#this shits free and therapy isnt so i rest my case

[fraternum-momentum]

I LOVE HAVING THE ABILITY TO DRAW WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND I CHOOSE TO ABUSE THAT POWER BY DRAWING ONLY THEE MOST SELF INDULGENT SHIT BECAUSE THATS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY SO FUCK YOU

[shreddeddescent]

OKAY!!!!

okay. so. i want to share this for anyone who is like.... cool about this worst case scenario bullshit i keep talking about. i think im writing it kinda good or at least in a compelling way, and honestlyyyy i just wanna post shit to be like hey. im having fun with it, and i think its really interesting to see how it all turns out. i think its been fun every other time ive posted about it, you guys seem to like it, but this is the part that will come off the most weird. if you dont know, ive tagged all previous things in this timeline as #wcs (worst case scenario)

so i think yall get this is like. the fucked up timeline. but like that its the going to be okay timeline too.

to explain more about it if you dont know, lets just say like. shredder did the fucked up thing he wanted. i think ive made that clear in previous posts about this. shredders dead now. they had to deal with the consequences of what he did to them. if the implications of that squick you out its totally fine. if youre not sure what i mean, im sorry. you DO NOT need to read further. but theres nothing specific about it here, this is just alllll the result of that. the results will be made clear by the end.

they went to big mama's hotel to get help from her with said consequences. its been dealt with. theyre now just recovering, being normal kids, still going to therapy. they're coping. but big mama's help always comes with a cost, but they havent figured out what that cost was yet.

so like. its been fun to explore in writing. IF YOURE WILLING to hear me out about all the fucked up shit turning out okay, feel free to read further. even if it sounds weird. i hope everyone can just be like.... respectful.

this doesnt have to be canon to the rest of my au, but if youve enjoyed it when ive talked about it....this is a big reveal shit for that timeline. if you are cool about everything im implying so far.

if youre not, again, you dont have to read forward. this isnt mature rated or anything, its just the implications of what the characters have been through are dark.

but the characters are going to be okay. and this right here is the reason they will be.

okay? okay. please be fucking nice.

missing context would be: raph saw someone in their room the night before, but he thinks he made it up. donnie also saw what he thinks was a ghost.

they went out for breakfast, and raph saw a turtle yokai he couldnt help but chase to the elevator who said her name was jennika, but she really wouldnt look him in the eye. and then they all discussed whether shredder had another experiment done before they existed.

questioning their origins, donnie and mikey scout the pool for recon as leo and raph come back from their joint therapy session with big mama.

--

The elevator door opened and they stepped out into the pool area. It seemed to be a rooftop pool, but the elevator had felt like it was going down. The view was the highest they’d seen, and yet the air was warmer than it had been in their room. And there was no wind, unlike their room.

They looked around and spotted their brothers, Donnie was sitting on the edge of the pool with his feet in, looking at his phone, while Mikey was doing laps.

Leo grabbed Raph’s arm and the two of them wandered over.

“Hey guys.” He said. “How’s the mission going?”

Donnie looked up and looked around. “No other turtles spotted here.”

Mikey jumped out of the water with a splash. “Yeah, just old people really. I don’t think they liked us.”

“You were doing cannonballs, that's why.”

Raph wandered over to the edge of the roof, resting his hands on the railing and staring out at the city. It was so high. Higher than fathers tower was. In fact he could see Foot Tower in the distance, dwarfed by this view.

He was above it. He was beyond it. But god were they ever high.

He felt Leo walk up behind him. “I hate this view.”

He sighed and nodded. “I’m surprised I don’t feel sick. I hate heights.”

He felt him step beside him and press his shoulder against his. “I know what you mean… it’s like it’s not a real height. There’s none of that wind whipping in your face. Like a big realistic dome with a view.”

Raph nodded, squinting out at the view. “The feeling of the window was freezing.. like ice. And here there’s no wind at all.”

“Me and Slash got Big Mama to tell us there’s some kind of cross dimensional portals between the floors.. that there’s protection magic around the floors. I wonder if something broke the one by our window.”

Raph tapped his fingers against the railing.

“Maybe…”

“You okay..?”

He looked up at him nervously.

“I’m… scared, honestly.. and I’m not sure why.”

Leo smiled down at him. “We’re gonna be okay. We got this, partner.” He held out his fist for a bump.

Raph ignored it to give him a tight hug.

Leo rubbed his back lightly and looked back over at the twins.

“Should we get the raisins out of here? Or do you want more recon?”

Raph sighed and let go. “I think I’d like to stay out of the room for a while. Try and relax.”

“Didn’t bring a bathing suit. Mikeys got those shorts, but you’re wearing jeans.”

Raph shook his head and looked around at what other yokai were wearing. Some were in bathing suits, others looked more naked from what he could tell.

He wasn’t sure if he was comfortable being naked though, shell or not.

“Maybe I’ll just sit.” He said as he spotted a lounge chair to the side.

Leo walked past him to go talk to the twins again and he watched them. He felt like a mom again. Out with her kids. At least he didn’t look like Splinter this time. Bathrobe and all.

It was about noon and the sun was shining, so it was getting busier the longer they stayed out here. But he just sat in the warm sun and let himself feel calm, he watched Mikey try and splash Donnie to coax him in, watched Leo strip down to his sweatpants to wrestle with their baby brother in the pool.

At some point Donnie wandered over to hand him his electronics and he smiled at him.

“You wanna get in?” Raph asked him, surprised.

He shrugged. “Might as well live in the moment for once. It is a nice day, and we’re not too weird here.”

“You want me to help you with your braces?”

“Nah, I’ll need them. I don’t care if they get wet.” He pulled his hoodie off and Raph stared at him. He never went anywhere without something on his chest.

He was surprised how weird it felt to see him like that in public. Donnie was somewhat round like Raph, but had more masculine features, for a turtle. But no muscle definition. Even in the cage he’d been wearing his hoodie. But he was feeling more free right now. Maybe this place was good for them.

Donnie pointed at his phone and headphones.

“If you don’t wanna join, you can like... Read or listen to music. There’s free wifi here.”

Raph hummed and put the headphones on.

“Thanks Donnie…”

He shrugged and made his way into the pool to try doing laps. Which for him was holding the edge the whole time.

Raph eyed the phone and looked through his music. Not much he recognized. He found Queen though, and decided to play that and close his eyes. Letting himself be a turtle basking in the sunlight for about 20 minutes.

He sensed someone sit near him and opened his eyes.

A tall furry lion Yokai was in his sunlight, looking down at him.

And suddenly he felt uncomfortable.

They seemed to be talking to him so he pulled the headphones off.

“Huh?”

“I said kinda a weird look for the pool. The jeans.”

Raph looked down at himself and back up.

“Yeah. Wasn’t planning on coming to the pool.”

He gestured over to his brothers with his head.

“Those your kids?”

Raph furrowed his brows and looked over at his brothers. They seemed to be having fun splashing each other.

“Kinda, yeah?”

“Huh. That one your… husband?”

Raph felt his face flush as he looked over at Leo.

“No, that’s my brother.”

He raised his brows and smirked. “So you’re a single mom?”

‘Female female female!’

His body felt cold despite the heat from the sun.

“Sorry, bet they dragged you out here without a bathing suit. Shame, you look like you’ve got a good figure…”

‘You’re going to get assaulted again!’

His heart was pounding in his chest. He looked in Leo’s direction desperately, needing someone to help him.

“Hey kid.” A deep familiar voice behind him said as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

The lion looked over him nervously.

Raph watched as the backside of a tall muscular turtle stepped into view, shielding him from the Lion’s gaze. They were wearing flowery swim trunks.

“That’s my son you’re talking to. He’s 17. Do I need to call security?” The voice said angrily. “Or are you gonna fuck off?”

Raph tried to quiet his beating heart. He felt like he might throw up. He felt like Slash might jump out.

And yet… This turtle made him feel safe.

“U-uh no problem man! My bad!” The lion quickly rose up and left. And the turtle took the chair and sat down beside him.

Raph looked at him nervously.

Broad shouldered and maybe 30 years old, his skin was a dull light green, his plastron wide and pointier than Raph had ever seen. Thick legs and strong arms. He looked tired but smiled warmly at him with wide, kind eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Raph stared at him nervously, pressing his hand to his chest.

“I-I might be having a panic attack…” he said softly.

The turtle reached out to offer his hand.

“You want me to count for breathing?”

Raph nodded quickly, taking his hand.

“In one two three four… out one two three four...”

He closed his eyes and followed the turtle's instructions. After a few minutes he felt okay again and stared down at the hand in his.

Two fingers. Their hands were so similar, but his were much larger.

He looked up at his face. He’d seen those eyes.

In the dark.

“It’s.. it’s you.”

He grunted softly in affirmation.

“You keep trying to get into trouble.”

Raph stared at him hard. He wanted to look away but he was terrified the man would disappear.

“What.. What's your name?”

“Kirby.”

“W-why are you following me? Why were you…”

“I just said you keep getting into trouble.”

Raph felt his eyes water as he stared at him.

“I-I’m not trying to, I thought I could just… be out in public, but I guess I’m too much of a s-slut…”

Kirby winced and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and holding Raph's hand in both of his, staring at him so kindly.

“You’re not. People always want to take advantage of you. I’m sorry, it’s not fair.”

“W-why do you know that..? W-who are you..?”

He shook his head. “Just someone who cares.”

“D-do you know Jennika..?”

He laughed. A familiar laugh. “Yeah. We know each other.”

“Why… why did she cry when she looked at me?”

He shrugged. “She’s got complicated feelings. Hard to explain.”

“I-I’m not scared of you. I should be, I don’t know you…”

“You kinda know me though.” He said, a weird glint in his eye.

Raph grunted and stared at him frustrated. “Why are you so vague and annoying?”

He laughed and shook his head. “I don’t know. Ah. Leo’s noticed. You should be fine now.” He pulled away from his grasped hand.

“Hey!” They heard Leo yell from the edge of the pool.

Raph didn’t turn. He watched Kirby bolt up and give him a salute before disappearing into the crowd, he presumed to the elevator.

Raph just stared blankly at the space he’d been.

Leo sat in front of him, dripping wet and waving his hand in front of his face.

“Are you okay?! Did he hurt you?!”

Raph looked up at him and shook his head slowly. “No… h-he… uh, saved me..? There was.. a guy trying to…” he closed his eyes and winced. “He saved me.” He looked back at Leo, who looked worried.

“What did he say? Did you get anything out of him?”

Raph rolled onto his back and stared at the pool.

“His name’s Kirby. He says I keep getting into trouble. He pretended he was my dad to make a guy leave… I.. I felt really safe.”

Leo groaned and lay back on the chair. “What the hell is going on…?”

“I-I didn’t want him to leave..” he whispered and held himself. His heart hurt.

Leo looked at him sadly. “Raph..?”

“I-I knew him… h-he said I knew him…”

Leo frowned and rubbed his neck. “Maybe it’s like.. You said he pretended to be your dad. Maybe it’s not pretend. Maybe he’s our real dad. Maybe he’s our dad, and Jennika’s our mom and that’s where we really came from.”

Raph looked up at him. “Jennika wasn’t female… she.. she had a plastron like you, not me. Her tail was long. A-and dad.. dad was so clear our human stuff is his… They couldn’t have made us.”

He sighed. “Let’s just imagine we get to come from somewhere better though, yeah..?”

He looked up at him sadly and nodded.

“O-okay…”

“Do you want to go back to the room..? Cuz we can go…”

He looked over at the twins and saw they were just splashing each other. It looked fun.

“I.. I wanna join, but…” he looked down at himself. He couldn’t swim in these jeans. It was naked or nothing. And he couldn’t do naked.

Leo smiled and bumped his shoulder.

“Trade pants. These are fine.”

Raph blinked and shook his head.

“Then you’ll be in wet jeans…”

“Eh, it’ll dry.” He picked up a rolled towel from a rack nearby and held it up in front of Raph as a privacy barrier.

“C'mon, you go have fun for a minute.”

He groaned and relented, unzipping his jeans and pulling them off. Leo dropped the towel on his lap for privacy and quickly undid his wet sweatpants and passed them to him. Raph put them on, they were a little snug and too long but it was stretchier than the jeans. Leo put the jeans on and smiled.

“See? Easy. I’ll watch the stuff, you go swim.”

Raph eyed him nervously and unzipped his hoodie.

He wondered if Yokai had weird gender rules even without nipples.

He tried not to let it bother him, Leo was being nice and it would be a waste to make him do all that and then just chicken out.

He tossed the hoodie on the pile and decided to jump in.

He let himself float on his stomach for a while, feeling the refreshing water and the sun on his back. He probably looked like a corpse.

He felt someone jump on him and whipped around, seeing Mikey had decided to clamber on his back.

“Raph’s here!” He cheered and hugged him.

Raph laughed a little and shoved him off. “Careful, I’m not that strong a swimmer.”

He looked around. Leo waved at him from the lounge chair.

Someone splashed him and he turned, seeing Donnie holding on to the side of the pool.

Raph beamed. “Oh? We’re doing a splash off now?”

Donnie yelped and started swimming away.

Raph laughed and chased after him, Mikey was cheering from the center of the pool.

“You can escape Donnie! Kick those legs!”

Raph caught up and waved his arm at him, causing a big splash to hit him in the face.

“Nooooo!” He cried dramatically and pretended to sink.

Raph laughed and dove under water, grabbing him around his middle and standing up straight in the shallow end to carry him over his shoulder.

“I caught you!”

Donnie shrieked and laughed, pounding on the back of his shell. “Stoooop!”

“I’ll save you!” Mikey rammed into Raph who dramatically threw Donnie into the deep end.”

And then Donnie didn’t come back up for too long.

“Shit.” Raph dove down and saw him sinking, he grabbed his arm and swam up, dragging him back to the shallow end of the pool and stood holding him up.

He was sputtering and struggling to breathe.

Raph held him against his chest and climbed out of the pool with him and patted him on his back.

“Cough it up, you’re okay.” Raph tried. He was trying not to freak out and placed him on the ground to sit.

He was still wheezing

Someone touched his shoulder and he turned to see a sweet turtle face smiling sadly at him. “I can help.” She said as she pushed him out of the way and waved her hand in front of Donnie’s chest.

She was gaunt. Her arms and knees were wrapped in some kind of bandages, and she was wearing a strange one piece swimsuit on top that fit around her shell. The shell looked too big for her body, slightly off center.

She waved her two fingered hand from chest up to his nose, and a floating bubble of water came out of Donnie’s mouth and then dissipated on the ground.

Donnie stared at her in awe. “W-water bending?” He was panting and taking croaky breaths.

She laughed a little and smiled, confused.

“I don’t know what that means. Simple magic. Are you okay?”

Donnie was clapping himself on the plastron, trying to breathe without croaking. She rubbed his shoulder.

Raph looked between them. Their skin was the same deep blue green. She looked like she could be his older sister.

“I-I think I’m okay…” he glared up at Raph. “Why would you throw me in the deep end?!”

He kept staring at the woman.

She turned to look at him and gave him a sad smile. “His knees aren’t strong enough to keep himself afloat. Maybe with some practice.”

He kept staring at her. She was his height, and much thinner. But she had the same flat plastron and short tail.

“…how do you know that?” He asked.

She laughed sadly and looked down at her own limbs. “Experience.”

Raph looked down and realized that her feet weren’t actually on the ground. She was hovering 2 inches above it.

Donnie seemed to follow his gaze and his eyes went wide.

“Are.. you the ghost?” He asked quietly.

She turned to look down at him and rolled her eyes. “Do I look like a ghost? I’m quite corporeal.”

Donnie looked up at her frustratedly. “You know what I’m talking about.”

She tapped her chin in thought. “Do I?”

He groaned.

Raph put his hand on her arm gently.

“I.. I know you…” he said quietly.

She turned to look back at him with sad eyes.

“We’ve never met. I’m Venus.”

“I’ve… never met another female turtle…” he couldn’t help but say.

She tilted her head sadly. “No.. I guess you haven’t.”

“I-I’m sorry…” he said suddenly.

He didn’t know why he was sorry.

She laughed a little. “You don’t have to be sorry, it’s not bad to be female.” Then her eyes got sad. “But I guess that’s to be expected…”

Donnie shot up and stepped between them.

“How are you floating? Is that like something you were born with or can you learn? Does it help with weight distribution? Is that why you do it? If I could do that I bet it would help. Oh but then you wouldn’t be exercising your knees…”

She blinked and sighed playfully, placing a hand on her hip. “You are too inquisitive.”

Raph stared between them. They had the same snout. The same smug look on their faces.

“Venus…” he said softly.

She turned to look at him. She saw something in his eye and winced, looking away.

“Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay, kid. Don’t go swimming where you can’t stand up, and keep a brother with you at all times in the water!” She saluted and seemed to float away.

Raph wanted to chase her but he just… let her go.

Donnie groaned and looked at him funny. “She could have taught me magic! Bones don’t hurt magic!”

Raph looked down at him sadly, he knew there were tears in his eyes and Donnie’s expression confirmed it.

“Raph what’s wrong..?”

“Sh-she looked just like you…”

He scoffed and folded his arms. “Hardly. She was thin and agile.”

He shook his head and reached out to touch Donnie’s snout. “She had your snout.. your skin.”

Donnie was looking more nervous as Raph looked at him. He pushed Raph’s hand off him. “She can’t have been my mother. Shredder would have seen her as useless damaged goods. Maybe there’s just.. turtle yokai out there who come in such variety that she somewhat looked like me.”

Raph rubbed his arm. He was right, if she was chronically in pain like Donnie, and small and female like Raph… she would have been dead to their father.

“You’re not sure though…” Raph said. Donnie was making a face.

He sighed. “Hereditary illnesses are a thing, I suppose. But I don’t think she was old enough… unless she was… you know, younger than us when it happened.”

“Which Shredder would never have done, obviously..” Raph rolled his eyes and hugged his arms, turning away.

“Sorry…” Donnie mumbled.

He sighed and looked over. “I’m sorry I threw you in the deep end, I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking ‘don’t let him crack his head’ more than I was thinking ‘he needs to hold on to the edge to stay up’.”

Donnie shrugged and leaned against him. “I get it. We’re not used to pools and stuff. Thanks for jumping in after me.”

Raph smiled and rubbed his back. “I mean it would be shitty of me to let you drown don’t you think?”

Donnie grunted and nodded. “Extremely shitty cuz it would have been your fault yeah. Still. Thank you.”

“Are you as done with pool time as I am?”

“Yeeees..” He whined. “Need to recharge.”

Raph laughed and nodded, giving his head a kiss. “Okay.”

They wandered back over to Leo and towelled themselves off, Leo stared up at them questioningly. “How did the recon go? I hope that was what the FAKE drowning was?”

Donnie rolled his eyes as he was letting Raph rub his back dry so he could put his hoodie back on.

“Unfortunately that was a real almost drowning. I am fine, thank you for asking.”

Leo winced and stood up. “Shit, sorry. Are you okay?”

“Fine. She literally water bended the pool water out of my throat. And she was FLOATING! Did you see that?” He couldn’t contain his excitement.

Raph pat his shoulder and decided he should collect Mikey while Donnie got him up to speed.

He turned to the pool and didn’t see him.

Mama turtle went in overdrive.

“Mikey?” He called out, darting between people in the crowd.

The more he looked the more worried he got.

‘Idiot, you almost kill ONE brother and LOSE the other?’

He groaned and smacked his head. “Shut up Slash.”

That was new but he couldn’t blame him.

He did a lap around the pool and saw the backside of a turtle behind the bar to the side. He rushed over and realized this turtle was bigger than him.

“Jennika.” He breathed.

She turned in surprise and he could see Mikey behind her, smiling up at him.

“Oh, hi Raph!”

He whimpered and rushed forward, ignoring her to grab him around his shoulders.

“Where did you go! I was worried!”

He grabbed his arms and pushed him back.

“I’m fine! I made a friend, see?” He held his hand out to Jennika, who was standing awkwardly beside them. She was wearing a big white t shirt and baggy trunks.

“Sorry, you… guys were distracted and I wanted to make sure he was safe somewhere…” she barely looked at him.

That hurt for some reason.

“Thanks…” he stood back up, keeping his hand on Mikey’s shoulder to make sure he knew where he was. “I.. sorry, I shouldn’t.. assume things but. You’re… not female like me, are you..?”

She blinked and shook her head. “Uh… no. I used to be… sad. About that.”

A new emotion came over him and he gave her a look of awe.

“Are you… trans..?”

She gave him a surprised look. “Is that… okay?”

Raph could feel his eyes water but he smiled big. “I… I’ve never met a.. I mean, you’re a turtle like me, and you’re.. trans too! A-and that.. makes me happy, I-I don’t know.. sorry, I’m not… not trying to be weird.”

She smiled and shook her head, her eyes were wet too.

“No, it’s not weird, I really get it…” she rubbed her arm. “I didn’t know uh…” she coughed and shook her head. “No, I guess I’d always hoped you were. I didn’t understand myself.”

Raph was confused by her words but kept smiling at her.

“You’re beautiful.” He told her. He didn’t know why he felt the need to tell her that. It was overwhelming seeing someone like him out in the world.

She stared at him with a shocked smile. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

“O-oh…” she sniffed and then laughed, rubbing her eyes. “F-fuck, can I hug you? Th-this is a lot but..”

Raph reached in instantly to wrap his arms around her. He just wanted to make her feel as happy as he felt seeing her. She was taller than him and thicker up top, but she was just a beautiful turtle girl to him.

She seemed to be crying above him as she held him back.

Mikey wandered over and smiled up at her. “See, she’s a friend Raph!”

The two of them parted and Jennika got down on her knee to idly punch his shoulder.

“You’re a good judge of character, but you still shouldn’t run off with people. Not here. There’s bad guys here. Only trust turtles, got that little man?”

He made a determined face and nodded. “Got it.”

Jennika then leaned in to hug Mikey. It looked like a bone crushing hug. Mikey just took it and tried to hug her back just as strongly.

Raph looked between them. They looked.. so similar. She looked like if Mikey had been well loved as a child and grown up strong.

The idea was making him cry again.

“Jennika!” They heard a voice call out.

Raph looked over and saw Kirby again. He was standing by the elevator and waving her over, he looked frustrated to see Raph again, and maybe a little sad.

Jennika looked up and wiped her eyes. “Shit. That’s my brother, he’s gonna give me a talking to…” She muttered slightly annoyed.

Raphs eyes snapped up at her. “Kirby’s your brother?”

She winced and rubbed her neck. “Uh, it’s been nice talking!”

She shuffled away.

Raph was shaking suddenly.

“W-wait!” He started to run but they both looked at him inside the elevator with a sorrowful look and then disappeared.

And he dropped to his knees.

Mikey put his hands on his shoulders. “Raph? What’s wrong? Is it the voices again?”

But his head was silent, save for a ringing in his ears. He stared at the elevator blankly. It opened again and they weren’t there anymore.

He wasn’t sure how long he was staring, he knew Donnie and Leo had wandered up holding all of their stuff, and it took the three of them to lift him off the ground.

“What happened, Raph?” Leo asked gently as they walked his body towards the elevator.

He just stared inside. He hoped to god they’d just reappear and let him ask the burning question on his mind.

He couldn’t say this out loud until he knew.

The elevator door closed and it was just him and his brothers again.

‘You’re right.’

He whipped his head around to look, but realized the voice was Slash again.

“W-what do you mean I’m right?!”

His brothers looked at him funny but he paid them no mind.

‘You know who they are. And you’re right. Big Mama told me the first time you let me out, she wasn’t gonna crush the eggs. She said we’d never see them again. She lied.’

“B-but that makes no sense Slash! Th-they’re too old! I-it’s been a week!”

‘I don’t know. But you know that’s who they are.’

Raph slammed his head against the wall and shook it hard.

“N-no!”

Leo grabbed his shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Raph. Talk to me. What happened?”

Raph looked around the elevator in a panic. Mikey and Donnie looked scared of him, scared of what was happening.

“I-I… not here… I-in the room..”

He didn’t want anyone's secret eyes on him right now. He couldn’t trust Big Mama. Leo was right. Why had they bothered to talk to her at all today? They were better off on their own!

The door opened on their floor and they quickly rushed back inside their freshly cleaned room. Raph checked every room, every cranny. The windows were closed and no one was hiding in the corners.

After his panicked rushing he sat on the freshly cleaned sofa and tried to calm his breathing.

His brothers all stood in front of him in the conversation pit. None of them wanted him out of sight.

“Raph.” Leo said sternly. He looked up and saw them all staring at him with worried eyes.

He looked between them. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “It won’t make sense. But nothing here does. There’s.. magic and portals and dimensional travel…”

“At this point no theory is too out there.” Donnie said.

He opened his eyes and looked at them all seriously.

“They’re our kids.”

[vonschweetz]

Just asking to see if I got my priorities right in this one and if I’m valid over being upset about it:

So I “befriended” a coworker who doesnt work at my store anymore they got a job somewhere else. Naturally she texts me all the time complaining about her work so because we worked together previously I vent about stuff during my shift. This absolute bitch goes and hangs out with the rest of the crew after work despite the fact that she AND other people in that group had covid AND my store is constantly reporting new cases daily and she is such a hypocrite because she talked a big game about how she thought hangjng out with them out of work was irresponsible but after she admit she still went she was like “I cant help it I need I am a social person and need social interactions” bro just say you’re selfish. But besides the point so at the group hangout two of the managers are there and she for some reason brings up a situation I told her in confidence that she would have had no idea knowing about if not for me which makes things awkward and obvious that I am telling her shit and she brings it up so she can start trouble! Then one of the managers tries to say they werent around for this specific thing AND SHE BROUGHT OUT HER PHONE TO SHOW MY TEXTS! THAT ABSOLUTE BITCH! Like when she told me to my face she did that I immediately was upset and she had the nerve to be like “😲 oh no why are you upset? That’s a normal thing to do. I djdnt think about you while I did this.” And she kept trying to belittle my feelings in the situation and make it all about her. She made it really clear that shes a very selfish person who does not think about the actions of her consequences EVER but this one takes the cake (for Christmas she once tried to glitter bomb the secret Santa and I seriously had to talk her out of it because that’s genuinely not cool and also the collateral damage from that is so bad. She looked upset when I told her frankly that if she ever got glitter on me I would break off the friendship and I meant it.) it’s been a couple days and I have not text her since because why the fuck would I text a person who is just gonna rat me out like that? She also projects way too much onto me to the point that it’s really fucking with my mental and emotional stability. This isnt a friendship. This is her trying ti get a free therapy session and I am not having it.

[claire-willz]

I want you to know the number you did on me. I want you to know how badly you fucked me up. I can lie through my teeth and say how over you i am, and how i'm doing good now and I'm in a better mental state and whatever the fuck. I mean I think i am? I'm not 15 and self harming and shit anymore, I don't do the same shit I did back then. I don't know if I'm in a better mental state, or if I've literally just grown up. You fucking broke me. You broke my spirit, you broke my soul.You were so fucking mean to me, I still, 8 years later have your voice in my head mocking everything I do, including writing this bullshit. You fucking ruined me. My life and who I am would have been so different if I had never met you. I mean fuck, i was so desperate to get over you I started sleeping around with anyone who would give me the time of day, which eventually lead me to be a prositute because i thought 'i do it anyway but for free, why not get paid for it?'. In this whatever post I plan to be as vunerable as i can be, and in that, I feel like I'm worth fuck all because I was a prostitute. Because of you. 8 years later and saying your name feels like I'm spitting fire, my stomach turns and i get this rush of emotions, love, hate, heartbreak, guilt.. 6 years ago, I tried to take my own life. I remember thinking how when it worked you would say 'well she was actually strong enough to do it, never thought she would'. But It didnt so.. 5 years ago, I had the biggest depression breakdown to date which cost me not one but two hospital admissions in the space of 24 hours, and I remeber worrying that you would find out because I wanted you to know I had changed even though we hadn't spoken in 2 and a half years. I was depressed, the pressure that you still put over me to be everything i never was that you wanted collapsed me i suppose. Mix that with me trying to be a better person for you and never feeling like it was enough because you fucking hate me and honestly, i see myself the way you do, or did, been too long now, maybe after 8 years you changed your mind? just in case you came back, just in case. I don't remember the sound of your voice, I barely remember what you look like. I don't remember your likes and dislikes, I don't remember your traits and hobbies, But i remember how you made me feel. And I know, because ive been telling myself for years that i need to forgive you, and I think i have, But if i really had, I wouldn't be writing this, so i don't know. Everything I did to the drugs I smoked, the alochol I drank, the people I considered friends and the men i slept with was all to get over you, and in return... I got cripping anxiety as a result from all of it. My psychologists says that to me, you represented everything i wanted at the time even if it wasn't who you were. You represented the love i wanted from my dad, you represented a happy life, you represented acceptance and approval, stability, just everything I didn't have and never did have that subconsiously I always wanted.. and yes, you did put me into therapy, not soley you, but you did. You're right, I am crazy, and i blame you for it, you made me crazy then got mad when I was. But what i wanna know, is how the FUCK do i fix this mess you made, they say time heals all wounds but i disagree, a shitload of water has run under the bridge, every single cell in my body has changed, but the time hasn't healed the wounds its caused a huge infection, the water running under the bridge has stopped running and turned into a lake, the cells in my body still crave you and still yearn for your smell and the sound of your voice saying 'stress less baby'. If i could still remember, it would ring in my ears, but its hard too when your voice is basically forgotten in my memory. I don't know how to get over you, I've tried literally everything. Hypnotism, medication, drugs, alochol, sex (and alot of it), I've tried dating other guys,I've written you letters and burnt them,Ive talked about you in depth to that many fucking people its embarrasing, yet I'm still here. Saturday night and i'm still missing the absolute shit out of you and I'm still hurt over you, stalking any only tumblr profile that has even the hint of your existence then feeling my stomach turn when i remember how it felt when you did the things you did to me. Its like its october 2012 all over again, it feels the exact fucking same and I don't know why. I hate it, I wish it could stop but I really am convinced that I never will. I won't get over you, the damange you did won't heal. I hate you, I hate you so much it literally lets my skin aflame, but I would do absolutely anything to have you back in my life. I don't think I'll get this happy ever after I've been dreaming of, I don't think I'll find someone and get married. I wish you never existed, because this isnt normal. The feelings and everything i go through daily still isn't normal. And i wish it wasn't like this. 24/7 you're torturing me. And i mean youre happy now, you have a wife and a kid, you moved on so long ago I'd be suprised if you ever remembered me. You won't ever read this, and i hope you don't. Maybe this is just another lame attempt to get over you, it won't work, but helps the pain for a little while. Being completly vunerable and honest in a 'letter' isn't something ive done yet. The rest that i wrote were all bullshit on how i forgive you and how i dont love you anymore and how i am doing so much better than you ever thought possible and blah blah blah. All lies, they feel real at the time and maybe they are, but when its moments like these that are so fucking raw the truth just comes out and i'm here, thinking of you and hating everything thats happened. I see my life and three sections, before you, during you, and after you. Before you life was easy, during you.. life was amazing and intense and extreme, after you is pain and denial. Its embarrasment and sadness. Evens bandaids fall off, even stitches get infected. Open wounds sometimes stay open. And its your fault. Maybe if you did come back life would get easier for me, maybe i wouldn't hear your voice, maybe I would go crazy on you again. I know i did awful things to you, but were they that awful? I did them because i was hurt, but you did worse too, and you never owned up to it, and yet youre still the victim in my eyes, even though you moved on and you don't feel the way i feel. I am the victim here, not you and fuck you for thinking that, fuck me for thinking that, I'm just as bad for viewing you that way, I could probably choose not too, but its so embedded into my subconsious i don't see any other way to view you. Because i hate you like you were the bad guy, and love you like you were the victim. It would have been easier if you died, not gonna lie about that. If you had died, my life would be easier. I don't mean that as 'i wish you were dead', but i mean that if you hadnt of left my by choice, it would probbaly be easier to deal with. I know ive changed as a person, i made alot of mistakes and i grew up and grew from them which is something every single person has done and yet i feel your judgement in the harshest way for every single one of them. I carry the guilt for the things that i did as if i did them to you, the one i cared/care about most. I don't know how well this explains everything within me ranting about shit and whatever, but i tried.

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.