#this piece is a follow up to the apple reincarnation pieces btw

[angelojpeg]

EVEN RIGHT BEFORE MY DEATH PENALTY, THEY’RE STILL DELICIOUS

[wellthatwasaletdown]

Just a mess but post whenever you're bored lol. Great blog btw.

My advice to Harry for HS2 (this eh… got away from me)

First would be head over to Sweden to Max Martin and beg him to write songs with a kind of racketing Northern UK 80s vibe (think Jessie’s girl), some rollicking early George Michael, and a little bit of Tom Jones cheese on top. No hair metal, no 70s dreariness, no bombast. (Stop trying to reincarnate FM and GnR through a British xfactor contestant Irving – its making everyone look silly!). Second he should head back over to Nashville for some nice country song songs he can pour his wee heart into. It’d be a mixed bag but so were Midnight Memories and MITAM and they’re great albums imo. ‘Girl name’ songs and hook-up songs are mostly banned because HS1 has forever tainted Harry singing songs like that with a truly nasty level of misogyny. Instead the songs should be as follows but in no particular order:

‘A boat from an Island up my Own Arse’ (James’ song) : about what happens when you fall for your own follower count and start acting the arse – relatable for loads of kids in these days of social media notoriety.

This song could be deep and introspective and Harry could get Kodaline to help him write it (they already have a good one on this called The Answer) or it could be a fun rocking slap up his own head, a tongue in cheek send up of his own hype. His choice, artist input is important. You could have loads of fun with this video but Jaffsen (James, Jeff, Ben) are banned from any involvement, except they can cameo as themselves maybe.

2 ‘Look At You Now’ ; continuing on from the theme of 1. This song could be a counterpoint, fast where the other is slow or vice versa. Its not a love song, it’s about that one friend you took for granted, and mean-girled in front of your cooler friends just because they were all awkward laughing and train-track braces but now they’re all grown and fit and you’re looking a bit past your sell by date. Also relatable in a post high school sort of way to a lot of people. Perfect chance for a bit of open-ended homoeroticism - like a love song to how fit and thick your former best male friend has gotten and how you kinds wish you were him.

4. ‘Guess I’m just a Tool’ ; about what happens when the only friends you have, only met you when you were already famous and all your old mates got sick of you. Not a ‘waah haterz abe jealous’ song (the world has had enough of those) – a little insight and something new to say will be required. Sloppy lyrics or ideas not accepted.

5. ‘Looking at me, looking at me’ ; this could be Abba-esque, and the. one. song. where Jeff is allowed to adlib, with ‘Ah-Haaa’ (he must dress as Alan Partridge for the video though that’s non-negotiable). This one is about narcissism in the present day when you realise even on other people’s birthdays you’re always just checking out yourself in the selfie. Could be all deep and sorrowful eiher – but then no Jefe, no adlibs. It would be most fun as a joke song though. We’ll leave it to Harry and his hopefully new therapist to figure out where the song goes.

(Corden would almost certainly want to do the video but he’s banned, along with all the Kardashians. Jefe could cameo as above but not contribute any ideas at all. This could not be Kendall does Protest levels of bad, it’s a song about narcissism, not an exercise in narcissism)

6. ‘You’re to coo-ool for meee, in all the ti-ings you beee’ ; this is about what it’s like when your best friend always looks like Apollo fcked a Disney princess and sent the child to be brought up by the ghost of Jimi Hendrix. Also a good chance for open ended homoeroticism. Every piece of clothing you own looks better on him and he just does everything so much cooler. You hate him but you love him, this love is tainted. A mea culpa for the dark sided shit team Azoff have almost certainly pulled on Z.

7. ‘Don’t you wish you could be Louis’ Girl’ ; a straight up rip off of Jessie’s Girl really. This sounds bad but in a surprise twist it would actually be a paean, a celebration of the string of fit girls Louis has loved, in the best tradition of Northern UK rock. It would be updated to include an element of empathy for, and celebration of, the millions of us who aren’t size E.

The song would also have a note of the longing that comes from your best friend always being in long term relationships along with lots of nice non-misogynistic celebration of women of all shapes and sizes and family types. A mea culpa for Kiwi and all the other nastiness of HS1. Girl Almighty but raunchier music and better lyrics.

Larries will be happy thinking it’s about Harry wishing he was Louis’ girl, but the kindness in the lyrics will cut off the nastiness they tend to spew. Harry will pull on his big boy pants and reiterate the need for fans to stop trashing other women in interviews, while humbly admitting the song is a rip-off, a tongue in cheek homage to

8. ‘Untitled’ ; this is about what happens when your best friend gets on a leetle too well with your love. They have all the same interests, they start to finish each other’s sentences, they get each other’s jokes when you don’t…. they touch each other alot … ‘jokingly’. You don’t wanna act Zealous but fucks sake! …. Cue 1 million Zouis fan vids and Zourry triangle angst fics! I live for them!

9. ‘I got caught up in the wrong kind of love’ ; this one could be serious, country and western vibes, that pulls together a lot of the earlier themes. Its about what happens when you let down the love of your life because you get too caught up in loving your own career. That hot friend from song 8 ends up being their shoulder to cry on and they end up comforting each other in all kinds of ways. You’re all wronged but you all did wrong. Everybody hates everybody but no one can move on. There is potential for two more songs looking at same situation from different angles.

Ssshh, these don’t have to be real - cue aaall the fics, this fandom runs on them after all.

10. A cover of ‘I can’t help falling in love with you.’ Don’t … touch me.

11. Bonus Track: Harry, Liam and Tinie Tempah cover Don’t Worry, Be Happy. It is released as a single and they donate the proceeds to a shelter in Thailand that rescues trafficked girls.

TLDR: Harry ceases to be as ass about 1D and himself and remembers that he got famous by being fun and light and bringing a little joy to people’s lives. He doesn’t have to abandon attempts to write his own deep and / or experimental album, he just has to postpone it until he has the groundwork done, musically, intellectually, spiritually.

Promo: Jaffben are not allowed anywhere near the recording process except for Jefe on song 5. Jefe does not go to RS or NME for promo. He goes to Closer and OK. Harry goes on Loose Women and Elvis Duran and Jonathan Ross and gives intelligible answers about the end of 1D, his last album, his new direction etc and doesn’t act all disingenuous like he doesn’t know why the interviewer would want to know. He gives 0 long-form masturbatory interviews to glossy magazines.

He can draw whatever lines he likes around his personal life as long as he states it clearly, gives a reasonable explanation on his take on privacy now vs the family feel of early 1D, and then sticks to it. Jefe does not use the gossip rags as promo. If he’s being all private then his mother and sister are 100% silent on him too, no backdoor gossip mongering, no nepotism, no encouraging invasive stalkers. He ceases to let all and sundry use him to shill their shit. This fandom has been bled dry enough already. He gets his passive aggressive tendencies under control and only uses them to silence the nastier elements of his fandom.

There is no perfume ad, no docuwank, unless Jaffben want to film themselves actually jerking off to their HS shrines - they can put that on pornhub at their own discretion. Basically Jaffben and Apple are not allowed to monetise the shit out of this fandom. Harry puts himself out there and sells his music. The End.

Or y’know he carries on as is, lets Jefe bag him some more film roles, maybe a romantic ‘comedy’ with the same nasty misogynistic undertones as his album and the shitcom? (Think Apatow but worse) Does another derivative album, gets Irving to pull strings so its praised no matter what, rinse repeat.