#this is why I go into psychosis and get neurotic so typically and frequently

[kavehayati]

I used to always think about this but I just recalled it now, the thing is people used to all the time respond centuries late to me and I’d always say oh it’s okay !! I understand !! But when I said that I really meant it in my soul, and one day this girl apologised for getting back to me so late and I repeated my script and she’s like Noor 🙁 you really shouldn’t understand, and she some stuff and it kinda left me a little taken aback, I always script conversations people have in the sense like what they say in response but her reply left me floored, she seemed so sad that I was so accepting of such late replies and in truth over time the late replies kept happening and happening and happening, and I kept saying I understood and that it’s okay, but in truth it’s not okay at all, I don’t understand actually, in the sense why is it so much effort to respond, why does everyone consistently reply so late to me even when they have nothing else to do, when they’re not busy or mentally ill either.

It hurts a lot and I’ve noticed that people only reply quick to me when it’s something that is of interest to them, like a hot topic of theirs, and I try really hard but I’m so tired of being this unwanted. I want fast replies, I used to always give fast replies all the time, but now I’m worn so thin and things keep getting worse and worse for me so even texting or talking feels like my soul is evacuating my body sometimes, so I’m sorry when I reply so late but it’s just all this pent up disappointment and the realisation of WHY people don’t reply faster and take so long to get back to me just drains all my energy. It makes me so very sad and that I don’t want to speak in general anymore.

Before I’d always get so anxious if I don’t reply quick because I always felt it to be so rude to reply late, but nobody thinks it’s rude to reply late to me, so why do I bother anymore, especially when I feel like my body is failing me. I still get anxious. But I feel so very disrespected. In a normal person, even sometimes with packed schedules, one who is not physically ill and one who isn’t mentally ill either, replying back fast isn’t the catastrophe everyone seems to act like it is. Sure there’s sometimes valid reasons but honestly people just give me all those reasons now that it’s ALWAYS a reason there’s always some dumb stupid excuse. I’ve heard every stupid excuse in the book now. And now they’re just excuses to me not reasons.

This is why I don’t reply as fast anymore, because I’m so ill and so tired. Drained thin of these mind games and trying to figure out if people actually like me ? Am I an acquaintance ? Why can’t people ask about me seamlessly in a conversation, I’m obviously not okay with anything happening to me now or years ago. It’s so frustrating beyond words it feels like this is a science, a science that I’ve, through trial and error, had to learn MANUALLY with no instructions simply by observing others. Yet most people waltz into life so blind and get handed everything. I shouldn’t have to make duaa before going into class so someone can fucking sit next to me or read any surah when people get friends so effortlessly I REFUSE. I don’t even feel human at all. There’s this Arabic insult thing that just says go slam your head into the wall and shut up. But in truth everything is so overwhelming that I just might do that and I hope it’s with enough force that it cracks and I bleed to death. I. am. so. tired.

Here is the thing. I KNOW certain people pity me. Teachers have pitied me, students have pitied me, friends have pitied me the list goes on and on. And yes I have insanely strange encounters with people yes I have extraordinarily odd circumstances happen to me that seem so consistent that it almost feels impossible for it to not be indicative of a pattern and rule that I deserve such treatment. But WHY is it that the same people who pity me are the ones who transgress and do the things that make others pity me more.

I didn’t like pity, I loathed how people would see me as some sort of lesser than being just for my misfortune, but now this pity is all I have. The only indicator that I’m not invisible to others. That I’m actually real. But if only that pity could be turned into proactive choices and productively helping me to be treated better. It’s like saying you deserve better yet not proving I deserve it. What now. Clearly you proved that I don’t deserve better at all.