#this post is kinda my spiritual sequel to all the discourse about why Anders and Fenris can't just get along

[the-cryptographer]

Think I'm going to tie these posts together now and say that, beyond the reasons Fenris just isn't likely to pick up Merrill's schtick about being one of the 'good' blood mages, Merrill and her struggles generally represent an attack on how Fenris has come to understand his identity and how to keep himself safe. Like, Fenris has told himself a story to explain the circumstances of why he feels so alone and betrayed and threatened, for which he is holding Danarius fully responsible. If he, as an elf, hadn't been born without magic, if he'd been educated as a free man, if Danarius hadn't ripped him from his family (and he's adamant he never would never have chosen to leave his family), then he would not be struggling the way he is now. And Merrill is, well... lovely and brilliant and huge fucking mess of anxiety and neurosis and loneliness and self harm and relying on Hawke for protection just as much as Fenris is. (Which is also reflected in the way that Fenris in the precanon short story characterises the Dalish as people who've been given all the boons of freedom, and are wasting it mucking in the mud.) Basically, if Fenris allows himself to empathise with the decisions Merrill makes about her family - if he entertains the idea that he could be literate and a mage and have had a childhood with a very expansive family, and still be blisteringly unhappy with them - then he has to accept the possibility that he is partly responsible for where his life has ended up, which corrodes his ability to be angry with Danarius for this. And of course I talked about how Fenris being angry at Danarius is absolutely vital in order to keep him from taking Danarius back.

I think this is supported by a lot of Fenris's dialogue surrounding the Merrill and Marethari issue. Of which I can most easily point to this horrific little banter:

Basically him saying, "it's repulsive you had someone who cared about you that much (the way I wish I'd had) (ignore that she constantly negged and belittled and gaslit you), and you still couldn't get your shit together."

But in a way I think the real killer for this relationship is that Merrill on some level knows this about Fenris. On some level, she accepts that he needs to hate her. Merrill would absolutely be willing to be friends with Fenris, if he could suck it up and be nice to her, but when he doesn't, she responds with pity. When he goes off about how mages all deserve to be locked up, she goes 'Well, you're wrong and your opinions suck and here's why, but I wouldn't expect someone in your situation to know any better.' Which I think in a way is way more terribly uncomfortable for him than dealing with Anders. Like, Fenris can safely hate Anders, and Anders will safely return the favour and hate him back. But with Merrill he's stuck in this more low broil seething anger that he can never fully voice or act out without being made to lose face. Which is also delicious.