#this randomly came to me in my apush class

[hurdy-girly]

Okay what if I made a dc au but the only difference is that Jason Todd wrote a (mostly joking) will for himself before he died that included his wish to be buried holding a real sword and Bruce honored that wish so when Jason wakes up from his extended nap he crawls out of his grave while wielding a super ornate sword that he refuses to let go of and so. Everything is the same, mostly, same character progression and all, he also just has this sword that he refuses to let anyone touch

And maybe there will be something with them realizing he’s Jason cause he has the sword but I’ve not gotten that far yet lol

[mysterystarz]

same! i'm taking pre-calc early, so i'll be taking calc next year too </3 with the same teacher probably and i literally dislike him sm- he's the football coach so he basiclaly just yells during the entire period💀

and omg wait?? a 3D boy?? i'd love to hear about it if you'd like to tell🥰 kinda jealous you have a 3d boy bestie😩

that’s rough but i know youve got this!!

ahh yes 3d boy — he’s not exactly mine per se but we do have a history and i will sum this up as quick as i can under the cut so you know what he’s like and stuff

okay so he and i have known each other for 2 years now and basically started off as acquaintances, but then due to some shenanigans and some old toxic friends of ours became rivals

then after i left that group and stuff we became friends and got pretty close until quarantine happened and we decided to pair for all of our schoolwork and projects and talked all the time

then we drifted

then we have classes together again this year and it took a while but we’re definitely friends again!

so we’ve been pretty chill for the past month without me seeking him out or whatever and it’s been fine, but randomly over these past two days he’s been so much sweeter? like 🥺

let me list some stuff he did ::

- he asked me to edit his essay and the two of us sat across from each other and i giggled at his phrasing’s and he was laughing with me and we had a good convo with that (hands brushed accidentally twice but none of us really cared)

- today in apush, psat scores came out and we basically were discussing our scores and stuff and basically said “if the psats were a partner test, we would’ve aced it” and i asked “you’d pick me as a partner? but yes it would’ve been good and we would’ve done well” and he goes “yeah. who else would i choose in the class?” and proceeds to sort of break down why

it was actually quite touching

- my friend and i were walking out of precalc and leaving school when i caught him in the vicinity behind me so i turned around and asked him how his math quiz went so we were standing and walking and talking and my friend saw this and went “have fun!~” and bolted off before i could say anything

he was unfazed and we kept walking until this intersection area and he asked me which was my bus was. his was in the opposite direction, but he walked with me through my bus and we were talking and he waved bye and we went our own ways after that

and he texted and called me today too

so yes

and his personality is almost exactly like kuroo’s

so yes here we are

[naiveandexperienced]

the beginning of the end.

for those of you who remember, i said i would post my final draft of my letter to alex when i got closer to my graduation date. although it's still three months away, i'm satisfied with the final draft of said letter so i will go ahead and post it now. i'm not going to give this to him. here we go:

I honestly don’t know where to start with this letter. You don’t know how many times I have written and rewritten every single word. I have decided that this is going to be my final draft whether I like it or not. Forgive me if it gets all over the place; my thought process when I’m feeling emotional isn’t very coherent. I guess, let me start off by saying that I wish this could be written better. I wish it could sound sophisticated and meaningful but frankly, my mindset is incapable of finding eloquent ways to express my feelings. I suppose a written letter is better than me attempting to speak to you; that would not go well. It’s sad that I still haven’t been able to properly talk to you after knowing you for two school years. Anyways, time for me to pour my heart out in this farewell letter.

Truth be told, I didn’t quite like you when I first came into your AP European History class. It’s not that I disliked you; you just intimidated me. You intimidated me from the first time I met you during orientation, when it was just me and you in your classroom. You intimidated me from forty feet down the hallway. Even during school assemblies, with all of those hundreds of people, your presence still intimidated me. I say ‘intimidated’ like it’s past tense but you still do, if I’m being honest.

Do you want to know what changed and why I so obviously became attached to you?

I doubt you remember, but some kid (Andre or Connor probably) pronounced ‘gif’ incorrectly and you told him that if he pronounced it like that again you would hang yourself with the blinds in your classroom. I know that it’s kind of odd but that is a really fond memory to me. It made me realize that you weren’t as scary as I thought and that you have the millennial sense of humor that I’m so comfortable with. It’s a weird feeling, being so comfortable around someone yet on edge at the same time.

It’s exhilarating.

It’s exhausting.

Being around you is so exhausting but I wouldn’t change it for the world because you have taught me so much. You got me motivated when I just wanted to give up. I wanted to try and succeed, which is something that had been buried for so long. I wanted to make you proud. I know that in the second semester of last year I failed at that.

When I got suspended I wasn’t thinking about myself; I was just thinking about you (which is idiotic, I'm aware).

I was devastated because I knew that I had disappointed you. I didn’t want you to see me as an idiotic child who couldn’t care less about succeeding. I didn’t want you to think less of me. The logical part of me would tell myself everyday that you would understand that people make mistakes but I was still terrified.

Even as I write this now (August 3rd, 2019; 2:55 AM), I still don’t know if I can stand to see you when school starts. Part of me wants you to be mad at me because I deserve it. I want you to tell me you’re disappointed in me. I want you to tell me this because that would mean you noticed and you actually cared. Another, larger part if terrified because I know that the truth is, you probably don’t care enough to get angry with me or to feel anger about what I did (if you do in fact know why I was suspended; if you don’t, long story short, I had a drinking problem and it finally caught up with me). You won’t tell me you were disappointed with my actions or that you forgive me because you’re not as deeply invested in me as I am you.

I’m just another student and that’s perfectly okay with me.

Of course it hurts, but I would rather have my heart broken a million times than have the possibility of your happiness being taken away from you. Seeing you happy is all I need to be at peace with my emotions. Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.

With that being said, I probably acted distant and indifferent to you throughout the year. I don’t know yet since I’m writing this before school even starts—it’s pathetic, writing about the end before it’s even begun. I have made a promise to myself to just treat you like any other teacher because if I allow myself any flicker of warmth, I know I will just fall back into this overwhelming pit. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings (I doubt it will). It’s okay if you feel relieved (I expect you to). Addendum (August 25th, 2019): This letter was written under the impression that I would be in your government class, which I obviously was not. I don’t know why because I switched from AP to CP as soon as I heard that you were teaching CP Government this year and I put in a request to specifically be placed in your class with my counselor. She did that for me last year when I transferred to your APUSH class instead of Mrs. Wilson’s. With the new policy, I won’t be able to switch out of any of my classes next semester to take AP Human Geography or something that you might be teaching. I have a TA block next semester but it’s during first period and if it hasn’t changed, first period is your planning period. Plus even if it wasn’t, it is so hard to TA for you. A lot of people want to be your TA!

Now this is the part where you probably want to stop because having someone confess the whole truth to you is something that a lot of people can’t handle. The only reason that I feel comfortable enough to tell all of this to you is because you are one of the few people that I can 100% trust. I grasp onto the thought that you still stand by what you said about never getting mad at me ever with every coming sentence.

The saddest part about unrequited love is that you always try. Even as I tell myself to shut out anything other than teacher worthy emotions, I find myself clutching onto a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe you could love me back.

Please understand that although I did and do have feelings for you, everything that I did for you was not me trying to make you uncomfortable or seduce you or something like that. I would never never never want to do that to you. I truly did those things because I liked to make you happy. I love to do things for the people I love.

I don’t think you realized how devastated I was that time I got called to Student Services about you. I was so distraught that I had pushed too far and made you upset. Just the thought of me being the cause of you experiencing negative emotions makes me so upset with myself. I was so close to crying when I came into your classroom to ask if I did something wrong. Then you told me that everything was okay and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed it. You made me believe it.

I know I’ll miss you forever because the parts of you I have seen are some of the most beautiful pieces of a person that I have ever known. A wonderful quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald goes, “Suddenly, she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.” That quote flickers through my head a lot these days and I think it is very fitting for me and how our time is coming to an end. Even though we will never be together, it warms my heart to know that a person like you exists.

It’s weird to think about all of the things that I think about when it comes to you. It’s weird that I’m even writing this letter to you, which you have probably already stopped reading and have thrown it away or given it to administration or something of the like. None of it matters though because even if you have or haven’t stopped, I’m going to get everything out that I need to.

For starters, you confuse me. I doubt it was your intention but some of the things you said to me made me overthink everything. You randomly told me one day after I brought you coffee, and I quote, “Don’t ever worry about making me mad, okay? You could never make me mad.” You even repeated it to me when I didn’t respond to you the first time. You know what I did after that? I took that little bone and ran with it like a starving puppy. Then when I jokingly told Faith to tell you that I love you and you said you loved me too. Then at the Black and White, when I swear time froze when we saw each other for the first time that night. And then when you placed me in my AP Euro seat at the beginning of APUSH, when you were seating us alphabetically by last names and when you got to my seat you were still at the ‘Cs’ but you put me there instead, in the front row and the place you lecture in front of the most. All of those moments mean so much to me even though I know they were thoughtless to you.

Secondly, you ignite me. I know I said this earlier, but I am going to repeat myself because I mean it with every fiber of my being. You motivated me again. You were the only reason I kept coming to school when all I wanted to do was quit. It was so easy for me to get away with not coming to school but when I got into your class, I never wanted to leave. I was actually so disappointed every day I missed school because I wouldn’t get to see you that day.

Lastly, I love you. I love you in a way that I want you to succeed with everything in your life. I love you in a way that I want you to always be happy and content. I love you in a way that is so foreign to me because it is completely selfless. If you asked anything of me, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. That’s a scary thought to know that you have so much power over me. The only reason I can tell you all of this is because I know you won’t abuse it or me.

I wish I had more time with you. I could sit in those stupid, uncomfortable desks 24/7 and listen to you talk about history, politics, whatever else you wanted for the rest of my life and never be satisfied with the amount of time spent with you.

Although we will most likely never talk again after graduation, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me. You will always be important to me. I will fade from your memory but I want you to know that you will never fade from mine.

that's the end!

i feel like the letter is really all over the place but i think it does a great job reflecting my mindset and emotions when it came to him. i use past tense here because i have been thinking over a few things for a while. i am not going to be updating on this blog anymore and i am closing it down. i know that i've said this before in the past, but i truly do believe that i have lost feelings for alex now. since my last update, i actually saw him quite a bit and i... didn't feel anything? people change and mature and i believe that i have done that. thanks so much for taking the time to read that monstrosity as well as go on this tiring journey with me through the latter half of my high school years. it means a lot.

please remember to stay safe! thanks again!

[jjorgee]

Dear Hunter

God, I don’t know why I’m writing this. I thought about you today, I used to think about you a lot (sorry if that’s weird) but I don’t anymore. You’ll probably never read this or figure this out but I just wanna be free and finally tell my story about you.

I first saw you in APUSH junior year of HS the day I started at a new school. Cute. Blonde. Basically my type. Somehow I was lucky and got to sit in front of you and that day I remember you said “Wow a new kid, we never have one of those” or something along those lines and I thought “Wow he acknowledged my existence I might die.” But of course I was in the closet so I probably told myself that I just had a friend crush on you.

A few weeks went by and I switched my schedule around and I got into the same math class as you. That’s where I remember you first talking to me. “Cool, Jorge is here! Hey Jorge!” I don’t know why you were so excited that I was there but damn you got more and more friendly and excited around me, I swear you were either flirting with me or weirdly obsessed with me. You’d just constantly say hi to me randomly and try to talk to me. I think you liked that I was into Harry Potter and thought we might become good friends over it. You were obsessed with Harry Potter. I mean, so was I, who isn’t? But you were over the top in love with the series and I thought that’s I was a crazed HP fan. So we got to know each other a little better and I was excited to be talking to you, even though you were always a talker, you’d talk non-stop about anything and everything. I thought it was cute at first.

That summer you wanted to hang out with me as much as possible. You texted me every day to hang out downtown or get Starbucks or go to the park. I liked that you were so interested in me, until I actually started hanging out with you. I couldn’t get one word into the conversation whenever we talked or rather, you talked. I loved your enthusiasm and charm and your excitement for things and life, but I couldn’t share any of my own thoughts with you. So it turned me off and I decided that you probably weren’t the one for me, so I kind of ignored all your texts and messages, which btw sounded kinda flirty most of the time, and I stopped hanging out with you for a while. It felt like you liked me more than you liked your own girlfriend. I was so confused.

School started back up, senior year. It was a weird time. I came out that year. I felt a lot of sexual tension with a lot of guys. But the tension that I felt between you and me was the most frustrating. Now this is all speculation, and maybe just my imagination, but I swear, we didn’t talk much that year but it felt like we had our eyes set on each other. I tried to avoid you and forget about you but you kind of stole my heart again throughout the year. I felt like you were staring at me at times... like I stared at you sometimes before you looked my way, especially at lunch cuz you sat at the table next to ours. That’s probably why I couldn’t get over you, you were always there. I liked it and I hated it at the same time. I wanted you so badly. My stupid heart broke every day seeing you with another person. And I wanted you to know that. At the end of the year, you told me that we’d be going to the same community college. But your plans had changed and I was relieved and disappointed at the same time.

I think year went by without me seeing or talking to you after that. I finished my first year of college and then that summer, you randomly hit me up to hang out again. I wanted to give you a second chance, and even though I haven’t heard from you in a year, I thought about you a lot that year, so I said yes.

One day I was talking to my friend about you and how I was so confused and frustrated with you. I felt like the universe was trying to bring us together for some reason. Was it meant to be? Did you change? Would we fall in love somehow? It was a crazy and beautiful idea to think that I could fall in love with a boy like that.

Me and my friend were eating pizza while I told her about you and you randomly hit me up. It was crazy. You asked if I was busy or free to hang out and I told you I was with my friend. But right after we ate pizza we went to the pet store next door and guess who we ran into. You. Fucking you. There was no way you could have known where I was or that I was planning to go to that store!... I hope... that was weird. I thought it was a sign. Maybe we were meant to be...

After that, a few weeks went by and you hit me up again. You asked me to meet you at the park and I said yea. But I was freaking out. I was wishing and hoping that this was the day. The day you’d confess your feelings for me. The day I’d finally hold your hand and let you wrap your thick arms around me. I was so nervous and excited, it felt like a dream.

I walked to the park and saw you coming towards me with your bike. You looked so nice in your tank top and your cute little face and hair and smile. We met and you hugged me and I really wished that you didn’t let go of me. We walked over to a nice shady area under the summer sun and I was feeling the breeze and watching the leaves rustle and sway as if to say “good luck.” We sat on top of a picnic table and I was just mesmerized by you the entire time. I wished that you would’ve leaned in next to me or laid your head on my lap playfully or just stopped talking for a second and looked into my eyes as we leaned in closer and closer until we finally kissed... but no... you told me that you were leaving for the Marines. My heart sank.

Why? How could you do this to me? I just watched and listened as you told me what led you to want to leave and it was heart-breaking. You said that she was the only reason that kept you there and now that you’ve broken up, you were okay with leaving everything behind and training in hell and living in Virginia for a year or two while I was processing everything that you were saying. So you did leave.

And you didn’t only leave, you changed. You changed into someone that was different from the positive bubbly person I met and fell hard for. Once you came back, I didn’t know what would happen if I saw you again. And there were times we ran into each other and times that I thought I saw you but I saw you in a different light. And you got a new girlfriend, too.

I was mad. I felt like I was led on. I felt like I wasted so much time investing all these feelings for you. And I questioned why I ever liked you in the first place. Did you have any feelings for me at all? Was it all in my head? Were you just weirdly obsessed with me and wanted to be my friend? It’s probable. But there were so many things.....

So now I don’t really know what I think of you. But I hope you’re doing okay... I just think about you in times like this when I’m lonely and wanna remember a time that feels most like a love story I never had... I hope that I can have a real love story and not just wonder what could have been... but thanks for making me feel like I had something back then. Maybe I needed it. I kinda miss you. Take care.