#this made me realise once again that i'm not much an album person

[albonoooo]

i've been tagged by @f1-giuki, @blueballsracing and @liamlawsonlesbian to share my nine favourite albums!! thank you loves <3 and please know i spent way too much time thinking about this. i go through phases with the music i listen to so it was incredibly hard to narrow it down to nine albums and ended up being a combination of all-time and current favourites (and honourable mentions because i cannot shut up). i probably forgot at least half of the music i know while making this.

(in no particular order)

1. favourite worst nightmare by arctic monkeys

all-time favourite. my most beloved arctic monkeys album. every time fluorescent adolescent starts playing, i feel an overwhelming sense of nostalgia for something i didn't even experience. no skips on this album.

2. rush! by måneskin

current favourite. about 3/4 of the songs on this album are currently in my most played songs on spotify. idk what kind of crack they laced this with, but it is fucking good.

3. stadtaffe by peter fox

all-time favourite. these songs were played everywhere all. the. time. when i was a kid. i remember sitting on the floor in the living room in front of the radio whenever it happened, just so that i don't miss anything.

4. on the way to wonderland by sunrise avenue

all-time favourite. my first ever favourite band that i latched on to when i was around nine because i heard fairytale gone bad on the radio so often and really loved it. went to the library and borrowed this album and out of style on cd so my dad could make me illegal copies at home lol. i genuinely still find samu haber's voice one of the most soothing i've ever heard.

5. pain remains by lorna shore

recent favourite. lorna shore has quicky become one of my favourite metal bands ever since will joined them and this album was on repeat for months after it first came out. it's so good.

6. les choristes soundtrack

all-time favourite. one of my favourite movies, has made me cry many times. thanks to the three separate teachers that made my class watch this film over the course of my time at secondary school. even more so because it really scared me after the first watch when i was 11 (i think it was mostly rachin and mondain who freaked me out lol).

7. master of puppets by metallica

all-time favourite. one of the albums of all time and that's a hill i'm willing to die on. my first metal album which my dad was very happy about. this has been in every music listening rotation since i was twelve.

8. doo-wops & hooligans by bruno mars

all-time favourite. another nostalgic one. this album and unorthodox jukebox were two of the cds my mom used to keep in her car and play all the time on longer drives when i was younger. for that reason, i also associate this music with my pediatrician (whom i love and wish i could still go to lmao).

9. gold album by lukas graham

all-time favourite. first of all, why was it so hard to find a picture for this? i got this cd for my thirteenth birthday after i heard drunk in the morning on the radio and was obsessed with it. then i spent hours and hours in my room just listening to it on repeat for the next few years. i actually haven't listened to any of these songs for a while, but i still love them dearly.

honourable mentions:

(in no particular order)

1. am by arctic monkeys

their best album imo.

2. out of style by sunrise avenue

mentioned above.

3. void by the rose

could've honestly put any album of theirs.

4. unorthodox jukebox by bruno mars

mentioned above.

since this took me an eternity, i'm sure everyone and their mother has been tagged by now so. if you see this and wanna do it, consider yourself tagged :)

[seonghwaddict]

super duper pretty — kim hongjoong

in which you haven’t heard from him in years but a single drunk phone call ends up with you tangled up in your bed.

musician!kim hongjoong x fem!reader. genre. angst, suggestive, friends to lovers. warnings. drinking, tension, kissing, suggestive content. wc. 4k. rating. pg-13.

lilo’s notes. AGHDHSJDJJAJDJSJDHSJS GRRRR WOOF WOOF AWOOOO GR AHHHDHDHDHHDS

listening to. right here, chase atlantic.

masterlist.

you weren’t someone hongjoong could bring himself to think about much these days. despite having known each other since childhood and been best friends, he hadn’t spoken to you in three years, too caught up in his thriving music career.

album, tours, interviews, collaborations. it all kept him busy and away from you. his chase for stardom had him isolating and distancing himself from friends and family. and, sure, it was shitty, but he didn’t have time to dwell on the people he was told would hold him back. he didn’t have time to regret it. regretting leads to stagnating and stagnating would lead to the end of his career.

that’s not to say he didn’t miss you. of course, he did. but on the last day he spoke to you, it ended in an argument he didn’t have the energy to resolve. so, he left. he left you.

him not having time to regret it was more an ideal rather than a truth.

in reality, he regretted leaving you more than anything else.

but three years later he still hadn’t talked to you, afraid it would ruin his pride if he came running back to you. yet he couldn’t deny how he felt like he was on top of the world, the best producer and rapper in the scene. his career was thriving and his newest album topped charts across alll platforms. when all the interviews and promotions were finally over, he decided to treat himself ot a little celebration, renting a club in town and inviting every major celebrity he had connections too.

the night was spent dancing and throwing back shot after shot until he could barely stand. he enjoyed it at first, but slowly the effects of the colourful drinks made him feel much too hot and cramped in the sea of dancing bodies. making sure no one noticed, he escaped through a back door into the cold, fresh air. he felt the sudden urge to leave, but in his drunken state it would be difficult to navigate his way home.

without thinking, he slumped against the red brick wall and pulled out his phone, dialing a number he’s always know by heart. it rang three times before the person picked up.

“hello?”

hongjoong didn’t realise how much he missed your voice until you uttered that word so softly. he could picture you somewhere in your appartment, maybe in the kitchen to get a snack, tilting your head in confusion at the unfamiliar number.

“hey,” he really didn’t know what else to say, staring intently at a leaf on the ground.

you went completely silent on the other end and for a moment he thought you’d hung up. but, eventually, you spoke again, only this time a certain firmness to your voice.

“what do you want?”

“come pick me up,” his words slurred and molded together and you had a hard time unnderstanding him, sat stifly on your couch, “please, i need you to pick me up. just… just this once?”

you didn’t know what to say. you wanted to scream and yell at him and demand a proper explanation as to why he just walked out of your life like it was nothing, but at the same time, you wanted to sob and confess how much you missed him.

still, you couldn’t help but ask, “what the hell happened, hongjoong?”

"i- i'm drunk," he slurred, sounding even worse than before as he shuffles his feet on the floor pebbled floor. "like, really, really drunk," he insisted with a quiet groan, but you already came to that conclusion. "come pick me up… please?"

you stood up from your couch, pacing around you living room as you listened to him speak before stopping by your window and looking out into the night sky. he was the last person you thought would call you at this house, not having heard from him in three years. but here he was, drunk and begging you to pick him up from god knows where.

“fine.” you said simply, swallowing down the lump in your throat as you grabbed your coat from the entrance of your apartment and slipped on some shoes, not bothering to change out of your nightwear. “where are you?”

“um,” he looked around. the back door led into an alley, but if he walked off to the right he’d be right by the entrance. with his free hand supporting him on the wall, he did his best to get there. “outside the, uh, club,” he explained, though it was really helpful, “by the-” he cut himself off with a sigh, resting his forehead against the wall and squeezing his eyes shut in frustation of his lack of clarity, “the red one.”

your eyebrows furrowed at his vague description as you got to your car, getting into the drivers seat and just sitting there until he could give you a proper answer. “the… red… one?”

“it’s got, um,” he looked around the surrounding area, spotting a familiar place just across the street, “in front of that café we used to go to?”

“oh.” you recognised that, hesitating for a moment before starting the car, unwanted memories of the countless hours you spent with him there clouding your thoughts. all the talking and studying and laughing. “find somewhere to sit.”

“okay,” he nodded to himself, taking some steps to a wooden bench and pointing at it as if you could see, “i’m gonna sit on this thingy.” his drunken stupor had him laughing at himself as he takes the final steps to sit down. he swayed a little but not enough to make him lose balance and fall. once sat, he nodded and grinned at nothing in particular, just proud he was able to manage the simple task you gave him. “i’m sitting.”

“good, great,” you hummed approvingly, holding back a smile at his antics, “now… just hang tight, i’ll be right there, okay?”

“okay.”

it felt good to sit here, he realised with a sigh as he leaned back and tipped his head to look up at the stars. the gentle caress of the night air and the dimmed sounds of the city around him a soothing backdrop to the chaos in his head.

a silence followed his words, tense but not uncomfortable. the red exterior of the cheap club came into view soon enough and you slowed to a stop to park in a free space. you got out of the car and looked around until you found a familiar figure sitting on a bench tucked below a little tree. you hesitated again for a moment before walking to him as slowly as possible, your heart pounding in your chest. he hadn’t noticed you yet, having shut his eyes at some point.

it took you some long moments but you finally pulled yourself together and cleared your throat, making him startle as you muttered a tentative, “hey.”

he glanced toward the sound of your voice, blinking away the drunken haze as he attempted to focus on the world around him. his vision unclear and unfocused as looked up at you, struggling to recognise you for a moment. the bright streetlights made his head ache a little; the world a blur and all he could do was struggle to focus until he could see you properly, the familiar feature snapping him back to reality.

you shifted back and forth on your heels awkwardly, waiting for him to say something as he just stared at you, face flushed and intoxicated. your hair was messy and you wore shorts and a loose light grey sweater. you wondered if he even recognised you, or were you just a stranger to him?

“you came,” he breathed after a while, eyes taking in every detail on you. he focused on you; the way the moonlight caught on your skin, the soft furrow of your brows and subtle downturn of your lips. your eyes, his favourite eyes in the world, looking back at him. “you actually came.”

“you called,” you answered, almost breathless as you also took him in. his style looked a little edgier than when you’d last seen him, though still as chic as ever. short bleached hair, the corners of his sharp eyes smoked out.

“i did,” he nodded, attempting to stand up before slumping back again, “but you actually came.” the alcohol made his words feel heavy, pushing them out in soft sighs as his eyes locked with yours again. he grinned stupidly, “you’re like, pretty.”

you almost laughed at his words, shaking your head lightly, “and you’re like, drunk,” you scoffed jokingly, “come on, it’s late, let me get you home.”

“no, i mean,” he whined, pouting dramatically and now you weren’t sure if the pink tint of his face was from the alcohol or something else, “you’re like super duper pretty.”

unsure of how to respond to his compliment, you only chuckled nervously and offered him a hand to help him get up. “come on.”

he stared at your hand for a few long moments before grasping it and standing up with your assistance. he stumbled a little but caught himself as you led him to the car. your nudged him to get into the passenger seat as you walked around to get into the driver’s.

it was dark in your car, your face dimly illuminated by the screen that displayed a map of the area. you look even prettier in this light, he thought, the sharp shadows making your features stand out that much more. your cheeks soft and round and your eyes sparkling with reflections in a way that made his wander all over you.

neither of you said anything for a while as you sat there. seemingly lost in his drunken daze, he realised how familiar this felt, being there with you, just you and him. everything felt right. he let out a soft hum before leaning back, tilting his head back against the seat and closing his eyes.

“my place is closer than yours,” now that he wasn’t looking at you, you felt comfortable enough to break the silence. finally buckling your seatbelt, you tried to ignore the way butterflies swarmed in your stomach at the thought of his eyes on your body, “you can stay for the night, if you want.”

“do i get the couch?” he turned his head to peer over at you as you start the car, “or…” he giggled, “or… we can share the bed.”

you raised an eyebrow at him, surprised at how flirtatious he was being. “we’ve shared before so, i guess… if the bed is more comfortable for your then i’m fine with sharing it.”

memories of your late night excursions with him rushed back to you and you briefly wondered if he would touch you the same as you laid together. would the feeling of his hand in yours bring you the same comfort? or the protective grip on your back or thigh? you don’t mention any of it.

“let’s just share,” he whispered back. he sounded tired, though if asked he could probably go on a ten page rant of how much he missed being close to you.

he, too, thought of all the night you spent together. the laughs and the touches that felt so real. he remembered how comfortably you would fit in the same bed, laying side-by-side and watching random movies until dawn broke. how easily you’d fall asleep as you shared blankets, face mere inches away from each other but never quite touching.

he wondered if it was possible to relive those times, gazing over at you for a moment before shaking his head and look out the window. those were nothing but drunk fantasies.

“okay,” you whispered back, trying not to look at him, trying not to shiver at the softness of his voice. a little slurred, but still soft.

he was always like that with you. soft.

people would mistake the two of you for lovers more often than not when they first met you, but it was always denied with flushed cheeks and awkward giggles. and it was true. no matter what was said or done, you always remained just that. best friends. it was for the better, made things much less complicated. especially when he took off and you never saw him again.

at least, until now.

the silence in the car was palpable, broken only by quiet breaths and the low hum of the car. it was a calm silence, mildly comfortable despite how heavy it felt, weighted down by all the things unsaid.

eventually, you slowed to a stop and pulled into your parking space in front of the apartment building you lived in. turning off the car, you got out and beelined for the entrance. he knew where to go anyway, not looking back at him as you led the way to your apartment.

the door opened to your living room and kitchen area, just a little messy since you weren’t expecting anyone to come over anytime soon. you made quick work of shucking off your jacket and placing your shoes aside, telling him to wait for a moment before you disappeared through a hallway he knew led to your bedroom.

you returned quickly, a pile of folded clothes in your arms that you held out to him, explaining he had left them a while ago. his body itself didn’t change much, so you figured they should still fit. you didn’t want his sweaty dishevelled suit on your bedsheets.

as he changed, you paced back and forth in your bedroom nervously, thinking about all the possible things that could happen. but you stopped quickly when you heard the bathroom door unlock, practically jumping to lay in bed. you tucked yourself into one side of the large bed, covers pulled up to your chin as you face away from him.

you heard him pause for a moment before you felt the bed dipping behind you and the covers shifting as he blanketed himself too. despite there being a considerable amount of space between you, you still felt him body heat brushing against yours in the thick silence. even though you can’t see him, you knew for a fact he’s probably laying on his back to look at the little glow-in-the-dark stars you stuck to my ceiling years ago and never took down.

you sighed and whispered, “hongjoong?”

“uh-huh?” he hummed, eyes closed for a moment before he turning his head to glance at your back.

you squeezed your eyes shut, taking a deep breath before finally asked the thing you’d been dying to know. “did you ever miss me?”

“more than anything,” he breathed and you felt him shift to lay on his side, facing you. he wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold you like he used to. his voice held a hint of melancholy but he didn’t elaborate more.

you turned too after a moment, not taking a second to notice just how close he was, the thick white covers shifting slightly from the movement. your voice quivered slightly as you spoke, eyes stinging with welling tears. “i missed you too, you know… i missed you every day since you left and every day i hoped you’d come back. but you never did.”

his heart clenched at you admission, the voice he loved so much threatening to turn into sobs. the truth was, he wanted to, countless nights sat alone, wishing he turned back to knock on your door.

“i-i wanted to,” he stammered, whispering ashamedly.

“it’s fine, i got over it,” you forced yourself to focus on the pillow under his head instead of his handsome face.

his brows furrowed as you averted your gaze, eyes following yours even if you refused to look at him. he knew you well enough to know when you lied. he knew you well enough to know you didn’t get over it. didn’t get over him. he mumbled, “did you really?”

your lip trembled at his question but you kept your gaze locked on the white fabric, pressing them together to get them to stop as a few tears spill over the corners of your eyes.

you shook your head, your little voice breaking with overwhelming emotions, “n-no, i didn’t.”

you shifted your look to his hesitantly, your skin tingling from his warmth. your eyelids fluttered as you tried to hold back the tears.

"don’t," he whispered, thumb slipping down to caress your jaw. his eyes searched yours, your eyes wide with sadness and something he couldn’t quite understand. "don’t hide it. you don’t always have to be so strong. not in front of me.”

those words snapped something in your mind, no longer able to swallow down the lump in your throat as you threw yourself into his inviting arms, yours wrapping around his neck as you sobbed into the slope of his shoulder.

“why- why did you leave, w-why didn’t you come back... p-please, i need to know.”

he didn’t expect the sudden break down, but still held you close. one hand at the back of your head, the other holding you by your waist, your bodies pressed against each other and he let his lips press against the top of your head, making you shiver.

he rubbed your back, letting your tears fall wherever they man, muttering reassurances iagainst your hair. his faint scent of whiskey and mint mingled with your vanilla shampoo, his eyes shutting at the oddly comforting mix of smells. you felt him press repeated kisses to your messed up hair.

sobs racked your body for a few more minutes before the tears stopped falling and your breaths evened. you nodded against him, pulling your head away from him to look up at his face, at his eyes. the hand at the back of your head slipped forward to cup your cheek again, brushing his finger along your skin. he traces your cheek bone and along your harline down to your jaw, his eyes shifting between yours in disbelief that his skin was on yours once again.

“i was afraid,” he admitted, barely a whisper, “i was afraid that if i came back, i’d fall for you more… and then i wouldn’t have been able to spend a day without you, wouldn’t be able to chase after my dream. but… at the time, i didn’t recognise you were part of it, you know, my dream.”

your breath hitched as the words registered, “you- what?”

you cut him off with something you'd been wanting to do for a while; you kissed him, hands holding either side of his face. his eyes are widened in surprise, though he didn’t hesitate to lean into the kiss, returning it as quickly as you did it. his hands tightened around you, pulling you as close as he could.

your lips fit against eachother so perfectly, like the lego sets you’d force him to build with you when you were younger, every curve and edge of your bodies slotting together naturally. he got lost in the sensation of finally getting what he dreamed of, a hand slipping below the hem of your shirt to hold onto your bare waist, just wanting to feel closer to you.

his mouth tasted of exactly what he smelled like, mint and traces of whiskey, whimpering against his lips as you welcomed the taste and the touch. your whimper unlocked something, the kiss growing more urgent, restlessly pushed against each other without air left between. you could barely breathe, but you didn’t care as long as his lips stayed locked on yours for as long as possible.

but eventually, he bit down on your bottom lip ever so slightly before pulling away, catching his breath as you caught yours. your chest heaving as you refilled your lungs with air, face flushed from the realisation of what you just did and from the thought of what else you might do.

he glanced down at your swelling parted lips, jimmy coated by your mixed saliva, his pupils blown wide with desire.

“i wanna…” he mumbled, breath unsteady, “i want to…”

he wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, at least not until he noticed the way you peered up at him expectantly with that curious gaze. “what is it, joong?”

that nickname. he hadn’t heard it in a while. three years, actually, because you were the only one that called him that. his eyes searched yours.

“i want to do that again,” he admitted, cheeks warming, “and again and again and again… and so much more than just that.”

your breath hitched, intestines tied into knots as you struggled to figure out what you should say. the truth was that you wanted that too, wanted to feel his lips and hands all over your body. but, as his breath fanned over your face and you caught the traces of alcohol folded into the smell of mint gum, you were reminded that there was a thin possibility he didn’t mean any of it.

“you’re drunk, joong… it’s better if we don’t.”

he frowned, his grip on you loosening. “but you want to, don’t you?” he countered, “you know you want this too, so why not?”

“i just-“ you paused to sigh, continuing with an even tone, “i just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“i meant every goddamn thing i said,” his brows furrowed for a moment and he squinted, trying to emphasise his point, “so, i can’t regret this. i can’t regret you.“

you bit your lip, thinking carefully before sighing, the tension leaving your body as you played with the string of his hoodie.

“how about this…” you suggested, speaking slowly, “if you can wake up and tell me you remembered all this, then we can see where this goes.”

“and if i don’t, you’ll never mention in again?”

you nodded, slightly anxious as you wait for him to agree. it didn’t take too long, seemingly an acceptable compromise for him as he nodded.

“okay,” he agreed, his hand on your waist beneath your shirt tightening once again, “let me just kiss you one more time though, i won’t be able to sleep if you don’t.”

you laughed at his silly excuse, forehead dropping against his shoulder for a moment before lifting to look at him again with a grin that made you feel so stupid and in love. “fine, just one more time.”

networks. @cromernet @wonderlandnet @cultofdionysusnet @pirateeznet @atzhouse

permanent taglist. @ad0rechuu @sankatchu @mlink64 @yeosangsbb @seonghwasbbgirl @likexaxdaydream @dreamingofyeo @yalyallic @yunhoswrldddd @coffee-addict-kitten @thunderous-wolf @chngbnwf

[joesalw]

This conversation about Taylor's downfall in 2016 and what led up to it, plus this lie that most criticism of female celebrities is just misogyny is really interesting to me because it's something I talk to people about in real life. There's this idea that in mainstream media people love to build female celebrities up and then rip them apart when they get successful, which don't get me wrong is absolutely true, but in some cases it's a little more complicated than that. There are times when certain celebrities brand and present themselves as "the ideal dream woman" of whatever period they're in, and then when the societal image of what "the ideal dream woman" shifts but the celebrity's image doesn't, the facade cracks.

I think a good example of this is Jennifer Lawrence. I was a teenager when the hunger games movies were coming out and was obsessed so I used to watch a lot of the interviews with the cast. Jlaw presentes herself very much as a "cool girl", she was the youngest of 2 older brothers so she was a "tomboy" that loves sports and drinking beers and shots. She also made it a big deal about how she doesn't diet and is constantly eating yet still has a slim body and doesn't know about designer clothes and is so above all this fame thing. Whilst all this was happening the Gone Girl monologue was gaining traction particularly the part about cool girls and how women alter their personality for men's consumption. Eventually people caught on about all the fictional women and celebrities that fall into the trope and were over it, yet jlaw kept up with the persona. Couple that with her continually working with David o Russell, the insensitivity to other cultures, the overexposure and people realising her acting ain't really all that, you have the general public getting sick of her and her having to take a break. She's sort of made a comeback now and people are just chalking her downfall to "misogyny".

I wasn't really following what Taylor was up to in the lead up to her crash because I'd gotten sick of her long before that and avoided her stuff like the plague, but I did see someone on Reddit talk about how her winning album of the year over Kendrick Lemar and then using her speech to shit on another prominent black hip hop artist over something that was a lie wasn't a good luck for her. Add in the racist undertones in shake it off and wildest dreams videos for good measure.

This time around I do think her not adapting to the political and societal change is going to be a major factor if (I hope) she has another downfall. Before I get to the next part I do have to say I'm from England (you may have heard of it but it is a very foreign country/s) so if I'm wrong about the American political atmosphere someone feel free to correct me. After the election of trump there was a whole knew political awakening and conversations happening, one of them being about how Hillary lost due to misogyny (not completely true) so there were conversations about patriarchy, sexism, double standards and all that. This was the perfect climate for Taylor to be able to swoop in and use all these buzzwords she's learnt and blame anything bad that happened to her on misogyny and made all of her problems into "women problems". You had her giving quotes like how women are only allowed to react or some shit and released "the man" (side note but does anyone else find the bridge to the song kind of racist? Especially the way she's constantly compared to black artists?). She was of course celebrated for all this and had successfully rebranded to politically conscious Taylor Swift.

I don't think she expected the political climate to shift so quickly once again. In 2020 we had those viral videos of white women calling the cops on black people and the conversations about how white women use their privilege and tears to harm others and get away with it. During BLM there were talks about how certain white women will present themselves as allies and progressive but still have friends and date people who are bigots showing their politics is skin deep *cough cough*. COVID had us talking about the disconnect from celebrities about the real world and how capitalism is just another plague that is killing us normal people. You had certain companies and people becoming billionaires during this time and this truly began the crumbling of the pedestal the rich and famous were on.

Flashforward to now, where there are multiple genocides happening in front of our eyes. A time where you can't open any social media site without seeing innocents being slaughtered in ways that fills you with a rage and sorrow I can't even put into words. A time where our world leaders are doing Jake shit like some Arab leaders or actively funding it like the UK and US. A large number of Americans are saying they won't vote for Biden next year, others are screaming if you do that we'll get a repeat of 2016. But people are rightfully pointing out that Hilary is also a war criminal and the DNC were told people are not going to vote for her so pick a different candidate, they didn't and lo and behold those people stuck to their word. Women being in power does nothing if they uphold the same system which is exactly what women like Taylor do.

So the women Taylor rebranded herself to is the exact kind of woman whos shit people are sick of. Her face literally being used as the face of the western media ignoring the atrocities happening to brown and black people and upholding the status quo is just poetic justice. Add in the absolute shallowness of that interview and the whole capitalism is okay when you're girl bossing and you've got people wondering who the fuck does she thinks she is.

There's obviously a lot more to any potential crash Taylor may have and this is all my observations that may be wrong, but I do find all this shit fascinating and I wish people smarter than me would look into it to see if I've got a point.

You’ve got a great point

[sophietv]

Hi, I'm relatively new to the whole Gaylor/Kaylor/LSK universe so I'm sorry if this is a silly ask! But I'm curious to hear your thoughts on theory of Kaylor "breaking up" in 2019/20 which potentially caused folklore/evermore (both albums contain some very heartbreaking songs and feel influenced by the reality of Taylor's life at the time) and then the rumour of William Bowery being Karlie? I don't buy the whole Joe being WB so then it leaves me wondering if Karlie is indeed WB where does the break up fit in, if at all?

Also just wanted to say thank you so much for all the analysis posts and threads you do both on here and Twitter! Appreciate it very much!

Hi!

This is not a silly question at all!

In fact it is exactly THE Kaylor question of all.

And to answer this questions is really complex, because there's just soooo much.

I'm so sorry, because this is gonna be a VERY long answer...

About the "Breakup"

I personnally go back and forth as to know if they really broke up or not in 2019.

Either way, it was not for long. I think max a couple of weeks/months.

It's really difficult too, to point out exactly where this would have happened.

But if I have to guess, I would say that they might have broken up/taken a break, toward the month of August 2019 and most probably got back together toward Octobre/Novembre 2019.

What makes me think that?

Taylor when she explains the song Betty during the concert. When she points out where the event happened, she always say during the month of August.

The song August, from the teenage love triangle. The fact that she chose to name the song this. Betty is Karlie and James is Taylor. August is what happened that is "the worst thing that I ever did, is what I did to you".

In Septembre 2019, Taylor did the BBC1 performance and the Lover In Paris Concert. Both were really a shift in the Lover Era aesthetic and presentation. She wore all black, sung mostly accoustic versions, surprise songs and covers were break up songs and she looked devastated while doing this.

What makes me think they got back together then:

Back in Novembre, Taylor sarted flagging Karlie heavily again, and Karlie did the same. And honnestly, once you notice everything they did since then, it's really the only proof you need. (I will do, or try to do an extensive post on all the flagging that went on after the Lover Era, because there's just so much. (Hopefully I'll have time to do it tonight).

In the teenage love triangle, the most important part is that in the end, in Cardigan, James goes back to Betty and they end up together.

Betty is not the only song that Taylor did about that precise moment. Talking about "betraying" Karlie in some way. Long Story Short also talks about this. And ends up with Taylor going back to the person that she "betrayed".

In a Fearless (Taylor's Version) interview, Taylor talks about how her Vault Track songs haven't changed much since the moment she wrote them. Except for That's When, where she said that she changed it to be a duo. Because before she never experienced having doubt about a relationship and saying to the other person that she needed space and time and that the other person granted her this. She said that the other person saying that it's ok and being willing to give her time and space to figure herself out is what made her realise that she really wanted to be with that person. I think that this interview is SO important to all the LSK interpretation afterward. Here's the link to that interview:

5. Then you also have The Great War that is like the ultimate confirmation that whatever happened back in 2019 is behind them and that they are together now.

Here's a post I did about this: (X)

But yeah, I think the most important part of all this, is the flagging that they did and keep doing. It's just insane how much they both flags each other and at this point there's just too much Koincidences to pretend tha it's accidental.

About Folklore and Evermore:

You are totally right when you say that both those albums are incredibly sad with a lot of hearbreaking songs.

And it's true that at first, it's really hard to listen to them and not think that they broke up for sure.

But when you sit with them for a bit and listen to what Taylor had to say about the songs in those albums. Especially during the Long Pond Studio Session, you realise that yes those albums are incredibly sad and talk about betrayal, grief, depression etc. But the story that Folklore and Evermore tell is not a story about a breakup. And to understand that, it's important to take into consideration that during that time, Taylor was going though soooo much. More than anyone should go through in their entire life. And it was more than enough, without a breakup on top, for her to be heartbroken like she seemed to be during those eras:

Wanting to come out and not being able to.

Being accused of queerbaiting by the medias because you wanted to come out and was not able to. (It really looked at some point like going back to 2016...)

Being betrayed by someone that you thought was a parental figure.

Losing 13 years of hard work, and not being able anymore to do what you want with things that YOU made.

Having your tour cancelled.

Covid and not knowing if you'll ever be able to do what you love again.

Her mother's heath.

So yeah... this was sooo much and she showed so much resillience and strenght. But I think it was more than enough to warrant looking heartbroken like she did and writting heartbreak albums. Without on top of it all, breaking up with the love of her life (wich might have happened too during a small period of time...).

I will try really hard to not do a whole album analysis here, but just point out some things, because if I do, my post is never gonna end... (edit: I failed...kind of)

Folklore:

Betty, August and Cardigan:

Like I said before, this trio tells a story of making a mistake and breaking someone's heart while doing so. But ultimately coming back to the person.

Exile:

Taylor said that this was meant to represent a fight between two lovers that were not able to just listen to the other person. They are both trying to explain themselves but both are talking over each other and in the end are not able to find common ground.

(something like that, it's been a while since I've watched the LPSS)

And this narrative fits really well with The Great War, Long Story Short and even Betty, misscommunication that led her to believe that she was somewhat betrayed and to react accordingly.

But all those songs have also in common that the two persons end up together in the end.

Illicit Affairs:

The general concensus on this song is that it is about cheating.

But the meaning of the word Illicit Affair is actually: Not allowed by law OR CUSTOMS in a country.

So I think this song is her expressing how keeping her relationship a secret is hard and taxing on her.

But she still ends up the song saying that she would still do it a million times over for this person.

Hoax:

I think this one is the most important to listen closely to Taylor's and Aaron's explanations:

Aaron:

"There’s sadness, but it’s a kind of hopeful sadness. It’s a recognition that you take on the burden of your partners, your loved ones, and their ups and downs. That’s both “peace” and “hoax” to me That’s part of how I feel about those songs because I think that’s life. There’s a reality, the gravity or an understanding of the human condition.

Taylor:

"Love that isn't just easy"

"What if I'm writing about very fractured situations? Love, a business thing that really hurt and a relationship I considered like family" " I think the part that sounds like love to me is : "Don't want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do" To me that sounds like what love really IS. WHO would you be sad WITH? And WHO would you deal WITH when they were sad? Grey skies everyday for months. Would you still stay?

So Taylor is saying that Hoax is not about a breakup but about facing hard times in a relationship and being there for the other, when the person is not in a good place mentally. This ties back to This Is Me Trying too.

Peace:

Taylor explained it well in the LPSS but also in her Rolling Stone interview with Paul McCartney.

How it's about being in relationship and being scared that what you have to offer is not enough because you can't give your partner a normal life like you would like.

But she also say that she's able to achieve feeling like her life is a real life by keeping her relationship private.

She also said in that interview that while writting Folklore: "I was making Folklore, I went lyrically in a total direction of escapism and romanticism. And I wrote songs imagining I was, like, a pioneer woman in a forbidden love affair [laughs]. I was completely …"

Wich is the exact definition of their relationship since 2016.

See my Love Blackout post: (X)

I highly recommend to go read that interview, especially that part about Peace, because it's really telling. As well as the conversation they have about having children... (X)

Invisible String:

This is purely a love song.

And talks about how Taylor and Karlie had so many things tying them together even when they didn't even knew each other.

It ties back to "Your past and mine are parallel lines" from All Of The Girls.

And there's A LOT of parallel lines.

Here's a post if you are interested: (X)

The Lakes:

This one is probably the most telling song of the Album.

It talks about running away with your lover.

And in the song she says: "a red rose grew up, out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it".

Red Rose signify love.

So she is singing about her struggle with how her celebrity makes everything complicated and all that she wants to do is run away... but not without her muse.

And it's really loudly about Karlie. Here's a post (X)

My Tears Ricochet:

This one to me screams about a betrayal by a parental figure.

And I feel like it's really loudly about Scott.

"'Cause when I'd fight you used to tell me I was brave"

"And when you can't sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies"

"Wishing I'd stay"

"And your tossing out blame, drunk on this pain, crossing out the good years"

So yeah, it really feels like her talking to Scott about him selling her masters to Scooter.

Although her explanation of the song is that it's like going through a divorce and knowing exactly what to say to the other person to hurt them badly.

But it still really feels to me, like she is talking about Scot.

About being betrayed by your boss that you thought was family.

Ok that was a looong analysis. Again sorry, my post is gonna be a whole novel...

Evermore:

Champagne Problems and Coney Island:

She is still talking about feeling like she let down Karlie by being unable to put her first. Wich can lead back to whatever happened toward August in 2019.

Long Story Short:

It's the equivalent of The Great War of Midnights or the teenage love triangle of Folklore.

Going through a though time and thinking that you have somewhat been betrayed.

Being blinded by your emotions.

And realising that you got it wrong all along.

And ending up with your lover in the end.

Willow, Ivy and Dorothea are all love songs.

Evermore:

Is reminescing on what happened in 2019 and how over time she healed from it.

And the important part is that by the end you learn that her lover was by her and helped her through it.

Closure, Hapiness and Gold Rush:

Those ones are breakup songs, and could refer to the breakup in 2019. (although the 7 years in heaven in Hapiness doesn't quite fit).

But the interesting part about Evermore is that I think it was meant to give you the impression that they were not together anymore.

It was released when Karlie was pregnant with Levi.

Furthermore, It's Time To Go and Right Where You Left Me where released in January 2021 not long before Karlie gave birth.

And those song sserved as a big distraction because it got most Swifties to really think that Karlie betrayed Taylor and that they were not friends anymore.

And most gaylors to think that Karlie really broke Taylor's heart. Wich is kind of interesting when you look at all the other breakup songs beside Right Where You Left Me, Taylor seems to always feel responsible for the breakup and hurting Karlie. Except this one. But it's also the most clear breakup song of all of them.

So yeah, I do suspect that the album and mostly the deluxe version was meant to serve as a distraction to protect them and their child, and give Taylor the opportunity to really try to give Karlie a "normal" relationship out of the public eyes like she described in Peace.

Karlie as William Bowery:

Yes I do think that Karlie is William Bowery and I did a thread on Twitter about this (X)

So yeah.... here's my very very long post about why I think Karlie and Taylor are still together and what I think of Folkmore.

Sorry for the novel 😅

Thanks for sending me your questions! I hope I was able to help you understand a little bit better.

If you haven't had enough yet of me talking about my interpretations... Here's some more posts I did about them flagging after 2019 (X) (X) (X) (X)(X)

And those two are more about the babies: (X) (X)

[gbirrd]

Hi! I am coming at you about the "hozier album //Jason Todd" repost you made, in which you stated that you would take no criticism and, should someone come at you, you would rant line by line about it

I don't particularly disagree with you, but as a hozier and jason todd fan I need to hear more about this!!!!

Ohhh ho ho ho ok I have been SAVING this ask as a little treat because I was so excited when it came in but I've realised if I keep saving it I won't answer it! So! Here we go.

I'm gonna use the first songs from his newest and oldest albums for this (originals not special editions)- only doing a few lines from each or this post will go on forever- but if you send me a specific track, I will do an analysis of linking it back to Jason! There are very very few songs that I cannot do this with.

First up- Take Me To Church! Arguably Hozier's most famous song.

It starts off with these lines:

I think of this one mainly in regards to Robin Jason. Jason was originally a very bubbly, happy character- before he was originally killed off. In future Robin-Jason comics, whilst still maintaining that very Robin sense of humour, he's more volatile and seems to make light of situations he shouldn't- lining up with this first verse. The following "Knows everybody's disapproval" aligns with every comic of Jason since being written with the knowledge that he was disliked as Robin, with several going so far as to have the public in-universe dislike him, too; and with the follow-up of the regret felt when Jason had actually been killed. A lot of voters had expressed being shocked because they didn't believe he would actually be killed off based on the results of the infamous poll, and many in the present who feel Jason was treated unfairly: hence, "They should've worshipped (him) sooner".

I especially enjoy these lines in reference to Jason:

"No masters or kings when the ritual begins" When Jason comes back to life, there is nobody there for him- no welcoming arms of his father, and no condemning hands of his enemies. He is entirely alone; not directly aided in his resurrection by anyone, left to crawl out of his grave on his own.

"There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin" Jason was entirely oblivious to the fact that becoming Robin was viewed as a "sin" not just by the viewers, who disliked him for replacing Dick Grayson (as he was, originally, written as a Dick clone, pretty much) but also by Dick, who resented Bruce for passing on the mantle without checking with Dick first, and thus resenting Jason in turn for unwittingly stealing it from him: but Jason was oblivious, and sweet, and claimed it gave him magic. He wanted to help people and do good; and these actions led to his death. Another play on it is that the innocent and childish need to meet his mother *also* led to his death.

"In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene" I enjoy paralleling between his death and resurrection here. Once again pulling back to the warehouse for the madness part- I personally imagine choppy cuts between the Joker swinging a crowbar to Jason's fingers digging out of the grave. On a different scenario, the line "Only then, I am human" I enjoy the idea of having Jason fighting to swim out of the Pits, lashing out immediately at whomever was closest, to push the bitter irony that without the murderous Mountain Dew he would've still been catatonic and living on the streets. Then it would be juxtaposed with perhaps the dozen-heads-duffel-bag for the following, "only then I am clean", to reference how he feels he is "cleaning up" the streets and making Gotham safer.

Next up is De Selby Part 1- We're starting in the coffin with these opening lines, babey!

This song makes me distraught over how Jason it is to me. I especially in this regard feel the verse, "That God at the start couldn't bear" is very fitting, as Jason was dead for months before coming back to life, as if God was reluctant to allow him to return to the suffering He knew Jason would thus be subject to.

Jason was catatonic for two years before being dunked in the Pit- but I think this line, too, speaks to the innate horror of having died a 15-year-old, and gained your consciousness at 18. He went through the brunt of puberty completely unaware; I have to believe he didn't recognise his reflection as his own, at first- I even imagine he may have seen Willis, instead, and if that isn't a true horror in itself? You no longer recognise yourself as you, but the face in the mirror is still familiar as the one of your abuser. Yikes. Still, for these lyrics specifically, I think the first applies better: Not recognising himself post-Lazarus, feeling disconnected from his body.

For this song I also want to note these lines:

These lines specifically give me CHILLS for Jason. Going from Robin, who is the light to Batman's darkness, to the Red Hood- shadows and resentment and pain. And the way he "transformed" -a la murder Mountain Dew- on top of the fact that as someone brought back from the dead, he is technically an unwilling subject of necromancy- very much hammers the "Is claochlú an ealaín/Is ealaín dubh í" home. Yeah.

Thank you so much for this ask! I love being able to talk about songs I associate with Jason- ESPECIALLY Hozier ones.

[innytoes]

"I'm a nice person but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people.” Feels like a very Flynn to say.

Julie never expected Flynn to get into teaching. Honestly, they'd always dreamed of being on stage together, touring as Double Trouble. Except their styles of writing clashed so much it never really worked out, and then Julie got a ghost band turned human band turned international sensation. So yeah, while Flynn did make some cool remixes for the bonus track of their album, she decided her future lied elsewhere.

"It's basically the same thing," she'd joked once when they'd been hanging out in Julie's mom's studio, like the Old Days, even though that couch definitely wasn't as kind on 30-something's backs. "You have an audience. I have an audience. But if mine gets lippy, I can send them to time out."

Luke's head had popped up from his song book, but Julie pointed a warning finger at him. "No."

"Aw."

"Besides, I've realised I can achieve my ultimate childhood dream," Flynn had said.

"Become queen of the moon?" Julie asked.

"My other childhood dream: become Ms Frizzle."

And she had. Flynn had awesome, over the top outfits for just about every subject she taught, and Julie loved every selfie she sent while they were on tour. The guys had even turned it into a guessing game, trying to figure out what today's lesson was about.

Between the amazing fashion and the fact that she knew Actual Rock Star Julie Molina, Flynn was clearly the coolest teacher in school. Especially when she got Julie and The Phantoms to play at the school Christmas Charity Drive. The kids loved it. The band loved it. The teachers loved it.

The problem were the parents. Or, certain types of parents.

Julie had lost Alex to a bunch of earnest middle schoolers, Reggie to the Bake Sale, and Luke to a bunch of children who thought an electric guitar was the coolest thing. She'd been making small-talk with the lovely kindergarten teacher when Flynn flopped against the stage beside her, shoving an entire cupcake into her mouth in one go, handing the other one to Julie.

The kindergarten teacher gave them a smile, obviously used to Flynn's antics, and wandered off.

"You okay?" she said as Flynn thankfully at least chewed instead of just washing the whole thing down with soda like some kind of carbonated drink loving cobra. She patiently waited for Flynn to be finished, wincing at the sound nearby of Luke letting one of the kids try out what playing with an amp was like.

"I'm a nice person," Flynn said. "But I'm about to start throwing rocks at people."

"That bad?"

"One of the PTA moms asked me why I couldn't get Trevor Wilson instead," Flynn said. "And then tried to get me to talk to you about playing her kid's birthday party."

"Wow," Julie said.

"Fuck Debra McManning."

That name sounded vaguely familiar. The way it rolled off Flynn's tongue, she was pretty sure she cursed that woman's name a lot. "Wait, wasn't that the lady who complained you put her son in time out because he bit like three kids?"

"Yes," Flynn said, smiling a smile with gritted teeth. "And I'm not allowed to leave this room until we get the amount we need for the fundraiser, and if she talks to me again I am throwing hands. Or rocks. Or knives."

Julie knew that look. It happened right before Flynn did something they usually both regretted (because of course Julie wouldn't let her do the stupid thing alone.)

"Band huddle!" she called, decisively. Three heads popped up from various places in the gym, and her boys made their way to her.

"What's up, boss?" Luke asked, only pouting a little at being pulled away from his favourite thing: talking to people about music who were just as feral as he was. In this case, eight-year-olds who loved loud noises.

"We need to donate..."

"Five hundred twenty-seven dollars," Flynn said.

"Five hundred twenty-seven dollars," Julie repeated. "So Flynn doesn't commit manslaughter."

"Oh it won't be manslaughter," Flynn said. "It will definitely be premeditated."

"I need to taste at least five more things from the bake sale," Reggie said. "But I can start tipping well."

"Get me one of those giant cookies," Luke said, and Reggie shot him a thumbs up.

"There's an art auction in the corner, some kid drew a raccoon furry on a skateboard," Alex said. "I'm getting it for Willie. Think two hundred dollars will help me win it?"

"I'm going to get my nails painted at the booth over there," Julie said. "I'm sure their artistic vision will be worth more than they're asking."

They all looked at Luke expectantly, and he blinked, before grabbing the dinosaur wallet from the chain on his pants and giving Flynn a hundred dollars.

"Or that," Alex sighed.

"Or that," Flynn agreed. "Thank you."

"Of course," Julie said, giving her a hug. "You can't be Ms Frizzle if you're in jail."

[katyaromanoffpetrova]

Hey bae, I promised I would send this so here I am🫡

The album Clancy by Twenty One Pilots is soooo Kat coded imo. So yk how I get carried away with asks right? Today I shall give you explanations of every song I think is Kat coded and why😁

Next Semester: while the beat is up tempo and catchy it’s actually really fucking sad. It’s about how he(the singer) almost attempted to unalive himself. Which obviously has similarities to Kat’s backstory. But then the song goes “can’t change what you’ve done, start fresh next semester” which is obviously representative of how Kat has gotten past everything she’s done wrong and is now in a better place.

Backslide: one of my favs off the album. It’s about slipping back into that darkness he’s felt previously. He says “I don’t wanna backslide to where I’ve started from, there’s no chance I will shake this again” which I think really represents Kat’s mental health and it being such a slippery slope. And then (my fav part of the song) in the chorus it goes “‘cause I feel the pull, water’s over my head…..” and then it goes “I’ll take anything you have if you could throw me a line” which is like when Kat checked herself into the mental health place just desperate to get better.

Routines In The night: when he sings “walk the layout” he isn’t talking about a building but actually viewing his mind as a place to explore. “Some doors have “stay out” spray-painted in white” refers to bad memories and trauma which I think portrays Kat very well. Like she gets in her head a lot and has to be careful not to think so much about all those bad memories

Vignette: this one has major substance abuse themes which obviously represents a certain time in Kat’s life. But a line that gets me in this context is “….To pitch the greener grasses and hope that she would agree” in the song context this about him being scared to lose his wife to the greener grass, aka people not as broken. Kat has had so much guilt and fair over what her state does to Nat :(

The Craving (Jenna’s Version): is about his wife and honestly Kat could’ve written this. It’s about realising that he’s the ‘unstable’ one and the one who needs some extra support. “But I swear that I will give more than I take away” really gets me because we all know Kat has felt so guilty over how much support she’s needed.

Navigating: is basically about the never ending battle with mental health and trying to navigate that. “But when our fingers touch, I feel my way back home” is just very cute and could be about Nat bringing Kat back to reality when she has her panic attack moments.

Snap Back: is about relapse and being afraid to lose all the progress you’ve made with overcoming your demons. Representative of Kat having hard times and break downs but having to continue to fight and not lose her progress.

At The Risk Of Feeling Dumb: this is about having to check on your friends and make sure they’re okay but the chorus is from the perspective of the person with mental disorders. The whole chorus represents how Kat feels imo, just her not wanting people to drop anything for her and not wanting them to see her when she’s in a dark place.

This may be my longest ask yet tbh but you should expect this by now.

Also if anyone has album recommendations pls gimme🤲 not just u but anyone who reads this and wants to comment. I need more music👹

Omg I'm so impressed by your dedication 🤯 This is crazy. I listened to big parts of all the songs and although some of them aren't really my thing, l do see the connections you make to Kat.

I don't really have to explain it because you did so amazingly in your own explanation of the songs, but it just shows once again now complicated of a character Kat actually is. Her mental problems aren't just that: hers. They affect so many people in so many ways, and there's so much more to it than you'd think.

Leaving the past behind and starting over, being afraid to fall back, being scared your wife will leave you for someone better (and understanding completely), wanting to protect your loved ones but also needing them to survive.

She's so many parts in one, and that those songs portray a lot of them in one album is crazy

[yellowloid]

hello! I saw you made a post on the analysis of the ultracheese and honestly it was such an intriguing read! I read that that you believed golden trunks was an even more meaningful song when related to miles and alex and I would really really rEALLY love to hear what you have to say about golden trunks because honestly its one of my favorite songs

hello and thank you!!! always happy to hear people enjoy my song theories ❤️

golden trunks is one of my favourites too and i was d y i n g to analyse it. it's just such a unique song sound and lyric-wise, definitely in my top three in tbhc.

(as always, disclaimer: this is just a fan theory and everything i'm gonna say is 100% subjective. i'm not claiming it's the Real Meaning TM of the song bc 1) songs can have multiple meanings depending on the lens that is used to analyse them and 2) we'll never actually know what alex meant by writing it. we only know it's the closest thing to a love song in the album, featuring a conversation between him and someone he's falling for. nothing else is set in stone.)

but let's get to the actual analysis, shall we?

to me, this song is about miles. 100% about miles. the person he's talking to, and the person he's falling (or has already fallen) for is miles. there are theories going around on the internet saying it's about taylor or even louise, which are both??? kinda senseless theories??? first let's talk about taylor: why would he create that same sense of secrecy (that is present in songs such as the ultracheese) in this one, if it were a song about his (at the time) girlfriend? why would he add that 'we're friends but i'm falling for you' vibe (that we can find in diwk too) in a song about his current partner? why would he admit to fantasising about that person (keyword: admit, like it took him some time to come to terms with it) in a song about his so of literal years? tbh it doesn't make any sense to me.

and then louise... a bit more plausible since it would at least explain the secrecy if he was cheating, but then again, still doesn't really make sense. what's with the wrestling references. i don't think she's a wrestling fan, and if she is, she's never publicly shown she is. not that she needs to, ofc, but... you know. this theory usually comes from twitter fans who can't even bear the idea of it being about miles, because god forbid someone ever mentions the idea of alex and miles being a thing!!!! so really considering the source of this "theory" is twitter i wouldn't give it much more thought lmao

so now onto the lyrics...

"last night when my psyche's / subcommittee sang to me in its scary voice / you slowly dropped your eyelids / when true love takes a grip, it leaves you without a choice"

this is such an interesting and powerful opening verse to a song. it's so cryptic, and at the same time so blunt. he admits to being a victim of night-time overthinking, that moment when you keep tossing and turning in bed and sleep just won't come to you, dooming you to unwanted thoughts, realisations and fears coming together to haunt you through the night. he's scared of those voices in his head, whispering all those truths to him that he doesn't even want to consider; his mind is being flooded by snaps of the person he's maybe trying not to think too much about, but at the same time he knows it's a losing game: there's no choice to be made, no power held over the images that keep shooting through his mind. he also seems to realise something about the person in question: the possibility of them being his "true love" (or, similarly, him being this person's "true love", hence them admitting to fantasising about him). once again, this is extremely important because he rarely ever refers to love so directly in his songs, and i don't think it's a coincidence he does it here as well as in the ultracheese. having no choice could also refer to him finally coming to the realisation that - despite the fact that he's still so scared of the whole situation - he can't run away anymore. there's no choice, he has to acknowledge the facts because they're all there, hiding in plain sight. there's no way he can escape the truth, and that terrifies him. but he does acknowledge it, as he sings:

"and in response to what you whispered in my ear / i must admit, sometimes i fantasise about you too"

i can just so easily imagine him and miles sitting entirely too close to each other in some booth at a bar, the unspoken boundaries of friendship getting blurred as too much alcohol gets in the way, and miles leaning closer and closer to him just to whisper in his ear that he sometimes fantasises about him in ways friends shouldn't. or as they rehearse their songs right before/during the eycte tour, which always reminds me of this quote:

MK: I remember, one time Alex came up to me and said "I want to see how you spit, while singing "sick puppy" in Bad Habits. I called him a madman afterwards.

AT: Yeah...

MK: But he was right. No one else would say something like that to me, It was beautiful.

AT: You see, Kasia, I just tell Miles about my fantasies, and he tries to fulfill them, even when they are very kinky, like in that case.

(full interview here)

or even during concerts, since we all know how much they loved whispering god-knows-what to each other during song breaks, then proceeding to giggle and flirt with each other like they weren't being watched by an entire crowd sksldklsh. they seemed to be self-aware of this, as they also used to take the piss and play with interviewers when asked about it:

Interviewer: What sort of things do you say to eachother on stage?

Alex: Dark, twisted and very private things.

Miles: You'd think we were freaks if you knew some of the things we talk about on stage. We talk about weird things that don't really make sense to anyone else.

(i think this is from nme, i haven't been able to find the original interview but you can read something more here)

however, imo alex admitting to fantasising about the other person in this song makes his confession so heartbreaking. a while ago me and @jewellersstunts were talking about the fact that it's just so easy to imagine miles whispering something like that to him, maybe during a concert, and him being taken by surprise + generally bad at expressing his emotions through spoken words + him being insecure about their situationship and his identity and just... not saying anything in reply. maybe brushing it off as a joke, when in reality they both knew it wasn't. now, following the fandom theory of them still being friends but having some kind of falling out after the eycte era due to the unclear nature of their relationship - miles getting serious and alex chickening out -, let's fast forward to a couple of years after the tour. when things aren't the same anymore and alex is there, all alone by himself, dwelling on the past, on what once was and what could have been... and him finally finding the courage to give miles a reply through the veil of song, because that's the only way he could ever really be able to express his emotions in some kind of neat fashion (+ i think a similar development was also featured in one of WeirdChick333's fics which as we all know are the canon milex bible so there's that)

i also can't help but think of miles' own album when i think of this song. whereas golden trunks is filled with regret and it's like saying "i didn't give you a reply when you said it, but i'm saying it now. it probably doesn't change anything though, and i'll have to live with that for the rest of my life", coup de grace as an album (and may i say, ESPECIALLY wrong side of life which is my absolute favourite miles song ever) is like saying "yeah you didn't say anything then. you broke my heart and and you keep breaking it every single day, we fought so much and nothing is the same anymore, but i don't care because i want you and you want me, so can we please, please try again?". i think that's really telling of their personalities. tbhc as a whole has a very pessimistic vibe, even though it rarely ever addresses private matters that directly (with golden trunks and the ultracheese being the most direct songs, but still being incredibly cryptic and mysterious). cdg is sad and angry and heartbroken about a nasty breakup, but in general i'd say it still holds some kind of hope for that relationship to be salvageable.

but i'm digressing. let's keep going:

"the leader of the free world / reminds you of a wrestler wearing tight golden trunks / he's got himself a theme tune / they play it for him as he makes his way to the ring"

the reference to wrestling (and possibly to something that actually happened) could be a way for alex to make it clear, even to miles himself, that this song is about him. if it were indeed something that actually happened (them watching a wrestling match or the news, and miles pointing out trump's similarity with that wrestler), then when miles listened to the song - if he still had any doubts - it'd be irrevocably clear to him that alex was talking to him. it'd be some kind of secret code, an inside joke between them turned into a way for alex to make sure miles knew. (also lmao at the twitter fans going to great lengths to prove this verse is about taylor or louise when they've never expressed any interest in wrestling while miles has been a big fan for ages. @ amtwitter bffr)

now, i don't remember if he's referring to an actual wrestler that wore golden trunks as part of his costume and that reminded miles of trump, but the mention of wrestlers in general also reminds me of a very interesting addition by @reconciledviolence729 to my ultracheese analysis. she said:

"For some reason I got fixated on the line: “And dress like a fictional character / From a place they called America / In the golden age.” I can’t help but think how Miles dressed as Ric Flair, who was a significant persona during the “golden era” of American professional wrestling (which is often considered at least somewhat faked aka fictional)."

going back to golden trunks, this verse also introduces some kind of indirect commentary on politics, which is present in other songs from the album and which continues in the next lines:

"in the daytime / bendable figures with a fresh new pack of lies / summat else to publicise / i'm sure you've heard about enough"

(quick aside: "bendable figures" could also be interpreted as a very suggestive image. not gonna elaborate any further on that)

in this reddit theory it is suggested that this mirrors the "breaking news, they take the truth and make it and fluid" verse from american sports, and i think that's a very interesting parallel. however, this part also introduces a contrast to the opening line (last night / in the daytime) which hits us with a sinister dilemma. we like to think that the (often pessimistic) conclusions about our life that we come to at night aren't to be trusted. nighttime does that, it tends to fuck with our rationality by making everything seem scarier, more threatening and disheartening than it usually is. our minds tend to lie to us at night. but here he says that the "fresh new pack of lies" comes during daytime. so what's more trustworthy, night or day? the scary, truthful voices of night or the blatant lies of day? he doesn't give any clear answer to this question. he just leaves us with the doubt, instead bringing the song to a close with newly-found courage:

"so in response to what you whispered in my ear / i'll be upfront, sometimes i fantasise about you too"

the difference with the previous "i fantasise about you too" line is obviously the use of "i'll be upfront" instead of "i must admit" - which is such a slight change, but it's still so important. the use of 'must' and 'admit' imply a certain degree of forceful admission. he finds he can't hide it anymore, and has to at least take notice of it in some way. he doesn't necessarily want to admit it, because he wishes he could still keep that confession to himself. on the other hand, saying "i'll be upfront" is so powerful on his part. he not only acknowledges the feeling, but he takes a big breath and finally comes forward, announcing it without any second thoughts. he finally finds the right way to actually reply, even if it took him so long to do it. and yes, maybe it won't change anything, but this song is a way for him to send out a message, and the fact that he managed to write it and include it in the album (despite never being able to play it live - which makes it even more sus) is a testament to how much of his heart he put into it, how much deep emotion and reflection and courage it took him to be able to compose it and sing it. and that's exactly what makes it so incredibly special.

[aromanticgarbage]

Hi!!! What do you honestly like about our boy Joji? What got you into him? Favorite song? Favorite quote from him?? Cool blog BTW. ❤️

Hiiiii <33333

Putting this under a read more because it got long af.

God i think part of the reason why im so obsessed with him is the duality of his character and artistic expression. He used to describe himself as conflicted a lot, especially in his earlier interviews and that pretty much hits the nail in the head i think. I love both his music and filthy frank a lot but I wouldn't be so fascinated with the person behind either of these things if they weren't made by the same guy. I just think he is a fascinating character.

What got me into him? I'm honestly pretty late to the party, i stumbled upon slow dancing in the dark on some random playlist at some point mid 2023. Slow dancing in the dark got famous for a reason: its so fucking good, i was playing it on a loop for weeks. Later i stumbled upon pretty boy, once again by pure chance. I was playing it on loop for a looong time as well. I hadn't even noticed that both of these songs were by the same artist at the time.

Fast forward a few months later, someone i follow here on tumblr dot com rebloged a post that expressed ops utter bafflement that filthy frank had turned his career around so dramatically and that he was a "sadboy musician now". The term slursona was thrown around. The ballads 1 album cover was included in the post and i recognised it imediatelly but i also recognised the name filthy frank.

You see, back in the day my older sister was a huge fan. She was really into this era of youtube bless her heart but ff was one of her faves. She had showed me human ramen AND hair cake back then but i was pretty young and I didn't really speak english well enough to fully understand what was going on. Nonetheless, i was morbidly fascinated but i never got into ff myself. Still i knew who he was.

Finding out that i was listening to his music a DECADE later from a random tumblr post gave me the whiplash of my fucking life. I genuinely got so scared i went and removed sditd from my character playlists and spotify liked songs lol. I let that revelation shimmer within me for a few months until one day i finally decided that i should do some research on the matter. I think i watched the slow dancing in the dark mv first and it completely blew me away. Then i watched the weeaboos video and it made me cry from laughter.

Somehow i ended up listening to his entire discography and watching Every Single filthy frank video ever made. At some point i discovered the notorious filthy frank exposes himself video and that once again blew my mind. I realised that he was the one who accidentally started the harlem shake trend back in 2013. Blew my mind. I listened to pink season ans i realised that the help song ive been seeing around since forever was a pink guy song. Blew my mind. I went home for the holidays and i talked to my other sister about my newfound obsession. Turns out she knew him from glimpses of us. Blew her mind too. Talked to my brother, he knew him from glimpses of us as well. We were all screaming about it for a few days.

This whole phase of mine started at some point in March and its only been getting worse. I don't know how we got here but im not complaining.

If i had to choose a favourite song.... sanctuary is my most listened to song of the year so far, so i probably have to go with that but also sditd, you suck Charlie, like you do, pretty boy, yukon, Mr Hollywood, no fun, demons, see you in 40, nightrider, modus (just to name a few)..... they all hold a very special place in my heart... I just love pretty much most of his songs a whole lot.

As for favourite quote im afraid I don't have a super serious answer to this question fjdksdks. "I just wanna make people sad and horny" is a strong one but also "sorry for being An Fag" and "fucking everyone smokes weed in central park...." fascinate me to no end.

Thank you so much for your questions !! <33 its always nice to have an excuse to ramble tehe.

[fanaticsnail]

Just read "run away with me"

Snail you can't keep getting away with this!!!!!! There were Jane Austen/Bridgeton vibes but in the best way, they didn't conflict with the typical comedic and upbeat vibes of One Piece at all it just Worked. The wistfulness of wanting to live and be loved and I seriously appreciate how you respected it as a dream? Bc they weren't centreing their dream and life around another it was about what they wanted. The way Luffy had so much respect for that dream as well was so touching, it reminded me of Meg from Greta Gerwigs Little Women. How Greta had said that Meg was almost ashamed of wanted to find love & a family, but she knows her dream and has enough courage to fight for it

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSN5gUm6R/

^it made me think of this edit I saw once and had to SCROLL to find again

(also, I love how everyone was like "she's hot" - thanks, I know 🤭)

Song-wise, I thought immediately of "arms unfolding" by Dodie (hEARTBREAKING) - it's a song not about from the singers perspective but about two people who fell out of a relationship and decided to give it another go, but it could also work for someone hurt by love once and trying again. Similarly, "Ready Now" by Dodie as well has the same vibes of learning to trust and open up again, not necessarily to love but to accept that people can be kind

It also made me think of my fave artist for the last two years Leanna Firestone. Now I could talk about her songs for ages BC there is a multiverse within them, she will have lyrics that reference previous songs and I can and have written notes and paragraphs recording the references. Specifically, it made me think of "Reincarnation" and "Love of my Life" (and you should listen in that order if you do) which is about how she had a situationship who didn't work out ("you just didn't like me that much"). She put so much into it that she was scared she'd lost the love of her life and that she'd be nothing without it ("Phantom Pain / the rapture" < one of my fave songs) only to realise that love works through reincarnation so she has a new love of her life.

So, because I now have brain rot, here are some of her songs and who they remind me of:

"Google Translate" (context wise, Not Good. This was the bad situationship. However, it is very cute) - Sanji!! From Sanjis perspective. The singer learnt french in highschool so the love interest will translate things to tell her, including "Je pense que Lea est tre Jolie" (you are pretty), and she knows that the L/I doesn't fall as easily as she does (sound familiar?) So she will tell him 'i love you' in every other language instead so she doesn't jinx it

"Gambling Addiction" Sanji! Singer has a gambling addiction and keeps betting everything on relationships and people, but keeping up hope.

"Smitten / Vulnerable" (her album has two songs back to back in one song, bc some of them are short) Sanji again! "You smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen, then you apologised and you covered your mouth because you're insecure about your crooked teeth, but, can I just say this; I'm kinda glad that you never got braces, because I like your smile just the way it is". He deserves to be loved just as fiercely as he loves!! Vulnerable is about being vulnerable but knowing that he likes that about you because it means you feel safe to open up.

"God and the Government" Sanji once again, OR Luffy. Saying you didn't think you'd ever want to get married but you would for this one person. "I'd paint the picket fence white, put it up myself, say 'i can do it alone' you'll tell me you know but you'll still help, and that's exactly why you'll make the perfect husband"

"Strawberry Mentos" Luffy Luffy Luffy LUFFY!!!! This is so Luffy. The love interest keeps eating her favourite candy (strawberry Mentos) so she'll taste it when they kiss, and L/I is so sweet she's going to get cavities but it will be worth it. So she buys and eats black licorice even though she hates it just to see him smile at the taste. And the description is so Luffy "you're deliberately kind, you make efforts to share your time, you're not afraid of your feelings and you're not afraid of mine, I never knew love could be soft, I never knew love could be light, and now I'm so helplessly sugarhigh on you"

"(redacted)" Sanji or Nami. The song is actually about a girl, she likes the singer and the singer is pretty sure she likes her back but doesn't want to give her hope and use her as an experiment, very sad. (The singer did turn out to be bi and wrote a short song about it, but didn't release it)

"TN / I always knew" (but just focusing on TN, not the other one). Anyone, but kinda Usopp vibes. Long distance love song about wanting to meet up and show someone the places you grew up and the previous versions of yourself. And even if they end before the visit, she still wants them to go there because she knows they'll like it

"Suneater" anyone (particularly Luffy tho). It's actually a song about Tamaki Amajiki from Boku no hero academia. The singer was a fan and wrote a song about one of the characters. She compares the love interest to being so bright they swallowed the sun, but she only swallowed the moon and reflects his light. Lots of metaphors about seeing stars and constellations, and comparing them to constellations, being eclipsed, heaven and earth colliding when they met, being the moon to someone's sun. "I will keep the tides in tune if you will make the flowers bloom, and gravity will do the rest and pull me back to you, just like Hades and Persephone, the boy who ate the sun and me, you have brought sunshine to the dark side of the moon"

"Right Person, Right time" any! As opposed to the song "You just didn't like me that much" where they weren't the right person at the wrong time they just didn't like her that much. This time, it's the right person so it's the right time. Very sweet

And if you're in the mood for angst, I would suggest

"Do you wanna be friends?" / Newly unrequited (yes that's the whole name, including the ""). Song about being in a situationship and then getting asked to be friends, and deciding to do it despite the pain bc you want to have them any way you can. Followed by a song apologising for breaking your promise to be friends because it hurts too much

Or "Burnt out" (breakup song, very painful, you just have to listen to get it)

Sorry for the long ask, but I really love the artist so I got some serious brain rot (other than these love songs I'd suggest anything from the 'Good Grief' EP, which is less love focused and quite sad except for 'Foreverever' which is much more upbeat and about being a teenage girl forever because 'her pain is my pain I'll carry her with me', or "Alone Forever Probably", or "Least Favourite only Child")

HELLO YOU! I have never seen Little Women, but after that edit: I know I'm going to absolutely adore it. I love Bridgerton - I didn't think I would, but now I'm a hopeless romantic and I can't not watch it. The soundtrack for the whole series speaks to my soul.

Balancing occupations in the One-Piece world and centralizing romance is a tricky feat, especially because I wanted to lay out all of my angst at the Happy-Go-Lucky Captain.

The Luffy Fic with the Dodie Suggestions: arms unfolding and ready now absolutely fit. I adore her tone, very beautiful, romantic and whimsical: "She" could also fit that fic, from Luffy's perspective.

Now, I'm going to link the Leanna Firestone songs here for future reference:

Reincarnation

Love of my Life

Phantom Pain / the rapture

Now then, onto your song suggestions for future fics. I adore listening to new music and sharing melodies to aid in writing.

You are putting me to WORK today, @sexc-snail!

Sanji:

Google Translate

Gambling Addiction

Smitten / Vulnerable

God and the Government

(Redacted)

Luffy:

strawberry mentos

right person right time

MHA: suneater

Usopp:

TN / I always knew

Misc Break-up:

Do you wanna be friends

Burn Out

Good Grief

Foreverever

Alone Forever Probably

Least Favourite Only Child

I love her indie-tone and the almost spoken-word mixing peacefully with the melody. She does pain and angst exceptionally well. The way she uses her tone to dance along rhythmically brings me way back to the high school days in band and orchestra studies: I cherish being drawn back there, truly.

I can't wait to get to writing more! I'm glad you enjoyed the Luffy fic, I wasn't sure how to go about writing for him, but I'm very happy with the way it turned out in the end.

Masterlist here, just in case!

[blueberry-beanie]

Dota at Steintor-Varieté, Halle a.d. Saale | 20th September 2023 | photos by me

Read about a wonderfully chaotic concert with Dota and her band below. I've divided the text into sections so you can skip right to the main part.

Reunion with an old friend

Often when I go to concerts, I'm going on my own. This time, I went with someone special: An old school friend of mine, Christina, whom I haven't seen for seven years. We stayed in contact just a little bit and a few months ago realised that now we don't live as far away from each other anymore. So I asked her if she wanted to come to the Dota concert with me and she agreed.

So shortly after 3pm after a bit of an odyssey with Deutsche Bahn, I arrived at the train station in Halle. I immediately recognised her on the platform, we hugged and were overall overjoyed to see each other again. It was as if we had never parted and we instantly found many topics to discuss while taking the tram back to her place. We stopped by a supermarket to get some food for the evening and breakfast.

Christina's apartment block is a construction site at the moment because they are modernising the entire building. But her flat was small and homely and we dropped off our stuff there before taking the tram back to a restaurant that served tasty bowls and home-made lemonades.

We talked so much about our studies (she studies something like sociology and political science and will be working on her master thesis next year), our common friends, concerts and festivals and many political topics that are important at the moment. It's very refreshing to talk to someone so knowledgeable and engaged in politics and general developments in Germany. We discovered that we both like satire shows (she has even been in the heute show audience once!) and Christina immediately wanted to come to Munich with me to see Die Anstalt (sadly, tickets are sold out). Funnily, I know Dota from Die Anstalt, because she performed her song Grenzen there back in 2018! So everything fits together, afterall.

Then it was already almost 6pm and time to head over to the Steintor-Varieté where the concert would take place. There were only three elderly people already at the doors so we decided to go on a walk around the block. The location was directly next to Christina's university campus with the library, café and some offices just on the other side of the building. So we already saw them setting up the merch stand from the window on the back. We walked around some more before they opened the doors around 7pm. As we were one of the first people, we got the best seats in the front row, right in the middle. Now it was time to wait and chat a bit more until the concert would start.

A tribute to Mascha Kaléko

There was actually no support act - at around 8pm Dota and her band appeared on stage. They started out with some very quiet and contemplative songs. The tour is dedicated to their album with musical interpretations of Mascha Kaléko's poetry. Mascha Kaléko was a German-Jewish poet born in 1907. In September 1938 Kaléko emigrated to New York City together with her second husband, Chemjo Vinaver. Her poetry is witty and very precise, describing daily life of ordinary people as well as offering a look on society during that time. Dota has been given a book of her poetry many years ago after a concert and started making the texts into music.

In between songs she often stopped to explain the background of a certain piece or recite another poem. It was at times funny and amusing (like one poem about the role of the women as an artist's muse) and sometimes very moving to hear about personal events in her life as well as feeling at home nowhere and being the outsider wherever she went.

A chaotic-good concert

The band had a difficult time that evening because one member got sick unexpectedly and they had to find other ways of dealing with this. The woman who played the thrombone also sang lovely backing vocals. At one point their drummer Janis Görlich came to the front to sing a duet with Dota as well. They were however unlucky because if the general improvisation wasn't enough, Jan Rohrbach's guitar string broke. They had no roadies and no spare so he went to change it. Dota decided to play a few songs by herself to keep us entertained.

Later Dota realised that we haven't been told there will be a break and sent us off for a few minutes. After the break they continued with a few more songs with poetry before switching over to their own songs. Dota was once again on her own and presented a few unreleased gems she has written for the next album. One was especially funny: A song about seeing all sorts of viral content on tik tok and trying to create some herself while secretly thinking all of this isn't as funny and cool as it is said to be. The whole audience was laughing about this and the mood really improved after a rather serious and quiet first part of the concert.

Then they played a few older songs, including Sommer für Sommer and Wir rufen dich Galaktika, a song from their previous album about wanting a superhuman being to rescue us from the mess we've made as humanity. At that point everyone stood up and started dancing and singing. We got an encore with Bademeister*in - a very witty song that praises the job of swimming pool attendants, both male and female. Then another song, Für die Sterne, about a guy who refuses to conform to other's expectations and lives freely for the sake of experiencing and enjoying life. Because the audience was really enthusiastic they even came out for a second encore, playing another very funny song, Rennrad.

After their very final bow, the older guy next to us, whom we already met in front of the door earlier, already wanted to take the setlist. This one time in my life I was faster and got to it first. Yay! My first setlist I got from a main act. I am not even sure how true this setlist is, given the many improvised passages that evening. It even has something crossed out and written further down. And it has a back side too! We let the other guy take photos of the setlist and then slowly went to the entrance hall where the merch stand was.

At the merch stand

There were really many people at the merch stand wanting to buy vinyls, t-shirts, posters and tote bags. To my delight they also had CDs so I decided to buy the previous album which I didn't have yet. Then I saw they had a few markers lying around - and sure enough, shortly after Dota appeared to help selling and signing things. When it was my turn I said "Hi! I got your setlist! Would you sign it for me?" She agreed and signed it with the date, and I managed to thank her for the great concert and reassure her it was a good kind of chaos that was a lot of fun.

There were a few elderly women who were quite impertinent and shoved others aside to be first. I stood there quite patiently to pay for the album when one of them grabbed the CD for herself and also wanted to have it signed but couldn't open it. I helped her to open the packaging when she decided that this was the wrong album afterall. Dota asked if someone else wanted it and I said, yes me, please! Then I proceeded to help that woman with a second CD and she got it signed for a friend of hers before it was my turn for signing again. So now I have a personally signed album as well. I thanked Dota again and got myself out of that crowd. Christina did not want to get anything and waited for me where it was a bit less crowded.

Evening conversations and a sunny morning

Christina and I wandered to the market to take the next tram. We talked about the concert and agreed that it was a great experience for both of us with many moving and funny moments. Our conversations kept wandering to topics of media, journalism and politics the whole evening. Curiously both of our studies overlap in quite a few aspects and we really click with our views and interests. As we arrived at home we drank tea and had some snacks. It got really late, around 2am, as we had conversations about anything and everything. Sadly the construction workers didn't let us sleep in peace as they started drilling the walls at 7 in the morning.

After a relaxed breakfast Christina had to get ready for a conference and we took the tram back into the city. We parted with many hugs and promises to see each other soon, maybe in November when I have the whole flat for myself or for a comedy show. It was a sunny morning at the market place, and I decided to wander around a bit before going home. They have a huge book shop I got stuck at for quite a bit and a big organic grocery shop. I also wandered through the small but lovely park. Then my backback got heavy and the sun was too strong. Around 28 degrees in September without a cloud in the sky - thank you, climate change, I guess. I was very tired, actually, and fought not to fall asleep in the hot, crowded train. It felt good to be at home again - and there were some photos to edit and some new songs to listen to as well...

Dear Dota and dear Christina, thank you for the wonderful adventures in Halle. Hopefully we get to repeat this experience again soon!

[its-stayville-forever]

To, @astraystayyh

Forgive me for I am late by a day or two but here I am.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm sighing because I genuinely can't find my voice or my vocabulary to write about this. This. This boiling pot overflowing with deep hurt, melancholy, sadness, comfort in the unexpected, happiness and what not. You've done exceptionally well once again my love, once again the emotions you have embodied in the form of words have seeped into every pore of my being and it begs the question, what have you done to me. What has this turbulent mass of words done to me? This fic, the hurt, the grief, it would be right to say that I hit all blows, one two and three. And I haven't recovered yet.

All your injuries stem from within, - blood doesn't have to be spilled for your heart to weep.

But what if this made my heart bleed? I'm not even barely a few paragraphs in yet and I'm clutching my hand over my heart because it's too much. Already.

I love the way you presented the sobs, blow one two and three. The third kept away from releasing itself throughout. First because it was only for when the pain was immense but in the end, because it wasn't needed. None of those sobs were presented when Hyunjin was by her side... Do you have any idea how beautiful that is? How amazing it is that because of a single person, one forgets how to cry and grieve? I want to kiss you sahar, kiss those blessed finger tips of yours.

Metaphors SAHAR metaphors... I have a deep longing for metaphors to be added in stories and books and YOU. You do it oh so well. Lies melting, fortresses in one's soul, a heart bleeding, voice shattered like broken mosaics, leaving one's body, bones, soul and heart at the mercy of another and so much more that I would love to point out all day. How are you made like this? How do you function like this? How deep does your heart go sahar?

If Hyunjin ever read the way you interpreted the song 'Long for You' the way you have in this fic, he would be rendered speechless. Utterly speechless. For it hadn't clicked for me when he sketched out a body holding itself. It struck me like lightning I tell you, when I realised that the sketch was the cover of the album, that the song itself was for her. The longing for wanting to be the caterpillar before the butterfly, the longing to merge into its cocoon once again. But why so when you could find new things to love as a butterfly? I can't express or tell you how much metaphorical and heart wrenching and GOD Sahar control yourself please not everyone can read through this without wailing in pain.

Enough about the grief.

The joy portrayed in this fic develops slowly. From baking brownies, speeding away happily from an angered man, a campfire in the woods to making her love snow again, throwing in a punch (well deserved) for her ex, painting a bouquet so it never withers away, writing her a song, a drunk yet heart wrenching confession, letting her heal, kissing her under the light of the fridge, between paintings, while picking flowers and in all the winters to come.

I am sobbing. Sobbing.

Those sculpted fingers of yours and that insanely articulate brain deserves more. For you have given justice to the beautiful day that is Hyunjin's birthday with this fic. This fic that railed me over with it's metaphors, this fic that has no right to express joy and extreme grief in the perfect words, this fic that is yearning and heart wrenching and yet so beautiful I question as to why it's here and not printed and on my walls.

I wish I could specify my feelings more Sahar, tell you how perfect of an author you are and how you've excelled in your art yet again. A maestro of her talent, I love you so much.

-your greatest fan

(once again I'm sorry this took so long lol, but art has to be look into in detail, so you can't blame me 😞‼️)

The snow falls, we fall apart.

summary: when heartbreak looms on your life, and winter becomes a time you loathe, hyunjin helps you rewrite your memories with the season, and with it, everything you once believed about love.

genre: producer student!hyunjin x reader. roommates!au. friends to lovers. acute descriptions of heartbreak and general sadness. slow burn. hurt/comfort. healing and hopeless romantic hyune. very inspired by long for you so lots of pining and yearning. (wc: 13k)

warnings: mentions of alcohol. it is implied that reader was in an a very toxic relationship but no details are shared.

a.n: happy birthday to my hyunjin, my muse, my light. thank you for being so full of love that it made me love love again in return. this is i think my most personal piece, and i hope it reminds those who need it that love should be soft and kind, that it shouldn’t hurt, that it should heal not break. i love you guys and i love you my xi, writing this collab with you has been a true honor <3 also!! please listen to long for you while reading :,)

winter falls masterlist.

You’ve only ever felt utter despair twice in your life.

First, when you were seven years old, playing hide and seek with your cousins at your grandma’s house. It was a warm summer afternoon, the air sweetened by pastries you devoured hours ago. You decided to hide in a wooden cabinet up in the attic, only to end up stuck there. The walls felt like they were closing in on you, the oxygen seeping away from the cracks underneath the door, leaving you deprived of air, of life.

Second, at twelve, when you've come to discover sorrow's new facet, clad in grief's heavy cloak. Your parents adopted a hamster for your birthday, but they did not know he had a terminal disease. You were distraught, to say the least, when you awoke to its still form, death claiming a frail heart unaware of its imminent fate.

And now, third, many many moons later, you are knocking on Hyunjin’s door a few minutes after midnight. It is cold out, tears tracing rivulets on your cheeks, your fingers tinted pink from roaming outside in the harsh winds, your heart much heavier than when you were a child. More grief-stricken, at your own hands, this time.

A disheveled Hyunjin opens the door, his blonde ash hair tousled and sticking upwards, a clear indication of the many times he had run his hands through it in fits of frustration. His gray hoodie zipped up hastily, revealing the silver cross necklace he was wearing, nestling perfectly against his honeyed skin.

You've always had an aversion to seeking comfort, saw it as revealing your deepest vulnerabilities to a world that isn't always kind. It was easier, much simpler to do so when you were a clueless child— when you sank in your cousin Lia's hold as she attempted to steady your breathing, when your mother cradled you in her lap after Pinky died.

It is much harder now, much more embarrassing because Hyunjin has never seen you this sad, never glimpsed your shadows that now swarm his doorstep, unannounced.

“What's wrong?” he quickly asks, eyes darting over your figure in a rapid search for visible wounds. He wouldn’t find any. All your injuries stem from within— blood doesn’t have to be spilled for your heart to weep.

You had rehearsed a lie as you walked up to his doorstep. You would say that your car broke down near his place and ask if you could stay over for the night. He would insist he could drive you to your place and you’d refuse, saying that it was too late and you did not wish to bother him. You’d sleep on the couch and slip away in the early hours of the morning.

Yet, it is the genuine worry etched in his eyes that dismantles the fortress you've hidden in, melts the lie in your throat, morphing it into a steel lump coiling in your throat. He looks concerned when all you’ve had directed towards you recently was anger. And you missed someone looking at you in care, not reproach.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” You admit, your voice shattered, fragments of your vocal cords scattered out in the wind like a broken mosaic, the sound of it scraping against your ears.

Blow one hurt. It felt like your body turned against you as it deprived you of oxygen. The sobs that escaped you once you perceived the light pained you, perhaps more than being confined in the darkness.

Blow two was even worse, it was your first time experiencing grief. It was too hard of a concept for your innocent heart to grasp, too complicated for you to find solace in anything as adults do.

You promised yourself that you’d reserve blow three for monumental agonies— big pains and big sorrows only. That’s how you managed to keep all your tears at bay for most of your life. Would they be worth losing your third sob for? No, you've always found the answer to be.

And in all the twisted scenarios you’ve conjured up in your mind, deaths and illnesses and the haunting tale of failure, you did not imagine that it would happen on Hwang Hyunjin’s doorstep. That you’d burst into sobs at the compassionate look in his gaze, and the sad smile he sent your way. As if he knew, as everyone did around you. That you had handed a knife to a serial killer and it was only a matter of time before he stabbed you in the heart.

Two weeks ago.

“I’m trying to understand you but you aren’t helping me,” Seungmin is frustrated as he paces relentlessly before you from left to right like a swinging pendulum. You sit on the couch, beholding only his shoes, avoiding his gaze that would reflect the truth you dare not confront.

“He’s sucking the life out of you, can’t you see that?”

You can, out of everyone that surrounds you, you can see it the most. You feel as if you are carrying a skin that isn’t your own, weighed down by a relationship that has taken everything from you. But admitting it is admitting that you were wrong, in trusting him, in loving him. You couldn’t bear it.

“We are fine!” you shout back, the defiance in your voice surprises even you. This is a familiar script with Seungmin, a recurring conversation spurred by your puffy eyes and diminishing appetite. He tells you, begs you to leave, but where could you go? How could you leave a home where you've shed all your treasured belongings at the door— your skin, your bones, your very self.

What place would welcome you now that you're stripped bare of your soul?

“When was the last time he made you smile, huh? All he does is hurt you, and you...” he chuckles incredulously, running his hand through his hair. “You are letting him.”

Deny, deny, deny.

“This isn’t true. He loves me,” the words taste foreign in your mouth like rusty metal dragging across your lips. A small voice whispers that love shouldn't feel like this, but you quiet it down.

“Are you hearing yourself? Yn, I…” he kneels before you, his hands resting comfortingly on your knees. This is Seungmin, your best friend of five years. You know he has your best interests at heart, you are even more sure of it when his voice softens, shakes slightly when he utters your name. “Yn, please. I’m trying to help you. Please.”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” you push away his hands, standing up. “I don’t want your help, and I don’t need it.”

You quickly leave Seungmin’s dorm, your heart heavier than when you entered it, foolishly hoping that he'd ignore your distressed state after yet another fight with your boyfriend. But Seungmin doesn't understand, no one around you does— you’ve gambled your heart, and you cannot stop drawing the cards, even in the face of losing strikes.

❁ ❁ ❁

Hyunjin offers you a cup of tea with a gentle smile and you grab the steaming drink from his hands. The smell of chamomile wraps around your senses, and your brain fizzles out for a second before the soothing aroma. But it is a fleeting respite, the tempest of your thoughts crashes back onto you with an unsettling force, causing you to almost drop the drink as your hands shake. You place it down the table without taking a sip.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced,” you apologize, wincing at the intrusion, “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“I always sleep late. Don’t worry about it,” he smiles, but you know it isn’t a genuine grin, because his eyes betray an unsubdued concern, refusing to morph into their usual moon crescents.

You’ve always thought that Hyunjin wears his emotions openly— when he laughed, he did so loudly, his boisterous giggles traveling around Seungmin’s dorm. When he hurt himself, everyone in the vicinity would know so from his loud yelps. And when something worried him, he would bite his lip, toying with the plush flesh to ease his nerves.

As he is doing now. Looking at you.

“We broke up,” you quickly say, and your words hang over you like a gloomy cloud. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you want me to fight him? I’ll bring changbin too,” he suggests a serious tone underlying his playful offer, and it manages to tear a reluctant giggle out of you.

“Changbin doesn’t know me well enough to fight for me,” you counteract and he shakes his head. “He’ll fight for me, I'm his princess.”

“Are you now?” The giggle escapes your mouth less forcefully, and the smile that graces Hyunjin’s face is a genuine one.

“I am. My proposal stands,” he extends his hand and you wrap your fingers around his palm. “Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind,” you smile but he frowns, flipping your hand around in his hold.

“You are freezing,” he whispers, using his other palm to rub warmth into yours.

“It’s fine,” you lie, slipping your hand out of his grasp, not feeling deserving of his kindness.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin stands, walking into what you assume is his bedroom. You only know of his place because you dropped off Seungmin here some time ago. You are too exhausted to even drink in the interior.

“Here,” he returns, handing you a navy hoodie of his and black joggers. “This will keep you warm at night.”

“Thank you,” you whisper, hesitating for a few seconds before speaking again. “Can you please not tell Seungmin, I... I can't face him right now.”

“Of course. I’ll be awake still if you do need something.”

Hyunjin’s clothing is warm, although peeling away your own garments felt like shedding layers of your skin, as if the fabric melted into your very flesh, just like memories from the day did. You have never felt this worthless before, discarded like a forgotten leaf on the roadside, one he stepped on for his own enjoyment, leaving you crushed in his wake, unable to fly away again.

Hyunjin’s rose perfume wraps around you, and you find relief in sleeping somewhere where your, his, scent was no longer around. You foolishly hope that if you close your eyes hard enough, you’ll manage to convince yourself that you’re someone else, tonight. Someone who isn’t tethered to the heartache, someone who can slip away from the clutches of a love that hurts more than hate could ever manage to do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Heartbreak isn’t beautiful, no matter how eloquently you try to dress it in the syllables of poetry, no words can soften the burn in your lungs, the searing ache that courses through your very core, reminding you that deep within, down to the fundamentals of your being and the most basic alchemy that ties your atoms together— you are unlovable. Whether you cut your hair or allow it to grow, change your heart, or leave it as it has always been, you will remain so.

You don’t remember much of the past week, blurry fragments here and there that float in your mind like a distorted water reflection. There is little room for memories when you are busy trying to remember how to breathe— one inhale in, one exhale out. The simple concept seems harder when there are unkind hands permanently lodged into your heart, squeezing it tight.

What you do remember is telling Seungmin through text the next day, because you couldn’t bear the way his eyes would soften if you spoke to him in person. No signs of surprise cast on his figure, because he knew that it was long coming, a train with one final inevitable destination— you in shambles, him okay.

You remember Seungmin cradling you in his arms when he came to see you, and you trying desperately to keep the tears at bay— too focused on pinching your arm to let Seungmin’s warmth radiate through your being, Hyunjin lingering uncomfortably by the entrance of his living room.

You remember begging Seungmin to grab your belongings from the apartment you shared with your ex because you were unable to face him, him, and everything that your old place spelled out for you. Stand in the ruins of what you once thought would be your permanent home.

And now, you watch as Seungmin and Hyunjin bring suitcases full of your stuff into the latter’s place. And you feel like an outsider in your own body, standing at the corner of the room gazing at utter destruction, unable to stop it, unable to mend it. Seungmin quickly reassures you that you could crash in his and Minho’s place until you find a new one to live in, already taking out his laptop to search for new apartments for you.

But you did not care for it, your eyes zeroed in on the satin shirt peeking out of your suitcase. The one he bought you on your first month anniversary. Back when love felt like a gentle feather running down your spine, and not a dull knife slicing away at your skin.

“This place's expensive too,” Seungmin sighs, rubbing his temple warily. Your logical best friend could not fix your heartbreak but he took it to heart to alleviate your other troubles. You would thank him for it, later, when your tongue finds enough will to move.

“What if you move in with me?” Hyunjin suddenly says and his words filtrate through the fog in your mind easily, as if he rehearsed them enough times so they’d roll out smoothly out of his mouth. “I mean, Felix is away for the next year since he went back to Australia. And I was looking for a new roommate anyway.” He shrugs and Seungmin turns to look at you, his eyes convey the question his mouth doesn’t articulate— is it okay with you?

“I don’t…” your voice is croaked, so you clear your throat. “I don’t want you to do things out of pity.”

“I’m not. If I was, I would've told you to move in with me for free. I still need you to pay rent,” he raises his eyebrows, a playful tease and you smile in relief, nodding, “Okay, I will. thank you.”

Heartbreak is ugly and all-encompassing, weaving through the roots of your heart and infecting each organ with its insidious touch. It renders you immobile, incapable of performing the simplest tasks, burdened by a weight unseen by the world. But you try your best, your very best to contain it.

You smile at the cashier as she hands back your money only to wonder if her soft, well-manicured hands would too crush a soul without remorse. You go to all your classes without fail but your mind is elsewhere, contemplating why the sun filtering through the windows no longer warms your skin. Can nerve endings perish when subjected to too much pain? What's left of life when you can no longer feel the caress of the sun?

You watch a movie at Seungmin's dorm but your mind is elsewhere, fleeting to this morning and how you refused to stay in the shower for more than three minutes because your thoughts might become haunting ghosts tempting you to follow them. You brush your hair and spray your perfume, only because you have to, because you live with Hyunjin and you wouldn’t want your sadness to taint him too. You wonder how long you’ll have to bear it. You wonder if it’ll ever leave you or if the veins in your heart have molded themselves after the pain and they wouldn’t know how to accept happiness anymore.

You greet Hyunjin as he walks past you, shaking your head when he asks you if you want to eat dinner with him, quickly retracting back into your room. You have ten unread messages and a pile of growing laundry you need to do, but all you can muster is to gaze at the empty walls, mirroring the void within you. Your mom told you to call her again and you don’t know how you’ll speak to her without bursting into a sob, how you’ll tell her that all it took was one person to break you. Or maybe it was two people, your hands and his tearing apart your flesh and bones. Maybe that’s the worst part about it. So you don’t call her.

And you only ever emerge from your room when you need to, just like now because your water bottle is finished and you need to refill it. You go to open the kitchen door when you hear Hyunjin’s muted shatter, Felix’s distinctive deep voice coming out of the phone speaker.

“Next you add the melted butter and stir it,” Felix instructs, the sounds of pots and utensils clinking in the background. You fidget slightly, mustering the strength to paint a fake smile on your lips.

“What next?”

“Sift the dry ingredients then add them to your wet mixture,” Felix explains, met with a few seconds of silence. You can almost visualize Hyunjin's perplexed expression, blinking rapidly in confusion.

“Explain it to me like I’m five years old,” he requests, prompting a small smile to etch itself onto your face.

“How are you surviving without me?”

“I’m not please come home,” Hyunjin sounds horrified as Felix’s rich chuckles fill the air. “Why do you suddenly want to make brownies anyway?” he then asks.

You go to open the door when Hyunjin’s response catches you off guard.

“They’re for Yn.”

Hyunjin's words resonate in the air, causing a hitch in your throat and Felix’s teasing whistles simultaneously, but Hyunjin is quick to stop him. “No, no, no, it’s not like that. They’re just a bit down and I remember them loving your brownies. So…”

It takes you a fleeting moment to dig the memory out of your mind, a year ago, right before your ex came to pick you up from Seungmin’s dorm. You had a bite of Felix’s brownies, a surprised gasp escaping your lips at its delicious taste, back when food had taste and happiness came easily to you. It was an insignificant memory, you did not imagine Hyunjin, out of everyone, would remember it.

But he did, and he’s now pacing before your closed door, contemplating how he’ll convince you to finally eat something with him. He throws a thumbs-up in the air for no one but himself, inhaling deeply before knocking on your door.

“Hey,” he greets with a hopeful smile, his gaze meeting your tired form. He hesitates for a second, clearing his throat. “Brownies?” You remain unmoving and he falters, “Hm? Please?”

“Sure,” you nod and a wave of relief floods through Hyunjin as you step out of your room. His joy is short-lived when he takes the brownies out of the oven, only to find them thoroughly burnt.

His mouth hangs agape, and he walks back shamefully to the oven, lowering its door only to scream inside of it.

“This will be more therapeutic,” you say, pointing nonchalantly to the fridge and he agrees, opening its doors and yelling once again in the much larger space.

Your melodic laughter fills the kitchen, Hyunjin’s embarrassment is suddenly a forgotten memory.

“I’m craving kimbap. Should we get it instead?” you propose, a touch shyly and he quickly agrees, afraid you’d change your mind and walk back to your room where he can no longer ensure you are okay.

Hyunjin absentmindedly dances along to the music blasting through the convenience store when a girl sidles up to his side, a saccharine grin on her lips as she looks up at him, “hi,” she greets and his tentative smile mirrors hers. “Hey.”

“Are you single?” she asks, her gaze briefly fleeting to the window. “I think you are really cute.”

“I’m…” he glances at you but you're suddenly engrossed in the ingredients of the tuna kimbap you are holding, pretending not to listen. “I am but I’m not interested, thank you.”

“Oh, come on,” she places a hand on his arm and he physically recoils. “Give me your insta and we could talk.”

“No,” he repeats, grabbing her hand to remove it when a loud voice startles him. “Baby, what’s taking you so— What are you doing?” Hyunjin watches in horror as the girl’s eyes grow wide, before she scrambles to the man’s side, feigning fear.

“He kept hitting on me when I said I had a boyfriend, baby.”

“What?” both you and Hyunjin gasped in comical unison. He would find it amusing if not for the escalating anger radiating from the man, who looks like he spends all his days in the gym. Hyunjin suddenly regrets not working out with Changbin.

The man strides towards Hyunjin. “Do you want to die?”

“No? there’s a misunderstanding,” he replies, swiftly standing before you and shielding you with his arm. “Your… baby,” he wiggles his finger in front of the man's face, “she was the one hitting on me!”

The man scoffs loudly, his face growing redder from the anger seething in him. “So you hit on my girlfriend and then accuse her of cheating?” His fist rises threateningly, prompting Hyunjin to step back, accidentally bumping into your chest.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let’s go talk outside, man to man,” Hyunjin pauses, his voice taking on a taunting edge, “unless you're too scared?” he smirks as he feels you pull at his shirt, whispering an incredulous- “What are you doing?” He shakes his head, grabbing your hand and leading you outside, throwing a sly wink at the man behind you now.

“Are you seriously going to fight him?” you ask, your gaze shifting towards the deranged couple who are about to step out of the grocery store. “No, of course not. I'm a lover, not a fighter.”

“You said you'd fight my ex,” you point out and his eyes soften surprisingly.

“You are an exception.” He looks back at the man, who's now walking towards you both. “But anyways, do you know how to run?” he asks and you frown, “who doesn’t know how to—” you pause as realization dawns on you. “No," you whisper furiously.

“Yes.”

“No,” you shake your head, horrified and he nods, eyes apologetic.

“Yes.” His fingers entwine with yours, he squeezes your hand once before he takes off running.

“Hwang fucking Hyunjin!” you shout and he looks back at you, a mischievous smile on his face. “I’m sorry Yn my face is too pretty to be beaten up.”

“He’s following us!” you yell, looking back horrified as the, even angrier, man runs after you.

“Well, run faster!”

“I’m wearing fucking slippers!” you curse and he giggles, tipping his head back, the wind slamming into you both, his hand never letting go of your own.

“Oh my god why is he still running!” you groan and Hyunjin picks up speed, moving you even closer to his sprinting figure

“I know, is it ever that serious?” he yells above his shoulder and you dig your nails into his palm.

“Shut up, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so gorgeous.”

“So, you think I’m pretty too?” Hyunjin grins proudly and an incredulous laugh escapes your lips.

“Really? Is this what you’re getting out of this situation?”

“Silver linings, Yn, silver linings,” he shouts as you round a small alley, finally stopping to catch your breath. You both fall to the ground, heavy breaths escaping your chests.

“Holy shit, I’m not athletic at all,” he heaves, his eyes meeting yours. He expects to find anger lingering in your gaze but all he can grasp is your amused smile before you collapse into a fit of laughter, clapping loudly and clutching your stomach with your hand.

“Oh my god, I’m crying,” you laugh harder, wiping away at the tears falling from your eyes. Hyunjin’s weariness disappears in the blink of an eye— he did not realize how much he missed your smile until he glimpsed it again. And it is beautiful. Happiness looks beautiful on you.

“Idiot,” you hit his shoulder playfully, and his response is delayed for a few seconds, the warmth from your smile rendering him immobile.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckles, pulling you up. “Here, I’ll carry you home,” he squats slightly before you. “How impolite of me. How dare I make your majesty run.”

You shake your head, amused, before climbing atop his back, his warm palms holding your thighs securely. “Only because the slippers hurt my feet.”

You walk in silence for a while, your arms wound up around Hyunjin’s neck, the ghost of a smile still lingering on both your faces.

“They said it will snow tomorrow,” Hyunjin speaks suddenly and you stay silent for so long he starts to wonder if you even heard him.

“Mm? That’s nice,” your tone is melancholic, and he pauses at the peculiar sadness in it— as though you were trying to act nonchalant about something that has once meant the world to you.

“Don’t you like the snow?” he asks and your hold on his neck falters.

“I loved it. Loved ice skating and building snowmen.” Your voice is light and airy, like Hyunjin’s favorite mint chocolate ice cream. “But now it reminds me of bad times, bad memories.”

“I understand.”

Hyunjin knows what it feels like to relinquish parts of yourself you never wished to part from. For someone to grab your happiest places and to cast a gloomy filter atop them. Sometimes it is the loss of a season that hurts more than the departure of a person.

And Hyunjin loves winter.

He’ll do everything so that you’ll come to love it again too.

❁ ❁ ❁

Is it a nightmare if the person in it is one you once loved, looked forward to beholding with your gaze, hoping they’d never slip out of your reach? You don’t know, but you are growing tired of having the same dreams every night. Of waking up with an exhaustion that goes beyond your restless sleep but pleads from your soul to rest after almost a year of torment.

You sigh wearily, rubbing a hand through your face before walking to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. You find Hyunjin there, eating a cupcake while standing shirtless, scrolling through his phone. You blink at the sight.

“Hey,” you clear your throat and he startles, dropping the cupcake on the ground. He goes to pick it up only to bang his head on the table, a loud yelp escaping his lips. You barely contain your giggles as you walk to his side, rubbing your palm soothingly on his head. “I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you.”

“At least pretend you are sorry,” he mumbles, pointing to your amused smile and you chuckle, taking his hand and helping him to his feet.

“What are you doing up now?” he asks as he grabs some napkins to clean up the pink frosting smeared across the floor.

You hesitate for a few seconds before whispering, “Just nightmares. And you?” you quickly add, not keen on pushing the subject any further.

“I'm working on a song,” he explains, as his gaze lingers on your sunken eyes, weighed down by dark circles from too many sleepless nights.

“And the cupcake?”

“Some people need caffeine to function. I need flour.”

“I literally see you drink three americanos per day.”

“Okay well maybe I need both,” he admits sheepishly and you grin, drumming your fingers along the countertop.

“Can I sit with you while you work?” you ask quickly, before the words linger enough in your mouth that you no longer wish to spit them out.

The smile that Hyunjin sends you is kind, pushing the shadows of your nightmares just slightly out of reach.

“Of course, yeah you can. Don’t even need to ask.”

Hyunjin walks first into his bedroom, quickly slipping on a hoodie while you take in the interior. It is a quite simple room— a large bed with gray covers, and a desk filled with what you assume to be his producing equipment sits adjacent. But what catches your attention is the dried rose hung delicately on the wall, and the array of paintings surrounding it. You edge closer to it, drawn to the well-crafted paintings— a sun-drenched beach, a couple lost in an embrace so intimate their forms can no longer be separated, and an elderly pair riding a motorcycle, their love radiating vibrantly as if enclosed in eternal youth.

“You paint?” you ask, turning around to find Hyunjin watching you. He steps closer, enveloping you once more in the fragrance of his rose perfume.

“In my free time.”

“You are amazing, Hyunjin,” you compliment sincerely, your gaze fixed on that imagery of the old couple, one that most likely grew together. It tugs at your heartstrings, stirs a painful longing within you, a memory of a time when you too believed you’d find such boundless love.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, before brushing his fingertips gently against your forearm, for a fleeting second. “Are you okay?” he asks, a tenderness you’ve been aching for latched into his question. Your eyes refuse to peel away from the paintings and the love spilling from each paint brush stroke, a love that refuses to rest on your being as if you were harboring an armor that repels it.

“No,” you reply sincerely, turning to face him. “It’s really hard,” you say with a smile, hoping that the mechanical display of happiness would keep your tears at bay, tricking your brain into believing you're not as sad as you feel.

It fails to do so, and the tears well in your eyes like a gathering storm. Frustration twists your features as you shut your eyes, tilting your head upward in a desperate attempt to contain the flood. It pauses as Hyunjin cradles the back of your head, drawing you close to the warmth of his neck. His palm glides soothingly along your spine, before patting your back ever so gently.

Your back stiffens, hands curling into tight fists, breath catching in your throat. You've grown accustomed to pushing away comfort, putting up tall barriers to shield yourself. But tonight, Hyunjin seems to break through your defenses.

Tonight, you soften, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, head nestling deeper against his tender skin.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispers and another sob wracks through you, but he only holds you tighter. “It’ll get better soon.”

“I loved him,” you hiccup, your voice breaks, “a lot.”

“I know, that’s why it hurts.” His voice is gentle, and yet his hold on you feels secure as if you could stumble and fall, and he would be there to catch you

“I want it to stop hurting.”

“It will, with time.”

Your next words are tinged with a childlike vulnerability, reminiscent of blow one, then two. But you do not care for it, in that instant, you crave the reassurance, you need someone to plant a seed of hope in your soul because your hands are too frail to dig for it.

“Do you promise me?”

His response doesn’t come hastily, carelessly thrown into the air like idle chatters. He takes his time, considering it with the gravity of an oath.

“I promise you.” He finally says, each syllable infused with sincerity. A brief pause hangs in the air before he adds. “And if it doesn’t then you can hit me.”

“On your pretty face?” you ask, a smile tugging at your lips despite yourself.

“On my pretty face,” he confirms with a chuckle.

“What an honor,” you roll your eyes playfully as you lean back and he grins, tenderly wiping away your tears with the back of his fingers.

“I can't believe it took three minutes for you to cry in my room. This isn’t good for my reputation.”

“Good thing this will never leave this bedroom, right?” you point a finger at him threateningly, and he pretends to zip his lips, tossing away the imaginary key. “You got it.”

“So what are you working on?” you ask as you settle on the edge of his bed, knees drawn up to your chest.

“It’s a pretty sad song, wanna hear?” he offers, sitting across from you on his chair.

“Yeah, I'd love to,” you smile, and Hyunjin deftly adjusts a few buttons, before his melancholic whistles weave through the air, coupled with the somber melody of a piano. Your breath catches in your throat, the music reaching into the very depths of your soul. It's as if the notes are calling out for a loved one, for a time that has long passed, for a past that will never come back no matter how much we long for it.

The instrumental continues, each piano note and each violin string echo like a bittersweet lament, springing tears to your eyes. But the melody remains beautiful, akin to the beauty always found in the sadness— in the tears that cascade down your cheeks like glistening crystals, in the tremble of your hands akin to branches swaying in the wind, in the rise and fall of your chest with each breath, mirroring the ebb and flow of the waves.

Hyunjin watches you intently as the music envelops you both, his gaze softening with each passing moment. You bring a hand to your chest, almost unconsciously, too engrossed in the melody to even blink. He feels a blush sprout on his cheeks as your teary eyes hold his with the last fading guitar strings.

“You keep on making me cry,” you whisper, your voice choked with emotion, and he grins, tilting his head shyly against his shoulder.

“You like it?” he asks, a tad eager and you nod, not bothering to wipe the lone tears that are falling down your cheeks.

“I think this is what my loneliness sounds like,” you confess softly.

“As do mine.”

A silent beat runs between you both, it isn’t uncomfortable, but safe. Because you understand him, just as he understands you.

“Sometimes I long for things that have passed," he admits, “although I know I can't get them anymore.”

“The most terrible thing you can long for is yourself.”

“Because no one’s to blame for that loss but you?” he muses and you nod, a sad smile tugging at your lips. “Yeah, exactly.”

You bite your lip, casting a glance back at the paintings adorning the wall. “I don't love him anymore,” you begin quietly. “I stopped a long time ago because there was no room for love anymore to grow amid weeds and thorns.”

He remains silent, sensing that this is a weight you need to unburden yourself from.

“But in the midst of it I think I stopped loving myself too,” you whisper, a confession too terrible to be uttered out loud. “That's what I long for. The things I used to love that I'm indifferent to now.”

“Like you’re a stranger before everything once familiar to you.”

“Yeah, you express it prettily,” you remark with a small smile.

“It's my job,” he grins lightly.

“I think when your heart is pure,” he begins after a while, pausing to carefully choose the words that will soothe your burn, help sleep come more easily to you. “You give love to others more readily than you do to yourself. And it takes time, patience, to redirect that love back to your own heart once again. But it's not a mistake to love, you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. Nor should you blame your past self for loving the wrong person because they did not know what you now do.”

“Think of it as a caterpillar in their cocoon,” he continues gently, “when they finally emerge from their chrysalis, they might long for who they were, where they once were because it is the only place they've ever known. But they do not realize that they've transformed into a beautiful butterfly, that they can now fly, and witness much more than their chrysalis. So maybe, your new self will love the same things as before, or maybe you’ll find new, better things to love that you would have not known before. But in either way, your heart is beautiful. That is what matters, no?”

A small pout draws on your lips, your eyebrows scrunched as you gaze at him.

“You have a very tender soul, Hyunjin.”

Your words linger in Hyunjin's mind long after the sunrise, as you lay peacefully asleep on his bed. The melody of the instrumental he produced continues to play faintly in the background, serving as a gentle lullaby that eases you into slumber, entwined in his sheets, your arms wrapped protectively around yourself, one hand cradling your shoulders and the other resting gently on your stomach. The image sears into his eyes as he sketches the outlines of a figure holding itself absentmindedly, long into the night.

Hyunjin has had his fair share of compliments, mostly pertaining to his face, and others to his craft. but it is you who seems to have sensed that a part of his soul resided in his art, that he left pieces of his heart hidden in the notes he composes and the lyrics he writes, hoping they’ll find soft hands that will take care of them, just like your own.

Five days later.

hyunjin [11:34 p.m.]: are you home?

yn [11:34 p.m.]: yeahh, do you need anything?

hyunjin [11:35 p.m.]: come downstairs, im waiting for youu

if you say no i’ll freeze to death..

hurry i can’t feel my fingers anymore (please please) ㅠㅠㅠ

“This better be a life and death situation Hwang Hyunjin,” you say threateningly as soon as you appear before Hyunjin, causing him to straighten up from the wall he was leaning against.

“It is a very dangerous life-altering situation that requires your immediate assistance, indeed,” he responds solemnly, ushering you gently to his car and opening the door for you.

“Which is?” you ask as soon as he settles inside the car and he simply grins at you, his left dimple coming forth like the very sun on a gloomy day.

“You’ll see.”

Hyunjin’s eyes fleet to your figure every now and then, but you do not seem to notice, your gaze lost into the blurring lights ahead. He can tell you're still not entirely yourself, so he was prepared to forcibly drag you along with him. He’s almost surprised you accepted to come down so easily.

“Is that… Seungmin?” you speak suddenly, pointing to a man waving in the distance, as Hyunjin parks his car near an empty field.

“And Changbin? And Minho?” you continue, squinting your eyes, “and a bonfire?” you giggle with a hint of excitement.

“You love s’mores during the winter, right?”

Hyunjin smiles, your soul softens.

“I do,” you say quietly, “I really do.”

You quickly exit the car, running into Seungmin's arms with a grin of disbelief plastered on your face. “This is insane,” you almost shout, squeezing him tight in a hug.

“It was so hard to find the perfect middle of nowhere for this,” Minho grumbles as you move to greet him, but the warmth of his embrace assures you he's only teasing.

“Thank you,” you say with a smile as you hug Changbin, who affectionately ruffles your hair. “It was Hyunjin’s idea,” he reveals, and you glance back at Hyunjin, who stands with his hands buried deep within his sweatpants behind you. You mouth a silent “thank you” to him, but he shakes his head modestly as if it is nothing to bring happiness to a bruised heart.

The night unfolds in endless laughter, with Minho and Hyunjin taking turns roasting marshmallows over the crackling bonfire, and Seungmin serving you hot coffee to keep your hands warm. Your stomach aches from the uncontrollable fits of giggles that overtook your being as Minho recounts the time he danced so vigorously on stage for his dance club that he ripped his pants, feeling a breeze where there shouldn't be one; and Changbin tells you the story of the time his voice cracked in the middle of a rap battle, and how none of the boys stopped teasing him about it for months to come.

And as the four of them take turns making you laugh, a quiet, tender realization dawns on you—you are loved. It is something he tried to convince you was impossible, that no one around truly cared for you but him. And even then, you weren’t deserving of his love whole, only scrapes of it, as if you were a beggar tugging at the outskirts of his heart.

But Hyunjin reminded you otherwise. And if your friends found something worthy of love within you then perhaps so will you again, one day.

“Did you have fun?” Hyunjin asks as he opens the door to his, your, apartment hours later. What he doesn't expect is for you to respond by wrapping your arms around his slender torso, squeezing tight in gratitude.

“Thank you,” you whisper and he nods, though you cannot see him, returning the embrace by wrapping his arms around your shoulder blades.

Hyunjin doesn't let go first, sensing that perhaps you need this hug more than he does. He smiles as your eyes meet his again, but his grin falters when he notices your gaze flickering towards your bedroom, a hint of unease clouding your expression. It's as if behind that door lie monsters only you can grasp, wearing the faces of people you once knew, once loved.

“Wanna stay with me while I work on the song?”

“Last time I ended up sleeping on your bed,” you say a bit shamefully, recalling the morning you woke up to find yourself covered with a thick blanket that wasn’t there before, alone in Hyunjin's room.

“It's okay,” he shrugs, “I missed sleeping on the couch.”

You stare pointedly at him and he chuckles, “Fine, I did not miss it. But you needed the sleep, so it’s okay with me.”

“Fine,” you concede, though you did not need much convincing for it. “But only if you promise you’ll wake me up if I end up falling asleep again.”

Hyunjin tilts his head, thinking to himself for a few seconds before shaking his head stubbornly, a small pout drawn on his face, his eyes semi-closed. “No.”

“Hyunjin!”

“Nu-uh,” he insists, shaking his head once more as he walks back towards his room. “I'm waiting for you!”

“I'm not coming!”

But you do eventually join him, after changing your clothes and washing your face. You find Hyunjin clad in beige and white checkered pajamas, his glasses pushing back his silky hair as he hunches over his journal, scribbling away before erasing what he wrote.

“Struggling with lyrics?” you ask, leaning against the wall and he startles. “Do you float on the ground? Why can I never hear you come in?”

“Or maybe you just love being dramatic,” you sing-song, laying atop his bed, much more at ease than the previous night.

Hyunjin sticks his tongue out childishly in response, and you playfully mimic the gesture before both of you dissolve into happy giggles.

“Kind of,” he explains once you both settle down, “I have this specific feeling in mind that I need to convey.”

“You'll do well,” you reassure softly, “your lyrics are always so beautiful. Remember Cover me?” you smile and he scratches the back of his ear, a shy grin spreading across his face.

“You still listen to it?” he asks and you nod eagerly, attempting to belt into Seungmin’s ending high note. You fail horribly and Hyunjin throws a crumpled piece of paper on your face to get you to stop singing.

“My poor ears,” he laughs loudly, and you retaliate by throwing back a pillow on his head.

“You just don’t get my artistic abilities.”

“I’d get them more if you stayed silent.”

You gasp, faking offense as you stand up to tickle Hyunjin on his chair, he starts squirming immediately, his loud giggles spilling all over the room, coating it in vibrant hues of happiness, and you’re suddenly captivated by the sight of him— his head thrown back, a golden lock framing his laughter-filled eyes, his top lowering slightly to reveal glimpses of his collarbones and the delicate veins that trace enticing paths on his neck.

You pause, your hand hovering over the side of his stomach, as a long-forgotten warmth spreads through your heart, like the first rays of dawn greeting the earth after a long winter night. It doesn’t diffuse quickly through your being, but rather drapes like sticky honey on your veins, making you well aware of your growing blush, of how beautiful Hyunjin is in his joy.

“Never singing to you again,” you clear your throat, laying atop his bed once again, and quickly reaching for your phone, anything to avoid his eyes which rival the crescent moon outside his window.

Hours pass before a warm hand gently settles on your shoulder, rousing you from your slumber. Blinking away the fog of sleep, you find Hyunjin leaning over you, his grin wide and infectious. “Wake up,” he whispers, but you only groan, burying your face deeper into his pillow.

He doesn’t yield, taking hold of your wrist and guiding your drowsy figure upright, before wrapping the blanket snugly around your shoulders. Without a word, he leads you out onto his balcony, carefully putting his neon green beanie on your head to shield you from the cold.

“It’s snowing!” he smiles, and his excited tone manages to dissipate the fog in your mind. You blink repeatedly and soon enough, you too behold the fallen snowflakes, each one resembling a tiny speck of light bidding farewell to the sky to greet the earth.

“You missed the first snow so I didn’t want you to miss this one too,” he explains, and his thoughtfulness blankets you with a warmth that seeps into every crevice in your body, drips down your fingertips and makes the cold of 4 a.m. seem less harsh, less biting to the touch.

You don’t know how to say thank you, because those two words don’t encapsulate the depths of gratitude that you feel for Hyunjin. Because he is speaking to the person within you who still loves snow, the part buried underneath layers of dust from a ground heartbreak. But you still manage to hear him, and you squeeze his hand tightly, and he doesn’t let go until you finally do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Remembering has become easier for you these past two months— both the good and the bad. And each day, the scale tips towards one side or the other. Sometimes you recall the suffocation you felt with him, the feeling that no matter what you did you could never please him, that your hands were crafted to break rather than mend. And on those days your wound grows, it throbs and bleeds different emotions.

Sometimes it's anger— at him for treating your heart so carelessly as if you were a being devoid of feeling. And then at you— for staying, for giving him excuses and desperately searching for goodness within him, for the one redeeming quality that would convince you he was worth the pain.

And other days bring an excruciating sadness along, a weight that presses down upon you until you're paralyzed. Because you feel bad for yourself and for everything you went through. Because you’re unsure how to rise when unseen hands push you deeper into the abyss.

And on these days, Seungmin becomes your anchor. He buys your favorite food, skips classes with you, and takes you to your favorite gardens. He talks and he talks and you try your best to laugh because you do not wish to worry him more. It is enough to be your own burden, you do not wish to burden him too.

But when he drops you home, your facade slips away, the smile fading from your face as if it were never truly yours to wear. You are too tired to pretend so you don’t, and Hyunjin doesn’t let you, either. He brews you tea and orders takeout because he knows you lack the energy for cooking. He goes with you on walks and drapes you in pieces of his clothing— scarves and beanies and gloves because he knows you couldn’t care less about a cold when there is a frost coating your bones. He lets you sit in his room while he works on his songs, and while he paints. Sometimes you talk and often you don't need to. But he’s there. He's there with you.

But you also remember the good. You remember your movie night with the boys, Hyunjin building an entire fort for you, adorned with twinkling lights and the softest blankets. How you watched movies until 5 a.m. your bodies so closely huddled together that there was no room left for sadness.

You recall Hyunjin begging you to build a snowman with him at the crack of dawn, the two of you collapsing in fits of laughter as you threw snowballs at one another, your footsteps marking the fresh fallen snow.

You remember being so exhausted after one of your showers that you simply laid atop the couch, gaze fixed on the void, too drained to even untangle the knots in your hair. Yet, it is not the tiredness that you exactly recall, nor the salty tears you shed underneath the scorching water jet. But it is Hyunjin's tender hands as he brushed through your hair, his fingers tracing the nape of your neck, his knuckles ghosting over the slate of your shoulder. You remember whispering that it was a particularly hard day and Hyunjin understanding. You remember him watching many YouTube tutorials to prepare your favorite seaweed soup, only for it to end up being too salty. But you still ate it all, because he made it for you, to lift your wounded spirits. And that alone was enough for it to taste good.

You remember your heart hardening then softening again, breaking then stitching itself back together, closing off then blooming like flowers on the first day of spring. You remember smiling only to cry then smile again. And you remember liking snow, a bit more than you thought you would. Because Hyunjin was there, holding your trembling hand, steadying it enough for you to rewrite your memories with winter.

So, you want to say thank you.

You do not wish to spell it out, because there are too many things to thank Hyunjin for and too few words to do so. Instead, you drag him to the farmer’s market near your home, and you tell him to help you pick flowers.

“I could be in bed watching my favorite show and yet here I am bestowing you with my enchanting presence,” he sighs, not too modestly, as you both eye the array of colorful blooms.

“Okay, Shakespeare, are you done?” you roll your eyes, attempting your best to hide your grin.

“Done annoying you? Never. These are very pretty,” he adds, pointing to the white roses in full bloom, their delicate petals emitting a sweet fragrance into the air.

“I agree, what else should we add?” you ponder, picking out four roses.

“Mm, Hibiscus? The red in the center is so vibrant,” he suggests, taking out his phone to capture the flower.

“Cute. Baby breath’s would look good too,” you say as you gather the flowers, heading to the cashier with Hyunjin trailing behind, still admiring the delicate blooms.

“Can I write a note?” you ask the middle-aged man as he wraps the bouquet in a powder blue paper.

“Sure,” he replies with a smile, and you return the gesture, quickly jotting down your words.

“Are you done?” Hyunjin grins when you return to his side and you nod, exiting the flower shop.

“What do you think?” you ask, angling the bouquet towards him.

“It's beautiful.”

“It’s yours,” you smile, growing shier at the intensity of his gaze as it lands on you, then the flowers, then on you again. “Take it,” you hand it to him, your cheeks flushing like the hibiscus’s crimson core.

“Actually?” he says softly, his fingers trembling slightly as he accepts the flowers and you nod in response. You bite your lip as you watch him take out the note, his eyes softening once he reads the words inscribed in it— thank you for making my winter less cold.

“Should we go?” you say a tad too cheerfully, turning away, but Hyunjin grabs your wrist, spinning you around once more. His fingers trail up your arm, coming to rest gently on your cheek as he leans down to plant a tender kiss there.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, his lips lingering against your skin for a moment longer than necessary. You think that if his soft lips grace your skin a few times more, your nerve endings might forget the harshness they were subjected to. If his gentle hands remain on your cheeks, then maybe, your heart would heal quicker, better. Maybe your past self that you long for would emerge again, maybe Hyunjin would be able to unearth it.

Your hopeful thoughts disappear as quickly as they arrive, overshadowed by a sense of helplessness that crashes over you, all of the sudden. You sense him before you hear him, the familiar anxiety that is only synonymous with your ex’s presence.

“Yn?” the sound of your name feels harsher in his mouth, the syllables spat out rather than spoken tenderly, as they are when Hyunjin pronounces it. Your veins run cold as his voice pierces the air, your heart skipping three beats at once before plummeting to your knees. You wrap your hand around Hyunjin’s forearm instinctively, and he looks down at you, his expression morphing into one of concern.

You’re unsure of what he sees in you— whether it is your pale face, the quiver of your lower lip, or the fear that has coated all your features— but his eyes harden, his brows furrowing as he gazes at the man behind you.

You refuse to turn around, bracing yourself for his next words. “Yn,” he repeats his tone laced with anger, his fingertips grazing your arm as if intending to force you to face him. But before he can touch you, Hyunjin intervenes, swiftly stepping in between you and your ex, shielding you with his own body protectively.

“Leave,” Hyunjin's voice is cold, dripping with a venomous edge you've never heard from him before, his jaw clenching with barely contained fury.

“Is this your new shiny toy, Yn?” your ex taunts and his voice cuts through your being against your will, triggering a flood of memories you've tried so desperately to suppress. Memories of his cruelty, his manipulation, and the pain he inflicted upon you—using your love as a weapon to bolster his own ego.

“What's in it for you?” you find your voice again, though it trembles when you speak. He is the very embodiment of your pain and everything you loathe about yourself. You wish for the ground to swallow you whole, for a bolt of lightning to strike the earth, anything to spare you from facing him.

“It's only been three months, I didn't know you were a whore.”

Hyunjin's fist connects with his cheek before you can register his words. It all unfolds so rapidly that you barely have time to comprehend it. Your ex staggers back, blood trickling from the cut on his lip, while Hyunjin stands before you, his chest heaving with restrained anger, his right hand clenched into a fist, the bouquet still held tightly in the other.

“Fine, I deserved it,” your ex chuckles, his voice laced with mockery as he wipes the blood from his lip. His gaze meets yours briefly behind Hyunjin's back.

“You might not be a whore but you are unlovable, keep that in mind.” He spits out before walking away, crude words that tear at every scab covering your wounds, reopening them with a brutal force. Hyunjin moves to follow him, but you grab his shirt, pulling him back.

“He’s not worth it,” you murmur.

Your words seem to snap Hyunjin out of his haze as he turns to look at you, worry cast across his figure. He moves to cradle your cheeks but you step back, refusing to meet his eyes. He swallows thickly, clutching the bouquet in his hands. “Are you okay?”

You let out a heavy sigh, your shoulders slumping as you shake your head slightly. “Let's just go home,” you whisper, eyes fleeting to his for a split second. All the lights in your gaze are muted.

You’re crumbling before him once again and he cannot stop it, no matter how much he yearns to.

It's long past midnight when you find yourself seated on the floor of your living room, a bottle of red wine placed between you and Hyunjin. You exchange it wordlessly, taking turns sipping from it, the alcohol warming your insides but doing little to ease the ache in your heart. You don’t exactly recall when Hyunjin sat next to you, but you don’t mind. You were too lost in your own thoughts to even register his presence.

“Yn,” he calls out softly and you hum absentmindedly, memories of when your ex spoke your name haunting you, each time he yelled your name, uttered it in disdain as if it was the starting point of everything wrong with you.

“Talk to me, please?” he pleads, angling his body towards your own. But you refuse to meet his eyes and Hyunjin’s heart twists in his chest. He is afraid of all the ugly thoughts that must roam your mind. He wishes he could enter it, open the windows wide, and usher the light in.

“I'm sorry you were dragged into this,” you say, your gaze fixated on the bouquet placed atop the table. The crimson painted on the hibiscus’ petals reminds you of the blood that spilled from your ex’s mouth, and your gaze fleets to Hyunjin's hand, slightly bruised from the punch.

“Don’t apologize,” he whispers, “there is nothing to be sorry for.”

It’s as though you don’t hear him, your fingers trailing gently across his scraped knuckles, tears pooling in your eyes the more you stare at his hand.

“Does it hurt?” you ask, voice thick with emotion, and Hyunjin’s quick to shake his head. “No, don’t worry about it. He deserved it.”

“You didn’t deserve to be hurt.”

“Neither did you.”

Your disbelieving scoff that follows scares him. What if you’re slipping away into a dark place yet again, one void and barricaded, in which the only sound that echoes is your ex’s hurtful words? What if he can’t reach you again?

“If the only person I’ve ever loved says I’m unlovable then maybe I am.”

You’re drunk, you wouldn’t have said such an ugly thing otherwise, wouldn’t have allowed this sentiment to materialize into the air, to take a tangible form apart from your abstract thoughts.

“No,” Hyunjin says in a panic as though he’s trying to quickly pull the brakes on your free-railing thoughts. He cups your face between his palms, your tears falling freely atop his hands but he does not move away.

“No,” he repeats, more calmly this time. “How he treated you is a reflection of who he is. And how you see him is a reflection of who you are. And you wanted him to be loving because you’re full of love. You wanted him to be good because you are a good person. And he can’t stomach that, can’t stomach that you are happy without him so he’s trying to ruin you again.”

“Hyunjin…” you shake your head but he only inches closer to you, his thumbs gently caressing your cheekbones. “No, listen to me. Seungmin loves you so much he couldn’t eat properly for the first few days you stayed here, texted me all the time asking me how you were and if you were feeling better. He isn't good with words so instead he tries to make you laugh. He wishes he could give up parts of his happiness for you.”

A sob swells within you but Hyunjin presses on. “And Minho, he tried to memorize all your favorite recipes so he could cook them for you. It isn’t a coincidence that every time we go over to their dorm it is your favorite food that we eat. He takes more pictures of his cats these days so he could send them to you because he knows it cheers you up.”

“You told me Changbin doesn’t know you well enough to fight for you but when we saw your ex across the campus one day he wanted to get up and beat him. He always asks me if you are well and if there is something he can do for you, anything.”

He inhales deeply, tears welling up in his eyes as well. “And me…” a tender smile graces his lips as he gazes at you, “you make this house a home. I feel like my true self when you are around and loneliness doesn’t come to me as often as it did. Because you are here. You are like a beam of sunlight that lightens up every life you touch, mine first,” he’s baring his soul to you, vulnerable yet resolute. “So tell me, Yn, what’s not to love in you when you yourself are so full of love?”

“Hyune,” you speak the nickname for the first time, and Hyunjin’s heart thrashes achingly around his ribcage. “If you keep talking like this I might end up loving you,” you smile sadly at him as if it is a terrible thing to be loved by you.

“But I don’t want to love you, because I won’t know how to, not anymore. So I'll end up leaving. And I'll long for you, and I don't think I can stomach longing for you from afar.”

“So please,” you place one hand atop his own, wipe away the lone tear rolling down his cheek. “Don’t make me love you, hm? You deserve more than to be loved by someone like me.”

You leave Hyunjin in the living room, alone before the white flowers you gifted him. He doesn’t want to put them away in a vase, for as soon as he grabbed them from your hold, everything around you both crumbled. So he leaves them there for the night, the creamy white petals aglow underneath the moonlight. He spends the night painting the bouquet from memory, but the petals end up too tinged with red, perhaps mirroring the blood his heart refuses to stop spilling still.

He did not realize it before, maybe he blinded himself so he wouldn’t see what was before him all along. But it is all the clearer to him now— that in his attempts to make you love winter again, Hyunjin only ended up loving you.

A week later.

hyune [1:25 a.m.]: i miss you

You and Hyunjin spent the last seven days avoiding one another, well you more than him. He just understood your silent plea when you took a step back the one time he tried to talk to you in the kitchen, swallowing thickly before inching away, allowing you to move past him.

You did not know how to face him after what he said, partly because you were embarrassed by your own response, mostly because even in your drunken daze, his words etched themselves permanently into your memory.

It is his reassuring words that echoed in your brain for the past week, not those of your ex.

hyune [1: 26 a.m.]: and i miss sleeping on the couch

You giggle, shaking your head before replying.

yn [1:26 a.m.]: no you don’t

hyune [1:26 a.m.]: no i don’t ㅠㅠ

but i finished the song

wanna hear?

Walking to Hyunjin’s room feels as familiar as going into your own. And when your gaze finally meets his you can’t help but break into a relieved smile. It was foolish of you to punish yourself, enough people have done that for you already.

“Hey,” he greets tentatively, and you respond with an awkward wave, a moment pregnant with anticipation passes before both of you dissolve into laughter.

“What is this? Are we in middle school,” he teases and you giggle, settling comfortably on his bed once more.

“I know. We are so lame.”

“You are,” he corrects with a grin and you gasp, pretending to leave but he quickly catches your hand, stopping you. “No, please stay. I meant it when I said that I missed you,” he repeats quietly, as if afraid that his confession would make you run away once again.

Your heart aches, the knots in your stomach tightening and unraveling all at once. “I missed you too,” you admit softly, and he smiles, his thumb tracing a gentle path above your pulse before releasing your hand.

“So it's done then?” you ask and he nods, running a hand through his hair with a hint of anxiety. “How do you feel about it?”

“Good. I hope you’ll like it, mostly.”

“I'm sure I will,” you reassure him with a soft smile, and he nods once more, pressing a few buttons before his melodious whistles fill the air once again.

Nothing could have braced you for the sound of Hyunjin's voice that followed, its timbre soft as silk yet imbued with profound sorrow. It's as though he recorded the song on one of his loneliest nights, his honeyed vocals dipped in an excruciating nostalgia that seeps into every corner of the room, every corner of your heart.

In the faded photo, I come across a smile spread across a youthful face, overlapped with the seasons.

Your gaze flickers to Hyunjin as a shadow of recollection dawns on you. You remember telling him that you couldn’t stomach looking at pics of your past, ones in which you smiled so freely because you were blissfully unaware of what was to come.

The night’s so cold that it’s almost unreal.

Because you weren’t aware of the winter that will follow and the biting cold that it would bear, for everything that will go astray in your relationship, for your ex's facade to crack like a glacier succumbing to the pressure of lies and pretense.

I wake up in another silence, and I close my eyes.

You remember Hyunjin confessing that silence haunted him more than words ever could, and you had agreed, sharing how sometimes you shut your eyes, pretending that the reality you woke up to wasn't the one you were living.

The white flower we planted together has bloomed. I do not dare pick it. Now it withers away.

You gaze at the white flowers you brought him, now wilted in the vase placed on his desk, yet Hyunjin refuses to throw them still. You see the card you wrote for him hung on the wall, right next to the dried red rose. He kept it. Though it withered, he kept it all.

So I long for you. And I long for you. And I'll long for you.

You remember the longing you both spoke of, how he understood a feeling you felt so incredibly alone in. How he tried to reassure you when he too was caught in the webs of the past. How you longed for him in the past week. How you wished he longed for you just the same.

So I can keep loving you. So I could be loving you. And morе.

The violin swells and so does the emotion in your chest. You remember him asking you ‘What’s not to love in you’ and how you've spun those words in your thoughts ever since. You remember thinking that if he gave you a few more weeks, just a bit more time, you might have found it in you to believe them.

You see Hyunjin’s glimmering eyes holding yours, you see his heart atop a platter handed to you, and you see the resignation in his being. Don’t make me love you, you told him. You didn’t dare to tell him not to love you in return, deemed it too foolish of thought to entertain.

For he was Hwang Hyunjin, the quiet producer who paints in his free time and who wears his heart on his sleeve. Who remains hopeful, loving, and tender, despite the thorns pricking at his side. Who is beautiful, so much so that he allowed you to see beauty in the universe once again, through his eyes.

How could he love you?

How could you not love him?

“The song,” you whisper, the words barely escaping your lips as you stand, trembling, on your feet. Hyunjin rises too, meeting you in the center of his room.

“It is about you. For you,” he says simply as if his words don’t cause your world to burst at the seams only to mend itself once again, too eager to fix itself and exist in the same timeline as Hyunjin.

“I don't… I don’t know what to say,” you say earnestly, feeling your heart pound in your chest, its beats resounding loudly in your ears.

It is wrong of you to assume he wishes you to say something. He is Hyunjin, the one who finds words in your silences too, after all.

“I don’t need you to say anything,” he shakes his head, taking another step closer to you. “I don't want an answer, I don't wish to pressure you. I just wanted to tell you that my love is here, it is yours to take or to leave, to cherish or to discard. But it is yours, because this is who I am. I am someone who loves you.”

“So do not tell me to forget you because I don't know how to. And don’t tell me that you’ll leave because I will love you still, because you’d still be you, near or far, you are you. And you are someone I long for.” He pauses, his voice softening. “And I long for you, Yn, more than anything I've ever longed for. And I've spent all my life longing.”

His lips meet your forehead tenderly, and you feel your entire being grow limp at the chaste kiss, as if your limbs wish to liquefy and form a puddle on the floor. His touch is soft, and you miss it the moment he parts from you.

“There must be something in this room that keeps on making you cry,” he smiles and you bring your hands to your damp cheeks, surprised to find there tears you didn’t realize had fallen.

“It’s you,” you pinch his arm playfully and he squirms away from your hold, stabbing his toe on the desk in the process. A loud fuck echoes around the room, and your laughter dissipates the tension clinging into the air.

“Can you play it again?” you request softly and Hyunjin’s theatrics fade as a shy smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Is it good?”

“It's everything to me.”

“It's called ‘long for you’, by the way.”

“Long for you,” you repeat quietly. There has never been a prettier combination of words.

The title all but makes sense as you lay on the bed, your gaze fixed on the paintings hung on the wall, Hyunjin sketching quietly on his desk, the song resonating softly in the background. You've longed for many things in your life—the person you once were and the tender love you once craved—but amidst it all, nothing has weighed heavier on your heart than the longing for the man sitting just two meters away, almost in your loving grasp. Almost.

❁ ❁ ❁

It is an excruciating five days that Hyunjin spends apart from you, the both of you too caught up in your assignments to find a moment to properly speak. But you do not shy away from him when he greets you, and your grin is kind as it drapes across his being, and Hyunjin swears he has never seen a prettier sight than you smiling.

On the sixth night, Hyunjin completes the cover for the song— a figure wrapped around itself protectively, mirroring the way you hug yourself in your sleep. He hangs it on the wall, right next to your thank you card and the white bouquet he drew once again, wishing to properly immortalize its beautiful flowers, to purify that memory from the tumult that followed it.

On the sixth night, the house is quiet, the full moon high up in the sky, snowflakes falling softly to the ground. Hyunjin wonders if you too mimicked the snow’s descent— both of you falling apart with it.

But then, there’s a knock on his door.

His heart catches in his throat, his body freezing as if it forgot how to move. You are here.

“Come in,” he manages to say, his voice barely above a whisper. You push the door open, and Hyunjin's words wilt on his tongue as he sees what you're carrying—another bouquet, filled with white flowers, yet again.

“Hey,” you smile, standing by the door.

He remains silent, unsure of what to say, or how to speak. He longs for you when you are away, even more so when you’re before him.

“We shouldn't let these white flowers wither away too, right?” you smile slightly, placing the bouquet on the desk before walking to Hyunjin’s bedside. His voice falters, vocal cords refusing to move and overshadow your voice.

You sit beside him, gently pulling his hand so that you’d both lie on the pillows. Your hand doesn’t leave his own, instead, it moves to rest on his cheek, reminiscent of the many times he had cradled your face before. Inch by inch, you close the gap between you, nuzzle the tip of your nose against his own. “Hi, Hyune”, you say softly, and he swallows thickly, his voice coming out just as quietly.

“Hi, my Yn.”

“If we take care of the white flowers together do you think they’ll survive a bit longer?” you ask, your gaze never wavering from his, countless stars twinkling in the depths of your irises.

“I believe so,” he says tentatively, too aware of the warmth of your palm against his skin, of the sweet ache unfurling within his being.

“Mm, and even if they wilt we can always buy new ones. We can learn how to care for them better, with time,” you say, and he nods in agreement, laying his hand atop your own, tilting his head to bestow a chaste kiss on your palm.

“With time,” he echoes softly and you smile, vulnerable yet secure in his gray sheets, in his hold.

“Will you give me time too?” you ask, and Hyunjin reads in your eyes what you mean, understands in the shake of your voice the question you are too afraid to voice. Will he give you time to heal in order to love?

“As long as you need. I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures, pressing his forehead gently atop yours, and you both close your eyes, as a running warmth encloses you both, blooms a blush on both your cheeks.

His arms wrap around your back, drawing you close until your chests are pressed together, your head resting naturally in the curve of his neck. And it is long forgotten in your mind, all the nights you slept in this very bed alone. You feel safe, safe enough to long for love knowing that it patiently awaits you behind the door, once you find enough courage to turn the doorknob. You feel serene, as Hyunjin’s warm palms glide soothingly up and down your spine, as every muscle, every nerve, every atom in your being relaxes in his hold.

You are healing, slowly, with each fleeting second that passes in which Hyunjin’s heartbeat resounds within your chest, as its melody runs through your veins, melds with your own as if it was destined to be there all along. As you rest in Hyunjin, as you find a safe home within his soul to discard your worries at the doorstep and breathe.

“It did get better,” you whisper, pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade. “Hm?” He leans back to look at you, and he’s so beautiful, so tender as he gazes at you, you can’t help but trace the contours of his face with your fingers, hoping to commemorate him with your eyes, with your touch.

“You promised me it’ll get better, and it did,” you smile, as your legs further intertwine with his, and his rose perfume becomes an indelible mark on your skin. “Too bad I can't hit your pretty face now,” you joke and he giggles, tipping his head back.

He's so beautiful, body and soul, and he longs for you, you alone.

“But I can still do this,” you murmur before finally pressing your lips against his like a boat finally reaching the shore after months of sailing. You both exhale, in yearning, in relief, as your mouths move together in a slow, languid dance, his hand finding the pulse on your neck, yours settling atop his jaw.

He would kiss you again, this intimately, in the coming months, when your heart expands enough to contain the love Hyunjin deserves. He would kiss you again, when your past comes to haunt you, and healing sounds like an elusive myth you’d never encounter in your life.

And he would kiss you again, over the kitchen table and under the fridge’s light, in between paintings and in supermarket aisles, while picking flowers and watching the first snow.

He would kiss you, this tenderly, in the next winter, and the ones after it, as if his longing for you never wanes. Till blow three disappears from your memory, till all you remember is the love, the true one, the kind one, the soft one Hyunjin alone could have brought you.

[flusteredmoonn]

the tortured poets department tracklist

now playing; the tortured poets department tracklist... — in which flusteredmoonn details the inspiration for each of the songs within the tortured poets department album.

"i love you..."

fortnight, r.b. "i was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me" in which regulus falls for someone who is less than pureblooded, and his parents discover he's hiding something.

the tortured poets department, j.p. "sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me," in which after years of james pining after lily, he finally falls for someone else.

my boy only breaks his favourite toys, s.b. "but you should have seen him when he first saw me," in which he goes from a renowned player, to realising his feelings for her, yet she doesn't quite believe him.

down bad, r.l. "everything comes out, teenage petulance," in which remus doesn't realise how caught up he is in searching for a cure.

so long, london, s.b. "i left all i knew, you left me at the house by the heath" in which sirius and a girl from beauxbatons academy fall for one another in a romance with a timer on it.

but daddy i love him, j.p. "there's a lot of people in town that i bestow upon my fakest smile," in which people question her choice to go out with one of the most popular boys from gryffindor house, but they aren't privy to the private moments between them.

fresh out the slammer, s.b. "and i'm gonna be alright, i did my time" in which their relationship ends on a horrific note, and they are unsure whether to revisit it after they heal.

florida!!! r.l. "florida, go on, fuck me up" in which she dares him to share the things which weigh on him, at the promise that she wont pull away.

guilty as sin? r.b. "i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves," in which he expresses to her his desire to be seen by his brother, whilst battling with decisions pressured by his marriage.

who's afraid of little old me? j.p. "don't you worry folks, we took out all her teeth,," in which he falls for the opposition, both intimidated and attracted to how fierce she truly is.

i can fix him (no really, i can), r.l. "and your good lord doesn't need to lift a finger, i can fix him no really i can," in which she decides that she can change the casanova of gryffinor tower from his womanizing ways, and she deos.

loml, r.b. "who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flame, when we know the steps anyway," in which they were once promised to one another as children, but their life leads them on different paths, until they meet again.

i can do it with a broken heart, j.p. "cause i'm miserable, and no one even knows," in which he hides how much he's truly suffering from the coninuous rejection from lily, until he drunkenly opens up one night.

the smallest man who ever lived, r.l. "and i'll forget you, but i''ll never forgive,," in which sirius receives a howler from his parents, rather embarrassingly, in front of the person he's only just gotten into a relationship with.

the alchemy, j.p. "where's the trophy, he just comes running over to me," in which he wins a game of quidditch and he celebrates by publicising their relationshio.

clara bow, r.b. "you look like taylor swift...you've got edge, she never did," in which he is continuously measured up to the impression his older brother made on his teachers, until the girl he's seeing shows him that he can be his own person.

"...it's ruining my life"

[modernmanblues]

hiii sorry i'm so slow 🫠 a lot going on at this time of the year as usual but i'll try to get back to you faster!

BUT i finally got to listen to 10cc and i love it sm!! i realised i've actually heard i'm not in love before and always loved it, and i'm mandy fly me might be my fav out of the songs i listend to so far! this sound is definitely right up my alley and i'm so surprised i never really listened to them before (even though i always saw their albums while browsing vinyl stores bc they're always at the very beginning bc of their name lmao)

so tell me more about eric and what it is about him that you love the most? 👀

oh i love all of these films as well! jimmy dean and jusy garland hold a special place in my heart :') and i've been meaning to do an all-time fave list for the longest time but i always forget about it haha. i really love musicals and british kitchen sink so off the top of my head i'd say west side story, a star is born, a taste of honey and billy liar! but there are many many more

and i write too! i've been trying as long as i can remember but i feel like i really got into it and realised a lot about writing only just recently. do you have any writing routines or tips that help you with it?

i wanted to read on the road for the longest time!! yes, reading is also one of the things i really got into again recently after a break! the biggest reading discovery of this year for me definitely was james baldwin, i adore his writing style, it's exactly the way i'm trying to write too. what are your favourites and recs?

-☃️

hello there!

and it’s no worries, take your time :) i was telling the person i am a secret santa for that i may be slow with responses as well so it’s alright, take as much time as you need!

HANG ON you listened to ‘I’m Mandy, Fly Me’ and actually LIKED it?! oh bless your little heart. i know it may not mean much to you, but it does to me. it makes me happy when i get anyone to listen to 10cc and they actually end up kinda digging them, so thank you for that. you’ve made my night 🥹 Mandy is perhaps one of my favourite 10cc tracks. like i mentioned in my previous response, that song has touched me on a more personal level, so for anyone to listen to it and enjoy it means the world to me.

oh dear, i think the question here is what don’t i like about Eric dearest? my darling, i could go on day long digressions about him if i’m going to be honest, but i’ll make this one brief for the sake of time. right, well for starters, and in my humble opinion, he is the epitome of what makes someone the perfect musician/songwriter. his excellence as a multi-instrumentalist, music producer and music engineer is unprecedented. not to mention, his devotion to what he loves doing in his professional life extends to his personal life as well. his deep infatuation with cars, interior design, travelling and all his other hobbies outside of music is something that resonates with me and one of the first things that drew me to him. i love how passionate he gets about anything and everything he’s into, and i think i can attribute that to him being a true aquarius. now i don’t normally believe in all this astrological nonsense, but i do feel that me being a gemini might be the reason i’m so enamoured with a sweet, calm and passionate aquarius such as Eric Stewart. the bottom line here is, he’s the entire package. i’ve searched far and wide for a musician/celebrity that i can relate to the most and it’s him. we both have gone through similar struggles in life, but funny thing about that is we both speak about our struggles with a sense of optimism, which could very well be attributed to our resilience to such adversities.

as far as writing goes, no i haven’t got a routine. i come from a long line of writers so i feel privileged to have the gift of coming up with poems, story plots, sonnets what have you, all in my head! anytime. anywhere. drives me crazy sometimes. anyway, i do believe Beatle Paul once spoke about having the ability of coming up with song lyrics on a whim. beautiful thing isn’t it, writing? i think anyone who has the gift of writing/songwriting should cherish and foster it, as i do.

oh yes, On The Road has really touched on a personal level this year especially, when i decided to pack my bags and travel 4 days to move from new york to this magical land called california. i do feel like the main protagonist in On The Road, Sal in many ways (minus all the obscenities he gets himself into in the book). Jack Kerouac, is a brilliant author and i do highly recommend you have a look at On The Road. really, it will change your life.

and James Baldwin, eh? well that’s an unfamiliar name but i’m intrigued now that you’ve mentioned him. i’ll have to check out some of his work.

thank you for this wonderful discussion, i do hope we carry on like this. by the way, how’s your christmas decorating going? have you done any holiday shopping yet? (assuming you celebrate christmas. if not, just ignore). i still have to do some decorating at my new place, but i’m just taking things one day at a time. you know how it is.

right well, talk to you soon. thanks for the wonderful chat :)

[raivokasmagma]

In This Moment - The Purge (How they helped me get back to electronic)

Huh, In This Moment coming back with another album and a single.

Bit underwhelming song to my ears. But we'll see how the album turns out. Last album sounded bit tired. And it feels this one continues on the same path.

In This Moment was actually the key, that got me back to industrial, or more electronic music. I used to listen metal for many years, about fifteen years? During last years, I kind of grew tired of metal music. Something about the metal sound just started to sound numbing. Not that impressive? Vocals, yeah, they were impressive, but they didn't made me feel much.

Until I discovered In This Moment. Of course the first song I heard was "Whore". Still amazing song. Maria Brink's vocals ah. Band's sound had something familiar. I didn't realise it at the time.

It was the industrial sound. In This Moment were more on the metal side. But it kickstarted something in my brain, that culminated during the pandemic years. Guess I also got nostalgic, as I turned 30 during it. I used to listen elctro industrial, futurepop, EBM, when I was on my early teen years. Then I developed taste to metal. And it was nice to have other people around who also listened metal. Easier to find friends.

Oh well. Nowadays I'm that weird person who listens artists no common person hasn't heard of. And I'm happy. Write about it here. Little traction, but it's nice to see this blog on Google search sometimes, when I talk about something current. I actually got a "anonymous ask" from one band's singer, thanking me for talking about their project XD

Oh well, time to listen "Whore" once again. Damn it's amazing.

[lovesickheize]

mr insanity. ,˖ 𓆟  𓆝  𓆟

dpr ian (christian yu) x gn!reader

when two mentally unstable strangers find comfort in each other's presence.

⊱ ─────────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ───────── ⊰

wc: 970

tw! this fic might be triggering for some people. it's not extreme, but it is based on the two characters' mental instability. this is pure fiction.

this fic is inspired by dpr ian's music, especially his first album. my main inspiration was the music video and the lyrics of "nerves", so i'd recommend listening to it, while reading this.

▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔༺ ᨦ♡ᨩ༻▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔

and i'm sorry i was hurting too much to know that you were standing right there.

it was a moment of spark in the aeonian darkness.

you were sitting on the cold surface of a tunnel's pavement. it was raining hard outside, but you were too invested in your cigarette, diet coke and music to get scared by the thunder.

there was noone around, people locking themselves in their houses to save themselves from the undying storm. you couldn't care less about the cold. you couldn't care less about anything to be frank.

you were just sitting there, body too dehydrated to shed a tear, in a white t-shirt and sweatpants. life had been such a pain in the ass that month.

you chuckled suddenly, the sound leaving your mouth too sad for a laugh. it was ironic, how a song playing on your 'nostalgia' spotify playlist could describe your life so accurately.

you felt a presence approaching your body. head never turning to acknowledge the person that had just sat right next to you. the mysterious person took off their jacket and placed it on your shoulders. you hadn't noticed you were trembling under the ice cold air up until then.

"thanks." you mumbled, still not looking at the person.

they didn't reply, instead pulling something that sounded like a lighter. you caught a cigarette between their tattoo-filled hands with the corner of your eyes.

"i'm ian." they said.

you finally turned your head, the man in front you looking as dead as you did. "i'm y/n."

a comfortable silence took over once again, joining the sound of the storm. a couple of cigarettes later, you looked at him.

"do your tattoos have a meaning?" you asked the person who you now knew was named ian.

"some of them do, some of them don't. this is my favourite." he lifted his t-shirt's sleeve a little to show you the bald man on his left shoulder. "it's a man who looks at his own brain and realises it is limitless." his voice was deep and raspy, probably because of smoking.

"does it symbolize something?" you asked.

"it's just... you know, overthinking. if our brains weren't limitless, we wouldn't think so much, intrusive thoughts wouldn't dominate our already repetitive grey lives..." he said.

"agreed." you replied, tracing the lined man with your fingertips. "it's really pretty."

"do you have any tattoos?" ian asked.

the hand that was tracing his tattoo was now traveling up your body, reaching your hair and moving it to the side. "i got this crescent moon under my hairline a couple of years ago."

"what does it mean?" ian looked at it, eyes admiring the black lines.

"i just love the moon. ever since i was a child, i liked staying up late and looking at it in silence. it comforted me. still does."

"so beautiful." he murmured.

"you know, the moon usually symbolizes illusions and deception, but i view it as a lonely star. it reminds me of myself when i was a teen. a bright positive person in the middle of darkness and evil. but i never was as strong as the moon, i couldn't bear the malevolent nature of our society, i ended up breaking. that's why i look up to the moon. it's strong and confident. just what i wished i was."

you hadn't noticed how his eyes were stuck on you. "wow." was all he could say. "i'm sorry, i probably talk too m-"

you were interrupted by his lips on yours. you responded to the kiss, letting his tongue enter your mouth. the kiss was passionate, you felt hungry for the feeling he was offering you. his hands made their way to the back of your neck, one of his fingers caressing the moon on it, the other holding your hand. your free hand was intertwined in his soft hair, holding him close.

how a stranger could make you feel so much stuff after such a long feelingless period of your life you couldn't understand. it had been years since the last time you genuinely felt something so intense.

he pulled away, both of you catching your breath. "wanna go for a walk?" he asked.

your hand was still being held by his, you nodding positively. the two of you walked past the tunnel, cigarettes, diet coke, headphones, everything long forgotten behind. you were walking in the rain, knowing damn well it was just the two of you and the water-filled clouds.

you danced in the rain. it had been such a long time since the last time you flashed a smile that was so real. he looked at you being happy, almost dead, but still happy. he turned you around, you held his hands so tightly, he also seemed fine for a moment.

after some time, exhausted as you were, you moved closer to him, leaning your head on his wet by the rain chest. his arms wrapped around you, holding you as warm as they could, soaked as he was.

the rain was still heavy, but you didn't care. he didn't care.

that's all you could remember from that night moments before you left everything behind. the only night you felt genuinely happy, forgetting how cruel life is.

"thank you for making me feel." he whispered

the car's wheels were forced to turn, leading the car towards the hill.

welcome to the show. so, can you stay a little longer, just until i know you see me standing here?