#this is what i get for trying to write a historically contextualising thesis (not actually my thing)

[ancientrimer]

i can't believe this keeps happening to me. i figure out a theory i think i might want to apply in my thesis, go look at the text that has the theory, and find that that text already mentions jane eyre

[realtalk-princeton]

princeton honestly hurts so much. i’m frosh. i feel like my entire life is just confined to textbooks now, and not even in an intellectually stimulating way - you have to do math *this* way, you need to think *this* way for your historical analysis, etc. this is an ivy league but there’s so little room for actual thought. i’m low income and i’m behind on everything, i’m struggling p hard in 103 because i’ve never taken calc before, i wanted to go to grad school but ig my gpa isn’t going to...

[cont.] be sufficient, i never got training for anything and feel so terrible next to people who can sing, dance, whatever, all things i always wanted to do but never had the time or resources to do, i tried anyway but i don’t have the framework for anything - it takes a few tries to guess that chord, alright?? it’s not like i have the training, i can give you the notes but not the name, i can’t read the notes, i’m sorry - i spend a lot of time working, like jobs, too...

[cont.] i wouldn’t mind so much if i had anything to balance it out, but i don’t. nothing works. goals are unattainable. i constantly settle. sometime since i started school here i’ve lost the ability to self validate. everything is disappointing.

Response from Clipper:

Okay. Take a breath, and chill with me for a second. I’m going to go through this and break down where I think you��re going wrong with your thinking, while acknowledging the parts that I agree with because honestly, fuck this school. (This is going to be a novella because I should be starting my thesis work or finishing my grad school applications, but hey. You asked.) Here goes:

Not to sound dismissive right off the bat, but you’re a frosh. Take my fifth-year, finally-a-senior perspective to heart for a second. You literally just came from a low income background to the best university in the country, where two fifths of families do not receive any financial aid. If you thought you were going to do just as well as (and fit in seamlessly with) kids here who have grown up with tutors for each subject, advanced college credit, music tutors, dance lessons with professionals, etc. then you were always setting yourself up to fail. We don’t all start at the same spot here, and many of us are underprivileged compared to the typical Princetonian. Trying to catch up 18+ years of privilege in 4 years, let alone 3/4 of one semester, is not possible.

I’m with you here, though. I’m full financial aid and my high school back home almost closed last year from being so shit. I simply don’t have the background others have that set them up to do well here. If you’re anything like me, you actually never had the ability to self-validate. It was always based on comparing yourself to those around you. It worked in high school, where everyone was from a similar background, and what I saw around me definitely validated me. I was the at around the top of my class of ~1000, and it was easy to me to attain that for a number of reasons. I got into Princeton, and was touted the first from my school to get into the Ivy League, and everybody sucked my dick for it. My face is still on the wall in the lobby, even though I got in in March 2014. Yay external validation. I’ve written on here about comparing yourself to others a bunch in terms of disabilities, but this also applies to socioeconomic background so give that link a read if you want.

Coming to Princeton and getting mass-hosed from stuff I thought I was great at for the first time was a shock. I realised I wasn’t the top here, not because I was any less bright, but because I didn’t have the opportunities that the majority of my classmates had growing up and I have disabilities. I saw the inequality and the disparity between my background and theirs, and it sucked hard. I think this is what you’re feeling now. Live in this pain for a little bit [don’t ever gaslight yourself or deny yourself the chance to mourn your losses], but buckle up kiddo because life doesn’t end here. You have to come at Princeton from a perspective of: I’m going to make the most of all the opportunities I missed out on growing up that I can, so that I can bring myself (and my family) stability. In my opinion, hat is a far nobler mindset than: I’m going to be the best at Princeton in X, Y & Z—I leave that one to the rich kids who have the background to back that up. 

You’ve got to develop your own ways of fulfilling yourself by your own standards, which isn’t something I can do for you. All I can tell you to help is that I had to learn that from scratch at Princeton; self-validation is not something I lost somehow and am trying to regain. I think that may be the case for you, too, so don’t beat yourself up about it. When you say your goals are all unattainable, what exactly are your goals? Are they SMART goals? Are they dependent on other people’s opinions (getting into specific exclusive groups/clubs for example) or are they all things you can control? Are they actually achievable? When you say you’re settling/failing, all the time- that shows me that you’re ambitious (which is great!) but also a little unrealistic. 

As for your life being confined to textbooks in an un-stimulating way: I think this is a case of mismanaged expectations. If you’re taking an introductory calculus course, you’re not going to be reinventing the wheel and thinking about math in an exciting, new way. It’s teaching you the basic building blocks of math so that you can later use them in a creative way. And of course it’s tough if you haven’t taken calculus before! Don’t beat yourself up. To boot, Princeton’s intro math classes are notorious for being terribly taught and uninspiring. (You’d know this if you were not a first-semester frosh. We all learn tough truths too late here.) 

As for historical analysis: I’ll disclaim that I am allergic to history (most classes have you read like a million pages a day), but I know that your professor is going to teach you how they [or the department] want you to do analysis. It’s not going to blow your mind in terms of excitingness. But you’ll be able to use these techniques later if you want, to study some fucking dope ass shit that interests you. And when you do it will be academically robust from your training, as well as fulfilling. 

A lot of frosh and soph years are to do with building these boring but invaluable foundations that will actually help you [most of the time] later on in your academic career. Writing sem, distribution requirements, BSE prereqs, pre-med classes, pre-law classes (I think that’s a thing too)— all of that falls into this category. Next time you get an assignment, you’ll know what the expectations are, so you can put some “actual thought” into your work. These classes, as someone from a low income background, are going to do the bulk of the “catching up” work for you so that you have similar experience as your peers by the time you graduate. It’s a grind, but you’ll get through it.

I hate to say it, but Princeton just doesn’t make mistakes in this area. They admit students who can handle Princeton. That isn’t to say that they only admit those special chosen few, but rather that most people who apply here can handle Princeton, and admissions weeds out the few that can’t before hading out spots. 

I’ve written before extensively about grades before on here, and I suppose I’m the most “fuck grades” contributor on RTP. But you are, once again, a frosh; you haven’t even received your first grades yet! The key to getting a job or into grad school is an upward trend and a good story to contextualise your record, whatever it is. I actually have a miserable downward trend but am still applying to grad school- because fuck it, I wanna go study this niche thing and I’m not going to let my grades stop me from applying! You will be able to get over humps in grades. And, you’ll be better at choosing classes that you’ll do well in as you learn your strengths and weaknesses. For example, I have done so much better just knowing that 10AM classes do not work for me, and that I won’t manage over 150 pages of reading weekly for a single class. So I screen them out and don’t even shop them. That took time and tweaking but you’ll be able to find balance in that regard too.As for working jobs alongside school: I get it, and I can’t change that for you. That sucks your time away big time. But it’s a reality for many people here, so know that you’re not alone in that.

Anyway, I hope this word vomit helped you in some way.