#this isnt coherent at all but its the best i got today
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may i ask what got you into gilbert? i am reading his route now and find him oddly terrifying
Sure, I don't mind, but... hmm.. I feel like I won't make much sense (i just woke up an hour ago). Also, I hope you know that just because a chara is popular, its fine if you don't vibe with him.
Because, yaknow. Gilbert is oddly terrifying. He does a lot of cute stuff, sure. He has a lot of good moments, yeah. But at the end of the day, he's still a dude that has killed many many people and knows just how to push a situation to make someone horrified with him.
A lot of it is due to [spoilers]. Honestly. But a chunk of it is primarily the fact that before I got into otome games, all I ever did was simp for the villains in games and shows often. A lot of villain type characters, or just bad guy characters, have a lot of charm to them.
Hmm... Gilbert specifically though... non-spoiler reasons: I liked how he treated the mc. I liked how in the first event he essentially told her that listening to her heart was important and not to let that be corrupted. He goes on to admit it disgusts him, but the first point he made was good advice towards staying true to held beliefs. (This event was like a year or so ago so I don't have the exact verbiage).
I believe he also scolds ('scolds') chev in regards to the body that is left outside of her balcony that day. I think he even briefly talks about his soldiers having ptsd essentially in regards to stuff like that.
And with that small tidbit, it shows a lot about Gilbert imo. Why would a terrifying dude give a single shit if a random fake noblewoman saw a dead body? He's killed a shitton of people, why isn't he more like Chev in that regard? And picking at that as I went through events and such showed that Gilbert had a very odd caring streak that contradicted some things he said/did. If you pick at that more as you go through events and stuff, you start to realize the nature of his 'beast' more.
Which, I think at that point, is moreso of a question of does that outweigh the reasons behind why he can be terrifying? For me, it's tipped over in his favor a bit more, and since he'a fictional and due to some rules he seems to have with these things, I'm willing to go hog wild about him.
But a lot of people aren't, because that squicks em out. And I think that's very fair, especially with the possessiveness he has.
Brain isn't working well, but another thing I love about him that shows in his route, is the way he encourages Mc to think further about certain things happening or her beliefs.
Idk if you care about spoilers, so I'm gonna put some under a cut to chat about them, just in case you do mind them. It's fine to just ignore whatever I say under the cut.
Some spoiler things that sealed the deal for me was that he primarily kills corrupt nobles/bad people. He gets upset when children are involved, he likes kids, he cares a LOT about obsidian to the point of doing his damnest to make a lot of advancements to better the lives of the people there (the killing of corrupt nobles was also for that reason as well, and others), the nature of his beast is essentially he was Very Much Like Emma, until the two people closest to him were killed.
And the nature of his possessiveness ties into that trauma as well. It's not a surprise for a man who has had the people he loved brutally taken away from him is possessive towards the person he finds hope and love in. They seem to be slowly working through Some possessive tendencies in future events (not taking them away fully at all, but working on smaller parts about it).
He's a dude who threw away his humanity solely to try and make Obsidian better, so others wouldn't have to go through what he did. And unfortunately that got skewed to dramatic levels, of course. But. Idk, I am a sucker for that shit- bad guy turned bad from an overwhelming amount of care for others to where he's turned his heart off to the best of his ability to try and make things better. And then ooooh noooo the mc makes him have part of a heart again!
I'm a sucker. Thats that. Bahahahahaha
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its friday night/saturday morning, you know the drill
im sorry
pls gimme more threezo today
i love him and his fluffy curly hair so so so much
MY BOYS
pls tell me what happened to zo
HIM AND HIS WORRIED BOYFRIEND FACE GHRBGHJR
he just wants him to be okay 🥺😭
HE SAID IT
im crying
why do these two have to make me FEEL things?
somehow in my head i read “hes mad as a hatter” in the voice of a little british lad and its very amusing to me and now you know
specifically a little british lad from an old movie where the audio is all crackly and too loud
LOOK AT THE MAN’S HAIR
no i will not shut up about his hair
bro you are not subtle
bro you are not subtle
MY BOY
i know i just watched 1000stars like three days ago, but it always makes me so happy whenever his incredibly but beautifully thick eyebrows appear on my screen.
im just realising how weird that sound
i meant his eyebrows along with the rest of his face
the existence of drake sattabut laedeke makes me happy
thats what i was trying to say
ooo yes i was hoping for more detail on jack’s depression. he really intrigues me as a character
me every day
hell yeah, consent is key, folks
the mattress is on an angle
thats really bugging me
can someone fix that please
surely thats some kind of safety hazard
why doesnt the mattress fit the bed frame
why isnt there some way to keep the mattress in place
what if youre a restless sleeper and you toss and turn and you fall off the bed and you knock your head on it?
if you knock it hard enough you could get a concussion
concussions arent good
they can lead to a lot of bad consequences
people should think more about concussions and concussion consequences when they design beds
concussion consequences is fun to say
concussion consequences concussion consequences concussion consequences, say it 5 times fast
oh yeah that’s right, theyre kissing
i got distracted by the mattress
the group is together!! :DD
i love their group dynamics
but most importantly
THREEZO
i am no longer enjoying the group dynamics
why do they have to fightttt
(i lied, im still enjoying the group dynamics. in fights, people are hurtful but truthful, so fights give a huge insight into the characters which is wonderful for analysis and picking the character apart)
this is the second episode in a row that three has lost his temper on the others a little bit and left the room at the end and zo has said ‘ill check on him’ and followed after him
anyway i love zo for it
he is good boyfriend
he is good friend
he is... hungry i think
^D^
i freaking love this man
bro their relationship is so freaking healthy
zo asks for permission to enter the room
he ignores the response, but only to keep him company. and i suspect that he knows him really well and knows that three should have someone with him, just to be there with him and help him relax
and he tries to bring three’s attention from the thoughts swirling around his mind and onto his physical presence, and three gets a little angry
but he communicates with zo, he tells him that he will answer questions, just not at that moment. he’s telling him that he’s willing to talk and communicate, but he needs time to understand so that he can explain his thoughts and feelings coherently. and he doesnt push zo away, either physically or verbally, so he tells him without words that he appreciates his presence, and he’s glad to have him there. he just cant really verbally communicate what’s going on right now, and that’s okay!
and then zo speaks to him. he gives him words of comfort, affirmation, support. he also provides the perspective of the others, a snippet of an insight into life outside of his own mind. “we all really did our best.”
“just because we lost once doesnt mean we will lose forever” ITS SO COMFORTING AND PERFECT how does he always seem to know the right thing to say
PLEASE THEYRE TOO CUTE
...
you know what im thinking
the msp brainrot is too strong
YIM SE YIM SE YIM SE
NGOW NGOW
anyway
VRJHDF HE SAID IT AGAINNNNN
i couldve gone more in depth about why theyre perfect but it’s 1am and im tired so i wont
“your hug can actually kill me. but im willing to die in your arms, zo” YOURE KIDDING. IT’S TOO CUTE. THEYRE TOO CUTE. THEYRE DESTROYING ME. AAAAAAAAAA VJRENJKR
I KNEW SHE KNEW
SOMEONE HAD TO KNOW AND THAT SOMEONE HAD TO BE AOI
reminding me of tinn’s little head scratch and “what just happened” in episode 4 after he accidentally made sound join the music club via hatred of him
oh hell yes, obligatory beach episode next week
the obligatory beach episode almost always ends up as my favourite episode
OMG THREEZO AT THE BEACH
I CANT WAIT
FINAL THOUGHTS:
im really glad cher and gun have finally figured out their relationship
i need to go to sleep
threezo are the greatest
#quodekash rambles about abaab#abaab#a boss and a babe#a boss and a babe series#a boss and a babe the series#threezo#zothree#ohmfluke#flukeohm#ohm thiphakorn#fluke pusit#mike chinnarat#guncher#chergun#forcebook#force jiratchapong#book kasidet#bookforce#jack abaab#abaab jack#jack's almighty curly hair#drake sattabut's almighty eyebrows
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played today for about 8 hours - my most coherent thought: WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK
im legit having so much fun my every waking thought is consumed by this game which is unfortunately as due to The Circumstances i cannot SPEND every waking moment playing this game. i am in agony but we stay silly.
(there will be spoilers for the start of the game up until post darvin recruitment below)
i love my rook - sometimes i wish they could be a bit more of a shit but im viewing it as the chaotic good au of my very chaotic neutral oc i decided to make my first rook. i think this will stand out less on a further playthrough where im playing a rook that i made for veilguard instead of an existing character who is best known for being an absolute wanker. this is also what i have stand and de riva (working title) for, as the antivan crows need to understand what a little shit they recruited. i also did tear up a little bit when they could literally say they were trans like. in as many words. that was so huge. theyre also GOREGEOUS i struggled a bit with cc at first and made what is canonically a 6'3 man tiny and had to go back after the start and totally remake them in the mirror but i actually like them better the second time lmaoooo a wins a win
game is fucking beautiful absolutely 10/10 every single environment is gorgeous and so are all the companions. feys hair is so bouncy when they run i am transfixed by it. d'meta's crossing was fucking hideous in a very good way and everything is so stunning. my pc is doing its level best and while we did crash once it seems to be running smoothly otherwise (apparently an ogre and rain physics is too much but the DRAGON runs fine. go figure)
the sound i made when dorian rocked up was not one from a rational human. that's my HUSBAND RIGHT THERE and hes GOREGEOUS. anyone saying he looks ugly is such a fucking coward thats the most fuckable late 30s man in thedas. i adore his stupid facial hair its so Him. i also gave my inquisitor a stupid mullet i like to think they are at an impasse where dorian will shave only when mahanon gets a reasonable haircut. theyre so husbands yall.
SPEAKING OF MAHANON i almost cried in the cc yall. getting to make him again and seeing him older and maybe-not-wiser and hearing the inquisition music in the bg.... wish we got a few more choice about him but ill live with it as it isnt his story anymore. im nervous for him to show up but im probably going to scream and cry about it in equal measure. anyway hes hot even with his stupid mullet. im so delighted we get to see him againta
literally in love with all the companions - fey is my planned lucanis romance bc im LITERALLY OBSESSED WITH HIM and have been since pregame and that has not changed but im SO excited to see everyone elses romances on my subsequent playthroughs - bellara is exactly what i wanted for my shadow dragon rook and she was their planned romance. also very excited for harding and the weirdo that is the mourn watches very own crypt baby cessair and for neve and her thembo boyfriend mordred the veiljumper but im also not sure if i can ever abandon treviso :((((( like i agree with lucanis there even without the romance minrathous HAS A WHOLEASS FLOATING SECURITY SYSTEM and youre telling me that did jackshit??? so we'll see how the neve romance goes lmao
ill probably post some screenshots of my rook tomorrow thats my favourite little fuck <3 im having so much fun and i dont even have all the companions yet i cannot wait to see how this all plays out and then do it over and over and over again
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i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)
Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.
Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ.
“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.
(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)
“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”
“You said that six seasons ago.”
Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”
“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.
Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.
(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)
“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”
A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.
Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)
Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.
Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.
“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”
“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.
“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”
“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.
“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”
Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.
“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”
“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.
“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.
Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.
Childe
12:35
ur a horrible influence on tonia
Childe
12:35
and whos this ZHONGLI
Childe
12:35
also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os
Twin 1
12:37
a normal person would say hi
Twin 1
12:37
also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school
Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?
Childe
12:38
thats not very convincing
Childe
12:38
also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares
Twin 1
12:39
isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12
Childe
12:42
thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”
Twin 1
12:42
well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk
Childe
12:42
whats asmr
Childe
12:43
asking for my sister btw
Twin 1
12:44
A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.
Childe
12:45
wtf?
Twin 1
12:45
people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????
Childe
12:45
idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos
Twin 1
12:47
… makes sense
Twin 1
12:47
check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type
Childe
12:48
i thought we were talking about my sister????
Twin 1
12:50
[message screenshots.jpg]
Twin 1
12:50
ya she told me everything
Twin 1
12:50
have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA
Childe
12:51
hope he does it
He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)
It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)
When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.
The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week. He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.
Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.
Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.
“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”
Holy shit.
For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)
His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.
Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”
This time is different though.
Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.
And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.
The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)
Oh God — oh fuck.
“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)
“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)
“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”
“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”
“Huh?”
The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?
“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.
“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.
“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”
“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”
“Yeah.”
Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.
Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.
#Genshin Impact#Childe/Zhongli#Childe & Tonia#Childe & Lumine#asmr fic p1#fuck ao3 (holds head in hands)#asmr fic
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Review Response, Dec 22 - 28, 2019
“28″, but I’ll be including the reviews that came in this morning. Because hey.
And... there are a lot. The most this year.
Legacy Prologue - Kalos
1) That first part DEFINITELY reminded me of the XY chapter, except Y is being the Hikikomori (shut-in) and X is trying to drag her out... It’s a good role-reversal!
I also wanted it to be like the time in XY where Y found out what happened to her mother and she got super depressed. Except this time, X tries to do something about it. Finally.
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Legacy #008
1) LOVED IT!
Thank you!
2) Poor moon. I loved this chapter
Hey, it’s you! <3 Thank you kindly.
3) WoW cool chapter. So blue confessionele next chapter hopefully? Lol have been waiting on that for the entire story so Lets hope its the case
Haven’t we all. ... Except for those that don’t like this pairing...
4) It’s nice to see platinum trying to help blue move things was a good chapter with nice interactions with the juniors and seniors all under the same roof
It’s like a big Dex Holder family! ... But not too big, since there are far too many of them nowadays! And despite Platinum not really wanting to get involved, she helps out anyways, as “foretold” by the Headcanon Chronology!
5) While Moon really should rest, the idea of her getting that Spirit of Vengeance team you posted about on your Tumblr sounds way too awesome. ...Also Umbreon bias since it's my first (and only) shiny, but yeah.
Poor Blue - it really is probably only going to hurt her the longer she keeps it in. Wonder how that is going to play out, since I guess Platinum's now put things in motion. I think the first scene in this chapter is the one I enjoyed the most.
Damn, for Moon's Pokemon to die like that...that's gotta be traumatizing. I have to admire that determination though, even though she's shaping up to be a revenge-obsessed character from what I see.
Awesome chapter as always and can't wait for the next one!
Hehe. Spirit of Vengeance. The amount of curse in that team would be quite terrifying. Hehehe... ... Only shiny, you say? Aww...
Platinum has gotten the ball rolling despite not really wanting to. MVP of the confession? Hehe... Sisterly bonds, indeed. Now, will it work out in favor for Blue??
Moon can’t be filled with a lust for vengeance if none of her friends and Pokemon have perished. And so now she rises from her agony with ice cold determination for blood to be spilled for the blood that had been shed. ... Or does that saying go the other way around? Heh. Regardless. She’s pissed, has a bow, lethal poison, and soon to be a team packed with ghosts (and Dark types).
Thank you as always! And you won’t have to wait long~!
6) Eh lucky really isnt my cup of tea but the way you write stories is pretty awesome keep up the good work!
I could tell by the anon ID you picked. To each their own. And thank you!
7) Awww blue being so shy hahahaha. Its like the roles have reversed since the first time they met thats so cute! Anyway Great story as usual
Hehe. Timid Blue~! It’s new and very cute, isn’t it? And thank you.
8) Hey man Great story looking forward to the next chapter
Thank you. It’s coming very soon.
9) Wow this is A really underrated story I really like how you keep most characters so in character!
Still underrated... in comparison to my previous stuff. But that’s to be expected, I guess. And thank you.
10) Well Colour me surprised ! A Pokemon story thats not forcing crack pairings! Anyway Where is green in this story?
Heh. Crack pairings... Only once in a solar eclipse. And... who? Heh. He’s in Kalos and thus off screen.
11) Wtf did moons Pokemon just die? Great story but damn thats fucking dark
Yes they perished in the fire. “Die, insect” and all. ... And one of them was an insect! Heh. Ahem. ... Dark? That’s not dark. Have you seen the stuff I did in SA and Destiny? Heh...
12) I mean I kinda like the story but isnt specialshipping canon? Also this is really really dark
No, it’s not canon. What is canon is that Yellow has a crush on Red. What’s also canon is that Red is uncomfortable with the idea. And of course he is. He thought she was a guy the whole time and then suddenly found out all at once that she was a girl and had a crush on him. His response is not going to be positive. And again, this is not dark. ... Though I guess that depends on your sensitivity.
13) hey sorry for not leaving A review for so long but I still really like the story lol!
Hey, you’re back. ... Then... who’s the anon with the v2 of your ID?
14) I love your writing style!
Thank you!
15) I somehow found Pearl smacking Black across the face to wake him up funnier than it should’ve been. Haha
I wonder if Blue really will confess to Red today. If so, I wonder how the opportunity would present itself.
Its quite sad that Hau, Lillie, and two of Moon’s Pokemon died. I guess this is where Moon’s overhaul comes in. I cant wait to see Moon’s viciousness unleashed when she inevitably meets the guys responsible for all that.
I look forward to more!
Hehe. Black always getting smacked around in my stories, literally and figuratively.
Will Blue truly confess on that day (which is a day before the stuff in Alola happens), or will she fail again due to anxiety? And will it end well for her??
Moon’s overhaul is happening now, yes. For that, she’ll have to go to Galar too. And I don’t know sh*t about that region, so... that’ll be difficult. Hehe. And much later in the story when she meets her foe... oho, Rage Unleashed Moon!
16) Moon and Lillie sure get burned really bad. Also, what about the kid with the malasadas? Hopefully, Blue will confessed to Red soon...
The local boy with the malasada had the same fate as Lillie. Two stretchers with a body on top, with the white blankets pulled all the way up.
17) I figured that now would be the best time to give a review for one of your works. therefore, I should review my personal favourite.
I been a consistent and long-time reader for numerous years now without ever leaving a review. I simply didn't have an account until recently just so I can give my thoughts on some of the series that you make.
Regarding Legacy as a whole, it truely showcases your ability to take the wide variety of dexholders and thiee different personalities and place them in situations that would absolutely never occur in the actual story. I have always loved the way you portray each individual character, improving thier teama and strategies and having genuine character growth. Although Sun and Moon are my uncontested favourite characters so far, I adore the way you use Platinum B in your stories, giving her a genuine personality and character traits.
You also generate a wide range of different and creative settings for each of the characters to go through. Legacy is the perfect example of this in terms of one truely coherent story setting. by using the opportunity of the highest stakes that these dexholders may ever face, you use the opportunity to explore all of the aspects of each character amazingly and how they would face this danger.
Since Sun and Moon are my favourite characters, the wait for this chapter absolutely killed me. Although it sucks that due to the lack of reviews for these characters I will get few opportunties to read your way of presenting the characters What I am trying to say is that the way you write your characters makes them feel REAL. I genuinely believe that these are the actual characters as they personalties are replicated and refined to perfection The way both Sun and Moon react in this chapter is exactly the way I would have expected them to. Being a Deliveryshipping day 1, seeing even the slightest interactions in any media, especially in your stories always brings joy to me. I have regulary reread most of your works such as Special Chronicals and Distinct Events becuase each story is chapter is amazing in its own right.
Your amazing work has inspired me to possibly start my own project one day. I am sorry for the stress that you have gone through this year and the issues with the Discord. It will get better this year. Seeing as you use reviews to indicate the popularity of a particular series, I had to write this review so that this series can get the update it deserves so that we can all see how this fantastic story ends. Thank your for all of the amazing work you have done.
Whoa, hello. Haven’t gotten a review this long since a certain someone stopped with Destiny reviews back in July.
Accounts aren’t necessary for the reviews. Guest reviews exist! And if you use the same anon ID, I’d know it’s you. But thank you for going through the effort! It’s much appreciated!
Aww, thank you very much! <3 And while I don’t know about Sun, but Moon is going to be in the spotlight quite a lot, so enjoy it! Since Platinum is my uncontested favorite, she gets plenty of development in my stories, with new character bonds, teams, battling style, etc. And unlike in DPPt, she actually gets to do things against the enemy.
Of the three major stories I’ve written (SA, Destiny, Legacy), Legacy has the lowest stakes. But I think it’s also the most personal, which I guess means it’s much more important for individual Dex Holders. Well, we’ll see as time passes. And yes, these are kind of things that would never happen in the actual arcs, so the Dex Holders get to be stress-tested. How would they react given their personalities, tics, relationships, etc, in a realistic situation?
Oh. ... Ahem. Sorry for making you wait 7 months. Ehehe... And while it’s true that Sun and Moon currently have the lowest “viewership”, that changes as time passes. Like Black and White in SA and X and Y in Destiny. As the “meh” torch is passed down to Sword and Shield, Sun and Moon might rise in popularity, thus increasing the chances of them appearing in my stories.
I don’t really know if this was how Sun would react though. But I also don’t know how he would’ve actually reacted, so this might not be outside the possibility range. I kind of had him act like Black, really, but without being as sweet... or loud. Well, there will be more Sun & Moon interactions for you to enjoy in the upcoming chapters, so... there you go!
You should start your own project! Go for it! And eh, Discord. Sh*t happens. I wouldn’t call that stress. Anyways. Yes, I use the review count as an indicator of how many people have finished the chapter. Of course, there are plenty of people who read the chapter to the end without reviewing, and the number of people who review after reading tends to fluctuate. But if there is a trend, that indicates a trend in viewership as well. And that is what I look at. Hence the charts. And yes. We’d all like to see how the story ends. Me included. Keep up with the reviews and we’ll all see it by 2021.
And thank you so much for the review and the... sweet talking. Hehe <3
18) Just found this story and am enjoying it thoroughly. Big fan of your Blue characterization as well, I used to enjoy shipping Red with Yellow, but recently, I've come to enjoy Blue with Red.
A small nitpick - Did none of the juniors comment on Red and Blue sleeping in the same room/bed while they stayed in Red's house in the last two chapters? I would assume the female juniors already know Blue likes Red and so won't say anything unnecessary, but I guess the guys are a little more tactful than we give them credit for?
Looking forward to me. Cheers.
Red with Blue works very well. And it’s cute! Hehe... ... biased.
Heh. The girls... already know, since the girls who are in the house were Platinum, White, and Y, and they already know of Blue’s crush and all that. So White and Y would just snicker at the fact that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed, while Platinum would just smile. As for the boys... Diamond might notice something if he spent more time talking to Red and Blue before and after. But I doubt Pearl or Black would notice anything odd. They’d probably just assume that Red and Blue are sharing the bed because a ton of guests were sleeping in the living room, so there were no other options.
Of course, all that’s assuming that the juniors know that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed. I don’t recall having Red and Blue give them a tour of the house, so as far as the juniors know, there might be another bed upstairs. ... Though a house tour is generally the first thing you do, but... heh. Ambiguity. No one knows for sure.
And I look forward to seeing more reviews from you!
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Well well. Would you look at THAT. Way above the average now. So... looks like I’ll have to keep my word and update Legacy again before this year ends in 3 days. Heh. Of course, I did notice a few things but... well... whatever.
18. That’s the most reviews I’ve gotten in a chapter in all of 2019. Or 2018. ... And vast majority of 2017 (Legacy Prologue - Kanto was in January 2017). If this kind of thing happened much more frequently, I would be updating Legacy like once every two weeks, instead of 3~4 times in a year.
But, there you have it! New record in almost 3 years. As a result... Legacy update in 3 days.
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DE #031
1) Sun and moon are so cute. I love them
Support the new...ish pairing!
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And with that, DE #031 is no longer in the top 4 least reviewed. Yay!
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SC #017
1) Awesome story.
Thank you.
2) Well that was...brutal alright. Thugs deserved it though. I'm mildly surprised no one died, but I think that's more because I'm used to seeing that from your old "doom hammer" chapters.
I admit the Santa part was an amusing touch, and I guess that explains why you needed to release this by the end of the year. Heh, Blue's gadgets are useful as always and very effective - that's a nice disguise. That action scene was awesome and easily the best scene in this chapter. The situation aside...it was nice to see Red be a hero even without his Pokemon.
You were right - this is an enjoyable chapter and I like this "brutal Red" experiment. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Heh. The doom hammer is for serious stories. Not comical ones. So no one dies in the hands of Santa Claus. This time.
Ahem. Well, there’s the inspiration for the chapter, and the reason behind the line of “Or Santa will go jolly on your naughty asses with a candy cane axe”. Hehe. Cheers, everyone, Santa has come to town!
And the duo of Red and Blue becomes much stronger. Mercenary Red with technological support!
Hehe. Much more serious brutal Red (instead of comical) to come up later as the experimentation continues. Ohoho!
3) holy crud, santa beating up a gang is greatest thing ever
Yep. Santa going to town on their naughty asses with a candy cane bat. What’s not to love?
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And with that, the latest SC chapter is now in the top 4 least reviewed. For now?
... Looks like the “A Day at Work” chapters are failing miserably, since they’re at 1 and 3 reviews respectively. So... I guess I won’t be doing that again.
And with this, the longest review response post of 2019 has come to an end.
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Burned Out Pt. 2 | s.m
this is part 2. catch up here.
warning: LONG ASS CHAPTER BECAUSE I HAD SO MANY IDEAS THAT I WANTED TO FIT IN UWU hope this makes you CRY / lots of build up i'm so soRrry (ran out of text blocks on this one so had to shorten it RIP)
The last time Shawn saw you was at his album launch party. He was reluctant to invite you, for reasons innumerable, but he couldn't not invite you either. He could tell you didn't want to be there, tell that you were all but shrivelling under the gaze of his friends and colleagues. Only you didn't know why until after you listened to the album.
To one's surprise but yours, you were his muse. Not for a song or two, like you had expected, but for an entire album. Titled Because I Had You, Shawn's fourth studio album was a sixteen track masterpiece lined with one heartbreak anthem after another. If you thought the title single was bad, the rest of the album had you sobbing in bed at night, stomach churning at the thought that the entire world was now a witness to what were supposed to be private moments, only for the two of you and no one else to see. It wasn't even the subtly sexual songs like Particular Taste that maddened you, but the way he wrote about your love. Bold, powerful, passionate — when, in reality, it was everything but.
What Shawn and you had was delicate. It was beautiful, like a dainty flower creeping through cracks in a cemented floor. Like a green leaf on an autumn day. Not what he wrote, and definitely not what his music videos portrayed.
And that was that. Whatever little hope you had harboured of Shawn being a nice person, of him respecting your wishes and leaving you the hell alone after what happened went down the drain. All you had expected from him after the terrible way he'd left you, no questions asked, was your private life back. No instagram posts, no tweets, and certainly no interviewers entertained. He had seemed sincere enough when he promised to do nothing of the sort, pinky finger held out to you in the adorable manner that only he could pull off. Your heart had lurched, then, calling yourself stupid to ever think that Shawn would disrespect you like that.
And then when the album came out — you hadn't told him not to write songs about you, had you? So it was only fair. He kept his end of the promise, he said. Never took your name, he said. But he did name you, in every other way possible. Your eyes. Your hair. Your scent. The books you read, the songs you sung. All out in the world for people to listen to, and pick you apart. All because he needed a banger of an album to top his previous ones and what better publicity than an unexplained, undramatic breakup, right?
In that moment, you'd said Fuck him and never looked back.
Until today. Despite pushing it back for as long as possible, your friends had coaxed you into hosting a party at your place, since you had completely distanced yourself for the best part of the year after the breakup. It hurt too much to see Shawn completely unbothered, drinking the night away, a girl that wasn't you snuggling into his side. God, you weren't jealous when you were together, so why did it hurt so much to see him with someone else when you two were apart? But your friends being your friends had managed to weasle their way back in, and here you are again. And here Shawn is again.
For the most part, you avoid him. You know he's been looking at you all night, stealing glances when his date doesn't isnt looking, his cheeks tinged red with the alcohol he'd been nursing, loud laughter reverberating through the room. Know he's been looking for signs of him all over your apartment, little titbits of the glorious time you had together.
Tough luck, champ, you scoff to yourself as you head towards the fridge to get out another case of beers out and ready on the counter. As soon as you were coherent enough to function again, the first thing you did was dump all his things in a storage unit and mail him the key. You couldn't bare even the briefest of conversations, and that was the best solution you could come up with at the time.
Well, everything except the ring. While all the love and fondness attached to the piece of jewellery had completely vanished over time, its value still remained. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get rid of it. Probably never will, either, but that's a story for another day.
But you digress. Currently, like always, you have more pressing matters on hand. Your fridge seems to be all out of Coronas, and while your friends like to act pretentious, no amount of Chardonnay can get them buzzing like a gold old bottle of beer. Sighing to yourself, you decide the only solution is a quick run to the liquor store, since you're the only one sober enough for the job. You smooth your dress down, grabbing your keys as you announce your departure to your shitfaced friends.
"I'll be back in fifteen minutes, tops. Please, for the love of God, do not touch my record player."
"Are we allowed to go into your lingerie drawer?" One of your friends, Kooper teases, raising his glass of scotch towards you. You grin, lifting a shoulder in response, "If you can find it, sure."
"I'm sure Shawn can help," Comes a slurred reply, and you can feel your cheeks start to redden. There's a couple of chuckles around the room, and before Shawn gathers his thoughts to respond, you're pulling the door shut behind you.
Shawn is left staring at the door, where you were standing mere seconds ago. His neck feels hot at the thought of going anywhere near your lingerie drawer again, so he chooses to keep quiet. Taking his bottom lip between his teeth, he tries to focus on what his date is saying (something about politics, he really doesn't understand a lot), but it's hard to ignore the dull ache in his heart, growing more painful with every second that passes.
You look gorgeous. Ravishing, almost. And Shawn's always known that, always questioned how exactly he ended up with a catch like you in the first place. Especially tonight, however, because you're wearing red and it's such a look against your tan skin that it has his mind spinning at the sight. The beer in his veins is enough to keep him floating a few centimetres above reality, chucking him into an alternate universe where he didn't break your heart and your trust, and you didn't hate him for either of those two.
His date places a hand on his thigh, and he reacts almost immediately. Although her touch is innocent, hands still animatedly flying around, his mind is everything but.
"Hey, babe," He interrupts sheepishly, "While I would love to talk about Trump for the rest of the night, is it cool if we... get out of here?"
Her smirk then is one that has him blanching in anticipation. It's just the right amount of teasing with a lethal amount of mischief as she grabs at his collar, leaning in close to whisper into his ear, "Why do you want to get out of here? We can do whatever you need, for however long you need, right here."
Even shitfaced, Shawn knows he's breaking every fucking rule in the How To Act Around An Ex 101 rulebook if he follows through with what she's suggesting. Normal exes don't even invite each other to their houses, let alone fuck someone else while they're out. That doesn't stop him though, because seconds later the pair are excusing themselves and stumbling blindly into a bedroom, her lips attached to his and his fingers digging into her sides.
He smells you the moment his back hits the bed, your citrus scent all he can remember from the time you two spent together. However, before he can mull on the fact that This might not be the guest bedroom, her fingers are tangling into his curls and body pressing against his front. The moan that tumbles out of his lips when she sucks at his neck is almost pornographic, appalled at how quick she found his spot.
Not as quick as you had, however — because the first time Shawn and you had gone to town was a day that he would never forget. You had him reeling and begging under you with just your fingers and mouth, placing your fingers against his chest to push him back down every time he got a little too excited. He had never been happier to lose control than in that moment.
Fuck, he thinks as his date's hand palms at his crotch, I really shouldn't be thinking about my ex right now.
Right now? His mind answers almost instantly, Pretty hard when you're literally always thinking about her, right?
He's so lost in his thoughts and her touch that he doesn't hear the door to the bedroom opening, or even notice the light that streams into the room from the corridor outside. However, when a voice exclaims, "Jesus fuck, Shawn!"
His eyes take a moment to adjust to the dim lighting of the room as he tries to figure out who it was that shouted at him, and he breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that it's just Geoff. Not you. Thank fucking God for that. He rubs lazily at his face, turning away from the door, but Geoff isn't having any of it. Asking his date to please leave, he slams the door shut behind her, storming over to Shawn.
"What the fuck, dude?!"
"What?" Comes Shawn's annoyed mumble, "Jealous you aren't getting any?"
"How much have you had to drink?" He grabs Shawn's chin, inspecting his eyes to see just how red they are for him to pull some dumb shit like this. When he sees that he's not even close to being as drunk as Geoff first assumed him to be, he steps away. Scoffing in disgust, he continues, "You were going to have sex on your ex's bed? What is wrong with you?"
"I thought it was the guest bedroom."
"No the fuck you didn't, Shawn," He's pushing a hand through his hair, fingers clenching around his cup in anger, "You're still not satisfied with what you did? Wanna break her heart even further?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? It was a mutual breakup."
"Was it, though? Or were you just as self-centred then and didn't give a single shit about what she did or did not say?"
"Shut the fuck up, Geoff," Shawn gets up, pushing his friend away, but Geoff's fingers are curling around his arm before he can storm off.
"No, you listen to me. I've had enough of your bullshit. You're my brother, man, but she's more than a sister to me. It hurts me to see her hurting, and if you can't behave around her, just stop showing up. She's been through enough already. Can you imagine her reaction if she was the one who had walked in on you? It would've killed her, Shawn."
"I don't— what are you talking about? We're over. We've both moved on."
Geoff's scoff is painfully mocking, and Shawn is narrowing his eyes in anger, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Move on? It's almost sad how hung up on each other you guys are. You can't stop writing songs about her, and she can't stop—" Geoff trails off, catching himself before he can let anything spill. You would absolutely annihilate him, and that's not something he wants.
"What?" Shawn spits, "She can't what?"
"It doesn't matter," He mutters through grit teeth, "If you can man the fuck up and apologise for all the shit you've pulled on her, great. If you can't and want to continue being an ass so you can cash in your cheques, fucking fine by me. Just stop coming over when she's around. I didn't take taekwondo for nothing."
"You're not seriously threatening me."
"Try me."
"Fuck you, Geoff. You don't know jackshit about what happened between us."
"Yeah? Let me summarise, then. You got over her, you dumped her. Don't you dare make it sound any deeper than that," Shawn opens his mouth to protest, but Geoff isn't done yet, "And then you proceeded to make an entire album about your love, something so volatile and so private, and released it without her consent. She could've sued you for defamation, but she didn't. Do you know why?"
Shawn shakes his head, bottom lip latched between his teeth. There's so many thoughts running through his head that he doesn't even have the energy or the mental faculties to give his friend any attitude anymore. After the breakup, the both of you had managed to convince your friends that it was long coming, mutual, and amicable. Shawn had wanted it to be that way because he didn't want to be painted as a douche for springing something so sudden on you, and you had gone along with it because...well, he had no idea why. Maybe he should've asked.
"Because she's still in love with you, you fucking jerk. And it isn't my place to tell you this, but if it keeps you away from her, then so be it.You got over her, Shawn, but you didn't give her any time to ease out of it. You kept showing up with new girls every time, kept releasing these...these PG-13 sex tapes. The album was probably the final blow. With everything you did, her condition worsened, and we all saw it. We thought you did too, dude, because it was so painfully obvious."
There's a sour taste in Shawn's mouth, like the acidic tinge that puking leaves in your mouth. He's pretty sure he's completely sober now, but his mind keeps spinning, to the point where he has to sit down to steady himself.
"What have I done, Geoff?"
"I put up with this for as long as I possibly could, but it's not funny anymore. If not for her, please— for me, stop what you're doing. No amount of fame and money is worth the pain you put her through."
"Jesus fuckin' Christ," Shawn rubs at his face, trying to slap some reality back into him. He didn't break up with you because he got over you. He broke up with you because he was sure he never would. It took him a while to realise how toxic your relationship was getting for him, with no fault of your own. He had fallen and sunken so deep that if you had asked him to throw himself in front of a moving car, he would've done it, no questions asked. To the point where he was so dependant on you that it physically hurt him to leave you. Where he was so used to you helping him through his attacks that one without you make him felt like he was going to die.
His mom had called him stupid, told him that he had let the best thing in his life go because he couldn't commit. But Shawn knew love, and love wasn't supposed to be so scary. He cried because that was the most difficult thing he had done in his life, to date. Not even releasing a completely different genre of album, not knowing if anyone would enjoy listening to something so raw, had made him shiver so bad.
The last thing he wanted was to hurt you. He cared about nothing more than you. The album was a desperate cry for help, him putting out into the world just how much he needed you, as a friend or otherwise. Instead of forgiving him, you chose to distance yourself from him. In hurting you, he had completely broken himself. That's what they say, isn't it; play with fire, and you're bound to get burnt.
"Just— take it easy, man," Geoff claps a hand down on Shawn's shoulder, "The situation sucks over all, don't make it harder than it has to be. Also," He opens Shawn's palm, dropping your lost earring into his hand, "Put this back, 'kay? I don't know where it goes. l'll meet you outside."
Shawn nods solemnly, waiting until he hears Geoff's footsteps fade and the door click shut after him. Forcing himself to breathe, Shawn manoeuvres around your room, suddenly overwhelmed with the memories that surrounded his time there. The self-care nights, the pillow fights, the cuddling. The I love yous. He gulps, trying to see as little as possible of his favourite place in the world, pulling open a drawer in your vanity. Carefully dropping the earring on a glass tray, he moves it around a bit to make it easier for you to find it if you were looking for it.
Just as he's about to close the drawer, something catches his eye, causing him to pull the drawer open a little farther to inspect. Nestled behind one of your divider trays is a simple, tiny, royal blue suede box. Shawn's eyebrows furrow — He had never seen that before, had he? It could only hold a ring, he was a pretty sure, and he finds himself reaching towards the box before his conscience can stop him. He turns the small cuboid in his fingers, illuminated by the soft light mounted atop your vanity. Dried water drops stain the otherwise smooth surface, and his lips part in realisation not long after. That's not water, is it?
Deciding not to mull too long, he flicks the box open. Immediately, he desperately wishes he hadn't, because he feels his breath catch in his throat. Sitting inside the box is the most beautiful ring he's probably ever seen, silver and glinting in pride. As he brings it up to his face to inspect it better, he notices the strinking resemblance it has to his own ring, the one he had bought in Tokyo and never taken off after. There's two feathers interlinked together, just like on his ring, but there's a third, more intricate one binding the other two together in a perfect knot. He doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know why he found it in your drawer, so he stands there. Twisting the ring in his finger, trying to convince himself that it has nothing to do with him.
And then the light catches the inscription on the inside of the band, and Shawn steps closer to the table to see better, eyes narrowed and nose scrunched in concentration.
120915 to forever, I'll love you.
12th September 2015 — Shawn doesn't even need to rack his brain to remember that that was the day you had first told him that you loved him. You were both strolling through the park, laughing about the fact that were people in the world who bit their ice creams, when you had stopped him midstep. Leaned in, kissed his nose, and told him that you loved him. The blush that coloured the both of your faces after was the most fiery shade of red that Shawn had seen. 120915; the last track on his album.
Shawn's mind is immediately thrown into a frenzy. He would be an idiot if he tries to deny the fact that the ring in his hand is most certainly an engagement band, because it looks too expensive to be a promise ring and the two of you had already exchanged your promise rings a year back. But when, how, and why? Why is there an engagement ring so obviously designed for Shawn just sitting in your drawer? Why are there tear stains on the box? Why does the forever looked like it had been scratched at?
Slamming the drawer shut, he all but stumbles out of the bedroom, making a beeline towards your kitchen. If his date sees him or any of your friends notice his panicked state, they choose not to comment on it, distancing themselves from the distressed boy. Slowly but surely, each of them trickle out as Shawn digs through your kitchen cabinet, looking for a file he knows would answer all his questions. When Geoff is the only one left, he contemplates staying. He owes you that much — not leaving you alone with an ex that you're still head over heels for, but he decides against it. You deserve the closure. The both of you deserve and need the closure, and if it means leaving you to deal with your vices, then he is ready to make the sacrifice.
Shawn doesn't notice a single thing around him, all his attention focused on the binders sprawled across him on the island. Carefully thumbing through the files, he ticks off the months in his head — July, August, September, October, November. Immediately flipping to the month of November, he pulls out all the receipts you had so carefully filed and spreads them in front of him. Wild eyes flying across the documents in hopes of finding what he's looking for.
And not long after, he does. A tiny, barely noticeable piece of paper, labelled Bijoux, avec Amour — Jewellery, with Love — printed on the top in cursive. He swears his heart plummets to the very core of the earth when he sees the date on the bill: 7th November 2018.
Not even two weeks before he left you.
His mouth dries out, and he has trouble inhaling. Falling to his knees, Shawn stares between the box and the receipt, feeling his body shake with sudden, overwhelming fatigue. His head feels heavy, like it's been bashed against a stone and left wide open, waiting to be stitched up. His breaths are coming out exaggerated, wild, making it seem like he's just run a marathon. He has, though, hasn't he? He's raced against time. Against your love for him. And Jesus Christ has he lost.
It doesn't take a genius to join the dots with all the hints laid out right in front of him — literally. You were going to ask him to marry you, and he had taken that hope, balled it up, and spat it back into your face. Maybe he should've had another track on his album, a track about how much of an idiot he had been. He would've titled it I'm Worse Than a Fucking Munchurian Ball.
You expect chaos when you return, because really, what good can a bunch of drunk adults get up to? And chaos you get, but definitely not the kind you had anticipated. At first you're confused to see your house empty, no signs of life anywhere. You weren't gone for that long, were you? And then your attention pans to the kitchen, and suddenly you're living that day again. Shawn staring back at you, teary eyed, hands in fists, and you helplessy trying to maintain his gaze.
You immediately start assumed the worse. He's hurt, he had an anxiety attack, his date did something. When you rush towards him, however, dropping the bags in your hands and falling to your knees, you see what you had never, ever wanted to see. His ring — in his hand. He's holding it up to you, so close to your face that you have to lean back to get a better look. Your hands are balling into fists at your sides, stomach twisting into knots. When your gaze falls to the bills strewn on the counter, you know you're done for. Shawn knows. He knows everything.
Fuck.
"Shawn," You try to keep your voice as level as possible, but it inevitably starts breaking, "Where did you find that?"
"You wanted to marry me," Shawn's voice is monotonous, his eyes glazed over. He can barely meet your eyes, gaze focused behind you instead, "You wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And I.... I fucking dumped you."
You have seen Shawn cry before. Seen him breakdown before. Never, ever had he sounded as defeated as he does right now, like the very life had been sucked out of him, like it was paining him to utter mere words.
Exactly how you had felt all this while.
"Shawn..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"This," he wags the ring in your face, sniffling loudly, "Was this with you when I broke up with you?"
You nod, feeling your heart pull at the sight of him so... so distressed, so lost. You can feel tears of your own starting to form, but you try pushing them back. This time, however, it doesn't work. They start flowing down your face like fireworks on the 4th of July; loud, uninterrupted, and seemingly with no end. You fall limply against the counter, feeling Shawn watch your every move. Wiping beneath your nose with the back of your hand, you manage to choke out, "Yes.. and—and I was so fucking sure you were going to say yes when I asked you. And then you—"
You can't find it in yourself to continue, and Shawn's hands go into his hair, tugging at the roots in utter frustration and helplessness. He had claimed that the both of you had moved on not even an hour ago, and now he can't even find it in himself to laugh at the irony of the situation. Two adults, crying on a kitchen floor. What a fucking joke.
"You should've told me," Shawn mutters through tears, rocking back and forth, "God, if only you had told me— it would've changed everything."
It's your turn to be angry now, and your body shivers as you spit, "Told you so you could laugh at me? Tell your friends about the girl who proposed to you as you were breaking up with her?"
"No! No, you don't get it, do you? I would've said yes. I would've called a priest and married you then and fucking then."
"No," you mutter, shaking your head. Louder, you repeat, "No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to feed me these lies and these Would Haves and What Ifs!" Pushing against his chest, you sob harder, "You didn't get to leave me! But you did. You left me when I was so in love with you that I could see nothing else. Fuck you, Shawn. Fuck you for leaving me."
"Slap me."
"Shut up."
He grabs your hand, placing it against his wet cheek, all but begging you, "Please, slap me. Punch me. I fucking deserve it."
You pull your hand away, cradling it to your chest, as if his touch burns you, "I don't want to fucking slap you! It won't fix anything."
"What— what will fix everything?" Shawn's hiccuping now, eyes red from his tears, "What can I do to go back? What will it take for you to forgive me?"
"I don't know, Shawn," You reply between fits, shaking your head, "I don't know if you can fix this."
"I'll do anything," Shawn whispers, "I'll do anything to be able to love you again. I'll marry you, for fuck's sake. I'm not the same without you," He lets out a chuckle, shaking his head, "I won't ever be the same. You're like... this part of me that I won't ever get back. Life's been a living hell without you. Don't you feel it too?"
You can feel your determination frailing, weakening, but you're not giving into him again. You're never giving into the pain that is Shawn ever again, so you wipe your tears away, putting your brave face on, "I don't. I really don't. I agreed with you on something I shouldn't have once already, Shawn. I'm not doing it ever again. As a wise man once told me, I don't deserve that. If a constant rotation of girls and a rocket to fame are a living hell for you," You inhale audibly, convincing yourself that this is where it ends. There's no going back from here. "Then I wish you the best of luck. But you can't fix this. Not now, not ever."
"But—," He's pushing himself up, making his way towards you, and you cower away. Something breaks inside the both of you, something so delicate that it can't ever be put back. Not by each other, and certainly not by someone else. Shawn's head drops, and you can almost feel the words emanating off his self before he even speaks, each word laced with pleading, "I love you. Please."
Your tears haven't stopped still, and they probably never will, but you can't let yourself go through the same thing again. No matter how much you love him, no matter how hard he tries to convince you that he loves you too, you know for a fact that the gaps between the two of you couldn't be a bridged by a couple of sorrys and a kiss. It would require something much more sacrificial, like jumping headfirst into the emptiness and hoping, praying that you could steady yourself along the way. You would rather head towards uncertainty than doomed failure.
"I'm sorry, Shawn. You should've thought about that before striking the match."
TAGLIST: @babywhenithinkaboutyou @catalinamgarcia @shawnm521 @holybrandt @fuckneymar @brenda-sucks @livelifesosily @yourwonderbelle @astromendes @ashwarren32 @grunge-pun-kat @truly-l @sunflowerinthefield
#shawn#imagine#mendes#shawnmendes#blurb#angst#fanfiction#shawn mendes fanfiction#shawn mendes imagine#breakup#burned out
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autistic!roger being really good at masking that when he tries to stop around the rest of queen its just kind of difficult for him?? because he has hidden his traits for his whole life and anytime he would show them before he'd get shamed. so its just all scary and difficult and he isnt really sure who he is?? and of course in the end the boys help him
Masking is natural for Roger. His second nature. He never has to think about putting on the facade of an allistic. The moment he steps out of his house, it envelops him.The laughing and smiling and eye contact, while forced, aren’t things he has to put too much thought into. When he’s in public, he has to act “normal” and he’s a really good actor.
But actors needed to drop the act eventually. That’s where Roger struggled the most. Taking off the mask at the end of the day or around trusted ones felt nearly impossible. He worried if the years of faking made the mask meld into his skin. Like he’d never be able to take it off, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it was.
Freddie threw his hair over his shoulder, a confident look on his face. “Boys, you’ll never believe it!” he said.
The three other’s leaned in, eye’s wide and curious, a murmuring of “Believe what?” echoing around the group.
“I was recognized today!” He replied, an air of whimsy around him.
The other’s were impressed, asking for more details.
“Yes, yes, it’s true! I was at the grocers and somebody called my name! I had no idea my doctor shopped at the same store as me,” he said seriously before cracking up.
Brian and John did too, slapping their knees and throwing their heads back. Roger didn’t really get the joke or feel the need to laugh, but without thinking, he was matching the intensity of those around him, laughing just as hard and with the same gusto.
It took Roger a second to realize what he was doing, but he felt too awkward to stop. So he laughed and laughed until it was appropriate to stop.
“You really had us going there, Fred,” Brian said out of breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Reminds me when I thought a fan was approaching me, but it was only my grammar school teacher. Thought the granny wanted an autograph, but all she cared to know was if I could finally spell my name correctly,” Brian, John and Freddie burst into snickers and guffaws, shoving and slapping at each other playfully.
Roger could see the humor of it yet didn’t feel the need to laugh. So he didn’t. A conscious choice.
On one hand, it felt good to not act. It required so much less energy. On the other, he felt singled out. Maybe rude for not following the flow of the group. A sore thumb. Was the trade off worth it?
He started to jiggle his leg, a nervous stim of his that many thought was just Roger being his energetic self. The group came too from their giggling fit, Freddie patting Roger’s shoulder.
“Why so glum? Jealous of our fan experiences?” he said, the last part being sarcastic. Roger knew that. Identifying sarcasm was a skill he had to learn by force.
“Oh, no, I’m not glum,” Roger said, a forced smile tickling at his lips.
Why was he so afraid to be himself around them? It’s not like they’ve ever been mean to him before. But they’ve never seen the real him either. What if they didn’t like that Roger? What if they preferred his mask?
His leg jiggling grew faster as the thoughts in his head grew more negative. The room could sense it, everyone becoming a big uneasy.
“What’s wrong, Rog? You seem irritated,” Brian said with genuine concern, his head tilting.
Roger opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, unsure of what to say. Nothing he could say would make sense or be short and simple. He’d have to explain so much. Was it worth it?
“Are you ill?” Freddie chimed in, trying to feel Roger’s forehead with his palm, Roger ducking out of the way.
The mask was digging into his skin.
“I’m not sick! I’m- I’m fine. I uh..” his voice trailed off, brain filled with too many things to focus on one train of thought. So Roger got up and did the thing that helped him concentrate.
He jumped.
The obnoxious movements somehow brought peace to him. Like that was the state his body was supposed to be in all the time.
And although he’d never done this in front of them before and even though they all probably thought he was higher than a kite, he felt really good.
“Reckon he’s on LSD?” Freddie said, looking at the spectacle in front of him.
“Probably,” John said, eyebrows knitted curiously.
Once he felt calm enough, Roger stopped, turning to face them.
“I’m not on a single substance right now. I’m just being...being Roger. Myself,” he said, still unsure of how to get all of his thoughts out coherently.
They all stared at him, question marks somehow visible on their foreheads. Roger couldn’t help but to laugh, enjoying how the tables had turned. It was usually Roger who was confused.
“I’m different. Ever since I was born. Special, maybe. But uh, I’ve always known that. So, I hid it from everyone. It wasn’t something I decided either. My brain just...made me act like everyone else. I think to survive...” he started to flap a little.
“Hiding is kinda like acting, y’know? I put on a persona for everyone so nobody thinks I’m weird. It’s taxing, though. Incredibly. And it hurts. My plight for normality wounds me,”
“And I love you guys. I don’t want to lie around you guys anymore. But I’m scared...that you won’t like the real Roger. That you’ll find him to be annoying. Or to be a spaz. But I’m really tired. And it’s too painful. So, I think I’m done pretending. I..have to not care anymore,”
And with that, Roger left the room. He had just poured his heart out and absolutely could not tolerate the idea of being there while the others processed it. He didn’t want to answer questions or be coddled. He just needed to unburden himself.
The guys left him alone for a minute or two before they all exited the room, hoping to find him and talk.
He wasn’t hard to find, standing by the entrance of the building, playing with some of his hair absentmindedly as he stared out the glass door.
“Roger, darling, there you are!” Freddie said, herding the others over to him.
Roger would have smiled if he was masking but he didn’t. He just looked at them, fingers fiddling with blond locks.
“I think we’re all a little confused about what you said, but I do believe the main message is clear. Don’t pretend to be something your not. Not for our sakes. Especially if it hurts you inside,” Freddie said, a soft smile on his face.
“We’d love you no matter what. “Weird” or not. You’re our best mate. You’re our Roger. Nothing could make us think of you as less,” Brian said, resting a hand on Roger’s shoulder.
“You don’t have to pretend anymore,” John said, always so brief but exact with his words.
Roger looked down at his sparkly shoes, letting what they said digest. He wondered if they really meant it. If they truly believed they could handle Roger in his true form.
There was only one way to find out.
Roger smiled, a genuine smile, looking at how the glitter on his shoes caught the light.
“Alright, then,” he said quietly before hopping up and down a few times. He loved the feeling of his hair floating up and crashing back down over his ears and cheeks.
“Alrighty,” they echoed, each one pulling Roger into a hug before padding back off into the room to finish their night of gossiping and unwinding.
Much to Roger’s surprise, they never went back on their promises. It was hard at first to always be himself around them, but eventually, those 3 guys started to feel like home. And he never wore his mask at home.
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[devil's advocate] Can you do a masterpost of your fallout ocs? I love your ncr folks!
You can always search my blog on mobile for OC names and anything mentioning them will come up! Otherwise before i get into depth i have to describe some places that i made lore for since theres nothing in canon. Everything will be under the cut, its kinda long
- blyth: settlement right between Phoenix and Palm Springs. On the west side of the Colorado River. It’s a ncr Ranger post thats constantly vigilant because of heavy legion traffic
- palm springs: a touristy town today, a lot of 40s/50s celebrities had second homes here since hollywood had a rule about being no more the 2 hours away. was hit by a few missiles during the great war but mostly just got falloff from LA bombs. Its a very isolated community, with a few celebrity prewar ghouls and a vault. Uses the windfarm there for power, although a lot of the turbines were wrecked in the war giving of only 30% power. Theres some old world blues here. I nicknamed is “Fool’s Paradise” after the song by bob crosby, because they just try to ignore the legion and ncr. Eventually does get annexed into ncr.
- indio: kinda like westside, I never really developed it that much. Palm springs doesnt like like legion refugees so they congregate and live here as a patched community.
- 29 palms: an originally abandoned military base that was repurposed by some refugees to be a new home.
- joshua tree national park: deathclaw paradise. There are a lot of rocks for protection and bighorned sheep to snack on so i just feel like itd be the perfect habitat for them. Like zion i think itd be pretty unaffected by the war
- salton sea: an already toxic area to begin with in our timeline, it has the highest saltine level of all lakes caused my manmade mistakes. since its already useless, in fallout au they dumped radioactive waste into it. Absolutely inhospitable with mutated fish and giant birds, along with a constant toxic gas cloud surrounding it
-riverside city: an agricultural settlement, mostly fruit. Built out from a vault thats experiment was increasing vitamin c over a long period of time. Opened the doors 2200. The followers set up an outpost here and made a joint system to improve health and trade.
- big bear: a mountain logger town that virtually is unfazed by the war. Ncr territory.
Gabriel: my independent courier!!! He was born near the boneyard in 2244, and was raised on the road by his mom. Technically an ncr citizen, but not a soldier. He didnt meet his dad and (half) sister until he was six, and wasnt close to them growing up. When he was old enough he tried joining the followers, but it didnt work out, so he went to palm springs where his sister lives and learn more about her and his dad, and start work as a courier. She teaches him a lot of survival skills that she learned from their dad. He ends up in The Colorado territory (riverside county area) right when its getting annexed hes 27, and right after that he leaves and does courier traveling the west coast for a couple years. At age 33 he gets a notice that his dad went mia at the first battle of hoover dam while he was up near navarro. This is when he takes the package to the divide. He goes back to palm springs for a while before he actually decides to go to navada to pay his respects, and he takes a job in primm to deliver the chip and thats when fnv starts. He’s a sniper with high charisma and speech, good at stealth, and has good survival skills.
Miguela: gabriels older sister by 6 years who actually has a bunch of aliases and ncr’s number one tax evader. Born in el paso tx, her mom died giving birth and her dads a desert ranger so pretty much raises her as such in the mojave. She ends up going her own way, travels into the mountain areas of CA. lives on an apple farm for some time until the ncr starts pissing her off and she moves back to the mojave in palm springs/29 palms. Finds out what the legion is, hates it, and basically becomes a warden under the name Riley (its from an apple farm called Riley’s Farm, 5 star apple pie) for the area and turns into a legend pretty much. Based on the song “lady from 29 palms” so nicknames like “best of the west” and “witch of the west”. Gabriel shows up, and after a few years the mayor of palm springs is kidnapped and they go on that adventure trying to stop a legion raid after already dealing with ncr. She ends up becoming the mayor and hates it.
Luz: my chosen one and gabriels mom! After blowing up the oil she keeps wandering the wasteland more and does some random odd jobs. Meets gabriel’s dad near vegas. Goes back to CA to try and get to the boneyard but gets sidetracked. Shes pretty new so shes not super developed, she she ends up pretty aloof and mysterious. Shes pretty protective of gabriel though and does keep tabs on him.
Ray Vasquez (ranger dad): he was born in baja as a fisherman but traveled up to the mojave and joined the rangers. After that he just travels around a lot. Hes really charismatic but doesnt know what hes doing with his life, he just travels around and notes areas for the rangers.
Dimitri Romero: born in Tucson 2252. Hes strong, perceptive, and endurable. Hes not very charismatic, intelligent, or agile and has average luck. His skills though, contradict his stats. He cant do close combat, doesnt know lock picking/explosives, and although he can eat anything he doesnt know how to cook. Meanwhile hes very talkative yet no very likable, he can repair things but its from experiences learning from his mom, and hes good at using a gun but hes kinda like… rough with them and doesnt handle them nicely. He is a good hunter though, good at tracking. Had a desert ranger dad who died a few months after he was born from a raider attack. Has a mom who traveled from chihuahua mx, and then raised him on his own after finding the most remote yet stable location possible, big bear. He joins the ncr thinking itll help his mom financially and becomes one of the youngest ncr rangers. Hes 19 when the ncr-desert ranger truce is signed, and thats when he starts training to be a ranger. When he does become one hes sent to blyth. Hes then sent to a ncr prison near there to interrogate a legionary, and i drew that b99 comic of him yelling.
Caeso: hes the legionary getting yelled at. Its like that silus quest, except hes not stupid. He was a Frumentarii who killed a centurion, and got attacked by his squad. Was able to escape and swim across but was pretty close to dying in the river until an ncr patrol picked him up. He was near blyth when all this happened, thats where he was supposed to sneak into. He doesnt give any information and does break out and infiltrates the ncr. Hes the foil to dimitri where hes not strong/perceptive/endurable but he’s charismatic/intelligent/agile. Hes good at melee, but its less bashing and more calculated cuts. He doesnt really do medicine but knows a ton of herb remedies and recipes. Barely talks but somehow likable. Tall and not good and sneaking, knows how to pick locks, but never learned how to use terminals or most prewar technology.
Gauis: was my legion courier but got a bug where anytime he tried to sleep during the arizona killer hed die. Hes really tall and strong but has really, really bad charisma and speech so he just says the worst things all the time. Was living a pretty isolated life trapping and cannibalizing people in remote areas in arizonas forests. He still eats people.
Im still trying to develop some misc ocs, but tbh i have to actually start making more stuff that isnt just timelines and notes and stuff for it to sound coherent
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aaaaaugh that was a weird adventure of a normal thing seriously wtf how did I Almost Die from just trying to pay my electricity bills?? the electricity went out at midnight and I was having a WHOPPING GIANT MIGRAINE and seriously i suck at talking to cashiers on the best of days but now i have to call a taxi at midnight and sit there feeling awkward for like half an hour while the guy drives me several miles away to the only electricity place thats open 24/7 and like five minutes in i realized OH SHIT THIS MIGRAINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN I EXPECTED but like i was trapped in a car and trapped in an awkward social situation! so i was here all dizzy and disassociating and like it felt like the window was a computer screen?? cos im nearsighted a lot and of course its gonna get even worse when i have a dizzy migraine of death doom. i was just so out of it with pain and tiredness and the car shaking me about and just it felt like i wasnt really there but i was still in my house just watching all this on the tv or something. i had to look down at my hands cos they were the only non blurry thing, i had to remind myself that i actually existed and wasnt somehow being erased from the world and replaced by a film reel of some guy sitting in a car?? So I am like Absolutely Fucking Nonfunctional here, and being acutely aware of how i forgot to wear my glasses and apparantly also my socks. Tho in my defense it would have been hard to put them on in the dark anyway! and seriously THIS POOR CAB GUY! like it seemed english wasnt his first language and i felt so bad cos like how can i make it clear that I am the one messing up here?? dude you didnt mishear me i really am slurring everything i say and forgetting half the dictionary. HE WAS SO NICE! I wish i could have like.. been able to register any of his individual faceparts as a coherant whole. I have problems with prosopagnosia even on a good day, but like whoa man i did not have the energy left to concentrate on what this guy even looked like. i feel bad cos i dont know his name either, im gonna remember him as just this big helpful shadow void with a nice accent. HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH ME EMBARASSING MYSELF SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL CABMAN actaully wait do you call them cabs in america aa im sorry this post isnt very america translated i try and generally self-correct to america english cos i know like 90% of my followers seems to be america for some reason i do not understand HELLO AMERICDA FRIENDS TODAY okay so i was Dying in a taxi which is also called a cab, and the company was Capital Cabs which is very good and i love them and they have an automated system so you dont have to talk on the phone and seriously that cut like 50% of terror from this terror day SO ANYWAY I WAS DYING we go all over the place looking for the 24 hours electric place, and then for some reason they are closed?? there was a line outside and i think actually the doors got stuck and the cashiers couldnt get out??? what happened?? i guess i will never know cos i had to leave that mini story behind and find another electric hilariously we found one LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD there was THE SAME SHOP ACROSS THE ROAD FACING EACH OTHER MIRROR IMAGE WHAT like seriously fuck im already in a dizzy daze floating halfway out my own body like i didnt need any more evidence im currently in wonderland i want to know this story too, dammit! are those rival stores?? of the same brand?? somehow?? or are they owned by the same person?? because why?? is it like the area was so in-demand of small 24/7 shops that they had to make two within five metres of each other? or is it like they’re the same shop but they didnt have enough space to build the full size they wanted so they purchased two smaller land plots? or something? DID IT JUST EXIST FOR THIS SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCE OF ME NEEDING THE SHOP WHEN THE SHOP IS CLOSED “tumblr blogger tumblunni will show up fuckin migraine stoned on the 9th of november, as the prophecy foretold” omg i just mispelled prophecy as prophey and that sounds like a cute ass oc name holy shit ANYWAY im here dissacoiating my ass off and trying and failing to stick my debit card in the card machine and all the time im like FUCKIN OBSESSING over how sauboh is a really better name. Like faba is still a cute name but sauboh is a COOL name! no name is better than sauboh! and why u wanna this evil man have a cute name anyway?? when u be all cruel in the anime and sand off even the slightest non horrible edges he ever had, like seriously im unreasonably upset that everyone hates faba even more now. when will i get my sneaky science grandpa guy who is not evil for once but merely misunderstood and then i adopt him and hug him many and the all is resolved so yeah im fuckin haviung trouble focusing on what im actually doing jesus christ then i stumble into the store and i pay for my electric and im like ‘no no no fucking shit this migraine is WAY worse than i expected, im going to fucking die’ so i ask if they have any paracetamol but i cant remember the word for paracetamol and its all super embarassing. and like THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AS IF IM CRAZY. He’s all ‘ugh why would we have that, geez’. like wtf?? i mean i know i couldnt remember the name of it but i said ‘headache medicine’ so im sure he understood what i meant. i had a long rambling discussion with the taxi man about how weird that was, he was like ‘no, seriously EVERY 24 hour newsagent sells that stuff’ and i was like ‘no seriously he was rude to me for asking, like wtf’ and then i repeated the story about three more times cos i was currently in the throes of brain death in retrospect maybe the cashier thought i was drunk or something?? or high? i mean you cant get high from headache pills but i dunno maybe they mix badly with booze and he thought he was saving my life. i like to think the best of people! i wish i hadnt jumped to the grumpy conclusion during that moment and then whined like a lil bitch to this poor cab man and seriously he was SO NICE! he was like ‘dude seriously we’d have to drive anothr five miles to find another newsagent shop, im trying to save you money’ and he tried to give me some of the paracetamol he had in his wallet and i was like YOURE SO FUCKIN NICE IM DYING, I COULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT but also in retrospect probably that was a good decision cos even if the guy seemed super nice and trustable its like Good Life Policy to not take medicine from people you don’t know. I am 100% sure tho that he actually was genuine and wasnt gonna fuckin murder me with fakeacetamol HE WAS SO NICE! HIM AND HIS NONDESCRIPT FACIAL REGION! why cant i remember ANYTHING about this man oh and also I was able to give some money to a lady on the street!! i don’t know if she was actually homeless, she said that she had some trouble with a hotel booking or something so she was just stuck sleeping outside for the night. i cant remember if she had any luggage so i cant verify if the story is true, it just made me really sad wondering if it WASNT true and its like she needed to lie or people wouldnt give her money?? like seriously homeless people are the most vunerable yet theyre the ones people have the least sympathy for! wtf having to like like ‘i need the money less’... anyway i also couldnt remember her face and was kinda slurring my words to death and i didnt have much money to give but aaaa i hope i helped!! so yeah fuckin SMASH CUT to the next newsagent place and seriously i swear i blacked out for a minute cos it was just like wow we’re there in 48 seconds yet the clock says a bunch more miles and THEY HAD PARACETALMOL AND I WAS FUCKIN CRYING IN A SPAR MART thenk u cashier man who was probablyh very confused at this guy with no socks also for some reason my mind was wandering to the topic of what i’d do if i got misgendered in a cinema, like holding this fuckin entire fictional argument with this manifestation of my own self doubt WHAT EVEN INSPIRED THAT THOUGHT PROCESS so i’m nigh passing out and the nice cab man takes me home and he tries to make me pay less than the fee on the clock and im like NO DUDE IT WAS MY OWN CHOICE TO GO 2 PARACETAMOL SHOP seriously he was SO NICE why cant i remember his faaaaaace and i usually like to give a tip to the taxi guy even though tipping isnt really a thing in my country cos just i feel like Being Nice Is Nice and i want to thank them for their nice but i DIDNT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY LEFT so aaaa i was only able to give him an extra £0.50 but thank you taxi man i hope you have a good night and good life and the universe rewards you for helping a migraine fucked bunbun this eve and now ive shoved medicines in my fave and im just waiting for them to kick in and i know i should eat something but i feel so nauseous aaarglefargle also nice taxi man told me a story about how the same thing happened to him once except the electric went out while he was in the shower. So he just got blasted by cold water AND had to stumble down the stairs in the dark, and then friggin buy electric while his ears were still fulla soap. Whoa dude your bravery in face of embarassment exceeds my own! i love you platonically mr cab man thanks for making me feel less nervous and such while i was Die so yeah hopefully i will be less die soon ok bye also sauboh is a best name and i need to steal it for an oc or something NINTEND U LET IT SLIP AWAY
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With a name like that
who knows what kind of people will be drawn to it
what’s in a name
nope.
I cross my legs alot. I think to keep myself warm but also I’ve been trying to notice it more and then I’ll put my legs on the ground in a manspread kind of way. I hope I hold correct posture.
What is it about the energy between two people. Why can’t I control my face?
I am working on being present in the moment but for the moment I am working presently. hmmm that can be worked on
writing without a censor is hard
I kind of want to write about my day and then it comes out all different than what I had intended. Like do I keep typos? do I not have to follow proper sentence form and structure or even a coherent thought halfway through
can I just write the same thing
can I just write the same thing
Can I just Write the Same Thing
I guess not
I like the power of threes. I wish I was more assured about what I knew about how to create theatre. Like can I write a book about what I’ve learned about story telling from a sound designers point of view.
I guess I could. That would be interesting. To about.00002% of the American population but hey at least it would be relevant.
I have a tattoo from a tennessee williams festival
I also have a tattoo from a split second decision that is a comedy and tradgedy masks, sock and buskin, but with pumpkins as faces. It’s my first colored tattoo and I’m pretty proud of it. It’s cute and makes me laugh.
When I think about how I was raised on Pokemon it is no wonder that I like to travel. Although are my shows like collecting pokemon or is it like the knowledge is pokemon and my shows are the battles that get me to higher levels.
I guess that’s how life works.
William Burroughs and the cut up method constantly tickle my brain. What did he actually get famous for and where did his money come from?
self edititng self edititing self editing editing
just keep writing until the spell check doesn’t correct you and then you know you’ll have passed
my brain is being funny tonight I guess it’s a funny night
It has been a pretty good day overall though. I felt the most confident practicing with JJ and saying hey. I don’t know why I have to keep them at an arms length though. It’s like they have too much attention or affection or just doting presence that I’m like dude just chill and thank you I like hanging with you too but yikes I’m not ready for that much. And it’s not to say that I don’t appreciate them because I do and I recognize and honor that they have been an integral part of me growing as an artist but if I’m honest with myself I have to take them in doses. Today felt nice though.
The show felt better. I feel like I can do this. I WILL DO THIS FUCK THAT I WILL DO THIS AND IT WILL ROCK!!!
I mean if the actors keep giving me the material to work with then I will gladly take what their character thinks. My design it to grow with the show. Being present is helping I feel it. I would like to womanifest a fantastic show and the confidence, strength, stamina, will power, and humor with which to execute the piece. I can do this I can do this I can do this.
And I can womanifest a career in animation. I would really like to voice and write possibly for an animation. And get my shit together musically. I can do this I can do this. I at least have the opportunity with JJ, and the show. I’m excited but something else is telling me to keep pushing for more. I mean I’ve made it to the next level and now need to work for a hot second where I’m at if I want to continue to grow with it. I should probably pick up the Artists way again especially if I keep writing the daily pages. I should set aside time in the morning to do this because it does feel like at the very least good for exercising my hands, vocabulary, spelling, and recount of the day.
go get em go get em go get em go get him geit gemti gemigemitem
trying out beats on a keyboard is fun.
I NEED TO MEMORIZE A BEAT FROM A PLASTIC DRUM AND INCORPORATE IT INTO THE SHOW SOMEHOW
Guitar?
He sings, can he give me an example of his work?
What has he sung?
Has he gotten back to me?
What is his style like I wonder.
I guess I’ll find out.
And I shouldn’t act defeated when we first meet. He doesn’t know me so I can be full of tricks to him. Lets have an initial convo about where we are musically and then figure out the best solution as to how we pair this. Take his lead. Your major ideas are, finding a beat for him, using plastic gallon drums, sax (but need to source so don’t count on it, michael suggested harmonica but that is definetely not a sound that I heard in NOLA so I don’t think that would be good.) My friend has a pocket trumpet I could maybe borrow would When the saints be a good number to play I wonder. I should ask J anyway if he wouldn’t mind letting me borrow it. to see if I could at least try to learn it. I manifest the trumpet from J.
Everyone in my life is named J ok
once twice three times a lady
frice fifece sice times a man
what?
there has been a lot of discussion about the gender movement. I had to respell that 3 times. HMMM gender queer
what the fuck does that even mean
Why do I feel like being detached made me lose some level of understanding the details of things.
Maybe most of my memory exists in my muscles. Too many years of field hockey practice. At least I was a goalie and got to stand up
God damn those days. What fucking Days
Shit
Speaking of, I threw up my entire guts over the course of 8 hours just 4 days ago and now I feel better so I hope that lasts but what the fuck menstrual cycle.
What.the.actual.fuck.
Does that happen as you grow older or does it just happen to people when they’re dehydrated.
Ok why haven’t the transmen raised any kind of fuss about men with periods.
Why aren’t the transmen held up as much as trasnwomen. I mean all politics aside I feel like I can rattle off the name of 3 trasnwomen that are household names but only because I’ve been deep in lgbt culture especially in womyn’s culture I can think of names of transmen. I guess entertainment and mainstream isnt everything but I think about it because I can’t seem to decide if I want to go ahead and move forward with that decision myself. It’s just so time consuming and money sucking that I’d rather just diet and be gay but damn Ive gotten so attracted to people that I know would date me if I was a guy. I think that phase is done now and I’m starting to come into my own though and through being observant and open am learning so much more about what people I’m attracted to want and how I can fulfil that and also my own needs...selfish? I guess, I’ve never claimed otherwise.... That will probably cost me brownie points somewhere down the line of life but we’ll see.
I do enjoy being on my own and my life just sets me up with little pockets of people to learn over time. I can take my time with this show because we’re going to be together for a good long time.
And its TW so yay.
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