#this post is severely incomplete in terms of my thought process behind it but i really really need to do homework so I can't just sit here-

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

i think beastars would've worked way better if the desire to eat the meat of herbivores by hunting them down and killing them wasn't inherent to all carnivores and wasn't this like... weird uncontrollable urge. as a story that muses on what would happen if an animal society with parallels to ours existed, its an interesting concept but it falls apart -really- fast when people attempt to compare it to the racial dynamics of our reality (the author heavily advises against this, but I think it's a significant issue if people continue to think of it this way regardless of her intent). and it also falls apart when considering something like harm reduction and rehabilitation. with the latter point i would chalk that up to an issue of execution and lack of understanding on the author's part

god this post is so much longer than I thought it'd be uhhh

carnivores viewing herbivores as a potential food source is something that's considered inherent to being a carnivore. Not the craving for meat or adequate sustenance, but viewing another sentient living being as food which i think is a significant difference. It's treated as a matter of fact within the text and isn't disputed in any real way. In fact, a lot of the really ... "questionable" (understatement) societal dynamics are presented as like. just being the way things are with characters accepting it without any real heavy objection to it in some instances (there is a specific story in beast complex I'm thinking about right now). Haven't even touched upon the gender bioessentialism but maybe I'll get to that in another post

There's a strange sort of Both Ways dynamic between carnivores and herbivores where herbivores have the significant disadvantage in physical strength but outnumber carnivores by a large margin. Herbivores are also significantly more represented in some career prospects while carnivores have to follow social rules to be as non-threatening as possible. (As a note female carnivores are presented as straight up not being as dangerous or aggressive as the male ones. and while there are ones that predated on herbivores they're portrayed as mentally unwell or manipulative, or in some cases their predation has a twinge of sexuality to it... male carnivores generally are portrayed with a bout maliciousness in their predator instincts until they receive treatment and "go back to normal")

Let me summarize what I think wouldve been far more interesting to consider: how punitive justice doesn't work to prevent crime and doesn't stop people from repeating crimes, how people who lack resources are driven to desperation and how that can enable them to commit violent acts, how oppression isn't born out of fear of the oppressed group but rather a means of seeking domination over the oppressed group.

I really hesitate to put carnivores in the role of an oppressed group and with what i can gather from beastars I'm starting to think that was avoided on purpose, but I'd have to reread it in order to give a better analysis

I think it'd be interesting overall if the issue was that carnivores aren't getting enough sustenance and in turn are quite malnourished. Maybe they didn't eat meat of herbivores but instead the meat of non-sentient fish, but that was viewed as a slippery slope that leads to eating herbivores. Stuff like synthetic meat or anything resembling meat (and like the manga, stuff like bugs not counting) was banned. So even though fish meat would be a worthwhile option to consider, it is still illegal due to moral views despite the illegality causing far more damage to society as a whole. This could Still be like, not ideal in a story sense I feel like but as beastars exist right now it's much more concerning

I've read the entire manga and yes I know fish meat was considered a solution at the end but the whole thing was so fuckin flimsy that it felt like a bandaid solution to the problems that were portrayed in the beginning

[bookburnt]

a primer course on T.MA for my mutuals who followed me from other blogs and would like to know what the fuck i’m talking about!  (hi, guys.  love you.)  GONNA BE SPOILER-HEAVY IN HERE.

First off, big ups to the T.MA wiki, which you can consult on anything here, but this post is intended to serve as a very basic overview of the concepts relevant to this blog without forcing y'all to go into wiki levels of detail.  The first part of this post is some general TMA terms and concepts, and the second part is some characters who have been relevant to Gerry's story specifically.  If you're here for a better understanding of Gerry’s arc and don't care so much about the worldbuilding, scroll down to where I start talking about “who’s...?” and that should help you out.

what’s a “Leitner?”  A Leitner is a book but spooky.  They make bad things happen and, optionally, give you weird powers.  They're usually tied to one of the fourteen(ish) Entities, which I will get into in a bit.  Gerard hates these goddamn books, and has a knack for finding them and destroying them.  His mother, Mary Keay, ran an antique bookstore that did serious business in them.

what’s an “avatar?” An avatar is a (former?) human working closely with one of the Entities. Over time, the influence of their Entity changes them, often granting them certain powers in exchange for a psychological and physiological need to serve their Entity.

what are these “Entities?” / what’s this “Hunt?”  Put as simply as possible, the Entities are, like... fear elementals.  There are roughly 14 different entities, though the boundaries between them aren’t clearly drawn in all circumstances.  As follows, a quick overview:

The Eye. Fear of being surveiled.  The need to know the answers to questions that may destroy you.  The Eye is tied to the Magnus Institute. Its avatars can have the ability to magically Know things, understand all languages, and compel others to answer any questions they ask.  Gerry was tied to the Eye and had some capacity for Knowing stuff, but wasn’t fully its avatar - or if he was, he refused to feed it, which must have hastened his death.

The Desolation.  Fire, but without the warm fuzzy bits.  Pure unhinged destruction.  Desolation avatars can and will set you on fire with their minds.  Gerry’s extensive burn scars are the result of fucking around with a Desolation cultist and finding out.   (The cultist also fucked around with Gerry and found out.  He’s not around anymore.)  

The Hunt.  Being tracked by something that won't stop until it kills you.  The thrill of the chase.  Hunt avatars are capable of killing other avatars, even those who would otherwise be unkillable.  The possibility of Gerry being tied to the Hunt is never discussed in canon, but I’ve got my theories.  (That last phrase is a link to a post discussing those theories, it just isn't showing up like a link on desktop for some reason.)

The End.  Death and dying.  Manifestations of the End often involve disruptions of the natural processes of life and death.  For instance, the fucked-up necromancy book that Gerry got trapped in after dying was an outcropping of the End.

The Corruption.  Bugs, disease, rot, etc.  The Corruption's avatars may spread disease wherever they go, or they might just be chock full of worms.  Potential of controlling a worm army.

The Flesh.  The inherent weirdness of existing in a body.  Cannibalism. Flesh avatars may be hulking, twisted parodies of the human form.  They might steal your bones, turn you inside out, eat you, or all of the above.

The Distortion.  The inherent weirdness of existing in a mind.  Doors that shouldn't be there.  Getting lost.  Being unable to trust your own thoughts.  Distortion avatars look, well, distorted when seen in reflections or through glass.  Will probably try to get you to go through a door that wasn't there before.  You won't like what's on the other side.

The Slaughter.  War.  Violence.  Man's inhumanity to man.  The Slaughter often manifests in groups as well as in individuals, so you could get an episode of mass hysteria where an entire small town turns to butchering one another, or you could get an office assistant who just aches to do murder.

The Web.  Spiders.  Being controlled by external forces.  Can operate in extremely subtle ways.  Can also just be an unkillable spider who wants you to have a bad time.

The Vast.  Really big things.  Heights.  Your own terrifying insignificance on the cosmic scale.

The Buried.  Claustrophobia.  Being buried alive.

The Lonely.  Being completely alone.  Like, completely alone, and never coming back.

The Dark. What it says on the tin.

The Stranger.  Something that's not quite right.  A joke that you're not in on.  Clowns and/or mannequins that might kill you and take your skin.

BONUS: The Extinction. While the other 14 fears have been established for a while (the most recent is the Flesh, which only really came into its own with the advent of mass meat farming), the Extinction is a nascent entity born of anxiety around the idea of the human race destroying itself, and/or being replaced by something else. The boundaries of what constitutes an Extinction manifestation, rather than just a warping of one of the other fears, are unclear.

what’s a “ritual?”  Rituals are ways the Entities’ followers and avatars try to influence the world, usually with the end goal of making our world somewhere their Entity can live and feast full-time instead of just sporadically popping in.

what’s the “fearpocalypse?”  The only successful ritual to date, as of the end of S4.  Possibly the only successful ritual ever, given that it ended the world as we know it and let all 14 fears fully through the gate to fuck everything all the way up.  The sky is full of eyeballs now and that's not even the biggest problem.  This happened a while after Gerry’s death, but I have a verse where, due to his previous ties to the End and the general befuckening, Gerry is brought back to have a bad time with everyone else.

who’s Mary Keay?  Gerard's mother, founder and proprietor of Pinhole Books.  Had ambitions of starting a dynasty of supernatural power, starting with her only son Gerard, who ended up having other ideas.  Flayed herself in a ritual to make herself “beyond death” via the fucked-up necromancy book mentioned earlier.  Gerard was primed to take the fall for her seeming murder, but was let go after the book disappeared from evidence and several key witnesses retracted their testimony.  Despite the ritual being incomplete, Mary remained tethered to the world of the living for five years before Gertrude Robinson finally wrapped that up.

who’s Gertrude Robinson?  Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, and a stone-cold BAMF with a habit of sacrificing those close to her for (her idea of) the greater good.  The late Eric Delano asked her to look after his son Gerry, so naturally she let him live in torment with his abuser’s revenant for five fucking years, then swooped in when he was truly desperate.  She got rid of Mary Keay for good, and got Gerard to travel the world with her attempting to prevent various apocalyptic rituals.  The two would often pose as mother and son to strangers.         Being tied to the Eye, Gertrude seemed to be aware of Gerard’s impending death.  After he passed away, she bound him into that fucked-up necromancy book and left him behind.  (More on that here.) Gertrude was shot to death about a year later while trying to burn the Magnus Institute down and thereby prevent its head, Elias Bouchard, from doing anything apocalyptic.  (Tragically, she did not succeed.  SEE:  “fearpocalypse.”)

who’s Eric Delano?  Gerry’s father.  Died too early to ever really get to know Gerry, despite the sacrifices he made to restructure his life for fatherhood.  (We don’t need to go into the why of it here, but he did have to gouge his eyes out to try to be a stay-at-home dad.  And he did it.  We stan.)  Unfortunately, he’d fallen in love with Mary Keay, who used him to produce an heir for her planned empire, then murdered him with a pair of garden shears and bound him into that fucked-up necromancy book.  She later passed his page off to Gertrude Robinson, who spoke with him.  In that conversation, he asked her to look after Gerry and begged her to burn his page, as being bound into the book was a world of suffering. 

who’s Jurgen Leitner?  A rich, reclusive Norwegian who thought it would be cool and smart to start a library explicitly for corralling forces beyond human comprehension.  (He was wrong, and also stupid.)  Collected spooky books and put his name in them, giving them their common name.  Gerard hates this guy, associating him with the books that dominated his mother’s mind and indirectly ruined his life.  He hunted Leitner down and nearly beat him to death for personal reasons.  Upon meeting Leitner, he came away with the impression that this was just a scared old man, and couldn’t possibly be actually responsible for Jurgen Leitner’s library.  Ultimately, he chose to spare Leitner's life.  Unless we're talking about my canon-divergent Hunter!Gerry au, in which case he did not.

        Anyways, hope this has been helpful.  There's... a lot going on in TMA, but hopefully I've hit the parts that are most relevant to my writing here.  If you have any questions about canon, please feel free to ask!

[icanseeyoufromhere]

Reconstruction, again

Here’s a fun experiment. Can a person write a reasonably coherent blog while blissed out on Percocet?

Let’s see...

Why, hello there. It’s been awhile since I wrote. To be fair, I’ve started three different posts in the recent past. I have not, however, finished any of them. They’re all in my draft box, waiting to be revisited. Still, I always find some reason to put them away again, incomplete, abandoned.

Sometimes I stop writing because of the hot flashes--the rapid onslaught of extreme heat that clouds my vision and provokes waves of nausea--that are now a part of my daily existence. (Early menopause is a real boob.)

Sometimes I stop because (Catholic? Female? Imposter syndrome-fueled?) guilt forces me back to my day job. I am officially behind on everything academia-related, and so my writing time should be focused there, not here.

Mostly, though, I think my writer’s bloc, if we can call it that, has been driven by the content of the posts I initiated. I was venturing into terrain that was less about physical changes--treatments, surgeries, jp drains--and more about processing the past year and everything that happened therein. Writing about that mental journey (ugh, I hate that term) is much more fraught than the mere description of the tangible consequences of cancer, I guess. 

Those posts will be written, I promise. But for now: Percocet! Oh yes. It’s pulsing through my veins yet again. It turns out that I’m not out of the woods just yet with recovery. My body, tired as it is, has had to endure yet another surgery. An emergency surgery--one that was planned just yesterday and executed early this morning.

For those who are keeping count (i.e., me), that makes four surgeries in under five months. I’m basically friends with the OR staff at this point. Operations are a part of who I am. 

So, what happened? 

Well, in a moment of (what we thought was) post-treatment optimism, my husband and I booked a week-long vacation to Playa del Carmen. We wanted to go somewhere and do nothing for several days. Nothing but swim, stare at the sea, sip on a margarita...oh, and take care of two small, wiggly children (of course). We had never taken an all inclusive vacation before. Our trips have always been of the active kind: go to places; see historical sites; walk, walk, walk. But, after the madness of the past year, we decided a different kind of vacation was in order. So we plunked down a pile of change up front; packed some bathing suits and sunblock; and hopped on a plane.

Oh my goodness. We are geniuses. This trip was perfection, even with two children. All-inclusives are like little bastions of paradise for parents. There were hotel-organized games, a kids’ pool, and beach toys to make sand castles. Our kids were delighted by the wild iguanas roaming the grounds, the ice cream that was available at every turn, and the elaborate theater performances each evening. We had unlimited snacks and drinks (milk for the kiddos; tequila for the parents). We didn’t even have to clean up the post-tornado-like mess of sand and toys and towels in our room. I didn’t want to leave. For six days, we really could relax, children and all. It was blissful. I was (and am) so grateful.

Okay, okay, but the percocet. THE PERCOCET. How did I get here?

So the one small catch of our vacation on the beach was that I was not allowed to submerge myself in any water (chlorinated or salty) above my hips. You see, a strange, circular, translucent spot of skin had developed on my right breast, where I still have the expander. I noticed this small circle a few days before our flight. In a moment of rare, proactive pragmatism (I’m really pretty lazy when it comes to post-op care), I decided to see my plastic surgeon. He gave me silver sulfadiazine, a cream that, when applied, increases blood flow to an area and can help strengthen fragile skin tissue. He then issued the water warning and sent me on my way, with a friendly bon voyage.

The thing is, silver cream and all, that little circular spot of skin grew. And grew. It expanded like a balloon, a swelling blister of skin tissue. 

(Do you want to see a picture? Actually, no. I think perhaps it’s too gross, even to be posted here, where I have shared so many of the gory details of my cancer treatment and recovery.)

Anyway, God bless my plastic surgeon. As I sent him almost daily pictures of the swollen growth on my breast (this kind of communication is like the opposite of sexting--”Here’s a picture of this God awful lesion on my boob. Oh yes, it’s oozing liquid. You’re welcome.”), he would tell me not to worry too much and enjoy my vacation. So I did.

When I finally saw him back in Tucson, the plastic surgeon told me the truth. The swollen blister-like growth was, in fact, a very big deal. It was very, very bad. The skin tissue was too fragile to support the expander. Blood flow was minimal. The alloderm that served as a buffer between the skin and the expander had, as a consequence, disintegrated. The papery thin skin tissue, which by then had ruptured, was sitting atop a troublesome cavity in my breast that would continue to grow, exposing my body to infection.

The only option was to remove the expander, wait for the skin to heal, and try to reconstruct the breast again. 

This turn of events, as common as it is with post-mastectomy reconstruction, was absolutely devastating. I have so much work left to do before I will be physically whole once more. I’ve lost two real breasts and now, with this surgery, a fake one. The healing process, even before we can reconstruct once more, can take months. My recovery is not behind me at all. There’s still so much more that my body must endure.

Thank god for the Percocet. I say this with the appropriate amount of respect that opioid use demands. I won’t be on it for long. But it’s allowed me to write this post--and process the enormity of this setback--with a certain amount of detachment, as if it weren’t really happening to me. 

Thank god, too, for vacation, and for plastic surgeons who let you enjoy that vacation before upending your foreseeable future with more incisions, more jp drains, more unknowns. 

My body must be reconstructed, again. And I must rebuild my outlook and my expectations for the future. 

By the way, and as a kind of postscript, allow me to emphasize that, lately, I have so many more good days than bad ones, even though I only seem to write about the latter. I know that my posts are heavy, both in terms of content and mood. I won’t apologize for this, because my goal with the blog has been to reveal the messiness and difficulties associated with a successful cancer journey (ugh, that word again). But I will focus on the positive in future posts. And I am, as ever, grateful that you accompany me as a write. Your time and attention are gifts. Thank you.

[amoralto]

Hi, I don't know if you remember but a few months ago i sent you an ask about john's preception of paul's supposed indifference in the media in the early 70s, and i was wondering if your still planning to respond? I mean if not thats totally cool, i just would be really interested if you have even incomplete fragments that you haven't posted (cause you posted a few in the past, i think?) Anyway, i really love what youre doing with this blog, have a great day!

Oh, I remember very well, my dear long-suffering anon, and at this appallingly ponderous rate I’ll probably have a response written up to my own fathomless standards within the next two years or so. 😞😓😩😖 I’m so very sorry; I’ve said so before, but it befits me to say it again. My overall productivity where @amoralto​ is concerned has ground to a halt this past couple of weeks for colourless personal reasons of depression and malaise, so I’m feeling awful about that as well. More fragments I can provide, though - they’re mostly just Thoughts From Several Years Ago, me looking up old notes I made when I was working on this response to your ask, but I hope it provides at least a modicum of entertainment:

I don’t prescribe to the idea of attributing someone’s entire personality to a specific, singular event, but the childhood experience of finding himself in the position of effectively having to choose, symbolically, between the love (and affection, guidance, trust, loyalty, presence) of his father and his mother, would have significantly impacted his ideological makeup and ingrained within young John Lennon a predisposition to see love as a zero-sum game where going with one means abandoning the other forever, and having it both ways is an impossible lie, because you’ve never had it both ways, and in fact, you will see to it personally that you won’t have it both ways, because you’d rather fuck it up yourself than let them fuck it up for you, because they will always leave you anyway. So I’d imagine that as a young John Lennon growing up in schism, comparing your household to others’ and painfully aware of what you don’t have that they do and vice versa and all else, you’d both justify the notion and rebel violently against it. Fulfill your own prophecies. Hence the impulsive, headlong infatuations with gurus, and the incensed, guillotined fallout afterwards. Hence the inveterate need for a parental figure, alternately resenting their authority and desiring their attention and coddling.Why these systemic issues with love, family, and abandonment seemed to pronounced themselves so profoundly in relation to Paul in particular is probably for all those indefinable symbiotic reasons that have been waxed lyrical about. Just as it was a magical buoy for their partnership in its naive and romantic beginning, this indefinable and ineffable quality to their relationship was also an obscure leaden weight to their partnership in its latter-day disillusionment. It’s not so much the fact of its ambiguity itself that was an issue, but that it was conditional, and neither was consciously aware of it until, well, the conditions arose. I mean, this isn’t at all meant to be a summative Where Did Our Love Go? précis, but just in terms of their communication with each other as emotionally hedging Northern lads, their relationship, from John’s perspective, seemed to depend on an implicit awareness and understanding of each other, on the reading of each other’s minds, on recognising each other’s unspoken thoughts and desires and enacting upon them, which he eventually realised was unrealistic and unsustainable (even if he never necessarily stopped longing for it). But they couldn’t have grown as a partnership without expecting and accepting each other to grow as individuals apart from each other, and they couldn’t have gone on continuing to looking to each other and expecting to see their own reflection without depleting themselves.But, uh, rather than go into histrionic ramblings about ego and identity and projection and fear, I think what I mean is: knowing what you don’t want isn’t the same as knowing what you do, and in such immovable contention there was only going to be disappointment and despair. Not knowing what you want but expecting the other to know and give it to you, and not get it? Hurt, rage, betrayal, you never loved me if you did you would have known I was in pain you moon-eyed fucking Engelbert Humperdinck I bet you knew and you just got off on seeing me suffer.

On that note, a candid illustration of John’s Paranoid Troll Logic, circa mid-1966 to early-1967, i.e. the “I was going through murder and I knew Paul wasn’t” period:

1. You’re happy and working and I’m sad and idle.

2. How can you be happy and working when I’m sad and idle?

3. If you really cared about me being sad and idle you couldn’t possibly be happy and working.

4. Maybe I’m sad and idle because you don’t really care about me.

5. Maybe you’re happy and working because I’m sad and idle.

Or two: 

1. I’m miserable, and if we’re as close as I think we are, you should be able to tell.

2. If you’re not able to tell, it must mean we’re not as close as I thought we were, which makes me even more miserable.

3. Maybe the reason why I’m miserable is because we’re not as close as I believe we were, and I can’t tell how close you believe we are.

4. I can’t ask you about it, of course, because I shouldn’t have to, and it’s your fault anyway, you should be the one asking me first, it’s not like you’re the one who’s miserable.

 5. … Maybe you’re making me miserable. On purpose.

Or three:

John: Sometimes I don’t even want to be in this fucking band anymore. I can’t stand being Beatle John, it’s going to suffocate me, but in the situation we’re in I don’t even know who else I can be. We’re in this together, Paul. You understand. We need to break away from all this.

Paul: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make a record where we all pretend we’re in a made-up band! Then we won’t have to be in this band, not really, because we’ll be other people playing other people’s music! It’ll be liberating!

John: … Remember when we just canceled all our engagements and went to Paris?

Paul: Sure I do. You know what, you should come out to London with me some time, it’s an amazing scene! All the music and plays and films and happenings… John: Hey, why spoil it when you’re already having so much fun without me around? What’s so good about all that, anyway? Pretentious tossers, the whole lot of them. Not that I care. Paul: They’re not so bad. Have you written any new songs? John: I haven’t written anything in weeks. Bothered.Paul: Well, bother yourself, then! And get something done by Friday. We have an album to make, you know. I’ve already written about four new songs - nothing much, just some melodies I whipped up in between this and that, but we can work with them.

John: You’ve just come here to gloat, haven’t you.Paul: Are you having trouble writing? I can help you out! What are partners for? Not today, though, today I’ve got a gallery to set up and two articles for the International Times to write and then dinner with Groovy Bob and a lot of artsy mingling to do with my new queer friends you’re so intimidated by for some reason. Want to come along? John: No, because I’m in pain and you don’t care and I hate you for not loving me enough. Run along, I’ve got my own lysergic work to get to. This ego of mine’s not going to destroy itself, you know. Paul: Alright, alright, I’ll leave you to it. See you on Friday!John: … Please don’t leave me.

And some waffle on Paul’s manner of Dealing With Things By Not Acknowledging Them (which, when aligned with John’s Desperate Need For Verbal And Explicit Acknowledgment, would hurtle them both towards a terrible ending):

As an affect of his stubbornly persistent optimism, to put it glibly, one could see how Paul’s need and inclination to focus on the enactive and positive side of things would also preclude an avoidance of anything he thinks he can’t achieve, help, or deal with, because direct confrontation of the problem would entail the risk of him losing control in that situation, which would render him vulnerable, or worse, being seen to be vulnerable. The avoidance thus manifests as both a defense and a coping mechanism for uncomfortable situations or unsavoury trains of thought - remember, this is someone who isn’t inclined toward navel-gazing, who doesn’t at all like to examine his own thoughts or emotions,  because it would hang him up. He has to deal with them in some way, though, so what can he do? Diffuse (project onto someone else), deflect (be hostile and passive-aggressive), or dive behind a piano, essentially. So if Paul’s way of handling things (during the Beatles years at least) was to avoid the Negative, redirect attentions and efforts to something Positive and hopefully in the process overwhelm the Negative entirely by all that is Positive, then you can see how the avoidance played out in, say, the case of Brian’s death (Let’s all travel far far away from this smog both figuratively and literally and make a new film about us going on a mad bus trip and make a new album to go along with it and be together all the time as a band again because we can totally manage ourselves and this will prove it and everything will be fine!), or the latter-day disintegration of the band (Let’s plough through the sessions because things have to get good before they get better and it’ll be a good album because we’re us and at the end of it we’ll all be proud of ourselves because it’ll prove we can still do it and maybe just maybe we’ll stay together and make more good albums and everything will be fine!). He couldn’t ignore the plaguing tensions at hand, and knew he couldn’t address it directly without inviting confrontation or contributing to the existing tensions, but he knew what he could do, practically - make music, and involve others with making music. As long he was actively doing something, then he was actively moving himself and everyone elseforward, and if they kept moving forward for long enough the problem would recede into the distance until it ceased to be a problem entirely. And so he did, until they were far along enough to move onto the next phase, or until they couldn’t possibly be moved anymore. 

[activatingaggro]

trolls, gender identities & gender presentations

I mentioned this to @mirkstrolls, so I thought I’d write a post on it! I have thoughts on my trolls gender identities, and why they identify and present in the ways they do, and a great deal of it’s based off of the society that I imagine they’ve grown up in, so: here’s a quick explanation of the reasonings behind each one!

For context, I headcanon that trolls are a monosexed species - biologically speaking, if you cut out the mothergrub, they’re monosexual egg-laying broodparasites, and sexual dimorphism is just natural variation in the species that, like most other aspects of one’s appearance, is consistent throughout one’s bloodline. Gender, as a construct, is something that spread widescale as a result of jadebloods and tyrians: it probably popped up initially as an easy means of distinguishing features, like castes in themselves, and then the existence of almost mono-gendered castes resulted in certain behaviours and temperaments being normalised, then stereotyped.

So, the general headcanons I’m running with towards gender stereotypes in trolls are based off of the Peixes and the Maryam lines! Which is to say: female trolls are expected to have a certain amount of attention towards their appearance, they’re expected to be hyper-aggressive, and they’re not terribly associated with romance in themselves. Women tend to be seen as leaders, both socially and politically! They’re not followers. They’re certainly the center of their social circles. They might even see themselves as above their social circles. Things that are associated with traditional ‘femininity’ - things that might be seen or treated as hazardous in combat, like dresses, heels, long hair - are all signs of social status, because they’re not signs of weakness: they’re a sign of overconfidence, and a guarantee that this troll, at least, believes they can disadvantage themselves, and still kick your ass easily in a fight.

Sipara is fairly feminine by these standards! Her lusus is male, but she doesn’t identify as such, and she doesn’t present herself as such: her hair used to be almost floor-length before it got lopped off as an insult to her, and she’d be actively aggravated if anyone ever mistook her for a dude. Her identity as a girl, and one who fits the social standards and norms for her culture, is pretty fucking strong, and they’re both something she’s aggressively proud of. She’s a girl, she likes being a girl, she will fuck anyone up that tries to say she’s anything less than the top model of femininity.

Pheres is deliberately androgynous! He identifies as male, despite having had an all-female bloodline, because his behaviour had him sorted as one by his hivemates early on: Sipara was bouncy and aggressive, he was complacent and sweet, they both got assigned genders by Simoom and Alsike accordingly pretty much straight out of the caverns just based on that. In Pheres’s case, it worked out fairly well: he doesn’t particularly understand what it means to identify, explicitly, one way or another, or to actually give a shit about what your gender is. He thinks it’s funny when people mistake him as a girl, because he doesn’t really give a damn, and as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t fit his social expectations of what women should be, in terms of appearance or demeanour.. but he doesn’t also strongly identify as male. He is what he is. What does it matter?

Riccin’s gender has always been ambivalent for them! They have strong opinions: they just can’t decide what those opinions are, and they’re still in the process of sorting it the fuck out. As a kid, swapping pronouns was their means of dealing with this in Standard, and choosing an explicitly non-gendered pronoun set - over the “she/her” that is standardised in their native dialect - was their secondary solution. As a teenager, after they’d been with the IEP for several years and internalised their new role as a helmsman, they decided that their gender woes, and their dysphoria, had been prescient.

If they were going to become a ship, then no wonder they were uncomfortable with their body: it was half of a whole, with the other set inaccessible. It’d always feel incomplete, until they were a proper helm. And if they were a ship, then what were they worrying about? Ships didn’t have genders. They didn’t need to swap from he to she, and back again - they could just use they, which was a kinder alternative to the it‘s that occasionally got levied around. And in both of those cases, they now had a neat reason to avoid ever having to think about it at all.

(If they hadn’t joined the IEP, they’d likely still be nonbinary, but deliberately present in ways that they feel are more feminine, with a higher comfort with being addressed as she/her. This fits in with their lusus, for them, who’s mothmom. But the neat escape of HELMING means that they haven’t thought about it, and are unlikely to do so in the future.)

[auburnfamilynews]

Since the events of last weekend we have all had time to process the highest of highs and the lowest of lows with the passing of Pat Sullivan. My father, who instilled my great love for Auburn, was kind enough to pin some of his thoughts on Pat and what he meant to Auburn people then, now and forever.

Amid the euphoria of Saturday’s win over bumma came the sobering news that Pat Sullivan had died. I was aware that he had been battling throat cancer for several years and had stepped down from coaching at Samford because of it. It was the spring of 1971 when I realized a dream and began work on a Master’s at Auburn. I was a lifelong Auburn fan and was absolutely giddy at the prospect of watching Pat Sullivan and his ace receiver, Terry Beasley, “The Human Deer” in the fall. They had stormed the SEC in 1969 and 1970 and were widely recognized as the most deadly passing combination in College Football. The fact is Pat Sullivan put Auburn on the football map .... Bo Jackson was seven years old when Pat came to Auburn; Cam Newton hadn’t even been born. One has to remember, Auburn had not beaten bumma since the 1963 Jimmy Sidle/Tucker Frederickson Orange Bowl team (my All-Time favorite Auburn team), beat the tawd, 10 - 8. Pat had been an All-State quarterback at John Carroll High School in Birmingham and was the focus of an all out recruiting war between Bear Bryant and Shug Jordan.

In 1968 Sullivan and Beasley led the Auburn Freshmen (in those days, Freshman were not allowed to play on the Varsity) to a come from behind victory over the bumma Freshmen that raised eyebrows across the state. Auburn people were STARVING for a winner. In their first Varsity game in 1969 against Wake Forest, the Auburn offense received a standing ovation from the Auburn Student Section when Sullivan, on the game’s first play, threw a long bomb intended for Beasley. Although the pass fell incomplete, Auburn partisans had adopted the duo !!!! With Pat leading the way, Auburn went 8-3 in 1969, beating bumma 49-26 for the first time since 1963, finishing #20 in the final AP Poll and played in the Bluebonnet Bowl. In 1970, the Tigers went 9-2, again beating bumma 33-28 (coming from 17 points behind in a game reminiscent of the Freshman win), and went to the Gator Bowl where Pat out dueled Ole Miss’s incomparable Archie Manning.

Such it was in the Fall of 71 ... Pat and Beasley were Pre-Season All-Americans.... “Super Sully” was on the cover of virtually every football magazine. The Tigers Went 9-2 with huge road wins over Tennessee in Knoxville and Georgia in Athens (Vince Dooley called Pat “Superman” and Beasley his “Boy Wonder”). They finished ranked 12th Nationally and played Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl. The season was capped with Pat winning the Heisman Trophy - he was the first player from Auburn and the State of Alabama to do so. It’s hard to describe how beloved “Super Sully” had become at Auburn. He was only spoken of in revered terms. There were posters of Pat and Beasley all over Auburn and this was before there was a computer on every desk !!! Through it all, Pat was humble, recognizing and crediting his teammates and coaches. He was sharp looking, articulate ....the perfect ambassador for Auburn ...... Heck, to Auburn People, he WAS Auburn !!!!

My only contact with Pat came years later in 1989 when I phoned him while he was on a recruiting trip as an Auburn assistant. I was the President of the Valdosta High School Touchdown Club (Booster Club) and wanted to (nervously) ask if he would be the featured speaker at our annual banquet honoring our State Championship Team. “Sure I will. When do you need me,” he replied. He absolutely wowed the audience that night with an inspirational talk and firmly planted Auburn in the minds of many in the audience (right in the heart of Bullpuppy country). I have read many tributes in the past few days about Pat. One of the best was from a fellow whose father met him after Pat had been diagnosed with throat cancer. The father shared that he was concerned about his youngest son’s health as he was using smokeless tobacco. Pat asked for his son’s phone number and called him the next day to share his personal story. The young man got a call from a Heisman Trophy winner, a former NFL quarterback .... a stranger, someone he had NEVER met .... simply because Pat was the kind of person who cared !!!!

God’s speed Pat Sullivan and WAR EAGLE!!!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/12/7/21000139/pat-sullivan-the-man-the-myth-auburn

[getoffthesoapbox]

VK Science I - Vmpr & Prbd Gene

Soo… I don’t feel like creating a temporary email just for this discussion, so yeah… This is already a “fake email” that I use for my beyond dead account and my currently abandoned fanfic. Not sure if my email is noticeable to everyone, but if it is, I don’t really care which name you decide to call me by lol. And if you’re wondering, I’m trying to quickly reply because there were a lot of concepts that were misunderstood and I don’t want to give misinformation or a theory that makes no sense (Plus, I have the longest break before my class). 

And ah, I love @imaginarylights! Their edits are always pretty :) Anyway, I just figured life caught with you up, and yes, I did resend my ask, but I guess tumblr didn’t like it *side-eyes*.

*Note: I tried to make things easier to understand by writing them as points, so hopefully this helps. Let me know, I guess?

Humans carrying Vmpr gene: So what I actually meant was that your original theory from our first discussion assumes that all humans (past & current) naturally contain a genetic sequence that codes for vampires except the gene is normally turned off. I do NOT agree with this because if you actually try to map out the transfer of alleles or even create a punnet square (granted, it’s already difficult with the lack of evidence like I stated earlier), you would expect humans to birth vampires, including Purebloods, more frequently regardless of the time period in VK. Obviously, this isn’t the case, so no, humans do not carry this gene at all.

The Prbd gene: like I said in past msgs, this would be developed in the Progenitors during human development in the womb where a mutation likely occurred during replication, repair, or even crossing over during meiosis. This just means that, technically, a “misarrangement” of DNA ended up coding for the traits we see in Purebloods. Since there are so few Purebloods, you would expect this gene to be recessive or “rare.”

Arguments: You could argue that it’s also the nature of Purebloods in VK and how they do not reproduce often and many of them were killed off early on in wars. Considering the different levels of vampires and even Senri’s rank, though, I think it just comes down to a gene that is rarely passed on. Although, you could also look at it as that Hino wanted Purebloods to be rare to emphasize the Kuran family’s prestige and nobility, ultimately making Yuuki and Kaname “special” characters in comparison to others.

The environment: I’m not taking back what I said from earlier msgs - I still think it played a role in the ways I stated earlier.

“Failed” or “incomplete” Purebloods (I don’t know how you would want to word that): In short, these people expressed partial traits of what we would now in VK consider the Prbd gene. Because they didn’t express the full gene, their fitness was lower, so they did not have a good chance of surviving and passing on their genes. Therefore, these people would not encompass the Progenitors, thus, lowering the Progenitors numbers.

Your questions: Hopefully my point about humans helped clarify some things. As far as humans duration of pregnancy for Purebloods and “teething,” I can’t answer these questions because I am not the author, sorry. This would all be speculation that has no basis because there doesn’t appear to be any evidence to support any claims.

The Vmpr gene: Basically Levels A through C (Pureblood to Average) vampires would express this (dominant) gene as it encompasses the very nature and expression of vampires. As such, this would mean the Progenitors underwent several mutations prior to birth as this gene would be at a different loci (location on the chromosome). Although, considering how the two are related, I would expect the genes to be relatively close to each other in terms of distance.

Charisma: I’ve seen it mentioned in the manga, but I don’t recall seeing it shown. However, I would presume that vampires have more pheromones to attract humans or that humans are just more attracted to vampires for some psychological reason that I can’t answer.

Blood satisfaction: To me, this is more of a plot device, similarly to the argument of why Purebloods are rare. I think it’s something Hino added for the sake of the love triangle as a way to add drama and romance. To argue that there’s some sort of genetic or scientific basis for this is like saying that there are predestined soulmates that people are fated to fall in love with, which is determined by their DNA… Which just seems odd… There might be a psychological reason, but that’s not my major.

Why I was salty: It’s hard to determine the offspring of mixed classes of vampires and even with humans because we are not shown any examples. Based on her lore, the simple answer is that based on the level of vampire parent(s), the children will fall somewhere in between as seen by (my love lol) Senri’s rank as an Aristocrat. In the case of Ren, I have no idea. Of course that’s not how genetics works and is confusing when considering the children between Average vampires and humans since some may be human (-.-)

Zero: I didn’t use Zero as evidence for vampires reactions to sunlight because Zero was not born as a vampire. My whole theory only encompassed Level A to C and I thought he was a Level D. Regardless, he wouldn’t carry the Vmpr gene and as such, he falls under my next theory that I hope to present, which is how Purebloods turn humans into “vampires” and how Level D and E are different (genetically and otherwise) from the other classes of vampires.

Hunter genes: I know it’s a possible counterargument and my answer is that I still have no idea how Hino’s “pseudo-science” works with hunters, so… Imma side-eye that. Maybe I’ll eventually come up with a theory that can explain her lore and hunters, but until then, I’m not going to address it.

So I don’t know how long this ended up being since I no longer have a limit LOL, but I hope it wasn’t too long. Nonetheless, I hope this helped clarify everything! Let me know if you have any more questions before I move on to my next theory.

Until next time!

I figured your poor ask had been gobbled by the tumblr gremlins again; this new submission post system seems to work much better (and it allows you to have more freedom to outline your points, which I’m sure everyone following our crazy discussion will appreciate). =) Plus it’s easier to respond to, fufu!

@Humans carrying Vmpr gene: Thanks for clarifying this one for me. So you’re saying if humans naturally carried the vmpr gene, we’d see it more frequently across time (even if it was still rare on the whole) rather than all at once in a clump like what Hino implies, which makes it unlikely as a possible explanation. I can definitely get behind that. 

@The Prbd gene: It’s fairly undeniable there was an environmental component to the development of the gene, so we’re in agreement there. (That’s the one thing Hino pretty much directly implies in the story.) And lol @ the Purebloods needing to be rare in order to make the Kurans “special”. (I would not be surprised about this one.) And my questions regarding vampire pregnancy and teething were more speculative in nature anyway; just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on how a human giving birth to a Pureblood would go, given how long it takes Purebloods to develop within fellow Purebloods (though perhaps this is more due to the fact that Pureblood female wombs have other toxins that slow natural development that a human’s wouldn’t, who knows–again, just speculating). Admittedly the whole teething business was a recent addition on Hino’s part, but it’s a bit of a horrifying process to contemplate given the progenitors arrived with human parents who knew nothing of the process.

@The Vmpr gene: Oh that’s quite interesting that there’d be several mutations prior to birth . So of course for Levels A through C you’d expect some kind of vampiric gene dominance. What would your thoughts be on Level Ds like Zero and the other turned humans? Would they pass on human genetics or vampiric ones if paired with, say, a human, rather than a vampire? (Obviously Zero’s kids would be partially vampiric due to Yuuki being his partner.) 

@Charisma: You see this pop up in the story at various points–Rido uses it against Aidou during the Rido battle back in arc 1 (Aidou’s eyes go glassy and he becomes mesmerized until Yuuki has to snap him out of it) and Yuuki when he takes over that kid at the vampire ball where she mopes about Kaname and Sara, and also during the Sara arc everyone’s always commenting on how Yuuki doesn’t have any charisma and Sara’s busy mesmerizing nobles and humans alike. It appears to be from what Hino establishes a sort of “aura” around the Purebloods that draws the eye (she usually uses sparkles or some other screentone to show it). Anyway, my thought was increased pheromones of some kind myself, though admittedly it doesn’t particularly matter and could just be a natural part of the “whole package” of the gene and more of a social side effect rather than an intentional one.

@Blood satisfaction: Okay, I just wanted to confirm you didn’t think this whole bit was scientifically valid from a genetic perspective, as I’m personally also of the opinion that this is just a romantic plot device. ;) I can definitely get behind the idea that it’s potentially just psychological on the part of the Purebloods and has no actual basis on whether or not they should be satisfied with X or Y amount of blood taken from random or less loved parties.

@Mixed Children: That’s really interesting that average/human mixes might have human genetic dominance (at least if this was genetically sound fufu). So do you think it’s possible for Purebloods (or a Pureblood/Noble mix, or Pureblood/Average) to have a throwback human child? Come to think of it, you know, the Hunters having a small amount of the Vmpr gene creates humans with some of the genetic traits–such as Kaien’s long life and youthful appearance, despite his lack of fangs. How interesting would it have been for Hino to have a human or more human expressing Pureblood or Noble character? *ahem* But yeah, it’s a shame Hino was so focused on the top of the hierarchy we never got to see any characters from the lower ends, where the struggles would be more common. 

@Zero: Oh great you’re going to dig into the Level Ds/Es in your next theory. Then I’ll wait to badger you about Zero’s specialness until after you’ve had a chance to dive in. =) (And lol, yes, it’s kinda…bizarre how the Hunters ended up being able to pass down certain vampire genes by just…eating?…the Hooded Woman. Like…pretty sure that’s not how that works lol. But hey, whaddoo I know? XD)

Anyway, don’t you worry a thing about how long your posts are! You have plenty of space now, and if my own responses get too lengthy, I can just put them under a cut now. =) 

Looking forward to your theory on how turning works!

[judd051]

"Common knowledge" about Wicca is usually wrong. (updated Feb 6, 2024)

I’m amazed at how much misinformation there is about Wicca on Tumblr. I don’t know if it’s coming from folks who assume that if they’ve read some published books they know all there is to know about an oath-bound SECRET society or if it’s coming from poorly trained Wiccans.

There’s also a lot of sloppy use of terms - especially "Wicca" - which I'll address in another pinned post.

Speaking as a Gardnerian who sometimes takes such ill-informed comments personally…

* Every version of the “Book of Shadows” that’s been published is both inaccurate and incomplete (on the order of hundreds of pages). The Gods protect their secrets.

* The “3-fold Law” or "Law of Three-fold Return" is not a part of the tradition I inherited. It’s part of the metaphysical context of the middle-twentieth century. It became popular and accepted by many people as a sort of shorthand for “what goes around comes around”.

* The "Wiccan Rede" was invented by Doreen Valiente. Some of us like it, some of us less so, but it wasn’t in the Tradition ‘til she wrote it - several months after Gardner died.

* Gardner was an excellent transmitter of information, but a crappy folklorist. We can usually trust what he passed along, but his observations are often bullshit. It’s important to distinguish between these.

* Saying “Blessed Be” has nothing to do with wishing someone fertility or invoking the blessing of a particular deity. The texts make this very clear. It’s a general well-wishing. If almost all of us can deal with “God bless you!” almost every day and accept the good will behind the words, the odd “Blessed Be” here and there should be a small thing, especially when understood correctly. (A friend who is a Catholic priest once said before an interfaith service: “It’s easy for us to bless each other. The challenge is in accepting the blessings.” Think about it.)

* Gardner was a homophobe (as were many in his day), but he also WASN’T a prophet! What he thought, said, or did personally has no influence on the rest of us. The material he transmitted reflected it’s times, but is not necessarily heterosexual (surprise!) and nowhere are the God and Goddess described as anything like a married couple. There’s plenty of room for interpreting the Tradition in other ways. Ask all the LGBTQ+ Gardnerians.

* The God & Goddess aren’t mushed together versions of all the other deities. They are specific deities with specific names who are OUR Gods, while we acknowledge the existence of all the other Gods. We can’t name our Gods publicly, so they are just called “the God” and “the Goddess” among outsiders. This was a common practice in antiquity. Outsiders got this muxed up with Dion Fortune's "All goddesses are one Goddess..." and assumed we were saying the same thing when we weren't. Unfortunately, through the folk process called rucklauf ("backflow"), this mistaken understanding has sometimes made its way back into some Gardnerian groups.

* There is a lot of traditional magic in the Tradition. Remember, everything hasn’t been published.

* The Tradition has a philosophy based on late-antique Neoplatonism.

* Not all Gardnerians are religious. I recently had an avowed atheist apply to work with my coven. I turned to an e-list of Gardnerian elders in the US, Canada, UK, and Australia and asked, "Can an atheist be Gardnerian?" After a chorus of responses saying "Absolutely not!" the other half of the list spoke up, saying "Why not? I'm an atheist!" A spirited discussion ensued, resulting in a broader understanding of what it means to be Gardnerian.

Before assuming you know all there is to know about Wicca (at least the Gardnerian version):

1) Understand that “common knowledge” is often bullshit.

2) Read Gardner’s books, paying attention to what he says the Witches told him vs. what he thinks.

3) In the end, recognize that there will be a lot you still don’t know because you aren’t an Initiate. Not only do you not have access to all the texts, you have know idea what goes on in the community of Initiates discussing those texts (and has been doing so for over 70 years); some will texts be accepted by all while others may have historical value, but be widely regarded as nonsense. Any text, no matter how central, is still only a PART of any living religious community.

I’d also like to offer the suggestion that one can always promote and sing the praises of one’s own Tradition or practice without dumping on those of others. So many times I’ve been brought up short in reading a beautiful description of someone’s Tradition by the words “unlike those Wiccans”, or words to that effect. It’s unnecessary and usually untrue.

"Common knowledge" is all too often actually common ignorance.

Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, but I hope it was still informative. I might update it as I run across more misinformation.

Blessed Be, Judd

[goldenworldsabound]

Chapter 1 - well, isn’t that a warm welcome

Aaaah I’m super nervous to post this but here is Chapter 1 of my D/urarara!! self insert fic! Please be kind to me. Some things in here. Celty’s text speak is always in italics, and English is inside < >.

She moved to Tokyo not that long ago - the city was still fresh and unknown in her eyes. And would it ever change?

Ikebukuro.

The syllables stuck to her tongue, the sounds foreign to her mouth. Even studying Japanese for years, and being told she was fluent, and proving it, sometimes the words were sticky and reluctant to sound.

She waited at a cross street, groceries in hand, wondering if she would ever get used to the way she stood out. Despite it being dark outside, there were crowds in full force, and of course, none of these people looked like her in the slightest.

She was an American moved here for work. So far, two weeks in, work she did. Specifically, work was almost all she did. She’d work all day, maybe go to the store, cook, hop online, and then sleep. Rinse repeat. Once I’m settled, she thought, I’ll try to make friends, and go out more. It’s not that she didn’t think she’d be friends with people from work…

A light whinny echoed down the road way.

“The headless rider!” Someone called out.

“For real? Ah, look!”

She looked, eyes widening as the black bike and it’s black-clad rider zoomed past, leaving the crowd abuzz as it went.

Headless rider? Had she understood that correctly?

“Wow, I didn’t think I’d see him! Is he really headless?”

No doubt about it, as she listened to the chatter, she heard the word headless over and over.

She felt her skin crawl a bit. But, that rider had clearly had a head, no? Well, a helmet, at least...but in that moment, as she had seen the rider pass...she felt that they were somehow incomplete. No one could live without a head though, could they? No one human, anyway…

The light changed, and she crossed the street, towards home…

Once, when she was younger, and a freshmen in high school, she had been in a car accident. The car was totaled, but in a stroke of luck, no one was injured. Knowledgeable people agreed that it was a miracle that no one was hurt. Not even a hint of whiplash.

It seemed like she should have died that day. But, she didn’t. How was that true?

She hardly thought about it these days. She rarely found herself in dangerous situations, and her mortality rarely came up as a result.

But what had happened that day?

It probably wasn’t very smart, but she was a bit dazed after seeing the headless rider. The way it made her feel...the more she pondered, the more she felt certain the rider had to be headless, there was no way they weren’t-

“OI!”

She froze, looking to the sound of the voice, a nervous smile surfacing.

There were some kids, perhaps high school age? With bats? That didn’t seem good...ah, she was...in an alley...certainly, it was the shorter path home, but normally, she would have been smart enough not to go down the alley at night.

It looked like she had walked straight past these kids and not even seem them. Aha...what was that they were doing? Plastic packets with little colored pills in them…?

Oh.

She’d walked in on a drug deal.

“Good evening! J-just passing through.” She said nervously, hugging her groceries a bit closer and starting to edge away from them. She started as one grabbed her wrist, holding her in place.

“You don’t think we’re dumb do you?” He asked, smirking grotesquely. “We can’t just let you leave, now that you’ve seen…”

“Ah but but, I didn’t, <I didn’t see anything at all!>” She was flustered, panicked, reverting to English.

“What? What’s that...nonsense she’s saying?” He frowned, looking back at the others.

“English maybe?” One suggested, shrugging. “Who cares?” He grinned. “She’s a foreigner. No one will notice if she goes missing anyway...we might have lucked out here…” He rubbed his hands together. “Let’s knock her out.”

“You got it boss!”

“Please, no! <Stop! STOP!>” She tried to wriggle free to no avail, holding her free hand up to cover her face from the incoming punch-

CRACK.

That didn’t sound like a fist to flesh, and she didn’t feel any pain...she opened her eyes fearfully, startling at what she saw. The boy had let go of her wrist, and fallen to the ground.

A man stood, casually smirking and holding a silver cane. The remainder of the boys looked at him fearfully. He was...wearing sunglasses, even though it was night? And he had a nasty scar down one eye...his initial impression was somewhat terrifying, and it crossed her mind that he could be a mobster.

She pieced it together. He’d knocked the boy down with his cane, and looked ready to take out the remaining 5 boys. That seemed an awful lot didn’t it?

“That’s two offenses, kiddies...dealing drugs on the Awakusu’s turf...and assaulting an uninvolved party…” He grinned wider. “There are consequences for these things, you know.”

“Awa-kusu…” One of the boys seemed to suddenly hit an understanding. He smacked his friend who had started to mouth back. “Don’t you know who the Awakusu are? T-this must be...Akabayashi…” He seemed terrified.

The girl still hadn’t moved, staring dumbly at the scene. She couldn’t bring herself to run, not that she’d have gotten far anyway. And she didn’t think she wanted any of these people following her home.

Akabayashi chuckled. “So at least one of you has heard of me?” Suddenly he was moving, knocking them to the ground, with fists or cane - he was moving so quickly, the girl was having trouble following. It was positively frightening…

“If I didn’t have other things to do...I’d deal with you myself. But I think I’ll just hand you over instead…” Akabayashi made a motion with his hand, and several Awakusu members walked down the alley, apprehending the boys, crushing the drugs into dust.

Some of them walked right past the girl, offering up an excuse me as they passed her. She suddenly realized she was still standing there, and inwardly cursed herself for not leaving sooner. Awakusu? Who? What? Akabayashi? What was she getting into?

Akabayashi walked towards her. “Are you alright? I’m surprised you’re still here…” He chuckled.

“Ah! Um, thank you very much…” She bowed, feeling flustered.

“It’s no trouble, I had my eye on these dealers anyway…” He frowned a bit. “You should be more careful, Miss…?”

“Wendy.” She replied. “I normally feel that I am but...I was overwhelmed by being in a new city, I suppose…” She sighed, still feeling very flustered by the whole incident. At least this man definitely had a head…

“Wendy-chan huh? A pleasure to meet you. My name is Akabayashi. Can I walk you home?”

Her immediate reaction was to say no, but she caught herself, thinking better of it. “Um, sure. Thank you, I appreciate it. It’s not too far from here…”

They started walking.

“So, you’re new here then?” He asked, tilting his head at her.

“Ah, yes, this is about my second week...I’m from America.”

“I see! You really are new then.” He paused. “You should be careful here, in Ikebukuro. It can be a very dangerous place.”

She looked surprised by that. “Oh. I’ll try to be more careful…” she looked down at the ground, trying to process. “Um, Akabayashi-san, can I ask you something?”

“Certainly.”

“Um...what is...Awakusu Group?”

He laughed. “Well, I suppose you’d find out sooner or later, living here...do you know the term, yakuza?”

She froze, Akabayashi walking a few steps before he quite noticed. “Y-yakuza?” She seemed fairly terrified. “Am I going to be...in trouble now?” She asked weakly. “I’ve got nothing to offer…”

He walked back to her. “My my, you sure jump to conclusions, Wendy-chan. You’re fine. You didn’t do anything to offend the Awakusu.” He smiled, more sincerely. “Don’t worry about a thing.”

“Ah...alright.” She still seemed a bit on edge but resumed walking. Luckily it wasn’t too far away.

They made some small talk about her job (and not his), until they arrived.

“Um, thank you, again...I really appreciate it. And I’m...sorry for my reaction to learning about...your group.” She bowed again, unsure if that was appropriate or overkill.

“Aah, don’t worry about that...it’s a normal reaction.” He chuckled. “Here...let me give you my phone number. Don’t hesitate if you need help, or if you just want to chat as you’re getting adjusted here.” He waved, before heading off. She noticed he only walked a little ways, before a car picked him up.

She let out a deep breath before she went into her apartment, closing the door behind her, locking it, and collapsing onto the couch, exhausted.

Exhausted, but exhilarated.

Well, back to the routine.

She had done nothing with Akabayashi’s contact since the day before, thinking on whether or not it was prudent. Certainly a day of waiting wouldn’t make a difference either way.

On the way home again, sans groceries.

A man got onto the train, with a cunning face and a distinctive jacket. He grinned at her and the other passengers, and she felt he was seeing past them all, somehow, not looking...at them, but looking...over them, perhaps?

When she exited at her stop, he exited as well, striking up a conversation with her.

“Have you been in Ikebukuro long?” He asked, that same wide grin and eyes that seemed to look through her.

“Ah, well, two weeks or so…” Wendy replied looking down. Was it so obvious? Or did people just ask because she was a foreigner?

He chuckled. “Don’t worry, it’s just rare to see the same foreigner for so many days in a row…”

She blinked, thinking about that statement. He had seen her before...was he stalking her? Should she call Akabayashi? How could she do that inconspicuously?

“I guessed you must be more than a tourist.” He put his hands in his pockets, looking up as they exited the station. “I’m Orihara Izaya, by the way. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He stopped walking, meeting her gaze as she did the same.

“Wendy.” She offered. “Do you...live around here?”

He scoffed, looking amused. “In Ikebukuro?” He let out a hearty laugh. “No, that wouldn’t be very good for my health…” He smirked.

She decided there was some sort of inside joke there and decided not to pursue it. “Um, Orihara-san...what do you do?”

“I’m an information broker.”

She paused. “Like with the...the yakuza?” She whispered, feeling something like gloom settle on her. Another one?

He tilted his head at her, and the smile momentarily disappeared, before returning as a toothy grin. “No, I’m...freelance, so to speak. Why do you ask? Asking a question like that so directly seems a bit careless.”

“Ah, well, um, no reason really, um-” Wendy raised her hands up as if to physically shove off the question, but startled as a loud voice suddenly rang out.

“IIIIZAAAAYAAAAAAAA!” Out of nowhere a tall, blonde man in a bartender’s uniform came hurtling at them.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Wendy-chan. Later!” Izaya said, whipping out a knife.

“Wha-wha-aaAAAAA!” Her eyes darted between the knife and the incoming man, who was wielding a stop sign now that she looked closer-

She fell to the ground as Izaya kicked off her, simultaneously pushing her out of harm’s way of the swinging stop sign and kicking him into a dodging parkour move. Well, almost out of harm’s way. The stop sign clipped her head, the edge cutting her and knocking her out, blood sliding down her face.

“Bye Shizu-chan. Better take care of that innocent girl you knocked out.” Izaya pointed out, grinning like a maniac as he dashed off and out of reach.

Shizuo made to go after him, seething but the last words caught his attention. “Innocent...shit.” He threw the sign at Izaya’s retreating backside, the conniving man letting it sail past him as he turned a corner.

He stood for a moment, clenching his fists, calming down. “That fleabag…”

A small crowd had gathered. Shizuo crouched down next to Wendy, lifting up her bangs to look at the hit to the head. He let them down again, looking impassive. “Well, I’m not a doctor, by any means.” He paused again, thinking.

Meanwhile, not too far away, Izaya had made a call. “Hey, transporter, got a quick job for you. You should find an injured girl and Shizu-chan not too far from --- street…help her get her wounds fixed up, will you? She wasn’t meant to be part of that.” He said, grinning. He closed the phone and walked away, skipping a bit. Foreigners could be quite fun to play with, he had found. They reacted differently to things than the average Japanese person.

Coincidentally, the transporter wasn’t too far away. Within a minute of the call, the headless rider at arrived.

“Ah, Celty. It’s...not what it looks like.” He said, somewhat sheepishly. “It wasn’t on purpose.”

Celty nodded, typing on her phone. “It’s okay, I’ll take her to Shinra.”

Shizuo nodded. “That makes sense. I’ll come by in a bit. I should apologize…”

Celty nodded again, slipping the phone into her sleeve. She wrapped up Wendy in shadows (with a shadow helmet of course) putting her on the bike. The crowd murmured and watched in confusion. Celty looked a bit embarrassed, wishing there was less of a crowd here. Everything situated on the bike, she nodded to Shizuo, who waved back, then took off, the bike neighing.

It was a couple minutes to the apartment.

Wendy awoke slowly, feeling...compressed, and with a horrible headache. She heard a whinny and felt a rush of air around her. She sensed something...incomplete, but the feeling was somewhat lost amidst all the pain. Something was dried on her face a bit. She slowly opened her eyes, and saw the helmet of the black rider in front of her. Her eyes shot open, and her heart started pounding. What was going on?

She felt blood dripping down her face, and realized she couldn’t move her arms to wipe it off. She closed her eyes, feeling panicked but knowing blood in her eyes wouldn’t help the situation. As she had looked at the rider, she felt 100% certain again that there was no head. And that was terrifying. She felt as if she could see through the helmet, see black smoke drifting from a neck stub…

She almost passed out again.

Finally, they came to a garage. The headless rider got off, and Wendy tried to slow her breathing to appear unconscious. It seemed to work. The headless rider left her on the motorcycle and wheeled them both up into the apartment. Wendy felt nervous, both wishing to open her eyes and also glad not to.

Once inside the apartment, the binding substance around her seemed to disappear, and Wendy let her body relax, trying not to tense up and ruin the illusion of unconsciousness. The headless rider picked her up.

“Ah, Celty, welcome home! Oh?” A man’s voice. Celty? “Bring her into the living room, I’ll take a look at her.” She was eventually laid onto a couch. She felt the man take her pulse, and could feel his eyes on her.

“Nothing too serious...which is surprising, if Shizuo was involved, but I’m glad. Why did you get involved though…? Oh. So he’s paying as well then?...hm, interesting. I wonder who she is.”

She tried to crack an eye open, and then quickly closed it when she realized both of them were still looking at her.

“It’s okay, we know you’re conscious. We’re not here to hurt you.” The man responded.

She gasped audibly and then covered her mouth, opening her eyes and then making a pain noise as the light hit her, and the blood dripped a bit more.

“Ah, it’s okay, here, keep your eyes closed for a minute while I inspect your head and get you cleaned up, okay?”

“O-okay…” She answered, trying to control her breathing and slow down her heart rate. What was going? Injury? What? What was anything? “Um, er, who are you?”

“Oh! Sorry about that. I’m Shinra, and I’m a doctor. So, please don’t worry. And the one who brought you here is Celty.”

“Sh-Shinra, and Celty...thank you! A-ah, and I’m Wendy…” She mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

“Don’t worry about this. Someone seems to be looking out for you!” Shinra said pleasantly. “Alrighty, you can open your eyes now, everything is all cleaned up!”

She did so. Shinra was smiling kindly, and Celty was standing behind him, looking at her.

“Really, thank you very much. I’m sorry to impose on you…” she said, despite not knowing why she was here or why Celty had brought her in. She squirmed a bit.

“And really, don’t worry about it.” Shinra said.

“I’m glad you’re okay!” Celty typed out on her PDA.

“Mm…” Wendy agreed, staring at Celty. “Um...I’m sorry, this is, really rude of me but...f-for some reason when I look at you Celty, I...I feel as if you...have no head.” She cringed at her own words. “But, um, I’m sure that can’t be right, so um, would it be okay, if you took your helmet off? I’m so sorry to ask, but I must be hallucinating or something…”

Celty didn’t move. Didn’t this girl know the rumors about her? That she was the headless rider? It almost sounded like she wasn’t too familiar with the urban legend built up around Celty. Shinra looked to Celty and then back to Wendy. He smiled. Celty nodded. “Well...what if you weren’t wrong?”

Wendy’s brow furrowed, but she stared intently, eyes wide as Celty lifted her helmet.

“O-oh.” She seemed transfixed. “It’s...exactly what I thought...why...how did I know that…” She seemed more concerned with her premature knowledge than the situation at hand, which made Celty laugh a little.

“It’s a secret though, okay?” Celty typed, and Wendy nodded slowly.

“A-ah, I’m sorry to make you reveal that.” She bowed. Celty held up her hands as if to say it was no problem.

There was a knock at the door.

“Ah, that’ll be Shizuo then?” Shinra said, going to get the door as Celty nodded, putting her helmet back on.

“Sh-Shizuo?” Wendy mumbled, frowning, no idea who that was.

A tall blonde man in a bartender’s outfit walked in with Shinra, hands in his pockets.

“She’s doing all right now,” Shinra explained.

Shizuo crouched down to be eye level with Wendy, flustering her immediately. “I’m sorry for my recklessness. I hope you aren’t too hurt.”

Her head throbbed, and she felt her face getting warm, and who was this man and why was he apologizing to her and why was he so...so cute?! And dressed so nicely?! And he looked so serious and they were making eye contact-

“Um, uh, <sorry for...what? Eh? What happened? Did I do something>?” She seemed not to notice she was speaking in English. Her head hurt too much plus the unexpected attraction and she just simply forgot.

Celty seemed to perk up, and walked over, as Shizuo tilted his head, not understanding a word of English.

<You don’t remember?> Celty asked.

“<Remember what? And you speak English? Am I speaking...oh>. I’m sorry!” She bowed her head suddenly, smacking into Shizuo without thinking about it. “OW!” She fell back onto the couch, clutching her head. Shizuo hardly reacted, except to look a bit unsure.

“Are you...okay?” He asked, raising an eyebrow but otherwise seeming totally unperturbed, before Shinra shoved him to the side.

“Let’s give her some space, okay? Wendy, here’s some pain medication and water.” Shinra offered. “Please take them, I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now.” He smiled at her.

“T-thank you…” She said, completely red now from her idiotic mistake. She took the pills. “Um...what happened to me? Why is my head hurt?”

Shizuo looked at her a bit stunned. “Aaah, I guess I hit you a bit too hard didn’t I…” He looked sheepish but...oddly resigned, she thought.

“E-eh? You hit me?! Why?”

He held up his hands. “I didn’t mean to, exactly...I was trying to hit that fleabag you were talking to...and you were in the way.” He said it as matter of fact as if he was discussing the weather.

Wendy blinked. Fleabag? Fleabag…”Orihara-san?” She asked, tilting her head. Shizuo grit his teeth.

Suddenly it all flooded back to her. The knife, the stop sign, the kick, the feeling of metal slamming her skull.

“Oh! I remember now.” She smiled, looked at each person in turn, and then fainted onto the couch.

Silence.

“Hey, Shizuo, don’t take this the wrong way but...I think it would be best if you left.” Shinra said, with his best professional smile, bracing himself for a hit.

“That’s...probably true.” Shizuo replied, standing up. “Well, tell her I’m sorry again...I’ll see myself out.”

Celty and Shinra looked at each other as Shizuo left, and Celty sighed.

“I guess we’ll just keep her here overnight to be safe then?”

“Yeah...that seems the best idea. She got hit pretty hard. She’s lucky her skull held together with how hard Shizuo hits…”

“I wonder how she knows Izaya.”

“Me too! I wonder if she’s dangerous in some way, for him to ask you to bring her here.”

“I doubt she’s dangerous. She seems totally lost.”

“But Celty, she knew you didn’t have a head, but she clearly didn’t know about you. It’s strange.” He smiled.

Celty tapped a few things out and deleted them. “We’ll see.”

[rockofcalifa]

Grace Is a Weapon - Ch0&1

30 day novel writing challenge - DAY 30 “post the first chapter of your work!”

CHAPTER 0

"After you have verified the identifying information is correct, please select the placement test you will be taking today," M. Petra read, word-for-word, from their computer; "Be sure that you choose the correct test, as this selection is not reversible. When you are finished, please look up."

I snuck furtive glances around the room, wiping a sweaty palm on my pant leg, wondering how my classmates were so relaxed. I scrolled through the alphabetical options, mindful of my guidance counselor's words of advice. Still undecided, I had paid them an emergency visit last month. "It's understandable that you don't yet know what you want to do with your career," they had told me. "But I think - this is a subjective recommendation - you should test for the priesthood... besides, priests have such varied positions; surely you'll find one that suits you."

I reached the "P" section and selected "Priesthood" before I could think about it too much. Looking up as instructed, I glanced to the front corner of the room, where Pascal was sitting - they gave me a sidelong smile and a reassuring thumbs-up.

"After I begin the timer and start your tests, you will have two hours to complete as much as you can. Remember, marks are given for correct answers, and an incomplete or blank question will not detract from your score." A pause. "You may begin."

Questions appeared on my screen; I scrolled through the first few, feeling more at ease now that I was committed. I noted the various types of questions. Some basic info-regurgitation in multiple choice form:

“Which of the following encyclicals was written first?”

“Pr. Crafa’s most recent legislative measure, HP122, was enacted because of which issue?”

The ever-present short answer:

"In four sentences or less, explain the nature of God's person";

“Briefly define the term ‘Worthy.’”

Some analyses-from-the-text:

"Using the below documents, reconcile Council Legislation G56 with Vatic's Encyclical on Gender"

"Using the below text from Pr. Najaf's 2249 From Strife to Devotion, demonstrate the residual effects of the civil war on their early government."

Yes, this would be easier than I'd studied for. I began to type, in response to the latter: "Looking back on their life from the year 2249, Pr. Najaf had the privilege of viewing events through a lens over 50 years removed from the civil war..."

The allotted two hours flew past as I dumped facts, figures, and, in some places, falsehoods onto the screen before me in their various requested forms. After the form closed, my screen turning black, relief was quickly replaced by worry over how I’d performed and the alarming possibility that the questions had been trickier than I’d thought.

Pascal was waiting for me in the hall. “Easy?” they whispered, and I shrugged noncommittally.

“How was bio?” I asked.

“Pshh.” Clearly their biology exam had been a breeze. “Hey, you still on for helping me with my speech thing?”

“Of course.” Although I was certain they could write a perfectly suitable oration on their own. As class valedictorian, Pascal was tasked with delivering some sort of address at our graduation next week.

They nodded. “Let’s find an empty room.”

Farther away from the rooms of testing students, we could speak above a whisper, and I began proposing ideas. “I was thinking, it’s always safe to start out by thanking everybody, you know, everyone likes to be thanked -”

“So, so maybe a, ‘I’d like to thank everyone who helped us on the way here -”

“But maybe a lighter tone at the beginning? You know, and then go into that bit.”

We’d arrived at Pascal’s favorite biology classroom, an airy space lined with large tables instead of the usual single-person desks; I turned on the projector, which was old and took a moment to start up, and picked up a marker. “One,” they dictated as I wrote, “start with something light. Two, the thank-yous, then…”

“Then some sappy reflections -”

“Not too sappy.” I noted this under point three. “What else is there to say?”

“Hopeful predictions for the future? Along the lines of, whatever direction our future careers will take us…”

CHAPTER 1

“...I know that as we move forward and reach new heights, we'll remember those who helped us get where we are, and to whom we dedicate our efforts. And whatever the direction of our future careers, I look forward to the many productive, favorable, Worthy years to come. Thank you.”

I applauded, but Pascal didn’t smile. “You sure about that last bit? Doesn’t it seem a little too… religious? Theologically charged?” they asked.

“We could take it out if you want,” I conceded, “but there’s not much time, and you know teachers and priests just love that stuff.”

“True, true.” They rubbed their eyes. “No, it’s good. I’m just hyperventilating in a corner, mentally.”

“You’ll do great,” I assured them. “It’s almost time; should we join everybody in the lobby?” They nodded, and we left the classroom after I turned off the board and lights. For the moment, I wasn’t feeling stressed or anxious. After I’d learned yesterday that I’d passed my career placement exam, my greatest concerns had been ironing my uniform, relishing the second-to-last day I would be living in my family’s apartment, and showing up at graduation early enough to run through Pascal’s speech one last time.

The small lobby was packed with identically uniformed students, walking sets of dark blue jackets and trousers occasionally moving aside to let family members through into the gym - these had been my classmates for the past four years, some of them even twelve, and only a few of them would be joining the priesthood with me. Pascal, for instance, would be moving directly into a research apprenticeship at the National Center for Genetic Research-- though they were a special case, having already completed several professional-level research projects in the realm of genetic audiology. I felt slightly proud whenever this was brought up, believing that they had been inspired down this path by the glitchy calculation, made by an under-qualified geneticist, which had resulted in my being born deaf, left with an antiquated and sometimes faulty hearing implant.

Dackon Thais came over to talk to Pascal as soon as they noticed us. I wasn't quite sure how Dackon, who had a quiet reputation for illegally exploring and painting the abandoned buildings on the city outskirts, had ended up as Pascal’s romantic interest, had found themselves in such a crowd as the two of us. Pascal and I didn't cause trouble. We did our homework on time; we kept ourselves out of restricted areas; we refrained from expressing illicit religious beliefs.

“I totally thought I failed that exam,” Dackon told Pascal, sounding almost disappointed.

“What? You didn’t?” Pascal joked. “I’m very disappointed in you, M. Thais. I expected more from you, and yet…”

I tuned them out, looking around the low-ceilinged space, waving hello to a few scattered acquaintances. Nikola Kimura made eye contact, smiled at me, and I smiled back. Friendliness was a pretense we kept up quite well. We had been friends once, yes, before they or their parent started caring about the socioprofessional implications of their connections. But that had been years ago. They now stood surrounded by a group of confidants, and although they were short they still stood out: they were good-looking, with their straight black hair cut energetically short, and they were naturally bestowed with an air of total self-confidence.

Pr. Nystroom entered the room, standing out in their purple uniform, and we quieted. This tired old fellow was the chief priest for secondary education and had been doing their rounds officiating graduations at all the schools in the area and didn’t appear to have taken it well.

“All right, let’s go in, single file, alphabetical order, all follow after me,” they commanded, and I left Pascal and Dackon behind for the front section of the line.

In the gym, family members filled rows of grey plastic folding chairs - in a usual assembly we'd be responsible for setting these up and taking them down, but today was our day, and we were exempt. A tan mat had been unrolled underfoot to cover the lines on the floor used for various sports, I suppose to provide an official air to the ordeal. It was quiet as we processed in; after we sat down in the raised area at the head of the gym, we feigned interest as the choir sang two hymns undercut by the quiet rumbling of murmurs.

Pr. Nystroom ascended to the plexiglass podium at the side of the stage to make his opening remarks, suddenly appearing comfortable, in their element. “Thank you, friends and family of our students, and welcome to our renowned assembly space!” That solicited a laugh. “We’re here today to recognize our students’ many accomplishments and send them forward into the next, exciting chapters of their lives…”

As I half-listened to Pr. Nystroom’s homilizing, I searched the crowd for my family. I found them near the front - of course Tian would have arrived early. I was to be their first to leave the colloquial nest and they had been acting clingy lately. Beside Tian, Tian Jr., nicknamed Teeny, sat in Pazi’s lap. Unlike Teeny, who was only three years old, Pazi was younger than me by only a year, and we were often mistaken for twins when we were younger. We shared the same broad nose, medium brown skin, and curly, brown-orange hair that they wore long and I wore short. Nowadays, however, we weren’t likely to be seen together. The Venn diagram of our social circles was sparsely populated in the middle, and they stubbornly expressed little interest in my affairs. It didn’t surprise me that Tian had been able to drag them here, though, Tian’s will being slightly stubborner. Beside Pazi sat Julian, Tian’s good friend, themselves a priest and enthusiastic about my career choices; on Tian’s other side, Nanna, my one grandparent. All were gazing intently at the speaker, except for Pazi, who had turned her attention to someone sitting in the rows behind me, and Teeny, who had found something interesting on the ceiling.

After the school principal made much the same remarks Pr. Nystroom had given, the priest retook the podium. “I now have the pleasure of introducing our student speaker for this afternoon,” they said, and paused to clear their throat. I suppressed a grin. “Please welcome M. Nikola Kimura.”

I gasped audibly and received quizzical looks from those sitting around me. They wouldn’t know this was wrong. Surely the mistake would be sorted out. Maybe there would be two student speakers? Poor Pascal must be panicking right about now. They didn’t handle surprises well.

“Thank you, Pr. Nystroom, and thank you all for your attendance and support,” Nikola began.

The first words had seemed familiar, and as they continued I realized why. They were reading Pascal’s talk, the talk the two of us had written. No, they weren’t reading it. There was nothing there for them to read from, that I could see. They had memorized it. I was stunned. Yes, Pascal had turned in her planned remarks for approval, but how had Nikola obtained them? What was going on?

I could anticipate each turn of phrase before they recited it, but the memorization was imperfect - either they had been rushed or they had taken editorial license. A large section in the middle, which contained some of Pascal’s personal experiences and would obviously not have been Nikola’s own work, had been cleverly excised. But they hadn’t bothered to replace it with anything. And I would have noted how this significantly decreased the overall emotional appeal if I hadn’t been occupied with freaking out.

Nikola’s expression not visible to me, I looked for the other Kimuras in the audience. Pr. Luis Kimura, highest ranking Justice representative on the General Council, had brought two junior Justice Priests with him; they sat in the front row. Three smug smiles emerged above tall purple collars; the two junior priests whispered to each other. Luis had made me somewhat uncomfortable from a young age, when I had tried to avoid going to play at Nikola’s house whenever possible, tried to avoid their parent’s dour, forbidding presence. Kimura’s second child, Phuong, was absent.

“I know that as we move forward and reach new heights, we'll remember those who helped us get where we are, and to whom we dedicate our efforts. And whatever the direction of our future careers, I look forward to the many productive, favorable, Worthy years to come. Thank you.” Polite applause. Nikola rushed back to their seat, eyes downcast, lips pursed. That was not the look of a willing participant.

Pr. Nystroom resumed the podium, still clapping. “Ok, ok, yes, thank you.” They paused as the crowd subdued itself. “We will now recognize diplomas and awards.”

There were no physical diplomas to be given out, paper memorabilia being “a vanity and a waste.” As opposed to this dated ceremony, which was a holdover from a previous time but, we were assured, neither vain nor wasteful.

We had practiced this part of the ordeal a week previously. I knew my name would be called third, but when I heard “Maram Alaui,” I was still caught off guard, and jumped to my feet. Smiled as Nystroom noted that I had received the Crafa Award for Theological Writing. The award was, in my mind, a joke, “theological writing” being particularly God-centered school assignments, which apparently I had a particular knack for fabricating. But I grinned in my family’s direction anyway, to let them see my excitement.

The names and recognitions would continue for a while. I wanted to figure out what had just happened. Who had orchestrated this? Luis might have, betrayed by that smug look on their face, but that also might have been their way of expressing parently pride. If their motive had been to make Nikola look more impressive, I wasn’t sure they had succeeded, but they probably had the power to pull off such a move. I tried to recall if Nystroom had made any indication they knew something was amiss. Surely they had been aware, but had they been complicit, or just an unwilling participant?

I knew my family would be waiting for me, but I sought out Pascal as soon as the event concluded. Dackon had gotten there first, and stood with a hand on their shoulder. “It’s fine,” Pascal said to me as I approached. “I don’t know, it’ll get sorted out.” They looked tired.

“Do you think -” I tried. They held up their hand.

“Don’t bother. Please. It’s no use, it’s over now. I think I know what’s going on, but...”

I waited, but no end to the sentence was forthcoming. It seemed like they didn’t want me around just now. “Well, I have to go pack up the rest of my stuff. If you need anything…”

They nodded, and I left.

[youdecode]

Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY]

How many times have you questioned why is life so unfair and what is the point of living anymore?

How hard is it to admit ‘Yea, I have crippling depression”?

There are 10s of million people who suffer mental illness and 99% of the root cause turns out to be depression.

Don’t you think life unfairly throws these depressed souls off the cliff and compels them to fight depression?

You must be aware of what depression feels like. Yes, like me.

It is not long ago that I got slapped with the reality of life which forced me to question why is life so unfair?

Feeling sad over tired listless fatigue hooked me completely.

But with consistent steps and a spoonful of courage, everything changed.

The bravest thing which I ever did was continuing living when I wanted to die.

You won’t agree more, how hard it is to tell someone that you are suffering from depression.

For many people, it is not a big deal.

Ever wondered why? Well, because we live in a cruel world.

People only show concern when they can, in actual sense, witness your pain.

Yes, those physical wounds. They are oblivious to the answer of what is depression . . . and what is the point of living.

Why Life Gets Unfair: Depression Causes?

 There are listless causes of depression.

Chronic depression about losing someone, career problems, relations, financial situations, illness, or other symbolic losses.

I experienced major depression because I lost my world until death. My dad.

The last person who suddenly departed . . . and the last goodbyes were never said.

Wondering why I am referring to the loss of a loved one as major depression?

Because It will let the financial crises, career challenges, and stressful relations trail behind

. . . The mounting bills, zero concentration on the career, and unexpected behaviors of relations.

I have been through it all.

But trust me losing my dad, my most precious one, shook my life and flipped it completely unlike all other causes.

One family member gets missing out of sudden, won’t you expect the change of roles?

These things will multiply your stress unless you find a correct way out. And I did.

Effects of depression: a journey of complicated grief

With whichever depression, you are suffering with . . . it is showing its effects.

And what are they?

I am not talking about the typical effects of denial, anger, sadness, fear, or other accompanying losses. I am referring to these effects below:

What does depression anxiety do to you immediately?

The most common struggle with depression is the disturbance in sleep. I became miserable. Whenever I used to shut my eyes the flashes of that unfortunate day used to appear before me.  Even staring at the ceiling did not help as all the memories of twenty years with my loved one used to puncture my heart. Sleeping for a few hours would only invite nightmares to increase the depression attack.

You will question, ‘Why am I so lonely?’ Feeling of loneliness will mount your depression effects.

Often in emotional numbness, you will hallucinate and even think as if hearing the voice of a deceased person. One day, I also felt that my dad just called out my name . . . then streams of evident tears.

You can suffer from weight loss due to loss of appetite.

Long-term effects of depression: Does depression ever go away?

You will also feel depression fatigue, as you will be devoid of energy. Physical exhaustion is a symbol of anxiety that will not allow you to even clean your room. You will be tired of living and the untidiness will prevail.

There are also some social effects of depression. As you won’t want to attend any gathering or special events. You will be like I hate this world. And this can continue for years.

You can also suffer from unbearable guilt from depression thoughts.

A research of 2015 showed that depression has the ability to change the structure of your brain. The brain circuits get changed when a person looks depressed.

How to find point of living anymore? [7 Powerful practical ways]

Studies show 6.7% of American adults each year get affected by depression.

Out of such a large number do you have an idea of how many actually seek treatment?

Studies show that only about 35.3 %.

Why do many resist seeking treatment?

Well, they underestimate its effects and think it is not that serious to be cured.

How to actually find depression treatment without several appointments from a therapist?

Is there an escape possible from irritable depression without the consumption of several medications?

If these questions are burning in your head then I assure you the guide below has got it all covered. You need to help yourself as trust me no one . . . NO ONE else is going to do that for you.

1- Shift your mindset:

You are your thoughts? Do you know why we feel depressed? Because of a thought.

That thought is constantly looming over the head and feeding “life is unfair. . . ”

Now, this thought is on repeat.

This looping turns the thought into a belief. This belief is extremely dangerous because this belief is giving rise to your depressed emotions.

The feeling you are having right now is the result of your belief. Hard times have struck you.

(Yes this is a belief is fine) But there is no point in living now because life is unfair (this is a wrong belief as this is not a reality and has not been proven).

But if you continue to ingrain this belief and evoke the depressed feelings then you will be the one for turning it into a reality.

Every second your brain is vibrating energy into the surrounding.

By repeated emission of the same energy of high intensity, you are in essence attracting more of depression into your life.

The same type of energy attracts and the law of attraction is one of the laws of the universe.

The only difference is that you can not prove it like gravity = 9.81.

I cannot prove it to you.

But your own life can.

What you are experiencing today is the result of what you thought yesterday.

Your life will continue on this track because every day you have the same thoughts which feed the same beliefs into the subconscious mind and thus attract the same depressing events in your life.

This is very much scientific.

I highly encourage you to read this post: thoughts are things because the moment I became mindful of my thinking pattern.

My life changed.

2- What should I do with my life: Journaling

Next, I can’t stress more importance of writing down your thoughts.

This is a therapeutic tool that is better than any therapy.

It healed me.

Get the facts straight: Every time you will not find yourself surrounded by a bunch of close friends, grief counselors, or family members.

No one stays for long and in the end, you will remain together with your loneliness.

So why not befriend loneliness to treat depression?

Yeah, you read that right. I have done this myself. Trust me the sort of inner satisfaction which I find when I am all by myself is beyond description.

Resolve your feelings and conceal depression. This is a way to address else it will stay within for years which will have a negative influence.

If you are not yet aware of the magical capability of journaling then that is because you might have not used it with the right intent.

You can attract miracles and get rid of your past by manifestation journaling.

The suffering time has taught me Triple G’s journaling technique where you find the answers to all your problems.

It is a method of connecting with infinite intelligence where all the answers already are. You can find more about her here.

So if we generally talk then you can resolve all your issues with journaling!

Great grief therapy.

Open up a journal and write what is disturbing you? Why does your life suck?

Throw in as much negativity as you want into the journal. I will encourage you to write at least 80 reasons why you think life is unfair.

Yes, you need to come up with this count. If your career sucks write it if you love life sucks ink it . . . if you have lost someone.

Now take out at least 8 reasons for bringing your life back on track. Write 8 things that you can pull out of the incident.

Come up with any creative expression to fight depression.

Try scrap-booking as this will be a great source of coping with the depression. As depression sucks! You need to use such creative expressions.

If unaware of what to write then the easiest thing is to grab random items from your room. Pick candles or earplugs. Start writing about how it symbolizes what you are going through. Compare your situation with the candle. Observe how it melts away, die in the process while giving light to others. In the same way, relate earplugs to your situation.

3- Depression treatment through Gratitude:

I get what you read through this headline. You will be like,

“I want to punch this girl on her face for telling me to be grateful while I am questioning why is life so unfair and what is the point of living.” 

Read this complete and trust me you will realize that I don’t deserve this sweet-cruelty!

Focusing on scarcity will transfer the feeling of incompleteness.

But focusing on gratitude will cultivate appreciation and kindness within you.

Think of gratitude as a tow truck that will haul you from the pits of your depression.

I understand that you are in a severe depression right now.

Thus when you will start to ponder good things in life, you will hardly be able to name one.

You will be in life. I have nothing . . . exactly NOTHING to be grateful about.

Start small from a day, rather than listing gratitude for your whole life.

Quick action:

Gratitude in a day:

Gaze through your window and relish those first spring buds.

Enjoy the messages of wind when it caresses your cheeks and blows off the oak leaves.

Think that those who departed can’t relish nature again thus you should be grateful.

Gratitude in a week:

Thankful for the loving people in your life who visited you.

Gratitude about the food, water, clothing, and shelter you have.

Gratitude in a life:

You have five senses to thank for.

If any of your closed one has departed then other closed ones might be still there. My dad departed thus I only have my mom value more.

You must have accomplished something by far in life. Something to be proud of.

Additional Tips:

Phones for tracking your gratitude: Use of notepad. Start specific and then expand on general blessings that you are availing.

Pay the token of thanks to your loved ones: You need to value them before dealing with a loss. Before it is too late. Write a compassionate letter which will impact their life. No matter how much advancement the technology has taken. But this method will give you inner satisfaction together with mental wellness which will be different in its way.

Are you sure you can feel the gratitude for real? If no, then here lands the solution: all you need to do is visit less fortunate people. Tears are guaranteed to roll off from your eyes. No matter how stone-hearted or strong your long-term depression has made you.You need to jump over it and see the world which is waiting for your kindness and love.

Tapping my tale:

Reflecting my own experience: I lost my world but I am thankful that I got to live with the best father for twenty years of my life.

By this time your list will not be just a blank paper. You will now not be staring like an unprepared student for an exam!

But this time, you will run out of space.

4- Fast-forwarding flashes of severe depression

You will eventually begin to hate stuff when incidents of history will loop over and over again. Get rid of those flashes of melancholic depression by a simple exercise.

Quick action:

Make use of a notepad or any paper. Mark the count for the next seven days when those flashes strike.

As a part of grief counseling, skip to the next thought rather than responding to the memory. The next thought has to be a supportive incident.

The supportive story has to be a safe, hopeful, goal-oriented, or calming story. Get the intricate details of that story which is enough to pour joy onto your lips.

The supportive thought has to have all the five senses (sight, sound, hearing, smell, touch). You will feel the change of sensation once you will relive the supportive story. This will help to stop depression.

This will become your resilience story. As you will be heading to a calmer situation from a difficult and haunting one.

Tapping my tale:

This common trauma has hit me several times. I used to recall the dead face of my father.

Especially the time when his body was brought and how I touched him.

I do want to recall my father every second, but only the good memories with him.

I don’t want to live with the memories which are enough to haunt you and tear your heart every day.

Remember living with depression is not an option now, overcome depression, and deal with it.

5- Music has power

You can feel a dramatic change when you are feeling hopeless.

It is a therapeutic tool that you must use for healing your soul and overcoming depression.

Quick action:

Listen to old songs which have exciting memories to enjoy (Do not listen to the songs which have bad memories attached. It is not escaping the event but preventing)

Experiment with new music and see if your mood fluctuates.

Tapping my tale:

Personally, this grief therapy has helped me to stay motivated. I listened to those songs which have special memories attached to my dad.

Those songs have made me relive the moments of my childhood.

Every other song reminds me of those golden days which we all cherished together, as a family rather than depression thoughts.

This might work against some. It depends on the situation

6- Treating depression with money:

If you are depressed about your goal or career choices then you are free to skip this.

If you are financially stable then you can cure depression and achieve inner satisfaction by helping one in need.

Keep money which is just enough for your financial independence.

As for the rest, play your part in others’ lives. Your generosity won’t disappoint you but diminish your depression anxiety for a lifetime.

Quick action:

Help someone achieve their goal in business

Finance the education of someone

Shelter the homeless and contribute in any way possible

Spend on your family for their happy adventures

Tapping my tale:

I sat with people in whose life I can contribute in any WAY.

Living for only oneself is very easy but living for others is the real challenge.

This challenge has really rewarded me in diminishing my depression.

6- Peace of soul and mind: real medication for depression

Realize the importance of mental health through spiritual practice. You do eat nutrients vital for your body but what about feeding your soul?

Quick actions:

You have to establish a formal place for meditation for depression counseling. A spot where you could dispose of all your negative energy.

Go into the woods, explore nature, and feel it.

Pay great attention to your breath and control it Connect your beliefs and happenings in your life together to find unanswered questions.

If you don’t feel like going out then at least reserve a corner in your house for filtering out your thoughts.

Go for hot yoga, saunas, or warm baths in hot tubs, as warming up can help. Charles Raison highlights in his study that exposure to heat can have antidepressant effects.

7- Doing something hard: My best treatment for depression

This girl has completely lost it! Aren’t these thoughts crossing your mind?

On the one hand, I am asking you to relieve your mind and on the other hand, I am suggesting something like this to cure depression?

I am trying to make you see that why life is not pointless. I am trying to convince that there is a point of living.

Well, it seems counter-intuitive. Though it’s not. Meditation is for the calmness of the mind.

It channels the stress away. You need to keep your mind calm and your body busy at the same time.

Quick action:

Learn your favorite skill which could benefit you, no matter how hard it is. You will find relaxation if after grief you have never enjoyed living in the world.

Remember, being depressed is a weapon you have. Yeah, you read it right. Just use this weapon carefully, either you can shoot yourself with it or shoot the worldly problems.

Let your mind remain calm and quiet with the aid of a difficult concentration.

You will have to train your mind rather than torturing yourself by being hard on yourself. Yes, become hard on yourself. But only to learn something new rather than punishing yourself for old sorrows.

Tapping my tale:

This one is my personal favorite to counter why life is not pointless, as the effort of going the hard way really helped me.

I learned a lot about graphics when my dad departed.

I took the hard way and decided to start my own business rather than rot in the corner of my room. Love challenges and the fire of a depressed heart is enough to solve them.

My final words about why life is not unfair?

I know you have gone through a lot.

But get one thing today: Now you can win over anything.

So in a nutshell, being depressed means you are already strong so use the strength in the right way.

I want to know your story so do tell me. You can help many others.

Recalling again:

“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die.”

-PROUD SURVIVOR

The post Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY] appeared first on You Decode.

[mymentalhealthsafari]

Up to Speed to Begin

This post is to briefly consolidate my collective experiences to allow this blog to understand how I got to where I am. I’m far too lazy to do a play by play on this. It’s going to be really disorganized and seem a little incomplete but I’m okay with that.

But basically I grew up with an angry, alcoholic, narcissist father and went on to date several. Narcissists really had a huge impact on my life; the two most abusive boyfriends I’ve had were narcissists. I think the other mistreatment I’ve endured pales in comparison to the abuse I received from narcissists; that abuse made me into the mental health patient I am today. I know those people like the back of my hand now; they’re all the same, and empaths like me get sucked right in. (Not anymore; screw that!) I’ll post a resource on narcissists later to depict what I experienced with these people. It’ll probably make sense after that. The way I take in the world and the people in it anymore are so clouded by narcissistic abuse and I’m working very hard to change that.

The majority of the men I’ve dated continually pressured me into sex. The worst ones forced me into sex. This was the cause of my CPTSD. My theory is that verbal abuse in childhood brought on BPD (borderline personality disorder), and the sexual abuse led to PTSD. I will refer to PTSD as such or as CPTSD; CPTSD is simply PTSD that is more long-term. But anyway, the verbal and sexual abuse from boyfriends really changed who I was and I’m trying to get myself back. I mean, whoever that is. 

I was just diagnosed with ADHD-C (combined type - hyperactive and inattentive, primarily inattentive) in 2018 and it makes me sad that it took that long. I thought, and was treated as if I was just lazy or stupid. I was always just a bad kid or a bad person, but it wasn’t completely my fault that I behaved the way I did. Now that I’m aware of my ADHD, I can better understand my behaviors in order to change them. ADHD is far more complex than just being distracted; it has a whole array of emotional effects as well. Being diagnosed just made my whole world make sense.

Ope, I forgot, my depression and anxiety began in grade school; I didn’t have a lot of friends. The ones I did left me out of the blue, and it led to the beginning of my mental illness struggle as well as self-harm. That too. I’m also incredibly socially inept. I will post a resource on how ADHD is related to that later as well.

I primarily identify my struggles with PTSD and ADHD rather than depression or different varieties of anxiety because for instance, both of those conditions can produce depression and anxiety. It took forever to find a mental health professional to identify these conditions in me; before it was “just” depression and anxiety. I’m still going through the diagnosis process for BPD (borderline personality disorder), and feel like it was overtaken by PTSD. I don’t know; I’m still learning. Only relatively recently have I received adequate mental healthcare.

I’ve had many doctors, therapists, and people question my focus on diagnoses, but I just function that way. It took me until the end of 2018 to separate myself from my illnesses. When I did, it changed everything. My official diagnosis was very validating, and it’s what it took to get me to get my shit together. I had one friend in particular giving me very sound advice, and finally I actually followed through instead of just half-assing and regressing. When I was able to separate my symptoms from my personality, and my ability to develop a personality, I could start healing myself. It was just the mentality shift I needed. I don’t know, I’m really bored with this right now because I’m ready to look forward instead of behind me. I am always open to questions; I’m not a very private person. Let’s go! Look out for those links I mentioned.

[myoptimisticpeacecollection-blog]

CiCi's Well-known Chocolate Pizza Easy Recipe - Youngsters Cook Monday

CiCi's Famous Chocolate Pizza Easy Recipe - Youngsters Cook Monday

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[royalnovels-blog]

MGA Chapter 1867

Chapter 1867 – Fighting Against The Four Clan Chiefs Alone “Woosh~~~” With Zhang Ming’s gaze sweeping toward them, those that ended up meeting his gaze all felt their bodies trembling and their hearts startled. In order to dodge his gaze, they hurriedly moved far away. In an instant, only a single person remained at the location where Zhang Ming had looked. At the moment when everyone was choosing to flee, only a single person did not. This man wore a conical bamboo hat. Before the attentive gazes of the crowd, he slowly removed his conical bamboo hat and revealed his true appearance. This person… was Zhang Tianyi. It turned out that the person wearing the conical bamboo hat that had firmly believed that Chu Feng would come was none other than Zhang Tianyi. Furthermore, Zhang Tianyi’s cultivation was a night and day difference from the time at the Gong Ba Plains. Currently… he was already a rank two Martial Emperor. Compared to back then, the speed of his cultivation’s increase could be said to be lightning fast. His cultivation had increased much faster than Chu Feng’s. Of course, he was only able to attain such enormous progress all because of Emperor Gong’s inheritance. As for that, it was also partially thanks to Chu Feng. “Emperor Gong’s successor! That person is Emperor Gong’s successor, the person that obtained the title of the Strongest Younger Generation in the Strongest Younger Generation Battle Assembly held on the Gong Ba Plains, Zhang Tianyi!!!” Zhang Tianyi was currently extremely famous. Once he revealed himself, many people immediately cried out in alarm. After all, Zhang Tianyi was the person who held the title of the strongest younger generation. “Woosh~~~” Zhang Tianyi did not bother with the discussions of the surrounding crowd. Instead, he suddenly leapt into the sky and arrived beside Chu Feng and Jiang Wushang. “Yoh, little brother Wushang, you’ve also come? Your progress is quite quick,” Zhang Tianyi said to Jiang Wushang with a smile on his face. “How could I possibly compare to you? You’re actually already a rank two Martial Emperor,” Jiang Wushang took a glance at Zhang Tianyi. Then, he took a glance at Chu Feng and said, “Before the two of them, I am truly so ashamed that I feel like dying.” “I was only able to obtain my current cultivation because of junior brother Chu Feng,” Zhang Tianyi said as he looked to Chu Feng. “Could it be… that you’ve also been helped by big brother Chu Feng?” Jiang Wushang asked in shock. “Eh? Could it be that boy, you’ve also only managed to have your current cultivation because of junior brother Chu Feng’s assistance?” Zhang Tianyi was also shocked. “Precisely,” Jiang Wushang nodded with a smile. Then, he moved to Zhang Tianyi’s side and said in his ear with a low voice, “Big brother Zhang, let me tell you this in secret, I am currently Lord Duan Jidao’s disciple now. I will soon obtain Emperor Huang’s inheritance. As for that, it’s all thanks to big brother Chu Feng.” “Really?” Zhang Tianyi was overjoyed upon hearing this. He then looked to Chu Feng and said, “Junior brother Chu Feng, you are truly our great benefactor.” “Senior brother Zhang, there is no need for you to be this courteous at such a time. I never expected that you would actually manage to persuade your father,” Chu Feng knew that Zhang Ming did not wish to provoke the Four Great Imperial Clans. Mainly, he did not wish to help Chu Feng and provoke needless troubles in the process. The reason for that was because if he were to help Chu Feng once, it would mean that he would have to help them again the next time even if he did not wish to do so. After all, even if he refused to help them again, he would not be able to escape the implication. Thus, Chu Feng knew that it was all thanks to Zhang Tianyi that Zhang Ming was willing to help them. “No, I never tried to persuade him. Merely, I ran out while he was not paying attention. I didn’t expect that he would follow me here,” Zhang Tianyi looked to his father that was fighting fiercely against Ximen Baiyuan. Joy filled his eyes. No matter what, his father had come for his sake. Thus, he was extremely happy and proud that he possessed such a father. “No matter what, it is all thanks to you that senior Zhang Ming came to assist me.” “That said, brothers, a grand battle has begun. Let’s chat with one another at a later time. Since we’ve come, we cannot stand by and do nothing. Let’s battle them,” As Chu Feng spoke, he took out his Heavenly Immortal Sword. “Of course. Since we’ve come here today, we must fight to our heart’s delight!!!” As Zhang Tianyi spoke, he suddenly leapt forth. Chu Feng followed closely behind him. Seeing that Chu Feng and Zhang Tianyi had already fiercely slaughtered their way onto the battlefield, Jiang Wushang also soared into the sky and followed them onto the battlefield. Although he was only a Half Martial Emperor, his cultivation was unable to contain his determination to battle. “World spirits, listen up! Protect the three of them with your lives!” Duan Jidao shouted. After those words were said, of the thousand plus world spirits, several tens of them appeared beside Chu Feng, Zhang Tianyi and Jiang Wushang to secretly protect them. At this moment, Chu Feng was charging straight for the Four Great Imperial Clans’ Clan Chiefs. After getting close to them, he shouted to those world spirits, “Everyone, thank you for your trouble. Please leave the four of them to me.” “Woosh, woosh, woosh~~~” Once Chu Feng said those words, those world spirits all complied with his wishes and handed the Clan Chiefs of the Nangong, Beitang, Dongfang and Ximen Imperial Clans to him. “Chu Feng, what did you say? You plan to take care of the four of us alone?” The Dongfang Imperial Clan’s Clan Chief felt that Chu Feng’s actions were extremely unfathomable. Thus, when he looked to Chu Feng, he had the appearance of looking at a fool. Originally, they had had to put forth all of their effort to take care of the world spirits. This had been extremely strenuous for them. If they were to continue, they would definitely be killed. However, to their surprise, Chu Feng suddenly came at such a moment. Not only had he rescued them from the world spirits, he had even declared that he was going to fight against the four of them himself. Chu Feng, a mere Half Martial Emperor, what made him think that he could contend against them? What he had done was simply provide them with a great opportunity for them to kill him. Thus, they felt that Chu Feng’s brain had gone completely retarded. “Haha…” Chu Feng did not respond to the Dongfang Imperial Clan’s Clan Chief’s mocking words. Instead, he looked to those world spirits again and said, “You all do not have to interfere with our battle. However, everyone, I will have to trouble you all with keeping others from disturbing us.” “Understood,” Those world spirits clasped their fists toward Chu Feng. “Woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh~~~” After clasping their fists at Chu Feng, those world spirits formed a defensive sphere around Chu Feng and the Four Great Imperial Clans’ Clan Chiefs, sealing them within. “Zzzzzz~~~” The very next moment, lightning started to flicker in Chu Feng’s eyes. His aura began to rapidly rise. In an instant, he went from rank nine Half Martial Emperor to rank two Martial Emperor. “How could this be? How could you directly break through from Half Martial Emperor to Martial Emperor?” “This is impossible! No matter how heaven-defying your methods might be, it’s still impossible for you to accomplish this. This is simply unreasonable!” Seeing Chu Feng’s cultivation becoming that powerful in an instant, seeing how he had actually managed to break through from Half Martial Emperor to Martial Emperor, the expression of the Dongfang Imperial Clan’s Clan Chief that was previously mocking Chu Feng instantly changed. It was not only him, the other three Clan Chiefs were also overwhelmed with shock. To them, regardless of what sort of method one might have, it was impossible to directly break through from Half Martial Emperor to Martial Emperor. “Unreasonable? The common sense that you know of involves only those things within the range of your comprehension. In this world, there are a lot of things that you cannot comprehend.” “Actually, it’s not that they’re incomprehensible. Merely, you thought that just because you could not reach a certain height that others also cannot reach that height. That sort of mentality is utterly stupid and ridiculous,” Chu Feng shook his head with a smile on his face. “Why bother speaking superfluous words with him? Kill him immediately! After he’s dead, who will dare to make our Four Great Imperial Clans their enemy again?!” At that moment, the Ximen Imperial Clan’s Clan Chief had unleashed his attack. In terms of their hatred for Chu Feng, the one that hated Chu Feng the most among the Four Clans’ Clan Chiefs was none other than him. After all, Chu Feng had violently trampled upon his son many times. He had personally crushed the title of genius that his son had possessed. Thus, not only did the Ximen Imperial Clan’s Clan Chief immediately unleash a fatal attack at Chu Feng, he also used his Incomplete Imperial Armament to directly slash at Chu Feng’s body. He was planning to personally slice Chu Feng in two to alleviate the hatred in his heart. Previous          Main menu           Next Click to Post

[youdecode]

Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY]

How many times have you questioned why is life so unfair and what is the point of living anymore?

How hard is it to admit ‘Yea, I have crippling depression”?

There are 10s of million people who suffer mental illness and 99% of the root cause turns out to be depression.

Don’t you think life unfairly throws these depressed souls off the cliff and compels them to fight depression?

You must be aware of what depression feels like. Yes, like me.

It is not long ago that I got slapped with the reality of life which forced me to question why is life so unfair?

Feeling sad over tired listless fatigue hooked me completely.

But with consistent steps and a spoonful of courage, everything changed.

The bravest thing which I ever did was continuing living when I wanted to die.

You won’t agree more, how hard it is to tell someone that you are suffering from depression.

For many people, it is not a big deal.

Ever wondered why? Well, because we live in a cruel world.

People only show concern when they can, in actual sense, witness your pain.

Yes, those physical wounds. They are oblivious to the answer of what is depression . . . and what is the point of living.

Why Life Gets Unfair: Depression Causes?

 There are listless causes of depression.

Chronic depression about losing someone, career problems, relations, financial situations, illness, or other symbolic losses.

I experienced major depression because I lost my world until death. My dad.

The last person who suddenly departed . . . and the last goodbyes were never said.

Wondering why I am referring to the loss of a loved one as major depression?

Because It will let the financial crises, career challenges, and stressful relations trail behind

. . . The mounting bills, zero concentration on the career, and unexpected behaviors of relations.

I have been through it all.

But trust me losing my dad, my most precious one, shook my life and flipped it completely unlike all other causes.

One family member gets missing out of sudden, won’t you expect the change of roles?

These things will multiply your stress unless you find a correct way out. And I did.

Effects of depression: a journey of complicated grief

With whichever depression, you are suffering with . . . it is showing its effects.

And what are they?

I am not talking about the typical effects of denial, anger, sadness, fear, or other accompanying losses. I am referring to these effects below:

What does depression anxiety do to you immediately?

The most common struggle with depression is the disturbance in sleep. I became miserable. Whenever I used to shut my eyes the flashes of that unfortunate day used to appear before me.  Even staring at the ceiling did not help as all the memories of twenty years with my loved one used to puncture my heart. Sleeping for a few hours would only invite nightmares to increase the depression attack.

You will question, ‘Why am I so lonely?’ Feeling of loneliness will mount your depression effects.

Often in emotional numbness, you will hallucinate and even think as if hearing the voice of a deceased person. One day, I also felt that my dad just called out my name . . . then streams of evident tears.

You can suffer from weight loss due to loss of appetite.

Long-term effects of depression: Does depression ever go away?

You will also feel depression fatigue, as you will be devoid of energy. Physical exhaustion is a symbol of anxiety that will not allow you to even clean your room. You will be tired of living and the untidiness will prevail.

There are also some social effects of depression. As you won’t want to attend any gathering or special events. You will be like I hate this world. And this can continue for years.

You can also suffer from unbearable guilt from depression thoughts.

A research of 2015 showed that depression has the ability to change the structure of your brain. The brain circuits get changed when a person looks depressed.

How to find point of living anymore? [7 Powerful practical ways]

Studies show 6.7% of American adults each year get affected by depression.

Out of such a large number do you have an idea of how many actually seek treatment?

Studies show that only about 35.3 %.

Why do many resist seeking treatment?

Well, they underestimate its effects and think it is not that serious to be cured.

How to actually find depression treatment without several appointments from a therapist?

Is there an escape possible from irritable depression without the consumption of several medications?

If these questions are burning in your head then I assure you the guide below has got it all covered. You need to help yourself as trust me no one . . . NO ONE else is going to do that for you.

1- Shift your mindset:

You are your thoughts? Do you know why we feel depressed? Because of a thought.

That thought is constantly looming over the head and feeding “life is unfair. . . ”

Now, this thought is on repeat.

This looping turns the thought into a belief. This belief is extremely dangerous because this belief is giving rise to your depressed emotions.

The feeling you are having right now is the result of your belief. Hard times have struck you.

(Yes this is a belief is fine) But there is no point in living now because life is unfair (this is a wrong belief as this is not a reality and has not been proven).

But if you continue to ingrain this belief and evoke the depressed feelings then you will be the one for turning it into a reality.

Every second your brain is vibrating energy into the surrounding.

By repeated emission of the same energy of high intensity, you are in essence attracting more of depression into your life.

The same type of energy attracts and the law of attraction is one of the laws of the universe.

The only difference is that you can not prove it like gravity = 9.81.

I cannot prove it to you.

But your own life can.

What you are experiencing today is the result of what you thought yesterday.

Your life will continue on this track because every day you have the same thoughts which feed the same beliefs into the subconscious mind and thus attract the same depressing events in your life.

This is very much scientific.

I highly encourage you to read this post: thoughts are things because the moment I became mindful of my thinking pattern.

My life changed.

2- What should I do with my life: Journaling

Next, I can’t stress more importance of writing down your thoughts.

This is a therapeutic tool that is better than any therapy.

It healed me.

Get the facts straight: Every time you will not find yourself surrounded by a bunch of close friends, grief counselors, or family members.

No one stays for long and in the end, you will remain together with your loneliness.

So why not befriend loneliness to treat depression?

Yeah, you read that right. I have done this myself. Trust me the sort of inner satisfaction which I find when I am all by myself is beyond description.

Resolve your feelings and conceal depression. This is a way to address else it will stay within for years which will have a negative influence.

If you are not yet aware of the magical capability of journaling then that is because you might have not used it with the right intent.

You can attract miracles and get rid of your past by manifestation journaling.

The suffering time has taught me Triple G’s journaling technique where you find the answers to all your problems.

It is a method of connecting with infinite intelligence where all the answers already are. You can find more about her here.

So if we generally talk then you can resolve all your issues with journaling!

Great grief therapy.

Open up a journal and write what is disturbing you? Why does your life suck?

Throw in as much negativity as you want into the journal. I will encourage you to write at least 80 reasons why you think life is unfair.

Yes, you need to come up with this count. If your career sucks write it if you love life sucks ink it . . . if you have lost someone.

Now take out at least 8 reasons for bringing your life back on track. Write 8 things that you can pull out of the incident.

Come up with any creative expression to fight depression.

Try scrap-booking as this will be a great source of coping with the depression. As depression sucks! You need to use such creative expressions.

If unaware of what to write then the easiest thing is to grab random items from your room. Pick candles or earplugs. Start writing about how it symbolizes what you are going through. Compare your situation with the candle. Observe how it melts away, die in the process while giving light to others. In the same way, relate earplugs to your situation.

3- Depression treatment through Gratitude:

I get what you read through this headline. You will be like,

“I want to punch this girl on her face for telling me to be grateful while I am questioning why is life so unfair and what is the point of living.” 

Read this complete and trust me you will realize that I don’t deserve this sweet-cruelty!

Focusing on scarcity will transfer the feeling of incompleteness.

But focusing on gratitude will cultivate appreciation and kindness within you.

Think of gratitude as a tow truck that will haul you from the pits of your depression.

I understand that you are in a severe depression right now.

Thus when you will start to ponder good things in life, you will hardly be able to name one.

You will be in life. I have nothing . . . exactly NOTHING to be grateful about.

Start small from a day, rather than listing gratitude for your whole life.

Quick action:

Gratitude in a day:

Gaze through your window and relish those first spring buds.

Enjoy the messages of wind when it caresses your cheeks and blows off the oak leaves.

Think that those who departed can’t relish nature again thus you should be grateful.

Gratitude in a week:

Thankful for the loving people in your life who visited you.

Gratitude about the food, water, clothing, and shelter you have.

Gratitude in a life:

You have five senses to thank for.

If any of your closed one has departed then other closed ones might be still there. My dad departed thus I only have my mom value more.

You must have accomplished something by far in life. Something to be proud of.

Additional Tips:

Phones for tracking your gratitude: Use of notepad. Start specific and then expand on general blessings that you are availing.

Pay the token of thanks to your loved ones: You need to value them before dealing with a loss. Before it is too late. Write a compassionate letter which will impact their life. No matter how much advancement the technology has taken. But this method will give you inner satisfaction together with mental wellness which will be different in its way.

Are you sure you can feel the gratitude for real? If no, then here lands the solution: all you need to do is visit less fortunate people. Tears are guaranteed to roll off from your eyes. No matter how stone-hearted or strong your long-term depression has made you.You need to jump over it and see the world which is waiting for your kindness and love.

Tapping my tale:

Reflecting my own experience: I lost my world but I am thankful that I got to live with the best father for twenty years of my life.

By this time your list will not be just a blank paper. You will now not be staring like an unprepared student for an exam!

But this time, you will run out of space.

4- Fast-forwarding flashes of severe depression

You will eventually begin to hate stuff when incidents of history will loop over and over again. Get rid of those flashes of melancholic depression by a simple exercise.

Quick action:

Make use of a notepad or any paper. Mark the count for the next seven days when those flashes strike.

As a part of grief counseling, skip to the next thought rather than responding to the memory. The next thought has to be a supportive incident.

The supportive story has to be a safe, hopeful, goal-oriented, or calming story. Get the intricate details of that story which is enough to pour joy onto your lips.

The supportive thought has to have all the five senses (sight, sound, hearing, smell, touch). You will feel the change of sensation once you will relive the supportive story. This will help to stop depression.

This will become your resilience story. As you will be heading to a calmer situation from a difficult and haunting one.

Tapping my tale:

This common trauma has hit me several times. I used to recall the dead face of my father.

Especially the time when his body was brought and how I touched him.

I do want to recall my father every second, but only the good memories with him.

I don’t want to live with the memories which are enough to haunt you and tear your heart every day.

Remember living with depression is not an option now, overcome depression, and deal with it.

5- Music has power

You can feel a dramatic change when you are feeling hopeless.

It is a therapeutic tool that you must use for healing your soul and overcoming depression.

Quick action:

Listen to old songs which have exciting memories to enjoy (Do not listen to the songs which have bad memories attached. It is not escaping the event but preventing)

Experiment with new music and see if your mood fluctuates.

Tapping my tale:

Personally, this grief therapy has helped me to stay motivated. I listened to those songs which have special memories attached to my dad.

Those songs have made me relive the moments of my childhood.

Every other song reminds me of those golden days which we all cherished together, as a family rather than depression thoughts.

This might work against some. It depends on the situation

6- Treating depression with money:

If you are depressed about your goal or career choices then you are free to skip this.

If you are financially stable then you can cure depression and achieve inner satisfaction by helping one in need.

Keep money which is just enough for your financial independence.

As for the rest, play your part in others’ lives. Your generosity won’t disappoint you but diminish your depression anxiety for a lifetime.

Quick action:

Help someone achieve their goal in business

Finance the education of someone

Shelter the homeless and contribute in any way possible

Spend on your family for their happy adventures

Tapping my tale:

I sat with people in whose life I can contribute in any WAY.

Living for only oneself is very easy but living for others is the real challenge.

This challenge has really rewarded me in diminishing my depression.

6- Peace of soul and mind: real medication for depression

Realize the importance of mental health through spiritual practice. You do eat nutrients vital for your body but what about feeding your soul?

Quick actions:

You have to establish a formal place for meditation for depression counseling. A spot where you could dispose of all your negative energy.

Go into the woods, explore nature, and feel it.

Pay great attention to your breath and control it Connect your beliefs and happenings in your life together to find unanswered questions.

If you don’t feel like going out then at least reserve a corner in your house for filtering out your thoughts.

Go for hot yoga, saunas, or warm baths in hot tubs, as warming up can help. Charles Raison highlights in his study that exposure to heat can have antidepressant effects.

7- Doing something hard: My best treatment for depression

This girl has completely lost it! Aren’t these thoughts crossing your mind?

On the one hand, I am asking you to relieve your mind and on the other hand, I am suggesting something like this to cure depression?

I am trying to make you see that why life is not pointless. I am trying to convince that there is a point of living.

Well, it seems counter-intuitive. Though it’s not. Meditation is for the calmness of the mind.

It channels the stress away. You need to keep your mind calm and your body busy at the same time.

Quick action:

Learn your favorite skill which could benefit you, no matter how hard it is. You will find relaxation if after grief you have never enjoyed living in the world.

Remember, being depressed is a weapon you have. Yeah, you read it right. Just use this weapon carefully, either you can shoot yourself with it or shoot the worldly problems.

Let your mind remain calm and quiet with the aid of a difficult concentration.

You will have to train your mind rather than torturing yourself by being hard on yourself. Yes, become hard on yourself. But only to learn something new rather than punishing yourself for old sorrows.

Tapping my tale:

This one is my personal favorite to counter why life is not pointless, as the effort of going the hard way really helped me.

I learned a lot about graphics when my dad departed.

I took the hard way and decided to start my own business rather than rot in the corner of my room. Love challenges and the fire of a depressed heart is enough to solve them.

My final words about why life is not unfair?

I know you have gone through a lot.

But get one thing today: Now you can win over anything.

So in a nutshell, being depressed means you are already strong so use the strength in the right way.

I want to know your story so do tell me. You can help many others.

Recalling again:

“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die.”

-PROUD SURVIVOR

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