#this is what Ciarra’s mind is like lol

[livesincerely]

So here’s something else I’ve noticed/been thinking about with how I write Jack and Davey, specifically pining Jack and Davey.

Jack is very much a doer. Words are fine and all, but it’s actually taking (or not taking) action that counts most of all. For him, masking his feelings for Davey is all about not acting on his impulses—not reaching out for him, not staring too long or standing to close, not leaning in to kiss him no matter how badly he wants to. As long as he doesn’t go through with any of those actions, he figures he’s done a bang up job of keeping things under wraps.

But the thing is, while Jack doesn’t go through with these wants when pining, he absolutely thinks about them. Like, constantly, all of the time. Because it’s fine—it’s safe—to think about all the romantic/sweet/sexy things he’d love to experience with Davey because those are just thoughts—it’s the actions really that count.

Jack is also reasonably quick to put some of those thoughts to words—example, all of the flirting that’s almost as heartfelt as it is playful. Because again, words are just words until you do something with them, so they’re a safe place to test the waters.

I think that’s why Jack’s internal monologue, and even some of his confessions, are so wonderfully romantic. Because he really does think about it all the time, (like, allllll of the time) in the privacy of his own mind. It’s actually really sweet—he’s so worried about not coming on too strong physically that he has no idea how ridiculously obvious he’s being in all other aspects.

Except, Jack’s also not nearly at good as controlling his conscious body language as he thinks he is. Even when he’s trying to hold back and play it cool, you see a lot of affectionate touches and other physicality sneak into his behavior because that’s how love manifests most organically for him.

Therefore, big actions like a kiss/an embrace/etc. are usually either very deliberate “okay, wow, he likes me too, we’re really doing this, okay, okay,” type actions, or are reactionary in some way—an attempt to comfort or to protect, or spurred on by jealousy, joy, sorrow, etc. Jack’s such a physical person and it’s in those kinds of charged situations that he instinctively expresses himself through touch; the words (and everything else) come as an afterthought.

It’s a whole different story for Davey.

Whereas Jack will wax poetic about Davey’s eyes/hands/voice/whatever as freely and languidly as you please, most of the time Davey doesn’t even let himself think about his feelings for Jack. Because Davey’s the planner, Davey’s the one that thinks big and sees the whole picture of a given circumstance, and he knows that when he really, fully starts to think about something, he won’t ever be able to stop.

And Davey honestly does know—he knows—how good they could be together, he knows how wonderful things could be, because he’s always thinking ahead and imagining outcomes and possibilities. All he does sometimes is think, and he’s really good at it. But at the same time, it’s the wanting and imagining and dreaming about what a relationship with Jack would be like that hurts the most, because all it really does is remind him that he doesn’t have that.

And maybe that he never will.

So Davey doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t read anything into any of Jack’s behavior, doesn’t let himself wonder if any of those flirty, affectionate touches are significant or if the soft look in Jack’s eye means anything, because in his mind, odds are high that they don’t mean anything at all. People say and do things all of the time without there being a particular meaning behind it—Jack’s just being friendly, or Jack’s just being a flirt, or Jack’s just in a weird mood, or Jack’s just being Jack—and trying to decide what any of it means, or if it means anything at all, will only drive him crazy.

But, this has the side effect of, since Davey’s so caught up in not thinking about Jack and not letting his feelings for Jack color his perception of Jack’s behavior, he ends over correcting in the other direction. Which then results in him being completely oblivious to the incredibly obvious indications of Jack’s feeling for him because they simply do not register for him as anything out of the ordinary.

It’s just Jack being Jack.

So Davey’s internal monologue tends to be much sparser than Jack’s — you sort of have to plug in the variables of ‘Jack does A,’ ‘Davey’s reaction is B,’ therefore ‘Davey’s feelings are C,’ because Davey certainly isn’t going to think about his own desires long enough to characterize them.

And meanwhile, Jack’s just screaming internally in all of his inner monologue like ‘wow, Davey’s the best, he’s so pretty, I love him so much ahhh’ because he doesn’t navigate his feelings in the same way.

Davey’s true feelings are most obvious when something pushes him to act impulsively. He gets so caught up in the jealousy/worry/anxiety/joy/flusteredness etc. that he will finally act without (over)thinking about it—usually saying something very earnest that he didn’t mean to let slip or doing something physically affectionate that he didn’t mean to act on. But even then, once his brain catches up with him it’s an immediate ‘oh no oh no what have I done, abort abort abort’.

So, yeah. There’s not really a point to this except that putting this into words was helpful, and it’s interesting to see what sorts of patterns I use when writing these characters, even when I didn’t know I was doing it.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of ✨Thoughts with Ciarra✨

[livesincerely]

I AM SCREAMING AT YOU, PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT ONE OR THE OTHER OR BOTH OR EVERY SINGLE IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD, I MUST KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THAT MARVLEOUS, TALENTED BRAIN OF YOURS

HI FRIEND!!!!!!! 💗💗 I’ll talk about tie fic, ‘cause that’s what I’m working on right now.

The next chapter is titled ‘Heart on Your Sleeve,’ and we’re finally going to see these idiots start to come together! I’m going to insert a few gems taken directly from my current outline, as past-Ciarra really has a way with words lol:

Tiny time skip, Davey’s been [redacted] —> starts the day unbalanced and frazzled, wakes up late

Davey shows up to sell wearing one of Jack’s shirts —> this is the last straw that convinces Jack to finally make a move

Jack is acting weird (bc Davey in his clothes) but Davey takes this as a sign that he needs to get his feelings for Jack under control because clearly he’s making Jack uncomfortable

—> Davey attempts to make conversation, asks Jack if he’s been practicing tying his tie, etc.

—> “‘S no rush, right?” Jack says, shrugging. “I got you, don’t I?” “Maybe not always,” Davey says, thinking of the pretty boys and handsome girls watching Jack at The World.

—> Jack’s like, the fucking audacity: you’re gonna stand there in my clothes, driving me out of my mind without even trying, and you think there’s gonna be a time when I don’t want you?

So he asks Davey to [redacted] because he can’t [redacted.] Does Davey realize that [redacted?] No <3

I left a few things secret because I still want there to be surprises, but that’s the plan so far!!

I started tie fic intending for it to be all about pining and flustered Davey, but it seems that I can’t write anything without torturing Jack as well lol. And Jack doesn’t have nearly as much patience or self control as Davey does, so he’s really about to snap (not that Davey’s noticed)

Thank you for screaming at me!

[livesincerely]

give Thoughts on run away with me fic Please and thank You

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how where Jack and Davey stay/sleep on this trip. I’m absolutely going to have them sleep in Jack’s car a fair portion of the trip because that’s just a rite of passage for a road trip on a budget, but given that they’re gonna be on the road for weeks and weeks, that just didn’t seem realistic. Then I thought about having them stay in motels—like, maybe they have money saved up or maybe Medda gives them a credit card to use—but I didn’t really like that idea either because road trip on a budget.

But I kept coming back to this idea of Medda helping them out somehow, because of course she’s gonna help them however she can. And then I thought, what if Medda calls up all her theatre friends/contacts and is like, ‘hey, remember that favor you owe me? I’m cashing it in,’ and basically pulls a bunch of favors and gets Jack and Davey a place to stay whenever they’re in a city with a decent touring house or theatre industry.

I have this image of Javid rolling up to the National Theatre and meeting the production manager, who gives them a parking pass for the week and keys to one of the unoccupied dressing rooms to use while they’re in town. And it’s not like it’s luxurious accommodations by any stretch of the word—they probably have a couch or maybe a futon to sleep on, and it’s probably desperately cold because theaters always are—but there’s a shower and a toilet and a mini fridge and a microwave, and they’ve got full permission to come and go as they wish as long as they’re back before things lock up for the night, and can even use the theatre’s WiFi to work on homework or watch Netflix or whatever, so it’s pretty damn great.

(Sidebar, there’s no way this would actually fly in real life, but please let me have this fantasy lol)

And that kinda influences Javid’s path across the country. Because, again, they don’t mind spending a night or two sleeping in Jack’s car, but it’s actually kind of wonderful to get to a big city like Charlotte, Atlanta, St. Louis, Dallas, etc., and know that they’ll have somewhere safe to stay because everyone loves Medda and Medda loves her boys.

I’m imagining Jack and Davey just hanging out in the balcony seats of a huge theater when the weather’s too bad to go out, occasionally getting comp tickets to see shows in certain cities that have a show currently running, or getting to watch the rehearsal process for those that are still in pre-production. And again, they’re high school students and do need to graduate, so I love the idea of Javid getting to explore all these cities and see the sights, but always having somewhere safe to post up that has WiFi and AC and a roof and electrical outlets and running water when they need to settle down and work.

I’m still hammering out the details, but I really think I’m on to something with this. Because like I said, I didn’t really want them to be staying in motels, but also they can’t only sleep in Jack’s car. And I really enjoy the thought of Medda Knowing Everyone, and that being one of the through lines of the story.

So, yeah! That concludes this episode of Thoughts from Ciarra! 😊🌟