#this past week has been really hard bc of other current issues and this just. idk man.

[stackyshenanigans]

Holy shit I was wondering why my mom was so shaken up by the horrible news of the Palestinian boy that was killed until my dad mentioned that his family lives. Like 20 minutes from us. Plainfield is our neighboring town. My mom is shaken up because his family is literally in her school district.

I want to be horrified, I want to be angry but I'm just. So tired.

Crimes against humanity are happening in my backyard and I'm just. Tired.

[everythingisliminal]

Day 20 of 75 Hard

When I complete today, it'll be the furthest I've ever been in this challenge (made it through day 10 then day 19 in 2021).

The journey so far:

Two 45+ minute workouts, 3+ hours apart, at least one of which must be outside. Because I work 10 hour days in wetland restoration navigating mucky, watery, and steep terrain with ~40lbs on my back, I count those 4 workdays as my outdoor workout. Yes it's already part of my routine, but I wasn't going to not do this challenge just because I'm not fitting another workout in before work.

My other outdoor workouts are all walking and/or running around the neighborhood or on trails. My indoor workouts are push, pull, and indoor cycling days with my buddy, bowling with my husband, and following walk/dance/box/lift/yoga vids at home.

Saturdays are wild because I need to get a walk/run in, then go straight to cycling, and then 3 hours later bowl bc my afternoons are booked and I have to get that outdoor workout in but 3 hours away from another workout. Making it work, though!

I did put together an idealized workout schedule to train for the 5 mile trail run my buddy and I signed up for 2 weekends after we complete 75 Hard. Already had to adjust because I twisted my ankle yesterday, so I used that opportunity to try Qigong (followed by 45 min yoga). We'll see if I should stick with walking today or if I can throw in a few 3-4 minute runs.

Honestly, the toughest part of this rule is the scheduling and getting started. I really enjoy the physical activity when I'm in the flow of it.

Take a progress picture. This has been beneficial for me in a way I couldn't predict. The mirror has always surprised me, like "oh, that's what I look like?" It always shows me as curvier, less athletic than I picture myself. Might stem from a grey area of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. It's one of the things I'm talking with my therapist about.

But now that I'm taking a picture of my body every day, I'm realizing that what I'm seeing in the mirror looks better than what I'm seeing in the photo, giving an element of valuing what I see in the mirror. Like, I can more positively accept that that's me. So that's cool.

10 pages of reading a "think about your life" nonfiction book. I read The Book on Mental Toughness, which the creator of 75 Hard wrote. 3 of 5 stars. I might write an extended review, but a lot of the book was like watching a car crash. Yeah, the author's mentally tough, but he's not very well read sociologically. It'll be a tougher read for anyone who's nonbinary, living with intergenerational trauma, or can't stand editing/formatting issues. But there was some insightful info about 75 Hard and the continued LIVEHARD program, and I really benefited from the chapter on drinking water.

Currently reading Weave the Liminal: Living Modern Traditional Witchcraft, which I'm fully enjoying.

Books I'm considering reading next are Rest is Resistance: Free Yourself from Grind Culture and Reclaim Your Life / How to Make Friends & Influence People / The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius / Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good / and Keeping It Living: Traditions of Plant Use and Cultivation on the Northwest Coast of North America.

If anyone has a recommendation for books on Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte, or Aphrodite/Aphroditus, I'm looking to learn more about their part in trans history.

Drink 1 gallon of water. I have to stick with a 90oz goal. I've tried multiple times in the past to drink a gallon a day and always wound up with a horribly sore throat after a few days. Last time, it made me sick for 2 weeks. So 90oz of unflavored water is definitely way more than I'd drink normally (32oz on a good day) but without dipping back into unhealthy territory. There are some days that I can drink more (allowing me to get in some Gatorade, preworkout, or BCAAs), but I also have a steady supply of good cough drops at hand.

I try to get in 32oz before lunch, another 32oz by 5pm, and 26oz+ before sleepy time.

Follow a diet. No cheat meals or alcohol. I'm focused on getting 100+ grams of protein a day (macro balancing and calorie deficit are secondary but seem to be happening naturally). I've also cut out chocolate (this is how I know I mean business), sugary drinks, gluten, and microwavable mac n' cheese type meals.

This is really forcing me to get my act together when it comes to planning/prepping. No more going to the coffee stand for a burrito and red bull before work. I have to either cook breakfast or nom on a protein bar. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at least 2 snacks all have to be protein-centric for me to meet my goal. It's wild to think of how little protein I must have been getting. But now I'm full, and then I'm hungry! There's no middle ground of kinda-hungry filled with chips and milk teas. All this meal prepping and forcing myself to eat well for 75 days will probably be one of the most beneficial things I've ever done for myself.

Tangentially, cutting out chocolate meant cutting out my herbal calm chocolate supplements I always had at night to help myself wind down. Now I have to get off my phone earlier and stretch/meditate/read to get myself prepped for bed. It's good stuff.

Also, I don't drink alcohol, so there's no challenge for me there.

Overall: I'm so glad I'm doing this. This is helping me live my life the way I actually want to live it. I'm developing daily discipline and gaining insights into myself. I've lost 6lbs, my clothes fit better, and I can navigate terrain more easily. I'm enjoying trails in my free time. I was wishy-washy about my goals when I tried 75 Soft a couple months ago, and so didn't stick with them. With 75 Hard, my commitment is unquestionable. This is what my life looks like for the next 56 days. Afterward, I'll take what I like and ditch anything I don't.

If you're considering 75 Hard yourself, do make a game plan. Figure out what your diet is going to be and shop for it. Know how you'll track your water. Schedule a week or two of workouts that help you fulfill a goal (finding out what's fun for you, increasing strength/flexibility/speed, getting outside, hanging out with someone, whatever). Get a book. Give yourself this Day 0 to set yourself up for success.

Then START :D

[allthecanadianpolitics]

Hey, I’m not sure where I can get reliable info on this and thought you and/or your followers might be a good shot

How’s the COVID situation in BC? My health has taken a decline and I really wanna go to the gym again, since I haven’t gone since before the pandemic. But I don’t know if the situation is safe enough to go, especially if I do what I wanna do, which is not wearing a mask, since I have a hard time breathing with the mask if I’m doing strenuous activity (not trying to sound like a Karen here, I’m being serious— wearing a mask will make working out virtually impossible for me)

I’ve still been wearing a mask wherever I go, and I know most others don’t do that these days, but my issue is that I noticed the restrictions got looser after the Freedom Convoy, and I suspect that it’s because of backlash from COVID deniers that restrictions have been eased so much. Please correct me if I’m wrong on this!! I just don’t know what to believe anymore because everything seems so muddled up from conspiracies and pandering

Do you or your followers have any good insight on this?

BC has had 263 Covid cases in the past week. This is a rate of 5 per 100,000 people. Compared to all the provinces that are still reporting cases, this goes as follows:

Manitoba: 4

BC: 5

Ontario: 8

Quebec: 15

Canada: 7

So, BC is doing a bit better than the national average, but its still not over.

[17gz]

do you mind me asking what just happened w you guys’ roommate? of course lmk if youd rather not talk about it, i just didnt wanna ask about the situation through replies and thought itd be better to ask here in case youd wanna answer privately 🙁 regardless i hope you two are okay

tldr:

a friend i've known for 6 years + the two of us moved into this apartment last summer

i'd lived w this friend a few years before this and i thought they'd grown and worked on shit (boy was i wrong)

things were okay in the first half of our lease, minor problems but it seemed like we had a good foundation laid out for living together and we had plans to renew when this current lease ended

abt 4 months ago, my roommate met this person off a dating app and they basically immediately got together and their partner showed up one day and never left

even after trying to put boundaries down abt this, they didnt listen to any of it

i also don't trust their partner bc everyone thats met them has caught some of their lies. their entire story doesnt check out

the partner (on the day our friend found recent texts on their phone to their ex) got evicted from their old place bc they couldnt pay rent and they kinda cornered us and "asked" if their partner could live with us (not paying any rent btw) and we had rly no choice but to say yes

on top of that, their partner has been fatphobic and shitty and disrespectful to us on a near daily basis. nobody in my friends life likes this partner, not their parents or any of their friends, and especially us. i tried talking to my friend about this and they acted like they took it seriously but clearly didn't...

shit kept building after they were making us feel uncomfortable and intrusive in our own apartment for 4 months, and initially i said we could renew the lease since $875 rent per person sounded tempting + i found this unit + i like this unit + i hate moving, but it just really wasnt a good idea

the final straw was my friends partner being extremely rude and disrespectful to my high school friend during pride (my hs friend is a trans woman) and when we talked to them about it, they denied everything and deflected so fucking hard, we were completely fed up with it and realized that 4 months of this has been hell and i can't do another 12 months of this

last tuesday, we told them that we would not be renewing our lease, which ends july 30. we apologized about the late notice, and explained our side and tried to be as sympathetic and helpful as possible abt them renewing the lease with other roommates, but they were upset and i get being upset, so i was giving them some space etc

we made our conversation as mature and non aggressive as possible, ive been trying to stay as collected and polite as physically possible, especially since we are the only two men in this unit

they started being extremely passive aggressive and rude and awful to us throughout the past week, and even when i was helping them figure shit out with our landlord etc, they were still so rude to us... i mean slamming doors and stomping their feet and rolling their eyes when we walk past and deadbolting the door when we leave the apartment etc

after so much hostility etc in this unit, we stayed with mutual friends for the weekend and we told them abt everything and they were all extremely supportive and said we were not at all in the wrong for this, and that we have been extremely patient with them for so long. even a friend i didnt expect to side with us was 100% on our side and wants to talk to them one on one

we're in the process of applying for a new unit and fingers crossed we can move out asap. we started properly packing today, and during that, our friend asked to talk to us

they asked what we left out of our convo and what personal issues we had, i said i'm not comfortable talking about that until we're in our separate apartments and things have cooled down more. they were really mad that i was firm on that, they accused us of creating the tension and hostility in the apartment, despite the fact that we have actively been avoiding causing shit because our stress levels are through the roof and they're already demonizing us to others bc we put down a boundary, i can't be petty etc and give them an actual reason to demonize us.

as we kept talking, they were like. shaking with rage with a smile on their face and saying passive aggressive shit to us and saying we need to move out sooner than our planned move out date...

important context: my dad is the guarantor, i found this unit, and 99% of the furniture etc we have here is ours.

(disclaimer before i say this, i know various people with BPD. people that will take accountability for their actions and take steps to work on their coping mechanisms and behavior etc.) but this "friend" has BPD that they use as an excuse for every single one of their shitty actions and does not take any responsibility for their behavior. their partner, as far as i know, is not diagnosed with anything and while i'm no psychiatrist, i've had 3 diff people (including my actual psychiatrist) say this is telltale NPD. again not to say that makes you a terrible person, but when you don't take any steps to work on yourself etc and harm others around you, thats what i take issue with. its the definition of a volatile BPD + NPD relationship...

ive also been there for this friend more times than i can count. i've wiped so much snot and tears from their face, i've put aside my own shit to help them and i've done so much for them. thats rarely been reciprocated... they do not give a shit about us and it completely showed today when they talked to us and it became clear they were trying to financially trap us here and they're furious that we put a boundary down. they treat us like their parents, their therapists, and their savings account, and if we EVER did something like that to them, the fallout would be nuclear.

i'm literally shaking typing this and hearing them come out of their room slamming doors and shit. i don't know what they're capable of, and i don't know if they're planning on doing anything, but im afraid because i don't know. i've been having nonstop panic attacks recently and the living situation here is adding immense stress on top of the apt hunting process and moving process. i feel fucking sick genuinely

i'm sure i've left a LOT out, but its been nightmarish here

[lucysweatslove]

Life/school updates again bc that is basically all this blog has turned into.

Dyed my hair last weekend. It’s been almost a full week. Some of it has washed out so really it’s just a little darker and more of a cool toned almost-black imo. I like it.

Since I won the VP thing, school has felt weird. I get this weird impression that some people are mad or annoyed. There are many reasons why I might be picking up on this- and idk if it’s even mad/annoyed because how tf am I supposed to know- but idk. If it IS because I won, that feels weird to me. I didn’t NOT want to win, but it’s not like I intentionally ran against the other girl in my cohort. I had no idea anybody else was running or had been nominated- and I had asked last year’s president (who was orchestrating it) to be sure. I had (and have) no intent to take away anything from anybody else. I also didn’t play dirty or anything. Like I get being disappointed if a close friend lost, but idk. If I had lost, I wouldn’t be angry or upset at anybody in particular or take out disappointment on anybody. It would just be like, yeah, more people in the class that voted chose that person. And every one of my classmates has some amazing things going for them- minus the fact that I feel less safe with some classmates than others, I don’t think anybody would do a BAD job in the role, so why be upset, you know?

Before I applied for the VP thing (before I was even nominated), I had told the MS2s that I was interested in the derm groups, but only if there was need. Like I’m interested but I was pretty clear that I don’t want to take away from anybody else. If other people are interested, let them lead. Well it turns out I’m now co-leading the derm interest group and leading the derm service learning group.

Another classmate texted me about the service learning group today. She recently shadowed a derm and liked it and wants to get more involved, both to explore and, I think, to show long-term interest in case she decides to go for derm. So I think if I can make it work, I’ll have her co-lead it too. I haven’t heard back from the current (MS2) lead though to talk to him about it.

It feels kind of weird having so many of us (10%) interested in derm. Idk if that’s the route I’m going to go for sure, but I loved working in derm, and my Autistic Special Interest (TM) is sunscreen so it fits lmao. 10% is just weird though. Though I go to a good school, matching derm is hard and few people do it. 6 people total matched derm this past match from the whole school (all like 270 of us). The prior year was also 6, but 2021 was only 2. Statistically speaking maybe one of us will match derm.

Which kinda goes back to me not wanting to take away opportunities. Something that is very hard for me: advocating for myself when it might come at the detriment of others. I feel like the girl that “doesn’t even go here” from Mean Girls sometimes. I genuinely want every one of us to succeed and match into desired specialties, and I want to support my classmates as much as possible….

The problem is that derm is hella competitive, and mostly it’s not even people who love derm. It’s people who love the lifestyle and money and “prestige” of derm and then forge connections. Or are already connected.

I have a leg up in a sense because I have connections from prior work, but they’re connections from my small “rural” state, not research connections or “big name” connections.

Which means regardless of my genuine interest (and the numbers of people from Reddit who DM me to ask about sunscreen and then tell me I should have a YT channel because of how well I can explain the concepts lmao), if I can’t force the “right” connections, I won’t match.

Then there’s the whole step 2 score issue too, which like, when you’re arguing over who to admit between a 272 and a 273, it’s just borderline ridiculous (the numbers might not mean anything to you, but those scores are somewhere in the 97-98th percentile.

Anyway, I want to be involved in things I’m interested in, and even if I don’t end up trying for derm, I still think derm is super important for a rural physician. Derms are more common where I live because we are a “recreation town” and attract a lot of derms, but out in the sticks, so wait times aren’t terrible, but it IS difficult for some patients to travel. If you are comfortable treating some of the most common derm diseases, can do a decent skin exam, and doing some of the most common derm procedures (like cryotherapy), you can improve patient outcomes for vulnerable rural populations.

Thank you for coming to my rant.

[ratgingi]

some margo content because i need to figure out how to draw her more . plus some misc facts abt her under cut

i cant remember if i mentioned it before or not but she tends to change jobs often, she hasn't been fired from any but instead she will pick up jobs and quit them a few months later after she grows bored with them. the places in town she's worked at include the arcade (she worked there before exie, and exie only worked with her for a few weeks as by the time she started the job margo was already getting ready to work elsewhere), the petstore (it was her first job in town, and well before outis was in the picture), the funfair (she worked at one of the game stalls), and the mcphonalds (where she and juniper met). shes also worked at a couple places outside city limits. a good chunk of the places she's worked at are still open to her to go back to as she is a decent employee who works hard at her jobs and learns fast. there are a few places shed never even consider though either because theyd take too long to be qualified for or just seem generally uninteresting to her.

the tattoo/piercing parlor she currently works at wouldnt be a place youd get to actually visit in her route but would probably be mentioned in passing a couple times

while growing up whenever she would act too 'girly' her father would pay their neighbors to teach her more 'manly' things, so as a result she knows how to do a handful of more technical things like minor car repairs/put together furniture/etc, and also went through some fighting classes and stuff. shes also good at things like repairing clothes and cooking because addy made sure to teach her stuff like that as well

she also has a number of random talents/general things she can do from hobbies she got into and since dropped, things like crochet, gardening, baking, etc etc. she isnt Fantastic at any of them really but shes decent at them. jack of many ace of none type deal

adelaide was actually the one who helped her pick her name bc when she was trying to figure out what she wanted to be called she asked her if she had any ideas and addy told her that she'd had the name margo picked out for her before she was born

she likes doing puzzles and stuff, the bigger or more complicated the better. she has a couple 3d puzzle figures hanging out in her house but they change often as she gets bored of seeing the same ones. theres a closet in her hallway that has nothing but the boxes past puzzles she's finished stay in

she has a big heart, but because of her issues with connection she refuses to let her more caring side show in the hopes it'll help others not to get too attached to her. she isnt rude or anything like that and if someone is clearly in need of some sort of shoulder to cry on she tends to soften up but otherwise youre most likely to get a distant n cold politeness, she believes that by doing so shes doing you a favor and would rather keep herself closed off than hurt you if her whole attachment issue acts up. however if she doesnt like you she just flat out wont interact with you no matter how much you try. you could be standing in front of her waving your hands in her face and she'll act like you dont exist to the point of actually walking into you and not acknowledging it if need be

during her route the player would be able to accompany her to do things like run errands around town, which is sorta the sign that youve Made It because youre allowed to just sorta exist with her without her insisting you go do something else/trying to keep away from you yknow. her way of showing affection is pretty much just i allow you to exist near me/i choose to exist near you and on the surface literally stops there so

the only person she considers herself to be genuinely close to is her mother, and even then from a distance you wouldnt even really be able to tell that theyre close from her end. addys a pretty vocally affectionate person and is also the only person margo allows to do things like hug/pat her (addy still does so sparingly and asks before hand for the sake of margos comfort <3)

when she got her first tattoo she sorta did so in an effort to make herself commit to something but has since forgotten that motivation for them and now just likes getting them because they look cool

she has really pretty handwriting because she went through a phase where she was really into calligraphy. for technical things like letters/important papers/what have you she writes in print but otherwise she likes doing it really fancy and would probably be one of those people who writes stupid shit in fancy letters on tiktok

she has a big thing about honesty, as shes pretty good at telling when people are lying even if she doesnt really know them. this is partially why trying to lie and come up with a fake answer when asking her out would result in her turning you down bc 1. doesnt really seem interesting and 2. she can tell youre not telling her the truth and decides she has better things to do

[heottokes]

fyi.

i'm sure no one is that surprised by my inconsistency since i've always been a shit updater/poster (acquiesce has been going on for 3 years now bc of how bad i am at this)

but i thought i should officially address why that is.

i can give several reasons (excuses) like, i am not confident in my writing, i have a busy personal life, sometimes i get writers block and lack motivation to continue, and i am not an involved kpop fan as i used to be anymore (i still listen everyday but i don't get into the other content as much as i used/like to)

but my main problem is that i have mental health issues (i might have hinted at this but never really properly addressed it) it comes and goes. sometimes it stays longer than usual. this is something i have been battling for at least 10 years now. kpop has been one of the things that helped me find happiness and i am much better now but sometimes it's hard to fight. when i get into these ruts my entire life stops - it's hard for me to do anything much less update my writing weekly. the only thing i do during those times is try to not spiral even further and trying to get out of it.

i am currently going through that moment and have been going through it more frequently these past 3 years since getting out of my rock bottom but i am working hard to get out of it every single time.

hopefully i am able to post the next chapter this week but i wanted to explain why i am so inconsistent with writing

i appreciate every single one of you that has showed any interest in my writings. it really does help knowing there is someone waiting for the next chapter as i use it to push myself to get better quicker. i cannot make any promises that i will be consistent this time but i just wanted to explain why my postings are like this. i completely understand if you lose interest in my stories because of it but if you are still interested i am sincerely appreciative of it and have so much love for you <3

[someotherdog]

get to know the author!

name : velouria! mutuals can call me rachel if they want since it's my real name but i respond to both

pronouns :  she/her

preference of communication : i prefer tumblr im to start with so we can get to know each other and do some light plotting. then move onto discord for in-depth plotting if our personalities mesh well :)

most active muse :  i go through phases where i'll have a lot of muse for a certain few one week and then lose their voice the next week lol, and a lot of the muses i have are quite selective because their setting/personality is very specific and can sometimes be hard to tap into. generally, i'm always rarin' to go with jeannie, ingrid, lisa, gideon, heidi, vikram, and taher. (now actually getting people to rp with these hoes is the hard part lmao)

experience / how many years : i don't want to talk abt it... jk, i started in 2005 i believe? on myspace mainly and i lurked a few message boards back in the day but never actually used them. i wasn't always roleplaying though, i'd often take long breaks throughout the years, sometimes for months, but it's been a part of my life for a long time! after myspace shut down, i went on to roleplayer.me until 2015 when one day i saw an rpg promo in devon bostick's tag (that name's a blast from the past, i know) and i subsequently made the permanent switch to tumblr :) so you can pretty much consider me a veteran around these parts. i remember the days when people used the cast of one tree hill when it was actually currently airing as fcs (or playbys, as we called them) and every third muse was named seraphina!!!

best experience : i think one of the best times i had on here was during christmas 2015 in the rpg hell state bc it was very active and i had a lot of good storylines going! the best time i had on rp.me was the group verse i had for a knockoff of terra nova called alia terra, which i actually made into an rpg on here and then made a closed verse between lucia and i so we could continue some dino fun! but i did it on rp.me shortly before i made the switch to tumblr so i kinda roll that all into one. i mean don't get me wrong i've had some great experiences on here, and lately have been having an amazing time with my writing partners, new and old, but those two are events that stick out in my mind. and also meeting lucia in 2015 duhhh of course!!!!!!!

rp pet peeves : honestly i don't want to say bc i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or discourage people from writing with me lmfao, but i'll just say it has to do with dropping articles and using two certain french words 😬😬😬

fluff, angst, or smut : if i could crush up angst and snort it i would. i don't write smut (just a personal choice, not a judgment!) and fluff doesn't really interest me unless there's an undercurrent of angst or toxicity lmaooo, but i'm mostly interested in genre fiction like horror/slasher or sci-fi anyway and angst is kind of a package deal with those topics

plots or memes : i like to start with a general idea and then just kinda improvise. i also don't mind having structed plot points like going from a > b > c but having the freedom to do what we want in between those points. i also have absolutely no issue with changing or adding things as we go along! i'm basically very hype for anything

long or short replies : i'm a wordy bitch! when it comes to replies, i tend to stick with 2-4 for my 'shorter' threads but i have no issue getting up to 5-9 paragraphs if i'm really feeling something. no worries about matching length, btw, as long as it's not egregious like getting a few sentences in response when i wrote you four paragraphs, because i feel that's just rude. i also tend to start out small and get bigger as we go on, since i do like to begin with a general idea and add on from there

time to write : so before i started my current job, i only wrote at night because writing when the sun was up seemed morally wrong lmfao. nowadays, i sometimes write my replies at work on my google drive and then edit/format them once i get home, but that's only when i work alone and it's not super busy, and i actually have writing muse for that day. after work, i'll get on after midnight since i don't get home until late and need to put on my jammies, take off my makeup, eat dinner, and watch some tv. even on my days off, i most likely won't get on until late in the night because my family actually has the audacity to want to see me during the daylight hours 🙄

are you like your muses : i have a lot of muses that share similarities with myself, but i also have muses i have absolutely nothing in common with, like blair the satanic serial killer or lauren the son of a cult leader turned political campaign manager. more than likely they'll have something random from me like also being allergic to penicillin or they drive a buick like i do lmao, but i don't have a muse i would really consider my 'self-insert' character!

tagged by: @thewolfruns

tagging: i feel like everyone has been tagged to do this already?? so if you haven't, pretend i did so you can have some fun too :)

[thatgirlkalani]

bye?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm in full blown self destruct mode my life is a series of unfortunate events and it Dosent seem to be getting any better I have no will to live but I'm scared to die..not really scared to do but scared to do it myself...every couple of weeks its something new and fuccin terrible its been like that since the car crash I literally can't catch a break I can't win and I'm so mf tired of it after all the shit I been thru I still care too much I still love too hard I still give too many fuccs and I don't know how to turn it off I Juss wanna be numb or not exist or some shit I'm always seeing the good in people when the human race is literally shit. I feel like everybody in my life currently doesn't fwm as much as I fw them and I'm over exerting and ppl don't actually like me and I know they don't care how I do I can tell by little things...not answering a text..a call. bluffing on a link...and I just sense energies ... I don't have friends that are like me and I haven't in years and the one I did have. I lost at no fault of my own all of my friendships and relationships go to shit anytime somebody makes me happy they leave or get taken or change but something always goes wrong I find somebody I actually care or want to care about and get traumatized by it I have horrible taste in men bc. I seem to only want the ones that are gonna ruin my life stress me out or could give two fuccs how I feel and its crazy because they seem to be the only ones I relate or feel close to then its alll down tf hill from there. Idk if my poor choices in men comes from wanting to get as far from people like my family or from my long ass list of SA history but either way its gone to shit all these niggas do is hurt the feelings that I barley have , disappoint me, not give a Fucc inconvenience me or all of the above....the hyper sexuality has calmed down for the time being but the hyper fixation has kicked in there's no in-between I'm either completely cool on everybody, hyper sexual because I need to be in control of my body or I'm hyper fixated... normally on somebody who could give two shits.. and can't find interest in anybody else which is where I'm currently at...and I have every reason to be obsessed with this man even tho I know I shouldn't but its too late bc I genuinely fwh again I know better but currently I'm stuck and at a point where I hate myself because I watch him want/give everybody a chance but me then I'm forced to hear about it but have to play it cool bc I Juss want to keep him in my life atp bc. I don't have much... I don't really know how to pinpoint where all my abandonment issues came from but at the same time I can point out specific situations that have added to them because everyone that I attach myself to leaves.. and or hurts tf out of me and its been happening since I was 14 friendships and relationships alike.....why I really Juss wanna disconnect from everybody and I do ever so often but I get lonely and I hate that I wish I didn't need anybody.. I wish a lot I wish I didn't hate myself..I wish I didn't give so many chances.. wish I didn't love people who don't love me bacc...wish I could go numb, wish I didn't have mommy and daddy issues mannn fml. the. mommy and daddy issues is a whole other story because they weren't abusive in anyway except emotionally and I don't think they meant it but I just can't get past it... its hard to show affection to them and shit of that nature I wish we were closer I wish we shared similar views I wish I was comfortable going to them but I don't..im the. blacc sheep of the family and even if they wont admit it they know and I feel it.. I'm honestly tired of existing tired of the panic attacks tired of the manic episodes tired of the abandonment issues tired or the attachment issues tired of it all I really don't wanna be here doing this atp I'm only living for my grandmas...and. I guess my parents idk bc I don't wanna be here but I don't wanna hurt them..but I feel like I have nothing and no one anyone I had anyone I related to anyone that was my..

[just-kiss-me-you-fool-hehe]

wow

hey im struggling. i feel like i always end up in this weird state no matter how much i try, i feel like i keep failing. i made myself way too tired this weekend and i have been trying to be present thru everything even when things are going bad, but today i really struggled because i had a raging headache bc i was too tired and then i had to suffer thru lunch and then i threw up bc the lunch was bad and then it took me a long time to figure out how to fix it and then i cancelled dinner plans which made me feel better because i was dreading having to make conversation but now that i dont have dinner plans i can chill at home but my issue is why do i dread both outcomes, it feels like i cant be happy regardless of what i choose and i just feel so stuck because no matter how much i try to be my own friend it feels like im constantly working against myself and self sabotaging like i think i wouldve had a very different week if i gave myself rest this weekend and was able to come here with more energy and it didnt help that i had my period which made my anemia worse. when i had just found out about my anemia i was so good about taking my supplements and eating well but as soon as i started feeling a little better i forgot all about taking care of myself. it feels this way constantly where i am able to focus on the thing that is important to me for a while but then something happens, and the pain seeps in again, and i self sabotage and things feel bad and i start dissociating and making poor decisions. i know the best way is to keep fighting, to keep correcting the voice in my head that tells me im a piece of shit that will never improve and i know that once i start exercising more regularly and feeling good in my body that it will help me to be nicer to myself and i know all i can do is pick myself up from the current point and do better instead of wallowing in the sadness of having dissociated once again. the thing is i know im doing better little by little every day that i try and all i need to do is try. i just gotta keep making the good decisions as often as i can even if it means i cant make them every and especially after i come out of a haze of having made a string of bad decisions. i think it is just really difficult to be present with the idea that 1. i am the only one responsible for how tired and bad i feel because i spent too much time socializing this weekend. 2. i keep socializing because i have this incessant need to be with people so i don't have to face my fear of being alone bc being alone means that i will have to go back to dark and sad places in my past and there will be no one around to comfort me. 3. despite knowing all this, i still sometimes make the bad choice because it feels good in the moment and more importantly fulfills this need school age me had of wanting to fit it but the thing is this need never feels satisfied and even when it does it doesn't feel very meaningful because i changed myself to get there. i know that the reason i feel bad all the time is because i dont want to accept that i have to experience some sad emotions from the past but the only way out is thru and i dont understand how to teach the concepts of cause and effect to someone (me) who has constantly sacrificed everything for some version of validation that doesnt even feel good, being popular feels pointless because its based on other peoples views of you but i just want to have a positive view of myself. that's why it felt so easy to be with my ex because it was easy to believe in the positive view he had of me but somehow it's so hard for me to see myself how he saw me. i guess all this to say, how do i get out of these cycles of self sabotage then dissociating then having to pick myself back up and start again trying to be present and hoping that this time i dont self sabotage and i dont dissociate after doing it?

[87435678753256732]

manifestations + new stuff

what will be happening this year:

will start grad school (3 years)

possibly moving out?

I had talked to my mother about moving out about a year ago. It was just contemplation. What she said to me was nicer than what I imagined it would be. basically, she stated that she would support me, as she knows that I would eventually move on with my own life. this was way better than what I thought it would be. I had internalized the guilt of a first gen daughter, and assumed that I would get hit with a guilt trip. Now that grad School will start in august, I have been starting to actually look into it. the guilt mostly came from how my mother would pay rent. who would cover my portion? I did remember that she told me one of her friends was interested, so maybe she still is? I brainstormed and rehearsed what I would say for the entire day basically. if I said ONE wrong thing, she would easily twist that and use it against me.

The conversation I had with her was tough, but I wasn't attacked which was nice. basically said that if I wanted to do that, I have 30 days to do it and I would have to figure out my own bills that I go half with her. I was taken a back, especially because i didn't state a definite day that I would leave. im hoping it is just a test, lmao? I would have to figure out 1. rent 2. cell phone bill 3. car insurance 4. internet 5. light (utilities) + other expenses like food. I am going half on our car insurance, so that'll be interesting to figure out. it feels like she wants to completely cut me off, which I understand if that is what independence looks like, but it is a very hard transition. my sister will start college soon, so hopefully she can get a job and help my mom with rent + the additional person that will rent my room which I assume will be her friend that was interested.

as for myself, im kind of winging it. I would like it to either be by work, or by school. I should be able to find a decent deal in oc, but lb def has cheaper prices. if I go to lb, I will be leaving oc which I don't think im ready for? my boyfriend has been having issues with his roommate, mostly bc of their differences in lifestyles. based off what he told me, I think his friend may be autistic, which makes it difficult for him to communicate and adapt to change. I feel a bit bad bc it was me coming over that caused this. my bf feels bad bc they've been friends for so long, and he's not sure if he has ruined their friendship. I tried to comfort him and went over how to present his feelings to his roommate, without making it sound like a guilt trip. his roommate said he needs to leave asap, but is open to paying his part until the lease ends (oct) which is interesting. the rate that they are paying is what a 1b1b is going for, which is wild? if his roommate does leave, the possibility of us living together increases. I would feel more comfortable living with him than with new people. it seems very fast, I am aware of that, but I really do love him and don't have a bad gut feeling about this. I still haven't told my mom that I am contemplating living with him, mostly bc I do not want her to see him as a bad person, bc she easily splits. when we had the conversation, she did not bring him up which was a little surprising. there could also be the possibility that she likes him compared to my past partners. I will talk to him about this later today, and what my plan is. im not exactly sure how serious my mom was when she told me she wanted me to have it figured out by may (two weeks?), but she could also be testing to see if im as capable of being an adult as id like to think I am. welp!

income wise, im doing pretty well. I make 25/hr FT, around 4000. my partner makes around the same as well. he's currently doing a certificate program that could bump up his income once he has the certificate and takes advantage of the career center program available for folks in tech classes. based off the stuff he's doing, income will most likely go up (tech related), especially in OC where there's so many companies looking. remote work is also a possibility. I would def not be contemplating moving if we both worked service jobs. but I should be good as rates go up. what im not too sure about is my moms income. she works two jobs, and brings in around 2500/mo. my sister could pitch in around 500 if she gets a job. the roommate (prob her friend, Bee) will prob be looking at 1-1.5k. making it 1k mom, 500 sister, 1.5k roommate. so looks like it should work out? I was also thinking abut my dog as well. initially, we got her for me as an ESA, but she has become super close with my mom and probably likes her the most. so she'll most likely stay here.

im very excited to see what my next steps will be. it will be hard, esp adjusting after being with my mom for so long. but its okay, life goes on and I guess my start will be in 2023.

easter went good! I spent Sunday with I and his family. there was a good chunk of them, around 10-15??? they were all very nice and welcoming! this was his hispanic side, which he basically grew up with. his aunt liked that I spoke Spanish, and they probably liked that I was latino and visibly brown as well LOL. my bf was trying to enjoy the event, but it was hard when he was just thinking about his friendship in the back of his head. I got home early that night bc he was feeling tired, which I understood. it was cool to finally be around a lot of cool people/family. my family is small, and with my moms personality disorder, she always has beef with them so we have NEVER had a gathering that I can remember (23 years? lol) mostly because of her pride and individualistic selfishness. I understand why she would think that way. to her. she's closer with her sisters in Mexico, but due to her status, she cannot see then unless she gets documentation or if she just decides to go back. we have had the convo before, and she has said that her hopes are to go back to Mexico and live in the home that she was been putting money in for the past two decades. ive been aware of this, especially when many of my own clients born in Mexico that have shared that their end goal is to be in Mexico bc they don't want to pass away here. I don't think that will be any time soon. maybe once my sister goes her own way. anyway, thats it for now. I will practice some manifestation bc tiktok astrologers are saying its important

[mandana-the-service-pup]

We’ve tried A LOT of booties.

Nonstop Dog Wear does have a version called protector booties which has a rubber coating and is better shaped for the paws than their thinner booties which have a square design that leaves excess fabric that could be an issue in some situations. The problem I have with their Protector booties is that they are hard to get on compared to other dog shoe designs.

Ruffwear GripTrex are good. Cons is that they can flip, they can be hard on dewclaws unless you meticulously wrap your dogs paws with vetwrap, they wear out prematurely bc the rubber ends just below the dogs nails so nails end up poking through long before the rest of the shoe wears out. Pros is that they are easy to get on, durable, the mesh makes them breathable, design is attractive. I’ve heard it’s really hard to get Ruffwear products to Australia tho

We actually prefer HC Pet Boots on Amazon. There are lots of cheap brands on Amazon which look similar but I’ve tried nearly all of them and HC Pet Boots have the best quality and design. I prefer the double straps and softer fabric around the wrist to the hard strap on the Ruffwear boots. The rubber comes up past the nails so they don’t wear out prematurely like Ruffwear. The lower cost is a huge plus but most dogs have two different sizes for front and back feet (back are usually smaller) Ruffwear sells in sets of two so you can get different sizes but HC Pet Boots are in four packs so you’ll have to buy two sets. Their waterproof shoes are amazing and hardly ever flip over or come off and don’t collect snow like Ruffwear Polar Trex. Their mesh shoes are great for most situations and dry out quicker after washing them so they aren’t as prone to smelling bad like waterproof dog shoes are. Mandana wears a size 6 in the back and 7 in the front. The Ruffwear equivalent for her is 2.75 in back and 3 in front.

Alternative to boots, I wouldn’t use paw wax bc it would just melt off and doesn’t provide much thermal protection but you can get a spray called Tuffeoot (there are probably other brands idk) Hunters use it to toughen their dogs paws before hunting season. You have to use it a lot at first and then like once a week to maintain it. It should help toughen paw pads so they aren’t as likely to get damaged.

To be honest, if I was in your situation I wouldn’t use shoes if I could help it. I grew up in Texas and I’ve been to Australia so I understand the heat. One of the few places a dog can sweat is their paws and when you put shoes on them it keeps them from being able to regulate their heat as well. I use shoes a lot but on hot days I immediately take them off my service dog as soon as we go inside so she can cool off and her paws are hot and sweaty just from the parking lot. If you live in an area with mostly shaded sidewalks then I would suggest using Tuffoot to strengthen the paw pads and not using shoes but just sticking to the shade and/or grass as much as possible. Dirt or sand can get hot enough to blister feet so if there’s not enough shade I wouldn’t risk it. Besides if it’s that hot then your pup will probably be at risk for heatstroke no matter what they have on their feet so use some common sense.

Also, just a side note about evaporative cooling gear. It doesn’t work in high humidity. Low humidity is great and I highly recommend but anything above like 45% humidity it doesn’t evaporate and just traps the heat against their body. I’ve made that mistake before so even though you’re asking about boots I just want to make sure you are aware. There are some jackets which are designed to reflect the sun and currently on really hot days we use the Ruffwear Trail Runner mesh harness and I put gel ice packs in the pockets along her back to keep her cool.

Hi I was scrolling and realised from your posts. You have weather and dogs! I was wondering if you know much about good brands for dog shoes? I've heard they can be bad but also I'm in Australia and at the moment we cannot walk our puppy most days because the ground would burn her little feet. So I figured I'd ask in case you do know any since I've never had dogs as high energy as our puppy. In summer they be lazy inside. Our girl wants walks still so. Shoes and short walks sounds like a plan that could work for her through the hotter months. Thanks either way though! Have a great day!

Hello! This is a weather we are unfamiliar with unfortunately/fortunately!

We've only very recently started trying out boots for Sparty (salted winter roads + river smoke, and skinny little legs) but haven't really gotten very far.

I feel like at least some of the service dog handlers I follow (ie @mandana-the-service-pup ?) prefer rubber-soled boots with wraparound elastics similar in design to Ruffwear's, but this really isn't an issue I've put enough thought or effort into to make personal recommendations. Good luck though!

[zee-writes-and-draws]

Normal world AU where the different buildings are just random groups of people and all of them ended up moving to the small village near the supposedly ‘haunted’ mountain that Samon and Enki grew up on bc property values are low as shit, and all of the minors are adopted by the guards. Qi has basically just grabbed Upa and Liang and ran the hell away from the Chinese mafia. Samon sees this random man dragging two half-dead children with him and this is now the very first time any of the new residents of the village find out the ‘hauntings’ that lowered property values were just a teenage Enki post massive growth spurt and a very small and over-energetic Samon that haven’t been seen in well over a decade.

- Hajime has, unfortunately, agreed to look after Jyugo and Nico while Rock and Uno try to find legal jobs, but it’s a lot on him. He and Seitarou help Uno and Rock fight a case to get custody of the two minors. Yamato is helping Tsukumo get a restraining order against his former agent and various paparazzi, as well as going to therapy so he doesn’t constantly feel the need to put on a persona in front of others. Hajime is a teacher at the local school (since there’s a decent number of local kids and then the building children), Yamato is the school’s coach, and Seitarou sells uniforms/cute festival stuff but is also occasionally seen working with the age 7 and below kids because they’re all very small and nice.

- Kiji is trying to cure Honey of his anger management issues and Trois of his pyromaniac tendencies. His day job is making and testing makeup that everyone buys, like mascara and eyeliner and hair gel. His second in command is working in one of the other small shops, selling everyone clothes (he and Seitarou make the clothing together).

- Kenshirou is only here because some of his dogs are sick and this village has been weirdly good for their health. Along the way he lets Musashi and Hitoshi stay with him because they help on chores and the dogs love both of them very much. He helps with the local stray problem by opening a shelter and rehabilitating most of them (the few who can’t be fixed to near-perfect health are still loved and cared for). Hitoshi bakes lots of food and sells it at Shiro’s restaurant, which is also why his presence is appreciated. Musashi tutors online part-time after Mitsuru rigged up wifi for them. Between all three of their jobs they can afford a place that’s small but has four tiny rooms so each person can a private space. (They sleep in the living room that’s been transformed into the group bedroom).

- Mitsuru is considered the local nuisance in so many ways, but after all of his loudspeakers and amplifiers have been confiscated he’s forced to resort back to regular hand-made instruments, so he at least gets to learn something entertaining as he irritates everyone with his noise-making. He and Momoko live in the same house but there’s a line drawn on the inside and outside that splits the house in half so everyone realizes in all of ten seconds they’re not actually together together, just saving on rent as long-term friends. Momoko works on managing the more official stuff to keep the town from being erased. She’s the unofficial (until the next election of course) mayor of the town at this point. Mitsuru’s day job is rigging up stuff like wifi and helping Hajime with his shop class at the high school.

- Shiro moved here after hearing how wonderful the cuisine is. He approves of being able to gather fresh ingredients on the mountain. Rock is frequently seen at his restaurant, both as a customer and as a worker. Hitoshi was recruited within a week. (Hajime has some mixed feelings but Rock mostly stops acting like an idiot after the first day, so it works out well)

- Inori and Ruka moved here years ago (and dragged the Daisen brothers with them) and are pretty much the only residents who were here before everyone started moving out and the buildings moved in. They’re the only ones initially who know the story behind the hauntings and never shared it out of indifference. Inori works in construction of new buildings/clearing rubble from the old, the Daisen trio help train the different sports teams at the school, and Ruka technically co-owns the makeup business with Kiji but his preferred job is as an unofficial swimming instructor because the two of them don’t get along.

- Samon and Enki bring the village supplies and materials from the mountain and trade this way. Samon has a notable weakness for ice pops, popsicles, and zakuro shaved ice, which he gets to surprise Enki on days it seems like he might want it. The new residents are all pleasantly surprised by how sweet Noriko is. Shiro offers her a job after trying some of her desserts. She bakes on weekends and holidays only to avoid overexerting herself, but the rest of the time her jobs include checking people in, taking orders to Shiro and Rock, and keeping peace if someone starts arguments. Houzuki is the area acupuncture specialist and medic until the Otogi family moves in, but he switches to full time acupuncture and massage therapy after they take up the practice. (they’re better than him at medicine anyways and he’s ok with admitting it).

- Liang and Upa love training on the mountain. Rock joins them frequently, often chatting with Liang as they race up. Qi is marginally less interested in physical activity, but he’s willing to make the hike up with them because of the amazing plant both during the hike and at the arrival itself. In the long run, doing some exercise in this form helps him with his mental health a lot and makes him happier. Tsukumo joins occasionally and talking to Qi helps him gradually come out of his shell.

- Trois takes to the challenge of trying to be constructive in building things instead of weapons and explosives. The downside is he frequently teams up with Mitsuru (who has the most equipment necessary) and therefore there are unique ways of getting around the idea of non-destructive inventions. Honey figures out ways to get Mitsuru his speakers back on the condition that he can use the wiring for his capsules.

- Nico ends up really sad about the lack of wifi so he tries to work with Mitsuru to improve tech, but he’s got a hard time reading the manuals so now Musashi, accompanied by either Uno or Trois depending on the day, can be seen teaching Nico how to read instruction manuals.

- Yamato is still very proud of his Japanese heritage, but he also frequently encourages others to appreciate the culture they live in and the culture they came from. Thanks to him, there’s a small festival hosted each year where everyone brings something like food or games or clothing from their culture and share it with everyone.

- Kiji takes it as a personal challenge to help teach normal world culture to at least one of the Gokuu brothers. Enki is far less willing to go along with the idea that he needs help from someone, so it’s Samon. Inori, who had a similar idea for the last eleven years, is currently trying to teach Samon how to drive. It’s yielding mixed results, but he takes really well to motorbikes. Hajme and Samon have a brief ceasefire whenever the subject of motorcycles comes up.

- No one is allowed to bring up the time that Hajime got lost in the mountain. No  one.

- Kuu comes and goes as he pleases. Mostly he stays at Hajime’s house but sometimes he’ll somehow appear wherever Samon Enki and Noriko are presently staying and lies down in the lap of whoever is trying to meditate. Enki tries to ignore Kuu (and fails), Samon will give him small scritches and complain about Hajime in a quiet tone, and Noriko feeds and pets him.

- In their spare time, many of the adults critique the prison systems they rescued the others from. Kiji, Hajime, and Kenshirou work with Enki to fix things on a bureactraic level, frequently accompanied by Momoko when she isn’t a sole representative in front of various international governments. Hajime knows the prison model perfectly, Kenshirou understands the police aspect that ties into it, and Kiji has several decades of experience serving as a prison guard, and their combined knowledge leads to many of their proposals being pushed pretty far up the ranks. 

- Samon is working on fixing prisons on the level of how each inmate is treated. All the official and formal changes in the world don’t change that there’s also issues with inmates not receiving care, sufficient entertainment, decent things for purchase and not just whether or not they can afford them, all sorts of stuff that slips past the cracks in the paperwork. He’s also the one who’s pushing for  more rehabilitation programs with Kiji and Mitsuru’s help. Between Samon’s knowledge of physical needs of people, Kiji’s balanced addition of general knowledge of what kind of education and paperwork prisoners need for proper rehabilitation to stick, and Mitsuru’s experience in communication, they have a very solid structure. Mitsuru’s ability to middleman and talk to Momoko also helps push their ideas forward.

- Slowly the buildings become more friendly towards one another. Upa smiles more because Nico helped him get out of his shell, there is a photo of Tsukumo laughing as himself for the first time hanging on the wall of Shiro’s restaurant, and Kenshirou’s dogs all adopted different humans to befriend and bond with. Qi gradually gets over his fear of dogs thanks to Musashi and ends up adopting one who works as a service dog for him and keeps him away from panic attacks and self-harming attempts, as well as (gradually) learning how to tell what kind of health Upa and Liang are presently in and alerting the doctor if necessary.

- The time-honored tradition of feuds between the different non-inmates and adults in charge of them continues, but they added in some new competitions. There are now options for multi-building tug-of-war, kids vs adults (and variations) relays, one v one competitions, and general tomfuckery. Most of the time Momoko is the referee, Mitsuru commentates, and although they rarely join in, they tend to tag-team and secure a near-effortless victory. If it’s every person for themselves, Momoko wins unless distracted by Hajime, at which point the rule of funny is frequently used to determine a victor.

[holdingforgeneralhugs]

Hi there! I am in Florida, and at this very moment, trying to dissociate from hurricane Ian that is beginning to hit my town. 😬 So I figured I'd distract myself by asking for ships. If you see this elsewhere too, I just...don't like talking about myself very much so I'm writing this once.

She/her, INFP, Hufflepuff. 5'2, generally pale, curvy, but not overweight (yet, lol), blonde hair (but it's currently The Little Mermaid bright red, lol), blue-green eyes. I love my hair and my eyes and this is the only thing you'll ever hear me say I like about my appearance.

My favorite thing about myself is my sense of humor. And to a lesser extent, my sarcasm. I never really feel I have much to offer people, especially in difficult times, but I can make my friends laugh when they are crying. And a few weeks ago one of my good friends said to me that every time she goes home after spending time with me, her husbsnd says she is always in such a happy mood. And that was just like...the nicest thing anyone could say to me. 💜 I am an introvert until I am comfortable with someone and then I can be loud and frequently silly. Years of customer service in my past made me decent at bullshitting small talk, but ugh, it drains my batteries. I will get along with anyone who isn't an asshole, but I do not get close to most people easily. I don't like conflict, so I can get passive aggressive with people I'm close to if I have any issues over something. Trying very hard to change that, as I know it's not a great look.

Other random shit about me: I have anxiety, but (I think) I've learned to hide it well in public most of the time? My brain is just a fucking mess, but I will joke about it all day! 🙃 I love all animals. I'd cuddle an alligator if it wouldn't eat me. I've got cats, dogs, rats and a bunny. I've wanted a horse my whole life. My favorite author is Neil Gaiman. I love going to the beach and swimming in the ocean. I love museums and history and learning about lore/fairytales/monsters/cryptids. I love Marvel movies/comics, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. I occasionally do conventions and cosplay, though I'm not very good at the cosplay bc I cannot sew. Lol. I've been Rose and Amy from Doctor Who and Kate Bishop (Hawkeye). It's really fun! I wish I were better at it. Love bowling and mini golf. Sadly, none of my friends do.

I love music and going to shows used to be my thing! Like I've seen over 100 bands and concerts. I don't have the time/money/energy to do it anymore, but those were absolutely the best years of my life. I've traveled to other states and across the country for a couple of bands (The Matches and Motion City Soundtrack) and made some of the best friends just waiting in lines. I have one tattoo and it's a crow with a blue button eye that the singer of my favorite band drew for me.

I'm gonna shut up now. Lol. Sorry I got carried away. I'm REALLY trying to distract myself from thinking about this hurricane rn. Thanks in advance if you made it through the rambling and decide to do anything with it. 😁💜

Firstly, I hope you and your family are doing OK since the hurricane and that it didn't cause too much damage! Secondly I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to get to, I've been all over the place lately between graduating and starting my new job🙈

I ship you with Johnny Martin

He's obsessed with your red hair, like he thinks it's the coolest thing ever and it looks so good on you.

You're alike in the sense that you both need to be comfortable with someone before you feel like you can really be yourself.

Of course you two seemed to click right away. You both made a few sarcastic teasing comments and it was like you'd been friends for years.

He's always quick to remind you of your worth, and how you always seem to brighten people's lives without even trying

He totally get that sometimes you just need time to yourself to recharge, and he's always happy to just sit quietly with you or leave you do your own thing in your own space. You'll come find him when you're ready.

No matter what you say, he thinks your cosplays are great and he's always super encouraging.

He's ridiculously competitive, and loves nothing more than trying to beat you at mini golf. He scoffs and acts annoyed when you beat him, but really he just loves seeing you smile.

He definitely intends to start taking you to concerts again, cause he knows you loved going to them.

Hope you like it x

[urmomsstuntdouble]

Can you do one for america

Since I received this about an hour or two after posting my lithuania analysis, I assume you’re asking for an america character analysis. I was debating whether or not to go through with writing this or not for a while, but i’ve decided that I’ll try. I hope you enjoy it!

Idealism

The first thing that sticks out to me when thinking about america is that he’s super idealistic, and I think this has its roots in his birth. Everything in his life has been about hope and being better than others, even down to the decision to colonise north america. England needs to be the most powerful country in europe. Better set up a colony in america so that it can save us. It’s that sort of logic that i think gives america the idea that he needs to be perfect, or that he can be the ideal person. And though a lot of what we consider to be the “american” identity (intense patriotism, nativism, idealism, etc) took recognizable shape in the 19th century, i think this way of thinking was nothing new to alfred. He’d been raised on it, with the desire to please arthur sort of in his blood? Anyway i feel like the idea that the colonies would be so so prosperous really put the idea into america’s head early on that he was perfect and that he was destined to be such a great person, even if that wasn't true. I often see his daddy issues presented as solely abandonment issues, but my interpretation of america is more of a combination of abandonment issues and the pressure, some of it self inflicted, to be a perfect country. Basically, his idealism is deeply rooted in unhealthy places. 

Also, a religion headcanon i have is that while he was more raised to be a puritan, freddie prefers quakerism. Though he’s not the most compatible with quakerism, as it rejects violence and quakers often refer to themselves as the society of friends, and are very welcoming, i think it gives him some hope. One of freddie’s biggest problems is that he wants people to be better than they are, and quakerism helps a little with that, because it’s a way that he can help himself become better than he currently is. I feel like he’s been a quaker for a very long time, so he’s not a very good quaker, but this is still something that’s very important to him. 

Hero complex and other mental bullshit

America having a hero complex and also being physically 19 is something i think really highly of. First of all, it very much fits with the mythology of america being a sort of world savior. Secondly, a lot of american media focuses on heroism, whether its on the behalf of average people, like the hunger games, or on the behalf of superheroes, like the mcu- especially over the past 20 years. Though i think it’s a good thing to promote heroism, the hero-martyr complex that gen z has is. Oof. And i think alfred fits very well into that toxic sort of “heroism” that most gen z kids have. He thinks he’s somehow able to fix everything wrong with the world, just because he really wants to. Though that desire is genuine, it’s not always something that’s his place to fix or something that even needed fixing. There’s also a selfish component to that- He needs to prove himself, and heroism is the only way he thinks he can do that. It’s why he works out constantly and cares so much, on a personal rather than country-avatar-thing level, about being #1 at everything. He has to be better than everyone else because he has to be the perfect hero. 

I also think it’s interesting how america seems to have more pronounced daddy issues than canada, and i think this is something that harkens back to the 13 colonies (side note i hate the term ‘colonial times’ when referring to the time before the revolutionary war or canadian independence. These are settler states, its always colonial times.) and american independence. Canada sort of only exists because of british loyalists, as they made up the majority of the population around the turn of the 19th century. They saw themselves as being The Better Colonists. Real daddy’s boy types, and I think this is something that contributes to the hero complex. Because matthew refused to rebel so openly, that made arthur favor him as a son, so alfred felt the need to be even better than matthew- even though, of course, alfred was a bit more favored. 

Fighting Style

Freddie is very good at violence, but not in the same way that a lot of other nations are. Where they tend to be more well trained in specific styles of fighting, freddie just sort of has all of them? His mind is very crowded, i think. Also, the way that he would have learned to fight is different from the other super powerful countries by virtue of his youth, and by virtue of the different regional fighting styles in america. One that’s haunted me is a trend in the ability to rip off ears and noses- Particularly by white gangs in the antebellum south, this was seen as being like. A real badass. I think alfred was something of a feral child. If you know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child,” i think it really did with him. He had so many parents, just like a lot of the western hemisphere countries. But anyway because of all his many many parents, there was never any strong parental force in his life, so it’s more like he didn’t have any at all, and because of that, alfred was a very strange child. And because violence is so ingrained in american society, alfred is very good at fighting, both in order to be fun and flashy and for his own self defense. Though he doesn't really like to fight unless he feels like he has to (and other people are very good at convincing him that he does have to)

Sports

Though america is definitely super athletic and could probably naturally be good at most sports, i think there’s a few that he’d more gravitate towards. Those are basketball, track and field, and olympic lifting. I would include american football but it’s a stupid sport that doesn’t make any sense, so it will not be included for spite reasons. In basketball I think he’s sort of an every-man. I think he’s around six feet tall, so he really could play any position on offense, and as for defense, I think he’d play his best defense against the point guard, bc i feel like Alfred is really fast and good at getting up in your face. He’d have a ton of steals whenever defending against the point guard. I think he’d be a good center on offense, because he’s a bit aggressive and that would be useful for getting rebounds and put-backs, though i wouldn’t discount point-guard freddie, because he does like to be very inspiring. He’s pretty energetic as well, and a point guard can really carry the entire team in terms of energy and spirit. As for track and field, he’d also be an every man- I feel like he’d gravitate more towards sprinting events by personality, but his coach would stick him in wherever. Where olympic lifts are concerned, he’s absolutely a snatch specialist. 

Empire and contradictions

America is an empire. No way of getting around that. I think imperialism in hetalia is an interesting subject, especially where america is concerned. @mysticalmusicwhispers did a good job running that down here, but basically my thoughts on the matter are that alfred doesn't really like being an empire. There’s many angles to that. It’s lonely at the top, for one. There’s no one who relates to being a 21st century empire in quite the same way as him. Then you have the fact that a lot of people living in america have suffered under imperialism as well. Because of that, there’s a lot of self hatred and anxiety and a not knowing if he can fully trust himself. Theres also the obsession that many americans have with people from other cultures being able to assimilate to american wasp culture. Because of all the people who live in the states who are very much not wasps and who can never be, it’s really hard on alfred, though he refuses to admit that things are anything but fine. 

Extras/Fun stuff

A book that reminds me of him is The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien. It’s a collection of short stories about O’Brien’s time serving in the military during the Vietnam War. It’s a very haunting book and I think about it at least once a week, but it is very violent and there’s a lot of fucked up stuff in it.

giveme chubby alfred or give me death

i feel like this shouldn’t have to be said, but sometimes there’s people who depict him as being pro-trump or pro-right wing bullshit, which. absolutely not. just because of all the political turmoil that exists within alfred, and because of all the pain he goes through because of all the hate that exists within his borders- hate that the entire world is forced to pay attention to. even though he might not have all the best sympathies or motivations, he’s just so tired of all the pain he personally goes through because of domestic political unrest, and would like it to end in the way that’s the least painful for him as a person. 

Bi king of my heart 

not a natural blond

I hc him as being mixed, though i’m not sure what exactly he’d look like? But i do enjoy alfred but not white, as poc are the driving force behind a lot of american life, right down to the languages we speak. Like. something like half the states names are the words of their indigenous peoples, and even more toponyms are indigenous across the country. Then of course i feel he’s very protective of aave and will always pronounce words in Not English correctly. (if u want to hear more about my language thoughts they’re linked below. Not gonna rehash it here cause those posts are Long™) 

My playlist for him!

Other analyses (age, linguistics) 

writing requests

[destroyrofworlds]

► GENERAL INFORMATION

FULL NAME: daisy johnson

ALIAS: quake

AGE: thirty-two

DATE OF BIRTH: july 2nd, 1983

ALSO KNOWN AS: skye, tremors, mary sue poots, sweaty cosplay girl, destroyer of worlds

IDENTITY: public

CURRENT TEAM(S): ultimates, secret warriors

OTHER AFFILIATIONS: S.W.O.R.D, S.H.I.E.L.D, rising tide

MULTIVERSE ORIGIN: earth-199999

SNAP STATUS: not snapped

HOMETOWN: san diego, california

CURRENT RESIDENCE: wherever the job takes her

CURRENT OCCUPATION: agent/hero

PAST OCCUPATION(S): hacker 

GENDER IDENTITY: cisgender

SEXUALITY: pansexual

NATIONALITY: american

ETHNICITY: chinese-american

► APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: chloe bennet

HEIGHT: 5’6

HAIR COLOR: blonde with purple streaks underneath

EYE COLOR: brown

ACCENT: just plain ol’ american

SCARS: she has bullet wound scars on her side, shoulder, and leg as well as a faint scar on her cheek from reopening a wound there several times during fights

TATTOOS: none

RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES: the purple hair and gauntlets she sports with her uniform

►BACKGROUND

FINANCIAL STATUS: she’s pretty well off thanks to S.H.I.E.L.D., and even still sends lincoln’s sister a portion of her paycheck every two weeks

EDUCATION LEVEL: high school dropout, no GED. but she learned everything she knows about computers from being in the Rising Tide. 

SPOKEN LANGUAGE(S): english, mandarin (she was inspired to learn it after meeting her mom), bits and pieces of random languages cause spy stuff

RELIGION: atheist 

CONVICTION(S): nothing she’s been caught for 

►RELATIONS

FATHER: calvin johnson (mr. hyde)

MOTHER:  jaiying johnson

SIBLING(S): kora johnson

CHILDREN: n/a

EXTENDED FAMILY: her entire S.H.I.E.L.D. team

BEST FRIEND: jemma simmons

ADVERSARY: nathaniel mallick / all of hydra lol

PARTNER(S): alfonso mackenzie, phil coulson, leopald fitz, jemma simmons, bobbi morse

►EXTRA INFORMATION

HOROSCOPE: cancer

JUNG TYPE: ISTP

ENNEAGRAM: type 8

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good

VICE: wrath/anger. daisy finds it pretty hard to control her temper when it comes down to it.

VIRTUE: diligence

►PERSONALITY 

POSITIVE TRAITS: perceptive, dependable, honest, passionate, caring

NEGATIVE TRAITS: blunt, impulsive, reactionary, hard-headed

 ►  THEME SONG

https://youtu.be/iMgTVB3HF8k

►HEADCANONS/FUN FACTS

as the show mentions, daisy used to cosplay in front of stark tower and I’ve always had the head canon that she’d cosplay as thor bc that’s hilarious

she’s got a pretty bad fear of nuns from being at st. agnes orphanage for so long, and hella trust issues because she ended up aging out of foster care instead of finding a family

she’s a pretty infamous hacker after leaking some classified project pegasus files, and still has a few connects to the rising tide

►ABILITIES / SKILLS / POWERS

vibration manipulation, vibrational absorption, disintegration, force-field generation, concussive blasts, hacking skills, pickpocketing, expert marksmanship, tactical awareness, expert fighting ability

►WANTED CONNECTIONS

(!!) nick fury: I really want to toy with adding some of daisy’s comic origins into my writing, so I would love a fury to come and be her mentor post-coulson

alfonso mackenzie: having her director and partner here would be so cool

kora johnson: the show only really gave these two a few episodes, so it’d be really fun to be able to write out their relationship and develop them!

phil coulson (lmd): another relationship I’d love to explore since this technically isn’t the real coulson