#this probably reads like dogshit and probably has loads of pacing issues but

[birdymuses]

💫 ( for Hanako? :) )

Send me a 💫 and I'll set my music player on random. I'll then pick my favourite line from the song that comes on, and write a Drabble whole ass fic oops based on it.

Words: 3,001

“I like you so much that it scares me,” he admitted, because he was a sinner and this was a sin and Nene’s arms were a confessional he’d gladly rot inside of.

To live, we're dying Why wouldn't we see our world as dark? But I won't spend time Resenting the way things are  ♫

He looked at her sideways under the plump passing clouds, breeze blowing her hair around in a flurry as little rays of sunlight danced across her upturned face. This show in itself was so captivating to Hanako that only the threat of Nene’s ire was enough to turn his gaze away from her.  It happened the same way all the time.  She’d glance over and he’d settle down innocently, eager to appear natural and unassuming, and then he’d be’d be back just the same the moment she seemed preoccupied. 

Afternoons on the roof included a lot of this sort of thing lately.  Lots of “studying,” lots of goofing around, laughs and glances, tit for tat.  Today looked to be about the same as always, save for the a row of gloomy clouds on the horizon. Way off in the distance loomed the threat of a dark end to their expanse of August blue. Picturesque as the the afternoon was, he supposed a storm couldn’t hurt. Even if it sent them back inside, it didn’t matter as long as he could be with Nene. And for now, he could be with Nene, if only for a little while longer. Hanako resolved that he wouldn’t spend time resenting the way things are.

It was a shame, though --the storm that came today, and the storm he knew he’d bring tomorrow.  It would be a study camp for the ages, at least.  One passed down as legend from student to student for at least a year or three.  Nene would be mad at him as long as she had the wherewithal to, but even that would pass. After all, everything had to end, didn't it? Even this. Everything would always end around him even as he remained forever doomed to stay the same.

Lost in thought, Hanako nearly failed to notice Yashiro’s lack of commentary for this particular afternoon, but once he did notice, the silence was deafening. She had grown so quiet that Hanako feared he might need to roll over to wake her before the rain came in. Just as he sat up to do so, the familiar lilt of her voice broke the silence.

"Do you have regrets?"

Her voice was soft, reverently so, and she seemed to be deep in thought about something.  He frowned. He did his best to read her question, coming up short in every respect.  

"Regrets?" Hanako asked.

"Yeah, like...before you died. Were there things you wanted to do?"

Hanko balked at that, stuttering, buying time   Some sick, needy part of him knew exactly where this was going and knew that he couldn’t bear for it to go there.  On any other day it would be easy to grab hold of this conversation, to joke and lie in some bombastic manner that would make it all go away, but he couldn't shake the feeling that today was different. Her face remained alarmingly neutral, giving Hanako the distinct impression she wouldn’t let him slide this time.  Her eyes bore into him, almost as though knowing that this was the last day they’d ever have to talk about this.

"You're not going to die," Hanako said direct and dismissively. He thumped back down onto the pavement. "I don't want to talk about this again."

"But if I do, die!" Nene huffed defensively, pushing up abruptly on her hands. “When I do!” 

She loomed over him, scowling, and Hanako dared to think that she was pretty even then. Even clenched up and hot to the gills with irritation, she couldn’t escape being that way. 

"I don't have much time left. You said it yourself! You said--"

"You're not going to die!" Hanako repeated impatiently. He rolled over to avoid her glare, which grew all the more dagger-like with each passing second. “I’ll make sure of it. You wont have regrets because you're gonna live a long life and find your first job and meet a hot guy and have a happy family and find all the time in the world for everything and anything you could ever want. You'll--"

Hanako snapped to silence, his teeth clattering painfully as he felt himself pulled back to face Nene. Leaving his gakuran unbuttoned had been a mistake, he noted, now effectively leashed by the permanent school tie he wore.  The end of it was wrapped daintily around Nene’s palm, and her eyes glinted with a terrifying willingness to use it. He nearly found the voice to protest when Nene cut him off.

“Would you stop talking for once and just listen?”

Hanako’s jaw clamped shut immediately.

“Be honest with me. Why do you care so much?” Nene asked, her vise grip insisting upon his prompt and direct answer all the while. “If I die, I mean. I don’t have much time to figure this out and you won’t even let me talk about it. You’re the only person I could ever talk to who has experience with this, so why...?”

Hanako’s eyes had blown wide now, expecting something like comeuppance but wholly unprepared for the force of it. When he didn’t speak up fast enough, Nene continued, her tone growing frantic.

“Answer me! You’re a ghost, so why should you care if I live or die?  What does it matter? It’s not--”

“It matters,” Hanako interjected, though he struggled to supply a reason. It shouldn’t matter, at least not to him. By all accounts Nene’s life was equally meaningless as his own, equally meaningless as anyone else’s, but...

“It just does,” Hanako said, his voice barely a whisper. “I wont let you die. So please, let’s not...”

Releasing the tie, Nene sighed deeply and settled back on the pavement.  She seemed to recognize the brick wall before her as she pulled her knees to her chest, clearly unsatisfied, but apparently unwilling to have this argument again.  All of a sudden it was over, just like that, quickly as it had begun.  Hanako couldn’t do a mental victory lap, though, not while watching her deflate mere feet from him.  He fidgeted guiltily, glancing between her and the view overhead.

“It matters,” He repeated at length. After a long few moments the silence between them had somehow circled back to being comfortable enough to break.  Nene was good at that, Hanako observed. Making everybody comfy even when she could rightfully strangle them right then and there. Making everybody at home even when they didn’t deserve it. It was this kind of ease between them that made Hanako entirely too honest, and he shoved himself to say something before he could could think better of it. 

“The world is lucky to have people like you living in it.” he said. “If I had known somebody like you when I was alive, I think maybe I would have had fewer regrets. So...take a long time.”

Take a long time to live. Take a long time to die. Take whatever time is needed to be free of the Near Shore when everything finally ends. Take every precaution to never end up wayward spirit, shackled for all eternity to a toilet. But Nene didn’t move, apparently not satisfied by that answer either.

Pulling the brim of his hat down over his eyes, he sighed.

“Sorry...”

“It’s okay,” Nene replied, a little too immediately for Hanako’s taste. The afternoon stretched on in agonizing slow motion.

The two lay in silence for a time, feigning some semblance of a usual day. As the clouds above knotted together in groups much thicker than before, Hanako wished he could be the same.  He wished he could be knotted up somewhere, blending in and blowing by, not sticking out or prodding as the thorn he was doomed to be.  The sky took on a drab gray and Hanako dimmed to match.

“I like you, you know?”

Hanako jolted up, nearly bashing his skull against Nene’s in the process. She was beside now, her face suddenly every inch as close as her voice led him to believe. Somehow, Hanako hadn’t noticed her drawing near.  She grinned at his reaction, apparently delighted to have the upper hand for once, and batted playfully at the brim of his cap. The offending article tipped off of Hanako before he could catch it, leaving him exposed under Yashiro’s attention. He stifled a grin of his own. Her nerve was unfortunately always a delight.

“I like you, too,” he mumbled back. Because of course he did. Because it was normal and completely unprovocative for a friend to like their friend, and anybody with a pulse could immediately identify Miss Nene Yashiro as likable. Anybody with a pulse, and at least a handful without. The plausible deniability of it all might have been wonderfully deafening were the beating of Nene’s heart not doubly so.

The girl brightened somewhat and took Hanako’s hands in hers. She settled down on her knees within Very Serious Heart to Heart distance, apparently dead set on whatever point she had come over to make.

“I’m sorry you have regrets,” she began. Hanako nodded, indicating that he was in fact listening this time, even if it meant ignoring the powerful urge to contest that assertion.

“I’m going to die one day, whether you like it or not. Maybe today, or tomorrow, or next month...”

Hanako opened his mouth, but immediately snapped it shut again when he felt a warning yank at his tie.

“Even if it’s in 90 years!” she insisted, effectively neutering his commentary, “It doesn’t make a difference. I’ve decided that when I die, I don’t want to have any regrets. So starting right now, I’m going to do everything I want to do. Even the stuff that’s scary. And that means saying what I want to say even though it might turn out embarrassing.”

Nene was glowing scarlet now, her body shaking with the force of all the teenage hormones she had gathered to forge into this raw willpower.  Her newfound gall was now a bludgeoning weapon, and Hanako its waiting victim. He gave her fingers a light squeeze, mentally pawing at anything he could think of slow this obvious freight train of a conversation.  Its approach eclipsed everything, loud and speeding, promising to flatten every single protective measure he’d put in place up to now.  Impulsively, he interrupted.

“You’ve already said that though. Before. You’ve said it, so it’s a silly thing to regret.”  Don’t think about me. Don’t regret me.  Don’t become attached to me.

Nene’s expression fell, unimpressed. It was the kind of face that had played games like this before--the ones where he derailed her point-- and she very clearly wasn’t interested in playing again.

“I wanted to say it again,” she defended, indignant. “I like you. I’ll say it as many times as I need to if you’re gonna keep being a dummy about it.”

She pushed him roughly, and Hanako grinned despite the turmoil inside him. His escape was suddenly in sight. He could make it embarrassing. He could make it a game. Playing in was the way out.

“Why do you like a dummy so much?” he teased, sitting up to take her hands again. He narrowed his gaze, practically daring her to say something sincere in this intimate position. Anything that he could gawk and laugh in her face about.  Nene, familiar with this tactic, deflected.

“Why do I like a dummy so much?” she huffed aloud. Hanako was about to answer, when her face softened to something uncomfortably frank.

“Don’t tease me about it.”

A beat passed between them, and like that it was settled.

“...okay.”

He was always powerless against Nene’s wishes, it turned out. Ghost abilities notwithstanding.

The two sat in another uncomfortable silence, neither willing to engage again even inches apart. Even hand in hand.  Nene’s frustration was always tangible in moments like these, thick and heavy in the air, a weight slamming down on Hanako’s shoulders and anchoring him for the remainder of the day. It wasn’t unfamiliar, he supposed. Even before Nene, plenty of people had tried and failed to get a satisfying conclusion out of him. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that dealing with him was akin to pulling teeth. It wasn’t like he didn’t do it on purpose.  Nene wasn’t the first and likely wouldn’t be last, so why did it sting so much?  He sighed, tightening his grip on her hands.

“I’ll say it again, too. If you want.”

No. 

No, no, no, don’t do that. But Hanako was too selfish, too cowardly to do anything else. Not when every fiber of his being screamed to see her smiling again.

“I like you, Yashiro.”  Releasing her hands, he moved to put his arms around her.  “I like you a lot.”

Nene returned the hug immediately, emboldening that mongrel, clinging thing that thumped at Hanako’s heart, howling and whining for him to just fucking be honest for once. He inhaled deep, vomiting the words before he could stop himself.

“I like you so much that it scares me,” he admitted, because he was a sinner and this was a sin and Nene’s arms were a confessional he’d gladly rot inside of. “I like you so much that I daydream now, every day. And I have something to look forward to, every day. And I barely think about anything else lately, and I...”

Hanako trailed off, gasping desperately at air he did not need, trying to collect himself, trying to land on something. A point maybe? A reason for puking his metaphorical guts all over someone who would surely suffer for it.

“And, and...I need a next life, because I’m not satisfied to know you just once.”

Nene was stock still when he pulled away, her eyes blown wide, startled by a sincerity he’d never once offered even to her. For all her prodding, she apparently hadn’t foreseen anything quite so explosive as this.  Then,

CRACCCK!!

A loud boom shook both of them from their stalemate, and Hanako looked away just in time to see a flash of lightning in the distance. All the fluffy clouds had turned dark now, signaling the imminence of rain.

“My rosemary!” Nene gasped, before remembering that she was in the middle of something kind of important.

“Hanako, I--”

“Go!” he said before he could stop himself. Before he could stop her. “Go get your plant, it’s fine!”

“I can’t just--”  Nene glanced frantically between Hanako’s face and the garden below. The rest of the gardening club had almost certainly gone home by now, so their rosemary had little hope other than Nene herself if it wanted to avoid being drowned alive. Still, she didn’t seem eager to move. “Are you sure?”

Hanako nodded fiercely as the first drops began to fall. 

“It’s fine, I don’t need another murder on my conscience. Get your plant.”  He tried to smile, but couldn’t find the heart to.

Nene hesitated only a second longer before giving a reluctant nod.

“Okay.”

Then, with no preamble to speak of, Nene threw herself around Hanako once more, leaving a ferocious peck on his cheek.  She whispered a hurried “thank you” before giving a firm squeeze. Then, just as quickly she pushed away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” she called, sprinting to the stairs, glowing brighter than he’d ever seen her. No rosemary plants would come to harm this day, and nor a single Yashiro so long as she didn’t fling herself down the stairs too hard.  Hanako wasn’t sure he could say the same for himself.

And just like that he found himself alone, burning supernova, alight with the shock of it all.  His eyes began to flood all on their own, attuned to the joy and horror that clashed inside of him in equal measure. Even as he tried to focus on the front of the school, the flood did not stop. He blinked hard, fixing his gaze on the same place as always, at the entrance where Nene would eventually appear, panting and calling at the guard to please wait just a second before closing the gate for the evening.  She’d ran into that guard a lot lately.  They’d been cutting things close lately. He’d let them cut things close.

Before long the sky tore open in earnest, but Hanako didn’t move. Even when he saw Nene at the gate, even after she was long gone, he remained affixed to the spot, soaked to the bone well before it occurred to him to become intangible.  How could he have possibly let this happen?  

He only had to wait one more day, and he couldn’t even do that much.  One more day, twenty four measly hours, and Nene would have gone to study camp and things would worked themselves out. She’d be free of him forever, completely unaware of just how much she’d gained, unaware and happy, free, and alive.  But Hanako couldn’t just give without taking, could he?  That was how these things worked, after all. There was always a price when it came to wishes.

The storm that was always brewing in Hanako’s heart was real now, raging unbidden through his body, whirling overhead and pulling the leaves from nearby trees.  Maybe he could just...not go through with it. Maybe he could stay here and Yashiro could live or die or whatever she wanted, and they could like and like and like each other all they wanted, and then...

He sniffled, stifling a sob.

No, that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? To keep being selfish. To let Nene waste all her time on somebody who had no time of their own left. To let her become tethered to this place, doomed to haunt it forever just like him. Doomed to live a wasted life and die a miserable death.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. He couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t be selfish again.  This was just how things had to be, he thought, dragging himself into the stairwell at long last. Tomorrow somebody’s time would run out, but he’d see to it that it wasn’t hers.  There was no sense in fighting it. This is just the way things are.  

And I wont spend time resenting the way things are.