#this isn't happening to my mutuals but it's happening to me and i'm at my wits end
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deciding to headcanon that the lighthouse makes people feel Calm and Docile and Relaxed to excuse the fact that more of the companions aren't as mad as lucanis that ANY of this is happening
#I CAN FEEL THE HATERISM IN MY BONES STARTING TO STIR LIKE LYRIUM#for the record. i think the game is fun. and i think it's the most gorgeous game ever made#bar none.#but like................................................................... . . .... ....#ALMOST ALL OF THE WARDENS ARE DEAD. ALMOST ALL OF THEM.#AND ALSO DID IT EVEN MATTER BECAUSE THE BLIGHT WAS JUST#THE GODS FUCKING AROUND AGAIN#i'll be real the least interesting thing abt dragon age has always been the magic to me#i like MAGES. but i think the sociopolitical landscape of thedas + the worldbuilding outside of magic#is the most interesting part for me#i think my biggest problem is that it feels like a dragon age game writing wise#like w companions and quests and banter#but it doesn't feel like the dragon age world#idk. i'm having fun but yeah i think a lot of the general criticisms are weighing on me which#i did not think would happen (tho i've also been in a months long depressive spiral and genuinely have not#enjoyed basically anything and nothing feels real and everything feels like a bad dream so like whatever)#the biggest thing abt dragon age for me has always been like#it has been such a creative inspiration for me in so many avenues and in so many different eras of my life#i've been writing DA fic since i was 17. i started getting mutuals around 18.#that's 6 years!!!!! i've been writing fic!!!#i play like 3 hours of origins or inquisition and wanna go write a bunch of fics#but all my fic ideas so far are about like. Well what if the game never happened and my OCs#met their ROs somewhere else in some way else#which to me ISN'T a good sign.#part of da's staying power to me is how much it inspires me. i don't feel inspired right now#i'm struggling to keep up in some ways with veilguard and also feel like it's struggling to catch up#to itself and the weight of it's own choices#anyway. starting to feel disappointed but like i said months long depression#so i'm repressing it like crazy and might never actually feel or breach that emotion#in any depth. but whatever.
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I hate the new face bones I hate the new face bones I hate the new face bones-
seriously how do you explain this
#cid.txt#WHY IS MY NECK STRETCHING LIKE TAFFY#this isn't happening to my mutuals but it's happening to me and i'm at my wits end#i'm making sure everything's enabled and correct but paris' neck breaks every single time#i really don't want to manually create expressions every time i wanna gpose but it may have to come to this#i'm quite pissed actually#doesn't matter if it's DT ready expression packs on xma or ones i exported from gpose myself. the result is always the same
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i still will never understand why the fandom decided to demonize mabel pines
it made me angry even back when i was 14
spoilers for gravity falls btw if you happened to have not seen it
you're telling me that if YOU were placed in your ideal paradise where you have everything you wanted just like that, NO LIMITS NO NOTHING, and your brother who you just had an argument with comes in and demands you leave to go back to an apocalyptic wasteland and try to save it from ruin, you're telling me you wouldn't even be SLIGHTLY tempted to say fuck it and stay in your perfect little fantasy land where there are no problems? and again may i remind you you have EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES NO MATTER HOW UNREALISTIC OR WHIMSICAL, and she is being asked to give that up not to return even to the regular world, but to life as she knew it UNDER CONTROL OF A DEMON FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION SHE'S EXPECTED TO HELP DEFEAT. YOU ARE TELLING ME DEADASS YOU WOULD NOT BE TEMPTED TO STAY? YOU DO NOT AT ALL SEE WHERE SHE'S COMING FROM AS SOMEONE WHO'S SCARED AND HURT AND TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM THEIR PROBLEMS?
not to mention that she probably felt so GUILTY for CAUSING that apocalyptic wasteland and was trying to avoid that guilt through indulging in the fantasy land!!!! and dipper confronting her made her shut down and deflect because she didn't want to acknowledge her own guilt! (she is such an e7)
i do NOT get it. i may have mixed up some of the facts of what happened bc i haven't seen gravity falls in years but my overall point still stands.
#( 💭 faun thinks )#gravity falls#mabel pines#also uh if anyone happens to see this pls do not argue with me#i'm not defensive about it i just literally do not care enough to argue#mabel isn't even one of my fave characters i just think it's stupid how she was demonized like that#however if we r mutuals i am open to discussion but arguing is a hard no
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@liminalmemories21 - this isn't exactly what you asked for but:
Abby C. 8:51 PM: So how'd it go? With the talking?
Buck stares at the message. Stares at the milk frother sitting in his counter, and the candlesticks he'd really considered dropping off the side of his upper balcony, ten minutes ago. (He's a firefighter, he knows how that ends. But, like. Still)
Bad, he texts back. So bad. But he also won't give me my sweatshirt back and I know he has it. Any sage advice?
It's a little weird to be texting her. She'd been one of the first people he'd ever talked to consistently on the phone, and he'd grown to enjoy it, grown to appreciate that voice in his ear.
Abby texts back immediately: I'm not entirely sure I know what that means. He actually LIKED you.
Buck can feel the buzzing under his skin, the rush of adrenaline at remembering Tommy not only not denying he'd loved Buck, but admitting off-hand that he still did.
It means I'm getting my man back, Buck sends, and then stares at the slippers he can see poking out from the right side of the bed.
His phone rings.
"You know," Abby starts, before Buck can so much as greet her. "I spent a long time beating myself up for not seeing this as a sign, but that's not the point."
"What... is the point?"
Abby chuckles. She sounds good. Happy. Buck is far enough removed from it to feel glad for her, and jealous of her, and then he's rolling right back around to being fucking livid that Abby and Tommy had both run. Different reasons, same result. A first of Buck's that'd just walked away.
"He used to watch movies with my mom constantly. All the terrible schlock that I couldn't stand - Hallmark movies, and D-Lister rom coms, all those trite based on true events Lifetime shows."
Buck nods. Waits for her to continue.
She doesn't.
"I'm not picking up what you're dropping down."
"He and my mom would just critique them all the way through. Just tear them to shreds. What was unrealistic, what was just plain stupid. She - mom was never more lucid than when she and Tommy were bemoaning the lack of reality in those movies."
"Listen, I already know asking him to move in with me was a dumb idea. I'm the himbo, remember?"
Abby pauses. "...that's what he called you?"
"Apparently all your mutual friends did."
Abby sighs. "The point is, Buck. They liked watching them because they liked talking about what real relationships were actually like. What happened after a curtain close kiss, how much a couple was gonna fight over the financial sustainability of a Christmas themed donut shop, what the fiance that got left behind in the big city was gonna do now that they were finally free of the person who'd spent the holiday season losing their entire brains. Tommy's a realist. He wants to be stopped before he gets on the plane, but he wants to be stopped because you already have a ten step plan to make things work. And he's terrified of giving too much of himself away to someone who thinks he shits rainbows and puppies and hasn't reckoned with the fact that he's just as screwed up as the rest of us."
"You swear more than I remember."
Abby laughs. " But you see my point?"
Buck doesn't want to. But he does. "Well, I definitely don't think he's perfect anymore."
"And you still love him." She says it like she knows. She says it like she'd once expected to spend a life with Tommy Kinard.
"And I still love him," Buck acknowledges, and they both drift into silence. It's comfortable. Easy. He sort of misses being able to talk to her about shit like this.
"Call me if you need anything, Buck."
Buck hangs up the phone with a million new, vaguely more hopeful thoughts swirling around in his brain.
Twenty minutes later he texts her one more time: This is the only sex thing you're getting from me - that thing he does with your nipples? What the fuck?
Abby C. 9:22 PM: I taught him that. You're welcome.
Tommy ignores the knock at his door. He's in day three pajamas and the only person who might make the effort to check in on him is his exes best friend. Which.
The knocking continues.
It's getting louder.
There's a Kings game on in the background and he's been elbow deep in the Jeep manual he'd finally cracked open in some sort of weird, fucked up pattern of mourning.
Tommy's never gonna buy a fucking Jeep. He hates them. You own one for more than five years and more than half the parts are replacement parts.
He's been staring at a diagram of the timing belt for half an hour, at least. The last thing he remembers about the game is Kuemper letting in three goals on five shots and somehow the Kings are up two, now, and there's still 25 minutes of game time left.
Tommy reaches for the remote. Turns the volume up.
The knocking returns less than a minute later.
---
There's a box of odds and ends tucked under the table in his entryway. He avoids looking at it. He knows there are a few things missing from it and he really doesn't want to examine what he'll have to do to avoid giving it to Eddie tonight. He cut the cords, he shouldn't be lingering watching the frayed edges sway in the wind, clutching his line like there's anything braced on the other side of it.
Evan's oldest, softest LAFD hoodie, the one that's technically too small for both of them but has stretched shockingly evenly and is definitely not sitting unwashed at the bottom of Tommy's laundry basket. The program from a recital of Denny's they'd stopped by to support him for, on their way out of town for a long weekend. Evan's stupid keto bread and the milk frother he'd left behind three months ago and never bothered to grab because he had more than one.
Whoever is at his door is still fucking knocking, and suddenly Tommy doesn't feel like being polite. He'll shove the box in Eddie's arms and tell him to fuck off and close the last few remaining open doors he has to this.
Only when he swings the door wide it's not Eddie on the other side, and the box nearly takes out whatever Evan - Buck, Jesus Christ - has in his own arms.
Not a Tommy box - too small for all the shit that he'd left behind. He misses the house slippers that had had a permanent spot tucked under the left side of the bed.
Tommy flinches, reels away, tries to shove the box away before Buck can see its contents.
"What are you doing here?" Even tone. No quiver in his voice. He's been called rude and dismissive for less.
Buck scowls. Hefts the rectangular dish in his hands and shoves past Tommy before Tommy can blink.
It's silly to say he chases after him, down the hallway towards the kitchen, but he's not exactly following along behind at a casual leisurely pace.
The glass pan slams down on his kitchen counter and Buck spends a minute staring at the calendar he was only getting two months out of because he couldn't look at the one with all Buck's notes penned in anymore.
"Wow," Buck says, and shifts his weight awkwardly.
"What are you -?"
"Jee and I made you birthday cupcakes," Buck says. His voice is hard. Angry. Hurt. "Happy birthday, asshole."
---
He cracks the lid and there are only three cupcakes inside. Tommy forgets himself. Raises a brow, amusement rolling over him pleasantly, prepared to tease him, but then he catches the set of Buck's legs and the curl of his mouth and the tight way his arm tucks itself back in against his belly, a protective gesture that reminds Tommy very effectively what this is.
"Why?" Tommy wonders aloud, and Evan's scowl deepens.
Buck's scowl.
God.
"We've been planning it for weeks." Something flashes across his eyes before he schools his features. "Jee made me promise to bring you some."
"She must not be a skilled baker," Tommy jokes. "If these are the only ones that made it."
Evan's expression twists. "I ate most of them."
The frosting looks fresh. No creases in the paper cup holding them together.
"I had to make a new batch of frosting because I used some of it for -." He cuts himself off. Looks like he'd like to throw it in Tommy's face but can't quite force himself to hurt Tommy.
It hurts as much as he'd expected, anyway.
The world is a small place. It's not the first time he's had to speak to an ex when he didn't want to. It's never pleasant.
This is worse. The cut and run is supposed to give him time.
Evan Buckley has been an ache behind his ribcage for months, now, long before he'd made that final decision. He'd known it was too little too late. Buck's gonna be the shadow other men see behind his eyes for years.
Buck's apparently found and slept with someone within the week and a half span from Tommy walking out to his sad shitty mopey birthday.
That he'd forgotten about.
Tommy leans in. Picks up a cupcake. Licks a stripe through the frosting and makes a face when he realizes it's buttercream.
"The ones you were supposed to get had the whipped cream one you like," Buck says, accusingly.
That somehow stings just a little bit extra.
Tommy pulls back the paper, takes a bite. There's raspberry filling inside, and Tommy can feel tears prickling at the edges of his eyes, because when he'd told Evan about how his grandma baked he'd been thinking of Evan being a grandparent, the kind of shit he'd forbidden himself from imagining with anyone he was dating years ago.
"Thank you," he manages, and Buck frowns.
"He thought the whipped cream was too sweet." And Tommy probably deserves this but he's not particularly in the mood.
"Cut it out, Buck."
Buck rolls his jaw. "I just figured you'd wanna know how it's going. Maybe I could tally up the hookups for you, count them all up by gender and stamina and opinions on how I should feel and act and fall for someone. Find out if I'm actually gay enough to be a man's last."
---
The rest of the cupcake kind of collapses and oozes as Tommy smacks it down on the counter. He takes thirty seconds to pull the other two cupcakes out before he's grabbing the too-large fake Pyrex and turning heel. The keto bread goes in the pan. Then the milk frother.
Tommy yanks the recital program off the fridge and tosses it in the trash.
Buck almost looks triumphant.
"The box under the side table has the rest. You can see yourself out."
He actually does exactly as he's told, and Tommy listens to his footsteps drift off, shoulders hunched in and the breath tight in his throat. He'd been cruel, it was only fair Buck got a few final kicks in.
Tommy sucks in a breath and blinks away the moisture at the edges of his vision.
The footsteps take a heel turn at the side table and turn right back around.
"This isn't everything."
Tommy half expects some panned comment about how Tommy's got his heart - the kind of silly shit he'd say to a dead outlaw.
"My sweatshirt," Buck says, and Tommy freezes.
He could lie. He could pretend he had no idea where it was. Claim he didn't remember it even being here, because that particular piece of clothing did have a tendency to travel.
He doesn't fucking want to hand that one over.
Buck smirks, like he's caught the crack, and is looking for ways to exploit it.
"I own my own house!" Tommy says, and it's a terrible launching point but Buck latches on.
"You just left, Tommy! I know I jumped the gun, Tommy, but you didn't even - you just left! I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry I didn't know I was into men until you. I'm sorry you had to be my first, I'm sure that must have been such a burden for you."
"That's not fair."
"You didn't even give me a chance. That was - I'm so angry with you, Tommy. I'm so fucking mad."
"I know."
"But that's what you planned for, right? That's - you ripped the bandaid, Tommy, except there's a whole fucking untreated stab wound right underneath and it's still bleeding, Tommy."
"Did you even make this round of cupcakes with your niece?" It's better to keep his family's names out of his mouth. Just keep those ties cut.
Buck looks livid. "No, you idiot, I whipped up a tiny batch of this recipe just for the excuse to see you and - and tell you what a stupid, awful coward you are."
"That's not f-." He isn't sure whether Buck is being facetious about the small batch thing or not. He doesn't have any time to think about it.
"My sister and Chim are having another baby. Bobby and Athena are probably gonna host Christmas this year. Eddie shaved off the mustache and he's, like, dancing now, I guess. Hen and Karen are good for the first time in -." He shakes his head. Stares at Tommy. Tommy can't quite hide from that gaze. "We were good, Tommy. We were - you loved me."
He'd never said the words. Neither had Evan, but they'd both known. Both felt it. Tommy let it go too far, did it scared for longer than he usually would.
"It's not like that just went away when I walked out, Evan," Tommy hisses, and then regrets it immediately.
Evan has spent most of this visit pushing, pressing, digging fingers into the wound to make it hurt.
Evan goes silent now, reeling back a little. He seems shocked that Tommy had admitted it.
"I want you to go," Tommy says. "I need you to go, Buck."
It was the right dagger the first time, but apparently it's only effective once.
"I love you too, you know." His voice is soft. Tommy can't meet his eye. "And I hate you. I hate you even though I know that's what you wanted but I love you too much to not hate you out of spite."
Tommy knows if he caves it's done. He's signing himself over to whatever fucked thing will end them a week, a month, five years, two decades from now.
"Go home, Buck. Hate me there."
---
He goes in for the kill.
"I called Abby, two nights ago."
Right for the jugular. No survivors.
"She laughed for like twenty minutes, and then she tried to get me to chat about our sex life for comparison, and then she was shocked silent for a full minute when I wouldn't." Because Evan had always been a little too open about those details. "She also told me she forgave you but she doesn't think you ever forgave yourself."
Tommy agrees. For all that they'd been terrible for each other, they'd known how the hell to take care of one another like no one's business.
"I want you to go," Tommy says, steady, quiet, nearly a snark for how deep his voice goes to hide the tremor in it.
Buck cocks a hip against the doorframe. "I want my sweatshirt."
The breath that escapes him is shaky, but her think he hides most of it behind the hand over his face, the finger pinched at the bridge of his nose.
"I can't do this."
"Exactly how many men and women do I have to fuck before you believe the future I'm looking at is with you?"
"All of them! None! It was a stupid thing to say and it's not what I meant and I can't do this."
Buck spins on his heel. Grabs the box he'd set aside and hefts it up into his arms. "I'm coming back for my sweatshirt," he says. "You let me know whether you want to talk about the data points of the sexuality spreadsheet or about us."
"There is no us, Buck." His voice sounds defeated even to himself.
"If that was true you'd just give me the stupid sweater and be done."
Tommy sits in silence. He does not get up to retrieve the hoodie. Buck is still angry, but his smile is wide and bashful.
Tommy listens to his footsteps trail down the hall, towards the door, out of it. He hears the Jeep's ignition catch, the wheels roll off the drive.
He realizes he'd left the goddamn Jeep manual open on the timing belt page, right there on his side table where he'd pointed out the things he wanted Evan to take to clear him from his life.
---
There is someone knocking at his door.
Tommy doesn't quite ignore it.
He hid the sweatshirt in one of his toolbox drawers when Evan texted him this morning to let him know he'd be over with a six pack and a pot of chili.
There's a zero percent chance Evan's getting that sweatshirt back, tonight.
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#now that i'm a ''real'' modder because i can mod hairs and i can provide something ''useful''#people who never cared a single bit about my OCs or the things that i've been creating for my OCs#are now finally taking an interest in what i create and that shit is painful#never interacted with me before never cared about my OCs but now that i can provide mods#now they'll give me the time of day#now they'll show me support but not when it comes to my art or my vp or when i was creating things for my characters#i don't know how to describe the feeling that's giving me. it just fucking hurts. right in my chest. that shit hurts#this isn't about any mutuals or friends who'll read this because a) i can only mod for 1 game that most of my mutuals don't play#and b) because i haven't shared my mods here yet. all of this is happening on discord#idk what i'll do i just feel like shit right now#this is very specific to a single fandom and the people within it not my mutuals or followers as a whole#misc: salted#misc: personal
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MR. & MRS. WESKER 🤍
i was able to commission the lovely @rcehb-art on twitter for this piece of diana and wesker during their strange after-the-fact reception for their very private wedding. i am just so in love with this and how it turned out, and i can't thank rc enough !! she is so kind and amazing to work with and i can't recommend her enough if you're looking to commission artwork ♡
#commissions.#oc: diana#pair: ewskers#or should i say drs. albert & diana wesker 🖤#i literally haven't stopped staring at this since receiving the final product !! & just the whole process was so much fun & i loved seeing#it all come together 🥺 i'm just aaaaaa i adore this sm !!! also okay i think i have talked about this on here before but these two didn't#actually have like a ''wedding'' but they eloped then a bit after that alex & the birkins found out they had gotten married without telling#anyone (they knew they were engaged but yeah there were no wedding talks so to speak) so then they sort of pushed them to have some sort of#reception at least & celebrate things kinda...like they thought he would've made a big deal out of things but these two aren't all that#fussed with the idea of weddings or marriage in general (there's a lot of lore here i swear. especially on diana's part like some of you#know) so they were very private about it all !! but yes here you can see them gossiping & talking shit about umbrella employees 🤭#also this goes without saying but pls don't use or touch this at all as it's a commission & diana is my oc !! i didn't think i would need to#say that but precautions now after things that have happened on here & unfortunately made me less active...diana is very very special to me#so yeah :] and ofc never repost art that isn't yours !! that being said please go & support rc !!! she's amazing & all of her art is so so#gorgeous & she's just the absolute sweetest & a beloved mutual of mine 🤍🤍
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I need some good advice.
About 2 and a half year ago. I had a close friend ghost me on a lot of platforms.
But Recently I found them on ticktok with a discord link.
What sude I do.. ask them way they ghosted me or just let it go and realized that friendship die a long time ago.
you have received.... a trick!
your emoji kitchen combination is: ghost and alarm clock!
happy halloween!
#...like. y'know you sent this ask to a fatfur art blog right? I'm not sure what kind of advice you're expecting me to give#knowing nothing about you - your situation - or the friend in question - I don't think I'm particularly qualified to weigh in#my thought would be to ask your friends if possible? especially if any of them were mutual friends who might have insight on what happened#and like. I guess you can reach out just to ask if they want to reconnect + discuss what happened#and if they block/don't want to talk then just accept that its over and has been for a long time#depending on what happened between y'all it might be better just to let it go and keep living your life. what changed when they left?#do you find yourself less stressed? were they causing problems before the ghosting? is it a relief not to deal with them?#idk. if you need more specific advice then an anonymous ask usually isn't the place to look for it.#trick or treat#...I guess
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I'm gonna be a little quiet on here until after I start playing Dragon Age. I don't want to be spoiled and the urge to click on posts that have DA tags blacklisted is mounting. And just like with Inquisition, I want to go in totally blind.
#[static]#I can't wait to see what my friends and mutuals think. it's always so much fun to watch folks play new games together#I've seen a few reviews. but I ultimately want to decide for myself#I've already seen people bickering about really inane stuff just to have something to be negative about#and while there are incredibly valid criticisms of EA among other things ... the stuff I'm seeing -#- is typical fandom stuff that I don't want to touch with a 10 foot pole#it's kind of funny how much people can rattle on about a game that isn't out just because they want something new to complain about#and people are 100% allowed to have their opinions and feelings on if they thought a game was good or not but the stuff im talking about is#- like being mad at folks getting invested in characters or talking about how bad they know it's going to be even though they havent played#i think i just hate when people talk with such conviction about how other people should enjoy things that it pisses me off real bad#i saw a take on my for you page about how it's wrong of people to be writing fics about things that havent happened yet#because what if they're wrong and then theyve wasted their time and are gonna be ruinously upset. instant block lol#i thankfully dont see any of this on my dash ... usually just in the dragon age tags or on the for you page which I rarely frequent#just let people enjoy something without getting wound up about it not being the right way. it's just drama for drama's sake#but also feel free to hate it and hate it loudly! so long as you understand it's also ok for others to have a different opinion#it's just the super-online 'everyone is wrong but me' takes that leave me reeling
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ayo i'm not dead!
#sorry i haven't been on folks#and in saying that for the 3475982th time i'm also admitting i'm just trash with keeping on top of things currently#and have been for the past year or so#/factually/#older moots know this isn't new#other people warn mutuals for a half week break meanwhile i get overwhelmed one day and poof for half a month randomly#generally not a great way to do things..#and i'm sorry for leaving beloved folks in the dark too. i don't mean to. i'm just at my wit's end occasionally#granted 90% of it is real life stress threatening to manifest on here which can't be helped sometimes so the need to remove myself is fair#but in acknowledging that like a healing anxious adult or whatever i have to also recognize that this hobby used to unwind and calm me#so i'm in the process of wrestling with how to.. make it that again for myself? in a way that doesn't bug me#for example how to just be Around without feeling unproductive with threads and the like. be fine with Writing Slow TM (rp and dms alike)#+ other things i have to bare knuckle through#this isn't so heeheehoohoo craziest thing happened in real life like usual because hey i'm not unique in my experiences and this IS the-#-whole point of a hobby that involves community. that you could just chill with the gay people on your phone no matter what happens#so i think i'll be doing that.. somehow - in moderation and without too much pressure preferably#and sort of figure out how to be Here#and on my other two blogs hsdfjsk#/negative#? i guess?#i really came back w/ the full burnout jumpscare#but it really has been A Whole Year of this
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I keep forgetting I can't seem to get the current version of xkit to work on my new laptop and going to do stuff that it let me do fjldksafjdlsaj
#text post#im p sure the mutual marker thing was a feature w/them bc i'm missing them on everyone that#as far as I know I was still a mutual with#then again I did drop like. fifteen followers over the last week#but that usually happens whenever I start actually posting my personal thoughts on my personal blog lmao#have also gotten a few messages both politely and not so politely asking me to essentially shut the fuck up re: my personal posts#idk what to tell y'all on that bc like. i have a lot of folks I follow n' enjoy who post just as much /even more than me re: personal stuff#I think im just particularly irritating even when I'm trying really hard not to be and try to edit my posts down/keep them under readmores#but im trying to be better#not trying hard enough tho apparently and this tag essay probably won't help but. idk.#i think we're all allowed to be as irritating/post as much personal stuff as we want on our blogs#but i also think im still operating uselessly on how tumblr was a few years ago. ppl don't like that anymore it seems#and that's okay but I gotta work on catching up to that and do better#anyway. it's possible i did lose most of my mutuals and tbh it's not a big deal it's just a lot of ppl at once like. damn.#makes me wonder what the last straw was just out of curiosity#bc if that's really what happened then im down to like. maybe three or four mutuals left and it hasn't been that low since I first started#on here back in like. tail end of hs beginning of college#I also keep missing the quick reblog feature which was my fave but. someday I will figure out why xkit isn't working for me#and i will fix it. at a time when im not sick and feeling cruddy lol
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Who would've thought that being exposed to one of your triggers (that you only recently found out is a trigger) on a daily basis would be bad for your mental health. Save me f/os </3
#negative#mutual who I'm terrified of cutting off is posting about nothing but h/azbin h/otel#< the mutual isn't anyone here btw#but. I'm terrified of bringing this up with her#since she like. really seems tk not be okay with people who hate v/ivziepop or her work :(#I can't even go on twitter anymore since I keep getting hazbinhotel jumpscared#it's literally my entire tl right now even though I have everything related to it muted#I have had tk block so many peo0le today just to try to rpevent it from popping up#I feel so stupid that some show has become a trigger for me#just. finding out about that sa scene has made it so every time I see anything hazbin hotel related#I start getting intense flashbacks to my csa trauma :(#honestly at this point I think viziepop herself is a trigger for me#seeing her art brings back these memories too#you can call me stupid or sensitive or whatever but i literallt have no control ocer this#I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want some stupid cartoon to become a massive trigger for me#but it happened anyway#sorry for rambling like this lol#this has just been on my mind forever now#it's been almost 2 months now and I'm just. exhausted#csa mention#< in the tags
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why doesn't anybody talk about schrodinger's mental illness? seriously i think i'm onto something here
#nightmare.personal#i'm starting to think i'm over it like#i've been so happy lately and i'm having these weird nightmares about my family for no reason but like#i have FRIENDS and i'm taking CARE OF MYSELF and like i thought i looked super pretty today#but i am freaking out a bit about how nice this one friend of mine is being to me#which is so weird bc he'/s like the safest guy to be around ever but suddenly i feel insanely unsafe#hm. maybe i'll be fixed if i go to bed#ugh i have classes tmrw which are FINE classes but like. work. and then also therapy#and therapy's good just like. ugh. Ugh. maybe i'll talk to her about me hating my gf's mom's profession and my moral crisis#bc guys it's kind of awkward i really don't fuck with landlords but my gf's mom is um . Kind of one of those#anyway i think i'm better honestly like the klavier and dahlia stuff is starting to just feel like an inside joke#something earlier happened and i was like klav would like this. andi pictured him a bit in my brain as how he looked#and like. we laughed. but i don't think he was there at all#and the BPD stuff isn't happening like i've not mood swung at all lately i don't think#so maybe it was all in my head andi'm fine now? that could be it honestly like. i'm fine. which!#is weird and abrupt but hey i'm into it. y'know. whatever#it would kind of suck if it turns out i was perfectly fine i was just overthinking it but. hey#honestly whatever. people are fine i'm fine i'm safe and the nightmares are stupid#i need to see this guy anyway tmrw because i invited him along to grab breakfast with me and our mutual friend#we're like a trio so i figure it's fine. hopefully the dining hall isn't still on fire i need to fuck up that pomegranate acai drink so bad#it's SO good you guys. but like. idk. i feel happy like perfectly happy. like i don't think much is wrong#these weird feelings of dread and hovering on the edges of panic attacks sometimes but that's really it#ugh. i hope the lecture hall has good chairs#sorry i cannot focus on this i'm restless rn. i need. like. something#i think me and my GF might break up soon bc of the parents work and the sex thing but like.#someone lobotomize me i'm literally fine what's going ONNNN
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It itches at my brain far too often that one of Hamato Xiono's primary colors the few times we see him in Resistance is gold.
#me and my corkboard tying pyre's gold to hamato's#(both through extensive backstory headcanons collectively made up by the twitter mutuals)#as well as gold being a primary theme of pyre's uniform and a small part of hamato's does not reflect well on hamato I'm afraid#and it's interesting because kaz's green matches hamato's green in ahsoka#and I forget which friend brought it up but this isn't my idea#that hamato might be less jaded and more idealistic at that time#but whatever happens with the imperial remnant and thrawn does something to him#star dorks
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Has anyone ever see this one game a lot of people love to talk about and make content of and as you explore bit by bit about said content, it proceeds to take over your mind like it's your new obsession now even though you haven't got yourself to play that game/watch their full playthrough yet?
#if I have a nickel for every time time this happens I would have 2 nickels which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice#to my one mutual this unfortunately isn't about professor layton but I'll get to it when I can don't worry#one time it's about undertale#the other one is that one game that won several game awards this year#i may have a bit of inkling about what this says about me but i don't know the exact term/i'm in the river in Egypt#gaming#gaming stuff#video games#games#AraSeraRamblings
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.......
#it's just. so fun when you're yearning for something hard enough that it feels like you've got a fever. I... am not cut out for this#(writing things. that involve people. that I want to touch. badly.)#it's literally so ridiculous. can't even write a conversation with someone without making myself feel like I'm ill lol#nothing is happening! not the slightest bit of anything at all. and I'm just sitting here fanning myself like it's the middle of summer and#I'm about to pass out#this also isn't good for my productivity. because it's more fun than doing something useful#also much MUCH better than just thinking about it. I don't know why it took me 32 years to realise that hey. my mind can't drift off in the#middle of every second sentence if I'm just writing it down. seems obvious now. but. I am not smart. so.#i mean it is kind of nice to just. get to do the same parts over and over again for literal months but also. it gets frustrating.#anyway. that is too much information again because I already feel weird enough about this#but you know how it is. I have a thought so the mutuals need to know. etc.#man I am stupid#annnd I think I need to stop for tonight because my head genuinely feels like it's gonna start melting any minute now#ah yes. dialogue. about nothing. scandalous. 🤦🤦🤦🤦#personal
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To clarify bc my last post confused some people! (I got an ask about it but I'm not posting it publicly)
I basically only ship canon things for ToH, + very-far-distant-future-adult King/Collector. Normally I ship them platonically, there's not even, like, Disney-safe shipping with the kid versions I just only ship them as friends haha. I don't even recognize your shipnames
#quo rambles#I'M NOT IN THIS FANDOM#I just post to it#I'm not actually sure what the popular non canon ships ARE?#My knowledge of this fandom comes from moringmark#so there's like. the two background characters and gus/matt to my knowledge#I've seen a lot of ship hate for luz/hunter but no actual shipping art for them lol I think that ones old#I don't look up fanart either I just happen upon it from mutuals or like the top 15 posts of the fandom#this isn't me trying to be antisocial on purpose#I mean it kind of is. I'm scared of fandoms at this point unfortunately.#I really really love the owl house its themes are so important to me#and I KNOW if I see a dumb discourse comment my view of the show will be permanently marred just because that's how my brain works#so I am avoiding dumb discourse like the plague
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