#this isnt having beef with anyone its just my addition im not here to argue

[jacepi-time]

But people have to bear in mind, some individuals are just that head empty. Its especially hard for some people who are neurodivergent especially who have ADHD to learn to pick up on clues of what someone wants. Because someone didn't pick up donuts or forgot to take out the trash doesn't mean that they're being willfully neglectful or that they don't care. A lot of times it just doesn't enter someone's mind that it would even be an option.

As someone ND I would have interpreted it to mean someone was texting me about craving something sweet but bemoaning that there's no treats in the house. A lot of times I will complain over a lack of a treat I want but I'm not asking someone to buy it for me, sometimes its a passing craving. If the text followed up with "can you pick some up on your way home" it would clarify the previous sentence, especially since that is still a standard way of asking someone for food. I might ask them if they want donuts if I were on a grocery trip but it might not pass my mind otherwise. I would feel bad about it afterward if they felt they were being neglected because of my obliviousness.

Neurodivergence is a spectrum and we can't assume everyone could pick up on these skills quickly. Sometimes it is the case of a husband being lazy and that is BAD, but it's in error to assume 1. This is mostly heterosexual couples problem and 2. That the partner is being intentionally malicious. I feel this is an issue that occurs in romantic relationships and platonic relationships like friends or roommates. Some people intentionally are lazy and ignore chores while others genuinely just don't see it. This is especially prevalent with those with ADHD who are often accused of being lazy or insensitive for similar reasons. As someone neurodivergent and memory issues I always need to be told to do chores to contribute with peers because I just will not see what needs to be done and its very difficult for me to see a full trash can and automatically think "I should throw this away." Not all brains work that way. Communication is important and yes people need to try to meet halfway but this applies to both sides of the relationship. If the wife was upset that he didn't get her donuts that's a valid emotion to feel but she should let her husband know what she meant so that in the future he would be aware of it. Not everyone is ignoring the signs to be abusive, a lot of times its genuinely difficult for some people to grasp. Someone can have so much love to give and show it in other ways but still forget to take the trash out. Its good to learn indirect cues but its by no means easy, for a lot of people it isn't something everyone on the spectrum can quickly grasp, its been years and I still can't fully despite my attempts, having so much trouble rise from this. The least someone can do if they know their friend or spouse is on the spectrum is to be more forgiving and understanding and make an effort to work together to find a manageable method to communicate. Everyone is different so we can't broad stroke solutions, but we can acknowledge both sides of the issue are validated in their frustrations and that a comfortable middle ground can be achieved.

I've seen a lot of "You have to communicate directly/don't expect other people to read your mind" posts going around tumblr lately and while I really do appreciate them because it's a skill a LOT of people need to work on, I do want to remind everyone to please meet people halfway sometimes.

I recently read a story on Reddit about a guy's pregnant wife texting him "I'm craving donuts but we don't have any in the house 😔" and he DIDN'T stop to pick up donuts on the way home from work. Everyone was taking his side because "she needs to communicate" and "he's not a mind reader" and "How was he supposed to know she wanted him to get donuts???" People, ffs, why on earth would she text him that while he was at work if not because she wanted him to get donuts? I was flabbergasted everyone was taking his side. "How was he supposed to know??" What? Like yeah it's true she didn't say "I want you to get me donuts" with those exact words in that exact order but the reason why people get upset if they hint they want you to do something and you don't do it is because they feel like you don't care about them and aren't actively thinking about their feelings. Especially in a marriage or LTR they are in a situation where the assumption is you care about filling the other person's needs.

Someone who loves and cares about someone will get the donuts "without being asked" just because their partner expresses a want or need. That's what someone is fishing for when they say "Aaaah I'm craving donuts 🥺🥺🥺" It's less about the donuts and more about feeling cared for. Sometimes straight up asking "Can you get me donuts?" defeats the purpose.

Also, women are typically socialized to communicate this way because they're punished socially for being too direct. I've heard that people of color, especially black people, often do this too because they're likely to be branded as "aggressive" if they're too direct with white people. So it might be a good idea to be a bit intersectional if we're trying to encourage people to be more direct.

Take the stereotypical example of a wife gets a new haircut and then gets upset that the husband doesn't notice. She's not literally mad at him for not saying the exact words "I like your new haircut." She's upset because she feels like he doesn't look at her and appreciate the efforts she's putting in anymore.

Obviously this will vary widely depending on the nature of your relationship with someone, but especially when it comes to intimate partnerships, there are certain things your significant other should not have to tell you directly. It's probably safe to assume your wife or husband wants a birthday present even if they don't ask for it. It's probably safe to assume your bf or gf would appreciate a valentine's day present or a compliment without them having to literally ask for it, unless they explicitly say otherwise.

This is difficult for a lot of neurodivergent people to learn manually if it's not instinctual and they didn't learn it growing up (lord knows I didn't) and yes, it's true that most people (especially NT people) should learn to communicate more directly. But also, your relationships would probably benefit from learning to read indirect cues and just pick up the donuts on the way home because you heard your wife is craving them. Sometimes what someone wants is for you to think about what they're feeling and what they want and do it without them asking directly. It's up to you whether or not you do that, but sometimes that is asking. I think this is what people generally mean when they say their partner is "thoughtful."