#this reminds me I need to read courtney’s journals again

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin

I know it's been a while since we've had a chat. I don't mean to leave things for so long. I've decided to write to you here instead of my journal, hand cramps you get it. Plus, I doubt anyone will ever see this.

I miss you so much, Erin. I wish you were still here to give me advice or even just have a shit talk like we used to. I am so lost, a lot of us are since you've gone.

I've not been at work for the last couple of weeks because of the holiday period. My work didn't pay me right also and they won't fix it until mid Jan and I'm hungry but I have to ration my money because I know I'll need to fill my car up to go back to work.

Courtney and I don't talk anymore. She has deleted me off of everything and honestly, I'm not too mad about it. It sounds shitty but I've been working really hard on myself and me and her at in different growth periods and I think she may be stunted emotionally and we will never be compatible in life. I am grateful for all she's done for me, as I'm sure she is too.

I've been talking to Zach again. I know what you're going to say, WHY?! Although I know that Zach and I probably won't work out, it's nice to have someone that knows me better than I know myself. I don't really have to explain myself in depth, he does understand me for the most part. Zach is a constant reminder that I can be loved in a way that you read about in storybooks and also that sometimes love just isn't enough. He says he'll FaceTime me this weekend, I'm not holding my breath.

I met a guy a few months back, D. It was like the movies, love at first sight - for both of us I think. He lives in Canberra, I went to visit in November and now he's here in Queensland and we've spent a lot of time together. I told him that wanted more, he told me that he has a lot on his plate and that distance was an issue. I can tell he regrets it and I want to beg him to change his mind but my begging to be loved days are behind me. Two months with someone and it felt like forever, I could see forever with him. If we were soulmates, he would want to try and he doesn't. A common trend with the relationships my life.

Love,

Han

[permanentconundrum]

9/26/21

8:31am Woke up after a couple dreams. I’m going to watch church from home this morning, I’m still not ready to go in person. Feeling a little anxious about just watching online but still looking forward to it. I did the quick breathing exercise through Headspace this morning and it was alright. I also watched the beginning of the video called the wake up and it was about mindfully using technology. The action I made after watching was to turn off notifications for some apps, like Facebook. I’ll look forward to their Sunday Scaries podcast today.

8:38am I’ve been enjoying and seeing benefits from breathing exercises. I think it helps me relax and practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help me manage stress and anxiety and learn self awareness about how I think. I’m learning to study how it feels to breathe. I might come back to thinking about this

8:43 am going to turn on Sirius XMU. Tenderness by Jay Som was on when I turned on the radio. I find this radio station to be nice to listen to because the DJs are chill and interesting and know their music. Don’t mean to turn this into an ad, but it’s ok, this is just a journal entry. Calling this an ad is a bit excessive, just noting that I found a radio station I like.

8:50am Kind of looking forward to the day. Momentarily felt a bit stressed out. Journaling does help. I kind of want to learn more about the benefits of journaling so I can better make use of the practice. I currently mainly use it to catalog my thoughts, but it would be nice to dig deeper into stuff and maybe find some material for art.

8:55am I can tell I’m conscious that I’ll be posting this online. I kind of wish that wasn’t the case and I could just share my thoughts but it’s ok, it’s a learning experience to share like this. Anyway, it’s time to get set up for church online.

12:05pm Ate some leftover pizza this noon, I was hungry but now I feel better. Bible class after church should be interesting this year, about the book of Revelation. I’ll be interested to learn about it.

Started listening to XMU again just now, a good Sunday activity. I’m going to try reading Refuse by Julian Randall. I’ve been looking forward to reading it but expect it to be kind of intense. Thinking about going to get a coffee in Minneapolis before the Vikings game. We’ll see what happens, I have chores to do too.

12:44pm Read a few poems from the beginning of the book. I put it down and am still listening to the radio. Clairo is on, the song Sophia. It’s kind of an intense book and I wasn’t really feeling affected by it very fully, but maybe I don’t have to in the first reading. Yeah, I really like listening to the radio as a Sunday activity, I find it relaxing. Texting my mom now. She’s preparing for teachers conference today and going to watch the Vikings play. She reminded me of exercise and going to the gym. That would be a good self-care practice too. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. I think I’ve decided I’ll go into Minneapolis for that coffee before the game. Now listening to Rae Street by Courtney Barnett. I like the song.

3:55pm watching the Vikings game and it’s on commercial. I did end up getting coffee in Minneapolis. Feeling a little tired. I should do some chores while I watch.

7:23pm While watching the game, I did a few chores which was productive. I also went on my phone during the game and explored the Headspace app. One thing I did was learn about chronotypes. It is defined in your DNA and determines your best schedule for productivity throughout the day. I am a bear which is the most common of four types. I could still learn more about what it actually means. It is mainly related to a sleeping and eating schedule. I’ll get the name of the guy who talked about this in a book I haven’t read called the Power of When. The guy is Dr. Michael Breus for what it’s worth. Kind of interesting to me. Related is my experience trying to be more mindful about how I have settings in my phone. I took off notifications for a few apps including Facebook which has been nice. I haven’t cared about Facebook alerts in quite a while. Related to Headspace, I also listened to the Sunday Scaries podcast episode from today. It’s a short podcast with a short breathing exercise and helpful tips for the coming week. This time was an introduction basically to the work I’ve been doing using the app for working through anxiety. It’s just the start, but it’s encouraging to think about how far I’ve come in that Headspace program. I still have a ways to go to get mindfulness to help even more with anxiety, and using breathing exercises as well.

One other thing I did during the game was start shopping for a car which is not a task I enjoy really. It’ll be fun to update my ride lol but also used car prices have risen and it’s uncertain if they’ll go back down. I’ll try to keep looking regularly for several weeks.

Listening to the radio again while journaling. That thought interrupted my line of thinking about the Headspace app, and I’m trying to navigate how much of this journaling will be stream of consciousness. Sometimes my thoughts can get somewhat scatterbrained which isn’t helpful for a blog. Normally in my private journal I let the thoughts be scatterbrained because that is true stream of consciousness and it’s fun to see how the stream of consciousness works. I think I’ll experiment with and without editing related thoughts together in different posts and see what feels better. I found the need to organize placement of topics here a bit, while maintaining integrity of the writing for the most part.

Lying in my bed rn and journaling on my phone. That’s my normal setup. This song by PJ Harvey is kind of hot lol. It’s called Rid of Me. Self conscious that I’m basically an ad for this radio station but also the songs in this blog post could be a decent playlist so there’s that. On that note I’m excited to listen to the new collaborative album between Sufjan Stevens and Angelo de Augustine. I like what I’ve heard by way of introduction so far.

I went for a walk after the Vikings’ win. It was nice getting outside. I momentarily felt anxious about the coming week, but remembered to return my focus to the present moment which helped. It is now 8:00 so I’ve been at this a while.

8:50 My phone died so I took the opportunity to watch CNBC Street Signs (Asia) and fold clothes, I was surprised by my energy to do a chore. After I finished that, I realized it wouldn’t take long to clean the bathroom so I did most of that quickly too. Quite pleased I could get those things done. I also got laundry done today too, so pretty productive. Cleaning your space can be part of self care, so it’s good to do that. Exercise is part of it as well, so it’s good I got a walk.

9:02pm I should do the next Headspace exercise. They have been relaxing this past week.

9:24pm I finished the tenth and last session in part two of the course on managing anxiety. I do feel a sense of accomplishment even though it took a while to get through it. I was consistent in the last week or so and the sessions went well. I’m looking forward to the next ten sessions. They’ll talk about framing the exercise to get the most out of it.I think I’m going to leave it here and watch some of the Circle on Netflix which is a show that makes me laugh. I didn’t do much more with art/poetry today but I managed to stay in the present moment pretty well and not worry about the coming week. I hope any readers have a good night and start to the week.

[theticklishpear]

Hi, I just wondered if you could help me with tips on how to write fiction in a diary format? Specifically creating tension as well as engaging scenes with mainly telling/summary. Some background without too much detail... its a horror short story involving the "haunting" of a MC where halfway through it'll change to normal narrative and the story unfolds real-time. Any other pointers you could would be useful for me to bear in mind would be appreciated. Thanks :)

The diary or journal format of story-telling is a near cousin to the epistolary, in which the story is told through letters. After all, aren’t diaries and journals basically just letters we write to ourselves? We’re not usually writing for it to be read by someone else - we’re trying our best to be real and say our true thoughts and feelings about a situation in a safe place. We use diaries and journals to be seen, even if that’s just helping ourselves see ourselves better.

So what makes a diary story work?

Voice.

These stories are all about the narrator being an actual person, not just some metaphorical god-voice describing life in as beautiful and highfalutin of terms possible. This is a real human being caught up in events they probably weren’t expecting, dealing with people they may not have thought they’d be dealing with, talking about real things happening to them. It’s key to the life and vitality of the story that it carry that voice to the audience and that the voice is strong. Just because you’re writing a diary doesn’t mean every entry has to start with, “Dear Diary.” In fact, depending on the character, it probably won’t.

While I said at the start that we often write to ourselves, sometimes diaries and journals are written as though someone might theoretically read them in the future. Consider how your character thinks of these entries. Are they trying to leave a message to someone who might come across the diary later? Are they writing to comfort themselves? Are they writing to an imaginary audience because it helps them to cope with what’s going on? What’s your character’s reason to write and relationship to their writings? That can help inform their tone and the kinds of things they might write about.

The device in D.J. MacHale’s Pendragon series is that the main character is on a different plane/planet/time from his friends who are receiving his journals periodically. His friends never know if it will be the last set of journals they’ll receive, and Bobby is writing his adventures specifically for his friends, so they are thorough and actually a fairly typical narrative structure in first person. This is possible because of the reason for Bobby’s writing them.

You still have standard narrative tools available to you; they just might look a little different. Descriptions that in an average narrative structure might have time to breathe and grow into longer, more detailed things will likely be shorter, more to-the-point, more visceral. You can feed on the real and disjointed way of describing that people have in conversation. Rather than needing it to sound “good” and to choose the perfect words to craft beautiful storytelling, you can embrace the garbage words we choose for ourselves. Descriptions can focus on fewer background details, fewer things we might include in longer stories to help build out the world.

Internal thoughts and monologues about what the character feels and thinks about what’s being witnessed are more able to be put front-and-center since these entries are directly from them. The story’s already purposefully being set behind a filter, so you might as well embrace it.

Dialogue is absolutely still an option for you. It may be just the essentials of a conversation, but don’t feel like you’re just constrained to telling. You can show, too; you just have to be judicious about it.

Tension comes from format as much as the events. When constructing these entries, take the practicality of sitting down to write an entry into account. Time is passing, always, for your character, even while they’re writing. Some days they won’t have time to write so you wind up with time gaps. These leave an audience looking at the dates from one entry to the next and wondering what could have happened to keep them from writing for so long. Sometimes your character only has five minutes to scribble down an update rather than write something long and detailed. Those short entries help to speed up pacing, which is a great way to get your reader turning those pages and tightening up subconsciously.

In the same vein, not every entry has to have a complete arc the way a scene does in a standard narrative structure. People get interrupted. These, like chapter cliffhangers, need to be used with enormous care and purpose, and sparingly. Remember that every entry will bring your character up to their present, even if it’s not what you think of as the present of the story.

In Tamora Pierce’s Beka Cooper books, which are all three written in journal format, Beka sometimes writes more than one entry per day as she has time to write throughout her chores and jobs. As a way to bring the audience into the urgency of a situation, entries will sometimes end with Beka remarking on something going on as she’s writing and then leaving it abruptly: “I’d drifted off, thinking of other things I had learned in Dale’s rooms, when I heard loud voices downstairs. I must go.” End entry.

Other times there may be simply a date but no entry, as though Beka intended to write but either didn’t have time, didn’t have anything to say on what had happened, or wasn’t quite ready to write. Sometimes there are more device-like endings in which Beka notes her tiredness and begins to spell poorly before an intense part of her day’s story, saying “[she] can barely see [her] page” and must sleep for now. This is a bit of a cheaper trick, but the forced pause for the reader does initiate some amount of excitement and trepidation for what’s to come.

Bobby in the Pendragon series often pauses his journals before something big is about to go down so he can send a final goodbye to his friends at the end: “The crazy thing was, this all came about because of two people who never could have foreseen the outcome of their actions. .... It was clear to me now. The turning point for Denduron wasn’t the battle between the Milago and the Bedoowan. ....[T]here was something else that became clear. I wasn’t going home. .... This may be my last journal I write to you, Mark and Courtney. If it is, then please know that it wasn’t your fault about the flashlight. All you did was help out a friend. The blame is all mine. If you don’t hear from me again, then please know I did everything I could to undo the mess I created. I may not be successful, but at least I tried. Thank you for reading this, and for being my friends. Hopefully this isn’t a final good-bye.” This helps remind the audience that, indeed, Bobby could die. Just because he appears to be the main character, and is the author of the journals, doesn’t mean he’s not in grave danger. He can still die, he can still be injured, and it helps to make the audience curious about how he gets out of his predicament.

That’s where your tension comes from. Making danger a reality for your protagonist and making your audience curious to see how it goes.

It is more important than ever to keep yourself present with your character. Tense and timeline can get tricky with diary entries, so make sure that when you’re writing an entry, you keep in mind exactly where in the timeline your character is. While you’re writing, don’t think about what’s coming up next for your character. That kind of thing has a tendency to sneak into these style of stories. Stay in the moment with your character, not in the future with your notes. Let them say things that are wrong because they don’t know the answer yet. Let them guess about their next step and what their plans are for tackling their situation, even if you know that’s most definitely not what’s going to happen.

Good luck!-Pear

[6four1-blog]

June 10th, 2017 (Kavousi, Crete, Greece)

I haven’t really been using my computer lately due to both inconvenience and pure exhaustion from the hard manual labor. I would like to write a few of these long entries that are separate from my journal as passages that are meant to be read by other people. If you were here in Kavousi with me, then you will (most likely) be reading this at the end of our excavation. If I am sharing this with you, it means I felt like we got decently close and I hope this serves as a reminder for the magical summer we shared, no matter how brief our interactions may have been. However, if you are family, a friend from home, a friend from Duke, or just someone who came across this blog, I hope you enjoy reading about my culture shock and taking a sneak peak into my train of thought. Now, it has been about two weeks, and the writer within me itches like a rough patch of eczema and being away from a keyboard is really tearing me inside out. I shall try my best to recall everything that has happened so far to the best of my ability.

I remember the very first day as clear as these oceans’ waters. I had arrived at the Heraklion airport full of anxiety and incredibly unsure if I made the right decision in coming to dig at Azoria. The airport itself was rather shabby and run-down; the lone building was tainted with a smudged layer of brown that can be found at all hot and humid countries. The same smother is visible on almost any old building in my home town Xiamen on the Southern Chinese coast. I remember stepping out of the airport to a beating sun that cooked me in my black Zumiez joggers as if I was a goat prepped for a Minoan feast. There were a few other students who were also part of the Azoria excavations and there were quite a few who I identified well before boarding the plane in Athens. I would soon discover that the majority of them are from Trent University and had already known each other. They seemed so well knit already that a part of me was deeply worried that this experience would be extremely lonely. Luckily for me, one of them had the courage to introduce himself to an Asian boy who clearly seemed out of place. His name was Alex and he would turn out to be my trench master for these upcoming seven weeks. The man had the build of an Ohio State linesman but the voice of a gentle scholar. His words were of something incredibly reassuring, that the people who worked on this project and even those who returned year after year were quirky and friendly in their own unique way.

The drive to Kavousi was quiet and lonely, as all the Trent University Canadians fell asleep in perfect sync. I, already exhausted from nearly 20 hours of non-stop travel, somehow couldn’t fall asleep as I observed the small Cretan villages that came and went as if I was scrolling through a stack of old photographs. The houses bore an uncanny resemblance to those that I found in my travels around rural China. Everything seemed to be built to just merely fulfill its purpose and most of the architecture was furnished just enough to get the job done, but not enough to be considered as beautiful pieces of art or as revelations in engineering. The highway itself was a project stuck in time, as if the construction workers finished just enough so that the rocky slopes wouldn’t collapse before leaving and returning to live their normal lives. The mountains here were sheer, steep, and dry like the ancient pottery of this land. The flora and fauna spawned across the land in a sporadic fashion much like Floridan shrubs back home in North America. The trees and bushes were never too tall to block one’s view of the island’s silhouette. Their pigments bore a much lighter shade of green compared to the Western white pine and red cedar from my home near the foot of the Northwest Rocky Mountains. Since the Northwest trees liberated a distinct aromatic smoke when burnt, later on, when these Greek trees were used as firewood in the local pizza ovens, the smell of the smoke was unfamiliar to me and my olfactory quaked with a nonnative affect that I simply cannot explain with words.

After what it seemed to be a life time of driving, Catherine finally pulled up at the Tholos hotel where I would be staying for the next seven weeks. I found myself in a triple with two much older guys, one from Chicago who goes to the University of Kentucky named Weston, and another who goes to the University of Iowa named Rick. Weston was 23 and Rick was 25, both of whom are substantially older than my meager 19. Our room was incredibly simple and plainly furnished with a few pieces of furniture and simple ornaments. The owners tried their best to decorate the room but, coming from Vancouver and Duke, the decorations simply did not exceed my expectations in any way.

It was then when Weston strolled into the room and introduced himself. He had an incredibly gregarious demeanor that struck me as someone who was exceptionally comfortable with talking to people and someone who was god damn confident in his ability to strike up a good conversation. In my heart, there was a flash of envy and awe, best summarized as an unique respect for someone who seemed to be very open to talking about different topics and very good at conversing with people of diverse cultures and backgrounds. He certainly had faith in his speech and strong personality that I always lack when I first meet people. Weston and I slowly trotted up to Maria’s taverna for a quick drink and bite of food. What we talked about on that walk up to Kavousi, and the countless walks many nights and days to follow, will be a subject for another discussion. On our walk back that night, we briefly met David. He was walking up to Maria’s from Tholos in a near pitch-black street lit with out-of-commission street lamps, making him look rather menacing and scary. In that moment, I had no idea that he would become one of my best friends here at Azoria.

It was either on the same day or the day after when I met the rest of the girls that would eventually become a good component of my friends here. A few gave such distinct first impressions that I will never forget. Alana, a girl from John Hopkins, seemed like the biggest goofball and happy-go-lucky daughter that a mother could ever ask for. Her constant commentary on her own actions and the world around her just brightened the crowd and could make you laugh any time, any day. She had a humor that could penetrate the barriers in society created by controversial issues surrounding socioeconomic status, race, and culture. Having her around in a discussion and in a group activity was an absolute pleasure and just made the times much merrier. Courtney was just so tall and impossible to miss, but what truly imprinted on me was her willingness to give you her undivided attention while you were talking. Her gaze into your eyes as you spoke was one of constant thought, careful never to miss a word and unwilling to let your voice go unheard in the large mob. Then there was Callie, who immediately rubbed in my face that UNC won the national NCAA title this year and attempted to marginalize Duke. However, after getting over the fact I am a Duke student and people from Duke are not all as bad as Grayson Allen, her expressions and mannerisms became that of close sister that I have never had. It was her who attempted to include me in group activities and she was more than often the first to ask how I was doing on the brutal 7 am work mornings. Somewhere in the dark I saw a spark for a friendship that can be maintained for many months and perhaps even years to come. There was also Nikki, the girl with probably the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. They were a bright light-blue that twinkled even better than even the dazzling constellations during a night in the middle of the Sahara. She had the smily eyes that only those who were deeply loved by their mother and the father would ever have.

The first few days, including the orientation, flew by as if I was driving down the Interstate 95 from Raleigh to Savannah. It took a few days for my body to adjust to the amount of heat and sunlight we had to constantly work in. I was imbibing more than a gallon of water in a span of just 12 hours and my body was still constantly screeching at me for more. Working with the skaliskiri was the forearm and wrist workout that I never bothered doing at Duke. After the first week, I swear there was a tendon in my right arm that was ready to just rupture and give in. The ibuprofen numbed it as it always does and my forearms eventually developed the endurance and strength they needed for a seven-hour work day. After this trip, I don’t think I will skip forearm day ever again. As of two weeks in, sieving seems to be my favorite activity up on site. At the sieve, I got the chance to bond with Kate, Marissa, Gabriela, and Lexi. We all loved to sieve and had many conversations about home, deep thoughts, and things greater than our own microcosms. The labor was physically tiring and mentally draining but every once in a while you find big shards of pottery or bone, and these little finds are what keeps you going and digging. That yes, maybe it sucks to be coated in dirt and constantly harassed by horseflies, but the possibility of finding a cool piece of goat bone with my next scarp kept me, and I assume the rest of my trench, going onwards and forwards. Our trench on the western slope is always blessed with a refreshing breeze that came from the Aegean up north. It was as if the old gods were constantly sending down their regards and encouragement in the most comforting and non-verbal way possible.

The few hours after work were probably the most defining moments so far. For the first week at least, the norm for us was to head down to the beach and go for a light swim. We found a little shop that recently opened and the owner is a Cypriot native and was once a professor in Athens for more years than I have been alive. He approached me on our very first encounter and asked me whether I was Japanese or Chinese. Perhaps it was then when I realized that I, being an Asian person in a small town that does not get its fair share of Asian tourism, not mention young Asian travelers, am literally an animal out of the zoo for most of the people here in Kavousi. It was during these afternoon strolls and beach talks when I started to appreciate Weston and David more and more. We had radically different upbringings; just to give an example, I didn’t recognize a single song that David showed me. My innate attitudes about socializing with different people started to morph as I came to the realization that our cultural and background differences were so easily overcome by similar senses of humor and topics of interest. It was remarkably satisfying to grow closer and begin to understand David. He had the shell of a tough guy who seemed to have seen and endured too much for someone his age. A part of those eyes burned like an aching scar that could easily tear open. I later found out that he had been terribly bullied in his adolescent years and, as a result, he carries himself with an aura of confidence and belligerence that utterly refuses to be hurt in the same way ever again. But underneath that stout façade, there was a young man who simply wanted to be listened to, understood, and trusted. I would be a very rich man if I could just get five euros whenever his and my humor clicked like the gears of a nice Swiss timepiece. Not only does the guy have a talent for talking and deep-thinking, but he would also become a very successful professional fly-swatter if he wanted to. 

Later on in the second week, the Greek workmen started inviting the three of us to drink with them after work. In Chinese and Canadian society, and to some extent American society, workmen are not considered a great demographic to be associated with. Many were known to blow their small earnings on hedonistic pleasures such as prostitutes and drugs. However, these Greek workmen were some of the most down-to-earth people I have ever met. These were the video gamers, the big brothers, the fathers, and the engineering students who are native to Kavousi and enjoying meeting people from around the world. Maybe the most distinct workman I met was Giwrgos, whom refers to himself as Katis. Katis’ English was so impressive and his voice was one that reminded you of your best roommate. When he lent a helping hand, you could feel the care in his touch, the sincerity in his voice, and the simple desire to get to know you better and become your best friend. He once went out of his way to go to his house and fetch his car just to drive me, Weston, and David back to our hotel rooms. His kindness and comforting demeanour will take him so far if he ever chooses to leave Greece and work elsewhere, because I simply don’t see him not being able to fit in anywhere he goes.

[brunchbitch]

When you get a moment could you please bullet update on your week?

sure! i’m putting it under a read more bc it’s long and boring.

2/19/17

this week has been okay - up and down.

i moved back to W (the group home) last tuesday and the first couple nights were very very hard, but since then it’s gotten a little better. or, rather, i’ve been trying to change my attitude towards it. i’m going to be living here for at least another year and i don’t want to be miserable the whole time so i’m doing my best to try to be a little more positive. laura, the residence director, has been nice and helpful, but not too overbearing which i was worried about - (can’t remember if i’ve already written this but) courtney called her to let her know they supported me moving back here and she was like “okay i would like a copy of her meal plan and her exercise plan. i will be watching her closely” and courtney was like “umm… usually by the time they’re in iop, they don’t really need to be watched outside of program” but laura said “i don’t care. i am not letting what happened in the fall happen again on my watch.” so i feel really bad bc i feel like she partially blamed herself for not intervening sooner. so i was worried about her watching me like a hawk but she’s been good. she asked me a little about partial/iop but hasn’t asked me what i’ve eaten or anything like that so that’s good.

on thursday i did shop and cook with another girl - we made chicken walnut cranberry goat cheese pizza and it was yummy. friday we went to a sandwich place for lunch. it was both my and another girl’s last outing in php, so we begged to get ice cream even though it was really cold. we were so excited when the dietitian said we could go to ben & jerry’s and obviously it was still scary and i felt guilty for being excited/asking for it, but i was also able to reflect on how far i’ve come since september and that’s really cool.

yesterday i finally had galentine’s day with my best friend and we did some painting and had coffee and lunch together while watching phantom of the opera. i was supposed to go to multi-family group at mnlh but my check engine light came on and i was too nervous to drive 30 min on the highway so i took it to a shop and bri and i went shopping at a fun store for a little bit. once i got my car back ($280 later ugh), i ended up still going to mnlh to say hi to some of my friends, but those three clients weren’t even there - they were all on pass. so i hung out with one of the recovery coaches who i was really close to. and T was there and i got to talk to her about brandon’s phone call which was really helpful. when i told her about the time limit/end date, she was like “does he think your ED is just going to go away by then?” and i was like EXACTLY and said how i wanted to tell him to put a time limit on our therapy too lol. i’m wondering if the director of mnlh might be able to talk to him and say that the end date wouldn’t be advisable. i don’t plan to see liz for the rest of my life, for sure, but i think it’s problematic to start out knowing when we’re going to end. if i really wanted to be in treatment, i probably would’ve said i didn’t need an ED team, and then just let myself relapse again so i could go back to residential. but i am ACTIVELY trying to make my outpatient team as supportive as possible so that i DON’T have to go back to a HLOC. so i’m gonna try to talk to him about this on friday. i really need to work on being honest with him, especially when i disagree with him. so i’m really glad i stopped by mnlh and got to talk to her. i told her i would try to come next weekend too so that i could update her on how the meeting went. while i was there, i saw a new client who looked really really awful, like should’ve been in the hospital, and she is T’s client. that was hard for me. i was jealous of her body (i know i shouldn’t be, but i am) and jealous that she was probably going to be there for a very long time which means that she gets to work with T for a very long time and that’s hard. i miss T so much and wish i was seeing her outpatient. but one thing that’s really helpful is that she does work on saturdays which is the day of the alumni group, so i can convince my bpd (or whatever) that i don’t need to get really sick to see her again - i can see her in group every week! and hopefully i won’t need to go every week for months and months, but i know it’s there if i need it and it’s a much healthier way of transitioning than saying goodbye to a therapist for good and knowing i would have to return as a patient if i wanted to see them again.

i milieu'ed last night (milieu is where we have to be in the common area of the house playing games or watching a movie - you can’t study or read or do anything too isolative - and we have to milieu three nights a week) and it was pretty low-key. i made dinner (brussels sprouts, sweet potato cranberry onion mix, and chicken breast) and prepped breakfast (baked blueberry oatmeal) then started some art journaling (mostly just cutting things out of magazines at this point).

this morning i was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but her car broke down and i’m bummed i couldn’t see her but was also kind of relieved bc i didn’t sleep well so i went back to bed for an hour. i had oatmeal for breakfast, did a load of laundry (still haven’t folded that whoops), unpacked a little, then went to volunteer at the cat shelter! that was fun and three kitties got adopted. i’m really happy i found this shelter bc they’re so nice and i love being around the cats so much so that’s been a source of joy for me. then i went to get snack at berryline and see my outpatient dietitian, kellie. 

we had a really good session and laughed a bit about the ridiculousness of the fall (she was like “how did you even have ketoacidosis, i mean that is so freaking rare! it’s one thing if you have ketones in your urine, but for the actual pH of your body to change…” and then she shook her head and laughed and i laughed too bc it really is fucking ridiculous. and then she reminded me that she was talking to me on the phone in between the two hospitalizations and i was saying that my legs were numb and she had said “well if it gets worse, you should go to your doctor” and i replied “how would i know if they get worse? i can’t feel them!” and she was like “umm… ok you should definitely go to your doctor” lol i did not remember having that conversation. i just remember being terrified of going to the doctor or the walk-in clinic bc brandon had told me if i was hospitalized again, he wouldn’t work with me again.) i talked about how frustrated i was with the end date issue and she agreed with me, not by saying that i should be able to see liz for the rest of my life, that there should be an end to it, but to not necessarily set a date at this time. we also talked about some goals (continue eating out at a restaurant at least once a week when i step down to iop even though i don’t “have” to bc there aren’t any outings in iop, log everything in recovery record, and practice more intuitive eating while challenging judgements). we decided she’s going to do blind weights and she’s not going to give me feedback unless it continues to trend in one direction or the other and she’s concerned. i know my general 5-pound range from britt so kellie is only going to bring it up when i’m outside of my range. i think that’s probably better bc i get really obsessive about “it’s up a little” “well how much? still in the range? how close to the upper edge of the range?” etc. although it was really hard to agree to that from the outset. she’s also going to be weighing me with clothes on at 4pm on sundays and i wanted so badly to see it today bc i’m sure it’s so much higher than usual. i joked that she must have a really good poker face with this job and she was like “yeah i’m really good.” so i don’t think i’ll get any info there. overall though it was a really good session and i’m so happy i get to start seeing her again.

i’m milieuing now but am probably gonna get in trouble for being on the computer so much so i better end here. sorry this update was probably SO boring.

[jowak93]

58 Ways to Stay Present and Grounded During Hard Times

I put out a call for self-care ideas when I had an emotional day. 58 people gave me their heartfelt, tried and true ways to stay grounded and present. Peace and love <3 “This present moment must become the most wonderful moment in your life.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

1. Give yourself a mindful 5 minute vacation. Set a timer for 5 minutes and turn your phone off. - Dan F.

2. Bike. - Gabe M.

3. Running and boxing classes. - Courtney MV.

4. Do a little yoga and gentle movement to the let the emotions move through. Burn some sage. Journal. - Meg H.

5. Speak to someone, vocalizing your worries or brain jumble can do a lot to help accept a situation and get clear-headed. - Amin L.

6. Focus on the present moment and recognize how many things you have to be grateful for. Reach out and talk about what you’re going through to get it off your mind while receiving a fresh perspective. - Alicia M.

7. Heavy deadlifts. - Mike R.

8. Remind yourself to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Inhale for 5 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds and repeat ten or more times. Go for a walk, be in nature. Take care of yourself, take a shower to clear your mind. - Stephani F.

9. Prayer and music. - Anne H.

10. Read, light incense, and listen to records. Take time to be. - Patty P.

11. Above and Beyond album for yoga/meditation/mindfulness. - Courtney L.

12. Listen to lots of Elvis Presley. - Ted S.

13. Pray and go for a walk. - Stacy T. 

14. Play with dogs. - Zack V.

15. Listen to music and get some air. - Jay J.

16. Dance around the house. - Susan H.

17. Be active, hike, work out and listen to music. - Corinne A.

18. Literal grounding- take your shoes off and feel the earth. Balance your chakras. - Todd W.

19. Music and a good workout. Yoga class. - Tori S.

20. Think about people in the third world, and complain while using a little girl accent to make yourself feel stupid for feeling down. - Cam E.

21. Craft. - Abram S.

22. Walk with a friend, cook, swim, look through old pictures. - Christine N.

23. Make some tea and light a stick of incense. - Adam P.

24. Focus on the good. Break the bad down into manageable steps to make them go away. And breathe. - Dean D.

25. Dogs. - Danielle E.

26. Biking, writing, and SINGING. - Alex P.

27. Drum. - Dee W.

28. Sing songs you can connect with on a deep level to blow off some steam. - Evan P.

29. Describe your surroundings. What you are sensing and textures of things around you. That helps keep the mind present. Count your breaths. - Hannah R.

30. Dance party! Enjoy nature. - Sally K.

31. Dance naked in high heels to Prince. - Krystle L.

32. Listen to “Just For A Thrill” by Ray Charles. - Claire M.

33. Get a hard tail mountain bike and go navigate some wooded trails blasting music into your earholes. - John J.

34. Listen to music. - Lauren C.

35. Meditate with some peaceful Om’s and visualize your breathing filling the area with warm, vibrant colors. Eat enough food-- stressful/emotional days are amplified if you’re hangry! - Trevor C.

36. Soak in a detox bath and listen to Enya radio. - Ashely W.

37. Go swimming. Preferable in Lake Michigan. Sunset swims are fucking awesome! - Scott V.

38. Listen to “Gravity” by John Mayer. - Alexys D.

39. Listen to “Joy” by Lucinda Williams at max volume. - Sara E.

40. Walk in nature. It’s so good for the soul. - Marcia A.

41. Journal. Remind yourself what is and isn’t in your control as an individual. Educate yourself and others about how to better care for yourself. - Lauren E.

42. Meditate, yoga, sunsets, nature walks, puppy time, deep breaths, music, hammock. - Jennifer S.

43. Fishing until dusk and start a little fire. Have an acoustic and cigars. Listen to the bugs harmonize. - Marcus H.

44. Relax and listen to a full record, preferably Van Morrison’s Moondance. Into the Mystic always does it for me. - PJ T.

45. A hammock and a nice fat doink. - Brian L.

46. Eat a cookie and hug a neighbor. - Tiff R.

47. Use smells to sooth you. Diffuse essential oils or light a candle. - Emma H.

48. Listen to doo top with someone you love. Get a medicinal grandmotherly hug.- Phyllis H.

49. Sensory distractions. Feel the way your feet feel in your shoes. Open the window and smell the air. Little things help to ground you again. - Melissa B.

50. Meditate in a preventative manner. 20 minutes before you start your day. Stand outside barefoot or lay in the grass to physically ground yourself. Touch the earth. - Anthony B.

51. Deep breath, remind yourself to be patient, remind yourself you are exactly where you need to be, count your blessings, follow through on your intentions, and spread that sweet love. - Michael S. 

52. Change it up. Take a left turn when you normally would have turned right. You’ll still get there but you’ll see a different path. Get up and go for a walk when you might otherwise have continued to bury your nose in the grindstone. Seeing things from the other side of the road often makes it easier to understand situations and solve problems. Most of all, though, find a way to let the love shine through. - Jim F.

53. Journal, pet your cat, listen to music, go outside, run, stretch, a good cry always helps. - Kellee F.

54. Go outside and lay on the bare ground in the sunshine. Somewhere with low human interference. - Tom W.

55. Let the eyes rain and primal screaming out in the middle of nowhere. - Evan R.

56. Give yourself the time it takes to refocus your thoughts/energy when you’re taken somewhere that isn’t healthy. Be okay with the fact that they’re not the thoughts/feelings you want but that you’ll get there. Learn to accept where you are at at any given moment. - Liz K. 

57. Qigong or any meditation. Focus on being grateful for everything going good in your life. Seeing the low as a purge of your lower state of being, bringing you more into your higher and authentic self. Listen to Elton John. - Jared T.

58. Sing it out. - Genevieve H.

[litl-theinterview]

Emem Offong

1. What is your favorite thing right now?

Korean street food and Carly Rae Jepsen! I spent the last couple of weeks visiting Seoul with family and had a phenomenal time sampling the delicious street food. Fish cakes! Eels on sticks! Steamed dumplings! Spicy octopus! Roasted chestnuts! All the meats! But my favorite of all the dishes was the roasted sweet potatoes. I know! I know!  It sounds basic but TRUST ME. I have never tasted roasted sweet potatoes that yummy before. I had one almost every night. So, so good. As for Carly Rae Jepson, what can I say, the critics were right. When CRJ’s last album “Emotion” was released in 2015, the reviews were euphoric. I was skeptical. Fast forward a few years and I hear about it again from a close friend so I gave it whirl. WOW. The whole album truly is pure pop perfection. I’ve listened to it on repeat for the last 3 weeks and am no closer to being sick of it than I was the first time I heard it. Every song makes me want to dance wildly and kiss someone I like.

2. If money (and access) was no object, what would you buy today?

I would buy a house in Ditmas park with a porch and a backyard, and a place deep in the woods upstate New York. I’d go on a tasting tour of the best restaurants in every city in the world. I’d set up a B Corp and use its profits to post bail for anyone unable to afford it. John Oliver’s piece from a couple years ago really stuck with me and I dream of fucking up that whole system.

3. Have you ever gone on a pilgrimage?

I have not. But this question has definitely piqued my interest.

4. What is your Kryptonite?

Crispy Fries. I love potatoes in all forms—baked, mashed, boiled, you name it. But crispy fries have my heart. And as frugal as I try to be about most things,  I have a really, really hard time resisting beautiful shoes and expensive electronics.

5. What is your favorite time of day?

I have become a morning person in the last 3 or 4 years, so it’s currently a tie between my walk home from the gym and the moment right after my first sip of coffee. They both signal the start of another day and I absolutely love it.

6. Do you have a go-to "power" song?

Not particularly. I tend to fall in love with an album, listen to it obsessively and then move on to the next. In the last few months, that list has included MUNA (“About U”),  Paramore (“After Laughter”), SZA (“Ctrl”), Beyonce (“Lemonade”), Bruno Mars (“24K Magic”), Brett Eldredge (“Brett Eldredge”) and of course Carly Rae Jepsen (“Emotion”).  I do have certain artists I rely on to get through specific tasks. For instance, Ludacris and Lil Wayne when I need to focus on a tedious design project. And Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, Kelly Clarkson, Backstreet Boys and Celine Dion when I need to kill at karaoke.  

7. What is your happy place?

My apartment is my favorite place on earth. I am so thrilled to have a space that’s all mine that at least once a year, I take a week off just so I can spend even more time in my tiny, beloved studio. Nothing makes me happier than a whole day spent puttering around that shoebox doing whatever the hell I want.

8. If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

This is a tough one. But I’m going with Rihanna. Because, to quote Kid Fury of The Read, “Rihanna is the baddest bitch.” She is the epitome of IDGAF realness in everything she does whether it be music, fashion, business or just living. Men AND women want to be her and be with her. It’s been gratifying to watch her come into her own. She operates in a rarefied space but unlike many artists at her level, she looks like she’s having so much fun doing it. I love it.

Other women I considered: Oprah, Valerie Jarrett, Susan Rice, Condoleeza Rice and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

9. What do you think you do best?

To my friends, I think I’m a good cheerleader, emotional support system and sounding board. As for me, I am persistent—comes with a side of procrastination—and I handle myself with a lot of grace. I can sit still and be perfectly happy doing it; I’m terrific at keeping secrets and am pretty decent at keeping my composure in most situations. And, I make the BEST hush puppies.

10. What is something you do to cheer yourself up?

I’m a big believer in taking the time to feel the full extent of my feelings in order to get better. So if I’m having a bad day(s), I wallow for as long as I need to until I feel like myself again. Nothing like a hard, long cry; some journaling; a self-administered pep talk; a day spent doing whatever I want; and a heavy dose of super sad songs to lift the spirits!  

11. What is the best advice you've ever been given?

Nothing specific comes to mind but I do love a good motivational quote and have found them to be effective reminders of how I want to live my life. Right now, for the moments I beat myself up for not working harder or doing more with every free minute I have, I’ve been drawn to quotes that remind me that “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.  That everything worth doing takes time. Sam Lamott’s June 5th, 2017 post on Hello Humans ended with a sentence I love—”Being unstoppable has nothing to do with speed”. He was speaking more to people battling depression and suicidal thoughts but I’ve repeated that line to myself every time I get down about not achieving some goal within a certain timeline. Just gotta keep chipping away at it.

12. Who would you like to see interviewed here?

The women in my life are just killing it. Small sampling; My friend Anna Varghese, director of the TED Prize.  Megan Haseltine, director at NYU Langone Medical Center, working to increase women of color’s access to breast cancer screenings. Courtney Mitchell, development director at Travis Manion Foundation, a nonprofit that empowers and supports veterans and their families. Janet Kim, a woman so multi-talented, she has fashion designer, painter, recording artist, and UX designer on her resume. Kellan Anderson, executive producer and partner at Harbor Picture Company, a powerhouse film and production company based in NYC. Emily Fleisher, the development director at Manhattan Theater Club, who turned me into the Broadway fan I am today....

Emem Offong is an entertainment and pop-culture aficionado who spends her days helping readers navigate mentalfloss.com successfully. She loves Brooklyn, Belgian beers, extra crispy fries and Dough doughnuts. 

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