#this series already deals really heavily with mental illness in children

[routerdisconnect]

There's always something so sobering about these pre-Smiler videos. Like, oh yeah, he's not a monster. Just a kid stuck perpetuating a cycle of violence.

And now we even have a name for him. Nice to finally meet you, Everette.

Also, the rifle in his dad's closet is really concerning. It could be that the mom's not in the picture because he killed her like I've seen suggested, but it also worries me to think that a bullied kid knew when and how he could get a hold of it... If the :O guys really are his "friends", then maybe that's how they ended up like that.

[archadianskies]

Whumptober Day 20

Lost  → excerpt from ch4 of the RK-YK500s (After a sudden mysterious autoimmune illness befalls the RK series, they are temporarily housed in YK500 units while a cure is found.)

Whumptober Masterlist | 20/31 of RK900 short stories

↳ on Ao3

Tags: Age Regression/De-Aging × Kid Fic ×Post-Pacifist Best Ending × Hurt/Comfort × Father-Son Relationship × Gavin Reed Being an Asshole 

Ronan sits in the front seat of Detective Reed’s car and looks out the window as they leave the apartment complex. It’s starting to lighten up outside, the sun finally starting to fill the city and banish the dark of night. It snowed all last night and everything is buried under a blanket of white. He thinks it’s very pretty.

“Come on.” Detective Reed jerks his head as he parks the car at Starbucks. Ronan unclasps his seatbelt and opens the door, shoes crunching in the snow as he hurries after him. A blast of warm air hits him as they enter the cafe, and he sticks close to Detective Reed’s side as the man joins the queue for the counter. 

“Aww Reed who’s this little guy?” The barista grins down at him. “D’you want a hot chocolate? Hot milk?”

“No thank you, I’ve had my breakfast.” Ronan answers, and the barista laughs delightedly. 

“I’m just stuck with him for a while.” Detective Reed rolls his eyes. “I’ll get the usual but make it a venti. Fuckin’ briefing at work this morning.”

“Hey, language!” They chide, and Ronan’s not sure why. He knows what expletives are and how they’re used for extra emphasis. They wait at the other end of the counter for Detective Reed’s coffee, and once acquired, they head back to the car. 

“Ah shit!” He curses just as he’s about to unlock the vehicle. “Fuck! I left it on the- ah shit.” Turning to him, he points down the road. “Ok listen I have to go home and grab something. Precinct’s that way, you might as well head over while I go back.”

“You want me to walk to Central Station?” Ronan blinks, frowning as he sets the objective. 

“It’s like ten minutes walk that way, c’mon, we’ve done this a million times now.” Detective Reed unlocks the car and gets into the driver’s seat. “Tell the Captain I’ll be right there. I won’t be long.” He shuts the door and backs out of the customer parking bay and Ronan is alone.

He knows where Detroit City Police Central Station is: 1301 3rd Avenue, Detroit. It is, on average, about a ten minute walk from his current location. It is not a difficult objective to complete only Ronan’s unsure why Detective Reed said they’d done it a million times now which can’t be possible because Ronan doesn’t remember ever coming here. Well. He can do this. Calculating the route isn’t so hard when he puts in the starting location as the Starbucks address and the destination as Central Station. Ten minutes walk and then he will have achieved his objection. It’s not so hard! Is it? 

He feels his stress levels starting to rise and he doesn’t know why because there shouldn’t be anything to stress him out.  More and more citizens are out and about; there’s a lot of people and some of them are looking at him as he walks down the street. Down this street and then turn left at the end. Easy. Only...it’s not? And he doesn’t know why it should be easy but isn’t. He clenches his hands and it feels wrong not to have Connor to hold onto, or even Hank. It feels lonely and scary and Detective Reed isn’t here and there’s no one he knows and there’s no one to hold onto and-! His face is wet and he can’t breathe properly and his stress levels are climbing higher and higher and he wants Connor! He wants Connor to hold his hand! Or Hank! Everything is too loud and big and scary and Ronan hates it, he hates it, he wants to be inside with The Void and his aeroplane pyjamas that are soft and warm and he doesn’t want to be out here alone!

“Hey are you okay?” A woman asks him gently and Ronan looks up at her and can’t see her face properly because his eyes are wet. “Oh sweetheart, where are your parents?”

“C-c-” he hiccups and tries again. “Central Station!”

“Central-” she pauses, then nods. “The police station! Did your parents teach you that for when you get lost? What a clever boy you are.” She’s dressed like a businesswoman with a long coat, and she removes her scarf to wrap it around his neck. “Come on, I’ll take you there.”

It doesn’t feel like ten minutes, it doesn’t feel easy, it feels so long and horrible and Ronan cries and rubs his eyes and tries not to be so loud because a nice lady is going out of her way to help him complete a stupidly simple objective. She coos at him sympathetically, squeezing his hand and rubbing it with her thumb and reassuring him that it’s alright, it’s just up ahead. 

*~*~*

Hank scratches his beard and glances at his phone again. Reed’s late. At least he had the good grace to tell someone he’s running late, so Hank can’t really fault him for that. He glances over to where Connor is sitting in his usual chair, sipping on one of those android caprisuns. He let him choose what he wanted to wear today, and the boy chose a white turtleneck with a denim jacket lined in shearling. He even tied one set of shoelaces all by himself after Hank tied the other one. Hank manages to resist reaching over to muss his curls, but only just.

“Sorry, sorry! Forgot my fucking badge on the counter.” Reed announces as he hurries through the security gates, coffee in hand. “Figured I’d need it if we’re questioning people.” 

“Alright, come on.” Jeffrey waves them over. “About time.”

“Where’s Ronan?” Hank looks behind him, expecting to see the boy toddle in like a duckling. 

“Oh, he’s not here yet?” Reed looks at his desk. “Huh.”

“...Why would he be here?” Hank asks slowly, and a nauseous wave roils in his stomach as Reed shrugs. 

“Because I sent him here?” Reed answers matter of factly. “Precinct’s what, a ten minute walk from Starbucks? I thought it’d be better if he headed here while I doubled back.”

There’s an uncomfortable beat of silence and Hank’s own face of horror is mirrored by everyone else in the bullpen. 

“You left a fucking child-”

“Reed why the fuck-”

“Gavin he’s six-”

Everyone erupts all at once and Hank reaches him first, and Reed’s lucky he put his coffee down a second before Hank grabs him by the lapels and gives him a violent shake.

“I’m going to fucking skin you alive Gavin Reed, you absolutely fucking fuckwit!” He bellows, and the murder must be in his eyes because Reed looks like he’s about to turn tail and bolt.

“Why are you making a big deal over this he’s a fucking android!”

“He’s a six year old android!” Hank yells, shaking him again. “You left him on the street! All by himself! Would you leave a child out on their own in public?!”

“But he’s an android why couldn’t he have made it back on his own?!”

“Because he’s a six year old android!” Hank slams him against one of the boards, pure rage in his veins. “You better get the fuck out of this office and find that boy or so help me god Gavin Reed I will end you!”

“Lieutenant, if I may.” It’s Beth, one of the android receptionists. She waves him over. “A kind citizen just dropped Ronan off. He’s with Stephanie right now.”

He drops Gavin and rushes to reception, and there’s Stephanie crouched under her desk comforting a crying Ronan and Hank’s anger vanishes in an instant. He shrugs off his jacket and drops to one knee to wrap it around Ronan, gathering the boy into his arms.

“I didn’t complete my objective! I couldn’t do it!” The boy cries into his shoulder, little body wracked with sobs. “I’m meant to do it by myself!”

“It’s okay kiddo, no one’s mad, no one’s mad I promise.” Hank hushes him, rubbing his back as he squeezes him close. “It’s okay, you’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

“I didn’t complete my mission!” Ronan hiccups, clinging to Hank like a lifeline and Hank makes a mental note to skin Gavin with a butterknife later. “Detective Reed told me-”

“Detective Reed is a-” deep breath, sharp inhale. “-unused to caring for YK500s. He gave you a mission meant for older androids, not little children.”

“But it was easy, he said-”

“It doesn’t matter what he said.” Hank spits, and the boy stiffens in his hold. He sighs heavily and presses a kiss into his hair before he can stop himself. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re here, and you’re safe.”

“I’m sorry.” Ronan mumbles, and Hank pulls away just far enough he can look him in the eyes.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Ronan, do you understand?” He wipes the boy’s tears away with his thumb. “You’ve done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.”

Swallowing thickly, the boy sniffles back the last of his tears and manages a nod. He rubs his eyes before leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Hank’s neck again. 

“There there, I’ve got you kiddo.” He soothes, standing up and simply carrying him into the bullpen. He avoids looking at Reed because he knows the moment he lays eyes on him he’ll fly into a fit of rage and murder may be committed. “I have to go and talk to Captain Fowler and do some work, but Connor will be right here with you.”

He glances over and Tina quickly wheels Ronan’s chair over to Connor’s desk, and Hank gently lowers the boy to sit. Reluctantly untangling his hold on him, Hank smoothes the boy’s hair back and thumbs away the last of his errant tears.

“Connor, you’ll look after your brother won’t you?”

“Yes Hank!” Connor nods eagerly, already reaching across to hold his hand. Ronan’s lower lip trembles for a moment, before he steels himself and squeezes Connor’s hand. “Ronan, you must replenish your fluids! Here, have one of mine.” With his other hand, Connor plucks out another pouch from his backpack propped on his desk. “I’m going to let go so I can put the straw in, okay?”

“Okay.” Ronan sniffles as he nods, and Connor pokes the straw into the pouch before offering it to his brother. 

“Here you go.” Ronan takes it with one hand and seeks Connor’s hand with his other, big grey eyes still glassy with barely restrained tears. Leaning over, Hank gives them both a kiss to the crown of their heads, nosey colleagues be damned before following Tina into Fowler’s office.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Ten Sides (Part 16)

“The next chakra is the water chakra.”

“Wonderful, I just love waterbending.” Azula grumbles.

“I think that you’d make a good waterbender, it’s all graceful and agile.” He notes. “I think that it would come naturally to you. When Pathik and I were doing this he told me that all of the elements were connected. They’re four parts of one whole and that’s why, to balance your chakras, you need to work with all four elements.”

“I suppose that, that makes sense.” Azula agrees. She takes a deep breath. “So what mental anguish are you going to inflict upon me next.”

“Guilt.”

Azula inhales sharply, she supposes that he has plenty of ammo.

“The water chakra deals with pleasure and is blocked by guilt. I think that you can guess where this one is located.”

Azula nods, “I am plenty aware, yes. Let’s just get this guilt tripping over with.”

Aang shakes his head. “This isn’t something I goad you into feeling. You tell me...or tell yourself what you blame yourself for and what you regret doing.”

There are a great many things that come to mind, things that she would rather not think of at all. Things that she hadn’t realized that she felt remorse for until her mind began to wander. And, Agni do they extend far back. So many little things; shoving TyLee over as children, a collection of petty antics done for the sake of making her mother hate her more, most everything surrounding Zuko. Albeit, it was much better to have beat Zuko down than to have let father beat her down. And yet all of these things have come back for her. She thinks of the little things that had led up to Mai and TyLee stabbing her in the back. All of the profound things, the games and manipulatives. It hurts. She doesn’t want them to hate her and yet she can’t see it anyother way.

She sees the scar on Aang’s back, the one that matches Zuko’s. She is a killer, she supposes. And the boy she killed has been going out of his way to help her. She doesn’t understand and she isn’t sure that she wants to.

More than anything she resents herself for letting father toy with her so heavily. Agni, she thinks that she always knew that he was. But, spirits, she wanted him to love her. She needed him to. So she let it all go. She let him shape her into a monster. She did this to herself, she did all of this to herself. Her mind is fractured. She is alone. She is shamed and undignified. And it is her fault.

.oOo.

Her eyes are so downcast. She is staring at her palms but he is sure that she isn’t actually seeing them. He thinks that he should reach out and tell her that, that is good enough, that she can stop now. But he is certain that it doesn’t work that way. Not if they want to do this right.

Instead he waits for her stare to grow less distant. All last she looks up,  somehow more drained than before. He wonders if this was a good idea.

“When I spoke to Guru Pathik, he told me that I had to forgive myself if I wanted to do anything good for the world. He said that I had to accept that all of the things I thought of happened and that I needed to let them go.” And how delightful it felt when he did.

“Accept it?” Azula asks, her voice low.

He nods.

“I killed you.”

“But I’m still here.” It feel strange to downplay it, but there will be a time when he discusses that with her. And it might be easier if he allows her to process it and come to terms with it for herself at first. “You were part of a war just like me and Katara and everyone else.”

She opens her mouth and then closes it again. He is curious but he doesn’t push her. Not until it becomes plenty clear that she is struggling to let any of it go. “I’m not happy with everything I did in the war. I killed people too...I think...when I went into the Avatar state.” He shudders. “And if I didn’t, I hurt them badly enough that they can’t fully recover. You’re not unforgivable.”

She shifts and rubs her fingers over the cloth of her pants. “Then why doesn’t anyone forgive me?”

“You haven’t exactly asked for it.”

She stares off into the distance.

“I forgive you.” He smiles. “We’re still going to have to talk about it, but I forgive you.” He hopes that, that makes it at least a little easier for her. “It’ll be so much easier for other people to forgive you if you can forgive yourself.” He might be rambling now, but maybe something will resonate with her. “Don’t you think that it will be easier for you to make friends and heal if you realize that you’re not a bad person so you can stop acting like one?”

“I’m not?”

“You’re not.” I insists. “I know it. I know that you don’t like it but, after working with your spirit energy, I can tell. Your dad’s spirit energy was terrifying and it was really, really dark. Yours wasn’t like that…”

She swallows again. “It wasn’t?”

“No. It wasn’t.”

.oOo.

Aang ventures to the ship’s kitchen and comes back with a cup of what she can only assume is a noxious combination of onion and banana juice. Fleetingly, the thought of stomaching that is more horrifying than whatever chakra the will be working with next.

She takes the cup in her hands and stares ambivalently into it. “Is this going to make me throw up?”

“It’s actually not as bad as it sounds.” Aang promises. She can tell that he is lying, she knows that if she asks him to have a glass as well that he will flinch away. “Okay, so I don’t like it at all, but it’s Pathik’s favorite drink.”

She takes only a little sip first. “What is this supposed to achieve?”

“Pathik says that it helps him cleans his chakras.”

She shoots him a skeptical look.

“And I thought that you could use a little break.” He pauses, “are you feeling a little better now?”

She supposes that she is. It is plenty reassuring to know that at least one person--two, if she counts herself--has forgiven her. Doubly so, hearing that her spirit energy didn’t radiate some deeply rooted vileness.

“We’re going to be working with the fire chakra next.”  Aang says. As soon as the smile appears on her lips he adds, “speaking from experience, working with your choice element’s chakra is one of the hardest.” She can see it in his eyes that he thinks that the same will be said for her. “The fire chakra deals with willpower and shame blocks it off.”

Her stomach does a little flop, only briefly before it occurs to her that she has been ruminating on her shame well before this. “I don’t think that this one will be any trouble at all, Avatar.”

All of the indignities that have come with losing control of her own mind--first during the agni kai and then to the hands of Sangyul. All of the indignities that have come from failing to beat Zuko. Zuko who wasn’t never the best firebender. Zuko who was a disgrace in her father’s eyes. What does that make her? She thinks of the indignities of having cried in front of them.  She thinks of the indignity of letting Sangyul reap so much of her agency from her, of the gash she’d cut into her face. Mostly her cheeks burn at the thought of gushing over and pining for Aang. Of the night when he had pulled all of the wrong strings and she found herself trailing her finger over his chest until he shoved her away and made his retreat. Thank the spirits that he had… She had things on her mind that night. Things that bring color to her cheeks even without having acted upon them.

Her whole life has amounted to nothing but shame. Shame and humiliation. Foolishness and uselessness. The sheer wasted potential in itself is something to be ashamed of.

Oh it is no trouble. It is no trouble at all. The shame has been running in circles in her mind for the longest time now. And maybe that is partly why it was so easy for he and Sangyul to slip in and put thoughts into her mind.

“The hard part isn’t listing the reasons to be ashamed.” Aang shakes his head. “It’s accepting these aspects of your life.”

Aspects. She thinks that they have become a little more than aspects. And she supposes that he is right, it is significantly harder. Impossible in fact. She would much rather reject them, pretend like they didn’t happen. And yet she can’t. “I am aware that they are a part of my life. Plenty aware. Let’s move on.”

Aang sighs. “There’s accepting them and then there’s accepting them. You’ve stopped denying that whatever happened, happened. You accepted that those things did happen. But you haven’t accepted that it’s okay…”

“Because it isn’t!” She snaps. She feels rather ill. “I let him do that to me…” she isn’t sure if she is speaking of father or Sangyul or of both of them as one entity. “I…I could have been so much. I...” she trails off. In her distress she has already babbled too much.

Aang nods. “Part of accepting that is realizing that, those things don’t define you.” He cups his hand over hers, a soothing gesture--she recognizes--nothing more and nothing less. “That they aren’t the most important parts of you. There are so many other things that outshine them.”

“Like what?” Azula inquires. What is left of her dignity? What is left of the version of her that she actually had respect for?

“Like your intelligence.”

Perhaps she gives him a skeptical look because he continues. “I think that I would have made a lot more progress on tampering with your spirit energy if you were simple-minded. And if you weren’t so strong.”

There is strength in intelligence and intelligence in strength, she supposes. But she isn’t entirely convinced that she has either.

“It takes a lot of strength and resilience and courage  to even start doing something like this. Trust me, I know that unblocking chakras is difficult. I suggested it because I figured that you could handle it.”

She supposes that he has a point.

“If you want to fix the things that you are ashamed of, you have to embrace that they happened.” He reiterates.

And another fair point. Truly she does want to move on from these things. She supposes that she doesn’t have to share them with anyone else, that no one else has to know about this moment--this series of moments of weakness. She supposes that it is much better to face them than to run from them. She is a lot of things but she isn’t a coward. She isn’t weak. She, despite it all, has more dignity than that, more pride than that. It would be nice to hold her head high again, if only to spite everyone and everything that has tried to make her feel foolish and inadequate.

She closes her eyes and bunches her fists. But to accept shame is to accept imperfection. Admittedly, she has shed perfection long ago. Admittedly, it almost feels comforting; at least there are no more expectations of her. At least hope and potential have all been wasted to the point where she doesn’t have to worry about upholding them.

She thinks of how much more significant success would be, how much more satisfying, if she manages to achieve it without it being handed to her. How much more glorious glory would be if it were something she earned for herself in the face of adversary. So she can say soundly that she has done it on her own. That it is a product of skill and talent rather than luck and natural born privilege.

There is a depth in shame. A paradoxical pride in shame. In facing it and making something of it.

She inhales deeply, “alright, Avatar, which chakra is next?”

[believeinthecheese]

FanFic - Everyone Loves Butters - Part Two, Stan Marsh

Here’s the second part to the series. And for anyone wondering, the whole thing is also on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1030934

Ever since he was a child, Stan Marsh had never coped very well with large-scale change. He had learned to deal with the smaller, inevitable changes that came with growing up, but every now and then something would happen and he could feel the dark claws of anxiety latching on, clawing up his throat trying to escape. He kept a good handle on his mental illness, for the most part, and he was lucky to be surrounded by generally caring and supportive people. They may make mistakes, especially his friends in the early days when they were too young to understand properly, but he knew that they would always be there for him in the end.

So what was he supposed to do when the reason he felt those dark tendrils writhing in his gut was the fear that he was losing the person he was closest to? He and Kyle had come as a pair for as long as he could remember, but it seemed like the older they got the further apart they drifted. He would admit that he was somewhat to blame for the ever-widening chasm between them. In his early teens he’d broken up with Wendy for good and thrown himself into the high school dating scene a bit too enthusiastically, subsequently pushing Kyle away. The separation had, however, made him realise just how much he cared about his super best friend; Too little, too late. By the time he came to terms with his feelings it felt like Kyle was out of reach, and he didn’t know how to bridge the gap. Then came the day that Eric Cartman, of all people, approached Kyle, while Stan was standing right there watching, and asked him out. To say people were shocked would’ve been an understatement. Eric and Kyle’s history aside, as far as anyone knew Eric was in a loving relationship with Butters Stotch. In fact, people were enraged that it seemed Eric was ditching the lovable little blonde to pursue his long time rival, even more so when it appeared he hadn’t even officially broken things off with Butters before approaching Kyle. The rage turned to confusion when Eric started openly dating Kyle, while simultaneously continuing his relationship with Butters. Word soon spread around the school that the three were in a polyamorous relationship, and the initial reactions were not kind. No one dared speak against Eric, who was still well known for being unhinged when it came to revenge, but they didn’t spare either of his boyfriends. Butters found himself pitied by the majority of the school’s population, people looking on with knowing, sympathetic stares whenever he and Eric were seen together. The gossip about Kyle was particularly harsh, with the general consensus being that he was a home wrecking slut who had pursued Eric even knowing he was already taken. Without actually knowing anything about the intricacies of the relationship between the three, people decided that Butters had been forced into sharing his beloved Eric with the evil Kyle, or face losing him forever. This assessment was far from the truth, as it had been Butters who encouraged the relationship between Eric and Kyle in the first place, and he was one of their biggest supporters. Stan found himself wanting to defend Kyle from the vicious rumors, but he was so thoroughly confused himself that he didn’t know where to begin. He tried talking to Wendy about it, and she was able to explain polyamory to him, but he kept his feelings for Kyle a closely guarded secret and so his confusion persisted. In his efforts to avoid both Kyle and Eric, he found himself spending more time around Butters and Kenny. The two blondes had been close friends for a really long time, ever since they went to Hawaii together as children. So when Eric was spending time with Kyle, Butters would take the opportunity to catch up with his oldest friend. With his own super best friend unavailable, Stan was left with few alternatives, and actually found that he really enjoyed their company. Butters quickly became a brilliant light in Stan’s life, illuminating the darkness he’d found himself wallowing in. It was sort of strange, he’d known Butters pretty much his whole life, but it was like he’d never really looked at him before. Whenever they’d hung out as kids it had always been as part of a group, either playing superheroes and villains, fantasy roleplaying games, or just goofing around with the gang. Butters had been that naive, slightly goobery kid who followed them around and they all tolerated him because it was easier than telling him to go away. Looking at him now though, Stan was left wondering if he’d always been this beautiful, this kind-hearted, and so unbelievably pure. How had he missed it, all this time? Unbeknownst to Stan, Kenny could see what was happening and started making excuses to avoid hanging out with the other two, encouraging them to spend time alone together. Slowly but surely Butters was easing the pain deep within Stan’s heart, and replacing it with the soft growth of new love. It didn’t happen with a bang or any sort of dramatic flair; One day they simply looked at each other and realised they were in love. They had been messing around at Stan’s house after school one day, on one of the rare occasions that Kenny actually joined them. What started out as video games soon turned into a bit of friendly wrestling between friends. Somehow Butters had ended up on top of Stan, hands on his shoulders holding him down, both of them breathing heavily. They lay there, frozen, for what seemed like hours, until Stan licked his dry lips and shifted slight, breaking the spell. “Oh gosh Stan, I’m sorry!” Butters gasped, moving to get off his friend. But Stan let out a choked whine and grabbed the smaller boy’s hips, pulling him back down against him hard. Butters stared at him, eyes wide and mouth open, unsure of what was happening. Then, hesitantly, he moved forward and shyly kissed his friend before pulling back, a silent question in his eyes. “Butters…” Stan whispered, leaning up, chasing another kiss. Like a switch flipped, they gave in to their emotions, lips joining passionately as their bodies moved together. It was messy, it was sloppy, but they didn’t care because this was what they’d been yearning for. Kenny coughed, “You guys, uh, know I’m still here right? Nope, okay well I’ll just see myself out then… Have fun, be safe, make good choices!"

[aurynleid]

I just finished Trespasser and I have too many feelings.

Dragon Age: Inquisition has had the strongest impact on me than any and every game since... since I first played Final Fantasy VII at age something-young-and-stupid. I wish I had played the DA games earlier and played Inquisition when it first came out to be out amongst all the hype - it must have been wonderful.

I came straight here to try and vomit all my feels out into one place while they were fresh in my heart but I’m struggling to articulate. 

(lots of words behind the cut)

I played Inquisitor Lavellan as a slightly younger elf that always felt out of his depth, relying heavily on advice from Cullen, Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra (unofficially known as Cassandra-mum), and his heart. Coerced into roof-time and prank-pulling with Sera, far-too-much-alcohol with Bull, accidentally fell for a Tevinter mage. Chatted with Tom as he watched the soon-to-be-Warden carve toys for children, badgered Varric for tales of Rowan Hawke and organised for Cassandra to get the thrilling conclusion of that much loved trash novel series. Admittedly he wasn’t the best to teach Cole ‘human’ things but he tried anyway, his fondness and feeling of protection intense. He disagreed with Vivienne on a lot of things but still admired her, and he disagreed with Solas more, but loved to sit and listen to his tales of the Fade.

Solas is difficult ground. Where I found him frustrating and tended to disengage, I think Althan probably found him a curious mystery and, every time he saw disappointment in the elf’s eyes, felt the urge and need to prove himself. Because of this I didn’t expect Trespasser to have the emotional impact it did - but whether it was the facial animation, the dialogue or just the emotional swell of music, my eyes couldn’t stay dry. I wasn’t sure why it hurt so much and I could spent ages trying to pull it apart - but, probably, the main thing was I knew I would soon be saying goodbye to my favourite game, and all those beautiful characters. 

Also I lost an arm. D:

Which I’m sure you all already know but, I am left-handed IRL so it seemed like a pretty crappy deal. Oh well, apparently Sera gets me a crossbow extension for it... 

I have never cried so much at the end of a Dragon Age game. Origins wrapped up a bit more traditionally, feeling like the end of Star Wars: A New Hope, accolades and all, and that was fine, I was satisfied. Dragon Age 2, the poor dear - the end felt so rushed and slapped on I barely had time to mourn Anders, let alone the passing of the game itself. Dragon Age Inquisition hit the sweet spot. It was just the right length, and had just the right farewell (wouldn’t have minded a final kiss with Dori, though). It was sweet and bittersweet and sad and emotions I don’t know the name of, and Cassandra reading out Varric’s account of the whole tale during the end credits was skillfully put probably to take us out of the depths of our despair. 

I didn’t go into the game knowing who I was going to romance. I had actually initially been making a female human, but me being me, ended up with my little elfen Althan, which apparently narrowed down my choices a lot. I am not straight, so I tend to edge towards same-sex relationships when available because, whatever gender I play, they feel more natural to me. My second playthrough I really wanna romance Cullen as a female human because he’s a dear but I just have this feeling I might ‘accidentally’ end up with Sera. It happens like that lots. 

I had been expecting to both IC and OOCly dislike Dorian - all I knew of him prior to playing was that he was a ‘Vint, and thought ‘well that can’t be good’, and that said he swept me off my feet pretty damn fast. I imagined Althan being very hesitant at first with a Tevinter mage about, polite but definitely letting Dorian know he wasn’t liked (can those things exist at the same time?). Then with a combination of eternal suave, the Poirot moustache and some really sweet and soulful words and gazes, we were doomed. Him almost-sobbing ‘I knew you were going to break my heart’ at the Crossroads while the anchor burned away at Althan’s arm nearly broke my heart, at the same time as I wanted him to reply ‘you’re the one who left’ because long-distance relationships are hard and why did he have to go back to Tevinter anyway.

(The face Althan pulled when he learned Dorian would be going back to the ‘Vint indefinitely after the talks because he’s basically twelve)

It’s been a while since something has inspired me so much. There are so many ideas for pictures and stories and comics I want to get out of me, that I really hope I can - my mental health has been really bad, really exceptionally bad though, and where creating used to be a solace for me I now find it very hard to do when I’m ill, wrapped up in so much anxiety and self-hate. I really hope I can still get them out of me. I really want to. My housemate bestie is really into DA and recently started replaying it inspired by all our chatter, so hopefully she’ll help me help myself get the art out.

Out of all the DA protagonists, saying goodbye to the Inquisitor was the hardest. Prior to playing, my favourite was Hawke (gasp I know), but again, it was hard to miss him because I didn’t feel as though there had been room to say goodbye, everything about that game was a bit too fleeting and abrupt. I loved my Warden too, of course, miss City Elf With An Attitude Shandril, the rogue who stole Leliana’s heart. But potentially because Inquisition was just so well executed, Althan is now my favourite, and I’m sure always will be (The next game has a lot to live up to and surpass). Outside of the poor vocal choices (I never like these anyway, though Hawke was good), there was so much room made for you to create the Inquisitor’s character than ever before in the DA-verse. I might be wrong or you might disagree, maybe I’m still in the afterglow - but I felt so much freedom to express Althan as the sort of Inquisitor I wanted him to be, which wasn’t your archetype hero, which was someone who was scared a lot of the time and uncertain of what to do, and anxious that so many people were looking to him, but in the end managed to stumble through it all with a little help from his friends, and by being earnest and thoughtful. 

(The theatre was a new and dazzling experience) 

I think that’s it for now. I know I have more to say on this but it’s not in me to put it down now, I’m thoroughly exhausted. If you’ve gotten to the end of this, go you! I’d love to hear about your Inquisitor and your experience with Inquisition. Please. Send me pictures, gush to me about your character and your romance and your world-state. Really. I’d love to hear and share and all of it. 

[100wordanime]

Overview:

In the near future a virus called Gastrea that can turn humans into monsters has broken out. Highly contagious, and very feared, war breaks out but very few survive. Those who do, live in regions surrounded by massive monoliths made of a material called Varanium which repels/hurts the Gastrea. To fight the gastrea, partners made up of a promoter (human) and an initator (one of the female cursed children who contain the Gastrea virus but have a slow rate of infection) fight as civil servants to defend the growing threat to what remains of Tokyo.

Review – This one is going to be spoiler heavy:

I watched Black Bullet once, a few years ago (probably just after it finished airing or sometime around then) and I remember not having liked it very much. Recently I stumbled upon this series on Crunchyroll and tried to remember what my problem with the series was and I drew a blank. Actually, I drew a blank on more or less everything to do with this anime other than the fact that the title didn’t really make a lot of sense. Sure, main character Rentarou does use a gun occasionally, and yes, his bullets are made of varanium which is black, but as he tends to punch or kick things as often as shoot them and the gun has no significance to the story, I’m still totally lost on why the show is called Black Bullet.

Yes, he is a villain. Can’t you tell?

What I realised while rewatching this was that sitting underneath all the things that either annoyed me or made me feel a little disconnected from the events, is actually a pretty intense story full of rich emotion and great (if slightly obvious) questions about humanity as a whole. Unfortunately, the anime seems determined to help you overlook all of its positives in exchange for the generic and the lame and the balance between the two isn’t great.

Kisara is the best character to exemplify what I mean by this. Going heavily into spoiler territory.

For most of the series I was wondering why Kisara even existed (having forgotten how the story ended her character seemed entirely superfluous and mostly I’d written her off as the character who would probably die right before the final battle – I know now why that wouldn’t have worked but possibly the story should have done a bit more with her earlier). Anyway, Kisara’s role is completely ill-defined and as a result she’s either absent for extended periods early on (to the point where you forget who se is) or she’s shifting into whichever anime trope they’d currently like her to portray.

Basically, she’s Rentarou’s boss. Though other than one scene early on where she’s telling him off and another later on where she essentially orders him to let her work underneath him (that makes sense) you almost always forget that she ‘runs’ the company. Mostly because the company makes no sense. Why do civil servants need a private company when essentially they get hired more or less directly by the leader of the city anyway? Cut out of the middle man, or lady, so to speak and nothing would have changed.

And it is this absence of any meaningful role that hurts Kisara. As the story goes on you learn that she feel indebted to Rentarou because when her parents died he was horribly injured… tragic back story, childhood promises, angsty teens, got it.

At one point the story sends an assassin after her, because why not? I’m guessing technically they did that because Rentarou was protecting the target but why not send the assassin after the actually civil servant rather than the civil servant’s boss? For a few moments, Kisara gets to show off her cool sword skills that we’ve seen her practice but never use and then somehow, right before Rentarou shows up, she gets to fall and become helpless. Then, a few moments later, she gets to ‘save’ Rentarou before collapsing into his arms all frail and helpless again. Pick a side already. Are you strong and fiery or are you the damsel?

Another point in the series has both Kisara and Rentarou begin teaching at an open air school for the cursed children. They all fall in love for Rentarou (another issue with the show I’m going to get back to later) but Kisara mostly just stands at the front and occasionally interjects a comment. Her presence there would have been completely unmissed if they’d just not drawn her. When the school and all the students are blown up, Rentarou is the one who walks in on the police doing the clean up because Kisara slept in. Rentarou is the one who identifies the bodies and mourns at the hospital before having to deal with Enju (his partner and also a cursed child) as she discovers what has happened and mourns. All Kisara does is wait for him to come back. She taught at the school too, so why doesn’t she get any of these moments?

By the time we get to the end, there’s so many other things happening that Kisara becomes a point that you just kind of toss to the side, which is kind of a mistake given where they take her character in the final episode. If Kisara had been introduced in episode 8 or 9 (as a lot of other characters were) and had taken that character arc to episode 13, it could have been brilliant. From trained fighter but inexperienced in actual combat and starting out with a new partner under someone uncertain of his own command, heart burning with revenge for a previous wrong that was linked to the current wrong, to the character who coldly executes her revenge without another thought and clearly understands that she’s drawn a line between herself and Rentarou, it is an excellent character arc. But you don’t get to enjoy that arc because of all the other rubbish that this character has been put through prior to them using her for anything of value.

Spoilers continuing.

As I said before that extended ramble, it kind of exemplifies everything I loved and found problematic with this show in one character. Black Bullet has some truly heart wrenching moments and some really interesting moral conundrums to throw at the characters and the audience. It has moments of poignancy that just hit home hard. The final scene with Enju and Rentarou on the train where Rentarou finally lets everything that has happened over the past few days hit him and he breaks down weeping, head buried in Enju’s lap, is the perfect final note for these two characters after everything they’ve gone through. When the show plays the drama and emotion of the scene it gets it right and it does this enough throughout the series that you can’t just dismiss this as frivolous. Yet, it can’t commit to those moments either.

Rentarou could have been a truly interesting protagonist but he is plagued by the every single cursed child falling in love with him syndrome and self-aware harem and pervert jokes being thrown at him by all of the older women in his life (boss, patron, doctor who saved his life and now… hangs around). The relationship Rentarou is forging throughout the series with Enju is touching and heartwarming but when he plays the same big brother character to Tina and the blind girl and everyone else and they just sign up for the ‘I love Rentarou’ club it kind of buries some of the better Enju and Rentarou moments.

Enju’s insistence that Rentarou is going to marry her isn’t as irritating as it might be in other shows where an overpowered little sister character makes such a declaration. In this, it is heart breaking. You know Enju doesn’t have the time and any dreams she has of growing up are just that, dreams. They will never be fulfilled so Rentarou has no need to puncture that ideal of hers, but you can see it twists a knife into his heart every time she says it.

There’s a moment fairly early in the series where Enju has been to the doctor and they’ve checked her ‘corrosion’ level. Essentially once it hits 50% Enju is going to be killed because otherwise she’s going to turn into a Gastrea. Rentarou lies to her and tells Enju her level is somewhere in the 20’s when in fact she’s in the 40’s. Enju’s time is really close. That’s dramatic and you can see the look on Rentarou’s face as he lies and then in case you didn’t get it, he looks deliberately at the charm she gave him which was meant to break if he didn’t tell the truth and he’s removed it prior to speaking to her. It’s a great moment. That never, ever gets revisited. Enju’s corrosion level never comes up again in the entire series.

One final issue I had with this before I get on with recommending why you should watch this show anyway despite the fact that I did just spoil most of it, and that is Takuto. I get that in all of these types of stories there’s that one idiot who is out for his own agenda and has it in for the ‘hero’ to the point where he’ll do something stupid. But there’s a time and a place for stupidity. This guy takes it to a new extreme and what really bothers me about this is he doesn’t do it alone. A whole group of soldiers help him sabotage the only line of defence the city has in that final battle. What were they thinking? Even if someone successfully argued that Takuto was just mental, what about the others who contributed to this scheme? If the line falls, all of you are going to die. Did that not somehow sink in? Anyway, Takuto gets the award for an act that is just too stupid for words and that is in a series where one of the earlier antagonists ends up just joining in the final battle because, why not.

So, yes, Black Bullet has its issues (not the least of which is a title that keeps making me type Black Butler and then having to correct). There’s a ridiculous harem set up, there’s overly cutesy moments thrown in to what is otherwise a fairly grim tale, there’s boob grabs, and totally unnecessary rivalries, and there’s some obviously stupid decision making along the way. Countering all of that though are some truly touching moments, some scenes that know exactly what they are doing, a lot of moral gray areas for our characters to walk, and fight sequences that are pretty good. There’s also a lot of violence and gushy purple/blue liquid usually stained by blood.

There’s no problem when a show tries to mix drama and comedy. Many shows manage to successfully add levity to fairly heavy plots in order to not depress the audience entirely. The issue with this show is it never finds the right balance and you are never quite sure if this was ever supposed to be a serious drama (though the ending kind of leaves no room for doubt that this situation was dark and the cost of survival is high). But that means that for a lot of the run time you are switching between cute girls doing cute things, cute girls killing things, two teenagers out for revenge/justice/money, a whole bunch of other characters with similarly ill-defined motives, and then some monster bug things thrown in just to stir things up. All and all, it is just a little bit messy.

For my second watch I had a lot of fun with this though I honestly don’t see me going for a third watch. Providing of course I remember it this time.

Are you a fan of 100WordAnime.blog?

If you like this site and you like what I do, consider becoming a patron.

Thanks,

Karandi James.

Black Bullet Series Review - This could have been great, maybe. Overview: In the near future a virus called Gastrea that can turn humans into monsters has broken out.