#this post is brought to you by me being unable to relate to trans memes sent to me by my friends

[knightobreath]

the trans experience is so vast and varied <3 absolutely beautiful

[lord-wellesbrook-ix]

2021 is gonna be OUR year.

I know this year’s been shit. For everyone. Unless you’re some fucking rolling in it billionaire, but if you’re reading this, please send me a couple million to buy a house and marry my boyfriend.  Anyway yeah, this next year is yours. All of you, reading this. Yes it’ll still in part or maybe even in full be stolen away by lockdowns and corona bullshittery. Yes it’ll still be hard. Yes it’ll still hurt. But it’s yours. You might not make any grand goals or massive accomplishments, but you’ve survived this, and I have too, and if we’ve got this under our belt, then we’ll be able to get through anything next year can throw at us.  This year I finished 6th form, and started university. Except I just didn’t. The friendly neighbourhood plague means I effectively cheated my way to my A-Levels, never doing the exams (that I was set to fail, but the system decided I was on line for As for), I got into the second choice uni I had (after only one application related breakdown when I was told in no uncertain terms I was way too stupid for the place I was applying for). I had to move into a hilariously overpriced flat, with a room the size of the average mouse hole, on the other side of the country, unable to make friends or even really communicate with my flat mates (love the neurotypicals). Never got to meet anyone, had to endure the first term, on my own, in my room, never going out or speaking to anyone in person.  Before that, I went through the gauntlet of losing basically every friend from back home I had, thanks to a hilarious amount of drama that came to a heat after, I shit ye not, 3 years of fucking feuding. I got discarded by my girlfriend at the time, got beaten black and blue by the little scrote that my ex had cheated on my with while my friends sat there and watched. I got rejected by the uni I wanted (as aforementioned), and had a breakdown as my entire self-image having been built around my academic performance kinda collapsed.  I tried to conclude that all the bad feelings were clearly not because of anything I’d done, and for a period, thought I was trans. Of course I never spoke to anyone about it, and just bought dodgy meds off of a cheap website, and only VERY recently stopped them with the help of someone I love very dearly, despite the fucking merry hell they were wreaking on my body. An ex, who depending on how down I’m feeling when you ask me, was either horrendously abusive, mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually, or was the best I ever had and one of the few people who’s ever really understood me, had a baby by some scumfuck, having cheated on her boyfriend to get with (and that prior boyfriend having been acquired while she was still with me, lovely woman really), and for God knows what reason, she decided to come to me to ask for help. And for an even more divinely unknown reason, I gave it. I was lonely and alone in a tiny cupboard, and she was a sense of familiarity, no matter what baggage was there, and well, a baby’s a baby, and I don’t have it in me not to offer help for one, no matter whose it is.  And then the coup de grace in all of this. I got the coof, just before moving out,  not thanks to going out, because god knows I never did, but rather by grace of my parents being medics and having brought it back. I had a wonderful time in hospital, really deciding that my lungs would serve so much better as a nice cravat. BUT, it’d be then that something bizarre, something strange, and something beautiful happened. For months prior, I’d become friends again with an old online friend that I’d fallen out of touch with primarily because kik as a messenger fucking died. We’d had an attempt at LDR when we were younger and it didn’t work, I was too needy, yet too bad at communicating to get that across. So, we’d been talking for months, doing some funny rp stuff, some shipping, just being mates. As mentioned in a prior post, oc x canon ships got me a boyfriend.  While I was there, on that bed, dying a death, he decides, and I quote (from a conversation we only had recently) “ah he can’t run away, good, now I’ll tell him”. He confesses. He says he’d been getting feelings for me again. God only knows why, there’s not much here to develop them for, but I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth now. Then however, then I was. I didn’t reject him, I didn’t know what to do at all with that information. If I remember correctly, my exact reaction was something like “Oh, uh, cool” or “that’s great” or something like that. We kept talking, he assumed I was all on board, I assumed he knew I was taking time to process. But, over the weeks and months that followed, well...I fell for him too. Despite the distance. Despite my own absolute terror with regards to emotional intimacy. He never stopped caring, so by god I was gonna be as good to him as he was to me. Frankly without him I would not have made it through this year, and I really hope he knows that.  I got through all this shit. You did too, not the exact same, but something similar. Everyone’s suffered this year. Everyone’s been hurt. Next year is going to be better. I know all the memes paint it like it’s gonna just get worse, but it won’t. You’re going to be fine, and better than that, you’re going to be happy.  I, for one, have plans for the summer, that if the borders are open enough to get away with it, I’m going to fly out to the states, be with him for a few weeks, and I know those weeks are gonna be some of the best of my life. Then in september, again, borders providing, I start my 2 years abroad with school, flying out to Japan for a year, and then from there, the year after, to Taiwan.  You’ll have things too. They might not be big plans like burning all your money on plane tickets, they might be simple little things, going to see family, or friends. Spending time outside, finally reading that book, or watching that show, or doing that thing you always wanted to do. We’ve got a duty, all of us. This year gave us all hell, it kept on wailing on us from January and never stopped, and we all rolled with the punches, we’re the ones who made it through. Next year’s a new round. You can’t fight circumstance with anger, or with hate, or any of that. Getting mad about all the stuff that happens is natural, and it’s expected, and it’s ok, but it won’t do anything. No, the way we win is by making next year a good one, by being happy, by having good times, and by god damn enjoying ourselves, if not for our own good, then out of sheer spite for an uncaring world.  Be good to each other. Love each other. Stick up for each other, and we’ll all make it through this, I promise you.