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carmineclock · 6 years

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Dead Man Blues

Doc Scratch 4:28 PM

Its been an hour or so since your big meeting with the others, hopefully things have cooled down somewhat since then. You'd like to think you kept it quite calm and tasteful, despite your overall annoyance. Most of this time you spent updating your journal. You really have to do something about all these journals, its not safe to keep so many. And yet... With a sigh you set your pen aside. Time to do yet more damage control. You still think theres a chance you can get through to Trace, though perhaps you might be as bad as Clover in taht regard. Hoping is one thing, some men just dont change. Still, you make your way down to the holding cells. Perhaps your chat with Trace just needed a more dire backdrop. A broken arm and a cold concrete room with metal bars could be just what the Doctor ordered. Hoo hoo.

Trace 9:01 PM

Dire backdrop is an understatement. Your arm is long swollen, wrapped carefully in your shirt to give it some stability. You know a bit of first aid, but that is surprisingly difficult when it's your own arm and the only means you got available are what you have on your person. The new wound on your chest is just as aching, red and bloody with a hint of gold. You may have managed to pass out for a few hours, but you could hardly call that sleep, especially with that nightmare. Her body, stabbed and strung up - not Aradia's, but Nepeta's. A message to the one closest to her - Fin, angryy setting fire to your very self. The images linger, even long after you finally come to. And then the nightmare after you wake up - Snowman and how she dragged Fin in for your mutual punishment. How she used your wedding rings to violently erase the tattoo on your chest marking your love and relationships. When Scratch enters, you're wide awake, as much as you loathe it. Your mind still feels foggy and worlds away, definitely not prepared for a talk with him.

Doc Scratch 2:28 AM

You study him as you walk in, taking note of the remnants of Snowmans lesson. As graceful as she is deadly, as always. The gold makes a nice addition in your opinion. You take a chair from the nearby table and move it to in front of the bars in silence. After you moment you sit backwards with your arms resting over the back of the chair sit down normally, like a gentleman. This isnt an interrogation, or a call for confession, its just a conversation. "So, lets have it out, Trace. Whats this Droog business really all about. Dont you realize what youve cost yourself?"

Trace 9:51 AM

It never not feels like an interrogation with Scratch. You look up and watch him as he gets comfortable, then stare off to the side when he speaks. The muscles in your jaw tense, and when you reply, your hoarse and cracking voice clearly shows your exhaustion and pain. "Sir.. Do we really need to do this now? I'm not exactly the best for a talk right now and I'm really not too keen on netting me another scar for mouthing off..." Of course, you're aware he wouldn't have it any other time then when you're broken and at your wit's end.

Doc Scratch 11:27 AM

"If you're worried about your mouth, then I suggest you keep a civil tongue. I'm not concerned, though. Theres a kind of freeing honesty that cement walls and metal bars bring that can be found nowhere else. At this point, I would rather you speak freely, its just us now." Just the two of you. Man to man, or whatever Trace can be considered. Its an interesting thought, his classification may change as his DNA did. You'll have to look into that later. For now, your eyes are solely on him. His broken body, his pain. "Tell me true, Trace. I want to hear it. All of it. I wont punish you for speaking truthfully when asked. Its lies I hate the most."

Trace 3:03 PM

You give him a sour smile. You'll believe it when you see it. "What this is about, you really gotta ask?" Feels like you already talked plenty enough about this, and you doubt you got anything else to say that could placate him. Only plenty of frustration that has built up over everything, and you're way too tired to filter your words. Lets see who of the two of you is going to regret that more. "I.. am sorry that any of this ever reflected back on you, Nepeta or any of the Felt. It should never have been anything but personal. Which, I realize... there's not really a personal in this outfit, is there?" you begin, actually honestly. "This... it was nothing more than a brawl between two guys heated up on a little too much emotion. But then this bastard.. abducted Nepeta, tortured and abused her, and then me. Cause he was pissed he got decked in the face. And he kept going, provoking us again and again, paralyzing her, seducing another, hurting us, as a whole, again and again. How could you expect me to do just nothing? You've been sending a signal, to them and to us, that they can just pick members of this very house off the street and do with us what they want." You try to sit up properly to face him better, wincing from the pain shooting through your arm again. "How has this not been a war yet for fuck's sake? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart bit by bit? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart, bit by bit?"

Doc Scratch 6:17 PM

You sit in silence, letting him say what hes going to say. You dont blame him for his views, and if anything, this lashing out may prove beneficial to you. No matter what happens from now on, Droog will have the reminder in the back of his mind. Certainly he wont forget it. Idly, you pull at the edge of your gloves, nodding every so often through his heated speech. Well, hes partially right on certain fronts. It really should have been war by now, whether you wanted it to be or not. The crew have gotten bolder and bolder, could it be your fault? Through inaction, have you allowed the crew more purchase on this slippery slope than you'd intended? "To start off, I'll answer your question. The reason it has not been war yet is because we did not have the numbers to win a war." You let out a silent sigh. "In truth, I'd hoped to collect our full set before provoking the Crew into an all out battle. I dont know how many wars you've seen, Trace, but I've seen enough to know that as much as you and all the others may want to go to war, young men that you are, we are not in a favored position for it. The Crew will always have the love of the common people, they built this city, and those that reside here are their kin. They have the better defenses, and most importantly, they have magic. True magic, the likes of which I cant begin to match." You pause to stand, arms folded behind your back as you pace, speaking more to the open air than to Trace now.

"Snowman is an army in her own right, its folly to compare anything or anyone to her. This little brawl you've had with Diamonds, its beyond reason and a waste of resources besides. If you were provoked into action, then you're a fool, because thats what Diamonds wanted from you. But more than that, you've allowed him to take the higher ground. The city is going to bleed now, I'll see to that, but you've allowed Diamonds to make it personal. And a man on a revenge mission doesnt care for the ruin he causes. I did not take what I've taken of this city for the last fourty years just to see it burned by some self righteous bastard in an Armani tuxedo." Another sigh, louder this time. You rub your temple, pausing in your pacing to look back at him. "Provoking. Abusing. Hurting us. All of us. You're right on that front. What one of us suffers, we all suffer. It was my mistake. I took this for play, the usual violence between men at odds, petty revenge for the sake of sleeping better." “But no, this has gotten well and truly out of hand. And its too late to go back. You’ve signed us up for a a war we were not prepared for, against an enemy whose eyes you’ve spit in, and now you say it should have been sooner. Hmph. Maybe you’re right. I dont hear the heckling of those underneath me, but it would only make sense that you do. So, then, its to be war. Do you have any plans for this war you’ve longed for, Trace? Any soldiers for the army? Connections to supplies and trades? Or did you expect that all you had to do was start it, and that I would finish it?”

Trace 8:05 PM

Well, obviously, you don't have any of these. You didn't plan for a war, let alone prepare for it. This was a selfish and careless act of revenge and he knows that. You're slowly starting to realize that you feel more bewildered about Nepeta's reaction than the prospect of war. This life has already been hell and you're tired of playing along. How little you care about Scratch's achievements and goals. Still, that is not an answer to give your boss and, unfortunately, owner. You close your eyes and think. The least you owe the others is to try And if you've doomed all of you to die and burn, maybe you can at least rip a big hole into the crew. "..How much longer is he gonna have the favor of the common people if he's burning them? If he lashes out without remose and care, use it against them. With fires burning purple, it's not hard to besmirch their name. You have sucked the people dry under threat of violence and torture if they don't pay up. If you lack manpower, offer then alternatives. The crew is torching Felt warehouses. If it's supplies we lack, take theirs. We may be lacking time to prepare, but so do they. It's not too late to gain the upper hand."

Doc Scratch 1:40 PM

You stand and listen as he rattles off his ideas. Theyre not all without merit, but theyre naive, blunt, though its something you've come to expect. How could he possibly have known what he was getting himself, and the rest of the Felt, into. "Hes not burning them, he's burning us. True, it was careless, but Droog wont stay careless. Hes distraught over his daughters death, but he wont stay that way forever. He has as at least as much of a tactical mind as I do, he was built for war." You run a hand over your head, eyes closed in thought, trying not to imagine plumes of purple smoke eating their way through the Felt manor. Purple and green clash too much, it would be hideous. "I have ways of retaking the people, though its not the dregs of society that I'm worried about. All I need is a shiny coin and a loaf of bread to win their loyalty back. We need to spread out. We need bases of operation throughout the city, safe places that arent glaring green mansions on a hilltop. If the Crew want war, we have to play their game." Yes, this is sounding more like a plan every passing second. You almost get carried away, before remembering where you are. This is no time to get caught up in nostalgia. "You know, it would be much easier planning if we had our trackers back. You and Fin have skills that will be of paramount importance coming very soon. Yet, I hesitate to bring you into the fold. Why should I trust that you can stay your hand? That your loyalty to this organization will trump your lust for revenge? You've proven the exact opposite is the case. Give me a reason why I shouldn't just let you sit down here and rot until the war is over with."

Trace 7:47 PM

Hey, can't blame you for trying, considering your situation. The night in here didn't exactly allow you to do your homework. Neither does it help with the next question. You look at him, tired as you are, trying to muster up the energy to defend yourself. Can't say you're, heh, dying to prove your loyalty to him, but wasting away down here in this cell doesn't seem like a solution either. "I... can't live without this organization. And neither can those that I care about. I know that my actions didn't exactly show it, but I want to do what I can to help it succeed and keep us all safe where possible." You'd like to assure him that your thirst for revenge is well-quenched - and for now it is. But should anything happen to Nepeta and Fin in this war you've apparently summoned, things could get ugly really fast. You won't tell him that. He's probably well aware. You'd like to not have to come to that though. "You gave the reason yourself. We're good at what we can do, and without us, this is gonna be much harder to deal with. Sure, it's a risk for you, but I'd be the one out there, risking my neck. It's my blood they're after. I'm not expecting your trust. I'm sure if you send me out there again, you'll be keeping a close eye on me, until I'll maybe have proven myself someday. Not sure what else I can give you besides my word, and I don't think that's much worth to you right now."

Doc Scratch 1:35 PM

"Hmm, its true enough." You sit back down, leaning back as you think. If you were a lesser man, you might consider handing him over to the crew and suing for peace. That would only be a short term fix, though, and probably cause more problems than itd solve. Not to mention youre loathe to lose one piece of the set. "In truth, Trace, I dont blame you for your actions. Not fully. Droog brought his suffering upon himself. We're just lucky he was good enough to burn all the evidence." "At the very least you'll be going back to work soon, though as far away from Fin as possible. Perhaps Crowbar can take up the handle of your keeper. I cant have a mad dog running around doling out a childs version of vigilante justice." "For now, though, youll enjoy these accommodations. Im just having your room prepared."

Trace 1:48 PM

You should probably feel relieved at that response, could have gone much worse, after all. But the feeling of anxiety and dread keeps lingering. "I guess that's only fair." You lean back as well, which sends another pain shooting through your arm. A quiet hiss escapes you. Cursed thing. "Before you leave.. with all due respect, not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you'd find having me lose my arm or my life to an infection practical..."

Doc Scratch 1:55 PM

You were aleady on your way out when he makes his request. Now you pause, and turn slightly. "Does it hurt? Good. Its supposed to. Someone will be down soon to tend to it. Think on your mistakes, and how you can do better in the future." With that, you take your leave, closing and locking the door behind you.

#logs

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roastedlizlow · 6 years

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I actually meant to save a post like this for my 3-year anniversary of writing Code:Realize, but I am most definitely going to forget, since that’s in a few months, so I’ll write it now. Forgive me if these seems a little bit messy; it’s quite an emotional (in a good way!) topic, and I’m a tad bit foggy headed from this dreadful but light head cold.

Basically, this is gonna be long, and rambly. Thank you personal blog for giving me grounds to do this. Absolutely no one asked for this, but you know, I’m in the mood to cry.

My name is Pita Pan, some may know me as Lizzy, I started writing with Code:Realize characters on December 21st, 2015, just after completing the first game. This was back in my senior year of high school (I remember playing routes during breaks at school). This was back under my first Rp blog on this site, and the character I picked up for writing was Arsène Lupin, our poster boy gentleman thief, a man who is very dear to my heart.

I’d like to say Code:Realize and the people I met thanks to it were what really got me into otoge for the long run. I’ve made friends that have improved my life, made every day just a little bit better...

...and I’d like to credit picking up Lupin to a lot of where I am now, writing wise.

If we’re getting technical, my first posts as Lupin were Dec. 22nd. CR was not the first otoge I rped, I opened my first rp blog (a multimuse) writing a few characters, inclusive of some Hakuouki characters (namely, but likely not surprisingly, Heisuke). I actually talk about Hakuouki’s involvement in why I’m into otoge here, but I think if I hadn’t played Hakuouki, I’m not sure I’d have even been aware of Code:Realize. I sure as heck wouldn’t have written it. Of course, while I connected to some of the people there, in the Hakuouki fandom, I ended up feeling closer to the CR ones.

There were a lot of little, behind the scenes details that make this period of time very special to me. I quickly found that I got along with the other CR rpers that gradually popped up -- we were, by all accounts, a tiny, tiny fandom, which isn’t, necessarily, shocking news, considering it’s an otoge fandom.

Anyway, writing skill wise, I wasn’t exactly where I am now (at all actually). Writing with these people made me want to get better. Better at writing Lupin, better at writing in general. I was motivated to reach a point where I felt comfortable with writing, as comfortable as I felt communicating with the other muns.

While I could find many excerpts to display what I’d like to consider my growth, even in writing Lupin, I’ll leave it at linking my AO3 compilation post, and then showing a small excerpt of something from my Lupin blog that I haven’t finished yet. My Lupin is terribly rusty, but that’s what I get for my frequent breaks.

There is not much certainty in how this happened, this attachment. Perhaps it had been searched for, perhaps it had been destined. Fated encounters, meticulously planned meetings… regardless of how things began, there’s no denying the fact that it is because of him that things could work out.

It is because of them that everything has worked out so far. Lupin has found every member of their team pivotal in their plans. They all bring something to the table; making it so the great gentleman thief can accomplish even more.

A man of the streets, a harbinger of justice, taking from the corrupt so that the swept aside may, perhaps, have hope in the world. Tirelessly he decides to work, late nights amount to all this. The rescue of a young lady in distress, one who deserved to live as what she’s always had in her, human.

There’s so much more to them than just being a band of misfit thieves fighting for her truth and what’s right. There’s so more to them than just trying to save

There is no chance of them failing. There is no way they won’t have people to come back to.

About a month after I began writing Lupin, I decided to pick up Victor Frankenstein. Us CR rpers were talking, you see, and we wanted to interact with a Fran, but there existed none. My love for the sweet alchemist came out, and I rolled up my sleeves and I decided to write him myself. I moved Lupin to his own blog the next month.

Fun enough, I didn’t make Impey’s blog until a year after I made Fran. I think I’m rather known for my love for bouncy red-heads, and I have referenced my work on Impey’s blog more often than not, but he, initially, hadn’t been my priority. It’s messy when I say this, but my ‘favorite’ Code:Realize boy has never been clear. At some point, I think I said it was Lupin, at another, Impey. I tend to say it’s Fran now.

Anyway, I love these boys, a lot.

I’d like to think I’m more comfortable writing Fran too, now, from where I was when I started writing him in January 2016. A fairly... comparable example is this AU thread, which I’m currently working through reviewing so I can write a fic based off a cleaner version (it’s got a lot of work to do..!).

He clicks on the light and puts on his glasses, watching his shaky hands, in hopes of stabilizing them, in hopes of reminding himself that that is the past, and the now, should hopefully be better. At least, he wishes it would be. Deep breathes he forces himself to take, and once he steadies out enough, he writes in his journal yet another log. Even if he wants to better the world now, he must never forget what stains him, he can’t let himself abandon it.

More likely than not, his light-brown hair will once again be matted from hours -- days -- of focus, work, stress. Already has fate played him deeply, but within the grip of his cycle of grief and faux hope, Issac Beckford, the guide of London’s amazing advancements, extended his hand, promising Victor sanity, safety, and the tiniest of reparation for his great sins.

Alchemy is supposed to help people, his thoughts circle around as this as he decides to just rise early for the day. No use trying to sleep again, when he knows what plague is in store. He dresses, heading over to his personal lab, provided by Issac to give him the space he needed, and seclusion he thought he deserved. He turns on the circulation so that the fumes don’t ruin him, and puts on a mask so the reactions don’t crumble him, and his green eyes glaze over his work, watching the fizzing, the bubbling, the spilling.

Code:Realize really helped motivate me in writing. I rp’d before it; I wrote fanfics before it. But I really picked up more after working with the rpers of that fandom.

A few of the people I met there are some of my closest friends now! They mean so, so much to me. We entered into other rp fandoms together (collectively, Collar x Malice, but also Ozmafia and FE!), but naturally, things were not tied to solely rp. We yell about otoge together, we fuel each other to go pushing forward. They help keep me company during some of my shakiest moments.

I hope we can stay friends, even longer.

I want to continue improving in my writing. I want to keep writing. I’ve been focusing more on my OCs recently, and on series that aren’t CR, but I still adore it to pieces. It’s simply special to me. The world, the story, the characters, all of them inspired me to keep moving.

Because of CR, I gained much more footing in my interest in otoge (I played Norn9 before CR, but CR is the one that stuck with me, more than Hakuouki too. I’m not even certain I finished the entirety of Hakuouki before CR). Now, I’m an absolute fool with a huge backlog (but I’m happy!). Otoge, I’d say, really gave me something to ground myself in. I’ve always loved reading. I’ve been writing for years. But the inspiration that I’ve gotten from otoge is outstanding.

I think CR is one of the games that also helped settle in some of my current favorite seiyuu too.

CR may not be ‘categorically’ my favorite, but it’s important to me, to who I am now. I remember the day I bought the game. A few weeks after launch, I found a pre-owned copy at a GameStop, and I bought it with the money I got for my birthday. What was pretty much a birthday present changed a lot!! Code:Realize is just so, so important to me!

If you read this little (long) love ramble, thank you. I really love to talk about my interests, and I know I don’t get into specifics of characters and why the three that are so difficult to distinguish bias between are my faves (although, if you think about it, they may still reflect well on my types...). I think being able to talk about Collar x Malice a bit made me want to do this more, even if if just seems like a bunch of chatter.

Everyone, I sincerely hope you will continue to support my writing, my love for otoge, and myself.

#roasted and toasted (and not boasted!) even lizlow's gotta give a lowdown; rambles #whoo this is messy but check it (i'm emotional)

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beowulfs-booty-call · 6 years

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Professor Willow for that character challenge

Me, currently about to go writing another field journal report: Plz don’t judge me Arceus. You MADE him like this.

Sexuality Headcanon: Honestly all professors are gay end of story. waioesjdfi I’m gonna say gay. Simply because there isn’t anything straight about him too like have you seen the way he dressed himself? Literally gay athlete who douses himself with the sports bottle he carries with him.

Gender Headcanon: Male. Just your average guy who dedicated himself to Pokemon and has been traveling the world to stretch his research internationally. (Probably was a Gen 1 fan at first seeing as Oak is his mentor) What an icon™

A ship I have with said character:

Willow and the GO™ trainer (Aka all of us awfesdg)

Willow and his star field researcher! (I have yet to, but I’m gonna be drawing up a series of like one shots between me and him because Y E S)

A BROTP I have with said character:

Oak / Willow = “Wow dad you’re so old.” “Look in the mirror smartass” The two are... Well, one may be the teacher, but both are rivals in the way they’ve studied Pokemon. I’d say Willow is more than eager to surpass his old teacher and learn more, but Oak’s still on the cusp of teaching him that knowledge and wisdom comes with both age and experience, not just talent.

Willow / Sycamore = Sycamore teaches him how to flirt but all he can say in French is Omelette du fromage. Sycamore just gives him a thumbs up and nods. Also likes to talk to Willow about his thoughts on Lysandre and other presumptions of Mega evolution. Currently, the professor has been researching it with me!

Willow / Kukui = Nut Oil

The two are super super close in terms of being pretty darn compatible! One likes to trek the world, the other likes to TAKE Pokemon moves front and forward. I’d say they’d both pull up at the gym to compare research before getting down to it (Don’t think like that, ya nasties. Unless you DM about it so I can die with you on it.)

I’d say because they’re the most newest professors to be “here”, they’re more than eager to prove their work, but once the Professor told me that he’s worked in Alola for a short while to get a better understanding of Z moves... I wonder if he has a Z ring..? I heard those are WAY special, even for a regular guy like me!

Willow / Juniper = Can you imagine if Willow like, had a past with her / knew her when he was younger and they had a “thing”? Like, maybe not BF / GF but like, openly flirting with each other but neither actually taking a step. They’re close friends regardless and do like to chat when free... But I think internally, Juniper’s greatest “regret” would be similar to Agatha: She never really had time for romance or for being “a simple person” since she’s always gonna be Professor Juniper: Woman extraordinaire. And I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, what I’m getting at is: Juniper is the pillar of stability for Unova as a professor, so, she doesn’t have time devoted to being anything else but that. I like to think that she and willow have that in common; The desire to be unique, yet... Also the desire to be a normal person too.

In reality, it’s probably Willow who reminds her that everyone can be that too: Self care’s important as if you don’t take care of yourself... How the hell you gonna take care of anybody else can I get an amen?

It’s that reasoning that causes Juniper to take Bianca as her assistant: not just to give her help round the lab but to help Bianca form her identity like she wanted to with the help of the BW protagonist as we see in her Dreamlink battle.

Willow / Elm = He... Doesn’t know Elm much since Elm’s more than happy to take time to simply work on Pokemon breeding and abilities, but the two get along alright. In reality, Elm was the one who gave Willow advice / basics of Pokemon eggs and helps him develop theorems based on what eggs can hatch what Pokemon we have now! TBH, I’d say if given the chance, Willow is literally the “Cool guy” at the party and Elm is the “Hey I’m just here for the dog” dude. They both bond over Candela’s growlithe who was hatched out an egg and had ice fang as a move.

Willow / Masked Royal = Willow keeps a poster of him in his lab! (I had to REALLY get him to get me one too, god, so lucky!) He’s a fave of the professor and even Willow has been “trying” to wrestle! Tho, given how much he’s had to be bandaged afterwards, and Kukui prolly told him how he once got guillotined by a Vikavolt I don’t think it’s a good idea... That said one time the professor showed up to alola to see a match and the Masked Royal invited him to fight against him and boy oh boy I STILL wanna hear what happened! Supposedly the joint said it was one of their biggest events yet! The headliner?

“Rag-tag wannabe Wrestler sizes up the comp. with the Masked Royal! Blow to blow and and Pokemon to Pokemon, there is no competition without motivation!”

Willow and the other assistants =

Spark: “Thanks so much for Mcdonalds dad!”

“Dad?”All three, eating a McFlurry in summer ‘17: “Dad.”

Honestly Willow trusts them a great deal and it’s obvious he’s the guiding hand to their exploits and understandings of their own journeys. Blanche learns about the power of emotion and trusting in others, Candela learns about taking things easier and letting go, and Spark understands the essence of both knowledge and power: He still walks the middle path.

He sees aspects of himself in each of them, but I’d say that’s his favorite thing about them: it reminds him he’s still growing and journeying on his own too!

A NOTP I have with said character:

Child characters as a whole

A random headcanon: Willow once tried out to be a Pokemon ranger, but in regions and times where Rangers aren’t “very well used” globally aside from Fiore and certain other places, Willow dedicated himself instead to research as he was more so interested with reading his Styler’s bestiary rather than to simply befriend Pokemon alone.

Because of this, he can still USE a capture styler, and he’s a fairly good ranger, but in spite of the effort to BE a ranger, he’s much more better and tossing curve balls and getting an “Excellent” on a jigglypuff!

General Opinion over said character:

Daddy of my ass

And the coolest professor thus far! There’s a lot of things unsaid about him but man... I’m totally here for him! And not JUST because he’s cute as fuck. He’s always a caring character who watches your trainer grow and motivates you to keep on going forward!

It’s hard not to like that when you’re playing the game and incorporating that in your daily life!

I think unconsciously I also still have that big dad issues thing where that when I have a father figure in life, I WANNA do things to make them proud because of the little to no relationship with my own father. I’ve done that with my high school teacher, and I’ve cried when I saw that in Lisa’s Substitute from the Simpsons. It reaches into that for Willow to be so welcoming and a breath of fresh air, it’s turned into a “I wanna do this not JUST to be praised for it. I wanna do it because it’s for ME.” instead. I mean, I’ve grown from the person I was, but there’s still the need for wanting to make someone proud and to see that Willow is pretty big now on measuring your journey now with these daily tasks, I think that sorta makes me idk more grateful for a character like that?

My feelings for the dude as a whole started out as thirst, but it’s become more of a psychoanalysis of my own relationships with men and my “types” as a whole. I quite like that, since he isn’t so “detailed” as it stands. It gives me more of a chance to make him out to be instead something I want to be, rather than what I just find ideal.

Pfftt, sorry, it sounds rather complicated, but really saying? Willow is kinda like the new beginning I wanna start for myself for a long time. I’ve reached it, but it’s the fact that he’s such a cool character that it’s really just me projecting wanting to be that cool on a character that COULD really be amazing. I’d say I’ve reached that coolness now, being myself. So, only thirst remains.

#Wulf answers #thank you so much for asking Jordi!!!#Fave #Professor Willow #Pokemon GO #Pokemon #Character ask meme #Ask meme #Asks #wolf-beil

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jinkisbelly · 7 years

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Hourglass 2/2

Pairing: Onkey in all forms and ways ^-^, and side jongho

Word Count: 22,824 (gonna break it down into two parts so it isn’t too long)

Rating: Pg-13, some NC-17

Warnings: A few main character deaths in past lifetimes, Transgender lifetime, a mention of abuse

Summary: Just shy of his 28th birthday Kibum realizes the detailed dreams plaguing his nights the last few months are actually memories of his past lives, tethering him to another soul throughout time and space. He feels like he’s running out of sand in the hourglass of this lifetime to find them.

first part

special thanks to my muffin ( @subbyjonghyun) and sugarplum ( @tofnew) for putting up with my spam and helping me get through writing this. Couldn’t have finished without you both <3

Jinki: I’m so excited for tonight

Kibum smiled softly at the message scrolling across the top of his phone, but then he heard the soft voices of Minho and Jonghyun and his expression fell slowly. It had been a week since he had said anything to his friend more than just passing greetings. Although Minho’s lack of belief in his dreams being more than just dreams hurt him, he still missed his friend immensely. He had noticed Jonghyun had been over more and after knowing Minho for almost 2 decades he knew the man always needed extra affection when he was upset.

Kibum: I’ve been looking forward to it all week ^^

He tossed his phone on the bed next to him and stared at his closed bedroom door for a moment before pushing off and slowly opening the door. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but avoiding him was doing nothing to fix the problem at hand and anything was better than that at this point. The squeak of his door hinge opening caused the two men on the couch to look his way. He swallowed thickly as he closed the door behind him and moved down the rest of the hall. Minho was looking at him with such an open vulnerable expression it hurt. “Do you have time to talk for a moment?”

“Ye-yeah!”

Jonghyun smiled as he stood up and pressed a kiss to Minho’s head, softly saying, “Call me later, okay?” He grabbed his things, nodded his head toward Kibum before slipping on his shoes and heading out the door. With him gone the tension fell around them once again it seemed and Kibum was stuck feeling awkward and nervous all at once.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you this last week. I didn’t know how to move through my own thoughts and feelings and-”

“Wait, Kibum.” Minho stood, slowly blinking for a moment before continuing. “You were distraught, scared and anxious. You came to me for support, to be your friend and help you through it, and all I did was basically say you were overreacting and it wasn’t anything. I should be sorry Kibum.”

“No I... it is a crazy thought that these dreams are anything other than an overactive imagination.” Kibum looked at his feet, dejected and aching in his chest, but he had to come to terms with that. Thinking anything different caused more harm than anything.

“I believe you.”

Kibum’s head snapped up so fast it almost hurt. “What?”

“I believe you. I was talking with Jonghyun, I hope you don’t mind that, and he believes you. He got so excited over the concept of a soulmate, he was intrigued to know about your dreams. I wasn’t looking at this like a friend. I was looking at this with a very critical mindset, and I’m sorry.”

“You do?”

Minho smiled gently, “Yeah. I know you have a date tonight, but until then why don’t you tell me about all the dreams and we’ll start figuring this out.”

“Ming,” He breathed out softly, emotions getting the better of him as he walked around the couch to hug him. “Thank you.”

The man squeezed him tightly, “Thank you for coming out here.”

When they parted Kibum held his hand up, “Lemme go get my journal really quick… and on second thought my phone. Jinki’s probably wondering why I haven’t responded yet.”

-----

This time Kibum was the one speed walking down the rain covered street to get to the movie theatre. The traffic had been so horrid he had asked the taxi to let him out almost five blocks down the road. Jinki was leaning against the wall under the big awning and a big smile spread across his face when he recognized Kibum maneuvering through the mass of people. He shook off his hair and coat from the rain with an apologetic smile, “I’m so sorry I’m late.”

“It’s okay,” He pushed off the wall and pulled the tickets from his pocket. “I already got the tickets, so we don’t have to wait in that atrocious line.”

“How about I get the snacks in payment?” In reply, Jinki offered his hand, palm up, and Kibum hesitantly curled their fingers together. He let out a relieved breath and softly said, “This is nice.”

“Hopefully you think that past like 20 seconds,” Jinki chuckled, “If we don’t get snacks soon we’re gonna be late for the movie even with the commercials.”

He groaned at the sight of the snack lines’ length, but Jinki led him over to one and they waited, hands held between them. They made soft conversation about work, Kibum shared the funny story about the old lady who wanted hot coffee with ice in it, and Jinki mentioned the student who wrote post to be instead of supposed to be in a senior level lab report.

“Post to be? Like going to the post?”

“Yeah,” Jinki sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his right hand, “You think it gets better as the grade level increases, but it gets so much worse. I had a class of seniors where the highest grade on the first test was a 20 out of a hundred. I about cried. We spent the entire class period beforehand going over the test exactly. I literally gave them the answers and they still fucked it up.”

“That sounds incredibly frustrating.” Kibum glanced around the man in front of him to see how close they were to the front of the line and frowned deeply when they were nowhere near it. “My biggest frustration is there are some people who read my books and will do everything to erase that the two main characters are trans. It’s not mentioned in great detail, but it is canon that they’re both trans. People will completely ignore that part of the book and live by the fact that they’re both CIS.” He flashed a smile with a little laugh, “Sorry, it bothers me a lot.”

“As it should.” Jinki’s nose scrunched up, cutely Kibum noticed. “Erasing someone’s identity, fictional or not, is frustrating on the basic level. If you think about it more in depth it gets even more complicated.”

The more he listened to Jinki talk about anything, the more he felt he was supposed to run into him at the university.

-----

After the movie let out the area outside the theatre’s front doors was a lot less crowded. Jinki was sipping at his icee with one hand and holding Kibum’s left hand with the other. “I had a really great time.”

Jinki smiled brightly over at him. “I did too. The movie was even better than I expected.”

“Did you want to grab something to eat?” He softly asked, “There’s a diner down the road that serves the best burgers.”

“That sounds good actually,” As they continued to walk they finally noticed the rain had stopped. Jinki smiled gently, “It seems the universe is telling us to definitely get burgers.”

Their intertwined hands swung between them as Kibum gently led him the right direction. His hand was warm and small compared to Kibum’s, but it was like it was meant for him to hold they fit so nicely together. He had to remind himself not to gaze for too long, but it proved difficult with how beautiful Jinki was and the memories of his dreams associated with the same face. Someone running down the sidewalk, knocking Jinki straight into him, took him from his thoughts. He wrapped his free arm around Jinki, turning to get him stabilized and away from the person who had run into him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Jinki’s warm voice quietly answered. He gazed up at him softly and smiled, “Thanks.”

“Oh, you’re welcome,” Kibum whispered, eyes flicking momentarily to his lips. He thought about kissing him, but he didn’t want to go too fast and scare him off. He was sure Jinki had looked at his own lips, however but had he read it all wrong? In the end, he let him go, hand slipping from around him slowly. “People should really look where they’re going.”

Kibum moved to continue down the sidewalk, but Jinki stayed firm in his spot and tugged him back by his grip on his hand. “C’mere.”

He stepped back in front of him hesitantly. Jinki was looking up at him through his lashes, tongue running over his bottom lip slowly, and hand moving around his waist. “Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?” His breathing hitched, but he managed to mumble out a yes. Jinki’s smile was soft and slow as he pushed up, pressing their lips together gently. It wasn’t a very long kiss, but Kibum pressed back when they parted and Jinki recuperated the kiss easily. When they withdrew Jinki chuckled softly and Kibum frowned slightly. Jinki noticed quickly and shook his head. “That was great Kibum. I’ve just… never been the one to kiss so early. It just felt, right? If that makes any sense.”

It was like something slid into place inside him and he felt the burning feeling in his chest. “It makes perfect sense.”

Jinki squinted and playfully asked, “Are you sure we’ve never met before?”

“100 percent in this lifetime.”

The man froze for a moment at the last word, but then he was smiling and asking, “So burgers?”

-----

Kibum hung his keys up on the hook near the front door beside Minho’s as he kicked his shoes off. He picked them up by the back and shuffled into the living room. Jonghyun and Minho were curled up watching a movie, laughing at the scene playing out in front of them on the television screen. After he and Minho had gone over his dreams Jonghyun had been called to resume their plans of watching a movie. They glanced at him for a moment before the movie was paused. Minho turned more to the left, his arm over the back of the couch, as he asked, “Did someone get a kiss?”

Kibum scuffed, “What makes you ask that?”

“Because your dimple is showing you’re smiling so much.” Minho snickered. He was smiling softly as he asked, “So how was it?”

“Soft and warm.” Kibum ran his fingers on his free hand through his hair and gave a shy smile. “Just like him.”

Jonghyun giggled quietly, “Someone’s falling in love.”

Kibum made a high pitch noise in his movement to flee from the statement. Both men on the couch laughed hard at his expense.

-----

The Laene Kingdom, mid 15th century.

“Oh come now Jinki,” Gwiboon looked back at him, thick furs tight around his body. “It’s a few 100 feet and a well timed floating spell. Easy Peasy.”

Jinki mumbled something under his breath as he stared off the cliff. His voice was louder in his protest. “I’m not doing it. Let’s just take the long path down the mountain.”

“That’s a good two weeks with the blizzard against the rocks. Maybe more. There's powerful magic protecting this place.” She stepped forward and cupped his cheek, “We both know you can’t last much more than that. We don’t want them coming into the world on a mountaintop.”

“You’re right,” He scowled, “But you can’t let go of my hand the entire way down.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” She held her hand out and his soft fingers curled around them quickly.

He glared at her, “You are a dangerous woman.”

“I know I am.” She beamed before leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. “Ready?”

“No, but let’s get this over with.”

She made sure the packs on her shoulders were completely closed tightly and gave his hand a squeeze. “Don’t worry about the spell. I have you.” When Jinki nodded Gwiboon gave another smile. “On your count.”

Jinki took a deep breath and mumbled the numbers. On three they jumped. The wind rushing past their ears slowed as Gwiboon muttered the spell. She moved to wrap both arms around him, his forehead pressed into her chest as he squeezed his eyes shut. It seemed like they were falling forever by the time Gwiboon’s warm voice could be heard in his ear. “Step down Jinki. We’re safe.”

He slowly put his foot down and he let off a breath of relief. “I almost want to kiss the ground.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Gwiboon snorted. She gave his hand a squeeze, “The village is just up the road.”

“There’s heated homes right?”

Gwiboon dipped her head down to nuzzle into his shoulder affectionately, hand moving from holding his to curl around his waist, fingers curling in the soft furs wrapped around him. He shifted a little to kiss the top of her head as she replied, “Yes Baby. You’ll be the coziest bumpkin ever.”

The images around them swirled as they continued, the blizzard blowing rapidly through the dense forest. Jinki’s heat spell was helping take some of the blunt force away from splattering them in the face repetitively, but when the small village could be seen in the close distance relief filled them both. The bridge leading into the village was icy, but Gwiboon led him across with a sure hand on his lower back. A few people rushed from their homes to greet them. Over her travels, she had met many people and gained a few great friends. One being Minjung, the matron protector of the village. She was waiting in front of their inn, lantern clasped in her hands and a big smile on her face as her hood blew slightly against her cheek. The wards around the village protected it from most of the wind, snowflakes falling slowly and peacefully from the sky.

“I am happy you have both made it.” She beamed at Jinki, “And before your little one. I have rooms ready for you. Come.”

Jinki was safe. For a moment in time, Gwiboon wasn’t worried about losing him and she could enjoy becoming a mother. It was like the war, enemies, and atrocities across the mountains wrapping around the valley… didn’t exist.

----

Kibum paused the television show on his laptop when his phone began to ring on the nightstand. “Hey, you~”

“How was your day? It has been so busy these last couple weeks I could barely look at the phone.” Kibum smiled at the soft, cute tone of his voice, and the quiet noise of his body moving over sheets. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. I had a meeting with my publisher over the last few chapters review deadline early this morning and then I gave myself a break.” Kibum took a small drink of his tea and mumbled, “By watching Netflix for seven hours.”

“Some small break there,” Jinki chuckled sweetly, “Have you eaten anything?”

“Some chips that were Minho’s a few hours ago.” Kibum hummed, “Why do you ask?”

“I keep canceling on you. The last two months we’ve only been together for half of it.” Jinki laughed a little, “I was thinking of coming and cooking for you if you want to. Have a night in.” Kibum swallowed thickly. Nerves bubbled up in him at the idea of Jinki being at his place, cooking for him in his kitchen, and oh god, meeting Minho. “I know I’ve never been to your place. It’s okay if you think it’s moving too quickly or-”

“I’d really like you cooking for me.” Kibum breathed out, a warm, light feeling in his chest. “I’ll send you my address okay? Come around 6?”

“Six it is.” The happiness in his voice made Kibum feel fuzzy. “I’m a very good cook, just so you know.”

“I’m hoping so.” Kibum snorted, “I ain’t gonna eat it if it’s gross.”

Jinki laughed wholeheartedly, warm and deep. Kibum swooned.

-----

He glanced at his reflection for what had to be the hundredth time in the last 15 minutes as he ran his hands over the sweater over his frame. He had sent a message to Minho about how Jinki was coming over tonight. The man had sent him a winky face and the eggplant emoji in response. Kibum had ignored him ever since. He was fidgeting with the collar of the sweater when he heard the doorbell ring. He swung out of the room quickly and almost tripped over the rug in the hall. The doorbell rung again and he cursed softly before calling out, “Coming~ One second.” A moment later he was removing the chain from the door and swung it open with a big smile. Jinki was standing there with big eyes, a brown paper bag in his arms, “Hello Cutie.”

He blushed, “Hey.”

“Come on in.” Kibum stepped back and took in Jinki’s full appearance as he walked into the apartment. His sweater was big, but tight around his hips. His hair was pushed out of his eyes, swept over to the side and curling around his ears a bit. “The kitchen is just to the right.”

“I was thinking of making tacos.” Jinki placed the bag on the counter and begun to empty the contents out across the surface. “Since I canceled on the food truck festival.”

“Ooo Tacos.”

Jinki laughed, “I’m glad, I was nervous you would want something else.”

Kibum leaned on his palms, elbows on the counter, and he smiled, “No, no, anything would have been fine. I’m glad you suggested this. I’ve missed you.”

After emptying the bag completely Jinki leaned over the counter to softly kiss him. Kibum deepened the kiss making Jinki give a breathy laugh as they pulled away. “I can see.”

-----

Their empty plates were back on the kitchen counter, left there once they had finished eating and moved into the living room to watch one of the possible movies Jinki had brought with him. The first movie was just about over, the credits were about to play when they heard the door being opened slowly. Two voices could be heard, taking their attention completely from the television set. Stepping through was Minho, followed shortly by Jonghyun being tugged in by his hand. Kibum frowned deeply. He was supposed to have the apartment for the night. Of course the one night he asks for it Minho would forget.

“Oh~” Minho happily sounded as he turned toward the couch. “You must be Jinki.”

Jinki glanced back at Kibum for a moment, “Minho, the roommate.” He mumbled quietly in response.

“Ah,” Jinki turned again with a big smile, holding out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Minho gently took the hand before turning toward Jonghyun, “And this is my boyfriend-”

“Kim Jonghyun.” Jinki finished his sentence with a smile. “We know each other from the biology department.”

Jonghyun quietly asked, “What’s that smell?”

“Oh we made tacos,” Jinki happily commented, “Here, let me join you. I kind of want another one.”

As soon as he and Jonghyun walked out of the room Kibum stood up and punched Minho straight in the shoulder. Minho hissed, “What the fuck was that for?”

“Remember when I texted you telling you I had a date,” Kibum scowled deeply before hissing, “And I told you I wanted the apartment?”

“Oh.” Minho’s eyes widened, “Oh oh.”

“Yeah Oh,” Kibum huffed.

Minho leaned down on the back of the couch with a smirk, “Are you going to break your dry spell?”

“I don’t know,” Kibum nervously pushed his fingers through his hair, “I do want the opportunity to have the choice to.”

“Gotchu, I gotchu.” Minho saluted playfully. “Count us out.”

Kibum groaned at how embarrassing his best friend was, but he fondly gazed over at Jinki when he came back into the room followed by Jonghyun stuffing a taco into his mouth. “These are delicious I want to marry them.”

Minho gave him a side eye. “Tacos or me?”

Jonghyun stared at the taco for a second and Minho whined. The shorter man kissed his cheek. “You Babe, definitely you.”

“I forgot that Kibum had a date tonight so, let’s go over to your place baby.” He smiled down at Jinki as the other man was getting comfy on the couch near Kibum, “It was nice to meet you Jinki.”

“You too, Minho,” Jinki softly mumbled, lifting his head from Kibum’s shoulder to smile up at him. “And Jonghyun maybe I’ll tell you the taco recipe at the next general biology department meeting.”

As they walked out Minho could be heard saying, “I like him. Can we keep him?”

Jinki snorted, “I guess they like me.”

Kibum kissed his hair, “I know I do.”

After a moment Jinki softly asked, “Do we have to watch the next movie?”

“Did you have something else in mind?”

“A little.” Jinki shifted, resting on his knees and hand skimming over Kibum’s shoulder over the back of his neck to play with the hair brushing against his skin. “Now that we’re alone again.”

“Oh,” Kibum quietly said and he softly gasped when Jinki moved his thigh to straddle him, settling over his lap. Hesitantly he rested his hands on Jinki’s thick thighs, gazing up at him as Jinki moved to kiss him. His arms went around his neck, smile on his lips as he leaned closer to brush their noses together. “You sure know how to get what you want.”

Jinki chuckled, breath warm and soft against Kibum’s lips. “This is just the beginning.”

He moved his hands over his thighs, squeezing a little as he asked, “Not that I don’t enjoy this, but what brought this on?”

“I heard you.” Jinki laughed quietly when Kibum blushed, “We don’t have to have sex tonight, but I do want to kiss you a lot right now.”

-----

As he laid Jinki down among his blankets he blushed, softly saying, “Please excuse all the loose papers of my manuscript around the room.”

“I’m sitting here in a sweater and no pants,” Jinki stated as he worked on kissing Kibum’s exposed neck, a gentle laugh rolling off his lips. “The not-really-clutter clutter is not on my mind.”

Kibum curled his fingers around his right thigh, tugging it up until it was pressed against his hip, fingers cutting into the skin causing Jinki to hiss slightly. “I do like you without pants on.”

Jinki rose just enough to pull his sweater off his frame and tugged Kibum back down to kiss him. His thighs opened easily, allowing Kibum to rest against him comfortably. His cock could be felt through his boxers and Kibum groaned against his skin when Jinki rose his hips to grind against him. His skin was smooth and warm, and Jinki made such beautiful little noises with each touch.

He moved to kiss down his jaw, down his neck to suck gently at his adams apple, before moving down to his chest and his soft stomach. Familiar images flashed through his head as if this wasn’t their first time together. He rose, pushing his palms against his eyes as he hissed. Jinki sat up quickly, hands soft on his shoulders as he asked gently, concerned, “Hey, Kibum what’s wrong?”

“It hurts,” He hissed. “I can’t- Fuck.”

Jinki wrapped his arms around him, tugging him down to lay on the bed, “Breath through it. Where is your

“Uh,” Kibum couldn’t really think clearly with the pain throbbing so harshly, “Top shelf in the bathroom I think.”

He felt the bed move as Jinki left, heard the door click open and then close as he returned. “Here. Drink this.”

He squinted as he removed his hands and opened his eyes. Jinki was standing there with a glass of water and a tiny bottle of painkillers. Once swallowed, Jinki smiled, putting the cup on the table and climbing back into bed on the other side. Kibum frowned, “I’m sorry I ruined the mood.”

Jinki shrugged, legs crisscrossed and arms around the pillow he was hugging, and a smile on his face as he gazed over at him. “It’s okay. We don’t have to have sex tonight Kibum.”

“I really wanted to though,” Kibum whined, causing Jinki to laugh loudly. When the man moved to get dressed Kibum grabbed his wrist gently. “You don’t have to go. You can still sleep here.”

He looked a little awkward still half on the bed, but he slowly sat back down, eyes soft and vulnerable. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” Kibum shifted a little, grimacing at the pain in his head. “Turn the main light off and c’mere.”

Once settled Jinki softly asked, “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better without the light.” They could still see the other’s face dimly with the light coming from the window. Kibum moved Jinki’s hair from his face with a smile, “You’re really beautiful.”

He blushed, head dipping a little under his arm that was under his head. “You’re making me flustered.”

“I love you.”

Jinki looked like he was about to cry when he looked up at him, lips parted a little for a moment before he asked, “What did you just say?”

“I love you.” He whispered, cupping his cheek with a fond smile, “I love you Jinki.”

Kibum was softly kissed then. Jinki was careful with him, not pushing too far before pulling away with a content sigh. “I love you too.”

------

The Laene Kingdom, mid 15th century.

Gwiboon held her bag tighter on her shoulders and held back her tears as she started over the main bridge leading away from the village. Jinki was asleep in the rooms provided for them by Minjung, their new babies sleeping in their cribs next to him. He would wake up in a few hours to an empty bed and a note sealed with a kiss on the nightstand near his head. He would be furious with her for leaving. He’d scream and yell and probably burn a few things until it all drained out of him and all that was left was the sheer heartache of being left behind. She had to do this. She was going to protect him, their family, until her last breath, and with the news of them being followed reaching her a few weeks prior she wasn’t going to risk it. The village was the safest in the world, but when it came to him…. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath, looking back once more for a moment before descending the bridge and stepping into the thick snow. The further she was away from them, the safer they’d be.

Kibum shifted in his sleep, nose scrunching before turning over and settling back to sleep with a soft sigh.

It had been months since she had stood on this bridge. Almost eight to be exact since she left Jinki and their family with a kiss to the head and a note in the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure what was waiting for her, but with the war officially over, the man hunting her like a dog being dead and burned, she finally felt safe enough to return to him. The cobblestone road had a fresh layer of snow, many people moving through the village in the midafternoon sun, but she saw him through it all. He was sitting on the step in front of the home they had been given, and Gwiboon swallowed thickly seeing the two little bundles sitting in the snow playing. Gods, they had gotten so big.

He was smiling so big she could almost hear him laughing. She stood almost frozen in her spot, gazing at him. She felt as if she didn’t belong anymore. Eight months was such a long time to be apart from someone, especially for them who had never been apart for more than a week. She had missed so much in the effort to protect them. Just when she was questioning if now was the right time to return Jinki’s head rose, his eyes catching sight of her across the street. She could see the shock visible through his features. He turned for a moment talking to Minjung sitting on the chair up on the porch. Minjung’s eyes found her and a smile spread across her face as she nodded her head, pushing off the chair to sit next to the small children after Jinki stood from his spot.

So many people around them, but as he walked toward her no one else mattered. His eyes were glossy, bottom lip through his teeth as he hissed back a breath, just before painfully saying, “How dare you leave me with nothing but a note.”

“Jinki- I-”

“You planned this all along. You brought me here to leave me behind and I was stupid enough to believe you wanted to settle down for just a little while with me.” He landed a blow into her chest with his loosely held fist. “I deserved more. I deserved to say goodbye.”

“I know. I know you did.”

“You’re a coward.” He hissed, hitting her in the chest again. “Eight months without a single message, not a raven, nothing. For all, I knew you had... Died.”

“I couldn’t risk them finding you… hurting you to get to me.” Her voice was almost full of sadness, almost begging him to forgive her, as she grabbed his small hands into hers to stop him from hitting her chest.

“You never did get it.” He quietly stated, shaking his head for a moment. He looked up and his voice broke as he said. “I was always safest by your side, Gwiboon.”

“I am sorry,” She hesitantly moved to wipe the tears falling from his cheeks, before moving her thumb across the skin. “But I promise you from this day forward I will never leave you again. It is over. All of it.”

“It’s over?” He quietly asked, shock adamant in his voice.

“Completely.” Jinki almost jumped into her arms. His arms around her neck, pushing up to kiss her so firmly that she almost lost her balance all the way. Her arm came up to settle him against her. When he parted from her she pecked his lips again. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He laughed quietly at himself before softly stepping back, grabbing her hand. “Come. Your children are a lot different than when you left.”

One was sitting in her lap a few moments later, the other looking up at her with big ole eyes, and Jinki was leaning on her shoulder. It was then Jinki admitted, “I wish to stay here. I wish to make here home.”

She reached over to squeeze his hand on her knee. “It already is home.”

------

Jonghyun bounced into the room happily. Jinki shifted a little in his spot with his legs over Kibum’s lap in order to see the man as his voice could be heard. “Did you ask him yet?”

“No,” Jinki replied, voice muffled with the ice cream covered spoon in his mouth.

“Ask me what?” Kibum asked as he took his eyes off the television.

“If you wanted to play softball with us,” Jinki replied, head resting on Kibum’s shoulder comfortably. “The university is having a faculty game before school starts again and one of our players had to drop last minute. Would you want to?”

“I haven’t played since middle school, but sure.” He laughed sweetly when Jinki kissed his cheek, gently lapping at the bit of ice cream left by his lips.

“Thank you, Babe.”

Jonghyun just sipped his lemonade through his straw with a small, highly amused smile.

-----

Rockford, Illinois 1945

Gwiboon wrapped her dressing gown tighter around herself as she moved to open the door. Most of the other girls in the house had already retired to their rooms and there would be no reason for their coach to be knocking on her door so late in the night with the curfew put into effect still. She clicked the lock open and quietly opened the door. She smiled so wide when Eunsook came into view. A shawl was wrapped around her shoulders, long hair curled up into a messy hairdo, and a soft, slow smile curled on her face. Her lips were painted red, her signature. Gwiboon softly whispered, “I wasn’t sure you were coming back this year.”

Eunsook pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before she smiled sweetly, “But how will you ever have hopes of winning this year without me?”

“Have you found your room?”

“I have. It’s down the hall to the right.”

Gwiboon stepped away from the door without a word. Eunsook entered the room all the way. Her hat was gently removed from her head, some of her hair falling from the pins as she laid the accessory on Gwiboon’s vanity. She heard the door click close, the lock being slid into place and Gwiboon’s bare feet across the wooden floors before she felt the woman’s arms moving around her middle and her lips against her neck. “Oh, how I’ve missed you.”

Eunsook leaned her head to the left, giving the other woman open access to her neck. “I always looked forward to your letters.”

She locked eyes with Eunsook through the mirror for a moment before reaching up to begin to remove all the pins in her hair. The long, soft locks began to fall around her gently, cupping her face beautifully. Her shawl was placed next to her hat and Gwiboon watched her delicate fingers begin to unbutton the top of her dress until it fell around her ankles as it passed her wide hips. She turned after the last pin was removed and looked up at Gwiboon through her long lashes, teeth cutting into her bottom lip and removing some of her lipstick along with it. Gwiboon rubbed her thumb over the smudged area slow and firm.

Eunsook’s eyes were gazing up at her as she moved her finger over her lips, removing most of her lipstick. The slightly shorter woman opened her mouth causing Gwiboon’s fingers to fall against her tongue. Gwiboon’s breathing stuttered as the woman lapped at her fingers. Her eyes fluttered as Eunsook gently pulled at the string holding her dressing gown closed, cool fingers moving against warm skin, and up to cup one of her bare breasts. “Oh, Sookie.”

When Gwiboon removed her fingers Eunsook grinned, stepping forward until she had backed the woman up against the bed. She pushed lightly, causing Gwiboon to fall backward. She removed her bra, shimmed out of her panties, and smiled as the other woman sat up to wrap her arms around the curve of her beautiful waist. Gwiboon tugged her closer, kissing at the supple soft skin of her tummy, up between her breasts before sucking at a nipple. Eunsook moaned deeply, fingers curling in Gwiboon’s hair. “You’re so good to me.”

“Just wait until you read the signs between your legs,” Gwiboon chuckled, “My little pitcher.”

-------

Kibum smirked as Jinki bent over to pull the equipment from the bag. “I think my favorite thing about this is your ass in those sweats.”

Jinki glared around his hip for a moment before straightening, both gloves held against his chest. He tossed one at his boyfriend a little harshly. “Just put that on and get ready.”

He wiggled his hand into the glove and adjusted the velcro strap on the back. When he looked up again Jinki was about 20 feet away, flexing his fingers in the glove and tossing the softball in front of his thighs softly. “You’re not going to hit me in the head right?”

“If you catch it,” Jinki snorted for a moment before smiling, “You ready?” Kibum shrugged, holding the glove up. His eyes widened as Jinki threw the softball, harder than he had expected him to at first, and he ducked as it came closer. He heard Jinki’s loud laughter and he scowled at him as he stood again. “What was that?”

“I could ask you the same thing!” Jinki was still laughing, causing Kibum to grumble as he jogged to go get the ball. “You’re supposed to help me get prepared for the game, not take my head off.”

“Alright alright. I’ll go easier on you Babe.” Jinki winked and he laughed when Kibum stuck his tongue out at him in response.

-----

On the road to the Playoffs, 1945

“He sent me another letter this morning.” Eunsook quietly stated, respectful of her other teammates toward the front of the bus. “Asked me why I hadn’t replied to his last ones.”

“Where is he now?” Gwiboon asked, eyes closed and long, thin fingers being played with by the other woman.

“He didn’t say.” Eunsook sighed, head leaning against the window of the bus. “He tries to make this a real marriage. He never understood that I never wanted to marry him in the first place.”

“Mine is somewhere in the Pacific. He hasn’t sent me a letter in weeks. My mother tells me I should be sadder, but,” She slowly opened her eyes to gaze at Eunsook. At her beautiful plump lips, the curve of her nose and flutter of her eyelashes. “These last two years have been the happiest I’ve been since I was told I was to be married to him.”

Eunsook moved her head over to look at her, eyes soft and vulnerable. Her voice was barely a whisper, “I sometimes am ashamed to wish they never return.”

Gwiboon kissed two of her fingers slowly before lifting them to Eunsook’s lips.”Me too Love.”

-----

“I didn’t know you had it in you,” Minho stated as he smacked Kibum hard in the shoulder, causing him to spit up the soft drink he was at the time attempting to swallow.

Jinki giggled behind his hand, leaning against the wood of the inside of the booth. Kibum frowned as he patted the soda from his shirt. “It was just a double.”

“A double that made us win,” Jinki added, moving over to gently kiss his cheek. He said so close their thighs were touching, stealing a fry or two from Kibum’s basket.

“I literally asked you if you wanted fries.” He softly commented.

“I don’t want my own. I want yours.” He flashed a cute little smile before taking another handful of fries. Kibum just shook his head and let him. Pleased Jinki laid his head on Kibum’s shoulder, hooking their arms together, and holding his drink with his left hand. Jonghyun tried to take some of Minho’s, but the man pulled it away.

“I’m not as nice as him.” When Jonghyun pouted deeply Minho gave in, pushing the basket back over toward him. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Jonghyun hummed happily. “Fries and dibbing rights for the next year. Double bonus.”

“After this, I need a nap,” Jinki mumbled. “I’m getting too old for this.”

Kibum kissed his hair, “A nap sounds wonderful.”

------

Just before the AAGPBL 1945 Championship

Gwiboon was rolling up her socks when the door to their locker room opened. There stood their manager. The look on his face made everyone pause momentarily, but it was the colored slip of paper in his hand that made everyone’s breath catch. The women on the team slowly took seats on the benches around the room, waiting with wide eyes as their manager walked toward them. Gwiboon expected him to stop before he got to her, but he kept walking until he was standing directly in front of her. His eyes moved between her and Eunsook as he pulled at the paper in his hand. It was then she realized there were two notices. He handed one to each of them, “I’m so sorry girls.”

Gwiboon knew she should cry, tears should have formed, for even though she never loved him as a husband she did care for him as a friend and fellow human being, but she couldn’t. She glanced toward Eunsook, who was staring down at the paper cradled in her palms, and she wrapped her arms around her. Eunsook melted into the embrace, emotions finally hitting her at the physical touch. They barely heard their manager comment about letting them have some space. When the door clicked close Gwiboon pulled away, moving the curls from Eunsook’s face and moved to wipe her tears. The room was clear, so she softly whispered, “Why are you crying beautiful?”

“What am I to do?” She breathed.

“We’ll figure something out.” Gwiboon quietly shushed her.

Eunsook shook her head. “You don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“I should be broken. Any other woman in this room with a husband would have cried and shaken with this news, and all I felt was relief. What am I to do when I have to return home and face his family expecting me to be a grief stricken widow?” She covered her face with her hands, elbows pressed into her thighs.

There was silence for a long while before Gwiboon quietly said. “You won’t have to if you come home with me.”

Eunsook’s head snapped over toward her, “What?”

“Come with me.” She smiled hopefully, “We can be together. Widowers living with each other to help through the pain, or to not be lonely or something. Whatever we have to tell them, but we can be together. No more dreading when they come home.”

“Do you hear yourself Gwiboon?” Eunsook sighed, “People will think we wanted them to not return. What type of people are we being happy two human beings are dead?”

“He abused you. He beat you so badly, but you had to stay because what could you do alone?” Gwiboon hissed, wanting to protect her even now he was gone. “You’re free. You’re allowed to be happy you’re free.”

Eunsook’s eyes moved rapidly over her facial features, thinking things through. She looked lost and small when she asked, “You want me to go with you?”

Gwiboon squeezed her hands, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

She quickly kissed Gwiboon’s cheek, smiling ever so softly as she wiped her tears. When she spoke again Gwiboon laughed, “Do you think they’ll allow us to play?”

Smirking she replied, “If they want to win they will.”

They held hands until they reached the door and Eunsook pushed it open, fingers slipping from the other’s grasp between the skirts of their uniforms.

-----

Kibum frowned as the pamphlet on the counter came into better view. He ran his fingertips over the cover softly before picking it up by the edge to flip it open, “Hey Ming?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s this about a cruise?”

“Oh,” Kibum could hear the man moving through their apartment towards him and a few moments later he was stepping around the corner into the kitchen, “My parents mentioned that they’d gift us cruise tickets if we really wanted to go for our birthdays.”

“I am not getting on a damn ship.” Kibum was shaking his head quickly, “I’m not gonna die in a shipwreck again.”

“Uh Kibum, you never died in a shipwreck.”

“Huh?” He asked as he looked up at him, seemingly dazed.

“You said you didn’t want to die in a shipwreck again.. Insinuating there was a first time.”

“Did I?” He laid the pamphlet on the counter cover side down. “I uh, think you misheard me or something.”

-----

Southampton, Titanic at port, April 10th, 1912

“I’m so excited,” Jinki exclaimed softly, fingers curling tightly around Kibum’s jacket to stay with him through the crowd as they moved toward the last checkpoint before boarding.

Kibum flashed a smile over his shoulder as he reached back to grab Jinki’s wrist of the hand gripping his jacket. His other hand held his bag. He moved quickly through the crowd, tugging Jinki along who was softly laughing from the excitement of it all. When they finally reached the checkpoint Kibum reached into his inside coat pocket to hand Jinki his ticket. His voice was very soft as he said, “I can’t wait to start a new life with you.”

Jinki smiled wide, looking up at the huge ship on the water before looking back at him. “We’re just one bridge and a travel across the sea away.”

Kibum leaned closer to whisper something in Jinki’s ear, “I really want to kiss you.”

With slightly pink cheeks Jinki coughed and looked up at him under his lashes, “Move forward Mr. Kim.”

He let Jinki get checked first and as he went through the last motions to get through he gazed at the man. Jinki was gazing up at the big ship, the breeze flowing through his long hair and happy smile on his face at the beauty of the Titanic. He was breathtaking. He slowly looked over when he felt Kibum’s hand on his shoulder. “Let’s start our new life Jinki.”

-----

Minho was sitting in the recliner across the room staring at the soccer game on the television. Kibum was figuring out a way to ask him a question without being laughed at. After a few more minutes he ventured to ask, “Hey Ming?”

“Huh?” Minho looked over, “Oh yeah, hey what’s up?”

“Is there a way to find out who died on the Titanic?”

“What the fuck, Dude?” Minho snorted, “How did you get to that from soccer?”

“Well, I had another dream.” Minho turned a little to face him completely. “The one last night I was on the Titanic.”

“And you think you will show up on the manifest or something? What’s to say in that life you died? Or you had the same name?”

Kibum sighed, “I guess you’re right.”

“If you have another dream about this, with more information, we’ll look more into it.” Minho leaned on his palm, elbow on the arm of the chair. He smiled, almost evilly, “So what’s the plan for tonight?”

“I have no clue. Jinki has a complete secret plan for my birthday.” Minho wiggled his eyebrows at that and Kibum blushed as he hissed, “Shut up.”

Minho laughed loud and high pitched, highly amused at the embarrassment on Kibum’s face. He frowned when the man stood up and walked around the couch. “Oh come on. Stay.”

Kibum shook his head, “It’s only like noon and I need a nap.”

Before he left he tossed a pillow at Minho’s head because of the snort he heard from him as he turned away.

-----

Titanic April 13th, 1912

“I wish we could have found it,” Jinki mumbled sadly as he gazed down at his bare ring finger, head leaning on Kibum’s bare shoulder.

He pushed his fingers through Jinki’s hair, pressing his lips to his head before quietly saying, “There is still a chance at finding it.”

“This ship is so big Kibum,” Jinki lifted his head to look at him. “The ring is lost.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. That ring meant so much to you. It was your father’s and you gave it to me and-” Jinki took a huge breath. “I’m sorry I lost it. I should have been more careful.”

Kibum cupped his cheek softly before kissing him warmly. Their noses brushed as he said with a smile, “I have you. You mean the most to me, Love.”

“You’ll always have me.” Jinki kissed him on his lips, a small smile pulling across his face. “I can’t wait until we dock in New York.”

“A life full of chances.” Kibum sighed happily before kissing him again. “I could kiss you forever.”

“I plan on holding you to that,”

Kibum laid back on the bed, hands behind his head, as he smiled, “Then come get them.”

“We have so many things we could be doing right now on this luxury ship,” Jinki chuckled as he moved over him, straddling his hips, “And you want to spend this beautiful day in here kissing me.”

“What can I say? I’m a simple man.”

-----

When Kibum opened the door Jinki was smiling, holding a bouquet of roses, “A dozen now isn’t overdoing it is it?”

“No,” He laughed as he leaned to press a kiss to Jinki’s cheek. “They’re beautiful, thank you.”

He was adjusting them in an old cookie jar turned vase as Jinki commented, “I have a big night planned for you.”

Kibum rose his eyebrow, “Should I be worried about being able to get up in the morning?”

Jinki snorted before getting serious. “There’s a great possibility.”

He gently took Jinki’s hand and smiled, “I guess let’s begin Baby.”

-----

“What…” The entire balcony of the restaurant was lit by candles. The river was just in front of them, beautifully reflecting the lights from the city. “Jinki, this is too much.”

Jinki’s hand was flat against Kibum’s lower back, leading him further in. “Nothing is too much for you.” His chair was pulled out for him and a kiss was pressed to his cheek after he was pushed back in. He felt speechless looking around. The white tablecloth, the twinkling lights hung around the windows leading back into the main part of the restaurant, the candles so beautifully lit, and the waiter pouring the wine into their glasses. “I hope red is fine.”

“I have no idea what to say- I..”

He chuckled before sipping his glass of wine. “It’s so very hard to make you speechless Babe.”

Kibum blushed over his wine glass, “It’s so beautiful. This must have cost a small fortune.”

Jinki reached into his coat pocket and laid a wrapped box in front of Kibum on his plate. “Happy Birthday Babe.”

“Jinki the dinner was more than enough. I can’t accept whatever this is.”

“Just open it.”

Kibum grumbled quietly as Jinki chuckled, slowly unwrapping the pretty blue wrapping paper. Inside was a white box, about 8 inches long and a few inches wide. Curious, he wiggled the top off and gasped when the reflective surface of the pen set could be seen. “Jinki..”

“For when you finally get to write out your next novel.” Jinki leaned on his palm, elbow placed lightly on the table as he gazed over at him.

“Let your dreams fly~” Kibum quietly read the engraving, “Thank you so much.”

“I’d kiss you, but my tie would land in the candles.” Kibum reached over to squeeze his hand laying on the table and Jinki beamed over at him. “It’s time for the first course.”

“First?”

Jinki snorted.

----

When Jinki stood in front of him and offered his hand Kibum groaned, “I am so full. I don’t think I can dance with you.”

“Come on,” Jinki tugged him up with a big laugh. Music was played through the speakers as he moved to rest his head against Kibum’s chest. His arms were wrapped around him as Kibum moved to hold him close.

He dipped his head to press his nose into Jinki’s neck, gently swaying to the music. “Thank you for tonight.”

Jinki’s body rumbled with his soft laughter. “Here’s to many more Kibum.”

He kissed his neck gently before squeezing him tightly for a moment. It was definitely better than the last birthday he had a boyfriend for, and one of his best birthdays ever.

----

The inside of his apartment was dark behind him through the small gap of the open door. Jinki’s lips were soft, plush and supple, his body warm and firm against him as Kibum pressed him against the frame around the door. His fingers were curling tightly in Kibum’s shirt on his lower back, tugging him as if he wasn’t as close as he could be. Kibum only parted from his lips far enough that he could whisper, “Stay.”

Jinki’s chest rose and fell heavily, eyes hazy as he looked from Kibum’s lips to his eyes, smiling. He didn’t say anything, just moved to lift Kibum’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand.

Kibum tugged him into the apartment, having to kick the door closed because his hands were too busy roaming Jinki’s form to be able to close it.

------

April 15th, Titanic 3rd class

The water was up to their ankles as they jogged down the hallway toward the entry point to the level above them. They heard the loud voices, the crying children, and the curses as they got closer. Kibum pushed through the people, his grip on Jinki’s wrist slipping as he moved closer to the metal gates. There were three men standing on the other side, trying to calm them down and keep them from pressing against the gate. “You must stay calm and orderly until it is your turn.”

“Bullshit!” Was yelled, hissed, as the mass of them pushed against the gates causing two of the men to hit their hands and arms to get them back.

Kibum felt warm fingers curling around his wrist and when he looked back in the mass of people behind him was Jinki, eyes sad and vulnerable as he tugged his arm a little. He followed the force easily, standing tall before his lover and looking down concerned. Jinki shook his head, pushing up to say into his ear. “There isn’t a turn for us. They’re locking us in to allow the first and second class to get the boats.”

“No, Love, that can’t be-”

It dawned on him that Jinki was right a few moments later as more people came from the halls in their life jackets and the gate was never opened. The water was slowly rising. He looked at the mothers holding small children, men pushing forward to try to save their families, and he knew. Jinki pulled away just enough to look at him in the eyes and when the man grabbed his hand Kibum didn’t need him to say anything to understand what he wanted. He followed him back towards their room, where the water was shallower than where they had been. Silently they climbed into the bottom bunk after locking the door, Jinki’s head pressed under Kibum’s chin, curled around each other.

“I’m so sorry,” Jinki breathed out, eyes squeezed shut as he pressed further into him. “We came on here because of me. I wanted to do this. This is all my fault.”

“Shh,” Kibum shifted to press a kiss to his hair, squeezing him tightly as he tried to ignore the sounds of the mass of people down the hall and the water rushing through the 3rd class. “This isn’t your fault. None of it is your fault.”

“We’ll see each other again, won’t we?” Jinki whispered.

Kibum’s lips were pressed to his hair for a long moment, “We always find each other Jinki. We always do.”

“I wish we had more time.” Jinki sucked in a huge breath, sorrow racking his frame with his soft sobs.

“Forever wouldn’t be enough time,” They held each other tighter as the water rushed into their room. “I love you.”

Jinki gasped out his reply as the temperature of the water reached them, “I love you more.”

Kibum was startled awake, chest heaving and eyes wide as he gasped for air. Jinki shifted from the other side of the bed. He turned, rubbing his eyes as he sleepily mumbled, “Kibum?” When he noticed that Kibum was leaning over the side of the bed gasping harshly for breath he kicked the covers off and crawled over to place a hand on the middle of his back. “Kibum! What’s wrong?”

“I can’t- I can’t catch my breath.”

“Close your eyes, focus on my voice,” Jinki rubbed his back as he softly spoke, “In, count to three and out.”

It took a few minutes, but eventually, his breathing went back to normal. He felt the fear, the panic of dying still in his chest. Jinki had gone to get him a glass of water after throwing on one of their boxers. The glass sat on the bedside table as he laid his head on Jinki’s chest as the man played with his hair soothingly. “I’m sorry for waking you up. It was just a really bad dream.”

“It’s okay.” Jinki kissed his hair gently, smiling warmly as his eyes fluttered closed and he kept his head pressed against his. “I’m here when you need me, Babe.”

Kibum shivered, causing Jinki to tug the blankets up to his shoulders. He could still feel the icy waters, the breath being taken from his lungs as he tried so hard to keep ahold of Jinki. He squeezed his eyes closed and begged for the images to disappear. Jinki held him tighter as if he could sense it was more than just a bad dream. He fell asleep a while after, Jinki holding him from behind. He held Jinki’s hand on his stomach and drifted off to sleep.

----

As Jinki moved around the room collecting his things Kibum hugged his pillow and pouted. “Do you have to leave so early?”

Jinki stopped jumping into his pants to walk over and lean down to give him a soft kiss. “I have plans with my sister at ten. I’ll be back tonight for part two of your birthday.”

“Jinki~” He whined causing Jinki to laugh at him.

“It’s just dinner in the bed of my truck up on one of the lookouts in the nature reserve just out of the city.” He finally managed to buckle his belt and beamed over at him. He gave Kibum one more kiss. “I’ll talk to you later Babe. I love you. I hope you enjoyed your birthday.”

“I did,” Kibum rolled onto his back and gave a soft, hazy smile. “I hope you enjoyed my birthday too.”

Jinki snorted, “I think the second time around signaled I enjoyed it very much.”

Kibum hummed, tugging him down by his wrist to sit on the bed. “Good.”

“I gotta go,” Jinki chuckled as Kibum’s long fingers moved up his arm, over his shoulder to curl around his neck to pull him down closer. A few more kisses and he finally pulled away, “One more and then I have to go.”

“So if I don’t kiss you one more time you can stay?”

“Nice try.”

His bottom lip jutted out as he mumbled. “I tried.”

Jinki kissed his pouty lips slowly before quickly moving out of Kibum’s reach. “Byeee~”

------

Jonghyun and Minho were seated in the living room, quietly eating while watching the morning news when Kibum finally shuffled out of his room. When they took notice of him slipping into the recliner after getting his coffee Minho teased, “Was it so bad he had to leave before you woke up?”

“Shut up,” Kibum mumbled halfheartedly.

Minho frowned, “Hey, I’m just teasing you.”

He shook his hand in his direction for a moment before it returned to the side of his mug. He was staring at the rippling liquid, images flashing of the water rushing in when Jonghyun’s voice brought his attention back. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost Kibum.”

“Last night my titanic dream was finally concluded.” He licked his lips to wet them, avoiding looking at the two men, “And I was right. It ended in death. I woke up in a panic and didn’t know how to explain to Jinki why I couldn’t breathe after a fucking dream. That’s probably why he ran off.”

“Kibum,” Minho said softly, “What happened?”

“In the dream, we were 3rd class. They locked the gates allowing us out and-” Kibum took a harsh breath. His voice was soft and broken as he finished, “We accepted death instead of fighting. We drowned.”

“What did you tell Jinki?” Jonghyun quietly asked, legs brought up onto the couch cushion and plate laid on his lap as he focused entirely on Kibum.

“That is was just a bad dream.” Kibum sighed as he stared at his coffee for a long moment before placing it on the counter. He didn’t have much of a stomach for it. “I think tonight I’m going to tell him everything.”

“Everything?” Minho hesitantly asked. “Do you think that’s the best idea?”

“I love him a lot and I think it’s time I tell him.” Kibum leaned on his palm, elbow on the arm of the chair. “He may think I’m insane or whatever, but I don’t want to go even further in this relationship with these dreams plaguing me and him not knowing everything. It’s been six months. I can’t keep telling myself it’s too early to tell him such a thing anymore.”

“If you think it’s the best choice I’ll support you.” Minho smiled warmly.

Kibum flashed a quick, nervous smile his way. “Thanks.”

-----

“I still don’t wrap my head around the fact you have multiple cars.” Kibum comment as he climbed up into the bed of the pickup truck.

Jinki laughed quietly as he fluffed the extra pillows behind them. “I only have the two.”

“Uh huh.” Kibum nudged him when Jinki beamed. “The sky is really pretty tonight.”

“Not as pretty as you.”

“Oh my God Jinki.” Jinki looked super proud of himself. “How long have you been waiting to say that line?”

“Oh, just all of our relationship, no biggie.” He twisted a little and lifted up a cooler. “I packed sandwiches and there are beer and tiny bottles of wine.”

“I actually have something to tell you.” Jinki looked up from the cooler concerned as he slowly placed the six pack on the blanket between them.

“That’s a little spooky since I kind of have something to tell you too.” He scratched the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous or shy. “But…I need to go first.”

“Okay.” Kibum smiled and softly adjusted himself in the pillows. He rose an eyebrow when Jinki popped the top off one of the beers and downed it quickly. “How bad is what you have to tell me?”

“Bad enough I was going to wait until I drove you home.” Jinki took a deep breath, eyes closed for a moment as he collected his thoughts, before they opened and he gave a small smile. “I love you a lot Kibum. You’re the first thing, Person, I’ve had for just myself. These last six months have meant so much to me and I know I should have told you this sooner, but I was selfish and I didn’t want to lose you.”

“What is it you have to tell me?”

“I’m married.” Jinki slowly answered. As the realization visibly descended over Kibum, he was quick to explain himself. “I don’t love her. I never did.”

“How does that make this better?” Kibum hissed. “You’re still cheating on her with me. I’m your fucking mistress.”

“No, no.” Kibum pushed off the bed of the truck and moved to leave, but Jinki raising his voice stopped him. “Dammit, Kibum sit here and listen to me.”

“Listen to what? How can you make the fact you’re married any better?”

“I didn’t marry her because I loved her.” Jinki ran his fingers through his hair, trying to get his emotions in check. He didn’t need to cry. “My sister was in love with her, but my parents would never have accepted her being gay and I wasn’t about to let my little sister be kicked out and disowned. I had to protect her and the only way I could think of was I told my parents the reason they were spending so much time together was that they were planning our wedding. I married her to protect my sister.”

Kibum softened a little, carefully sitting back down from where he was standing. “Then why are you still married? Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“I’m still married because it was the safest option for her. She wasn’t out of school yet and she depended on our parents for her tuition, and I had no reason to be divorced. I didn’t have anyone that I’d need to be single for.” Jinki laid his head in his hands, elbows pressed into his thighs. “I met with my sister today to tell her I couldn’t do it anymore, that I loved you and wanted to be free to be with you completely. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ve lost you by telling you.”

It was a few minutes before Kibum softly asked, “Who said you’ve lost me Jinki?”

When Jinki looked up he was as vulnerable as Kibum had ever seen him. His eyes were pink, cheeks damp, and he sniffled before saying. “I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lied to me like I did to you. Why would you want to be with me?”

“Because I love you.” Kibum tenderly said. He crossed the distance between them to cup Jinki’s jaw. “You did lie to me and it hurts, but I understand the reasoning behind your marriage and behind the deception. I can’t be angry at you for protecting your little sister Jinki. “

“Oh God,” Jinki gasped out, covering Kibum’s hand with his own as he turned to press a kiss to his palm. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“C’mere.” Jinki shuffled over, snuggling in as Kibum wrapped his arms around him and kissed his hair. “We’ll work things out, and we’ll do it together. Thank you for being honest with me.”

Jinki sucked in a ragged breath, sniffling harshly, before quietly asking, “What did you need to tell me?

“Well,” He took a deep breath and laughed anxiously. “That’s a long story.”

“I understand if you don’t want to tell me right now.”

“I need to. You were honest with me and I need to get this off my chest.” Kibum gently pushed him to make some space between them. He wiped Jinki’s tears from his cheeks with his thumbs before saying, “I’m just going to come out and tell you. For months before I ran into you, I had these dreams that just didn’t feel like they were only dreams. In each, the dreams swirled around the lives of two people that no matter what gender they were, I could feel they were the same people. It just so happened in many of them one of them was named Kibum and the other.. Jinki.” Kibum couldn’t look at him as he confessed. “I wrote them all down as soon as I woke up from them, hoping to somehow piece them together and make sense of it all. I thought that maybe it was just my overactive imagination running wild, but then I ran into you. You felt familiar even if I knew I had never met you before. I tried to put it to coincidence, but every moment I spent with you I felt for the first time in my life like I didn’t have something missing. You probably think I’m insane, telling you all this, but I love you without those dreams.”

He curled his fingers in his pants and sucked in a huge breath. “I’ve thought about telling you for so long, but I didn’t want to lose you. Every night it’s like I’m reliving lives, complete other lives where I lost you or you me, times when we were happy and others when I’d wake up and feel this big lump in my throat and dread in my chest. Regular dreams so ache for that long, you don’t feel or remember regular dreams as long as I have these. I remember every single detail of each, even the first one I had when I lost you to an arrow in the shoulder, all the way to the most recent. When I held you tight against my chest as the waters began rushing into our room on the Titanic. It feels so real, but it can’t be. Soulmates aren’t a thing.”

The pressure in his chest couldn’t be contained, his emotions spilling from him easily as he brought his knees up to his chest. He pressed his face into his crossed arms on them and let the tears fall. He felt the truck moving under him before he felt the soft hands moving to remove his arms from around his face. Kneeling there was Jinki. His eyes were warm and damp, as silent tears fell from them. He cupped Kibum’s cheeks gently after pushing his knees apart so he could move closer. Their lips melded together. When Kibum pushed back against him it was like something unlocked in them. They fell apart panting, eyes wide and hair amuck as they stared at the other.

All the memories, feelings, and sensations were coming back to them. When Jinki whispered his name all the emotion he was feeling could be felt through his voice. “Kibum?”

It was just a word. A single whispered call of his name, but Kibum could sense so much more than was unspoken. “You remember too?”

Jinki was crossing the small space between them quickly, nuzzling into his neck and wrapping his arms tightly around him. Kibum breathed in his scent deeply, wrapping his arms around him and pushing his fingers into his hair.

------

6 months later

Kibum was fixing his tie when he heard the gentle knock on the door. “Come in!”

In the reflection of the mirror Jinki’s little sister Taeyeon popped her head through the open door, eyes covered by her hand. “You’re decent right?”

“Yes.” He replied with a chuckle, letting go of the tie deeming it good enough.

She stepped all the way in, hand falling from over her eyes as she moved to close the door behind her. “You ready for this?”

“I’ve waited over a hundred years for a full life with him.” Kibum smoothed out his shirt nervously. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh yes.” She smiled widely. “I’ve never seen my brother so shaken before. He wasn’t even this nervous before his dissertation to get his Ph. D. He’s so in love with you. He gave up so much for me, to protect me, and I’m just so thankful and happy he found you.”

The glossiness of her eyes and the sound of her voice made him panic a little. “Oh no, Taeyeon please don’t cry.”

She shook her head while laughing quietly, “Yes, I have to save that for the ceremony. Come. We have to head to the dock.”

He grabbed the velvet box from the hotel room’s vanity and his coat before smiling. “Let’s go get me married.”

------

In front of Pier 54, New York City,

He caught a glimpse of Jinki when he turned the corner before Minho blocked his view. There was a lump in his throat as soon as the old gate came into view. This is where they would have docked if they survived on the Titanic. He twisted the small box between his fingers as he walked toward the edge near the very old gate. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and took in the smell of the water of the Hudson River. He was startled when he heard Jonghyun’s voice behind him. “It’s time Kibum.”

He let out a deep breath and turned with a smile, finding Jinki across the way. There were only handful of people in front of the dock that came with them. Jinki’s sister Taeyeon, her partner Soojung, Jonghyun and Minho, who would be completing the ceremony. Finally standing in front of Jinki, seeing how radiant he was, God, he was breathtaking. He almost couldn’t follow Minho’s words. “Do you take Lee Jinki to be your husband?”

“I do.” Jinki’s smile was so wide and bright as he gazed up at him.

“Do you take Kim Kibum to be your husband?”

“I do.” Jinki swallowed thickly after the words were said, tears forming on his lashes.

“Exchange rings, and you may kiss your new husband.” Minho quietly said, closing his small notebook he had his lines written in.

Jinki twisted to get the ring from his sister and Kibum handed the now empty box to Jonghyun to hold. He gently took Jinki’s left hand into his and smiled softly as he slipped on the ring. It took the man a moment to recognize it, but once he did his right hand was covering his mouth and nose, tears falling from his eyes in his shock. “I remember you were so upset over losing it on board. I told you that it would be found. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Where- How?” He gasped out.

“There was a thrift shop downtown in Seoul. I have no idea how it got there from last being seen on board the Titanic, but it’s the ring. The inscription is the same.”

Jinki laughed at himself as he sniffled and wiped his eyes with the ends of his jacket, “I feel my ring for you doesn’t compare.”

Once the gold band was slipped onto his finger Kibum stepped forward, his right arm slipping behind his back to tug him close, noses brushing as he quietly whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you more.” Jinki’s lips quirked at the corners before he pressed forward, melding into Kibum easily.

From their very first lifetime when Jinki was an Angel and Kibum was half demon, to their most recent on the Titanic, they had found each other and fallen in love. Through the mess that is the space time continuum, the sands of time trickling down, they found each other.

#onkey #jinkibum #onew #key #shinee #hourglass au #listen I cut so much out of my plan to be able to finish this on time #I made such a monster rip me #I hope you like it1

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apatheticmaplesyrup · 7 years

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1-100

Thank you :D

This is gonna be a long post so continue at your own peril.

Is a kiss considered cheating?If it’s a proper snog, yeah.

Have you ever faked orgasm?Yeah.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?Probably.

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?I don’t know if I’ll be rich, but hopefully rich enough to live comfortably.

Tell us some funny drunk story.I don’t think I really have any funny ones :’)

Why are you no longer together with your ex?I don’t know that there was a particular reason, it just didn’t work out.

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Natural causes.

What are your current goals?To get through uni and get a 2:1/1st, and try to lower my body fat (mainly for health right now).

Do you like someone?I don’t know, I think I might but I’m not sure.

Who was the last person to disappoint you?Myself for not going to the gym when I’ve got a membership and keep saying I will.

Do you like your body?I don’t like how it looks overall, but there are good parts to me. It’s worked relatively fine so far, so I’m happy with that.

Can you keep a diet?Not unless I can get past the first month of it.

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Did Barry the Bee really have sexual relations with Vanessa, and did Ken ever get to have yoghurt night?

Do you work?No.

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Chicken wraps probably.

Would you get a tattoo?Yeah, I want one but I’m just not sure what to start with.

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?Food.

Can you drive?Yes.

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Idk man it’s been a while. *tiny violin plays in the distance*

What was the last thing you cried for?I think I was just really sad and really tired, there was no real trigger.

Do you keep a journal?Nope.

Is life fun?It can be sometimes. It can also be a lot of effort.

Is farting in front of people irrelevant?I don’t know what this means by irrelevant but I don’t think it matters much unless it’s a crowded area.

What’s your dream car?This changes, but I do really want a Dodge Charger (either a 1970s one or the 2014 model)

Are grades in school important?Yes, because it can affect what direction you take for your career (i.e. choosing if/where to go to university), but it’s not the most important thing. You can get bad grades and still be successful and happy in life.

Describe your crush.Really chilled out, similar sense of humour to me and just quite easy to be around.

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?I’m listening to the audiobook “How to Build a Universe: An Infinite Monkey Cage Adventure” by Brian Cox, Robin Ince and Alexandra Feachem. It’s impressive how they can talk about and explain these theories about space and time in a way that is accessible and often comedic.

What was your last lie?Probably something like “I can’t come out, I have a lot of work to do”.

Dumbest lie you ever told? When I was a kid, my mum caught me playing my Gameboy when I wasn’t supposed to, and I tried to lie and say I didn’t even though I clearly was.

Is crying in front of people embarrassing?I don’t feel comfortable doing it because a lot of people do judge others when they cry in public, but if it’s people I know then I don’t really feel it should be embarrassing.

Something you did and you are proud of?Cleaned and decorated my room in my new house.

What’s your favourite cocktail?I’d probably still go with long islands, purely because I haven’t found another one that I love yet.

Something you are good at?Complaining.

Do you like small kids?I don’t mind them, I’m just terrible at dealing with them.

How are you feeling right now?Like I should be writing my essay rather than procrastinating :’)

What would you name your daughter/son?I don’t have a clue.

What do you need to be happy?Financial and emotional stability and a healthy relationship.

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Not right now, I’m feeling pretty chill.

What was the last gift you received?GTA 5 from my friends for my birthday

What was the last gift you gave?It was just a £20 playstation store card and we made him cocktails as well.

What was the last concert you went to?The Community Festival in Finsbury Park

Favourite place to shop at?Blue Inc.

Who inspires you?My parents, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

How old were you when you first got drunk?18.

How old were you when you first got high?Still haven’t.

How old were you when you first had sex?16.

When was your first kiss?When I was 14 or 15.

Something you want to do until the end of this year?Come up with ideas for music videos and sketches.

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?Yes.

Post a selfie.Really not feeling it today, sorry.

Who are you most comfortable around?@robbiesheehanigan, @lucashaggettphotography, @i-dw and @th4t-f33ling

Name one thing that terrifies you.Heights.

What kind of books do you read?I usually read fantasy books, but books about space are also great.

What would you tell your 12 year old self?Get into a sport, it’ll help you in the future.

What is your favourite flower?Chrysanthemums.

Any bad habits you have?Oh yes. Definitely.

What kind of people are you attracted to?People who are kind, I’m comfortable being around, have a similar sense of humour, and I don’t really know apart from there being ‘something’ that makes them attractive to me.

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?Other than cod, I don’t really like seafood. I also really don’t like olives.

Are you in love?No.

Something you find romantic?Sitting in front of a fire together somewhere scenic and toasting marshmallows. Also stargazing.

How long was your longest relationship? About 4 years.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? I’m just going to say three things in general.1 - When people are unnecessarily rude to waiting/bar staff.2 - When people only want to do things their way or no way, with no contingency plan or even listening to what other people have to say, even if it’s valid.3 - People who say they’ll do something, and constantly don’t.

What are you saving money for?A car or a new camera.

How would you describe your bad side?Rude, nasty to people, and short-tempered.

Are you actually a good person? Why?I hope so, but I don’t know how to judge that. I think I’m probably just a neutral person.

What are you living for?To see what happens next.

Have you ever done anything illegal?Aha, nice try cops

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?I probably have and can’t remember, so I’m sorry to anyone who I may have done that to.

Ever sent nudes?Nah I’m not that confident :’)

Have you ever cheated on someone?No.

Favourite candy?I could always go for a bounty or kit-kat.

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!Not really, I mostly just look at my timeline.

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?I do, I started playing Dark Souls 3 recently and it’s really fun but I’m not particularly good at it. My favourite game changes but I think the one I’ve always liked is Tom Clancy’s Hawx.

Favourite TV series?I still really like Community, though Tokyo Ghoul and Stranger Things are also amazing.

Are you religious? Does God exist?I used to be but now I’m not so much. I think there might be some type of higher power, but I don’t definitively believe that there is or isn’t.

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?I answered this with the one about a book that’s impressed me :)

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?I think vegetarianism is admirable, probably more ethically correct and environmentally friendly. I don’t really know enough about veganism to make an informed comment, but it’d probably be a similar opinion.

How long have you been on Tumblr?Probably like 5 years or so. I think I had it before then but never used it.

Do you like Chinese food?Yes.

McDonalds or Subway?McDonalds

Vodka or whiskey?Straight whiskey, vodka if it’s with a mixer

Alcohol or drugs?Alcohol

Ever been out of your province/state/country?Yes

Meaning behind your blog name?I watched Stranger Things 2 and Steve as the babysitter is my favourite thing. Also the last scene where he’s giving Dustin a pep talk is brilliant.

What are you scared of?Heights. A lot of other things too, but let’s just go with heights.

Last time you were insulted?Probably earlier today (part of banter with my friends)

Most traumatic experience ?I have no idea, probably the many times I ran into the door frame when I was younger.

Perfect date idea?Dinner and a movie (even if it’s at home) is a great idea. Stargazing and a campfire (and obviously food) would also be amazing, but I feel like that’d be once I know them a little better.

Favourite app on your phone?The Clock app, I would probably not wake up on time without it.

What colour are the walls in your room?White

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I watch YouTube, I’ve always loved Markiplier because he’s a lovely person (though I haven’t really watched his videos recently). I really like Shane and Ryan in Buzzfeed Supernatural.

Share your favourite quote.L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle

What is the meaning of life?I feel like that’s a question for Google.

Do you like horror movies?Not really, I can watch them and I think some of them are great, but I get scared by them really easily.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Yeah, I think the most recent time was when I turned 21 and/or came back to uni.

Do you feel lucky or special in a way?Yeah, I’ve lived quite a good life. I have an amazing family who have always looked after me and shown me love, and I think I’m lucky to have that.

Can you keep a secret?Probably, depends on the secret. You got a confession to make?

Thank you for asking :) Also @robbiesheehanigan someone else also did the 1 to 100 thing so here you go xo

#this is a long post #soz #ask #answer

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madamehearthwitch · 7 years

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Can't wait to see the results of my 10 card Celtic Cross Reading - I know it's gonna be quite the project for you, may I say "Thank You" in advance for your time and your energy 💜

No problem hun

For others interested, you can always inquire if this is something I can do for you. However it’s a lot of work, and so I reserve the right to say no :) Without sounding horrible, there’s a higher chance if you’re someone I interact with. If only because it takes a little less energy to connect with someone I’m more familiar with.

The Celtic Cross

Arguably one of the most recognizable tarot spreads, and for good reason. The Celtic Cross is a great overall layout to give insight and direction into life. It remains one of my favorite.

This is the layout of the spread. It’s also how I record readings in my journal. I use a short hand, shown here (major) and here (minor). The Celtic Cross uses all the cards of the deck. According to the Mythic Tarot (my preferred deck), reverse cards are not used in the interpretation of this spread. “each card contains within it a dark and light dimension; and this can be determined by the card’s position in the overall spread.” In my opinion, that’s a personal choice. At the very least, I like to make note of any time a card falls reverse.

And without any more rambling on my part… the reading.

1. Significator

where the individual finds themselves in the present - High Priestess

This card, somewhat obviously, represents the spiritual/psychic self. And with that comes a bit of mystery and secrets. It can be elusive, and difficult to pin down.

2. Crossing Card

that which produces conflict - The Emperor

Here we have, nearly always, a male figure who is stern and can be demanding. In the position of this spread, it finds itself in conflict, and indicates that instead of a fatherly figure imposing helpful boundaries for a growing child, we have a tyrant. Rigid, and sometimes oppressive, the controlling nature of this person clashes with the Self, the High Priestess here, who is trying to explore their spiritual self.

3. The Crown

the atmosphere/surface situation - Three of Swords

Strife which has thusfar remained hidden has tumbled out into the open, and it hurts. This pain stems from separation, and the harsh realization that the delusion which allowed the issue to stay hidden for so long simply cannot be permitted to continue. But here we find hope, because in this painful acceptance of the truth, there is room for healing and growth.

4. The Base of the Matter

the driving force - Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands requires loyalty. She is the embodiment of consistency and as such is full of warmth. The conflict that stems from a painful split finds its root in a desire for stability and steadiness.

5. Past Influences

that which is leaving - Page of Swords

This card speaks to a primal beginning. In this position of the spread, it signifies that which once was held as so important, but is now beginning to fade away. It’s important to fully release this somewhat child-like nature so that the healing and growth which comes at the end of the Three of Swords can be realized.

6. Forthcoming Influences

the immediate future - Page of Cups

While the Page of Swords is a child-like beginning, the Page of Cups is an emotional beginning. It speaks of the renewal of the capacity to find self-love. This beginning is delicate and this growth needs to be nurtured so that it can survive the hurt.

7. Where One Finds Oneself

attitude of the seeker - Seven of Swords

There is a sense here of some mental gymnastics happening. Despite the uncomfortableness of it, there may be a need for guile and wit to avoid an out and out conflict.

8. Views of Others

how those around see the situation - Eight of Cups

Those looking in have a sense of giving something up. This can be quite painful and can bring depression. The card suggests that those surrounding the situation have a different take on matters, as the cards referring to the self speak of conflict bringing new beginnings, but the Eight of Cups is a card of loss.

9. Hopes and Fears

the coin has two faces - Knight of Wands

Passion can be a frightening thing. Too much haste and not enough consideration and it can be disastrous, but applied correctly it lights a fire in our soul. With all the swords in the spread, the current situation is quite volatile, and it’s understandable to have fears that it will feed the conflict, leading to more hurt.

10. Final Outcome

the end of the situation - Ace of Swords

The start of an adventure. All of the feelings and emotions of the present situation can create a deep sense of restlessness. The Ace of Swords does not speak to a specific project or endeavor, only that the energy is due to culminate in such a way as to make it possible for there to be one. However the presence of the High Priestess as the Significator suggests that this new journey has the potential to be one of great personal and spiritual significance.

Overall

There are two over-arching themes of this spread. That of conflict and that of new beginnings. And in life the two often go hand in hand.

photo source: http://aminomailer.com/page/harry-potter/1699718/hp-myth-challenge

As I was considering and meditating on these cards, the image of a phoenix came to mind. It is the embodiment of new beginnings born of fire which is the feeling of the cards in this spread and encompasses the mystery side of the High Priestess which as, to date, been trapped by the controlling force that is the Emperor.

Once the conflict with the figure of the Emperor is finally put into the past, the Page of Swords has made the final cut… the growth that begins with the Page of Cups is empowered through the passion Knight of Wands and into the burst of new life as the Ace of Swords.

The new beginnings these cards speak of are not guaranteed. There is no abundantly clear path through the conflict of the current situation. Indeed, the Seven of Swords attests to the fact that some creative thinking is needed to navigate through the struggle. Where the inclination to bring out the brawn and confront the Emperor head-on… the Seven of Swords suggests guile and cleverness instead. It may even feel false, and the Eight of Cups suggests that others will not view the situation well.

But regardless, the Three of Swords says time is now. The Queen of Wands speaks to a desire for stability, which is one of the core foundations required for a semblance of order in our lives. The situation must be dealt with.

photo source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/einsteins-definition-business-insanity-stuart-mason

It is perhaps, as one of the cleverest minds in history suggests, time to start doing things different. The Page of Swords in the Past Influences position implies the need for things to change on a fundamental level. The shakeup must come from the core.

***

I hope the reading helps bring you some clarity. If you have any questions or comments, do please message me so we can chat about it :)

As always I like to remind folks that tarot (and any other divination) reveals the most possible outcome for you on the path you’re on. All things being equal, it’s got a good chance of turning out the way they say.

#tarot #tarot readings #mythic tarot #celtic cross #10 card spread #divination #witchcraft #am very tired now #other readings will be delayed #that took more energy than anticipated #apologies #free tarot reading

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as-be-low · 7 years

Text

I got tagged by @impishnature! Thank youuu! :D :D :D

Do This: List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or as little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they are working on. This can be anything!

Hmmm okay I have like FOLDERS UPON FOLDERS full of ideas for Gravity Falls alone that I’m gradually fleshing out, so I guess that can be considered “working on,” right?

1.) Currently typing up the first half of the next chapter for THCM! It’s hella long and I’m both excited about it and kicking myself over it. It’s super cute and there will be fluff, including:

The leprecorn

Ford cuddling babies

Bathtime feat. the leprecorn

I’m feeling a little bit stuck, because I know where I’ve planned for it to go since the beginning, and to plant the seeds for that, they’d have to be planted now, but I’m second guessing myself about it for some reason. IDK. I might be at an impasse, or I might just chug on ahead.

2.) Forensic Ford AU! This story feels like a crime mystery-type-thing, and I feel like I have to have COMPLETELY planned out, no winging it because of the nature of planting clues here and there to have to reference from. (…Does that even make sense?) So right now, I’m hammering out the clues our hopeless heroes have to work with. :B

I will say that Ford and Stan get into an argument and Stan storms out, ends up missing.

Ford would be so distraught and think it was his fault

A week or so later another body would turn up mutilated with the same build as stan

Ford would be inconsolable for like a month

He'd go back to work and be like "I have to analyze the body. I have to." And would like be ugly crying a little bit at one point and someone would try to pull him away and he'd fight them

He'd run out laughing a few hours later and they'd be like "okay he's lost it" and try to hold him down but he's just like "it's not him! It's a John Doe!" And grab fiddleford who was there as emotional support and like cup his face and fiddleford would fuckin faint because ford is still wearing gross ass dirty latex gloves

He'd have to calm down and prove it (dental records, a break on the bone that should be there but isn't, etc, plus decomposition denotes a time of death that doesn't line up with when stan went missing)

Also stan shows up pissed off eight days after that of his own accord. Ford punches him on sight and stan punches back and then spends the rest of the night grumbling about it.

he had gotten roughed up up a LOT and he had to break out AGAIN and then make it back to stupid assfuck Tennessee and then THIS was the hello he gets??

“Stan why didn't you just call”

It didn't seem reasonable at the time. I got kicked in the head a lot, okay? he parts his hair to show the large gash that may be getting infected. fiddleford all but passes out, the poor squeamish bastard. somebody probably says that as he leaves the room. “poor squeamish bastard.” stan is still pissed about being beaten and lowkey tortured only to break out and get punched in the face by his brother. his nose was broken and now it’s broken even worse. he has two fresh black eyes in the morning. ford feels bad for his “crime of passion” and stan just rolls his eyes like “next time just finish the job and get me with a nail bat, would ya? it’s more efficient.” “stanley, that isn’t funny.” “who said I was playin’, asshole?” that asswhooping really does a number on him, and mixed with the extra punches, they send him to the hospital, where they check over all of his other poorly-healing injuries (broken ribs, broken wrist, compound fractured foot (“and you WALKED here?” “what other choice did I have? Would you pick me up as a hitchhiker?”), bruised liver and lung, and untreated concussion.

Poor Stan.

3.) I’ve also got the plans for a sequel to He Himself sitting on the backburner! I’d intended for that to be a one-shot, but someone made a good point and it kinda just spiraled, and ultimately the Stans are dweebs who keep messing with time and concepts they have no business fiddling with by going back and back and back, and yeah. They’re getting sentenced to Globnar. Of course they are. Whether or not either of them want any of the possible outcomes to come to fruition is debatable.

4.) I got inspired by Coheed’s Domino the Destitute and now I have the bones for something that follows in the vein of that song. I don’t know exactly what’s gonna happen yet, but I do know that it’ll likely be called “While You Were Left with Nothing.” It might just devolve into a collection of songfics for a genre I’m pretty sure no one in this fandom even likes but that also sounds like a problem I’m not particularly concerned with. It is SUCH a Pines Twins Classic song, so if anyone knows it, please come gush with me over it pleasepleaseplease

5.) I’ve also got this REALLY, REALLY angsty idea for a story where a Portal Ford stumbles his way into a parallel Earth dimension and finds himself heading for Gravity Falls, just for the heck of it. He doesn’t like what he finds in the least.

6.) I also have this long, drawn-out file that’s a compilation of ideas for a collection of one-shots that focus on different ways the A Better World universe(s) could have gone. 99.999% of them are just SAD ENDINGS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I OPERATE, but one in particular (which is of course the longest outline/ficlet to date) has the potential for a happy ending, if you’ll forgive the messy formatting (I write and keep these on my phone):

Another stan gets into a yelling match with his ford, which stops after he tells him to do the first worthwhile thing in his life. Stan snatches the journal and storms out at that. Ford stabilizes everything after a while, maybe two or three years, and reaches out to his brother again, asks him to come again. stan comes, gaunt and nervous looking, expecting another errand. is stunned when no request is made. is itching to leave after a short time, “before… before I, y’know…” “before you what?” “Before I can mess something else of yours up.” He makes good on his own suggestion, and bounces soon after. Ford calls him again, but is met with polite noncommittal responses towards ever coming back. It’s like he’s afraid of ford. maybe he read the journal. maybe he should be afraid of ford. his calls get less and less frequent, and their tone becomes more and more stilted. Ford doesn’t know what to do. He calls him again to let him know shermy was having grandkids, that he’d expressed that he wanted stan to be there. “he doesn’t mean that, ford. Nice gesture, though.” “stanley, he does want you there. don’t say that.” “I’m a stranger to his son. he doesn’t want some stranger there with him ’n his wife at the birth of his first kid. Ma ’n Pa’ll probably be there, too, ’n we know I’m not welcome there then.” he calls back to let him know the babies are twins. stan hangs up. Extra angst if Filbrick’s dead at this point and nobody told him. Ford’s calls go unanswered. after a few years of occasional, unanswered calls every few months, ford gives up. The kids go up for a summer visit. Mabel finds out Ford has a twin, digs through and finds the number and calls INCESSANTLY. Stan answers, but he’s not happy about it at all. Mabel works her magic and insists he comes to Oregon to meet her. They have a long talk about what went wrong. Stan finds himself surprised to be pouring his heart out to this stranger of a child, telling her how he messed up ford’s project and ruined his opportunity to get into a good school, and how he just made a big series of mistakes here and there down the years. He’s convinced Ford only talked to him or called him to be nice because he felt he was supposed to.

“I’m not anyone you wanna meet, kid.”

“And now?”

“what?”

“what do you do now?”

“taxi driver.”

“oooh!”

“Look kid, you probably shouldn’t be talking to me. I’m sure Ford doesn’t want you using his phone. Or talking to the likes of me. Aren’t you on summer break? shouldn’t you be outside or something? Aren’t you supposed to be playing outside?”

or better yet, ford’s like uhh kids how about a road trip? because they’re getting absolutely BORED and he wants to be a good summer guardian and let them have fun, I mean dipper’s happy to play DD&MD but mabel gets left out that way and none of her interests are anything Ford knows what to do with/about so she’s spending a lot of the summer knitting (Ford’s put strict stipulations on outdoors and w/e) so there’s not much she can really do?? she’s not allowed in the lab after a near-accident, though dipper still tags along. Ford notices the child growing listless and doesn’t know what to do about it, so by the point it’s reached a concerning high, he’s grasping at straws for ideas and some intern is like “my family always did road trips?” and he latches onto that. mabel’s scrapbook has turned remarkably dull, like she’s taking pictures of leaves and squirrels she sees on the porch and the trees and dipper’s pile of sweaty socks and everything is just so mundane but she’s trying really hard to make it sound exciting in the scrapbook and if ford ever finds it wow he’d feel so guilty

so they roadtrip and it’s hella awkward and since he’s doing this kinda for mabel even though she’s never expressed any desire to go on a road trip, he lets her kinda guide the itinerary? she picks wherever stan is living.

ford find mabel’s little cell phone or whatever and she’s been messaging stan and ford reads through it and is like “who is this G. S. with 9 heart eye emojis” and is ready to go kick some little punk’s ass but then he reads further and realizes it’s Stanley and he also seems to have no idea what she’s up to (and has said “kiddo, you can’t meet me. just cuz you know i’m your grunkle (ha! I like that name! Grunkle. it’s got a nice ring to it) doesn’t mean you gotta come visit. please don’t visit. I’m nobody you wanna see.” and she’s like okay fine I promise” though yeah that’s obviously a lie. he doesn’t know whether to confront her or not. obviously he should, but that opens the can of worms of why/how didn’t he even know where his brother was (stanley moved & got a new number and the last time ford tried to call the old number was disconnected) vs. how did SHE know “mabel, how did you find his number??” and “why won’t you let me meet my other grunkle?? HE’S SAD AND LONELY WHY DON’T YOU EVER VISIT HIM HE’S YOUR TWIN” etc

maybe mabel sent him a postcard right before they set off, so he’s texting her repeatedly like

“kid. kid, where are you? please don’t do anything stupid. please don’t be alone, I don’t know what I’d do if you got hurt on account of the likes of me.”

and that’s as far as I got, but then yeah there’s gonna be a happy reunion of course.

7.) I also have thank you cards to write and mail and just regular post cards, and also pen pal letters that are like OVER A YEAR OVERDUE BECAUSE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON WHY AM I LIKE THIS ALSO WHERE IS MY FANCY INK BOTTLE I JUST BOUGHT

8.) I’ve also got a little AU ficlet set after Weirdmageddon and Stan still has amnesia (Mabel’s scrapbook didn’t really work like they’d hoped.) Ford finds that he doesn’t have the heart to tell his brother the sad things about their lives so he just makes up happy, sweet little lies to fill Stan’s head with because he just can’t bring himself to hurt him and Stan doesn’t question it or think to wonder why after a certain point he’s no longer in any pictures.

Stan starts to remember his life via nightmares, which he just chalks up to being regular nightmares. He doesn’t want Ford to know he’s having them because they’ve always been such a happy, average family, right? It would be out of place for him to have…such awful, graphic nightmares. And it was bad enough that his brain was fuzzy and he couldn’t remember things so good, especially when Ford was so smart! 12 PhDs? Their family must’ve been so proud. He was so proud. It was bad enough Ford had gotten saddled with such a dumb…cousin? No, they were brothers. He couldn’t even remember he had a brother.

His nightmares get increasingly worse and at some point turn into flashbacks/night terrors and the most violent ones he relives send Ford into a panic. He didn’t know about THIS. Ford is wholly unprepared for firsthand experience of what Stan went through, and Stan is nearly mute about it all and refuses to talk because he’s ashamed of all the freaky dreams; Ford shouldn’t have to deal with any of this! Maybe he should just put him in a home, or something. He didn’t wanna hold him back, or anything. He’s not sure why Ford looks so heartbroken when he said that.

9.) This idea note’s just short and simple enough to stand on its own:

one-shot where Ford spends an evening demolishing the stan-o-war after the “incident.”

Call it “The Wind out of My Sails”

I imagine him having stolen a cigarette or something to watch the ship burn with.

10.) I’ve also got an idea for a sort of Southern Gothic AU where Mrs. McGucket is something of folk healer that may or may not dabble in the occult, which leads to all sorts of monster hunting shenanigans, with added kudzu action. Maybe the real monster was the friends we made along the way lol

...Hmm, that’s a lot and that’s super long, so I should probably stop right there while I’m ahead, haha!

I taaaaag, @themindofcc , @thefaceofhoe , @icefeels , @vermeerdear , @ancientouroboros , @femmeofthesouthernwild , and anyone else who’s jonesin’ to do this! (Tag me back! I’m always curious about what other folks are writing! :D)

#meeemz #writing #meta #forensic ford au #somewhat #among other things #clearly I am just a sad person wrapped in a comedic packaging #*sprays rosewater on self* begone THOughT

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ssgtsawyer-a · 8 years

Text

from the journal of jaxon sawyer

what: jaxon’s collected journal entries + letters + snippets of song lyrics he wrote where: written from the vegas airport, london, paris, porquerolles, new york, and jfk airport. when: over the last three weeks, since jaxon left vegas and throughout his trip. (day 1 - 24) why: because fkn development, y’all. extras: the rest of his trip pictures are here.

(disclaimer: all the song lyrics in here aren’t mine. i’m much too lazy of a poet for that. also, this shit is fucking long. it’s more for me to have it all in once place. [word count: ~5,350] tl;dr— jax went through shit, realized a lot of shit, worked through a lot of shit, and is now dealing with his shit.)

Day 1.

And so it's back to it now Enough turned out to be enough somehow What the fuck are you gonna do That was me, it wasn't you

I packed light And got right out Left a lot behind no More rhymes and less words I will keep them tucked under

At least you have another way to go At least you have another life to lose

And I have places for things again From now on I'll hold more in Turns out that I don't owe you shit And it was never my intention

To cause you harm Or to make you sore And I don't know what the final score is All I know is These days I'm quite over it

At least you have another way to go At least you have another life to lose

Day 2.

i forgot how much I love London. Of course it was raining when I got in, but it’s kind of lovely. Early, grey, London morning, where the city is just waking up from sleep, and getting started. There’s all these little puffs of steam from people’s coffees and tea, and all the street food carts opening up, and the city just smells clean. I don’t know. I spent a lot of really late nights that turned into early mornings on these streets, winding down from whatever trouble I’d gotten myself into, wandering my way home, eating terrible drunk food from sketchy carts. That was a tough time in my life, and I was in a really fucking awful place, but at least the city was wonderful. And honestly, I did have a lot of fun. It’s so fucking strange to find myself back here, in the same place where I first broke down, on the tail end of breaking down again. Maybe that’s why I came. It just seemed weirdly right to be here during all of this.

Plus I wanted to make amends. With everything that’s happened, I can’t be holding on to two broken hearts. I had to let go of the first one. I’m having a drink at the airport before I go find the car that Tim sent for me. I knew he would, and honestly it’s kind of sweet. It’s nice to know I have a place to run away to, and someone who cares about me. Someone that is outside of my life in Vegas. So, I hope these three days here, with him, will be good. And won’t fuck me up. We’ll see, huh?

This one's for the lonely, the one's that seek and find Only to be let down time after time This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall Come on friends, get up now, you're not alone at all

This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised They're only where they are now regardless of their fight This one's for believing if only for it's sake Come on friends get up now love is to be made

This is for the ones who stand, For the ones who try again For the ones who need a hand, For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves, I am only led to wonder why It comes in goes in waves, I am only led to wonder why Why I, why I try

Day 4.

well, we can check rebound sex off the breakup checklist. Damn, I forgot how insane sex was with him. We definitely have an undeniable chemistry. And boy, we do have fun. Sex like that, plus all the power dynamics, and my daddy issues, I remember why I was so drawn to him, and why I stuck around for so long with him. Despite everything. I beat myself up for a long time for being stupid and sticking around despite him hurting me. But I get it. I remember now. I loved him, but in a way that was always colored by desperation. I wanted him so bad to love me back, and to fucking show me, or tell me. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t understanding. We’ve talked though. He apologized, he explained. And I get it now. I understand. And I’m not angry. I’ve forgiven him. Yeah, he hurt me, and he added to my instability during that time. But he wasn’t the whole reason. I was largely responsible. I think that’s something I need to work on. Rationally considering my own responsibility in things. Instead of just blanket blaming myself, and others. Fuck. I think Jonny is right. I really do have to start actually dealing with things.

Anyways. We leave for Paris tomorrow. He’s gonna spend the first day with me there. Then I’ll stay the night, and head to Poquerolles in the morning. So far, this vacation is going great.

Arm your guards, un-break your horses Ours is feral love. Call your dogs and special forces All will come undone

But I bet you don't go crazy like you used to When you used to get down with me

Flee the scene, we scream ceasefire Look at what you've done All your men, and all your horses Scream enough's enough

But I bet you don't go crazy like you used to When you used to throw down with me

My love what have you done

Day 6. // Letter #1

Day 8.

I miss him. Fuck, I miss him so god damn much. I miss all the possibilities we had, and the future I thought we had. I miss my best friend, that I texted constantly. I miss my person, who would always hold my hand, or sit close to me. I miss my best friend who would demand to cuddle, and demand attention, and affection. He made me feel so good, so wanted, so valued. And he was always there. He always loved me no matter how stupid I was, or how many mistakes I made, or how much shit I got myself into. God, we talked so much, and spent so much god damn time together. And now… I’ll never have that again. Not with him. Fuck.

Getting my heartbroken is one thing. Losing my fucking best friend of 7 years and multiple tours of duty? I think that’s the absolute worst part of all this. We were each other’s person, and it was supposed to be forever. That’s why we got the tattoos. We both believed it so much. And now I don’t know if I’ll ever even talk to him again.

Fuck. I miss him.

I could've done much better for you But you could've done much better for me I'm sure

What if we got it all wrong? What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong?

So we tried our best, but it wasn't enough. And we tried so hard that we fucked it up And I understand, yeah I understand it love. It's gotta be hard what you're going through And I get what you say, but it's what we do, That got us here and I guess what's done is done.

The days are short and the nights are long, And it's all fucked up but we carry on Cause there's little else and there's nothing left to do And I could've done much better for you Yeah I could've done much better for you But you could've done much better for me, too.

What if we got it all wrong? What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong?

Day 11.

This isn't all about him. I mean, yeah it was heartbreaking and kind of devastating. I think he was just the catalyst. I just lost the crutch I'd been clinging to. There's been so much wrong with me for so long, and I've refused to deal with it. I used him, and my own delusions to cover it all up, and to limp along and get by. But the severity of everything ending, and the way it did, it just ripped away all that duct tape and safety pins and bandaids I've been using to ignore everything. This is more about finding my strength again, confronting myself, finding stability, finding healthy ways to deal.

And that’s something I’ve been so desperately ignoring. Because it’s fucking hard. It’s so much easier to just ignore shit, and drink, and fight, and fuck. To gorge myself on whatever easy pleasure I could find, to distract myself from the bad feelings. But it’s not working anymore. And everything that went down with Javier just proved that to me. Because one thing happened (a big thing, sure, but.) and I fucking fall completely apart. I was destroyed and out of my head and completely, deeply unstable. And damn, I can’t let that happened again. I need to fucking be strong enough, and stable enough within myself and on my own, to weather whatever storm life throws at me. I can’t let one person and his fickle feelings ruin me like this did.

I need to deal with my shit. And I think I’m starting to. And I think, it’s actually, surprisingly, going kind of well. There might be something to this healthy emotional coping behaviors after all.

— ( note: look up gaslighting. )

Day 14.

maybe sometimes love isn’t enough.

I think I’ve realize that. Love has always felt so elusive to me, and I thought if two people loved each other enough, that would be it, and that would be enough. God, I really really fucking believed that. But I think that’s just a fairytale maybe. Who would have guessed? 32 year old police officer, Marine war vet, ex-mma fighter… and I believed so completely in fairytale love.

And fuck. Maybe everything that went down with Javier is more complicated than I originally thought. It’s easier to see now, with plenty of space from the situation. And time to get my head clear and out of the fucking intensity of those emotions. I felt so betrayed, and played, and used. Because to me, ‘I love you’ is a promise and a commitment. So much more than any dumb label or official title. I would never say those words, whether I felt them or not, unless I was serious and ready for a lasting commitment, a real partnership.

But… maybe that’s not the case for Javier. I expected it was, and put all my eggs in that basket of expectations. Maybe that wasn’t fair of me—to put so much surety and expectation on something that was never made into a promise. I just thought it was. Crossing that line, taking that next step was such a huge thing for me, such a risk that scared the hell out of me, I think I needed that idea of surety. I needed it to be a sure thing to take that chance. And I clung to it, maybe without and real promise or concrete reason. But everything felt like promises, everything he said to me, all the sweet things, hops, fears, future plans… but maybe we just got caught up in the excitement and the flirting and the romance. The possibilities. Maybe he thought love would be enough too, before realizing it wasn’t. Maybe he just realized it sooner than I did. Or hell, maybe all that time he wanted me, he just built up what we would or could be in his head, and when it came down to it, he realized his fantasy of what it would be like wasn’t real.

I think that brings me some peace about the situation, weirdly enough… having some fault and blame makes me feel a little better. Not like this was done to me. But I had some hand, some control (however unconscious) over the events in my life. I got caught up in the fairytale. I wasn’t realistic about love and relationships and… us. Maybe if I had been more realistic, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt so bad. Maybe I did put too much pressure on… whatever Javier and I had been for those few days.

And fuck. Maybe sometimes life just sucks. And people change. And they change in ways that stop working with each other.

I think I’ve finally realized how bad we had been for each other. How codependent we’ve been. We spent ALL our time with each other, and he became the most important thing in my life, and not much else. I was so fucking preoccupied with him, and his problems, and his emotions, and how I could avoid upsetting him, how I could help him. And I had no idea how to stand on my own. He was my crutch, and that’s… not healthy. Plus, he made me feel crazy. He made my emotions feels too big and too much and not valid. And that’s fucked up. And who knows, I could have been bad for him too.

I guess at the end of the day… things just happen sometimes. Things don’t work out, because of lots of factors. Things can add up wrong, in ways you’d never expect. People change. And even friendships that long and seemingly sturdy, can just end. Life is fucked up, and nothing is ever certain.

Day 15.

I know going away was the best plan for me. But this weekend was hard. I kind of slipped back into going out and partying and drinking and shit, in order to just turn off for a while. And it was really fun. I was with good people. But as picturesque and serene as France seems, there’s no escaping people trying to escape. We went into Hyères to go to a club, and… well. I was at a club. The obvious thing happened.

And fuck. I think it was harder this time to say no than it was in Vegas. And not because I was unstable, or desperate, or needing to get out of my head. Just because I’m far away from anyone I know… anyone I’m responsible to. Being on vacation like this, for so long, and so far away, and so isolated… I feel like I’m not responsible for anything, to anyone. Like this isn’t really a part of my life. It’s separate. It’s on pause. Whatever happens here won’t carry over, because this isn’t real life. It’s like a dream. I’m already escaped. Ya know? Fuck, I don’t know how to explain it.

I mean. If I did do something here, like relapse or whatever. No one would ever have to know. It would be so fucking easy to keep it a secret. To indulge myself and never really have to face any consequences.

It’s scary. And this is the first time I’ve wanted to go home. Just to have my people around me. And to hold myself accountable to them.

I am working. And that helps. I don’t drink so much at night by myself, or stay up to late, because i gotta be at the docks early. and it feels good to be productive. but feeling good then doesn’t mean i’m not at risk anymore. clearly i am.

I think I just need to refocus on why I’m here, and what I’m doing here. And stay out of clubs and out of those kinds of environments.

(Side note. Having a threesome in france happened as easily as just having a one night stand back home. This place is a hedonist’s dream. Jesus fuck.)

Day 18.

I met a girl on the island. Well… she kind of met me. She heard me playing piano as she was walking down the road, and she just kinda… walked through the open door. It kind of scared the shit out of me, honestly. But she was pretty, and sweet, and apologetic for scaring me. And she complimented me. I closed up the piano as soon as she came in, but she kind of charmed me into relaxing. I hate playing in front of anyone except my family, but she was so lovely, it was too hard to say no.

So she sat with me, and she taught me some French songs. And we talked for a bit, had some tea. And then she ran back to her place while I made us some dinner, and she brought back her fucking violin. I swear, it was the randomest shit, and definitely not the way I ever expected to spend my evening.

But she came back, and we ate, and drank some wine, and then we played together. I showed her some of the stuff I’ve been working on writing, and she helped me clean it up a bit, and then she played along with me. And… well I’ve never played with anyone like that. It was so much fucking fun. And she kind of chided me for hiding away my talent and my passion. She said it was obvious how much I loved playing, and I should never be ashamed of making beauty. She really inspired me. And she made me feel less insecure and strange about my playing, and about my writing. She was the first person I ever showed my songs to, and it wasn’t the worst thing in the whole world, like I always thought it would be. She was really encouraging. And god, she played violin so beautifully.

Maybe I should be more open about my playing and what not. We’ll see.

Day 20. // Letter #2

It's over You don't need to tell me I hope you're with someone who makes you feel safe in your sleeping tonight I won't kill myself, trying to stay in your life I got no distance left to run

When you see me Please turn your back and walk away I don't want to see you Cos i know the dreams that you keep is wearing me When your coming down, think of me here I got no distance left to run

It's over, I knew it would end this way I hope you're with someone who makes you feel That this life is the night And it settles down, stays around Spends more time with you I got no distance left to run

Day 22.

I struggle enough with my own darkness. I fight against it constantly. I couldn't, and can't handle his darkness too. And there's so much. I think anyone that was in the military has so much darkness. It’s inescapable. It’s beat into us, and light is beat out of us just as fast. And I did what I could for him. I really did try so hard, but most times it just didn’t work. Most times I just made it worse. That fucking killed me. I felt so helpless, having to watch him shut down and lash out and pull away and push me away. It killed me. And I need to stop fighting, and forcing it, when he clearly doesn’t want, or need me or my help.

I need to do what I can for myself now. I need people who are brighter, lighter, seeking joy and fun and pleasure and warmth. I can't save him from himself. Maybe Marco can. I hope Marco can. But I'm done killing myself trying, and fighting so hard to stay in his life. I'm done with the struggle. I know relationships and friendships aren't ever easy... but god damn, they should not be that fucking hard.

Day 23.

I think there could be something real between Jonny and me. I think I didn’t completely fuck that up. And I think Javier was right. The door hasn’t been closed on Jonny and I. And I don’t think it ever will. He’s been so good for me lately. He’s always been good for me. Especially in the contrast to all my shit with Javier. Jonny makes me happy. He makes me feel… normal. Not like I’m broken, or crazy, or too sensitive or dramatic. He doesn’t make me feel insecure, or unstable, or scared. He makes me feel… good. He makes me feel strong.

I need to do this right. I need to work out my shit left over from Javier and all the big feelings I had for him. And I need to treat jonny like he deserves. I need to be honest, with myself and with him. I need to stop being selfish. Yeah… I’m gonna do this right. Because he makes me happy, and well. And I think I can do the same for him.

Slanted, broken, bent and fitted wrong A slo-mo incision, you're vicious I miss when you were my favorite song Now I don't know the lyrics anymore

Battleship is sunk, I'm drunk and high My head's desecrated My heart is still alive I wore out all my welcomes I'm done with being selfish And I know we're both better off Even though it doesn't feel that way at all When a new one does come along I'm just hoping I'll be ready for the fall

Day 24.

I think I'm scared to go home.

I'm sitting in JFK, waiting to board my flight, watching the minutes tick by, and I want to pause time. For just a little longer. A little longer of being away, of not being a part of real life, of not having to go back and put my life back together. I hate feeling fucking anxious.

It's been good, to be away, and I really have been dealing with shit. But... I still ran away. From everything. From my normal life that I can't not go back to. I still have to go back, and figure out how to move on with my life. I have to go home, and take all the shit he left there and... do something with it. Put pictures in a box. Put special gifts in there too. Really end that part of my life. And come to terms with that.

And fuck, I have to be in the same city as him and his fucking criminal. And god, I don't want to see either of them. But Vegas seems weirdly smaller than it actually is, and I run into fucking people all the time. At the worst possible moment too. And I just don't want to fucking see either of them.

But my family is there. My people are there. My job is there. And fuck, it just feels stupid to not want to be there, just because I'll be in the same city as him.

I'm trying to think of all the exciting things. Seeing Jeev now that he's back, seeing my mama and auntie and the girls. Seeing my dogs!! Being able to be there for my people. Seeing Jonny... and whatever that is going to turn into.

Fuck, I don't know. It'll be fine. I just... I'm not completely healed. I'm not completely over it. My work is far from over. And that scares me. Healing is fucking hard. Especially with all my other shit on top of it. And having to go back to work and... be a person.

I know it's going to be hard. But I'll be okay. No more ignoring shit. I can do this.

God, I really am excited to see Jonny.

How my thoughts they spin me 'round And how my thoughts they let me down

And how my dreams they spin me 'round And how my dreams they let me down

Then there's you, Then there's you

And how my love it spins me 'round And how my love it's let me down

Then there's you, Then there's you

You know I know that you know I've written it on myself if you can't tell

How my days they spin me 'round And how today it sets me down

Alongside you

#{ it's just me || self para }#{ jaxon's european adventures }#{ save }

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