#this scene is truly so fucking funny i cannot wait to smash it out

[we-return-in-waves]

📝

holly <3 your good omens au is gonna take my breath away. as a thank you for my faves, i'm dropping in a piece containing your faves ;) from one of my wipyho fics, The Grapes of Debauchery, since i DID technically start this last year!

emojis for the melodramatic, anyone?

Somewhere off to his left, both Tenten and Hyūga Neji argued in rapid, hissed whispers as they fought back-to-back with a group of four.

“I’m telling you, it’s a good idea!”

Gaara, let me out you little shit—

“It’s not, you’ll get both the enemy and us killed!”

Shut up, Shukaku.

“Neji, come on, you’ve never lost to him!”

We could take all these weaklings if you just let me take over.

“Tenten, we are not trying out an unpractised technique in the middle of—”

Tenten swore, something guttural in a slew of sharp syllables that didn’t match any of the languages Gaara knew but he needed no translation for. He really didn’t have time to focus on their conversation with a multitude of enemies surrounding them, but their volume had increased to the point it could no longer be ignored.

They’d shut up if you let me out, ya know.

Shukaku wasn’t helping his split concentration either, and he ultimately needed to sidestep a flying kick that bypassed his sand while trying to concentrate in four directions at once.

Unacceptable. A whirling scream of sand pulverised the unfortunate ronin with a nasty crunch.

Lee, a good thirty metres away from the loud conversation, knocked two enemies into trees with a loud cry of “Leaf Hurricane!” then turned and, with enough volume to freeze every person in the entire clearing—Gaara included—bellowed, “Tenten! There is no reason for such language!”

You’re fucking kidding me, right?

Lee had interesting priorities, that Shukaku and Gaara could agree on.

You’re the one who actively writes him letters. Dude.

“Oh, for the love of—” Tenten growled under her breath. “Is that what you care about right now!?”

Across the clearing, Kankurō cackled.

“What would Gai-sensei say about such foul words!?” Lee shouted back.

“What the fuck?” said one of Gaara’s opponents. Gaara had half a mind to agree with him.

“You know what?” Tenten said to Neji. “Fuck this.”

She then turned and bolted across the field.

[stars-and-rose]

emily’s notes on dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

so it took me an hour and a half to fulling watch the video because I ended up taking seven and a half pages of notes??? i might make a separate post analyzing the characters/the plot in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts, but we’ll see. with that out of the way, please note that these notes are in chronological order. spoilers under the keep reading

 seven warnings. seven freaking warnings. shit has hit the fan

why is Thomas ME in the mornings

wait no THOMAS BABY AHHHHHH

Virgil and Patton’s expressions when they first come in, oh god, Virgil looks absolutely done and Patton’s playing the ‘nothing is ever wrong’ game again 

ROMAN. THERE IS SOMETHING OFF WITH MY SON AND I’M NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES IN

Patton singing to himself is pretty cute not gonna lie

“secrets secrets are no fun, share with me or else we’re done.”-Roman is me yet again

also “i have yet to receive my invite to the pity party” Ro i can’t-

okay so it seems Virgil Patton and Thomas all know something and they don’t want Roman to know

not gonna lie, watching these three play cover-up is pretty damn funny and Ro is on to them

I AM ONLY 2 MINUTES AND 28 SECONDS INTO THIS AND I WANNA C R Y

Roman calling in Logan for back up? WHOOOOOOO we stan

AHHHH SOMETHING IS VERY W RON G

Logan gets one FALSEHOOD a day?

honestly can't tell if they’re trying to protect Roman or they don’t trust him rn and ahhh that hurts

I’M VERY CONFUSED

i feel like i’m witnessing the logince vs moxiety war

so everyone but Roman knows and everyone but Logan is desperate to keep it that way

???????

 NO ONE IS OKAY

they’re all coming for Ro’s role as the Extra side, huh? we’re hitting some extremes

“you all are acting fishy.” “so what, i’m acting fishy, sush- sue me.” “don’t pretend that wasn’t on purpose.” Roman and Virgil at their finest

why isn’t Roman allowed to know about Thomas’s intrusive thoughts???

“i’m going to prohibit your breathing if you keep this up.” Virgil NO

Virgil Patton what are you doing 

Roman is not going to fall for that distraction

wait no he did

i think everyone is a wee bit high

“have you ever imagined killing your brother”-HOLY SHIT SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN

OH MY GOD THE HANDS BEHIND RO AT 5:58 I JUST SCREAMED

THERE IS A CREEPY RAT MAN BEHIND THE TV

Patton covering his mouth and whispering out evil, and Virgil dropping into his tempest tongue when they see creepy rat man AAHHHHHHHHH

OH MY GOD HE HIT ROMAN HE HIT ROMAN WITH A MORNINGSTAR OH MY IS HE DEAD

“it’s the Duke.” thank you, Logan, BUT WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

The Duke is so freaking scary i can not-

state farm ad: everything in life is alright with state farm!

me, in hysterics only eight minutes in: nOtHiNg Is AlRiGhT

the Duke’s costume though... the clear elements from Roman but the inverted colors and the Duke feels gaudier

the Duke’s song is so creepy i can’t oh my god he'd been on screen for five minutes and he’s terrifying. The imagery, how dark everything is, how easily he moves around the other sides i’m chilled to the bone

did Roman call the duke bro??? um what???

also isn’t roman unconscious

I WANT MY ROMAN BACKKKKKKK

oh god what happened between Deceit and the Duke

the Duke is fucking terrifying. have i said that yet

i don’t wanna see the dark sides anymore! i’m good

that song is going to haunt me FOREVER

so the Duke is dark fantasies and corrupted creativity definitely Ro’s dark side

i no like

maybe the Duke was able to pop in because Roman’s been hurting recently????

HE JUST PULLED OFF HIS EARS OH GOD

Logan is the only one keeping himself together, i hope he can rationalize the Duke but i fear not

“you’re not creativity!”

“yeah! that’s the brave, handsome (Patton your gay is showing) unbeatable Roman!

*camera cuts to Ro still unconscious muttering about mashed potatoes*

Virgil looked so cute when he blew his bangs out of the way!

back to the angst

‘you’re scary’

*camera cuts to hurt/unimpressed Virgil*

ALSO THE DUKE IS NOT SCARY HE’S TERRIFYING 

everyone is pointing fingers ahahhahah

how quickly Patton believed Logan was actually Deceit OOF when the only evidence for this was based on the fact Logan didn’t agree with Patton/Virgil’s method of dealing with the Duke

Lo: *trying to logic through the situation*

Vee and Pat: please shut your mouth

Logan:*talks about how nothing is black and white*

Thomas: *points out the difference between Roman in white and the Duke in black*

which is an amazing visual for character!Thomas’s black and white thinking

and it’s also an amazing detail to contrast Roman and the Duke. i thought the contrast between Patton and Deceit's suits was cool in SvS, but this is another level

Roman is still unconscious on the floor. the Duke is standing over him. alright, trash rat bastard.

wow i can’t believe my favorite side has a twin brother that’s an actual rodent

holy shit Thomas is such an amazing actor i genuinely cannot handle it, applause applause applause

“Wow, I hate him.” YEAH ME TOO THOMAS

the entire side conversation between Logan and Patton regarding the cradle in the treetop is gold 

have i mentioned that the duke is disturbing yet? there is an EYEBALL on his shoulder

“...........maybe?” oh Patton bb you are trying but you’re not there yet

wow what happened between the Duke and Virgil, because the Duke really don’t like him

ROMAN YOU CAN G E T U P NOW

okay Virgil, that’s fine, break my heart

we’re still stuck on this “is Thomas a good person thing?”

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOGAN YOU GO SMART BABE

the flashback is just as creepy every time it plays gOD

well Vee got in an uncensored curse

Patton is shook

Virgil legit looks at him like,”you’re really hung up on THAT right now?”

“I’m about to smash the hulk!” what is happening.

“One of you is enough!” yes and I’d prefer Deceit right now!!

Deceit is a shit but he’s a shit with a cause

the Duke is just a rat

Patton is really playing the ignore all our problems card,huh

that didn’t work his arc why is he trying it again???

“this isn’t about me wanting to be listened too” SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TOO BLAME @ logan

Logan almost calling Virgil paranoid HURT

that brings me back to the whole “paranoviligant” scene from the Hogwarts video. both Ro and Lo have prevented themselves from calling Virgil paranoid, even though I feel like meaner things have been said. the word paranoid is significant then. 

also logan quickly fixing his mistake there damn i love him

Thomas pleading with Virgil and Patton hurt me so much AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“well that can’t be where the bar is” WHAT A PARALLEL

Logan’s speech on religious really hit me. 

i’m Catholic, but I’m also Pansexual.

watching an openly gay man talk about Religion freely made me feel really happy and accepted and i might have cried

also it was such a good way from Logan to make his point

the Duke really threw Patton and Virgil through a loop, huh

LOGAN IS THE BREADWINNER LISTEN TO HIM G O 

okay, theory time: the Duke gets more powerful the weaker Roman gets and vice versa. so to keep the Duke away, Ro needs to get himself in a better place to figuratively defeat the Duke. but how can he get to that better place when it seems everyone is against him?

“i said figuratively. and that is why i say it. THAT *clap* IS *clap* WHY *clap* I *clap* SAY *clap* IT *clap* Lo really went off there, you go you funky little nerd

also Logan claps to emphasize his points a lot and it’s cute

“despite his best efforts, Virgil's could never stop being the bad guy~!” OUCH

you can see the vivid hurt on Virgil’s face when Logan says that it’s his faiult, it looks like he was slapped

and Logan quickly adding “oh and uh Patton.” 

“rEcOrD sCrAtCh?” shut up stinky trash man

and Virgil’s shock that he isn’t the only problem, that isn’t not completely his fault?

and logan’s shock in realizing he isn’t the problem??

not like i needed a heart or anything

wow the Duke finally realized that Logan is going to smite him only took 25 minutes

he really just went off on Logan and Lo’s not even fazed

did the Duke just-

yeah he vored the deodorant

i can’t take this anymore

THE DUKE’S NAME

first of all, he just gave it anyway like it was nothing. the others gave thier names at key moments for them, and the Duke is like, yeah I’m Remus

also I SAW the little look he gave Virgil he’s not fooling me

wait is that why he gave his name so early? to spite Virgil? because Virgil hid his name for so long and such?

that’s it I’m voring the stinky trash bastard 

second, the significance of the name itself. i’m assuming Remus is named after the Remus in Roman mythology. You know, the twins Romulus (hint hint RO nudge nudge) and Remus, the founders of Rome, but in the end Romulus killed Remus and became the city’s namesake

based on the connection of the names, and hoping that Roman is the Romulus of this story, Ro will be able to ‘defeat’ Remus one day

DID LOGAN JUST BARE HIS TEETH AT REMUS

he did OH MY GOD

Roman, still unconscious on the floor, telling Remus to shut up and defending Lo? we stan (one) creativity twin 

well Remus just shuriikened Logan in the forehead

Logan simply falling for a brief moment then fixing the wound? he’s really a badass huh

Logan just summed up this entire shebang by saying,”if things one and two stop fearing the psycho asshole he’ll have no power.” alright Lo you go

LOGAN ALL THE WINS

Remus is really fucking dramatic huh, really seeing how he can be Roman’s twisted twin

really, Ro is chaotic good and Remus is straight up chaotic evil

“is he gone” you can’t be falling for that they’re ten minutes left on the episode

they fell for it

Virgil’s brutal honesty in listening off Thomas’s problems oof

“what if you sniffed your dogs butt?” Remus is getting a bit milder the more Logan talks him down, Lo is truly a king

“just shut up” WHOOOOO THOMAS

Patton and Virgil listening to Lo? GIVE ME AN AMEN

now we just need Ro to jump on the listening-to-Lo-express

 AND LOGAN SAYING “IT’S OKAY” AND COMFORTING THE OTHER THREE  AND BEING GENTLE WHOOOOOOO NO MORE OF THAT EMOTIONLESS BULLSHIT LOGAN WE KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT THEM

Logan’s speech on therapy? FANTASTIC, GIVE HIM AN AWARD

Patton admitting and realizing his over controlling methods and flaws??? we stan character development

VIRGIL JUST CALLED REMUS A COMMON COLD I CAN’T

but really, Virgil telling Remus off and calling him a pest not worth his time?? a king

“it was just like old times!” the look Patton and Logan share, they definitely are aware of Virgil’s past with the dark sides/ possibly being one and they are done with Vee being harassed

STINKY TRASH BASTARD IS GONE

ROMAN IS NOT DEAD

but his line, “I can see now why everyone was reluctant to tell me what was going on.” confused me

why didn’t the other warn Roman that Remus could be coming? it’s not like Roman didn’t know Remus existed (they are literally twins) and the other knew Remus existed so I'm not sure what all the secrecy was about. if the sides warned Ro, he could have been prepared, and you know, not unconscious for most of the video.

EVERYONE IS SO CONCERNED FOR RO AHHHHH

literally i might have screamed

i definitely did

when Roman used the same insult/nickname as Remus to Logan, how distraught he looked oh god

maybe that’s why Roman’s so much of a perfectionist,,, he’s so desperate to not be like Remus, Roman forces himself to be the exact opposite and it’s causing him pain

the little smiles everyone gives Lo at the end??? AHHHHHHHH

Thomas thanking logan and calling him Cool, and Logan just sinking out in response?????

SOFT SOFT SOFT

the entire like thirty seconds Roman and Remus share the screen, RO looks so uncomfortable 

there has to be something else that happened between them,not just they being exact opposites... not sure on what

it also seems like Logan is getting better but Roman is falling down the rabbit hole and getting even worse

the funhouse mirror metaphor HURT

Roman is really coming for Patton’s nothing-is-ever-wrong game huh?

also just noting the parallels between Roman and Remus, the hand gestures, even how they both sink out with the same BYEEEEEEEE!

Virgil babey don’t blame yourself-

holy shit Virgil just dropped the mic

really that scene broke my heart

it wasn’t the reveal itself, but damn the delivery

Virgil looks on the verge of tears,puts himself out there and telling Thomas that he was a dark side and being met by silence???

my HEART

Thomas is such an incredible actor i cannot-

side note, how did Thomas not know? i believe the other sides know (someone please ask me about this so i can rant) and Vee was never exactly sutble about it and Deceit and Remus both taunted him about the past??

is character!Thomas just that dense??

so it seems like Logan is doing better, Patton is decent for the moment, but Virgil and Roman are both struggling right now

it feels like Roman’s arc is very drawn out, so i feel like things are getting worse before they get better

as for Virgil, i REALLY want the next video to be about how the past doesn’t define you and end with the other comforting Vee.

dear G O D why is Remus eating deodorant??

also, i really want to know what is actually the deodorant

or is Thomas actually eating deodorant

SOMEONE PLEASE CALL POISON CONTROL-

[alkja]

Well, here we come: Endgame review (spoilers galore)

Endgame is essentially two different movies for me: the one up until the last three minutes and the one that includes those last three minutes.

The first is a decent movie – riddled with stupid crap, plot holes and the occasional nonsense, but on the whole acceptable.

The second is a waterfall of crap that makes me seethe in anger.

If you liked that ending, I seriously discourage you from keeping on reading. Otherwise, let us discuss the good, the bad, the wtf and the “How dare you?”

THE “DID YOU EVEN TRY THINKING ABOUT THIS” DIVISION

 Let’s start with the inevitable: time shenanigans equal inevitable fuckery. That is known.

The most egregious example being: Nebula kills her younger self and is apparently fine and dandy. What the shit? I don’t care if you killed her in 2023 (or whenever Endgame happens, I’m going with Infinity War happening in 2018 as released), if Nebula 2014 dies there is no Nebula 2015 and so on to eventually become Nebula 2023. Ergo, she should absolutely have died. Same with Thanos & Co. No matter where you do it, if you kill a past version of someone, there is no one to do the things they would have done in the future. Thanos 2014 dies, so there cannot be a Thanos from after that to do the Snap.

Which is not bad, go ahead and kill past versions of evil shits, but doing so changes the timeline. Period. Rodhey even proposed that and they had a long nerd out about why that would not be possible... and then they went and did that and pretended it didn’t count. That is so goddamn stupid.

Same with all the time travel.

I don’t care if you go and put the Infinity Stones back, because those stupid McGuffins are not the only thing that can mess the timeline. First of all, there is no one to use them anyway since Thanos died before he did the Snap, but we’re supposed to ignore that.

More to the point, in order to put the timeline to right, you have to put the Stones back after the future Avengers have stolen them. Fine, that puts them back in the timeline. However, that doesn’t erase the actions your slightly-past selves have taken trying to grab them. Which means, for example, that Loki fucking escaped with the Tesseract after Avengers 1, which is a MAJOR change.

Or, it should be. But apparently we’re supposed to ignore that because in the Dark World time Loki is in his cell, and wow. NO. If he escapes in Avengers 1 (with the Tesseract to boot), that leads to massive changes in Dark World and Ragnarok. For one thing, without the Tesseract, the Bifrost cannot be repaired. More essential to those plots, Loki should plainly not be there.

Putting the sceptre back also doesn’t erase the fact that Captain America said “Heil Hydra” to a Hydra agent (oh oh oh, such canny comic references!), who apparently never mentioned it again to anyone ever? Not even to his goddamn boss? So, did Sitwell legitimately think Steve was Hydra up until Winter Soldier? And yet come Winter Soldier he never thought to ask Steve “Wait, even if you’re not actually Hydra, you clearly knew about us for years, so why are you now so outraged like this is brand new information for you? Why did it take you this long to move against us and why are you doing it without much in the way of planning or allies? The hell did you do these past years?”

Hell, why did Sitwell – a prominent Hydra agent in SHIELD who would not raise any flags doing so – never approach Steve, Hydra agent to Hydra agent? No, he discovers that Captain America is apparently Hydra and just rolls with it. No “What the hell, sir?” call to Pierce, no secret handshake to Steve. For years. I can handwave him not saying anything to Rumlow and the rest of Strike, because if Steve is Hydra maintaining his deep cover with everyone is more important than anything (even if they were right there when he gave him the scepter, so what did he say to them?), but not mentioning it to Pierce? Cannot buy that. And not having any mention of that in Winter Soldier is pretty damn unbelievable.

The timeline was also changed by having future!Steve fight past!Steve. And no, it doesn’t matter that past!Steve thought it was Loki. It was still a change.

Not to mention, Loki could not have had a Peggy compass or known shit about Bucky, so it stands to reason it’s not Loki. So, what gives? What did past!Steve think it happened? Hell, come Winter Soldier what did he think about that time some guy who looked and fought like himself told him that Bucky was alive and lo and behold, here comes Buckaroo?

  In essence, the Avengers fucked the timeline without lube but we’re supposed to pretend they didn’t.

To me, that is shit.

Mess with time all you like, but acknowledge you’re doing so. Either your plan goes off without a hitch (as if!), or the moment where everything goes inevitably to hell and there are changes - and here we are talking about major changes - you say fuck it, pull out all the stops and change away.

[Ok, I admit it, by that I mostly mean: pull out all the stops, take 5 minutes to explain to your past self you come from the future and tell him to get his ass in gear because Hydra is literally running the government and SHIELD and most importantly Bucky has been frozen, tortured and brainwashed for about 70 years, so get to it, save Bucky Bear save the world, and smash Nazis like the fucking Hulk. May the fic gods, as ever, be kinder to me than the canon ones.]

This “pretend nothing has changed even while we change important stuff that should logically have repercussions” approach only works if you think your audience has the reasoning capabilities of concussed goldfishes. Tony’s last bout of genius solving time travel on the fly deserved better than this.

(Also, good luck trying to sell me on any future conflict stakes when our heroes now have the capabilities of fucking going back in time and change things, even if you don’t want to admit it.)

In the “this is so dumb and nonsensical and wow look at those strings” camp, we also have the two Nebulas being connected. That is so stupid and clearly only there for the sake of plot you can literally see the writers going “Uhm... how can we make it so past!Thanos knows what the heroes are doing? What if we make it so past!Nebula gets the memories of future!Nebula from a galaxy away? How? Why? Because!”

Riveting.

About as riveting as the Thor stuff. Here you can see the writers desperately wracking their brain wondering “But how are we gonna have dumb jokes in a serious movies? Where will we go for cheap, juvenile humor? I know! Let’s make Thor a drunk idiot with a beer belly! Oh oh oh, what could be more funny than a parade of fat jokes, we’re comedic geniuses!”

Yawn. Also, offensive much? But really, everything about Thor spits in the face of his three movies long character arc (which was all about responsibility): dudes, do you even know the characters you’re writing about?

Speaking of desperation: no Steve and Bucky reunion post UnSnapping? Seriously? We have Tony and Peter - who have known each other for 5 minutes - tearfully embrace but no scene between two characters who have known each other all their lives and have been through massive shit in those lives? Marvel execs, we know that every time Steve and Bucky shared a scene The Dreadful Spectre of The GAY appeared and made your blood pressure rise but this is ridiculous.

Which is also why you get no cookie for The First Gay Character in the franchise: an unnamed character in a single blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene, truly stellar representation. What made you believe this was a smart move?

  That said, there are some good things in this movie.

  THE “I DIDN’T NECESSARILY WANT THIS BUT I CAN ACCEPT YOU DID IT. ALSO, OUCH: MY HEART” DIVISION

First of all, Tony Stark.

Never thought I’d say that, because I’m the furthest thing from a Tony fan and spent all of Ultron and Civil War wanting to punch him. And Infinity War being indifferent to him.

But goddamn if I didn’t feel how goddamn much he adored Pepper and their daughter. Goddamn if I didn’t tear up at his heroic sacrifice, going out with the line that started it all (“I am Iron Man”- my heart), goddamn if I didn’t tear up at his goodbye with Pepper and then at his funeral.

For all his many, many faults – which I’m not gonna forget for a second – Tony went out exactly as he should be: a goddamn hero. With a heart big enough, strong enough to give himself up for everyone else even at the moment where he had everything he ever wished to have.

My hat’s off to him.

Never thought I’d ever say this, but I will miss him.

 Other MVPs of Endgame: Clint Motherfucking Barton and Natasha “Love is NOT for Children” Romanoff. I know: Natasha, sure, but who would ever have guessed that about Clint? Prior to Endgame, he was just sort of there, not helped by Ultron and his sudden family in a farm.

Endgame managed to make me care about the family I loathed. How? I don’t know, but I am totally down for a Clint + Kate Bishop + Lila show, where everyone is a badass archer and they are all codenamed Hawkeye just because! I am also totally down for Clint’s badass reinvention (after, I’m guessing, mainlining all 7 seasons of Arrow), no matter how heartbreaking the reason or questionable the style choices.

And that Clintasha scene was pretty much worth the whole movie to me.

Because, first of all, that’s how you solve a problem like the Soul Stone: a willing sacrifice. (Which, btw, makes even more disgusting the fact that we are supposed to see this as equally worthy to Thanos murdering his daughter).

Second, because I am a total sucker for characters fighting about who gets to sacrifice themselves. Clint and Natasha beating the crap out of each other just like in Avengers 1 (just one of many delightful callbacks that pepper the movie), this time because they love each other too much to let the other be the one to die is everything.

Third, because it’s just a really good scene, based on one of the better relationships in the MCU. Even those not shipping Clintasha have no doubt that those two are extremely important to one another, and Renner and Johannson acted the hell out of it - just as they did every scene together, from their reunion post-yakuza slaughter, to the giddiness of flying a spaceship. I teared up like a baby at Nat’s sacrifice and I was right there with Clint hoping for a loophole that made it so we could get Nat back and was heartbroken anew when that did not come to pass.

But, again, the Black Widow went out just like she should have: a true hero, loving, strong and unafraid. The red in her ledger was wiped out once and for all.

  The “Feels” subdivision

 Scott Lang was an integral part of the solution. I mean, never before have we heard about time passing differently in the quantum realm – and in fact Janet Van Dyne aged the 30 years she spent in it, so more plot service crap – but who cares! Still, his desperate checking to see if his daughter was among the Snapped only to find his own name and running like hell to get to Cassie only to be suddenly confronted with a teenager and realizing he missed those 5 years with her and not caring because she was still there was absolutely perfect.

Speaking of families: I have already said it but Tony and Pepper and little Morgan were amazing.

Also, Thor and Frigga! Frigga was an egregious fridging to start with, so it was lovely seeing her again, but especially giving her a wonderful scene with her son that shows her intelligence and strength and exactly why she was Queen of Asgard. Not to mention being the one to restore Thor’s confidence and absolving him of his failures. Sometimes you just really, really need your mom. (Too bad about that stupid salad joke.)

Natasha and Steve. Just... Natasha and Steve being badly messed up by those 5 years post-Snap and yet being so supportive and understanding of each other. Really, after Winter Soldier, this was the best Natasha movie. And rightly so.

In general, the Avengers being not just a team but also friends, fucking finally. Sure, there is the whole “found family-baited” post going around, but memes aside, it is true that we never got to see those people acting like friends and not merely co-workers. Was that so difficult to do before the very last moment?

  THE “IN HERE FOR THE HOLY SHIT QUOTIENT” DIVISION

 A small but admirable moment for a villain that was otherwise pretty underwhelming no matter how much they tried passing him off as deep: Thanos having the smarts and the metaphorical stones to goddamn destroy the Infinity Stones. Better to accept never using them himself again than run the risk of someone stealing them and undo his work. He may be evil and incapable of properly understanding the concept of proportions (that whole: if you destroy half of the resources along with half of the people using said resources, you are just as screwed as before), but the guy is smart.

Carol was as amazing as she could be in a movie that by design could not be about her kicking Thanos’s ass up and down the whole galaxy but was necessarily the Last Hooray  of the Old Guard. Her face seeing Fury among the Snapped, her entrance and towing a fucking spaceship, her pointing out that while the Avengers have been watching (with mixed results) over a single planet she was watching over a lot of them (likely with better results), her second entrance, her goddamn everything. Not as good as her solo movie but what could ever be?

Speaking of ladies, Valkyrie becoming a Literal Queen warms my heart. I have some doubts about Thor just up and leaving what remains of his people, even after everything (read: I don’t buy it, just like I don’t buy anything about Thor in this movie), but considering Heimdall is not around anymore, we can all agree he left them in excellent, badass hands. I want more.

Switching to metaphorical Valkyries... It was a fanservice-y, mostly unearned scene in a series that has historically been pretty low in female friendships or relationships, but goddamn if the optics of all the badass ladies of the MCU banding together weren’t made of FUCKYEAH! Give us a ladies-led movie, Marvel, you fucking cowards: DC is giving us the Birds of Prey (and Harley Quinn), what’s your excuse?

In that vein: Pepper donning an Iron Man armor! Basically everything I ever hoped for, so much so that for a moment I legitimately thought I had imagined it. Now that Tony is gone, let Pepper step up as Rescue or Iron Maiden or whatever, get her to mentor a bright intern named Riri Williams and we’re set to go for maximum awesomeness.

Still, when talking about maximum awesomeness: CAP. WIELDING. MJOLNIR. We Italians don’t have the habit of reacting to movies out loud at the theatre, but you could hear the current of FUCKYEAH!!! coming from all the nerds in the room, and rightly so. Cap fighting with the shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other was everything every superhero fan could ever have wished for in a movie distilled into the Crowning Moment of Awesome to top all CMOAs. (Too bad this gets incredibly undermined by that ending beacuse I refuse to believe that that guy could be worthy of a fucking shoehorn, much less Mjolnir.)

Thor dual-wielding Mjolnir and Stormbreaker deserves a mention too.

(This as long as we forget Mjolnir being taken away to the future at the start of Dark World makes gaping holes in Ultron e Ragnarok, because past!Thor wouldn’t have it anymore, but whatever LALALALALA what time logic?)

But the moment that threatened to bring down the house in cheers was the sight of all the Unsnapped returning followed by - finally - the call: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! Every single person visibly restrained themselves from punching the air and shouting along. I think we all regret not doing so, dignity be damned.

   So, leaving aside the truck-sized plot holes that are practically a given once you decide to muck around with time travel and the occasional plot-over-character-or-sense stupidity, all in all we have a rather solid movie full of badass moments and with occasionally meaningful emotional beats.

Not my favorite by a long shot, but a mostly fitting end to an insane project no one ever thought could possibly be achieved that ended up sweeping the world and fandom.

Too bad those last five minutes arrive to shit all over that, and incidentally all over a beloved character.

   THE “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU GODDAMNED HACKS” DIVISION

 Steve – I must suppose SERIOUSLY concussed during the battle to the point of brain damage beyond the repairing capabilities of the superserum – returns the Infinity Stones to the past and, while he’s at it, decides to abscond in the same past to live his life with Peggy, only returning as an old man to pass the shield to Sam.

Awwwwwwwwww... Steve and Peggy living their life together, so heartwarming...

Yeah, except once you think about it, then you want to use that shield to fucking brain the skrull that must be impersonating Steve Rogers.

Because, in order to buy this story, we have to believe that Steve “I don’t like bullies” Rogers, Steve “If I see a situation pointed south, I can't ignore it” Rogers, Steve “On va voir” Rogers, Steve “I can do this all day” Rogers deliberately chose to spend the rest of his fucking life doing exactly nothing, otherwise the timeline would have been SERIOUSLY rebooted.

A life of inaction, hiding the fact of his existence.

Sure, that totally sounds like the Steve Rogers we have been watching up until this point.

Instead of an ending about moving forward no matter what life throws at you, we got one about happiness being literally going backwards.

Because that’s a totally healthy message.

Hell, you decide to go the retirement route, I don’t even necessarily disagree with it. If, after all the trauma of Infinity War + the five years interlude + the shitstorm of Endgame, Steve decided to lay aside the shield for a while and try to make an actual, functional life for himself I would have been all for it. If nothing else, the guy could make do with a lot of therapy. Most crucially, not being Captain America would not mean quitting the fight: he could do just as much good as an artist, a politician, an opinion leader, an activist or what have you. All that is not gonna be possible in the past, because to mantain the timeline he cannot become anyone relevant in any way. Especially since he knows Hydra is still around and attracting notice would mean risking some of that attention coming from them. So no, absconding to the past means by necessity a life not fighting in any way, not doing anything of any particular importance whatsoever.

This is completely antithetical to everything that Steve Rogers, as he was shown up until now, stands for.

And we have yet to touch the morality of it all, or the lack thereof.

Lest I get accused of being a bitter Stucky shipper whose slash goggles cannot make her appreciate a Steggy ending, let me point out that I ship Steggy as much as Stucky and if anything I am a bitter Peggy Carter fangirl: Our Kick-Ass Lady of the No Holds Barred Beatdown unquestionably deserves better than this crap.

By which, I’m not even talking about how this ending shits all over the closure we got before and the entirety of the Agent Carter run, which both show that while Peggy unquestionably loved Steve, she mourned him for a while and then, as healthy people do, moved on to have a perfectly fulfilling life with a rewarding job and eventually a new love and family. I’m not even talking about how this takes her back the “Steve Rogers’ Love Interest” route, Betty Carver-style, instead of letting her be her own woman with her own story that may have started alongside Steve Rogers but then developed on her own terms. I’m not talking about how she was rewinded from a character in her own right to a “hero’s” prize.

I’m talking about how this supposed happy ending to slow dancing and snuggling is based on either Peggy being apparently also brain damaged to the point that, upon hearing that the organization she’s busting her ass to run is a Nazi cesspool, just rolls with it - which, I think we can all agree, is definitely not something our Agent Carter would ever in a million years do -  or Steve merrily electing to spend something like 50 years lying like a motherfucker to the supposed love of his life about how the organization she’s busting her ass to run is a Nazi cesspool. True love, everyone!

Fuck you: Peggy Carter fucking deserved better than this.

This also leaving aside the fact that, in this happy ending, Steve knows that while he’s squirreled away in the woods dancing and doing decoupage, his supposed best friend is getting tortured to the point of complete dehumanization. But whatever, he’ll eventually be fine, no use doing anything about it. Oh, JFK got murdered? Nice shot, Buck! Oh, there goes Howard, a smooth operation, buddy: hope the brain-frying won’t be too bad, just hang on until 2014.

End of the line my goddamn ass.

Oh, and since no-one’s memories are rewritten, Bucky also conceivably knows all this. He knows that his supposed best friend voluntarily spent his life doing squat to save him.

Fuck you: Bucky Barnes fucking deserved better than this.

SO, TO RECAP: Steve Rogers is a selfish ass who chose a life of inaction, Peggy Carter is either his accomplice or a dupe and Bucky Barnes lost his best friend all over again. Coherent characterization got sacrificed for a theoretical feel-good moment that doesn’t stand up to the most cursory examination before being revealed as sheer horrifying fuckery.

Sure, Sam gets to be the new Captain America (which, don’t get me wrong: he totally deserves it and at this point he’s more worthy of it than the original), but that’s literally the only good thing in a mountain of shit dumped over characters that deserved much better.

I get that Evans wanted out, but there are ways to do it and then there are ways. Tony went out like a goddamn hero. So did Natasha.

Steve went out quitting - aka the one and only thing Steve Rogers would never ever do - and in addition what can only be called a bastard who shrugged off his best friend’s decades-long torture and quite likely spent his life lying to the woman he loves.

Fuck you: Steve Rogers fucking deserved better than this.

If there could be a worse impression to leave bowing out than this one, I’m honestly unable to imagine it (Well, beside making Steve Hydra for real: but considering that he spent his live blithely pretending they were not still around murdering, torturing and so on, that makes him a collaborationist at best and WOW, at this point it’s kinda splitting hairs, isn’t it?).

Coming into Endgame, I knew this was gonna be Cap’s last waltz and after spending years as a Steve Rogers fan I was dreading watching him die. Now, I wish he could have gone out with the heroism and dignity of Tony or Natasha instead of... whatever this was. I could have mourned him while celebrating him, instead of mourning what he used to be while despising what he was made to become.

This Steve Rogers fan, who spent years loving him while being annoyed and occasionally enraged by Tony Stark, left the theatre feeling deeply moved by Tony and quite honestly hating the guts of whatever was left of Steve. If someone told me this would happen I wouldn’t have believed them and yet here we are.

 Personally, in order to actually enjoy the movie and especially to be able to retain any fondness whatsoever for one of my most beloved characters, those last five minutes are gonna join the entirety of Age of Ultron in the realm of “I recognise Marvel Studios have made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it”.

As far as I’m concerned, Endgame ended with Tony Stark’s funeral. A fitting tribute to the fallen hero who started it all, to the road that took us to this moment and all those characters who travelled it with us.

To the end of an era and hope for the next one.

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 2

Last time, on Symphogear!

An adorable little girl, stood up by her date for a reasonable explanation, jams it out with her favorite pop duo, caught unawares that they are also a monster-fighting syndicate experimenting with the power of sound (the power to make you dizzy) to activate an ancient historical relic. Shit goes south as the jams prove to be too powerful, guaranteeing tragedy amidst an otherwise baller concert. Hibiki is rescued by The Bigger Of The Lesbians before she self-destructs to make sure the entire threat is neutralized, leaving The Smaller Lesbian sad, yet still incredibly gay. Years pass as our protagonist goes to Music School, for Music, to bunk it up with her girlfriend as she tries to figure out what the hell happened. Her prayers are answered when she tries to rescue a little girl and is promptly cornered, activating the same outfit The Bigger Lesbian that saved her had on. Gungnir Dattos all around, The Smaller Lesbian loses her shit as everything goes downhill from there.

Now, where were we?

...right. The piss beacon.

And the person taking the piss.

Hibiki has nary a clue what to do. Symphogears don’t actually come with manuals, you see. They’re sort of a “close your eyes and wing it” kind of experience. In Tsubasa’s case, it’s quite literal.

“FUCK that was COOL AS SHIT, tight as FUCKING HELL”

Take pity on this face. This is the face of someone who’s last memories will be a confused lady wondering why she is suddenly part machine.

“imma save you widdle kid”

Something to note about this show is that all the fighters sing while fighting. Hibiki is no exception, even after being confused about what the hell she’s doing. It helps that her voice actress is a professional singer.

It helps that every voice actress here is some sort of professional singer.

This picture basically summarizes why Hibiki is cool despite being so goddamned dumb. She’s angry, and she’s gonna protect some kids even if she dies doing it. Kanade would be proud, if she wasn’t too busy being dead.

No shit!

Have you ever watched the original Sam Reimi’s Spiderman? Like, the very first one? You know all those awkward scenes about Spiderman learning how his powers work? Hibiki basically does that under crunch time. There’s a long segment about how she’s forced to figure things out while protecting a kid and Not Dying.

It’s going pretty great.

I can’t believe she’s secretly Steve Urkel.

“cannot FUCKING believe that girl my girlfriend saved managed to GET HER HANDS on her FUCKING CLOTHES that I WANTED to ENSHRINE IN A MEMORIAL to her how the FUCK did she do that cant BELIEVE i have to SAVE HER IDIOT ASS because she just CANT EVEN DO THAT-”

Tsubasa, preparing herself as a contender for the World’s Angriest Lesbian, barrels through the Noise in her motorcycle...

...which she smashes directly into the Noise. It does nothing.

Tsubasa has many a motorcycle to smash. It’s a testament to her dedication following her aesthetic.

She fueled the tank completely before smashing it in.

Tsubasa... is petty.

As Tsubasa t-poses to assert dominance (a woman ahead of her time, this first aired in 2012), she comes down ready to kick some ass and vent some frustrations. And frankly? She’s all out of ass.

“oh my god she’s even hotter up close i cant believe it”

“fucking knock-off outfit looks like it came out of a bootleg flea market”

You don’t need to know what happens next, because you already know what happens when someone shows up with a fucking sword ready to sing about their dead girlfriend and the conflicting feelings about seeing her armor pop up again on someone else.

Murder.

Lots... and lots... of murder.

“we’re so fucking useless why do we even exist”

After Tsubasa finishes what could only be described as a massacre, we’re treated to how people clean up the aftermath.

“hey, you know, make fun of me all you want, but at the end of the day, im the one holding the vacuum cleaner, and you’re literally turned to dust, so”

Even this little girl knows shit’s about the go down. Got the tea and everything.

This is one of the minor characters of the series. She works for the 2nd Division. Who is the 2nd Division? You’ll find out soon.

“i didnt die! fuck yeah. today’s a good day.”

“OH WAIT NO-”

Hibiki learns that her outfit unsets after a while, like bideo game. Who catches her mid-fall?

Her new best friend, of course. Don’t be fooled by this look. Tsubasa tragically suffers from resting angry face syndrome. It is, unfortunately, incurable.

“i hate how cute she is”

Hibiki reminds her that this is technically the second time Tsubasa has saved her, which in the large scheme of things, seems incredibly innocuous for someone who escaped a major tragedy many years ago. Unfortunately, time doesn’t move forward for Season 1 Tsubasa. Not for quite a while...

The funny part is it doesn’t even hit her initially. She never actually saw Hibiki personally during that moment, so she actually doesn’t even have a clue what she means.

Look at her. Look at this clown. How could you hate her. Look at that smile.

All the survivors are always forced to write NDAs about what they saw. This grows to comical levels at times, given the scale of what happens eventually. It might as well be the world’s biggest open secret by now.

“aight homies looks like i gotta go home, the wife’s gonna be lonely an-”

Oh.

“sorry holmes but you’re going to gay baby jail like the rest of us singers”

Hibiki’s face is riddled with guilt. The guilt of someone who just saved a little girl. How dare you, Hibiki. This is what you get for doing The Right Thing.

And so she’s taken to “jail.”

“sorry pal but you literally turned into a huge weapon and you have no idea how to use it so!”

And so, Hibiki was never seen again...

Alright, so she really isn’t going to jail. She is genuinely being taken into custody, though. To be honest, this kind of handcuff procedure is sort-of ridiculous for someone who literally just saved children, and you could probably bribe her to join them with a 10 piece chicken dinner, but hey, fuck it. 2nd Division has protocols, and that is to arrest people.

“i cant believe i was a fan of a narc all this time”

The school has a giant elevator that goes deep into the Earth. Also, look at that symbolism. Hibiki’s the only one looking at her own reflection. Deep.

Thanks, Tsubasa.

The interior decorator for this elevator is wild.

Tsubasa forbodes where they’re all going as some ominous, strange, and evil place where joy and happiness die. Where good feelings and innocence are destroyed, and hope is crushed and ripped at the seams.

As it turns out, Tsubasa is just an angsty piece of shit.

So here’s the situation:

The 2nd Branch, which are the people in charge of poking relics until they glow with the power of music to study and harness the power of as weapons to kill the Noise, live in a several mile deep high tech basement of an all girl’s boarding school dedicated to music. This is because, for the record, that the girls recruited to this school have the habit of being a little bit attuned to these relics. Hibiki, a newly christened Gear user, is now being recruited into this organized by Genjuro.

“i never got this kind of party when i was recruited”

“thats because nobody liked you, hans”

“im skipping my soaps for this”

“fucking hate my twin brother hans”

“she?????? gets a party??? SHE. gets a party. I DON’T GET A PARTY. SHE... GETS A PARTY? and i dont get a fucking party. i was literally BORN into this job. NOBODY gives me a damn party. this MORON who CLOWNS AROUND with her SUBPAR SONGS. gets a party. oh my god. oh my GOD. FUCK. FUCK!”

“if this is what its like to get arrested i gotta be gayer and do more crimes”

“I’m not actually surprised. I’m just pretending to be. I’m just really not good at pretending to be surprised.”

“fucking hate this family, im gonna eat all of hibikis cake and cry in my room”

Remember: This show first released in 2012. Ryoko? Trendsetter.

Ryoko’s screen is very dirty and foggy. Don’t ask why. Don’t even remember why I pointed this out. Just forget this point completely.

Hibiki understands that handcuffs just aren’t fashionable.

Genjuro casually explains that they’re the fictional japanese equivalent of the NSA, all while doing magic tricks. Truly a man of many talents.

Tsubasa is already plotting how to vent about all this in her diary, which she addresses as letters of Kanade every time she writes in it.

Genjuro and Ryoko introduces themselves as everyone else apologizes to her, except Tsubasa.

Ogawa also intro- yes, I’m recycling a picture- introduces himself. He’s pretty cool, too, and serves as Tsubasa’s ninja bodyguard, butler, and all around mentor. We never get a backstory on him, and likely never will. It’s best to keep it that way; it only adds to the mystery of who the hell this guy is.

“weird flex but okay”

Hibiki realizes she’s being recruited, after being told she’s being recruited. Given some brain cells remain in her head, she asks the obvious and wonders what the hell happened to her.

“ryoko, care to explain?”

“well, it’s simple. you’re the protagonist now.”

Ryoko, who has no sense of boundaries, subjects Hibiki to a medical inspection. As creepy as her tone is, its to inspect the state of Hibiki’s newly formed gear.

She’s finally freed from that long winded event and returns home to her wife.

“buddy you smell like shit. and french fries.”

“hibiki. you’re not dead, hibiki. come on, get up. i just cleaned this floor, hibiki. hibiki, please. this is genuinely unbecoming of you. hibiki, oh my god.”

“miku please i learned how to kick ass and im tired and please let me enjoy this nice floor”

Tsubasa does the thing real life Symphogear and all related products never actually bother to do.

“god she’s so gay for her but i know she’d never cheat on me so”

Hibiki ruminates on the day she’s had. This is where the really dumb angst comes in. You see, Hibiki can’t tell anyone about what happened, and Miku, now a civilian in her eyes, cannot know about her alter ego Symphogear antics. Hibiki feels bad about this.

“y u no trust me. y u no tell me troof. im wife.”

After a brief heart to heart Hibiki smiles and snuggles her girlfriend.

They’re gay.

“im gonna marry her knowing full well she’ll sleep through the ceremony. god.”

[narashikari]

Watched Build Final Live during a slow day of work...

So no screenshots, but thoughts, emotions and feeeeels:

• Seriously why the eff is Evolt so effing hard to kill

• I hate him so much guys. Like. So much

• Lost Bottle quest again... though this time it’s just defeating the resurrected Lost Smash without the emotional trauma of the one in the show

• Most morbid audience participation ever... thanks Toei for making all of us dead

• Most morbid (again) Rider comeback ever: They’re There Because They’re Dead!

• Kazumin heard Misora call him Kazumin... and he was so happy... it would’ve sweet if he wasn’t so creepy about it

• Kazumin’s entire monologue I cannot... thank you Kouhei Takeda for somehow managing to record that without completely ruining it

• Misora’s still tsun tsun for Kazumin even after all that though which is even more hilarious

• YES CROSS Z CHARGE IS BACK!! (I like ok #dontjudge)

• Robo Utsumi... Pfffft

• UTSUMIN... OH MY GOD HE IS ADORKABLE.... RYUUGA DON’T LEAVE THE DORK BEHIND~

• Oh they subbed the lyrics to the insert songs too... Nice nice. It’s already rare to get subs for live shows but they went the extra mile for this too

• The banter between the Riders loool

• Utsumin still being ok with dying for Nanba is disturbing but he’s kinda still kinda crazy at this point I guess so ok

• The theory that Sento will cease to exist when the new world is created... everyone is just accepting it numbly except Ryuuga who is sulking and clearly refusing to even think of it

• Sento saying “us Riders” and including Utsumi... so pure...

• FINAL FORMS GALORE. MadRogue+ Prime Rogue+ Grease Blizzard+ Cross-Z Magma+ Build Genius

• HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE BEAUTY OF BUILD GENIUS. FUCK YOU TO HELL EVOLT

• (I was almost screaming at the screen while watching at work, no joke... my boss who sits across from me is 🤨❓)

• The obligatory audience cheer of “Ganbare!!” lead by Sawa and Misora...

• Cross-ZBuild! Be the One! Yeeeeeeah! Aka the “wedding” that this time everyone gets to attend

• Be the One’s second verse is being played?! Le gasp!!

• “Sento and I are the Best Match!” PARASOLS... THE PARASOLS... “LOVE AND PEACE FINISH!!”

• THE RYUSEN IS SO STRONG IN THIS ONE...

• Everyone’s goodbyes to Sento as they leave for the new world...

• Utsumin saying his new humanity is one of Sento’s miracles and promising to invent something just as great as Sento’s inventions

• Gentoku managing to somehow be sincere with a goofy T-shirt print... (“39” ➡️ “san-kyu” ➡️ “thank you”) d’aaaaaaaw

• Sawa’s “Thank you for giving me a family”... damnit watching this at the office was not a good idea

• Kazumin... saying he became a true Kamen Rider because of Sento... KAZUMI!!!! Also I truly wonder if that side poke was an adlib on Kouhei’s part to mess with Acchan

• Misora’s “I will never forget about Kiryuu Sento...” Then remember the finale where she says “Have we met before?” DAMN YOU SHOGO MUTO

• (I mean she does remember by Build New World and HeiGen Forever BUT STILL)

• Sento being an awkward bun with the girls... so adorable, yet so sad... (also Acchan seriously needs to eat more, his arms are so thin)

• Be the One instrumental playing over the farewells... growing quieter and quieter as they leave... until it’s just Sento and Ryuuga left on stage with complete silence

• Ryuuga’s whole speech to Sento. Calling him out on his BS. Screw destiny. “I will find you again, no matter what.” Whoever says Banjou Ryuuga is not a romantic needs to have this scene played over and over to them till their eyes bleed

• Let me emphasize: The stuff of legends. A love story for the centuries. The Once Upon A Time reference/parasol killed me, resurrected me, and ascended me into OTP heaven. HEATED DRAMA BETWEEN MEN...

• “To me, the law of victory was to have met everyone.” Why does it feel like it was Acchan saying that to us all?

• ACCHAN!!!! I LOVE YOU NOW AND FOREVER

• Then Ryuuga’s door doesn’t open looool.

• A “recreation” of the final scene... honestly I don’t think it was an impactful as then because we already saw it and was expecting it... though the end bit is pretty funny

• Ryuuga. Don’t talk about peeing while on stage.

• Wait... if Ryuuga co-created the universe with Sento... should we call him Dragon Jesus now?

• Does this mean he and Sento are consorts like many creation gods (Izanami and Izanagi, Gaia and Ouranous, Kouta and Mai, etc)?

• Btw I hope GemnCorp also subs the talk show. I think we’ll get a lot of gems out of that one (see what I did there)

• I kinda wish we got the cast saying goodbye to each other and not just to Sento....

• Like... Kazumin admitting that it was because of them he regretted dying... or Utsumi and Sawa saying goodbye as “siblings”...

[thisislizheather]

September Shenanigans 2020

The leaves are starting to fall, the colder winds are coming, the pumpkins are starting to appear and I’ve never wanted an October more than I do right now. This time of year stirs up so much inside of me, I can barely breathe. However you enjoy this season, I hope you take some time to bask in these autumn days that are typically so fleeting. Here’s what went down last month.

I recapped what happened off of my summer list.

I made an autumn list of things that I’d like to do this season.

I cannot stop playing this John Legend song on repeat. Especially in recent days.

Some other songs I have on repeat: Never Let Me Go by Alok & Bruno Martini & Zeeba, Savage Love by Jawsh 685 & Jason Derulo and that old Sarah McLachlan song Ice Cream for some reason.

Absolutely in love with the limited edition apple pie flavoured Kit Kats. Unreal.

I made these pumpkin pie overnight oats and they were a big hit. Great autumn breakfast idea.

I ate at Buvette and their snails were definitely the highlight.

I saw the movie The Car and it was phenomenal. You have to see it. The dialogue is atrocious, but a young, smokeshow James Brolin? Christ, he can get it. It’s a perfect bad movie.

I went to Gramercy Tavern and of course that place never disappoints. The service, the food, everything is impeccable. Some photos below.

Above Photo: Of course they have their own sanitizer

Above Photo: The Harvest Daiquiri with Frozen El Dorado 8 yr Rum, Green Chartreuse, Caradonna Farms Apple Cider, Lime

Above Photo: Chilled Corn Soup with Pickled Cauliflower, Beets, Avocado

Above Photo: Campanelle Bolognese with Kale, Basil, Pecorino

Above Photo: Tavern Bacon & Cheddar Burger with Smoked Onion Sauce, Duck Fat Potato Chips

Something new: did you know that Sephora has in-store rewards available that are different from the rewards shown on their website? Something to check out near the front cashier the next time you’re in a Sephora.

New favourite potato chips: Torres Selecta Black Truffle.

I bought the Mario Badescu Drying Lotion again because it’s such a great product for calming down acne and one bottle lasts at least six months or so.

A great piece about the arts scene in New York City right now.

I rarely listen to podcasts, but I listened to the Conan O’Brien episode of the Michelle Obama podcast and it was great. The episode is about marriage and I liked it so much because I love hearing about how couples first met and fell for one another.

With SNL returning this weekend, I rewatched one of my favourite sketches in recent memory.

As with every other person on earth this month, I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix and then immediately deleted all the games off of my phone. I know the whole message was to delete Instagram and Facebook, but I’ve never had Facebook on my phone (what am I, 90?) and I truly don’t go on Instagram that much (not by choice, I have a shite battery that lasts about eight minutes a day).

This girl helping senior dogs is an absolute angel on earth.

Fighting ever urge in my body to immediately buy this emerald beauty.

I started watching Girlfriends and even though the pilot is rooooough (as most pilots are), it’s an all right show. It’s insane that Sex And The City basically stole this entire premise. I did, however, stop watching because all of the women are so wildly tiny, it warps my brain to sit and stare at skinny women for long periods of time.

I bought this scalp massager and holy hell, it’s incredible. It elevates a shower times a thousand.

I tried a sample of Fab Pharma’s Rescue Mask and it’s pretty great. It’s weird to not wash a mask off yes, but your skin feels amazing in the morning after use.

My friend Dusty had his movie reviewed by Roger Ebert’s website which is so huge and amazing. Wildly proud.

I started watching Sister, Sister on Netflix and Lisa is the greatest character of all time.

The new autumn candle at Trader Joe’s? Honeycrisp Apple! Already bought! Already sold out! Will I light it or just keep it to smell every so often? None of your business.

Another great New Yorker cover.

I was fortunate enough to eat at Atoboy (thank you Katie & Greg!) and it was perfection. I’ve never eaten tuna so heavenly. Such a wonderful meal and the service especially was warm as hell.

A roasted oyster cheat sheet for NYC, if you should find yourself in need.

A great piece talking about how people make up voices for their dogs.

I rewatched Grease and I can’t believe how often I forget how good the music is in that movie. Every song smashes.

One of my favourite restaurants in Astoria, Mars, opened for lunch recently, very grateful.

REVELATION: Not drinking before bed gives you a crazy, deep, restful sleep. How on earth did I not remember this?

I finally bought those Aerie bike shorts I’ve wanted for months and they’re incredible. Bike shorts should always be this damn soft.

Finally ate at Arte Cafe on the Upper West Side and loved it.

I visited the Krispy Kreme flagship in Times Square and it was pretty great. Most locations in every suburban city have glass windows where you see the donuts being made, so I didn’t get the huge appeal?

I may or may not have indulged in some of the seasonal desserts at Comfortland in Astoria, I won’t tell you details because they weren’t anything amazing. Honestly, nothing compares to the apple fritters at San Remo’s in Etobicoke.

I watched the Surviving R. Kelly sequel on Netflix and it didn’t really have any new information, which makes sense because there hasn’t even been a trial yet.

I also watched all of season one and some of season two of Twin Peaks (for the first time) and I have some thoughts. First things first, the pilot is incredible. But… why is the background/theme music so terrible? It never matches any of the scenes in tone and it just leaves me confused most times. Some parts are so fucking off and bad (acting-wise, script-wise) that I literally googled certain scenes to see if they were supposed to be funny or if I was missing something. What the fuck is with all of the dancing? And THIS scene? What in the good holy fuck?? UGH, and then David Lynch SHOWS UP IN THE SHOW? Kill me. The entire series should’ve lasted one season. I can officially say that I don’t give one shit about who the fuck killed Laura Palmer, she’s the luckiest character of them all to be dead. Blow me, Lynch.

Hot tip: wine bottle as a ravioli maker!

Neve Campbell is definitely onboard for the next Scream!

Best tweets of the month can be found over here.

Some things that I’m looking forward to doing this month: I must decorate, I really want to make this fall kale salad that sounds incredible, I’m planning a visit to Sleepy Hollow for the day, if I can find the time I really want to try these vegan burgers, I need to finalize the details for my costume this year, MUST BUY these winter stamps, I cannot wait to get my hands on these again, I’m intending on doing my 31-days-of-Halloween celebration yet again (which means that I’ll try to do at least one spookily themed thing each day), and I will definitely be watching some of these 90s sitcoms Halloween episodes. Also, I’m not a huge cronut fan but the flavour this month is a combination of cappuccino and hazelnut! Already pre-ordered.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in August over here.

[tophergen]

How to Ruin EVERYTHING

You know when you’re walking along, enjoying the sun, and you see a little bee buzz by before it delicately lands on a flourishing flower and you think, ‘yeah, little buddy. That’s exactly where you’re meant to be!’ Well, that’s how God feels when He sees me crying in the bathroom of Taco La Bamba.

One of the most fascinating sights you’ll ever witness is my uninterrupted ability to piss on a good mood – my own, specifically. Every time I feel happy I find myself waiting on a heavy flu-like sensation to descend upon my mood, thus making the world right again. So, I flippantly put the middle finger up to any feel-good vibes that wash over me, because I know something, or someone, is going to come along and smash my chipper disposition into a billion little pieces. My grave stone will read ‘Here lies Topher. Horribly disappointed, perpetually underwhelmed. Wrapped up, and hoarded by misery.’

Fuck climbing the happy tree, I’m cheering on the bulldozers.

This is a state of mind I’ve practiced so much that if it was an Olympic sport I’d be guaranteed a gold – and after winning I’d later sulk and whine about how heavy the gold was or that it didn’t shine as bright as I thought it would. You may think this is just a comic exaggeration of my inherent Britishness, but it isn’t. On paper, I have a list of reasons to be happy that spans the length of my arm that I could rattle off to you, but try telling my brain that. No. Seriously. Someone send it a memo. A day in my head feels like a fifty-year stint in baboon prison.

I should be happy, but there’s this sultry looking cloud that’s locked itself into position above my head and it just rains and rains and rains on my mood. My idiot brain just standing there, hood down, accepting this. I go to a mirror, open my eyes wide, and peer at my reflection – trying desperately to get a glimpse at my mood. I see nothing but my own disappointed looking reflection and imagine to myself that, if I could see my mood, it would likely resemble a sandpapered foetus or a zoomed-in picture of a diseased bowel. Meanwhile, my mental state throbs like a beaten ginger step-child. It’s not even my brain anymore, it’s a tormenting sponge dripping shitty water drops into my soul. I hate this, I really do. I know I make my misery sound funny, but that’s because as a writer I need to write about what I know - and all I seem to know is perpetual misery, crippling disappointment and the lyrics to every JoJo song ever recorded (there is no correlation.)

Here’s a real-life nightmare for you: It’s Wednesday and you’re awake. That’s the nightmare.

I’m sitting, trying to talk myself into happiness whilst systemically luring myself away from the same good mood I’m trying to run toward. I’m on my fifth cup of tea, which because of this misery tastes like boiled metallic cigarette butts. I am writing a list of reasons to be happy; things I am grateful for – and I am so truly grateful for them – but I still don’t feel happy or even content. This is depression at its most insidious.

People often think the days when you feel suicidal or weeks when you can’t leave your room because of anxiety, are the worse. Those days suck, yes. But a weird side-effect of depression is that pretty much every other day is just a sequence of scenes full of mundanity and macabre. You wander around armed with nothing but the certainty that something terrible is about to happen – and it could be anything. A bus is about to plummet into you, Hitchcock’s The Birds suddenly becomes a reality; Sam Smith idly walks by and, upon mistaking you for a fan, launches into an appallingly violent and unprovoked acapella rendition of all his singles. You are just waiting for something to fuck up your day and by association your mood. Every positive vibe, compliment or bit of good news is nothing but a grinning, lurking death-trap for your mood. At least on the days where I feel suicidal I know it’s a chemical imbalance and I know it’s a storm I have to weather. I know it’ll pass. This though? This ‘normality’ that imbues me with nothing a nervous frisson? This is what I cannot stand.

Another weird side effect of this dubious mindset is that you see everything as a very low budget, gruesome fictional horror. A horror where you’re convinced nobody wants to speak to you and frightened when they do, because you don’t trust their intentions. When you wake up next to your boyfriend, rather than snuggling up to that warm, fuzzy feeling of contentment, you find yourself lying there pondering all the ways this could go wrong, the full time waiting for him to brutally murder you for being such a miserable bastard.

This is living with depression: Having to witness life’s changing atrocities first hand but being increasingly nonchalant about them. Feeling nothing when you hold the hand of the person you’re falling in love with. Waiting for them to leave you. Waiting for your friends to get fed up with you. Being hopelessly morbid. Craving disappointment because it’s the equivalent of a security blanket for you. Moaning for months that if you had X,Y and Z your life would be better and you’d be happy, only to find that when you put the work in and finally get what you wanted, you’re still miserable. Your mood is always flat and everybody thinks you’re just being ungrateful. Depression is trying to force your size nine feet into a pair of your boyfriend's size seven shoes only to realise your mistake five minutes later. Depression is mentioning that someone loves you constantly because you honestly don't believe it. Depression is trying to out-run a vast cloud of blah every day. Depression doesn't take sick days, but rather makes you sick every day.

To those people that don’t get it, you try concentrating on being happy and enjoying life when you have the Les Mes soundtrack stuck in your brain and you’re bursting with an ominous foreboding.

A therapist once told me that this is all a mindset; one where everything is a disaster waiting to happen; every step you take, every plug socket you pass, every message you send – every one of these opening moments is just more misery waiting to happen. I am trying to change that mindset, but alas it’s not the simple to alter your brain’s chemistry.