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zrbillings · 5 years

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Pokemon Sword & Shield - Review

So it’s been a long time since I’ve reviewed anything (years in fact) and since video reviews take such an exorbitant amount of time and COPPA has made Youtube this very scary place right now; I figured why not do what I know and write a review.

So with that out of the way, let's talk about Pokemon Sword & Shield. These games appear to be super devicieve you’re either in #gamefreaklied #bringbackthenationaldex camp or you’re a ‘defender’. I find that I have a bit of a unique perspective on the game so I wanted to share my thoughts. I’ve just completed Pokemon Sword, and just so you out there in internet land know my qualifications because to Pokemon fans that seems they only real way to justify having a different opinion.

I was born in ‘91

Pokemon Blue was my literal first GB game.

If point 2 wasn’t enough I collected everything Pokemon and grew up watching the show, often playing the games while I did.

I’ve completed the National Dex

I’ve completed the Kanto Dex like 3x over.

And I’ve played various other spin-off games i.e. Colosseum, Stadium, Gale of Darkness, Trozie? Trozae?

And if you couldn’t put it together I’ve played through nearly every mainline game the only exceptions being. Alpha Sapphire, Diamond, Fire Red, Let’s Go Pikachu, Sun, Ultra Moon. Basically at some point if I owned one version that’s all I needed.

Okay! So with all that out of the way, let’s talk about these games. Plain and simple if you just want to know if it is actually bad, no it’s not, it’s good, one could argue great, I wouldn’t, but you could. If you like Pokemon, get over the National Dex and “It ShOuLD LoOk BEtTeR” and play it, it’s fun it’s Pokemon with some new gimmicks. 3 out of 5 I guess if you want to be critical. Okay so for the rest of you, the ones who are more critical and want to know what SUCKS, and what ROCKS. Keep in mind going forward I’m not addressing the whole stupid delemma of cut Pokemon or graphics, at least not in depth, you want to talk that crap just @ me I’ve got the time. So graphically it is undoubtedly the best looking in the series you literally cannot argue that, should it look better? Well, I don’t know, I think to expect it to makes you look stupid no matter what reasoning you want to bring to the table. Pokemon has literally NEVER shown interest in pushing graphics, they’ve almost never made massive leaps forward, the amount of times they have can be counted on one had, so to have expected more that’s on you, not them. I find them to be gorgeous, yeah there’s things here and there that could be better, but if you go looking for a problem in anything you’ll find it, you could find ugly stuff in Skyrim too, or even Final Fantasy 15. Characters are definitely more expressive than they’ve ever been, the towns are stunning and I feel unlike some of the more recent games definitely come off as more memorable even if you can’t name them, you can instantly picture them. Animations, while I totally agree should be better, shouldn’t have been expected to be more than they are, again this is Gamefreak they literally improve at a snail’s pace justified or not. That being said, while Pokemon aren’t particularly animated in battle, the game overall is the most animated in the series, and here’s why. Again characters are far more expressive, and are constantly moving even in battles when a Pokemon attacks the trainer makes an action, you have overworld Pokemon, you have each and every Pokemon able to do a handful of different animations in Pokemon Camp. You have the world itself that is filled with movement i.e. NPCs, scenery here and there, a good example being the town Ballonlea the Fairy-Type gym location in case the name doesn’t sound familiar. So yes while the animations aren’t particularly impressive, I would say they’re still the best in the series AS A WHOLE (can’t believe I need to specify that). The big draw of this game is the open are called The Wild, this is sort of what people who hate these games wanted an entire game to be like, but better. And I think while they could be bigger, they feel the right size in correlation to the size of the rest of the map, there’s plenty to explore and it is genuinely fun to roam around in especially online. That being said, the game definitely (at least for me) chugs a bit while online, but I wouldn’t say it ruined the experience at all for me. It was so cool to see other players setting up camps and running around, I will say however that while these things are cool, they could have been developed further. You can’t interact with these players if you engage with one they just give you a stock response and then hand you some sort of cooking item, which okay getting cooking items this way fantastic! But why not let trainers customize their greetings? A little especially while in camps? There’s just more they could have done here, I can understand not wanting to create a system where interacting with someone dead stops them in place in order to trade or whatever, that could get really annoying. But I find, there’s not enough here that really push this feeling of a shared space, like why not have brought back Secret Bases again? And had your friend’s bases show up that way if you did want to hang out and chat (through the terrible Nintendo App, or whatever superior option) you could! Like can you imagine? Instead of just having to camp outside and hang out with friends having like your own space to hang out, battle, trade. You could have made this space like an area where if you interact with a trainer a menu for those sort of things could be triggered. The Wilds overall are fun and they’re cool to explore for new Pokemon, I just feel they could have been experimented a little more with. I won’t prattle on any further, but just saying I’d love to see Gamefreak take this and push it harder next game. As an ending note I do fine the placement of The Wilds fine, at first it looks odd, but once you start playing given it’s function it makes sense, I think if the whole game were The Wilds like some people desperately want, you’d run into a lot more problems, with things like trainer placement, and how to limit progression, not saying it can’t be done, just that we’re a ways off from anything like that happening yet. I will say this though (sorry last thing I swear) I DO NOT like how the progression system of The Wilds works, the moment you enter it you can explore 90% of it, which fine, EXCEPT! The problem becomes that while you can explore nearly every nook and cranny of it you can only catch Pokemon in designated areas because if a Pokemon is over a certain level and you don’t have enough badges you just straight up can’t catch it. Which okay I can understand, but then I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ALLOWED THERE! For example (and why I’m bringing this up) there is an area where you must cross a bridge to get into the next section of the lands, cool I think this is great it visually queues us, “hey this is a different section so logically the Pokemon will be stronger here.” The problem! Is while we in theory can piece this together literally nothing stops us from crossing, the reason this bothers me is because on the literal otherside of the bridge is I SHIT YOU NOT a MF Snorlax! Just chillin, doesn’t wander just stands there, while okay this is a great reference to other games. WHY WOULD YOU NOT! Just put him sleeping on the bridge like in every other game in this scenario, it bars the pass and players don’t waste their time exploring an area before they can get the most out of it. Plus! This game rewards you special Acorn Balls at each Gym, if you don’t know what these are they were in Gold and Silver they’re special Pokeballs that in this game are one of a kind that have awesome effects, the one I want to reference specifically here is the Heavy Ball which works better the heavier a Pokemon is i.e. “this ball was invented for catching Snorlax.” So it baffles me how Gamefreak didn’t do something like the last Gym before you’re able to wake up Snorlax and pass the bridge allows you to get a Heavy Ball thusly not only letting you finally progress into this new area, but also gives you an item as a sort of reward. Wow, sorry moving on. I find where this game really misses the mark is the story and the characters, outside Hop (who is insufferable early on) are really bland and sort of lackluster. I feel like this is a bigger thing to be upset about than animations and Pokemon count. Hop is one of the only rivals to truly go through a character arch which is amazing! He goes from this arrogant, insufferable, condescending, ass, to someone who just wants to be the best, but doesn’t act like he already is, he knows where he’s at and strives to be more. This huge development really, really shows how poor the rest of the cast is, the professor this time is boring, not even a professor really at least not like were used to. The champion is fine, but lacks any real charisma like the game wants you to believe he has. The other rival Bede is...under utilized? Like he comes around and it’s like, “finally! Gary Oak 2.0!” and he just sort of disappears about half way through the game and then pops up at the end. I’m not going to go through the whole cast, but everyone is more or less this same sort of doesn’t bring much to the table. As dumb as Team Yell are I actually like that they’re not the evil baddies of the game, they’re not even Team Skull level, they’re just kind of a bit of inconsiderate fanboys, they work well as a level progression block? System? Their use for impeding your progress until you’ve done the right thing works well is what I’m saying. The big thing with this game is it really lacks an evil team, it’s like The Aether Foundation all over again, except infinitely worse, while The Aether Foundation sort of slowly unravels at some point, the ‘evil team’ or in this case just two baddies, kind of feels like it comes completely out of left field and only happens because Gamefreak wanted a cool way to introduce the legendaries. It just felt super random and unsatisfying and that the motivations really didn’t make sense and happens right in the middle of the Pokemon League so it kills all momentum, and any tension the league did have. Which is another thing the league is shit, it’s bad, the idea is really good, it’s inspired by the show it feels like a proper tournament, but since you can heal and swap out Pokemon between each match there is 0 tension, and since the story just decides to interrupt it, it just doesn’t feel satisfying. Beating the champion doesn’t feel like an accomplishment because you’ve already beaten the big baddie just before him, and all the other trainers before him in two different sessions, it doesn’t feel like you went through this gauntlet of really tough trainers to reach him and prove yourself, it feels like no matter what you were always going to beat him, the game did literally everything it could to make sure you beat him! I felt fucking bad beating him, because it was so easy, I literally gave him a handicap, I used 0 healing items and beat him with two Pokemon to spare and that was also because I gave him another handicap where I didn’t switch out once I threw out a Pokemon! Gyms are back, but they kind of feel like they belong in Sun and Moon because you have to do ‘missions’ before each one before you face the leader which is fine, but I personally could have done without them, for the most part they're just glorified obstacle courses. I guess they feel like the same old stuff, but I think it’s the nature in which they’re handled that actually bother me and less of having to do them myself. I think in a way given how this Pokemon League is set up it would have made more sense to just completely do away with them, maybe put something else there in its place. The gym leaders are all really colorful and actually really well designed, they all have their own very defined personalities which is cool, It would have been cool to have actually seen more of them somehow. The last thing I’ll talk about as this review is already overly long is Dynamaxing. It’s fine, I will say that if it were up to me I would have changed how it’s handled, I think the raid battles are great, they’re really fun they make grinding for levels a fucking joke and I love it, it helps you find really cool Pokemon and strong Pokemon for your team it makes Online feel like there are actually other trainers out there in the world taking on this gym challenge besides just you, it’s cool, but I feel outside of the raids there really pointless. Each Gym Leader uses it always with their last Pokemon, and it never feels like it matters so long as you Dynamax yours at the same time and have type advantage it’ll feel like KO-ing any other old Pokemon except it’s big af.If it were me I would have changed it to Mega Evolutions, because they actually feel like they matter and then they could have introduced new megas and I’ll do you one even better! What about when after you beat the Gym leader they gave you the same kind of mega stone that they used! Maybe in place of TMs, or in conjunction with them rather than them giving you Gym uniforms you’re never going to wear. That’s more short and sweet two cents on the Dynamax system, it’s great for raids pointless for everything else. Kind of like the clothing in this game, and that’s all I’ll say about the clothing that and I think the uniform thing was dumb and should have only been used for the Pokemon League rather than every single Gym battle. And that’s it! That’s my very thorough review of Pokemon Sword & Shield. Like I said at the beginning, these games are fun no doubt, but they definitely aren’t even in the top 5. I think there’s a lot of wasted potential or cooler directions they could have taken these. There are definitely cool things like the different gyms for the two versions, The Wilds are fun to hang out in and run around, the new Pokemon are actually really cool, I love that they added more regional variants and not just for Kanto Pokemon, the towns are very visually memorable. But outside that, I’m kind of hard-pressed to think of much else, I can’t speak on the post-game either, but it doesn’t seem like there’s any if at all. This game simultaneously feels like the largest Pokemon game to date as well as one of the smallest.

#pokemon #bring back the national dex #gamefreaklied #pokemon sword and shield #review

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jxwritesss · 5 years

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I’m currently writing this on wattpad as well! @jxwritess

This is a Noen Eubanks fan fiction, I’m trying to spread my book around, pls share and help, it means a lot xx, my main platform is wattpad please read it on there if you find this and enjoy it!

New York. The only place in the entire world, where robots were being developed. Robots, that looked exactly like humans, and there being only one distinctive difference, a tattoo. One that said RA-H.

An RA-H. Robotic animated humans. These androids are helping the world as much as it is destroying it. They force people out of jobs, but in doing so create even better things then humans. Thousands of different political views, millions of haters and lovers. And then there's me.

Malia Blanche, 17, I lost my father, and I was the spitting image of my late mother. I only recently moved to LA, where my life was bombarded with these new androids, I get the concept of them, although I don't truly understand it.

Well, on with the story shall we?

-Chapter One.

Sunday, the day before I start college. A new life, a new story and a new beginning. I can finally pursue my dream of being a writer, just like my mother.

My mother attended John Brown college academy , her department was romance, mine, mystery, ever since I was a child I thrive for solving mysteries, actions, you know in the movies where there's a fight scene, and it goes slow motion and they throw the punch of victory, thats what ignites my fire, the thrive for doing good, but in a dangerous way, I could always figure out who was lying in a movie, or who the murderer was. Maybe I should be a detective, but my flow comes with writing.

Although I was attending my new school in a day, I lazily decided to stay in bed until half 10, I needed to be at Realsons&Co for 11:15, to get my uniform fitted. John Brown is a very pretentious academy, and I'd worked three jobs, and poured my heart and soul into getting here. Only the best attend the Academy. I don't necessarily fit into the 'my daddy got me in here' well, obviously. I quickly slipped on my jeans and jumper, and slid into my most prised possession. Although it had been pre-owned. The Audi was my mother's, she put her heart and soul into the car, and I will respect her decision and keep the car.

I take out my GPS although I already know where my fitting shop is, as I pass it a few times on the way to my grandma's.

Carefully parking in the visitor section I leave my car, and walk up the steps, and enter the shop, the bell above my head dings and an elderly woman pops her head up and immediately smiles at me.

"Are you Malia?" The woman asks putting her newspaper down and picking up a signing book.

"Yeah, I'm not too early am I?"

"Of course not, dear. I'm Molly, my grandson Will, he's in the back, he will measure you up if you need anything readjusting or if you can't find anything your size. John Brown, Deanford and Attenwood are in the back left." She says pointing in the direction.

I thank her, and mentally thank that the place is practically empty. I don't like small talk, thanks social anxiety.

Walking through the back I spot John Brown uniform. A black blazer with red linings, a short black skirt and a white blouse and a dark red tie. Not too childish but not suitable enough for adults.

At the corner of my eye I see a tall boy sat on his phone, his eyes flicker up for a second at me, then back down to his phone.

I continue my search to look for the right size for my uniform when I feel a pair of eyes on me, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I start to guess that the pair of eyes is Molly's grandson Will, I mentally scold myself for being so awkward and pretending not to know that he's watching, when I hear his chair scrape my heart decides to do an athlete course and I pray he can't hear it from where he's standing.

I can tell he's now behind me, as I face my social fears I turn around and slam right into his chest, and in result dropping all my stuff, Will snorts, before helping me by picking up some of the clothes that dropped.

"Thanks," I say, grabbing the clothes from his hand and attempting to walk past him, but his arms stop me.

"Was that sarcastic or not?" He asked smiling. I take a second to take in his looks, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would, but he doesn't act like a arrogant guy either.

"I'll let you figure that one out," I smile politely back, "I'm Will." He says moving his arm in a posh manner to let me through.

"I know, Molly told me," I answer, "I guess you know who I am?" "Yep, how could I ignore a pretty girl like you?" I mentally roll my eyes at the typical boy. "Mhm, well I need to get changed so excuse me" I say speed walking away from him, boys that make comments like that make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

As I turn the corner to the fitting rooms, I hear Will's voice once again, "I'm gay by the way," he says laughing, I stop in my tracks, suddenly feeling a bit stupid.

——

Checking that I haven't left any clothes behind, I pile them onto the counter, where Will is now standing, he starts to put all my clothes in an expensive looking plastic bag, he looks up at me, "Sorry about earlier, I was just messing about." "No, it's okay, I felt a bit silly when you said you were gay."

He shakes his head and laughs, "most people do, well the ones that aren't stuck up with money up their ass usually do." "Well I'm only here on a scholarship, so I'm not one of them people," I say handing him over the small fee I have to pay, as the scholarship covers most of it. "Surprisingly so am I, I got accepted for Athletics at John Brown," I never really though I would but I guess I should thank the Lord, my parents can't wait to get rid of me anyways, being gay has a price to pay, apparently."

"Well, they obviously don't see the good person that you are." I smile at him, although I wish he hadn't of brought it up, I'm not necessarily the best at giving advice.

The bell rings, and a tall, slim girl walks through.

"Tanner" she says walking through right into the back without a second glance.

"I understand what you mean by stuck up," I whisper, Will chuckles and passes me my bag, the girl walks back and stands behind me, not even two seconds later she starts tapping her foot and complaining.

"Since when do we serve nobodies, Will? That's right we don't. Now move, thanks." She says pushing right past me and throwing her uniform on the counter. Luckily it wasn't a John Brown one, otherwise I might've just about died.

I quietly wave at Will and walk out, seeing a shining white Porsche outside. Seriously where do you even get one that looks so shiny from?

I put the bag in the passenger seat, still feeling annoyed about the girl, as I reach my small flat, I lock my Audi, and read a movie poster about a girl going missing with her extremely ill dad. Making a mental note to watch the movie later, I walk up my stairs and unlock my door, I make myself a cup of tea and order some pizza, as I walk into my room, I open up my laptop, and have three new emails, one spam, but two from publishers. My heart does leaps as I open the first one.

'Telford Publishing'

- Hello Malia, we are proud to hear that you are following in your beloved mothers steps. I have read your book sample, but I would like to offer you a potential job, and a tour around the new T Pub&Co. I know how much it would mean to your mother if you accept my offer.

Many thanks, Gary.

A potential job?? Could this be my genuine big break? Hearing a knock at the door, I run over, wanting to start up a reply as soon as possible. Grabbing my purse I open my door to an RA-H

"Malia Blanche?"

"Yes, here's my ID." The robots light turns red as it examines my ID. Doing a robotical smile it's arm stretches out, grabbing the pizza I express a thank you and run back to my desk.

'T Pub&Co.'

Thank you for my sample! I will gladly accept your offer, please email with more detail about the tour and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. My mum would be so happy.

Sincerely, Malia.

As I send the email I let out a squeak of happiness with pizza in my mouth. Clicking onto my word pad, I let myself fall into the world of fiction, and let time slip through my hands.

——

And that's how it is now 3.36am on a Monday trying to start a new story, anything to take my mind off the upcoming day, and the extremely embarrassing 'Tanner' fiasco.

I push my chair back from my old, ridden desk, and flop onto my bed, snuggling into my bedsheets, this has been going on for a week, for some reason I have no flow, the biggest writers block, I have stories everywhere across my room, started, just the plot, a thesis, a blurb. But recently I haven't found anything to give me that push. I turn and toss in an unsucsessive attempt to sleep, and as I check my phone it is only 4 am.

Great, no sleep for the wicked.

——

Groggily, I turn over in my bed and look over to my clock, 6.07am. Throwing my bed covers over, I lazily get up and put on the uniform that luckily fits perfectly. Thinking about my email yesterday, there is nothing more that I want in the world then my writing to become known. Realising that I spend too much time daydreaming, and badly making pancakes, i'm late and have no time to see if I have a reply. Already. Typical Me.

Rushing out of my door, checking the contents of my bag to make sure that I have everything that I need I speed walk right into someone walking up my door, crashing everything they were holding onto the floor.

"God I'm sorry, I didn't mean too, wasnt looking where I was going." I look up and realise that, I wasn't even speaking to a human, but none other then an Android. It simply says, "No worries miss," and continues with its day. Those androids are the ones that Robert Morett himself created, word is that his son is attending John Brown. Although i'm here with a writing scholarship, I doubt he'd need any type of acceptance letter. He could just ask, he is one of the most richest people in America.

Pulling my keys out of my bag I speed walk towards my car, carefully throwing my bag in, and starting the Audi, before starting my drive I pull out my phone to the Maps app, although I used to drive past John Brown to get to school I still want to be prepared.

—

Pulling up at the academy, I notice a few eyes staring at the jet black Audi with the tinted windows, they're probably expected a drop dead gorgeous girl, or the sexiest guy

to walk out, but in all honesty I'm neither.

Turning off my car and stepping out the eyes are suddenly averted to another jet black car, most likely a gorgeous boy or girl in it.

My mind wavered at wondering whether I should stay and stare at the person in black, or be late to my lecture.

Achieving my dream comes first.

I promised my mother that I'd focus on my work, and not get distracted. I intend on keeping that promise.

#noeneubanks #lilhuddy #tiktok #eboy edit #wattpad #luvanthony

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realblackhelix · 7 years

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Ava Sharpe Theories

Okay so I’ve seen some Ava theories and I just wanna say some are like really really good theories and then some are just an impossibility if thought about logically and then some are just out right terrifying but most likely our rightfully just paranoia speaking from a long experience….

Warning for Heavy Possible Spoilers for the last theory.

Impossible Theories:

Let’s start here first so that we can all stop an unhealthy dose of worrying. (Let me put forth that if any of these ‘impossible theories’ come true I will eat my words, my phone and vanish into the dank, dark pit of oblivion.)

1. Ava is Mallus? Mollus? Mollusc?

This one is the least unlikely and I’ll give you the biggest reason why;

- Rip Hunter, the man who lost his career and ended up imprisoned because of his obsession with revealing the truth about the demon. There is no way, especially after last episode and Rip telling Gideon to delete the file on Ava, that Rip would keep Ava as Demon M a secret. None. Absolutely none. He’s sacrificed everything to stop Mr. M why would he keep Ava safe if she was them?

So stop panicking everyone about this because this is the least likely of all theories. There are quite a few more reasons why but if the one above doesn’t convince I don’t know what will.

2. Ava is related to Sara

Alright let’s just put the kibosh on this one right here. The CW is known for a lot of shit that I could cough and sneeze my way through but this would be low even for them and downright fucking creepy but if you need a legit reason why this is an impossibility;

- Arrow. Now I’ll be honest after returning to rewatch LoT I’m attempting to get back into watching Arrow’s original couple of seasons that help link it to LoT (which let me tell you is a ride and a half and nowhere near in the good way) but Arrow is legit the reason why Ava cannot be related. There isn’t even (as far as I’ve seen) a hint within that series that Sara or Laurel had another sibling half or not, so that would be completely and utterly out of the blue.

However if I did miss a hint that they did mention another sibling because let’s be honest I skipped through each episode almost, then please do tell me and I’ll give another reason in place of this one why they most definitely are not related.

Unlikely Theories:

Okay, now onto the unlikely theories, the theories that are not quite impossible but are a far cry from being possible.

1. Ava is Rip’s Daughter

Okay, to be honest this was one of the Theories I considered putting in the next category, one because I actually love this theory because of how uncanny their appearance actually is but I decided to put it here, why;

- Well it’s actually because of 3x12 ‘The Curse of the Earth Totem’ or ‘Avalance Day’, ‘Captain Jiwe Day’, ‘The Legends are actually children and so is Gary Day’, anyway, when Rip is speaking to Wally in his drunk state as you all should know he mentions his two protégés, Sara Lance and Ava Sharpe, now this for the theory is important for two reasons; one because he could’ve worded it any other way that wasn’t protege when speaking about Ava and two because he gives the same amount of emotion about being a disappointment to Sara as he is about being one too Ava something that would’ve been a lot different if Ava was his daughter, it would’ve had a more familial disappointment vibe but it honestly only sounded mentory and friendly disappointed.

As with the other theory points, if you wish to dispute this, I do have a couple of more arguments for why this is unlikely.

2. Ava was formerly Evil and was in some way responsible for Laurel’s death

Okay, woah, this one only tinged with a little bit of plausibility before I shut that plausible feeling down like Sara Lance shuts her feelings down (unless with Ava). The reason why this is unlikely;

- Other then the fact that this would literally, like literally be shitty story telling there is also the fact that there was that article about not tearing Sara and Ava apart but putting some tension there in their relationship. This to me would be a deal breaker for a lot of the fandom, Sara and the anti’s. Ava’s character would honestly find herself as some form of sacrificial lamb to the slaughter but with that said this is the CW and as we all know, they have been known for lying straight outright and twisting their words.

In all honesty though, I don’t have any other arguments for this, only the evidence that the show throws forth when, Sara finds out about the death of her sister and if that isn’t enough then I don’t know what will convince you people.

3. Ava will die (Permanently)

Okay, make sure you read this theory title thoroughly and accurately because it makes a big difference that last word, PERMANENTLY.

- If Ava is to die, it won’t be permanently, why because well honestly I think a lot of us would be brought up on arson charges for burning the CW to the ground but other then that honestly I see no point in them killing Ava this season. Not this late into the season and certainly not at such pivotal points. I mean I know it’s the CW but still I don’t think this is plausible for it to be perma death for Ava.

I know our trust is flimsy with the CW but honest to god I think they fear us after Lexa. There’s no way they can be that stupid and if it turns out they are I swear I’ll be the first to light the match. Now why is this in Unlikely then instead of Impossible, well much like a lot of you, my trust in CW is fragile.

Likely Theories:

Stepping forward into the territory of plausible theories we find ourself at likely theories ‘the not quite possible but the not quite impossible either as they have a ring of plausibility to them’. For this section I’m going to try to put forth a reason as to why and why not this theory is possible. Here we go.

1. Ava is Damien Darhks other daughter

Okay this one was originally put into the Impossible and then kind of shifted to Unlikely when I read a spoiler and now it’s shifted into Likely after reading darkandtwisty83 theories and them mentioning that in this theory Rip may have kidnapped Ava and had her raised by a foster Mum. Why is this likely;

- (Likely because) Because holy Toledo Batman (I can use it he’s DC) this theory makes sense if you look at the episode in which Rip is practically almost solely responsible for raising Damien Darhk from the dead. He doesn’t care as long as he reaches his end goal in the end. So hiding the fact that Ava is Damien Darhk’s other daughter from everyone including herself is not far reaching at all, like at all if in the end it serves with him reaching his end goal, which it definitely would. This also could work because Ava would have no clue and thus would only create angst for Avalance but wouldn’t be outright catastrophic.

- (Unlikely because) This would make no sense in the overall story arc because Ava and Damien Darhk haven’t even shared a screen in the same existence together, so this would be dropped from nowhere, like out of the left field and past some goats and maybe a cassowary. They would’ve had some interaction by now if the storyline was headed this way, even the smallest of interactions to give us a hint.

With that said let me drop one more thing into the midst of this theory that comes up multiple times for me when exploring what Ava’s secret that Rip is keeping could be: the second bit of backstory for Ava we get is her 15th birthday party for paintballing, cute, date worthy story but also family related story, I’m not sure if it means something but I feel like it does. I feel like whatever Rip is hiding has something to do with Ava’s life growing up or her familial background but not him being related. Also, if Gideon was responsible for the time loop experience Zari experienced in 3x11 “Here We Go Again”, in which everything was pulled from Gideon’s database, then technically Ava’s “tempted to change the past” moment when shes conversing with Sara in the jumpship is technically a hint from Gideon that something went down for Ava and most likely has to do with the file this thoroughly supports spoiler theory as well.

2. Ava dies (Temporarily)

Okay, like for #3 of Unlikely Theories, read the theory title thoroughly and make sure to understand that last word ‘TEMPORARILY’.

- (Likely because) Honestly this is plausible, it would serve as a catalyst for bringing Demon M, M&Ms, Malteaser, McDonald the farm and the fast food chain (okay I’m done) for bringing the Demon forth in Sara but could also serve as a catalyst for Sara fighting back against Mr. Demon. The build up for their relationship puts this in a prime place to happen.

- (Unlikely because) Well this is most likely because I feel CW knows it’s treading thin ice with Avalance already, I mean their articles hint that they are trying to tell us everything will work out fine for the time being (doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes) but truthfully they know, sink or swim when it comes to wlw on their channel and even a temporary death so close to Lexa’s death anniversary would earn them a thorough kick to the groin from all of us.

Now you may be asking why didn’t I put this in the next category or in a lower category, well because I’m still very much on the fence about this. My trust is broken in the CW but I also believe humanity cannot possibly be that stupid (don’t prove me wrong CW).

Possible Theories:

*badum-tsh* The one you most likely have been waiting for, this to me is the most likely of all theories to happen so without further ado lets get on with it;

1. Ava is an Android

Now to be honest I much preferred the post about imagining Ava as Bionic Woman because truth be told I bloody miss that show but this one has some interesting potential, why;

- The bloody title of 3x16 for one, I’ Ava. Like can they make it anymore obvious if they go this route. Also this would make a lot of sense in regards to how well she can fight against Sara Lance and few other bits and pieces I’ve picked up watching her along the way. Chances are if she’s an Android she either may not realise it or she is the greatest con-artist in the history of time with some ‘splaining to do.

I like this theory because it would give her a much bigger role to play for next season but at the same time we know most Android’s are formulated from a base or a real life person, if this turns out to be true, is there a normal, real blood and bone Ava out there and now with that being said we’ve never actually seen her bleed not even after that solid punch from Sara across her face.

2. Ava is an Anachronism

Alright this was one of those ones were I couldn’t decide where to put it but the drastic categories I could place it in where one of two - ‘Impossible or Possible’ that’s a drastic change from one or the other, so why here;

- Well because the season is based on Anachronisms and honestly if Demon M is attempting to escape using Anachronisms, then Ava is in prime position to be an undiscovered Anachronism but this also doesn’t work because how would she not know and don’t say mind wipe that doesn’t fit with being an Anachronism for Damien Darhk or Demon M or even the bloody Englishman with a trench coat (I’m talking Rip not Constantine) who is hiding a file on her, why would he if he would do anything to stop Mr. M. Now I have a lot of reasons for why this is impossible, well why is it in possible then, simply because in light of everything happening, this seems more in line with the direction the show is heading, it would tie up so many loose ends and can open up so many doors for Zari’s brother and Sara’s sister and other storylines as such for next season because if Ava can exist in a timeline in which she isn’t massively altering it even though she shouldn’t exist in it, then who is to say the Legends can’t find a way to do it themselves.

3. Something else entirely

Alright so this is perhaps the second most plausible theory. It’s possible we are letting our imaginations run wild and it’s something completely different and something we haven’t considered. I mean it may be glaringly obvious that we all groan and curse ourselves on how we didn’t see it or it may be something that leaves us thinking WTF?!?!?! just happened.

Anyway those are some of the biggest theories I’ve seen based on Ava if there are anymore that you want to talk about or be considered throw them my way or come talk to me about them even if it’s just the theories above. I love hearing what you all think.

4. ****SPOILER ALERT****SPOILER THEORY****

**A member of Ava’s family is killed by Sara Lance when she was in the LoA**

Now this one I wasn’t certain I was going to post because this also leads into a huge and possible spoiler so I decided on the above warning plus a little bit at the beginning of this post and if you didn’t follow those warnings then please don’t complain if you end up spoiled.

Now to be honest I haven’t seen any of the future episodes but a reliable source who has been wrong about few things and even then they just seemed to have gotten the wrong person, right words, right incidents and right conversations but wrong person was mentioned that something occurs in 3x15 that suggests the above theory. So why is this plausible;

- Simply because this could also be a catalyst for Sara. It’s possible that Ava went into meeting Sara with the intention to hate her and kill her but noticed that Sara was broken because of her past actions and also didn’t expect to fall in love with the woman (she is and she can’t deny it, I see you Director Sharpe). As for catalyst for Sara, this is a past she is trying to forgive herself for or seek forgiveness for, something that has been brought up a lot lately, so finding out that she killed the parent of someone she loves would push her into a dark place, prime pickings for Demon M.

- This could also explain Ava’s ability to spar on par with Sara. At such a young age, Ava could very much have spent her life learning skills to fight all in the name of revenge/justice for the death of a family member. Vengeance is a powerful motivator for a lot of things.

- And like before 3x11 “Here We Go Again”, Zari’s time loops were actually information and experiences taken from Gideon’s database. So let me tell you that whole ‘tempted to change that past thing’ Ava said in her conversation with Sara in the jumpship during that episode, was a hint. Gideon knows something is up and it’s most likely got all to do with the file.

Those who are saying b-b-but Ava’s age. Honestly, it’s a show about time travel peeps, I don’t know what more to tell you. There is obviously quite a few more reasons that make this perhaps the most likely theory out of the lot of them but I’ll keep those close to my chest until at least 3x15 when you all have seen the episode.

#legends of tomorrow theories #avalance theories #avalance #ava sharpe #sara lance #ava x sara #sara x ava

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The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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