#this mimosa kinda sucks honestly

[uncle-dusknoir]

these pancakes are actually really good. thank you for the recommendation @ silver-crowned-riders.

i have 19 shuppet. jupetta. thyme. skorna. and she has (i believe) three eggs.

there are going to be twenty five ghosts in my house.

i wanted to be a dark trainer.

[justkending]

Moral of The Story. Chapter One.

Summary: Marrying too young out of highschool leads to a naive and failed marriage. Now 10 years later, word comes that the divorce was never actually completed. Bucky and Y/N have to come back together after all these years to settle what wasn’t all those years back. Passive attitudes, miscommunicated endings, and reminiscing of an old love all comes back for the two.

Pairing: Bucky x Y/N

Word Count: 2600+

A/N: Ok, here is the first chapter! If you have not already listened to the song that evoked this idea from my imagination land, I suggest giving it a go! Moral of the Story by Ashe. I’m excited for you guys to see what this story brings and I really hope I do it justice! As always, comments and thoughts are welcome as they help me grow as a writer and let me see what you guys notice:) ENJOY MY LOVES!!! <3

(The posting will be once every other day until I have finished the series. If I finish early, I will post an update once a day:)

Read the Prologue here first!

Chapter One:

"You already got the flight?" Nat asked, perched on Y/N's couch as she ran around frantically packing. "Don't you have a huge meeting next week with that new business? What was it called? Bee's Knees?"

"Yes, but it's not until Monday evening. I highly doubt I will be there longer than a weekend to sign a few divorce papers. I'm planning on coming back early that afternoon, so I shouldn't miss it," she answered, not even stopping to look at her as she ran through the rooms and bathroom in the apartment.

"How soon did you book that flight?"

"As soon as I hung up the phone with Murdock," Y/N sighed. Nat sent her a questioning look not knowing that name. "New lawyer. The guy who took over for the sleazeball known as Justin Hammer," she rolled her eyes.

"Right," Nat nodded. "So, are you staying at your dad's house?"

"I would take my dad's house over my mom and Jerry's any day. You know this," Y/N paused in her actions, sending her a bitch face.

"I know. Just didn't know if you'd be all fancy and rent a hotel room to escape the smothering that is bound to happen from good ol' Mr. Y/L/N," Nat grinned.

"It's been so long since I've seen him not via facetime. And we both know that's barely seeing him as he doesn't know where the camera is even after a hundred calls," she laughed.

"Parents. Either they're technologically challenged or know how to work it better than us. Never in between and it's weird." Nat watched as Y/N froze in her stance and looked lost trying to think of something else to pack. Deciding she needed a distraction, Nat changed the subject some. "Hey, did you get Melody to go on that date tomorrow?"

"Yes!" Y/N answered proudly. "I know your aunt wants grandbabies from her daughter, but that girl just needs a night on the town more than anything. She's in her early 20's and holes herself up at the office almost more than I do, and I'm the boss."

"Cousin's got my work ethic. What can I say?" Nat shrugged smugly.

"Well, she needs to get your spirit in living some too."

"Touche," Nat pointed. "I need to have Yelena take her out. She's the real party sister out of us two."

"That is true. How she's able to party for 48 hours straight and still wake up at 8 am for mimosas, blows my mind," Y/N commented on Natasha's younger sister. "She's only a few years older than Melody, right?"

"Yeah, Yelena is 24, and Melody is 22. They were best of friends growing up, but once they got to high school, they kinda went different routes about life. Lana, the party gal, and Mel the studious bookworm."

"I'm not surprised by either of those," Y/N shook her head before collapsing next to Nat on the couch. A loud breath and sigh escaped her body.

Nat watched as her mind escaped back to the original issue at hand.

"What's going on in that brain of yours, Y/N/N?" she said, softly touching her shoulder. "Not that I don't already know, but maybe letting it out will help unscramble those thoughts."

Y/N lazily rolled her head to the redhead next to her.

"How is he?" she asked.

Nat was a part of their friend group from middle school through high school. She kept up with all of them still, whereas Y/N kept up with all of them except one.

"I actually haven't talked to him in a while. Steve on the other hand..." Nat nodded. "From that source, it sounds like Barnes is just as surprised and freaked out as you."

"He's freaked out?" Y/N asked, a hint of interest peeking out.

"Who wouldn't be? You get a call from a lawyer saying your marriage is still intact after 9 years of breaking it off, I would be freaked out too."

"He deserves it. I hope he's just as freaked out as me, if not more," she responded bitterly, crossing her arms across her chest like a pouting child.

"Y/N," Nat sighed.

"No. Don't. Don't defend him to me, it's pointless," she put up a hand. "I know you're still friends with him, but you guys still don't understand the pain that that man brought on me."

"He fought for you, Y/N. He didn't mean-," Nat countered.

"Again, you're wasting your breath. Defending him now does nothing to change the past," she said stubbornly, getting back up and carrying on with her packing. "You can still take me to the airport tomorrow, right?"

Her best friend wanted to keep pushing, knowing she had harbored this heartbreak for too long. Sure what had happened between them sucked and was a horrible chapter of their lives, but neither made an effort to talk it out and understand the other's side of the story. Faults of being young, immature, and not knowing how to handle a grown-up decision.

"Yes, I'll pick you up at work at 10. Flights at 11:25, right?"

"Yes, and you know California traffic. That will probably get me there 10 minutes before my gate closes. I had to get an early flight though because that time difference is going to kick my ass. It'll be close to 5:30 in my head and 8:30 there by the time I land... " Y/N huffed, rolling her bag to the front door for tomorrow. "You mind taking this tonight and keeping it in your car for now? That way I don't have to lug it to work?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll grab it on my way out. But we're still having a girl's night, right?"

Y/N laughed some before going to the kitchen to grab beers. "I Survived is already recorded and ready for us."

___________________

"Shit man... When's the last time you talked to her?" Steve asked, sitting across from his best friend in the chair diagonal from the couch, leaning forward on his knees after listening to the new news.

"Since I was supposedly signing our divorce papers. And even then, we didn't really talk. She sat there quietly straight-faced until it was signed and then rushed out the doors," Bucky sighed, still trying to wrap his head around the situation. "She was out of the state within the next hour."

Steve nodded before falling back into the single seat.

"So, do you guys have to see each other again, or is it one of those situations where you can sign separately?"

"I don't know. I just got off the phone. All I know up to this second is that Y/N and I have been married for the past 9 years without knowing it," Bucky said somewhat harshly. Steve didn't flinch at the tone knowing it wasn't directed at him. "I'm sorry. I-I just can't wrap my mind around this."

"It's ok. This is crazy shit, Buck," Steve waved off. There was a long pause before Steve decided to ask the question he was sure anyone would want to know. "Do you want to see her?"

Bucky slowly looked over to the blonde. God, he had been asking himself that question for the past 10 minutes himself.

On one end, yes. He wondered where she was now in life. How she was doing. What accomplishments he knew she would be making. He knew a few small things just by the whispers and small talk of her with their shared friend group that he still hung out with, but a majority of the time, they didn't bring her up around him. They knew what it did to him.

On the other end, he never thought about facing her again. I mean maybe for the year after their divorce, but when he never heard anything back from her all those times he still tried to reach out and she blocked him on almost all forms of social media, he gave up any hope of them falling back into good terms again. He hated it, but he wasn't going to push her when she clearly hated his guts.

And honestly, he deserved it. His young, stupid, college self was not a smart guy when it came to relationships. Even ones that had been there from the beginning of time practically.

Yet again, she wasn't perfect either. She made some mistakes of her own that pushed him to act the way he had.

"Hey, you both are older and more mature now. I'm sure you if you guys do have to see each other again, you can handle it like adults," Steve reassured, seeing Bucky's face turn to a soft frown. "Ok, so she may be a little stubborn..."

"A little?"

"Ok, a lot. But she's older now. She's not the 19-year-old girl that you remember," Steve defended.

"I believe that but I'm sure she still holds a grudge that is very, very, very, very-," Bucky was going to go on about 10 more very's before ending with BIG, but Steve cut him off.

"You don't know that," Steve shook his head.

"Really? Because usually when you no longer hold a grudge against someone, you might just reach out to that person and reconnect possibly," Bucky argued. "I mean that's what mature people do, right?"

"Not always..."

"So she's either not mature or still just as stubborn. Hell, for all we know, both," Bucky shrugged, pursing his lips.

"If you go into this with that mindset, nothing good is going to come out of it." Steve pointed an eyebrow at him.

Bucky rolled his eyes not replying to Steve. He knew he was right, but he was still bitter after all these years about how Y/N handled the situation. Sure, he messed up, but she had to. Yet she made him into this big bad wolf that was at 100% fault in the downfall of their relationship. It made him feel like shit, and though he tried to make amends knowing he did some fucked up things, she acted like she was Miss Perfect and didn't do anything wrong the entire time.

Damn, even after all this time, it still lit a fire in his chest with annoyance and hurt.

"When's the meeting?" Steve once again interrupted his thoughts.

"I guess Saturday morning. They said they were coming in on their off hours to fix up a few cases they found like ours," Bucky answered.

"How many cases were there?"

"Eh, I think he said it was single digits, but there were a shit ton of other cases in different areas that were worse off. The divorce ones are a small number compared to those."

"Damn. That sucks for all the couples who got a call today then," Steve huffed, running a hand down his face.

"Yeah, you're telling me..."

"Hey, we were going out with Wanda and Vis tonight. You still up for that, or...?" Steve stood up.

Bucky looked back at the beer on the coffee table and then at the TV still playing I Survived stories quietly in the background.

"You know what? I'm going to need a stronger drink than an IPA to get me to sleep tonight," Bucky nodded, standing and wiping his hands on his jeans before walking to his room.

"Looks like I'm the DD tonight then..." Steve sighed.

___________

"Vis," Wanda motioned to her fiance as he came back from the bar. "Nat just texted."

"About what? How is she?" Vis smiled as he sat next to her with Sam across from him. Sam tagged along at the last second since his other plans got canceled.

"She's good, but it's not about her," Wanda waved off, still reading whatever lengthy text was sent her way.

"Wow, that looks like a novel," Vis noticed with wide eyes as he looked over her shoulder.

"Wait 'til you hear what it's about." 

Sam shook his head as he took a sip of the beer Vis had brought over.

After reading the rest of the text out loud from where she had left off, everyone at the table looked at each other with shock ridden faces.

"They're still married?" Vis said softly as if it was a secret.

"Apparently..." Wanda nodded with wide eyes.

"So that Hammer guy was a sham?" Sam questioned.

"I told her not to go to him. He had some shady hole in the wall kind of establishment," Wanda chided. "But she said they needed something cheap and fast. She hated his guts and wanted it out of it then and there. Plus, they were 19. They didn't have much money anyway."

"Why didn't they just ask their parents for help?" Sam questioned. "Isn't Y/N's mom loaded?"

"Yes, but she refused to help her. She said it was her own fault for getting married so young and that she had warned her. Told her she had to get out of the mess on her own," Wanda answered.

"What about her dad?" Vis jumped in.

"Bucky and her dad were close. She was off in Colorado for school and didn't want to put her dad through that or make him have to help her in cutting him off. Bucky was like the son he never had and they were bonded at the hip. No matter how much Y/N hated Bucky, she wasn't going to ruin or take away his relationship with her father. That would have been cruel, and Y/N is anything but that."

"Weren't Bucky's and Y/N's dad's best friends?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, they were old-time war buddies. They're the reason Bucky and Y/N had known each other since birth. But Bucky's dad died when he was about 13, and Y/N's dad, Thomas, kinda took him under his wing. Growing up a teenage boy without a father figure messes with you, and Bucky was on the edge of a bad path after losing his father."

"He's still rather close with Thomas, but I'm sure Y/N doesn't know that. Unless Thomas has said something, and with how everything came to an end for the two, I'm sure he doesn't bring it up knowing how tender of a subject Bucky is to her," Vis added.

"Makes sense..." Sam nodded. "I only knew you all from the start of college, so I'm still a little lost in all the beginning stuff."

"All good. It's complicated with those two. Their past and upbringing are so interconnected with the other, it makes their downfall all the more intense and messy," Wanda sighed. "God, if this is the news, he's going to be a wreck tonight..." She looked up worriedly at her fiance who shared the same concerns.

"It could go two ways. Either he comes in all solemn and says three words all night, or Steve's going to be the DD and he's waking up with a head-busting hangover," Sam noted with a small grin at the thought. "I'm going to go with the latter though."

"Poor guy," Wanda sighed, taking a drink with a sad face. Ever the sympathetic one.

"We'll be here to listen if he wants to talk. If not, we act like we have no idea and don't bring it up," Vision spoke up, throwing his arm over her and running his hand up and down her shoulder.

"I'm going to tease him still most likely," Sam shrugged nonchalantly. Wanda sent him a warning glare. "Fine, mama bear! I'll be nice... Until he starts making a fool of himself." He added the last part quietly.

Moral of the Story Taglist:

@taylormobley @ximaginx @vicmc624 @leyannrae

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx @death-unbecomes-you @heyiamthatbitch @lizzymacy555  @srrymydood @xa-dia @redhairedfeistynerd @morganclaire4 @connie326 @captain-asguard @mollygetssherlockcoffee @teenagedreams-bucky @shower-me-with-roses @pham-tastical

My Lovelies forever:

@natura1phenomenon @lauravicente @kakakatey @traceyaudette @notyourtypicalrose  @laneygthememequeen @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @sandlee44 @thorne93 @thefaithfulwriter @essie1876 @greyeyedsmile14 @capsiclehan  @xostephanie @averyrogers83 @awesomenursingstudent @gh0stgurl @cs-please @carls1022 @jjlevin @rainbowkisses31 @anise-d-castle6 @deannotmoose @their-bibliophile @kitkatd7 @willowbleedsonpaper @mariaenchanted @snffbeebee @couldabeenamermaid @rebekahdawkins @alyispunk​ @princess-annna

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@chloe-skywalker @charmedbysarge @jbarness @bellamy-barnes @katiaw2 @aikeia

[toomanythought]

A critique of the magic knight captain's outfits because that's the kind of mood I'm in.

1. Charlotte

I've decided that she has the best outfit of anyone here.

She's got several colors going on, but most of them are neutral so It's ok

Blue and silver with gold accents isn't really a color scheme you can go wrong with

Could use a little more armor, but overall a rather practical look

Could stand to loose the helmet but overall not bad

10/10 something I would wear

2. Dorothy

I'm loving the energy of the pink in this one.

Honestly very pretty aesthetic

Not a lot going on, pretty much only pink w/ some black and white accents (There are two different shades of pink but that's ok because they're in separate pieces and nothing else is going on)

The green on her hat really helps make the pink less overwhelming, a great choice

Minus points because those shorts look a little bit like underwear and her boots should probably be black.

9/10 wouldn't wear it but I'd recommend a friend

3. The Vermilions:

It's pretty much the exact same outfit but Mereoleona wears it so much better.

The red and orange is kind of a bad combo, and I thought it was basic knowledge that redheads should avoid wearing red

The blue does work to cut this a bit though, so it's not as overwhelming as it could be

Kinda iffy on the pink sash. It really should match the cape by outfit laws, but I think that would put too much red in the entire thing

Fuegoleon you're pretty but that outfit really isn't doing it for you. Minus points for the lack of titty window. In the future show more skin. 6/10

Like I said, it's basically the same outfit, but Mereoleona wears it with a very different energy and manages to make it look good. I get pirate queen vibes. 8.5/10

Overall 7/10; I might wear elements of it.

4. Rill

The clothing needs a different style/cut but the colors are decent.

His cape doesn't class with his hair, and he's got the light colors well balanced with the dark

He looks like he's outgrown his pants though

Like seriously

They're a bit too short to be wearing without boots

And at least wear some socks to cover it up

Gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say he hit a growth spirt and Walter hasn't had time to let out the hems

Shoes make me think of Tinker belle

6/10 I like the colors but he really needs different pants, and maybe shoes

5. Yami

Surprisingly not the worst but I am not without criticism.

He's got an aesthetic going that allows him to get away with a bit

As an outfit it's ok, but there's a distinct lack of professionalism going on

Sir are you really going to wear nothing but a tank top 24/7?

Also the over pant thingies make it look like he's wet himself

I like the creativity with the squad robe. No one else wears it like that

His outfit was better when he was with the Grey Deer

Can' figure out what's up with those boots

5/10. I'd never recommend wearing it but it's got a practicality to it.

6. Nozel

My dude you're rich enough to afford a stylist.

We're not even talking about the hair at this point, there are so many things that need straightened out

The ocean/teal blue he's got going on does not work with the periwinkle.

Also what's up with the pant leg cut outs. I really fail to understand the practicality of them

Why are there sandals

We are fighting people

Please wear close toed shoes

Also feathers and fur? Get it together my dude

While we're at it the feathers are kinda ugly in arrangement

3/10 I feel like someone failed to successfully merge two different outfits together.

7. Kaiser

I don't have a lot to say. It's pretty bland.

Very shapeless and fluffy

I'm honestly getting hot just looking at it

Aside from the buttons + gloves and squad robe, there's not much going on

I don't have many critiques of the squad robe. It's purple and yellow. Nothing too horrible.

5/10. Very generic and boring. Don't like at all but it's hard to come up with concrete bad things

8. Jack

Sir do you understand the purpose of clothes

It looks like an armored outfit so you get practicality points

What is up with all the leather straps

They literally serve no purpose

Please put on a proper shirt that covers your midriff

The pants/shoes combo is kinda sketchy

He needs to have either the black or the green running all the way up

Bracelets?

2/10. It's just... ugly

9. William

Sir I know your life sucks but please learn how to dress yourself. Your squad wears the uniform too and you aren't doing them any favors.

Feathers and fluff. Are you a bird dude? Is that your magic? No. It's trees. I know you like birds but you don't need to look like one

Please don't get me started on the colors

For posterity's sake I will now list every color contained within this outfit:

White

Gold

Red

Dark Red

Tan? Light gold?

Dark blue

Lighter blue (but only in one place and it's not touching the dark blue)

Purple. Because this outfit needed some more pizzazz.

White

Black

Get some pink and green and you'll be representing all the squads with ease

The style and cut is actually pretty good but the colors are beyond horrid

He tells Julius that the mask is tacky and then continues to wear it

And also match the rest of his clothing to it

He should have kept the mask as a statement piece and kept the outfit as one or two colors.

Honestly a very in character outfit because it demonstrates his inability to choose a side

3/10 I guess. I like some things about it but there's just too much going on. Bad overall outfit. Needs help desperately. Ask Mimosa. I have a feeling she realized it was bad.

[ushiwakaout]

Ushijima General HCs

we all know i love this man. and please bare with me while i slowly get back into writing again, i’ve been gone for so long but i wanna get back to it.

He 100% did not ask you out, like ever. You where his best friend and you guys went to a restaurant around valentine’s day and EVERY SINGLE STORE VENDOR MISTAKES YOU GUYS AS A COUPLE. He’s kinda just looking at you while you eat and he’s like “Do we really look like a couple?” He low key hurts your feelings because he legit says- “I don’t see it... I don’t- I don’t think i’d date you?” USHIJIMA HAS THE BIGGEST REALIZATION IN HIS SMALL BRAIN.... he’s like wait. holy shit. isn’t it valentine’s day today? he’s getting all blushy and shy now and he’s just digging at his food and you’re so confused. “Toshi? You, okay-” He gets overly nerveous and blurts out “I- I’m in love with you.” BUT HES QUICKLY WALKING OUT OF THE RESTAURANT BC HES LIKE- did i just do that? You’re just sitting with a blank expression at your table and EVERYONE is looking at you, wondering why you’re sitting there and not running into his arms. You let out a small laugh in disbelief and ask yourself- when did ushijima become so expressive with his emotions. You run outside and you aren’t able to completely catch up to him bc you need to catch your breath, so you being to yell- “Hey! Ushijima! Wakatoshi! Stop right now you big fucking idiot!” He stops in his tracks really awkwardly and turns to look at you like he wants to apologize “I love you! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU WAKATOSHI!” You begin to run to him bc big ol boy is frozen in place. You jump into his arms and dig your head into the crook of his neck, “I love you too.” you whisper again before he hold on to you tightly.

BIG BOY NEED ATTENTION but he’ll never admit it.... like ever. he’d rather act petty and jealous then say the words “Give me attention.” He’s a grown man now, he can’t just blurt out those words. Yeah- that goes out the window when he’s drunk. You’re mid conversation with Kageyama and Iwaizumi during a Japan team dinner hosted at your place, and he legit hugs you from the back and leans all the way down so his chin is on your head. He’s furiously glaring at the two- Kageyama is terrified and Iwa is a little in shock. “Look at me...” He mutters in your ear. “Toshi-” “Please...” He whines just a little and your heart just MELTS INTO HIS HANDS.

Please make him the healthiest food after his hangover- he will feel so guilty for the sudden indulgence of alcohol. He hates treated his boys badly (he low key thinks your with him for his body bc he doesn’t believe his personality is enough) Please given the sweetest kiss when you wake up and tell him he’s perfect.

Please arrive 20 minutes early to his game and please don’t leave unless necessary. Little do you know he’s always looking for you in the crowd.

DO NOT LET HIM TOUCH THE DAMN STOVE. Man is perfect in every single way possible but geography and cooking are not his forte.

He snores when he’s extra tired, so almost every night. He’s invested in a good pair of earplugs for you.

If your ever sitting on his lap, and he’s layin on the floor/bed and his shirt rises up a little- please sneak your hands under his shirt and trail your nails against his skin. (every time you do it tho, expect you feel his cock twitch under your lap) he loves the feeling even if he’s not in the mood. he loves the tingly feeling.

PLEASE THIS MAN WILL GET SO JEALOUS whenever you see Osamu. You originally where a big fan of Inarizaki so just casually talking to Osamu while he makes your onigiri was making you fangirl inside. He usually doesn’t dare to go into the establishment but he sees the bag ready in your hand, so he sucks up his pride and walks inside. Really quick glaring contest with Osamu before you notice and hea leaned to your ear, covering Osamu few and just whispered the most naughtiest things before nibbling on your ear and blowing on it. “Nice seeing you Miya.” Ushijima smirks, while your hand is gripping at the hem of his shirt, thighs tightly pressed together before you nerveously wave goodbye to him.

Takes his sweet time to learn how to make the best onigiri in the world so he doesn’t have to take you to that damn restaurant anymore

Also plz help him... doesn’t know the difference between Himalayan salt, sea salt, and just regular salt... definitely licks a little of each to see the difference- has no clue what’s going on.

sleeps on the couch if you come home late. doesn’t like feeling cold in your bed bc he just knows your not there. so when he sleeps on the couch he relies of his own warmth

honestly i think people believe he’s a hard liquor guy- but please just get him a mimosa or something... maybe a white wine. he’s just an old lady at heart.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let out your real laugh with him- ugly and all- HE THINKS ITS SO SEXY WHEN YOU LAUGH AND YOURE JUAT SNORTING BECAUSE HE DID THAT- he made you laugh, and he’ll never forget the days he makes you laugh.

plz do his nightly ritual w him. he feels a little dumb when you don’t do it with him now.

hold his hand while you fall asleep. it’s fine if you let go later on, but when you wake up please wake him up with kisses.

[fengreyfront]

I saw your post about how there was no Yuno x Mimosa shippers and how small the fandom is in general and I have to agree with you. Because BC come out around the same time as the other popular animes that are out now, and for some reason there is barely any love.

Yeah man, it sucks. It’s such a criminally underrated anime with so many fun and dynamic characters to play with as far as fanworks go. Tbh, I only picked it up because it was on Crunchyroll’s “popular” list... figured there would be a sizable following but I guess I was wrong 🤷‍♂️

As far as Yunosa specifically, I shortly thereafter became a Yunoelle convert upon discovering it was a thing that people shipped lol. 

I’m still totally open to Yunosa in canon though - especially if we’re going to get saddled with an Asta x Noelle endgame anyway. They actually would look cute together, and her personality would compliment Yuno’s well (a Hufflepuff x Slytherin combo if there ever was one). 

However, I now sort of understand the lack of works on them, since the show has given us jack squat to go off of. There interactions have been bland, and where there were opportunities to play on it, they chose not to. For example,  when he became an elf and freaking just left Mimosa to be crucified until Asta came through, wtf?? That honestly kinda put me off to it. But again, I’m still open if Tabata decides to go that route. 

Here’s hoping the general BC fandom continues to grow!

[hockeybabestars]

New Year Same Us - Auston Matthews - Nine

a/n: guys we’re so close to the end! only one more chapter after this! I hope you enjoy part nine!

December 31, 2018 - January 1, 2019

Mitch and Stephs New Years party was pretty amazing. They had decorated with shiny banners and confetti and there were hats and beads and glasses to wear to ring in the new year. Everyone was having a good time mingling or dancing or doing their own things. Music softly played through the living room speakers with ease and the NYC countdown was playing on the T.V. Everyone was dressed up and looking their best. And Aus was no different. 

I spotted him across the room chatting with Freddie. He wore a simple black suit with a white button up underneath, some of the buttons undone showing his toned chest. He looked hot. I thought he would go for something more bold but he insisted on matching me. I thought it was cute. My silver cocktail dress would for sure clash with the other suit he had in mind, so we compromised. His eyes met mine and I sucked in a slight breath. The twinkle of his gaze really doing it for me as he grinned. I smiled back shaking my head. 

He had seemed different since John and Aryne’s wedding. The night that almost was, as I had been referring to it. I had wanted to kiss him badly, but it felt like the timing of it all was horrible. I had decided that night that I was going to try to get over him. I was tired of hearing that we were perfect together and knowing an end for us was never in sight. And then he goes and pulls me back in with his lingering touch and lips ever so slightly ghosting over mine. 

An almost. A should’ve been.

Since then he’s made subtle changes. In the kitchen he would put a hand on my lower back as he brushed past me to grab something from the fridge. He’d been sneaking into my room late at night, just to talk or snuggle. And every time we go out he keeps an arm slung around my waist and eyes down every guy in the vicinity. It’s not fair, honestly. That he gets to stake a claim without the weight of officiality looming over his shoulders. It felt like he had decided to dance around whatever this was. And I was over it. My heart felt like it was being pulled in different directions. Option one was listening to my heart and diving head first into us, and the option two was telling me to listen to my head. And my head kept telling me that I would ruin us, some way, somehow, and I didn’t want that.

But for now, I would happily ignore all of that just to have a good time with my friends. I constantly needed a distraction from will-we-won’t-we with Auston, so I decided tonight that I would let him do his own thing and see where it took us. 

It felt like there were so many things going on, but maybe a refill would do the trick. I found myself in the kitchen, looking through the fridge for something to make a mixed drink with. One drink was not doing me enough of a service tonight, but I wasn’t planning on having more than 2. Maybe 2 and a half at the most. 

I pulled out some champagne and orange juice when I heard a voice from behind the fridge door. “Aren’t mimosas a morning kinda drink?” Willy asked as he shut the fridge door. He leaned casually against the wall and watched me fix my concoction with a smirk on his face. I flipped him off, but smiled as he opened the fridge back up to let me put the drinks away.

“No William. Can’t a woman drink what she wants? It’s new years, you think you could let me live a little.” I grab my drink and swirl it around as I move to step out of the kitchen but he steps in front of me, not allowing me to pass. I flick my eyes up to glare at him but he just laughs and grabs my wrists swinging them a little in front of us. I steadied our hands but he still lightly held me there.

“You seem like you're already over the night and it’s only begun. Wanna play a game?” He smirked.

“I am not up for your shenanigans tonight William!!! I mean business. And I absolutely can not be drunk.” I took my wrists back, one of which had my drink, and took a long sip.

He glared at my drink, “Sure, ‘absolutely can not be drunk’ my ass. Why can’t you live a little tonight? It’ll be funnnnn. Besides it’s fucking New Years. You deserve to be plastered (Y/N).”

I glanced around the room and spotted Auston, he had moved on from Freddie to Steph, and I wondered what they were talking about, both wearing serious expressions. “Just trying to keep a clear head is all.” I mumbled. I was about done with all the feelings swirling around in my head and my heart, and I wasn’t sure I could keep them in if I got plastered. Especially with the way he had been acting lately. What a mess that would be. So for now I keep tabs on how much I’ve had to drink.

“(Y/N/N)” Willy grabs my attention again, having picked up on my worries and this time he’s a little more serious, giving me a knowing look, “don’t worry about anything. Just worry about you. You know how to have a good time. Don’t let what ifs plague you tonight. I promise you everything will workout.” I smiled and wrapped my arms around him.

“Thanks Will. That’s just what I needed to hear.” I mumbled into his chest.

He pulled me back his smile turning into a smirk like a switch had been flipped, “game?”

I rolled my eyes, but smiled all the same, “what game? Is it a drinking game? You’re such a fucking child.”

I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist and pull me in closer. His toned chest hit my back before he spoke, “yeah what game William. You fucking child.”

I laughed swatting his hands that only tightened around me as I looked up at him. The height difference was kinda perfect actually. He glanced down, giving me a wink as I gave up my struggles of escaping his grip. He rested his chin on my head as Will looked at us with a smirk.

“I'm the child here?” He playfully asked, “We’ve got options. Captain Dickhead? Truth or Dare? What Are The Odds? Seven Minutes in Heaven? Fear Pong? What do we want?!?” 

“Truth or Dare?” I deadpanned, “This is exactly why you aren’t in charge of this shit!” I laughed. 

“Hey you never know what can happen with the right people at the right time. It can be… fun?!” He chuckled and threw me a wink. I knew what he was doing. I wanted to kick that mischievous little smirk right off his pretty face. I could see right past his feigned innocence here.

“Are you buying this shit?” I turned in Auston’s embrace to look up at him, and he looked back down at me. 

He shrugged, “Captain Dickhead is always fun.”

“I don’t wanna be drunkkkk.” I grumbled.

“Whyyyy notttttt.” Auston teased but his eyes softened as he looked down at me, “you know if you wanted to I would take care of you. I haven’t had a drink yet.” 

I squeezed his arm in thanks, “I appreciate it, I’m just not in the mood tonight.”

“It’s New Years this is the best mood!” Willy exclaimed but dropped it when I glared at him.

“Can’t I just be soberish damn it! We already went over this!” I laughed. Auston shook his head at the two of us.

“Fine, What are the odds?” Willy crosses his arms exasperated. “That can be sober!”

“I hate you.” I laughed. “I don’t wanna play your games Willy. I can already tell you have some plan formulating that I don’t want to be apart of.” Willy’s calculated expression wore off as I smiled. I pried myself out of Auston’s grip as I went to pat Will on the shoulder. “Sorry for being a buzzkill buddy!” I turned and saw confusion on Auston’s face as I walked past him, grabbing my jacket from the rack, and cradling my drink out to the balcony. 

The cool air of the night settled in my lungs as I rested my arms out on the glass railing. The city lights roaring to life as the clock got closer and closer to midnight.

I knew what Will was doing. He and Kappy were probably scheming some way to force Auston and I into a situation that would turn out embarrassing for me or something. 

I didn’t want our first of anything to be forced. I wanted him to want me because he had feelings for me, not because we were drunk at some wedding, or Kap and Will made a stupid bet or meddled as per usual. I wanted him to want me, but not like that. 

I shoved my thoughts aside, taking an alarmingly large sip of my drink, more like a gulp, and stared out at the sky. This was bullshit. I should be inside having fun with my friends, not trying to clear my thoughts as I overthink like I always do. I toyed at the sleeve of my dress, thinking back to when we were kids, how easy things were when the pressure of liking someone didn’t exist. When we were just us. Before I even thought of us as an “us”.

I heard the door slide open and turned to see who it was. Steph stepped out onto the balcony with me, the metallic material of her red dress shining against the moonlight.

“Hey.” She says softly, coming to stand next to me. I look at her, my expression wavering as I almost let out a few tears in frustration. “Oh honey.” She pulls me into her grasp and I lean into her. She drags me over to the breakfast chairs and slyly pulls my jacket and drink from me to set them down on the table. I sit with a huff and just breath for a minute as Steph just holds my hands. I’m thankful that she gets me, and let me collect myself before listening to me. 

“Willy, god love him, he kinda irked me back there.” I say. She looks at me confused as I continue. “He was all like ‘ I get you, don’t worry about anything’ and then he was all ‘let’s play a game with the right people at the right time and see what happens’ like no.”

Steph just laughs and I can’t help but let my frown fall away as I laugh with her.

“(Y/N), don’t worry about Will. He just wants you guys to be together as much as the next guy so he meddles a little bit.”

“I won’t let him meddle.” I smile, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes.

She looks at me seriously, observing me before speaking, “is this why you don’t wanna be drunk tonight?”

I nod, “I just don’t want to ruin anything, and I know what will happen the minute I get out of control,” my hands fall to my lap as I play with my fingers, clasping and unclasping them to distract myself. I had meticulously avoided drinking the last few times we all went out together. I felt like I would be overkill if I let myself off my own leash. “I don’t want to ruin anything.” I mumble.

“(Y/N), babe,” she pauses, “why don’t you just tell him? You’ve been sitting with this on your chest for years now. And you’ve been dealing with it by yourself. Just let yourself breath.” she pats my hand in my lap.

“I can’t just come out and tell him I love him.” I suck in a breath. “I don’t think I could bear the rejection from him. Not from Aus. I care too much about him to lose him this way.” I stress. 

“What makes you think it would automatically be rejection? How do you not see it?” She smiles before getting up and pulling me with her. I arched a brow. “Take a moment, but then go back in there and have fun. You deserve it.” She gave me a quick squeeze and headed back inside as I found my way back to the railing. 

I took a breath and closed my eyes as I just focused on clearing my mind. It was peaceful out here. The city was different at night. It felt more alive.

I heard the balcony door slide open and click shut for the second time, as footsteps came to a heavy stop next to me. It was silent for a second, just the sound of the city in the background. The air was charged around us, like he had something to say but couldn’t quite say it and I held my breath. He rested his hands on the balcony next to me, letting out a sigh before he spoke, “Were you ever going to tell me how you felt?” 

I turned to look at him then, eyes wide in shock and the embarrassment I felt was surely showing on my face, “I uh-how did you-“. He moved closer then, still not touching me but closing the distance between us slowly, and it felt like I was suffocating in his presence. “You weren’t meant to hear that.” I breathed lowly, scared that if I spoke louder maybe I would break. The chill of the Toronto air had set in and I shrugged my leather jacket over my shoulders, wrapping it tighter around me and allowing my arms to subtly wrap around themselves. But Auston saw through me. He reached out and gently peeled my arms from around myself and brought me closer to him, his scent, his voice, his presence invading my personal space from every angle.

“But I did. I did hear you.” He was so quiet I almost didn’t hear the words escape past his lips. His forehead rested on mine and his lips were so, so close. All I had to do was push up on my tip toes and his mouth would finally be on mine.

“And?” I breathed in anticipation, eyes lidded and heart racing so fast it could beat out of my chest. When did this go from me being fearful of losing him to being wrapped up in him? His fingers traced my hand as one slowly curled around my wrist and the other reached out to my waist to draw me closer.

His eyes flickered down to mine and I could hear the countdown at 10 from the living room. And if he was so cliche as to-

He kissed me on 8. His lips slowly working on mine in long drawls. His grip on my waist tightened and the hand that was in mine slowly cupped my face. His hand feels so masculine against my cheekbones, the calluses coarse against the expanse of my soft skin but I leaned into it. I brought my hands up to his broad shoulders, pushing myself as close to him as humanly possible, feeling his taut muscles ripple against me. His body heat radiated off him and warmed me up in no time. His tongue was slow and calculated in my mouth. I could feel all the passion he felt in that moment and it caused me to whimper in response. Which in turn made him tighten his grip on me. He tasted sweet like dessert wine. I could hear the cheers of our friends as they rang in the new year but I just I smiled into him. I felt him smile back as I slowly pulled away and caught my breath. 

Somehow both of his hands found their way to my waist, keeping me flat against him. I clasped my hands around his neck and scrunch my nose as he leaned his forehead back to mine gently.  I close my eyes and revel in the feeling of him against me.“That was-“

“I’m in love with you.” He interrupted and I opened my eyes. “You wha-“

“I’ve been in love with you for way too long... I just didn’t realize it. And you’ve been right in front of me this whole time. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before or why it took me so long to admit, but,” the city lights reflected in his eyes making them glimmer as he looked down at me, sincerity gracing his face, “It seems like everyone else caught on before I did. I never want to lose you. My best friend. I always want to be that for you. But I can’t just settle for it either.” His smirk started to peak out at the corners of his mouth, as I felt myself start to smile a little at the normalcy of it. This. This felt normal. That stupid smirk too.

“I need you to be mine.” He says slowly, like he’s scared, that after all of that, that I would somehow say no. 

“All you had to do was ask.” I smile as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I felt a little more confident about my feelings now. 

“I love you, Auston Matthews. Nothing has ever changed that, and nothing ever will.” I place both hands on his cheeks and give him a lingering peck on the lips. His eyes flutter open, staring into mine fervently, and I start softly, “I’ve been in love with you since we were 16 and you dragged me out on the ice. You were so mad about the outcome after your game. But you didn’t say anything about it. You just laced me up after it was over and said you could think better when I was there. I never took that too lightly.” I grinned at the look of awe on his face as he sat down in the chair I was previously in and pulled me down with him. I faced him on his lap as he placed his lips over mine again, thumb lightly rubbing a circular path along my jaw. And as he pulled away I caught my breath.

“I’m glad I get to do that anytime I want now.” He smirked.

“Anytime you want?” I played.

“Anytime,” he pecked along my jaw and I instinctively closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips burning on my skin, “anywhere.” He kissed my lips again but I was the one who pulled back this time. 

“Happy New Year Aus.”

“It is now.” He grinned and I lightly swatted him, his laughter filling my ears, “that’s not going to change is it?” 

“Same old us, you still want your best friend right?” I smirked.

He smiled genuinely. The one that filled my heart to the brim, “Same us, (Y/N/N).”

-

[yeocult]

Hii~ ursa minor, corvus, orion, gemini, betelgeuse, deneb, spica, proxima centauri, mimosa, star cluster, moon, comet, delta iv heavy, heavy falcon, soyuz, RCS, RD-270, raptor? (so sorry it's a lot of questions 😅)

*cracks knuckles* it’s time to get ready to overshare !! thank you for sending so much in!! it was fun hehe

ursa minor: do you have hobbies or interests that no one knows about?

hmm sports, writing, and editing? i enjoy watching sports matches and being nerdy about analyzing the players and game lol, mostly basketball and volleyball! i hate playing sports though lol. writing and editing are just for fun! (irl ppl don’t know much so i guess it’s a secret). i’d like to pursue editing to something more serious though!

corvus: what are 5 things you appreciate about yourself?

1. neatness and i’m organized! / 2. i only surround myself with good people, if there’s something off about a person i immediately cut them off (idk if this is me running away from everything bad or that i respect myself lol) / 3. how easily inspired i am / 4. chill? (is that the right word?) sometimes i just can’t bring myself to care that much abt certain things lol / 5. fashion sense i think

orion: what element would you like to be able to bend?

i convinced myself i was a waterbender when i was younger lmao but i’d like to bend fire! no reasons, i just think it’s cool hehe

gemini: which character (fictional or not) is your spirit animal?

shizuku from whisper of the heart and ursula from kiki’s delivery service...they are just so comforting!! having a lil studio in the forest is such a dream!

betelgeuse: which video games gives you nostalgia for a place you have never been to?

ah i don’t play any video games :-(

deneb: you can turn one book into a movie,tv show or video game. which one are you picking?

omg this is a hard one! i’ll probably think about this more but rn i’m completely stuck >///<

spica: when do you consider a movie “good”?

no plotholes, it’s consistent, and not so cliche. the texture, not bland, and good writing is important too. soundtrack that evokes emotions is kinda important to me as well. not so much necessary but i like it when a movie has an open ending! i look forward to the cinematography a lot too :D but honestly, everything needs to work well together, the writers, actors, and production team.

proxima centauri: if you would have the chance to travel the world, which places or countries would you like to see?

ooooh i want to visit china, germany, dublin, singapore, hanoi, japan, s.korea, and new york! so many places >///<

mimosa: what do you associate with your favourite colour?

beige - comfort, coffee, home, silence, sundays, fresh sheets, and cookie dough :DD

star cluster: what is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year?

gained - interest in filmography, writing, and editing / lost - activeness ?? lmao ever since quarantine I've gotten so lazy / let go of - a close friend of 5 years

moon: “A man is made of memories. It is all we are.“ (Lawrence) what do you think this means? Do you agree?

kind of! how we act and behave was all from our childhood—memories. it shapes us how we are today. we think a lot, we experience a lot, so it think this is what the quote means...? hopefully i don’t sound stupid lol

comet: you have the chance to undo one thing or decision in your life, would you take it? If you are comfortable sharing: what did you change?

yes! i would taken more opportunity and put myself out there more often even if i’ll get hurt—i think it’s a learning experience that i’ll never get back

delta iv heavy: what is your favourite thing about your degree course?

ah i’m not there yet (i’m assuming this is for uni/college). but, i’d like to study fashion design or something in the art department hehe

heavy falcon: what is a subject you are highly interested in but you would never study yourself?

english, biochem, interior design, history, ohmygod i have a lot. but the thing with me is that i’m very interested in anything, i’m curious, but i’ll never commit to anything that isn’t art because i’m simply just not passionate enough. there’s a difference with being interested/curious and passionate for me...? (not to mention i suck at anything else lol)

soyuz: language(s) you would like to learn?

chinese!! i’ve actually started learning 2 years ago but never continued with it because it’s just too hard !!! >:( i also can’t even speak my mother tongue fluently so i need to get that first before learning another one. the tones...are soooo !!! difficult !!!!! i’ve also learned french for 7 years but i sound embarrassing sigh

RCS: how do you stay focused and productive?

sigh...i’m the worst student ever. i just kinda guilt trip myself into studying like “you’re a burden if you don’t do good on xyz” or like just slap myself and get it over with yk? it’s not the best lmaoooooo

RD-270: Do you need silence to study? or do you like to listen to music? if so, what is your go-to study-playlist?

rarely, i like to listen to music 99% of the time. it’s either a random khh/krnb playlist with new songs i’ve never listened to, lofi, or piano music! sometimes i’ll listen to my own playlists but it’s distracting with songs i know lol

Raptor: do you study at home or do you prefer to study at the library/in cafés?

sigh, i hate studying outside. maybe that’ll change for me in the future. i’ve tried studying in the library and i got nothing good done. i’ve also never went to a cafe to study. although i do love the vibes, it’s usually too loud for me. i like being in the comfort of my own room :))

send me a space asks!

[j2badwolfclevergirl]

Dear you,

I know today isn't actually my birthday, but it's still close enough that it doesn't feel wrong to write this.

I remember the last time I wrote a letter to myself was when I was eighteen. Wow. That was four years ago now. Hey. It's me. You.

You were such a different person back then.

Still raw and broken, trying to find something, anything to hang onto. Your life was falling apart.

Friends were growing up and leaving. You were growing up and it fucking terrified you. You were so scared and insecure that you closed in on yourself, all long sleeves and sweaters. You couldn't bare your arms because all your pain was written on them.

You were losing your religion, your faith.

You had no fucking clue who you were or what you wanted. Well, you thought you knew what you wanted but now you're not as sure.

Do you remember those walks on the beach with Evan, how happy and yet how miserable you were?

You remember thinking "these are the memories I'll treasure."

And you were right. But you were also wrong.

Because those memories couldn't compare to some of the ones that came later.

You, at eighteen, would never have even imagined who you would become.

At nineteen, things finally started to heal. You cut off all your hair and you fucking loved it. You left religion in your rearview with all the trauma it had caused you. Ok, maybe not all of it. Some of it you still carry deep in your chest and you're still trying to pry all the sharp-edged, heavy pieces out.

You went to England, for a whole month all by yourself. You literally got on an international plane and flew for seven hours and were awake for almost twenty four hours straight and then

you were there. In England.

That "someday" dream actually became a reality. You got to see Shakespeare's birthplace and visit Jane Austen's house.

You went out to a pub for the first time and drank for the first time. You even got kinda drunk. You tried a hand-rolled cigarette. You felt free and a little terrified by it.

You went for walks by that river, beautiful and a little haunting.

You were pretty lonely for most of that month, but you don't really regret a second of it.

It showed you that you were capable of so much more than you thought and that maybe some of your dreams could acutally come true.

Then you started college. For real this time. Moving away from home, leaving behind your remaining two friends and your dear, crazy family.

You remember how scared you were that drive down? How you had your headphones on and were trying to drown out the frantic voices in your head, the twisting vines in your chest and stomach? How your fingers kept knotting in your lap as you tried to wring the anxiety out of them?

Remember that first night in the dorm room? Scared but also kind of excited. College was a place to start fresh, to try and figure out who you were now.

That first semester was a bit of a mixed bag. You made some friends but being around them made you anxious, insecure. Casper died and you cried more than you thought you would.

And then there was that night with your friends, playing drinking games and drinking wine out of a red solo cup with a twisty straw. They went out to smoke and you thought, "Why not?" And then you came inside and everything shattered. You were on the floor, in someone's lap, crying and trying to breathe. You couldn't stop saying sorry. Four and a half hours you just kept gasping "sorry" over and over and over, begging for forgiveness for being weak, being a burden, for ruining everyone's night. And that was the night everything started to crack again.

The long sleeves came back. It got hard to breathe more often. You couldn't spend time with your friends because your brain wouldn't shut up about how they didn't really like you, how you were a burden, how they judged you for being weak, how they wouldn't miss you and how they would even be better off without you. And so you hid. You stopped going to dinner. You unfollowed and avoided. You cut them off and shut them out because you couldn't make the voices stop. You started to break again.

But then summer came and it was almost a relief. Home was the same, except it wasn't. The twins had started to get boobs, James was in high school and everyone was fucking growing still. It felt good to be home but it was also hard to see that everything had continued while you were gone, that your little siblings were growing up when you weren't there to see.

The second year was a little better, a little easier. I honestly don't remember much of it off the top of my head. You started to tentatively make some new friends. Just aquaintence level really but it was a start. You kept learning, kept struggling a bit but you didn't break again.

You had your first kiss at 20 years old with the first girl you ever liked. Oh yeah, that's right. Somewhere before college you figured out you liked girls. In fact, you really like girls. It was scary and, like the nerd you are, you turned to google. You spent hours researching, taking quizes like

"am i gay?"

"is it a crush or a girl crush?"

"do i really like her?"

You watched dozens and dozens of videos just trying to get used to two girls kissing. You imagined what it would be like to kiss a girl. And you didn't hate the idea.

It took months before you decided you were bi. You didn't tell anyone for a long time. But when you did, no one made it a big deal. But you couldn't tell Gammy. You still haven't told Gammy. You're too scared. You don't think your relationship with her will survive.

You also went on your first date at 20. It went ok but she told you she wasn't interested after the second date. That seems to be your lot. You still haven't made it past the second date.

21 was when things really started to get better. You made some real new friends. They aren't perfect and sometimes you still struggle with insecurity but you're learning that it's ok and that often they are just as nervous and insecure as you.

You could finally legally drink! The first time you go to the liquor store they don't even card you and you think it's pretty funny.

You started trying to love yourself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't. You also started to let loose, take more risks, try to go with the flow a little more. You went on more dates but nothing ever panned out. You also started smoking weed. You really fucking love weed now.

You spent more time with Emma and found out you actually have a lot in common. She became your fun-friend, the friend who would drink with you on a weekday, smoke with you when-fucking-ever and who encouraged you to let loose. You were each other's cheerleader and each other's encouragement to live like the young 20 year olds you were. Remember that night you went out drinking on a Wednesday afternoon before class? You had drinks and then two shots. I don't think anyone noticed though. Two weeks later, you were back at the bar before class again and you both split a pitcher of mimosas in celebration of the ending semester. Those were two of the best nights you ever had. But they weren't nearly as fun as the days you would go over to Emma's apartment to "study." Those afternoons and evenings spent drinking, smoking and talking. Sometimes playing a game, sometimes watching a TV show, but always having so much fun.

Now, here you are. 22 years old. Four years ago, you were on suicide watch and feeling like life would never get any better. Now, you're thinking about teaching abroad after you graduate.

You still aren't in a relationship but for the first time in your life, you are genuinely okay with that.

You don't have a lot of friends but the ones you have you wouldn't trade for anyone else.

You're still trying to find the balance between responsibility and living life to the fullest but you're getting better at it everyday.

You also started practicing witchcraft, which is kinda cool.

You feel more confident in yourself and you are having fun experimenting with your style.

You shaved your head and it makes you look kinda badass. (It is also so much easier to deal with and let's be honest that is really why you love it.)

You smile so much more than you used to. You laugh more and cry a little easier. You're finally starting to let yourself really feel again. You're trying not to be so afraid of feeling, trying to stop numbing yourself when you feel overwhelmed. You're trying to sit with your emotions more and let them pass rather than ignoring them because you're scared you'll fall back into the dark place. You're growing.

You have changed so much.

You still think being an adult sucks, but you're starting to notice and take advantage of more of the perks

You have transformed from a scared, broken, bleeding teen into a confident, curious, and free-spirited adult.

The future isn't as scary now. I mean, there are definitely still days where it terrifies you and your chest aches for everything you've lost with time. There are still days where you relive a memory and long to go back to when things were simpler.

But there are also days where you remember that the future promises more of those good times and memories.

You're doing what makes you happy more. You're letting yourself be happy without guilt.

You're finding the pleasure and joy where you can and learning to enjoy it as it washes over you, instead of trying to grab it and hold on.

You're letting yourself make mistakes and trying not to feel as embarrassed or ashamed of them as you used to.

I am so proud of you. I am so proud of who you're still becoming, of who you won't ever stop becoming.

Keep growing, keep learning, keep taking risks and making mistakes.

Be brave.

Be curious.

Be tender.

Because you're alive and that's all that matters.

Love,

You at 22

[alitheamateur]

The Grind-Chapter 15

He escorted me through the tinted glass doors into the predicted booming music filled bar room, people packed from wall to wall, over to a tall tabletop nestled in the corner. Very gentlemanly, he pulled out the empty chair to offer my seat.

“Alright, Liv Elliott, can I get you a drink? What’s your poison?”

“Thanks, uh, I’ll just have a beer, please.” I answered, quivering with slight nerves. He maneuvered his way through the crowd headed in the direction of the bartender, while I waited fretfully alone with my thoughts. He seemed to be nice enough, and clearly easy on the eyes, so much so that my agonizingly neglected sex life was taxing me towards the direction of just sleeping with the man tonight for the hopeful intent of an orgasm.  But, he wasn’t my Colton. My emotionally confused, tormented, asshole Colton.

Snap out of it, woman. The guy dumped you. Very cruelly so. MOVE ON.

Drinks in tow, Luke two-stepped and squeezed through the crowd, making his way back to me.

“A beer for the lady,” he served with a wink. But it wasn’t the same wink that so long ago made me weak. It wasn’t like.. don’t say it, you pathetic fool. “You look stunning in the neon lights, you know?”

Dear God, please be joking with that line, man. He let loose a smothered laugh. Sweet relief. He wasn’t serious.

“Thanks, I think?” I accepted the cheesy, sarcastic compliment. “Tia mentioned you were a personal trainer. That must keep you pretty busy.”

“I do my fair share of push-ups, I guess, yeah. But I enjoy it, honestly. Especially when my clients see the results their looking for. It’ all worth it then, ya’ know?” Okay Luke, so you’re kind, and not a total airheaded muscle bag. Noted.

“Yeah, I’m sure the downtown housewives have a fit over you, huh?” I winked. “Ha ha ha, very funny. I’ll have you know I have several house dads on my clientele list as well, thank you.” He chimed matter of factly. “But, enough of me for now. I need to hear all about the glamourous, successful, posh life of the rising journalist, Liv Elliott.”

Wow. What load of shit had Tia been feeding this poor fellow? “Not much to know, sadly. I’m a bit of a workaholic these days. I was recently promoted at the newspaper I work for, which has definitely added to my work load.” I tapped my index finger on the dampened bar napkin beneath my sweating brown bottle. It did sound a bit tragic when I heard myself say it aloud. I was a soon to be 23 year old single woman, living in a bumbling metropolis, no children, no heavy responsibility other than a steady job which most of the time felt more like a paying hobby than an actual career, and I spent the vast majority of my life tucked away at my desk, or in my lonesome apartment with my nose tucked into my computer. Aside from the occurrences when Tia would suggest dinner, or the occasional appearance at a newly opened nightclub, which I was strangely enough beginning to enjoy a bit.

“Nothing wrong with dedication in my book! I admire that you take what you do seriously. And the fact that you’re a complete knockout just adds to the allure.” Luke said with eyes zeroed into my own.  Swallowing the last swig of my drink, a pang of guilt flinched in my belly. I was genuinely enjoying the banter of small talk the evening had consisted of thus far, but the feelings didn’t go much deeper than that. Not to say necessarily I wanted to be there with Colton instead, because every ounce of remaining conscience within me advised otherwise. I felt it wasn’t wise to be out without anyone yet, considering the state I was in. After returning from the short visit back to Indiana, sure my emotional state was frequenting more on the border of happiness, and almost contentment rather than the doom & gloom of before. But, I was far, far from ready to dive into the dating pool again. The proven dangerous, unruly, painful dating pool. My heart not quite nursed back to it’s original state, and ready to open up to the next Pittsburgh man. Regardless of how purely genuine and handsome that man may be. Luke didn’t deserve to be trampled on, and strung about by an unstable mess of a woman living in a never-ending state of confusion.

“Oh gosh, Luke. Thank you, really.” I tucked a curled strand of hair behind my reddening ear. “Can I be super honest with you right now? At the risk of sounding like a total heartless wench…”

His look narrowed behind stringy eyelashes, and he leaned in. “Uh, sure? Yeah. Shoot.”

Flashes of  what I imagined would’ve likely been a stable, routine, safe and steady relationship with the confused man across from me sparked through my thoughts. All the attributes any sane woman would hunt out in a partner, yet all the things to me that seemed, dull and tedious.

“You have been nothing short of a total charmer since our introduction tonight. And I-” I began before Luke interjected with a cautious smile, and knowing nod.

“Ohhhh, I think I know where this is headed.”

“Any woman, I mean literally any woman, including my clearly stupid self, would be lucky to be in your company. Which is why, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror again if I carried this far enough to let you get hurt.” My saliva thick with nerves and what I hoped wasn’t regret as I let my date down as easily, and earnestly as I knew how. “You have no idea how bad I sincerely wish I could slap the ignorant decision I’m about to make right out of me… But, I’m just not ready, ya’ know? I’m kind of a pile of wreckage at the moment, and you don’t deserve to have to glue it all back together.”

He bobbed his head lazily and relaxed back into his chair. “As much as I don’t like it, I understand it. Tia kinda informed me that you were still reeling a little from your last relationship. But, since you were honest, can I be the same with you?” He asked politely.

“God, of course. Please!”

He pursed his mouth seriously before beginning. “The loser who did whatever he did to screw you over so badly, is a mindless asshole, who is apparently blind as well. I’ve spent all of a couple hours with you Liv, and even I can see what kind of woman you are. So, don’t sell yourself short, okay? Whether you give him another chance, or someone else who comes along, make sure he deserves you. And hell, by the way Tia talked you up, she might make her own play at you before it’s over.” I laughed at his response, especially his dig at my proud bi-sexual friend, who never hesitated to playfully suggest I take a walk with her on the other side of the sexuality fence.

As the conversation came to a close, Luke took my hand into his, and ushered me kindly to my car outside. I kissed him tenderly on the cheek before he reached down to open the handle of my door.

“If you think it’ll keep Tia off your back, I could always tell her our night ended at your place with hours of relentless love making, if you want.” I puckered my mouth in sincere contemplation of his suggested lie, but considered it be best for both our reputations if we kept it honest.

“As tempting as that little strategy of yours sounds, I think I better just suck it up and take the scolding from her. But thanks for lookin’ out for me.” A thoughtful smile slid onto his lips as he closed to door after I slid into the seat, before he jogged carefully across the crosswalk.

 Following my date with Luke the night before, Tia had texted begging to meet up for brunch at a place closely located between the center of our apartments. I groaned at the backlash I’d no doubt have to suffer at her hand after I spilled the details of how things had played out with her set up. She’d arrived at the restaurant before me, and was seated at an umbrella covered, mosaic table on the front patio, already sipping leisurely on a mimosa. When she saw me approaching, she raised her hands to a cheerful clap, obvious that she hadn’t spoken to Luke yet. Or maybe, talking to Luke was exactly why she was so unreserved with her merriment towards me. Had he decided to go ahead with his salacious fictional story about what had happened a few hours ago between us?

“I ordered you a drink. Now sit, and spill, LC!” She’d decided that would be her given name for me, given my middle name was Caroline.

“Hello to you, Miss Nosey. Whatever happened to not kissing and telling?” I was giving it my all to avoid crashing her excitement.

“Don’t you dare! I need to hear everything!” She gasped with an exasperated eye roll.

When the waitress came back to our table, delivering my fluted glass and jotting down our order, I was thankful for the 3 extra minutes I had that allowed to me to escape her insistent questioning.

“Alright, but when I start talking, you have to swear you won’t interrupt. Just let me say my piece, okay?” I arched a pinky at her in expecting hers to return in a swear.

“I already don’t like what I’m hearing, ma’am….” She sighed between sips.

“He’s like, beautiful. Like Tom Cruise in Top Gun kind of beautiful. And he was so damn polite, Tia.  The perfect gentleman. But, not in a stuffy way, ya’ know?”

“Yes, Liv. I do know. Which is exactly why I wanted you to go out with him to begin with. Go on…” She cocked an obvious displeased brow at me.

“And trust me 100% when I tell you that after I spent some time with him, I really, really tried, Tia. I wanted something to spark, I wanted to feel that little flutter in my belly around him,” I stressed in a contrite tone. “And I know if it had been any other normal, remotely rational female, that it would’ve happened that way…” Before I finished my plea, I downed the hefty remains of my mimosa hoping for an extra ounce of liquid courage. “I’m just n… not ready, I don’t think. I mean, I feel a million pounds lighter than I did 6 months ago, definitely. But, I don’t feel quite ready to move forward with dating anyone just yet.” I ended my thought, hoping there was a sliver of her that would understand where I was coming from. “Do you hate me?”

She huffed dramatically. “Oh fuck, Liv. Stop it! You  know I don’t hate you. Its your life, and I’d never encourage you to do something you don’t feel up to. And, just because I know you’re driving yourself crazy with it, I just want you to know its okay to still love him. Colton, I mean.” I halted any movement as her words registered to me. Breathing included. “I know you despise him for what he did, and rightfully so. The shithead deserves it. But, it’s okay to love him, too. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Love is this stupid, weird, jolting roller-coaster that makes no sense. And whoever you strap into that seat with, whether it be Luke, or Colton, or some rando you haven’t even met yet, it’ll be right. You’re smart, LC. Trust yourself. And if you happen to strap in with someone who turns out to be a vicious psychopath, then I’ll be in the seat right behind you to throw the dude over the side, alright?”

The girl was a God send. I was so unbelievably thankful for my dangerously loyal friend. Something that now made my life somewhat whole. Almost as whole as the veggie omelet I inhaled, after a side order of cheese grits, of course.

“You’re the best. Like, the best of the best, you know that?” I complemented.

She shrugged daftly, smearing cream cheese heavily over her blueberry bagel. “You don’t deserve me, Elliott. What are your plans today?”

I hadn’t thought much about an agenda for today past the brunch with Tia, but I’m sure it’d consist of something along the lines of a yoga session in the living room, maybe a little research for the next match I had to cover, and lastly spending way too much time pruning in a bubble bath.

“Nothing as of yet. Where are you headed? Work today?” I supposed.

“No, I actually have the day off so I’m gonna head over to the Temple for an extra workout.” Tia was referring to Temple Fitness, the gym close by where she was a member.

“Do you have anything coming up? Like, fights, I mean?” She was still striving to get her feet wet in the world of fighting, so competitors weren’t exactly banging her door down with opportunities.

“Not yet, damn it. But my trainer keeps me in shape at all times, just in case something comes along,” she informed me.

Then, a strange glimmer lit inside her blue irises. “As a matter of fact, why don’t you come down with me? When’s the last time you put a workout in, you delicate little pansy?”

As much as I didn’t appreciate her brutal sarcasm, she was actually right. Not to discredit the wonders of hot yoga, but I hadn’t actually had my heart rate elevated in, well, nearly a year. With Colt out of the picture, I’d lost my running partner. Who was also my bedroom partner, which had been my definite first choice in the cardio department.

“Hey, I resent that remark, thank you very much! No matter how accurate it may be. I’d just be in the way though, Tia. You’re training, and I’d just be, standing around.” I laughed off her suggestion.

“There’s plenty of equipment, you bimbo. Ellipticals, treadmills, a pool. Plenty of things to keep you busy, and get your saggy little tush in shape,” Tia winked. “Or, the fancy MMA columnist could maybe do a little training herself to see what a day in the life of her subject is really like.”

I was instantly intrigued at the bold proposal. I’d gotten to sit the sidelines on everything Colton underwent in the days leading up to his match, but nothing remotely close to suffering it firsthand. We’d learned in school that there was no better way to “know” than to “do.”  I would truly have the insiders point of view if I dabbled around with all that entailed in the life of a mixed martial artist, along with that added bonus of gaining what I very much lacked in muscle mass. Not to mention, the education of a bit of self-defense, which wasn’t a bad idea now that I no longer had my own personal body guard to escort me through the ruthless streets of the city. Damn, Tia and her endless ideas that sent my boxed zone of comfort crumbing around me.

“God, I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. Is there anything you can’t talk me into? Like, it’s getting ridiculous. Stop forcing me to be all, spontaneous and what not.” I spat sarcastically at her.

“Well, I haven’t talked you into bed yet, my oh easily persuaded friend. I’ve spared you,” Tia gawked foolishly across the table. I can only imagine the pink cloud of mortification overcasting my gaping jaw.

What crazy plan had she wrangled me into? My hesitant agreeance already a hard to swallow regret. But, she couldn’t drag me into too much trouble with just a bit of exercise, right?

tags: @torialeysha @eap1935 

[spider-moon-princess]

Vampire Souji Dream!

Here’s the rest of that vampire Souji dream! SO, a small point I have to make, Dream me KNOWS subconsciously about the stuff Souji’s suffered through/I have a huge soft spot for him which is why Dream me got 1000000% instant attached to Souji. It was kinda hard to put that into words though, so I thought I’d explain it beforehand. It’s just a written out dream, so don’t look too much into it. Basically, it’s what happened. I use “Etsu” as my in game name in all my games, so that’s what I referred to myself as. ^v^;

T for suggestive themes? Everything’s pretty much implied lol

Her eyes blinked a few times, trying to get used to the different shades of blue shining in her eyes as people danced, grinded, and moved against the obnoxious beat of the music. She stared out at the dance floor where several of her friends waved at her for her to join them.

She gave them an apologetic smile and shook her head. She wasn’t a dancer in public. Maybe in the comfort of her home, but usually nothing more than a head bob to the beat or tapping with her foot.

She took a small sip of her Mimosa. It had been a while since she’d been out with friends, and had an alcoholic drink. One every now and then wouldn’t kill her.

A shiver ran up her spine. She certainly wasn’t cold, especially not with all these people inside the club.

As she took a small, but long sip, she was trying to figure out who was watching her. She could feel a pair of eyes burning into her, but she was trying not to show that whoever was staring at her was affecting her.

A drink was placed next to her.

She almost spit out her own. Even with the blue hues illuminating the club, she could tell his eyes were a vivid green. Her breath hitched as she traced his features with her eyes.

She was gaping at him, but she couldn’t stop. Her eyes finally landed on his curved, sly smile. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s rude to stare?”

“S-s-sorry!” She immediately apologized, her heart leaping out of her chest the moment she heard his voice. Her eyes quickly went to her drink, her face red with embarrassment. She was never any good at hiding her emotions. 

Cool fingers guided her chin to look over at him again. She couldn't peel them away this time. "You seem a bit out of place." His other hand gestured to her navy blue dress that went past her knees. She looked more like she was going to Sunday church mass rather than the club. 

"Um, I, well, I'm…I-I…" She took a breath, trying to steady her shaking voice, which made his sly smile turn into a smirk. How refreshing that he should have to go up to a girl, rather than her crawling into his lap like so many do every night. "I was dragged along…I don't really…" Her voice got quieter as she realized she was rambling. "…Come to places like this." 

"I never would have guessed." He traced her lower lip with his thumb. Her breath hitched again at the small action, which made him want to continue poking and prodding her to see her reactions. She reminded him of someone from a very long time ago. He brushed the thought aside. She was his new toy, his new meal. That's all they were to him now, he'd decided a long time ago. "Would you like to try something new today?" 

His whisper tickled her ear, trying to will herself into saying no, but her body was betraying her as she leaned into him. "I-I don't even know your name, how can you easily say something like that?" She finally blurted, pulling herself from him. 

"Okita Souji. You may need to know it beforehand." An impish smirk this time. 

Even his name, just the sound of his name was pleasant to her ears. She was fascinated by him, entranced, hypnotized. "You can call me Etsu. It was nice meeting you, Okita-san." Her feet were too eager to take her away from the bar and to the bathroom or even outside.

His grip on her wrist was gentle, but firm, not leaving any room for escape. "Now, now, we've just met and you want to leave so soon?" His throat was dry, and she smelled too sweet to just let go. He'd convince her. No one had resisted him. He could feel her skin warm up at the contact, which made him raise an eyebrow as he heard her pulse quicken. 

Oh, how she wanted to escape. She was an adult, for God's sake. If she wanted to sleep with a handsome man, she should be able to without feeling guilty! 

There was a part of her that was telling her to run away, to say no, and forget all of it. She didn't know him or what he was capable of. She'd been told many times that she was too trusting of others. 

Yet, there was a small voice that told her to go for it, just grab his hand and let him lead her where he might. To just give in and…

She stopped her thoughts there as she looked back at him, into those captivating green eyes. Determination trickled into her eyes as she grabbed his hand before she could even think about what she was doing. Swallowing a lump in her throat, and her face flushing a bright red, she nodded. "What did you have in mind then?" -- Her eyes fluttered open and quickly glanced up, finding the source of her hands being restricted. They were still in the handcuffs. Her memory was both blurry but clear. A blush spread across her cheeks as she realized the position she was still in. 

In his living room, a rather simply decorated room with rusty red walls and swords hung as decorations, Souji sat there, polishing a sword. "Has it been over a hundred years already, Hajime-kun?" He murmured to himself, cleaning it with much care as he thought of those days he spent sparring with him. 

His ears picked up the sound of a pulse racing. His meal must've awoken. Carefully, he slid it back into the scabbard and hung back on the wall in its rightful place with the others. He took his time approaching the door, and leaned against it, crossing his arms as he watched her struggle a bit before giving up. "Trying to leave so soon?" Ah, there it was again, the nice pink on her cheeks, despite having spent the night getting familiarized with each other in the dark, she was still so shy. 

"O-Okita-san…" The sheet slid lower, the more she tried to pull it back up with her feet. 

He snorted. "Back to 'Okita-san' already? Last night-" 

"Yes, I am aware, thank you! Please let me out!" 

Souji walked over slowly, staring at her with the eyes of a predator. He hadn't been able to get his fill, since he'd gotten distracted. He unlocked one of the handcuffs, bringing her wrist up to his lips, his fangs grazing it lightly before he finally sunk them in, earning him a little gasp of pleasure. He didn't drink much, just a bit to soothe his small thirst. He skillfully ran his tongue over his puncture marks and looked over at her. "As uptight as you seemed, you're into a lot of surprising things, aren't you? It's always the quiet ones." He snickered as he released her other wrist. 

Her hands immediately grabbed ahold of the sheets and wrapped them around her. "I-I…" She honestly had no idea what to say. As much as she tried, she honestly couldn't regret the night she spent with him, if anything, she craved it again, but was more curious about him as a person. She didn't know much about him before getting into bed with him other than his name. "So…" She cleared her throat, trying to fix her very messed up hair. After a few moments of him staring at her, she finally let go of the breath she'd been holding. "That was a first for me, and I bet you could tell…I-I'm not like this, but you…" Her eyes finally met his. 

"Don't get this wrong, Etsu-chan." Souji grabbed one of her wrists and pulled her swiftly so she was lying on her back. He placed his hands at her throat. "You know what I am. You probably have an idea of what I'm capable of, and while it was fun, I could kill you here and now," He squeezed lightly to cut off her airways for a moment. "For fun." He could see the fear in her light brown eyes. That's right, he was a monster that was supposed to be feared. She, and the rest of the humans, are just his food source and playthings. 

Coughing, she stared into his cold, jade eyes. They weren't just cold…she could see something else in them…pain? Loneliness? He was trying to push her away. "But…" She took a slight breath. "You won't." 

Souji glared down at her. "I'm very much capable of it." He bared his fangs. "I could suck you dry here and now." 

She swallowed a lump in her throat. He was trying to push her away. It was too late, she was drawn to him. She becomes attached to easily, a flaw of hers. She barely knew him, but here she was, trying to barge her way into his life. She wanted to know everything about him. What made him tick? What has hurt him? How can she help him? The fear in her eyes was replaced by sadness. Tears started to well in her eyes as she looked at him. "Will you really?"

Had he gone too far? No, not enough if she was still here. "Yes." He disappeared into the living room to let her get dressed. -- She couldn't stop thinking about the way his eyes looked. "You're so stupid. You don't even know him, why do you already care?" She mumbled to herself. It was just a fling, a one night stand. She shouldn't have let her emotions get the better of her. "Idiot." She lightly hit her forehead as she finished combing her hair through with her small comb she kept in her purse. 

When her eyes were upon him again, her body moved on its own, arms wrapping themselves around him, face burying into his back. He was shocked at the action. "What are you doing?" Even though his question was dripped with annoyance, he made no move to break out of her embrace. 

"Don't push me away because I won't leave." 

"I'll call you a cab." 

"Okita-san, I don't know why, but…" She reached over to grab his wrist in an attempt to stop him from making the call. "You've endured a lot alone. Everyone you cared about has left you. You're alone. I want to change that." 

"I'll kill you if you come around. Just leave and don't come back. You were just a meal." He grabbed her wrist and pulled her away so he could make the call. "A meal and entertainment. I don't think anything else of you." 

His words did sting, but she knew better. She was going to come back. --- No matter what he tried, even after he harshly sent her home after her confession, she came right back to him the next day, and the day after that, and everyday. Even if he brought over women, she still kept coming back. It was frustrating. It had been a mistake to have approached her in the first place. Souji thought she would've been an interesting meal, thinking it would've stayed that way, but it had turned into something more. 

Right as he was polishing Kondo-san's sword, the doorbell rang like it usually did at around six pm. Reluctantly, he carefully set it down and went to let her in. She always greeted him with a smile and a little wave. "Souji-kun~." 

"Here to bother me again?" Souji shuffled back to the living room with her at his heels. 

"Bother? Well, I guess so, if you see it that way." She shrugged. He wasn't the first person to say harsh things to her. "What are you doing?" 

He silently went back to polishing the sword. 

"Shinsengumi's First Division Captain Okita Souji." 

Souji froze. He hadn't heard that title in a very, very long time. His head turned, curiosity ignited at her mischievous smile.

"I got it right, didn't I?" She kneeled next to him. "I remembered hearing your name somewhere in a history class." 

"I used to be. I'm not the same person I was then." 

"I wouldn’t think you were. You've lived through many events now, you're older. Hmmmm, I'd say you're over 170 years old? Although I don't trust my math." She chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. 

"175, actually." Souji chuckled, sheathing the sword. "Well, what do the history books say about the Shinsengumi?" 

"They didn't mention how good-looking you were." Giggling, she took out a folder from her bag. "I know you probably know-" 

"I actually don't. I'd rather rely on my own memories and knowledge." Souji took the folder to look at it. It contained brief biographies of each of the Shinsengumi officers, their death dates, how they'd passed, things he had an idea of. The more he read on, the more he remembered, the good and the bad. He'd been too late. Everything had slipped through his fingers while he had been in bed. 

Souji looked over at her. Her hand was gently squeezing his shoulder. "I know to everyone, even to me, these people are just names and events on paper. They happened, they're interesting like a novel, but to you…these are people you knew, lived with and cherished, weren't they?" 

Souji sighed; she was never going to leave him alone, was she? "Yeah…We all came from a poor dojo in Ezo. I had no purpose after they were gone, after Kondo-san was gone, but someone has to remember them the way they were." 

"But remembering is painful, isn't it?" 

Before she could continue, his lips were already on hers. "So, make me forget then." He'd been expecting her to blush and excuse herself, but this time she pulled him back in. 

"Let's forget about everything then." She murmured. 

"Such a bold thing for you to say, Etsu-chan." 

Rather than giving him an answer, she offered him her neck. "It's been a while since you've fed, hasn't it?" 

Chuckling, he kissed her neck. "You keep track of my feeding habits too? What are you a stalker, or do you have a vampire fetish?" He felt her skin grow hotter. Ah, there it is, her cute blush. 

"I-I do not! I just care for you, Souji…" 

"Last time, I discovered some of your fetishes, let's see if I can find some more~." 

"Sou-" She bit her tongue to bite back a moan as he sunk his fangs in. 

"Let's see how long you can keep quiet." He smirked against her skin. 

Of course, he won that bet.

[pocmuzings]

alrright everyone lets dish real quick

@cameeluh omg OK so,  the cruise was incredible it was honestly so so so much fun, and on like the 3rd night i was there - i met this guy named corey, and i thought he was really cute, but he didnt talk to me so i was like WHATEVER

then the next night, he comes over and buys me a drink and sits with me all night bc my brother left early and i was still drinking.

we both ended up sitting in the library together that night, at 4am, drinking wine and playing never have i ever, and it was just ... so much fun. and ok yes we totally hooked up

so then, from basically the 4th day onward, we had a routine of him calling my room every morning to just be like ‘hey, how are you feeling? do you wanna get breakfast?’ and we’d spend almost the entire day together, like just wlking around or DRINKING and EVERYONE thought we were dating and had come on the cruise together which was obvs not true

but sjkfsjkn he was just such a fuck boy, but like, a DEVELOPED fuck boy, bc he was rlly nice at times, and he was just so SEX YYHJDFKJ. 

anyways anyways, tldr; we spent almost every single night together, up until 3-4am, running around the cruise ship, drinking, and breaking into the pool to make out.

then on the second last night, me and him got into this mini argument, rlly small and dumb, and i left to the bar. fast forward an hour and he comes in with his arm around this girl and i was like FUCK THAT and strted talking to this random other cute guy ,, and me and corey just didnt speak to each other after that, like at all, because i was a bit emo about him flirting with this other girl

and then last night, i see him at the club, and the club is so dead theres only like 3 ppl there bc its the last night, we have to get up early .. u feel? but im like ILL BE THE BIGGER PERSON HERE AND COME SAY BYE TO HIM so i walked on over, and i was like ‘hi. just wanted to say bye, before the end of the cruise’ and corey just looked at me, and it honestly was like.. the coldest look i ever recieved that i almost cried lmao, and he just said ‘bye’.

SO FAST FORWARD this morning, i was so emo, i didnt want to leave the cruise, but i was upset that corey was such a fucking asshole. so i arrive at the airport and our flight gets delayed a lil, so i decide to mssg corey and im like ‘hey, that goodbye sucked’ and he immediately replied being like ‘yeah. i know. im sorry. i was an idiot’ and im literally about to start crying in the airport, im pmsing so badly .. but then, i feel a tap on my shoulder and i hear someone say ‘is this seat taken?’ and i look over and its fucking COR EY. and he was like ‘we should do a proper goodbye’ and im like yes yesy eS but i dont wanna seem too eager, so i just nod, and smile, and we hug, and then... thats kinda it ?? like its still a fucking lame goodbye

so i go to the bar, lmao, and have like 4 mimosas and i message him again being like ‘i really wish you had kissed me goodbye’ and he was like ‘i know , im sorry, i was so distracted’ and im so petty n drunk im like, ‘u were distracted thinking about that GIRL u were hooking up with the other night.’ and hes like ‘oh. fuck. yeah. im sorry. i just saw you with that guy and i got mad’ and im like ???? ur such an ASSHOLE at least i didnt KISS anyone else, and he’s like ‘true. but you kissed better then she did’ and im like ‘kiss me right now, i board in ten minutes’ and he mssgs back saying ‘where are you’

and we literally SPRINT down the hallways, past security, and i was so emotional, and i finally FIND him just outside my gate, and we kinda stop in front of each other and im like ‘i have to go’ and hes like ‘ i know’ and then... we kiss goodbye.

and thats it. i have him on fb, but like .. he lives so far, nd we’ll never see each other again! rip !

[andrearodway]

Our Wedding & First Anniversary | Leesburg, Virginia | Andrea Rodway Photography

You have stolen my heart

 I absolutely have no idea where this last year has gone. Story of our lives right? There are so many things that I want to say in this post and bear with me, because this is a long one. Mostly because I couldn't pick and choose my favorite shots from our wedding, because truth be told ... I love them all. I love seeing the emotions on people's faces. I love remembering how I felt that day in anticipation of seeing Matthew and finally marrying him. These are the feelings I hope and want for my couples as well. 

One thing I know for certain is that not everything goes as planned. And to be quite honest, it really shouldn't. We all live in reality and sometimes we just can't control the outcome of every single detail no matter how hard we try. You would think that someone that's been working in the wedding industry would have it all figured out to the very second of her wedding day or the very smallest detail and I completely did not.

Months prior to the wedding I had found a beautiful dress, ordered it and couldn't wait for it to come in. I found it on a random day during the week over my lunch break. I went by myself to the salon and fell head over heels in love. I had been telling everyone about this dress. My absolute worst nightmare came true when I invited all of my girlfriends and Matthew's mom to the fitting. I figured I'd have my big "Say Yes to the Dress" moment since I'd found the dress by myself and then we'd all laugh and cry and drink mimosas! Well part of this happened...

I put the dress on and immediately my heart sank. The chest of my dress was at my waist. Ummm HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! I told the attendant that this was not the size that we ordered. The dress was absolutely huge. Falling off me in all directions, like literally three sizes too big huge. You'd think I'd be happy about this, but I had maybe lost 5 pounds. I have curves and I like them and have grown to like them. And being a woman that has struggled with weight issues my entire life I knew this was all sorts of wrong. We took the dress to a seamstress and she told me that it would cost a small fortune to rip apart the dress and make it look "normal". I was absolutely devastated. It's a couple of months before our wedding and I have no dress! 

Immediately I went online, to bridal shops, anything I could think of. By then I was giving up. I just didn't care anymore and my dreams of the perfect dress were down the tube. One day I was driving past the store I usually go to to get my camera gear and film and I saw there was a bridal shop near by. I popped in, told the woman my nightmare and she too looked at the dress and said it would be very expensive to fix it. I looked around her store and I tried on a few dresses. I put my now dress on and absolutely loved it. It was totally different than what I had been previously thinking. The bad news? She wouldn't sell her sample. Can I please get some sort of miracle that isn't going to cost me 9 bazillion dollars?! So, I got the designer and name of the dress and hit up my best friend Google as soon as I got home. I found the dress on BHLDN's site and there was one left ... and in my size. That's a sign right? I didn't even blink. I ordered it and it was in my hands a few days later. Now ordering a dress online is very scary, I will totally admit to that. But here's the thing, when you don't actually have a dress to wear you kinda just have to go for it and pray to baby Jesus that it will work out. 

Why am I telling this story? Because when you're scrolling through someone's Facebook or Instagram feed everything looks perfect. Folks. Things are definitely not perfect and I'm sure there are quite a few brides out there that have similar stories. But the point is, I would've run down that aisle with my hair and makeup done, in a regular dress, and still married Matthew. I probably would've been upset ... but I would've still gotten married. You just make things work, no matter what the situation.

So I finally had a dress and with that out of the way I could focus on the important stuff. Ya know, like marrying my best friend.

During the wedding day things get a little crazy. Especially for the ladies. We're up at dawn to get our hair and makeup done, get into those spanks, then the dress, shoes, and we're out the door. I tried my best to freeze time as much as I could. I'd just sit and smile and look around at those that were with me that day, because I so wanted to remember every single minute. I can remember standing in front of everyone after I walked down the aisle and I almost turned to my Pastor to say, "hold on a minute ... I need to remember this". 

The air was crisp and cool on October 22, 2016 and I remember being upset because it was windy and we were getting swindled out of the amazing weather that was the last few days. But as you know, you just can't control these things. So I did what any bride would do. I sucked it up, had a couple mimosas, and went on about my day. Things could be worse I kept telling myself, and it's 100% true. We switched the ceremony site from overlooking the Potomac River to right in front of the house, it was a little bit warmer and honestly ... with the beautiful trees it turned out perfectly. Murray Hill has quite a few options for ceremony, so we were lucky.

Matthew and I chose Murray Hill because it provided the best of both worlds in our eyes. The stunning view of the Potomac River, the beautiful stone house, and the luscious garden and treesprovided the most beautiful and romantic backdrop. I fell even more in love with my dress when I paired it with my cathedral length veil and extra long blusher from Twigs & Honey. They matched perfectly and it gave me that timeless romantic look I wanted. I am all about movement in fabric, especially for wedding gowns. Having just a little bit of a train with gorgeous tulle that provided movement was the icing on the cake. Matthew had an absolute blast looking for his tux. We knew we wanted to have something custom made and honestly, you'd be surprised that it really doesn't break the bank to do this. We went with Michael Thomas Custom Clothiers in D.C. and they did a fantastic job. We were able to choose every single detail of his tux and my man looked SO GOOD and the navy blue brought out his beautiful blue eyes! Guys, you look so much better in a suit or a tux that is made specifically for you!

The bridesmaids dresses came from Lulus and I loved the texture that they provided, plus the color was beautiful for fall and my ladies looked gorgeous! Finally let's talk flowers. I wanted everything to tie in to our beautiful venue, our love of the outdoors, and ooooooodles of romance. I met Lisa a few years ago working the same wedding and absolutely fell in love with her work. We met up, had a glass of wine and planned out all aspects of our reception space. From the candles, to the garland, to our bouquets, everything was just perfect. 

To first look or not first look. We chose a first look and I highly recommend it! Walking up to him with my heart beating out of my chest was the best feeling in the world. We were able to share this oh so personal moment with just the two of us and we didn't even notice our photographers. We didn't have to share our first moments looking at each other with all of our guests, it was just us. Just writing about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't explain the feelings that rush through your mind when you see each other for the first time. The best way is to just tell you that it's just pure joy. The other upside. You can get so many photos out of the way and of course your photographers will thank you for it! :)

So here we are one year and a day later from our beautiful wedding day. We've had one hell of a year; the loss of our baby at 5 months, my dad having a triple bypass a week after our wedding, traveling to Norway for a 10 year vow renewal (more on that later), adopting a new puppy, and now we'll be heading off to our honeymoon in a few short weeks! There are so many twists and turns in life and not all of them are wonderful. But there are so many things that are. If I can provide any advice to couples it would be to plan your wedding together, just as how you're going to plan your life together. Figure out what's the most important thing to each person and set your budget and priorities. For us it was amazing photography, music, and food. While you want your guests to have the most amazing time, the day is really about the two of you and your celebration of love. Surround yourself with nothing but the best of family and best of friends. Cuddle up and look at your engagement and wedding photos, share a million and one kisses, and tell each other you love each other every day no matter what.

Oh, and sneak in a dance or two to your wedding song in the kitchen.