#this isnt meant to shame anyone or point and laugh

[frozenhi-chews]

If I had a nickel for every time someone drew me a Starlo and forgot his glasses I think I'd have three nickels. Yall know the joke at this point but it's so funny. And not inherently a bad thing? But yeah Starlo has glasses XD

He's my nerd fjdjdjd

[noneedtofuckinganything]

When you decide that you actually want to live, it leaves you exhausted. You suddenly face this wreck of yourself and look at all the broken tools you're handling and think, how am I meant to fix it like this?

There is no gracious answer. He says, I went to a hundred events in a year to make some sort of human connection but the problem was myself, and I carried that everywhere, and it resonates. It resonates. He supplements "irreparable" and "broken" to your trailed off sentences and completes your thought process. It isn't gracious. Fixing it isnt gracious. You'll probably never fix it. You won't fix it. The damage is done, the damp is in, the rot sits too deep.

What you do is: you face it, and you accept. There is nothing else to do. The person you are now is the person who will become, who is already in becoming by deciding they want to be alive, is the person you will grow into. You must start with what you are given: mentally ill, overweight, disabled, poor, suicidal, starved--your current status quo is your starting point. There is no other place to begin moving from.

You have to go outside with this body and this face and these social skills (and their lack), with the history you bear in your scars and behaviour. This is whom other people have to meet and respond to, and you won't be ready for that. It is painful. By god I wish I could spare you and just let you arrive, fully formed, at this much better place. But I can't, and to arrive you have to walk this way torturous step by torturous step yourself.

You must start with what you are given. Put on your shoes and some lipstick and go for a walk. Call your friend. See your dad. Sit outside and read. Eat that bread. Take that shower. Invest in self care, and hold your own hand while you do it, because I can hold your hand for a while but I won't be there forever (temporariness is the beast of the matter).

He will hold you today. She held you once, in spirit. He held you once. You will not always be held. You must learn that your own embrace is enough.

It isn't gracious. You won't sleep. Your mind and heart will tear you to shreds, occasionally, and other days will feel like you're neurotypical, perfectly bland and content and so beautiful for the calm and simplicity of work, food, conversation, and sleep.

You are not weak if you lean on anyone. You never have, really. Not in ways that count. Who holds you today has held you closest and his loss is absolute, has the fatality and certitude of a Siken poem.

It isn't gracious when you decide that you want to live. There is sweat and tears and self doubt and vulnerability and shame and self hate, and going through all these in repetitive cycles until you stop wanting to tear yourself apart and can learn to breathe through it instead to carry on with your life.

I'm sorry it isn't different. I am so, so sorry.

Draw energy from being held right now, because remember how very much you weren't before. Enjoy it as it lasts. There is nothing else to do, really.

Live and suffer and learn, live and laugh and learn, live and just exist and learn.

I know you wish it were different. I am so very fucking sorry. I know you don't want it. I know you want out. I know. But you want to live more, don't you.

[laboflove]

Oikawa & Iwa X FR

•Aged up•

Word Count- 2363

❗Warnings❗{Smut, angst, praising, infatuation, ridiculing, cheating, body shaming}

A/N: Thicc Y/N who's dating Oikawa and although he says he loves her it doesnt seem that way.

He smiles as he sees your eyebrows pushed together, you were always so cute when you were angry, he just wanted to keep making fun of you to see that face. "Tooru" you suddenly say making his smile fade, "Yeah?" He says confused and your phone buzzes, "Nevermind, I have to go, Iwa is here" you say then kiss his cheek before leaving.

A frown forms on his face as he sees you walk off, you were always hanging out with Iwaizumi. It made him mad because you were HIS girlfriend not Iwaizumi's. He huffs then leaves as well, whatever, hed just make you remember how great it is to date him.

You walk in to find him on your bed and he smiles, "Hey" you both say, you climb onto the bed forgetting about today at work and he pulls you onto his chest. "Did you gain weight? Damn" he says with a chuckle making the thoughts come back, "I think, I'll lose it dont worry" you whisper as you move off and onto the side.

He pulls you close, his hands trailing your body making you anxious, you werent skinny like other girls, you had curves and Oikawa would always tease you about it, middle school to now and you always tried to lose weight but youd gain it back. An endless cycle and honestly the last thing you wanted right now was for him to be touching you like this.

Yet you dont stop him, instead closing your eyes and trying to fall asleep but his hands get more touchy, soon enough spreading your legs. "Not tonight Tooru" and his frown appears again, that's the second time this week you've called him that. "Okay" he says then turns around and you both fall asleep, one angry and confused and the other filled with dark thoughts.

"I just dont understand, shes been calling me Tooru this entire week, why?" He says as he passes the ball to Iwa, "Its your name" He says making him huff. He knew it was his name but you've never called him that before, so why now?!

"I dont like it, she never calls me that so why now? Did I do something wrong?" He says and Iwa stops, "You always make fun of her, im surprised she hasn't dumped you yet" and Oikawa's mouth goes dry. His biggest worry, something he never wants to happen, for you two to break up, you meant everything to him, youd always lift him up, give him pointers and take care of him. You couldn't leave him, you're all he had.

"S-she knows I'm just kidding, I don't mean any of it" he says then the ball flies towards him, "Iwa-!", "It always sounds like you mean it, you tell her shes fat, that shes not pretty enough, that she isnt smart, terrible shit but you never say that you're just kidding. Even then you shouldnt say shit like that to someone who already deals with criticism as it is, you especially shouldn't say it to her because shes your goddam girlfriend" he leaves and Oikawa clenches his fists.

"Hey!" And he looks back, "Do you like her?!" He yells out earning a nod making his blood boil, "I've liked her since middle school, even more in high school and the most right now, but she made the stupidest decision on dating you" and he walks off again.

"Youd never leave me right?" He asks as he rests his head on your chest, you dont answer making him look up with dim eyes, "You would?" He asks and you sigh, "If something were to happen yes but just breaking up with you for no reason would not happen" and he nods. "Um, what would be the reason?" He whispers remembering the conversation with Iwa, "If one of us cheats, I'd never do it but well..." you stop and he looks up at you.

"I-im sorry, I'll never hurt you like that ever again, so please dont leave me" you nod then place a kiss on his head.

He looks back at the tv but hes barely focusing on it, only remembering that night. He was drunk, saying terrible stuff and when he woke up he found you in front of him, sitting down, looking super tired and your eyes were so dry and red. He didnt know why till he looked around and found unfamiliar clothes, women's clothes.

You didnt talk to him about it, none of you brought it up and soon you were both back to normal but he knew that all trust created was gone.

His thoughts are broken by the familiar buzz pattern and you pull the phone to your ear, "Hey" you say with a smile, why cant you smile like that when you talk to him? Why doesnt your voice get all cute and soft with him? Why is it only with Iwa?

"Oh I'm with Oikawa" you say as your hand runs through his hair, he smiles and even more as you rest it on his cheek. "I-iwa" your hand twitches slightly and he can feel your aura change, "Dont call me until your done with that crap, God, you're worse than Oikawa" you put your phone down and he looks up at you.

"What's wrong?" He asks but you shake your head, "Its nothing, just Iwa being a bit of an asshole" he nods and you look at the tv.

"He doesnt love you, he says all that shit which he shouldnt be saying, what if he cheats on you again huh? "

You let out a sigh then close your eyes, uh oh, you're pissed.

"Hey" you hear, turning around you see them and shoot a smile, "Hey guys" you say as you slowly come to a stop. "Whatre you doing here?" One asks, "Oh uh well you know working out" you say and they nod. "Any specific reason? You look perfect already" you laugh making them confused, "Yeah right, if I was Oikawa wouldnt judge me 24/7" you say and they tilt their heads.

"Anyways, I'm gonna get back to this" you say with a small smile and they head to the other side, "Whatre you thinking?" Akaashi asks as Bokuto glares in your direction. "I'm thinking that I want to kill Oikawa", "As much as I'd love to help you do that, its illegal" he says and he huffs. "Only if i get caught".

"Whatre you doing?" He asks as his arms wrap around your waist, you step off and you smile, "Yes" you say and he rubs your stomach, it's not as squishy as before. "I finally lost 15 pounds" you whisper with a large smile and although he should be congratulating you it doesnt make sense. "Whyd you lose weight?" He asks and you look back, "For you, you wanted me to lose it remember?" You say and he looks at you in the mirror.

"I'll love you no matter what", "Haha, yeah right Mr. I want a trophy wife who's beautiful and perfect" you say then move away, his heart clenches hearing you say the words he regrets telling you. He didn't want anyone but you.

"Y-you know I love you right?" He says and you look at him, you dont say anything making his heart break. "I do Tooru, it's just hard to believe" and he looks down, "Okay".

"Y/N" he says for the thousandth time this night, "Are you even listening to me?! It's like you dont care about me! You're always off with Iwaizumi doing God knows what! Why cant you just love me! Only me!" The tears keep falling but you dont look back and you dont let a sob escape. For three days it's been like this, him finding anything to ridicule about and making sure you knew how terrible of a girlfriend you were.

You stand then look at the tree your parents gave you, well it was meant for both of you, something to resemble your love for each other, always growing and alive till death.

A sigh escapes your lips and you walks up to it, "Just as I suspec-", "If I cut this down does that mean were done too?" You ask surprising him. "What does that mean?" He asks and you turn to look at him, "I want to break up" and he looks down. You're crying, you're actually crying, hes never seen you cry, you always refused to look at him whenever you did so hes never got to see it and he wishes he never did.

"Why?", "Why? Why?! Why else Tooru?! Every second I spend with you hurts me! The love in our relationship cant even compare to the amount of pain there is! You give me so much shit and i try to be better, i try to become someone perfect for you but theres always something! I dont love Iwa like I love you! I never have! I only love you but it's like you dont think i do! Even though you're the one that cheated! You're the one that broke the trust! I should've broke up with you before!" You cover your mouth realizing what you just said and you look away.

You were right but why did you say all that stuff to him, he looks at you but quickly looks away. "I'm leaving" you say then rush past him, "W-where are you going?" He asks as he follows you upstairs, you couldn't leave, not like this. He has to say sorry, he has to fix it, he cant lose you!

"I dont know but I cant stay here" you pack stuff up as you avoid his hands, "No" he suddenly says as you reach for the front door. "Bye" you leave in a rush and he looks around, "NO! GET BACK HERE!" and he falls to ground. It actually happened, you left him, you left him and it's his fault, who's going to love him now? Who's going to help him when he gets sick and who's he going to tease?

He leans in as he holds you close, "I love you" he whispers but you stop him, "Its been two months yet you still push me away", "I didnt have sex with Tooru till we were five months in" you say but he doesnt stop, "Oh c'mon, you know you want to so ju-", "Can you stop? I'm really not in the mood for anything like this" you say as you push his hands away from your stomach and thighs.

"Oh I get it" he says as he pins your hands above your head, "You think I'm like Oikawa, that I'll point out your flaws, that I'll think you're ugly, that I dont actually want you" he says into your ear and you look away, he was right and you both knew that. "Well guess what, we all have flaws, I dont think you're ugly and damn do I want you" he kisses you hard but your squirm in his embrace.

"N-no Iwa stop" you let out with a soft moan as he rubs his knee against your clothed heat, "Why? We both want this, you just cant admit it" his tongue trails up your neck as you resist him only making him want you more. "So soft and you always smell so good" he murmurs as you grind against his knee although your mind is saying you dont want this.

"So pretty, especially these moans" desperate whines leave your mouth as he slowly undresses you, "Heh, I think we should take this to the bed" he says as he looks down at your naked body.

Your arms cover yourself as much as they can as he lifts you bridal style, "M-maybe we should wait, i-i should lose a few m-", "Shut the hell up or else I will tie you up" you nod fast and he places you on the bed. "Fuck me" you turn red seeing his eyes take you in, he reaches for his shirt and you move up to help him but he pushes you down making you bounce a bit.

"Stay right there" he undresses as you watch, once hes done he spreads your legs making your body heat up and filling you with so many emotions. "So perfect" he says as he pushes in slowly, you hiss slightly at the feeling you havent felt in such a long time. "Ah- no, Haji-!" He thrusts harder and faster making the frame hit the wall, over and over.

"So warm, so tight and it feels so good" moans leave his mouth making you bite your lip, this felt so different, way too different. "Dont think about him" he says as he thrusts hard sending your eyes wide open, "I-I dont know how he fucked you, or if hes a goddamn sub but dont! Fucking! Think about him!" He growls out with a thrust each time, feeling angry that even now you're still thinking about him. "Sorrysorrysorry!"

Pants leave his mouth as cries leave yours, "God I love you, I love you so much" he mutters as he looks at your pink cheeks and tears falling down your face, he lowers next to your ear as one hand holds your thigh as the other holds your head close to him. "I love the way you just clamp around me" his hips slow down, grinding against you, "I feel like coming every time I thrust into you, that's how good you feel" you tighten around him as the praises keep coming.

Why did this feel so good? Just his words were getting you there and it was so embarrassing that he made you feel this way. "I just cant believe that the woman I've loved since I was 13 is finally mine, that were here together and you're in my arms" he stops to kiss you and you sniffle slightly, "You can come now" a soft cry fills the room as you come and he thrusts a bit more leading to groans and a warm feeling in your core.

"You're mine, only mine".

[voidselfshipp]

Troubled troubles

Ok to rb

Summary:Basically s/I and adler fluff, a bit of angst and a buttload of oc stuff

Gif by travellar on Tumblr

@romancologist @mycinnamonapples uwu

Another Slam of hands on the table announces jerico that adler is yet having problems with something, she sighs Rolling her shoulders back, and her two cats sit ontop of them.

--Oh boy I do love hearing my boyfriend mad--she said playfully leaning on the doorsill of adler's Office.

Russel turns to look at her, he smiles a bit --Hey princess, sorry for makin too much noise,I know you dont like that

Jeri shrugged and Walked over, sitting on her boyfriends lap--Okay let me see whats up

--Ive been trying to fix this radio for Woods, nothings workin

She takes the radio and looks at it--Did you notice some of the cables are broken? Like when your headphones cable is broken and you twist the cord around for it to work?

--...wait what?

--Yeah its broken see?

Adler internally facepalms as his cheeks turn red--How could I not notice that?

Jer kisses his scarred cheek and leaves the radio on the desk standing up--Anyway ill go chance, todays prayer Day at cycle coasts main temple,you sure you dont want to go?

--No babe,im alright you go enjoy your terran stuff

She chuckled and shook her head walking over to her room to change.

The Roaring of the motorcycle engine drowned out any other sound in the garage, jerico put her helmet on,both of her cats tucked in her backpack,peeking through the semi Open compartment.

Her black cat mewls and presses their snout against the back of her head--Im alright vica,I just wish Russ came with me whenever we have celebrations, its something I dont want him to miss...but alas...--Her cat hissed and she snorted a chuckle-- dont be mad at him,our culture can be hard to digest

The cat rolled their eyes and sunk back into her backpack.

The wind hit her visor as she drove to cycle coast, she looked at the cloudy Sky, and sped up.

The drums could already be heard, jer chained her motorcycle to a post and Walked to the beach,there people in traditional terran wear danced with fans,banners and sticks, she sat amongst the crowd listening to the old woman talk.

Her hair was long,braids sprinkled about her hair, white as the moon,the traditional pristess robe, blue and black touched the sand and her long sleeves draped as she talked.

--Jerico...nice to see you could join Us.

Jerico smiled--Id never miss it

--did you bring your handsome boyfriend with you?

Jeri looked away--no,hes not really into our culture

The old womans brow furrow--such a shame...I wanted to meet him--she then perked up at the audience --You see, jerico has come here since she was a little trouble making bean about this tall--she puts her hand against her shoulder--so she heard this tale Many many times

When humans and gods lived along eachother--the elder pristess said-- and demons Ran amok at night,our goddess of death fell in love with one of those creatures.

She had Fallen for the King of the black demon hell, and had a child.

This is the child we'll talk about,in our books hes named xazo kazlaz or bell, it says that then elementus got wind of their relationshipp and they had to split.

About deaths son however.. she raised him to be the one that would guide the people to the afterlife...or hell navigating through the vast ocean of the dead with bells to guide him and Open the Doors to each realm...

Does anybody know why hes represented as an axolotl?--

Jerico raised her hand, and the pristess let her talk--because hes both a god and a demon, hes half and half like the axolotl that is an amphibian creature

The woman nodded-- very good,now lets commune back at the temple shall we?

As the people left, both the priestess and jeri were left alone,both Walked a bit distanced from the crowd.

--Thats one of my favourite stories you know zaivelaz

The woman smiled--I know thats why when I got your letter of you coming I changed it, its more interesting that the story of our patron goddess fighting over a piece of cheese

Jer started to laugh--Yeah that day was one hell of a day

Zaivelaz shook her head--Being a goddess amongst humans is hard?

--Like you have no idea,specially with my boyfriend,two of the people gods in my family had human partners and they...they died,im scared something similar Will happend to him

Her companion put a hand on jericos shoulder--It wont...I promise

--Thanks...zai

The steps along the floating bridge were Many,jeri couldnt help but wonder how it would be if adler was here.

She struggled so much with showing him her culture that it made her feel sad,then again one of the moral rules in Terras was not to force anyone,and she wouldnt break it.

She sat on the floor with the priestesses and closed her eyes interlocking her fingers as she softly whispered.

--Hey ozi...Been a while...--she sighed-- I left you some offerings by your statues feet, I know you dont like this sorta stuff...but ive missed you, a lot, just...just..tell eryz and abbadon that I love em..and that same goes to you..i love you aunt ozi

After the prayers it was time for the festival, jeri Spotted a young Man wearing all black, white eyes,and black hair in a bun.

The Man seemed to notice her as he ran to her,hugging her tightly.

--Abbadon!--She said kissing her cousins cheek--Ive missed you

Abbadon put his hand in his pockets--Ive missed you too...what I could not miss is this festival! All because of our family?, wow!

Jer giggled and offered her hand--Wanna dance?

--You bet!

Their feet moved in synch,the flags spun in circles as they danced.

Abbadon threw his banners and jeri catched him, and he hers.

They were enjoying themselves when the music stopped abruptly.

They Turned to see the people around them that were equally confused.

The musicians pointed at the huge tide approaching them.

Both demigod cousins stepped infront of the tide and stopped it as its about to break, they both looked at eachother and nodded.

Jeri pushed it to one side, and abbadon followed, the water splashed them and them only and nobody got hurt.

--Your mom needs to stop sending tides that could literally drown someone when she wants to send a sign...

Abbadon crouched putting his hands on his knees,batting his hand at his cousin--i tried... no way talking her out of It

The celebration ended with no further altercations, jerico went back home and took a quick warm shower to then collapse on the bed.

--Hes still with that fucking radio isnt he?...--She sighed giving up--why do I even try anymore?

The sun filtered through the blinds jerico groaned and opened her eyes,only to find her boyfriends spot on the bed empty.

She grunts and sits up, her cats sitting on her lap-- I know I know..--she picks them up and walks to the kitchen where she gives both of them their food.

Jeri felt a pair of arms hug her from behind, she sighs nuzzling into adlers chest.

--Good morning sweetheart

--Hey...

--Watcha cooking there?

--Bacon and eggs for you and a healthy terran breakfast for me

--Oh...good

Both ended up eating their breakfast in silence, Russell could tell there was something wrong with his girlfriend, he took her hand and she looked at him,those beautiful eyes he loved looking at were filled to the brim with sadness.

--babe...whats up?--He asked concerned.

--I just...wish you could come with me whenever we have festivals here--she said taking a bite from her waffle that had cream and pieces of caramelized fruit--its something I really really want you to participate in...but I know you dont like this sorta stuff and I wont force you

Adler sits back realizing what he had done, hes been neglecting a part of her that is important to her,those were her roots and he was stepping all over them.

He finished his breakfast and Walked over to her, lifting her up and hugging her--Im so sorry babe--he kissed her cheek-- I know this is important to you and i--

Jeri smiled kissing him again and cupping his cheeks--How about you come to todays festival in time temple with me huh?you dont have to wear our traditional attire,but I tell you it gets cold there

--Id love to, do I have to bring something?

--Not really, im going to make an offering though,it depends on the person

--perfect then...cant wait

Both smiled and kissed again.

The end of the day arrived quickly between work and chores to do.

Adler was waiting by the door fixing his leather jacket.

--How do I look?

Russ looks up at jerico and gasps--Very pretty

She smiled playing with the hem of her green turtle neck that had her shoulders peeking, her roman sandals clicked and clacked with every step she made.

The drive to time temple wasnt long, and luckily they arrived just in time for the story.

The elder priestess smiled when she saw jerico and nodded, proceeding to talk-- a long time ago, the second generation of dieties were born, they were meant to regulate life, amongst the three of them we find our patron goddess...chronos the incessant pass of time...

Elementus tasked a human to build a machine that could measure time, that is when the first sun clock was born,the human handed it to the Creator and with a sprinkle of magic the clock changed into a small girl, with short black hair, she had pale skin and two pale blue eyes, and from there,she was born.

Trained by elementus sister, Ray,the god of war...she then moved to her Realm where she measures time and the life of every being in existence..., from humans to animals and even objects, some say that she collects clocks of all kind and if.you want to meet her youll need to bring the rarest of clocks,of course, its all myths...or...are they?--the priestess finished her tale,and the offerings began.

Adler uncomfortably stayed behind as jeri prayed,she then Turned to him and ushered him to come closer.

--And this is my boyfriend, Russell

--Babe what are you doing?

--Introducing my aunt to you

--Your...aunt?

--Yeah ive told you like a month ago im half goddess..and this is my aunt...chronos

--I...I thought you were joking when you said that --Jeri Turned at her boyfriend with a face of pure disbelief,he hunched his back--Sorry...

--Anyway..chronos...hes my boyfriend Russell, I wish you were here to meet him...hes very sweet sometimes

--Sometimes?

She chuckled and kissed his cheek-- sometimes--she then Turned at the statue--i wish you were here to meet him, I really miss you--Adler gave her some space and sat back on the chair--i miss you and dad so much...--she stood up--Ill..ill see you later auntie chronos--she smiled and Walked over to adler hugging him.

The festival inside the temple was full of music and food of all kinds, and both came back home exhausted.

Adler maybe got a solid six ours of sleep before hes awaken by her girlfriends voice--Babe...babe wake up...

He smiled kissing her--Morning princess

--There you are,change quickly my family came to visit

His eyes Open wide --What?

--Yeah they are here, come on change

She patted his chest and Walked into the kitchen, where abbadon was setting the table.

Adler Walked in a few minutes later only to find two men and three women talking with her girlfriend,who noticed him and hugged him--Okay everyone, say hi to russel,Russell this is abbadon, this is chronos--she said pointing at the woman with short black hair and glasses-- those are my aunts eryz and ozi, aka the goddeses of life and death--

Adler was baffled at the normalcy jeri used when talking about her family,he looked at ozi,her black Long hair fell down to the floor, a scar along her left eye and she was wearing a long blue. sundress,eryz had short brown hair, using the same glasses as chronos was, she had vitiligo and was wearing a white shirtdress with a green fitted blazer--and this is my Dad,Raymond.

To say adler was scared shitless was an understatement,his father in law was wearing a black leather jacket,black jeans and boots,a white t-shirt and aviator sunglasses, he was also way taller than him,with his black hair pushed back and two scars on each side of his face,one under his right eye and one right on the left side of his jaw in the middle between his mouth and the spot where both jaw and neck meet.

Chronos laughed and softly elbowed Ray-- Raymond youre scaring the poor human

--He better treat my daughter alright..

Jeri smiled and kissed russel--Dont worry dad he does

They all sat to eat breakfast, adler seemed intimidated by the dietys around him,but slowly let his guard down, they were a pleaseant bunch in their own way, more human than hed like to think.

Sadly after breakfast they all had to leave.

After saying their goodbyes russel and jerico end up cuddling on the bed.

--Your family is nice--russel said as he ran his fingers through her hair.

--nexts to meet yours

He chuckled--Maybe

They kiss, and he hugs her waist enveloping her in a tight bear hug.

--I love you jer

--I love you too russ

[shiro-0197]

aw shiro, my love, don't worry about it!! i only hope you're okay and safe :d please only reply when you're free, and don't feel bad about it!! >:(

my day yesterday was okay, i've just been relaxing, and studying occasionally. went out to explore a nearby town too, it's so pretty there. and much colder (since it's a highlands) of course!! Today was great too. I bought doughnuts (they're amazing?? I love doughnuts), and I had instant ramen, but it was SO spicy I nearly died. (Three bottles of water later, because someone finished all the milk in the household *cough* me *cough*) and I'm still just reeling. Sucks having such low spice tolerance HAHA. I'm listening to some old school hip-hop rn, while typing this out :D how were your two days?

here are some i'll be using to teach english :d and that would honestly be much appreciated, he's getting on my last nerve rn. (I included the first few, what do you think?)

thats such a priceless feeling i so totally agree. you're so precious 🥺🥺 i'm sure they're prouder thank you imagine. you're so dedicated!! i'm sure all that extra research you've done will definitely pay off. it's good that you know what the job is roughly like, so you'll be really prepared when you finally do start it. you know that one scene, in the 2nd season of the great pretender? when the chinese mafia boss emphasizes the importance of a translator in literally everything? (like that book award example) i may be getting the thing muddled up, but i found that so cool. like yeah, a book or speech could be absolutely beautiful, but if everyone can't enjoy it due to it being a different language, it would be such a shame. i just find translators really important. sorry, i'm really dorky haha 🥺🥺

awww but i think your personality type is wonderful. a lot of my favourite characters are intj (they're all so precious istg grrrr) yes!! i was in a tooru brainrot yesterday too 😭😭😭 (saw a bunch of couples on my walk, and I was like "if only Tooru was real grrrr") and yes?? there'd be so much to learn from each and every one of them. dedication from hinata, savage lines from tsukki, kindness from yams/yachi, how to be a dork 101 from atsumu. aaaah 😭😭i'm sorry they're all so wonderful.

No pftttt I totally feel you. I saw some people without masks today and I was like "bro wtf" and just really loudly said "I sure hope everyone starts following the rules so the cases don't increase" because I'm a lil bitch like that xD

awww okay!! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Mayo makes everything better, tbh >.< aww that's understandable! I don't have specific preferences but hearing the phrase "soggy cheese" makes me want to cry somewhere :( I don't like nuts in chocolate. I'm very passionate about that? XD ikr??

I'm surprised too, I usually never pass on murder, but I guess you're just special like that 👉👈 sir I'd get married to you as many times as you'd like 😼 oops sorry for being cheesy, but—you like cheese ;)

U

I won't ask why, don't worry. Since I kinda feel the same about Malaysia tbh. It's a love hate relationship, I think HAHA but yeah 😣😣 i don't look up to US at all, and it sucks because people generally do. And I'm just like ;-; why (no offense to Americans tho lol)

is that even legal omg they're so chaotic?? XD how cute tho. Angel does stuff like that all the time too, but I'd never know that when I first met her (she has the most perfect exterior, and then when you get to know her; she's the biggest dork) Schools opening on the 20th, I can't wait to see her then :] (I can, however, wait for the exams which are scheduled for the 25th ugh)

peanut butter is indeed yellow, not up for discussion hehe :) here's my favourite hues!! I love gentle, soft hues like these (pastels) , for yellow; I don't have a favourite. they're all wonderful

ahhh no that's so precious of you!! :)) I'm smiling rn.

yeah skdhskdjsk I'M JUST SO GRRR. Whenever someone goes "hey Ari can you ______" and we both respond?? The tension?? In the air?? Bro skdjskks. 😔🤚 You share a name with one of the most precious characters too tho!!;

This is Shiro from Voltron hehe. I love him so much, just like I love you (tho I'm sure we both know I love you more <3)

I share a name with a book character. His name is Aristotle Mendoza, but his crush-turned-boyfriend calls him "Ari" (which has been my nickname since I was 12). Reading it for the first time was the BEST feeling ever. It's also my favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe".

—Ari :D (no pfttt I love the tag so much. I have my own tag, that's like the best thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺)

Heyyy I'm so sorry for answering so late!! I know you said not to apologize but..... well hmm no excuse I just feel like apologizing, but either way thank you for your patience!!♡ This is the third time I'm rewriting this, and this time I'm doing this in my notes because fuck it😔

Im glad to hear that!! Highlands are always so pretty. Wish we had those here, but it's only steppe here:( Boring~ ooh, donuts!!! They're really good. I havent much, but I tried them like 3 times and they're so good. I really hope I will get to eat more<3 also WHAT'S THOSE NOODLES' NAME I WANNA KNOW- Are you feeling okay now, though? XD

My days were nice!!! Felt as if I had been hiding three bodies, but I've been feeling better lately. We had online school yesterday so I'm excused from the errands for the half of the day, thankfully. But your messages make me very happy. Though I dont always feel like writing a response (or I get stressed because it doenst save) so very sorry for that😔

Ohh those look so pretty!! I'd totally join to just look at them. The colors are so nice🥺 it looks like one of our olympiad prep slides, though better. I dont have the screenshots sadly😩 Either way I really love the little details like the squiggly thingies or the Ж .... they seem unnecessary but the energy changes a lot without them hehe

I really hope they will be🥺 that'd mean a lot to me. And I'm also really hopeful itll work out. I really don't wanna disappoint my family, which is literally just one person. The less people there are, the more it hurts, you know?

Yeah, that scene meant so much to me!! I dknt remember much, but I was very happy they said something like that, because I've been told being a translator wont work out for me. Now look at me, I'm about to tell them to fuck themselves<3 I was also so surprised to see Laurent know that many languages ..... I aspire to be like him😩 And honestly, I havent though so deep of that but you opened my eyes and now I'm about to float off into the next universe😭 dont apologize though, its very cute!!!♥︎♥︎

Heheh, I guess you're right.. every single anime INTJ is a silent sexy mastermind and I love them . ... YEAH every single time I see a passing couple i cry because I dont have anyone 😡💔 and sometimes when I see people doing something amusing (which includes people failing cuz I'm evil) I just imagine one of the characters doing that and I smile all the way xD Honestly, I'd sell my father on black market for a single day with one of them:( though that may sound like a really low price because his cigarette filled lungs wouldnt cost a lot... I sound like my 7th grade self again I'm so sorry

BAHQHHANEJWJD I HOPE THEY WERE EMBARRASED. I HOPE THEY FELT AWKWARD AND OTHER PEOPLE DID TOO, they deserve it. Like, learn your lesson bitch, it's been a year!

Yeah!!! I love mayo, not to the point where I would gulp it down from the package, but it does make dishes taste good. Same, soggy cheese on itself sounds like a dish served in the ninth circle of hell. You should try nuts in honey!! Like, just straight up dip them in honey. Sounds weird, and it doesnt always taste NEJFJKSKF (depends on the honey)but I think it's worth trying xD Walnuts are the best with honey I think

That was so funny ... TOO FUNNY, I LAUGHED FOR LIKE . 3MINUTES STRAIGHT and I do not laugh when I'm tired. You really are special 😭😭😭😭 cheesy ... HAHRNFJJSF

I'm so sorry for being a bully like that but it's so funny how you left a single U there . Its so mysterious, was it in purpose? Or were you lost in the excitement if messaging me?

I was one of those people, honestly 😭 but mostly because I wasnt aware of its political condition, I guess. Maybe theres more than just politics that's bad about US, but honestly, it has more opportunities than this hellfire. Though now I'm more into Norway and Japan. Really wanna travel there :(

Heheh, yeah, we never really show off to strangers at first. I dont know what exactly I mean by we, but you get my point ♡ Good luck though!! I hope it goes well for you<3

Oh they looks so pretty!! They're really wonderful. Like bubblegum and cotton candy and literally anything sweet... it's so cute !!! And I totally agree, there isnt a bad yellow.

HAHAH, honestly, that reminds me of how there were 4 people with the same name in my class, and whenever the teacher did the attendance thing, they would all stand up. Teachers usually dont say the last names, so we always gotta ask which person they mean if theres more than one person with that name, so yeah.. That happened on accident at first, but then they just did it for trolling xD

OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY? HES SO PRECIOUS?? HUHHH??? I gotta thank Kuro for this wonderful opportunity of sharing a name with someone like .... him🥺

Oh that's so cool!! Also, he has a boyfriend ... I really need to start reading xD it's so cute though! It sounds like such a good book, I'm glad you share a name with him, hehe!!

I also share my real name with one of the characters in a kids' show, and its SO ugly, I'm in pain. Every time my friends see one of those on TV they go

Which is a pain in the ass, it's so embarrassing...........

Awh, okay!! I'm glad you love it, cuz I do too. Because it's your name.... cuz I love u. That was so lame PLEASEJWJDJSJF I HOPE YOUR DAY WAS GREAT !!! LOVE YOU

[cordytriestowrite]

Wrath

One Shot

Loki x Reader

Summary: You were usually amused by Loki's antics, but this one went too far.

Does anyone really like Mondays? You sure weren't a fan of the start of the work week, but the day was coming to a close. You took the subway home, barely hanging on to the cold metal pole in the middle of the crowded subway car. You rolled your shoulders back, feeling the tension pull at your muscles and creep up your neck into your skull. The beginnings of a headache settled upon you and you sighed, mentally exiting the rattling subway car and entering your apartment, anticipating the rest of your evening.

You imagined your boyfriend greeting you as you came in, smoothing down your hair at the sight of your tired face. He would kiss your forehead and offer to cook dinner while you relaxed in the bathtub. There would be candles and oils and...

The subway car came to a stop, pulling you from your fantasy. You sighed heavily, waiting for someone who was seated to stand and exit allowing you to take their space, but no one moved. You should have known, nothing in your life ever went the way you thought it did in your head.

Two more stops and you exited the subway, breathing in deeply after inhaling the stale air underground for over thirty minutes. Your feet ached with each step as you walked the remaining four blocks on autopilot. Your head took you back to your apartment and this time a more realistic fantasy blossomed. You would come home and your boyfriend might be there or he might not. Either way you would plop down on the couch and lose yourself in your latest obsession: Stardew Valley. You had invested a lot of time in the relaxing game and had been itching to play since you put it down late Sunday night. If anything could brighten your Monday mood it was running your farm in Stardew Valley until bed time.

Four flights of stairs and you were finally at your door. The foyer was silent and after you dropped your purse and keys you stepped further into your living room and heard faint conversation coming from the kitchen. You smiled softly, your boyfriends brother was visiting today. You decided not to disturb them, their alliance rocky and easily tipped like a poorly constructed seesaw. If it was going well you would not be the breeze that tilted them out of favor. You rushed excitedly to your Nintendo Switch, sitting in its dock next to your tv. You picked it up making the console portable, turning it on as you snuggled into the couch. You selected your profile and then your game, moving the joycons to the load button where your farm was saved, except it wouldnt move to the prompt. You frowned and double checked that you were on your profile and not your boyfriend's. You had set him up with a profile and encouraged him to play some games, but he declined immediately and had not even touched the gaming console since purchasing it for your birthday last month. But you were on your profile...

"Loki!" You called, pulling your tired body regretfully from the comfort of your couch. You called your boyfriend's name again when he didnt answer. You were feeling spikes of irritation at his lack of response. You entered the kitchen, jaw clenched and brows furrowed in anger.

Loki sat across from Thor at your kitchen table, both gods sipping mugs of beer. Thor looked up at you with a large welcoming smile that was slowly fading at the look on your face, but Loki was looking down at your hand and the game clasped in your tight fist. He gulped audibly, his adams apple bobbing up and down.

"I'm in trouble." He uttered, briefly flicking his panicked gaze to your eyes before looking to his brother for help.

Thor's eyes widened as he took in the scene unfolding between you and Loki. He picked up his mug and drank deeply until the large tankard was empty. With a swipe of his mouth using the back of his hand he cleared his throat and stood.

"I should go. Lots of work to do. People to save and all that." He said trying to keep his tone casual but failing to hide all of the awkwardness he was feeling. You stepped aside and Thor brushed past you and continued his way out of your apartment. His long legs bringing him to safety in only a few seconds.

"Work emergency my love, the world needs me." Loki attempted to ease past you and follow his brother but your hand came to his chest, stopping him long enough for you to block the doorway again.

"What happened to my game Loki?" You asked calmly, anger bubbling just underneath the surface.

Your relationship hadn't ever been easy. Living with the god of mischief meant a lot of things happened at your expense. Even though you suffered at the hands of Loki when he was feeling bored you found his good qualities mostly outweighed the pranks...mostly.

"I dont know?" He tried, offering you the smile he knew would make you melt in any other situation. It didnt work this time.

"Do you know what you've done Loki? This isnt like when you filled my underwear drawer with snakes or jump scared me with your copies hidden all over the house. This is hours of work just gone!" You felt your anger overflow and seep into your voice, ending your rant with a shrill whine that echoed even in your small kitchen.

"Its not even real, darling." Loki tried to reason, his hand running through his long dark hair as his own frustration bubbled up.

"Its real to me! It makes me happy and relaxes me."

"I'm real!" His voice overruled yours in volume his finger pointing at his own chest, "I make you happy! Why do you need to continue to play this stupid game instead of spending time with me?" He was panting heavily once he released the words he had wanted to tell you all weekend.

You stayed silent for a few moments, your own chest rising and falling rapidly. Your jaw was clenched, holding yourself back from jumping into another mindless bout of word vomit that would only worsen your argument. You thought carefully about his words. Loki had always been jealous, it was a trait of his you noticed early on in your relationship. He was jealous of his brother, jealous of his relationship with their father, his friendship with the Avengers, and for a long time jealous of his ability to be loved by a woman. When you came along it took Loki a long time to trust that you were actually into him and not using him to get to Thor. You looked down at the Nintendo Switch in your hand. Loki was jealous of this, for taking up so much of your time and attention. You felt a little bit of shame mingle in with the large mass of anger.

You must have been silent for too long because Loki was pulling your chin up to meet your eyes with his steely gaze. You reluctantly complied and stared fiercely at him, hoping he was only seeing the stubborn fury and not the guilt that was growing inside you. You were stubborn and so was he, so you could not hide your surprise when he wrapped his arms around your waist loosely and planted a lingering kiss to your forehead.

"I am sorry for what I've done, love. I did not realize it's importance to you." He whispered as he leaned his head against yours. You didnt bother to suppress your smile. You nuzzled into his chest and inhaled deeply. Loki rarely admitted he was wrong. You were finally softening him up after three years together and nothing could make you happier. You pulled away from his embrace just long enough to gently put the game down on the kitchen counter. You put your arms around Loki's neck, staring softly into his bright green eyes.

"You're more important than the game, Loki."

Your lips met gently as Loki closed the distance between you. Your lips fit so well with his own. Just like your first kiss and all the others you've shared before now you were left to swim in a sea of bliss with Loki's lips as your only floatarion device.

You parted only when you had no more breath in your lungs, which was always too soon for the god who could keep going easily. Your foreheads stayed pressed together as you laughed softly and stole a few more light pecks that Loki was more than willing to let you take. The terse air had dissipated entirely, leaving only contentment. Eventually Loki pulled away from you, leaving you slightly put out.

You watched him turn slightly and pick up the console in his large hand. The glowing display still on the starting screen of Stardew Valley. Loki pressed the button to begin a new game. He leaned against the counter and pulled you to him, one hand resting on your hip and the other holding the game watching it load the character creation.

"Now, I know I cannot bring your farm back," He said, punctuating his words with a couple kisses to your temple, "but we can start a new one. Together."

You smiled up at him and took the Switch from his hands. Your thumbs moved deftly across the buttons and directional stick, creating an pixilated version of Loki. He watched in amusement as you typed his name into the box and pressed 'okay'. As the game loaded you pulled his face to yours and shared another sweet kiss.

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[tiredbiplantlady]

Tbh I get it - the self-deprecating posts we all share with each other, notes in the hundred thousands or more, have their purpose. It makes us feel like hey, it isn’t just me who can’t get out of bed. It isnt just me who is terrified for the future. It isnt just me who has wild mood swings and depressive episodes. It isnt just me who half jokes about killing myself in the form of morbid memes.

And yet, what is the price I pay for surrounding myself with those things on a daily basis? I feel a sense of solidarity with people who post and reblog them. I laugh a poisonous laugh at myself and the world, joking about the uncertainty because what else am I to do? “I guess sometimes all you can do is laugh.” But it reminds me of my mother who never makes any changes in her life and is horrified of the thought. She fantasizes, applies for jobs, looks at apartments and she never follows through even when she had a shot. She shoots herself in the foot before she even takes a chance. I grew up learning that and I’m tired of being it. Of following the path that’s leading me to be it even more. Things are miserable for her and she laughs the most morbid, sad and self hating laugh when bad things happen - “life is bad no matter what so what did I expect bahahaha!”

I get it that people need those things, memes about being ready for death and laughing about hating myself. Maybe you won’t tomorrow. Maybe you will. I don’t need them now, and I’m tired of being surrounded by it because quite frankly, I believe the constant presence stops becoming solidarity and more like a giant ball of negativity we all keep rolling in motion, perpetuating an endless cycle of believing it’s okay to call yourself worthless trash as a joke. Habitation, desensitization are real. We talk about it with violence, porn, rape culture depending on your political views, so why do we hurl insults at ourselves even as jokes and act like being self-deprecating will cause growth? I'm not shaming anyone for doing and coping the best they know how right now, but I am pointing out something I've noticed for the first time.

I’m tired of hating myself and perpetuating the haha-so-funny aspect of these type of posts. “I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m trash lol” of course I don’t know what I’m doing but that doesn’t mean I’m trash. Or a child. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and that’s all I can do. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t wait to learn how. Just because I don’t know something doesn’t mean I’m still a kid faking being an adult and talking about it as “adulting”. I am allowed to play video games, make dumb mistakes, watch kid movies AND go to grad school, pay bills, and work a steady job. That doesn’t make me less of an adult or as though I’m faking and not a real one.

This last weekend, someone called out my victim mentality self-deprecating patterns of speech in a gentle but honest way, telling me that just because something fucked up happened to me doesn’t mean that I’m a fuck up or I’m fucked up. I’m just a person and these things that happened to me are not who I am or dictate what I’m capable of. As long as I continually see myself as unworthy, I’m going to keep myself from growing and learning as much as I could be. And that truly moved me, sparked something that changed me. I’ve known these things and for whatever reason it took that conversation to do it.

I was victimized but I’m not a victim now. I am victimizing myself and going in circles pretending everything in my life is beyond my control, at the mercy of fate or someone else’s choices. And of course I feel that way when that has been my life for years. But that isn’t my life now. I am in control of me, I am capable and strong and I don’t always know what I’m doing but I can learn, and I can do right by me even if it hurts other people for me to do so. Sometimes disappointing people is necessary to do what’s best for you. The more you listen the stronger your intuition whispers to you and I’m still learning.

I want to surround myself with postive and supportive people who want to see me grow, jot people who want to drag me into their self-deprecation cycle so we’re codependently relying on each other for validation and allowing one another to hate ourselves because at least I’m not alone. I don’t think people even do it on purpose, but I feel like that culture of supporting one another’s bad thought patterns happens here so much. Like how thinspo and pro-ana groups give each other tips to hide their issues to slowly kill themselves and make each others psychological misperceptions and self hatred worse. It’s one thing to be supportive of someone and not shaming them for feeling self hatred - that’s being a good friend. But being in a group of self hating people who say it’s a joke and it’s funny and popular on here to talk about yourself as trash, as incapable, as fucked up has inarguably made my mental illness worse and has allowed me to forgo any responsibility for my feelings, desires and behaviors by saying “it’s just cause I’m fucked up/mentally ill/will never be good enough/my parents were shitty/etc.” And the longer I tell myself that the worse off I am. What happened to me does not determine my future and I AM capable of being the person I want to be, even if it’s hard and painful and I fall down a lot. Growing up how i did and having the traumatic experiences I’ve had has shaped the way I think about myself and the world. And I don’t want to give them that. Not anymore. I’m reclaiming my mind as my own, my body as my own, my desires and feelings and hopes and fears as my own. Of course it’s hard to undo what was the result of pain and trauma. Of course.

I don’t want to hate myself anymore and I don’t want to be afraid of being afraid. I don’t want to be afraid of failure or being alone. I’m breaking this cycle now. I want real support and encouragement, not laughing at how pathetic I am or how I can’t control my behavior based on my feelings. The past matters as far as changing its patterns, but the past is not today. What happened to me matters, but only because I became stronger as a result, not as an excuse to hate myself or not try anything new. I thought I’d never survive the trauma, that it was too much to handle. But I pulled thru. I avoid having a job because what if I mess up, fail, what if it’s too much to handle. The only way after what I’ve been thru for a job to be too much to handle is if it’s too much hope for me to have for the future, too many connections and opportunity to get close to people.

I deserve to be where I’m at because I worked to get there. And now I want more and I can work to get that too. I’m strong and powerful and no one can take my will from me. I survived and I will always survive. I rely on others, clinging, to meet basic needs, but it’s time to rely on myself to find them. It’s time to be the mother for myself I never had and set a better example for the wounded part of me to follow. I am good enough and my choices have given me everything I have and everything I don’t but want. And I am growing. I’m glad for the struggle and fear and pain and everything I’ve been through because it was leading to this and this is leading to even more I can’t yet see. I will do everything I cam to be the person I want to be and I can feel in my bones, in my heart, my soul that I can love myself as deeply as I wish to be loved, that I can achieve what I’m meant to achieve, and my mistakes do not define me, but how I handle them does. Trauma does not define me but how I work through it does, what I do with it does, and I desperately want to fly on my own. So I will teach myself how.

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Ryder Cup 2018: Guardian writers select their standout moments

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/ryder-cup-2018-guardian-writers-select-their-standout-moments/

Ryder Cup 2018: Guardian writers select their standout moments

Francesco Molinari was the standout performer while Justin Thomas, Tommy Fleetwood and Ian Poulter were among those who also had a tournament to remember

Player of the tournament

Francesco Molinari. Nobody comes close. The plaudit is all the more valid because Molinari will be bashful about accepting it. Ewan Murray

Francesco Molinari. Who else? I dont know what planet he lives on, said Thomas Bjrn, but its not the one that the rest of the players live on, thats for sure. Andy Bull

Francesco Molinari. Could there be anyone else after he became only the fourth player in Ryder Cup history to go 5/5? Afterwards his teammates joked that the Italian was so good he never saw the 18th hole only for a smiling Molinari to point out that hed played it once in practice. Sean Ingle

Francesco Molinari. As much as he would resist the suggestion, the Italian who has burdened himself with supporting West Ham United was more than compensated when he joined the pantheon of the elite by sweeping all five matches and being there for the final delivery of the sword, courtesy of Phil Mickelsons errant tee shot on the 16th. Kevin Mitchell

Francesco Molinari. But Webb Simpson deserves recognition, too; the Players champion always plotted his route wisely around a punitive course. Where else to complete his 2018 renaissance but Paris? Scott Murray

Rookie of the tournament

Tommy Fleetwood. On the course, Fleetwood was as impressive as ever (before running out of singles steam) while his general approach and demeanour was a breath of fresh air. The Ryder Cup was all the better for the Englishmans involvement. EM

Justin Thomas, who ended up carrying the US team. If a few of them had followed his lead the final result surely wouldnt have been so lopsided. AB

Justin Thomas. Tommy Fleetwood was brilliant too, but Thomas arguably had to do more of the heavy lifting, going 4/5 for an American team that was struggling and winning tight games against Ian Poulter and Jon Rahm on the Saturday morning with the help of his partner Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy in the singles. SI

Not Tommy Fleetwood, sadly, after his collapse in the singles left him with just the four wins with Francesco Molinari. Jon Rahm was a strong candidate, holding off the flickering challenge of Tiger Woods on Sunday. But Justin Thomass fourth point after a dog fight with Rory McIlroy left the most lasting impression of the new boys. KM

Tommy Fleetwood. For his record rookie haul, but also for his burgeoning bromance with Molinari. Europe loves a double-act: Seve and Ollie, Faldo and Monty, G-Mac and Wee Mac. Hooray for Moliwood! SM

Justin Thomas lines up a shot on the final day of the Ryder Cup, when he defeated Rory McIlroy in a tightly-fought singles match. On an individual level, the American had a good tournament. Photograph: Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Best celebration

Ian Poulter in the postbox outfit. He claims he will take it back to Florida and frame it. Poults frames everything, claimed Justin Rose. EM

Jon Rahm throwing his putter down, screaming and strutting around the 17th green after he closed out his singles match against Tiger Woods. AB

Ian Poulter isnt to everyones tastes but his prolonged and adrenalised chest-beating after defeating Dustin Johnson in the singles will live long in the memory. SI

Tommy Fleetwood has a symbiosis with the fans that is unforced and infectious. Even in defeat he was as ebullient as ever, the sign of a great team player, and embraced the fans with his trademark wide-legged squat. The man with the longest hair in golf also has the longest laugh. KM

Justin Thomas shushed and ear-cupped the crowd at 11 on Saturday afternoon, after which he almost seemed to be plotting a reverse takeover of Captain America Industries (CEO Patrick Reed). The gallery-baiting uniform suits him; he was indestructible after that. SM

Best match

Justin Rose/Jon Rahm v Tony Finau/Brooks Koepka. The first game of the event and the epitome of matchplay. Europe held an apparently decisive lead before Finau enjoyed an outrageous break on the 16th and Rose found water at the last. The US claimed the point. Breathtaking stuff. EM

Justin Thomass 1-up win over his great mate Rory McIlroy on Sunday, an 18-hole duel which twisted and turned one way then the other and back again. AB

A tough one to call but lets say Justin Thomas and Jordan Spieth against Ian Poulter and Jon Rahm given I followed it from inside the ropes. The match swung this way and that with seven birdies to Europe and 10 to the US team. SI

There were many to pick from, but for sheer tension and importance the lead singles on Sunday between Rory McIlroy and Justin Thomas was hard to beat. Both made mistakes, both fought for every point all the way to the end which was tragic for McIlroy when he plugged into a bunker on the 18th when all square. And Thomas was magnanimous in victory to cap off a fine, fighting win. KM

In a parallel universe, Alex Norn v Bryson DeChambeau decides everything. DeChambeau seals it for the US by wedging to 18 inches! No! Norn steals it for Europe with a 40-foot rake! Everyone piles on! Ah well, for a match that meant nothing in the real world it wasnt too bad as it was, given its wild denouement will come to visually define this victory. SM

Justin Rose and Jon Rahm congratulate each other during their fourballs match against Brooks Koepka and Tony Finau on the opening day of the Ryder Cup. Photograph: Francois Mori/AP

Funniest moment

Im lost, Im sorry Justin Thomas is completely unaware his father is writing a Ryder Cup diary for a newspaper in Kentucky as he is asked in a press conference whether there is shame attached to a sportswriter in the family. Am I missing something? EM

During their final press conference Jordan Spieth teased Tiger Woods about his habit of using military lingo. Woods, who had tuned out, blanked him. Spieth waited a beat then said: Good talk, Tiger. AB

Bubba Watson and Webb Simpson making a treble-bogey six to halve the par-three 2nd against Sergio Garca and Alex Norn during the Saturday foursomes. Incredibly, Watson and Norn and then Webb all went into the water yet the Europeans missed two putts for the hole. SI

By a distance the European teams calling out at their press conference of the stunningly self-regarding American golf writer who had predicted their downfall in apocalyptic terms. He will go unnamed here (which will irk him) but he took his licks then rushed to social media to glory in his instant fame. Donald Trump has more self-awareness than this comedian. KM

Patrick Reed playfully shushing the crowd after beating Tyrrell Hatton. The Masters champion cant catch a break whatever he does, but hopefully this self-deprecating callback followed by genuine applause for the gallery and warm congratulations for Europe wins him some new fans. SM

In 2020 Europe will…

Be well served by keeping Thomas Bjrn as part of the Ryder Cup fold. His captaincy was outstanding. EM

Lose to a US team built around Justin Thomas, Jordan Spieth and a rejuvenated Patrick Reed on a course set up to play to the Americans strengths. AB

Its too early to say, but they must have a chance of holding on to the Ryder Cup given its being played on the rugged links of Whistling Straits, a course that suits them more than Hazeltine did in 2016. SI

Be even stronger, with the steady maturing of Jon Rahm and Tommy Fleetwood. With any luck, Francesco Molinari will be there to reach for a fourth Ryder Cup triumph, and maybe by then Rory McIlroy has sorted out his putting woes. KM

Either go into the singles 10-6 up, or 10-6 down. SM

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[nprcy]

Three ways to Shop for Medium-Young-Old Adults During the Holiday Season

OH HI GUYS (Hi Mom, Hi random person I went to high school/university/Japan with who clicked on this link by accident.) WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL! So, I know it’s been quite some time since my last post (2 years) (*post-publishing correction, it’s been slightly less than 1 year. Eat me, at least I fact-checked.) but yeah, you know, things get so crazy when you find other ways to waste your time on the internet! Anyway, I’m back again-  here to give you some handy last- minute shopping tips for those ambiguously-aged adults who are SOOOOO THE WORST to buy gifts for! TBH it’s almost like they’re too old to do gifts anyway, but none of them have had children yet, so it’s awkward to stop now and it’s like... Chrasmas! 

I may not have been an adult doing adult-y things for a long time (SPOILER ALERT: I’m still not an adult) but I have been all three types of people on this list, so I know with absolute certainty what their deepest desires are during this sacred, gift-shoving-down-throat season.

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type One: Atoning Sinner

This is for that person who is SO PUMPED for a NEW YEAR AND A NEW... THEM! Help them on their way to starting over in January before it’s too late for them to start off their new year RIGHT. Because it’s not like time is relative, and a “new year” could really start at any point during our predictable, celestial tumble around the sun. No, no... no. Reinvention can only TRULY begin in the instance of January 1st until the next time we collectively agree it’s January 1st. Bottom line: this person is a real go getter, albeit a procrastinator, and they’re poorly equipped for their new start- so help them out by BUYing them... 

-a fitbit

-a prescriptio- I mean...subscription to a cardboard box of vegetables that comes to their neighbour’s house by accident every month

-fitness magazines featuring people on the cover who get paid to do exercise so they can look like that, but you can too!

-that new title about a specific food item by that famous doctor/trainer/actually someone who isn’t either of those things but has authority anyway

-passes to exercise classes 

-headphones to block out the voices in your head telling you that YOU CAN’T DO ANOTHER SQUAT #youcan #youdid

-a mug that says something empowering on it like “SHE DREAMED IT SO SHE DID IT” that is made of  ceramic or some other delicate material so you can’t actually use it in the environments in which you could actually use a silly slogan to boost your self confidence, but you’ll feel really pumped up while you eat your cereal

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type Two: Ambitious Sinner

This is for that special person who always makes you feel a little shittier about life and the future, but still makes you laugh about it. That’s a special person right there, you hold onto them. Just like anyone else, they have desires around the CHRASMAS season, albeit most of those desires are just for it to either not exist (sorry, can’t because CAPITALISM) or for it to pass by quickly and painlessly. Here are some items that will help that clock tick faster (remember, time is RELATIVE, and never more so than when you’re with your relatives.) Get them:

-alcohol of choice (enough to last them approximately just past new year’s day when the ‘holidays’ are ‘over’) 

-hangover pills (yes, they actually exist, and they can be found by the pedialyte in most pharmacies. You could also just give them pedialyte. It’s just like gatorade.)

-gatorade (because there are just more flavour varieties than pedialyte can compete with.)

-doritos for when the gatorade/pedialyte gets them too hydrated and depletes the necessary levels of salt they need in their system to function (tell them straight up eating raw packets of lipton’s chicken noodle soup will do the trick too)

-a bunch of those lemon scented wet wipes you stole/extorted out of some server at a chicken wing joint of your choice. They’re really handy if your life is always a mess and your recipient will appreciate how hard it was for you to get your hands on them- talk about thoughtful!

-a gel gem to cover their entire bathroom mirror so they don’t have to see themselves doing those cliche ‘stare at myself after dramatically splashing face’ moments during reflective moments of duress and shame

-a magic self-filling popcorn bowl that can be pulled out of thin air so that it can be used as a comical prop during moments of heated discussion, debate or general drama that you want your loved one to maliciously and fashionably enjoy

-magic dust that could revive their childlike wonder during the holiday season, and NO this is not code for cocaine

-matches for burning bridges 

Good for both of the people above: Sweatpants

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type Three: Combination/Nihilist

Aside from the sweatpants, buy the matches and the health magazines. They can either use them separately as they so choose or use them on one another to neutralise both items... and after a brief pouf of flame- create that amazing, empty void representing the futility of existence. Who knew you could give someone you love THAT? You’re welcome.

Oh- this has been a helpful article? Don’t forget to give me a thumb’s up and subscribe! 

*If you feel your 25+ something loved one is not well represented by these lists, it may be that they do not qualify as medium-young-old adults. This said, you may want to reference shopping lists for “Adults who Retain Childlike Wonder and Interests” or “Adults who are actually Adults So We Just Want Socks and Perhaps a Nice Bottle of Wine” or “Adults Who Have Children so Why Don’t Shop For Me Just Get Something For Baby Emry”  or even  “Yo, I Don’t Do Xmas Remember? That Time You Came To My Bat Mitzvah?” Adults. All of which I will release in my next blog post in the year 2025.

See you in 2025!