#this one's amazingly old and i can't believe i hadn't posted it here

[baker-chan-senpai]

[soccerbites]

listen to my heartbeat, JJ Maybank

masterlist in bio

a.n: i posted this a few months ago but it got deleted when i deactivated my old account, and it was a request, if you think it's familiar that's probably why :) english is not my first language so i apologize in advance for any mistake.

words count: 1,6k

warnings: swearing, lots of angst, death of a close family member.

(not my gif, if it's yours please tell me so i can give you credits)

You knew she shouldn't go to that trip, you told her not to but she didn't listen to you, as always.

After losing your dad a few years ago she was everything you had left.

You just couldn't believe it, your uncle told you on the phone call that your mum died in her sleep, sudden death, but it was senseless she was the most healthy person you've ever knew, she had a super strict diet and every morning ran around the neighborhood as a exercise form.

They say god takes from us the best people sooner, and you were starting to think they were right. At least she felt no pain.

I lifted my head to watch the wall clock, in any minute from now everyone would arrive at John B's as always, you were not going, not like that, not after what happened.

Your house was flooded with your hard crying as picture frames flew all over the room, making it a glass broken disaster, everything you saw ended slammed onto either a wall or the floor.

You kept on punching the kitchen table and all on it fell, the mug from where you drank your coffee earlier that day shattered on the floor, the sound of it making you more anxious; your anger filled every inch of your body at the same time you let your madness leave it by kicking and hitting things. You decided you had enough of that when you saw the blood from your knuckles slide over your hands.

You let you body fall in a corner, knees up to your chest and hands pulling your hair, screaming the word 'fuck' again and again.

"Y/N? are you here baby?" JJ's voice echoed through the now silent spaces of your home as you tried to stop sobbing so he'll think no one was there, "i know you're here, your bike is right beside me and you would never walk on your own right now" you hadn't notice how dark it was outside, you had spent the whole day crying in that little corner.

you didn't answer to him, hoping he would go away eventually.

"i'm coming in k love?" you hid your face with your blood covered hands trying to avoid his glare. It was not the first time he had seen you cry, but it was never this way, you were the one who comforted him and that led you to cry too 'cause you couldn't stand seeing your boyfriend so broken.

"he- what the fuck Y/N?" he ran towards you and tried to make you look at him "your hands are covered in blood love, what happened?" still no answer from you, "come on baby look at me" he begged you but you just moved your head side to side indicating a no.

"go away JJ i can handle this on my own" you mouthed between multiple sobs.

"i'm not sure about that baby" he started petting your head. "god, why do you always think you have to do everything on your own?" JJ whispered but you heard him.

"'cause i have to, i'm supposed to" you answered, still not looking at your golden boy.

"no you don't" he softly said while hugging you close to his chest, "why don't you tell me what happened so we can figure this out together?" you kept denying with your head.

It felt as if the room was becoming smaller with every second and breath you took.

"baby i need you to look at me and explain what's happening" your lovely boyfriend tried to convince you to talk to him.

"no, i can't" tears soaking JJ's t-shirt.

"why Y/N? now you're worrying me even more than when you didn't go to John B's" he kissed your head.

"'cause if i do it means it's real, if i say it out loud it becomes real" you grabbed your arms around the blonde boy's back harder.

"take deep breaths come on" he broke your hug and hold you by your shoulders as he searched for your eyes, you did as he told you and started paying attention on your breathing, "you're doing amazing, go on" JJ cheered on you, "you've always been strong for me, let me return the favor".

"shes is dead" you said finally looking to his beautiful blue eyes, "my mom is dead" tears fell down your cheeks again and JJ's eyes filled with them two.

He was shocked with what you were saying, he hugged you again, pressing your head over his chest, right were his heart was, JJ didn't want to say anything, he couldn't say nothing due to the fear of making everything even worse. Your boyfriend couldn't get it either, your mum was the kindest woman after you and also really young.

"my uncle said it was sudden, while she was sleeping" he rubbed your back, "no pain", the sobs, not only from you but also JJ now, were louder with every word you said "i told her JJ, i fucking told her not to go" you screamed, "i knew it, i had a bad feeling about it but she didn't listen to me, she never did" you pulled out of JJ's arms .

"it's my fault, it has to be" you punched the floor again and again, the golden boy didn't know what to do, and he hated himself for that; you were always there for him and now that you're the one who's drowning he doesn't know how to take you back to the surface, "WHY HER?! WHY HER AND NOT ME YOU ASSHOLE!" you screamed at the ceiling as if it was the sky and god could actually hear you.

"no, no baby don't say that" JJ grabbed you face with both his hands making you focus on his features, you threw yourself back to his arms and he gentle received you again, "i love you Y/N, don't say that ever again".

"i could have stopped her baby" you cried on his chest.

"sshh, just listen to my heartbeat, ok?" for the second time since he had arrived you did what he told you to and focused on his heartbeat and remembered all those times when you were the one holding him the way he was doing now, all the times he had listened to you heart and how that was the only thing that calmed him down. And you were now finding out that, the only thing that could pacify you was JJ's heartbeat as well.

"you better now?" he asked while looking down at you, your eyes were closed, he rubbed his thumb on your on your rosy and swollen face from all the crying you did, he smiled when you nodded, "that's my girl" he placed a lock of your hair behind your left ear and kissed your head multiple times.

"come on, take a deep breath, it's gonna be alright, we will get through this together as we always do" you nodded again, "it's not going to be easy but i'll be with you in every step of the way, yeah?"

"yeah" you simply and fast answered.

"i'm gonna help you shower, we will have some food and go to sleep" JJ looked up to the ceiling, his chin on your head, and held you tighter, "tomorrow morning we are going to clean up everything, and go to my house so i can pick up some clothes and stuff" he looked back at you, "i'm staying here as long as you want me to".

"that sounds nice" you said and glanced at your amazingly beautiful, caring and favorite person.

"it does right!?" JJ smiled at you, excited at how well you had relaxed that were finally able to talk without sobbing for the first time since he had arrived.

You both followed JJ's plan.

He took you to the bathroom firefighter style, not letting go any second, then helped you get undressed.

He was making sure the water was extra hot because he knew you liked it that way and you just stared at him the whole time. JJ washed your hair, being extremely careful trying not to hurt you, after that he cleaned your body.

You got dressed with some sweatpants, a white t-shirt and JJ's hoodie,

He made you sit on your bed and started doing your night skin care on your face, following every step you told him was next. When he was done he kissed the tip of your nose and gave you a peck on your lips just to after heat some noodles you both ate while laying down in bed and watching a very interesting show from Animal Planet, a channel JJ and you loved a lot.

Your boyfriend really helped you keeping your mind off of what had happened for like two hours, but, as you were laying with his hands on your waist, making you the little spoon; the bad feelings came back. He was the most important thing in your life right now and you were afraid of something bad happening to him, a tear fell from your eyes and down your cheeks at the thought of it.

"JJ?" you called him, almost whispering just in case he was already asleep.

"mhm" he mouthed and shifted his head as you turned to face him, his hands never leaving your body.

"can you promise me something?" he placed his free hand on your face; sensing the wet spot on your cheeks and just nodded, "please never leave me" he looked deeply into your eyes while rubbing his thumb on your waist and hugged you being scared of you crying again.

"it's ok, i'm here, i'll always be here"

Finally, after a very tiring day you managed to fall asleep on the arms of JJ, the great big love of your life.