfrin… idk

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Happy one year anniversary to In Stars and Time!

[faislittlewhiteraven]

Been thinking this a while but

You ever think about why the House and King in SASASAaP is so much worse than it is in ISaT?

Like, at first I put it down to just 'different timelines/different worlds' but the more I think about it, the more I've realized it is very much the same world and King and the difference specifically lies with the two game's respective Siffrins.

Why the House is so different: In Act 5 of ISaT when Sif 2.0 is running around losing his mind, the House very clearly warps around him. At first this seems to be just Sif's perception of events but when the friends come to rescue him, they bring up that the rooms were warped around, which means that Sif's Wish Craft doesn't just warp time but also space. Because ISaT Sif on some level didn't want the loops to end, the House grew longer, pathways stopped making sense, they were lead to every room of the house where they had any kind of precious memory with their family (but notably not the rock trap room) etc...

And clearly the same thing is happening to the House in SASASAaP, the difference is Loop/OG's mindset: They want to get through the house as fast as possible without 'distractions' like the very helpful Hidden Library they don't know exists but at the same time they dread the king (dread their friends dying over and over and over) so the path is short and free of bosses (including those 'Nostalgia' star crest Sadnesses), but full of time consuming and tricky puzzles to delay them -even just a bit longer- from what they see as the inevitable end. ...Also the path no longer requires the Keyknife and OG Sif gets outright angry at the Change Statue when the others pray at it so make of that what you will.

Ok, so the Houses are affected by Sif's mental state, but what about the King? The King is a totally different kettle of fish. He very much is not effected by the respective Sifs' Wish Craft but he can pick up on it. And well, how does he react in ISaT when he realizes Siffrin 2.0 is using Wish Craft?

... *Thinks about a hand, squeezing*

So yeah. My theory for why the King is so much worse, especially in the Perfect Route in Start Again is simple: Loop/OG Sif had been looping so long that their reek of Wish Craft's sweet smell was basically covering the whole party and the King, not knowing who to torture directly, responds by trying to kill them all especially horribly, especially on the 'Perfect' route where Sif likely continues hiding their looper status even as they are dying. ...Trying to mentally break them just as he tries to break Siffrin 2.0 in ISaT.

...Which is also why he doesn't auto kill everyone in the 'True' route - because that's the route Sif gives up pretending they're not a mess, meaning the King can identify that Sif is the Wish Crafter by the party's concern for them and their lack of reaction (much like the King did in ISaT), can see that Siffrin is already breaking, and thus being the 'merciful ruler' he is, decides to toy with them a bit, only going for the killing blow when he gets lower on health and starts getting concerned he might lose (which in turn means most of his attention in the fight was on the clearly not ok Sif, the party likely noticed and that's probably why Isabeau was able to jump in and block the King's fatal attack in time).

So um. YEAH. That's my thoughts on SASASAaP's King; he's the exact same as ISaT's King the only difference is that by the time OG Sif reached him the first time, they'd already looped a horrific amount of times and reeked so strong of Wish Craft that the King never even entertained the 'talk them down' facade and went straight for the kill/'torture them into submission' option every time.

Not sure these details matter too much really but I figure it might be helpful to all the Loop lovers out there making wonderful fanfics to consider (circumstances Odile can theorise about if Loop ever gives her enough hints to try, perhaps?) so... yeah. Hope my thoughts were interesting and would like to hear your thoughts on the stuff I didn't manage to figure out like the skill differences between the two parties, and various people frozen in the House having different pronouns and things (currently going with: Loop/OG Sif is not really listening to anything and is possibly misremembering details they don't care about for the later but the former is very much 'I know this is probably because refined mechanics but what if-?!' area for me and I'd love to see in-setting reasoning for it) <3

Edit: Realized I forgot to mention a thing: A sweet scent is never brought up in SASASAaP probably because that might've been a later addition to the plot but I like to think it's more because everyone in the prologue is just so used to it at this point that the party are putting it down to being part of the 'King altered' House while OG Siffrin is completely numb to it at this point, and the King's not interested in talking so... yeah. No one brings it up. ...Might also explain why Bonnie doesn't offer the Melanga fritters: the sweet scent could potentially alter the taste (and also they're not 100% sure Sif likes them) so instead they offer sweets like the candy and Palmiers that would be less effected, the burnt samosas which are 'already bad' and the fish head which probably tastes so strong that Bonnie's less worried about it's taste being masked. But that's just my spitballing for excuses so hope that's helpful for anyone wanting to use this info? XD

[aeb-art]

Make Me Feel Real

Loop x Siffrin

Rating: M Summary: Siffrin is desperate for something new, anything new. He hadn't felt anything in a long time. They ask, or well... force, Loop to assist them. CW: gore, mutilation, referenced self-harm, torture, intrusive thoughts (the intrusive thoughts are Loop's, but the POV is Siffrin's)

(ao3 link)

“About my dagger…” 

“This again?” If looks could kill, the glare Loop shot your way would’ve reset the loop. “Seriously, stardust, you can’t really be so dense as to not see how little I want to talk about that…” They grimaced and looked away from you. Their hands came up to their opposite arms to rub away waves of frizzling needles, which by now you recognized a self-soothing technique. 

"Just hear me out.” Your grip on the grass below your hands tightened. You breathed in and out.

They did not turn their head back toward you, but their eyes met yours. They said nothing at all. It seemed like that was the closest semblance to getting permission to speak that you were going to get.

"You get upset with me whenever I use it, so what if…” You gulped. “What if you just… Took that out on me?”

(What are you even doing?)

“What…?” Their eyes widened. Their hands let go of their arms and just hovered there, fingers twitching.

“If you’re so mad about it, why don’t you take it out on me?” You steeled yourself to meet their eyes again. “You could even use my dagger if you want.”

Loop looked…

Terrified.

"Stardust, I…” They looked around, almost frantically, at anything but you. “You can’t just say things like that. I-! I’m supposed to h-help you and how would attacking you possibly help either of us with anything? Stars, do you really want something new to happen that desperately?”

The ends of their fingers grew sharp like claws as they dug into the tree root they sat on, audibly splitting the bark. Their flesh’s vibrations slowly grew more erratic. Their forearms split in two, it looked like bones now instead of flesh. Sparks flew off of their head, but dissipated before they hit anything, sizzling before making a final little pop.

They wanted to, didn’t they? They wanted to hurt you, you realized that now… but you didn’t think they liked that they wanted to. You think they’d been holding back such desires all this time. You think such desires must scare them to have… Yet you found you didn't care about that nearly as much as you should have.

Maybe you shouldn’t have been pushing this though. You might not be able to undo whatever damage this caused to your relationship with Loop. Your relationship already wasn’t that great, thanks to your insistence on killing yourself very often.

And yet, you kept going.

“You want to, don’t you?” You pushed yourself up to stand, quickly brushing dirt and grass off the back of your pants. “You think about hurting me often, don’t you?” You took slow steps across the short gap between the two of you.

Loop was trembling. Their wide eyes searched for a trace of something in your eye. They couldn’t get a read on you for once. They looked like a cornered animal.

Sometimes prey animals will bite back when they see no other option.

“So do it.” You took your dagger out of its sheath and held it up to them. They winced.

Loop wouldn’t forget when you reset. You couldn’t just undo this like when you tested things with your family. Loop was the only real person in this blinding play who still felt real, they were the only connection to reality that you had left. Did you really want to take this road? to risk burning the last bridge out?

“St-stardust…” One of their hands lifted, slowly reaching toward the blade, eyes glued to it. It was like they had no control over the limb. “I shouldn’t- I can’t…”

“Take. It.” You shoved it toward them with a frustrated growl and they jolted back. “I’m asking you to. I want you to.”

Their hand looked like it was shaking in and out of the correct shape for a hand to be in. One second they had five fingers, but then in the next, two of their fingers would merge together before separating once again. You tried to not stare.

Then they finally took the dagger and you pulled your hand back.

“Okay.” You held your arms out and took a step back. You breathe in and out. “Give me your worst.”

You deserved even worse than Loop’s worst. You were disgusting. Weren’t they supposed to be your friend too? How could you just put them in this situation? They clearly didn’t want to act on their thoughts, they didn’t want to hurt you, but you wanted something new, you wanted them to hurt you, you needed it.

You’re vile.

They gripped the handle tight in both hands before they stood on shaking legs. You smiled at them when they met your eye again. They did not smile back, in fact they looked worse than before. Then…

“Oof-!” A hard punch in the gut knocked you back and before you could catch your bearings, their foot stomped you to the ground. You cried out as their heel pressed so hard onto your chest that you thought a rib or two cracked.

When you looked up at them, they oddly seemed more relaxed. They twirled the dagger in one hand idly, like it was natural to have one in their hands. It was like a switch flipped. They accepted and quickly slotted into the role you so deeply desired of them.

“Just what is wrong with you?” They sneered down at you. “You disgusting little masochist! You realize how selfish you’re being, don’t you? Pressuring me into this?” Slowly, they bent down and sat on top of your thighs. Their free hand started to push your cloak up.

“Wh-whoa, wait, what are you-?” You tried to sit up, leaning on your elbows, but the blow to your chest made you pause with a wince. You didn’t register any pain until you moved… Maybe because you’d already felt far worse.

“I just want to see what I’m doing.” They set the dagger down at their side, just out of your reach in case you changed your mind about all of this.

You just silently let them pull it off of you. They tossed both your cloak and hat to the side. You only struggled again when they started to untuck your sweater. “Hey, hey! Why do you need that off too?” Your voice might have cracked a little in your slight panic. You really didn’t want to be undressed, to be left bare, especially when just about anyone could come to the Favor Tree and see whatever this was at just about any point!

“What part of “I want to see what I’m doing” did you not understand? Come on, stardust, you aren’t that stupid.” They stared down at you blankly, coldly. “You asked me to hurt you and I intend to enjoy it… So shut up and let me take your shirt off before I tear it apart.”

Your mouth snapped shut and you stopped resisting. They tossed the offending sweater over with your other clothes. You felt compelled to ask if they might’ve wanted your gloves off, but you didn’t want them to laugh at you, so you kept that to yourself. You did feel weird wearing gloves without a shirt though, so you silently tugged them off anyway and tossed them aside.

What you asked instead was “So how are you gonna… do this?”

“You know… Before all of this looping nonsense, I used to know how to butcher an animal…” They trailed off as they pushed against your chest. It wasn’t a lot of pressure, it was more like they were giving you the hint that they wanted you to lay flat, the opportunity to do as they wanted before they made you. You obeyed that silent order without second thought.

Surprisingly, you felt a cool wave of healing craft flow from their fingers into your chest. The dull pain quickly faded away… Why did they heal you?

…

It almost felt like a reward for good behavior.

“What parts were good, which to throw away…” There was the smallest twinkle in their eyes and you shuddered. Their finger trailed slowly down your center. You felt their nail? claw? something? make the shallowest cut, small pinpricks of blood coming to the surface. It was a superficial wound at best. They were dragging it out on purpose. They wanted to take their time with you. They wanted to play with you.

What did you just awaken?

“Human beings' insides are, supposedly, surprisingly similar to pigs. Did you know that?” Their eyes trailed back up to meet your own. That sounded vaguely familiar, but you couldn’t fully remember, so you still shook your head no. “Have you ever seen the inside of a boar, stardust?” You slowly nodded. They grinned. “Then some parts should look familiar!”

Oh.

Stars.

They picked the dagger up and leaned down over you. The tip of it tilted your head up agonizingly slow. Their face drew so close, far too close. You could feel their warmth kissing your face like the sun itself.

“Do you feel it anymore, when you kill yourself?” The tip of the blade pressed into your chin, just deep enough for you to feel a trickle of blood trail to the back of your neck and into your hair.

Your hands gripped tight onto the grass at your sides.

“You already don’t see yourself as a person anymore,” Slowly, they dragged the dagger down your neck and you sucked in a ragged breath. Their hand gripped tight on your shoulder and kept you still. “No matter how many times I’ve tried convincing you you’re still real.”

The pressure varied as they cut you open, though their hand was eerily steady. The longer it went on, the more your body started to realize you were being hurt, the more pain started to register. You hadn’t felt anything in so long.

“So I’m going to remind you once again that you’re still here, with me.” They moved to the side of your head, whispering into your ear. “I’m going to cause you enough pain that you can be grateful when you loop again and wake up unharmed.” Their voice dropped in pitch. Their words were careful, like they’d thought about saying this to you many times before. “I’m going to hurt you until you can be thankful you’re alive.”

A shiver ran up your spine. You hissed out in pain when your own movement made them cut deeper into your chest. They just kept pulling your dagger down, down, down…

“And after you die, by my hands,” They pushed against your shoulder to sit upright. “You are going to walk right back here and thank me.”

That dark look in their half-lidded eyes made you feel like your nerves were set aflame, like you’d been struck by lightning.

…They struggled a bit cutting through your belly button right after that since the dagger wasn’t serrated and had to slice a little around it. Surprisingly, they had the decency to look a little guilty about it when you groaned in pain. They kept going down until they got to where your pants began. They glared down at your belt buckle like it personally offended them. With a frustrated huff, they moved on. You half expected them to tug your pants down to cut further… You breathed a strained sigh of relief.

You realized exactly what they were doing when they started to carve a wide V across your pelvis. They were going to open your skin up like they were vivisecting an animal. Wasn’t that more like they were studying you than butchering you? Why take such care and patience into it if you’d wanted them to just attack you? You’d wanted them to stab you, not… this.

You felt so much more vulnerable like this. It was almost… intimate.

Before Loop carved the top V, the cuts on you formed an arrow pointed right at them. You tried your best to not think about it…

It hurt the most so far when they carved along your collarbone. Your hands shot up to their thighs, fingers digging into their legs as you struggled to hold back a scream and whimpered instead. You bit your lip to avoid biting off your tongue.

“That's the kind of reaction I wanted! Tee-hee!~” You could hear a growing mania in their voice. You could see hunger in their eyes. “Does it hurt? Come on, you can always talk to your darling companion Loop!” They pulled the dagger down your center one more time, pressing harder than the first, and blood gushed out of you as your skin was truly completely severed. Their head glowed brighter as they watched you cry and writhe under them.

Your nails clawed at their thighs, but their skin could not be scratched, their flesh would not bleed as yours did. All that happened was lightless grains of… sugar? got caught under your fingernails.

They set the dagger aside before running their fingers along the opening, their hands getting stained by your blood. Gently, they peeled the flaps they’d carved open.

You looked down as their fingers traced your ribs. You felt like you were gonna be sick.

“Gross!” They giggled before one of their hands slipped its way into your guts. You cried and realized tears had already been streaming from your eye for you didn’t even know how long. They lightly squeezed your intestines. You coughed up blood and felt the skin over your throat split further apart. They held your intestines up just high enough for you to see without straining your neck. They seemed to grin wider before…

Slice!

Blood and bile and you didn’t want to think about what else shot out of the open tube. It sprayed all over you and onto Loop’s hands. You screamed until your throat went raw, your eye screwing closed tight. It wasn’t the first time you felt like your neck was going to explode, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Then you felt some of the pain ebb. Slowly you opened your eye to see Loop holding ends of the tube together and using healing craft to sew it back up as if they hadn’t just torn you apart.

You sobbed.

They met your eye and you squirmed seeing their expression turn warm at a time like this. They leaned down, pressing a hand to your neck and you felt that same cooling touch numbing all the pain there. They shushed you softly, almost sweetly. “It won’t do if you can’t speak.” Their hand lightly squeezed your neck before they pulled away. You could see their whole front was splattered with your fluids. “I want to hear you.”

That little process continued for an excruciating amount of time. Loop would tug something out just enough for you to see before mutilating it, then as you coughed and screamed and cried, they’d just heal it right back up. There was something unsettling about how fond they sounded as they healed you. They were only doing it to elongate this encounter, but it started to feel like they were praising you for taking all of it. Loop really had a lot of pent up frustration over you, huh?

You were getting lightheaded. No amount of healing craft was going to stop that eventuality, in fact it probably sped it up, but you were kind of impressed by how long you lasted.

Loop was now just staring down at your chest, fingers tracing your ribs just as they’d done at the start. “Stardust,” They cooed down at you. “Do you know whose heart this is?”

(What???)

(It’s yours, obviously.)

“No, silly!~” Their right hand moved inside of you again. “It’s mine!~”

You barely felt the intrusion at first. You were so drained at this point… But then they actually touched your heart and your breath hitched. Their finger lightly caressed the organ.

“Oh, you little cutie,” They giggled and leaned down, looming right above you, until their face was the only thing you could see. “It’s going so fast now! Just for me?~ You’re gonna make me blush!”

That only made it beat faster.

“L-Loop…” You croaked out, before a blood-soaked cough forced its way out of you. Your blood got on their face, but you couldn’t see it past their light. With all the strength you could muster, you dug into their hips. You could feel your fingers up to the first knuckle sink into the sugar.

They shuddered, eyes closing for a moment. Their finger’s sharp tips lightly scraped your heart and you jolted. They braced their other hand back on your shoulder to keep you still once more. You raked your hands up their back and felt their vertebrae spike out around your fingers.

They leaned closer to you, sighing softly into your ear. “U-use your words, Stardust…”

“I-…” Your throat gurgled, you thought you were going to choke on blood. “Just f-finish it…” You blinked away tears.

They leaned back, just a bit, to stare at you.

You… You didn’t know what that expression meant.

Their hand on your shoulder gently slid up your neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps left in its wake, their thumb rubbing along the seam of one of the cuts they’d healed, the first cut they’d made. They held your cheek with their sticky bloody hand and that same thumb wiped a tear from your eye. Then in the same instant, they fully grabbed onto your heart and dipped their head down to you.

Your scream was muffled by Loop’s face pressing against yours. You couldn’t feel any lips, but… Were they kissing you??? They hummed against your lips, eyes closed and head glowing so so bright that you could barely keep your eye open. Loop was definitely kissing you, while they had your heart literally in the palm of their hand.

This was insane.

(What is wrong with them?)

And yet… You kissed them back. Your grip on their back tightened, keeping them as close to you as you could, as your eye slipped shut once more.

(What is wrong with both of you???)

They pulled back a moment later as you started to cough and convulse once again. They softly wiped the blood off of your lips with what seemed like a smile on their own face. When you whined, they leaned down to kiss you again, though less aggressively than the first time.

Their hand gripped onto your heart tighter and you spasmed violently. They backed up only a centimeter just to hiss at you, “Now give me what’s mine.”

You felt something rip before-!

You felt a tug on your stomach.

You got your heart torn out.

Well, Loop had told you to come thank them right after they killed you, so you should get up and go back to the Favor Tree. Actually… Maybe you should go get the flower first so you have something to give them. You really appreciated their help after all, as twisted as it became.

They made you feel alive again.

[lovova]

SPOILERS for In Stars and Time below, just a rant about Siffrin and all the stuff that's happened to him (that I currently know about).

The things that's fascinating about Siffrin is that the time loop is the just LATEST thing that's happened to him. It's not his first big magical event, it's not the first time his whole life has been ruined and ripped away from him by forces out of his control, it's not the first time the gods have seemingly isolated him for the fun of it, if they even noticed it was happening to him at all.

And the first time it happened? Taught Siffrin through their whole life that you DONT TALK ABOUT IT.

Siffrin was out in the water as a kid trying to mess with his parents when the whole island suddenly got buried in a magical 'forget everything about us' spell (or I'm guessing 'wish') and Siffrin literally couldn't remember how to get back. He was a kid. He went to the mainland and couldn't remember anything about himself, because everything about their identity was connected to the island. Even TRYING to remember hurt him, physically.

And the same for telling others about it. Trying to explain what happened to him to other people not only hurt him physically, it hurt THEM physically, causing debilitating headaches to anyone who'd listen and causing the universe to literally rewrite itself and them to sabotage Siffrin's attempts to fix a problem they could barely understand.

And he's just been alone since that happened, in a robe that literally grows with him since childhood, struggling to connect to people when he's trying to develop a personality and identity that won't be forcibly erased minute by minute by the memory stuff. And mostly failing.

AND THATS JUST BEFORE THE TIMELOOP STUFF.

So, yeah, of course Siffrin would literally rather die hundreds of times than just tell anyone what's wrong. That's been trained into him his whole life: they DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM. The problem HURTS OTHER PEOPLE. The act of reaching out LITERALLY HURTS OTHERS and then is sabotaged and erased by the universe anyway.

And, as misguided as it was, the literal only four people Siffrin did reach out to throughout the timeloops all punished him for it. Loop tried to help him through traumatizing him and it didn't work. The head housemaiden had a breakdown instead of helping them. The king tortured him for trying to connect. The Change God LAUGHED AT THEM.

(Can you imagine the restraint and defeatism it takes to quietly watch your friends worship a god that literally reveled in your suffering?)

Fuck, dudes, Siffrin has always been actively punished for asking for help. The dude has been in a lifelong abusive relationship with EXISTING and there's nowhere to hide.

[moonshere]

Another day another ISAT live posting, some more thoughts and potential spoilers

Man man man where to even BEGIN! God this game gets more and more heart wrenching by the minute!!

to be clear, I’m currently at Act 3 I think? I tried to help everyone all at once so I did one full run with no skips to get all the info I needed, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what every else’s pov of Siffrin is like. At the moment my Siffrin is over lvl 60, so he managed to one-shot a lot of the enemies.

How does it look to everyone else? Your friend, the cheeky, pun-loving, trap and puzzle master. Who’s known more for their speed, killing enemies faster than anyone else. And while exploring they don’t look around, they just take the keys in the correct order and manage to choose the correct path every single time.

I noticed that some interactions you can make your friends notice that you’re acting suspiciously. So far I only got Odile to comment on it (and get interrupted rip) and Isabeau to say they will talk later about it. But I’m REALLY hoping there’s a way to get Siffrin’s friends to actually confront him before a loop end so he can actually freaking open up!!!

On that note, I know that I’ve only been talking about Siffrin (I can’t help myself ajdbhsbs they’re my absolute fav and consume my every thought!) I ADORE all the other characters too!!!

Mirabelle is soooooo freaking cute!! (I’ll be honest her character design is one of the reasons that made me want to play the game aidhisns) I’m so so so happy that she’s someone who’s aroace and adores romantic novels!!! There really isn’t that many aroace characters out there, especially one I relate to. But her!!!! It made me so happy!! I loved the scene between her and Siffrin (and that they’re ALSO ace and maybe alloromantic?? Demi??? I’m still unsure haha) their friendship means everything to me!! I also love the subtle way they confirmed she has anxiety! I’m kinda half wondering where she used to live before the House of Change considering how much she talked about how the headmaiden taught her everything

Odile is also so cool!! Finding out that she was only looking for half of her heritage, trying to find somewhere she belongs was something I did not expect but expands so much on her character. At first I thought she was just gonna be the Adult of the group, wise, knows what she’s doing, distant and Too Cool. But this was genuinely so good cuz it showed that Odile is just as unsure as everyone else. Hell, she and Siffrin turned out to have so much in common!! Finding a place to belong but finding nothing but yourself. I loved it so much!

little Bonnie!! They are so stinking cute I would absolutely die for them!! I like how- in a turn on how kids in video games are always put in incredibly dangerous situations and adults let them just cuz they are determined to help- Bonnie is always the one the group wants to protect the most. Even though they wanna help (and they do!! Their heals are lifesaving frfr) it’s always within the limit of their own safety. I also loved their hang out, the hug was so sweet!! Seriously, if anything happened to them I would cry

And lastly Isabeau!! He's so sweet!! i love how much he looks out for Siffrin! I’m not sure if it was a scripted event or that I managed to raise enough sus points for him to notice, but I love how when he noticed that Siffrin isn’t doing ok, he decided to postpone the confession just so he can properly focus later on Siffren’s own mental state! Also also! After looking at the romance novels once again, I almost screamed when Siffren said they were aware!!! They know that Isabeau likes them!! (And their self deprecating comment once again,,,,) Seriously, what torture it must be to see him almost confess over and over and fail everytime!! I definitely want to go back to the ending one more time to see if he ever manages to say it (but man is the king fight long,,,) His hang out was also sweet!! I think also a possible nod to what Siffrin’s home town is? If related to the stars?? But either way, the full on picnic afterwards was so cute!!

I just had to do a full run with them all together once again without any looping cuz Siffrin said so, all the new cutscenes with them together was just the sweetest!! The woodcutting one, the hair brushing, all of it is so soft!! the ending scene where they said they were a family just 🥹🥹🥹🥹 I can’t I can’t this game is too good!! I think the worst part of this though, is seeing Siffrin hoping, despite himself, that maybe, maybe, this time might be it. That all he needed was to be safe, to be happy, to be loved

And it still wasn’t enough

[fictionkinfessions]

the physical disability is getting to me lately, and it’s making me think of how i’ve struggled in the past too.

my eye (or, lack thereof) ached from time to time. actually, i think both did… do eyes overcompensate for each other if one goes missing? maybe it was just the migraines. they’re so… it’s not fun. the ache, the fact it makes me unable to think, to do anything. so disorienting, and the dizziness. the pain that spread throughout me. my body didn’t carry the scars through my loops, but my brain did, and at times i felt… ghost pains? of ways i’ve died, i guess?

deaths by scissors felt sharp, stabbing, so painful, but at least they were quick. deaths by paper were a mix of shallow lacerations that burned like citrus, and genuine burning. they were slower because i was strong against it, but… it still hurt, haha. and then deaths by rock. bruising, battery, blunt force, it felt like broken bones and even though those deaths were, by technicality, the fastest for me, they felt like eternity.

tears were quick, painless, an endless nightmare. the king… death from him was typically the worse. either excruciating and fast, or torturously drawn out. death by banana… haha, not to be grim, but dying fully of my own accord happened to be the painless of them all.

… i never did recover my ability to eat bananas or plantains. even after years.

there’s a lovely fanart of me using crutches! i adore it. i cannot use crutches in this life, neither would i have back then - personally, they wouldn’t be a good aid for me. but i love that it’s out there. me being disabled, like i was then and now, and being loved through it all.

my back hurts.

- siffrin #✂️✨, fun fact, i often type my name as ‘suffrin’, and, man… felt that tonight!